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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:29:53 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland is KNOCKING~!on GM the Rick's office door*
GMtR: *still thrown off by this manuever* Umm...Come in?
DM: Hey Boss, you got a second?
GMtR: Yeah, sure I suppose, the Reds are really sandifying my vagina tonight. What can I do for ya, potsie?
DM:*sits down* Boss, listen *puts his celly on GMtR's desk* I'm getting these weird text messages, and I think they're from Chris Cole.
GMtR: And I care because...
DM: Listen, Boss, I know you and Cole have had your...well..issues...
GMtR: That's one way to put it...
DM: *clears throat* Well, Boss, I mean...try to put all that stuff aside for a sec and listen.
GMtR: You have like 30 seconds, potsie...
DM: Alright, alright. Basically, between these text messages, and his giving his clothes away after "BLOODBATH IN PARADISE", to his rambling about finding "him" in Vermont Teddy Bear land or whatever...I mean, I'm actually worried...
GMtR: You're worried? Why?
DM: Boss, listen, you know, I've been crazy. It's not a fun place to be at. I mean, ok, I enjoyed making Cole bleed and lose, and all that, but I mean, I'm a person too. Boss...Rick. You have to do something...call somebody. Something. I think he's gonna do something crazy...
GMtR: I'll take it under advisement. Anything else?
DM: *looks frustrated then sighs* No, I guess not.
GMtR: Good. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!!
*Davin Moreland stumbles out of the office clearly shaken, and appearing worried for a second, and spots Ric Flair walking down the hallway*
DM: Hey Naitch.
RF: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Flair rips off his shirt and starts chopping Moreland over and over. Moreland just kinda stands there with a grin on his face. Flair falls down and tries to hit a chop block, and then blades.*
RF: I'M the 16---WHOOOO 16-TIME WORLD CHAMP!!!!
DM: Thanks Ric. *smiling*
*Flair starts to elbow drop nothing, and then 'Styles and Profiles' in his crimson mask*
*Moreland continues down the hallway to the OOWF Talent mailbox. Inside he pulls out a multi-autographed picture of Team Hardbody*
DM: Ugh...what a tool. Hopefully someone does bash him with a weapon...and that damned mouse too. *picks up celly and dials* "Hi? Yes, I'd like to order a big sack of Killer Bees. Ok? Yeah. Deliver it to the locker room of Hardbody Harris. Yup. OOWF. Yeah, I'll put it on a card. Name on the card is HARDBODY HARRIS. Right. Ok. Thanks"
*Moreland chuckles and throws the credit card he yanked out of Harris' mailbox into the "well-placed" shredder. He continues down the hallway where he passes F. Fonzworth Cappington III*
DM: Hey! Capslock!
FFCIII: Umm, no. Not anymore, peon. The name is F. Fonzworth Cappington III, now. Recognize.
DM: *Tries to mentally give the reference back to 1995 and moves on* Well, uh, anyway...Mr. Cappington. It's great to have you back around here. You and Stank were my favorite tag-team back in the day.
FFCIII: I know you?
DM: Umm, heh, yeah kinda. I used to carry around a pole?
FFCIII: Oh...OH YEAH, Psycho Moreland...Yeah, how's that working out? I thought you were dead.
DM: Well, almost, but yeah, I'm back and actually trying to be a legitimate wrestler. I've just beaten "The Main Event" Chris Cole about 23 times in a row.
FFCIII: *checks watch and notes Moreland's size* Well, I gotta go. Umm...I'll see you.
DM: Yeah, good to see you. Take care, man.
FFCIII: Umm, yeah *hurries away*
*Moreland purposefully walks to the arena and nods to the music guy on the sound board behind the curtain. Killswitch cranks up and the crowd cranks up with it. Moreland pushes through the curtain and walks to the ring, giving medium-5s to the crowd slowly on his way to the ring. He picks up the conveniently placed mic. He smiles at the translator and starts to speak*
DM: It's great to be here in Saint Laurent Du Maroni, French Guiana!!!!
*crowd pops, obviously*
DM: It's good to be here, and it's good to have survived the STEEL CAGE match with Chris Cole at BLOODBATH IN PARADISE!
*crowd sheeps along in the appropriate places*
DM: But before that...At MIDWEEK MAYHEM...in the LAZY BOOKING INVITATIONAL *pop and pop*...I was on the potentially dominant team in Team Hardbody. *crowd hushes into apathy* Attitude, Phantos and I, set aside our differences, and were able to get the win for our team. *crowd back to caring* BUT....One of our teammates....Stabbed us in the back. He put personal interests in front of the team, and COST ME MY SHOT AT A TITLE! I only wanted a shot, it's what every wrestler dreams of. If our team had lost fair and square that would be one thing, but to have my shot RIPPED AWAY FROM ME by the selfish needs of a teammate, well, that's just something I WILL NOT STAND FOR. So this week at MIDWEEK MAYHEM, I'm going to show you what I do to people who stomp on MY dreams for their own purposes. Your actions do not only affect you. In this case, they affected me. And now, you'll pay. At MIDWEEK MAYHEM, Underdawg...
*As soon as the word's finished, the arena goes completely dark. Stupidly fake looking lightning appears to hit near the curtain, and the blue backlight thing happens. Sound kicks in...BONG BONG WOOF! Underdawg slowly meanders toward the ring. Moreland, in annoyingly typical fashion, is no-selling (again) and looks at best unimpressed, and at worst just bored. Underdawg starts to speak without a microphone, but, really, it doesn't matter*
UD: Moreland. Midweek Mayhem. You will...Rest....In...
