Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 1, 2008 19:01:15 GMT -5
[written by FF Capslock]
CC- This is the greatest group of competitors in the world. This is what we fight for. The single most important honor is all of organized competition: the OOWF World Heavyweight Championship. But there are other honors to achieve in the OOWF and we're here to celebrate them tonight. Do they matter? Of course they don't. Is a trophy anything like this belt? No. So why am I here? I don't know. I'm leaving.
[The crowd is shown inside the center while the opening credits roll. Nearly everyone is wearing a bandage or sporting some bruises on their faces, but looking dapper in their OFFICIAL OOWF RENTAL TUXEDOS~!]
Announcer- Ladies and Gentlemen, the OOWF is proud to present, a living legend in the business, The Iron Shiek!
IS- Welcome everyone to Dayton Civic Center, this is Iron Shiek, number one World Wrestling Federation Champwin! Pleasure for me to be in OOWF. Pleasure for me to be host of award show. Pleasure for me to wrestle in the number one city in the world, in the number one arena in the world- Madison Square Garden New York. I am here to introduce everyone and pleasure for me to do. Here to present award for Number One Breakout Star Of The Year is Mr. TheRick!
TR- Hey everyone. I'm really happy to not be hosting this year. Thanks to Iron Shiek for being our chump...er...host tonight.
IS- OOWF number one!
TR- Not really, but they're the only one's who would hire me. I'm here to present the award for breakout star of the year. And the nominees are...
TR- And the winner is...The Halfrican Americans. Way to go fellas. I'm going to a bar to get drunk. Fuck all of you. Goodnight!
[The Halfrican Americans walk up to the podium]
Fly- G'yeah! You had ta KNOW we's gonna win dis herr award, dun. Halfrican Americans is breakin' out all ova da OOWF!
Nayr- Breakin' out like herpes bee-yotch!
Fly- I wanna thank God almighty, thanks fo givin me da ability ta choke bitches out an' blast caps in mu'erfuckers. I wanna thank muh moms. I wanna find muh pops. And dat's it, yo. Peace!
Nayr- We're out bitches. We just came for this and now we got 40's to drink and caps to blast. Late!
[They walk off the stage as we cut to commercials]
***ads***
IS- Welcome back to OOWF. Number One wrestling promotion in the world! This former World Wrestling Federation Champwin Iron Shiek. Pleasure for me to host number one wrestling award show in the world!
[Iron Shiek's cellphone rings]
IS- Oh...Iron Shiek must answer number one cellphone in the world. Hello! This former World Wrestling Federation Champwin Iron Shiek. Pleasure for me to answer telephone...yes...yes...check bounced? Okay...okay...thanks Berry. You are number one agent in the world. Okay OOWF! OOWF not pay me so I leave. OOWF- hack-ptooey!
[There is a silence and a few people in the crowd cough. A few minutes pass until finally Ric Flair walks out onto the stage.]
RF- Wooooooo!
Crowd- Woooooooo!
RF- This is Ric, woooo!, Flair! And by God I'm here to give an award away! I am here, live here tonight! Here! Live! Right here tonight to give this award for the heel of the, wooooo! Year! The, woooooo! Nominees, wooooo! Are!
RF- And the winners are! The Chickenshit, wooooooooo! Heels!
[The Chickenshit Heels walk onto the stage]
JA- Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
AA- Because you read the polls.
JA- Can you go three minutes without reminding everyone that this is rigged?
AA- Well, not so much rigged as a posting on a messageboard.
JA- That's not even breaking kayfabe anymore. Now you're ruining our entire reality.
AA- I'm trying something new.
JA- Well, stop it. I was gonna say that I'm not surprised because we're the best damned heels in the company.
AA- And we have the promos to prove it.
JA- No, I don't think we ever got them back.
AA- Shit. I hate continuity. I'm going to WWE where it doesn't exist.
JA- They'd never let your fat ass in.
AA- Words hurt, Johnny.
JA- I just wanna take our award. Where is it?
[They turn around and see Ric Flair without his pants on elbow dropping the Heel Of The Year award]
AA- Come on Ric, we gotta go.
RF- Wooooooooo!
[The Chickenshit Heels walk off stage with Ric and we go to commercial]
***ads***
Announcer: Ladies and gentelmen, The OOWF is proud the present, WWE World Heavyweight Champion John Cena!
JC- Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! In this industry, its all about being real. And real recognizes real. This is the award for the only person as real as me, the best NPC in the OOWF!
JC- So I gots to give out this here award now. And the award goes to...Missy!
