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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:26:55 GMT -5
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem Live! From Puntos Arenas, Chile <we open with a solemn and somber looking Russ and Razz standing in front of the OOWF blue screen> Russ: Sometime late Sunday night, or early Tuesday morning, former OOWF wrestler Brad “The Biscuit” Smoley was found dead in his apartment in Baltimore. Along with Smoley were two people assumed to be his wife and kid, though we here at the OOWF were not aware of Smoley not having any family that wasn’t paid for. Officials said the body was bloated and reeked terribly, which led them to believe the body had been there for several days. Those of us who knew Mr. Smoley know that that may not necessarily be the case, as that tended to be his natural state. Our thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who claimed Mr. Smoley as family.
Razz: It’s a tough thing Russ, but I think most of us really kind of expected this anyway. I mean the guy looked like he was going to have a heart attack when he tied his shoes, so I can’t say I am surprised. Anyway the wrestling world lost a great, errr good, well, decent…..the wrestling world lost someone who worked in this business. But hey, the show must go on right?
Russ: And with that, we now take you to the OOWF show, live from Puntos Arenas, ChileOBJ is sitting in the back drinking a beer and looking reflective, “I'm sorry to hear about this, but I don't really remember him that well. Sorry, mate". Jack takes a deep swig of his beer and slowly shakes his head and we fade to black PHANTOS & LUCIOS vs. PUCK DUPP & “CHILE BEAN” AMEZAGAOOWF newcomers Phantos and Lucios make their debut against OOWF developmental worker Puck Dupp and Chilean luchardore legend “Chile Bean” Amezaga. Looks like to start thing off we will have the smaller Phantos against Amezaga. The two men circle and lock up, Amezaga grabs an arm wringer and connects with a crescent kick to the face that sends Phantos to the mat. Amezaga soaks up the fans cheers while Phantos gets to his feet and acknowledges it was a good move. Both men meet in the center of the ring again, another lock up and Amezaga grabs another arm wringer, but before he can hit another crescent kick, Phantos turns and catches Amezaga in the mouth with a boot. Amezaga staggers back to the corner and Phantos charges in and catches him with a monkey flip out of the corner, Amezaga lands on his feet, but by the time he turns around, Phantos is in his feet and catches Amezaga with a super kick to the mouth. Phantos pulls Amezaga to his feet and tags in the more powerful Lucios. Lucios lands a couple of stiff shoulders to the mid section, then hammers Amezaga with forearms to the sides of the head. Lucios whips Amezaga across the ring, and lowers his head a moment too soon and Amezaga flips over his back and lands on his feet, Lucios turns around and gabs Amezaga and hits a release dragon suplex that sends Amezaga back to his corner where he tags in the more powerful Dupp. Dupp charges across the ring, right into a clothesline from Lucios that turns him inside out. Lucios pulls Dupp to his feet and hits a half nelson slam, then whips him hard into the corner, and tags in Phantos. Lucios grabs Dupp and hits a Border Toss while Phantos climbs the top rope and leaps and connects with a flying leg drop just as Dupp hits the mat. Phantos covers, but the pin is broken up at two by Amezaga. Lucios runs in and clotheslines Amezaga to the floor, then Phantos and Lucios turn their attention to a staggered Dupp. Lucios goes high and Phantos goes low, and they nearly cut him in half! Phantos climbs to the top rope again, and this time Lucios gives him an assist, FLYING SPIKE! Puck Dupp is indeed Puck Dupped. Phantos covers, and Lucios knocks Amezaga off the apron, the referee makes the academic three count, and Lucios and Phantos get their first OOWF win! WINNERS in 5:54 – Lucios and Phantos *The camera fades to black to show Canadian Dragon sitting on top of LADDER*
CD: "This is a tragedy that known of us could see coming. A loss that will never be explained. Today the OOWF learned that class has died.
See, a tribute show to Brad Smoley and his family is like a tribute to Superman. It's a tribute to people who sucked and never beat anybody of value. What did Smoley do? Show up and get beat in the middle of the ring? Hell, any hobo off the street could do that.
In fact, if you want a real tribute to the in ring abilities of Smoley, then you should have two hobos wrestle over a sandwich. It'll probably be a better match then anything Smoley pulled out of his ass.
As for his family? Well if anybody honestly believes that Smoley could impregnate at woman...the kid likely killed himself due to the embarrassment of being a Smoley. As for the "wife"? Would you want to live with everyone knowing Smoley blew a load in you? Yeah...I didn't think so.
So Brad Smoley...enjoy hell you worthless piece of shit."
*Dragon walks away as LD Williams and Moose look on in disbelief.*
MHJ: "Fuck man...what got into him?"
LDW: "Well Dragon just found out he WASN'T saving money with Geico."
Ron Simmons: "DAMN!"
