OOWF Territorial Beatings PPV

[mooseheadjack]

Live From Yellowknife, Northwest Territory, Canada!

OOWF World Title Fatal Four-Way [/u]
Niles Anderson vs. Donovan Viper vs. Microplay vs. Canadian Dragon

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match [/u]
Blackdragon vs. Mr. Jealous

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match [/u]
FF Capslock & Stank vs. The Team From Down Under

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match [/u]
Thim Reynolds vs. Capellan

Battle For the Souls [/u]
Beast vs. Hardbody Harris

Cage Match - 15 Foot high enclosed Steel Cage! Only way to win is by pin or submission [/u]
The Devil's Brigade vs. wCw

Cage Match - 15 Foot high enclosed Steel Cage! Only way to win is by pin or submission [/u]
Johnny Adrenaline & Attitude Adjuster vs. LD Williams & Eric O'Mac

3Piece Set vs. The Establishment
Firechild vs. GimmickMan
Moosehead Jack & Concrete TG vs. SoulDragon & Mercury
Mark Vander vs. Chris Alt
UnderDawg vs. Phil
Uncle Entity vs. Seraph
Mikey Styner vs. Dr. Murder

Card subject to some changin' but lets all hope like hell for the best.

[mooseheadjack]

*Ric Flair's Space Mountain Restaurant. Fievel spots a pretty young mouse and heads over to her table with a tray of coffee and a 6 inch cheese sub.*

Fievel: Excuse me, I happened to be passing and I thought you might like some coffee.

Girl Mouse: Oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you. Oh, won't you sit down?

Fievel: Oh thank you. Cream?

Girl Mouse: No thank you, I take it black . . . . . . like my men.

[mooseheadjack]

## As the camera fades up we see Thim, all newly suited and booted rather than in his overalls, arriving at the buffet table and fixing himself a coffee . . . Capellan is already there

C: Hiya Thim, looking a bit smart today aren't we?

T: Hey, a Champion has got to look the part

C: well you're certainly getting there. So how's it feel to finally be champion?

T: oh man, what a rush. The feeling I get when I go out there now with my new entrance it's just totally different, altogether

wCw: It's just totally different . . .

T: huh!!!

## Capellan shrugs

C: so we finally get to sort this thing out at the PPV then. The third and deciding match.

T: yea, I told you I'd make sure we got to show our stuff on the big stage, and it doesn't get much bigger that Territorial Beatings . . . shame it's coming from such a pissant little town - the crowd's going to be a bit flat

C: hey, come on Thim. It'll be fine. We'll get out there and just tear the place apart the same as we always do - if that doesn't get them to their feet nothing will

T: I guess, still all of the rabid Thimanoids at home will get to see me retain my title.

C: err, excuse me!! Just two questions. One, what makes you think you'll win and two, what the hell are Thimanoids???

T: well I've got to believe I'm going to win, same as you do so chill out. As for the Thimanoids . . . I've been trying to work out what to call all my fans now that I'm really starting to get a Champions sized following. You know. Hulk Hogan's got the Hulkamanics, Christian's got his Peeps in the Christian Coalition, Cena's got The Chain Gang . . . it's just a work in progress, I'm not totally happy with it but it's got the advantage of sounding a bit medical . . . you know, like Adenoids

C:(under his breath) sounds a bit nuts to me. #cough# Yea, not too bad but I think you're right - needs more work really . . . anyway Thim, got to go. Catch you later

T: yea OK Cap. See you in the ring . . . hmmmm, Thim's Tumult? Nah, even worse. The Flexors?? Nah, sounds a bit gay (notthattheresanythingwrongwiththatofcourse), DV might go for it though . . . ah I don't know - we'll see what signs people bring and I'll just steal one of their ideas };-)

## fade out

[mooseheadjack]

(Jesse Garon and Uncle Entity are in the lockerroom)

Uncle Entity: Man, that Thim reynolds isn't playing by Onslaught rules brotha. He's cheatin' somehow, pulling a Lex luger or something. I need to crack the code.

Jesse Garon: (In Elvish) Hey man, what about the upcoming PPV though? You got that freak Seraph. Better watch out for his little minion too.

UE: Those l;ittle shits. they are way out there alright. but hey, I've already thought abbout that weirdo. Check THIS out!

(UE goes over to a locker and opens it up. Sitting inside is Gimmickman. UE has dressed him up as Seraph. He sports cropped white hair and one white eyebrow.)

