OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 08-22-07

[mooseheadjack]

<We see a heavily bandaged Crete along with Firechild heading toward GM the Rick's door>

CTG: This has been a grave injustice! We must talk to the Rick about........

<Just then Stank and Spin walk out of GM the Rick's office with a sheet of paper that Stank pounds to the door>

CTG: CITIZEN STANK!! I demand to know what nefarious means you have stooped to once again this week to undermine our......

<Stank steps real close to Crete and Crete pauses>

Sta: Crete, I am tired of the bullshit. I am tired of your crap. So next week, no titles on the line, its me and Spin, against you and Firechild. No rules. You hear me? That means ANYTHING goes, anything at all. Now, you tell your boy Glaw, that if he comes within one hundred feet of that ring next week, I WILL break his damn neck. And then, I am gonna break yours.

<Stank and Spin walk away leaving Crete and Firechild staring at the lineup>

********************************
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Pinor Del Rio, Cuba

No-Rules, Anything Goes Match[/u]
Concrete TG & Firechild vs. Stank & Spin Hansen

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Defenestrators

Non-Title Match[/u]
Nayr vs. Knife

Capellan & Viper vs. Phantos & Lucios
LD Williams vs. Davin Moreland
JW Westgaard vs. Outback Jack
F. Fonzworth Cappington III vs. SYB
Hardbody Harris vs. Apocalyptic Existence
Moosehead Jack & UnderDawg vs, Los Defenestrators

Card subject to Communist takeover

[mooseheadjack]

(Los Defenstratores are relaxing backstage when FLORIDA REPUBLICAN SENATOR MEL MARTINEZ RUNS IN~!)

Sen. Martinez: Chicos! Tenemos un problema! [Boys! We have a problem!]

El Ecosistema: Que es el problema, Senador? [What is the problem, Senator?]

Sen. Martinez: Este semana, lucharemos contra Moosehead Jack y Underdawg! [This week, you will wrestle against Moosehead Jack and Underdawg.]

El Voltaje: Asi sea. Ganaremos. [So it is. We'll win.]

Sen. Martinez: Pero...Underdawg y Moosehead Jack son campeones pasados del mundo! [But...Underdawg and Moosehead Jack are past world champions!]

El Ecosistema: Eh. Creo que Underdawg pierda contra Davin Moreland. Davin Moreland!! [Eh. I think that Underdawg lost against Davin Moreland. Davin Moreland!!]

El Voltaje: Pero, es posible que perdieremos porque Moosehead Jack es el promotor. [But it's possible that we will lose because Moosehead Jack is the promoter.]

(Moosehead Jack runs in and beats the crap out of El Voltaje.)

El Voltaje: Ay! Por que, Moose, por que? [Ay! Why, Moose, why?]

Moose: Puedo leer sus subtitulos, kayfabe-asesino.

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan & Viper review the card.

Viper sighs.

"What is with Rick? Is he dyslexic or just stupid? It's Capellan & Viper, not Viper & Capellan."

"Dude, you probably shouldn't say that so loud. We're right outside his office, and Rick already acts like you pissed in his cornflakes."

"If only I had."

"Dude: Ew."

[mooseheadjack]

(Phantos and Lucios meet MooseHead Jack in a seedy looking hole-in-the-wall Bar. A hand lettered sign above the door reads 'el martillo y la hoz'. Phantos hands Moose a manila folder.)

MHJ: This is his contract?

P: Yes it is.

MHJ: It’s not a copy?… You realize I will destroy you both if it is

L: It is the real McCoy, Mr. Moose

MHJ: (opens the folder and reads the contents) Good, very Good.

P: So, you really have the pull to get us a World Tag Team Championship match?

MHJ: Trust Me. It will happen.

[mooseheadjack]

Firechild kicks open the door to the Destroyatarium. Spin, Stank and Moose are around the table laying cards. Spin jumps to his feet and heads towards the door, Stank slowly gets up, Moose remains seated, apprently unconcerned.

FC: I'm not here for trouble, I've just got a message.

Spin stops, and redirects himself to the bar, and pours himself a Jack daniels, neat and leans back to listen.

FC: It's good to see that you're willing to listen, but this won't take long.

Moose leans back in his chair, and the creak of the wood is audible in the tense atmosphere.

Stank: You'd better say what you've got to, then leave, or you won't make it to Mayhem, Flame.

FC: Fine, I just wanted to point out that you want to expose me, and Concrete as rule breakers just like yourselves with this No Rules match next week. That's a bit ass-backwards isn't it? I mean if there are no rules, then it doesn't matter iof I smash you with a chair to get the pin, it's still legal, and no rules have been broken. What does it prove?

Stank is about to answer, but Moose almost imperceptibly clears his throat and speaks.

MHJ: That's right Flame, you think like that. It';s really good that you think like that.

Firechild's anger at Moose flares to the surface, and he starts towards him.

MHJ: Thats right little angel, just you dirty up your wings with your hate for me. Bust these guys wide open at Mayhem and tell yourself it's fine 'cause it's legal. Go on Firechild. Hit. Me.

Firechild is right close to Moose, then thinks better of it and all but flees the room.

Spin: What the fuck was that all about Moose?

Moose seems not to hear, shuffles his cards, then tosses a token into the middle of the table.

MHJ: I'll see you that, and raise you five. Trust Me.

Stank and Spin look at each other and smile.....

[mooseheadjack]

*Post-Match, Fievel and the MEDICAL PERSONEL are assisting Hardbody Harris back into his dressing room. Davin Moreland, conveniently, is there*

HH: *groans in pain* Wow. This hurts.

F: Weewy?

HH: Yes, badly lil buddy. But there's good news.

F: Good news? Awe you cwazy?

HH: No, no Fievel. See? Now I've been hit with not just 1 chair, but TWO CHAIRS! Now I am DOUBLE THE #1 FACE IN THE OOWF!!!!!!!

DM: *murmers incoherently*

*Hardbody Harris limps over and sits next to Moreland on the bench*

HH: And thanks to my Tagbuddy here, he managed to keep my push momentum going by taking out 'Dawg and Cappington! Great work tagbuddy!

*Kayfabe screams in the distance*

DM: Um, you're welcome I guess.

HH: *puts his arm around Moreland* Soo...You up for a little pink lemonade, Uno and Rick Astley? Huh? HUH?? Whadd'ya say, Tagbuddy?

DM: I'd say you're gonna need a "Cry for Help" in a second.

HH: *confused* I'm confused.

*Moreland quickly stands up, rips the bench out of the ground with HARRIS STILL SITTING ON IT (zomg!) and proceeds to beat him senseless with it, until he's battered, bloodied and unconscious. Fievel is crying*

DM: What are you crying about, Mouse?

F: You beat up my FWIEND! *Fievel proceeds to beat on Moreland's shin with his tiny fists*

DM: Oh, I have something very special planned for you. *Moreland opens up the closet, and 5 very hungry stray cats mosey out of the closet*

F: *is terrified*

DM: Have fun, Mouse. *snickers*

*Moreland, satisfied with himself, BARRELS! out into the hallway, and smacks right into LD Williams*

LDW: Punk.

DM: Oh, I'm sorry LD.

LDW: *glowers at Moreland* You damn well better be sorry. I'll make you sorry...THIS WEDNESDAY! At MIDWEEK MAYHEM!!!!*cheers from the crowd from somewhere*

DM: Ah, well, I know it'll be a good match, you're one of the best there ever was.

LDW: Was?

DM: Yeah, one of the best there is, best there was, best there ever will...

*Bret Hart flies out of nowhere and locks in a Sharpshooter on Moreland. Moreland taps. Hart leaves yelling, "YOU HOSEHEAD!"*

*Moreland stretches out his legs on the floor staring up at Williams*

DM: Anyway...

LDW: You think kissing my ass will get you anywhere, fool? I don't care about that stuff...I just wanna kick ass.

DM: I know. Let's get it done in the ring. It will be my crowning achievement so far as a pro, just getting in the ring with you.

LDW: Are we gonna fight now?

DM: No.

LDW: Good. I'm leaving. You're...there's just something not right about you...*LD Williams leaves*

DM: *muttering and looking at the ground as he gets up*Geez, you try to compliment someone....

