OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 01-11-06

[mooseheadjack]

<The Camera cuts to GM the Rick’s office, he has his head in his hands and is slowly shaking his head in frustration. Across from him sitting with an evil grin on his face is Moosehead Jack>

GMtR: Moose, I cannot even begin to count the number of ways this is a bad idea…there is no way they will go for it.

MHJ: They don’t have a choice if you say so. Beside, after what Niles did to me, I think I deserve this. And you know I hate them both.

GMtR: That is what I am worried about……<after a long pause> Fine. But I will be watching – closely. You step out of line on this one, and there are gonna be consequences.

MHJ: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t regret this Rick, trust me.

<GM the Rick jots something on a sheet of paper, then hands it to Jack>

GMtR: Trust you? Not a chance, post this on your way out. GO!

<MHJ walks out the door, and walks right into Niles Anderson . Niles has the title slung over his shoulder and a cocky grin on his face>

NA: Well well well. Moosehead Jack. You in offering Rick your resignation? Or are you gonna stick around and get humiliated by me some more?

<MHJ doesn’t say anything, he just looks at the booking sheet>

NA: What’s that? Next week’s lineup? Do I get to kick your ass again next week?

MHJ: No, Niles, you get Concrete

NA: HA! Crete. I beat his ass once already, that will be an easy win. Figures you are already out of the picture Jack, yesterday’s news. Maybe you can slum the mid-card and feud with that Mishra guy.

MHJ: Oh no Niles, I will be there for your match…..as the special guest referee. <Niles stands there stunned, his jaw drops> How’s that for fun? Jack pats Niles on the shoulder and walks away.

***************************

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem!
Live From Tittybong, Australia!

OOWF World Heavyweight Championship Match – Moosehead Jack as Special Guest Referee[/u]
Niles Anderson vs. Concrete TG

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
LD Williams vs. Capellan

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
wCw vs. The Team From Down Under

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Eric O’Mac vs. Austraroo

Match 2 of the Best of Seven – Stips TBA[/u]
Corax vs. Thim Reynolds

Hardbody Harris vs. Donovan Viper
Chris Cole vs. Siriram
Phil vs. Microplay
Shashwat Mishra vs. Moosehead Jack
Chris Alt vs. Uncle Entity vs. Seraph
Mercury vs. Mr. Jealous
Justin Sane vs. SoulDragon
Firechild vs. Canadian Dragon
The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Devil’s Brigade
Drink & Destroy vs. The Black Dawgs

Card subject to poltergeist activity

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster look at the lineup sheet outside the Rick's office.]

JA: When the hell are we gonna get a tag team title shot?

The Rick: [from inside the office] WHENEVER YOU BRING THAT SHITTY RECORD UP!

AA: ...

JA: ...

AA: Yeah, but we still have our heat.

JA: Good point. But that gold would look good around this 34 inch waist.

AA: This one, too.

JA: You have a 34 inch waist?

AA: Yeah.

JA: I'll take your word on it. Come on, let's go cut a promo on the Brigade.

JCK: Can ya'll squeeze me into it somewhere?

AA: We'll do our best, but no promises.

[fade to black]

[mooseheadjack]

*** Inside of The Devil's Brigade locker room Harper Camby is alone. He reaches into his gym bag and pulls out a syringe. He pulls down his pants.

HC: Now all you pussies are going to die.

***Harper injects himself in the ass and Tommy O'Neil walks in.

TO: What de fek ar ya doin?

HC: (pulls his pants up) I'm taking my allergy medicine. Yuo know how bad the pollen gets this time of year.

TO: Ay ne'er evin sin ya nus runin. I 'op ya no what ye doin.

HC: Enough about me. Let's focus on wrestling. Especially about destroying Adrenaline and Double A.

TO: Aye nid a drenk.

HC: I'll catch up with you later then. I'm going to pump some iron and run a couple of miles with a tree trunk tied to my back.

***Tommy walks out shaking his head.

HC: (flexing his muscles) I'm going to KILL THOSE MOTHER F**KERS!!!

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline and flipping through OOWF-TV and see the latest Harper Camby promo.

AA: Does Harper know that in Australia they random secret urine drug tests of all sports entertainment superstars for steroids? And that a positive test might result in jail time?

JA: I doubt Harper does. Heck, I didn't know that. How do you know? It's pretty obvious you don't do 'roids.

AA: Hey! But I'll let that slide this time because I'm cutting a cool promo. Who said I knew that there was random steroid testing in Australia? I just asked if Harper knew...

JA: I think I know where you're going with this...

AA: I think I need to call my lawyer for some official sounding letterhead.

[mooseheadjack]

[As the promo finishes, the camera pans to the left of the original shot, where Jesus C. Kidneypuncher stands idly.]

JCK: I thought you were gonna squeeze me in.

