Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 17:29:29 GMT -5
FFC - Are you trying to suggest that not ONLY did MY family know yours back in eighteen sixty whatever ago, but that WE... OWNED THEM... as...
Stank - It's cool man. That was a long ti- wait a minute.
FFC - ...
Stank - ...
SFJ#99 - ...
FFC - ... ...
Stank - What the hell is going on...
SFJ#99 - Wow this is WAY better than your story, Capslock.
Stank - Whoa Deja Vu... I feel like I've told this tale... before...
FFC - What am I doing here anyway?? I'm not part of Drink & Destroy anymore??
Stank - Yeah I remember this... this was a pretty damn good promo. It touched off what should be in the running for angle of the year when the awards come around.
Disembodied Voice: Unless, of course, someone wants to nominate this angle.
Stank: Who said that?
Disembodied Voice: ...no one.
FFC - ... I'm LOADED!
Stank - ... Shouldn't you be standing around with the Defenestrators somwhere?
FFC - What are you muttering about?
Stank - I... I don't KNOW! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
FFC - I got to get outta here!
[FFC runs out of the destroyitarium to catch up with Eco and Voltage. Stank wanders off muttering to himself.
Meanwhile The Defenstrators are running away and Voltage runs into a pole. Voltage is knocked out.]
Eco - Volt! You okay?
Volt - (getting up) Voltage: Woo! Rock and roll! I'm the gnarliest double champ EVER.
Ecosystem - Way to go, dude. Totally bitchin'.
Volt - Please don't steal my radical gimmick.
Eco - OK.
Volt - So all I need to do now is capture the Black Sabbath title to become th-
Eco - The what?
Volt - I don't know. Someone was supposed to cut me off.
Williams: ME! I'M CUTTING YOU OFF! THIS PROMO IS OVER!!!
Cappington - (running in) Sorry. "The Black Sabbath Title"?
Volt - Iron Man. You know, 'duh-nuh duh-NUH NUH nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh narhhhhh nuh-NUH NUH!'
Eco - ...
Volt - Will you know it if I air guitar at the same time?
(Stank returns from a bathroom break)
FFCIII - You're back!
Stank - AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
FFCIII: ...sorry.
Stank: Wait. What's Williams doing here?
LDW: (grabbing Stank) You have to save me.
Stank: But I couldn't save you the last three times.
LDW: I DON'T CARE! SAVE ME!!!
(CTG walks into the scene)
Eco: Finally! Maybe the resident Superhero will save us?
LDW: Or at least trade me out?
CTG: Save? You realize you're all villains here.
Volt: Which means...wait...we are? Really? Not at this point at least.
CTG: (Glances around)
Voltage - WE SHOULD HAVE WON THE DEFENESTRATION MATCH SINCE WE ARE CLEARLY MORE OVER AS HEELS BEING IN A STABLE WITH AN ESTABLISHED SUPERHEEL CHARACTER!
CTG: YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!
Stank - ...
Eco - ...
Volt - ...
FFCIII - ...
Stank - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Eco - AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Volt - AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
El Voltaje - AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
El Ecosistema: No estoy diciendo nada.
FFCIII - AHHHHHHH!
CTG: What?
(Moose runs in.)
MHJ: What?
Eco: I think this is where you heartpunch Volt.
MHJ: Right (Moose heartpunches Voltage and he collapses to the floor) What the hell is HE (pointing to Crete) doing here?
Eco: Putting us under arrest?
LDW: Giving me false hope?
FFCIII: This promo needed more faces?
Eco: YES! We needed more faces, and uh, Crete was recruiting for the Latin American Chapter of The Heroes Guild.
Ecosistema: Donde esta superhero?
CTG: Citizen Moose!
Williams: Concrete! Help me! Say something about my current match this week!
Eco - I thought you were facing Moose's buddies.
Stank - That was last week.
Williams: NO! I'M FACING SPIN!
El Voltaje - Escucha el sir, tú es hermoso pero estás perdiendo nuestro tiempo. Volver por favor la correa a mi colega.
(Listen sir, you are handsome but you are wasting our time. Please return the belt to my colleague.)
Volt - <recovered now>Right on, amigo. So, as I was saying, after I win the Black Sabbath titl-
Eco - What does that mean again?