[Silence is heard and no one enters]
JC- Alright, I guess Missy is out hoing around somewhere, so here to accept the award on behalf of Missy is the second place winner, LADDER!
[Two stagehands bring LADDER out to the podium]
LADDER- ...
[The stagehands take LADDER offstage and we cut to commercials]
***ads***
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the OOWF is proud to present, recently exonerated child-murder suspect, John Karr!
JK- Hi everyone. I'm here to confess something. I took the bag of promos.
Stank- No, we have them.
JK- Okay, well I drove the car that hit Steve Austin.
Voltage- That was Rikishi, mate.
JK- I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
MHJ- No. That was me.
JK- Um...well, I'm here to present the award for best heel.
Ric Flair- I already did that. Woooooo!
JK- Um...what am I here for?
Announcer- Best Move Name
JK- Oh. Well, the nominess are...
JK- The Devil's Brigade with The Triple Six!
[The Devil's Brigade walk onto the stage]
HC- Gosh. That's fantastic. We have so many people to thank. All the inferior wrestlers in the OOWF who were incompetant enough to allow us to preform the move, my dealer...I mean, personal physician who made me what I am today and of course, my partner Tommy.
TO- I'd lak ta thank 'arpa, an de fekkin' wanka' makifardika' reca' nes' tha mak' tak' ni' pes' wecka' notty.
HC- That was beautiful, man.
TO- Fanks.
HC- We're gonna leave now. I'm tired of looking at you awful people.
JK- I put the bomp in the bomp-sha-bomp-sha-bomp.
Capellan- Did you put the Ram in the Ramalama-ding-dong?
JK- No.
Cap- Oh. Well, if you find him, tell him I'm looking for him. I gotta shake his hand.
JK- Will do.
[John Karr wonders off and we cut to commercial]
***ads***
Announcer: please wlcome back, the GM of the OOWF, The Rick!
TR- Jesus Christ we gotta get our finances together. This show is not gonna be over any time soon without a host so let's move this along. Here to present the award for Gimmick Of The Year is The Boogeyman.
TB- I'm the BOOGEYMAN! And I'm here to present an AWARD! Here's the NOMINEES!
TB- I'm the BOOGEYMAN! And its actually a TIE!
[the crowd clammors briefly]
TB- The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 and The Chickenshit Heels!
[Stank, Capslock, AA and Johnny come on the stage]
AA- Wow. We won a second award! We're damn good.
FFC- I'd just like to than-
[The Rick come in with a box of trophies and interrupts their speeches]
TR- Good God- I wanna go home. Here. You guys also all won Fead Of The Year and Angle Of The Year. Chickenshits, you guys got Tag Team Of The Year and Capslock you won Best Catchphrase for telling Johnny to shut the fuck up, and you guys won Match Of The Year with Devil's Brigade and wCw for the Bamboo Scaffold Match from New Year's Evil.
[He starts distributing the trophies. He tosses some of the Match Of The Year awards at a sleeping wCw in the audience, of of them bashes off of Tommy Wilder's head. Without thinking about it, he blades]
TR- Now get the hell out of here, I am getting really tired of this.
[The Rick ushers everyone off the stage and everyone who didn't win yet starts leaving from the audience. We cut to a commercial]
***ads***
TR- Here we go people. here to present the award for Promo of the Year is Jessica Simpson!
JS- Hey wresting! I'm here to present the award for Porno of the Year! Wait...yeah.
[Chyna and Sean Waltman come out]
C- I'm so excited to even be nominated!
SW- I'm hoping to pawn the award for crank.
TR- No no no no no! Even if we had an award for that no one enjoyed seeing this asshole sucking that amazon's cock. Its promo of the year, stupid. Get out of this building you two.
C- That guy's rude.
SW- What a dick. And if you're not down with that, I got two word's for ya!
What's Left Of The Audience- ...
SW- Oh come on!
[The Rick has Chyna and Waltman removed and takes a long hard swig off of his flask]
JS- Here's the nominationee for Pronto of the Year!
JS- And the winner is...The OWFF Airport Ride!
[The Chickenshit Heels come back onto the stage dragging a gunny sack full of trophies]
TR- You can't have this one, it was more of an ensemble piece.
JA- Yeah, but who started it?
TR- SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHNNY!
FFC- Hey!
TR- I can use that if I want. I own you, pal.
FFC- Just wanted to compliment you on proper usage, sir.
TR- Damn strait. You all win this award. Get the hell out of here you two. You're not even nominated for anyhing else, you can just go ahead and leave the building.
AA- We might win some more anyways.