*Smack! Moreland has run into someone else. The camera pans back and we see F. FONZWORTH CAPPINGTON III WITH A BANDAGE ON HIS HEAD HOLDING A CHAIR AND WEARING ARMANI!*

FFC: *grrrr*

DM: *backs off a little* Hey...Listen that wasn't anything personal in there...I was just...

FFCIII: You were just what!? Protecting that little fairy "tagbuddy" of yours!?

DM: Well, kinda, plus you got in the way when I was gonna paste Underdawg again.

*Underdawg POOFS! out of nowhere and locks Moreland into a DAWGMISSION! Moreland taps. 'Dawg POOFS! again and has left*

DM: Anyway, Harris kicked me a little extra to make sure I actually showed up to the match.

FFCIII: Really? Why would he have to do that?

DM: Face/Heel necklaces...Team Hardbody...Pink Lemonade...Rick Astley...Fievel...

FFCIII: Ok, ok...got it. So you only pasted me with a chair because Harris paid you a little extra $, is that right?

DM: Yep, that's really all there was to it. Swear. Nothing against you, I think you're a badass out there.

FFCIII: Hmm. Interesting. Food for thought. I'll be talking to you again soon Moreland.

DM: Hope so. Take care Mr. Cappington.

FFCIII: *turns to walk away* Oh, and one more thing, Moreland?

DM: Yeah?

*FFCIII blasts Moreland over the dome-piece with his chair. Moreland collapses in a heap on the floor*

FFCIII: Never paste me with a chair. *leaves*

DM: *IN QUITE A BIT OF PAIN~!~!~!and groaning* I'm having a really, really bad day....Anyone seen Helms?

*fade*

Rick Astley Cries for Help

[mooseheadjack]

* GM The Rick sits behind his desk. A sleazy-looking man in a suit and another man in a white lab coat sit opposite him. Betwwen them, a monitor is showing Outback Jack being interviewed by Skeem Gene, but the sound is muted. *

Sleazy-looking man: Senor, our Promotine 3000 supplement can revolutionize your sport. With it, even the most tongue-tied inarticulate oaf can win the hearts of the fans. It will make your Box of Promos obsolete. If you help us to get into the American professional wrestling market, not only will your promotion benefit but we can see our way clear to perhaps arranging a distribution deal, or perhaps a nice consulting fee. We just need a chance.

GMTR: I've heard rumors about this stuff but I'm a skeptic, Potsie.

White Coat: Of course, senor. That is why we've arranged a demonstration. We took the liberty of having some Promotine 3000 slipped into some cerveza. Observe! *turns up sound on monitor just as OBJ swills some beer and belches*

That's Australian for...*OBJ's eyes glaze over, he tilts his head back, cups his hands to his mouth and screams*...er, I mean, that's Australian for...Lemme tell ya somethin' Mean Gene, watcha gonna do when the largest arms in the world...stand for law, order and justice in...drop and give me 20 you puke...oh yeah - snap into a...bubble gum, and I'm all out of...everybody's got a price for the...American Dream, if you weeeyulllll....now it's time for all of you fat, ugly, out of shape...tell 'em, big man!!!

*OBJ slaps Gene on the chest, knocking him down*


White Coat: We must have used an old batch.

[mooseheadjack]

Stank - You seen Outback Jack?

Spin - He's being interviewed by- Oh there he is.

OBJ - Say... hello... to the... bad bad man!

Spin - ...

Stank - ... okay.

OBJ - Sorry fellas I'm not feeling myself.

Spin - Well take a seat. Have a beer.

*OBJ motions for a beer. Spin tosses him one. OBJ motions for another can. Spin obliges. OBJ pops open both cans, clashes them together, and pours both onto his face and everywhere else except down his gullet.*

Stank - What the hell is wrong with you. You're spilling our beer everywh-

OBJ - Outback Jack says this... IF YOU SMELLLLAAAWOOWAAAWOAALLL!!... what the... GAME is THAT DAMN... WHOOOOOOO!

Stank - ...

Spin - ...

OBJ - BRAAAP! That's Australian for... PIMPIN AIN'T EAASAAAY!

Stank - ... why.

Spin - He's obviously drunk.

Stank - No, I mean why isn't pimpin easy?

OBJ - Guys... help.

Stank - I don't think we have the kind of help you need.

OBJ - And THAT'S the bottom line... cause... I'm the best there is... the best there was... and the best... thing... going... today... WHOOOOO! It's true. It's damn true.

Spin - Okay... you're starting to scare me.

[mooseheadjack]

(Phantos & Lucios have entered Johnny Adrenaline & Attitude Adjuster’s locker room.)

P: There. That briefcase. I saw Adrenaline carrying that earlier.

(Lucios places a manila folder in the briefcase, leaving it partially exposed.)

P: Let’s get out of here, man.

[mooseheadjack]

*Inside the arena a sudden blinding light washes the ring out. When the light finally ceases, The Knife is standing in it wearing a suit and holding a bible*

TK- Attention sinners! After much soul-searching and prayer, I have finally heard back from the Lord my God. I thought He wasn't listening anymore. I thought He didn't speak to me anymore. But as I turns out I just wasn't listening. But I hear Him again! I lost my way and I strayed. But He has taken me back into His loving arms and embraced me as his child once again! And you all can repeant as well. Its not too late to turn against sin and hedonism. You cheer when a so-called sexy female journalist comes out dressed like a temptress. You cheer when the alleged "faces" in this company womanize and and drink and swear and fly right in the face of the Lord. And of your false idols, the Heroes are the worst of them all. They glorify themselves above all others. They seek only status and self-gratification. Everyone in this company is out for themselves. They seek titles to adorn themselves with. They are proud and vein. It is true that I seek the Onslaught Championship, but not glorify myself. I seek the title to take it out of the undeserving hands of Nayr. He struts around with the title with pride. When I take it from him, I will place it in a locked box, never to be seen again unless someone wins it from me, which is unlikely. I am more than a simple wrestler. I am The Knife! I am the Right Hand of God! And his wrath has reached you, Nayr. Your days of pride and self-glory are gone. Its time to cut out your evil ways with a knife. The Knife!

[mooseheadjack]

(Phantos & Lucios knock on Rick’s door and are granted entrance.)

GMtR: You have it?

L: No, but we know exactly where it is. We can lead you straight to it.

GMtR: (stands and puts on his sportcoat) Let’s go now. I want that thing back in my office immediately.

(P & L lead Rick down the hall, past the janitor closet where Davin can be heard muttering about Pink Lemonade; and to the TCH locker room.)

GMtR: These two?

P: We’re going to leave now. We heard Johnny say it was in his briefcase.

(P & L walk away. Rick opens the door and finds Johnny Adrenaline standing beside his open briefcase and staring incredulously at the folder in his hands. The door is slammed shut and Rick can be heard screaming at TCH. Sounds of a scuffle ensue. After a few minutes, Rick emerges, jacket torn, and screams at the tag champions.)

GMtR: Tonight! You defend those belts again tonight! And If I don't like the outcome, you will defend them again and again!

(Rick storms away, clutching the manila folder tightly)

[mooseheadjack]

(Ecosystem and Voltage are watching tapes of Phantos and Lucios.)

Eco: ...I don't get it.

Voltage: Okay. There's a contract.

Eco: Whose?

Voltage: I don't know. Anyway, they planted it in Johnny's briefcase.

Eco: After showing it to Moose.

Voltage: Right...unless that was different.

Eco: And so, the Heels are defending their titles.

Voltage: Against us.

Eco: And if they lose, they defend them again. Against us?

Voltage: Against Phantos and Lucios.

Eco: For sure?

Voltage: Not for sure.

Eco: But Moose will try to make it that way.

Voltage: Yes. Probably.

Eco: Why?

Voltage: I don't know.

Eco: It's a good thing we have no ambition. This stuff is confusing.

[mooseheadjack]

In F. Fonzworth Cappington III's Fortress Of Snobbery

FFCIII- Jeeves! We require more champagne, there is much business to discuss.

Eco- And can I have a Sam's Club Root Beer?

FFCIII- Eco!

Eco- Oh right...make it a A&W! Those are way more expensive!

FFCIII- You aren't getting it.

Eco- And serve it on the stomach of a virgin prostitute!