Volt - Black Sabbath. Iron Man. Latter is a song by the former.
Eco - I like that, let's go with it.
Volt - Just go stand in the corner, OK?
Eco - Concrete, he's a bad guy, can you do something?
*Davin Moreland wanders in*
DM - Now guys...Wasn't I in this promo before?
Eco - Yes, but you are the epitome of teh suck, so you've been written out.
DM - Written out?!?! You wrote me out of quite possibly the BEST PROMO EVAR??
Williams: (grabbing Davin Moreland) DAVIN! YOU CUT A PROMO OUTSIDE OF THIS ONE! YOU CAN BREAK IT!
Volt - Don't listen Davin! Go, like, beat some random person up for no reason.
DM - What if I say no?
Eco - Concrete?
Williams: NOOO!!!
(CTG goes to grab Clangy...and he's not there.)
CTG: Huh?
Eco: Oh, I think you gave him to me.
(Ecosystem pulls out two Clangy Poles.)
DM: ...Which one is mine?
CTG: You can have them both. I'll grab something else to hit you with.
(CTG reaches out and grabs...CAPELLAN AND VIPER!)
Capellan: Woo-hoo! We're in the promo!
Viper: I hope that's a good thing.
(CTG smashes Davin over the head with Capellan and Viper. Davin has fallen.)
Williams: Thank you sir, can I get one too?
CTG: Nope, Capellan and Viper were only for Davin
Eco - No. I feel like we established that.
Williams: Hit me too, I deserve it!
El Ecosistema - Normalmente, antes de Concrete llega.
Eco - Ah.
CTG: ?
Eco - Nope.
(CTG hands Clangy to Ecosystem.)
CTG - Teach him to respect continuity.
Eco: But you just broke continuity by handing me a pole that I already have. In duplicate.
Williams: I hate continuity too! Ecosystem has had multiple real names! Kenji broke the fourth wall! SOME HERO YOU ARE!
(CTG gives Williams the CEMENT MIXER!)
Williams: (on the ground) That won't fix anything. (passes out.)
Volt - ANYWAY, once I've unified these belts into the TRIPLE CROWN...DDT...IRON MAN...HEAVY METAL TITLE, I will be the most acclaimed wrestler in all of OOWF history! Three belts at once!
FFC - Pretty sure a dead sparrow held that title. 4 times.
Volt - SHUT UP, ECO!
Stank - Eco is clearl- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MHJ: Look, I have things to do, wait, this promo keeps repeating over and over, right?
Eco: Sure seems that way
<Moose turns and knocks the Key Grip to the ground, grabs his chair and PASTES Crete over the head with it, knocking him to the ground out cold>
Cappington: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
MHJ: Wait till the next promo, you'll see.
(Everyone waits.)
Eco: I still don't see.
MHJ: What do you mean you don't see it? I just got to paste Crete with a chair TWICE!
Eco: Uh, yeah, so?
MHJ: So if this promo goes around a few more times, Crete's head will be mush!
Eco: I am pretty sure there are no lasting effects from this promo, I mean you have heartpunched Voltage dozens of times now, in theory his heart should have stopped beating on the last page, and he should have died, but look, he is on his feet again.
<Moose turns and heartpunches Voltage again sending him to the floor>
Eco: Why did you do that?
MHJ: He just irritates me sometimes. So, you say there are no lasting effects for continuously hitting Crete with a chair huh?
Eco: No, none that I am aware of....
<Moose heartpunches Eco, Eco falls to the floor>
Eco: What the hell was that for?
MHJ: THAT WAS FOR TRYING TO RUIN MY FUN
Capellan: Hey, Eco, can you hear me? Barely? Ok that works. Now that there's a quiet moment, you think we could, y'know...nail your partner with a chain-assisted DDT and win back the DDT Heavy Metal Title for Viper?
Eco: I don't see why not.
Capellan: Cool.
(Donovan Viper DDT's El Voltaje with the assist of a chain and pins him.)
El Ecosistema: MI AMIGO! NOOOOOOOO!!!
DV: Wait. Why am I not winning the title?
Voltage: That's not Voltage. I'm Voltage. That's Voltaje.
DV: ....Oh come on.
FFC: (coming between Viper and Voltage.) Listen, you're not taking Voltage's title.
DV: But if we take the title, then this promo can never start again, because the "gnarliest double champ ever" line won't be true.