*Camera fades to black.*UNDERDAWG vs. JASON SHAPIROJason Shapiro strolls to the ring first. We cut to his promo for the night: I didn’t know Smoley, and quite honestly, I don’t give a damn about him. Sounds like he was a drunk piece of crap who didn’t deserve his spot here in the OOWF. Well Jason Shapiro has earned his spot here in the OOWF, and tonight I am going to prove it by beating Biscuit’s overrated former stablemate UnderDawg.” UnderDawg is driving to the ring in his classic ATV! His license plate says "BSCTRIP", which seems a bit odd. Actually, the fact that the UnderDawg has a license is a bit odd. But he can produce it if asked, sandwiched between his License to Kill and his License to Ill. But he won't produce it for anyone, even traffic cops, because he's just that badass. And evil. Yeah. Remember that time he was accused of trying to kill Kane Eyne? Never even made it to jury. The legal system is UnderDawg's BITCH. Shapiro stares into the gaping maw of the hound of hell, and slaps him. UnderDawg blasts him with a right paw, and then does a leg drop. Shapiro rolls out of the way, and connects with a spinning elbow. However, it seems to have no effect, and UnderDawg tosses him over the ropes to the floor. Dawg climbs through the ropes, leaping off the ring to the floor with a devastating foot stomp that almost kills Shapiro. Shapiro is tossed back into the ring. Instead of following him in, however, Dawg goes to his ATV and opens the backdoor, to reveal... a memorial shrine dedicated to Brad "the Biscuit" Smoley, with photos and mementos from his days in the Ministry of Dawgness! If you think this is weird, UnderDawg will kill you. The ref hesitantly ventures to say, uh, could you please, if it's convenient, return to the ring, at your leisure of course, you know, before the ten second count is over. I mean, I might have to start counting soon. Um, one, uh, which number comes after one, how embarrassing I can't recall mumble mumble mumble. Dawg stares at him, then proceeds towards the ring. However, Shapiro has now recovered, and attacks with a baseball slide to the face that stuns UnderDawg. Shapiro runs the ropes, and leaps into the air for a twisting suicide dive over the ropes! It was pretty impressive too, but unfortunately he is caught by UnderDawg and slammed onto THE. CONCRETE. FLOOR. OH. GOD. FLOORS. HURT. MORE. THAN. WRESTLING. RING. MATS. By normal standards, of course, Shapiro should either be dead or a zombie, but every wrestler these days seems to be Bruce Willis in Live Free or Die Hard co-starring Timothy Olyphant and that kid from Dodgeball. Underdawg grabs Shapiro, hoists him over one shoulder, and climbs onto the apron. Snake eyes onto the inside corner of the turnbuckle, and Shapiro falls limply to the inside of the ring. Dawg grabs Shapiro for a Last Ride Powerbomb! one, two, three, and this one is over. Shapiro is still on the mat. Dawg quietly closes the ATV doors, and drives away. WINNER in 9:04 - UnderDawg JIMBO THE HOBO vs. EL HOBORIFICOCanadian Dragon is our special guest referee. Jimbo attacks, but El Hobo chops away in the corner. He goes low and hammers away. El Hobo goes got a bronco buster, but stops at the middle of the ring when he sees a fan in the stand with a hot dog. El Hob tries to go after the hot dog, but Dragon tosses him back in the ring. Jimbo comes back with a modified body slam for two. Jimbo tries to remove the electrical cord holding up his pants, but Dragon will have none of that saving the crowd from seeing what's under Jimbos torn pants. Thanks to the distraction, El Hobo rolls Jimbo up for two. Jimbo goes to the top for a Hobo Splash, but misses by two feet. El Hobo looks at Dragon and attempts a Canadian Destroyer, but ends up landing on his own head. Jimbo has recovered, and attempts a springboard Dragonsault, but slips on the ropes when he gets an eye full of Flair's sandwich cart. Dragon has had enough and picks up Jimbo and lays him across the sandwich cart. El Hobo is standing on the apron begging for Dragon to give him a sandwich. Dragon grabs a hoagie, and tosses it to the crowd before jumping up to the apron. El Hobo looks crushed and goes to punch Dragon, but he counters that in to a Canadian Destroyer through Jimbo and Flair's sandwich cart. The OOWF's 3rd string medical staff are out to ringside as Dragon leaves through the fans at 5:34. JA: I'll always remember the Biscuit for his silly jokes, but one joke in particular. We'd just come to the OOWF, back in the early days. We didn't really know each other, but the guys back then all hung out and shit. Me, Biscuit, a few other guys were all at this bar a few days before the first OOWF show. And he was screwing off, running his mouth about his stupid Two Dollar Hooker Search or whatever the hell it was. He'd had about 15 shots and was just being flat out obnoxious... not that he needed 15 shots to be obnoxious. But he was telling anyone who would listen how his gimmick was gonna revolutionize the business or something. I finally told him he was full of shit, and that pissed him off, so he gets up in my face and we have words and it looks like we're about to have at it right there. But he stops and says, "Johnny... seriously, I'm putting together a list of girls. Here, it's in my wallet here. So he pulls out his wallet and pulls out a picture, and it's my wife - ya know, at the time. I dropped him with one punch right there, the wallet goes flying. He's passed out on the floor, I'm ready to beat his ass some more, and L.D. Williams comes over with the wallet and hands it to me. The son of a bitch had picked my pocket and pulled out her picture, ya know just to be an asshole. Everybody got a good laugh out of it. Then of course, she turned out to be a hooker anyway, which I found out two months later. We weren't close by any stretch, but we always laughed at that together. God be with you Biscuit. We'll miss you.We cut to the ring where Los Defenestrators and Ecosystem and Voltage are all in the ring [Un! Dos! Tres! Cuatro! Cinco! Seises! Cuenta Cinco O Seises fires up and Los Defenestratores come running out, holding stereotypical Mexican objects such as a piñata, a taco, wearing sombreros and firing illegal fireworks into the air. Surprisingly, they are followed by Ecosystem and Voltage, clapping politely and saluting the crowd.]
