OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 12-28-05

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live From Volcano, Hawaii

Non-Title Match, stips TBA[/u]
Niles Anderson vs. Moosehead Jack

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
LD WIlliams vs. Mr. Jealous

OOWF World Tag Team Title Bunkhouse Brawl Match[/u]
wCw vs. The Devil's Brigade

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Canadian Dragon vs. Eric O'Mac

Steel Cage Match[/u]
The Team From Down Under vs. The Black Dawgs

Fatal Four Way![/u]
Microplay vs. Chris Cole vs. Donovan Viper vs. Phil

Hardbody Harris vs. Concrete TG
Firechild vs. SoulDrgon vs. Siriram
Thim Reynolds vs. Corax
Capellan & Seraph vs. Justin Sane & Austraroo
Shashwat Mishra vs. Mercury
Uncle Entity vs. Chris Alt
Drink & Destroy vs. The Chickenshit Heels

Card subject to eggnog impairment

**************************************

To everyone involved with the OOWF:

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Feliz Navidad, Happy Chaunakah, Ramadan, Winter Solstice etc. etc. to all of you. As always, you guys are what makes the OOWF so much fun.

To all my writers - extra Merry Christmas to you guys. Without the extra help, this couldn't have laste this long. My present to you - a week off! Since this MM falls just a few days after Christmas, take time, enjoy the holiday with your family. I will write short recaps of the matches, then we will hit it again on the 28th, then it is on to the XmasSacre PPV.

[mooseheadjack]

3 Piece Set are in their locker room after Mayhem.

Cole: Where were you tonight Ax?

Ax: I’m injured, my knee is busted. You know that!

FC: Did that stop Cowboy Bob Orton from helping his friends out?

Ax: Well no, but..

Cole: But!! But!! No buts Ax. You cost Firechild and me our matches tonight. Worse then losing a match, you cost me a match to that piece of crap Microplay. Rest up your knee Ax, me and Firechild will handle what should have been done earlier.

Ax: Sorry guys, I didn’t think…

FC: Not now Ax. Because of you Soul Dragon spit in my face. HE SPIT IN MY FACE!!!

***
Cole & Firechild walk into Microplay’s locker room. He is half dressed after his match. He has on dress pants, but no shirt or shoes. Without saying a word Cole and Firechild pummel Microplay. Cole whips Micro into a full length mirror which cracks it. Firechild picks up a chair. Cole then slams Micro’s head into the broken mirror. Micro is bleeding and pieces of glass are stuck in his forehead. Firechild levels Micro in the head with the chair. Micro is not moving, but Cole lifts him up and delivers a Headline onto the chair. Without saying a word both men walk out.

***
Cole & Firechild walk into Soul Dragon’s locker room.

FC: You disrespected the wrong man.

Cole & Firechild pummel Soul Dragon in a very similar attack as they did to Micro. Cole sets up two chairs facing each other and Firechild delivers a Wing s of the Phoenix through the chairs. Firechild spits right in Soul Dragon’s face.

FC: How do you like that, bitch?

On the way out Firechild gives Dragon one more stiff kick to the head.

[mooseheadjack]

[The Chickenshit Heels are standing in the hall shortly after the lineup sheet is posted.]

JA: AWESOME! We got the week off!

AA: No, no, Johnny. WE don't have the week off.

JA: Well, then who does have the week off?

AA: Um... [turns to Invisible Ninja Cameraman] is there any way I can do this without breaking kayfabe?

INC: Nope.

AA: I think he was talking about the arena staff.

JA: Oh. So we don't have the week off?

AA: Nope, we gotta deal with those two fatasses again.

JA: Again? But...

[Just then, The Rick walks by.]

AA: Evening, boss.

JA: Hey boss, can we get a title shot?

The Rick: No.

JA: But we just beat Stank and Capslock!

The Rick: That may have worked last time, but it's gonna take more than a cheap DQ win for you two clowns to get another title shot.

JA: But...

The Rick: Adrenaline, shut up before I make like the Pacers and sit your ass just like Ron Artest.

AA: Actually....

The Rick: No, better yet, spend the week thinking about how pissed Drink & Destroy is gonna be after losing to you last week. Merry Christmas. [slams office door]

AA: Gee, Johnny, that worked GREAT!

JA: Not my fault he hates my guts.

AA: Actually it probably is, but that's beside the point. Look, I guess we should keep buddying up with Capslock and Stank since they like drinking with us so much. That way they won't be sneak attacking us like the cowards that they are.

JA: Any chance of us pulling the ol' "leave them with the tab" trick?

AA: Oh definitely. Come on. Let's go see if Stank's got his Christmas present yet.

[fade to black]

[mooseheadjack]

Just a small thing, but it's Sriram, lol.

*In a boiler room somewhere*

Firechild, Souldragon, I watched from the rafters as you two got it on last week. Right from the moment when Firechild started laughing, to the moment Souldragon resorted to cheap gasbaggery. If you're going to spit at someone, make sure you spit at them when they're conscious enough of the embarassment.

*Spits at camera*

Anyway, for forty-five seconds in the middle, until the moment the both of you hung onto the ropes, and the crowd erupted in applause, just like they cheered What's-his-name on, I was impressed. Impressed at how stupid one should be to not concentrate on the job in hand, and instead pleasure himself and the crowd. Impressed at how stupid it is for TWO human beings to be like that.

