OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 09-13-06

[mooseheadjack]

Part I: The Set Up

<GM the Rick is on the phone haggling with the insurance company when Cole and Altrageous burst through the door>

CC: THIS IS BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! NO ONE ATTACKS THE CHAMP LIKE THAT!

GMtR: Listen douche rag, you better take the bass out of your voice right about now, or you will be an EX-champ REAL quick!

Alt: Rick, this is bullshit and you know it, I want that zombie freak and that gnat Capellan punished!

GMtR: Oh really?

Alt: Yes, I DEMAND you take away Cap’s match against me

GMtR: And I suppose you want the same thing?

CC: YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I DO!

GMtR: Well, lemme think about it….no.

Both: NO???

GMtR: No. It’s not happening. You got what is coming to you.

CC:<seething> Well let me tell you this Ricky, you either book the match I want next week, or I will have a team of lawyers on your ass so fast, you won’t know what hit you. And when it is all said and done, my grandkids will still be the OOWF Champion

GMtR: Not that I really give a fuck about what you want, but what is the match?

CC: UnderDawg versus Capellan. The winner gets his shot, the loser gets nothing

GMtR: But Capellan already signed the contract…

Alt: WELL TEAR THE FUCKING THING UP RICK!

GMtR: <After pondering for a moment> Ok fine, we’ll do this your way this one time, Dawg vs. Cap next week, now get the hell out of here.

<Cole and Alt smirk and leave the office, GM the Rick turns back around and there stand kz>

GmtR: Now what?

MHJ: Rick, we are not gonna scream, we are not gonna threaten. We are gonna put it real simple. Next week, we want wCw. Their win on us was a complete fluke, next week we set it straight.

GMtR: But they wanted to ……

LDW:<stepping close to GMtR> Maybe you didn’t hear us. Next week, we get wCw. That’s it. <LDW starts to walk away then turns back to GM the Rick> Oh, and if you see Adrenaline and Capps, you tell them once we are done with wCw, we are gonna bleed them dry….again.

<kz leaves and Gm the Rick just shakes his head then hits the flask>

***Part II: The Lineup******************

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
Chris Cole vs. Seraph

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Altrageous vs. Eric O’Mac

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
kz vs. wCw

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Thim Reynolds vs. Uncle Entity

Winner Gets Their Title Shot at Hell On Earth II[/u]
UnderDawg vs. Capellan

Canadian Dragon vs. Concrete TG
Blackdragon, Ecosystem & Apocalyptic Existence vs. Ax-Man, Sriram & Firechild
The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Team From Down Under
The Halfrican Americans & The New Original New Classic Blackjacks 2000 vs. The Devil’s Brigade & Drink & Destroy

Card subject to NAFTA

[mooseheadjack]

The Halfrican Americans enter the lockerroom of The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 Featuring Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice Of The United States Of America.

Nayr- Yo fellers. How's it going?

FFC- It's all good up in this piece.

Fly- Word. How you been Stank, my ni-

Stank- For your own safety, do NOT finish that word.

Fly- G'yeah. I hear ya.

FFC- Holla.

Stank- Stop that.

FFC- Sorry. I just get caught up.

RBG- Well, I think you guys are dope as hell and good luck teaming with my chill posse right herr.

Stank- I'm in hell.

[mooseheadjack]

**The Devil's Brigade and Drink & Destroy are in D&D's locker room. O'Neal and O'Neil are playing foosball while Hansen and Camby are taking shots and talking.**

JO: Ha! Another goal! IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S LIGHTS OUT FOR YOU, SUCKER!

TO: Tha's nah feckin' fair, ya wank!

JO: Huh?

TO: Yer liftin' th' table! Ya fekkin' cheater!

JO: What?

TO: I'll choke th' life outta ye, nancyboy!

JO: Oh. That I understand. Kind of. Beer?

TO: Feck yeh I wan' a beer!

(The camera cuts to Spin and Harper.)

SH: Ever since I teamed up with Josh, it seems like I've been lacking intensity... the same kind of thing that I was berating him for. What can I do?

HC (producing a bottle of pills): Take some of these. They'll help with the intensity issues.

SH: What in god's name are these? They're huge!

HC: My nutritionist gave them to me. Said that they're just the thing to fuel the fire.

SH (peeling back the generic white label): These are made for greyhounds. You're trying to give me greyhound stimulants. What is wrong with you?

HC: Doesn't mean they're not safe for people. I take 'em all the time. They do wonders.

SH (shrugging) What the hell. Couldn't hurt, I guess.

HC: See what they do. I've got more if you want 'em.

Spin downs a pill as the camera fades...

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster is watching OOWF-TV when Johnny Adrenaline walks in.

