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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:44:28 GMT -5
<We cut to the back where we see Stank storming toward GM the Rick's office, Spin trailing behind him>
SH: Look Stank, I know you are pissed, but is beating the hell out of GM the Rick really going to help?
Sta: I will make me feel a whole lot better. I am sick of this shit! Some Heroes they are, they have Glaw in his pocket and Rick won't do a damn thing about it.
SH:<catching up and stopping Stank> LOOK, we all got screwed by Glaw, you know damn well he is in the Heroes pocket, but you hit Rick, and we can forget about EVER getting title shots again. and anyway, look at the lineup
<Stank stops raging for a minute and looks at the lineup, and it does nothing to calm his rage>
Sta: So? What the hell does that mean? I get another shot at Crete. So Glaw can just screw me over and give Crete the win with some bogus DQ or something, no, fuck that, I am going to go beat some sense into our GM
<Just then the door opens and Moose walks out of the office with a piece of paper in his hand. He stands in front of the door blocking Stank from going in>
Sta: Moose, get the fuck out of the way, I am in no mood for this shit
MHJ: Something on your mind Stank?
Sta: Yeah, I am TIRED of getting screwed over by those Hero idiots! They have Glaw in their pocket, and I am beginning to wonder if they don't have Rick there too! This is bullshit and I am not going to take this anymore. So, Moose, move.
MHJ: Stank, you need to stop, take a deep breath, and calm down. Do some light reading, it will help calm your anger.
<Moose pins the piece of paper in his hand on the door>
Trust me
<Moose leaves and Stank looks at the paper>
OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match - Moosehead Jack Special Referee[/u]
Concrete TG vs. Stank
<Stank gets an evil grin on his face, turns and walks away laughing>
*******************************
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Port Au Prince, Haiti
OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match - Moosehead Jack Special Guest Referee[/u]
Concrete TG vs. Stank
OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Firechild vs. Spin Hansen
OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
The Chickenshit Heels vs. Defenestrators
OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Nayr vs. Knife
2 Out of 3 Falls Match[/u]
Capellan & Viper vs. Phantos & Lucios
Hardbody Harris & Davin Moreland vs. UnderDawg & F. Fonzworth Cappington III
JW Westgaard vs. Outback Jack vs. LD Williams
Los Defenestrators vs. Apocalyptic Bastards
card subject to a moment of clarity
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:45:10 GMT -5
Knife: So.
Kenji: So.
Knife: [Puts hands behind his back and whistles] What do the docs think?
Kenji: I will be out for awhile. There is damage to my back from AE that is not healing. Adding to that the knee injury and my chances for success in the ring are small.
Knife: How small?
Kenji: [thinks for a moment] About the size of Phantos & Lucios’ penises.
Knife: Huh. [does a double take] Wait a minute! Did you just make a joke? You? Somebody stop the world – Kenji made a JOKE!
Kenji: it was the injury talking.
Knife: [chuckles] Now I’ve seen it all. So, what are your plans?
Kenji: Rest, and then come back. You?
Knife: Dunno. The Wiccan thing was a dud. And I do need a gimmick. And laid back surfer dude guy has been done to death. Going to battle Nayr this week.
Kenji: Well then. Good luck.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:45:30 GMT -5
Outside the Rick's office, Phantos is skimming the lineup for this week's edition of Midweek Mayhem)
P: Sweet, we get a real team this week.
(Phantos knocks on the door before entering. Finding noone inside, he pokes around on Rick's desk, and picks up a plain manilla folder. Phantos reads the contents for a moment and breaks into a huge smile)
P: This could come in handy,
(Phantos tucks the folder under his arm and strolls out of the office)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:46:05 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland is SAUNTERING toward the "Official GM the Rick's Midweek Mayhem Lineup Paper Door brought to you by Ric's Sandwich Shoppe". He reads down the page, giggles a little when he sees the title match, and goes down until he sees his tag match, broadly gesturing an eyeroll, some disappointment, some anger, and a big deep breath before knocking on the door*
GMtR: WHAT?
DM: Hey boss, just me.
GMtR: And what do you want exactly?
DM: Boss, about this match...
GMtR: Blah blah blah...About this match...whaa whaa whaa...can't you people just wrestle who and how I tell you too? I'm the General Manager! I'LL MANAGE HOW I WANT TO MANAGE!!!!!
DM: Did you seriously just channel Billy Martin in "The Bronx is Burning"?
GMtR: *composes himself* No. I hate the Yankees. I would never watch such a program.
DM: Yeah, um...Me either.
*both look around for a second for ninja cameramen, but since they are NINJAS they cannot be seen*
DM: Anyway boss, about this match...
GMtR: 30 seconds, potsie. And why do you always talk to ME about your matches?
DM: Well, one, you're the GM, and supposedly you book the shows...
*Kayfabe screams in the background*
DM: And, well, I can't always talk to Ric, because, well, he taglines and blades...tough to get a promo out of that. And I don't really talk to anyone else...
GMtR: Very sad story. 20 seconds.
DM: Ok, fine, here it is. It was bad enough I had to wrestle a superstar like Stank with those gay Onslaught Rules, and it was bad enough you had me on Team Hardbody during the Lazy Booking Invitational, but now I'm TAGGING with Harris? You do realize I sent him bees a couple weeks ago...
GMtR: *checks watch* 12 seconds.
DM: Ok, here it is then. Are you trying to emasculate me? Seriously. If you tell me I have to wear a cape or something soon, I just might lose it. Those toolish Heroes Guild-ers are bad enough, but Harris? With that damned mouse? He's a bigger tool than ANYTHING they have at Home Depot.
*somewhere, a rimshot occurs*
GMtR: Well, what do you want me to do potsie? You're not feuding with anyone, since Cole basically, pardon the analogy, pulled a Moreland, and you don't exactly have the cache to pull off a title push. So basically, do what I tell you to do for now, until we can cook something else up for you to do. Trust me.
*Kayfabe stumbles in the door, pointing to his gushing carotid artery, and then passes out on the floor*
DM: But Harris, Boss? Pink Lemonade and that mouse...That's a fate worse than death!
*Both look at the floor toward poor Kayfabe, and say a silent prayer*
GMtR: Listen, I'm in no mood for your asshattery. I have Moosehead Jack in here playing Jedi mindtricks on me, getting him to be the Special Guest Referee in the Title Match at Midweek Mayhem in Port au Prince, Haiti...
*Crowd pops in Haiti*
GMtR: And now I have stuff missing from my desk. And then YOU potsie, come in here and whine about something. I can't win. All this is really sand...
DM: *interrupts* No, please don't....
GMtR: Hey listen, if you can have your stupid catchphrase, I can have mine...SANDIFYING MY VAGINA! Now, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!
*Moreland gets up and leaves, and hears the Righteous Brothers blaring from inside Hardbody Harris' locker room. He takes a deep breath, and pushes the door open, making his way inside. He sees Fievel, hooked up to a tiny ICU bed, with a tiny heart monitor, and his tiny leg casted up and in tiny traction. He is awake however, laughing and drinking Pink Lemonade out of a tiny Sippy Cup. Harris turns toward the door and notices Moreland*
HH: Hey, Davin! Tagbuddy! Looks like Team Hardbody is back in business! Want a Pink Lemonade?