*Moreland doesn't wait for the DAWG to finish and SUICIDE PLANCHAS OVER THE ROPE RIGHT INTO UNDERDAWG~! Underdawg pretty much no-sells and starts to trade haymakers with Moreland in hockey fight style again, ZOMG SLOBBERKNOCKER~! Several referees come down to break the two up and they tease the pull-apart spot a couple times. Finally, Underdawg breaks free and just starts to bite and gnaw at Moreland's head. The two are pulled apart again, as "Doggy Dogg World" is blasted during the fade to black*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:32:14 GMT -5
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem Live! From Saint Laurent Du Maroni, French Guiana PHANTOS & LUCIOS vs. KENJI & KNIFE vs. DEFENESTRATORSAll three teams make their way to the ring and get their instructions from the referee. This is a one fall match under Texas Tornado rules. Before the bell rings, F. Fonzworth Cappington III’s butler Lance comes to the top of the ramp carrying a golden clip board emblazoned with gaudy jewels, no doubt the most expensive clip board in the world. He takes a seat at the top of the ramp, the referee calls for the bell and this one is underway! The Defenestrators feign like they are going after Phantos and Lucios, then turn and leave the ring. As Phantos and Lucios watch them leave, Kenji and Knife attack them from behind. They brawl, but Kenji connects with a chop to the throat, and Knife goes to the eyes. Both men whip Phantos and Lucios across the ring, but lower their heads a moment too soon. Phantos and Lucios leap over Kenji and Knife, then stop behind them, as Kenji and Knife stand up, Phantos connects with a super kick to the mouth, and Lucios connects with a clothesline. Both Kenji and Knife hit the floor to regroup. As Phantos and Lucios turn around to celebrate, Voltage and Ecosystem are back into the ring, both men spring from the ropes and connect with spinning heel kicks. Eco pulls Phantos up and sends him to the corner and follows him in with a high knee to the side of the head. Voltage sends Lucios to the ropes, stops him in mid step with a spinning kick to the mid section, then hits the ropes and takes him down with a rolling neck breaker. Kenji and Knife are in the ring now, Kenji and Voltage take turns stomping Lucios, while Knife and Eco take turns blistering Lucios chest in the corner. Voltage grabs Phantos and hangs him by the neck on the top rope, Kenji charges across the ring and leaps over Volt’s back and crashes down on Phantos. Phantos hits the mat and rolls under the bottom rope to the floor. Kenji turns around, and Voltage catches him with an enzuguri to the back of the head that sends him to the corner. At the same time, Knife has Lucios on the top rope attempting a superplex, as he is about to hit the move, Ecosystem gets under Knife and turns it into a powerbomb/superplex! Lucios hits hard and rolls out of the ring, Eco pulls Knife to his feet and hits a snap fisherman’s suplex. Eco rushes over to the corner and he and Voltage grab Lucios and set him up for a spike pile driver! But before they can finish the move, Phantos nails Voltage from behind, and Kenji runs across the ring and catches Eco on top, and takes him off the top rope with a belly to belly suplex. Once again the Defenestrators are on the floor. Knife slides back under the ropes and Kenji and Knife and Phantos and Lucios go at it in a pier six brawl! Kenji catches Phantos in the throat with a spike, that sends Phantos to the mat in pain. Knife hits a low blow on Lucios that doubles him over in pain, Kenji grabs him and Knife lines up the STAB, but Lucios moves out of the way and Knife kicks Kenji in the face! Kenji staggers and Phantos catches him and LEVELS him with a Suicide Legdrop, then lands a baseball slide that sends Kenji under the bottom rope. Lucios heads to the top rope after planting Knife with a Deathgrip, Phantos throws him off the top, FLYING SPIKE! Cover, one, two, Thre….NO! Voltage is in to break up the pin! He grabs Lucios and throws him over the top rope to the floor, and catches Phantos with a thumb to the eye to slow him down, meanwhile, Eco climbs to the top rope and hits the SOY BOMB on Knife, covers, one, two, three! WINNERS in 16:56 – Defenestrators After the match, the Defenestrators take a minute to catch their breath, then call for the mic: Eco: Perhaps the powers that be didn’t hear us Sunday at Bloodbath in Paradise, when we said we wanted a shot at whoever wins the tag title match, we didn’t mean sometime down the road, we meant TONIGHT! Volt: And last time I checked, wasting our time with these two teams was not a title shot. Whoever is booking this crap, listen up, we are tired of being treated like a joke, we want our title shot, and we want it NOW! Eco: But right now, we are going to take a seat at ringside and watch a couple of other teams that are going to lay claim to OUR title shot <Volt throws down the mic and the Defenestrators head to the announce table and have a seat, they don’t bother to put on a head set though, so no witty commentary> LOS DEFENESTRATORS vs. CAPELLAN & VIPERLance remains seated at the top of the ramp as the two participants in this match make their way to the ring. Capellan and Viper seem to have lost a little spring in their step following their experiences at the PPV, whereas Los Def seem sprightly, Russ and Razz comment. Capellan starts for his team and locks up with El Voltaje who gets the better of the lock up and slaps Capellan in a headlock. Capellan tries to power out, but doesn’t have the strength and El Voltaje rears up on the headlock and back down, kicking backwards with his left foot as he does do, taking Capellan’s legs out. As Cap struggles to regain his balance, El Voltaje jumps straight up, and lifts his legs, SLAMMING Capellan’s face into the mat, in a ‘bulldog like maneuver.’ Cap spits blood as El Voltaje rolls to his feet, smiles and mugs to the crowd. Cap rolls onto his knees, but eats a Shining Wizard from El Voltaje. On the apron Ecosistema tries to start a ‘facil, facil facil’ chant with little success, so he starts berating the crowd. In the ring Voltaje has stopped mugging and is waiting for Capellan to get to his feet. When he does he swiftly kicks him in the gut and hooks him for a Circuit Breaker, but Cap wriggles free and arm drags El Voltaje across the ring. Voltaje is angered and charges back in, only to be arm dragged again. He gets to his feet and charges a third time, only to eat a beautiful dropkick from Capellan, who grabs his ribs on landing. With both men down it’s a race to the corners with Viper and Ecosistema stretching out for tags. However, Voltaje gets there first and Ecosistema bounds into the ring and charges across and knocks Viper off the apron. Capellan is still holing his arm out for a tag that will never come, so Ecosistema pulls Cap to his feet, and uses the arm to wrap it around Cap’s throat and slap him in a Cobra Clutch. Eco walks round Cap and sits down on his back, and cinches the hold in tighter. Capellan is holding on for air, but is starting to black out as the referee gets in his face, asking if he quits. He does not. The ref lifts his arm once, it falls. Twice, it falls. Three times, no, as Ecosistema releases the hold, and drags Capellan over to their corner. He confers with El Voltaje for a second, then hoists the semi-conscious Capellan onto the turnbuckle, and climbs after him. He tags Voltaje in, and lifts Capellan up onto the top rope and grabs him for a superplex. Voltaje jumps up the turnbuckle, hoisting Ecosistema and Capellan into a double superplex. Capellan crashes to the mat from a great height and Ecosistema grabs his back and rolls out of the ring as Voltaje kips up, poses for a second then covers Capellan for 1-2 NO! Viper dived into the ring and broke the count! Voltage goes to chase Viper, who slides out of the ring, and turns round straight into a Spinning Dragon Kick from Capellan. Both men are down again, and this time Capellan tags Viper in, and he meets Ecosistema in the middle of the ring with a Running Death Elbow. Ecosistema is reeled but doesn’t go down, so Viper grabs him and goes for a Sidewinder, but Ecosistema elbows free of the move, and low blows Viper! Viper drops to his knees in the ring, and Ecosistema kicks him again, in the side of the head. Viper’s eyes glaze over, as Ecosistema catches his breath. Ecosistema tags Voltaje in again and they hit the downed Viper with a double leg drop, followed with a double back drop, before the referee orders Ecosistema out of the ring. El Voltaje lines up Viper for a Shining Wizard, but Viper ducks his head down, and rolls Voltaje up on the rebound for a one count. Voltaje is pissed off, and slips a pair of brass knucks out of his tights and nails the rising Viper right in the face with them. Viper is busted open in a serious and completely gratuitous manner, quickly going right off the Muta scale of blood shedding. Voltaje tosses the knucks to Ecosistema who hides them in his mask. The referee examines Voltaje who pleads innocence, then goes back on the offensive, sending Viper reeling with a few stiff shots to the face, and nailing a Circuit Breaker for 1-2 NO! Viper gets a foot on the ropes to end it! El Voltaje remonstrates with the referee, but Capellan climbs the turnbuckle and nails him with a diving bulldog to level the playing field. Cap rolls out the ring and retakes his place in the corner as Voltaje and Viper get to their feet. Voltaje jumps for the corner and tags in Ecosistema, as Viper tags Cap, but the referee misses the second tag and pushes Capellan back into the corner. Ecosistema nails Viper again with the brass knucks and he staggers backwards and drops to the floor. Capellan grabs the ropes and hits a plancha INTO the ring, over the referee’s head, knocking the victorious Ecosistema to the mat, and then slides out of the ring as the referee shouts at him, and grabs Voltaje’s feet and pulls him off the apron. Ecosietma is shouting at Capellan as he lies on the floor, then turns round, straight into a Death Elbow from Viper, who has wiped the blood from his eyes, but is on his last legs. The force of the Elbow rocks Ecosistema into the ropes and he bounces forwards and Viper cradles him on reflex and it gets the win! WINNERS via pin-fall in 14:18, Capellan and Viper! <After a video package hyping upcoming OOWF events, we cut to the ring and see F. Fonzworth Cappington III sitting in a regal looking chair with his butler by his side, and an impressive looking spread of food in front of him and glass bowls filled with hundred dollar bills> <waiting for the boos to die down, Cappington pulls out a cigar and lights a hundred dollar bill, and uses that to light his cigar> This is a Coba Behike Cigar, cost $400 each, but you people will never know the rich taste. You know, a few months ago, your boos would have bothered me. It would have eaten at me inside. I would have drank myself stupid on that cheap domestic swill people call beer, worrying about where I had gone wrong to make the people hate me. I would have done all I could to make you cheer me. I would have attacked heels, I would have cut humorous drunken promos, I would have done anything just to hear the cheers of the fans one more time. But now? Now, you can all kiss my ass. I’m rich bitches! Do you realize that I could buy this backward ass country and turn it into my own personal shit box? Seriously, think about that, I have so much money, I could buy every damn one of you. But I am not going to do that, at least not tonight. No, tonight, before I sign the contract to beat that insipid fool Hardbody Harris to death, I am going to bring a little class to this godforsaken ass backward hick country. Lance, if you would..<Lance ties a silk napkin around Cappington’s neck> This suit is Armani, and no doubt worth more than most of your lives. Hell, this one hundred percent silk napkin around my throat is worth more than most of you make in a year. Now, we can continue with the lesson. People of wealth and refined tastes, like myself take tea in the afternoon. It is a status symbol <Lance pours Cappington a cup of tea and he sips it gently, pinky finger fully extended in the air>. Ahhhhhh, this is a special white tea that cost over $250 an ounce. Now, a true gentleman does not take solely tea, oh no, a refined man has the finest snack available to man <Lance opens a can and spreads something on a cracker, hands it to Cappington, who takes several dainty bites>. Delicious. This is Almas Caviar, $700 an ounce, the rarest caviar in the world. Now, this little demonstration of decadence would not be complete without a little night cap to top it all off <Lance pops the cork on a bottle of wine and pours a glass, Cappington swirls the wine and takes a sip.> These are the finer things in life, this is a bottle of 1787 Bordeaux Chateau Lafite. It is worth $160,000. Now, you may think I am bragging, and I am, I am rich bitches, but these are the finer things a man can have. A man such as myself. Sadly for you people, this is as close as you will ever get to the fine things in life, this is as close as you will ever come to……….