That is why you find my name inserted into your rematch. I'm not in it to teach you a lesson, I'll just show you how it feels to be in the same ring, not with greatness, not yet, but with effectiveness. And when you realize the massive scale of your errors, and when your collective heads are about to erupt in a place called Volcano, you won't have the chance, nor the time, to let it happen.

Because in that very ring, there shall lie two carcasses, of Citizens, resting Erased.

[mooseheadjack]

Stank - I can't believe it!

FFC - What? That we got DQ'd?

Stank - No. I can't believe Adrenaline would use a club made in TAIWAN?

FFC - You mean THIS club right here?

Stank - Yeah. Give me THAT!

FFC - No no no. What are you planning to do with it?

Stank - I'm gonna wrap it around Adjuster's dome, that's what.

FFC - Wait! You can't! I LOVE ALAN! He's such a cool guy!

Stank - What is WITH you?

FFC - What?

Stank - Why all the manlove for the Heels?

FFC - No not both of them... just Alan.

Stank - ?

FFC - Look if you want to whack Adrenaline upside his head... fine. AA won't like it but, I can live with that.

Stank - Hey look. You need to get it together man. I liked hangin out with them too but, when it comes right down to it... they are heels. And we're stubbornly faces. We can't continue... are you CRYING?

FFC - I LOVE THEM, MAN!

Stank - I thought you only liked Adjuster?

FFC - I LOVE THEM BOTH, MAN! I was just kidding about Johnny.

Stank - Well THIS isn't good.

FFC - *sniff*

Stank - Whatever it is you've been drinking... I want NO part of it.

FFC - *sniff* kay.

<Stank turns and notices on the monitor The Chickenshit Heels promo. He turns up the volume.>

Stank - You see this Lock? You see how disingenuous they are? Fortunately we're not dumb enough to talk about this in front of an invisible ninja cameraman.

INCM - Um... I hate to break it to you...

Stank - DOH!

FFC - Hey! They want to go drinking! C'mon!

[mooseheadjack]

Chris Cole and Firechild walk into The Devil’s Brigade locker room. Viper, Camby, O’Neal, & Corax look up but don’t move.

Camby: I saw what you guys did to Micro & Dragon. Don’t tell me you two really think you are going to do that to us.

TO: Ay thenk ya boyos tok un to meny shuts to de ‘ead.

Cole: Just here to talk business with Viper.

Viper: What do you want?

Cole: This week we are in a fatal fourway with Microplay & Phil. I’ll be honest Viper of the three of you guys you are the only one I respect. Micro is a crying little bitch whenever things don’t go his way and Phil is a disgrace to wrestling in general.

Viper: And they say I’m a homo?

Cole: Shut up and listen. I’m not saying we need to be pals, or buddies, or..

Viper: HEY MAN I’M NOT A HOMO!!

Cole: I was just going to say friends.

Viper: Oh yea, I knew that.

Cole: I’m just saying that if we disposed of those two idiots first then we could see who the real man is around here. Not like that time in the Imperial Onslaught when you have me a cheap shot from behind. Don’t think I forgot that.

Viper: I’ll think about it, but I’m not making any promises.

Cole & Firechild walk out.

[mooseheadjack]

*TTFDU is watching a monitor, showing D&D watching the Chickenshit Heels*

OBJ: Pretty stupid to talk about your plans in front of a ninja cameraman.

GB: Jack *points at camera*

OBJ: Oh, right. Of course we could take him out with the Call of the Wild.

*image shakes a little*

GB: We could do that. We could do that, no problem. But...that would be wrong. Not that I'm telling you anything you don't already know.

OBJ: Right.

[mooseheadjack]

Fade in.

A scrolled paper comes into view and unrolls for the camera. The paper is read by the sad voice of F.F. Capslock.

"An Open Letter To Alan "Attitude Adjuster" Capps

Dear Mr. Capps, I have tried my damnedest to be friends with you despite our differences, what with you being a dastardly heel and me being a gruff-yet-loveable face. I know that obviously we had a match and would continue to have matches against one another because of the limited amount of tag teams in the company. I just thought that our friendship could continue. Obviously there would be cheating and malfeasance, but I just figured that it would remain within the confines of the wrestling ring. But to call me and my good friend Stank "fatasses" and "cowards" in a live promo was just too much. You crossed the line. One would think having a 6'11" 342 lb. ally would be something you would want to have. You will see a different side of me in that ring Mr. Capps. I'm don't hate you and I think we can still be friends. But you have hurt my feelings considerably. So I have to punish you in the ring next Wednesday to teach you a lesson: don't cross an angry giant. And so, Attitude Adjuster, BETTER WATCH YOUR ASS BUDDY!

Thank you, F.F. Capslock

Fade out

[mooseheadjack]

*Chris Alt has just arrived at the arena, still dressed in his street clothes and with his gym bag slung over one shoulder. He passes Chris Cole and Firechild on his way in*

CC: Hey, look there, Firechild. It's the watered-down, post main event version of Chris Alt.

*CA stops dead in his tracks, making a very angry face without yet turning around*

FC: Yeah, did you see him last week? He couldn't get it done against Mr. Jobber. What a joke.