F: It's weewy good.
DM: *involuntarily starts to twitch* Umm, no. Listen, we need to talk strategy about UnderDawg and Cappington, those two are a couple of bad....
HH: Strategy, Smrategy. I'm the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF! We don't need strategy. We just need MORE HARDBODY!
F: That's wight.
*Harris and Fievel high five each other, and both smile and stare at Moreland, posing in 80's TV sitcom opening montage style*
DM: No, seriously guys. UnderDawg is as tough as they come, and Cappington? Cappington is just a big, mean dude...We need to...
HH: Cappington, Schmappington. UnderDawg, SchmunderDawg. We don't need to do anything. Don't you understand? I'm the #1 FACE in the OOWF! I don't need any of this schmrategy you're talking about. The fans LOVE ME! And they'll love you too, simply from my REFLECTED GLORY!
F: That's wight. Wefwected Gwowy!
DM: *eye starts to twitch*
HH: Have a seat. Have some Pink Lemonade! We're gonna play Uno in a minute. Let's have some fun!
F: Yeah!
DM: *quietly* Life was better when I was talking to a pole...Actually, I kinda wish I had a pole right now...someone could use some smashing...
HH: What was that?
DM: Oh, nothing...Nothing Harris.
*Moreland sits on a bench away from the impending Uno Tournament, both seething and wallowing in depression at the same time. And, he's pissed he hasn't kicked anyone's ass yet this week before Midweek Mayhem*
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:46:44 GMT -5
<We cut to the back where we see Russ sitting with Moosehead Jack in one of those fancy sit down interviews> Russ: I am sitting here with OOWF wrestler Moosehead Jack. Moose, thanks for taking the time to answer some questions for us today, I guess the first question I have is what is next for you? You lost the Intercontinental title, and don’t seem to be very bothered by it. MHJ: Russ, I have said this before, I am motivated by things that are a bit different than most. People like Firechild and Concrete TG are motivated by the desire to hold gold, to be respected and liked. I don’t care about that. All I care about is pain and misery. The Intercontinental title was convenient because it brought fresh victims to me every night. That’s all there was to that. As far as losing the title, should I decide I wanted it back, Firechild’s reign would be a short one. Russ: You mentioned Concrete TG, you seem to have a pathological hatred of him, why? MHJ:<pausing for a moment> You know, Concrete is fond of saying I am the very embodiment of all that is wrong, not only in wrestling, but in life as well. What Crete doesn’t understand is that under that false Hero façade, we are the same. Crete will go to any lengths to uphold what he believes are the proper values for a hero. Don’t believe me? Look at him recently. He has been relying on Sterling Glaw to save his ass. Why? Because in his sick mind, he equates being the champion with being the most righteous and pure. In his sick mind, that title, him holding that title, justifies his warped sense of right and wrong. In his eyes, it is fine to take a chair to my head, or use referee bias, or get cheap disqualification wins if it means keeping that title, because keeping that title means he is right. Well Crete, I am on to your game. I have said it before, and I will say it again, you are no different than me. Russ: Well I wouldn’t say NO different….. MHJ: Really Russ? Let me ask you this. Do you think I would send hired goons to attack an opponent before a match? Russ: Well, yeah that sounds like…. MHJ: Would I repeatedly save my title through nefarious means? Russ: I suppose so, yes MHJ: Would I surround myself with people who I have convinced to help me protect my title? Russ: I see what you are saying, but you have no proof that Crete was behind your attack before the GM the Rick Lazy Booking Invitational MHJ: Really? Russ, you know as well as anyone else that Crete would rather ANYONE else in the OOWF won that Invitational. See, I know Crete’s weaknesses. I spent a year fighting him to the death, then I spent months teaming with him. We know each other better than any two wrestlers in the OOWF. See Crete was content with the way things were. When he was chasing the world title, I was part of the most feared team in the history of the OOWF with LD Williams. When he won the title, I won the Intercontinental title and I had my plate full. But now? Now, Crete, it’s time to renew hostilities. He knew this day was coming, and he knew that if I had the Purposely Vague Promise from GM the Rick, he knew I would use it to destroy him. Russ: So you believe Crete hired men to attack you so you couldn’t compete. MHJ: I don’t just believe it, I know it. Crete, a bit of advice, when you pay people to do your dirty work, pay them to injure and not talk. Russ: You have aligned yourself with some strange teammates in Stank and Spin Hansen, is this a permanent thing, or will you go your separate ways once you win the title? MHJ: Look Russ, my arrangement with Stank and Spin is one of convenience and mutual hatred of a common enemy. Its that simple. They don’t completely trust me, and I don’t completely trust them. There is only one man in this company that I completely trust, and now that he has lost some unnecessary baggage, I hope like hell he turns his attention to Crete as well. Russ: What people want to know is why are you not going after Concrete right now? You are encouraging Stank to go after Crete, and Spin to chase your old nemesis Firechild, why are you passing up your shots? MHJ: Russ, it all comes down to this, I don’t care if I am the one to take the title from Crete. Sure, it would be nice, but that is what he expects. He is waiting for me to come after him, so he is on the defensive. Right now is not the time to strike, he has Stank, Westgaard and a host of others looking for a shot. When the time is right, I will get involved. Whether it is a one on one match or me backing the horse that will end him, and break him, that remains to be seen. Russ: Some people think that at next week’s MidWeek Mayhem you will cost Crete the title. How did you get to be the referee? Did you cash in your promise from Rick? MHJ: While it is tempting to beat Crete by serving him some of his own medicine, I don’t think that would be enough. Once again, Crete expects that. He expects me to call a completely one sided match. Will I? Well, we will find that out on Wednesday. How would it look, Crete, if I DID call it right down the middle. You would be the one with the crooked referee on your side. Some hero you are. Russ: One final question Moose, we are coming up on the three year anniversary of the OOWF, where do you hope to see your self in one year, approaching the four year anniversary. MHJ: That’s easy. I hope to see myself soaked in the blood of the Heroes, their broken and battered bodies strewn around the ring. I hope to see all the gold they hold so precious and dear to be around the waists of others. And I will be the one responsible for it all. Trust me |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:47:32 GMT -5
(Ecosystem is putting a tape into a hotel television when Voltage comes in.)
Voltage: Dude, Cappington just gave me our schedule for this week, and we're not in it.
Eco: Eh? I'm sure we are. Let me see. (Voltage hands him the schedule.) Here we are.
Voltage: Oh...wait, we're NOT at the bottom?
Eco: Nope. We have a tag title match!
Voltage: Who gave us a tag title match?!
Eco: Well, we kind of rocked it last week. Remember our match?
Voltage: ...No?
Eco: You must have been riding on adrenaline. Watch the tape. (Eco hits play on the VCR.)
Voltage: Wow.
Eco: I know.
Voltage: We are AWESOME.
Eco: Yes sir. Want to go get some food?
Voltage: I don't have any money.
Eco: Want to bum some money off of Cappington and get some food?