AA: We'll get you in, okay? Don't rush art, my friend.

JA: Yeah, and in the meantime, go punch some kidneys... or visit Niles or something.

JCK: Whose kidneys you want punched?

AA: O'Neil?

JA: Yeah, go find O'Neil, but don't let him punch you first.

JCK: Okay. [Jesus leaves.]

AA: We're too nice, Johnny, letting him tag along with us.

JA: Yeah, but one of these days, he'll come in handy. Besides, it makes me feel good by letting someone so uncool hang with us. Like we're doing our good deed for the day or something.

AA: Ixnay the oodgay eedday talk. We're heels remember?

JA: Oh, I know. It says so here on my tights. But even heels are nice to heels on occasion.

AA: Not this week. Come on, let's go get Camby in trouble.

JA: Did you get the message Capslock left you?

AA: Huh? What message?

JA: About drinking again? I think he has a crush on you.

DV: I AM NOT A HOMO!

JA: I know you're not, Donnie.

RF: HE'S NOT A HOMO!! I'm NOT A HOMO! I'M ANYTHING BUT A HOMO!

AA: Naitch, good to see you, buddy. Sorry about the other day with Drink and Destroy.

RF: IT'S OKAY, PARTNER! I TOOK HER TO SPACE MOUNTAIN ALL NIGHT LONG BIG DADDY!

AA: You mean you really did have sex with SFJ #5?

RF: YOU BET YOUR ASS FAT BOY!

JA: He sure told you... [pokes at AA's gut]... fat boy!

[fade to black]

[mooseheadjack]

<Moosehead Jack sits in a dark room lit only by a single bulb. Intense silence penetrates the screen for several seconds before Jack finally speaks>

A wise man once said it is wise to keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. I have put myself in an interesting position at MidWeek Mayhem. My enemies are being rather quiet about it all so let me explain.

See, I went to GM the Rick and asked to be the referee in the match. It was my idea, so before either of you get the idea that Rick is somehow punishing me, let me clear that notion up for you. Now, I know you are wondering, why? Why would Moosehead Jack, possibly the most lawless man in the OOWF, someone who has no use for the rules whatsoever want to be the referee?

It is really very simple. Niles, Concrete, I want a front row seat, hell I want more than that, I want to be in the ring and watch you two destroy each other. Like Nero in the Coliseum, I want to watch two gladiators massacre one another. I want to be front and center to taste the blood, to hear the screams, to see the agony etched on your faces. It will be a glorious thing to behold. Niles, since you seem to have had a revival of faith – and exposed yourself as the false prophet we all knew you were, I think of you as the Christian, in the center of the ring. Which of course makes Concrete the lion. You may well remember Niles, the Christians did not fare too well against the fierce creatures. And then there is Moosehead Jack. Essentially I am the emperor on high. I get to decide which one of you makes it, only instead of the thumbs up or thumbs down, all I have to do is slap the canvas three times. Both of you, all you hold dear in this business, rests in my hands. Your fate lies in my hands.

So, who will it be? In Niles there is a man that I know I can defeat anytime I choose. Niles you are a desperate man, clinging to the title, and your career in a futile attempt to prove you are better than me. See Niles, this is quite a game we have played. You managed to get the first shots in, but as always, you played your hand too soon. You have given it all you have, and not only am I standing, Concrete is standing as well. The demise of Niles Anderson is written in stone, it is all just a matter of when and where it happens. It could be this week at MidWeek Mayhem.

And then there is Concrete TG, my great nemesis. Crete we started a game over a year ago. It is time to finish it. I have the fortunate position of keeping you, once again, from the thing you value most – the world heavyweight title. I have told you this before, you will never, NEVER win that title so long as I have a breath in my body.

So what to do, what to do? I guess you will both have to wait until Wednesday to find out what I have in mind.

Now, before I forget, there is another matter I have to address. Shashwat Mishra. I have said it before, I know you, I know what you are capable of. You thought you were pulling one over on my by going after LJ Bennett and his family. You thought that was my niece? Had you done your homework, you would have known that I don’t have any family. So that tells me something about you, you are certainly a dangerous man, you are capable of mayhem in the ring that most people only dream of. You are capable of acts of brutality that would turn most men’s stomachs. But it also tells me that you are not nearly as cunning as you think you are. See Mishra, that kind of terror attack may work on some of the guys here in the OOWF, it may send men like Johnny Adrenaline or Attitude Adjuster cowering for cover. But not me. I expected you to know that. Mishra, you can attack me, you can bloody me, you can never, NEVER intimidate me. This week we meet in the ring again, I am not asking you, I am demanding that you bring everything in you. I want you to take a few days, sit back and think of the most sadistic acts you can use in a wrestling ring. Then I want you to bring them to Midweek Mayhem, I want you to go to that dark place where few men dare, and I will be there waiting for you. See Mishra, I should thank you, honestly. You are what I need, you are going to be the man that helps Moosehead Jack regain his edge. It is unfortunate that it has to come at your expense, but such are the trials of life.

