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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:38:25 GMT -5
<We cut to GM the Rick's office where we see Rick sitting at his desk, head in hands, while Capellan & Viper, The Chickenshit Heels and Weapon X bicker among themselves>
Cap: Look, we have deserved a one on one shot for a long time now! What else do we have to do?
AA: Beat us
LDW: You two could have a shot anytime you want, it's all about beating everyone
JA: WHAT ABOUT US?
CD: What about you? And LD, why waste our time with any of these chumps?
GMtR: guys
DV: Who you calling a chump?
CD: So now you're a tough guy?
DV: tough enough to kick your ass
AA: He said ass, you checking out his ass Donnie <OW>
JA: Rick, that was physical violence on our part, it was unprovoked, that means we deserve a title shot
Cap: Nice logic Adrenaline
GMtR: guys.......
LDW: Look, I would take on both of you in one match, but Rick won't give it to us
AA: A three way? Sounds like a night on the town for Donn <OW>
JA: Another unprovoked attack! He should be suspended indefinitely!
LDW: Still hiding behind your lawyers huh Adrenaline?
Cap: Next thing you know he will want to add Dewey, Cheatum and Howe to the match so they have a prayer
AA: Like we need help beating a midget and a fairy <OW>
JA: Dammit Rick
GMtR: GUYS FUCKING GUYS, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
DV: Dude, what's wrong? You don't have to yell, just give us the shot we deserve one on one, or did I do something to piss you off again?
GMtR: All of you have pissed me off just about enough. I have had it. So I'll tell you what, at the pay per view, it will be a three way dance for the tag titles.......
CD: What!
GMtR: Oh it gets better, we are going to settle this once and for all. Next week three teams will compete in a round robin tournament to determine the stips for the match, the winning team, picks the stips
CD: So, Weapon X gets to pick the stips, do we REALLY need a match to decide that?
JA: You mean the Chickenshit Heels will decide the stips
Cap: Excuse me? Who is the undefeated tag team in the room? We will be picking the stips.
GmtR: All of you chuckleheads shut up, you didn't let me finish, there will be three teams competing, but it won't be Weapon X, The Chickenshit Heels or Viper and Capellan
LDW: It won't?
GmtR: No. It is going to be <looking around the room for a minute>Johnny Adrenaline and Capellan versus <looks around again> Attitude Adjuster and Canadian Dragon versus LD Williams and Donovan Viper. THERE! The members of the winning team get to pick one stip each for the title match!
<stunned silence fills the room, just as the teams are about to voice their concerns...>
GmtR: NO! NO MORE! EVERYONE OUT NOW!!
<Gm the Rick ushers them out of the room and slaps the lineup sheet on the door and slams it as hard as he can>
*****************************
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Xui, Uruguay
OOWF World Title Fatal Four Way[/u]
Concrete TG vs. Stank vs. UnderDawg vs. Outback Jack
OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Moosehead Jack vs. Firechild
OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Hardbody Harris vs. Spin Hansen vs. Nayr
Round Robin Match to Determine the Stips for the OOWF World Tag Team Title Match at Bloodbath In Paradise[/u]
Canadian Dragon & Attitude Adjuster vs. Donovan Viper & LD Williams
Canadian Dragon & Attitude Adjuster vs. Johnny Adrenaline & Capellan
Donovan Viper & LD Williams vs. Johnny Adrenaline & Capellan
Weapons on a Pole Match[/u]
Chris Cole vs. Davin Moreland
Kenji vs. SYB
Knife vs. Apocalyptic Existence
Los Defenestrators vs.Phantos & Lucios
card subject to the Revenge of Kamala
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:38:52 GMT -5
*Hardbody Harris paces around backstage, holding his title belt.*
HH: I hope this works.
*Harris starts rubbing the title belt, calling himself the greatest Onslaught champion ever. Almost immediately, Spin and Nayr show up*
Nayr: Hey hey hey you won't be the champ for long nope nope nope
Spin: How dare you insult me like that? Everyone knows that I'm the one that gives prestige to the title. Why? Because I'm Sp...
HH: Save it. Look, I got a request for you guys.
Nayr: What what what?
Spin: Forget it. Don't bother.
HH: No, hear me out. My popularity is going up just a little bit, based on the most recent polling. Winning this title helped me, and a couple defenses are good, even if the last one was against a no-name that tried to kick me in the nuts. I want you guys to help make me popular.
Spin: What? Forget that. We already have a title shot coming up.
HH: Yeah. But I'm pretty sure I'm the overwhelming favorite. If I was a gambling man like some people around here, I'd bet on me. Since I've come ack, I've wrestled like Chris Ben...er, like heck and haven't been pinned or made to submit. I only lost matches because of time limit or not being in the ring.
Spin: So you want one of us to beat you? Fine by us.
Nayr: Yeah yeah yeah
HH: No, I just want to be an underdog.
*Underdawg appears in a cloud of smoke*
UD: You rang?
HH: Oh, hey. How are you?
UD: Good. What'd you need?
HH: Oh, nothing. I didn't use the proper noun; I was using a common phrase.
UD: Oh. Well, see ya!
*UD disappears*
HH: He's taller in person. Anyway, I want people to think I might lose before the match and during the match, but then I'll win in the end. The best way for that to happen is for you guys to appear to team up against me. First, you'll kick my ass right here right now, and throughout the week. Then you'll dominate me during the match. But then you'll miscommunicate, argue, come to blows, and then I'll swoop in for the victory. Tried and true formula, and it works every time. What do you say.
Spin: You want us to lose the match?
HH: Don't get ahead of yourself. Just beat the shit out of me right now. And then you'll leave, the camera will zoom in on me holding my gut, and then I'll be "in serious trouble" for midweek mayhem. Whaddaya say?
Spin: I don't like the sound of this.
HH: Come one! Nayr, here. Punch me in the face.
*Nayr looks around, very confused*
HH: Nayr, look. Here's a lead pipe. Hit me in the gut with it. But make sure to keep your hand on the impact side. It looks better.