UE: Now Gimmickman, when you speak from now on, I want you to have a very calm and deliberate - almost meditative tone. Never get angry, be very methodical. (UE giggles and looks over at JG who is rolling). I want you to say things like "You don't understand me now but you will one day" and stuff like that. Got it?

(Gimmickman is unresponsive. UE shrugs and pushes him out into the back in his Seraph outfit).

[mooseheadjack]

[Niles Anderson, Attitude Adjuster, Johnny Adrenaline, and Beast are standing in the locker room discussing women, weather, and the upcoming Territorial Beatings PPV.]

JA: Man, that was pure genius, A.C. A feather?? A freaking feather??

AA: Actually, that was Beast's idea. Ain't that right, big man?

[Beast snarls and grunts, then explodes thru the locker room wall, exposing the ladies locker room, where several SFJ's are in towels and HOLY SHIT, THERE'S BOOBIES ON OOWF TV! Camera quickly cuts back to Adrenaline, gawking at the scene unfolding behind the hole in the wall.]

AA: So anyway, it was good, wasn't it?

NA: You wanna know what was good? Seeing nearly the entire damn roster getting put on its ass where they belong. It's about time that The Specimen, Niles Anderson, the OOWF Champion, gets some respect around here! This Sunday, I'm walking IN to Yellowknife with this title, and I'm walking OUT of Yellowknife with this title!

AA: Indeed you are, champ. Go see if Naitch is set up yet. You deserve a sandwich. [Niles leaves.] And Johnny... Johnny, quit staring at the girls, man. What are we gonna do about this cage match Sunday?

JA: I don't know... the usual. Brass knuckles. Golf clubs. You still got that loaded glove?

AA: I'm sure it's buried down in my bag somewhere.

JA: Pepper spray. Roll of quarters. Ether soaked rag...

AA: I think my ether's about out.

JA: Is there a drug store around here anywhere?

AA: No, but there's this medicine man dealing some serious shit about two blocks down.

JA: Well, let's go then.

AA: Hey, let's grab a...

JA: I know, we'll get some on our way out.

[Fade to black.]

[mooseheadjack]

**Eric O’ Mac and L.D. Williams are watching Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster on a monitor**

EOM: “Looks like they're bringing everything but the kitchen sink.”

LD: “Yep”

EOM: “I guess we should gather some weapons of our own.”

LD: “Nope.”

EOM: “I get it! We’re gonna prove our superiority over Johnny and AA by out-wrestling them despite their use of weapons.”

LD: “Actually, I just figured we’d let them do the heavy work. They can lug all that crap to the ring, then we’ll take it away and beat the tar out of them with it.”

EOM: “Niiiiice.”

LD: “Thought you’d like it. Now, let’s go find Moose. We’ve got plans to make.”

[mooseheadjack]

As Johnny and AA are walking out of the arena, AA suddenly scoots around the corner. We hear a lot of metallic clanging and banging.

JA: Hey, AA, are you OK?

AA: Yep, hang on just one second. Just...about...got...it.

Camera stays on JA, who suddenly has a surprised look on his face. He then bursts into laughter. The camera pans to AA, who is holding a kitchen sink, the plumbing dangling from the bottom.

AA: Let LD and Eric O'Mac top this! We're bringing everything AND the kitchen sink!

[mooseheadjack]

Corax walks into The Devil's Brigade locker room, and sees O'neil and Harper bent over a table furiously working on something. There is blood on the table.

Corax: what in the BLUE HELL are you too doing?!?

Harper (with out turning to face Corax): just getting a little somethign ready for our match with those wCw punks....

Corax: and what on god green earth would cause blood to be all over the table?

Tommy turns around and holds the objects so Corax can see them but the camera can't: dees pretty little tings...

Corax: holy shit....jesus guys....you're goin to kill them!

Tommy: and ya point is?

Corax: i'm glad i'm on your side cause you guys are defintiley a couple of twisted motherfu**ers

Harper, with a huge grin: yeah ain't it cool?

[mooseheadjack]

Dr. Murder is standing in a parking lot in somewhere, Unknown.

"Mikey, I got disqualified last week. You're damn lucky it happened, because I was about to pin your fatter-than-Fat-Albert ass. I got you lined up for my next appointment. Next time we fight, no next time I demolish you, i'm removing your kidneys with the DOA. You're getting some lipo next time you see me, cause i'll kick the fat off your face. I dont make excuses and I dont use laughing gas. Deal with it."

[mooseheadjack]

[Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are walking along the street when they come across this rough looking, older fellow, tending to his two horses and wooden Conestoga-like wagon on the corner of the Canadian wilderness town.]

AA: You the medicine man?