Trust me.

[mooseheadjack]

Hardbody Harris sits alone in his kitchen, drinking a mug of tea. He’s reading the newspaper and looks surprised when he sees the cameraman.*

HH: Oh, hello. I thought you were still asleep. Would you like some tea? Waffles? Pancakes with Gravy? No? Well, have a seat.

*The cameraman sits down and Hardbody continues to eat a piece of toast. He finishes chewing, then takes a sip of his beverage. He dabs a napkin on the corners of his mouth and begins speaking.*

HH: So, all I hear when I go out, aside from “why are you always wearing your wrestling gear?” and “how is it possible to have an erection during an entire Alias marathon?” is, “Hardbody, why have you been so quiet lately?” That’s a good question.

*Hardbody takes a moment to open up the newspaper to a specific page.*

HH: You might remember me winning the OOWF Title back in September. Yes, one year of blood, semen, and tears culminated in the greatest moment of my life. But then I realized that people are MEAN. It all came to a head when Moosehead Jack kidnapped Fievel and stole him away, costing me the OOWF championship. I never lost it. It was stolen from me.

Since then, I’ve had to reevaluate some things. Priorities and the like. Ironically enough, I know have a losing record. I went from being the winningest wrestler to a sub .500 grappler. So I reevaluated some things. And what I’ve discovered is that the key to everything is here in this newspaper. You ever read the horoscopes? Check them out. They’re pretty accurate and amazingly detailed.

For Chris Alt: “You are blessed with the #1 BEST FRIEND IN THE OOWF. Keep reaching for that IC title. However, don’t be corrupted by those who wish to turn you.” Hmm. I’ll keep that in mind.

For Microplay: “You’re a bitch who doesn’t deserve to ever sniff the OOWF title ever again. Also: change your shorts.” Quite accurate.

For Donovan Viper: “You drove Hardbody away once, but he’s coming back with a vengeance and beating you at Midweek Mayhem. Also, you are a homo. Get over it.” Ha, see…

*There’s a knock at the door and Hardbody goes to open it. There’s a newspaper on the doorstep, and the headline reads “I AM NOT A HOMO.”*

HH: Well, that went to press fast. Let me continue.Ah, here’s mine.

For Hardbody Harris: You are the best EVER! You will win your match against Viper, and when Dance of Death rolls around, you’ll be a top contender. In that match, you’ll reclaim the title and never, ever lose it again. Then you will have lots of sexual relations and own your own Dairy Queen where Dilly Bars are given away to children for free. Also, please go out with me.”

*Harris shuts the paper and looks at the camera.*

HH: My New Year’s resolution? I vow to DO MY TAXES ON TIME! I don’t care if H and R Block is more expensive, they do a go…oh. Wrong promo. *ahem* I’m not losing again for a long time. Capellan. Moose. Niles. Whomever stands in my way is going to be pinned by me in a deciding fashion so I can regain the OOWF title in an exciting match. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

[mooseheadjack]

(CTG is working out with a set of resistance bands in his hotel room. He finishes a few reps and flops on the bed, shaking his head out a little)

It looks like I've been handed an opportunity - and one that may still be worth the effort despite anything that Moose says.

The Rick is gonna be breathing down your neck, Moose - making sure you remember how to call things down the middle. I know you don't want me to wear the OOWF title, but you lack the insane cheating SKILLZ of the late, great Eddie Guererro. If I win, I hope you ARE there as the referee, just so I can watch you choke on your own bile while you count 3 when I pin Niles to the mat.

Which reminds me, "Champ" - just so you know, there are few atheists in the squared circle. You might want to say a little prayer - for your personal safety.

(CTG takes one set of the resistance bands and stretches it out as far as he can)

Because this is a Championship match - I will be stretching my abilities to their limit, and I would hope, Niles, you would do the same.

And we will fight - until THIS happens

(CTG lets the resistance band fly across the hotel room and inbed in the back of the main door)

....and one of us walks away OOWF champion.

Moose, trust ME - Rick will be watching you like a hawk.

And Niles - pray.

[mooseheadjack]

*Sexy Female Journalist #29 is sitting cautiously on a ladder beside Canadian Dragon.*

SFJ#29: "So Dragon, a lot of people have been asking why...why did Dragon give Justin Sane a Canadian Destroyer?"

CD: "It's simple...one of the first things a person should learn when entering into the wrestling business is that if you don't know what you are doing, you are going to get hurt."

SFJ#29: "But why the Canadian Destroyer? You could have broken Sane's neck!"

CD: "I have news for you...the "W" in OOWF stands for WRESTLING. Wrestling is violent. You're right...I could have broken his neck, just like Firechild needs to know that if I hit the Destroyer, the match may not be the only thing he loses."

