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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:04:36 GMT -5
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem/OOWF Invitational Round 2 Live From Coxsackie, New York Brackets OOWF Invitational Round 2Moosehead Jack vs. Eric O'Mac Spin Hansen vs. Firewoman Canadian Dragon vs. Firechild Capellan vs. Seraph F. Fonzworth MacCappington vs. Chris Cole Damon Wrath vs. DH Magnusson Alexander Darling vs. LD Williams Seamus McNasty vs. Tommy Wilder OOWF Intercontinental Title MatchOutback Jack vs. Donovan Viper OOWF World Tag Team Title MatchDefenestrators vs. Phantos & Lucios Non-Title MatchDavin Moreland vs. The Dead The Nerves Agent & Blitz vs. Apocalyptic Bastards Ryan Hardcore vs. Rabbxt Card subject to negative wind chills
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:08:56 GMT -5
[The Dead is FURIOUS after his match with The E.]
Dead: That's twice!
[The Dead picks up a chair and throws it into a set of lockers leaving a huge dent.]
Dead: That motherfucker did it again!
[The Dead punches a hole into the wall.]
Dead: Fuck!
[The Dead grabs the cameraman and pulls him in close. All you can see in the camera is The Dead's face and rage is burning in his eyes.]
Dead: E, The Dead wants you to listen very closely. If The Dead sees you in the halls what he will do to you will make what Moreland did to Darling look like child's play. If you ever want to wrestle again, or hell, walk again, The Dead suggests that you stay as far away from him as possible. Not that it'll matter once Moosehead Jack is through with you.
[The Dead backs up from the camera and tries to calm himself down.]
Dead: Speaking of Moreland, what a horrible draw for you this coming week. It's good for you that you won't be putting your title on the line because with the way The Dead feels right now, there is no way in hell you're leaving that match a winner. Leave your little trampoline boys in the back next week and prepare yourself for a god damn fight. Davin, in one week, YOU ARE DEAD!
[The Dead throws the cameraman out but you can still hear the destruction going on in the locker room.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:10:36 GMT -5
Firewoman and Rabbxt are sitting in the DEA Suites.
R: Wow, these are nice. So you gonna do that interview for OOWF magazine?
FW: [sighs] Yeah, probably. I was actually going to do it, but it was more fun at the time to set off Alexis.
R: What is up with you two?
FW: Just "girl stuff." You men have nothing on same sex competition.
R: I suppose....
FW: Uh, speaking of...sorry about your match.
R: Yeah....it happens. I guess.
FW: It's too bad. You hit some really sweet spots.
R: Yeah, thanks. [He picks up the copy of the roster]. Whoa...have you seen this?
FW: Uh, yeah....
R: Do you see whose bracket you're in?
FW: Of course I have. Your point?
R: He kills people!!
FW: Not literally.
R: Not literally YET!!
FW: One match at a time. I've got Spin next week. Let's see, I'm 5'6 and 135 pounds. He's 6'10" and 329. Oh yeah, that works.
R: It does?
FW: Rabbxt, my friend, everyone has an Achilles heel. The goal is to find what Spin's is, and use it.
R: Ahhh....So that's what you're looking for in all those tapes you have.
FW: Well, yeah...what did you think I was looking for?
R: I never really knew.
FW: Please tell me you're kidding.
R: Okay, I'm kidding.
FW: I don't think you are. But never mind, I need to find.... [She sees Hayden Panettiere enter the room] Hey....aren't you....?
HP: Yes, yes I am.
R: Don't do it, Fire....
FW: Hush, Rabbxt. So, you are the new DEA gopher or something?
HP: Well, I am Mr. Darling's assistant, yes. Is there something I can help you with?
Rabbxt looks down and shakes his head as Firewoman gets up and walks slowly towards Hayden
FW: Why yes indeed, there is something you can help me with. I need some tape of Spin Hansen's past matches. Think you can help me with that?
HP: Oh sure, I know right where they are.
She goes off to find the tapes. Rabbxt is stunned
R: That's it???
FW: For now...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:11:34 GMT -5
[Voltage walks into the LOADEDtorium.]
Eco: Where the fuck have you been?
Volt: I've been training for my wrestling debut.
Eco: Oh that's...wait, what?
Volt: Oh shit, wrong persona. This is kinda awkward.
Eco: Yeah.
Volt: So what's that belt you're wearing?
Eco: We're the current tag team champions.
Volt: ...hahaha, nice one Eco. Pull one over on old Voltage, have him think he's achieved something.
Eco: ...no, we're the champs. We beat Los Defenestratore...YOU WERE IN THAT MATCH! WHY AM I HAVING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?!
Volt: So where's my belt then?
Eco: I gave it to Mario Estupendo.
Mario Estupendo: MARIO ESTUPENDO!
Volt: Yknow what? I still find that funny. Anyway, who are all these new people floating around? I mean, the E? Who the fuck is that guy?
Eco: ...Eric O'Mac. Didn't you introduce yourself to him when you walked straight past him?
Volt: No, I was too busy talking on my new Sprin...wait, words are bolded around here now? What on earth is going on?
[Moosehead Jack walks in.]
Volt: Oh, hey Jack.
MHJ: [to Eco] Has he broken kayfabe yet?
Eco: Yeah, he didnt put OOC around his first comment.
[MHJ heartpunches Voltage.]
Eco: Don't you ever feel guilty about that?
MHJ: It comes and goes.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:11:58 GMT -5
Scene Close up on Cell phone on a table. (Background sounds heavy bag getting hit people grappling)
Yell out Random Voice: Damon you got a phone call.
DW: (dripping with sweat breathing hard) hang on I got it: (He answers the phone.) Damon here what the hell you want. Oh Seamus its you, what up dude. Hang on let me put you on speaker.
SMc: Damon where the hell did you disappear to. I was looking for a 3rd for the poker game.
DW: Sorry dude went out for some heavy duty training with a friend.
Unknown Voice (at location with Wrath) Damon are you going to talk or train.
DW: Hang on Tim Ill be there to kick your ass in a minute.