Voltage: Alright, we're gonna have a fiesta here! Allllllright!
Eco: I like fiestas.
[Silence from the crowd.]
El Ecosistema: ¡Tenemos gusto de Chile y también tenemos gusto de los chiles!
[The crowd ERUPTS!]
El Voltage: ¡Suramérica es el mejor continente del mundo!
[The crowd erupts in cheers again!]
Voltage: We support communism! Yeah, communism!
[Silence.]
Ecosystem: Dude, I think that's Cuba, not Chile.
Voltage: Oh, right. We support capitalism...and George Bush!
[Boos!]
Ecosystem: This is a fucking tough crowd.
El Ecosistema: ¡Amamos a Michelle Bachelet y sus levemente izquierdos de las políticas del centro son todavía relevantes en tal día y edad! ¡Tu gobierno es la descripción más perfecta de la democracia en nuestro mundo hoy!
Ecosystem: Yeah, what he said! Amamos a Michelle Pfeiffer!
[Silence.]
Voltage: What the fuck is wrong with this crowd?! Anyway, we just wanted to say, this fiesta is dedicated to the memory of Brad 'The Biscuit' Smoley. We are drinking tequila to your memory, bud.
El Voltaje: Si.
Ecosystem: See?
Voltage: See what?
El Ecosistema: Si.
Voltage: Can someone interrupt this already?!
<as if on cue, GM the Rick's music plays and the four men freeze in the ring>
GMtR: Since this is a special night, I guess, and the crowd seems to really be into you Los Defenestrator people, we have a special addition to the card tonight. Tonight, Los Defenestrators will face Kenji and Knife! (the crowd erupts)
Ecosystem: What about us Rick? Don't we get a match?
GMtR:<looking at Eco with disbelief> Right. Uh, no, how bout you take the night off ok, wouldn't want to put you under too much stress or anything
<Ecosystem and Voltage look content and GM the Rick turns to walk away, and comes face to face with an enraged Chris Cole. Rick stands his ground and smirks at Cole and walks around him and heads to the backCHRIS COLE vs. DAVIN MORELANDChris Cole enters the ring first and instantly starts complaining that he—The Main Event—had to enter the ring first. Ref Angelo Poffojas shrugs his shoulders because he doesn’t speak English. That’s what the OOWF gets for hiring local referees. Davin Moreland storms down to the ring and immediately attacks Cole, who had his back turned as all good heels do. Moreland backs him into the corner and pummels him with forearms to the side of the head. Cole clotheslines Moreland to the mat, then mounts him and hammers him with closed fists to the face. The referee warns Cole and threatens him with disqualification. Cole screams “I don’t speak Chilean!” Apparently he doesn’t speak Spanish either. But Cole does stop and glare at the referee, then grabs Moreland’s head, slams it against the mat and then gets in the referee’s face. As Cole is arguing with the referee, Moreland gets to his feet, Cole spins around and nearly decapitates him with a clothesline. Moreland rolls out of the ring and Cole follows him. Instead of attacking, Cole grabs the microphone. Cole: “Is this the best you got? This is a complete f-ing rehash of our fight in Costa Rica a month ago! I’m not going to Ric Flair you to a 5-star match and then watch you go over on me! I’m The Main Event! I’m Chris Cole! (Cole turns to the crowd.) And don’t think I don’t understand you people! You can shout all the derogatory things you want! I understand Chilean, you idiots! Casa de Wackos, pantalones! Arriba my bolgna!” Cole would have continued on his tirade if it wasn’t for Moreland, who nails Cole with a running clothesline to the back of the head, toppling Cole into the crowd. With that, Moreland becomes a fan favorite. A random fan spills a beer on Cole, and a few others start kicking him. Surprisingly, the ref is nowhere to be found. Cole grabs a chair and starts swinging wildly. He hits a concessionaire, three security guards and the ref, but thankfully no fans. We really don’t need any more fans taking shots from the wrestlers. The ref and security guards sell the chair shots like death, but the concessionaire knows he can’t sell beer and a chair shot at the same time, so he no-sells (the chair, not the beer). Cole climbs back over the railing and engages in a 5-star CLUBBERING SLOBBERKNOCKER (TM Dusty Rhodes) that ends with both men hitting each other with haymakers that causes both of them to reel backward, hit their heads against a ring post and fall to the ground. With no ref to count them out, both lay there like a Randy Orton chin lock (Oh, there’s a Benoit joke right there that I passed on.) while fans go to buy T-shirts. Five minutes later, Moreland and Cole get back to their feet. Cole tosses Moreland into the ring, but Moreland retaliates with stomps as Cole slides in. Moreland with a whip to the ropes and hits the BIG MAN POWER SLAM! MARK HENRY MEMORIAL ARM BAR ATTEMPT! But Cole pokes Moreland in the eyes to break that up. TEXAS CLOVERLEAF ATTEMPT by Cole, but Moreland kicks Cole off and into the ropes. Cole bounces off the ropes, steps over Moreland. Moreland gets up, bounces to the ropes, TRIPLE H HIGH KNEE by Cole! Goes for the pin, but still no ref. A look into the crowd sees one of the security guards helping Poffojas over the railing. Cole rolls out of the ring, looks under the ring, and finds CLANGY POLE! Well, not THE CLANGY POLE, because he didn’t re-up his contract, but A CLANGY POLE! Moreland is pulling himself up by the ropes. Cole charges at Moreland with the pole and swings. Moreland ducks! The pole bounces off the ropes and back into Cole’s face! Cole drops the pole, staggers around. A REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! Moreland covers. Poffojas suddenly regains clarity! One, two, three! WINNER in 16:32 (including the 5 minute concession stand break), Davin Moreland. (Ecosystem is sitting at hotel room, tears in his eyes.)