SFJ#29: "That's not very nice. I have to agree with the people who think The Rick should ban the Canadian Destroyer!"

CD: "Well that's your opinion...you know what, I have an opinion I'd like to share with you too..."

*Dragon moves quickly and shockingly nails a Canadian Destroyer on SFJ#29 from the top of the ladder through Ric Flair's sandwich table!*

CD: "See it's my opinion that you should shut your mouth before others shut it for you."

*Security and the taining staff rush to SFJ#29 as Dragon stands over her. The Rick is out as well and starts shouting at Dragon as the camera fades to black.*

[mooseheadjack]

Harper Camby receives an official looking letter from the Australian Sports Specialization Honor Obligation Legislative Endowment.

Dear Mr. Camby,

We at the Australian Sports Specialization Honor Obligation Legislative Endowment have for the last 25 years kept all sports in our native land free of any performance enhancing drugs.

As you may know, a large part of our endowment is used to randomly test all athletes before, after and during atheltic competition. On January 11, 2006, all athletes competing in events on Australian soil with first names "Harper" are asked to appear before the endowment's board and provide a proper fluid sample for testing.

We truly believe all athletes are above cheating in sporting events and this test will be simply a formality. But we are forced to warn you that a positive test could result in a $100,000 fine, no less that six months in prison and a forced sexual mating with a kangaroo. Not that we believe you would do something as sick as stick a needle in your ass or anything.

Should you not appear before the endowment's board before 5 p.m. on January 11, 2006, a representative of the endowment will meet you at your athletic venue to receive from you the necessary testing fluids.

Thank you and have a good day, mate,
The Australian Sports Specialization Honor Obligation Legislative Endowment.

Jesus C. Kidneypuncher walks into the locker room of The Devil's Brigade. Harper Camby looks a bit shaken.

JCK: Hi, I'm Jesus C. Kidneypuncher, and I'm come to punch Tommy O'Neill in the kidneys.

Jesus punches Tommy hard in the kidneys. Tommy no-sells it and delivers a vicious left hook, knocking Jesus out cold.

TO: Wat the fuk was tat?

HC: Did you just coldcock Jesus? Man, we're in enough trouble already without you getting the Religious Right on our case.

DV: Cold cock?! Not that I'm a homo or anything...

JCK: Owww. That wasn't worth $100.

[mooseheadjack]

HC: Tommy, I'm going to need you to piss in a cup.

TO: Whot de fek ar ya tekkin aboot?

HC: Well my allergy medicine might have slight traces of HGH in them.

DV: HGH?

HC: Human Growth Hormone

DV: I got pills for that. Makes your cock hard as a rod. Mike love.......Ah Missy loves it when my cock is fucking huge.

HC: This isn't quite the same. Anyway Tommy I need your piss.

TO: Um na givin ya me piss.

HC: They are going to throw my ass in jail. I'd piss in a cup for you.

DV: I'll piss in a cup for you.

HC: I'm not sure if I trust going with whatever the hell comes out of your body.

DV: What the fuck is that supoosed to mean?

HC: Come on Tommy.

TO: Aye sed no. As me un mor tum an ul fek up ya fece.

HC: Alright, alright. I hear ya. To show you that their are no hard feelings I'll buy tonight at the pub. There is an Irish pub with plenty of Guiness on tap.

TO: Sunds lek a plen.

**Tommy walks out. Harper reaches into his bag and pulls out a small tupperware cup.

DV: What is that for.

HC: After Tommy gets 10 beers in him he'll piss anywhere. I figured I can get enough of a sample of the alley wall when he's done.

DV: Sounds funny. I'd love to see that.

HC: (as he is walking out) I bet you would.

DV: Not like that. I'M NOT A HOMO.

[mooseheadjack]

**L.D. Williams and Eric O’ Mac, dressed in suit and tie and carrying their title belts on their shoulders, approach Justin Sane, who is alone, strutting around in the middle of the hallway and…cutting a promo?**

EOM: “Justin…”

JS: “…and the Sanest Man Alive, Whooooooooo!”

EOM: “JUSTIN!”

JS: “...stick it Straight Up My Candy-”

**L.D. takes the Intercontinental Title, holds it towards Justin at head level, and braces himself. Sure enough, Justin whirls around in mid rant and bounces his face off the belt, staggering back against the wall.**

JS: “What? What do you want? They sent you didn’t they? They sent you to get me!”

EOM: “Who’s ‘They’?”

JS: “Oh, you’d like me to tell you that, wouldn’t you?”

LD: (under his breath) “Not Especially.”

EOM: “Look Justin, nobody sent us. L.D. and I are here because we have a proposition for you.”

JS: “Don’t swing that way. Talk to Viper.”

