OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 9-24-08

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Ironwood, Michigan

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
LD Williams vs. Davin Moreland

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Alexander Darling vs. Poe vs. DH Magnusson

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
Phantos & Lucios vs. Cape Town Cannibals

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Seamus McNasty vs. Chris Cole

OOWF Campeonas de Trios Title Match[/u]
IHOP & The Amnesiac vs. Insane Homeless Bunny

Double Jeopardy Match! Both Men Get Title Shots![/u]
Spin Hansen vs. Tyson Kincaid

Ladder Match for the Charred Tennis Racket[/u]
Attitude Adjuster vs. Firewoman

MMA Rules Match - You Can Only Win via Knockout or Tapout[/u]
Damon Wrath vs. ZK DeBeers

Taipei Death Match[/u]
Eric O'Mac vs. Outback Jack

Dead & Blitz vs. The Worlds Greatest Fag Team
Apocalyptic Existence vs. Tytan
Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG vs. Stank

Card subject to US import laws

[mooseheadjack]

We join the scene in the gorilla position immediately following the Fatal Four Way match for the Onslaught Championship. A disappointed Tyson Kincaid walks through the curtain and is met by an angry Attitude Adjuster.

AA: What the fuck happened out there? We were supposed to work as a team!

TK: And we did, until you tried to pin me. Don’t blame me for that.

AA: Fine, but I can blame you for failing to get into Fire’s head like you promised.

TK: What are you talking about?

AA: You were supposed to call her out, and once again, you backed down.

TK: I have my reasons.

AA: Bullshit. I don’t know why you seem to be so sympathetic towards Firewoman, but she doesn’t deserve your or anyone else’s compassion. She’s a lying, selfish, opportunistic bitch and you know it!

TK: Maybe she is, but maybe she has her reasons?

AA: More bullshit. Get over it, Kincaid. Have you noticed that you haven’t won a match since all this began? Deal with it and get your head back in the game.

Kincaid goes silent, realizing that AA is right. AA looks at him approvingly.

AA: I thought so. Next week, you’ve got Hansen in a Double Jeopardy match. I suggest you get your history with Firewoman out in the open before then so you can deal with Spin. Then leave Firewoman to me.

Tyson looks at Attitude Adjuster momentarily before giving a slight nod and leaving with his head down, obviously already lost in his own mind.

[mooseheadjack]

Firewoman is back in the DEA Suites by Aquafina and Starwood Hotels FUMING~!

FW: So the reason Moose and … Poe were able to get in is because we stopped packing the security system and moving it from city to city after the ceasefire? You idiots!

L: Now, that’s harsh.

FW: You know what harsh is? Harsh is getting heart-punched right before a match. It’s the most devastating move in professional wrestling, after all.

P: Well, clearly will need to reinstall that.

FW: Ya think?

AD: Can you all please keep it down? My shoulder is killing me.

FW: I’m outta here.

Firewoman makes a move for the door, but instantly she is surrounded by Phantos and Lucios. Alexander makes his way, despite the pain in his shoulder, towards her as well.

P: Where are you going?

FW: I have something to take care of.

L: One of us will go with you.

FW: No, you won’t. I have to do this on my own.

AD: That’s really not smart.

FW: Alex. [She looks at Phantos and Lucios with that look of “Back off this, is private.” So they do. She drops her voice to almost a whisper.]

FW: Alex. He touched me.

AD: What are you talking about? Moose? Yeah, he finally grew a pair and came after you directly instead of sending Eric to do it.

FW: No, not Moose.

The two share a look, as some sort of non-verbal communication gets passed back and forth. Phantos and Lucios look on, trying to figure out what is going on.

AD: Fine. Go.

P: I’ll go with—

FW: No, you won’t.

AD: This has nothing to do with Run-DEA. I'll go.

FW: You only have one functioning arm.

AD: That'd at least be one more.

P: Now, hang on...

Phantos begins arguing with Alexander about who is team captain and makes decisions, while Lucios tries to get their attention, to tell them that Firewoman has slipped out the door about five minutes ago.

Out in the hall, which she is walking through very alert and carefully, she sees Attitude Adjuster and Tyson Kincaid talking. She ducks out of sight until they go their separate ways, and then follows Attitude Adjuster, who forgot to mention he’s carrying his slightly burnt tennis racket. She sneaks up behind him and grabs it away from him. He spins around to see who it is.

AA: Hey! Give that back, you skank whore.

FW: You know, last time I grabbed this from you, there was a ceasefire in place, and all I could do was burn it. Now there is no ceasefire.

AA: So you’re going to hit me with a tennis racket?

FW: Tempting as that is, no, I’m not. I’m just taking it.

AA: Well, now I’ll have no choice but to take it back. And as you said, there is no ceasefire.

FW: Hold up there, stud.

AA: I am NO STUD. You lied about that night, you lied about--

FW: Um…yeah. You want this back? You have to come get it … in the ring.

AA: What?

FW: Yep. In the ring. Just me and you, where you can’t have any one else do your fighting for you. Me and you, and this stupid thing hanging way above.

AA: Wait…are you saying….ladders?

FW: You into it, sunshine? You want your revenge for all the world to see, with a million eyes and cameras flashing? Or just some back hallway with only the ninja cam operator to cheer you on.

Attitude Adjuster thinks for a minute.

AA: I’ll get back to you.

FW: Fine. Until then, I promise I’ll take good care of your precious.

Firewoman walks away. Attitude Adjuster takes out his cell-phone.

AA: Yeah, Johnny? There’s been a new development…

[mooseheadjack]

"The Main Event" Chris Cole is standing by with Sexy Female Journalist #12 for an exclusive interview

SFJ14: Chris, last night you lost once again to Alexander Darling and it seems that your quest for the Intercontinental Title has stalled.

CC: Last night I found out that DH & Spin are cowards. They attacked me before the show even started. And then Davin Moreland & Alexander Darling proved once again that are the biggest scumbags on the face of the earth and they attacked me again UNPROVOKED. I went into that match bruised and battered and still I was able to take out DH. But tht rat bastard Darling had to keep his title on a pussy move like a rollup. Congrats Alex, you managed to prove to nobody that you are deserving of that title you wear.

SFJ14: Well for now it seems like DEAs claims of pushing you down the card are justified. This week you do indeed move down the card as you challenge the NEW Onslaught Champion Seamus McNasty.

CC: Hold that thought sugar. I'm not done yet talking about last night. First off I'm not done with Alexander Darling, Davin Moreland, or the rest of DEA. Your time will come. Second, I'm not done with those cowards DH & Spin. Watch your backs boys. You don't jump "The Main Event" and not pay for it.

Now about this week I'm fighting for the Onslaught Title. And what exactly IS the Onslaught Title anymore? Back when 3 Piece Set member Firechild was making that title famous it was always contested under gentlemen's rules. But now I see matches that involve Tennis Raquets, Fake Pregnancies, and as much cheating as possible. Seriously, what the fuck happened to that title?

I'm going to win the Onslaught Title and restore the title to the glory and prestige it once had when it was held by greats like Firechild and my partner in Team Bennett, Eric O'Mac. Those guys were Champions. The title now is a joke. Very soon though it will be worthy of Main Event status.

[mooseheadjack]

(CTG is LOCKING~! down his locker room. SFJ #52 is in there with him)

SFJ#52: Concrete, you realize this this might be a little excessive.

CTG: With the Cease-fire over, this is more than necessary. People will be scrambling for weapons and knowing I have a stockpile makes this room a target.

SFJ#52: But if an ally needs something, would you offer it?

CTG: Absolutely! Why would I deny any-

(Someone starts POUNDING on the door)

Voice: CRETE OPEN THE $#&^ING DOOR

SFJ#52: ....anyone?

CTG: (frets, then unlocks everything and opens the door)

Stank: (standing there, fuming)

CTG: I see you're here to prepare for whomever is out to get you?

Stank: (about to swing, then smiles) yeah. Yeah I am. You got any Brass Knuckles?

CTG: Brass Knuckles? (dashes over to his weapons bin) Have I got Brass Knuckles? (tossing weapons out as he digs) Have I got Brass Knuckles? (pauses, looks at the Ninja Cameraman) Do I have Brass knuckles? (looks wayyyy down at the bottom of the bin) aha..... Brass Knuckles!!!

