OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Khartoum, Sudan
The Saga Begins…….or Continues. It Does Something(EVERYONE CLICK ON THAT LINK! Awesome job Eric)
TEXPRESS vs. THE ULTIMATE INDIGNITY – Winners Get a Spot on the OOWF Roster, Losers are FiredThe Ultimate Indignity is already in the ring waiting for Texpress. “God Blessed Texas” plays, but nothing. The announcer announces Chad and Zane a second time, and still nothing. After a third announcement, they finally come out to the top of the ramp……dressed in street clothing. Chad and Zane stand defiantly at the top of the ramp. Finally, Ecosystem, who is at ringside on commentary, safely sequestered in his very own Cole Mine type chamber, guarded by (unarmed) Blackwater Security gets the mic and speaks.
Well, it seems to me that you two have made your decision. You are not going to wrestle? Fine. You forfeit the match, and thus, you lose. As per the stipulation, you two are GONE from the OOWF. <the crowd boos this loudly> I know, I know. You people want a match and these two have DENIED you that joy. You think that matters? I have an entire roster to choose from who would JUMP at the chance to wrestle. So, let’s see……..Davin Moreland and……how bout……Danny Taylor…..yeah, that will do. You two get out here right now, and face these fine gentlemen.Davin’s music plays, and he comes out to the top of the ramp, also in street clothing. Behind him, the rest of the OOWF locker room empties. One by one they all come out, clearly not dressed to wrestle and stand defiantly at the top of the ramp. Eco takes the scene in for a moment, then turns red with rage.
MUTINY! YOU ARE ALL FIRED! I SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR THIS COMPANY, AND YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS ARE GOING TO WALK OUT ON ME? <Eco takes a moment to collect himself> Fine. You can all stand there. I want you to all stand there. I want you to WATCH what REAL wrestlers can do. You want to deprive these fans? Fine. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the OVOOWF. <Eco turns to the guys in the ring> You two, get out of here. Jablowski and LeFleur…..get out here, you are now on the big show!"CHAMPAGNE" MIKE JABLOWSKI vs. MIKE "CURLING STONE" LEFLEUR“Champagne” Mike Jablowski is out first, drinking his trademark Snapple on the way to the ring. Fun fact: Jablowski is actually the great-great-grandson of President Benjamin Harrison. Yeah. That sounds plausible. The Curling Stone is out next to a ton of boos. Fans remember the last 500 matches Curling Stone was in, where he threw a Curling Stone at his opponent’s head to win Perhaps this time will be different!
Gordy and Mike lock up to start, LeFleur being forced into the corner. LeFleur reverses the lock, unloading with lefts and rights to the abdomen of Jablowski. Jablowski sends him off with a hard kick. Jablowski up to the second rope, comes off with a big clothesline! He goes for the cover, gets a 1 count. Gordy shoves Jablowski into the referee, causing the ref to take an INDY FED REF BUMP! Folks, he’s going to be down for however long we need to set this up! Gordy LeFleur reaches down deep, into his crotch, digging, and whips it out…a Curling Stone! He throws the stone into Jablowski’s head and Jablowski goes down like a big Polish ton of bricks! LeFleur goes for the cover as the referee miraculously awakens! 1-2-3!
WINNER in 3:33….Gordy “Curling Stone” LeFleur!
LeFleur makes an “oops, I did it again” face as the crowd grumbles.
PUCK DUPP vs. XAVIER DUFRENSEXavier Dufrense is already in the ring, jobber’s entrance at a jobber’s show. Nice. Puck Dupp, the only actual wrestler in this whole show, walks in pondering how low he has fallen since appearing on the Hardy Show….no, wait, this is about the same. Xavier Dufrense runs at Puck to start, but Dupp drops him with a drop toehold.
DID YOU KNOW: “Drop toehold” as a term derives from the word “drop” which means to fall or to be release, cause to fall and the term “toehold” which means “holding the toe,” though here it might be better modified to “while holding the toe.” “Toe,” here, euphemistically refers to the foot.
Some wrestling was apparently going on during that Did You Know spot. Puck scoops Xavier up for a Vertical Suplex, but Xavier drops out and pushes Puck Dupp into the turnbuckle post. Xavier goes for the ULTIMATE X, which is just Xavier throwing up a ref’s X and pretending to be injured. OVOOWF referees being very concerned for the well-being of their wrestlers, the ref in the ring gets annoyed and superkicks Xavier. Also, the referee is Marty Jannetty. Puck Dupp goes for the cover: 1-2-3!
WINNER in 4:23…Puck Dupp!
Dupp celebrates with the fans, able to stave off those feelings of crushing despair for a few more precious, fleeting moments.