FFCIII- There you go. On to business. I have this problem with Hardbody Harris. What can you guys do to send him a message?

Volt- Hmmm...WAIT! No...WAIT! No...I GOT IT! LET'S GO!

Voltage and Ecosystem run off, see Hardbody Harris walking by a window in the hallway, grab him out of nowhere and defenestrate him. They run back to Cappington's room.

FFCIII- Great stuff fellas! I thought that was just a clever name.

Volt- Though what was?

FFCIII- Your name. I didn't know it actually had anything to do with throwing people through windows.

Volt- My name has nothing to do with throwing people through windows. Its Voltage.

Eco- He meant my name, dummy.

Volt- Your name is Ecosystem.

Eco- Exactly.

FFCIII- Alright, anyways. I thought we should talk about out name. We should have one, I think.

Volt- I got it!

FFCIII- Okay, what do you have?

Volt- The Defenestrators!

Eco- I like it! Let's go with that!

FFCIII- That's already your name.

Volt- No. Its Voltage.

Eco- Mine's Ecosystem. It means "throw through or out of the window"

FFCIII- I meant a team name.

Volt- The Fremantle Dockers!

FFCIII- FOR OUR TEAM!

Volg- I was thinking about that. What about The Defenestrators?

Eco- I like it! Let's go with that!

FFCIII- Okay, listen for a second. I don't want to get too far away from defenestration, because it your thing. So what about this? How about the League of Aristocratic Dignified Elite Defenestrators?

Eco- Nah, I don't like that.

Volt- I've got it! The League of Aristocratic Dignified Elite Defenestrators!

Eco- I like it! Let's go with that.

FFCIII- I just came up with that!

Volt- No, you didn't, glory hog. I literally just came up with that a second ago.

Eco- I heard him.

FFCIII- Whatever, Then that'll be the name. We are L.O.A.D.E.D!

Eco- I'm not really. I haven't even been drinking today.

FFCIII- No, Loaded like, we have money.

Volt- We have money?

FFCIII- I do. And you hang out with me. So sure, we're L.O.A.D.E.D.

Eco- I don't get it.

Volt- Because we have money! We're drunk because we can afford it! We're totally loaded right now.

FFCIII- That's not what it means...aw fuck it, we have a name, let's roll with it. I need a notery public or if I could get a lawy...

In walks Super Mario, Attorney-at-law

FFCIII- Are you kidding me?

Mario- Itsa me, Mario!

FFCIII- Yeah, um...we made a new team name and I need to trademark it so we can start a marketing campaign.

Mario- ...itsa me, Mario!

Eco- I like it! Let's go with that!

FFCIII- Is he even listening to us?

Volt- What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I'm kind of loaded. Y'know...because I'm drunk on money.

[mooseheadjack]

In F. Fonzworth Cappington III's Fortress Of Snobbery

FFCIII- Jeeves! We require more champagne, there is much business to discuss.

Eco- And can I have a Sam's Club Root Beer?

FFCIII- Eco!

Eco- Oh right...make it a A&W! Those are way more expensive!

FFCIII- You aren't getting it.

Eco- And serve it on the stomach of a virgin prostitute!

FFCIII- There you go. On to business. I have this problem with Hardbody Harris. What can you guys do to send him a message?

Volt- Hmmm...WAIT! No...WAIT! No...I GOT IT! LET'S GO!

Voltage and Ecosystem run off, see Hardbody Harris walking by a window in the hallway, grab him out of nowhere and defenestrate him. They run back to Cappington's room.

FFCIII- Great stuff fellas! I thought that was just a clever name.

Volt- Though what was?

FFCIII- Your name. I didn't know it actually had anything to do with throwing people through windows.

Volt- My name has nothing to do with throwing people through windows. Its Voltage.

Eco- He meant my name, dummy.

Volt- Your name is Ecosystem.

Eco- Exactly.

FFCIII- Alright, anyways. I thought we should talk about out name. We should have one, I think.

Volt- I got it!

FFCIII- Okay, what do you have?

Volt- The Defenestrators!

Eco- I like it! Let's go with that!

FFCIII- That's already your name.

Volt- No. Its Voltage.

Eco- Mine's Ecosystem. It means "throw through or out of the window"

FFCIII- I meant a team name.

Volt- The Fremantle Dockers!

FFCIII- FOR OUR TEAM!

Volg- I was thinking about that. What about The Defenestrators?

Eco- I like it! Let's go with that!

FFCIII- Okay, listen for a second. I don't want to get too far away from defenestration, because it your thing. So what about this? How about the League of Aristocratic Dignified Elite Defenestrators?

Eco- Nah, I don't like that.

Volt- I've got it! The League of Aristocratic Dignified Elite Defenestrators!

Eco- I like it! Let's go with that.

FFCIII- I just came up with that!

Volt- No, you didn't, glory hog. I literally just came up with that a second ago.

Eco- I heard him.

FFCIII- Whatever, Then that'll be the name. We are L.O.A.D.E.D!

Eco- I'm not really. I haven't even been drinking today.

FFCIII- No, Loaded like, we have money.

Volt- We have money?

FFCIII- I do. And you hang out with me. So sure, we're L.O.A.D.E.D.

Eco- I don't get it.

Volt- Because we have money! We're drunk because we can afford it! We're totally loaded right now.

FFCIII- That's not what it means...aw fuck it, we have a name, let's roll with it. I need a notery public or if I could get a lawy...

In walks Super Mario, Attorney-at-law

FFCIII- Are you kidding me?

Mario- Itsa me, Mario!

FFCIII- Yeah, um...we made a new team name and I need to trademark it so we can start a marketing campaign.

Mario- ...itsa me, Mario!

Eco- I like it! Let's go with that!

FFCIII- Is he even listening to us?

Volt- What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I'm kind of loaded. Y'know...because I'm drunk on money.

[mooseheadjack]

Johnny Adrenaline walks into The Chickenshit Heels locker room, where—much to his surprise—Attitude Adjuster is in the middle of a 5-star promo.

AA: Defensestrators, your asses are ours at Midweek Mayhem this week in Pinor Del Rio, Cuba! Because AA Equals (sees Johnny out of the corner of his eye), err, AA and Johnny Adrenaline Equal Ratings!

(Turning to Johnny): Hey, didn’t see you there. We can fix that in post production.

JA: Wow, the great AA doing a promo. It’s been a while. What’s the deal?

AA: Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve been having a bit of a problem getting our $100,000 from the Nigerian Offshore Internet Betting Shop for winning the OOWF tag titles before September 1. Can you believe they think I made that bet in Naira? I didn’t even know what Nairas were until I Googled it. That’s $792.08 American. It’s worse than Canada! You’d think there’s a Civil War going on down there or something.

JA (with a pained expression on his face): Well, at least it’s just the $100,000 from the Nigerian Offshore Internet Betting Shop. I thought your recent disappearance had to do with your job or something. I think Moose was about ready to make me lose the titles in a 2–on-1 handicap match.

AA: Ix-nay on the real job-ay. Kayfabe-ay, remember.

JA: You have to be kidding me.

AA and JA just stare at each other until the canned laughter dies down.

AA: Anyway, we have an old score to settle. I’ve been watching Voltage and Ecosystem do this foreign masked guy gimmick for far too long. WE do the foreign masked guy gimmick! They can’t steal our gimmick! El Mierde de Pollos Rudos was gold! And now they’re killing it with (using air quote marks for emphasis) “Los Defensestrators.” We need to go to The Rick and ask for a Pollo Rudos vs. Los Defenstrators retirement match. That would be money!

JA: But we’ve never admitted to being El Mierde de Pollos Rudos. Ron Simmons and Ric Flair and Abdullah were El Mierde; Fly and Nayr were El Mierde; wCw were El Mierde. In fact, I’m not even sure that’s the right name.

AA: Well, I still think it would be money. Besides, there’s bigger issues now. Because the Defensestrators are now running around with that F. Fonzworth Cappington III guy, and he reminds me of someone. And when I remember, it’s gonna go down!

JA: Go down? You’ve been away too long. Besides, that’s FF Capslock doing a rich-guy gimmick.

AA: Nah, I’m sure that’s not it. Lock was my buddy. He wouldn’t do that.