MM: That would be me. What can I get you boys? Some bandages? Some Indian elixir? Just a bowl of soup?

JA: You got some ether we can get?

MM: Ether? What are a couple of lads like you doing looking for ether?

AA: Um...

JA: Uh...

AA: To cook with!

JA: Yeah! It makes a great substitute for vegetable oil.

MM: [looks at them funny] No, hold on a minute. I know you two guys.

JA: You do?

MM: Yeah, you're that Johnny Abdomen guy...

JA: That's Adrenaline, sir.

MM: And you... well, you got some kind of initials...

AA: That would be an A and another A after that.

MM: You're the guy from the Quizno's commercial, aren't ya?

AA: [gets a proud smirk on his face] As a matter of fact I am!

JA: You Canucks get cable up here?

MM: Yes we do. I don't ever miss a episode of that Midweek Maiming.

AA: Good, that means we can be straight up with you. We need some ether so we can take this rag [pulls out a rag], soak it, and suffocate some poor saps into unconsciousness. Can you help us out?

MM: Well, you came to the right place. Ya see, I used to sell all the heels of Stampede Wrestling their weapons before they had their big matches. But since it went under all those years ago, I've kinda had a surplus.

JA: Well sir, we'll be GLAD to help clear up your inventory.

MM: [starts pulling stuff out of his wagon] I got some handcuffs...

AA: Got that.

MM: ... a cowboy boot...

JA: You got one of those right?

AA: It's in the car.

MM: ...a nightstick...

AA: Check.

MM: ...barbed wire 2x4? You know these are illegal up our way if you have a lot of wire...

AA: Got it.

MM: ...a woman's high heeled shoe...

JA: Hey, I got one of those! [AA shoots him a weird look.]

MM: ...one of these here Kendo sticks...

AA: Got it.

MM: ...a 90 kph speed limit sign...

JA: You got the American equivalent, right?

AA: Yeah...

MM: You already got all this stuff?

JA: Oh yeah, you're dealing with experts here.

MM: You got a lead pipe?

AA: Yep, in other bag.

MM: Baseball bat?

JA: Oh, that's actually still in Niles' bag. I gotta get it back.

MM: Seems like you boys got everything but the kitchen sink.

AA: Got that, too. [Holds up sink.]

MM: What did you boys say you needed again?

JA: Ether. We got the rag. We just need the ether.

MM: Oh, I know I got some of that around here somewhere. [digs around as AA and JA are getting restless] Ah, here it is. Ether.

JA: Let me see that. [snatches bottle away from the medicine man and sniffs it] Oh yeah, that's it.

AA: Pour it on here and let's see if it absorbs properly. [Johnny pours it on the rag and AA weighs the rag.] Oh yeah, that's just right.

[AA, using the rag, slaps THE CLAW~! on the medicine man's face and he quickly goes out.]

JA: That was easy.

AA: I don't have time to go thru all this stuff right now, but I don't wanna just leave it here.

JA: You know how to ride a horse?

AA: Huh?

JA: I'm just sayin, we could take the wagon back to the arena and go thru it there.

AA: I can't ride no damn horse.

JA: Well, I can't either.

AA: Well...?

JA: It's either go thru it now, leave it here, or ride back to the arena.

AA: [sigh] F*** it, let's do this.

[AA and JA hop on the horses as we fade to black.]

[mooseheadjack]

With Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster at the medicine man, Niles is by himself in his locker room, admiring his belt when Donovan Viper walks up to him.


DV: So, you thought you could get rid of me, didn't you Niles?

NA: I don't know what you're talking about, Viper.

DV: Oh, don't play stupid with me, Anderson. I've done the masks and dressed in black game before. Don't even think that I don't know what your game is.

NA: Heh. If I recall, you've held this championship before, yes? In fact, I'm the man who TOOK this title from you, correct?

DV: Fuck you.

NA: After holding this gold, and knowing that you've held this title before, I know it's going to take a lot more than a vicious beatdown to merely get rid of you. As long as I have this belt, I know you'll be eyeing me all the time. And not in the way you do with Hardbody Harris.

DV: Fuck you again.

NA: That's what I thought. Now if you don't mind, I have some training to do. I mean, I'm facing off against all three of the former OOWF World Champions. It may be a free for all 4 way match, but I know that for three other wrestlers, I'm the big target at this match. Even for a specimen like myself, it'll be a tough job to hold on to this title. But rest assured, Viper. I will remain World Champion.

DV: We'll see about that. But you know, you're right about one thing.

NA: What's that?

DV: You are a target.