Eco: I can't believe he's gone, y'know. Biscuit...you were a great man. A great wrestler. When I think of all the 5-star matches we could have had...you a big fat white guy, me a scrawny Asian guy...it's terrible, y'know. I was talking with El Ecosistema and he had decided not to wrestle in your honor...except he had decided not to wrestle a week in advance...did he know something? Oh no...oh no...oh crap. We have to edit that part out or else--
*fade out*KENJI & KNIFE vs. LOS DEFENESTRATORSKenji and Knife come to the ring first and receive a resounding chorus of boos. Los Defenestrators come out next, and once again they receive a ridiculous ovation. They make their way to the ring and slap hands with the fans, people pass out, one woman appears to go into a trance and falls to the floor writhing in ecstasy. This is getting ridiculous. Fans litter the path before them with flower petals, and several large women hand El Voltaje and Ecosistema their babies to touch, or bless, or something. The two heroes finally make it to the ring, and Knife and Kenji immediately attack. They hammer El Voltaje and Ecosistema to the mat, then pause briefly to look around, it certainly appears that the crowd is going to riot as debris is thrown toward the ring. The pause gives Ecosistema and El Voltage the chance to fight back. Eco catches Knife with an elbow to the jaw and throws him over the top rope to the floor. El Voltage sends Kenji to the ropes and takes him over and out of the ring with a flying head scissors. Kenji and Knife attempt to regroup for a moment, but then the crowd surges and tries to get to them so they slide back into the ring. Ecosistema grabs Kenji in a waistlock and is about to try a German suplex, but Knife throws a super kick, Kenji ducks, and Eco eats the kick to the mouth. Kenji pulls Eco to his feet and backs him into the corner and beats him to the mat with several thrusts to the throat, then a kick to the face tops it off. Kenji pulls Eco up and puts him in the tree of woe, then tags Knife. Kenji slips out of the ring and grabs Eco’s head and pulls back, Knife comes into the ring and gets a running start and drives a knee right into Eco’s sternum. Eco falls from the corner, gasping for breath and coughing up blood. He crawls half way across the ring and reaches for El Voltaje, Knife appears content to allow the tag, but at the last second he pulls Eco back and drops a series of elbows across his sternum. Knife pulls Eco to his feet and whips him into the corner hard, Eco hits chest first and staggers backward, and Knife connects with a clothesline to the back of the head. The match continues and Eco absorbs a hellacious beating from Kenji and Knife. Finally, they have Eco set up for a spike pile driver, El Voltaje tries to run in and save his partner, but Knife drops Eco and hits Voltaje with a super kick to the mouth. They set Eco up again, but this time someone breaks free from the crowd! Two hooded men slide into the ring with chairs! The smaller one takes the chair and slams it across Knife’s back, when he staggers, he lifts him and hits a CRADLE SHOCK on the chair! The bigger one catches Kenji on the top rope and slams him in the face with the chair, then climbs to the top rope and hits a top rope t-bone suplex! Who the hell is this? They throw back their hoods and reveal……SYB and APOCALYPTIC EXISTENCE!!!! At first the crowd doesn’t know what to do, then they realize they saved Los Defenestrators! The crowd goes insane and cheers the Apocalyptic Bastards! Now I’ve seen everything. SYB and AE will have none of it though, they wait until Ecosistema and El Voltaje get to their feet and offer their hands in a show of respect, then paste them both with chair shots and leave them lying in the middle of the ring. The crowd turns on them in an instant and they quickly escape to the back. WINNERS – No Contest in 11:47 Outback Jack is in the back wailing the tears of a man that just lost his best friend, SFY 21 comes up to him with mic in hand:
SFJ21: Outback Jack, did the weight of the tragedy of Biscuit finally hit you?