Stank: I knew you'd have some, Crete

CTG: (proudly hands them over) Hopefully you'll be able to counter those who attack you

Stank: (trying them on) yeah, that's my plan.

CTG: Anything else?

Stank: Yeah (Punches Crete's lights out)

SFJ#52: !!!!

Stank: Sorry, Lana, it had to be done. When he wakes up, ask him what the bounty is this week. (stomps off)

[mooseheadjack]

(Fade in on Close up on Damon Wrath)

DW “De Beers you son of a bit&*. I told you not to fu*# up and you have gone well beyond that. If you have the balls step into my world. It’s a place of pain and suffering. Skill, speed, and power. My home, where I’ve trained for many years.”

(Camera Pulls back and you see DW is standing in a cage.)

DW “This fight has no pins. You can only win if you tap out or get knocked out”

(Wrath turns to the right and punches through a cinder block)
(Wrath then raises his leg and a baseball bat is broken across his shin)
(Camera pulls back and you see Steve Blackman thrown into the cage)
(Wrath takes him to the mat and locks on the Wrath face…Blackman taps)
(Wrath lifts Blackman to the side of the cage and beats him ((Undertaker type punches and he is wearing MMA Gloves) Wrath hits LIGHTS OUT)

DW “ZK DeBeers I want to say thank you for reminding me just who the hell I am. Step into my world if you have the balls. Step up you little pus##…Its time to feel the pain”


<Fades to black>

[mooseheadjack]

<We cut to GM the Rick's office where he is on the phone with someone and talking very animatedly>

...........yes I know.......No I didn't authorize it!...........No.....................no...............I wouldn't think he did either.................look, what can we do? Half the roster would have to be suspended, we have a pay per view in just over a week..................you know what? Fuck discipline! That's right, I said it, we have money to make and we can't make that if the roster is suspended right?..................................quite honestly I don't give a fuck WHO you are...........................well you do what you have to do, I have more important things to deal with

<Rick slams the phone down and slumps into his chair, after a few seconds he looks across the room to Erlana, who is sitting in the overstuffed chair>

GMtR: Why the hell did I agree to do this job?

Erlana: Stop feeling sorry for yourself

GMtR: Thanks for the sympathy

Erlana: You know damn well you wouldn't want it any other way

GMtR: I could live without THIS much drama

Erlana: Well then you better win the War Games match at the pay per view then, shouldn't you

GMtR: Oh Christ, I forgot about that

Erlana: Yeah its only the biggest thing to happen in the OOWF in........ever, I can see how that would slip your mind

GMtR: Really? Sarcasm? Fine, I need to go talk to Eric and Stank and tell them to pick teams

Erlana: Yeah you have something else to do too

GMtR: What?

Erlana: Jesus you really DON'T pay attention do you? SYB tried to buy the DDT Iron Man Heavyweight Title from Fezzik

GMtR: What the hell is a Fezzik?

Erlana: Real big guy IHOP brought back from Iceland

GMtR: Did I ok that?

Erlana: Does it matter?

GMtR: And what do I care if SYB bought a title

Erlana: Because that is against the OOWF rules

GMtR: It is?

Erlana: OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, YES! YES it is! You can't BUY and SELL titles!

GMtR: So I do.........

Erlana: GO STRIP HIM OF THE TITLE!

<Rick gets to his feet and scurries out of the Office before Erlana yells any more. As Rick leaves we hear him muttering under his breath>

GMtR: Who the hell does she think she is? I am the GM dammit

<As Rick rounds a corner he sees Eric heading down the hall with a sledgehammer>

GMtR: ERIC!

<Eric spins around like he is about to hit Rick, but pulls up just short and laughs>

EOM: What do YOU want? The cease fire is over, I can do whatever I want with this, I can do.....

GMtR: Shut the fuck up already, I don't give a shit what you are doing, I just wanted to remind you to let me know who is going to be on your War Games team for the pay per view so I can print the flyers.

EOM: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to threaten me with suspension?

GMtR: Why would I do that?

EOM: Cause you hate me for starting the war?

GMtR: Well you ARE an assclown for that. But if I suspended everyone who was an assclown, our roster would be Phantos and Matt Daddy

<GM the Rick turns and walks away and heads down the hall. He comes across Stank walking away from Crete's locker room, rubbing the brass knuckles and smiling>

GMtR: I don't even want to know

Stank: Did YOU put the bounty on me?

GMtR: Didn't we already settle this?

Stank: Just answer my question

GMtR: No, No I did not

Stank: Fine, then why am I in a match with Moose and Crete again this week?

GMtR: You want the honest answer or the kayfabe answer?

<Kayfabe sticks her head around the corner and glares at the two of them>

Stank: Better go with kayfabe

GMtR: Fine. You are in that match again because the three of you are involved in an angle where SOMEONE put a bounty on you. Its your classic heel, divide and conquer story, only with a twist, Moose may or may not be lying about it

Stank: I see

<Kayfabe appears to have heard enough so she turns and leaves>

Stank: Ok now the REAL answer

GMtR: You three have been feuding with each other for so long, none of you have anything else to do, so you get thrown in a match together again.

Stank: Well, Attitude Adjuster HAS attacked me a couple of times

GMtR: Yeah well, he has a ladder match this week, so I can't put you two in a match.

Stank: Well, I could interfere and set something up for the pay per view........

GMtR: That's not a bad idea. But make sure its after the match, Firewoman would be pissed if you helped her win. Oh, and I was thinking of a strap match at the pay per view between the two of you, so you should probably attack him with a belt or something

Stank: Ok I can work it out with Alan, he is great when it comes to shit like this

GMtR: Oh, and Stank, get me a list of guys that will be on your War Games team so I can add that to the pay per view lineup

Stank: Sure think

<just then Kayfabe comes screaming around the corner again with a flaming barbed wire bat aimed right for Rick. GM the Rick side steps and Kayfabe SPEARS Stank! the two of them brawl down the hall out of sight. GM the Rick shakes his head and keeps on walking down the hall until he gets to the Palatial IHOP Locker Room, he knocks on the door and The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth opens the door>

TLaTDM: Yes?

GMtR: Is SYB here?

TLaTDM: Good to see you too, glad you were concerned about out near death experience being stuck on the top of Niagra Falls and all that

GMtR: Yeah, about that, you flew in on a piece of bacon?

TLaTDM: You wanted to see SYB about something

....:aboot

TLaTDM: Shut up already

<The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth lets GM the Rick into the Palatial IHOP locker room. SYB comes out from the back wearing the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title........and evidently nothing else>

TLaTDM: What the hell are you doing?

SYB: I like the way the leather feels against my skin. Sue me, eh?

TLaTDM: GO PUT SOMETHING ELSE ON NOW!

<SYB pouts and leaves, then comes back a moment later wearing a pair of San Diego Padres basketball shorts with the title draped across his shoulder>

SYB: Fine, what is this all aboot

GMtR: The title......give it to me, now.

SYB: Fuck you, asshole!

<SYB immediately flinches>

GMtR: What the hell are you doing?

SYB: That was from The Terminator, you were supposed to rip out my heart and show it to me

GMtR: What the hell is wrong with you?

TLaTDM: We don't have that kind of time

GMtR: Look, I am here for the title, I am stripping you of the belt because you can't buy titles in the OOWF

SYB: What if I say no?

GMtR: Look, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way

SYB: What movie is that from?

GMtR: GIVE ME THE GODDAMN TITLE

SYB: I am afraid I can't do that

GMtR:<sighing> Fine

<GM the Rick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hand full of change and drops it on the floor>

SYB: OOH MONEY!

<SYB drops to the floor and greedily starts collecting the money. GM the Rick picks up a large vase conveniently sitting on a nearby pedestal and drops it on SYB's head 3 Stooges Style, SYB is out cold. GM the Rick flips him over and puts his foot on his chest and motions to a referee in the hall. The referee runs in and makes the three count

WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - GM the RICK>

GMtR:<sighing> I didn't want to have to do it like that

TLaTDM: Does it bother you that you support the portrayal of a negative stereotype?

<GM the Rick looks at her for a moment>

GMtR: OOWF: We Are Racial Stereotypes!

<Rick leaves and heads back to his office. Surprisingly he makes it without incident. He slams the door and flops down in his chair and drops the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title on his desk>

Erlana: So, did you strip him of the title?

GMtR: Not exactly

Erlana: What do you mean "not exactly" you have the title

GMtR: I think I sort of won it

Erlana: YOU are the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion? What the hell were you thinking? Why didn't you just strip him of the title? You ARE the GM right?

