AA - Look at that banner ad at the top.
Stank - Yeah?
AA -
WealthyMen.com?
Stank - What about them?
AA - We're being sponsored by
dating services now? Just another sign of HER influence around here.
Stank - Who?
AA - Who do you THINK...? Firewoman!
Stank - Why Firewoman? There are plenty of SFJ's around.
AA - Yeah, but they know their place. They don't wrestle. Ever since Firewoman showed up management has been bending over backwards, changing up our demographics!
Stank - I wouldn't say that.
AA - EAHHH what do you know? You've been too busy with your own shenanigans to notice. Speaking of that, see what that banner ad says?
Stank -
WealthyMen.com - Wealthy Men. Rich Liv-
AA - No. The other part.
Stank - Limited Time Promo.
AA - You should look into that.
Stank - What the fuck are you talking about, Alan?
AA - I mean all these long, overproduced, promos you got going with Alexis Darling.
Stank - I haven't heard from Alexis in days.
AA - You KNOW what I'm talking about.
<Someone is POUNDING at the HEAVILY secured door to the Destroyitarium, desperately trying to get in. The bartender makes his way over.>
Stank - Don't!
B -
Stank - Just pour Alan another drink.
<The bartender makes his way back to Stank and AA.>
AA - How do you know who that is?
<Stank shoots AA a look.>
AA - Right.
Stank - Why do you antagonize her?
AA - The SKANK FAKED a PREGNACY!
Stank - Not Fire, idiot... KAY!
AA - Oh Kayfabe... I don't know... it's fun.
Stank - Whatever.
AA - ...
Stank - ...
AA - ... so... you going to-
Stank - DAMN IT, ALAN you TOLD me to look into limited time promos!
AA - Well we couldn't end it like that!
Stank - Why not?
AA - Promoing is an art form...
Stank - Have we established whether promoing is a word or not?
AA - No... shut up... The art of a really great promo is how you end it.
Stank - ...
AA - ...
Stank - ...
AA - You've got nothing to say?
Stank - I WAS TRYING TO END IT!
AA - Well you can't END it like THAT!
Stank - Why the fuck not?
AA - Because we haven't even warmed up to an ending. We haven't established a point.
Stank - Well the point of the two of us sitting here is management wants us to fight.
AA - Ok, Ok, good.
Stank - No. Not good. I got shit to do. I'm busy with this bounty on my head... and all the shit between Crete and Moose.
AA - Yeah... and I still got to deal with that SKANK Firewoman.
Stank - Besides... What is this... the WWE? What wrestling fed tries to establish a major feud, between two of their biggest names, two weeks before their premiere Pay-Per-View?
AA - Yeah that definitely REEKS of amateur hour.
Stank - ...
AA - ...
Stank - ...
AA - Not yet.
Stank - OH FOR FUCK SAKE, ALAN!
AA - We still haven't established our feud!
Stank - Why can't we just let the promo end, sit here, and drink?
AA - It doesn't feel right.
Stank - It doesn't... FEEL right?
AA - No Lucas. You got to have a sixth sense about these things man! Promos can be fragile.
Stank - I know a thing or two about promos Alan.
AA - No you don't.
Stank - I won promo of the year last year.
AA - That was last year. You don't even HAVE a promo on the ballot THIS year.
Stank – Yeah, but you and Johnny Cakes do.
AA - Johnny Cakes, Lucas… really?
Stank - Just trying it out.
AA - That promo is brilliant.
Stank - Yeah, talk about over produced...
AA - It wasn't over produced!
Stank - You kidding ME? All the fucking doctored photos and shit!
AA - WHAT? Those photos were NOT DOCTORED!
<The pounding on the door becomes more FEROCIOUS!>
AA - How DARE you suggest we faked those!
Stank - Please. Johnny tagged with Chris Adams?
AA - Yeah.
Stank - You tagged with the fricken FREEBIRDS?
AA - That's FABULOUS Freebirds... and I didn't TAG with them-
Stank - You wrestled the Von Erics.
AA - Yes.
Stank - ...
AA - ...What?
Stank – Alan… it's 2008.
AA - SO??? It's MORE BELIEVABLE than you, and Capslock's ANCESTORS forming Drink & Destroy, back in the 1600's!
Stank - 1800's!
AA - Whatever! You can't put down our promo because it's FLAWLESS!
Stank - It's long and overproduced.
AA - WHAT! You can't THROW that back in MY face!
Stank - Why not? And don't even THINK about saying
Because go fuck yourself, that's why.
AA – Moi? Steal someone's catchphrase...? For SHAME!
Stank - Can't we just follow YOUR advice and try out the limited time promo thing YOU suggested?
AA - No! For one... we're not done establishing my promo greatness... and two... it doesn't feel right, yet.
Stank - Oh
THIS shit again. Why doesn't it FEEL right, oh master of promoing?
AA - Promonating.
Stank - Promo
WHAT?
AA - I've decided promoing is not a word.
Stank - And Promonating is?
AA - Just trying it on for size.
Stank - ...
AA - ...
Stank - ...
AA - NOT YET!
Stank - I'm not talking anymore.