(Pulls back you see the “Team Miletich Gym in Iowa)(Tim is 6ft 8in 2 55lbTim “The Maniac” Sylvia” 4 time UFC heavyweight champ )
Pat Miletich: Get over here Wrath you asked for this not us.
DWBack to phone) Ill call you once I’m back in town we can grab some beers then.
SMc: Ok Damon, Ill see once you get back.
DW(back to phone) Thanks dude Magnusson won’t know what hit him.
(Hangs up the phone and starts sparing with Sylvia with Miletich yelling instructions) (Focus goes soft fades to black)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:12:18 GMT -5
"The Main Event" Chris Cole is in his locker room relaxing after his victory in the first round of the OOWF Invitational. We hear a knock at the door and Firechild enters.
FC: in a very unispired voice. Mr. Cole, I have a message from F. Fonzworth McCappington III. He requests your presence to discuss your round two match prior to the event.
CC: This is what you do now, man?
FC: Don't bring it up.
CC: Did he send you here just to humilate you? The look on Firechild's face makes you believe Cole's guess was accurate. You are so much better then this. Look, I've said it before but I'm going to say it again. I"m sorry for the hell I put you through during our dying days on the Set. I was growing jealous of your budding success and I tried to stop it.
FC: It's ancient history.
CC: You didn't let me stop you from being the best so don't like Capslock do it either.
FC: Are you going to meet him or not?
CC: I'll make my way over there.
Firechild nods and starts to leave.
CC: Take care, Chris.
Firechild stops for a moment before exiting. Cole leans back and takes a few moments in silence. He reaches for his DVD collection and pops in a segment from 3 Piece Set days with Ax & Cole as Tag Champs and Firechild as Onslaught Champ. He smiles and we fade.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:14:07 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland is BUMMIN' and is watching a Stank DVD on the Sony Multimedia Center in the Run DLP Locker Room, Presented by Aquafina*
DM: Fuck.
*His Sprint PCS phone rings, he answers*
DM: Hello? Hey Cori...yeah..no...no, not this week I don't think...Well, don't get all pissy. Yeah, you're right; it's another girl, in fact it's 20 others. Yes, I'm marginalizing your feelings because you're BEING FUCKING RIDICULOUS!...Well, I had a tough loss this week...yeah...World Title shot...Yup...I know...Well, thanks but that's not the...Well...I'll have time to reflect when I retire...Ha, ha very funny...Ok babe...Yeah, I'll call you later this week...bye...
DM: *rubs his temples* FUCK! I forgot 19 year olds are insane...
*Phantos and Lucios come in from a Marketing Meeting; so we get the hilarious "Guys with Masks On Wearing Suits" thing again. They've obviously been arguing.*
P: Don't TELL me I'm supposed to be disappointed!
L: Well, you should be, you lost.
P: SO DID YOU!
L: I KNOW! But at least I was FOCUSED!
P: FOCUS!! FOCUS?? We're talking about FOCUS?? Not a MATCH...Not a match...Focus?
L: Do you have any original thoughts at all?
P: Do you? You're all "Train, Watch Tape, Focus"...well How did that work out for ya this week?
DM: OK ENOUGH!
P: Oh, Hi Davin.
L: Enough what?
DM: ENOUGH of your inane back and forth blather. I forget, how often do tag team specialists win Singles Tournaments? Oh yeah, that's right...FUCKING NEVER!
L: We were the 2 seed.
DM: WHO CARES? My GOD you've got a TITLE shot this week. I thought that was the whole focus of your existence.
L: What's up your butt?
DM: *Stands and goes nose to mask with Lucios* What's up MY butt? I lost a WORLD TITLE MATCH! That's what.
P: But Davin, that was like your 3rd match of the night, you did pretty good considering...
DM: Considering what? Considering that I was tired? That I had a little fucking boo boo?
P: You were still bleeding from your last match.
DM: That doesn't matter. Not only did I lose, I was humiliated. I barely got any moves in. Now who knows if I'll ever get another one.
P: Stank's a good champ.
DM: OF COURSE he's a good Champ. Of Course he's amazing. I mean, God, he sells t-shirts and makes a LOT of $$$$ for the OOWF! THAT'S WHY he's at the top of the card! THAT'S why he has the belt. Also, grape jelly.
P: Wha?
DM: Never mind. And as far as you *turns back to Lucios*, I suggest you step the fuck off.
L: I suggest YOU step the f off or YOU'RE gonna be eating cement in a minute.
DM: Don't threaten me, big man; I've got NO trouble dropping you.
P: That's true, he's done it to me before.
L: I would LOVE for you to try; in fact, I'm BEGGING for it.
*Davin stares for a second, starts to turn away, and then SETS UP LUCIOS FOR A REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER*
P: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*Phantos runs in between the two and the little flippy guy manages to break up the two behemoths*
P: Davin, go somewhere.
DM: Fuck You.
P: GO! SOMEWHERE!
DM: Why should I FUCKING leave? I fucking built all this!
L: Like Heck you DID!
P: ENOUGH! DAVIN, OUT!
*Davin acquiesces and goes to walk away, but not without a facewash on Lucios, who is incensed, and has to be restrained. Davin leaves*
DM: *out in the hallway* FUCK! *he passes a monitor and sees this...*
DM: Fuck you The Dead. You're fucking mine. I may not leave the match a winner, but you sure as hell won't. How about I just come to the ring with a fucking chair? Would ya like that? That way you can win by DQ and I can beat the ever-living shit out of you, you FUCK. You want to hang out with Moose? Yeah, that scores you points in the locker room;. Just know; no matter what I'm dealing with right now; I will be 100% FOCUSED on kicking your sorry Rock-Wannabe ass. No fucking problem. It will be my pleasure. You want the win that bad? Cause I sure as hell don't need it; I just wanna break bones. I went through HELL this week, and I ended up on the losing end, and when I lose, I get very fucking surly. Guess who gets to face Surly Davin next? *Checks the Lineup* Oh LOOK! It's The DEAD! Oh Goody! Gosh, he's the one that does the...Oh yeah he's beaten...ummm....Oh Yeah...YOU AIN'T DONE A GOD DAMNED THING IN THIS BUSINESS THE DEAD! And you have the ballsac to call me out; well congratulations. That's the attitude you need to have; but unfortunately, your ATTITUDE doesn't mean SHIT when I am bashing your face off a ring post, no does it? *I* better be prepared? *I* BETTER BE PREPARED??? You have NO god damned idea the HELL that will be UNLEASHED on you Wednesday on Mayhem.