**There is an uncomfortable pause while everyone waits.**

DV: “…not a homo.”

LD: “huh…he must be busy. Anyway rookie, let me spell it out for you. Since you’re new here, you probably find it hard to get the matches you want. We can help you with that.”

JS: “You’re giving me a title shot?”

LD: “Not a chance.”

JS: “Good, 'cause last week I almost became the World Champion. I wouldn’t want people to think I was demoted to the IC title.”

**Williams lunges at Justin, but Eric steps between them.**

EOM: “What we can get you, Justin, is a match with your nemesis.”

JS: “The Sexy Female Journalists?”

EOM: “Um, No.”

JS: “Ringpost? That guy has a beating coming.”

EOM: “No.”

JS: “Cookie Sheet?”

EOM: “No.”

JS: “Roy Misterio?”

EOM: “N-Who?”

JS: “Rey’s second cousin, twice removed.”

EOM: “Oh…No.”

JS: “The Flight Attendant?”

LD: “LADDER you idiot! The same inanimate steel fricking ladder that keeps kicking your sorry ass!”

JS: “Ladder? You can really get me a match with him?”

EOM: “Not only that, but an unsanctioned, no rules, falls count anywhere match.”

JS: “Wow…What do I gotta do?”

EOM: “L.D. and I are generous guys, and we want to help you out. All you have to do is show us you deserve it. Take your match against Souldragon this week. Consider it a opportunity to show us what your capable of. If we like what we see, we’ll talk.”

JS: “You got it. Souldragon’s ass is grass, and I’m gonna weed it!!”

LD: “Riiight. Good luck with that.”

**L.D. and Eric walk away.**

LD: “You sure about this?”

EOM: “Trust me, having a pet psycho comes in handy. Why do think I stuck with Coolname for so long?”

[mooseheadjack]

[As AA munches on a sandwich, Johnny Adrenaline reads over a copy of the letter sent to Harper Camby.]

JA: That should work. That's good, man.

AA: Pays to have friends in high places.

JA: How many is that today?

AA: How many is what today?

JA: Sandwiches? I know you had two earlier.

AA: No, that was the same one. I cut it in half.

JA: No, that second one I saw you with wasn't cut in half.

AA: I don't know what you're talking about.

JA: I told you to...

AA: Hey, check out the TV...

:Originally posted by mooseheadjack
See Mishra, that kind of terror attack may work on some of the guys here in the OOWF, it may send men like Johnny Adrenaline or Attitude Adjuster cowering for cover. But not me.

JA: Where's that jackass get off saying that? We never "cower for cover."

[Suddenly, the framed picture of Billy Gunn falls off the locker room wall and smacks the floor, sending Johnny quickly hopping out of his chair.]

JA: What the...?

[Johnny turns around to see Attitude Adjuster choking on his sandwich.]

JA: Tude, you okay? Tude!

[Out of nowhere, F.F. Capslock runs in and gives AA the Heimlich Maneuver, and AA spits his sandwich up.]

AA: Thanks, man.

FFC: No prob, pal.

[Capslock leaves, Johnny looks around in confusion, and AA shakes it off and goes back to eating his sandwich anyway.]

[mooseheadjack]

we see The Devil's Brigade in a Local Pub.

Harper is looking nervous and Tommy has got ten or eleven empty pints in front of him and has developed a bad case of the hiccups....

TO:un aye tellya unnudda fekkin ting, <hic> Duhnnie IS A FEKKIN FERRY.....unna <hic> care wut the fek ya say boyo.

HC: Uh Huh ya want a nother pint.

TO: YA Bet <HIC> ya muddas <HIC> sweet arse I da

Bartender: I'm feeling ya had enough there mate.

TO: fek off ya ferry wanking Aussie!


with that two bouncers come over and one of them grabs Tommy.

two wicked left hooks later they're down and out

TO <stumbling around>: hey 'Arpa where's the shihta...I gunna take a fekkin leak.

and with that Tommy passes the fuck out.

HC: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.

HArper picks up Tommy and drags his drunk ass outside.

HC: a lotta fucking good you were.

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster, Johnny Adrenaline, FF Capslock and Stank are sitting at a local bar. At a nearby table, they watch Tommy O’Neill down drink after drink while Harper Camby follows him around nervously with a urine specimen cup. For some reason, Donnie Viper is following both the Brigade around, asking when Tommy’s going to go outside.

AA: …and so we decided to write up this official looking letter that says Harper has to take a drug test before his match with us this week.

FFC: I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

Stank: Dang, so that’s what it takes to be Chickenshit Heels, huh? I guess Capslock and I better keep to being violent faces. We’d never be able to keep up with you.