FFC: ...
Capellan: ...
Eco: ...
Voltage: ...
Stank: ...
Moose: ...
El Eco: El ...
FFC: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Capellan: AHHHHHHHHH!
Eco: AHHHHHH!!!
Voltage: AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Stank: AHHHHHHHH!!!
Moose: AHHHHHHHHH!!!
El Eco: AYYIYIYIYI!!!!
Voltage: Quick! DDT me! Right now!
DV: With pleasure.
(Viper runs over to DDT Voltage, but in his haste, he trips over El Voltaje, slams his head against the concrete and falls unconscious.)
Capellan: Oh COME ON!!!
(The Knife walks in.)
The Knife: Hey guys, are you cutting a promo?
MHJ: ...yes.
TK: The same one, over and over?
Stank: Sure. Rub it in.
TK: Okay. Can someone come warn me when Davin starts talking about iced coffee? Because it means he's going to attack me.
Capellan: Yeah, I'll do it.
TK: Thanks.
(The Knife goes to leave, yet somehow runs into a wall.)
TK: Where's the door I came through?
Volt: It's gone.
TK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Volt: So who do I have to beat to achieve this magnanimous feat?
FFC: Where are we?
Voltage: Title belt.
FFC: Uh, Moosehead Jack.
Volt - Easy enough, I'll just criticise his booking until he appears.
MHJ - I'm right here.
Voltage - Oh. Uh, it was him. (points at El Voltaje, who is unconscious.)
(MHJ heartpunches Voltage.)
FFC - So, uh, I assume you're going to take Volt's belts then and end this promo?
MHJ - Screw you guys, I can come and go as I like. I'm leaving you here. But I will take his wallet.
MHJ - ?? Geez the guy's got like six wallets.
FFC - Five of those are mine. I think the other belongs to Eco.
Eco - Check your pocket.
MHJ - (checking) I don't have any wallets.
(Stunned silence from all around.)
FFC - Everybody check your pockets.
(Everybody checks.)
El Voltaje (getting up from the DDT) - Yo lo tengo! Quiere la cartera, Moose? (I have it! Do you want the wallet, Moose?)
MHJ - No speak Spanish. Sorry.
Capellan: I do! He asked if you want the wallet.
(Everyone stares at Capellan.)
'The Knife: (leaning over) I think you're ruining the joke.
Capellan: Sorry?
Stank (feeling in his pockets) I have a con- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ecosystem - (coming to consciousness) I have a scarf. (Ecosystem begins pulling out a long strand of colorful scarfs all tied together. At the end is a wallet.)
MHJ - There it is. I knew you had one.
Eco - But there were... wait.
Voltaje - YO LA TENGO!!
Stank - Moose, we need to--
Stank/MHJ - talk.
MHJ - Jinx. You owe me a beer.
Stank - ... ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Stank wanders off muttering to himself.]
MHJ - I guess I'll get my own beer.
[Moose turns to leave and Morte is standing there]
MHJ: Morte?
Morte: Yeah
MHJ: Since when do you talk?
Morte: Does it matter in this promo?
MHJ: No, I guess not, not really. Eh, so did you need something?
Morte: Oh yeah, me and the rest of the No Longer Used Characters, and the Zombie guys were getting kinda tired of running around destroying stuff, so we are getting back on the Bus of the Unused Gimmicks. Just checking to see if there is anyone else that needs to get on.
<Moose looks over at Los Defenestrators>
Ecosis: Que?
El Voltaje: <looking at Morte> Quien es?
Voltage: Oh he is no one, you should really follow.....
Eco: DUDE! Don't send them there, we can use them
Voltage: Oh yeah
MHJ: No, it looks like you are good for the moment.
Morte:<looking at Cappington>: We'll see YOU soon
(Morte walks off.)
FFCIII: What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?
Volt - (getting up) Woo! Rock and roll! I'm the gnarliest double champ EVER. That's right! Walk away!
Eco: Uh Volt, he is still standing right there.
Volt: Huh? Who?
(Moose heartpunches Volt again.)
MHJ: Still think he is the best?
Eco - Who?
MHJ: Exactly <Moose walks off>
Volt - (recovering....again)... Wait... what?