MAPLE LEAF MAFIA vs. SUM PHAT HO & FUMUNDA MUNG The Canadian Dream & The Canadian Nightmare, the Maple Leaf Mafia are out first, drawing a pop from those folks who remember them jobbing on OOWF TV a few weeks ago. And by a “pop,” we mean someone said, “Hey, I know those fuckers!”
Sum Phat Ho and Fumunda Mung are out next. Sum looks a little…different than usual. For one thing, he’s wearing a mask. Secondly, he has breasts. Thirdly, he’s black. At least two of those three things were not the case last week. Anyway, Sum Phat Ho takes the spot in the middle of the ring as the bell rings. The Canadian Nightmare is out to match, gesturing for a lockup, but Sum Phat Ho begs off. Sum Phat Ho unmasks to reveal…Awesome Kong? Huh?
Fumunda Mung blind tags in off the surprise and scoops The Canadian Nightmare on his back! Awesome Kong grabs The Canadian Dream and hurls him on top as well…Fumunda Mung with a massive double Samoan Drop!
Fumunda Mung: Sorry boys…you’ve been…miscarried!
Mung has a good laugh, but Kong just looks pissed and pushes him over right into a Canadian Nightmare rollup. 1-2-3.
WINNERS in 0:42…Maple Leaf Mafia.
Awesome Kong walks out to applause and a chant of “Joe’s Gonna Kill You!” Fun fact: OVOOWF engages in a subtle propaganda campaign to convince fans that anyone who has ever wrestled for TNA is actually Samoa Joe.
VERMONSTERS vs. SHIVA SINGH & MOXXI OXLADEShiva Singh and Mossi Oxlade are out first, to their traditional heavy metal version of “I Love You, You Love Me” by Barney. Just sends shivers down your spine, folks. And here come the Vermonsters, Ben Ice and Jerry Cream! The Vermonsters are possibly the only team ever to gain heel heat by being from Vermont as opposed to Ohio.
Mossi Oxlade out to start against Jerry Cream, and the two athletic young men trade hip tosses, arm bars and arm drags for a couple minutes. They look really disappointed that no Indy-Show Applause seems forthcoming. Cream deals with this crushing disappointment by arguing with the audience that “No, that was really cool!” Mossi deals with this crushing disappointment by kicking Jerry Cream in the face. IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE! Cream tumbles into the corner and Ben Ice tags in.
Ben Ice, a veritable Rocky Road of a man, is a House o’ Americone Dream as he enters, clotheslining Oxlade down once, twice, three times! And then four! And then five! And the six! Singh yells: “STOP GETTING UP AND ROLL AWAY!” Oxlade does, and Singh gets the tag. Singh pops up to the third rope, comes off, cross body to Ben Ice connects! He goes for the cover: 1-2-kickout! Wait a second…what’s Yves Vachon doing out here? Yves Vachon is Shiva Singh’s usual partner, according to the official OOWF Job Squad list, but perhaps there has been some tension between the two! Shiva goes to the side of the ropes to argue as the referee checks on Ben Ice—offensive moves are unusual in the OVOOWF—but Yves clocks Shiva in the face with a vodka bottle! Shiva falls back, and Ice goes for the cover: 1-2-3!
WINNERS in 5:01….the Vermonsters!
Ice and Cream slide out of the ring and slip past Vachon as he enters the ring. The crowd is booing as Yves Vachon takes a microphone.
Vachon: (in heavily accented English) I neva like-a you…FOREIGNER!
The fans chant “USA, USA!” as Vachon leaves.
”BLAIR WITCH” EMBER BLACKPOOL vs. WULF WARHAMMER - OVOOWF Brass Knuckles Title Match Wulf Warhammer is in first to the tune of “No Really, My Name Doesn’t Make Me A Nazi, You Guys” by Adolf von Eichmann. A fine country musician, that lad. Warhammer is in the ring, bounding off the ropes when suddenly, out of nowhere, :”Blair Witch” Ember Blackpool comes out of the crowd and hits Warhammer with a pair of brass knuckles! The ref rings the bell as Ember covers, 1-2-3!
WINNER in 0:03…and still champion…Ember Blackpool!
What, you thought Brass Knuckle matches were long?
THE FOUR NORSEMEN vs. THE DRACULS - OVOOWF Six Man Title MatchThree of the Four Norsemen (Strebor Nhoj, Ressued Samoht, Enytsla Nav Nairb) are out to defend the Six-Man Titles (freebird rules), accompanied by Strebor’s brother and Fourth Norseman, Nostag Ydna. They slap the fans’ hands as they come down to wrestle, creating their traditional ruckus. The Dracul Brothers (Radu, Tavian, Vlad) are out next, cutting an imposing figure as they pretend to fly in on rope harnesses and wire.