CC: Alt, did you like giving Mr. Jealous his first OOWF win?

*CA turns around*

CA: Normally I wouldn't warn you. I'd just go ahead and kick both of your asses. But I'm in a bit of a rush, so I'm just going to have to go ahead and ask you guys not to start.

FC: In a rush to what? Lose again?

CA: See, that's starting.

*CC and FC get up in CA's face*

CC: You sure you wanna try to take us both on at once?

*Hardbody Harris suddenly appears behind CC and FC*

HH: Hey ladies, what's the problem here? Are you mad because my best friend forever won't accept your lusty advances? Don't take it personally, it's just that he likes women who were actually born female.

CC: Keep runnin your mouth, Harris. One of these days, you and I are gonna have a day of reckoning.

CA: I thought you were ready to fight, Cole. Lose your spine when the odds are even?

FC: We have shit to do. We'll catch you two losers later.

*CC and FC leave*

HH: You OK?

CA: Dandy.

HH: What's with you lately? You haven't been yourself. You haven't been over to ride bikes, we haven't thrown water balloons at kids lately, we haven't even had any lemonade! And worst of all, you dropping a match to Mr. Jealous... that's not like you at all.

CA: Just had a lot on my mind, I guess.

HH: Are you sure you're OK?

CA: Yeah. I gotta go. I have a match to get ready for.

HH: Bye!

*CA says nothing as he walks off, leaving HH with a confused and concerned expression as we fade to black*

[mooseheadjack]

The OOWF camera crew walks in to the Captain Cook General Hospital. The cameraman says, “We are here to get an update on Mercury who suffered mild concussions after his match yesterday with Shashwat Mishra.” The camera crew goes into Mercury’s room. They find the nurse on the bed with Mercury leaning over her.

“Umm… Mr. Mercury”, says the nurse. “What the hell?” says the camerman.

Mercury turns around, bandages on his head and curses freely. He sees the camera crew and says, “ Nurse Roderick here….uh….uh… had a splinter in her blouse…uh… I mean eye. I was just taking it out.” The nurse gets up and smiles. It is Brande Roderick. Anything can happen here in OOWF folks, observes the camerman.

Mercury moves towards the camera and speaks into it. “ Look here Shashwat boy. You and I have unfinished business. You think you can get yourself disqualified and get out of Mercury’s sight? Naaahh…news flash punk. I am not done with you. As the whole of Hawaii watches and indeed the rest of the world, I promise you one thing…next week, you will wish you had not been born! For all that you have done to me, I will hurt you so bad, you will never want to come back to the OOWF!”

Mercury pushes the camera out of his face. “Get out of here. Nurse, I am hurting again in the thigh region. Could you see what is wrong, please?”.

The cameraman starts to move out hesitatingly, focussing his camera repeatedly at the nurse as she moves towards Mercury with a smile.

[mooseheadjack]

Drink and Destroy walk into a bar already occupied by The Chickenshit Heels.

FF- Mr. Adrenaline, Mr. Capps. I know we agreed to have drinks together and here we are.

AA- Mr. Capps? What's up with my new buddy FF Capslock?

S- Uh...I think you know.

AA- The cheating?

S- No.

AA- The devious win last Wednesday?

S- No!

AA- Then what!?

FF- YOU CALLED ME FAT! (sobbing)

AA- Jesus Christ.

JA- Nothing worse than a jilted lover.

AA- Thanks J. You're helping.

JA- That's what I'm here for.

AA- Listen weirdo, let me buy you a drink.

FF- (sniff, sniff) okay.

-one hour later-

FF- Alan, I love you man! Let's pudall this bushnit BEHIND US...man!

AA- Exactly.

JA- Yeah. Let's be buddies.

FF- Not you!

JA- What'd I do?

FF- I don't remember. Okay buds it is!

S- You know that they're just gonna...

FF- No! I believe 'em this time! These guys...these are the guys man. THE guys.

AA- You know it.

S- But they're sneaky underhanded heels.

FF- So were we at one time...so were we.

S- That was remarkably poingnant for a borderline alcoholic.

FF- You're an alocholic AND a sex addict Lucas.

S- That was just mean.

FF- I'm sorry. Hug?

S- Yeah, dude.

They embrace

AA- This is so gay.

JA- Its like...Broke Back Wrestling over here.

DV- I AM NOT A...

AA- We weren't even talking to you this time.

DV- Oh...sorry.

FF- Broke Back Wrestling...I get it...you're funny, that's really funny.

All- I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!

And they all laughed and carried on enjoying beverages long into the night as friends. Awwww.

[mooseheadjack]

The camera follows Mercury as he is released from the Captain Cook General Hospital. He starts to hail a taxi but stops short and stares.

The hospital compound gates have opened and the camera captures Shashwat Mishra riding in on his motorbike. Shashwat rides the bike in a circle around Mercury before stopping. Mercury looks ready to start a fight, if needed.

“ I see pretty boy has got his ticket out of the hospital. Too bad you will probably check right back in soon”, says Shashwat. He pauses a second before continuing, “ Hold on. Hold on boy. This time when you check back in, you will have good company. That pretty nurse you tended to…she got hit by a motorbike today, slipped and broke her elbow. Unfortunate…but what the hell!”