(Camera pans to Davin Moreland's lifeless corpse. He slowly gets up, brushes himself off and smiles into the camera.)
DM: Hi. My name is Davin Moreland. You may know me from such matches as "Weapons on a Pole" and "Hell in the Cell". You ever have one of those days that seems to drag on? Like you're stuck in a rut and can't get out of it?
*From the Locker Room, This is heard*
Volt - So all I need to do now is capture the Black Sabbath title to become th-
Eco - The what?
Volt - I don't know. Someone was supposed to cut me off.
Williams: ME! I'M CUTTING YOU OFF! THIS PROMO IS OVER!!!
Cappington - (running in) Sorry. "The Black Sabbath Title"?
*Hidden Boom Mic moves away*
DM: I know I sure do. And when I do, there's nothing better than a quick, refreshing pick-me-up. And what's better, than a Double-Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts.
*handed an awesome looking iced coffee from off camera, and takes a sip*
(Outside this promotional spot)
Capellan: Crap. I better run.
(Back inside)
DM: Ahhh...Nothing better. Oh, Hey Moose.
MHJ: Umm..Hello Davin.
DM: Ladies and Gentlemen, please meet one of the true legends of the OOWF, THE Moosehead Jack. Would you like a cool, refreshing Double-Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts?
MHJ: I want a beer.
(Long pause.)
MHJ: (clearing throat) Actually, yes, that sounds good.
*is handed one from off-camera, and takes a sip*
MHJ: Ah...
DM: Hardbody! How ya been? Haven't seen you in any promos lately. Come on over. Ladies and Gentlemen, the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF!!! Hardbody Harris!
HH: And my little buddy Feivel...
F: Hewwo...
All: Awwwwwww...
DM: So, Hardbody, I know you're a big Pink Lemonade fan, but what if I told you there was something just as refreshing?
HH: Well, I love my Pink Lemonade, but I'd love to try something new.
F: I'd wike to twy one too.
DM: *tousles Feivel's hat* Aw, little buddy, Iced Coffee's not for a little mouse, but let's see if we can get him a little Coffee Coolata.
*HH and Feivel are handed their drinks from off camera*
HH: This is DELICIOUS. Thanks!
F: This is dewishus. Fank you sooooo much!
DM: No problem guys...Hey Knife! Knife get on over here and have yourself a Double-Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts!
K: Don't mind if I do.
*handed Iced Coffee from off camera*
K: *sips* Wow that's good.
DM: It sure is. And look, none of us are involved in that promo over there *Heartpunches are heard*
TK: Wait...but we are.
DM: ....
TK: ....
MHJ: This is the perfect thing to break out of that rut.
DM: You said it Moose. And you can get one too! Just go down to your local Dunkin' Donuts and tell them Davin sent you!
*camera freeze frames, with the Dunkin' Donuts logo, and under that "Dunkin' Donuts, The Official Iced Coffee of the OOWF*
Director: Aaaaaaand, we're clear!
*Davin shakes hands with everyone around*
DM: Great job guys, Thanks.
HH: No problem buddy, we'll catch you later...*HH and Feivel leave*'
DM: Moose, couldn't have done it without you.
MHJ: Yes, well..I should get back to the promo...I think you're good for a bit in there.
DM: See ya in a minute. Nice work, Knife.
K: Um...thanks....
DM: Oh, one thing....
K: What's that?
*Moreland blasts Knife over the head with his Double-Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts, and proceeds to lay a wicked beatdown on him, trying to practice all his finishers and big moves, Dominator here, Standing Shooting Star Press there...finally culminating in possibly the SICKEST REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER ON THE ICE AND COFFEE ON THE CEMENT FLOOR!!! Moreland locks in a Mark Henry Memorial Armbar*
DM: You've got my belt, and I'm coming for it, no distractions this time...
K: *barely conscious moan*
DM: This week at MIDWEEK MAYHEM in Hogansville, Georgia, there WILL be a new Onslaught Champion, and that will be Davin Moreland, Because Davin Moreland AINT YOUR BITCH NO MORE!
*the lifeless corpse of Davin Moreland is mysteriously dragged from the Promo in the Locker Room*
LCoDM: Dude, we gotta work on that catchphrase.
DM: No doubt, bro...No doubt...
*fade*
Capellan: (running in) Hey Knife! Davin started talking about coffee like you said! I think he's going to attack you.