Voltage: Oh. Yes.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:47:52 GMT -5
(Phantos walks into his dressing room. Lucios is watching The Defenstrators. Capellan & Viper match from last week.)
P: Good, they are our opponents for this week.
L: Defensetrators? I figured Rick would put them in a title match tonight.
P: They are. We get Cap & Vip.
L: AWESOME! Nice little step up for us. We better watch a lot of tape this week.
P: Not only that, look what I found in Rick’s office
(Phantos shows Lucios the manila folder’s contents.)
L: That’s all he makes? For someone as big a name as he is, I would have expected more
P: The best part is, he hasn’t signed the extension yet.
L: That has possibilities, man.
(fade to black)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:48:28 GMT -5
SFJ#69 (the best one) catches up with Firechild as he finishes his workout in the Heroes Guild purpose built gym/gaming centre.
SFJ#69- Firechild, do you have any comments before your Intercontinental Title defense against Spin Hansen at Mayhem?
FC- Well, Spin's a tough competitor and I think he's got more wins on me than I have on him, so I know I'm gonna be up against it, but I'm sure that with the fans, and the knowledge that I'm fighting for right on my side, not to mention a whole lotta guts I'll walk out of Mayhem still the OOWF Intercontinental Champion.
SFJ#69- Tough, yet respectful words there Firechild. But how do you respond to accusations of corruption within the Heroes Guild, best personified by your associate Sterling Glaw disqualifying you when JW Westgaard seemed to have the upper hand last week?
FC- What can I say? Well, Sterling is a stickler for the rules, and thats why he's Concrete's, and my mentor here in the Heroes Guild. He can't abide ANY infraction of the laws of fair play, and when I caught him with my elbow, under the strict interpretation of the law, he had to DQ me for bodily contact with a match official.
SFJ#69 - But some might say he was looking out for you and your title?
FC- By costing me the match? That's funny logic, little lady.
SFJ#69 - Yes, but a DQ saves your title, and surely Glaw, as an associate of your faction has a vested interest in you maintaining hold of your gold?
Firechild is increasingly agitated at the line of questioning ans this time answers with genuine venom in his voice.
FC- Listen here you muckraking slag, Sterling Glaw is an official of unimpeachable reputation and a moral fibre stronger than anything your vile kind can conceive of. If he chose to DQ me, it was because the rules dicated it be so. The Heroes Guild exists to protect the fans of the OOWF, and those athletes who wish to compete in fairness and genuine competition from those who seek to use debased and underhanded means to prosper...
SFJ#69- Like those you yourself used in the 3 Piece Set?
The frustration on Firechild's face is clearly telling, as he is interrupted and he rounds on the reporter and gets right in her face, almost screaming.
FC- ... and ungrateful worms like YOU seek to mukrake and detract from our glorious acheivment in not only taking on but defeating the scum that had held sway here in the OOWF. Frankly I am sickened and disgusted by the lack of support or gratitude shown to us by yourselves, not to mention the fans who continue to bay for blood. I tell you this, I am getting tired of this, trying to be a role model for idiots who just want the next injury, or the next big story, so if it's visciousness you want, then it's visciousness you'll get and believe me, with the right on my side, and a fire in my heart I WILL show Drink & Destroy, all of our detractors and every parasitic bitch like yourself what it means to burn........
Firechild spits the last words into her face, and the reporter breaks down in tears and Firechild stalks away, swinging the IC title over his shoulder.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:48:58 GMT -5
<We cut to the back where we see Russ sitting with Stank.>
Russ: We will be talking to the World Heavyweight champion later on in our broadcast. Right now, I am sitting here with OOWF wrestler and the number one contender to the World title Stank. Stank, thanks for joining us today.
Stank - Thanks for having me.
Russ - First I want to ask you, you've been much adored by all the fans here in the OOWF as part of Drink & Destroy. Now you find yourself facing perennial fan favorite, the World Heavyweight Champion, "Concrete" Takaken Gryfon. It seems most of the fans have turned on you. Are you bothered by this?
Stank - The fans... The fans cheer and boo who they want. If they can't see Concrete, and by extension the Heroes Guild for who and WHAT they are, then let them wallow in their ignorance. The fans reactions to me may have changed, but I haven't changed a damn bit. I'm not about to start now, for the sake of cheers. The fans aren't part of my bottom line.
Russ - Which is...?
Stank - The total destruction of the Heroes Guild.
Russ - Okay, for those who may be wondering, what exactly is your issue with the Heroes Guild.
Stank - *Sigh* They're two-faced, not your garden variety hypocrites either. Lots of people say one thing, then do another. I understand that. But THESE guys... these guys take it to a whole other level. Look, there are guys here that I like, like Spin Hansen, Outback Jack, even my old partner Cappington as weird as he's been acting lately. Then you have guys I'm not very fond of... your Chickenshit Heels, your Coles, and even your Moosehead Jacks. But AT LEAST I KNOW where they stand. THEY don't pretend to be anything other than what they are. THEY don't try to force THEIR fucked up, psuedo values onto others then swing from Glaw's nuts so they can selfishly hold onto gold. I'm going to come right out and say this. I WANT to be World Champion. I desire to hold onto that belt. If Concrete TG weren't World champ. I'd be taking the belt from WHOEVER was champ. It just so happens that Crete is it. My desire to hold gold and my desire to see the Heroes fall happen to coincide.
There. That's my agenda. I fight here in the OOWF because I'm good at it. I want the belt because it proves that I'm the BEST.
Russ - So does that make Crete the best?
Stank - Hell no. That's why it needs to be removed from around his waist. He's NOT the best. Maybe when he took it from Dawg you had an argument, but after his actions against, first Ax-Man, then Spin and myself... It was clear Crete was no longer fit to wear the big strap.
Russ - But aren't you just trying to justify why members of Drink & Destroy LOST their World Title matches against Crete?
Stank - Russ, we didn't lose. Who was the ref for all those matches?
Russ - Sterling Glaw.
Stank - Need I say more?
Russ - Well now Moosehead Jack is the special guest referee for your next title shot. You say you're not fond of him yet the two of you...
Stank - We have a mutual enemy.
Russ - I understand that, but don't you think your complaint about Glaw, Concrete could say the same about Moosehead Jack? Jack eluded earlier that he might call the match down the middle just to spite Crete. Then again he might let his own issues with the Champ cloud his judgment...
Stank - Moose knows, as well as I do, that I don't NEED him to do me any special favors to BEAT Crete. Quite frankly I hope he does call a fair match. If he ends up calling it in my favor... so be it.
Russ - Now wait just a minute. Isn't THAT hypocritical?
Stank - Hell no. I'm telling you RIGHT here, RIGHT now in front of these cameras that I will do WHATEVER it takes to win.
Russ - I don't get it.
Stank - Look, when someone takes advantage of the rules, or chooses to bend, or break them... that's fine. But when you do so and act like you didn't do anything wrong... when the rules are following you rather than you following the rules... and THEN you DELUDE yourself into thinking your actions are just and righteous, and on top of that you chastise others for doing the same... fuck that! I've been screwed over a number of times here in the OOWF. When that happened, I was simply outplayed. Those losses were bitter, but I had to swallow them. Given Glaw's association with Guild, I'm not being outplayed... I'm not even given a chance to compete. So... if Moose screws over Crete... it will be just a taste of what his reign has been all about.