JA stares at AA in disbelief.

AA: What?

Canned laughter ends the scene as the cameras fade out.

[mooseheadjack]

TCH hangs around after the promo ends, unaware that Invisible Ninja Cameraman is still taping.]

AA: Well, now what?

JA: I don't know. I'm just glad to see you back.

AA: Missed me?

JA: Well yeah. The Rick jumped me and kicked the shit out of me earlier. Yelling at me about some contract. I don't know what he was talking about... [grabs briefcase] ... look, all that's in here is the BOX O'PROMOS, the ONE TRUE MICROPHONE, and some Apter mags.



BA: Somebody say my name?

JA: Mr,.Apter!

BA: Hi Johnny, hi Alan.

AA: Fucking LOVE the writeup on the Freebirds. Sad about David, isn't it?

BA: Huh?

JA: Huh?

AA: It's in the mag there. Look, Johnny... it's in one of them. One of the best angles of all time.

BA: One of the what?

JA: Best angles?

BA: Guys... we're not using that kind of language here?

AA: We?? You came and found us.

BA: I'm just trying to lock down an interview with the hottest tag team in the busness today.

JA: Well, what can we say?

BA: Triple X wasn't available, so you guys it is.

JA: HEY! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??

AA: Yeah, you come in here and....

BA: [pulls out sandwiches] Sandwich?

AA: ...SURE!

JA: Look, Bill... we're going to be cutting the ULTIMATE PROMO here soon. We want you to be there to cover it.

BA: Well, I'd love to... but can we use a different name for it?

AA: It's gonna be a mission statement. Does that work?

BA: Works great. Now... about that team name.

[TCH throws their hands up in frustration as we fade out.]

[mooseheadjack]

<GM the Rick is sitting in his office mumbling to himself, obviously annoyed about something when the phone rings – through the miracle of TV we hear both ends of the conversation>

GMtR: WHAT?

Unknown Voice: I think I have a bit of information that might interest you

GMtR: Who the hell is this? I am in no mood for games

UV: Don’t worry about who this is, I represent someone in your company.

GMtR: You have about three seconds to start making sense, otherwise, I am hanging up the phone

UV: You know that contract you are holding in your hands right now?

GMtR: Yeah, wait, how the hell did you…..

UV: It doesn’t matter, that contract you are holding is not the real copy

GMtR: Who the hell is this? Of course this is the real thing I checked…..

UV: No, you haven’t. Go ahead, check with Legal, it is a copy. The original, however, is safely tucked away. Right here in my safe.

GMtR: Look Potsie, that contract has some……delicate information on it. A whole lot of people would not be real happy if some of the negotiations got out, and MY ass would be on the line.

UV: Look, Rick, I didn’t call you to make threats. I called to work out a deal. I know the negotiations are a bit….strenuous. My client is willing to expose the contract owner for the world to see. Should that happen, we can all but guarantee that that person will sign, and you will be off the hook.

GMtR: Oh really. And just what is this going to cost?

UV: Our terms are very reasonable. A title match will be granted, the stips on that match will be quite reasonable. Also, the party doing the work will face no punitive punishments should this fall through, we are extending ourselves to benefit the OOWF as a whole, wouldn’t you agree?

GMtR: <sighing> I don’t have much of a choice right now, do I?

UV: Not really. Rick, in the end, it will all work out.

GMtR: Or else, right?

UV: Don’t put words into my mouth Rick. I’ll be in touch. <Hangs up)

<Rick hangs up the phone, and sits back in the chair and takes a long swig of whiskey>

[mooseheadjack]

Stank - C'mon Spin.

Spin - Man... I... I can't do this.

Stank - Put the mask on.

Spin - Oh for chrissakes...

Stank - Alright let's go.

Drink & Destroy's theme song fires up as Stank and Spin Hansen walk out on the ramp to the decidedly mixed reaction from the crowd. Stank is wearing blue tights, red boots, red gloves, and a red cape. On his chest is stenciled a large red "S" inside an upside down yellow triangle background. Spin is sporting green trunks, green boots, a green vest, and Yellow cape with a tornado etched on it. Complimenting the whole get up he wears a "Robin" like green mask. The two men make their way to the ring. Stank grabs a mic. He waits for the noise to die down a bit before speaking.

Stank - Behold citizens! Your REAL HEROES of the OOWF!

The crowd ERUPTS in loud boos mixed with mild cheers.

Stank - You may think this "S" on my chest stands for "Superman" and no... though I am in every way a SUPER... man, this "S" of course stands for me... STANKMAN!

The crowd laughs and boos.

Stank - With me of course is my sidekick...

Spin - Sidekick?

Stank - Fine... Associate... is that better?

Spin irritably motions Stank to continue

Stank - My partner... TAILSPIN!

Spin bows to the boos of the crowd.

Stank - We are here to make RIGHT the WRONGS committed by those DASTARDLY, NO GOOD, DIABOLICAL, LEGION of LIARS, BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MUTATES, Friends of SKRULLS, Builders of SENTINELS, Partners of THANOS, Heralds of GALACTUS and recent guests of APOCALYPSE himself!! I am of course referring to... The so called HEROES GUILD!

The crowd cheers!

Stank - You cheer? You cheer the evil deeds of those who pretend to BE heroes?? We ARE your HEROES! WE are the ones who will RID the OOWF of this cancer! Your true HEROES. But I can see you don't believe me.

Very well.

You don't believe us... perhaps you'll believe THIS man...

The old 1960's theme music to "Spiderman" plays over the speakers as STAN LEE walks down the ramp to the cheers of the crowd. He timidly joins Drink & Destroy in the ring and is handed a mic. Stank leans in close to Lee.

Stank - Now say it just like we told you.

Lee - I don't know about this...

Stank - Just DO IT old man!

Lee - Alright sheesh. You don't have to yell.

Stan Lee lifts the mic to his lips.

Lee - Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you the REAL TRUE heroes of the WW-

Stank - *AHEM!*

Lee - I mean the OOWF! The Spectacular STANKMAN, The Terrific TAILSPIN, LADIES and GENTLEMEN I give you DRINK & DESTROY!!

Spin (grabbing the mic) - EXCELSIOR!!

Lee (Snatching the mic back)- Hey! That's MY line, kid!

Spin - Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.

Lee - Now, I know these two may not seem like Heroes, but just the other day, I saw Stankman swoop down and rescue a little kitten that got stuck in a tree.

On the OOWF-atron video is shown of Stank (in full Stankman regalia) pulling a little kitten down from a tree. The kitten purrs and nuzzles up against Stank's cheek.

Crowd - Awwwwwww.

Lee - And Tailspin over there. He helped an old lady cross the street, right out here in front of the arena.

Spin's deed is shown on the screen. The crowd awwws in response. The camera pans over to the very same old woman sitting in the front row. Spin leaves the ring to go over and give her a hug. The crowd applauds the gesture. Stank takes the mic from Stan Lee

Stank - You see? THESE are the actions of true HEROES... NOT like the cowardly deeds perpetrated by your so called HEROES Guild!

Sinister music plays as footage of Sterling Glaw making the three count against Ax-Man, Spin and Stank, in their numerous matches against Heroes Guild members, is shown on the big screen. The video ends with a graphic of The Kingpin, Maphisto, The Green Goblin, Loki, Mr. Sinister, The guy who killed Ben Parker, Toad, Iron Man, The Joker, Ultron, Baron Heinrich Zemo, The Leader, and Rob Liefeld. Superimposed over all them is a graphic of Concrete TG, Firechild, and Nayr the Hafling Luchadore subtitled "The Zeroes Guild"

Stank - There! THERE is your enemy!

Lee - Hey, how did that picture of The Joker get in there?

Stank - Look, the only thing YOU should be worried about is if the check's gonna bounce, capiche?

[mooseheadjack]

(Spin Hansen and Stank are in the back, talking to Stan Lee!)

Stan: I guess I'll be heading out, then.

Stank: Thanks again.

Spin: Yeah, Stan. You've made a True Believer out of me again. Oh, and one more thing?

Stan: Yes?

Spin: Do you have Basura's number? I'd hit that so hard that time itself would stop.

Stan: ... no. I'm leaving now.

Spin: Fine! I was a DC guy ANYWAY!