*Davin walks away*
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:14:47 GMT -5
As Davin leaves, a Randomly Numbered Sexy Female Journalist slips in the Run DLP Aquafina Locker Room behind him. She approaches the uncrowned Champions mid-conversation
Phantos…….. You promised we’d fly up to Cummaquid later on!
Lucios: We will…. Wait, aren’t you the SFJ that Phantos paid to flash Flair last summer?
Phantos: I think so!
RNSFJ: Hi guys, can I bother you for a few moments?
Phantos: Can I tell you I love that blouse?
RNSFJ: (blushing) Thanks. You both went down to qualifiers in the Invitational. Lucios, Seraph had to hold the ropes to pin you, and Phantos lost by countout. Any concerns that the bad luck will run over into you Title match tonight?
Lucios: Last week was an anomaly. If either of us really cared about singles matches, I might be upset and raising Hell with the boss. But as far as I’m concerned, losing last week means we can get right back to business as usual tonight.
Phantos: And that means Defenstrators, your time as champions comes to an end tonight.
RNSFJ: Any concerns about facing a team that is clearly polar opposites from the team you faced for the last 5 weeks?
Lucios: We’ve wrestled and beaten Defenstrators before. The last time we faced them, we won. Nothing I have seen from them makes me think the outcome will be any different. Like I said before, they can get lucky once, maybe even twice. But Five matches in a row against us? There’s no way they survive that with those Championships.
RNSFJ: No concerns about having failed to capture those titles so far, despite numerous chances at them.
Lucios: Look sweetheart, this week marks 7 months that we’ve been in the OOWF. 7 short months. When we came to this company, we told you that we were the standard that tag teams would be judged by. We told you that We were the measuring stick. Let me ask you a question
RNSFJ: Umm…. Ok
Lucios: Which tag team has the most victories in the past 7 months?
RNSFJ: I don’t know…
Phantos: Its US honey. We have more wins than any other team in the federation since the day we arrived.
Lucios: And the losses? Well, you can count the clean pinfall losses on ONE HAND and have fingers left over. The only thing we haven’t done yet is win the World Tag Team Championships.
Phantos: And sweetie, you know that’s gonna be happening REAL soon.
Lucios: So Ecosystem, Voltage, I hope you bring you’re ‘A’ game this week. You’re going to need it.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:15:18 GMT -5
<Eric O'Mac is walking down the hall of the arena muttering to himself>
EOM: Stupid Darling, this is some crap. He gets all pissy and I have to share a locker room with SYB. God he is annoying, I think he LIKED what Beast did, what a freak......
<Eric rounds the corner and sees a bloody and beaten SYB leaning against the wall, out cold, opposite the door to the locker room>
EOM: What the?
<Eric walks in and shuts the door behind him and tries to click on the lights, but he gets nothing>
EOM: Stupid ass cheap bastard Rick! I guess I have to buy lightbulbs too!
<Just then we hear a click and a single light bulb clicks on, and we see Moosehead Jack sitting in a chair, Eric immediately gets ready for a fight>
MHJ: Calm down Eric, if I wanted to attack you, you would have never seen it coming
EOM: Obviously. You took the light bulbs?
MHJ: <a long pause> Eric we go back a long way, we were both here when the OOWF got started. Its been a long road
EOM: Yeah, it has
MHJ: So, what happened? Whats with this whole E thing anyway? What happened to the ass kicking Eric O'Mac?
EOM: He's still there, you are going to see that this week
MHJ:<chuckling> I better, otherwise you are in big trouble. Seriously, whats up?
EOM: Moose, tell me this, how many guys on this roster are ass kickers? I know I can throw down with the best of them, but that's not who I am. Its all about the entertainment. I came back here to save the OOWF from itself. You know, there is a reason ECW failed. Too much of a good thing is not good business. I came here to save the OOWF from itself, and you think anyone appreciates that? Hell no. I get ridiculed from some of the boys in the back, I got management not giving me an ounce of support. I am the best SPORTS ENTERTAINER on the planet today, and whether anyone likes it or not, I WILL be on top
MHJ: You know Eric, I believe you. And while this doesn't change a thing about our match this week, I do believe there is someone you should talk to.
<in the darkness we hear a match strike and the camera pans over and we see LJ Bennett lighting a cigar. He steps into the light behind Moose>
LJB: Eric
<The camera pans back to Eric who looks deep in though, then we fade to black>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:16:51 GMT -5
Firechild is washing MacCappington's limousine as SFJ#69 sidles up to him, ninja cameraman in tow.
SFJ#69- Firechild, that was a good showing in your first round match of the OOWF invitational...
FC (out of breath) - thanks...
SFJ#69 - but Ax certainly pushed you all the way. After the way the 3 Piece Set split up, some were surprised to see the respect and cameraderie you showed each other.
Firechild drops the songe he is using, and turns to address the intrepid reporter.
FC- At the end of the day, after all me & Ax went through, we respected each other, as competiotors and as men, which I have come to realise, especially in my dealings with the likes of MacCappington is a rare and special thing.
SFJ#69- Ok, but it certainly seems that you are enjoying being a singles wrestler again...
FC- Of course, tagging with a prick like MacCappington makes my skin crawl, and once I win the tournamentm, I'll go on to wreak a little belated revenge on Stank fior what he did to Concrete, and take his OOWF title.
SFJ#69- Thats some string language for someone who is currently OWNED by another man, and who has to go through a former champion like Canadian Drag...
FC- Look, I know how this thing with MacCappington looks, but I'll be out of it eventually - and I've danced with Dragon before, and I'm sure the best man will win.
MacCappington and Lance walk up and Lance runs a gloved finger under the wheelrim of the limo.
Lance: Still dirty, m'lord.
MacCappington: So Christopher, you dally with this witless tart while you should be attending to your duties, this will not suffice.
Firechild braces himself for a reprimand, but MacCappington just laughs and walks away with Lance. After they have walked a few paces, MacCappington turns and says..