OBJ:<turning to the camera, sniffling, snot running out his nose, his eyes red and swollen from crying> No, they stopped beer sales in the arena in his honor. Even the light beer! *Belch* That's Australian for if you weren't already dead I'd kill you myself, you... <Jack looks at his empty beer can and breaks down>
SFJ21: This is truly a sad, sad dayFIRECHILD vs. STANKStank offers a handshake to start, but FC refuses it. Stank shrugs and they lockup, Stank easily gaining the upper hand. Into a corner and we get a clean break, but Stank tosses Firechild back in and slugs away. FC drops to the mat and rolls out to the floor. FC trips Stank up and drags him to the floor and they have it out there, FC getting ahead this time. FC sends Stank to the rail, then back to the apron. FC drives Stank repeatedly to the apron to weaken the back, but Stank finally grabs him, suplexes him up into the ropes, then plants him face first on the concrete in a BRUTAL spot. Stank rolls in to get a breather, and FC comes up with blood everywhere. FC up onto the apron, but Stank shoulder blocks him back to the railing. Stank follows out this time and slams him on the floor. Back in, and Stank with a leg drop. He drags FC up and hotshots him across the top rope. Cover gets two. FC pulls himself up with the ropes, but Stank catches him with a knee lift. FC pulls himself up again and Stank charges, but FC kicks him flush on the mouth, and Firechild hits a bulldog to take him down. FC looks for a Boston crab, but Stank powers out. Both guys up, and FC charges, but Stank scoops him up for the STANK-U!! But FC falls off the back and pushes Stank to the corner, but Stank ducks down, and FC eats turnbuckle, opening up the seemingly broken nose wound even more. Stank looks down, sees the opportunity... STANKONIA~! But Firechild moves out of the way! FC gets up, blood all over his body. and yells at Stank to get up. Stank obliges and FC looks for the DEVILDRIVER~! But he can't get Stank up, so Stank shoots him to the ropes and MURDERS him with a stiff clothesline across the face that would make Chris Masters proud. FC splats on the mat with blood just pouring out of him. Before Stank can do any more damage, referee Junior Hale calls for the bell and stops the match. WINNER by Stoppage for Blood Loss in 13:11: STANK L.D. Williams: “Smoley…Smoley…He used to team with that Smark idiot, right? And now he’s dead? Wow. ”
“His legacy? Well, Smoley will be remembered as a guy who…wrestled here in the OOWF. He wasn’t the greatest, but he wasn’t…um…Boy, he sure could drink though!”HARDBODY HARRIS vs. OUTBACK JACK – OOWF Onslaught Championship MatchMel Creech is YOUR Referee! Slow circle to start, the two lock up, but after a moment Harris releases and backs up, shaking his head clear. OBJ gives him an odd look, then orders him in again. Another collar/elbow tie-up, but Harris breaks it again. Harris can be heard telling Mel that OBJ smells like "Old Feet wrapped in bacon". OBJ shrugs and clobbers Harris, drawing a mixed reaction from the crowd. Harris is on his feet in an instant and the two start to brawl a bit. Mel yawns and sits on the corner turnbuckle watching. Harris gets the upper hand and blasts OBJ out of the ring with a WINDMILL PUNCH! OBJ Sprawls to the floor. Harris turns to the crowd to celebrate, and Mel looks over the ropes at the sprawled Australian, shouting "Get me a beer or I'll count you out!" OBJ staggers to his feet and looks around for a beer vendor. Finding none he crawls up to the apron and Mel lets Harris haul OBJ in the hard way - a suplex over the ropes. Early covers gets a one count. Harris pulls OBJ to his feet and slings him to the corner. OBJ hits the corner hard, but notices no follow -up . Harris is celebrating a bit before charging the corner and getting a face full of boot, staggering Harris. OBJ then charges out of the corner with a punishing clothesline. Harris is turned completely inside out! OBJ follows it up with a series of stomps, forcing Harris to roll to the ropes. OBJ follows but Harris "accidentally" trips Jack. Mel sees it but doesn't comment. Harris gets back to his feet and returns the stomps, then attempts to pull OBJ to his feet to try the TO BE EDITED IN LATER~! But Jack slips free, puts Harris' back on the mat with a double-leg takedown, and gets a two count! Jack gives Mel an odd look, but Mel just shrugs. Jack's expression darkens as he gets Harris to his feet and spends some time pummeling and cussing at Harris. Harris is reeling! Fievel is worried and starts dragging a hand-towel down the ramp to save his buddy. Harris sees him and through a slightly swollen eye and shakes his head no. Fievel frowns as he sees OBJ use the distraction to heap on MORE abuse! Mel goes to the ropes and asks the little mouse about the towel. Fievel looks back at the towel and realizes even if he did get to the ring, he's too short to throw it in. Fievel folds the towel and has a seat on the ramp to watch, but his eyes widen when he sees that OBJ has bloodied Harris. Mel didn't even see or hear the chair shots or the whipping with the barbed wire! Harris is wobbling from the attacks and tries desperately to defend himself as OBJ turns back to regular offense. Both have forgotten about the time limit as Jack gives Harris a huge one-man flapjack in the center of the ring. He starts to put Harris in the CROC HUNTER when the bell sounds! Even MEL has forgotten about the time limit! WINNER in 15:00 – DRAW <we cut to Donovan Viper in the back> Brad "The Biscuit" Smoley was one of my stablemates in the first faction I was in, The Ministry of Dawgness. He really didn't do much but drink a lot, smoke a lot, lose matches, and get Underdawg involved in fights that weren't that necessary, but he gave us reasons to beat people up so that was cool. He was there back before I became a champion, although by the time I became champ, he disappeared in a drunken stupor.... Back then, he didn't really say much to anyone, at least, not anything that was halfway coherent. For some reason, Dawg kept him around. To be honest, I had no idea why because he was just dead weight. Oh, shit. Pardon that expression... Anyways, that was 4 years ago. And while I can't think of any way he actually influenced my early OOWF career, he was part of my stable, so... um... Yeah....