The way I see it... I'm due. If you don't like it, tough. If the fans don't like it, tough. CRETE KNOW THIS... the man who is going to BEAT you for the World Title... his name is not Moosehead Jack, it's Lucas Mann... Stank. After I take your title, Drink & Destroy and Mooseheadd Jack are going to END the Guild once and for all.
<Camera fades>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:51:04 GMT -5
(Phantos is reading through a thesaurus and has a notepad beside him)
P: (to no one imparticular) .... Combination. Maybe something that rhymes with that. Domination. Temptation. Sensation. Devastation. Devastation Combination. Oooh, I like that one. (writes it down) Maybe something with our initials P & L... Profit & Loss. (laughs) Maybe if we got Ted Dibiase or Mike Rotunda to manage us. P & L ... Power & Lightning. No. (flips a few pages) Demons. Gargoyles. Angels. Nah. maybe something dark.... Dark Angels? Hmmm.. maybe (writes it down)
(Lucios walks in and sees what Phantos is doing)
L: Man, I told you, let the team name thing go. Let's hit the gym, I want to work on my dropkick so we can add that Double Dropkick finisher.
(fade to black)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:52:03 GMT -5
<Moose is walking down the hall angry about something. As he walks by the janitors closet he hears something> PSSSSSST.........PSSSST Moose, come here! MHJ: The fuck? PSSST Moose, c'mere <Moose walks into the janitor's closet to find Davin Moreland> MHJ: What? DM: I need some advice MHJ: What? DM: Look, I am teaming with Harris against Dawg and Cappington this week MHJ: Yeah, so? DM: How do I put this nicely......Harris is crazier than I ever was MHJ: Yeah, and? DM: Look, I did the crazy thing, I am trying to get taken seriously. How are people going to take me serious when I team with a guy who passes out face/heel wristbands, talks to a cartoon mouse, drinks pink lemonade and, from what I hear, is rebuilding some tree house? MHJ: Simple DM: What? MHJ: win DM: Just like that? MHJ: What more do you want? You already beat Dawg once, and you are just as big as Cappington. And why the hell are you talking to me anyway? DM: I hear you are the guy who runs things around here MHJ: Who told you that? DM: Voltage MHJ: Sonofabitch, I am gonna murder him <Jack leaves> DM: Wait! Oh hell, does that make me more of a face or more of a heel? <A gentleman in a suit walks in> GIAS: Mr. Moreland, were you talking to that mop? DM: Well, no, I was just sort of talking and the mop is right there GIAS: Nevertheless I have a cease and desist order from my client Perry Saturn for gimmick infringement. In the future we ask you to direct your conversations with inanimate objects to something other than mops. <GIAS leaves> DM: DAMMIT! I AM NOT DOING THE GIMMICK WHERE I TALK TO THINGS ANYMORE!!! <turning to the Invisible Ninja Cameraman> People are going to think I am crazy! Again! Wait, you are an invisible ninja cameraman! That means no one can see you either! I need to get out of here <Moreland kicks the door open and leaves, the camera pans around the door and we see Voltage slumped on the floor after getting hit by the door, Ecosystem is trying to pull him to his feet> Eco: Seriously, now is NOT the time for naps, Moose is PISSED and he is going to kill you <in the distance we hear Moose - VOLTAGE WHAT THE HELL HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BREAKING KAYFABE> Eco: Seriously, LET'S GO! <Eco grabs Voltage's arms and drags him into the janitor's closet and slams the door just as Moose rounds the corner> |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:52:25 GMT -5
(Los Defenstratores are chilling out on hammocks stolen from Carlito.)
Ecosistema: Luchamos los bastardos apocalipticos la semana pasada, no? (We wrestled the Apocalyptic Bastards last week, yes?)
Voltaje: Si. (Yes.)
Ecosistema: Y ganamos, si? (And we won, yes?)
Voltaje: Si. (Yes.)
Ecosistema: Solo estoy chequeando. (I'm just checking.)
(Australian Prime Minister John Howard shows up.)
Howard: Excuse me, boys, but are you two the Defenstrators?
Ecosistema: No, somos Los Defenstratores.
Howard: Somos?
Voltaje: No habla Espanol?
Howard: No...I'm Australian, not American.
Ecosistema: Ah. El...the Defenstrators...estan...down the hallway.
Howard: Thanks.
(John Howard walks down the hallway and opens the door to the janitor's closet. Ecosystem and Voltage fall out.)
Voltage: John Howard!?
Ecosystem: Um...who?
<Moosehead Jack shows up.>
MHJ: There you are, Voltage. <Moose grabs Volt's throat.>
Howard: Hold on, he's with me.
MHJ: And you are?
Howard: The Prime Minister of Australia.
MHJ: No, you're not. The Prime Minister of Australia is...
<Long pause.>
MHJ: Um...Eco?
Eco: It could very well be him.
MHJ: All right. I'll let you go this time. (MHJ releases Voltage.)
Voltage: Thanks, John. I'm still not voting for you.
Howard: Well, see gentlemen, that's the problem. No one is. I need your help.
Eco: No can do, sir.
Howard: I'm Liberal Party.
Eco: No can do, sir.
Howard: It's kind of like the Republican Party.
Eco: How can I help?
Voltage: Me too! I like parties! Even if no one likes you in Australia, we can invite foreigners!
Howard: Well, I hear that a certain Mr. Cappington has been buying you title matches.
Eco: PERISH THE THOUGHT!
Voltage: I thought he was.
Eco: Oh. Okay.
Howard: I can imagine that might cost the man a bit of money--money I could use. Without money, I may become the first Prime Minister of Australia to lose my seat.
Eco: ...So you want us to hit up Cappington for money.
Voltage: And why should we do that?
Howard: A stable political situation in Australia?
Defenstrators: YAWN.
Howard: Lower taxes and sensible business policy?
Defenstrators: YAWN.
Howard: I have a funny voice?
Ecosystem: Ooh, that's true, he does.
(Outback Jack walks in with an Emu Export bottle.)
OBJ: G'day mates.
Voltage: Whoa! Outback Jack! Why are you drinking Emu Export?!
OBJ: All I can afford now that John Howard's new IR laws took away my medical benefits. If I ever see that bloke, I'm going to rip his throat out.
(Silence.)
Howard: Well, I best be going.
(John Howard runs away.)
OBJ: That bloke looked familiar.
Eco: I already forgot his name.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:54:18 GMT -5
[Shot opens to Attitude Adjusted eating a sandwich. Shot slowly fades out to Johnny Adrenaline also eating a sandwich, and the tag team champions appear to be at an airport somewhere waiting for their luggage.] JA: You sure he’s gonna be here? AA: Absolutely. LAX, Monday moring. Was gonna have everything drawn up and ready to go. JA: We gonna catch a limo from here over to the set? AA: I think so. He works with all the big stars, so I’m sure it won’t be a problem. JA: Well, that’s what we are, right?
MAM: Alan! Johnny!