Stan: DC this!

(Stan Lee has leveled Spin with a surprisingly swift shot to the yambag! Spin is DOWN, and Stan covers! An unnamed referee appears and delivers a three count...)

Your NEW DDT Ironman Heavy Metal Champion, Stan "The Man" Lee!

Stan: Excelsior, bitch!

(Spin groans and pulls himself up... just as F. Fonzworth Cappington III blocks the door!)

Cappington: Where do you think that you're going, old man?

Stan: Away from here. Are the inmates running the asylum here or sommething?

Cappington: Jeeves, could you help me with something?

(Jeeves enters the scene.)

Cappington: Jeeves... Code Getty.

(Jeeves tackles Stan Lee, who collapses to the ground! Cappington walks over and places one foot on Lee's chest... one... two... three...)

YOUR NEW DDT Ironman Heavy Metal Champion, F. Fonzworth Cappington III!

[mooseheadjack]

(Phantos is writing on a notebook and Lucios is watching tape on Capellan & Viper)

Phantos: Man, I hope Moose can get us that championship match.

Lucios: He will. I trust Moose.

P: Why? We’d never even met him before

L: He seems to have a lot of pull around here. I trust him.

P: Still, When Rick finds out the contract we planted on Adrenaline is a fake...

L: Moose said he'd take care of that

P: That's a lot of trust in someone we never dealt with before.

L: Yes it is. I can't explain it, but I trust him.

P: I hope so man..... Hey I got it!!

L: What?

P: Our Team Name!!

L: What?

P: The Lightning Express!

L: That’s been used man.

P: Oh. By who?

L: Brad Armstrong and Tim Horner.

P: Man, I thought that was a good one too. You haven’t liked ANY of my ideas.

L: That should tell you something.

P: How about Victory Inc.? That’d sound very proper.

L: (groans) I told you to forget that stuff.

P: Why? I’d like a team name everyone else has one. Well, everyone else except Cappingtion, Voltage, and Ecosystem.

L: I just want to win matches.

P: I want to do that too. But It'd be cool to have a name to go by when they announce us as (Road-Dogg imitation) Tag Team Champions of the Woooooooooooooooorld.

L: Leave the promoing to the professionals. Let’s work on blocking this set-up for the Tsunami.. Watch this (points remote @ screen and we fade to black)

[mooseheadjack]

<We cut to GM the Rick’s Office where Moose is sitting in the chair with his share of the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship while GM the Rick is pacing>

MHJ: So what the hell am I going to do with my share of this title? How the hell am I supposed to do a 24/7 Iron Man match? How convoluted would THAT get?

GMtR: What? Look, that isn’t my problem right now…..

MHJ: Well, it kind of is, you ARE the GM, these things fall on your head. Heavy hangs the crown and all that

GMtR: Funny. Honestly I don’t give a damn what you do with that title

MHJ: Fine, then mine will remain the 24/7 title, just like the other one, and those other two chuckleheads keep their stips, right Rick?

GMtR: Fine, whatever, I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT A TITLE THAT WAS HELD BY HALF A DEAD SPARROW!!!

MHJ: So what the hell is sanding your vagina then? Erlana get a taste of some dark meat or something?

GMtR:<Glaring at Moose> You know DAMN WELL what is pissing me off. How the hell is it that YOU got hold of that contract?

MHJ: I have my ways. Besides, why do you care?

GMtR: Why do I care? Oh gee Moose, I don’t know, why would I care that it is MY ass on the line here?

MHJ: You worry too much, seriously is Erlana not putting out anymore? Maybe you can call Smoley, I hear he isn’t dead.

GMtR: Fuck you Moose. I want that contract back, that has to be signed.

MHJ: You know damn well if it hasn’t been signed now, he is playing hardball, you want him back, no questions asked? You do this my way.

GMtR: You can’t guarantee anything

MHJ: Please, I know how he works, the sheer embarrassment of the accusation of this will cause him to sign, no questions asked. But, once that is done, you live up to your end of it too.

GMtR: Why the hell would you care that Phantos & Lucios get a tag title shot?

MHJ: They did me a favor, so I return it

GMtR: They stole the contract from my desk!

MHJ: So? Why the hell was something “so important” left lying around on your desk? With this crew? Damn Rick, its almost like you hoped something like this would happen so you didn’t have to deal with it.

GMtR: Careful tossing out accusations there Moose

MHJ: Look, you want me to handle this, or do you want it back and risk looking like a total ass?

GMtR:<sighing> Fine. When are you going to take care of this? And so help me Moose, if this doesn’t work, you will be curtain jerking and jobbing to SYB for all eternity!

MHJ: I’ll take care of it after the pay per view. And don’t worry, it’ll work. Trust me.

<Moose gets up and leaves, Rick continues to pace around the office>

[mooseheadjack]

(El Ecosistema and El Voltaje are sitting in a classroom with Snoop Dogg.)

Snoop Dogg: Hey, dizzle fizzles.

Ecosistema: Hola.

Voltaje: Buenos dias.

Snoop Dogg: Now as yall know, the D-O-Double-G has been hired as an English as a second language teacher by The Man. And so, I'm gon teach you all some English, aiight?

Ecosistema: Si.

Voltaje: Vale.

Snoop Dogg: No, no. Say "aiight".

Ecosistema: Aiight.

Voltaje: Aiight.

Snoop Dogg: Okay. First lesson: say "Look! The Po-Po!"

Ecosistema: Mira! La policia! Vamos!

Snoop Dogg: But in English.

Voltaje: Pero en Ingles.

Snoop Dogg: Naw, naw. You bizzles got it wrong. Say "Look! The Po-Po!" in English.

Eco/Volt: Mira! La policia en Ingles!

Snoop Dogg: Naw, naw. Maybe I gotta talk your language. Uh, El say, El look the po-po, in the Ingles.

Voltaje: Que?

Snoop Dogg: El you el know, el I el need el you el to el just el say el look the po-po.

Ecosistema: Que? El look the po-po?

Snoop Dogg: Yeah, bizzle! That's bien, nigga.

Ecosistema: ...

Snoop Dogg: Oh, sorry, you ain't black. You're one of them slanty-eye people.

Ecosistema: Actualmente, yo estoy hispanico.

Snoop Dogg: Ah, chicos, slanty-eyes, s'all good.

Voltaje: Tu estas un racista.

Snoop Dogg: Yeah, dawg. Church.

Ecosistema: Donde esta Kerwin White?

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Pinar Del Rio, Cuba

F. FONZWORTH CAPPINGTON III vs. SYB

F. Fonzworth Cappington III makes his way to the ring first, accompanied by Lance, who is carrying a tray with a bottle of champagne and a glass. FFC steps into the ring and sips the Champagne as SYB stomps down the aisle. SYB marches up to FFC and gets in his face, explaining in great detail what he’s going to do. FFC sighs, passes the glass to Lance, and slaps the taste out of SYB’s mouth. SYB recoils, and FFC hits him with three straight rights, a kick to the stomach and a knee lift. SYB collapses to the mat, and FFC rolls him over with a swift kick. SYB attempts to struggle out of a body slam attempt, but FFC drops him across his knee, then drops him to the mat. SYB gets slowly to his feet, and FFC levels him with a clothesline. FFC hits a suplex, then backs SYB into the corner for a series of chops. SYB attempts to reverse an Irish whip, but FFC pulls him back and Belly-to-Belly suplexes him into the corner. SYB hits the turnbuckles upside down and falls to the mat. FFC scrapes SYB off the mat and hoists him across his shoulders in a backbreaker. He drops SYB with a reverse DVD, and SYB hits hard enough to bounce, rolling in the air and landing on his back. FFC sits on the top turnbuckle and gestures to Lance, who hands him the refilled glass. FFC takes a long sip of champagne, hands the glass back, and climbs onto the top rope. A flying leg drop sends SYB into convulsions, and FFC gets the academic three count.
WINNER in 4:17, F Fonzworth Cappington III
.
After the match: FFC reclaims his glass, drains it, and drops it on SYB’s forehead where it shatters, drawing blood.