TR- Remind me again why I haven't fired you guys?
JA- Ratings?
TR- No. That can't be it. Just leave.
[Attitude Adjuster throws his back out dragging the gunny sack. He screams and Wilder wakes up and inexplicably blades again, then nods back off and we cut to commercial]
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Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, The OOWF is proud to present, here to present the award for Best Finisher, the living legend, Mr. Dick Clark!
DC-...what? What did I...what? I don't know where I am...my pants just got heavier...
DC- I'm supposed to...what? Read what? The Team From...what? Who's talking? Down Under? Down under what? Can someone tell me my name?
[The Team From Down Under come onstage]
OBJ- Wow. I gotta say we're real honored to have this, mate. Its really great to be honored like this. This honor is really...honorable.
GB- Sean O'Haire rules!
OBJ- Oh just drop it.
GB- We did it for you, Sean!
OBJ- No, we didn't.
[Sean O'Haire enters from offstage]
GB- Sean! Oh my God! I'm so glad you came!
SO- Yeah, I just came to deliver this restraining order. Quit hanging around in my yard.
[Sean runs off as Gatorbait runs after him trying to hug him. Outback Jack grabs their trophies and walks off as we cut to commercial]
***ads***
[The Rick walks out to address the few remaining people still in the crowd]
TR- Hey everybody. Well...whoever's left anyways. I'm actually glad that most of you left. We kinda ran out of money for special guests so all I have left is posters in the forums section of my website. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. E.F.G.!
E.F.G.- In the obsolete rhelm of faces and heels, there are some who stand out above the others. But in the eyes of the fans, who are all idiots, the faces are the wrestlers that they cheer for. They're all marks, but they determine who sells the most merchandise and therefore who morons like Vince MacMahon and Moosehead Jack shove down our throats. Basically the award for best face in nothing but proof that you are a sell-out and you're overused and you're a tool for ratings. If you win this award, you should kill yourself. And the nominees are...
E.F.G.- And the worthless corporate drone who has to live with this validation of your disgustingness is...Capellan!
[Capellan jumps up excitedly and shoves Westgaard awake he tries to get Wilder awake who leans over, blades, then goes back to sleep]
Cap- Wow...just, wow. That's amazing. I can't believe I got this. Wooo! This rules. I gotta thank JW and Tommy, you guys rock. I gotta thank Mountain Dew, Red Bull and Independant Skateboards. You guys are the best sponsers...no, friends that I caould ever hope for. To you heels who I faced this year and the heels I'm gonna face in the coming year, you guys better watch your ass, cause I'm just getting started. THANK YOU OOWF, GOODNIGHT!
[Capellan and Westgaard run off to go hanggliding, chugging Red Bull's all the way. A few more people use the opprotunity to sneal out the back and The Rick comes back out]
TR- We got one more award left, and I don't have anybody left to present it. So I'll do this myself. Wrestler of the Year. Roll the video.
TR- And the winner is...what? Are you shitting me? Fuckin' Thim Reynolds.
[After the announcement is made Thim looks first shocked, then disbelieving, then seemingly overwhelmed, and he walks up onto the stage holding his face with one hand visibly shaking with emotion. He accepts the award from theRick, makes his way to the microphone and takes a few moments to calm himself before talking]
Thim- Thank you, thank you everyone. It is indeed a great honour for me to accept this award the Wrestler of the Year tonight, and it is of course made all the greater having been voted for by you all, my peers, and I've want to keep this brief but do just want to say one thing...
[Thim seems once more overcome with emotion, covering his face and bowing his head - but when he looks back up his face has changed into a snarl]
Thim- IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU RECOGNISED JUST WHO THE HELL I AM!!! I'm the WRESTLER OF THE YEAR . . . it says so right here, and now it's not just me that thinks it, this proves that most of you now know it as well. And you should. After all, look what I've done for this company. OK, so I've not been here for the full 2 years this ramshackle band has been going for but look at the state they were in before I arrived. Just a bunch of garbage backyard wrestlers clobbering each other with anything they could find every Wednesday. I joined up because I needed a break in this country, a way to get my name and face out there. I tried it your way but it was never going to work. The whole place relied on a pack mentality and I just didn't know enough people for that to work so I fell back on what I knew I could do . . . I wrestled!!
I did it so well in fact that a new title was created especially for me. A title based on real wrestling, a title when sneak attacks didn't count, where the ability to swing a chair meant nothing, the Onslaught title. It's named after the damn company YOU all work for it was that important. And while I was robbed of the first awarding of that title by the same piece of shit that currently has the belt, I got hold of it quickly enough and made it mean something.