AA: Mr. Jeffcoat?
MAM: Yes sir! Gary Jeffcoat! A pleasure to meet you guys. Congratulations on your big win a few weeks ago.
JA: Thank you. Can uh, we get this going? I got a late tee time out at Pebble Beach.
MAM: The National Association of Sandwich Appreciation has been looking for a face to put with their cause since our inception in 1981. I came across you guys’ television show a few months back, and after seeing what dedication you have for the art of sandwich-making, I knew you were the chosen ones.
JA: I thought Jeff Jarrett was the Chosen One.
AA: Shut up.
MAM: As you both probably know, August is National Sandwich Month. Would you gentlemen be interested in doing a television comm….
AA: YES!
JA: Sure we would. You got a limo ready for us.
MAM: In fact, I do. If you’ll just…
[The middle aged man’s attention drifts beyond TCH to a figure behind them in the airport.]
AA: What?
MAM: Is… is that Jimmy Fallon?
JA: Who?
MAM: The guy from SNL.
AA: You mean Bill Murray?
MAM: And he’s… HE’S EATING A SANDWICH! JIMMY! JIMMY!
[The middle aged man takes off after Jimmy Fallon, leaving Johnny and AA all alone in the middle of the airport.]
JA: What the hell was that shit?
AA: Uh….
JA: I thought you said he dealt with stars. I know stars, and that little scrawny shit wasn’t no star.
AA: Well son of a bitch!
JA: Maybe I can bump my tee time up.
AA: Maybe I can catch a flight to Vegas. You got the over/under on the preseason game tonight?
JA: I thought it was called the FREEseason.
AA: Come on, you know I’m 24/7/365. Besides, with that payout from the Nigerians coming soon, I’m rolling in it.
JA: Well I guess…
[Somebody taps both Johnny and AA on the shoulders. TCH turns around to find Bill Apter.]
![]() www.wrestling-caricatures.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/billapter2.jpg[/img] BA: Johnny Adrenaline, Alan Capps… Bill Apter. AA: THE Bill Apter? JA: No, the hockey player guy. Who do you think? BA: I’ve been after you guys for months now. You guys tour in weird spots, ya know that? JA: Well, yeah, we…. BA: Would you boys be interested in a sitdown interview? JA: Well, we DO have some time to kill. AA: Absolutely. BA: There’s a seating area over there. [Apter and TCH walk over to the waiting area and take seats.] AA: Ya know, Bill, me and Johnny are huge fans. We have all your magazines. JA: In fact, we came across something a few months back that said your magazines were one part of cutting the ULTIMATE PROMO! BA: I remember writing that myself. AA: Isn’t that kinda putting yourself over? BA: Isn’t that what your promos do? AA: Well, yeah. BA: Well there ya go. AA: Let’s cut a promo for Bill, Johnny. JA: Okay. BA: Right here in the airport, that would be awesome! [Johnny digs thru his carry on bag.] JA: It’s in my big bag. AA: Huh? JA: The ONE TRUE MICROPHONE! It’s in my suitcase. AA: Shit. Sorry, Bill. No can do. BA: Well, that’s no problem guys. What was it like to win the tag team titles in such a devastating match such as the Ultimate Punjabi X Triple Scaffold Weapons on a Pole Prison Match? JA: Well it was nice for once to see that the bookers were gonna put the belts on… BA: No, no, no. Guys, work with me here. A little kayfabe, perhaps? JA: Oh, sorry. AA: It was brutal, Bill, it really was. I mean, end of the match, I take the Canadian Death Sentence on a chair or something. Good thing Dragon tucked my head good and away when he…. BA: Alan… kayfabe, please. JA: It was a tough match and we prevailed cause we were the best team. BA: [writing] Great. What do you think about Capellan & Viper? They gave you guys a hell of a test in that match, as well, and appear to be lining up as the top contenders to your belts. AA: Capellan’s great. His work with wCw was some great stuff, they cut some good promos with us and we feuded for a while. The fans seemed to like that combo so… BA: You’re toeing the line there, Alan. JA: Look, me and Viper go way back. In the early days, we were kinda friends. Back in the HOMO era. That was such a great gimmick. Alan, remember when we did that one… BA: You can’t use the word “gimmick!” You’re killing me here. JA: What? BA: Can we please keep kayfabe here? AA: Who died and made you Jim Cornette? BA: Get in character, guys. What do you think of Capellan & Viper? JA: Um… AA: Uh… JA: We… think they’re pieces of dogshit. AA: What he said. BA: [writing] Okay, I can edit that. That works. Looking back, as a team, what’s your favorite memory? JA: Oh hell… how many are there? AA: The week I challenged BlackDragon for the IC Title, had Johnny dress as a female fan, and introduced Ninja Cameraman all in the same week… that was great. I mean, I don’t remember how many times we had to reshoot that parking lot skit with Johnny… JA: You try walking in heels. AA: It was… BA: Reshoots? Skits? Come on, guys! AA: Sorry. JA: The angle with Drink & Destroy was great, as well. AA: Which one? BA: you can’t say “angle” unless you’re referring to Kurt Angle. JA: Whatever dude. The one where AA and Capslock got all buddy buddy and shit. Then we swerved them at the end. Won all kinds of awards. AA: Ya know, Bill… that angle was originally written the other way. But Johnny lost a bet and ended up sitting on the wrong side of the plane and Capslock just sat on me for convenience sake and it all went from there. BA: For the last time, will you… JA: Man, you wanted to talk to us, so we’re talking. AA: Yeah, man. You want a sandwich or something? BA: Um… thanks for the time guys. I’ll get back with you at another time and we can do this better. JA: Great, looking forward to it. AA: Bye Bill. [Apter leaves.] JA: What’s with him? AA: What’s that kayfabe shit he kept screaming about? [TCH shrugs their shoulders and walk off and we fade out.] |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:55:42 GMT -5
(Ace Reporter Gregory Helms knocks once more on the door to the Heroes' Guild)
GH: Open up in the name of - *ahem* Press!
(the door opens and Sabu glares out at Helms)
GH: Holy hardcore! Who allows you to stay in this hallowed hall of heroics?
Sabu: (ushers Helms inside, where we see CTG suiting up)
GH: Concrete! I fear that your competition grows hostile and seeks to soil your name with baseless accusations! I wanted to know if you would be interested in some... proper backup. My contacts are well aware of your situation.
CTG: (turns to Helms) you're speaking of Russ's interview with Moosehead Jack. I'll be happy to answer any and all of his "baseless" accusations.
(Helms seats himself and pulls a portable recorder from his coat)
GH: (stops the recorder) do you feel that your means against Moosehead Jack are perhaps... underhanded?
CTG: Moose has his own twisted outlook on the world, Citizen Helms. He thinks that all people are inherently evil, and thinks that everyone uses the exact same tactics as he does to achieve their goals. I rely on Sterling Glaw's unbiased opinion and his strong sense of justice and what is considered fair play in the squared circle. That is his job as a referee, and he does it better than any other official in the OOWF. As for what he perceives as "Cheap" Disqualifications and weapons, he again sees this through his blood-soaked eyes. I seek a proper finish to all my matches, which is more than I can say for my opponents of recent times.