AA: Hey, Johnny, did you know Ruth Bader Ginsburg is managing Drink & Destroy? But I still don't get why they're calling themselves the New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000. I mean, they stole that name from Lanza and Mulligan.

JA: Gawd, you get stupider every day.

AA: By the way, speaking of stupid, what was up with LD Williams at Mayhem. He cost us that match at least three or four times. Can't make a pin, keeps running into us. No wonder you dumped him as a partner. I'm telling you, Williams and Moose are definitely out of the running to be our enforcer.

JA: I'm sure they'll be broken up to hear that.

AA: You're right. Maybe I'll send Moose a sympathy card. After all, he does have to team with PN News.

JA: I think that's the first sensible thing you've said since I walked in.

AA: Anyway, I have a new idea for the enforcer thing. I talked to a friend who knows this guy who's brother's sister's boyfriend's uncle's mother's daughter knows someone in Hollywood who ha bodyguard experience. And he's coming in this week to audition!

JA: Your friend's friend's brother's sister's boyfriend's uncle's mother's daughter?

AA: Something like that. Anyway, he's a big star, but he's gonna come in and audition. It will be great, I'm telling you.

JA: Well, it can't be any worse than the others. Can he do a Big Boot?

[mooseheadjack]

**Moosehead Jack and Thim Reynolds round a corner of the arena hallway and see L.D. Williams balancing on a skateboard**

TR: “What the hell are you doing?”

LD: “Getting ready for our match.”

MHJ: “With a skateboard?”

LD: “The best way to beat a man is to know how he thinks. Guys like the Aussies, and Drink and Destroy – or whatever they call themselves now, they think like us. Johnny and AA are as deep as puddles – they don’t think. But wCw…how do two guys that have been written off manage to come back like that? What drives them?”

MHJ: “Un-huh. And the skateboard?”

LD: “I’m never going to understand Westguaard. He likes hockey. Hell, I’m Canadian and I don’t like hockey. Obviously our minds just aren’t wired the same way. So, I figured if I down some of that Red Bull crap and learn how to ride this stupid skateboard, maybe I can get inside Wilder’s head.”

**Williams attempts to flip the board, but loses his balance. He falls heavily and the board shoots straight up in the air and comes back down, hitting him in the face. Moose and Thim struggle to restrain their laughter.**

LD: “Then again…” <Williams gets up> “Maybe I’ll just get into his head the old-fashioned way.”

**Williams picks up the skateboard and slams it into the wall until it's reduced to shards.**

[mooseheadjack]

The Devil's Brigade are walking out of the ill-gotten Drink & Destroy lockerroom. They walk down the hallway. Suddenly Fly leaps out from one of the doors.

Fly- Surprise, fuckers!

Fly throws a large wallclock at them, it smashes into Harper Camby's face. Tommy O'Neill runs after and Nayr dives onto him from above delivering a flying hurricaranna. When Tommy stands up he is looking right at The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 Featuring Ruth Bader Ginsbure, Supreme Court Justice Of The Untited States Of America who now surround him.

FFC- Hey there, ya bloody wanka!

TO- Wat tha fuk is thas fukan' bullshite!

Stank- A surprise beatdown. We want you to deliver the faux Drink and Destroy a message for us...

TO- Yea? Wut te fuk you wan me tuh tell im?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg clobbers Tommy in the back of the head with her trusty bat.

RBG- Word up to your mother!

Stank- Ma'am? Didn't we talk about this?

RBG- Are you questioning how dope I be?

Stank- No, ma'am.

FFC- Mad props, Rizzle Bizzle Ginsbizzle.

RBG- Word.

[mooseheadjack]

(Ecosystem is sitting at his desk working on his PC. A man with a suit walks in.)

Suit: Eco, sir?

Eco: Who are you?

Suit: Rent-a-Butler agency, sir.

Eco: I didn't rent a butler.

Suit: I know. But you rented a secretary. They outsourced to us.

Eco: Huh. Can you type?

Suit: No.

Eco: Um...that's cool, I can type. You had news?

Suit: Yes. You're teaming with Blackdragon and Apocalyptic Existence this Wednesday, sir.

Eco: I'm teaming with Apocalyptic Existence? Are you serious?? The man who broke my streak of consecutive victories last week with a cheap double-countout? That absolute joke of a wrestler?

Suit: Yes.

Eco: Okay. Cool.

Suit: Is that sarcasm?

Eco: Actually, no. Who are we facing?

Suit: Um...the Axe Warrior...Serham Serham...and Greased Lightning.

Eco: That's not even close, is it?

Suit: No. It's not. But that's okay, because I'm on lunch.

(Suit leaves. A little kid with a suit walks in.)

Eco: Do you know who I'm facing?

Kid: YOU'RE AN UGLY GOOK!!!