JA: Don’t worry about it. Seems like no one can keep up with us. We even made Niles turn to Jesus for a while. It wasn’t just an elaborate swerve on Concrete. One day he got into the Box o’ Promos, tried to do a 3-star promo and nearly suffocated. Viper did CPR to save his life. Funny thing was, Niles said he didn’t need CPR. And that he’d never heard of anyone sticking their tongue down the other person’s throat to get them breathing again.

DV (stops following Tommy and Harper for a second): I AM NOT A HOMO!!!

Suddenly there’s a commotion surrounding The Devil’s Brigade. Two bouncers surround Tommy and promptly go down hard (No, Donnie…) from a pair of left hooks. Then Tommy does a Flair Flop, and Harper drags Tommy’s limp body outside.

AA: I’ve never seen Tommy get lit like that. I didn’t think that screwing with Harper could also take out Tommy. Gee, what if he doesn’t recover by Wednesday? They might have to forfeit their match to us.

Stank: Damn, you guys are really good! Caps, we’ve been going at it all the wrong way. Instead of trying to beat to death The Devil’s Brigade, all we had to do was drink them into unconsciousness!

JA: And that’s why we’re the Chickenshit Heels.

FFC: Do you guys think that, you know, since we’re friends and all, we can check out that Box O’ Promos?

AA: No way, man. We guard that box like, like…

JA: Like AA guards a sandwich!

AA: Hey!

AA: Look, you guys will just have to accepting being in a great promo. We can’t just give them away. Like right now, this is, I don’t know, Johnny, is this a 2-star?

JA: Sounds about right.

AA: You guys can put it on your resume. Here, we’ll even put you in the credits.


THE END

“The Chickenshit Heels Watch Tommy Get Drunk”

A 2-Star Promo presented by Chickenshit Heels Productions

Written by Attitude Adjuster
Produced by Johnny Adrenaline
Directed by Johnny Adrenaline
Starring: Atttitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline
Co-starring: Stank and FF Capslock (FFC: Hey, there we are!)
Also co-starring: Tommy O’Neill, Harper Camby and Donnie Viper
And:
Ringcrew member John as “The Bartender.”
OOVWF developmental talent Mike Marvel and Dark Dragon as “The Bouncers.”

[mooseheadjack]

<Shot opens in the wCw locker room>

JWW: Damn it Tommy - you can't do this shit agian!

TW: <Packing a bag> Do what?

JWW: This! <Holds up a bungie harness> Everytime you find out about so bridge, gap, cave, or wave, you just gotta jump off of it, over it, or ride it -

TW: <Looking honestly confused> Not to sound dense due, but.... And?

JWW: And we're the Tag Team Champs! We defend these belts pretty much every week!

TW: And....we've won?

JWW: <Shakes his head> Yeah kid, we've won. I gotta admit that you're tougher than anyone - myself included) ever gave you credit for. But you took a big chance partner - even HEALTHY, you didn't have to do that dive off the scaffold. And you weren't healthy.

TW: <mumbles> Yeah, I did.

JWW: Did what?

TW: I had to do that dive 'Bird. Nobody has EVERY tried that before - EVER. I had to.

JWW: <Stares at Wilder for a second> Are you completely insa.... No, don't answer that. Look - even - ESPECIALLY with your in-ring style, you gotta cut back on the extra-cirricular stunts.

TW: Like.... Last week?

JWW: YES! What were you thinking, jumping a snowboard over that gap?

TW: Well, Moose said....

JWW: MOOSE? As in Moosehead-Fucking-Jack? the only guy in the OOWF who might be crazier than you and that Loon Sane? He's now your damn travel agent?

TW: But, dude - I made the jump! And it was freaking sweeeeet!

JW: And if you didn't? What if you crased and burned?

TW: But I didn't dude!

JWW: Look. You have a responsibility - to the OOWF, the fans - hell - to ME - to stay healthy and keep the belts. You don't see me doing anything risky like bungie jump before a match. And Cap - he has a title shot and you don't see him...

<Capellan walks in jump gear in hand>

Cap: Tommy, bro! You ready to jump, man?

<JWW: Stares at Capellan like he's crazy>

Cap: What?

JWW: Not you too....

TW: Tell you what 'Bird - grab the extra rig over there - you can keep us out of trouble, OK?


<Fade>

[mooseheadjack]

Mooseheadjack finishes his interview and walks down the hall. A sudden loud shot rings out and Moose goes down in a heap.

The camera captures Shashwat standing far back with a dart gun in his hand.

Moose is writhing on the floor, he is bleeding from the small wound the dart has made. Shashwat walks up slowly towards Moose. “ Oh looky looky”, he says, “ I caught myself some Moose”. Shashwat smiles and continues, “ I put a nice bit of sedative in that dart, punk.”

He helps Moose to his feet. Moose is dizzy and can barely stand straight. Shashwat grabs Moose by the collar and throws him through a glass door. The glass shatters as Moose crashes headfirst through it. Moose falls back, his head a bloody mess.