Eventually it was time to move on and, having personally elevated many of you up to the stage where you were actually capable of competing for such a belt, I set my sight on the World title. Of course you all know that, having talked long and hard with my two good and probably only friends in this company, Mooseheadjack and LD Williams, I took the decision that perhaps it was not quite the right time just yet and so set my sights once more on MY Onslaught title. To nobody's surprise, particularly my own, I won it back at the first available opportunity . . . and to do it I was put into a 4 way elimination match. Somebody somewhere was obviously pulling strings. Now I don't know if they were trying to stop me taking my title back or just trying to give me a good solid workout and the fans a good match but that blue cage match perhaps stands out of all the matches I can remember as perhaps the easiest win of my entire career.
[Everyone has left the arena, except for a sleeping, bleeding Tommy Wilder. Rick throws the keys to Thim Raynolds telling him to lock up when he's done]
Thim- Let's remember, who was there?? Ah yes Blackdragon, now that guy has potential. Jim Jones . . . err who, whatever, you see how easy this was . . . and of course Concrete TG, or flat head as I like to call him from now on . . . and why? My god did you see last week. After a once more perfectly executed match the waste of space known as Firechild once more cheated me out of the title - only this time he's done me a favour . . . not being the champion put me into Imperial Onslaught . . . not being the champion gave me another shot at the big one, at least what the outside world sees as the big one. We here all know that if competed for in the spirit that is intended the Onslaught Title is the pinnacle of our business, but if I want to move onwards and upwards into the real big leagues and away from the cesspool that is the OOWF I need to get noticed and to do that I need the World Title Belt.
Being in Imperial Onslaught gave me the chance to once again get my hands on so many of you idiots that actually voted for me and show you first hand that you were right to do so . . . it also gave me to opportunity to perform some liberal and unsubtle plastic surgery on the side of Concretes head with a chair!! And most of all it gave me the opportunity to once more become the number ONE CONTENDER for the WORLD TITLE!!
Now Cole . . . your time is running short, they'll be no holding me back this time. We struck a deal with you guys before and that was the only thing that kept me off your back but you and the rest of the Sets actions last week have changed all that for good. I'm gunning for you Cole, I'm gunning for you and the rest of the set and I'm not going to rest until I take you all down. Now for some strange reason we've both been given the week off next week, I'm facing Apocalyptic Existence and you've got Underdawg. Frankly it doesn't matter who the hell I face, the way I feel at the moment they'll be lucky if it takes them less than 6 months to learn to walk again afterwards. And you know that Underdawg is as dumb as an SFJ so I'm sure you'll have no trouble there but look just a bit further down the road Chris . . . you'll see me staring back at you. You can try to stop Chris but you're not going to be able to . . . no matter what tricks you try and use, no matter how many lawyers you employ Chris, I'm not going away this time.
[The lights dim and the credits start to roll over Thim]
I'm gonna be right here waiting for you with my title shot in hand, ready to take the World Title from your cold dead hands if necessary. Remember that Chris . . . This is my year . . . THIS IS MY TIME . . . This is the year that THIM REYNOLDS the BORN AGAIN HARD BRITISH BASTARD get to the top of your mountain and throws you the FUCK OFF IT!!!
[End]
***Thanks to Jodrell, Concrete TG and Chris is Good517 for the help via AIM. Brilliant speech Jo. Thanks to Tarheel Mike for the assistance, for providing a brilliant template last year and for choosing me for the monumental and impossible task of following up your's. Thanks to everyone else in the OOWF, you guys are a blast to play this game with, I hope I've represented you half-decently. And of course, thanks to Moosehead Jack for the hand, for entrusting me with this and for keeping my favorite waste of time ever going. Thank you for the OOWF Moose***
***I wanted to add my own thank you to this thing. Thank you to everyone who contributes to the threads in promos, and sends me ideas for things, without that help, this would not have lasted two years. Thank you Mike for spending FAR too many hours on IM with me hashing out ideas, again, without a good idea man, this would have dried up. And finally, thanks again to Mike, Jodrell, M-Kid, Crete, AA, LDW, MadJack, Blackdragon, Foreskin, Ryan, Spin, CD and anyone else who has written a match for me. Seriously guys, without you, this would stop tomorrow. I wouldn’t have the patience, time, or desire to write full cards each week. I know I can count on you to come through, and I appreciate that so much. Here’s to another fun year!***
Huge thanks to Figure Foreskin for taking the time to write this year's awards. We all really appreciate your effort. Well done sir, well done!