As Viper leaves Niles' locker room, three men dressed in black with masks rush Niles and attack him. Niles is thrown to the lockers, and is beaten mercilessly by a flurry of fists, boots, chains, and his own title belt. The three masked men run off as Niles is laying unconcious in a pool of his own blood.

[mooseheadjack]

Johnny and AA tie up their horses to a post outside the arena and stroll inside, gloating over their beatdown of a very old medicine man when they happen upon Niles, just coming to in the locker room.

AA: Niles, what the hell happened man?

NA: All I know is that while you two were out... is that manure I smell?

AA: Johnny, you didn't...

JA: [looks at his shoes and sees some horse shit] Damn it! This is a $400 pair of shoes! Shit!

AA: No kidding.

NA: ...Anyway, Viper was running his mouth and next thing I know, bam! Some guys in masks laid me out.

AA: Hey that's our...! [sees camera filming] I mean, I mean they got you, too??

JA: [shaking his head] I don't believe this.

AA: We gotta get The Rick to do something about this.

JA: Ya know, champ, we got some stuff out in the wagon that might heal that nasty cut on your head.

NA: Wagon?

AA: It's a long story...

[Fade to black.]

[mooseheadjack]

<Moosehead Jack is leaving the Nunavut Arena carrying his bag over one shoulder when he gomes upon Niles, Johnny and Attitude>

Niles: Hold up, look it's Moose, didn't I warn you to stay out of my way?

MHJ: Yeah I heard something like that, you talk so much shit lately it's hard to keep it all seperate.

Johnny: Hey Niles, didn't you say the guys that jumped you were all dressed in black?

NA: Yeah so....<Niles looks Moose up and down, Black boots, black jeans, a black shirt with a black jacket, and in his hand, Jack carries a black ski cap>

NA: Uh huh, so what's the deal Jack, all dressed in black, just like the guys who jumped me. You wouldn't know anything about that now would you <Johnny and AA close in>

MHJ: First of all, call off the Bitch Boys, second of all, I didn't jump you, if I wantedto beat your ass, I would do it face to face. Damn son, get a grip, you know I always wear black.

AA: What about the ski cap then Mr. Smart Guy?

MHJ: It's freaking cold out there, have you beein outside? It's like 40 degrees out there.

JA: Well I happen to know that in Yellowknife it is 66 American degrees.

MHJ: Huh, well then. Guess I won't be needing this anymore. <Jack tosses the hat to Niles and turns to leave, before he does Jack gives this warning.> Oh, and Niles, that stunt you pulled at Mayhem, you know showing Concrete the footage of Semaj's car explosion, <stepping closer> I warned you to stay out of my business. Keep pushing me, you won't like the results, trust me.

<Jack walks away, Niles glares at him as he leaves. After a few seconds, Niles looks at the ski cap that Jack handed Niles, on it is blood, blood that looks fresh. Niles screams in anger and throws the ski cap to the ground and storms off>

[mooseheadjack]

*Close-up of Hardbeast lying on a table. You can hear some slightly familiar sounds going in the background, but all you can see is Beast's face.*

Beast: So I says, I says "Rectum? Damn near killed him! And everybody just died! Isn't that hilarious?

Off-camera person: Oh, yeah. That's rich. Chicks dig jokes.

Beast: Yeah. I can't believe I made that up on the spot. Rectum! Gold. How much longer?

OCP: Oh, another two minutes or so. The chicks will certainly dig this.

Beast: Good. You know, I thought this would hurt a lot, but it actually kind of tickles. Too bad I won't get a chance to do this again for awhile.

OCP: Why not? Chicks dig tattoos.

Beast: I don't. They're so tacky. Plus my mom would KILL me.

OCP: Then why are you getting a tattoo right now WITH THIS VERY INK? Chicks dig the ink.

Beast: It's a long story. You ever see Freaky Friday?

OCP: Oh yeah. I never miss Jamie Lee Curtis. The head of my penis is a tattoo of Michael Myers from Halloween.

Beast: That gives a whole new meaning to the term "Slasher."

OCP: Oh yeah. Chicks dig it.

Beast: I bet. Well, speaking of Freaky Friday, this guy I'm wrestling and I kind of switched bodies. He's me, and I'm him. It's pretty weird. This body takes the biggest dumps.

OCP: I'm not surprised. I was actually wondering who this "Hardbody" guy is. Anyway, I'm done. I think the chicks'll dig it.

Beast: Awesome! I'll make sure not to put any ointment on it so it becomes infected. Tattoo scarring is attractive.

OCP: Oh yeah. Chicks dig scars. Pleasure to be of service. Hey, can you do me a favor?