GH: Can you comment on his accusation that you sent hired hands to attack this monster?
CTG: I have no reason to attack Moose outside of the ring unless otherwise provoked. Moose forgets that he has many MANY enemies in this company; I am not the only one here who would like to see him fall. However, my means are the same no matter how he wishes to phrase it. (turns to the invisible ninja cameraman) Moose, you know perfectly well that I have no need to stop to your level to defeat you. I would hope that someday you would rise to the occasion and face me in the ring without hiding behind your arsenal, your lackeys and your bizarre concern for "trust" from a man who trusts no one. I offer you, subject to the approval of GM The Rick himself, that fair fight. Yet you hide behind the mountain called Stank, you hide behind the intensities of Spin Hansen.
GH: Do you feel he will call a fair match at this week's show?
CTG: I anticipate some bias from him, but I am willing to offer the benefit of the doubt. The GM is well aware of Moosehead Jack's alliances and will be watching this match personally. Especially if the Reds are out of World Series contention.
GH: Before I return to .. the office to turn in my interview, I wanted to congratulate you as one of the "Originals" of the OOWF surviving the first three years of this company. Do you feel that justice can be further served?
CTG: The Guild is behind me 100% on this matter. And that scares Moose more than anything. As for my success with this company, I am proud to represent the OOWF as its champion, and the fans of the OOWF are proud to see someone being a Hero for this company.
(the two stand and shake hands)
GH: When my photographer returns from his march, I hope that we may be able to add a proper picture of a true hero to this company to my newspaper.
CTG: I look forward to it, Citizen helms. Let me not take any more of your time.
GH: (salute) News waits for no man! (whooooooosh)
CTG: (watches the reporter fly off)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:56:18 GMT -5
(Sterling Glaw is walking down the hall, whistling merrily to himself.)
Glaw: Things are looking up for truth, justice, and goodness!
(He turns a corner... right into a thrown, non-anthropomorphic brick!)
Spin Hansen: Surprise, fucker!
(to the camera) God, it's been too long since I've done that. Glaw... this is war. You screwed Outback Jack and I out of our shots at the title last week... and it has me concerned. Very concerned.
(The camera pans down to see Glaw bleeding profusely from his face... it looks like his nose is broken!)
You see, Glaw (Spin lifts him to his feet by his hair)... I talked to RVD a little bit this week to see his insights into the Heroes Guild. He wasn't able to recall much aside from how comfortable the couch was and that they have a near-unlimited supply of Twinkies and Funyuns in there, but he did tell me this... there has to be balance in all things, yin and yang. You're upsetting that delicate balance. Too much yin. The Heroes Guild is not going to win every match that they're in. How about this... I'll restore the balance with a little bit of yang here.
(Spin picks Glaw up and hits him with a MASSIVE BACKBREAKER, echoing when Bane broke Batman's back!)
SH: Let's see you try to "officiate" another match from a wheelchair, you bastard.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 9:59:42 GMT -5
[Dragon Gate's evil referee, Kinta Tomoaka, approaches Spin Hansen.]
Kinta Tomoaka: Yeah, take that bitch! I am the one true heel ref! MUSCLE OUTLAWZZZZ!
Spin Hansen: ...uh, who are you again?
Kinta: MUSCLE OUTLAWZ!
Spin: ...right. How come you speak english?
Kinta: MUSCLE OUTLAWZ! GAMMA IS ICHIBAN!
Spin: Let me guess, you're here with The Defenestrators.
Kinta: Yes.
Spin: Huh. They're over in that direction.
Kinta: MUSCLE OUTLAWZZZZZ!
Spin: Stop that.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:00:01 GMT -5
F. Fonzworth Cappington III is in his Fortress of Snobbery with The Defenestrators. Lance brings them all champagne and hard boiled bald eagle eggs.
Cappington- Thank you, Jeeves. Something terrible happened gentlemen. I don't know how, but somehow no one saw how I joined forces with you at Midweek Mayhem and we're the word's awesomest group of awesome. Oh well, fuck it. LOOK EVERYBODY! I HAVE FRIENDS NOW! But we need to change a couple things here. First off, you guys dress like hobos.
Viper- I AM NOT A HOBO!
Cappington- What the hell are you doing in here? SECURITY!
Eco- So do we get some money to buy clothes? I'll be responsible with a big bag of money, if you have any laying around.
Voltage- I'm always prefered walking around with gold coins.
Eco- Can we swim in gold coins later?!
Voltage- Oh shit yeah, do you rich guys actually do that?
Cappington- Um...I dunno. I've been rich for, like, three weeks...anyways, Jeeves will take you over to Barney's and get you some new clothes and ring gear...wait...do they have a Barney's in Haiti? Hmmm...find an expensive store and Jeeves will buy you whatever you want.
Eco- There's a Wal-Mart. That's pretty expensive.
Cappington- No...more expensive...
Voltage- Yeah Eco. We gotta be high rollers, dummy. We shop at Target.
Cappington- NO!
Eco- Old Navy?
Cappington- (slaps forehead)
Voltage- Oh wait, I know what you mean. Classy, right? Expensive, right?
Cappington- Yes, what is there?
Voltage- Wal-Mart?
Eco- Oh yeah! Let's go to Wal-Mart!
Cappington- LOOK! I will buy you the closest Wal-Mart if you promise to wear clothes from any place other than Wal-Mart!
Eco- Wait...are you saying...what I think you're saying?
Voltage- We are the new owners of the Wal-Mart in Port Au Prince, Haiti!? THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!
Eco- WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Cappington- Damn, you guys are easy to please.
Lance- Oh you don't know the half of it. Voltage signed a contract to work for you for three years for two jars of Vegemite.
Cappington- What about Eco?
Lance- He agreed to a contract of $1.64 a month. I'm not sure Mr. Ecosystem understands U.S. Currency.
Cappington- Look, I appreciate that we aren't apending too much on them, but I don't like you tricking them into these contracts, Jeeves.
Eco- Oh no, we wrote the contracts ourselves.
Cappington- Oh...uh...well, welcome aboard then.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:00:44 GMT -5
(Phantos & Lucios walk into Rick’s amazingly not doorless office a couple of hours before the show.)
L: Rick, we need to talk
GMtR: What the hell do YOU two want?
P: We’d like a small request granted.
L: Nothing major, mind you.
GMtR: What is this MINOR request?
L: We would like our match tonight to be a best 2-of-3 falls match. It has kind of been a specialty of ours in the past.
P: Yeah, with all these run-ins, cheap losses and what not here lately, we feel a need to prove ourselves.
GMtR: Maybe you’d win a match if you could actually USE your finisher instead of just setting it up all the time.
L: Precisely. We want more than a basic match. Capellan and Viper are competitors, I’m sure they’d go along with it.
P: And if not, you could make them.
GmtR: Why should I? You two didn’t even win at the pay-per-view last month. You are in no place to make requests.
P: We made a miscalculation by attacking our opponents too soon. We won’t make that mistake again.
L: Lets move forward though. About our 2-of-3 falls match tonight. You should also consider naming it a #1 contender’s match.