So last November, he came back for a championship tournament and we were teamed up against Ecosystem and Canadian Dragon. I guess that means I have the "unfortunate honor" of having been involved in Biscuit's last match in the OOWF. We didn't win unfortunately. But, well, I guess that was expected because Biscuit was always a pretty shitty wrestler... But for the first time in OOWF, he gave it his all. He gave up drinking, got himself in shape... And I was proud... really proud that I was a tag team partner that day, even though... we lost... I mean, he was in shape and sober, but he was still a shitty wrestler.... But he had heart. A big heart. Medically, they call that an enlarged heart - too much whisky and cigarettes can do that to you, I understand. *ahem* *chokes up a little*
So yeah... Brad Smoley... I saw you go from a fat drunken slobby loser to a fit sober dedicated, uh, er, loser.... That, um, takes a lot of guts to turn your life around like that. I'm going to miss you. I think.
I didn't know shit about his family. He never spoke about them. I didn't even know he had a kid. To be honest, I always thought he was still a virgin, you know? I mean, who would fuck that guy? I mean, that guy 4 years ago... That guy 6 months ago, I could see a girl go for him, sure. He was finally half way decent looking then. No, really, I'm not a homo. I'm just... rambling right now. It's all.... Man. Fuck. Rest in peace, man.WEAPON X vs. THE CHICKENSHIT HEELS vs. CAPELLAN & VIPER – OOWF World Tag Team Title MatchAll three teams come down without incident, and the crowd goes nuts for Capellan & Viper. LD, Adrenaline and Capellan start in the ring, with LD grabbing Johnny and throwing him into the turnbuckle. Capellan gets in the way as he goes to follow up and knocks LD back with a series of stiff kicks to the legs and sides. Adrenaline doesn’t look a gift horse in the mouth and explodes out of the corner and kicks Capellan’s feet out from under him. LD recovers himself as Johnny laughs at Capellan and punches Johnny right in the mouth. Adrenaline staggers back, his face swelling up as the referee admonishes LD for using a closed fist. LD’s face is a picture of boyish innocence as he picks up Capellan and hits him with a hanging suplex. Adrenaline isn’t so easily gotten rid of however and spears LD mid-suplex and Capellan crashes down on the pair. AA slow claps from the sides as Viper and Dragon lean down on top rope, reaching out for tags. All three men stagger to their feet and LD goes to grab Capellan again, but he shakes free and levels Williams with a spin kick to the face. Adrenaline grabs him as he gets up and whips him to the ropes, and goes for a Slingshot DDT, but Capellan swings round him and sends him flying into the corer with a hurricanrana. Cap follows up with stomps, and tags Viper in, as LD rolls out of the ring holding his face. LD nods to Dragon who also drops off the apron. AA’s attention is fixed on the ring as Capellan picks up the dazed Adrenaline and hits a Go 2 Sleep as Viper comes off the ropes and nails Johnny with a Death Elbow to seal the Tsunami#2 and Viper covers. AA jumps into the ring to break up the cover, but falls flat on his face as Dragon drags his feet back on the apron. JA is out and the ref counts 1-2-3 to eliminate the Chickenshit Heels from the match! AA is raging and complains to the referee who orders him to the back, and JA rolls out of the ring looking shocked and amazed. Capellan and Viper high five in the ring, but the celebration is short lived as Dragon spin kicks Viper in the back of the head, and Capellan walks right into a spine buster from LD. LD tags Dragon in with great ceremony and Dragon starts beating Viper down with a series of really stiff kicks, then hooks him for the Canadian Destroyer. Viper isn’t done however and fights back, and hoists Dragon over his head and nails him with a Vertebreaker! Both men are down and we have HOT TAGS to LD and Capellan. Capellan comes in flying and knocks the less-ready LD down with a cross body. Capellan is quickly up to the turnbuckle and as LD gets to his feet he goes for a top rope sunset flip. LD however sits down on him and lays into him with a few quick yet meaty punches. Capellan manages to shrug LD off before the ref gets to a 2 count, and gets to his feet and manages to dropkick LD in the shoulder as he gets to his feet. LD is staggered and Capellan goes for a Vindicator and lands it, and rolls LD over for the 1-2 NO! Dragon hits both men with a Dragonsault off the top to break the count. Viper charges into the ring and tackles Dragon through the ropes and they brawl on the floor. Capellan and LD gingerly get to their feet in the ring and Trade a few tired punches, but Capellan dodges one of LD’s and goes for a Sun Tzu Spin Kick, LD ducks however and hooks Capellan for a DDT and hits it for the 1-2 NO! Capellan kicks out! LD is incensed and hooks Capellan for the STF but he manages to wrangle a foot onto the ropes. LD is