<Cappington is interrupted by the lights dimming and some familiar music playing>
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips.
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby).
But baby, baby I know it...
<Lights come back on and pyro explodes, the crowd goes crazy!>
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh.
Now there's no welcome look in your eyes
when I reach for you.
And now your're starting to criticize little things I do.
It makes me just feel like crying, (baby).
'Cause baby, something in you is dying.
You lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woooooah
Hardbody Harris has made his way to the ring, Fievel in tow, mic in hand.
FFCIII: How DARE you interrupt me! When your presence is required you will be sent for! If you EVER interrupt me again I will…….
<Harris walks up to F. Fonzworth Cappington III and puts his hand in his face silencing him>
HH: <looking up slowly with his eyes closed savoring the cheers that echo through the arena> FINALLY…….THE BOD HAS COME BACK TO SAINT LAURENT DU MARONI!!!! <The crowd goes completely batshit insane, Harris waits a few moments for the cheers to die down> Look at you F. Fonzworth Cappington III, sitting there with all your fancy food and drink. So, now, you have money. You have the money to buy fancy cars, fancy houses, servants of questionable sexuality <Lance looks hurt> but all of the money in the world cannot make up for one thing….
FFCIII: What is that?
HH: The fact that THE MAN HAS A TINY PENIS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! <The crowd roars and FFCIII feigns rage, then quickly calms down>
FFCIII: Harris, your guttural barbs and childish insults have no affect on a man of my proper breeding. Now, I assume you have interrupted the greatest thing that will ever happen to these people to accept my challenge?
HH: You’re damn right, no one interrupts my matches. I had UnderDawg BEAT!
FFCIII: Yes, of course you did. Please, Mr. Harris, have a seat, Lance, get him a chair befitting a man of his stature.
<Lance leaves the ring and comes back with a rickety old stool that looks like it is being held together with two nails and some duct tape>
FFCIII: Have a seat, I have the contract right here, let me just get something to sign with <Cappington pulls a pen set out of a pocket in his smoking jacket> This is a Montegrappa Peace Pen, ironic considering what we are using it to sign, don’t you think? It is worth over 1.3 million dollars.
<Cappington signs the paper and hands Harris the contract, Harris reaches for the pen as well>
FFCIII: Uh, no, my good sir, you are far too…….common, for such a pen, Lance.
<Lance hands Harris a dollar store pen, probably worth a few cents, Harris just smiles, gets the ink flow started, and signs his name>
FFCIII: Very well, Mr. Harris, you have signed your fate. Now, if you would kindly just leave the ring, I can get back to educating these poor schleps on the finer things in life.
<Harris gets to his feet and starts to leave the ring, then turns back to Cappington>
HH: You know something Senor Snoot?
FFCIII: That is F. Fonzworth Cappington III, get my name right
HH: Fine Fonzie, there is something I have always wanted to do to a snooby snoot like you…..
Harris scoops up some of the ultra expensive Almas caviar and flips it right in Cappington’s face! Cappington falls out of his chair and grabs at his eyes. As he gets to his feet, Harris picks up the rickety old stool and SLAMS it into Cappington’s head! The crowd roars their approval as Harris waits for Cappington to get to his feet and hits the TO BE EDITED IN LATER through the table!!! Harris stands and looks at Cappington, lying in his caviar and tea. Hardbody grabs the bowls of money and leaves the ring and he and Fievel toss handfuls of money to the crowd as they leave.
Inside the ring, Cappington is back on his feet and in a rage. He grabs the wreckage of the table and throws it out of the ring, then does the same with his chair, before finally turning his attention to Harris as he heads to the top of the ramp. Harris pauses and waves, and tosses the last of the money to the crowd. Cappington is furious, he grabs Lance and chokeslams him to the mat. Then leaves the ring and storms to the back JW WESTGAARD vs. CANADIAN DRAGONBoth J.W. Westgaard and Canadian Dragon radiate intensity as they make their standard entrances. They stand toe to toe as referee Junior Hale calls for the bell. Dragon offers a handshake to start. Westgaard considers, but shakes his head. Dragon offers a second time and Westgaard extends his hand – and slaps the taste out of Dragon’s mouth! Westgaard pummels Dragon with lefts and rights, driving him back into the corner. He continues to throw punches until Junior is forced to step in and push him back. Westgaard steps around him and whips Dragon across the ring, following up with a clothesline. Dragon stumbles out of the corner and drops to the mat, rolling to the outside. Dragon shakes his head to clear it and climbs onto the apron. Westgaard moves in and eats a European uppercut. A second one staggers him, and Dragon drops him throat-first across the top rope. Westgaard falls to the mat and Dragon springboards off the top rope into a Shooting-Star press. He hooks the leg, but Westgaard drapes a foot on the bottom rope at two. Dragon pulls him up and drills him with a snap suplex. He comes off the ropes and drives an elbow into Westgaard’s throat. He hooks the leg, but Westgaard kicks out at two. Dragon is up first and moves in, but Westgaard catches him with a fist to the midsection. Westgaard rolls to his feet and rocks Dragon with chops. He goes for an Irish whip but Dragon reverses. Westgaard hits the turnbuckles and explodes back out, leveling Dragon as he follows him in. Westgaard stomps on Dragon, and again has to be physically restrained by Junior. Dragon gets to his feet and grabs a headlock. Westgaard shoots him off and goes for a clothesline but Dragon ducks. Dragon comes back with a flying forearm, but Westgaard uses his momentum to turn it into a power slam for two. Both men are up and dragon gets the better of an exchange of chops, ducking a blow and planting Westgaard