Spin: I don't like this. I'm outta here.
HH: Wait! Come on! Please, someone knock me the fuck out!
*Spin and Nayr leave. Hardbody does a double take, collapses to the floor, and grabs his stomach in pain. You can see the camera shake left-to-right, as if it's saying "No."*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:39:17 GMT -5
*'The Main Event' Chris Cole shoulder blocks GM the Rick's office door open, splintering it into a jillion pieces, but GM the Rick heaves a BRAD 'BISCUIT' SMOLEY MEMORIAL BOTTLE OF WHISKEY~! at Cole's head, doinking him off the noggin*
TMECC: Ow, God dammit Rick!
GMtR: What did I tell you about the door, huh? WHAT DID I TELL YOU??!!?!?!
TMECC: Ok, ok, don't get your vagina all sandified over it...
GMtR: You have about 3 seconds to tell me why you're in here.
TMECC: Rick, you and I are obviously not on the same page here. You apparently have it out for me, but you're forgetting I'm the MAIN EVENT, I'm CHRIS COLE the RIGHTFUL OOWF CHAMPION, and I DEMAND...
GMtR: You...you are in a position to demand nothing...I, am in a position to grant...nothing...So it would seem we are at an impasse...
TMECC: Did you seriously just quote Khan from Star Trek II?
GMtR: I paid the royalty and everything...of course now the check's gonna bounce since you BROKE THE DAMNED DOOR~!
TMECC: Alright Rick, this is getting us nowhere. Why do you still have me in a pointless program with the Curtain Jerk?
GMtR: He's now pinned you twice, Cole.
TMECC: I MADE HIM TAP OUT~!~! That was GARBAGE restarting the match on me.
GMtR: I'm the GM. Deal with it.
TMECC: *mocking* I'm the GM, Deal with it...
GMtR: Are you 5? Seriously..
TMECC: Ok, whatever...Rick, Rick...can we please just put this behind us? You want me to LOSE the program to Curtain Jerk to put him over? Fine, no problem, because I assume I'm going to get a shot at my title out of it. But a WEAPONS ON A POLE~! match? Rick...these pole matches..they never turn out well..
GMtR: C'mon, Sharpie on a Pole was Classic.
TMECC: Rick, FOCUS RICK~! I want to be done with this program. You want me to job? Fine, I'll job so long as I get a title shot. Just...not a Weapons on a Pole match. Rick, we both lost quite a bit of blood out there, and I'm kinda lightheaded, and...
GMtR: Ok, Weapons on a Pole. Deal with it. And this program will continue on as long as I damn well please. After you almost killed the poor guy, he's got a lot of pent-up agression to take out on you.
TMECC: I'm THE MAIN EVENT! I'm CHRIS COLE RIGHTFUL OOWF TITLE HOLDER. I'm supposed to kill people.
GMtR: Looks like you've finally run into someone who'll stand up to your happy crappy. Hell, after this match, I might do a best-of-seven Bataan Death March Match or something. The crowd loves it. I love it. Moreland loves it.
TMECC: I HATE IT~!
GMtR: Too bad, so sad...
*'The Main Event' Chris Cole angrilly tips GM the Ricks desk over, and storms out of the office, just in time to eat a wicked SPEAR AGAINST THE CEMENT WALL~! from Davin Moreland. Ouch.*
CC: Ouch.
DM: Hi Chris! Remember me?
CC: *groans incoherently*
*Moreland steps over and locks on a MARK HENRY MEMORIAL ARMBAR~!*
CC: *sigh*
DM: Cole, I've beaten you twice, but you know? It's not enough for me. And NEXT WEEK at MIDWEEK MAYHEM, it's YOU and ME in a SHARPIE ON A POLE MATCH~!
CC: Dude, it's Weapons.
*Moreland cinches in the ARMBAR tighter*
CC: OW! Dammit, it's WEAPONS on a POLE, not Sharpie on a Pole.
DM: Whatever.
CC: Whatever? WHATEVER?!?!? The Sharpie on a Pole Match was a ***** CLASSIC~! NEVER to be duplicated. They would never put a curtain jerk like you in a Classic like that...
*Moreland becomes incensed and just starts kicking Cole repeatedly in the back of the head, while keeping the MARK HENRY MEMORIAL ARMBAR~! locked in*
DM: THIS curtain jerk has just beaten you TWICE 1-2-3 IN the CENTER of the RING! What do you have to say about THAT Mr. Main Event? Mr. Rightful OOWF Champ? Mr. DDT Iron Man Champ???
CC: ... (and bleeding profusely)
DM: That's right...because...
CC: *comes to suddenly* God not again...really, ask TCH to help you with a catchphrase, or Capellan, or Sabu, or Whoever Has the Box O' Promos...Or Even Naitch...Even "WHOOO SPACE MOUNTAIN~!" would be better than this...
DM: AIN'T YOUR BITCH NO MORE!!!!
CC: *passes out due to massive blood loss and having to hear that terrible catchphrase again*
*Davin Moreland smirks, and finds a conveiently places STEEL CHAIR in the Hallway. He picks it up, put the lifeless leg of 'The Main Event' Chris Cole in between it and...Oh this could be bad...Moreland picks up another chair, conveniently placed in the hallway, and SICKENING THUDS~! CRACKS and POPPING~! are heard as Moreland repeatedly hammers the STEEL CHAIR onto Cole's TRAPPED IN A CHAIR knee. OMG, this is NOT for the faint of heart. After a good 5 minutes, the leg is twisted and bent at a sicknengly ugly angle (It's not supposed to bend that way). Satisfied, Moreland smirks and saunters toward GM the Rick's office, and noticing the splintered door, knocks on the doorjamb*
DM: Busy Boss?
GMtR: *turns off OOWF-TV* No, not really. That was...ummm...well...brutal what you just did.
DM: *snickers* Yeah. It's fun beating him senseless.
GMtR: You know, as much as I love seeing The Main Event get the snot beat out of him, I think you just pushed it a *little* too far.
DM: Aww, C'mon Boss...