really mad now and picks Capellan up, only for Viper to appear in the ring and hit him with a release German suplex! Video replays show Viper and Dragon brawling on the outside and Viper hitting a Death Elbow on Dragon that crushed his head between the Elbow and the ring post, knocking Dragon out cold. Viper lifts a dazed LD up and Capellan sets himself and nails LD right between the eyes with a Spinning Dragon Kick and Viper uses the momentum to hit a Dragon suplex, DOUBLE DRAGON! Viper rolls out from under the bridge and drags the nearly spent Capellan over LD when he gets smashed in the back with a chair! The Chickenshit Heels are back in the ring and Viper turns to take another chair shot to the face from AA. The referee calls for the bell… WINNERS via DQ in 18:12 and STILL OOWF Tag Team Champions, Weapon X! Adrenaline kicks LD out of the ring as AA picks Capellan up. Both Heels line up chair shots and Capellan crumples after the hellacious Conchairto! The Chickenshit Heels grab the belts off the referee and pose for a few (5) seconds, before contemptuously tossing the belts to the outside, onto the downed forms of Weapon X… <Moosehead Jack is sitting in the back> Do I remember Brad Smoley? Yeah I remember him. I remember a match I had with him in Uncertain, Texas back in 2004. I had him trapped in the corner and I was hammering at him with my fist wrapped in barbed wire. He was helpless in the corner and bleeding like a stuck pig, begging for mercy. I caught him with one shot that spun him around and sprayed blood on some old ladies in the first row, it was fantastic, the carnage, the bloodshed, the suffering……[Moose trails off for a moment and gets a glazed over look in his eyes, then suddenly snaps back]. So, yeah, I remember Smoley. Ok, I need to go, I have to make a luchadore bleed.MOOSEHEAD JACK vs. NAYR – No-Disqualification OOWF Intercontinental Title Match Nayr walks to the ring first, intense and subdued. He stares at the curtain as Moosehead Jack enters the arena with the Intercontinental title around his waist and a roll of barbed wire in his hands. As Jack stalks down the aisle, Nayr shakes his head but never breaks eye contact. Jack takes off the belt and tosses it to referee Mel Creech before sliding into the ring. He swings the barbed wire at Nayr who ducks and catches him with a rabbit punch. Nayr rips the barbed wire out of Jack’s hands (literally) and drives it into his forehead. A dropkick sends Jack back to the ropes and Nayr hits the opposite strands and nails Jack with a barbed wire assisted clothesline that takes both men over the ropes to the floor. As the crowd expresses its opinion of sacred fecal matter, Nayr drives his fist into Jack’s bloodied face. An Irish whip is reversed and Nayr hits the ring post hard. Jack is a step behind and hits Nayr with a body tackle, driving him into the ring post a second time. Nayr collapses as blood starts to flow from his forehead. With a sadistic smile, Jack goes to work, punching and kicking at the fallen Nayr. Jack rolls the hero into the ring and continues the beating with chops and a series of running knees in the corner. Jack culminates by setting up the Heart Punch but pauses to taunt his opponent. Nayr, with a gleam in his eye, smiles through his crimson mask. Jack blinks, distracted just long enough for Nayr to twist out of the move, slip behind Jack, and plant him with a German suplex. Nayr bridges and gets a two count. Jack rolls to his feet with fury in his eyes, but Nayr catches him with an arm drag, followed by a second one. Jack eats a dropkick and gets to his feet as Nayr comes off the ropes with a flying forearm. Nayr kips up and grabs Jack. A series of European uppercuts and a spinning heel kick leave Jack draped over the second rope. Nayr signals for the 4-1-6 and hits the ropes. As he crosses the ring, Nayr shakes his head. Instead of hitting the move, Nayr slides out of the ring beside Jack, grabs a chair and brains him with it. Nayr chokes Jack on the ropes, then grabs his hair and drags him out of the ring. He pulls Jack to his feet by the corner of the ring and nails a Halfling Wizard that slams Jack’s bloodied face into the ring post. Nayr props him in the corner of the railing and goes for a Stinger Splash, but Jack drops out of the way. Both men are bleeding profusely and have trouble trying to stand. Jack throws a series of punches at Nayr, who responds with chops. Jack slams Nayr’s face into the Liberian announce table and Nayr returns the favor. Jack repeats the process which leads to a duel of face slams, each one more severe, and each one a little further apart as both men find it harder to recover. After the sixth round, the bell rings. Mel Creech, who looks a little queasy has apparently had enough of the carnage. WINNER in 17:26, No Contest. <a tearful Concrete TG sits in front of the camera> Brad was a very unique individual, someone who may have not always respected the rules, but was someone who never quite