with a German suplex. As Westgaard gets unsteadily to his feet, Dragon sets up for the Canadian Destroyer. He leaps, but Westgaard shifts his weight and reverses, slamming Dragon’s back and head into the mat. Westgaard goes to the ropes as Dragon gets up – Crosscheck! Dragon goes down hard. Westgaard covers, but dragon Drapes a foot over the bottom rope at two. Westgaard pulls it off before Junior sees it, and Junior finishes the count. WINNER in 12:37, J.W. Westgaard. DAVIN MORELAND vs. UNDERDAWGDavin Moreland enters the ring first. He stares up the aisle as the lights go out, Bong… Bong… Bark! Underdawg makes his way slowly down the aisle and raises the house lights. The two combatants meet in center ring and DM starts talking some serious trash. He builds to a scream: “Davin Moreland Ain’t Your B-” A right cross from UD silences the tirade, and referee Mel Creech calls for the opening bell. UD presses the advantage, backing DM into the corner and pummeling him. An Irish whip is followed by a cross ring clothesline, and DM stumbles out of the corner into a goozle. DM punches his way free, kicks UD low (out of sight of Mel) and drills him with a DDT. He covers, but UD kicks out with authority at one. DM eats a knee to the face as he gets up, and UD goes back on the attack. DM is beaten from pillar to post and back again. UD throws DM to the corner and places him on the top rope for a superplex, but DM fights back. He attempts to shove UD off the turnbuckles but UD hangs on and comes back with a head butt. With DM stunned, UD hits the superplex. Instead of going for the cover, UD picks him up, slips behind, and locks on the Dawgmission! UD drops to the mat and adds a bodyscissors, but DM flails his arms and legs and just manages to hook a foot over the bottom rope. Mel Creech forces the break. UD gets to his feet and lunges at DM, who darts out of the way. They repeat the process and this time DM manages to trip UD up as he goes by. DM pounces, raining down blows on UD’s head and shoulders. He pulls UD to his feet and rocks him with a European Uppercut. DM hits the ropes and goes for A Really Good Diamond Cutter but UD reverses it in mid air, driving DM to the mat. UD hooks the leg, but DM rolls a shoulder at two. As both men get up, DM whiffs on a haymaker, and takes a series of body blows. DM tries to reverse an Irish whip but UD re-reverses and catches him with a power slam. UD signals for the end before pulling DM to his feet. UD sets up the Last Ride, but DM blocks and manages to pull UD’s legs out from under him. DM falls back, catapulting UD into the corner, where he overshoots the turnbuckles and collides head–first with the ring post. UD stumbles back as DM hits the ropes – A Really Good Diamond Cutter! DM hooks the leg and Mel Creech counts one…two…THREE!! WINNER in 13:57, Davin Moreland! <After another promo for OOWF Judgment Eve II PPV, we go back to the ring where the piano riff to Van Halen’s Right Now hits on the PA and the crowd gives a huge mixed reaction to the new OOWF Tag Team Champions, Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster, gingerly walking out onto the staging area, both guys bandaged up, then making their way slowly to the ring. The tag team titles are nowhere to be seen, but Capps and Adrenaline have grins on their faces as they carry three briefcases into the ring, as the mixed reaction turns to predominantly boos. There is a table set up in the ring for TCH to set the briefcases on, and Johnny takes a microphone.]
JA: Well… well… well…. Look who pulled the upset at Bloodbath in Paradise. [JA and AA look around to the crowd like a couple of smug assholes.] Alan, refresh my memory again… um… who wanted to see us win the OOWF Tag Team Titles in the Ultimate Punjabi Triple Scaffold X Weapons on a Pole Prison Match?
AA: Nobody…
JA: And who picked us to win the OOWF Tag Team Titles in the Ultimate Punjabi Triple Scaffold X Weapons on a Pole Prison Match?
AA: Nobody…
JA: CORRECTION!
AA: We did. Hahahahahaha!!!
JA: Exactly! But nobody wanted to believe us. Nobody gave us a chance! Nobody!
AA: Never mind the fact that Johnny is the greatest Intercontinental Champion in OOWF history. And I own a victory over the current OOWF Champion in the greatest match in wrestling history, the SHARPIE ON A POLE MATCH!!
JA: So for any of you gambling types… [Johnny and AA look at each other and laugh] …that had your money on the wrong team the other night, from the bottom of our hearts…
AA: You’re welcome! Hahahahahahaha!
JA: Now… I’m sure all of our fans out there are clamoring to see me and Alan put the Tag Team Title belts around our waists so you all can snap pictures with your cell phones and immediately send them to your friends all around the world. So, since we’re the guys that DO, rather than TALK, let’s get down to business…
[Johnny and Alan open the two briefcases on each end of the table in the ring to reveal brand spanking new Tag Team Championship belts. AA goes to one corner, Johnny goes to the adjacent one and they hold the gold up for all to see, before putting the belts on, hopping off the turnbuckles and going back to the mics at the table.]
AA: Now, let’s really get this shindig going! Naitch, come on down, my friend!
[The theme from 2001: Space Odyssey cues up and Ric Flair struts out from behind the curtain wearing a $8000 suit, then pulls a large sandwich cart out from the back and rolls it to the ring. TCH slides a big tray of sandwiches into the ring and sets it on the table. Flair carries a cooler into the ring and grabs a couple of bottles of champagne. AA and JA shake them up and spray them all over the ring. Flair pours some glasses for the champions, as Alan grabs the mic.]
AA: Naitch, it is an honor having you here on hand to help us celebrate what is arguably the greatest moment in OOWF history.
RF: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
AA: But Ric… there have been others that have assisted Johnny and myself in becoming the premier team in the wrestling world today.
JA: And, because we are nice guys, role models, we’re gonna take time out of our championship celebration to thank those people… and we’re gonna thank those people right now.