Mercury says “Fuck!” and jumps on Shashwat. The two fall to the ground. Mercury gets on top and hits Shashwat with several right hands. Hospital security comes to the spot and separates the two. Mercury is foaming at the mouth. “ You fucking coward! You want to hurt a girl! You coward!” Shashwat gets up and checks himself for bruises. He grins and says “Too bad Mr. Mercury. Too bad for you. You know I have your number. I will hit you when I like, as I like. Tonight, I will be giving some flowers and perfume to that pretty nurse. Tonight…after you have left the hospital Mercury.”

Mercury tries to jump Shashwat again but is held back. Security asks Shashwat to clear out. He grins, starts his bike and rides away.

[mooseheadjack]

Austraroo is shown replaying his match from Mayhem against EOM and CD, he stops it after EOM hits the frog Splash and begins to speak

Eric, you are nothing more than a pre-madonna that has to use a lawyer to resolve everything but you did win at Mayhem so i'll give you that.

Next week, i am going from Main Event to a tag match who cares i shall defeat them then come for you Eric. Be ready.

[mooseheadjack]

<D&D & The Chickenshit Heels are DRINKING~!>

Stank - FA LA LA LA LAAAA LA LAAAA LAAAA LAAAA

AA - TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOOOOLLLLY! EVERYBODY!

JA,FFC & STANK - FA LA LA LA LAAAA LA LAAA LAAA LAAAAAAA!

AA - DOWN WE NOW OUR GAY...

DV - I AM NOT A HOMO~!

<Everyone stops singing and stares at Viper>

AA -

JA -

FFC -

Stank - ... ... FA LA LA... FA LA LA... LA... LA... LAAAAAAA!

Everyone - TROLL THE ANCIENT YUEL TIDE CAROL!

DV - FA LA LA LA LAAAA LA LA LA....

Everyone - LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Stank - Well I hate to break up the festivities but I think it's time I should be going.

FFC - Are you meeting up with Number 5?

Stank - Hell no! We broke up.

<Attitude Adjuster spits his beer!>

FFC - Again?

AA - You're not gonna spend Christmas with her?

Stank - Hell no. She knows what she did.

AA - Tell me at least you exchanged gifts!

Stank - I don't want no gift from HER!

AA - DAMMIT YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!

FFC - Awww. You see. Now THERE'S a true FRIEND. He's taken interest in your abysmal love life.

Stank - Just why the hell do you care so much?

AA - I don't... It's just... It's Christmas.

Stank - So?

AA - SO? SO? IT'S CHRISTMAS! You can't break up with your girlfriend just before CHRISTMAS!??

Stank - Well I did.

AA - WHY?

Stank - She refused to buy me a gift.

AA -

Stank - That hurt my feelings!

AA - ARE YOU INSANE?

JA - Hey look. Everyone just calm down. Stank How do you know she didn't want to surprise you? I mean, have you gone by the OOWF Christmas tree yet? I know there are still some gifts under the tree.

AA - Yeah. You NEVER know just WHO may have left you one. You guys may have even gotten one... from us.

FFC - ALAN! You bought us PRESENTS? You're the BEST, man! Shoot WE didn't even GET you guys anything!

JA - It's ok. Why don't you guys go on over to the tree. We'll meet you there.

FFC - C'MON STANK!

Stank - *sigh* Alright! Sheesh.

<D&D leave>

AA - Thanks Johnny. For a sec there I thought the whole thing was over.

JA - You know... I'm kinda regretting it now.

AA - You'll get over it. Don't tell me you actually LIKE hanging out with those two?

JA - Well...

AA - Well?

JA - Well when the truth comes out... what then? I mean we're CHICKENSHIT heels. They're gonna come after us.

AA - It'll enhance our gimmick. We can then show everyone why we deliver THE NUMBER ONE PROMOS IN THE OOWF!!

JA - Right now I'm thinking keeping my bones from breaking. Cutting great promos doesn't seem to be much to aspire to lately.

AA - Whatsa matta with you? Have you had too much to drink

JA - Of course. That doesn't change the fact that Stank is gonna follow through on his threat to wrap my golf club around my head.

AA - Hey. SNAP OUT OF IT! They won't know we had anything to do with it.

JA - But SFJ#5 ISN'T PREGNANT!

AA - SHHHHHH! Keep your voice down!

JA - Well she isn't... You didn't think this thing through all the way... did you.

AA - Hmmm. Well I guess we'll have to get her pregnant.

JA - WHAT!

[mooseheadjack]

Our hero is seen walking up a Hawaian boardwalk as the camera pans out, we see a lovely young hula dancer standing nearbye. The hula dancer offers to place a lei around the sanest man alives neck. However, as Justin lowers his head he trips and the two collide. As they both tumble to the ground the lei ends up wrapping around Justin's neck, and he quickly taps to the hula girl. She gets up and shakes her head in confusion before departing. Our hero turns to the invisible ninja cameraman.

JS: Ahhhh Hula women my arch nemisi. They are like kryptonite to aquaman. And just like that mighty of hero's at Midweek Mayhem I will make my prescense known. Finally I shall make my debut in the wrestling arena here in the OOWF. My quest to discover the mystery of who wrote the book of love? It shall be solved.

Justin pauses as his eyes start to twitch wildly.