fit in here with us at the OOWF. He and Smark brought humor to the company, could make people laugh at their coworkers and perhaps even laugh at ourselves. He even made me pause at a show when he faced myself and then-partner Moosehead Jack, decked out in one of my older costumes. It was a rough match for them, and afterward Smoley said that that might be his last match in the OOWF. I was honored, but it wasn't his last match. No matter - what we face now is an enormous tragedy, one that I hope does not damage our memories of Brad Smoley. He will be missed, and may he and his family find peace.CONCRETE TG vs. SPIN HANSEN – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match Ross and Razz remind us of the back story to this one as the two men circle each other in the ring. Stank's looking for an alliance with Moosehead Jack, with Concrete's title as the lure. Spin's not thrilled with Stank's plan, and here he is with a shot at the very belt his D&D team mate is promising to Moose. How will it affect Stank's plans if Spin is victorious? The big man certainly looks focused here tonight. Lock-up, and CTG comes up with the wristlock. He does that girly 'bouncing on his toes' thing that European-style wrestlers are so fond of when they work this hold. Spin looks for a reversal, but CTG counters it. Another attempt, another counter. Hansen frowns, plants his feet, and suddenly yanks his arm back. Short clothesline takes Crete almost out of his boots! Spin presses his sudden advantage. Side-slam. Elbow drop. Cover gets 2. Crete rolls to his feet looking a little surprised at the big man's power. CTG hits a standing dropkick, but Spin is only slightly staggered. He comes charging back with a roaring elbow, then hooks Crete for a Spine buster, but the agile champion slips out. Back and forth action now as both men look for a weapon in their arsenal that can put their opponent away. CTG tries to work Spin's ribs, looking to deprive the big man of his oxygen, but Hansen powers out of Crete's abdominal stretch with a series of staggering elbows and forearms. Spin goes for a BIG BOOT (backstage, Johnny Adrenaline cheers) but Crete slips out of the way and tries a small package. Spin throws him off before the ref can even count one. Using his speed to avoid Hansen's retaliations, CTG targets the left knee with a series of stiff kicks, but when he locks in the figure four leg lock, Hansen's huge height and long arms easily let him reach the ropes. Crete goes behind to look for a suplex, but Spin blocks it, catches Crete's arms, and rams backward into a turnbuckle. He releases his grip as CTG staggers out of the corner, then turns to grab the champion's head under his arm. DDT! LEG DROP! Cover gets two as Crete rolls the shoulder. Both men up and Crete looks for a shoulder charge, but Hansen doesn't budge. He points to the ropes, indicating CTG should try again. Crete complies, but rather than waiting in the middle of the ring, Spin follows him to the ropes. The unwitting CTG rebounds right into an ALMIGHTY lariat that sends him tumbling out of the ring. Spin looks to follow Crete to the outside but Referee Sterling Glaw interposes himself. Hansen retreats, Glaw starts a ten count, and as soon as his back is turned Spin slides outside, limps around to the prone CTG (ignoring Glaw's admonishments) and rolls him back inside. Hansen slides in. Cover! One ... Two ... Thr -- CRETE KICKS OUT AT TWO AND NINE TENTHS! Spin slaps his hands on the mat in frustration. The big man doesn't waste time in remonstrating with the ref, however. Instead, he returns to his assault on the battered champion, unleashing a barrage of mighty chops and uppercuts that forces Crete to cover up in the corner. Hansen continues the assault as Glaw starts a five count, breaking only at 4. He gives Crete only just enough space to stop the count, however, before charging in for a corner splash. CTG more falls out of the way than dodges; but the result is the same as Spin's chest slams into the turnbuckle with bruising force. The champ seizes his opportunity, grabbing Spin's head to snap it down over the top rope. Hansen staggers into the centre of the ring, and Crete looks for a double jump Moonsault. HANSEN SNATCHES THE CHAMP OUT OF THE CHAIR! THUNDEROUS POWER BOMB~! Crete is DEAD~! COVER! One! Two! Crete's limp arm drops onto the bottom rope, more by accident than design. Hansen bellows his rage and hauls the champ to his feet. Headbutt! Hansen's going for SPINAL JUSTICE! He's got CTG up in the muscle buster! But NO~! His damaged knee gives out! He stumbles! Crete slips out. Schoolboy rollup! One! Two! Three! WINNER and STILL OOWF World Heavyweight Champion - ConcreteTG in 17:54. Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Bloodbath in Paradise Pay Per View! Live! From Rio de Janeiro, Brazil! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem, Live! July 11th, Live From Buenos Aries, Argentina!
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