GMtR: He was half naked and talking in movie quotes, it was all confusing and things escalated. Anyway, look I will just strip myself of the title and things will be fine

Erlana: On what grounds?

GMtR: I am not an active wrestler

Erlana: Neither was Eddie Izzard. Or Mustard bottle. Or Sparrow. Or Half a Dead Sparrow

GMtR: Half a dead......WHY MUST THIS BE SO COMPLICATED?!?!?!?!

Erlana: Because we have people that write for us that are not idiots?

GMtR: Look, what if I just didn't defend it for 30 days? Then I would have to strip myself of the title for non-defense!

Erlana: What's to stop someone else from writing a promo where you lose it

<just then kayfabe kicks the GM door>

Erlana: You better think of something fast, you are pissing kayfabe off

GMtR: When is she NOT pissed off? Look, I'll think of something, for now, put this in the safe, if I don't have it ON me maybe no one will attack me. Besides, as GM I am off limits to the wrestlers, right?

Erlana: Yes.......but that wouldn't stop non-wrestlers from coming after you as a bridge back to the real wrestlers.

GMtR: Goddamn it, just lock the damn thing up, I need a drink

<fade, finally>

[mooseheadjack]

*Eric is hanging out with Moose backstage.*

Moose: So...you've got two rather important events coming up.

Eric: Outback Jack and Wargames.

Moose: Exactly.

Eric: I'll pick my teams later. I'll assume that since you'll be busy, you won't be able to participate.

Moose: Yeah, I'm kind of busy that night.

Eric: As for Outback Jack...we both know a regular match between us wouldn't be sufficient.

Moose: What do you have in mind.

Eric: He thinks I'm angry, I'm full of rage, and I'm just ready to finish this war. I say we do it in a match that only a few people have ever particiapted in. One I've never been a part of - but form the looks of it....I'll love it.

The Taipai Death match.

You see, Moose, I know Jack is watching this - do you think he'll accept?

Moose: Jack is a crazy son of a bitch. Of course he will.

Eric: He'll have to bring that crazy son of a bitch side with him. Because at Mayhem, there will be blood, pain, and pleasure.

*Fade out*

[mooseheadjack]

(Just as Chris Cole finishes his promo, Spin Hansen enters the picture...)

SH: Cowards? Attacking someone before their match is a sign of cowardice? Then you, sir, are the biggest coward of them all. That was one of your HALLMARKS during the days of the Three Piece Set, you sonofabitch. You and your goons attacked me and the rest of D&D how many times? Get a grip. You're just bitter that you got beaten.

Oh, and Cole? Break a leg in your Onslaught match. Literally.

(Spin walks into the Boiler Room...)

[mooseheadjack]

(Referee Mel Creech is WALKING~!! through backstage and sees CTG's locker room door open. He peeks inside and sees CTG out cold and weapons everywhere)

Mel: Oh really....? (walks in) looks downright profitable. (Spots LADDER and CHAIR) don't mind me

LADDER: (doesn't mind)

CHAIR: (Doesn't care)

Mel: (sets up a table just outside CTG's door) Weapons of all denominations!! Reasonable Prices! Finest defenses against ambushes! Weapons starting at $50!

[mooseheadjack]

AA is standing backstage near a table that holds, among other things, a large container of hot coffee. Let’s be clear, he’s just standing there, minding his own business, when he decides to make a phone call.

AA: So I was wondering if you had any advice you could give me on ladder matches.

Caller on the Other End of the Line: Ladder matches? Are you kidding me? I’ve never been in a ladder match. Heck, I’ve never been in a Chicago Street Fight, and I’m from Chicago!

AA: Great. Thanks, Lex.

AA turns off his phone and turns toward the table, where for no apparent reason Stank is there getting a cup of coffee. AA bumps into Stank, causing coffee to spill all over Stank.

Stank: Wait a second. You’re kidding me, right? This is what you’re going to use to ccontinue our feud?

AA: It worked for Jericho and Kane.

Stank: Yeah, but I still think it was a stupid concept.

AA: So are you going to hit me or what?

Stank: Yeah, I guess I might as well. (Stank begins to pummel AA.)

AA: Hey, don’t forget to whip me with your belt sometime during this beatdown.

Stank: I don’t wear a belt.

AA: How do you keep your pants from falling down off that huge gut of yours??

Stank: I’M BIG BONED!!! Besides, you’re not mistaken for Chris Masters very often..

AA: Thank goodness for that.

Stank: Yeah, that was a bad example.

Suddenly, a SFJ walks by. Stank rips the diamond-studded, pink sequined belt off her waist.

AA: You’re going to use that?

Stank: You spilling coffee on me was a good idea!

AA: But it’s pink and sequined. And look how small it is. I bet you can’t even wrap that around your fist. SFJ, what the hell is that?

SFJ: I’m a Size Zero.

AA & Stank: GO EAT A CHEESEBURGER, BITCH!!

SFJ runs off crying.

AA: So are we going to do this?

Stank: At least we’re giving ourselves room for improvement.

AA quickly hits his patented Greco-Roman 5-Star Eye Poke of Doom.

Stank: Ow!!!!!! Oh, that’s it. Now it’s Go Time!

Stank attacks AA, and the two brawl through the back, beating each other viciously with random backstage objects. Every so often, stank whips AA with the diamond-studded, pink sequined belt. Surely there must be a reason for that.

Bob: Stop calling me Shirley

[mooseheadjack]

*Fade in to the palatial IHOP lockerroom in St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada. SYB is sitting on the floor holding an icepack on the back of his head. He looks totally dejected at the loss of his OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship. The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth, Skurge, The Amnesiac and Fezzik are watching OOWF TV and discussing recent developments…

Skurge: So the cease fire’s over, GM TheRick stripped Solly of the OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship, and we have to fight IHB for the Chipolatas der Tatanka titles again at OOWF MidWeek Mayhem, Live! From Ironwood, Michigan. Does that sum everything up?
Amn: I think so. What is this, like three weeks in a row we’ve fought IHB?
DM: Something like that, yeah.
Amn: Are there no other three-man teams out there?
Skurge: Apparently not. Anyway, check Solly oot. He seems pretty doon since Rick took his belt, eh? I think we should hit the town and see if we can’t cheer him up.
Amn: I could go for a beer. You coming Miss Mantooth?
DM: I could always use a drink. And I told you The Amnesiac, you’re part of this team now. You can call me Dorothy.
Skurge: Great. I know just the place. Hey Solly! Get your ass dressed. We’re going oot drinking.

*SYB doesn’t look like he really wants to go out drinking, but he gets up and gets himself dressed anyway. Apparently, his head is too sore to bother fighting about it right now.

*SYB, The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth, The Amnesiac, and Fezzik follow Skurge out of the arena. He hails a cab, and everyone piles in. Everyone but Fezzik, that is. The cab driver calls dispatch for a second car for him. As they wait for the second car to arrive, SYB argues with the driver that they shouldn’t have to pay for the second car, as it’s not their fault the cab isn’t big enough. Everyone takes this as a sign that SYB is on the road to recovery. Once the second cab arrives, Skurge tells the driver where they’re going, and they arrive at their destination shortly thereafter…

Skurge: So? What do you think?
SYB:…
Amn:…
Fezzik:…
DM: Uh, Skurge? This is a bowling alley. I thought we were going to a pub or a night club or something.
Skurge: Yeah, there really aren’t a lot of those aroond here, eh? Besides, my uncle runs the bowling alley, so we can play for half price.
SYB: I’m in.
DM: Do they serve alcohol?
Skurge: Please. I said we were going oot. Did you honestly think I meant that we were going to a place that’s dry?
DM: Given that you brought us to a bowling alley, I have no idea what to think anymore. Fuck it. Let’s just go in and get a drink.