GMtR: Nope, I'm going to have to institute the old "Stay Away Clause". No contact between the two of you until the Weapons on a Pole match.
DM: Yeah, I wanted to thank you for putting me in an "On a Pole" match. It's a real honor.
GMtR: Eh, don't mention it. Now, was there something you wanted? Because I have to call the Door Repair Guy, and I'm going to have to bullshit some Spanish and...well...frankly it's sandifying my vagina.
DM: *shudders slightly at the image* Well, Boss, you know that 'The Main Event' Chris Cole is the current DDT Iron Man Champion right?
GMtR: Yeah, unfortunately, we all remembered that last week.
DM: Well, I USED to hold that belt...
GMtR: And you lost it to a pole...
DM: Regardless...Rick, I would LOVE to be the first TWO-TIME DDT IRON MAN CHAMPION~!
GMtR: Why?
DM: So I can use it in promos?
GMtR: Ah, I see. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll CONSIDER making it a "Weapons AND DDT Iron Man Championship on a Pole" match, on a few conditions...
DM: Umm, ok, shoot.
GMtR: #1 No talking to inanimate objects, including any weapons you may use in the match.
DM: Done. The meds have taken care of that.
GMtR: Ok....#2, You MUST adhere to the "No Contact Until The Match" Stip.
DM: Awww...Boss...
GMtR: Nope, No Contact. Got it?
DM: *sighs* Yes...
GMtR: And #3 if by some Miracle you're able to win 3 matches in a row (don't get your hopes up), and I decide to make it a Weapons and DDT Iron Man Championship on a Pole Match, and you WIN, then it's up for grabs again. Tha means, like 6 people from last week will be gunning for you.
DM: Not a problem. Hell, I just might hand it to someone. I just wanna say I won the thing twice. Just like this, "You're looking at the ONLY 2-TIME DDT IRON MAN CHAMPION~!~!!~!"
GMtR: Whatever floats your boat. Like I said.. I will THINK about it. There's logistics involved here, like...how much stuff I can fit on a pole...who I book to win the match...If I care enough about the DDT iron Man Championship to make it an actual belt again.. It's not a guarantee.
DM: No Problem, no problem, just think about it.
GMtR: I'll think about it.
DM: *beaming* Thanks Boss.
GMtR: NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!
DM: Ok, I'm going...Passive aggressive much?
*Moreland walks down the hallway grinning, heading toward the Food Court and passes 'The Main Event' Chris Cole, and a quality puddle of vomit next to him. Apparently Cole saw his McGahee'd knee. Moreland chuckles and keeps walking*
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:39:40 GMT -5
Stank is sitting in a bar when in walks... FF CAPSLOCK!!!
Stank - Well will wonders never cease. LOCK! What the hell brings you to Uruguay?
FFC - HOLY SHIT! This is URUGUAY??
Stank - Fuck yeah.
FFC - Damn. I KNEW that fucking cabbie didn't know where the HELL he was going. How do I get to Acapulco from here?
Stank - Acapulco? Acapulco is in Mexico dipshit. Head North... way North... how the hell did you get through customs?
FFC - ... Fuck if I know. We took back roads. What are the odds, my running into you?
Stank - Giving Rick's booking strategy in finding the most obscure and remote places on the planet for us to wrestle, and your propensity for zany misadventures... I'd say pretty good.
FFC - So you guys have a show here in Acapulco?
Stank - ... This is Montevideo.
FFC - MonteWHAT?
Stank - We're in the capitol of Uruguay, and no... our show isn't here. It's in some backwater town called Xiu, which for the LIFE of me I CAN'T FIND!
FFC - Shoe?
Stank - I guess that's how it's pronounced... spelled X.I.U.
FFC - I'll ask my cab driver.
Stank - What's the fare for a 3 day drive to Uruguay these days?
FFC - Fuck if I know. I exchanged a buck fifty for Spanish money back in Tijuana, then bought some cervezas at a bar. I told this guy I wanted to go to Acapulco and he said he'd take me for half the coins I had in my pocket. I figured what the hell.
Stank - The Panamanian canal didn't strike you as odd?
FFC - Not as much as the hike, through miles of Jungle, stretches at a time. I thought we'd never get here.
Stank - ... ... ok, enjoying your vacation so far?
FFC - Meh.
Stank - Meh?
FFC - Meh.
Stank - ...
FFC - ...
Stank - ... I got a shot at the World title coming up.
FFC - Really? Why didn't you call me?
Stank - I haven't been able to reach you for days!
FFC - Well I've been busy.
Stank - And you've gained a ton of weight.
FFC - ...
Stank - ...
FFC - You should have seen me before the jungle hike... there's my cabbie.
Cabbie - Que pasa?
FFC - Usted me trajo a Uruguay, moron.
Cabbie - 12 Pesos solamente le conseguirán la ruta escénica.
FFC - la ruta escénica!! ¡Somos como... el SUR de millón de millas de donde deseé ir!
Cabbie - No es mi avería que usted es un americano mudo.
Stank - I don't know why, but I feel compelled to ask you, to ask him, if he knows where Xiu is.
FFC - Hang on a sec... ¿Usted justo me llamó mudo? ¡Usted es afortunado yo puede permitirse solamente SUS servicios o batiría su asno!
Cabbie - ¿Mi asno? ¿Usted dañaría Maria mi burro? ¿Por qué en la tierra usted haría tal cosa?
Stank - Why do I feel like I'm in a Los Defenestrators promo?
FFC - Who?
Stank - You remember Ecosystem and Voltage.
FFC - The Asian and the sign guy?
Stank - Yeah, they're Spanish now... for our Spanish tour.
FFC - ...
Stank - Don't ask.
Cabbie - ¡Excúseme! No amenace por favor mi burro. Haré cualquier cosa.
FFC - ¡No amenacé su burro! Amenacé golpear... ¡Espere un minuto! ¿Cualquier cosa?
Cabbie - Si.
FFC - I got this guy by the balls, Luc.
Stank - Ask him where Xiu is already.
FFC - Mi socio quisiera saber donde está la ciudad de Xiu.