JS: When I look to see which gladiator I must face, I am surprised to discover that it is not one opponent but two. The Captain and a Seraphaim. Now even the sanest man alive must admit that fighting one of the higher orders of angels is no easy task. However the ones in charge have seen fit to give my a partner in this endeavor.

Spittle starts to fly from Justin's mouth as his speech rapidly increases.

JS: And who is it that shall team with I? Why none other than the island of Australia, and last I checked Australia was at least twice the size of Hawaii. So I must say that we hold the advantage. Now if you'll excuse me in my down time i figured I would enjoy Hawaii's shark infested waters, hmm where did I put my meat suit for swimming?

As Justin turns to look for his luggage, he runs smack into a palm tree. A coconut falls from the palm tree busting him wide open. Justin falls to the ground and a palm leaf snaps and covers over him. A nearbye ref sees this and makes the three count. Justin's voice can be heard as the camera fades to black.

JS: Ahhh Palm Trees my arch nemisi.

[mooseheadjack]

Firechild in a state of uncharacteristic un-coolness is busy doin some late night shopping before the stores close, this merry xmas -eve.

In his bags we can see a magnum of Jake Danielson for Cole and a knee brace for Ax man, as well as a set of anger management manuals for Scotty Jealous. And a one year season ticket to the four seasons interstate 29 motel for Cindy...and some cuffs.

As he ponders on whether he should add to Niles' porn collection he is rudey interrupted by a sexy female journalist...

SFJ69- Firechild, you seemed to have regained some of your, erm...fire since the end of your feud with Serpah, but after failing to beat Eric O Mac, you have also fallen to Souldragon, who frankly kicked your ass last week....

FC (pauses, puts his shopping down, composes himself + addresses the stupid tart) - What is it that you are trying to say? That I'm a has-been? That my glory days are past me? That the likes of Souldragon and Eric O Mac are greater competitors than myself, the Angel of the Abyss, the Morningstar, the Innovator of the Onslaught Divison?

S Claus (in the background) - sounds about right!

Firechild makes a face like something that cannot have just happened...did, disregards it then continues.

FC- If you want to talk about has beens, talk about Chris Alt, I mean, he is hanginig onto Hardbody's coattails like a bitch that knows his time has past, and Hardbody aint exactly the strutter that he was in his, 'prime.' Or hell, what about Microplay, who thinks he's the better of my main man Chris Cole, I mean sure he was the first ever OOWF Champion, but have we ever heard the end of that, hell no, and what have you done recently Micro? Oh and is it true tyhat your ex-grilfriend gave you the name MICROplay?

He chuckles as the fine little filly continues.

SFJ69- You and Cole mounted some assaults on Microplay and Souldragon earlier to readdress your losses last week, but since then a third element has been added into your match in the shape of newcomer Sririam, what do you think about what he has to say?

Firechild chuckles again, strokes his beard and looks deeply into the camera.

FC- He's a new no name punk, the same I was when I decided to try and dance with LD Williams when I first showed up, and I got my ass served to me on a plate. By the way, I never thanked for the lesson LD, but look how far I've come and any time you want to reappraise that Master/Pupil thing, just dial me up 1-800 666.

SFJ69- and Sririam?

FC- (looking annoyed) - hes just another victim (TM) and him & souldragon need to realise that they are just obstacles in my way back to the top of the Onslaught Divison, and that at Mayhem Souldragon will once again fall to the Wings of the Phoenix and if Sririam wants to get in the way, his words will be met with a Violent Silence. Either way, they will know what it is to bu......

The Santa Claus from the grotto stumbles over, reeking of booze and pushes Firechild...

S Claus- Your just a no good, jock punk Firecu8t! You're all hot air, I should kick your ass now!

He throws a haymaker at Firechild, who looks amused, then hip tosses him into a huge pile of presents.
The store manager runs over to complain and Firechild smashes the bottle of JD into his face as the Santa Clause gets to his feet. Firechild loops up his keychain into a knuckleduster and brutally beats the Santa down then sets him up and hits the Wings of the Phoenix through his Sleigh. The Santa is busted open and out cold as Flame retreives his half empty bottle of cheap bourbon and douses the Sleigh, tree and grotto with the near poisonous liquid. Firechild picks up another case of Jake Danielson and flicks a lit match into the pile, and it goes up all too readily.

He walks back to the TV crew, pulls the SFJ back by the hair and snogs the face off her then tosses her aside...

FC- Here endeth the lesson. Happy holidays folks!

He struts off, presents under one arm, whistling to the tune of O Come All Ye Faithfull as the conflagration grows and we hear sirens in the distance......

[mooseheadjack]

*Niles is kneeling in a church, praying. He turns to face the camera.*

Niles - Moose, I accept your challenge. I am the OOWF Champion and the MOST FANTASTIC FACE THE OOWF HAS EVER SEEN! EVER!!!

Point being: Jesus wants me to fight you. In the spirit of friendly competition and nothing else. We can't lose the spirit of the even now, can we? or else we risk losing the Holy Spirit. And that would not be good.

What Jesus doesn't want: for this to be a Taipei Death match. That kind of violance is in direct violation of the needs of the Catholic Church. And I can't have that. If you want me, you'll have to take me on in a clean, 1 fall to win, run of the mill match.