Eco: Okay, you know what? Trap door.

(The kid looks down. Eco opens a window.)

Kid: Nothing's opening.

Eco: It's horizontal.

(Eco throws the kid out a window.)

Eco: TAKE THAT, YOU ADORABLE PRETEEN!!!

[mooseheadjack]

Firechild sneaks up behind Ecosystem, as he is distracted by the kid and smashes him over the head with what looks like a VERY expensive copy of the WCW Cruiserweight Title circe-1998.

As Eco holds his head, bleeding on the floor Firechild stalks off, muttering to himself..

FC: (under breath) goddamn, undercard, Im the greatest....should be a champ too.....its a conspiracy......

Ecosystem gets to his feet....

Eco: Loser...

[mooseheadjack]

[The Chickenshit Heels are lounging around in their locker room.]

JA: Is your brother's cousin's mama's nephew's barber's banker's mechanic's drug dealer gonna be here anytime soon? We've been waiting an hour.

AA: He'll be here. Besides, the delay allowed us to eat.

JA: Allowed YOU to eat.

AA: Not my fault you weren't hungry.

[Kncok at the door]

AA: That's probably him right there.

JA: COME IN!

[The camera stays on Johnny and Alan as the person walks in the door. TCH appear a bit confused as the camera turns to reveal... RALPHUS!]

JA: That's him? Ralphus?

AA: No... Ralphus, what a surprise. I take it you heard that we were looking for a bodyguard.

[Ralphus nods.]

AA: What have you been doing with your time lately. We haven't seen you in forever.

[Ralphus shrugs his shoulders.]

JA: You sure you can handle protecting two cats like us?

[Ralphus nods assuredly]

AA: What's it gonna take to acquire your services?

[Ralphus tries to take AA's sandwich, but Alan snatches it away.]

AA: HEY! That's my chicken and cheddar!

JA: Can you do a big boot?

[Ralphus looks at his feet, then at his belly, then shakes his finger at Johnny.]

AA: Ralphus, we appreciate ya stopping by. We'll give ya a call, man.

[Ralphus leaves.]

JA: What the hell was that?

AA: I don't know... [AA gets up]

JA: Where are you going?

AA: I gotta get another sandwich. I can't eat that after that fatass touched it. you don't know what dumpster he's been sleeping in.

JA: Maybe the one our BOX O'PROMOS was in.

AA: Yeah, and... HEY! We're not supposed to talk about that.

[AA walks out the door, and Johnny follows behind. They stroll down to Flair's Sandwich Shoppe.]

AA: Another chicken and cheddar, Naitch.

RF: CHICKEN! WHOOO! CHEDDAR! WHOOO!

AA: You know anyone looking to be a bodyguard, Ric?

RF: BODYGUARD? WHO NEEDS A BODYGUARD?? BACK IN MY DAY YOU DIDN'T NEED A BODYGUARD!! YOU WERE YOUR OWN BODYGUARD!! IF SOMEONE FUCKED WITH YA, YOU KICKED THEIR ASS!! NOWADAYS BODYGUARDS ARE BIG TALENTLESS LUGS WHO CAN'T CARRY THEIR END OF A 10 MINUTE MATCH! THEY DO FOUR MOVES! PUNCH! KICK! POWERBOMB! CHOKESLAM!

JA: You forgot big boot.

RF: BIG FUCKING BOOT!

[Suddenly, a figure comes in from the right side of the shot and boots Flair to the side of the face, Flair is instantly a bloody mess. We see the figure to be 911! 911 chokeslams Flair thru the sandwich table. Then he chokeslams the remnants of the table. Then he chokeslams the refreigerator. Then he chokeslams the rack of potato chips. The he chokeslams Flair one more time onto all the junk.]

911: [yelling at Flair] I KNOW MORE THAN ONE MOVE!

JA: Where's the checkbook?

AA: No way, man!

JA: He'll protect us from EVERYONE!

AA: Yeah, but he just ruined my sandwich.

JA: But...

AA: Priorities, Johnny.

JA: Shit...

AA: Now we gotta go somewhere else to get a sandwich.



JA: What?

AA: That dude over there. He looks funny.

JA: Dude? That's no dude. That's a chick.

AA: Bullshit.

JA: Wanna bet?

[They cross the street and approach the person. AA taps the person on the back.]

AA: Hey man, my buddy here says you're a...

[The person turns around and it's CHYNA~!]

JA: I told you!

AA: I was right, it was a guy!

JA: Huh? Tude, it's...

AA: Johnny, I SAW the video.

JA: I don't care what you saw.

C: Can I help you guys with something?

AA: Can I have your autograph?

C: No.

AA: You ain't lookin to get back in the bodyguardin business, are ya?