(Knife is unconscious.)
Capellan: Oops
Stank - It's cool man. That was a long ti- wait a minute.
FFC - ...
Stank - ...
SFJ#99 - ...
FFC - ... ...
Stank - What the hell is going on...
SFJ#99 - Wow this is WAY better than your story, Capslock.
Stank - Whoa Deja Vu... I feel like I've told this tale... before...
FFC - What am I doing here anyway?? I'm not part of Drink & Destroy anymore??
Stank - Yeah I remember this... this was a pretty damn good promo. It touched off what should be in the running for angle of the year when the awards come around.
Disembodied Voice: Unless, of course, someone wants to nominate this angle.
Stank: Who said that?
Disembodied Voice: ...no one.
FFC - ... I'm LOADED!
Stank - ... Shouldn't you be standing around with the Defenestrators somwhere?
FFC - What are you muttering about?
Stank - I... I don't KNOW! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
FFC - I got to get outta here!
[FFC runs out of the destroyitarium to catch up with Eco and Voltage. Stank wanders off muttering to himself.
Meanwhile The Defenstrators are running away and Voltage runs into a pole. Voltage is knocked out.]
Eco - Volt! You okay?
Volt - (getting up) Voltage: Woo! Rock and roll! I'm the gnarliest double champ EVER.
Ecosystem - Way to go, dude. Totally bitchin'.
Volt - Please don't steal my radical gimmick.
Eco - OK.
Volt - So all I need to do now is capture the Black Sabbath title to become th-
Eco - The what?
Volt - I don't know. Someone was supposed to cut me off.
Williams: ME! I'M CUTTING YOU OFF! THIS PROMO IS OVER!!!
Cappington - (running in) Sorry. "The Black Sabbath Title"?
Volt - Iron Man. You know, 'duh-nuh duh-NUH NUH nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh narhhhhh nuh-NUH NUH!'
Eco - ...
Volt - Will you know it if I air guitar at the same time?
(Stank returns from a bathroom break)
FFCIII - You're back!
Stank - AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
FFCIII: ...sorry.
Stank: Wait. What's Williams doing here?
LDW: (grabbing Stank) You have to save me.
Stank: But I couldn't save you the last three times.
LDW: I DON'T CARE! SAVE ME!!!
(CTG walks into the scene)
Eco: Finally! Maybe the resident Superhero will save us?
LDW: Or at least trade me out?
CTG: Save? You realize you're all villains here.
Volt: Which means...wait...we are? Really? Not at this point at least.
CTG: (Glances around)
Voltage - WE SHOULD HAVE WON THE DEFENESTRATION MATCH SINCE WE ARE CLEARLY MORE OVER AS HEELS BEING IN A STABLE WITH AN ESTABLISHED SUPERHEEL CHARACTER!
CTG: YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!
Stank - ...
Eco - ...
Volt - ...
FFCIII - ...
Stank - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Eco - AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Volt - AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
El Voltaje - AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
El Ecosistema: No estoy diciendo nada.
FFCIII - AHHHHHHH!
CTG: What?
(Moose runs in.)
MHJ: What?
Eco: I think this is where you heartpunch Volt.
MHJ: Right (Moose heartpunches Voltage and he collapses to the floor) What the hell is HE (pointing to Crete) doing here?
Eco: Putting us under arrest?
LDW: Giving me false hope?
FFCIII: This promo needed more faces?
Eco: YES! We needed more faces, and uh, Crete was recruiting for the Latin American Chapter of The Heroes Guild.
Ecosistema: Donde esta superhero?
CTG: Citizen Moose!
Williams: Concrete! Help me! Say something about my current match this week!
Eco - I thought you were facing Moose's buddies.
Stank - That was last week.
Williams: NO! I'M FACING SPIN!
El Voltaje - Escucha el sir, tú es hermoso pero estás perdiendo nuestro tiempo. Volver por favor la correa a mi colega.
(Listen sir, you are handsome but you are wasting our time. Please return the belt to my colleague.)
Volt - <recovered now>Right on, amigo. So, as I was saying, after I win the Black Sabbath titl-
Eco - What does that mean again?
Volt - Black Sabbath. Iron Man. Latter is a song by the former.
Eco - I like that, let's go with it.