Cabbie - Shu?
FFC - equis - i - u
Cabbie - No sé. Pero... I have a cousin who lives in the town of Xui. Maybe that's where your large dark friend is trying to go.
FFC - ...
Stank - ...
Cabbie - ... X. U. I.
FFC - ...
Stank - ...
Cabbie - ... I'm just saying.
Stank - You speak English?
Cabbie - Si.
FFC - That's tears it... your donkey is dead when I get back.
Stank - Well... this has been fun... as usual... I've got to get going. I presume you can find your way back?
FFC - I don't know... CAN I?
Cabbie - Why you look at me like that? I promise. I'll get you home.
FFC - Is that Outback Jack over there?
Stank - Yeah... I should probably wake him up and tell him we found the city... then again he's one of my opponents in my match.
FFC - Triple threat?
Stank - Fatal Four way.
FFC - Whose the-
Stank - Underdawg
FFC - Yikes... that's harsh.
Stank - I can handle it. I could handle it even better if I left Outback here.
FFC - Aren't you still trying to recruit Jack to replace me?
Stank - ... fuck.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:40:01 GMT -5
**Canadian Dragon is pacing as L.D. Williams lounges in the Weapon X locker room**
CD: “Idiotic, power-hungry, son-of-a-”
LD: “Would you relax? It’s no big deal.”
CD: “WHAT? Are you out of your mind?”
LD: “There’s nothing to worry about. Viper and I will win the tournament, pick the stipulations, and you and I will do what we do best.”
CD: “Back up a bit. You and Viper will win? Where did that come from?”
LD: “Three reasons; One - it’s me. Two – Both you and Cap are teamed with one of the Chickenshits, and I’m not about to let them win anything. Ever. Three…well to be honest, Viper and I are the only ones I trust to set the stipulations.”
CD: “What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?”
LD: “If you pick the stipulation, we’ll be in some high wire, flippy-shit deathtrap, Capellan will have us in something out of the X-games, and Johnny and AA will want something on a pole – a sandwich, a golf club, the box of promos…but you can be damn sure it’ll be on a pole. At least with Donnie I know it’ll be straight –up violence.”
CD: “Oh, it’s Donnie now is it? Are you sure you should be using the word str-”
LD: “Don’t.”
CD: “Whatever. I suggest you remember who holds the belts. I’ll give you a hint – it’s not you and Donnie.”
**Dragon storms out of the locker room**
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:40:23 GMT -5
<Spin Hansen is sitting in the back taping his fists when a shadow falls across him, without even looking up, Spin acknowledges him>
SH: What do you want Moose
MHJ: You still think I am trying to deceive all of you don’t you?
SH: <still not looking up at Moose> Have you given me a reason to think otherwise?
MHJ: Well, you’re not on the floor in a bloody heap.
SH: <Finally looking at Jack> Cute. Look Jack, I remember our wars in the PHWF, what makes you think I am going to forget that and just suddenly trust you?
MHJ: Because my desire to remove that title from Crete outweighs any desire to go to war with you right now.
SH: You say that now. Beside Jack, we lost tonight, because of you. You got pinned. Now explain to me how teaming with you and losing is supposed to help me in any way whatsoever?
MHJ: Look Spin, yeah I lost the match, I got pinned, but Firechild hit me with a chair. See? That just proves what Stank and I have been saying all along. The Heroes are not what they appear to be. They are lying cowards who will take an easy win if it presents itself, then condemn others who do the same.
SH: So, what, we are on a crusade against them?
MHJ: We are going to expose them for what they are – frauds. And in the process, we are going to take some gold.
SH: Well, Jack, the way it looks from here, I see ONE guy in the Heroes Guild with any gold, and it’s the man you hate the most, where exactly does that leave me.
MHJ: Look Spin, like I told you before, I would love to win the title from that idiot Crete, but so long as he doesn’t hold the gold, why not you?
<Jack turns to leave then turns back to Spin>
This probably won't mean anything, but I gave my word to Williams and Thim, I had their backs, I was there when they needed me, and that never changed, still hasn't. I don't respect many people, most of them are pandering idiots like Crete, but I know you and Stank are two tough SOB's. I am making the offer here, you watch my back, I will watch yours. If we do this right, we will own the OOWF. If not, we can spend forever butchering each other. I don't care either way, the decision is really up to you.
<Jack walks away and leaves Spin deep in thought, he goes back to taping his fists and shaking his head>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:40:46 GMT -5
(Spin Hansen has his gloves on and knocks on the door of GM The Rick's office.)
GMtR: Someone knocks around here? Come in. Have a drink.
SH: Wow, I didn't know how effective knocking could be. And now I know.
Shipwreck: And knowing is half the battle.
(All three throw a thumbs up at the camera.)
SH: Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my lack of gold... and I have a plan to fix that.
GMtR: Uh-huh. And why do you think that I'll just bend over and give you a SECOND title match when you've got one tonight? The only other time that we've talked is when you first started here and thought you were hot shit, and look what that got you-- beaten mercilessly by Underdawg.
SH: Hear me out. I get the feeling that this will be beneficial for both of us. I get a title, and you have a problem solved.
GMtR: You know, you sounded a lot like Moosehead Jack when you said that. I'm listening.
(The camera fades as a concerned look crosses Spin's face...)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:41:05 GMT -5
In the back of an Uruguayan cab...
DV: I don't see why you have a problem with this. It's simple. LD and I will win the tourney, we'll make the stips.
Cap: And what makes you think you guys will win?
DV: Hello? You're teamed with Johnny Adrenaline?
Cap: A former tag team champion and Intercontinental champion. I'm sure he wants to make the stipulations just as much as LD Williams does. And how do you know I won't make a stip that you will like?
DV: I have no problem with any stipulation you make, but can you trust Adrenaline to make a decision with you? If you guys win, you know what's going to happen? Capps will come in an bonk you in the head so that only Adrenaline gets to make the stip.
Cap: I still don't see why you trust Williams. He's the champion, he;s our target. How do you know he won't make a stip that favors Weapon X? That he won't stab you in the back when you make your stip?