C: Not for a couple of creeps like you.

AA: Creeps?

JA: You're calling us creeps when you...

[On cue, X-Pac comes walking out of the store.]

XP: Hey babe, I got us some... hey, it's the Chickenshit Heels! I've heard great things about you two! Like ya'll are over like Grover in some underground fed. Are ya'll looking for talent?

AA: Actually, we...

JA: No, sorry Sean, but we're booked full right now. Booker's tossing guys as we speak.

C: Speaking of tossing, you got that butterfly? Come on, honey, let's go.

[Chyna and X-Pac walk away.]

AA: He has a penoris.

JA: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PENORIS?

C: [turning around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?

AA: PICKLE RELISH! I've got too much PICKLE RELISH on my sandwich.

C: Oh....

[Chyna and X-Pac leave for good.]

AA: Why didn't you want X-Pac as a bodyguard?

JA: He's not trained to be a bodyguard. Besides, I've heard about the tape... I don't want him hangin around me.

AA: Well, do you have any better ideas?

JA: What about your mother's brother's niece's... whatever the hell it was?

AA: Oh shit... He probably came and left.

JA: Well, let's go regroup. We gotta come up with something.

[Johnny and AA turn to leave, but the door to the store swings open and Kevin Nash rolls out in a wheelchair.]

KN: What's up, dudes? You came to get some videos, too?

JA: Some what?

KN: Videos? Toys? Lingerie for the lady in your life?

AA: Mi... er, Johnny doesn't have a lady in his life.

JA: Shut the fuck up, Alan.

KN: Dude, you gay, man?

JA: No, I just....

AA: God, I miss Donnie.

KN: Well, I don't know who Donnie is, but I sure as hell know who Ronnie is. Guys, this is one of the best sex shops I've been to in a while.

JA: Is that what...?

KN: Oh yeah. Nothin new for me. man, I remember this one, '90, maybe '91, it was either Topeka or Omaha. All those midwestern towns run together. Anyway, me and the boys wanted to have a little "guy time" if you know what I mean. Anyway, I had just got done carrying Flair to a one hour draw, and we went to the local Mastubation Outlet. But it was like nothing you ever saw. It was crazy! Inflatible cows, real action chickens, some kind of corn cob contraption.....I dropped at least three grand there that night. Here, look what I got from here.

[Nash stands up and pulls a box out of his bag and blows his quad in the process. Nash falls back in the wheelchair.]

AA: You okay?

KN: I'm fine. The pills just haven't kicked in yet. But I'm good. Especially with this Ron Jeremy genetalia mold. I'm gonna mount this on my wall. Anyway, I'll catch you guys later.

[Nash rolls away as TCH stands in confusion as we fade to black.]

[mooseheadjack]

<MHJ is in full promo mode, single bulb and all>

You know, a wise man once said,"the fear of death is worse than death." wCw, Wilder, Westgaard, it is obvious to me that you have both conquered your fear of death. Hell even this last little stay in the hospital wasn't enough to instill the fear of death back into you.

And that, that is what makes you two tick. You have eliminated that fear, and you can go balls out. That's good. You are able to drive that fear away, to not think about the broken bones, the hospital stays, the days teetering on the very brink of life and death. You have taken that fear away, and replaced it with the need for one high after another.

But see, Westgaard, Wilder, that wise man didn't quite have it right. You have eliminated that fear of death, but there is something much worse than death, something that has left men lying awake at night staring at the ceiling, soaked in their own fear.

That thing, is kz

Now, you two managed to beat us last week, you got the pin. At MidWeek Mayhem, that WILL be avenged, make no mistake about that. You will bleed. You will suffer. You will lose. That's just how it has to be.

Trust me

[mooseheadjack]

(CTG is taking a break from the Hardcore playground and talking to LADDER)

CTG: So.... I hear you've been talking with Canadian Dragon....

(LADDER has no comment)

CTG: I'd hope he was at least treating you like a decent hardware- err, hardcore performer

(LADDER remains stoic)

CTG: I realize it's none of my business, but I thought I'd at least ask you about it. Will you be watching our match?

(LADDER isn't going anywhere)

CTG: cool. Thanks for having some family by to help us with the Playground.

Sabu: (Marches in and throws a chair at LADDER)

CTG: Hey, that wasn't nice - I know he was hanging out with Canadian dragon last week, but that was a one-time deal

Sabu: (shakes head and waves CTG off)

CTG: I know what I'm talking about, neither one of you two do! (follows Sabu out)

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan is carrying a crate of Red Bull into the backstage area when there's a PUFF of smoke and Underdawg appears.

"Dawgman." Cap greets the massive superstar calmly.

"You and I meet this week." Underdawg reminds him. "Title shots are on the line."

"Yep." Capellan sets down the crate.