CC- This is the greatest group of competitors in the world. This is what we fight for. The single most important honor is all of organized competition: the OOWF World Heavyweight Championship. But there are other honors to achieve in the OOWF and we're here to celebrate them tonight. Do they matter? Of course they don't. Is a trophy anything like this belt? No. So why am I here? I don't know. I'm leaving.
[The crowd is shown inside the center while the opening credits roll. Nearly everyone is wearing a bandage or sporting some bruises on their faces, but looking dapper in their OFFICIAL OOWF RENTAL TUXEDOS~!]
Announcer- Ladies and Gentlemen, the OOWF is proud to present, a living legend in the business, The Iron Shiek!
IS- Welcome everyone to Dayton Civic Center, this is Iron Shiek, number one World Wrestling Federation Champwin! Pleasure for me to be in OOWF. Pleasure for me to be host of award show. Pleasure for me to wrestle in the number one city in the world, in the number one arena in the world- Madison Square Garden New York. I am here to introduce everyone and pleasure for me to do. Here to present award for Number One Breakout Star Of The Year is Mr. TheRick!
TR- Hey everyone. I'm really happy to not be hosting this year. Thanks to Iron Shiek for being our chump...er...host tonight.
IS- OOWF number one!
TR- Not really, but they're the only one's who would hire me. I'm here to present the award for breakout star of the year. And the nominees are...
TR- And the winner is...The Halfrican Americans. Way to go fellas. I'm going to a bar to get drunk. Fuck all of you. Goodnight!
[The Halfrican Americans walk up to the podium]
Fly- G'yeah! You had ta KNOW we's gonna win dis herr award, dun. Halfrican Americans is breakin' out all ova da OOWF!
Nayr- Breakin' out like herpes bee-yotch!
Fly- I wanna thank God almighty, thanks fo givin me da ability ta choke bitches out an' blast caps in mu'erfuckers. I wanna thank muh moms. I wanna find muh pops. And dat's it, yo. Peace!
Nayr- We're out bitches. We just came for this and now we got 40's to drink and caps to blast. Late!
[They walk off the stage as we cut to commercials]
***ads***
IS- Welcome back to OOWF. Number One wrestling promotion in the world! This former World Wrestling Federation Champwin Iron Shiek. Pleasure for me to host number one wrestling award show in the world!
[Iron Shiek's cellphone rings]
IS- Oh...Iron Shiek must answer number one cellphone in the world. Hello! This former World Wrestling Federation Champwin Iron Shiek. Pleasure for me to answer telephone...yes...yes...check bounced? Okay...okay...thanks Berry. You are number one agent in the world. Okay OOWF! OOWF not pay me so I leave. OOWF- hack-ptooey!
[There is a silence and a few people in the crowd cough. A few minutes pass until finally Ric Flair walks out onto the stage.]
RF- Wooooooo!
Crowd- Woooooooo!
RF- This is Ric, woooo!, Flair! And by God I'm here to give an award away! I am here, live here tonight! Here! Live! Right here tonight to give this award for the heel of the, wooooo! Year! The, woooooo! Nominees, wooooo! Are!
RF- And the winners are! The Chickenshit, wooooooooo! Heels!
[The Chickenshit Heels walk onto the stage]
JA- Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
AA- Because you read the polls.
JA- Can you go three minutes without reminding everyone that this is rigged?
AA- Well, not so much rigged as a posting on a messageboard.
JA- That's not even breaking kayfabe anymore. Now you're ruining our entire reality.
AA- I'm trying something new.
JA- Well, stop it. I was gonna say that I'm not surprised because we're the best damned heels in the company.
AA- And we have the promos to prove it.
JA- No, I don't think we ever got them back.
AA- Shit. I hate continuity. I'm going to WWE where it doesn't exist.
JA- They'd never let your fat ass in.
AA- Words hurt, Johnny.
JA- I just wanna take our award. Where is it?
[They turn around and see Ric Flair without his pants on elbow dropping the Heel Of The Year award]
AA- Come on Ric, we gotta go.
RF- Wooooooooo!
[The Chickenshit Heels walk off stage with Ric and we go to commercial]
***ads***
Announcer: Ladies and gentelmen, The OOWF is proud the present, WWE World Heavyweight Champion John Cena!
JC- Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! In this industry, its all about being real. And real recognizes real. This is the award for the only person as real as me, the best NPC in the OOWF!
JC- So I gots to give out this here award now. And the award goes to...Missy!