Oh, and as a postscript, Jesus DEFINITELY doesn't want this to be a title match. I'm glad you have the same idea because I wouldn't want to be put in a position where I have to choose between being one with the Lord or being a fighting champ. As a face, I have to be a fighting champ or else I lose all credibility as a face. But since you so selflessly suggested that this doesn't have to be a title match, you have relieved me of that decision. So I can be one with the lord and defend my championship belt another day. For that Moose, I thank you. Peace be with you and I will see you in the ring.

*Niles continues praying when all of a sudden, we see Donnie Viper walk by, dressed as a Catholic Priest and with a choir boy. Niles just stares in disbelief.*

Niles - What the...?

*DV turns quickly and notices Niles.*

DV - I'M NOT A HOMO!!!

*With that, DV throws the choir boy across the isle and runs out of the church. Niles just pretends he didn't see anything and performs the symbol of the cross before resuming praying as usual. Fade to Black.*

[mooseheadjack]

(CTG is actually taking an afternoon to go surfing! He seems very relaxed when a bikini-clad SFJ walks up to him)

BCSFJ: Concrete, you seem to be in a much better mood this week. What's changed?

CTG: (shaking water out of his hair) hey ^_^ why shouldn't I be happy? I'm in a beautiful part of the world for once, I have a match against the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF, I have a title shot against the #1 JESUS CRISPIE IN THE OOWF, and I beat Tommy Wilder here by about two hours. The waves are awesome today!

BCSFJ: So are you done being serious and angsty and all that?

CTG: Hey, I'm on vacation - no guarantees, since I still got a lot of work to do. Once I'm done out here, it's back to the gym and a chance to prove myself to the OOWF. I'm not sweating Moose or Niles right now. Harris is the next target and I'm going to prove to myself and to him who the REAL #1 FACE IN THE OOWF could be!

(Tommy Wilder dashes by with a surfboard)

TW: SURF'S UP~!!!

CTG: (sighs) guess I'm going back to work early.

[mooseheadjack]

The camera follows Shashwat arrives at the Captain Cook General Hospital, flowers and chocolates in hand. He says, “ Nurse Roderick please.” “She is in room 8 on the ground floor.” “Thanks”. Shashwat makes his way to room 8 and opens the door. The blonde bombshell lies on the bed, her right hand in a cast.

She strains to see. “Who is it?” she asks. “A well wisher, doll.” says Shashwat. “Too bad your friend Mercury is not here right now, but then he really never cared about you. You were good for a night, I guess. But I, I am a different person altogether. Here, I have got some flowers for you.”

“Why don’t you leave her alone asshole?” says a voice. Shashwat snarls and turns around to see Mercury standing in the room. “You. Great. What say, I kick your ass first in that lawn and then smooch the bitch, Mercury?” says Shashwat pointing to a lawn visible from the French window in the room.

“Sure, let me help you get there”, says Mercury and spears Shashwat through the French window. The glass shatters. As Brande Roderick screams, Mercury and Shashwat fly through the shattered glass and land on the lawn outside. They are motionless for a few seconds and then both come up bleeding.

It has begun to rain.

Mercury swings a punch and knocks Shashwat to the ground. He starts kicking Shashwat. There is a spade lying on the lawn that Shashwat gets his hands on and hits Mercury on the knees with. Mercury staggers to one knee. Shashwat uses the shovel and hits Mercury in the stomach. Mercury goes down. As Shashwat jumps on him and starts throwing punches, the hospital staff and security arrive and pull him back.

Both Mercury and Shashwat are arrested and the camera captures them being put in police cars and being driven away.

[mooseheadjack]

[Drink & Destroy and The Chickenshit Heels are seen walking thru the hallway of the arena having a good time.]

S: Man, it sure is fun drinkin' with ya'll!

JA: Last night at the bar was nice. Even if ya'll cheated at pool.

FFC: We didn't cheat!

AA: Yeah you did.

FFC: ...okay, so we did. That don't mean you don't love me any less, does it, Alan?

AA: Um...

[Capslock puts his arm around AA's neck and hugs him.]

JA: Where's my hug?

FFC: YOU DON'T GET A HUG YOU LITTLE ANNOYING SHIT!

JA: But...

DV: I'll give you a hug.

JA: Guys, he's not a homo. Oh, and thanks but no thanks, Donnie.

S: Get yo gay ass outta this skit, man!

DV: Merry Christmas to you too, man. [Viper leaves.]

AA: Speaking of Christmas, we had so much fun drinking the last few nights, we forgot to get our gifts from under the tree.

[Camera turns to show the OOWF Christmas tree outside of The Rick's office with only a couple of gifts remaining underneath.]

JA: Oooh, I wonder if I got anything.

FFC: This one's for you, Alan. From me with love.

DV: I AM NOT A...

S: What'd I tell you, boy??

[Viper leaves again. AA opens up the present, and it is a framed picture of Capslock sitting on AA on the airplane ride.]

AA: That's not funny, man.

FFC: Of course it is, Al! God, you're funny! [hugs AA again]

JA: [pulling out the small box from behind the tree] Stank, this one has your name on it.

S: Huh? It does?

FFC: Who's it from?

AA: From Sexy Female Journalist #5.