*Once inside, Skurge gets shoes for everyone while the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth heads for the bar. She returns with drinks as everyone else is putting on their bowling shoes…

DM: Wow. They had shoes big enough for Fezzik?
Skurge: Of course they did. My uncle runs a tight ship here, eh?
DM: I see an extra pair of shoes. Is someone meeting us here?
Skurge: Well, I did pass the word aroond the arena that this is where we’d be if anyone wanted to drop by, but no one else is here yet.
DM: Oh. Do you think anyone will show up?
Skurge: I dunno. I hope so, though. It could be a lot of fun to have a bunch of wrestlers hanging oot in a bowling alley. It’s even possible that hilarity could ensue. Also, these aren’t extra shoes. They’re for you.
DM: Uh, yeah. I don’t bowl.
Skurge: What do you mean? Everyone bowls, eh?
DM: Not everyone. Not me. I’ll watch, thanks. Besides, if I play, there’s an odd number of players. This way, you can have teams.
SYB: Any chance we can just get started?
Skurge: I guess. If Dorothy doesn’t want to play, I suppose she doesn’t have to. As long as she doesn’t mind doing a beer run.
DM: I just brought you a– oh. Two this time?
Skurge: Better make it three. I get thirsty when I bowl.

*FADE*

[mooseheadjack]

The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth comes back with Skurge's beers, and sits down behind everyone. Fezzik is the first up to bowl. He palms the 16-lb ball and launches it down the alley. Three of the pins shatter as the giant throws a strike. A voice comes on over the loudspeaker:

Voice: Uh, Stuart? Cleanup on aisle 27.

A short stocky man comes running over to IHOP's lane, looks up at Fezzik, then down the lane at the pin dust that has settled.

Stuart: I'm sorry, guys. We can't have this guy launching balls like that all night.

Fezzik looks sad. SYB looks somewhat upset by this.

SYB: I'll have you know that my partner Skurge here, happens to be the owner's nephew.
Stuart: Yeah, and?
SYB: And that means we can take oour giant anywhere we please.
Stuart: It does, does it?

At this point, Fezzik looks happy that SYB is protecting him, but he stops the two from any further argument.

Fezzik: Listen... there's no need for confrontation. I'll just sit this one out.
SYB: Oot.
Skurge: Yeah, but that'll leave us with uneven teams.
Amn: Not with that nose of Solly's. He's got a built-in teammate.


With this, Skurge and Mantooth burst out in laughter. SYB just smirks.

Amn: I mean, really. Who mows yer nose hair?
SYB: I've never heard THAT one before.
Skurge: (jumping in on the fun) When you laugh, the world laughs with you... but when you sneeze, it's GOODBYE TORONTO!

Dorothy and Fezzik are laughing now. She decides to join in now as well.

DM: Keep that man AWAY from my cocaine!
Amn: Aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?

SYB looks a little upset at this point, but the three of them do not let up yet.

Skurge: The Lord giveth, and he just KEPT ON givin, didn't he?
Amn: Would you mind not bobbing your head, sir? The orchestra keeps changing tempo.
DM: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?

SYB looks downright outraged now. But now, it's Fezzik's turn.

Fezzik: Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

At this, even the furious SYB can't help but laughing. The team goes back to bowling, ignoring the scowls of Stuart, who has gone down the lane to clean up the remnants of the pins.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

Seamus is standing in his locker room, dressed in a styling suit with the onslaught belt draped across his shoulder

Seamus: “First of all everyone take a look at this. Nice suit, handsome man, championship gold…it doesn’t get any better than this!”

“ Here I am standing tall, standing proud, standing alone, no Dead, no Damon…no dead weight, just 16 pounds of gold!”

“Everyone forgot about ol’ Seamus, funny Seamus…who’s the rookie of the year? Who just went about his job every day? Who stood toe to toe, face to face with anyone booker man put in front of? Who toiled through dumb ass partners, and dumb ass feuds?”

“Yeah I don’t go on and on for days on end cutting promos and writing books…my actions speak louder than half a dozen promos…so here we are, win or lose I have proven I deserve to hold this belt.”

“Chris Cole wants to question why I have this belt! Stop your bitching, pull up your panties, kiss Eric goodbye and bring your silly ass down to the ring and take this belt”

“You want to fight then you better pack a lunch, you want to wrestle then I just might surprise you…you think I just fell off the turnip truck?”

“Rory fire up the stretch forklift and gather up the boys…if you think Ike was bad wait until Michigan gets a taste of Gaelic Storm”

[mooseheadjack]

*OBJ is sitting in the Destroyitarium with the Midnight Sons, doing the usual. *

DM: You look unusually happy. Did we get a new shipment of beer?

OBJ: Even better!

SH: I can't believe you just said that.

OBJ: I've got Eric in a Taipei Fence match.

DM: That explains it.

OBJ (drinks, belches): Australian for: Advantage, Jack!

[mooseheadjack]

[The Dead is getting ready to head out of his locker room when he sees Seamus McNasty's promo.]

Dead: Dead weight? Really? I carried that big goofy son of a bitch through every match we were in together. I know he was proud of showing up drunk every fucking night, but when your whole body is whiskey-dicked, that's a problem.

[The Dead turns off the TV. He turns to Blitz who is standing next to him.]

Dead: Fuck it, dude. Let's go bowling.

[mooseheadjack]

FW: Because I hate bowling, that's why.

Phantos: Come on... it's good clean fun! What better way to celebrate being back in North America?

FW: Drinking a 6-pack and driving a Chevy truck, but I'm not likely to do that either.

Lucios: Come on we need some time out of the arena. And we went with you to that very strange place in Thailand.

Phantos: And the cemetary in Cambodia.

Lucios: And--

FW: Damn, I knew those would come back to bite me in the ass. [Seeing the reactions to her language . . . ] I mean...darn? Fine. For a couple of hours, and then it's back to work.

Phantos: Great! Let's go!

FW: With the cease-fire over, though...you think this is really a good idea?

Lucios: Seriously? What could possibly go wrong?

[mooseheadjack]

*FADE BACK INTO THE BOWLING ALLEY WHERE SKURGE, THE LOVELY AND TALENTED DOROTHY MANTOOTH, THE AMNESIAC, AND FEZZIK ARE STILL POUNDING BEERS AND MOCKING SYB*

SYB: Will you fucking be quiet? I'm trying to bowl here. This is serious bidness, aight?

Skurge: Easy chief. Just having some fun, eh?

TLATDM <clearly drunk>: I'm this close to getting a pair of shoes and wiping the floor with your cheap ass so shut your Joo mouth up and bowl you fucking you suck and are banned!

<The Amnesiac and Skurge spit out their beers while Fezzik nods in approval>

TLATDM: Maybe Miracle Max can graft your nose to your cock, Mr. Two Inches of Pleasure.

SYB <stung>: That's it! I'm finding a new bowling team!

<He storms off in a huff>

<Skurge and The Amnesiac clink their bottles and belts>

Skurge: Are you worried aboot him?

Amn: Nah, he "nose" what he's doing.

<As generic montage music plays over the screen, the four of them continue to laugh and drink. Skurge kills two beers while throwing a strike. Fezzik pantomimes SYB's nose and his penny-pinching ways. They barely seem to notice the returning SYB.>

SYB: Hey fuckos. I'm back and I brought some company with me. Allow me to introduce my new team. This is Teen Wolf.



TW: You can call me Scott.

SYB: This is Mr. Quintana.



Skurge: Jesus.

J: You got it. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

SYB: And this is Ernie McCracken.



E: Hi.

Amn: Hi.

E: Not you. <To DM> Hi.

DM: I'm not getting Munson'd out here. <She puts on her bowling shoes> Let's bowl some fucking frames.

SYB: Indeed madam.

*FADE OUT*

[mooseheadjack]

AA - Look at that banner ad at the top.

Stank - Yeah?

AA - WealthyMen.com?

Stank - What about them?

AA - We're being sponsored by dating services now? Just another sign of HER influence around here.

Stank - Who?

AA - Who do you THINK...? Firewoman!

Stank - Why Firewoman? There are plenty of SFJ's around.

AA - Yeah, but they know their place. They don't wrestle. Ever since Firewoman showed up management has been bending over backwards, changing up our demographics!

Stank - I wouldn't say that.

AA - EAHHH what do you know? You've been too busy with your own shenanigans to notice. Speaking of that, see what that banner ad says?

Stank - WealthyMen.com - Wealthy Men. Rich Liv-

AA - No. The other part.

Stank - Limited Time Promo.

AA - You should look into that.

Stank - What the fuck are you talking about, Alan?

AA - I mean all these long, overproduced, promos you got going with Alexis Darling.

Stank - I haven't heard from Alexis in days.

AA - You KNOW what I'm talking about.

<Someone is POUNDING at the HEAVILY secured door to the Destroyitarium, desperately trying to get in. The bartender makes his way over.>

Stank - Don't!