HARDBODY HARRIS vs. APOCALYPTIC EXISTENCE

Harris is still posing to the crowd when AE jumps him from behind laying in some stiff shots to the kidneys, then whipping Harris to the ropes. Harris holds onto the ropes however and takes AE down unawares with a clothesline. He blows a kiss to a girl in the front row, and does a few press ups then jumps up to his feet. AE is gettng to his feet and Harris grabs him and measures him for a right hand. BAM. AE staggers, but Harris grabs him and measures him for another. BAM. AE goes down to one knee, but Harris lifts him and measures him a third time. BAM. AE staggers to the ropes and bounces back, as Harris sings “I am the…” and grabs the dazed AE and drops him with the One and Only for 1-2 NO! Hardbody picks AE up and smiles, the climbs a turnbuckle and does an appreciation clap to the crowd. AE gets up however and climbs after Harris and tries to power bomb him, but Harris just pokes him in the eye, and punches him down into the corner 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-pause-8-9-longer pause-10. Harris jumps back and poses as AE slumps into the corner. Hardbody picks him up and whips him to the ropes and lifts him high with a back body drop. AE hits the canvas hard and Harris climbs the turnbuckle, blowing kisses and posing as he goes and as AE gets to his feet, Harris dives off and nails him with the #1 DOUBLE AXE-HANDLE IN THE OOWF. Harris poses again waiting for AE to get to his feet. AE tries to fight back and attempts to hook Harris for a vertebreaker, but gets shrugged off and it’s TO BE EDITED IN LATER for the pin and the academic 1-2-3.
WINNER in 4:18 - HARDBODY HARRIS

UNDERDAWG & MOOSEHEAD JACK vs. LOS DEFENESTRATORS

Los Defenestratores enter the ring first. They put on a brave front, but seem to be more than a little concerned about their opposition. Moosehead Jack strolls down the aisle and waits as the lights go out and Underdawg makes his entrance. UD and Jack slide into the ring and referee Angelo Barros immediately calls for the bell. Jack corners Voltaje as UD lunges at Ecosistema, who slides out of the ring. UD follows him and takes a dropkick to the shin. UD stumbles, and Eco slams his face into the apron before diving into the ring. Los Def double team Jack and whip him across the ring, hitting a tandem backdrop. They turn around and are met by a double goozle from UD. Without hesitation, Los Def deliver twin kicks to the nether regions (conveniently missed by Barros). UD pales and falls to the mat, and Los Def hit opposite ropes and drop a pair of leg drops. Barros takes the opportunity to restore order, and gets Eco and Jack to their corners. Volt covers UD, but gets thrown off at two. UD struggles to his feet, and Volt goes for a neck breaker, But UD blocks and reverses into a side slam. UD rolls to his corner and tags Jack, who storms the ring as Volt makes the tag. Jack levels Eco with a clothesline, then picks him up and shoves him into the corner. A chop rocks Eco, and a second one knocks him off his feet. Jack pulls Eco out of the corner and sets up the Heart Punch, but Volt is in to break it up. As Barros sends Volt out, Jack kicks Eco low and drops him with a DDT, then removes the pad from the top turnbuckle. Jack whips Eco across the ring and follows him in with a clothesline. He attempts to whip him back into the exposed turnbuckle, but Eco reverses. Jack puts on the brakes and stops short of the corner. He turns around and eats a dropkick. Eco dives for his corner, but Jack grabs his ankle and drags him back. Jack tosses him into the corner and tags UD. Jack chokes Eco as UD hits a series of shots to the body. UD scoops Eco up for a power slam, but Eco slips out. He dives between UD’s legs and makes the tag. Jack enters the ring as well, and we have a pier 4 brawl. UD levels Volt with a big boot, and he and Jack go after Eco. They throw him into the exposed corner, and UD whips Jack in after him. Eco moves, and Jack hits the turnbuckle face-first. Eco throws a stunned Jack from the ring and ducks a haymaker from UD as Volt pulls himself onto the apron. Eco hits a drop kick, sending UD stumbling to the middle of the ring. Eco hits the ropes behind UD as Volt jumps to the top rope in front of him. Eco goes low with a chop block, as Volt hits a springboard clothesline – El Defenestration Total!! Volt makes the cover and Eco dives to the outside, leveling Jack as Barros makes the count.
WINNERS in 10:12, Los Defenestratores.

After the match: It’s hard to say who’s more shocked, Underdawg, who slowly sits up, or Voltaje, who slides from the ring and collects Eco before backing quickly up the ramp.

JW WESTGAARD vs. OUTBACK JACK

Both men are announced, Jack comes to the ring with a bottle of beer, enjoying an adult beverage as he heads to the ring. Out of nowhere Westgaard hops the guard rail and blindsides Jack, sending him hard into the guard rail. JWW mounts Jack and hammers away with shots to the face. Westgaard pulls Jack to his feet and sends him into the steel steps. Westgaard grabs a chair and tries to swing it, but Jack kicks the chair back into Westgaard’s face, JWW staggers, and we see the chair opened a nasty cut above Westgaard’s eye that is pouring blood. Jack gets to his feet and grabs JWW’s head and slams it onto the guard rail spraying the folks in the first row with blood, you get what you pay for in the OOWF! Westgaard staggers away and Jack measures him and drops him with a clothesline. Now it is Jack’s turn to mount Westgaard and hammer away, opening the cut further and causing Westgaard to really wear the crimson mask now. Westgaard stops the onslaught with a scientific double thumb to the eye. Jack yells and staggers away, Westgaard gets to his feet and grabs a chair and slams it across Jack’s back, then slams him face first into the steel ring post. Now it is Jack’s turn to get busted open the hard way. Westgaard doesn’t appear content with just that, he grabs a chain and wraps it around his fist and hammers the side of Jack’s head, trying to do to Jack what Greg Valentine did to Roddy Piper! Soon blood is pouring from the side of Jack’s head. Finally Westgaard pulls Jack up and rolls him under the ropes into the ring. Jack gets to his feet and tries to walk, but his equilibrium is screwed up and he just staggers and falls to one knee. Westgaard hits the ropes and connects with a boot to the side of the head that sends Jack sprawling across the ring. Jack crawls to the corner and pulls himself up using the ropes, Jack seems to have figured out that a lack of equilibrium is pretty much the same as being hammered, so he is doing pretty well for himself. Westgaard thinks Jack right where he wants him and charges into the corner, but Jack catches him with a straight right cross that drops Westgaard flat. Jack falls on him and gets a two count, but JWW manages to roll his shoulder. Westgaard gets to his feet, but when he turns around Jack catches him with a spear into the corner, the back of Westgaard’s head slams against the turnbuckle. Jack grabs Westgaard’s legs and pulls him to the center of the ring and tries to lock on the Dingo Breaker (STF) but Westgaard fights it by biting Jack’s arm. Jack breaks the hold and tries to pull Westgaard to his feet, but JWW nails him with a low blow. Jack crumples to the mat, Westgaard rolls under the bottom rope to the floor to regain his composure. Jack gets on his feet and Westgaard is sitting on the apron, it appears he has something in his hand. Jack pulls JWW up by the hair and has him up for a belly to back suplex back into the ring, now we see what Westgaard was hiding, he smashes Jack’s beer bottle right into his face, the referee didn’t see a thing! Jack falls backward and Westgaard lands on top of him, the referee counts three and this one is history.
WINNER in 11:41 – J.W. Westgaard

CAPELLAN & VIPER vs. PHANTOS & LUCIOS

Capellan and Lucios to start, and Cap looks up to the big man for the stare down of death! L shoves him away, but Cap charges and jumps on him, taking him down to the mat for some punches. L kicks him off and thru the ropes, but Cap drags him to the floor, then rolls back in. L rolls in, but Cap stomps him upon re-entry. Cap works him all the way over to the corner for a tag to Viper. Some double team work and DV gets a ghetto blaster. Phantos in, but Viper nails him with a high backdrop, and Cap somersaults in with a leg drop on him. C&V Irish whip P&L into each other. Viper bulldogs Lucios, and Cap German suplexes Phantos OVER THE TOP and to the floor in a crazy bump. More double teaming on the big guy, as referee Hale can’t get control of this match. Lucios fights out however, sending Viper back to a corner, then hitting Cap with a HUGE belly to belly throw. Avalanche to Viper misses though, but DV misses the old DEATH ELBOW~! Lucios tackles him down on the rebound. Phantos back in with a guillotine leg drop to Capellan, then a springboard moonsault on Viper. Cover gets two as Hale tries to maintain some order. P&L with some double teaming in the corner. Viper tries to fight out, trips up Phantos, but gets beat down by Lucios. But as Phantos crawls up, Cap runs across the ring, jumps of P’s back and hits Lucios with a modified DRAGON KICK~! The big guy sells it like a champ going all the way thru the ropes and to the floor. C& V take turns beating on Phantos, but Lucios then comes back in and shoulder tackles all three guys to the floor. He follows out and we brawl out there, and referee Hale – having not gotten control after nearly ten minutes of a match – just throws it out.
WINNERS at 9:21: NO CONTEST.