DV: Come on. You know they won't do that. Dragon may be a crazy douchebag, but he has some level of respect for fair competition.
Cap: Ok, listen. I get what you're saying about the Chickenshits. I do. But at the same time, I will not lay down for you when we face each other in the ring. I am not that kind of a competetor.
DV: Of course not. I don't want you to. In fact, I'd prefer you put up your best fight.
Cap: Ok, good. That means I'm not going to let you win.
DV: I wouldn't feel like I'd earned the right to make the stipulation if you just let me win.
Cap: I still have issues with you and LD being so buddy buddy recently.
DV: Man, I keep telling you. It's a mutual respect thing. I don't see what your problem is with this.
Cap: The problem is...
FFC: Cabbie! Cabbie! Holy shit, just drop me off here. I don't care if we're in the middle of nowhere, I can NOT listen to another second of these two you suck and are banneds bickering anymore! *blocks Donnie's punch* No! That was justified, you fuck! Just get me the fuck out of this fucking cab, I'll just walk the rest of the way. Holy shit. ALTO! AQUI! NOW, CABBIE! Fuck. SHIT! PENDEJOS!
The cab drops off FF Capslock in the middle of the road. We see him grabbing his forehead, screaming as the cab takes off.
DV: I told you we should've waited for the next cab.
Cap: Dude, this guy speaks English. There was no guarantee that the next cabbie could.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:41:25 GMT -5
*Hardbody Harris is standng in a room full of folding chairs, baseball bats, cheese graters, unusually shiny garbage cans, and morningstars (!)*
HH: Well, well. I have a strange premonition that the odds are going to be against me going into Midweek Mayhem. That makes me a face! An underd...er, a non-favorite!
Now, I'm going to close my eyes. If only someone would come in and ATTACK ME WHILE I'M NOT LOOKING then I could really get some cheers.
*Hardbody closes his eyes and lays down on a randomly placed backup announce table.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:41:54 GMT -5
(Spin Hansen and Nayr walk into the Room of Weaponry. Spin sits down on a stack of cookie sheets with a stop sign balanced on top of them, while Nayr sits on one of LADDER'S stunt doubles).
Nayr (to Spin): So what were you and The Rick talking about?
Spin: I have a plan. That's all the more that I can say about it right now... but I do have a plan.
Nayr: And what about your copadres Stank and Moosehead Jack feuding with Firechild and Crete?
Spin: Aren't we technically feuding, too?
Harris: Competing is more like it. Rivals, but not a feud. I mean, I AM SO COMPLETELY DEFENSELESS HERE AND OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT IS GOING ON! IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE WERE TO RUB A CHEESE GRATER DOWN MY BACK!
(Abdullah the Butcher pops his head into the camera's view for a moment, shrugs, and then leaves.)
Harris: CRAP!
Spin: Well, good luck in tonight's match, you two. You'll need it. I will have the title back again somehow.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:42:16 GMT -5
FF Capslock stops Stank as he's leaving
Stank- Yeah, what's up?
FFC- Hey...um...I don't know how to say this...uh?
Stank- You wanna be partners again?
FFC- I dunno, what I was gonna ask though was...could you help me get these bees out of my beard? They're scaring away all the senioritas.
Stank- I would, but I really gotta get going. Hey, you really should stop disappearing for long stretches. It really kills our momentum.
FFC- I did it on purpose. You're a main eventer now, right?
Stank- Yeah. Pretty much.
FFC- See, I did you a favor there.
Stank- I still feel like you abandoned me...again...
FFC- Yeah. I did. I disappear sometimes. I don't know why. I just get that wanderlust. Know'm sayin?
Stank- No. I don't really believe in shirking my responsibilities.
FFC- Oh yeah...that. Well hey maybe I'll just show up in a few weeks with a refurbished gimmick and get a mad singles push.
Stank- So instead of a fat, dirty beard having drunk you could be a fatter, insect-laden beard having drunk?
FFC- I don't know. Maybe I'll think of something while I'm out here. Hey, what do you think of this: I'll come back and start wrestling shirtless with tights and call myself Big Daddy F!
Stank- Keep trying.
FFC- Okay. Good luck with the match and do me a favor?
Stank- Yeah.
FFC- Keep it real.
Stank- That's the only way I keep it.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:42:39 GMT -5
<The camera pans back and we see FF Capslock walking into the sunset as Stank stands there and watches his friend go. Sentimental music sets the mood as two friends part for what could be the final time. As Lock is just about to disappear over the hill.....>
WHAM! Moosehead Jack slams him in the face with a board with a nail through the end, Lock falss to the street, blood running from a gash in his head, Jack lays in a few more shots and leaves Lock lying in the street where he fell, rolling in pain. Jack tosses the board aside and walks up to a shocked Stank
Sta: What the hell was that for?
MHJ: Revenge
Sta: FOR WHAT?
MHJ: Son of a bitch shot me
Sta:..........oh, well that seems fair then. Want a beer?
MHJ: Sure
<the sentimental music plays again as Stank and Moose walk into the canteen, the camera pans back to show some well aged Paraguayan women helping Lock to his feet, they appear to have eyes for him as they lead him to their hut>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:43:00 GMT -5
*Stank, with bags in tow, walks into the Destroyitarium.*
Spin - Rick said I sound like Moosehead Jack.
Stank - Why would he say that?
Spin - I have an idea for the Onslaught Title...beer?
Stank - Sure, thanks. Is this the idea you told me about last week?
Spin - Yeah, but I don't like Rick inferring that I'm in anyway like Moose. Speaking of which, he was here earlier... where have you been?
Stank - Did you know the name of this town is Xui and NOT Xiu?
Spin - No.
Stank - I got stu- wait a minute... Moosehead Jack... was here?
Spin - Yeah. He was... you know, playing his usual mind games and all... what?
Stank - ...
Spin - ... WHAT?
Stank - I had a beer with him in Montevideo. He and I just arrived a minute ago.