AA: So… monkeys in the… um, gorilla position, cue up the music and send out our first guest…. Our first guest was one of the key contributors to The Chickenshit Heels’ Worldwide Bodyguard Search. He was such a hit, we… uh… never asked him back.
JA: But he made a big splash by powerbombing everybody in sight. Please welcome…. SID!
[Jesus E. Kidneypuncher comes down to the ring as TCH looks on in confusion. JEK steps in the ring, and AA cuts him off before he can begin to talk.]
AA: What the hell are you doing here? Where the hell is Sid??
JEK: He called a little while ago. He said he had a softball game. And since you were talking about bodyguards, I figured I’d take his place.
AA: Says who?
JEK: I dunno. Hey, I can do the boot. Ya wanna see?
JA:No, no, no… Look man, didn’t we kill you?
AA: Didn’t several different people kill you?
JEK: Well yeah, but…
AA: BUT?? But nothing, man! You’re just tryin to squeeze a payday outta this, aren’t ya?
JEK: Um…
JA: Uh…
JEK: Well, yeah.
AA: I got an idea. Me and Johnny, we’re in a charitable mood tonight. Here… [pulls a wad of cash out of his pocket] … here’s 500 bucks. Now get the hell outta here.
JEK: Ooh, thanks guys. [Jesus leaves the ring]
AA: Let’s show you a guy who knows how to sell death. Bossman, get on down here.
[The ghost of the Bossman comes down to the ring… as nobody can see him. AA appears to hug himself, and Johnny shakes a phantom hand.]
AA: Bossman… buddy, good to see ya. [crowd boos] How ya been?
JA: Must be a lot easier now to raise briefcases and shit now that nobody can see ya.
[Suddenly the remaining briefcase on the table begins to rise toward the ceiling. Johnny jumps on it.]
AA: HEY!! Don’t mess with that! We’re using that later!! Get outta here, man! Ric, pour us some more champagne.
RF: Got it, big daddy! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
JA: [takes a sip] Exquisite, Naitch. Just wonderful. And speaking of exquisite… our next guest knows a little about fine dining. So get on down here, buddy!
[Abdullah the Butcher makes his way to the ring in a three piece suit, paying no attention to the fans as he comes down the aisle.]
AA: ABBY! [AA hugs Abby] Great to see ya! How’s business?
ATB: Doing well.
JA: Such an honor for you to be here tonight, Abby. [looks at Abby’s head] Damn, buddy, you’re sweating everywhere. I know it’s hot under these lights. Let me grab you a towel.
[AA tosses Abby a towel, and Abby wipes his forehead off. Just running the towel across his brow opens up a cut on his forehead.]
AA: Damn, Abby. You juice for a towel?
JA: Have a drink, Abby.
[Abby turns to the sandwich cart to grab a glass of champagne, and Flair sees him bleeding.]
RF: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOIN, FAT BOY?? BLEEDING FOR NO REASON IS MY GIMMICK!
AA: Naitch, Naitch… it’s okay…
RF: YOU WANNA HAVE IT OUT?? LET’S HAVE IT OUT!!!
[Flair cuts himself and begins bleeding everywhere.]
JA: Naitch… you don’t gotta…
[Abby grabs a fork out of his jacket and stabs himself in the shoulder, drawing blood thru the shirt.]
AA: Guys, guys…
[Flair grabs a knife off the sandwich cart and slices a gash down the side of his neck, and blood pours onto his Armani suit.]
JA: Ric, what are you doing?
[Abby snatches the knife from Flair and slices up his shirt and begins bleeding from his belly. Flair grabs another knife and cuts up his pants, and by now, there is blood all over the ring.]
AA: Abby, Naitch… it’s okay. You can both bleed like stuck pigs whenever you want to.
RF: YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO FAT BOY!!!
AA: You callin me fat?
RF: I CALL IT LIKE I SEE IT!! YOU DON’T LIKE IT?? FIRE ME!! I’M ALREADY FIRED! FIRE ME!! I’M ALREADY FIRED! ABUSE OF POWER! ABUSE OF POWER! YOU!!!! I’M LEAVING!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!
JA: No, no, Naitch, don’t…
[Before Johnny can finish, Flair throws the sandwich tray into the crowd and the fans get some good grub. AA is in shock as Flair storms off and Abby slowly leaves.]
JA: Alan… it’s okay. We got one more guest.
[Before TCH can introduce the final guest… Ron Simmons comes thru the curtain.]
JA: Look, here’s Ron.
[AA looks up the aisle for Simmons to come to the ring. But Ron just looks around.]
RS: DAMN!
[Simmons leaves. And TCH is appalled.]
AA: Where the hell are Nash and Uma?
JA: I don’t know. They were still at the hotel when we came to the arena.
AA: Dammit!
JA: Tude… it’s okay. Remember… we still have one more thing to get to.
AA: Ah… yes! You’re right!
JA: Of course I’m right.
[TCH goes back to the table and stand in front of the third briefcase.]
JA: It has been a long journey, Alan.
AA: Yes, it has, Johnny.
JA: And finally, The Chickenshit Heels have reclaimed what is rightfully theirs. After all the trials and tribulations we have personally gone through, Alan… this is a great moment.
AA: Can’t agree with you more, my friend. You, myself…. And most importantly, all of our fans have been waiting for this moment for months. And with that being said…
[TCH opens up the briefcase and AA pulls out the BOX O’PROMOS!! Crowd pops big for that. Apparently under the box were a couple of Apter magazines, and Johnny sets those on the table as well. The lights dim and THE ONE TRUE MICROPHONE descends from the ceiling and TCH prepares to cut the ULTIMATE PROMO!!]
JA: Tonight… you people have has the privilege of witnessing….
[But before Johnny can finish his thought, Weapon X’s music hits and L.D. Williams and Canadian Dragon stroll to the ring… not really walking side by side. They each confidently enter the ring.]