[Silence is heard and no one enters]
JC- Alright, I guess Missy is out hoing around somewhere, so here to accept the award on behalf of Missy is the second place winner, LADDER!
[Two stagehands bring LADDER out to the podium]
LADDER- ...
[The stagehands take LADDER offstage and we cut to commercials]
***ads***
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the OOWF is proud to present, recently exonerated child-murder suspect, John Karr!
JK- Hi everyone. I'm here to confess something. I took the bag of promos.
Stank- No, we have them.
JK- Okay, well I drove the car that hit Steve Austin.
Voltage- That was Rikishi, mate.
JK- I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
MHJ- No. That was me.
JK- Um...well, I'm here to present the award for best heel.
Ric Flair- I already did that. Woooooo!
JK- Um...what am I here for?
Announcer- Best Move Name
JK- Oh. Well, the nominess are...
JK- The Devil's Brigade with The Triple Six!
[The Devil's Brigade walk onto the stage]
HC- Gosh. That's fantastic. We have so many people to thank. All the inferior wrestlers in the OOWF who were incompetant enough to allow us to preform the move, my dealer...I mean, personal physician who made me what I am today and of course, my partner Tommy.
TO- I'd lak ta thank 'arpa, an de fekkin' wanka' makifardika' reca' nes' tha mak' tak' ni' pes' wecka' notty.
HC- That was beautiful, man.
TO- Fanks.
HC- We're gonna leave now. I'm tired of looking at you awful people.
JK- I put the bomp in the bomp-sha-bomp-sha-bomp.
Capellan- Did you put the Ram in the Ramalama-ding-dong?
JK- No.
Cap- Oh. Well, if you find him, tell him I'm looking for him. I gotta shake his hand.
JK- Will do.
[John Karr wonders off and we cut to commercial]
***ads***
Announcer: please wlcome back, the GM of the OOWF, The Rick!
TR- Jesus Christ we gotta get our finances together. This show is not gonna be over any time soon without a host so let's move this along. Here to present the award for Gimmick Of The Year is The Boogeyman.
TB- I'm the BOOGEYMAN! And I'm here to present an AWARD! Here's the NOMINEES!
TB- I'm the BOOGEYMAN! And its actually a TIE!
[the crowd clammors briefly]
TB- The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 and The Chickenshit Heels!
[Stank, Capslock, AA and Johnny come on the stage]
AA- Wow. We won a second award! We're damn good.
FFC- I'd just like to than-
[The Rick come in with a box of trophies and interrupts their speeches]
TR- Good God- I wanna go home. Here. You guys also all won Fead Of The Year and Angle Of The Year. Chickenshits, you guys got Tag Team Of The Year and Capslock you won Best Catchphrase for telling Johnny to shut the fuck up, and you guys won Match Of The Year with Devil's Brigade and wCw for the Bamboo Scaffold Match from New Year's Evil.
[He starts distributing the trophies. He tosses some of the Match Of The Year awards at a sleeping wCw in the audience, of of them bashes off of Tommy Wilder's head. Without thinking about it, he blades]
TR- Now get the hell out of here, I am getting really tired of this.
[The Rick ushers everyone off the stage and everyone who didn't win yet starts leaving from the audience. We cut to a commercial]
***ads***
TR- Here we go people. here to present the award for Promo of the Year is Jessica Simpson!
JS- Hey wresting! I'm here to present the award for Porno of the Year! Wait...yeah.
[Chyna and Sean Waltman come out]
C- I'm so excited to even be nominated!
SW- I'm hoping to pawn the award for crank.
TR- No no no no no! Even if we had an award for that no one enjoyed seeing this asshole sucking that amazon's cock. Its promo of the year, stupid. Get out of this building you two.
C- That guy's rude.
SW- What a dick. And if you're not down with that, I got two word's for ya!
What's Left Of The Audience- ...
SW- Oh come on!
[The Rick has Chyna and Waltman removed and takes a long hard swig off of his flask]
JS- Here's the nominationee for Pronto of the Year!
JS- And the winner is...The OWFF Airport Ride!
[The Chickenshit Heels come back onto the stage dragging a gunny sack full of trophies]
TR- You can't have this one, it was more of an ensemble piece.
JA- Yeah, but who started it?
TR- SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHNNY!
FFC- Hey!
TR- I can use that if I want. I own you, pal.
FFC- Just wanted to compliment you on proper usage, sir.
TR- Damn strait. You all win this award. Get the hell out of here you two. You're not even nominated for anyhing else, you can just go ahead and leave the building.
AA- We might win some more anyways.