"You and I have met before. You earned my respect." Underdawg shakes his head, "But do not think that respect will make me any less determined to win. Do not think I will be any less dangerous. I will have my title shot, no matter who I have to go through to do it."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Cap goes nose-to-nose ... OK, nose to upper chest ... with the Dawgstar. "But don't think you'll have it as easy as you did last time. I've learned a few tricks since then, and I don't plan on losing my title shot, either. You think you had to go hard to make me stop last time? You ain't seen nothin' yet."

Underdawg nods.

"See you in the ring."

There's a puff of smoke, and Underdawg vanishes.

Then another puff of smoke, and he reappears.

"By the way Cap, can I have one of those Red Bulls?"

"Sure thing, dude."

"Thanks."

[mooseheadjack]

*Spin Hansen is alone, stalking around the backstage halls, visibly twitching. *

SH: YOURENEVERGONNAESCAPEFROMSPINFREAKIN'HANSEN!

(Spin turns and enters an open locker room door, and finds... wCw?)

SH: I'MGONNASETYOUABLAZE!

Tommy Wilder: What are you talking about, dude?

SH: THISDOESN'TCONCERNYOU!

(Spin stalks toward an open locker, and starts screaming gibberish at it. Apparently, the locker did something to offend him as he starts throwing punches at it.)

J.W. Westgaard: What's his problem?

SH: I'LLTELLYOUWHATMYPROBLEMIS!IT'SHIM!IT'SHISFAULT!

(Spin proceeds to pull the locker off the wall, and hits it with a Firestarter.)

SH: SORRYYOUGUYSBUTITHADTOBEDONE.

(Spin runs out of the room, foaming at the mouth while Wilder and Westgaard look at each other, shrug, and laugh.)

[mooseheadjack]

A rookie walks into the OOWF lockerroom. He find's The Rick's office. The Rick take a swig off a whiskey bottle and looks up, angrily.

TK- Good morning, sir.

TR- Who the hell are you!?

TK- My name is The Knife, sir. I hear this is a place for wrestlers, and I'm a wrestler. I wanted to know if I could perhaps have a tryout match, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, sir.

TR- I don't give a fuck. Sure, I'll give you one...uh...eventually.

TK- Gosh, thank you, sir, thank you! I won't let you down!

TR- Yeah...you can leave.

TK- Oh, sir? May I ask a question?

TR- What? Uh, sure.

TK- Do most people drink in the morning out here?

TR- I don't fucking know what other people do and I don't fucking care!

TK- Alright, alright. Um, sir?

TR- WHAT?

TK- May I ask you anoth-

TR- YES! Fine, quickly then leave.

TK- What was that word you kept saying?

TR- What word?

TK- Um...fuck? I've never heard that. What is that?

TR- You gotta be fucking kidding me...

[mooseheadjack]

Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster have made it back from their encounter with Chyna and the rest of the unemployed Clique. As they walk down the hallway, they see the back of a man waiting for them outside their locker room.

JA: AA, does that guy look like a cop?

AA: Not sure. Actually, I think that might be our Hollywood enforcer. Kevin?!

The man turns around and reveals himself to be Kevin Costner.

JA: Holy cow! That’s Kevin Costner! But why are you recruiting him to be our enforcer? He just plays baseball players.

AA: Johnny, you are so out of touch. Costner was the star of The Bodyguard! Remember? He saved Whitney Houston from…something. I don’t know. The movie bombed. But it wasn’t his fault.

KC: Look, I’m only doing this as a favor to my brother's sister's boyfriend's uncle's mother's daughter. I have a movie coming out, The Guardian, and I figured I could do some cross promotion. And I looked you guys up and you’re pretty funny. So what can I do for you?

JA: We’re looking for a bodyguard to keep people like KZ and wCw and The Devil’s Brigade and the Blackjacks and Underdawg from beating us up.

KC: That’s a long list. IS there anyone who likes you?

AA: Ummm…Hey, Johnny, have you ever thought that might be part of the problem?

JA: Well, if you’d quit ripping on people for no reason… Anyway, Kevin, we need you to try out.

KC: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't tryout. Besides--I don't believe in Quantum Physics when it comes to matters of the heart...or loins.

AA: What do you believe in?

KC: I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, long foreplay, show tunes, and that the novels of Thomas Pynchon are self-indulgent, overrated crap.

(AA and JA look at each other, not sure what to think.)

KC: I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, I believe that there oughtta be a constitutional amendment outlawing astro-turf and the designated hitter, I believe in the "sweet spot", voting every election, soft core pornography, chocolate chip cookies, opening your presents on Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last for seven days.

JA: Ummm, wasn’t that from Bull Durham?

KC: Yeah. You got a problem with that?