FFM3- I say, don't you think the stables need mucking out?
Lance - Quite m'lord.
FFM3- So get to it Christopher, and make sure and do it by hand, those of us with class do not hold with modern time-saving gadgetry.
Firechild looks about to speak, then his shoulders slump and he mumbles weakly.
FC- Yes, m'lord.
FFM3- Good good. You see, you little slut, I've broken him, he is mine by fear and by obligation, but even more I have taken his will to fight me and crushed it under my boot. Let this be a lesson never to cast your gage in the face of your betters!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:17:11 GMT -5
McCappington struts off happy with his deed of sending Firechild to clean the stables. His smaile fades a bit when he sees "The Main Event" Chris Cole.
FFM3: Ah, Christopher Cole. How are you this day? I hope you are ready for our bout next week.
CC: Who are you and what the fuck did you do with Capslock?
FFM3: I am F. Fonzworth McCap-
CC: Whatever, Lock I'm here to talk straight with you. I am very impressed that you have emerged from your great tag team and are now persueing a singles career and persona. But you are going about it wrong.
FFM3: The way I see it I have more slaves then you so I must be doing something right.
CC: Firechild is being held back by you.
FFM3: Christopher knew the stakes before accepting the bargain.
CC: He has paid his dues.
FFM3: This is non of your concern. In fact, the way I remember it you've done more harm to him then I ever have.
CC: a pained look crosses his face. Enough about Firechild then. Your day will come on that matter. As far as our "bout" next week. I'm not just going to beat you Caps, I'm going to hurt you. We've been through some wars before in the past but it will be nothing compared to what you see next week. I'm damn sure not going to let some scumbag like you get any farther in this tournament.
Cole leaves. MacCappington straightens his suit holds his head up high and walks off.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:20:28 GMT -5
(Drink and Destroy are relaxing in the Destroyitarium...)
Spin: Man, Stank... how long has it been since you've had a week off?
Stank: You know... I can't remember. Lord knows I've needed one.
OBJ: True that, mate. Oh, and D.H.? That was a great win against Thim. He's nastier than a bottle of Vegemite that's been left outside for a week.
DHM: Thanks, Jack. He didn't want to go down too easy, but I ain't gonna, either. So whaddaya think about this Wrath guy that I've got in the tourney?
Spin: To tell you the truth, he reminds me a bit of me when I first joined. Full of anger, an unending desire to cause pain to anyone and anything that gets in his way, the fire of competition burning in his veins...
OBJ: Isn't that basically still you?
Spin: Yeah, so?
OBJ: Just sayin'.
(As the group drinks, the camera shifts to a corner booth, where Wally B. King and Paul Roma are talking.)
WBK: With the new attitude of the Heels, people won't be NEARLY as tempted to visit Ric Flair's sandwich stand. This could be the chance for your Pretty Glorious Wrap business to get a bigger foothold in the market!
Roma: Hmm. Could we franchise it out?
WBK: Easily, my boy. Now, the first thing about franchising is...
(The camera pans back to the bar.)
Spin: 'CAUSE THURSDAY'S YOUR NIGHT IN THE BARREL!
(They all laugh. Outback Jack belches loudly.)
OBJ: That's Australian for "An oldie but a goodie."
Stank: So, you've got Firewoman this week, Spin.
Spin: That I do. (He takes a long drink.)
DH: An' what're you thinkin'?
Spin: Generally, I'm not gonna be the guy who attacks a woman.
DH: But?
Spin: I've seen some of the shit that she's done in Japan. I've seen some of the shit that she's done HERE. I'm not gonna to underestimate her, and I'm sure as hell not gonna work at anything but full speed, which is something that she's got in droves. The last time I took on one of our newer competitors, I was surprised at their resilience.
DH: You're damn right. (He grins, and they both take another drink of their beers.)
Spin: As fast as she is, though... I'm not gonna settle for anything but a clear win, no matter what it takes. No matter how fast you are... if I put you through a table... you're not gonna get up. If I brain you with a crowbar... you're not gonna get up. And if you get hit with Spinal Justice... you're DEFINITELY not gonna get up.
DH: Because you're Spin Freakin' Hansen and there's not a damn thing they can do about it?
Spin: Fuckin' A.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:25:53 GMT -5
(Drink and Destroy are relaxing in the Destroyitarium...)
Spin: Man, Stank... how long has it been since you've had a week off?
Stank: You know... I can't remember. Lord knows I've needed one.
OBJ: True that, mate. Oh, and D.H.? That was a great win against Thim. He's nastier than a bottle of Vegemite that's been left outside for a week.
DHM: Thanks, Jack. He didn't want to go down too easy, but I ain't gonna, either. So whaddaya think about this Wrath guy that I've got in the tourney?
Spin: To tell you the truth, he reminds me a bit of me when I first joined. Full of anger, an unending desire to cause pain to anyone and anything that gets in his way, the fire of competition burning in his veins...
OBJ: Isn't that basically still you?
Spin: Yeah, so?
OBJ: Just sayin'.
(As the group drinks, the camera shifts to a corner booth, where Wally B. King and Paul Roma are talking.)
WBK: With the new attitude of the Heels, people won't be NEARLY as tempted to visit Ric Flair's sandwich stand. This could be the chance for your Pretty Glorious Wrap business to get a bigger foothold in the market!
Roma: Hmm. Could we franchise it out?
WBK: Easily, my boy. Now, the first thing about franchising is...
(The camera pans back to the bar.)
Spin: 'CAUSE THURSDAY'S YOUR NIGHT IN THE BARREL!
(They all laugh. Outback Jack belches loudly.)
OBJ: That's Australian for "An oldie but a goodie."
Stank: So, you've got Firewoman this week, Spin.
Spin: That I do. (He takes a long drink.)
DH: An' what're you thinkin'?
Spin: Generally, I'm not gonna be the guy who attacks a woman.
DH: But?
Spin: I've seen some of the shit that she's done in Japan. I've seen some of the shit that she's done HERE. I'm not gonna to underestimate her, and I'm sure as hell not gonna work at anything but full speed, which is something that she's got in droves. The last time I took on one of our newer competitors, I was surprised at their resilience.