FFC: How do you know who it's from? You didn't even see it.

AA: Just a guess. Am I right, Johnny?

JA: Of course you are. I mean, yeah, good guess. He knows true love when he sees it.

AA: [looking at FFC] Stay the fuck away from me.

[Stank opens up the gift and sees the positive pregnancy test.]

S: What the fuck is this?

AA: What is it?

FFC: You got her PREGNANT??

JA: WHAT?

AA: HUH?

S: She may be pregnant. But it ain't by me. I had a vasectomy!

[AA and JA look at each other in uncertainty.]

AA: You want us to find the sumbitch that knocked your girl up?

JA: We'll kick his his ass!

AA: Yeah, I bet it was that Jealous dude. He's always weird about shit like that.

JA: Or it might be Hardbody Harris. That no good piece of crap.

S: Here's an idea guys... how about you two stay the fuck outta my business! I'll ask her myself.

FFC: Yeah! [Stank walks down the hall] Wanna drink tonight?

JA: Um... we'll get back with you.

FFC: DID I ASK YOU?

AA: We'll get back with you, man.

FFC: Okay.

[FFC leaves nd Johnny turns to AA.]

JA: A vasectomy??

AA: How was I supposed to know? Hey, at least he's pissed off at somebody else and not us.

JA: Well, what if he finds out we pulled this little stunt?

AA: Guess it's a good thing we didn't really get her pregnant.

RF: WHO'S GETTIN PREGNANT???

[AA and JA look at each other and grin when they hear the voice of the 16 time World Champ.]

AA: Naitch, buddy... pal. You know Sexy Female Journalist #5? She wants to get pregnant, but that worthless Stank is shooting blanks. Think you can do the job?

RF: I'LL DO THE JOB LIKE WHITE LIGHTNING TIM HORNER AND THE ITALIAN STALLION AGAINST THE ROAD WARRIORS ON WORLDWIDE! AND I'LL DO THE JOB ALL... NIGHT... LONG! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

[Flair leaves.]

JA: This better work out. I'd hate it if you threw Ric under the bus for nothing.

AA: I'd hate it if he stopped serving us sandwiches. Let's go grab a few.

[fade to black]

[mooseheadjack]

wCw are in the locker room getting ready for their matches at MM.....

JWW: So Cap, how in the hell did you get roped into that tag match?

Cap: Beats me? First I'm going after the IC belt, next thing I know....

TW: You're in a mixed tag match? I mean, 'Roo seems like an OK dude, but that Sane cat is just well, out there - even by my standards. And you gotta admit, Seraph ain't exactly rolling with all the wheel on the pavement.

Cap: Nah, 'raphs cool bro - just a little... intense.

JWW: No, Manson was intense. Seraph is borderline Cap - you watch yourself.

Cap: Will do Birdman. Speaking of sociopaths - you guys have ANOTHER match with O'Neil and Camby?

JWW: Yeah - go figure. All the teams that are chasin' after these belts, and we get Mumbles O'Reilly and his pet gorilla.

TW: What's with this bunkhouse match? Be kind of nice to take those guys on in a match that doesn't involve a UN violation, you know?

JWW: <Shrugs> Kid, you take what the GM gives you. He likes gimmick matches recently. Besides, it isn't like those two followed the rules anyway... and no limits on them means no limits for US. Feel free to bring your 20' launchpad...

TW: Yeah, but bunkhouse matches, cages, barbed wire, heck, even the hockey matchwas more in your element than mine, JW.

Cap: So? Suggest a match to the GM! You guys hang onto the belts this week, you call the shot at the PPV!

TW: <Brightens up> REALLY? I could create the stips!

JWW: Whoa whoa whoa! Bad enough I'm starting to ENJOY these little "training sessions" with you guys - base jumping, surfing, bungie - THAT I'm willing to try. But *no* way in blue hell am I going to let Mr. "It's only a little gravity" give GM TheRick any ideas..

TW: Aww - C'mon 'Bird! I promise I'll make it something people will NEVER forget!

JWW: THAT'S what I'm afraid of - people never forget train wrecks...

Cap: Dudes - Chill.... Tell you what - I'll write down a number on a piece of paper, fold it up, and hold it where you both can see. Each of you takes a guess. If Wild-man is closer, he pitches his idea to the Boos-man. If not, 'Bird is safe from any extra-cirricular trips for the rest of this tour. DeaL?

JWW: Wait. I win, no ice climbing, rappeling, street luge, or any of the other crazy shit you two call fun?

TW: <mumbles> Yeah, like strapping on skates and letting guys hit you with sticks....>

Cap: Chill bro... Yeah - you'll get a pass.

JWW: <Thinks> Do it.

<Cap scribbles a number on a pices of paper, folds it up, and holds it in the air...>

Cap: OK JW - you first.

JWW: <Takes a moment to think> 50. <Big gring> Pressures' on you kid!

TW: <Looks at JW, then Cap> 80.

<Cap unfolds the paper, shows it to the Ninja Camera - it says 94.>

Cap: Good guess Wilder!

JWW: Oh hell. Well, better stock up on ice and ace bandages... <JWW Exits>

Cap: There you go Wild-man!

TW: Gee Cap - what would have happened if he picked, say...80?