Radu: I vant to drink you blood….but I vant to drink this Peach Tea Snapple more!
Two minutes of product placement photos take place. Eventually, Ressued Samoht gets bored and punches Radu in the face (the bell rang a while ago) and Radu kicks the SHIT out of him. As in “Radu knocked him down, held his legs, and kicked him in the gut until he literally soiled himself.” Samoht drags himself in pain and embarrassment to the corner and tags in Nav Nairb. Nairb runs to tackle, but is head faked into the Dracul’s corner by Radu, where everyone lays in with kicks. Vlad takes the tag in, and is a House o’ Horrors as he sends Nairb flying with a Last Call variant!
Luckily, Nairb rolls over to Strebor, who sighs and tags in. Vlad makes a Flying Pounce attempt, but Strebor scouts him and dropkicks him into Tavian. Tavian takes this as a blind tag, running in and spearing down the Occasionally Competent Norseman. Tavian hooks Strebor up for the power bomb, but Strebor Nhoj punches him in the head and Tavian slips, Strebor on top. Strebor reaches out and grabs the ropes and Nostag’s arms, but the ref doesn’t see it! 1-2-3!
WINNERS in 5:22…and STILL Six-Man Champions…The Four Norsemen.
The Norsemen run away, holding their titles, as the Draculs make “vampire sounds” in the ring that sound as though they are giving birth to Awesome Kong’s child.
STEVE THE VIKING vs. SAMMY “FIREWATER” BLACKFOOT - OVOOWF America's Title Match Steve the Viking is out first to a nice legitimate pop. People really appreciate his work—he’s no Danielson, but he’s been only steadily improving. He raises up his America’s Title and sits on the top turnbuckle. The familiar howl plays over the OOTron, and Firewater Blackfoot is out next, boozing and celebrating in advance of his possible title victory.
The two men lock up in the middle of the ring, Blackfoot kicks Steve in the knee and throws him with a hip toss into an arm bar. Steve fights his way out, replying back with a couple arm drags and a dropkick that send Blackfoot flying over the ropes. Steve the Viking comes up with a pretty Arabian Moonsault to the outside, taking Blackfoot off his feet. Side kick, side kick, and a final spin kick sending Blackfoot into the barricade. Viking takes the cheers for a second and rolls back into the ring. Blackfoot is able to get in to answer the count, however.
As the two trade blows, Firewater gets a quick thumb to the eye, followed by the Bury my Heart At Wounded Knee half-codebreaker, which gets him a two-count. Sammy Blackfoot goes for a set of rolling Germans: 1…2…3…but Steve turns the fourth into a hip toss into a side headlock. Blackfoot forces him off, gets up quick and attempts the Black Foot pump kick, but Steve ducks down, causing Blackfoot to throw HIMSELF crotch-first into Steve’s shoulder. Steve pulls him up into Fireman’s Carry Postion…(Generic) VIKING (Film On) DVD! He hit it! 1-2-3!
WINNER in 111 and STILL OVOOWF America’s Champion…Steve the Viking!
Steve the Viking exits through the audience to backslaps and cheers, while Blackfoot rubs his squished scrotum, promising it lovingly that everything will be okay. Okay….
THE BAY BRIDGE BOYZ vs. MURDER INC. - OVOOWF World Tag Team Title Match The Bay Bridge Boyz, Jinx & Spazz, are out first carrying their World Tag Titles, and they’ve got microphones! They’re ready to lay down some funky beats!
Jinx: Yo, yo, check it. My name is Jinx, beats rare like a lynx, my jokes gettin’ winks, your jokes gettin’ stinks!
Spazz: My name is Spazz, I don’t often rhyme, but when I do, it’s pretty good!
Murder Inc. comes in and beats their heads in with shovels. Well, that’s where they got the name. Johnny Icepick picks Spazz up overhead as Joey Kielbasa reaches up—ICED SAUSAGE! Joey then scoops Jinx up into a powerbomb position as Kielbasa goes up top—CONCRETE SHOES! And now both Jinx and Spazz are being scooped up—MAMA MIA, THAT’S A SPICY MEAT-A-BALL! Jinx and Spazz are both flat on the ground, but Icepick hooks both their heads, and hits THAT’S AMORE! Kielbasa runs in now with the CIAO-BELLA KICK! Both the Bay Bridge Boyz have their arms clutched…STEREO MARK HENRY MEMORIAL ARMBARS! The Boyz immediately tap out! New champs!
WINNERS in 2:22…and NEW Tag Team Champions…Murder Inc!
The referee questions the shovels meekly after the match.
Johnny Ice: Eyyyy, youse didn’t see nuttin!