DH: You're damn right. (He grins, and they both take another drink of their beers.)
Spin: As fast as she is, though... I'm not gonna settle for anything but a clear win, no matter what it takes. No matter how fast you are... if I put you through a table... you're not gonna get up. If I brain you with a crowbar... you're not gonna get up. And if you get hit with Spinal Justice... you're DEFINITELY not gonna get up.
DH: Because you're Spin Freakin' Hansen and there's not a damn thing they can do about it?
Spin: Fuckin' A.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:37:54 GMT -5
[The Dead is sitting in his locker room watching a small television. He is staring intently at the screen.]
Dead: From now on this is how it's going to be.
[We can't quite see the TV, but we can hear the announcer.]
[The Dead turns off the TV. He stares directly into the camera.]
Dead: The Dead has played games long enough here in the OOWF. The Dead toyed around with the Degrassi boys for a while before destroying them in the ring. From now on there will be no more games. From now on there will only be pain. There will only be suffering.
Dead: That sniveling little shit Eric did get one thing right. There are no moral victories. Only destruction. Only torment. Only annihilation.
Dead: Davin, The Dead knows you're afraid to put your title on the line. Hell, you choked in your last title match. The Dead doesn't blame you for being scared. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that by the time The Dead is through with you next week, you will wish you were DEAD.
[The Dead stares a hole into the camera as it fades to black.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:38:18 GMT -5
::Ryan Hardcore and Lauren Phoenix walking backstage, hand-in-hand, and are approached by SFJ#69::
SFJ#69: Ryan, now that you're out of the Invitational, you've got a one-on-one match with Rabbxt this week. How are you approaching that?
Ryan Hardcore: You know, it is disappointing that I got knocked out in the first round, but that doesn't matter. This week, my comeback starts.
Lauren Phoenix: Ry, I think you actually have to have been somewhere first to make a comeback.
RH: Fuck you.
LP: Just sayin'...
SFJ#69: Anyways... Rabbxt is master of the flippy style-- how are you approaching your match with him?
RH: Lemme just say, people might say he's the master, but I think I could out flip that guy any time.
SFJ#69: Well, no offense, but that's a pretty wild thing to say.
RH: Hey, I can do back flips too. I can do front flips. I one did a 450 from a desk onto the bed and landed perfectly into L's awaiting snatch.
SFJ#69: Umm... I think it's going to take a little more flip experience than that.
RH: I was cut off on the freeway yesterday, and you know what? I flipped the guy off. I do flip tricks on my Flip Skateboard. My godfather is Flip Wilson. I once took a class on flip-book animation. My favorite show on TLC is Flip That House.
SFJ#69: Yeah, I don't really think that--
RH: I listen to Lil' Flip. The only kind of cell phone I'll use is a flip phone. During the summer, I wear flip-flops.
SFJ#69: But Rabb--
RH: Me and L had a threesome last night. And the other girl? Filipino.
SFJ#69: I'm leaving now.
RH: Catch you on the flip side, sweetie.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:38:39 GMT -5
*The camera fades from black to a dimly lit room. In it is a safe. The camera pans back to show Sexy Female Journalist 88 enter the room.*
SFJ # 88: "Hello? Is anybody here? I was told to come ere to interview a former champ?"
*As she stumbles across the room, she notices the safe.*
SFJ # 88: "Awe come on! Dragon held the title for what, three days? I thought I was interviewing somebody important!"
*Just then the safe explodes filling the room with shreds of paper. The shocked Sexy Female Journalist picks up one of the papers and runs out of the room as the camera fades to black.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:39:02 GMT -5
F. Fonzworth MacCappington III returns to where Chris Cole is talking with Firechild.
FFM- Alright, I'm back. I had to prepare something.
CC- Really? Or did you have to think of a comeback.
FFM- Quite the contrary. I had to get something from the vault and draw something up. You seemed quite confident in your ability to beat me next week and I was wondering if you'd care to place a little wager on it.
CC- Wager? What's the wager?
FFM- MacJeeves?
Lance- Yes, sir.
Lance produces the indentured servitude contract Firechild signed.
FFM- You win, its yours. You can keep it, destroy it, make Christopher wash your balls every morning, whatever you want. i don't care. You can own him or grant him freedom. Whichever you wish.
CC- What's the catch?
FFM- MacJeeves?
Lance pulls out a second identical contract with Chris Cole's name on it.
FFM- I win, you sign this. And any interference by the other members of LOADED will forfeit the wager to you. Any interference on your behalf forfeits it to me. Just you and me, strait wrestling, one on one. What do you say?
FC- You don't have to put that on the line...
FFM- Silence! Get back to the Fortress Of Snobbery before I make you kick your own ass again! This is not your decision to make!
Firechild gives Chris Cole a look before heading off
FFM- Its your decision, Cole. I await your response. I'm sure you'll want time to think about it. Your freedom or your friend? Gotta be a tough one. Let me know though, champ.
Chris Cole gives a perplexed look as we fade to commercial.
A teenager looks concerned at his own face in the mirror
Voiceover Guy- Acne gotcha down?
Teen- Yeah! No girl's gonna wanna date me with these awful things on my face!
VG- Well, worry not, young lad! Its ZITLER! It rounds up pimples and gasses them all into submission! Its the most antizitetic product on the market! Washes out the pours and declared third reich on your greasy t-zone!
ZITLER!
The Final Solution For Facial Acne
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:39:24 GMT -5
Stank - By the Way Jack, awesome effort on your part against Moreland. I felt kind of bad about beating the man after the ass whoopin you gave him.
OBJ - Well he's a tough son of a bitch, that one. I understand now how he's been able to hold onto the Onslaught Championship for so long.
Stank - And you DH... Man alive a wi-.. .. .zzzbbbtzzzt COMING SOON
Stank - HEY! What the fuck was that?!?
OBJ - Apparently, Kid Rock is coming to the OOWF.
Stank - Well I don't give a rat's a- BZZZTTTZZZ BZZPPT
COMING SOON
Stank - HE interrupted our promo AGAIN?
DHM - Who does he think he is, Jericho?
OBJ - Or maybe it's a wrestler who goes by the name Bawitdaba.