AA: Not really, but we really need you to be the guy in The Bodyguard.

KC: Are you kidding? There’s no way I’m quoting that movie or ever reminding anyone of that piece of crap. To watch that, you’d have to be on crack!

Suddenly, the locker room door crashes open. Standing in the doorway is Whitney Houston. She looks horribly strung out.

WH: "First of all, let's get one thing straight. Crack is cheap. I make too much for me to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight, okay? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is wack."

JA: Did you invite her?

AA: Nope. You didn’t either?

Suddenly, Bobby Brown runs into the locker room.

BB: Whitney, how many times I told you not to be going off by yourself?! Damn it, woman! Don’t make me smack you around again. Dat’s my prerogative!

Bobby turns to JA and AA.

BB: I hear you’re looking for an enforcer. Well, check dis out. I’m a little low on cash until my reality show idea gets picked up, so I figure we could do a little cross-promotion. I help you, you help me.

AA: You’re kinda tiny. Do you have a resume?

BB: Resume! I don’t need no stinking resume! I’m Bobby Brown! It’s my prerogative! In 1993, I was arrested for "an overly suggestive stage performance" in Georgia. In 1995, I was arrested after a fistfight at Disney World. Later that year I was charged with battery after allegedly kicking a hotel security guard. In 1996, I wrecked a rental Porsche while driving drunk. In 1997, I beat up Whitney, causing facial cuts. In 1998, I was arrested for sexual battery, served five days for the Porsche wreck, and was arrested again when I showed up at jail drunk. In 2000, I served 26 days in jail for a cocaine-related probation violation…

(10 minutes later)

BB: In 2002, I was arrested for possession of marijuana, speeding, and having no driver's license or proof of insurance. In 2003, I was sentenced to eight days in jail for drunk driving, and later that year I was arrested for violating probation when I flew to L.A. to perform in an awards ceremony, despite a court order than I not leave Georgia. In 2004, I was briefly jailed for failure to pay child support for two of my three children born out of wedlock. I was ten years in arrears, and told the judge I had no source of income, but came up with $63,500 after the first night of a 90-day sentence. In 2005…

The camera pans over to JA and AA, who’ve fallen asleep in their chairs. Kevin Costner is seen sneaking out of the room. Whitney walks back into the room with a case of Red Bull she stole from the wCw locker room. Whitney sits down, pops open a can and snorts the entire contents.

[mooseheadjack]

Scene cuts the wCw locker room

the phrase "Seconds Ago" appears on the bottom of the screen.

JW, Tommy and Cap are all sitting around talking strategy and Missy sitting on a couch filing her nails.

Cap: JW if you are really gonna pull off a a Shooting Star Press....make sure its Paul London Style and not Lesnar style!!!

Tommy: Yeah no need in cracking your skull open...


All of a sudden Whitney Houston bursts into the room!


WH: DID SOMEBODY SAY CRACK?!?!?!

JW: Um, no......but damn girl you need to eat a cheeseburger or something.....nobody likes a skinny girl.

with that Whitney scrathes her face, twitches a couple times grabs wCw case of Red Bull and bolts out the door.

Tommy: Dude, what in the blue hell was that?

Missy: Don't worry i'll take care of it.

With that Missy follows Whitney out the door.

[mooseheadjack]

Underdawg is ironing his pants in his locker room when Kevin Costner sneaks into his room.

UD: KEVIN COSTNER!!!! What are you doing in my yard? Er... I mean, my locker room?

KC: Staying the hell away from The Chickenshit Heels. They want me to their bodyguard.

UD: Say what?

KC: Exactly! I don't even carry that slik-splitting katana around anymore.

UD: Um... ok.... Um... are those gills on your throat?

KC: Huh? These? Oh, no, I think they're mustard stains. That Attitude Adjuster is a messy eater.

UD: Good, because Waterworld was crap.

KC: YEah, it wa... HEY!

UD: Oh come ON!

KC: Ok, ok.... Did you like the Patriot?

UD: Heavens no!

Del Wilkes (sobbing): WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE ME?!?!? (runs off)

UD: But Mr. Costner, I LOVED Dances With Wolves. It's my favorite movie of all time!

KC: Actually, I have nightmares about that movie.

UD: What? It was a beautiful movie! And you won the Oscar for Best Picture and Best Director!

KC: Nightmares, man...

UD (doing that annoying thing people do with celebrities and reenact a scene from a movie): This is my post.

KC (clasps his own head): Please... stop...

UD (makes horns on his head with his head): Ta... Ta...

KC: STOP IT!!!! IT HURTS!!!

UD: Ok, ok... I'm sorry.

Kevin Costner is about to take Underdawg's apology when Native American Tatanka walks in with a resume.