Cap: Easy! <Holds up another piece of paper - number 18> You would have picked 20 right? Lets split a case of 'Bull and come up with some ideas... Oh - and did you know that they have the steepest skatebord ramp in the WORLD in Japan?

TW: Cool!


<FADE>

[mooseheadjack]

<Jack is sitting in the locker room, alone, we can see that he is doing something but cannot tell what>

Niles, it comes as no surprise to me that you refuse to meet me in a Taipei Death match, after all, you are a coward. You always need something to hide behind, first it was me and the Establishment, then it was those half-wits Johnny and AA, and now, now you are hiding behind your faith.

That's all well and good Niles, because tonight, you are going to need all the faith a false prophet like you can muster

<the camera pulls back and we see Jack has his fists wrapped and he is repeatedly plunging them into buckets of broken glass>

See Niles, you may not have accepted a Taipei Death Match, but I figure I have a good five minutes to get my hands on you and beat you bloody until security gets involved. In that five minutes, you are going to experience pain like you have never felt before, the pain of my fists embedding glass in your head, and the pain of humiliation. You are running like a coward. What's wrong Niles? Where's that bravado? Where's that big talk? You were the man that pulled one over on Moosehead Jack, you were the one talking big, you had broken me. Where is that talk now? Seems like you are doing more running than talking. That's ok. You can only run for so long. And when you stop and turn around, I will be standing right there, and at that moment, your worst nightmares will come true.

Trust me.

[mooseheadjack]

(CTG sees Moose's promo and grabs his phone to call Niles)

Niles' phone: You have reached OOWF champion Niles Anderson, currently I am busy talking to Jesus about my life so if you could please leave a message, your name, your telephone number and if you are female, your measurements and hair color. I will get back with you as soon as Jesus and I are done talking, <beep>

CTG: (shaking head) Niles? Concrete..... I just saw Moose's promo and he MEANS it when he gets in the ring for a Taipei Death Match. If you're not comfortable fighting him in one of those, let me be your second - remember, death matches don't have DQs so I can be in your corner. Oh, and don't worry about me and my match with Harris, that'll be easy compared to any match I've ever had with Moose. Call me as soon as you get this, ok? Last thing we need is a dead OOWF champion..... (hangs up)

[mooseheadjack]

*Niles is preparing for his match when he notices he has a message on his phone.*

Niles - Wonder who that could be?

*He presses a few buttons to check his messages.*

Message Machine - Niles? Concrete..... I just saw Moose's promo and he... and he... and he...

*The message machine keeps skipping.*

Niles - Dammit!

*Niles presses a few more buttons to try and fix it.

Message Machine - Message Erased, you have 1 new Message... Niles, it's Sexy Female Journalist #5. I just wanted to say our "prayer session" was fantastic last nigh. You really know how to inject the love of Christ into a woman. You're like a holy trinity all on your own and way better than 3 Stanks could ever be. I'll make sure to be on my knees next time you come around.

*beep*

Niles - Hmmm, wonder what promo Concrete was talking about? Probably nothing to worry about. I've got Jesus on my side. Even Moose has to respect that.

*Niles continues preparing for his match with MHJ completely oblivious of the phone message or the promos content. Fade to Black.*

[mooseheadjack]

Niles Anderson is busy messing with his message machine and doesn’t hear an OOWF Superstar enter his locker room.

Mysterious Voice: Jesus wants to talk to you…

Niles: Who’s there?

MV: Jesus.

Niles: Yeah, right. Look, I know it’s not SFJ #5. And that doesn’t sound like Mooseheadjack. That isn’t you, is it Moose?

MV: No. It’s Jesus. We need to talk, Niles.

NA: Well, OK. I’ve never actually talked to you in person. This ought to be cool.

Jesus walks into the room.

Jesus C. Kidneypuncher, that is.

NA: Oh, it’s only you.

JCK: What do you mean, only me? You talk about me all the time, and yet I never get any camera time. Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster told me that every time you mentioned me in a promo I’d get $100, and once a week I’d get face time on camera. I even flew to Hawaii for you. But all I’ve got so far is some girly drinks at the bar with The Chickenshit Heels and Drink and Destroy. So when do I start getting to do promos with you?

NA: But you’re not really Jesus. You’re just some dude named...

JCK: My name is...

The Rock: It doesn’t matter what your name is!!!!!!

NA: What the hell was that?

JCK: Got me. And don't curse. That's not nice.

NA: Well, let’s get on with the promo. You know, this things beginning to read like it was written by The Chickenshit Heels. (Niles and JCK look to the left to find the writer of this promo. They sigh, shrug and reluctantly move on.) Anyway, let’s start again with “My name is…”

JCK: My name is Jesus C. Kidneypuncher. Look at my driver’s license. (JCK produces a driver’s license with the name “Jesus C. Kidneypuncher.”)

NA: Well, I’ll be damned (yes, pun intended). You really are Jesus.

JCK: So do I get paid for this?

NA: I’m not sure about that.

JCK: I could go punch Mooseheadjack in the kidneys.

NA: That’s a good idea. Why don’t you go do that, and I’ll handle the finances while you’re punching Moose in the kidneys.

(JCK leaves the lockerroom.)

NA: Dear Lord, just tell me there isn’t room in heaven for Adrenaline and Adjuster.