Beast: What's that?

OCP (grabs a shovel): Can you take me over to the cemetary?

Beast: It's on my way. Why?

OCP: Chick digging.

Beast: Why not! Hop in!

*The man, the shovel, and The Beast walk out the door. On Beast's shirtless back, in fresh pink and blue ink, are giant cloud-shaped letters that say, "Hardbody Harris is the SUPERIOR WRESTLER."

[mooseheadjack]

*The Rick is in his office, enjoying his whiskey, when a gentle knock is heard at his door.*

TR - Come in.

*Niles comes in, hands behind his back, with a phony looking smile on his face. He extends one of his hands to The Rick.*

Niles - I don't believe we've formally met yet. As you're probably well aware, I'm your world champion. The name is Niles Anderson.

*The Rick ignores the handshake gesture and takes a sip from his flash, eyeing Niles suspiciously. The flask lowers from his mouth but his eyes remain locked on Niles the entire time.*

TR - And you want?

Niles <pulling back his hand> - 100PJ, my friend. 100% Pure Justice. See, as you can tell from my demeanor, I've suffered an attack from those awful brutes behind the Bludgeoning. 3 masked men attacked me in my lockerroom today after I had a brief interchange with that suspicious... how would you put it?

TR - Douchebag.

Niles - yes, the Douchebag Donnie Viper. Unfortunately, he was not around to see the attack or else my name would've been cleared in his eyes.

TR - You know, you're so full of shit, it's seeping out your pores. Do you have a point to this whole spiel?

*Niles phony smile turns into agitation. He looks as if he's about to lash out at The Rick, but quickly restrains himself.*

Niles - Fine, I'll get to the point.

*Niles chucks a bloody ski-mask on The Ricks desk.*

TR - What the hell is this?

Niles - I got this from Moosehead Jack, shortly after I was attacked. Almost IMMEDIATELY after I was attacked. Now I'm not one to point fingers, but all this talk of me being behind the sudden wave of attacks seems a little ridiculous in light of this new evidence.

TR - Get out of my office.

Niles - On my way, "boss". But in case you doubt me, you're talking to a guy who knows Moose pretty well. We fought alongside each other. And need I remind you that he does have a history of violence in the fed. Extremely bloody violence at that.

TR - GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!

*Niles backs off and leaves at this point. He has a smirk on his face the whole time. After he leaves, The Rick reopens his flask and takes a long drink. After he reseals the flask, he eyes the bloody ski-mask suspiciously. He then goes to his filing cabinet and pulls out the folder on Moosehead Jack. Fade to Black.*

[mooseheadjack]

*underdawg is standing around, looking mysterious. hardbody harris comes crawling into frame. he's on the ground and pulling himself foward as his legs are completely limp*

HH: hey underDOOFUS!

UD: hmm?

HH: down here!

UD: why are you on the ground?

HH: i broke both my legs! in FOUR places!

UD: why would you do that?

HH: i have a match against the beast this sunday. him being such a SUPERIOR WRESTLER than me, i definitely dont want to get in the ring with him. i figure now that i'm injured - AND BOY AM I INJURED - they'll HAVE to cancel the match. i mean look at me! i'll be out for MONTHS!

UD: seems a bit extreme.

HH: well come on! this is the beast we're talking about here. you'd have to be a fool to get in the ring with a physical specimen such as that!

UD: doesn't breaking both your legs hurt anyway?

HH: oh, it's EXCRICIATING! but the kind of hurt a man like beast puts you in goes far beyond physical pain. i mean, when the neast is done with you, you're just a broken, beaten man. in all aspects. i dont want any part of that.

UD: ok.

HH: now, if it were YOU i was wrestling, that'd be a different story...

UD: what?

HH: oh sure. you i could beat even in this broken down state.

UD: why are you--

HH: seriously! i mean, i'm the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF, while you're just the #1 FLEABAG IN THE OOWF!

UD: i know what you're try--

HH: and where were you when you just disappeared those many months ago? were you sent to one of those dog training school thingies cause you weren't house-broken and you kept shitting inside?

UD: listen, i know that you're--

HH: and was that a pooper scooper i saw in your locker room?

UD: you're getting on my nerves.

HH: that's not a worry. i, hardbody harris, would never be scared of a pup such as you. hell, all i'd have to do is give you a tap in the nose with a newspaper and you'd learn your lesson. nah, i'll have n problem getting in the ring with you anyday.

*underdawg steps on hardbody's head to shut him up, and leans in closer to talk.*

UD: don't worry. you just might get that chance.