Spin - He probably had Underdawg *poof* him there somehow. What were you doing in Montevideo?
Stank - I was lost... Anyway, you'll never guess who else I ran int-
Spin - FF Capslock.
Stank - How di- What are you psychic?
Spin - No, given Rick's booking strategy in finding the most obscure and remote places on the planet, for us to wrestle, and FFC's propensity for zany misadventure-
Stank - Hey that's what I said to Lock... almost word per word... you ARE psychic.
Spin - Is he coming back?
Stank - Who?
Spin - FFC!
Stank - Oh. No. At least not yet. He's working on a new gimmick.
Spin - Lemme guess, shirtless with tights, calling himself Big Daddy F! HA! HA! HA! HA! H- what?
Stank - You scare me.
Spin - AND THERE'S NOT A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
Stank - ...what?
Spin - Nothin
Stank - ... ... anyway how did you get here?
Spin - I rode with Los Defenestrators.
Stank - You did? How did that happen?
Spin - I figured they knew the way. I tried to call you. You didn't get my message?
Stank - No.
Spin - Well I called.
Stank - You know I don't get good reception in Buenos Aries.
Spin - I forgot.
Stank - You forgot?
Spin - What can I say... you should switch to Verizon.
Stank - Then I could get an I-Phone.
Spin - No that's Cingular.
Stank - fuck.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:43:52 GMT -5
Due to being in South America, Firechild has no access to his warehouse, so he cuts his promo in front of a white sheet, stretched between 2 trees in the rainforest - a projector showing last weeks match onto the sheet. The scene is lit by a series of tribal torches to the sides of the clearing.
FC: The time has come. The time has come for me to remove the Intercontinental Title for Moosehead Jack's corrupt, manipulating waist. And I relish the thought of that.
Firechild pauses, straightens and stretches, then looks thouhtful and continues.
FC: Some may say that I cheated to win the match. Some may say that I went too far and betrayed my values as a member of the Heroes Guild, and as a crusader against the perfidious evil in the OOWF.
He turns away the rounds back, with a look of steely determination on his face.
FC: I refute these charges, absolutely. Narrow minded people will say that just because I'm willing to get hardcore and go toe to toe with guys like Moose and Stank, that |I'm not a hero, that I'm just as grimy as them. Thats not true, you see to fight the forces of darkness, you cannot afford to shy away from their means, or they will defeat you, and the will win. I cannot allow that, and I will use ANY means at my disposal to stop Moose and his like ion their tracks. The end justifies the means.
Firechild comes close to the camera, the light of the torches refelcting in his eyes.
FC: Moose, this is your day of judgment, and although I would usually say this is for justice, this is more than justice. It is punishment....
Firechild grabs the nearest torch and hurls it at the sheet, just as a close up of Moose, after the loss last week plays.
The promo ends with this shot of a hurt and slightly discomfitted Moosehead Jack, surrounded and eventually eaten up, by a circle of flame....
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:44:17 GMT -5
[The Chickenshit Heels step off the plane at the airport in Uruguay and immediately begin bitching.] AA: This sucks. JA: I know, I don't even know what language they speak here. AA: Well, besides that. We're gonna get to pick one of the stipulations for the tag team title match at the pay per view, and damn it, Capellan has the Box O'Promos. Ya know, with the little compartment with every single match type and stipulation that has ever been imagined by any person in the business. EVER. JA: Yeah, but we don't need that to pick a stipulation. We can probably narrow it down to three or four and be done with it. [They reach their rental car - yes, TCH are straight VIP'ing by skipping baggage claim - and get in, Johnny driving, AA on the passenger side.] AA: Yeah, but what if Capellan and Viper find it. God knows what kind of match we'll be in. JA: Well that settles it then. You and Dragon gotta win this thing. That's the only way we can assure ourselves of not getting screwed over by Cheech and Chong. AA: Cheech and Chong? I like that, we gotta remember that one. [Writes it down on a napkin] JA: So how are we gonna do this? AA: By cheating? JA: Well, besides that? AA: I don't know yet. We got a few days to figure it out. JA: What about the stipulation? AA: Let's see... Pinata on a Pole, Sharpie on a Pole - you know I'm the master of that one, right? - Turkey on Rye on a pole... mmmmm, turkey... JA: Country Club Death Match? You know I'm the master of that one, right? AA: Shut up. Besides, I don't know how that would work in a triple threat environment. Now 9 Iron on a Pole... that would definitely work! JA: We gotta come up with a stipulation that will not only be the best for us, but one that will work against Cheech, Chong, Billy Dee, and... and... are there no Canadian movie stars we can riff here? AA: Um... I'll have to get back to you on that one, Johnny. JA: All right... but we should probably figure out how we're gonna get you and Dragon to win this thing before we go too far. AA: We got some time. How do you say sandwich in Spanish? [Johnny pulls the car into some restaurant looking place. AA steps out.] AA: Chico! Un sandwicho pronto!
AA: Maybe they got another restaurant down the road...
[fade out]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:44:59 GMT -5
<SFJ13 stops Moosehead Jack in the hallway and asks him for a moment of his time>
SFJ13: Moose, you have an Intercontinental title defense this week against Firechild, but you have been unusually quiet about it? Are you concerned about Firechild?
MHJ: Concerned? Why should I be? Look, I have beaten Firechild before. I know what he can do, and nothing has changed. Firechild, you can say all you want about retribution, and how this is to eliminate me - the great evil - from the OOWF. Whatever. You are a hypocrite just like Concrete. Your lust for gold is as insatiable as his is, and you will cover any act of aggression you show in some ridiculous heroic rhetoric.
Face it Firechild, you are consumed with the lust for gold. You want this title from me, not because of some supposed threat I pose to the heroes of the world, you want this title to satiate your own lust for gold. To satisfy your desire to say you are the best. Really Firechild, do true heroes need gold and trophies to prove they are moral upstanding men? Especially when that trophy was earned through savage fighting and bloodshed? Some hero you are.