B -

Stank - Just pour Alan another drink.

<The bartender makes his way back to Stank and AA.>

AA - How do you know who that is?

<Stank shoots AA a look.>

AA - Right.

Stank - Why do you antagonize her?

AA - The SKANK FAKED a PREGNACY!

Stank - Not Fire, idiot... KAY!

AA - Oh Kayfabe... I don't know... it's fun.

Stank - Whatever.

AA - ...

Stank - ...

AA - ... so... you going to-

Stank - DAMN IT, ALAN you TOLD me to look into limited time promos!

AA - Well we couldn't end it like that!

Stank - Why not?

AA - Promoing is an art form...

Stank - Have we established whether promoing is a word or not?

AA - No... shut up... The art of a really great promo is how you end it.

Stank - ...

AA - ...

Stank - ...

AA - You've got nothing to say?

Stank - I WAS TRYING TO END IT!

AA - Well you can't END it like THAT!

Stank - Why the fuck not?

AA - Because we haven't even warmed up to an ending. We haven't established a point.

Stank - Well the point of the two of us sitting here is management wants us to fight.

AA - Ok, Ok, good.

Stank - No. Not good. I got shit to do. I'm busy with this bounty on my head... and all the shit between Crete and Moose.

AA - Yeah... and I still got to deal with that SKANK Firewoman.

Stank - Besides... What is this... the WWE? What wrestling fed tries to establish a major feud, between two of their biggest names, two weeks before their premiere Pay-Per-View?

AA - Yeah that definitely REEKS of amateur hour.

Stank - ...

AA - ...

Stank - ...

AA - Not yet.

Stank - OH FOR FUCK SAKE, ALAN!

AA - We still haven't established our feud!

Stank - Why can't we just let the promo end, sit here, and drink?

AA - It doesn't feel right.

Stank - It doesn't... FEEL right?

AA - No Lucas. You got to have a sixth sense about these things man! Promos can be fragile.

Stank - I know a thing or two about promos Alan.

AA - No you don't.

Stank - I won promo of the year last year.

AA - That was last year. You don't even HAVE a promo on the ballot THIS year.

Stank – Yeah, but you and Johnny Cakes do.

AA - Johnny Cakes, Lucas… really?

Stank - Just trying it out.

AA - That promo is brilliant.

Stank - Yeah, talk about over produced...

AA - It wasn't over produced!

Stank - You kidding ME? All the fucking doctored photos and shit!

AA - WHAT? Those photos were NOT DOCTORED!

<The pounding on the door becomes more FEROCIOUS!>

AA - How DARE you suggest we faked those!

Stank - Please. Johnny tagged with Chris Adams?

AA - Yeah.

Stank - You tagged with the fricken FREEBIRDS?

AA - That's FABULOUS Freebirds... and I didn't TAG with them-

Stank - You wrestled the Von Erics.

AA - Yes.

Stank - ...

AA - ...What?

Stank – Alan… it's 2008.

AA - SO??? It's MORE BELIEVABLE than you, and Capslock's ANCESTORS forming Drink & Destroy, back in the 1600's!

Stank - 1800's!

AA - Whatever! You can't put down our promo because it's FLAWLESS!

Stank - It's long and overproduced.

AA - WHAT! You can't THROW that back in MY face!

Stank - Why not? And don't even THINK about saying Because go fuck yourself, that's why.

AA – Moi? Steal someone's catchphrase...? For SHAME!

Stank - Can't we just follow YOUR advice and try out the limited time promo thing YOU suggested?

AA - No! For one... we're not done establishing my promo greatness... and two... it doesn't feel right, yet.

Stank - Oh THIS shit again. Why doesn't it FEEL right, oh master of promoing?

AA - Promonating.

Stank - PromoWHAT?

AA - I've decided promoing is not a word.

Stank - And Promonating is?

AA - Just trying it on for size.

Stank - ...

AA - ...

Stank - ...

AA - NOT YET!

Stank - I'm not talking anymore.

AA - THIS is NOT a proper ending!

Stank - ...

AA - We haven't explained why I'M here.

Stank - I could start whipping the shit out of you with this belt, again.

AA - … … I thought you said you weren't talking.

Stank - But this is MY promo. I should have the last word.

AA - No... this isn't your promo, yet. It's not sufficiently long enough. Like one of those rambling, overly produced ones you got going with Alexis Darling.

Stank - I told you I haven't heard from her!

AA - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

<Sparks start to fly at the front door entrance as the person on the other side has clear designs on using a BLOWTORCH to break in. Stank looks toward the door.>

Stank – ah fuck it… DO you HAVE ANY idea how HARD it is to establish a proper NARRATIVE?

<The blowtorch burns brighter with intensity>

AA - Narrative?

Stank - We've been at war for the better part of a YEAR. I aim to see Bennett taken DOWN in a BIG way! Alexis is a HUGE part of that! It's not something you can just explain away in 30 words or less!

AA - But WHY go Hollywood?

Stank - What the fuck are you talking about, Alan?

AA - This is professional wrestling. Wrestling should never go full Hollywood. Hulk Hogan throwing Big Show off a building in WCW…

Stank – Admittedly dumb.

AA – Ric Flair’s plane crash…

Stank – Pretty sure that was real, Alan.

AA – It was?

Stank – Yes.

AA – Hmmm… It’s a miracle I survived.

Stank – Oh for the LOVE o- YOU WERE NOT ON THAT PLANE, ALAN!

AA – Says you… Anyway, you know what I mean by full Hollywood, right? Like Vince blowing up his limo with him inside it.

<The blowtorch ceases only to be followed by what sounds like a sledgehammer SLAMMING up against the heavily bolted door.>

Stank - The stuff with Alexis Darling is NOT Hollywood.

AA - It is.

Stank - It's NOT! It's entertaining. Besides you and I are not even supposed to know what's happening with her. All that stuff is for the benefit of the audience so that it suitably crescendos to the PPV.

AA - WHAT? You even SOUND all Hollywoody.

Stank - I do not!

AA (mocking) - ”So that it suitably crescendos to the PPV”... gimmie a break!

Stank – Hey! Look at this next Lexie Darling promo and TELL me it's over produced!

<The hammering at the door stops.>

______________________

A little under 48 hours ago
______________________



<Donovan Viper is questioning Alexis Darling.>



DV – So you got nothing to say, eh?

AD – MMMM! MMMM! MMMMM!

DV – Oh right. You got tape over your mouth. If I remove it you’ve got to promise not to spit in my face.

<Alexis nods in the affirmative. Viper removes the tape, and Alexis promptly SPITS in Viper’s face!>

DV – Bitch!

<Donovan Viper smacks Alexis across her face, wipes the spittle from his cheek, then puts the tape back over her mouth.>

DV – Guards! Take this one back to her boyfriend in the other room! Oh. And get her something else to wear. Her attire offends me.

Guard – What? I don’t think…

DV – THAT’S RIGHT! YOU don’t THINK! I DO! Get her a CHANGE of clothes!

Guard 2 – But… I think that’s a waste of our time.

DV – JUST DO AS I SAY!

<The guards remove Alexis from her chair and take her to a back room of LJ Bennett’s house. They hand her a change of clothes and turn around, as she puts on a pair of jeans and a blue jersey. She is too exhausted, to protest. Once changed, the guards tie her up, and shove her into a dimly lit room where she falls to the floor. A beat up Ax-Man is sitting, tied to a chair in the middle of the room.>



<Alexis is also beat up, but mostly from the car crash. She lies on the floor as defeat starts to set in.>



<The camera slowly zooms in on Alexis’s face, the music punctuation her growing despair. The camera shows a close up of Alexis’s lips as she whispers a small prayer to whoever might be listening.



<The scene cuts to outside Bennett's Newport, RI residence.>



<A guard walks around outside when he sees something... peculiar...>



<The guard cautiously opens the door, but sees nothing more unusual, but oh the SMELL. As he gags, he turns to walk out and is run over by a group of PIGS!>



<The guard lies on the floor trying to cover up, as he is run over by the muddy swine. His vision blurred from the onslaught, a large shadow looms in through the doorway following the pigs, seemingly in slow motion, in a nod to John Woo's signature doves, where the pug nosed beasts stand in for the birds, the gargantuan man stands before the fallen guard. The guard tries to stand bracing himself against massive amounts of fatty flesh.>



<The scene cuts back to the room where Ax and Alexis are being held. They can hear commotion outside the room. It sounds like squealing pigs and men scrambling about. Bodies can be heard dropping. A shadow blocks out the light that was seeping under the door to the room. Alexis lies still on the floor as the door begins to buckle, then is BLASTED in! Alexis squeezes her eyes shut and can feel giant footsteps coming closer to her. She opens her eyes and looks up. She sees a GIANT staring back at her...>



Alexis - Grunt?