AA - THIS is NOT a proper ending!
Stank - ...
AA - We haven't explained why I'M here.
Stank - I could start whipping the shit out of you with this belt, again.
AA - … … I thought you said you weren't talking.
Stank - But this is MY promo. I should have the last word.
AA - No... this isn't your promo, yet. It's not sufficiently long enough. Like one of those rambling, overly produced ones you got going with Alexis Darling.
Stank - I told you I haven't heard from her!
AA - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
<Sparks start to fly at the front door entrance as the person on the other side has clear designs on using a BLOWTORCH to break in. Stank looks toward the door.>
Stank – ah fuck it… DO you HAVE ANY idea how HARD it is to establish a proper NARRATIVE?
<The blowtorch burns brighter with intensity>
AA - Narrative?
Stank - We've been at war for the better part of a YEAR. I aim to see Bennett taken DOWN in a BIG way! Alexis is a HUGE part of that! It's not something you can just explain away in 30 words or less!
AA - But WHY go Hollywood?
Stank - What the fuck are you talking about, Alan?
AA - This is professional wrestling. Wrestling should never go full Hollywood. Hulk Hogan throwing Big Show off a building in WCW…
Stank – Admittedly dumb.
AA – Ric Flair’s plane crash…
Stank – Pretty sure that was real, Alan.
AA – It was?
Stank – Yes.
AA – Hmmm… It’s a miracle I survived.
Stank – Oh for the LOVE o- YOU WERE NOT ON THAT PLANE, ALAN!
AA – Says you… Anyway, you know what I mean by full Hollywood, right? Like Vince blowing up his limo with him inside it.
<The blowtorch ceases only to be followed by what sounds like a sledgehammer SLAMMING up against the heavily bolted door.>
Stank - The stuff with Alexis Darling is NOT Hollywood.
AA - It is.
Stank - It's NOT! It's entertaining. Besides you and I are not even supposed to know what's happening with her. All that stuff is for the benefit of the audience so that it suitably crescendos to the PPV.
AA - WHAT? You even SOUND all Hollywoody.
Stank - I do not!
AA (mocking) -
”So that it suitably crescendos to the PPV”... gimmie a break!
Stank – Hey! Look at this next Lexie Darling promo and TELL me it's over produced!
<The hammering at the door stops.>
______________________
A little under 48 hours ago______________________
<Donovan Viper is questioning Alexis Darling.>
DV – So you got nothing to say, eh?
AD – MMMM! MMMM! MMMMM!
DV – Oh right. You got tape over your mouth. If I remove it you’ve got to promise not to spit in my face.
<Alexis nods in the affirmative. Viper removes the tape, and Alexis promptly SPITS in Viper’s face!>
DV – Bitch!
<Donovan Viper smacks Alexis across her face, wipes the spittle from his cheek, then puts the tape back over her mouth.>
DV – Guards! Take this one back to her boyfriend in the other room! Oh. And get her something else to wear. Her attire offends me.
Guard – What? I don’t think…
DV – THAT’S RIGHT! YOU don’t THINK! I DO! Get her a CHANGE of clothes!
Guard 2 – But… I think that’s a waste of our time.
DV – JUST DO AS I SAY!
<The guards remove Alexis from her chair and take her to a back room of LJ Bennett’s house. They hand her a change of clothes and turn around, as she puts on a pair of jeans and a blue jersey. She is too exhausted, to protest. Once changed, the guards tie her up, and shove her into a dimly lit room where she falls to the floor. A beat up Ax-Man is sitting, tied to a chair in the middle of the room.>
<Alexis is also beat up, but mostly from the car crash. She lies on the floor as defeat starts to set in.>
<The camera slowly zooms in on Alexis’s face, the music punctuation her growing despair. The camera shows a close up of Alexis’s lips as she whispers a small prayer to whoever might be listening.
<The scene cuts to outside Bennett's Newport, RI residence.>
<A guard walks around outside when he sees something... peculiar...>
<The guard cautiously opens the door, but sees nothing more unusual, but oh the SMELL. As he gags, he turns to walk out and is run over by a group of PIGS!>
<The guard lies on the floor trying to cover up, as he is run over by the muddy swine. His vision blurred from the onslaught, a large shadow looms in through the doorway following the pigs, seemingly in slow motion, in a nod to John Woo's signature doves, where the pug nosed beasts stand in for the birds, the gargantuan man stands before the fallen guard. The guard tries to stand bracing himself against massive amounts of fatty flesh.>
<The scene cuts back to the room where Ax and Alexis are being held. They can hear commotion outside the room. It sounds like squealing pigs and men scrambling about. Bodies can be heard dropping. A shadow blocks out the light that was seeping under the door to the room. Alexis lies still on the floor as the door begins to buckle, then is BLASTED in! Alexis squeezes her eyes shut and can feel giant footsteps coming closer to her. She opens her eyes and looks up. She sees a GIANT staring back at her...>
Alexis - Grunt?
Grunt - Pritteeeeee.
Alexis - How the...? Never mind! Just get us the HELL out of HERE!