The fact remains Firechild, until your lust for gold outweighs my lust for bloodshed and carnage, you can't beat me. You like to talk about playing with fire, I have felt the flames, I know what it is to burn. But you, like a little moth circling the flames, closer and closer you will go, until one day, you go up in flames.
That day is coming sooner than you think.
Trust me
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:45:20 GMT -5
Concrete waks into the Heroe Cave late a night and sees a small circle of firelight lighting one corner.
He goes to investigate and sees Firechild, standing in the trophy room, surrounded by candles, looking at Concrete's OOWF World Heavyweight title, as it sits on it's plinth...his arm stretched out towards it.
CTG: Hey, ah...Firechild. What you doing?
FC: OH, he 'crete. I was just meditating on our noble purpose, y'know so I'm more focussed when I face Moose on Wednesday...
CTG: But why in here? Why not in the Sanctum of Peace, or the Chamber that Needs No Weapons?
FC: Your title inspired me, shows that we can achieve our aims....
CTG: Are you OK man? You've got a look about you?
FC: It's nothing, just something Moose said earlier....or maybe I've just been meditating too long. Anyway, I'm gonna hit the rack - wish me luck Takaken?
CTG: Yeah, sure - good luck.....
Firechild grabs his kit bag and heads tio his room, while Concrete looks after him as he leaves, looking more than a little worried.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:45:40 GMT -5
*Sexy Female Journalist 342 is running through the hallway. A cameraman follows*
SFJ: I've just gotten word that Hardbody Harris has been attacked in his room of weaponry. Let's go in to see his status.
*They open a door and Hardbody is there, lying on a broken table with a chair across his face.*
SFJ: He appears to be unconcious! Hardbody! Hardbody!
*Harris stirs slowly and takes the chair off his face. He...yawns?*
HH: Huh? What?
SFJ: Are you okay?
HH (looking around) Huh? Oh, yeah. I was lying on this table and holding a chair in front of my head, in case Spin or Nayr wanted to legdrop it onto me or something. I must have fallen asleep while waiting.
SFJ: What about the broken table?
HH: Oh, you know how these things are. I probably tossed or turned one to many times, and down I go.
SFJ: So, you're not hurt?
HH: Unfortunately...no. Damn it.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:46:03 GMT -5
(Once Firechild leaves, Crete looks over the mini-shrine that was build with the OOWF title as the centerpiece. He settles himself in to meditate, something he hasn't tried in a while...)
CTG: ..... I wonder how Sonjay Dutt does this with a straight face....
(CTG closes his eyes, and the magic of the Ninja Cameramen takes over as we can see inside Concrete's brain. We see the image of concrete, in his Heroes' Guild initiation regalia, fending off his three opponents in a wild fightscene worthy of "Shanghai Noon" or "Big Trouble in Little china". Armed with only a staff, he fends off UnderDawg's magic, OBJ's weapons, and Stank's close-quarter offense. OBJ ends up back to back with Crete as Moose arrives on the scene with a barbed-wire whip)
CTG: I think we're running out of options
OBJ: mate, they're just evenin the odds
CTG: where are the others from my Guild? and where's Gator to help you?
OBJ: mate, sometimes ya gotta face this on yer own
(OBJ wheels and punches Crete, and while he reels, Moose wraps him up in the barbed wire whip)
CTG: (worried) how DARE you!
Moose: how dare you, Crete
(Moose lunges forward and slams a HEART PUNCH into crete's chest, making the whip dig deep into Crete's body. CTG screams and snaps out of the meditation)
CTG: How dare I.... what....?
(CTG gathers his belt)
CTG: I have defended this with my very life since the day I took it away from Underdawg. I have set my purpose and my path on this title, and as this war has escalated I have lost allies and Guild-mates. No matter the danger or the odds, I must continue.... this championship must stay with me, so that the greed and corruption can be finally cleansed from it.
(As he walks away with the belt, wisps of smoke seem to trace around the belt... or was that from the candles...)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:46:24 GMT -5
*OBJ walks into the Destroyitarium*
OBJ: Hey Stank, we did a pretty good job on Concrete just now.
Stank: That we did.
Spin: You guys do realize it was just a dream sequence.
Stank: So, you thinking about joining us?
OBJ: We did make a good team just now.
Spin: It wasn't real!
OBJ: How about we watch eachother's backs and see how it works out?
Stank: Not a bad start.
Spin: It must have been CGI.
OBJ: By the way, Ozzie's son is outside looking for Capslock. Any idea where he went?
Stank: Not a clue. Sorry.
Spin: I thought he was going to...
Stank: Whoa! Will you look at the time! We've to got, um, meditate.
Spin: What?
Stank: Yeah, it's that time. So, Jack, would you mind telling him we don't know where Lock is?
OBJ: No worries, mate.
*OBJ walks outside, where he meets Jack Osbourne*
OBJ: Sorry, mate. They don't know where he is.
JO: OK, thanks for asking.
*OBJ walks off*
JO: I so need a better agent.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:46:47 GMT -5
Phantos & Lucios are sitting in the Rick's office. Rick is on his cell phone. He hangs up and faces the masked men.
GMtR: Ok gentlemen, what can I do for you today?
Phantos: We had an idea for you. We were watching OOWF TV and saw the disgruntledness of the 3 teams in tonight's round-robin-for-the-right-to-name-a-stipulation tournament. Lucios and I would like to offer our services to you.
Lucios: See, while 4 of the men are in the ring, the other two will be on the outside and up to who knows what kind of shenanigans. Let us be your ringside enforcers.
GMtR: Yeah, I'm not stupid. I put you two out there at ringside and you attack everyone in an attempt to weasel your way in to a tag team title shot. Not a chance.
P: We don't operate like that. Absoultely, we want the OOWF Tag Team Championships. But we want to earn that opportunity. Think, you can get your newest acquisition out there in front of your fans on a prime stage, really get your money's worth.
GMtR: You will already be out there in front of the fans, you have a match with Los Defensetrators tonight.