Grunt - Pritteeeeee.

Alexis - How the...? Never mind! Just get us the HELL out of HERE!

<The scene cuts to outside where Grunt is carrying Ax-Man and Alexis walks alongside them. Sydney Shale comes walking out of the brush, pointing the way to safety.>



<All four of them walk through the trees to a road where a nearby pickup truck sits in wait. Grunt puts Ax inside the cabin then climbs up onto the truck bed. Shale gets behind the steering wheel as Alexis climbs into the passenger side. The truck peels off down the road, heading for the highway.

The scene cuts to Niles Anderson lying on the ground, covered in mud, pigs milling about. Niles slowly opens his eyes and is greeted with a snort in his face. Niles nudges the pig's nose away and rises from the ground...>



<He is not pleased.>

________________

Yesterday afternoon
________________

<Ax-Man stands by the side of the road, looking over a road map. He hears Alexis Darling over by the pick up truck.>

AD - Ok you were right... the engine is dead.



Ax-Man - I tried to tell you.

SS - I hope this doesn't mean we're walking to Dayton Miss Darling.

Grunt - Grunt hungry!

Ax-Man - You're ALWAYS hungry!

Grunt - Grunt could eat you.

Ax-Man - Grunt better stay the fuck away from me.

Alexis - That's no way to talk to the guy who saved us.

Ax-Man - Whatever... what's the point in going to Dayton anyway? We lost all our evidence.

Alexis - Not ALL of it.

<Alexis pulls a micro-tape out of her pocket>

Fade to Black

_____________________

Back at the Destroyitarium
_____________________

AA - ...

Stank - ...

AA - ...

Stank - ... Ok, they may have overdone it a little with the camera angles, music, and all.

AA - A little...? They went FULL HOLLYWOOD!

Stank - WELL WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT?? Ax and Grunt haven't wrestled here in FOREVER! I doubt ANYONE around here knows who Sydney Shale is! And Alexis... ... was looking pretty damn FINE in that last pic!

AA - I'm pretty sure that was Meagan Fox.

Stank - Shut up. Anyway, they've got to do SOMETHING to make people interested in these otherwise non playing character's, Lexie excluded of course.

<The blowtorch resumes at the door.>

AA - This brings me back to my point.

Stank - It was so long ago I forgot.

AA - They went full Hollywood.

Stank - There IS no such thing.

AA - In wrestling... of COURSE there is.

Stank - Hello? Have you been to the OOWF? Parking lot brawls... exploding Helicopters, cars getting BLOWN up, disembodied wrestlers fighting over giant statues, popcorn and PORN?

AA - Yeah, yeah I'm not saying there isn't precedent, I'm saying it's not good for wrestling. Back in the day all that was needed was your fed's logo as a backdrop and a damn good bit of information to impart on your opponent.

Stank - Alan once again... it's 2008. And I think before 2009 comes around we should wrap up this promo.

AA - ...

Stank - ...

AA - Not yet.

Stank - ARE YOU INSANE??

AA - Like a FOX!

Stank - ... that's... that's not right.

AA - What?

Stank - It's... crazy like a fox.

AA - What DIFFERENCE does it MAKE!

Stank - I'm just saying...

AA - Listen, I've got a brilliant idea for our feud!

Stank - Can't we just END this. I mean after all of THAT. You know...? The rambling argument over the banner ad, which I'm sure disappeared long ago. Kayfabe trying to make her way in here. The promo WITHIN a promo! What happened to limited TIME? Are you trying to restart the neverending promo?

AA - Well we HAVE past the Promonide Event Horizon or PEH as I like to call it.

Stank - REALLY Alan... Peh?

AA - Hey! I'm the master Promoer! I can call it whatever I want!

Stank - Promoer?

AA - SHUT UP! I'm trying to tell you what our feud should be over. Forget the spilled coffee.

Stank - Forgotten. I doubt anyone is paying attention at this point.

AA - We shall feud... wait for it... ... ...

Stank - ...

AA - ...

Stank - SPEAK!

AA - You're ruining the MOMENT!

Stank - I'm just trying to move things along, Alan.

AA - WE shall FEUD... over... our different promoing philosophies!

Stank - I thought you declared promoing as not a wor-

AA - Well I dedeclare it! It's back on the table!

Stank - I'm not sure dedeclare is a word either.

AA - Could you stop being the grammar police for a MOMENT and just TRY to see the big PICTURE here, Stank!??!

Stank - Didn't we already feud over the box-o-promos?

AA - Big PICTURE, Lucas! This feud will be AWESOME! Why... it might actually lead to my FINALLY winning the OOWF World title!

Stank - I don't think so.

AA - Why? You don't think I can out promo you?

Stank - No. I don't think you can out wrestle me.

AA - ...

Stank - ...

AA - ...

Stank - Can we end this now?

AA - Yeah now seems as good a time as any.

<Kayfabe FINALLY breaks through the door, blowtorch in hand. She shuts off the torch, lifts off her blowtorch mask, and drops the equipment to the floor, staring angrily at both Stank and Attitude Adjuster, not knowing which one to attack first.>

AA - HEY! We ended this promo at a decent spot! You can't just BARGE in here an-

<Kayfabe CHARGES and SPEARS!! AA out of his SEAT!! Stank asks the bartender to pour him another beer, as the two BRAWL in the background.>

Fade Mercifully

[mooseheadjack]

The camera fades back into the bowling alley. We are taken to a lane at the other end of the alley where Moose, Eric O’Mac, Attitude Adjuster and Tyson Kincaid are bowling and completely oblivious to the imminent arrival of the rest of the OOWF crew.

It is currently Moose’s turn and he is busy carefully selecting a ball. The other three men sit behind the score table talking.

AA: I still have no idea why Eric entered us all in a bowling league.

TK: I guess he thought we could use some downtime with all the shit that’s been going on lately. Besides, you know how competitive he is. He takes this kind of thing pretty seriously.

Moose returns to the table.

Moose: You’re up, Kincaid.

Kincaid grabs a ball, walks to the line and throws a strike. He begins to celebrate when Eric cuts him off.

EOM: OVER THE LINE!

TK: Huh?

EOM: I'm sorry, Tyson. You were over the line, that's a foul.

TK: Bullshit. Mark it 8, Moose.

EOM: Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame.

TK: Bullshit, Eric. Mark it 8, Moose.

EOM: Tyson, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

Moose: Eric, ya know, it's Tyson, so his toe slipped over the line a little, big deal. It's just a game, man.

EOM: Moose, this is a league game, this determines who enters the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?!

TK: Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Moose, I'm marking it 8.

Eric pulls out a gun.

EOM: Tyson, my friend, you are entering a world of pain.

Moose: Eric...

EOM: You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain.

TK: I'm not...

EOM: A world of pain.

TK: Look, Moose, I…uh…this is your partner...

EOM: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? MARK IT ZERO!

Moose: They're calling the cops, put the piece away.

EOM: [still shouting] MARK IT ZERO!

Eric points the gun in Tyson's face.

Moose: Eric...

EOM: [shouting] You think I'm fucking around here? MARK IT ZERO!

TK: All right, it's fucking zero. Are you happy, you crazy fuck?

EOM: ...it's a league game, Tyson.

Fade.

[mooseheadjack]

*Fade in*

*We see Stank, Moosehead Jack, LD Williams, Davin Moreland, and Eric O'Mac sitting in the Destroyatorium booth, having a round of drinks and watching TV as a newscaster comes on the TV.*

Newscaster: Get ready, because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend!

Eric: Heh. Barry Manilow.

Moose: What a joke.

Davin: So stupid.

Stank: And boring as hell.

LD: Yeah, no kidding.

Moose: You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.

Eric: Hey, you know what we should do? We should go. You know, as a goof.

Davin: That would be hilarious.

LD: Hey, just to look at all the idiots.

Stank: All the dumbass Manilow fans.

Davin: Yeah.