Volt - Just go stand in the corner, OK?
Eco - Concrete, he's a bad guy, can you do something?
*Davin Moreland wanders in*
DM - Now guys...Wasn't I in this promo before?
Eco - Yes, but you are the epitome of teh suck, so you've been written out.
DM - Written out?!?! You wrote me out of quite possibly the BEST PROMO EVAR??
Williams: (grabbing Davin Moreland) DAVIN! YOU CUT A PROMO OUTSIDE OF THIS ONE! YOU CAN BREAK IT!
Volt - Don't listen Davin! Go, like, beat some random person up for no reason.
DM - What if I say no?
Eco - Concrete?
Williams: NOOO!!!
(CTG goes to grab Clangy...and he's not there.)
CTG: Huh?
Eco: Oh, I think you gave him to me.
(Ecosystem pulls out two Clangy Poles.)
DM: ...Which one is mine?
CTG: You can have them both. I'll grab something else to hit you with.
(CTG reaches out and grabs...CAPELLAN AND VIPER!)
Capellan: Woo-hoo! We're in the promo!
Viper: I hope that's a good thing.
(CTG smashes Davin over the head with Capellan and Viper. Davin has fallen.)
Williams: Thank you sir, can I get one too?
CTG: Nope, Capellan and Viper were only for Davin
Eco - No. I feel like we established that.
Williams: Hit me too, I deserve it!
El Ecosistema - Normalmente, antes de Concrete llega.
Eco - Ah.
CTG: ?
Eco - Nope.
(CTG hands Clangy to Ecosystem.)
CTG - Teach him to respect continuity.
Eco: But you just broke continuity by handing me a pole that I already have. In duplicate.
Williams: I hate continuity too! Ecosystem has had multiple real names! Kenji broke the fourth wall! SOME HERO YOU ARE!
(CTG gives Williams the CEMENT MIXER!)
Williams: (on the ground) That won't fix anything. (passes out.)
Volt - ANYWAY, once I've unified these belts into the TRIPLE CROWN...DDT...IRON MAN...HEAVY METAL TITLE, I will be the most acclaimed wrestler in all of OOWF history! Three belts at once!
FFC - Pretty sure a dead sparrow held that title. 4 times.
Volt - SHUT UP, ECO!
Stank - Eco is clearl- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MHJ: Look, I have things to do, wait, this promo keeps repeating over and over, right?
Eco: Sure seems that way
<Moose turns and knocks the Key Grip to the ground, grabs his chair and PASTES Crete over the head with it, knocking him to the ground out cold>
Cappington: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
MHJ: Wait till the next promo, you'll see.
(Everyone waits.)
Eco: I still don't see.
MHJ: What do you mean you don't see it? I just got to paste Crete with a chair TWICE!
Eco: Uh, yeah, so?
MHJ: So if this promo goes around a few more times, Crete's head will be mush!
Eco: I am pretty sure there are no lasting effects from this promo, I mean you have heartpunched Voltage dozens of times now, in theory his heart should have stopped beating on the last page, and he should have died, but look, he is on his feet again.
<Moose turns and heartpunches Voltage again sending him to the floor>
Eco: Why did you do that?
MHJ: He just irritates me sometimes. So, you say there are no lasting effects for continuously hitting Crete with a chair huh?
Eco: No, none that I am aware of....
<Moose heartpunches Eco, Eco falls to the floor>
Eco: What the hell was that for?
MHJ: THAT WAS FOR TRYING TO RUIN MY FUN
Capellan: Hey, Eco, can you hear me? Barely? Ok that works. Now that there's a quiet moment, you think we could, y'know...nail your partner with a chain-assisted DDT and win back the DDT Heavy Metal Title for Viper?
Eco: I don't see why not.
Capellan: Cool.
(Donovan Viper DDT's El Voltaje with the assist of a chain and pins him.)
El Ecosistema: MI AMIGO! NOOOOOOOO!!!
DV: Wait. Why am I not winning the title?
Voltage: That's not Voltage. I'm Voltage. That's Voltaje.
DV: ....Oh come on.
FFC: (coming between Viper and Voltage.) Listen, you're not taking Voltage's title.
DV: But if we take the title, then this promo can never start again, because the "gnarliest double champ ever" line won't be true.
FFC: ...
Capellan: ...