“I see you got hurt, boy”, says Shashwat. “Do you really want some more?” “I will give you some more”. Shashwat hits Moose on his already bloodied face with the butt of the gun. Moose is out cold.

Shashwat walks away, whistling to himself.

[mooseheadjack]

Shashwat sits alone in a dark room, puffing at a cigarette. The chants and hymns play in the background. He looks the camera and speaks:

“Moose, I really feel sorry that you think, you will be scoring off me. I will give you the edge all right. The edge of a razor blade. At Mayhem, I will make you bleed more than you have ever bled before. And, when we are nearing the end, you will be begging me to make it quick. You will be pleading. Please Shashwat! Please! Please throw me down a cliff but no more of this pain! Please! But I will not relent. You say you do not know fear. Tell you what, I will introduce you to her.”

[mooseheadjack]

Drink And Destroy drunkenly stumble back into the OOWF lockerroom. They meet up with Blackdragon and UnderDawg who are taking a Red Book 'Do have hollywood starlet style?' quiz and practicing a disapearing quarter magic trick, respectively.

FFC- Dragon! Dawg! How are you fellers!?

BD- Fine, I guess. You smell like a brewery.

FF- Shit happens.

S- We just wanted to have a lil' chat before our match.

UD- Sure. What's up?

FF- I like you guys.

S- You're some good guys.

FF- True story. But you creep me out Doggie. Are you a man or a dog or what's going on there?

UD- Don't worry about it.

FF- Ooooooooh...kayfabe?

UD- Shhh.

FF- Riiiight.

S- But, yeah...we gotta wrestle youse guys...so...y'know...no hard feeling if we kick your asses.

BD- Uh, yeah. Same goes for you in case we win, right?

FF- Fat chance!

S- Shut up!

FF- I mean...yeah...that's fair.

UD- I trust this smelly guy here, but isn't Capslock a known associate of Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline?

FF- TAKE THAT BACK! I ASSOCIATE WITH NO ADRENALINES! But yeah...me and Alan are homies...why?

BD- Homies? What are you John Cena?

FF- TAKE THAT BACK!

BD- Okay, I'm sorry. That was low. But about the Chickenshits. We hate those guys and they hate us equally and I'd just hate to think you were gonna take liberties on their behalf.

FF- Naw naw naw. We're gruff but lovable faces now.

UD- I dunno. Aren't you more of a tweener these days?

FF- Naw dude, I'm like 28.

UD- No. A tweener!

FF- Oh...am I?

S- Kinda.

FF- Shit! Tweener sounds hella gay.

DV- I AM NOT A...

S&FF&BD&UD- Shut up!

[mooseheadjack]

Sriram is OMG WALKING~! backstage, and he comes across a bloody, unconcious Moose.

All he does is knowingly shake his head resigningly, when Niles Anderson runs up yelling "What have you done? What have you done?!"

All he gets in the form of the reaction is an ice-melting glare.

Niles stops dead in his tracks, and Sriram walks away without saying a word, while at the same time, Rick's voice is heard from the other end of the hallway.

[mooseheadjack]

*The Rick runs up to see Niles standing over a bloodied Moosehead Jack.*

TR - What have you done? What have you done?!?

Niles - I don't know? I must've had some lapse of character or something because I just caught myself giving a shit about what happens to Moose.

TR - Uh, what? How the hell did that happen?

Niles - Somebody else must've written for my character.

TR - I thought that only happened to Beast which is why we introduced Monster.

Niles - I guess it happens to me too, but I can't really introduce an evil twin because I'm already pretty evil to begin with.

TR - Well, what are we gonna do about this? Your match is without a ref.

Niles - God, I only wish that was the case. Moose always finds his way out of these things. Maybe you could just call the match off before he can find a way to recover?

TR - Nice try, but this match is one of the biggest draws this week. All the advertisements have been promising it.

Niles - Haven't you heard of a bait n switch? I mean, we can't send the fans home happy all the time. Otherwise, I would never have won the belt once let alone twice and would have my ass stomped day-in day-out.

TR - That would actually be nice.

Niles - Man, with that match coming up, I could use a drink. Got any of that whiskey?

TR - That I'd share with you? Hell no!

Niles - Dammit. Well, I guess I gotta prepare for this match then.

*Niles quickly starts stomping on MHJ. The Rick is standing in horror.*

TR - What the fuck are you doing?

Niles - What, you expect me to actually prepare for the match properly? I'm a heel for fucks sake! This is what I do!

*The Rick casts an ice-melting glare on Niles.*

Niles - That shit doesn't work on me. Besides, I already got one of those from Sriram.

TR - Well how about if I threaten your job security.

*Niles stops stomping MHJ and starts strutting down the hall as if nothing happened.*

Niles - Point taken.

TR - Good. That match is going to happen.