*The five of them sit in silence for a few seconds.*

LD: I mean, he's got, like, one good song.

Eric: Yeah, I mean "Mandy" isn't terrible.

Moose: Yeah, the opening is OK.

Stank: And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana."

Davin: Yeah, if you're in the right mood.

Moose: "Daybreak" is a good song.

LD: Oh yeah.

Eric: Yeah, that's a good song. And I like "Weekend In New England."

Davin: Yeah, that's a good song.

LD: "Looks Like We Made It?"

Eric: Yeah, that's not bad.

Stank: Yeah.

*Silence.*

Moose: I love Barry Manilow.

Eric: OH MY GOD, HE'S THE BEST!

Davin: I HAVE EVERYTHING HE'S EVER RECORDED!

Stank: ME TOO! IN MY CAR!

Eric: We have to go to that concert!

LD: We are going to that concert!

*The five start singing.*

All: And I'm ready to take a chance again
Ready to put my love on the line with you...
Been living with nothing to show for it
You get what you get when you go for it...

*Cut directly to the five at the Barry Manilow concert.*

Barry: And I'm ready to take a chance again with you....

*Show Stank, Eric, Davin, Moose, and LD with tears in their eyes and applauding at the end of the song with the rest of the audience.*

Barry: Thank you, thank you very much!

Eric (from the crowd): You're welcome!

Barry: Now, for this next song, I'm going to need some help from a member of the audience! So, uh, let's see....

*Barry points to a member of the audience.*

Barry: What's your name?

Girl: Claire.

Barry: Uh, no, I don't like that. What about you?

Second girl: Harriett!

Barry: No, it has to be two syllables.

*From the auidence....*

Eric: ERIC!

Stank: LU-CAS!

LD: El Dee!

Moose: MOOSE HEAD!

Davin: DAVIN!

Barry: Hmm, Davin, that sounds kind of exotic. OK, why don't you join me on stage?

Eric:*gasp*

Stank: Go, go, go!

LD: Oh my God, Oh my God!

Moose: I hate you so much right now!

*Davin goes down the aisle and gets on stage and sits on a stool.*

Barry (singing): The night goes into morning
Just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me

Oh, Davin...

Davin: Ohh.

Barry: You came and you gave without taking...

Davin: I would never take from you Barry.

Barry: But I sent you away, Oh Davin.
You kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today....Oh, Davin.

Eric: Oh, he's so talented.

*Cut to the five sitting at the Destroyatorium again, after the concert.*

Eric: Don't worry boys, I'll pay the bill.

*Eric reaches for his wallet.*

Eric: Hmm. Where's my wallet? Oh hell, I must have dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert.

*Tyson Kincaid walks by.*

Tyson: Dropped it at the WHAT and WHERE was I?

*Tyson Kincaid walks away, fuming.*

Stank: Don't worry, this round is on me.

*ZK DeBeers walks up to the five wrestlers.*

ZK: Uh, I don't mean to cut in, but isn't this kind of a rip off?

Moose: What are you saying?

ZK: I'm just saying, you got 3 heels and 2 faces drinking together, going to concerts together...hell, you didn't even use original dialog! All of these lines were clearly from Family Guy!

LD: Uh...

ZK: And after we were TOLD to keep all of our characters "in-character!"

Davin: Yeah....about that....

ZK: I mean, with the ceasefire over, shouldn't you guys be kicking the shit out of each other?

Eric: Um.....LET'S GET HIM!

*The five of them jump out of the booth and attack ZK DeBeers! Four of them set DeBeers up and Moose levels him with a Heart Punch! LD locks in a STF as ZK screams in pain! When ZK passes out, Eric gets him up and shoves him towards Stank! Stank gets him in position for the Stank-U...and Davin runs over and they hit a StankU-Really Good Diamond Cutter combo! The five of them stand back and Eric looks at him...*

Eric: Ha!

Moose: I think this calls for another celebration.

Stank: How about another round on me!

*The five down their drinks and Eric steps forward.*

Eric: Alas, my love, you do me wrong,
To cast me off discourteously.
For I have loved you well and long,
Delighting in your company.

All: Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves.

Eric: Your vows you've broken, like my heart,
Oh, why did you so enrapture me?
Now I remain in a world apart
But my heart remains in captivity.

All: Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves

Eric: I have been ready at your hand,
To grant whatever you would crave,
I have both wagered life and land,
Your love and good-will for to have.

All: Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves

Eric: If you intend thus to disdain,
It does the more enrapture me,
And even so, I still remain
A lover in captivity.

All: Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves

Eric: My men were clothed all in green,
And they did ever wait on thee;
All this was gallant to be seen,
And yet thou wouldst not love me.

All: Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves

Eric: Thou couldst desire no earthly thing,
but still thou hadst it readily.
Thy music still to play and sing;
And yet thou wouldst not love me.

All: Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves

Eric: Well, I will pray to God on high,
that thou my constancy mayst see,
And that yet once before I die,
Thou wilt vouchsafe to love me.

All: Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves

Eric: Ah, Greensleeves, now farewell, adieu,
To God I pray to prosper thee,
For I am still thy lover true,
Come once again and love me.

All: Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves

*Everyone in the Destroyatoirum stands up and gives the quintet a standing ovation...well, everyone but ZK DeBeers.*

Eric: Alright, Moose, call AA...hey Tyson! You still aren't mad about the Barry Manilow concert are you?

Tyson: I'll get over it.

Eric: Good, because I signed up us, Moose, and AA in a bowling league. Ought to be fun!

*Fade out....and next time you fade in, you'll see Riot's promo.*

[mooseheadjack]

AA was standing outside the Destroyatorium, ready to cut a killer promo. But before he starts, a production assistant runs in and hands AA hard copy of Eric and Riot's promos. AA scans the promos, and then tosses then to the ground in disgust.

AA (out of character): I was all ready to cut a killer promo on Stank, and include Tyson Kincaid and Firewoman. It was awesome! But now I'm apparently in a bowling league and missed a Barry Manilow concert. I'm trying to cut a serious promo, give a rub to some kid, and you guys are screwing things up. Screw you all. I'm going to do it anyway. Cameraman, roll tape!


AA (in character): Stank! Stank! So spilled coffee wasn’t good enough for you, huh? What? You didn’t like the fact that I tried to bring a little humor into the scene and have you running around whipping me with a diamond-studded, pink sequined Size 0 belt? And by the way, promotificating is too a word! Even if Google doesn’t know it yet! I looked it up!

So we’re gonna brawl over who the best promo artist is, huh? It shouldn’t even be a contest. The Chickenshit Heels were—and still are—the No. 1 PROMO TEAM IN THE OOWF! We’re the two-time Promo of the Year winners, and the only reason you won it last year is because Johnny and I didn’t want to be division killers. We dragged you and that wanna-be rich boy to three feuds of the years and matches of the year. We won Gimmick of the year, Angle of the Year and Tag Team of the Year. But we’re most proud of Promo of the Year. So don’t even think you can get into a feud with me over PROMOS and win.

I tried. I tried, Stank. I tried to keep the promo down at your level, spilled coffee and all. But you want to up the antee with another NEVER-ENDING PROMO. By GAWD, those sicken me. FULL HOLLYWOOD! FULL HOLLYWOOD! YOU CAN’T GO FULL HOLLYWOOD! YOU’RE ALREADY FULL HOLLYWOOD!

Just bring your best stuff, and I’ll bring the Box O’ Promos back to the OOWF, and we’ll promotificate until Barrack Obama begs us to be his Vice President. That’s right, I can outspeak the NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! You can’t keep up with…

Suddenly, Tyson Kincaid walks into the scene.

TK: I am so GOD DAMN TIRED of you running your mouth and not saying a single thing about me. Who do you think you are doing promos on Stank when you have a ladder match against Firewoman this week at Midweek Mayhem in Ironwood, Michigan (cheap pop!) and then a pending feud with me!

AA: Excuse me. Excuse me. Who? Wha? Who are you?

TK (simmering and about to attack): My name is Tys…

AA: It doesn’t matter what your name is!!!! Wow, I’ve always wanted to do that.

TK: That’s so lame.

AA: No, I’ll tell you what lame is. Lame is someone like you who ought to be playing ring monkey before the matches wanting to be in the same Zip code as me. Lame is you interrupting one half of the No. 1 PROMO TEAM IN THE OOWF! Lame is the fact that security allows you within camera range while I’m cutting a promo. Lame is…

TK: Are you done yet?!?! Blah, blah, No. 1 PROMO TEAM, blah. What do you do around here anyway? Other that sucking in good air and blowing out bad air, I don’t see much use for you around here.