Eco: ...
Voltage: ...
Stank: ...
Moose: ...
El Eco: El ...
FFC: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Capellan: AHHHHHHHHH!
Eco: AHHHHHH!!!
Voltage: AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Stank: AHHHHHHHH!!!
Moose: AHHHHHHHHH!!!
El Eco: AYYIYIYIYI!!!!
Voltage: Quick! DDT me! Right now!
DV: With pleasure.
(Viper runs over to DDT Voltage, but in his haste, he trips over El Voltaje, slams his head against the concrete and falls unconscious.)
Capellan: Oh COME ON!!!
(The Knife walks in.)
The Knife: Hey guys, are you cutting a promo?
MHJ: ...yes.
TK: The same one, over and over?
Stank: Sure. Rub it in.
TK: Okay. Can someone come warn me when Davin starts talking about iced coffee? Because it means he's going to attack me.
Capellan: Yeah, I'll do it.
TK: Thanks.
(The Knife goes to leave, yet somehow runs into a wall.)
TK: Where's the door I came through?
Volt: It's gone.
TK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Volt: So who do I have to beat to achieve this magnanimous feat?
FFC: Where are we?
Voltage: Title belt.
FFC: Uh, Moosehead Jack.
Volt - Easy enough, I'll just criticise his booking until he appears.
MHJ - I'm right here.
Voltage - Oh. Uh, it was him. (points at El Voltaje, who is unconscious.)
(MHJ heartpunches Voltage.)
FFC - So, uh, I assume you're going to take Volt's belts then and end this promo?
MHJ - Screw you guys, I can come and go as I like. I'm leaving you here. But I will take his wallet.
MHJ - ?? Geez the guy's got like six wallets.
FFC - Five of those are mine. I think the other belongs to Eco.
Eco - Check your pocket.
MHJ - (checking) I don't have any wallets.
(Stunned silence from all around.)
FFC - Everybody check your pockets.
(Everybody checks.)
El Voltaje (getting up from the DDT) - Yo lo tengo! Quiere la cartera, Moose? (I have it! Do you want the wallet, Moose?)
MHJ - No speak Spanish. Sorry.
Capellan: I do! He asked if you want the wallet.
(Everyone stares at Capellan.)
'The Knife: (leaning over) I think you're ruining the joke.
Capellan: Sorry?
Stank (feeling in his pockets) I have a con- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ecosystem - (coming to consciousness) I have a scarf. (Ecosystem begins pulling out a long strand of colorful scarfs all tied together. At the end is a wallet.)
MHJ - There it is. I knew you had one.
Eco - But there were... wait.
Voltaje - YO LA TENGO!!
Stank - Moose, we need to--
Stank/MHJ - talk.
MHJ - Jinx. You owe me a beer.
Stank - ... ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Stank wanders off muttering to himself.]
MHJ - I guess I'll get my own beer.
[Moose turns to leave and Morte is standing there]
MHJ: Morte?
Morte: Yeah
MHJ: Since when do you talk?
Morte: Does it matter in this promo?
MHJ: No, I guess not, not really. Eh, so did you need something?
Morte: Oh yeah, me and the rest of the No Longer Used Characters, and the Zombie guys were getting kinda tired of running around destroying stuff, so we are getting back on the Bus of the Unused Gimmicks. Just checking to see if there is anyone else that needs to get on.
<Moose looks over at Los Defenestrators>
Ecosis: Que?
El Voltaje: <looking at Morte> Quien es?
Voltage: Oh he is no one, you should really follow.....
Eco: DUDE! Don't send them there, we can use them
Voltage: Oh yeah
MHJ: No, it looks like you are good for the moment.
Morte:<looking at Cappington>: We'll see YOU soon
(Morte walks off.)
FFCIII: What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?
Volt - (getting up) Woo! Rock and roll! I'm the gnarliest double champ EVER. That's right! Walk away!
Eco: Uh Volt, he is still standing right there.
Volt: Huh? Who?
(Moose heartpunches Volt again.)
MHJ: Still think he is the best?
Eco - Who?
MHJ: Exactly <Moose walks off>
Volt - (recovering....again)... Wait... what?
(Camera pans to Davin Moreland's lifeless corpse. He slowly gets up, brushes himself off and smiles into the camera.)