LD WILLIAMS vs. DAVIN MORELAND

Moreland is announced first and makes his way to the ring, Williams is out next, the two men eye each other in the center of the ring then head back to their corners and wait for the bell. Referee Gavin Hale calls for the bell and both men come to the center of the ring and slowly circle. Collar and elbow lock up, Williams grabs an arm wringer, Moreland reverses it, Williams backs him into the corner and Hale calls for a clean break, and surprisingly we get it. Both men back to the center of the ring, another tie up, this time Williams gets a knee in doubling over Moreland, but before Williams can take advantage of it, Moreland sweeps Williams’ leg and takes him to the mat. Moreland grabs Williams’s leg and drops an elbow across his knee, then bends his leg back. Williams tries to free himself with a pull of the hair, but Hale warns him. Moreland gets to his feet, holding onto the leg and lands a few stiff kicks to the hamstring. Moreland tries a crab, but Williams kicks him square in the face and sends him back into the corner. As Williams is getting to his feet, Moreland charges trying for a running knee lift, but Williams drops him with a clothesline. Williams stomps Moreland on the side of the head, then heads to the corner and climbs to the second rope. As Moreland gets to his feet, Williams leaps and connects with an elbow right between the eyes. Williams grabs a stunned Moreland and pulls him up in a vertical suplex, then drops him across the top rope stomach first. Now Williams hits the ropes and connects with a running knee lift that sends Moreland to the floor. LD Williams leaves the ring and waits on the apron for Moreland to get to his feet, when he does, Williams charges for a Thesz Press, but Moreland catches him and reverses it to a release belly to belly suplex that sends Williams into about the fourth row of seats! The crowd breaks out the appropriate HOLY SHIT chant. Moreland hops the rail and goes after Williams, LDW throws a chair that hits Moreland in the face, staggering him for a moment, Williams grabs Moreland and drop toe holds him on another chair, then drops a knee on the back of his head as he lays face down on the floor. Moreland is in trouble now, Williams pulls him to his feet and throws him over the guardrail, then rolls him back into the ring. Williams covers but only gets a two count. Williams pulls Moreland to his feet and hits a northern lights suplex, bridges and gets another two count. This time Williams gets to his feet and argues a bit with the referee. Meanwhile Moreland gets to his feet, Williams turns and ducks a Moreland clothesline, then kicks Moreland in the guy and tries for another suplex, but Moreland slips over and lands on his feet, spins Williams around and hits a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER in the center of the ring, Moreland pounces, hooks both legs, and gets the three count just before Williams kicks out!
WINNER in 12:58 – Davin Moreland

Moreland gets his arm raised in victory, but Williams is on his feet and blind sides him. Williams grabs Moreland and PLANTS him on the mat with a sick DDT, then glares at him for a few moments before heading to the back.

NAYR vs. KNIFE – OOWF Onslaught Championship Match

Knife wanders to the ring again, once again looking a little confused and lost. He climbs between the ropes and immediately kneels in silent prayer. Nayr is announced next and sprints to the ring like he normally does, slides under the ropes, and immediately Knife gets to his feet and drops a leg across Nayr’s head. The referee grabs the title and calls for the bell, and this one is under way. Knife stomps on Nayr, then pulls him up and sends him to the corner, but Nayr climbs the ropes and flips over a charging Knife, Knife puts on the breaks before hitting the corner, turns around and Nayr catches him and monkey flips him out of the corner, then heads to the top rope. As soon as Knife gets to his feet, Nayr leaps and takes Knife over with a hurracarana that sends Knife under the bottom rope. Nayr is on his feet again, and this time he tries a baseball slide, but Knife side steps, grabs Nayr and pulls him into a clothesline. Knife pulls Nayr to his feet and hits a snap suplex on the floor that draws a warning from the referee. Knife rolls Nayr under the bottom rope, then follows. Knife pulls Nayr up and rocks him with a series of European uppercuts, then sends him to the ropes and buries a knee into his midsection, then takes him over with a tilt-a-whirl suplex, hits the ropes and drops a knee across Nayr’s chest, covers and gets a two count. Knife pulls Nayr to a sitting position and locks on a cobra clutch type move, standing up and leaning forward putting all his weight on the back of Nayr’s head and cutting off his air. Nayr fights it, but then begins to fade. The referee checks Nayr’s arm, and it drops twice, it is headed down for the third time when Nayr gets a burst of adrenaline and hulks to his feet. Nayr hits a couple of elbows to the mid section, then hits the ropes and gets NAILED with the STAB! This one is over! Knife covers, one, two, thre…NO! Somehow Nayr got his foot on the bottom rope! Knife is beside himself, he pulls the former Paladin to his feet and plants him on the mat with a body slam, then heads to the top rope and tries a leg drop, but Nayr rolls out of the way. Knife springs right to his feet and Nayr takes him over to the corner and hits a Tornado DDT! Nayr is fired up now, he springs to the top rope and waits for Knife to get to his feet, then lands a perfect missile drop kick. Nayr pulls Knife to his feet and sets him on the top rope, he gets under Knife and lifts him on his shoulders NAYR ROLL from the second rope! But wait! As Nayr lands the move and rolls through to his feet, Moosehead Jack is standing right there and drops Nayr with a HEART PUNCH! The referee immediately calls for the bell!
WINNER in 12:02 by Disqualification – Nayr

Moose stands and looks at Nayr for a moment as he struggles to get to his feet. Moose reaches out and helps him up…right into a short arm clothesline. Moose pulls him up once more and plants him on the mat with a DDT. Jack sits on the mat and looks at the fallen Nary, then over to Knife, who is on one knee holding his ribs looking at Moose. Jack looks at Knife, then laughs and slides out of the ring and heads to the back.

THE CHICKENSHIT HEELS vs. DEFENESTRATORS – OOWF World Tag Team Title Match

Johnny and AA don’t look too happy to be here tonight for whatever reason. Eco and AA start things off, and AA overpowers him and does jumping jacks to taunt him. But Voltage walks down the apron and forearms him down. Eco comes over to stomp the hell out of him, but that draws Johnny in and we get a pier sixer early. Johnny gets sent to the floor, and AA runs to clothesline both Eco and Voltage out to the floor, but they backdrop AA over the top, and he lands on Adrenaline. Baseball slides for both, and TCH takes a walk. They milk an 8 count before returning to the ring, and the champs pow wow in the corner before going at it again. Johnny in now, and he squares off with Voltage, but Volt uses his speed to gain the advantage. Johnny elbows out and works a headlock, but Volt wiggles loose and dropkicks him down. Majistral cradle gets a two count, and the challengers work Johnny over in the corner. Some cheap double teaming draws the ref’s ire and AA comes in to break it up, and we get another brawl. AA takes down Eco, then Voltage, and then Capps grabs Johnny and throws him out to the floor. Everyone brawls on the floor, and Ecosystem hip tosses Adrenaline over the guardrail and into a mass of fans on the floor. Voltage and AA brawl back into the ring, but Johnny’s legal and referee Barros has a count up to 6. Seven as Johnny tries to pull himself up on the railing. Eight, and Johnny’s arms give out and he falls back to the floor. Nine as Eco realizes what’s happening and tries to drag Johnny back over the rail, but it’s too late. Adrenaline is counted out.
WINNERS by COUNTOUT at 7:02: THE DEFENESTRATORS. The Chickenshit Heels retain the tag team titles.