TR- Remind me again why I haven't fired you guys?
JA- Ratings?
TR- No. That can't be it. Just leave.
[Attitude Adjuster throws his back out dragging the gunny sack. He screams and Wilder wakes up and inexplicably blades again, then nods back off and we cut to commercial]
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Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, The OOWF is proud to present, here to present the award for Best Finisher, the living legend, Mr. Dick Clark!
DC-...what? What did I...what? I don't know where I am...my pants just got heavier...
DC- I'm supposed to...what? Read what? The Team From...what? Who's talking? Down Under? Down under what? Can someone tell me my name?
[The Team From Down Under come onstage]
OBJ- Wow. I gotta say we're real honored to have this, mate. Its really great to be honored like this. This honor is really...honorable.
GB- Sean O'Haire rules!
OBJ- Oh just drop it.
GB- We did it for you, Sean!
OBJ- No, we didn't.
[Sean O'Haire enters from offstage]
GB- Sean! Oh my God! I'm so glad you came!
SO- Yeah, I just came to deliver this restraining order. Quit hanging around in my yard.
[Sean runs off as Gatorbait runs after him trying to hug him. Outback Jack grabs their trophies and walks off as we cut to commercial]
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[The Rick walks out to address the few remaining people still in the crowd]
TR- Hey everybody. Well...whoever's left anyways. I'm actually glad that most of you left. We kinda ran out of money for special guests so all I have left is posters in the forums section of my website. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. E.F.G.!
E.F.G.- In the obsolete rhelm of faces and heels, there are some who stand out above the others. But in the eyes of the fans, who are all idiots, the faces are the wrestlers that they cheer for. They're all marks, but they determine who sells the most merchandise and therefore who morons like Vince MacMahon and Moosehead Jack shove down our throats. Basically the award for best face in nothing but proof that you are a sell-out and you're overused and you're a tool for ratings. If you win this award, you should kill yourself. And the nominees are...
E.F.G.- And the worthless corporate drone who has to live with this validation of your disgustingness is...Capellan!
[Capellan jumps up excitedly and shoves Westgaard awake he tries to get Wilder awake who leans over, blades, then goes back to sleep]
Cap- Wow...just, wow. That's amazing. I can't believe I got this. Wooo! This rules. I gotta thank JW and Tommy, you guys rock. I gotta thank Mountain Dew, Red Bull and Independant Skateboards. You guys are the best sponsers...no, friends that I caould ever hope for. To you heels who I faced this year and the heels I'm gonna face in the coming year, you guys better watch your ass, cause I'm just getting started. THANK YOU OOWF, GOODNIGHT!
[Capellan and Westgaard run off to go hanggliding, chugging Red Bull's all the way. A few more people use the opprotunity to sneal out the back and The Rick comes back out]
TR- We got one more award left, and I don't have anybody left to present it. So I'll do this myself. Wrestler of the Year. Roll the video.
TR- And the winner is...what? Are you shitting me? Fuckin' Thim Reynolds.
[After the announcement is made Thim looks first shocked, then disbelieving, then seemingly overwhelmed, and he walks up onto the stage holding his face with one hand visibly shaking with emotion. He accepts the award from theRick, makes his way to the microphone and takes a few moments to calm himself before talking]
Thim- Thank you, thank you everyone. It is indeed a great honour for me to accept this award the Wrestler of the Year tonight, and it is of course made all the greater having been voted for by you all, my peers, and I've want to keep this brief but do just want to say one thing...
[Thim seems once more overcome with emotion, covering his face and bowing his head - but when he looks back up his face has changed into a snarl]
Thim- IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU RECOGNISED JUST WHO THE HELL I AM!!! I'm the WRESTLER OF THE YEAR . . . it says so right here, and now it's not just me that thinks it, this proves that most of you now know it as well. And you should. After all, look what I've done for this company. OK, so I've not been here for the full 2 years this ramshackle band has been going for but look at the state they were in before I arrived. Just a bunch of garbage backyard wrestlers clobbering each other with anything they could find every Wednesday. I joined up because I needed a break in this country, a way to get my name and face out there. I tried it your way but it was never going to work. The whole place relied on a pack mentality and I just didn't know enough people for that to work so I fell back on what I knew I could do . . . I wrestled!!
I did it so well in fact that a new title was created especially for me. A title based on real wrestling, a title when sneak attacks didn't count, where the ability to swing a chair meant nothing, the Onslaught title. It's named after the damn company YOU all work for it was that important. And while I was robbed of the first awarding of that title by the same piece of shit that currently has the belt, I got hold of it quickly enough and made it mean something.