”LOVE MACHINE” BILLY WAYNE WOODARD vs. CARL FROM FRESNO - OVOOWF World Heavyweight Title MatchThe Love Machine is out first to the tune of, what else, “Love Shack.” Despite the cheery music, Woodard is a fierce competitor, and has no intention of dropping the title to a former OOWF star. Carl from Fresno is out next to a big pop, mostly because he was announced as “Carl…from Fresno, OHIO!” Anyway, Carl and Billy tie up to start, Billy shoving Carl into the corner. Billy shoves his shoulder into the gut of Carl a few times, finally pulling him out for a back body drop. Carl tries to pull a Taker-style situp to freak BWW out, but Woodard just kicks him in the back of the head, sending him out of the ring.
Bee-Dub-Dub bounds off the opposite ropes and nails Carl with a suicide dive to the outside, which leads to a long brawl on the outside, with a few near-countouts, Carl takes a hard whip into the steel chairs and the Champion rolls into the ring to wait. Carl answers the count at 6, but Woodard goes right to stomps on the back. Carl scoops the leg out however, going to a Figure Four! Bee-Dub-Dub gets to the ropes however, breaking the hold. Carl goes for a tackle, but Woodard throws him into the turnbuckle post. He drag shim out, AGAIN shoulder-first into the turnbuckles. He finally scoops Carl out, and pulls him up…
Loving Brainbuster! Loving Brainbuster! Woodard goes for a one-foot cover…1…2…No! Carl gets the shoulder up and hooks the ankle…ankle lock! Woodard kicks Carl off hard though, catching him in the side of the head and knocking him down. Woodard begins climbing, looking for the Machinist Moonsault, but Carl grabs him down from behind, slamming him to the mat with a total surprise! Carl with a rollup out of nowhere, 1, 2, 3! New champion!
WINNER in 8:22…and NEW OVOOWF World Heavyweight Champion…Carl from Fresno!
Carl celebrates in the ring as Woodard just looks shocked.
PA: I know who you are…the leader of lost souls…
Ecosystem is climbs into the ring. He looks as though he hasn’t slept in days, and is carrying replica belts of half the OOWF championships with his face on them. He stumbles up to the ring and raises his microphone to his mouth.
Eco: What was that? That is not how a real champion wins a match! A rollup? A ROLLUP? Carl, I request, no, I DEMAND that you surrender your OVOOWF World Heavyweight Title to me immediately! Clearly, no one in this company deserves the title, and it only seems right that your General Manager and current OOWF World, Intercontinental, Tag Team, Onslaught and DDT Champion be bestowed with the honor of—
BAM! Carl from Fresno hits Eco between the eyes with the OVOOWF title! Eco goes down as Carl walks out to cheers. Eco is lying on the mat, screaming with rage at the fans to shut up.
Eco gets to his feet shaking with rage. He kicks his replica titles out of the ring one by one, then regains a measure of composure.
I hope all you fans liked what you saw <the crowd boos the less than top notch card loudly> Oh, but the show is just beginning! Now, for the real Main EventBlackwater Security climbs into the ring and stands behind Eco
What I want right now, is for Alexander Darling, Stan Fulton, Stank, Eric O’Mac, Bryce Larson, Danny Taylor, Outback Jack, DH Magnusson and Chad Madison……I want every one of you to come to this ring, RIGHT NOW and surrender your titles to ME! I want you to get into this ring and DROP YOUR TITLES AT MY FEET! DO IT! DO IT RIGHT NOW!Not a single member of the OOWF roster moves from their spots on the stage
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME? I SAID GET INTO THIS RING RIGHT NOW AND SURRENDER YOUR TITLES! YOU ARE ALL STRIPPED OF YOUR TITLES! BLACKWATER, GO GET ME THOSE TITLES NOW!Blackwater Security leaves the ring and starts up the ramp. The OOWF wrestlers ready themselves for a fight, and we see that more Blackwater Security are heading to ringside……and some of them are armed. This could get VERY ugly
I WARNED YOU! I TOLD YOU NO ONE LAUGHS AT JUNICHIRO MUYO! NO ONE!Just as it looks like a confrontation is inevitable, the lights go off. After a second, a blinding white spotlight appears on Eco, Eco holds his hand up to shield his eyes. As he looks around trying to figure out what is going on, he is nearly drowned in what appears to be blood…..BLOODBATH! The lights come back on and we see Eco standing in the middle of the ring, drenched in blood. He looks at his hands, and down at himself and starts to shake, either in rage or fear. Eco slowly looks up at the stage where all the OOWF wrestlers have parted. Standing there, in the middle of everyone, is Death. Eco locks eyes with Death, and his eyes go wide. Slowly Death raises its arm and beckons Eco to come with him. As if in a trance, Eco leaves the ring and heads up the ramp and follows Death to the back as we fade to black.
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