Stank - ...
Spin - ...
DHM - ...
OBJ - ... You know... Sounds like a Samoan name to m- BZZZZBTT BBPPPTZZTT
COMING SOON
Spin - DA BANG A DANG DIGGYDIGGY DIGGY SAID THE BOOGY SAID UP JUMPS... the...boogy?
Stank - ...
OBJ - ...
DHM - ...
Spin - What? It's catchy.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:39:55 GMT -5
Camera fades in - we see darkened hotel room, with Seamus asleep
Voice in the dark: "Seamus, wake up..."
Seamus: "Huh, what, who's there?"
Voice: "Seamus we need to talk"
Seamus: "Moose, damn man turn on a fucking light, once in awhile."
Voice: "It's not Moose it's worse"
Seamus: " Firewoman?"
Voice: "No Seamus...I'm the ghost of wrestling past. Turn on the light Seamus we need to talk"
Seamus: Oh God you look like...."
Voice: "Yes I've taken the appearance of Gordon Solie"
Seamus: " If you were trying to be scary it should have come to me as Don West"
Gordon: "Or Sean Waltman"
Seamus: "now your scaring me"
Gordon: "you need to fix wrestling"
Seamus" I need to fix me a drink"
Gordon" Wrestling has lost it's way, you need to save it"
Seamus: " I think that was Jericho's job but now he's jobbing to JBL"
Gordon: " We care more about buyrates than workrates, we have forgotton all about ring psychology...we have reduced ourselves down to six moves per wrestlers and epic 5 minute matches..."
Seamus: "What can I do? They would bury me"
Gordon" You have to try...we are trampling on those who gave thier blood, sweat and tears, of all those who came before...Jack and Jerry, Gene and Ole, JYD, Benoit..."
Seamus: "Oh hey we don't talk about him...we erased everything, royal rumble, title history everything..."
Gordon: "Bullshit he was a good wrestler...he was as much of a victim of this lifestyle as Bigalow, Davy, Eddie, Hawk and so many more...Seamus don't make thier lives meaningless..."
Phone rings waking Seamus up
Seamus :"Hello..."
Damon: " It's Damon"
Seamus: " yeah.."
Damon: Hey I'm back, Brock says hi..."
Seamus: " what?"
Damon" You ok...you sound weird?"
Seamus: "Yea, I just had the weirdest fucking dream?"
Damon: "Weirder than that time you had with Firewoman, the three midgets and the rubber chicken..."
Seamus: "I told you never to speak of that night again!"
Damon: "Sorry but I still have video if you want reminded"
Seamus: "Fuck you, it must have been the catering"
Damon: "I'm in the bar."
Seamus: "I be right down, so long from the peach state..."
Damon: "what?"
Seamus:"nothing, order me a half and half.."
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:40:17 GMT -5
WBK - Turn right here.
Stank - I don't understand why Russ couldn't just meet me at the Destroyitarium.
<Stank and Wally B K are DRIVING~! to a Holiday Inn to meet up with Jim Russ for an interview.>
WBK - The Destroyitarium is too noisy and crowded. I thought you lot were supposed to clear everyone out before you take over a bar?
Stank - And I thought I explained to you how you are NOT my manager.
WBK - Oh C'MON now. You're mad I set up this interview for you?
Stank - ... ... no.
WBK - Really?
Stank - No, I'm not mad.
WBK - Good because... turn left at the next intersection... because I got other ideas I'd like to run by you for Drink & Destroy.
Stank - Wally?
WBK - Now come on, here me out.
Stank - *Sigh*
WBK - Great. Now. I was thinking we could use, you know, a cruiserweight in our faction.
Stank - What? We don't classify people as cruiserweights in the OOWF.
WBK - Well combatant, whatever, point is we could make our faction of hosses a little more well rounded with a lighter guy.
Stank - *sigh* What's wrong with big guys?
WBK - What's WRONG with smaller men?
Stank - *Sigh* Nothing I suppose.
WBK - Alroight, Al Gore, so what do you think?
Stank - Al Gore?
WBK - Yeah, why you gotta sigh at everything I say? Like you are superior to me or something?
Stank - I am superior to you.
WBK - That hurts, mate. That really hurts.
Stank - *Sigh*
WBK - ...
Stank - ...
WBK - ...
Stank - So are you gonna just sit there and sulk, or are you going to finish your pitch?
WBK - Ah forget it.
Stank - Christ. FINE. I'm sorry.
WBK - I don't believe you.
Stank - I'M SORRY, OK?
WBK - Am I supposed to believe you because you said it louder?
Stank - You know what, Wally? I will fucking-
WBK - Okay! Okay! I accept! I accept.
Stank - Thank you.
WBK - Go to the next light and turn right... Okay so you wanna know who I was thinking of?
Stank - *Sigh*
WBK - Back to THAT, are we?
Stank - No, I was just... WHO Wally? Who were you thinking of?
WBK - The Nerves Agent.
Stank - ...Who?
WBK - You know, TNA. The Nerves Agent. Someone who can do all that flippy shite.
Stank - No.
WBK - Why not?
Stank - I... just no.
WBK - Okay, how about his partner in crime Blitz?
Stank - NO!
WBK - C'mon, mate!
Stank - Wally why would we want a flippy type in our faction?
WBK - How about Phantos?
Stank - NO!
WBK - Capellan?
Stank - Wha... HELL NO!
WBK - Eah, he wouldn't want to be a part of our faction anyway.
Stank - Wally this is a nice hypothetical and all but-
WBK - What about Rabbxt?
Stank - I'm surprise you can even pronounce his name.
WBK - So...?
Stank - So what?
WBK - Rabbxt.
Stank - No.
WBK - Oh you're no fun.
Stank - ... I don't think we need any additional members Wally.
WBK - ... fine.
<Stank and Wally continue driving in silence for a few minutes.>
WBK - You know, speaking of rabbits, here's a funny story.
Stank - *Sigh*
WBK - Now you're rolling your eyes!
Stank - JUST TELL THE STORY, DAMMIT!
WBK - Okay, so I got a niece here in the States. Lovely girl, she's got a rabbit farm where she raises rabbits.