L: We know that. But that's gonna take all of what, 3 minutes? Those guys can't hold a candle to us. We dominated that match last week, and we will do it again tonight. Squash matches won't get us much exposure. But a second appearance during the tag team round robin, that will. We get exposure, you get clean finishes. Isn't that what you really want?
GMtR: No, not really. Listen, go back and win a few more matches before I consider granting you any requests.
P: We'll do our job, don't worry about that. But what are you going to do when the last match of your round robin turns into a schmozz? Send out Flair or Simmons?
L: We'll be available when you need us.
(P&L shake Rick's hand and walk towards the recently replaced door.)
(Lucios turns to rick once he reaches the door)
L: Maple? Rick, If you want quality, go with red oak next time.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:47:08 GMT -5
As Outback Jack leaves, Stank sits in the Lotus position. Spin joins him.*
Stank- Ahmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Spin - Ahmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Stank - mmmmmmmIdon'tfeelanythiiiingmmmmmmm
Spin - mmmmmmeeneeeitherrrrmmmmmmmmmm
Stank - mmmmmmmmmmmmthiisisstuuupidmmmmmmmmmm
Spin - mmmmmmmlet'sdrinkinnnsteadmmmmmmmmmmm
Stank - mmmmgoodideagoopenthebottleofSmirnovmmmmmmmmmmmm
Spin - waitIfeelsomthinggggmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Stank - whatisitmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Spin - Icandefinitelyfeelsomthinnnggmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Stank - whaaaaatttmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Spin - feeelslikemmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Stank - mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Spin - mmmmmmmmmmmzzzz zzzzz zzzzz
Stank - SpinnnnmmmmmmSPINNNmmmm... Spin? SPIN!!
Spin - zzhuh? Wha?
Stank - Wake up man! I ain't doin this shit on my own!
Spin - Sorry.
Stank - Forget it. No amount of Zen is gonna help me get that title off of Crete. I'll have to do it the old fashioned way... allow him to continue underestimating me, then beat him into submission.
Spin - What about Moose?
Stank - As for the others. They need to realize. The World Title coming to Drink & Destroy has been a long time comin. They need to step off or get stepped on.
Spin - Um... Moose?
Stank - ... Though the World Title is a great prize... in the grand scheme, it is secondary only to taking out the Heroes Guild. Moose is key to that happening.
Spin - I don't understand why you're so Hellbent on...
Stank - BECAUSE THEY are NOT Heroes! I know I'M not, but AT LEAST I don't PRETEND to be! They're hypocrites! Firechild's actions already PROVE it! Crete's as well! When all is said and done... Concrete will NO longer be champion. And the Guild... will lie in ruin.
Believe me.
Spin (mumbling)- ... and Rick said I sound like Moose.
Stank - What did you say?
Spin - nothing.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:47:31 GMT -5
Nayr is walking down a hallway. It's dim, not a whole lot of light. Mysterious voices emanate from nowhere.
"Well, if it isn't the Halfling luchadore..."
"No, he's a superhero now"
"He's still a halfling, you know. Incredibly weak."
Nayr: shut up! I'm not weak!
"You are. Everyone despises you. No one will tell you. Well, some will, but they're heels. The faces won't. Think about that."
"Thinking is outside his primitive hobbit brain."
"He still doesn't realize the ridiculousness of his own gimmick."
"He's pretty weak."
"What a weakling."
"I need to pick up some vanilla wafers on the way home."
Nayr: Why won't these mysterious voices leave me alone? Well, I'll show them. I'll win the Onslaught Championship and none of these voices will ever bother me again.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:47:51 GMT -5
(Los Defenstratores are hanging out backstage.)
El Ecosistema: Me gustan los bocadillos.
El Voltaje: Si. Son mas deliciosos que la cabeza de un pollo.
El Ecosistema: Si.
(A stagehand walks up.)
El Ecosistema: Hola senor.
Stagehand: Hi. I hope I'm not bothering you.
El Voltage: Jovenes no nos molestan.
Stagehand: Yeah. See...a lot of people have been complaining that they don't understand what you two say.
El Ecosistema: Es verdad?
El Voltaje: Pero el OOWF es estadounidense! Todos las personas en los Estados Unidos hablan Espanol!
Stagehand: No...no they don't.
El Ecosistema: Pero en el suroeste, es el idioma oficial, si?
Stagehand: No...it's not the official language. It's just that there are a lot of illegal immigrants who don't speak English.
El Voltaje: Imigrantes ilegales? Pero Mexico es un paraiso!
Stagehand: Except that the economy is terrible and there's plenty of gang wars and drug running.
El Ecosistema: Y que?
Stagehand: The point is...can you guys speak English?
El Voltaje: Si, hablamos ingles.
El Ecosistema: Hablamos japones y australiana tambien.
Stagehand: Okay! So you'll speak English then?
El Voltaje: No.
Stagehand: But...everyone wants you to.
El Ecosistema: Si todos baje de un puente con un salto, tu tambien?
Stagehand: ...Never mind.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 25, 2008 9:48:10 GMT -5
Capellan finds Johnny Adrenaline in the back, flicking through a phone directory with increasing impatience.
"Damnit, does anyone know the Spanish for 'Country Club'?"
"Dude, just babelfish it."
"When I want your help I'll ask for it -"
"I thought you just did?"
"... shut up. What do you want?"
Capellan mouths the words "I can't tell you, because you told me to shut up."
"For God's sake ... you can talk. The quicker you tell me, the quicker you'll go away."
"We're teaming this week. I thought we should discuss strategies."
"Oh no. We're not winning this thing. No way I'm letting you pick one of the match stipulations. AA and Dragon are going to win this."
"So you're just going to lie down for them?"
"... actually I was just planning to leave you to get double-teamed."
"Oh."
"Anyway, we can't win this thing. We're in the first two matches of the series. That's the kiss of death. If we'd won our two matches the last one would be a dead rubber. Not going to happen."
"Dude: aren't you the one who usually reminds AA about kayfabe?"
"We're in Uruguay. These people don't speak English, anyway."
"Suddenly the phrase 'ugly American' makes sense."
"Who you calling ugly, shorty?"
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