AA: And you two can just get the hell out of this ring right now. You were not invited to this party.
LDW: Shut it, Capps. We invited ourselves.
CD: I just wanna know how you two weasels managed to get out of wrestling tonight.
JA: That’s none of your damn business. What matters is…
LDW: What matters is this Adrenaline… you have our belts and we want them back.
AA: Hold on… so you two can’t stand each other, telling everyone you’re done teaming up, but you want our belts?
LDW: You’re thinking too much… though I must congratulate for actually thinking at all.
CD: It’s easy, boys. Whether we like each other or not, me and L.D. are the best pure wrestlers in this company and we want our rightful shot to reclaim OOWF gold.
JA: So you gotta interrupt our promo to make your point?
LDW: Somebody had to shut you morons up. Might as well be me.
CD: [shoves Williams] Don’t forget me.
LDW: Whatever.
CD:[gets in LD’s face] Look, I’ve had about enough of your…
AA: Guys, guys… you can get a room later.
JA: You guys want a rematch? You got it.
AA: Yeah… next week.
JA: Now leave so we can finish our party.
[WX just stares down TCH and begins to slowly walk away.]
JA: Hold on guys… there’s just one little thing we forgot.
LDW: What’s that? Titles on a Pole?
AA: Hey, that’s not a bad…
JA: [elbows AA] No, no ,no… our titles… against your team. If we win, you two morons can’t team up and bother us and interrupt our promos ever again.
AA: Nor can you share a hotel room and have gay….
[Before Capps can finish, Williams and Dragon jump the champs. We get a huge slugout in the middle of the ring and the table gets knocked down in the scrum. Suddenly, Capellan & Viper storm the ring and beat up BOTH teams. Williams and Dragon bail to the floor, Viper clotheslines Johnny over the top and Cap dropkicks AA thru the ropes and to the floor. Capps snatches the Box O’Promos and the briefcase, and TCH hauls ass thru the crowd keeping their attention toward C&V in the ring and WX heading up the ramp.]OUTBACK JACK vs. LD WILLIAMSOBJ comes down first, followed by LD, who is adorned in the Surgical Tape of Extreme PPV Action (catch the replay for only $39.95!). The bell kicks us oof, and the two men go nose-to-nose in one of those mildly homo-erotic staredowns wrestlers are so fond of. OBJ grins and gestures to his waist, asking Williams where his belt is. LD responds with a stiff slap, and IT. IS. ON. Both men stand their ground, trading forearms in the middle of the ring. Over in the ROH thread, folby dies a little on the inside. Advantage to OBJ, who's got height, weight and not having been in Capellan's crazy ass Punjabi Triple Swirl Deathmatch O' Doom match (or whatever it was called) in his favor. Irish whip sends LD into the ropes, but he ducks the clothesline and goes behind for a waistlock. OBJ does that "try to separate the hands" thing for a few seconds, then realizes how dumb that is and just elbows Williams in the side of the head, instead. Break, lock-up, Williams with the attempted hammer lock but OBJ powers out. Both men separate and circle as they evaluate their strategy. Charge from OBJ, but LD cuts it off with a standing dropkick to the face! What agility for a big man! Williams on the attack now, grape-vining a leg and really starting to work the knee. Looks like he's trying to outwrestle Jack and wear him down by picking on a body part. OBJ tries to power out again, but LD cuts that off with an extra sharp wrench of the knee. He torques it up another notch, forcing Jack to go to the ropes, then hangs on until the ref's count reaches 4.99999. OBJ gingerly regains his feet, flexing his knee to try and ease the pain. The two men close again. Williams looks for a leg lock but Jack cuts that off with a double axe-handle and then a pair of big right hands, complete with foot stomps for extra impact. LD immediately goes into the ropes to get some distance, his eyes a little glassy: looks like those punches compounded the damage from Sunday night's Halliburtoning. Jack on the offensive now, trying to overpower Williams. LD ducks and weaves, throwing the occasional strike to keep OBJ at arm's length. Twice more he goes to the ropes to force a break. Finally his luck runs out and Jack cinches in a bear hug, straining those battered ribs still further and depriving LD of his oxygen. Williams is a fighter, though. He manages to worm one arm free. A poke to the eyes changes the momentum and now it is LD on the attack, going after OBJ's knee like a shark. OBJ gets a couple of strikes in, rousing cheers from the crowd each time, but LD cuts off every attempted rally with another blow to the knee. Realizing that the match is slipping away, Jack lets out a huge roar and unleashes a massive clothesline that turns Williams inside out! Or it would have done, if LD hadn't ducked. OBJ overbalances, his knee giving out, and Williams steps smoothly into an STF~! LD really torques it in, working both the knee and the neck. OBJ fights it, but starts to fade ... and then his desperately clawing hands just manage to hook the bottom rope. Williams rolls off and slams his first on the mat in frustration. Back to his feet, and he comes in for another STF. Jack's ready for it though: Small Package! 1 ... 2 ... NO! Williams kicks out! LD scuttles across the ring and glares at OBJ, who grins and taps the side of his head as he slowly regains his feet. Both men in cautiously. Greco-Roman knuckle lock. Test of strength ... HEADBUTTS FROM OBJ~! Williams tries to break free and cover up, but Jack won't release the hold! LD starts to sag from the impacts to his injured skull, but finally he staggers into the official, knocking him momentarily out of position. Williams seizes the opportunity: STIFF KICK TO THE OUTBACK JEWELS! Jack finally loosens the knuckle lock. Williams hooks the head in preparation for a DDT, but with a scream of rage and pain OBJ powers him into the air! Sit Out Facebuster~! Jack hooks both legs and the woozy, possibly concussed LD can't kick out until half a second too late. WINNER IN 14:44 – OUTBACK JACK! THE HEROES GUILD vs. STANK, MOOSEHEAD JACK & SPIN HANSENStank, Spin and Moose come to the ring, Stank and Spin receive decidedly mixed reactions, Moose is booed as always. The Heroes Guild is announced next and all three men come out to the