GMtR: I’m not in ANY kind of mood to give favors to you two.
L: Think of it like this. I was waiting behind the curtain a couple of weeks ago just like you told me to during the random 6-person team event. I went out and put away Harris like a good soldier. Now, if you want people to KNOW that you had Moose’s replacement ready when no one supposedly knew he had been attacked yet, that’s fine with us...
GMtR: You are trying to Blackmail me?
L: It’s more like reminding you of who did what he was told and asked NO questions about it.
GMtR: I don’t care who knows what. No deal. Now get ou….(gets cut off)
P: There is also this. We happen to know one of the OOWF’s most recognizable talents has a contract extension that hasn’t been signed. We also know that one of your wrestlers has physical possession of the contract backstage and is planning on using it as bait. We would be MORE than happy to retrieve it for you.
GMtR: What? Who? Where is it?
L: We don’t know for sure yet, but we will gladly track it down for you.
P: Being kind of quiet and reclusive so far has left us open to hear all sorts of things backstage.
GMtR: (pounds his desk in anger) It took months of sandification to get that extension negotiated!!
L: (laughs) And I bet it would be a shame if that contract went unsigned, wouldn’t it?
GMtR: Damn right it would. I don’t blackmail easy boys; you’re going to have to let me think on this.
P: We’ll be awaiting your decision. (P & L quietly walk out)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:01:32 GMT -5
*Ace Reporter Gregory Helms leaves the Heroes Guild Lair and rounds the corner. He spots someone* ARGH: STOP! Evil Doer! *Helms eats a disgusting spear from Davin Moreland, who proceeds to beat the ever-living bejeezus out of Helms, including a sweet-looking Shooting Star Press from the top of a CONVENIENTLY PLACED LADDER to wrap things up. Helms might well be dead. Moreland is beaming* DM: Thank God you showed up Greg. I've been itching to kick the crap out of something all week, what with this Hardbody Harris stuff. Good work, buddy. *Moreland wanders around another corner and trepidatiously (??) moves closer to the Team Hardbody locker room. Hearing more awful music, he takes a deep breath and pushes the door open. His jaw drops to the floor as he witnesses...* youtube.com/watch?v=r5gyWKJgNZo*Hardbody Harris notices the visibly shaken Moreland and makes his way across the room* HH: Hey Tagbuddy! What a party huh? I didn't know this modern music could be so GROOVY! F: I'm shakin' my gwoove thing! DM: *mumbles* What did I ever do to deserve this, God? HH: Barkeep! Get this man a PINK LEMONADE! Hey, Davin...Why is your wristband turning gray? DM: *twitches* HH: Must just be the light in here...Come on! *fade* |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:02:14 GMT -5
Stank walks over to the locker room marked HEROES GUILD. He calmly knocks on the door. Nayr the Halfling Luchadore answers then tries to slam the door shut when he sees who's there. Stank extends his arm holding the door open as Nayr struggles valiantly to shut it. Stank looks down at the little man.
Stank - Is Crete here?
Nayr - Go away Stank! You're not welcomed!
Stank - I will ask you one. last. time.
Nayr - ...
Firechild walks up behind Nayr.
FC - What do YOU want?
Stank - Is. Crete... here?
FC - Look, do us all a favor and go away.
Stank - Firechild, for the moment my issue is not with you. If you don't step aside and let me through... well then, you and I WILL have an issue that I guarantee ends in your pain and my satisfaction. Now, you and the munchkin, stand aside.
FC - You THINK I'm AFRAI-
CTG - Let him through. I'll speak with him.
Stank and Firechild glare at one another a moment longer before Firechild and Nayr part allowing Stank to pass.
CTG - Citizen Stank.
Stank - Oh... you remember my name... how nice.
CTG - What do you want?
Stank - I want you to get a GOOD look at the MAN you will be facing at Mayhem. I want you to UNDERSTAND that it is *I* who will defeat you for the World Title. I want you to understand that it is *I* that will bring this house of cards CRASHING DOWN all around you. I WANT you to KNOW that STANK is the one who BEAT YOU to within an inch of your life. I am NO ONE'S lackey! LEAST of all Moosehead Jack's!
You THINK I am doing HIS bidding?
CTG - Aren't you?
Stank - ... It is THIS lack of perspective, on your part, which will hasten your doom. You still don't get it. You still don't understand the nature of the... peril, you face you fucking piece of-
CTG - That's it! If you can't express yourself in a civilized manner... then THERE'S the door! I suggest you USE IT!
Stank walks toward the exit. He points...
Stank - You mean this door right here?
Stank RIPS the door from it's hinges and HURLS it at CONCRETE TG! Crete DUCKS, narrowly escaping being SMASHED in the face, by the door turned missile. Crete and Nayr stand stunned at the act of violence. Firechild, for his part, looks on sternly. Stank stands at the entrance looking back at Crete.
Stank - There is nothing CIVILIZED about the way I'm going to hurt you. That inch of life I leave you WRITHING in will likely get extinguished by Moose when all is said and done. Go on with your single minded thinking. Keep watching out for Moosehead Jack. It makes it THAT much easier to take you out... hmmph... I DOUBT you'll even recall this little incident after I've left. Such is your devotion to Moose.
I shouldn't have wasted my TIME.
Stank smirks, turns, then walks down the hallway, out of sight of the "Heroes" standing inside their doorless locker room.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:02:35 GMT -5
**As Stank walks away from the Heroes locker room, the camera pans across the hall, where L.D. Williams is leaning on the wall, being interviewed by SFJ#27.**
LD: <chuckles> “See, he’s even using my ‘not a lackey’ line.”
SFJ#27: “You certainly don’t seem concerned that Moosehead Jack has found other allies.”
LD: “Are you kidding? For the first time in two years I’m free! I don’t have to worry about dealing with Jack’s latest scheme or deciphering some ridiculous mind game. Stank gets to deal with the insanity now…couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.”
SFJ#27: “And what about you? What are your plans? Everyone in the OOWF seems to be targeting Concrete TG…”
LD: “Which is as it should be. I might go down that road, but for now, I have some personal business to attend to.”
SFJ#27: “Which is?”
LD: “Months ago, I set aside my issues with Underdawg on Jack’s say so. The four of us were going to own the OOWF, but what did I get? Ignored…put through walls…I certainly don’t remember ‘Dawg backing us up. It’s time somebody taught him a lesson.”
SFJ#27: “But, your past with the Underdawg…”
LD: “Isn’t very good, I know. He tends to kick my ass. But he’s beatable, I know it. I’ve made him tap…and I’ll do it again. No games, no magical mumbo-jumbo, just straight up one-on one. I can beat the Underdawg…and I will.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:03:32 GMT -5
Underdawg enters F. Fonzworth Cappington III's Fortress Of Snobbery
Underdawg- So...found some money, did ya?
Cappington- Oh yeah, you need some or something?
U- I actually got my own money. We have a fight to worry about. I know you probably don't care, but I want to take Moreland out. If you can help me with that, I can help you with your little Hardbody problem.
C- Oh its not a problem. Harris is not nearly as big of a deal as he seems to think he is. He's actually quite beatable.
U- I know.