*hardbody smiles then crawls off screen.*



(fade)

[mooseheadjack]

Johnny Adrenaline, and Attitude Adjuster are walking.

AA: So you think Niles will get The Rick to figure things out?

JA: I doubt it. Hey, Alan, I'll meet up with you in a bit. I gotta go call my sister. It's her birthday.

AA: You have a sister? Is she hot?

JA: Actually, fat as a whale.

AA: Even better!

JA: She's married. Anyways, I'll be back, ok?

AA: Yeah.

Johnny Adrenaline walks over to The Devil's Brigade's locker room.

JA: Donnie?

DV: What do you want?

JA: Hey man. You know anything about those three guys who jumped Niles?

DV: Not a thing.

JA: C'mon man, don't do that man. We're buddies, right? I'll be cool with whoever it is. I know you and Moose always had that respect thing going on. But... Hey, it wouldn't happen to be the other three guys in your Brigade, would it? I mean, they are a tough bunch of guys you assembled.

DV: We're buddies?

JA: Yeah, man. We are. Remember our days as champs?

DV: Yeah. I do remember those days. You used to be your own man back then.

JA: Yeah I was the man back then... Oh, wait. My own man? Hey! That's a cheapshot. Me and Niles, we're equals.

DV: You can let yourself believe that if you want to. I may not be champion anymore, but at least I still want it. You're content just hanging around someone with gold now, rather than getting your own.

JA: ....

DV: And you want to talk about cheap shots, BUDDY? I don't recall you being such a buddy during your that little cheapshot bludgening the other day.

JA: Uh, I, uh, dunno what you're talking about bro.

DV: Don't bro me, asshole. There was a time when I respected you. Considered you my equal. I thought at one time that maybe you and I could one day team up and wreck havok to the tag team division. But now look at you. Now you're just a two bit punk. A lackey. A tag-along. A joke.

JA: So you're not gonna tell me who jumped Niles?

DV: Get the fuck out of my face, Johnny.

JA: Ok, fine then. Sheesh.

As Johnny walks away from the Brigade's locker room, Moosehead Jack walks towrads him.

JA: I thought you were leaving the arena.

Moosehead says nothing, and gives Johnny the evil eye as he walks past Johnny. Johnny looks back as Moosehead walks up to the Brigade door. Viper opens, they exchange a few words inaudible to Johnny and the camera as Viper lets Moosehead in and shuts the door.

JA: Well, I'll be.....

[mooseheadjack]

*Beast is leaning against a wall looking all cool and stuff. He's drinking a Slurpee, which makes him even cooler. The camera pans back and you can see that he's giving bedroom eyes to a 40-something hefty blonde lady, and he's obviously flirting.*

Middle-Aged Woman: Thanks for the job. I really needed the money.

Beast: Hey, anything for you. You'll be terriffic at it.

Middle-Aged Woman: I just hope I'm good at it. All the other interviewers are so much sexier than I am.

Beast: Oh, you're sexy enough. I like your boobs better than anyone's I've ever put my mouth around. Really.

Middle-Aged Woman: BEAST??!!

Beast: Look, I know you and I go way back, and this is probably a bit strange, but haven't you ever thought of it just once? You and I?

Middle-Aged Woman: This is unbelievable...what will Monster think?

Beast (shooshing her with a finger): Don't think about my brother. It's just us. You remember my little guy, don't you?

*Beast takes the woman's hand and puts it over his pants. Judging by the look in her eyes, THE BEAST POPS OUT!*

Middle-Aged Woman: Oh, Beast, I don't know what to think...

Beast: Don't think. Just feel. Just love. It's about time we spend some quality time together.

*Beast takes her hand, leads her to the nearest door, and guides her in. The door is shut. Moments later, a man in a shirt and tie comes walking up.*

SuitGuy: Hey, has anyone seen Beast's mom? She never signed her contract.

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris is leaning against a wall looking all cool and stuff. He's drinking a Zima, which makes him even cooler. The camera pans back and you can see that he's giving bedroom eyes to a Feivel, and he's obviously flirting.*

F: Thanks for the job. I really needed the money.

HH: Hey, anything for you. You'll be terriffic at it.

F: I just hope I'm good at it. All the other interviewers are so much sexier than I am.

HH: Oh, you're sexy enough. I like your boobs better than anyone's I've ever put my mouth around. Really.

F: MR. HARDBODY??!!

HH: Look, I know you and I go way back, and this is probably a bit strange, but haven't you ever thought of it just once? You and I?

F: This is unbelievable...what will the woman mouse i met in the lunchroom think?