Stank - She raises rabbits on a rabbit farm. You'd think she'd be raising antelope on a rabbit farm.
WBK - Why would you think THAT? It's a RABBIT farm.
Stank - I know. I was being facetious.
WBK - What's that mean? You got a big face? You being face like? What's that mean?
<Stank stares at Wally condescendingly>
Stank - Just TELL the story, moron.
WBK - Anyway, my niece raises rabbits to be used as pets, food or fur... turn left here... no HERE...! AAAH you missed the turn, mate.
Stank - There was a fucking truck in the way. I'll have to go down another block and head back around.
WBK - Just make a U-Turn.
Stank - No fucking way. Not with those cops over there.
WBK - Oh shit. Fine.
Stank - Finish your story.
WBK - Where was I?
Stank - Pets. Food. Fur.
WBK - Oh yeah, so anyway she keeps them locked up in cages, you know, the rabbits.
Stank - No I thought you meant the antelope.
WBK - Why do you keep mentioning antelope?
Stank - Sorry. Just amusing myself. Please continue.
WBK - The antel- NOW you got ME saying it! The RABBITS, you know, rabbits breed like mad.
Stank - Yes I'm aware of that.
WBK - Well my niece's cages are pretty small. So... rabbits get crammed in there. That can drive ANY animal crazy.
Stank - I imagine so.
WBK - No, you don't understand. These rabbits, sometimes they go so insane they...
Stank - What?
WBK - They castrate themselves.
Stank - WHAT!
WBK - They chew their balls off, mate.
Stank - WHAT!?!
WBK - HA! HA! HA!
Stank - WHY THE FUCK would you TELL ME a FUCKED UP STORY like THAT?!?!
WBK - To pass the time, mate. My niece was in that movie... uh what was it called... "Roger and Me".
Stank - That's the most FUCKED UP APESHIT INSANE SHIT I've EVER fucking heard! You are a FULL of it!
WBK - No bullshit, mate. I've seen it. She really was featured in that movie. I think it was a documentary.
Stank - No, I MEANT the RABBITS you CRAZY old FUCK! WHY the FUCK would they DO that shit?
WBK - Crowd control, of course.
<Stank stares at Wally incredulous. Unfortunately, since he's driving, that means his eyes are not on the road. They CRASH right into a HUGE hole in the road, dug there by a road crew repairing a busted water main. Stank and Wally look up from deployed airbags checking themselves for injuries.>
Stank - Good thing I got Geico auto insurance, where fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more.
WBK - Oh look. There's the hotel. We're here, mate. NICE parking spot.
Stank - *Sigh*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:40:45 GMT -5
*Outside the door to the DESTROYITARIUM*
SFJ42: D.H., I was wondering if I get a word with Spi-
D.H. MAGNUSSON: Shannon, you do NOT want to go in there. It ain't pretty.
SFJ42: What? Why? What's going on?
DHM: Look, just trust me on this one. Stay outta there.
SFJ42: But I what happening?
DHM: *sigh*
Magnusson cracks open the door
Spin Hansen: All my homies in the county in cell block six The grits when there ain't enough eggs to cook And for DB Cooper and money he took -
SFJ42: Oh.
DHM (shutting the door) : Happy now?
SJF42: Well, how about you? You're facing newcomer Damon Wrath tonight, both of you coming off of strong wins in the first round. What are your thoughts going it tonight?
DHM: Wrath looked strong out there last week. He's new, and he's probably lookin' t'prove something out there tonight. Shame he's gonna try to do it against me.
SJF42: Meaning?
DHM: Meanin' that every time I step in that ring, I'm lookin' t'prove somethin' myself. I ain't no stepping stone, Shannon. It ain't been too long since I first walked in those doors...And got tested by Moreland, by Phantos and Lucios - hell, by my own tag team partner. I'm still standin'.
Wrath, you gotta make a name for yourself. I can get behind that. You gotta make your mark. I can dig that, too. But thinkin' you can do it by walkin' over me? Brotha, you got another thing comin'. Bring what you got kid, and don't take it personal when I send ya packin'.
You got your soundbyte, Shannon. Get out. I got a job to do.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:41:09 GMT -5
(D.H. Magnusson walks into the Destroyitarium with a look of determination on his face.)
Outback Jack: D.H., you've got to help us. He's been like that for an hour.
Bartender: Yeah, he's driving customers away!
D.H.: Hey, barkeep, what level of security system do you have?
Bartender: Level Four, just like all of us. It's part of the Destroyitarium Code.
OBJ: Destroyitarum code? I don't know what you've been drinkin' mate, but I'll have two.
Spin: what,what,what,what,what, what,what,what,what,what
Bartender: I can't believe that no one told you about the Destroyitarium Code. It all started in the 1800s....
*The screen does the wavy flashback thing. An old west saloon comes into view-- tables and chairs are broken everywhere and several prone bodies come into view. One looks strikingly like Tommy O'Neil (with the addition of a bowler hat and a curved moustache) and the other looks like Harper Camby (wearing a ten-gallon hat, suspenders, and a filthy work shirt)...*
Old-Timey Bartender: Festus Capslock, I swear... every time you come to town, I end up having to purchase new tables for my saloon! That Irishman DARED to threaten me... at least I assume he did.
Harold Lucas Mann: Ah must apologize for this. We were not expecting this place to be attacked here by the Impish Platoon!
Festus Capslock: I'm just glad we got here in time to stop things from getting worse.
Old-Timey Bartender: That doesn't fix my tables. And that doesn't make me feel any better.
Harold Lucas Mann: Isn't there some local rowdy that you can hire to stand at the door and turn away undesirables?
Old-Timey Bartender: I've got one of them. Big Norse guy in the corner, Sven Hansen. But he just gets drunk and sings songs that he's heard the chorus girls sing!
Sven Hansen (in a bad Danish accent):
Oh, Susanna, doon't you cry fur me Fur I cooome froom Alabaaama, Weev my banjooo ooon my knee... OOOOH SUSANNA, OH DOOOON'T YOU CRY FUR ME...
(The bartender throws an empty bottle at Sven, knocking him unconscious.)