C- Right. I suppose you would. So did you need me to beat Moreland's ass for you?
U- I don't need anyone to beat anyone's ass for me. I just thought you'd enjoy doing some damage to Moreland and I know I'd enjoy taking Harris out to the woodshed. Then we'll head over to Old Navy and we will...rest...in...fleece...
C- Old Navy? Ew...come on. Where's all the nice places in this country?
U- Old Navy is fuckin' Saks Fifth Avenue in Haiti.
C- The more I learn about it, the more I hate this country.
The Defenestrator's come running in
Eco- Cappington! You'll never believe how fufilling it is to be a Haitian Wal-Mart owner!
Volt- I'm looking for a house. I want to live here forever. This place is great! I want to hang out with Wyclef Jean!
C- I'm not so sure Wyclef still lives here. Plus, don't kidnapping's happen, like, every 16 seconds in this toilet?
V- I'm not sure. Have you heard anything about that Eco? Um...Eco? Where'd he go? Who's ransom note is this?
C- Damn it...how much do they want?
V- $100. No! How will we come up with $100!?
C- I've got money. No worries.
V- YOU HAVE $100!? Damn! You're the richest person I've ever met!
U- Seriously? How much is Rick paying you?
V- Pay? Do you guys get paid to do this?
C- Yeah...everyone does. When you show up and sign a contract they negotiate a salery for you. Any of this sounding familiar?
V- Negotiate a contract? No. I just showed up and started wrestling.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:03:53 GMT -5
(Voltage walks into the alley behind his Wal-Mart.)
Voltage: Anybody here?
(500 starving Haitian children come out from the darkness, carrying in a tied-up Ecosystem.)
Voltage: Ah. Who wants a hundred dollars?
(The first Haitian takes the money, and they hand Eco back.)
Eco: Thanks buddy.
Voltage: Eco, do you get paid to wrestle?
Eco: Yeah...
Voltage: Well yeah, but I mean, regularly. Not just asking Moose to spot me some money for food for the week.
MHJ: YOU MEAN THE RICK?
Voltage: ...Of course I do.
(Moose disapparates.)
Eco: Yeah, I get a regular salary. Why do you think I always pay for our food when we're not at Ric's Sandwich Shop?
Voltage: Because you're a true gentleman?
Eco: No.
Voltage: So wait...how did you get them to pay you?
Eco: I used to own this company, remember?
Voltage: ....Wait, WHAT?
Eco: Ever watch DEAD BABY BONANZA!?
Voltage: Is that back when matches were like two sentences because the GM was so lazy?
(Kayfabe dies.)
Eco: MAYBE!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:04:31 GMT -5
<Moose is sitting in a Haitian bar drinking a beer when Stank walks next to him and takes a seat. The two men sit for a moment and never even look at each other> Stank: Moose MHJ: Stank <another long silence passes between them> Sta: So what are you planning for the match with Crete this week? MHJ: What do you want me to do? <Stank grabs Moose and spins him in the stool so they are face to face> Sta: Look Moose, don't dick me around here. How are you going to call this match? MHJ: What would piss Crete off the most? Sta: What? MHJ: What would piss Crete off the most? Sta: Well I would imagine if you counted a quick pin on him and handed me the title, that would piss him off pretty good. MHJ: Nah, Crete is expecting that. Besides, we do that, and he screams righteous indignation, rants about how the Heroes were robbed and all that other bullshit. And it makes your title win look hollow. Sta: Since when do you care how my title win looks? MHJ: I don't. But I know you do. Look Stank, you and I know the Heroes are corrupt bastards. And while it would be sweet to beat them at their own game, all that does is make it look like you can't beat Crete straight up Sta: I CAN BEAT HIM STRAIGHT UP MHJ: I know you can. Thats why, this week, I am calling the match right down the middle. Sta: Bullshit MHJ: You still don't trust me? Sta: Nope MHJ: You think I would side with Crete? Sta: Well, no MHJ: Now, which would I do, something Crete expects, or something that pisses him off to no end? Think about it, you beat him, 1,2,3 clean, in the middle of the ring, in a fairly officiated match, officiated by me no less. and I hand him the title. That would burn his ass so bad he would never get over it. Sta: You have a point there <the two fall into silence for a few more minutes and turn back to their beers, then Stank starts laughing> MHJ: Something funny? Sta: you know, this is a real test for them. MHJ: Oh? Sta: Think about it, you call it down the middle, how much do you want to bet Firechild, Glaw, or some other Heroes lackey gets involved, all it does is prove our point. MHJ: Exactly <just then the door opens and LD Williams walks in and sits at a corner table, Moose grabs a beer and walks over and sits down> MHJ: LD, looks like I was the last person you were expecting LDW: Well, you you haven't exactly been around a whole lot lately have you? MHJ: What the hell did you need me for? You guys were ripping shit up as the tag champs. Beside, without me there, you didn't have to deal with my mind games or schemes. LDW: Look Jack, all I meant by that was..... MHJ: It doesn't matter. LDW: ok then MHJ: So you going after Crete? LDW: After I take care of Dawg, yeah MHJ: What's your beef with Dawg? LDW: Just gotta prove something to myself. If that twit Crete can beat him, I know I can. MHJ: You can. And you can beat Crete too LDW: Isn't that going to put a wrench in your plans with Stank and the other Drink & Destroy morons? MHJ: Look LD, honestly, I don't give a damn who beats Crete. You, Stank, Spin, me, Jason Shapiro, I don't care, as long as he isn't holding the title. LDW: If your boy wins it, I am coming after him MHJ: He's not my boy, and I expect it, he expects it, there's nothing to it. LDW: And if you win it? MHJ: What of it? LDW: Then I am coming after you MHJ: Happy hunting then <Jack clicks Williams bottle and takes a long swig, settling back in his chair. Williams looks at Moose then drinks, and we fade out> |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 10:05:01 GMT -5
*Hardbody Harris is groggily sitting in the locker room with Fievel. The place is littered with 80's styles guitars, wristbands, congealed pink lemonade, glitter, and Chips Ahoy wrappers. He's wearing Billy Gunn's pants from TNA Hard Justice.*
HH: Oh, wow, my head hurts.
Fievel: It should. You were on cwite a stweek.
HH: Did I go on some sort of hazy gay bender or something?
Fievel: It gave me nightmares!
HH: Oh, God. I need to go talk to my Tag Team partner.
Fievel: Morewand?
HH: Yeah. I need him to know he can rely on me.
*Hardbody leaves his locker room and almost trips over Moreland, who is huddled on the floor*
HH: Moreland?
DM: Oh, God, please take those pants off.
HH: Okay.
*He strips of the pants to reveal just his wrestling gear, since he never takes it off*
HH: Look, I just want you to know that Team Hardbody will win tonight. You can count on me. Underdawg and Hot Cappuccino don't have a chance against us.
DM: That's all well and good, but you still have those peacock feathers in your hair.
HH: Oh, snap. I'll be back. You wait here. Oh, and Moreland?
DM: What.
HH: I'M NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN. NEVER GONNA GIVE, NEVER GONNA GIVE
DM: Somebody hit me with a mop.
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