Eventually it was time to move on and, having personally elevated many of you up to the stage where you were actually capable of competing for such a belt, I set my sight on the World title. Of course you all know that, having talked long and hard with my two good and probably only friends in this company, Mooseheadjack and LD Williams, I took the decision that perhaps it was not quite the right time just yet and so set my sights once more on MY Onslaught title. To nobody's surprise, particularly my own, I won it back at the first available opportunity . . . and to do it I was put into a 4 way elimination match. Somebody somewhere was obviously pulling strings. Now I don't know if they were trying to stop me taking my title back or just trying to give me a good solid workout and the fans a good match but that blue cage match perhaps stands out of all the matches I can remember as perhaps the easiest win of my entire career.
[Everyone has left the arena, except for a sleeping, bleeding Tommy Wilder. Rick throws the keys to Thim Raynolds telling him to lock up when he's done]
Thim- Let's remember, who was there?? Ah yes Blackdragon, now that guy has potential. Jim Jones . . . err who, whatever, you see how easy this was . . . and of course Concrete TG, or flat head as I like to call him from now on . . . and why? My god did you see last week. After a once more perfectly executed match the waste of space known as Firechild once more cheated me out of the title - only this time he's done me a favour . . . not being the champion put me into Imperial Onslaught . . . not being the champion gave me another shot at the big one, at least what the outside world sees as the big one. We here all know that if competed for in the spirit that is intended the Onslaught Title is the pinnacle of our business, but if I want to move onwards and upwards into the real big leagues and away from the cesspool that is the OOWF I need to get noticed and to do that I need the World Title Belt.
Being in Imperial Onslaught gave me the chance to once again get my hands on so many of you idiots that actually voted for me and show you first hand that you were right to do so . . . it also gave me to opportunity to perform some liberal and unsubtle plastic surgery on the side of Concretes head with a chair!! And most of all it gave me the opportunity to once more become the number ONE CONTENDER for the WORLD TITLE!!
Now Cole . . . your time is running short, they'll be no holding me back this time. We struck a deal with you guys before and that was the only thing that kept me off your back but you and the rest of the Sets actions last week have changed all that for good. I'm gunning for you Cole, I'm gunning for you and the rest of the set and I'm not going to rest until I take you all down. Now for some strange reason we've both been given the week off next week, I'm facing Apocalyptic Existence and you've got Underdawg. Frankly it doesn't matter who the hell I face, the way I feel at the moment they'll be lucky if it takes them less than 6 months to learn to walk again afterwards. And you know that Underdawg is as dumb as an SFJ so I'm sure you'll have no trouble there but look just a bit further down the road Chris . . . you'll see me staring back at you. You can try to stop Chris but you're not going to be able to . . . no matter what tricks you try and use, no matter how many lawyers you employ Chris, I'm not going away this time.
[The lights dim and the credits start to roll over Thim]
I'm gonna be right here waiting for you with my title shot in hand, ready to take the World Title from your cold dead hands if necessary. Remember that Chris . . . This is my year . . . THIS IS MY TIME . . . This is the year that THIM REYNOLDS the BORN AGAIN HARD BRITISH BASTARD get to the top of your mountain and throws you the FUCK OFF IT!!!
[End]
***Thanks to Jodrell, Concrete TG and Chris is Good517 for the help via AIM. Brilliant speech Jo. Thanks to Tarheel Mike for the assistance, for providing a brilliant template last year and for choosing me for the monumental and impossible task of following up your's. Thanks to everyone else in the OOWF, you guys are a blast to play this game with, I hope I've represented you half-decently. And of course, thanks to Moosehead Jack for the hand, for entrusting me with this and for keeping my favorite waste of time ever going. Thank you for the OOWF Moose***
***I wanted to add my own thank you to this thing. Thank you to everyone who contributes to the threads in promos, and sends me ideas for things, without that help, this would not have lasted two years. Thank you Mike for spending FAR too many hours on IM with me hashing out ideas, again, without a good idea man, this would have dried up. And finally, thanks again to Mike, Jodrell, M-Kid, Crete, AA, LDW, MadJack, Blackdragon, Foreskin, Ryan, Spin, CD and anyone else who has written a match for me. Seriously guys, without you, this would stop tomorrow. I wouldn’t have the patience, time, or desire to write full cards each week. I know I can count on you to come through, and I appreciate that so much. Here’s to another fun year!***
Huge thanks to Figure Foreskin for taking the time to write this year's awards. We all really appreciate your effort. Well done sir, well done!