Festus Capslock: How about this... we cut you a deal. We'll agree to compensate you for use of your saloon, we'll TRY to do as little damage to it as we can, and we'll help clean up. But you've got to provide us with as many drinks as we want while we're in town and a room to clean up in.
Al Swearengen: COCKSUCKER! COCKSUCKER! COCKSUCKER!
Old-Timey Bartender: Just ignore that fellow. And what of people attacking me when you're not present?
Henry Lucas Mann: Keep a piece of cordwood under the bar. If they give you problems, hit them in the skull. In fact, if you want, we'll gladly use the cordwood for you.
Old-Timey Bartender: That sounds like a fine deal.
(Henry Lucas Mann and Festus Capslock shake the bartender's hand, as the scene fades).
Bartender: And that's how the Destroyitarium Code started. Eventually, Henry Lucas Mann wrote it down and formalized it, and it became a common agreement throughout the years. Anyway, here's your bat, Magnusson.
(D.H. catches the bat from the air and cracks Spin over the head with it. Spin collapses.)
D.H. Trust me, Spin... it was for your own good.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:41:34 GMT -5
Lucios approaches the office of General Manager the Rick, when he is appraoched by another Randomly Numbered Sexy Female Journalist.
RNSFJ: Lucios, Your opponents this week have been strangely silent, any opinions on why?
Lucios: The cloud of inevitability has surrounded them. The realization that the sand in the hourglass of their reign as champions have nearly run dry. Good enough sound bites for you?
RNSFJ: So you're predicting a victory this week?
Lucios: Listen miss, it's just a matter of time. Whether its this week or next, Team Aquafina will NOT be denied.
(Lucios walks into Rick's office, finding him sifting through a huge pile of paperwork.)
GMtR: Damn Bennet, all this extra work every single show! (looking up @ his visitor) What do YOU want NOW?
Lucios: Rick, I want you to sign Adrenaline and Capps.
GMtR: I can't do that, do you realize that Bennet has us on a BUDGET now? I have to justify EVERY EXPENSE?
Lucios: Sign them. Phantos and I are ready to back you when this issue with Moose comes to a head.
GMtR: Those two are going to ask for some outrageous terms. They'll leverage the belts against me.
Lucios: Work on it. The Heels versus Team Aquafina will put some butts in seats. And don't worry about those old straps they have posession of. I've already got one of our sponsors lined up to provide the OOWF with new ones once we capture the Championships. We win, their leverage is minimalized.
GMtR: That's not up to me
Lucios: Oh but it is. I know that at some point, the LOADED bunch is bound to get involved. WHen I ask for bannishments and stipulations later on, Honor My Requests.
GMtR: I don't think Bennet will sign off on those.
Lucios: He's not my problem. We have Defenstrators to overcome, you get Bennet to pony up and sign The Heels. And you can add two more names to your side once everything comes to a head. Moose already had Dead & Mcnasty, LD is bound to side with him, you need more than Cole and Davin.
GMtR: I'll work on it.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:42:10 GMT -5
*An Unwashed and Unshaven Davin Moreland looks, well, Zombie-Like, walking the halls of the arena. His Ty Law Patriots Jersey is torn, and looks like it was set on fire briefly at the bottom. Tony Schiovane walks up with a microphone*
TS: Davin, that was the MOST DEVASTATING LOSS IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE! WHAT ARE YOUR...
*Davin pulls a piece of rebar from hiw waistband and whacks Schiovane wickedly once in the temple. He falls*
DM: Not the most devestating.
*He keeps walking, until he finds the Dead Drunk locker room. He knocks. A Voice inside answers.*
AV: Who is it?
DM: *disguising his voice* Kate Mara. Is The Dead there?
*The Dead opens the door with a huge smile on his face, which quickly dissipates when he sees the obviously pissed off Moreland*
DM: I'm not Kate Mara, asshole.
*Davin throws two shots with the rebar on The Dead's knees, forcing him to the floor. 3 more shots to the head and a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER later, and The Dead is down.*
DM: Talk shit now asshole. Do it.
*He stands over The Dead for a second waiting for him to get up, and then leaves. When he opens the door, he finds...*
AD: BOOYAH, BITCH!
DM: There is nothing you can do that hasn't already been done to me. Here. I'll break my own nose for you.
*Davin smashes himself in his nose twice with the rebar. He breaks it, and it's bleeding profusely*
DM: What else do you want? Shot to the face? Shots at the knees? My physical body will heal. My emotional psyche has been scarred and burned forever; and there's nothing you did to affect it; and there is nothing you can do to change it, or make it hurt any worse than it already does.
*Darling stares with a combination of shock and amazement. Moreland turns and takes a few steps away. Darling considers letting Davin go, but...*
AD: Fuck, I'm a heel, what else can I do?
*Darling smashes a barbed wire baseball bat about Davin's head and shoulders, shots to the legs and knees, and levels Moreland until he's nothing more than a bloody pulp on the floor.*
AD: *quietly* Booyah, bitch.
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 29, 2008 10:42:32 GMT -5
** L.D. Williams approaches the DEA locker room. Surprisingly, he knocks before entering. Rabbxt opens the door, and he and Firewoman drop into defensive stances as Williams enters.**
LD: “Chill. I’m not here for a fight.” (He looks at Firewoman for a moment) “Nice match with Niles. Always good to see him get his ass kicked.” FW: “Thanks.”
R: “Did you see my match with Capellan?”
LD: “Yep…There are probably easier ways to commit suicide.”
**Alexander Darling enters.**
AD: “Williams. What are you doing here?”
LD: “You called me.”
AD: “No I didn’t.”
Alexis Darling: “I did. I thought we should discuss your match this week – perhaps come to an understanding.”
LD: “A bribe?”
Alexis: “Not in so many words…”
LD: “You have no idea who I am do you?”
Alexis: “What is that supposed to mean?”
**Alexander whispers in his sister’s ear. Alexis’ eyes widen and she stares at Williams.**
Alexis: “That's your mother?” (Williams nods.) Geez. No wonder everyone’s afraid of you…I thought your catchphrase sounded familiar…”
AD: “So, the standard arrangement for our match?”
LD: “May the biggest bastard win.”
AD: “Deal.”
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