<The scene cuts to outside where Grunt is carrying Ax-Man and Alexis walks alongside them. Sydney Shale comes walking out of the brush, pointing the way to safety.>
<All four of them walk through the trees to a road where a nearby pickup truck sits in wait. Grunt puts Ax inside the cabin then climbs up onto the truck bed. Shale gets behind the steering wheel as Alexis climbs into the passenger side. The truck peels off down the road, heading for the highway.
The scene cuts to Niles Anderson lying on the ground, covered in mud, pigs milling about. Niles slowly opens his eyes and is greeted with a snort in his face. Niles nudges the pig's nose away and rises from the ground...>
<He is not pleased.>
________________
Yesterday afternoon________________
<Ax-Man stands by the side of the road, looking over a road map. He hears Alexis Darling over by the pick up truck.>
AD - Ok you were right... the engine is dead.
Ax-Man - I tried to tell you.
SS - I hope this doesn't mean we're walking to Dayton Miss Darling.
Grunt - Grunt hungry!
Ax-Man - You're ALWAYS hungry!
Grunt - Grunt could eat you.
Ax-Man - Grunt better stay the fuck away from me.
Alexis - That's no way to talk to the guy who saved us.
Ax-Man - Whatever... what's the point in going to Dayton anyway? We lost all our evidence.
Alexis - Not ALL of it.
<Alexis pulls a micro-tape out of her pocket>
Fade to Black_____________________
Back at the Destroyitarium_____________________
AA - ...
Stank - ...
AA - ...
Stank - ... Ok, they may have overdone it a little with the camera angles, music, and all.
AA - A little...? They went FULL HOLLYWOOD!
Stank - WELL WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT?? Ax and Grunt haven't wrestled here in FOREVER! I doubt ANYONE around here knows who Sydney Shale is! And Alexis... ... was looking pretty damn FINE in that last pic!
AA - I'm pretty sure that was Meagan Fox.
Stank - Shut up. Anyway, they've got to do SOMETHING to make people interested in these otherwise non playing character's, Lexie excluded of course.
<The blowtorch resumes at the door.>
AA - This brings me back to my point.
Stank - It was so long ago I forgot.
AA - They went full Hollywood.
Stank - There IS no such thing.
AA - In wrestling... of COURSE there is.
Stank - Hello? Have you been to the OOWF? Parking lot brawls... exploding Helicopters, cars getting BLOWN up, disembodied wrestlers fighting over giant statues, popcorn and PORN?
AA - Yeah, yeah I'm not saying there isn't precedent, I'm saying it's not good for wrestling. Back in the day all that was needed was your fed's logo as a backdrop and a damn good bit of information to impart on your opponent.
Stank - Alan once again... it's 2008. And I think before 2009 comes around we should wrap up this promo.
AA - ...
Stank - ...
AA - Not yet.
Stank - ARE YOU INSANE??
AA - Like a FOX!
Stank - ... that's... that's not right.
AA - What?
Stank - It's... crazy like a fox.
AA - What DIFFERENCE does it MAKE!
Stank - I'm just saying...
AA - Listen, I've got a brilliant idea for our feud!
Stank - Can't we just END this. I mean after all of THAT. You know...? The rambling argument over the banner ad, which I'm sure disappeared long ago. Kayfabe trying to make her way in here. The promo WITHIN a promo! What happened to limited TIME? Are you trying to restart the neverending promo?
AA - Well we HAVE past the Promonide Event Horizon or PEH as I like to call it.
Stank - REALLY Alan... Peh?
AA - Hey! I'm the master Promoer! I can call it whatever I want!
Stank - Promoer?
AA - SHUT UP! I'm trying to tell you what our feud should be over. Forget the spilled coffee.
Stank - Forgotten. I doubt anyone is paying attention at this point.
AA - We shall feud... wait for it... ... ...
Stank - ...
AA - ...
Stank - SPEAK!
AA - You're ruining the MOMENT!
Stank - I'm just trying to move things along, Alan.
AA - WE shall FEUD... over... our different promoing philosophies!
Stank - I thought you declared promoing as not a wor-
AA - Well I dedeclare it! It's back on the table!
Stank - I'm not sure dedeclare is a word either.
AA - Could you stop being the grammar police for a MOMENT and just TRY to see the big PICTURE here, Stank!??!
Stank - Didn't we already feud over the box-o-promos?
AA - Big PICTURE, Lucas! This feud will be AWESOME! Why... it might actually lead to my FINALLY winning the OOWF World title!
Stank - I don't think so.
AA - Why? You don't think I can out promo you?
Stank - No. I don't think you can out wrestle me.
AA - ...
Stank - ...
AA - ...
Stank - Can we end this now?
AA - Yeah now seems as good a time as any.
<Kayfabe FINALLY breaks through the door, blowtorch in hand. She shuts off the torch, lifts off her blowtorch mask, and drops the equipment to the floor, staring angrily at both Stank and Attitude Adjuster, not knowing which one to attack first.>
AA - HEY! We ended this promo at a decent spot! You can't just BARGE in here an-
<Kayfabe CHARGES and SPEARS!! AA out of his SEAT!! Stank asks the bartender to pour him another beer, as the two BRAWL in the background.>
Fade Mercifully