NAT: I heard there were interviews for an enforcer here?

KC: GAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?(runs off)

UD (in Sioux language): KEVIN COSTNER!!! KEVIN COSTNER!!! I AM UNDERDAWG! DO YOU SEE THAT I AM YOUR FRIEND? CAN YOU SEE THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY FRIEND?... aw nuts.

Smoke fills the room. But Underdawg doesn't dissappear. He simply frowns. He left the iron on his pants and they're burning.

NAT: Hey, you're pretty fluent.

UD: Thanks. It's my favorite movie.

NAT: So, um, where would I find Mr. Capps and Mr. Adrena ***CLUNK!~***

An iron is thrown onto Native American Tatanka's head, knocking him out.

UD: Goddammit! Those were my best wrestling pants. Now what am I going to wear in my match against Capellan?

[mooseheadjack]

*The camera focuses on Spin Hansen coming to inside of the Drink & Destroy locker room. The Devil's Brigade are sitting inside, nursing the wounds received from Ruth Bader Ginsburg.*

Spin: What happened? I felt great for a minute, and I beat the hell out of someone I've been wanting to for ages.

Josh: You mean a locker?

SH: What? I... uh... aww, shit. Hey, what happened to Tommy and Harper?

TO: Tha' fekkin' lady hit us wit' bat!

SH: What fu... Ginsburg. Damn her to hell!

JO: Couldn't we try getting our own justice? I heard that Roberts can hold his own in a fight.

SH: There's only one thing that we can do. What's the one thing most important to a Supreme Court justice? Their robe. We can't hurt her... but we can humiliate her. Let's go, everyone.

JO: YEAH! LIGHTS OUT AND STUFF!

TO: Wha's wit you an' th' lights?

JO: Uh...

Harper Camby: Come on. It's payback time.

[mooseheadjack]

(An entirely nude Ruth Bader Ginsburg runs by the camera while Ecosystem bandages the back of his head.)

Eco: Eh. I'd hit that.

[mooseheadjack]

*D&D and The Devil's Brigade walk to The New Original New Classic Blackjacks 2000's locker room... and find it empty.*

SH: Perfect. Let's get to destruction.

(The teams proceed to start trashing the few interesting things in the locker room, when Harper pulls the door off of a locker.)

HC: Here's her stuff. Shall we?

SH: Let's.

Josh grabs O'Connor's robe and baseball bat.

JO: I think I'll keep the bat. Looks pretty solid.

SH: That's the spirit. And let's see... I think this robe could use some enhancement...

HC: I've got just the thing! Lemme-

SH: Not like that! Like this.

(Spin pulls his trusty Zippo out of his trunks, and sets the robe alight!)

TO: Tha'll show tha' fekkin' slag!

HC: As long as we're at it, let's see what we can do to those Halfricans...

(They all walk out, O'Connor's smoldering robe sitting in the middle of the floor. Josh shatters a bank of fluorescent lights as he leaves.

JO: LIGHTS O-

SH: C'mon. That was too obvious. We'll be needing the bat for what we've got planned next.

[mooseheadjack]

<SFJ36C is interviewing Westgaard and Wilder...>

SFJ36C: So, right off the bat - what has gotten your attention since your return to OOWF?

JWW: Well, lets see.....A bat wielding Supreme Court Justice, some whack-job assaulting lockers, The Chickenshits running around with an entourage of rejects from The Surreal Life....

TW: 'Crete, Ladder and Sabu have built the Louie Spicolli Memorial Obstacle Course and Gymnasium in the hallway....

JWW: Camby's losing the ability to walk upright, O'Neill is HARDER to understand....

TW: 3 Piece Set can't win clean, we got a halfling teaming up with Malibu's Most Wanted,

JWW: And TheRick is up to a case of Jack a day.

<Pause>

TW: Nope, seems perfectly average day for the OOWF!

SFJ: I noticed you didn't mention KZ....

JWW: You noticed, huh? I guess that falls under "Things that don't change."

SFJ: How so?

JWW: Moose and Williams are tw oof the toughest, most physical guys in the OOWF. Moosehead Jack is a couple of feet short of a blue line, and if anything, he's made Williams just as bad. As a team? They are tough to beat.

SFJ: But last week, you guys pinned them.

TW: Well, it was an 8 man tag, and they had a handicap - two actually - in Team Poser. So really, we don't count that.

SFJ: But KZ apparently does.

JWW: Interesting, that. THEY challegned US. Why? We stated when we got back, we were willing to work our way back up the ranks - but they demanded we get a shot.

TW: Way we got it figured, Susie, KZ want to put us in our place. Make sure we know they got the prime line at the top of they quarterpipe around here. Beat us down, put the fear of Mojo into us. They see getting pinned as a bad thing, and they have to prove they aren't vunerable after all.