Niles - Shit.

*Fade to Black*

[mooseheadjack]

<GM the Rick watches Niles walk down the hall and is muttering something to himself about not being paid enough for this job, when he finally turns around a wobbly Moosehead Jack is on his feet>

GMtR: Oh Jack I uh....

MHJ: Save it. Rick, when all is said and done with Niles and Concrete, when this is finally settled and I end Niles career, I am telling you right now, that idiot Shashwat is gonna bleed buckets.

GMtR: Are you threatening me?

MHJ: Nope. I am telling you like it is. I am going to beat him until he quits, I will bleed him dry if I have to.

GMtR: Why are you telling me this now? And why do I care?

MHJ: I am just giving you fair warning, you are the boss and all, so if you see Mishra, you might want to do the same for him, it might save his career. Trust me.

<Jack grabs a logging chain from a nearby table and storms off>

[mooseheadjack]

*TTFDU are sitting in a different corner of the pub*

GB: What did you tell WCW about their offer to bungie-jump with them?

OBJ: Didn't want to be a wowser and tell them sounded like a good way to come a gutzer, so told'em Wally had committed us to an appearance to "launch a schooner", fair dinkum. *raises beer glass*

DV: Excuse me, but did you say anything about me just now?

WBK: No worries, mate. Jack reverts to Strine whenever he visits Oz, but he didn't say anything about you. But I did hear someone call you "mate" earlier, and that implies *wiggles hand*

*DV charges out of the pub*

WBK: He should enjoy the rest of the trip.

[mooseheadjack]

*Moose is storming around the backstage area, when he hears a voice address him*

Sriram: Need an ambulance?

MHJ: Don't get me started, or you'll be needing one pretty soon.

Sriram: Oh, strong man! I don't suppose you'll be needing that to beat anyone up either.

*Points at chain wrapped around Moose's fist, grabs his coffee and walks away*

[mooseheadjack]

<We see Mishra walking down the hall after destroying Scheme Gene and leaving him unconscious. Mishra is muttering to himself and pounding his fist into his palm. As he rounds the corner, he walks right into Moose>

MHJ: Mishra

SM: Moo<BLAM! Jack pastes Shashwat right between the eyes wit ha chain wrapped fist, sending SM to the floor, Mishra's face is already a mess of blood. Jack pulls the logging chain from around his neck and loops it around Mishra's neck> YOu wanna sneak attack people huh? Well two can play that little game. <Moose begins to drag a barely conscious Mishra toward the stairs, long time OOWF followers know where THIS is going.

Jack kicks open the door to the stariwell and pulls Mishra to his feet at the top of the stairs and gabs him by the throat>

MHJ: You couldn't leave well enough alone could you? YOu think you are going to make a name for yourself at my expense? I don't fucking think so. <Jack hammers Mishra with a heart punch that sends him tumbling down the concrete stais to the landing, Jack slowly follows him>

MHJ:Mishra, you are not the first to get this, but I gotta say, I am really going to enjoy this <Jack hammers Mishra, pulls him to his feet and DDT's him on the concrete landing, Mishra is clinging to consciousness Jack pulls him up again, and loops the chain around Mishra's throat and clotheslines him over the railing sending him tumbling about ten feet to the concrete floor below. Jack then pulls back on the logging chain until Mishra's feet are just inches off the floor, then ties the chain off on the railing. Mishra is desperately clutching at his neck and gasping for breath, his face turns a deep red>

MHJ: Mishra, you have picked the absolute wrong time to piss me off. You want to make a name for yourself in the OOWF you go after the Chickenshit Heels, or Hardbody Harris. You may be a mean son of a bitch, you may be hell bent on destruction, but ask yourself this, how far will you go? <Mishra's face is turning a deep purple color> See Mishra, I could leave you here, by the time anyone found you it would be way too late. And it wouldn't mean a thing to me. Your career, your life, it is all insignificant to me. But deep inside, I feel we are kindred spirits. One day, we may actually havea common enemy, and one day you will realize I make a much better ally than enemy. You may realize it on your own, or I might have to beat it into you <With that Jack pins Mishra's arm over his head, and hits repeated heart punches. Mishra lurches in the chain noose and falls to the floor. He gasps for precious air, then coughs up a sickening amount of blood. Shashwat's body spasm's once, then he loses consciousness. JAck stands over him for a second, then Thim Reynolds, LD Williams and Eric O'MAc come through the doors leading to the basement>

TR: Damn Jack.

LDW: No signs of Siriram huh?

MHJ: No, I think he is smart enough to know when to pick his fights. Maybe after this Mishra will learn the same. If not next time he may not be so lucky <Jack kicks Mishra in the head> Trust me.

<Jack, Thim and LDW walk away, EOM stares wide eyed at the bloody mess that is Mishra, then joins the others>