AA: What do I do around here? Are you kidding me? I MAKE STARS! I can make you! I can break you! My GAWD, if it wasn’t for The Chickenshit Heels, half this roster would be a bunch of nobodies. Remember Nayr and Fly? Only because of TCH. Antoine Cutter? He’s know for one thing around here: Having his neck broken by TCH. Beast? He was nothing until Popcorn and Porn made him famous. The Best Friends Forever? Made them and broke them! Phantos and Lucios? They’d be in some kind of singles tag-team breakup angle if it weren’t for the TCH rub. Hell, even Firewoman would be nothing more than a Sexy Female…no, take that back…an Ugly Female Journalist if it wasn’t for Attit…

AA is swiftly cut off by a flying ladder to the face. And attached to that ladder is Firewoman, who smashes the ladder down upon the fallen AA and then drops to the ground to beat on AA some more. Kincaid seems torn, but finally tried to pull Firewoman away. But Firewoman decks Kincaid and goes back to AA, and Kincaid decides to drop out of the brawl. He’s about to leave the scene when he spots the fallen microphone.

TK: AA, you’ve created a lot of problems for yourself. Now you can add me to your list. The talking is done. It’s time to fight.

[mooseheadjack]

We see The Amnesiac stepping up the counter to return his bowling shoes. Fezzik is walking behind him, returning his goddamn rowboats. The Amnesiac pulls out his wallet, and takes a few dollars out of the wallet to hand to the guy behind the counter.

GBC: It's okay, man... it's all covered by the OOWF. It's a league night.

Amn: Oh... well that's good. All I know, is that it's DAMN good to be back in these United States. I've been SO FUCKING tired of Deutschmark this, Looney that, and Rupee the other. Jesus H Tapdancing Christ, how many different types of currency can there possibly be in the world?

The Guy Behind the Counter appears to have zoned out during The Amnesiac's rant. Fezzik is playing with some lint he found in his pocket. The Amnesiac just throws his hands up in the air.

Amn: I give up. Where are the guys?

The Amnesiac turns around, and suddenly, standing there, are all three members of Insane Homeless Bunny. The Amnesiac starts laughing out loud.

Amn: You've got to be kidding me. In the fucking bowling alley?

Fezzik stares down all three men, threateningly. The three of them bumrush The Amnesiac, knocking him to the ground. Fezzik picks up Bunny by the scruff of his neck, while the other two pound on The Amnesiac. Suddenly, the Talented and Lovely Dorothy Mantooth can be heard yelling from somewhere nearby.

TLDM: Skurge! SYB! Get your asses over here!

After a few moments, Fezzik tosses Bunny aside. Skurge and SYB show up, and all three members of IHB run off in different directions. Skurge helps The Amnesiac to his feet. He brushes himself off.

Amn: What in the blue fuck was that?

All 5 just shrug and start laughing.

*FADE*

[mooseheadjack]

** L.D. Williams is storming through the arena hallways, mumbling to himself.**

LD: “Suuure. I’m good enough for the Manilow concert because they need me for harmony, but do I get invited to bowl? Nooo!…. I’m the World Champion Dammit!… And I like bowling! I’ll show them...”

**L.D. sees Z.K. DeBeers and the Cape Town Cannibals.**

LD: “You three! Move! We’re going bowling!”

ZK: “Are you out of your mind? After what you did to me? We will not-”

**L.D. grabs DeBeers and slams him head-first through the wall.**

LD: “So we’ve got three…It’s a start. C’mon.”

TNA: “Shouldn’t we-”

WWE: “Bowling.”

**Without another word, the CTC follow L.D. through the halls. They round a corner and see Apocalyptic Existence**

LD: “Who the hell are…Never mind. Doesn’t matter. We’re going bowling.”

**A short time later, L.D. and his ‘team’ enter the bowling alley. They take the lane next to Eric, Moose, AA and Tyson.”

Eric: “Hey L.D., glad you could make it.”

LD: “Yeah, sorry. I got delayed by the fact that NO ONE INVITED ME!”

AA: “Hey, relax. It’s not like we-”

LD: “Listen Mr. Promotificator, I already have enough problems with you.”

AA: “What the hell did I do?”

LD: “It’s what you didn’t do. Antoine Cutter?”

AA: “…”

LD: “Who broke his neck?”

AA: “Me and Johnny.”

LD: “LIAR! You may have done it the second time. But the first time it was ME and Johnny! ME!”

MHJ: “Uh, L.D…”

AA: “Not now Moose. What’s the matter AA? Outpromoing me wasn’t enough? Winning all the awards wasn’t enough? Now you have to take credit for My accomplishments? I-”

MHJ: “LD!”

LD: “WHAT?”

MHJ: “Your ‘teammate’ is trying to eat the pins.”

**L.D. turns and, sure enough, TNA, living the gimmick, is sitting in the middle of the alley, gnawing on one of the pins. L.D marches over and takes the pin away, smacking TNA in the head with it before tossing it back to be reset. He herds the rest of his team to their seats.**

LD: “Tell you what, since I wasn’t good enough to bowl with you, let’s see who’s better. My team against yours.”

AA: “You can’t be serious.”

LD: “Dollar a point.”

AA: “Done.”

TK: (Snickering) “If your team can keep their shoes on.”

LD: “Oh for crying out – Guys! We’re not in the arena. Kay isn’t even here!”

**Fade to sometime later.**

LD: “$800, $900, $1000.”

AA: “Thanks champ. Good game.”

LD: “I’m just glad I still have some of Johnny’s money from the SFJ bets.”

AA: “Yeah, that promo wasn’t even nominated, was it?”

LD: “I hate you.”

**Fade**

[mooseheadjack]

At an undisclosed location in rural Ohio, Karmic is sitting in front of his computer, chain smoking in between gulps of coffee

Kayfabe: You can't quit.

Karm: AHHHH! *Dumps coffee on himself* Who the hell let you in here?

Kay: You did. A year ago. When you signed up to be in the OOWF.

Karm: Then you can show yourself out. I quit. I can't follow those promos.

Kay: You can't quit. I need you. You're one of the only ones around there that respects me!

Karm: Don't you get it? It's no use! All the promos today - they're too good! I can't be that funny! Spot is always funny, and AA is too, but Eric and Riot? Really? And wld? I mean come on! There's no way I can do it.

Kay: Is that why you're going all meta right now?

Karm: ... I think it's time for you to leave.

Kay: I'm not leaving.

Karm: Then I guess I don't have a choice. Bogey! Parker! Dashiell! Spillane! ATTACK!

The four cats lounging around the room all look up for a moment, then go back to sleep

Karm: Balls.

Kay: Listen. You don't HAVE to be funny. Just because everyone else was this week -

Karm: Everyone. Even Eric and Riot.

Kay: That doesn't mean you have to be. Look - Moose's goofy-assed world tour is over. The neverending angle is wrapping up. It's going to be a storyline wide reset. Remember your tenement gym promo? That wasn't bad. Remember the Empty Arena promo? That wasn't bad. You've made it this far...you can survive. Next week, there won't be all those great promos. Eric will be back a violent psychopath, Moose will be back to a mundane psychopath, Riot will be doing Fodor's again...It'll be fine. Here...Here's a fresh pot of coffee, and a carton of coffin nails.

Karm: Well...

Kay: If it makes you feel better, you can wait until after DevSop or flashdragon or TheDead promo. They'll give you enough of a buffer that you can feel safe.

Karm: Unless they hit home runs too.

Kay: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, seriously. You've got time. Just take it slow, and cut an animal shelter promo. They're good for heat.

Karm: Well I guess I can give it a shot. But if it doesn't work out, I'm done.

Kay: It'll work out. Don't worry. Here. let me light that for you...there you go. Now, you go ahead and get to work. I'm going back to the Apter Mags you have in the other room.

Karm: Wait...there's something that's been bothering me since this started.

Kay: What?

Karm: Well, you're Kayfabe, right. I mean, THE Kayfabe?

Kay: Of course.

Karm: Then how are you talking to me about the other guys promos? I mean doesn't kinda...y'know...

Kay: Well, I h....

Kayfabe spontaneously combusts.

Karm:...