HH (shooshing him with a finger): Don't think about her. It's just us. You remember my little guy, don't you?

*Hardbody takes the mouse's hand and puts it over his pants. Judging by the look in his eyes, he sporting the #1 ERECTION IN THE OOWF!*

F: Oh, Mr. Hardbody, I don't know what to think...

HH: Don't think. Just feel. Just love. It's about time we spend some quality time together.

*Hardbody takes his hand, crawls to the nearest door, and guides Feivel in. The door is shut. Moments later, a man in a shirt and tie comes walking up.*

SuitGuy: Hey, has anyone seen that little mouse? Jeez, no one's signing their contracts today...

[Edited on 7-29-2005 by Operation Retard]

[mooseheadjack]

Firechild comes out to the ring, to new, sedate entrance music (Lady of Dreams by VAST) dressed in white slacks, with a white drawstring shirt on (see Christian's wardrobe dept.) his hair, neatly combed, falling across his shoulders, very prophet like.

---
FC: It seems that everyone is somewhat, perturbed by what has been happening recently. My....distancing myself from the 3PS. My laying down for Seraph. My allowing wCw to beat me.
I know thast this seems out of character, and for a professional wrestler downright....odd, but I ask all of your patience and forbearance, unlike that displayed by my supposed brethren Ax & Cole. There is method in in my madness, and eventually you will understand.

For the path to glory is not stained with the blood of the lamb, but is lined with the righteous tenets of love and forgiveness, and only a patient and wise man will see the true fruit of his labours. And I WILL see the fruit of mine.

You may ask, why I have suffered degredation, loss and pain in recent weeks. True satisfaction can only gained through sacrifice, Propitiation, as Seraph has taught me is indeed the way forward, and by its fire shall I be cleansed and made worthy.

I lament that my brothers Ax & Cole do not appreciate this, and that they hold to demeaning and self defeatist practises. They complain about not receiving title shots, but forget that it is because they are not TRULy worthy.

Gimmickman. You may think that I will allow you an easy victory at Territorial Beatings. This is not so. In an Onslaught rules match, I am free to use my skill against yours in the spirit of free competition unencumbered by the temptation of duplicity or needless violence, and will do so to the best of my ability, and should I prove victorious, so be it.

---

At this, Seraph's blinding entrance occurs and he comes out, holds Firechild's head in his hands and leads his acolyte to the back.

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan frowns as he enters the locker room.

"Hey JW. You spoken to Thim lately?"

"Not really, why?"

Capellan shrugs,

"Not sure. He stopped by earlier and there was just something about the way he was acting. He came across a little ..."

"Heelish?"

"Yeah."

Wilder enters,

"Hey guys, what's up?"

"Cap thinks Thim might be a heel."

"Thim has heels?" Wilder smirks, "I thought that was more Viper's style - not that there's anything wrong with that."

Capellan and JW rolls their eyes as Tommy continues,

"I guess I can see where you guys are coming from. His sudden run of success with a brand new finisher. His unnatural attachment to that armband of his. The cocky new demeanor. Why, only a bunch of scripted-for-TV babyface idiots wouldn't notice the signs of imminent betrayal."

There's a momentary pause as wCw look at each other.

"So. Big match with Thim!" Capellan slaps his fists together, "A chance to get my title back from a competitor I can respect as a true and worthy opponent!"

[mooseheadjack]

AA and JA are chatting in the locker room.

AA: So Thim's turning heel, huh?

JA: Looks pretty obvious to me.

AA: Yeah, me too. Think anyone else realizes?

JA: Nah. Good thing we have that chickenshit heel thing going on. Why is it we're the smartest guys in the company and yet everyone thinks we're dumbasses?

JA and AA are interrupted by a mysterious knock on the door.

JA: Who's there?

Muffled Voice: Plumber.

JA: Plumber? We didn't ask for a plumber. Who is it?

MV: Telegram.

AA: We don’t accept telegrams. You’re a masked man trying to beat us down. Go away.

MV: Flowers.

JA: Flowers? From whom? Now I know it’s Viper. Go away. (To AA) Man, they really must think we’re stupid.

MV: Plumber.

AA: We know it’s you, Viper.

MV: Candygram.

JA: Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You're Viper, and you know it.

MV: I'm only a jobber.

AA: A jobber? Well…OK.

AA and JA open the door and THE LAND SHARK POPS OUT!!!! The Land Shark attacks JA and AA and drags them into the hallway.

Cameraman voiceover: Oh, like you didn’t see that coming.