JWW: That's the problem. THEY got to prove it! We don't! We're the team starting at the bottom, just back from the wipe out to end all wipe outs. We got nothing to lose -

TW: We can get crazy! Off the hook, over the edge, 720 Full-on with a Superman Seatgrab. And if we crash and burn? Get pinned? Dude - THEY SHOULD WIN!

JWW: But ask youself, KZ - what if you don't? We've already been shredded, beat down, busted up, blown up, squashed under 500 pounds of Mikey Steiner. What if you do everything you do so very well - and lose?

TW: Dudes - you called us out. You want it our heads? C'mon in! We're all crazy here!

JWW: But in the end, you can't keep up with us, you can't beat us down far enough, and you can't get in our heads. That's the cold hard facts guys.

TW: Big Air, No Limits and No Fear, KZ - Welcome to our world! You're in for a Wild Ride - it fast, it's high....

JWW: But the stop is a stone cold bitch.

[mooseheadjack]

*The door to TCH's locker room swings open, and Curtis "Mr. Hughes" Hughes steps in*

CMHH: I heard somebody was looking for a bodyguard and...

*Mr. Hughes is knocked out by a boomerang. Ric Flair picks up the boomerang, and sees a note taped to it.*

RF: Australian for "Don't waste your time" - WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!!! *drops the boomerang, and elbow drops it repeatedly*

Ron Simmons: Damn.

[mooseheadjack]

BD finishes taping up his wrists as Under Dawg's sorrowful promo time ends.

BD: Wow, he never showed that kind of emotion when we teamed up. I bet we could have been champions too. Now look at me, I'm teaming with a guy I don't know and a guy that used to head up a bunch of guys that tried to kill me once or twice. Man the world of pro wrestling moves fast... (notices the camera man making hand guestures) Umm... yeah. Ax man, you and your rag tag bunch of misfits are in for the ass whupping of a life time when you step in the ring with the greatest technical wrestler in the world, the most devious mind in wrestling today and..and what the hell does A&E do? He's a big guy, he'll probably choke slam you or something. It really doesn't matter. What does matter is that you guys have no idea what you're in for. But you will soon enough.

[mooseheadjack]

Stank & FFC are WALKING~!

FFC - I don't know where she went.

Stank - I'm sure she'll be ok. C'mon let's go hit the bar.

FFC - You don't understand. Bader is...

Stank - AAAGHHH!

FFC - Naked?

Stank looks away while the nude Supreme Court Justice approaches from the opposite direction. FFC stares in disbelief.

Stank - Um... Why is Ruth Bader Ginsburg walking around here naked?

RBG - Damn it! Where's my Robe?

FFC - Your robe is missing?

Stank - You mean to tell me you don't wear any clothes under your robe?

RBG - It's part of the job... Anyway somebody trashed your locker room...

Stank - Wait, wait , TIMEOUT! W.. what were you doing while your... robe was stolen?

A large grin forms on Ruth Bader Ginsburg's face as Ric Flair walks up from behind Capslock and Stank. Flair prances around Bader then let's out a hearty WOOOO! in Stank's face.

RF - ALL... NIGHT... LONG! WOOOOOO!

Stank - Oh god I'm gonna throw up.

FFC - Well alright. Way to go Bader!

Stank - Ric could you AT LEAST loan her your Jacket? Damn!

RF - HOW ABOUT ONE MORE RIDE on SPACE MOUNTAIN BABY!

Stank wretches as Flair and RBG duck into an empty broom closet.

FFC - Ah... to be old and in lust.

[mooseheadjack]

(D&D and The Devil's Brigade are walking in the parking lot. Josh O'Neal is cradling Ginsburg's bat in his hand.)

TO: So where's th' fekkin car?

JO: It shouldn't be too hard to find. The damn thing is lime green, after all.

(Suddenly, the Boogeyman jumps out of the back of a massive SUV!)

Boogeyman: I'M THE BOOGEYMAN, AND THIS CAR IS PROTECTED BY ME!

SH: Damn oversensitive car alarms... Boogey, we're busy. Have you seen the Halfricanmobile?

(Boogeyman points off into the distance, eats a handful of earthworms, and slips back into the SUV.)

HC: I'm going to pay those runts back for what they did to me. Tommy, do you have the molotovs?

TO: Feck yes I do! Th' nancies 'll feckin' pay!

(Josh attacks the car with Ginsburg's bat.)

JO: LOOK! AT THE FRONT OF THE CAR! LIGHTS OUT!

(Harper groans while Spin puts his head in his hands, shaking it sadly. Tommy lights the rags in the Molotov cocktails and tosses one into the back seat.)

SH: Let's see them drive home now. Now, who's for scotch?