top of the ramp and stand and hold their titles high in the air. The Heroes come to the ring while Stank and Spin seethe in the center of the ring, Moose slumps in the corner and snarls. The Heroes get into the ring and once again hold their titles high for everyone to see, which prompts Stank and Spin to attack. Stank grabs Crete and clotheslines him to the mat, Spin goes after Firechild kicking him low and shoving him into the corner. Nayr tries to grab Spin and pull him off, but Spin catches him with an elbow to the jaw. As Nayr hits the mat, Moose slithers out of the ring, grabs Nayr’s leg and pulls him to the floor. Moose pulls Nayr to his feet and sends him hard into the stairs. Nayr hits knee first and crumples to the floor in pain. Inside the ring, mounts Crete and pummels him with shots to the face, Spin keeps Firechild in the corner and hammers him with clubbing shots to the back of the head and ribs. Stank gets up off of Concrete and he and Spin whip Firechild to the ropes and hit a double hot shot that sends Firechild to the outside, where Moose is waiting to run him head first into the announce table. Inside, Stank pulls Crete to his feet and he and Spin nearly kill Crete with a powerbomb/neck breaker combo. Nayr gets to his feet, but Moose levels him with a clothesline. Spin leaves the ring and grabs Firechild and plants him on the floor with a scoop slam. Inside the ring, Stank grabs Crete by the arm and pulls him to his feet, and right into a short clothesline. Moose gets up to the apron and reaches out and Stank tags Jack in, Moose comes in, kicks Crete and plants him on the mat with a DDT. Moose sits on the mat next to Crete for a moment, then reaches back up and tags Stank back into the ring. Moose gets to his feet and charges across the ring and nails Nary as he gets on the apron. Outside, Spin has Firechild pinned between the stairs and the ring and hammers him with shots to the head until Firechild is a bloody mess. Moose motions to Spin, and Spin hops on the apron. Stank grabs Concrete and sends him to the ropes and lifts Crete for a press slam, drops him on his shoulder, and slams him to the mat. Stank reaches out and tags Spin in, Spin waits for Crete to get to his hands and knees and runs across the ring and catches him with a kick to the mouth. On the outside, and behind the referee’s back, Moose has a chair and uses it to choke a barely conscious Firechild. Inside, Stank pulls Crete up and sends him into his corner chest first, as if hitting chest first isn’t bad enough, Spin adds a forearm shiver to make it worse. Stank tags Spin in and he pulls Crete out of the corner and scoops him for a slam, and as he does, he clips referee Angel Barros! Barros falls to the mat, and rolls out of the ring, out cold. Spin plants Crete and climbs to the top rope and tries a moonsault, but Crete moves at the last second. Both men are down and Crete crawls to his corner, where Nayr has finally made it to the apron. As Crete is about to make the tag, referee Sterling Glaw races to the ring and slides under the bottom rope and watches intently as Crete tags in Nayr, just as Spin gets to his feet. Nayr leaps to the top rope and connects with a flying enzuguri to the back of Spin’s head, then runs across the ring and connects with a low drop kick to Stank’s knee that drops him off the apron. Moose drops the chair and slides into the ring, but as he does, Nayr spring boards over the ropes and drops a leg across the back of Moose’s head. Nayr gets back to his feet and charges at Spin, but Spin catches him, goozles him, and drops him in a chokeslam across his knee, holds him there, and lets Moose come off the ropes and drive an elbow into Nayr’s throat. The double team brings Crete back into the ring, but he is quickly met by Stank, and the two men tumble between the ropes to the floor where they brawl around ringside. Stank slams Crete into the ring post, opening a huge gash on Crete’s forehead. Inside the ring, Nayr slowly gets to his feet and gets cut in half by Spin and Moose. While Spin argues with the referee, Moose pulls a chain out of his pocket and hammers at Nayr’s head, leaving him a bloody mess too. Moose hides the chain and gets to his feet, Spin pulls Nayr to his feet and clotheslines him to the mat. Meanwhile, Firechild has come back into the ring, with the chair, Firechild sees Moose standing there and swings for the fences, but Moose sees it at the last second and moves out of the way. Just as Firechild is swinging Spin turns around and catches the chair right between the eyes. Moose grabs Firechild and lands a heart punch that sends Firechild between the ropes, Moose follows and they fight along with Stank and Crete on the outside. Inside, Spin wobbles a bit and Glaw watches him to see if he is going to fall, Nayr rolls a dazed Spin up from behind and gets the three count just before Spin kicks out. WINNERS in 28:08 – The Heroes Guild After the match, Stank rolls Crete back into the ring and Moose rolls Firechild into the ring. Stank pulls Crete to his feet and hits the Stank-U! Moose pulls Firechild to his feet, then whips him toward Spin, Spin catches him with a brutal SPINEBUSTER! Nayr tries to attack Spin, but Moose spins him around and DROPS him with a heart punch. Firechild is struggling to get to his feet again, so Spin ends that by grabbing the chair and slamming it across Firechild’s face, sending him to the mat in a heap. Crete starts to stir, but Stank ends that with a kick to the chops. Moose leaves and comes back with the title belts, he hands the world title to Stank and the Intercontinental title to Spin, both men take a moment to look at the titles before joining Moose in draping the belts over the prone bodies of their owners. Drink & Destroy leave the ring and head to the back to the boos to the crowd. Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Judgment Eve II Pay Per View! Live! From Ocho Rios Jamaica! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem, Live! August 8th, Live From Villa Elisa, Dominican Republic!
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This has been an OOWF production, produced by the LD-Tar-Jack-Fire-Crete-Ryan-Cap-Loki Production Company in accordance with Ecosystem Ltd. |
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