Eco lets Johnny go in frustration at the bell, and JA pops up like nothing was wrong and tries to leave, having played possum to get counted out. But Voltage flies over the top with a plancha onto Johnny, and he and Eco work on Johnny on the floor. But AA comes around the other side of the ring and nails both Voltage and Eco from behind with a tag team title belt. He and Johnny grabs the belts and the briefcase and leaves up the ramp. But before they get to the curtain, LOS DEFENESTRATORS come thru the curtain and jump them!! What the hell is going on here??? Volt and Eco watch this development from ringside in confusion, and the masked me leave the tag team champs laying.

STANK & SPIN HANSEN vs. CONCRETE TG & FIRECHILD – No Rules, Anything Goes Match

Crete and Firechild enter together, to Crete’s Heroes Guild music and hold up their belts in unison, then stand on the outside, talking strategy, and looking around, expecting to be jumped before the bell. White Zombie erupts from the speakers as Spin makes his entrance, he seems focused and waits at the foot of the ramp, and downs a bottle of Jagermeister as Stankionia burst through the speakers and Stank makes his entrance. Stank slides straight into the ring and marches up to the apron, pointing and talking trash at the Heroes. Spin follows, more calmly onto the ring. Firechild and Crete slide in, and both teams talk for a second, until Concrete and Stank stay in, as Firechild and Spin step out onto the apron and the bell rings. Stank charges across the ring at CTG, who evades his first wild haymaker, steps under his guard and hits him with a series of blows to the ribs. Stank swings down, but CTG steps aside and uses the momentum of the larger mans swing to take him down to the mat, and pull his arm behind his back. Close to his corner, he tags Firechild in and Firechild nails Stank with an over the rope hilo and Crete releases the arm, and steps onto the apron. Stank is pissed off and charges at Firechild, who drop toeholds him, and tries to roll on the D-Tuner, but Stank kicks him away and climbs to his feet. Once again, the righteously aggrieved Stank charges at Firechild, who isn’t so quick this time and gets clipped with a haymaker. Stank grabs him and hits a crashing belly to belly suplex and covers for 1-2-NO! Firechild kicks out. Now closer to his own corner Stank tags Spin in, and Hansen comes in, frothing at the mouth and drags Firechild to his feet. Firechild isn’t out though and goes dead weight and cradles Spin for a one count. Hansen is enraged and gets to his feet first, and lays some stiff boots to Firechild’s back as he tries to get to his feet. Spin grabs him and whips him across the ring and meets him coming back with a ferocious tackle. Firechild drops like a felled tree and Spin drags him to his feet, roars in his face, then head butts him and drops him with a Muscle Buster. Spin covers for 1-2-NO! Concrete breaks the hold. Stank roars out of his corner and clotheslines Concrete over the top rope as he heads back to his corner and Spin laughs then turns round to attend to Firechild, but has kipped up and Spin takes a boot to the guts and feels the DEVILDRIVER for…no count. Firechild looks confused and sees the referee shouting at Crete and Stank to return to their corners. He pulls himself to his feet, then looks to the outside, to the unmoving Spin, and then up to the crowd. He shouts “For Justice, and Sterling Glaw!” and mounts the turnbuckle. The crowd goes nuts as he gets to the top and hits a picture perfect Shooting Star Press, driving his knees HARD into Spin Hansen’s torso. He covers and the referee drops and counts 1-2 NO! Stank is back in the ring and has nailed Firechild across the back with a chair. The camera pans to the outside where we see Concrete in a heap at ringside, blood seeping from the corner of his mouth. The referee jumps up to remonstrate Stank and Stank laughs and shouts “No RULES idiot!” into his face. Firechild drags himself to his feet using the ropes, his legs still jelly after the fall, and takes a massive chair shot straight to the face, busting him wide open. Stank roars with laughter, then check on Spin, who is wheezily getting to his feet. Spin rolls out of the ring and grabs a table as Stank picks up the hurting Firechild and lifts him onto the turnbuckle. Spin sets up the table in the middle of the ring and shouts “It’s ready.” Stank roars and hoists Firechild onto his shoulders and nails him through the table with a Stank-U off the top turnbuckle. FIRECHILD IS DEAD, DEAD, DEAD! Stank covers lazily for 1-2-NO! Concrete TG nails him in the face with a Shining Wizard to break the pin. Spin cuts Concrete off with a right hand, but Concrete is full of the fury of righteousness and no sells it, kicks Spin in the gut and nails him with a Long Arm of the Law. Spin rolls out of the ring as Stank recovers from the blow to the face and squares off with Concrete. The crowd goes absolutely batshit as these two implacable foes face off, getting centimeters from each others face, constantly talking trash for an eternal moment until both men start throwing punches at the same time. The crowd roars as Stank rocks CTG with a right hand, a left, then a right but Concrete takes the last blow to the side of the head, steps inside Stanks guard, stamps on his foot and then uppercuts him. Stank staggers backwards, but Concrete nails a southpaw uppercut, keeping him rocked, then whips him forward and drop toeholds him into the ropes. Concrete gets to his feet as Stank is held up on the second rope, and he signals to the crowd and hits a C-T-G. knocking Stank back into the middle of the ring. He stands on the apron, then jumps onto the top rope to hit a springboard leg drop, but Spin has crawled onto the apron and tosses the ring bell at Concrete, smashing him in the side and killing his momentum. Concrete drops to earth like a broken star, as Stank clears the cobwebs and Spin slides into the ring, this time holding two chairs. Spin tosses one of the chairs to Stank, and kicks some of the wreckage of the table aside and they line Concrete up for a Con-chair-to. They aim the chairs at Concretes skull, but the chairs hit harmlessly off each other, as Firechild slides into the ring, and takes Concrete’s legs out, saving him from the debilitating blow. Both Spin and Stank’s arms are strained from the jarring impact of the chairs and Firechild uses their distraction to regain the advantage, grabbing Spin by the head and sending him face first into the turnbuckle. Stank has recovered and lines up a chair shot at Firechild’s bloodied face, but Firechild steps aside, grabs Stank for a DDT and floats over, and the chair falls from Stanks hand. For a moment, Firechild is left as the last man standing in the ring, with a chair inches from his hands and his foes for a second at his mercy. He reaches for it, then stops, and turns to grab Stank, then turns back to the chair. He picks the weapon up, and raises it high over Stank as the bigger man starts to move again. He is about to bring it down, when he finds that he can’t. He looks round, and Concrete is holding the other side of the chair. They have an impassioned discussion, with Firechild getting increasingly heated. Firechild grabs the chair from Concrete and tosses it aside, and the teammates go nose to nose, Concrete trying to look calm as Firechild shouts and gesticulates wildly, slapping his hands together to pantomime a 1-2-3. Firechild shouts and audible “Fuck You” at Concrete then turns around, right into a blow from the ring bell from Stank. Firechild staggers, the wound on his head being reopened and bleeding a gusher and he is laid low with a big boot, right to the face, and rolls out of the ring. Concrete looks shocked, but evades Stank’s next blow with the ringbell, kicks him in the guts and in a display of incredible strength and determination he lifts Stank and nails him with the Final Justice. Concrete flops over Stank for the 1-2 NO! Spin Hansen drags Concrete off of Stank, head butts him and lifts him high for a SPINAL Justice. However as Spin lifts Concrete over his head, Firechild spears him out of his socks, and Concrete drops to the floor, holding his face. Firechild sits astride Spin, punching into his face with some real venom, then gets off and drags Spin to the ropes and starts choking him with them. Concrete drags Firechild off and they argue again. Crete audibly says “not our way, like this” and charges up to Spin, and hits another C-T-G, which bounces Spin back into the ring, where Firechild meets his staggering form with a Power Slide. Child goes to cover, but Stank looms over him, holding a battered chair. Firechild dodges the blow, and grabs the chair out of his hands and raises it high, but Concrete shouts “NO!” and Firechild is distracted, allowing Stank to whip Firechild to the ropes, knocking Concrete to the floor and Stank smashes Firechild with a power slam as he comes back. Spin is back to his feet and Stank kicks a chair over to him, and they wait for Firechild to get to his feet and smash him with the conchaito. Firechild crumples and Spin falls over and makes the pretty academic pin-fall.
WINNERS in 27:18, via pin-fall, representing Drink & Destroy - Spin Hansen & Stank

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