[mooseheadjack]

:Originally posted by Attitude Adjuster
AA and JA open the door and THE LAND SHARK POPS OUT!!!! The Land Shark attacks JA and AA and drags them into the hallway.

Cameraman voiceover: Oh, like you didn’t see that coming.

Donovan Viper and Corax are walking down the hall as they see this pass them by:



DV: Ok, Corax. You and I have been here from the beginning. Is that the weirdest thing you've seen here?

Cor: Considering that we've had things like Ric Flair turning into a zombie, an international spy try to kill Moosehead Jack, a robotic alien, a human dog with magic powers, you surviving a helicopter crash, The Beast pop out of a microwave pizza, a guy who calls himself "Dr. Murder", a wrestler with a legion of taxi cab drivers, and Hardbody Harris not only pretend to be the wizard of Oz, but talking to a russian mouse and also being put into a ghost containment unit by Peter Venkman...

Yeah. This is the weirdest thing I've seen. I really never thought I'd see Skeletor here.

[mooseheadjack]

<Jack is seen entering the Yellowknife Sports Arena and Moose Lodge, he barely gets in the door when GM the Rick approaches>

GMtR: Moose! We need to talk, you need to be in my office in five minutes!

<we join GM the Rick in his office, MHJ comes in and slumps into the chair>

MHJ: So, what's on your mind boss?

GMtR: <pulling Jack's hefty file out of a drawer> Ok Jack, why did you do it? Why did you beat down half the roster?

MHJ: What? Rick, do you think I'm stupid? Think about it, why would I wail on all the heavyweight contenders when I am after the tag titles with Concrete. And wouldn't beating down Concrete earn me a suspension? You got the wrong guy this time.

GMtR: Do you think I'm stupid? I was looking over your file and we have nine documented attacks by you since October! And that's not even counting the mayhem you cause on the Pay Per Views and Mayhem!

MHJ: I was provoked.

GMtR: PROVOKED? Provoked enough for three attempted murders? You pinched Harris' breathing tube, and you hung both Concrete and Thim eith chains. How exactly is that provoked? You carved your initials onto Mercury's chest, you abducted Thim Reynolds. Why should I thin you wouldn't dress in black and attack everyone.

MHJ: Cause that's not how I work, when I attack someone they will know it was me, I don't need to dress up

GMtR: Then would you care to explain the report from November 3rd that says you dressed up like a homeless person and attacked Brad Smoley?

MHJ: I wasn't dressed up, I was broke, I hadn't gotten my OOWF pay check yet.

GMtR: They can you explain why you had the ski cap with what appeared to be Niles Anderson's blood all over it?

MHJ: Sure, I found it in the hall, I didn't have one, so I took it. It's damn cold in Nunavut.

GMtR: Jack I will be watching you, if I find out you were behind the attacks, or part of the attacks, there will be hell to pay.

MHJ: Watch all you want, you are looking at the wrong guy, everyone knows it was Niles Anderson

GMtR: <yelling> NILES ANDERSON DID NOT ATTACK HIMSELF!

MHJ: Maybe not, or maybe it was his Bitch Boy buddies, either way, it wasn't me. We done here?

GMtR: <putting his head in his hands and rubbing his temples> Just get out of here

[mooseheadjack]

[After successfully fending off the Land Shark, presumably using an ether-soaked rag, Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline stumble upon the general manager's office, where from behind the closed door, they can hear a heated debate. They put their ears up to the doors to get a better listen. They quickly back away from the door moments before the door opens, and Moosehead Jack steps out.]

AA: Bitch boy buddies, huh?

JA: Yeah, Moose. I thought you were above that name calling stuff.

AA: Johnny, how bout we show this chump who the REAL BITCH is?

MHJ: How bout the both of ya shut your damn mouths??

JA: Whatcha gonna do, Moose? Try and take us by yourself.

AA: No, Johnny, he's gonna tell us to trust him. Just watch...

MHJ: Look, anybody with half a brain knows that it was you two clowns and Niles who beat down everybody like a bunch of cowards...

JA: Oh, is that a fact?

AA: Hey, they got HIM, too. How did Niles beat himself down?

MHJ: [chuckles] Of anyone here, you'd be the one to know.

AA: Look asshole...

MHJ: No, you look! I KNOW you two had something to do with Concrete and everyone else getting busted up. I just don't have any solid evidence. But when I find it, you two and your little paper champion are gonna pay the price.

[Moose walks away]

JA: Are we supposed to trust you on that, Moose?

AA: Damn, he didn't say it...

[Johnny and Attitude shrug and walk away in the other direction.]