DM: Hi. My name is Davin Moreland. You may know me from such matches as "Weapons on a Pole" and "Hell in the Cell". You ever have one of those days that seems to drag on? Like you're stuck in a rut and can't get out of it?
*From the Locker Room, This is heard*
Volt - So all I need to do now is capture the Black Sabbath title to become th-
Eco - The what?
Volt - I don't know. Someone was supposed to cut me off.
Williams: ME! I'M CUTTING YOU OFF! THIS PROMO IS OVER!!!
Cappington - (running in) Sorry. "The Black Sabbath Title"?
*Hidden Boom Mic moves away*
DM: I know I sure do. And when I do, there's nothing better than a quick, refreshing pick-me-up. And what's better, than a Double-Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts.
*handed an awesome looking iced coffee from off camera, and takes a sip*
(Outside this promotional spot)
Capellan: Crap. I better run.
(Back inside)
DM: Ahhh...Nothing better. Oh, Hey Moose.
MHJ: Umm..Hello Davin.
DM: Ladies and Gentlemen, please meet one of the true legends of the OOWF, THE Moosehead Jack. Would you like a cool, refreshing Double-Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts?
MHJ: I want a beer.
(Long pause.)
MHJ: (clearing throat) Actually, yes, that sounds good.
*is handed one from off-camera, and takes a sip*
MHJ: Ah...
DM: Hardbody! How ya been? Haven't seen you in any promos lately. Come on over. Ladies and Gentlemen, the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF!!! Hardbody Harris!
HH: And my little buddy Feivel...
F: Hewwo...
All: Awwwwwww...
DM: So, Hardbody, I know you're a big Pink Lemonade fan, but what if I told you there was something just as refreshing?
HH: Well, I love my Pink Lemonade, but I'd love to try something new.
F: I'd wike to twy one too.
DM: *tousles Feivel's hat* Aw, little buddy, Iced Coffee's not for a little mouse, but let's see if we can get him a little Coffee Coolata.
*HH and Feivel are handed their drinks from off camera*
HH: This is DELICIOUS. Thanks!
F: This is dewishus. Fank you sooooo much!
DM: No problem guys...Hey Knife! Knife get on over here and have yourself a Double-Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts!
K: Don't mind if I do.
*handed Iced Coffee from off camera*
K: *sips* Wow that's good.
DM: It sure is. And look, none of us are involved in that promo over there *Heartpunches are heard*
TK: Wait...but we are.
DM: ....
TK: ....
MHJ: This is the perfect thing to break out of that rut.
DM: You said it Moose. And you can get one too! Just go down to your local Dunkin' Donuts and tell them Davin sent you!
*camera freeze frames, with the Dunkin' Donuts logo, and under that "Dunkin' Donuts, The Official Iced Coffee of the OOWF*
Director: Aaaaaaand, we're clear!
*Davin shakes hands with everyone around*
DM: Great job guys, Thanks.
HH: No problem buddy, we'll catch you later...*HH and Feivel leave*'
DM: Moose, couldn't have done it without you.
MHJ: Yes, well..I should get back to the promo...I think you're good for a bit in there.
DM: See ya in a minute. Nice work, Knife.
K: Um...thanks....
DM: Oh, one thing....
K: What's that?
*Moreland blasts Knife over the head with his Double-Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts, and proceeds to lay a wicked beatdown on him, trying to practice all his finishers and big moves, Dominator here, Standing Shooting Star Press there...finally culminating in possibly the SICKEST REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER ON THE ICE AND COFFEE ON THE CEMENT FLOOR!!! Moreland locks in a Mark Henry Memorial Armbar*
DM: You've got my belt, and I'm coming for it, no distractions this time...
K: *barely conscious moan*
DM: This week at MIDWEEK MAYHEM in Hogansville, Georgia, there WILL be a new Onslaught Champion, and that will be Davin Moreland, Because Davin Moreland AINT YOUR BITCH NO MORE!
*the lifeless corpse of Davin Moreland is mysteriously dragged from the Promo in the Locker Room*
LCoDM: Dude, we gotta work on that catchphrase.
DM: No doubt, bro...No doubt...
*fade*
Capellan: (running in) Hey Knife! Davin started talking about coffee like you said! I think he's going to attack you.
(Knife is unconscious.)
Capellan: Oops
!