OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 10-17-07

[mooseheadjack]

<We cut to GM the Rick's office where he is sitting behind his desk with a prepared announcement>

"Since there was no clear cut winner in the Onslaught Division elimination series match, the four men involved in this weeks match; Concrete TG, Moosehead Jack, Ryan Hardcore and Knife will meet again next week. To keep up with the schedule, this match will continue until two men are eliminated. Thats all, the lineup is on the door. Get out."

******************************
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Tomahawk, Wisconsin

NON-Title Ladder Match[/u]
Stank vs. Canadian Dragon

NON-Title Match[/u]
The Best Friends Forever vs. Defenestrators

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Davin Moreland vs. Outback Jack

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Elimination Series[/u]
LD Williams vs. Capellan vs. Donovan Viper

OOWF Intercontinental Title Elimination Series[/u]
F. Fonzworth Cappington III vs. Spin Hansen vs. Firechild

OOWF World Tag Team Title Elimination Series[/u]
Phantos & Lucios vs. Los Defenestrators vs. Apocalyptic Bastards

OOWF Onslaught Championshop Elimination Series - Double Elimination Match[/u]
COncrete TG vs. Knife vs. Ryan Hardcore vs. Moosehead Jack

card subject to the Bob Holly's approval

<Bob Holly storms into GM the Rick's office, Rick looks up from his desk>

GMtR: Somethin' on your mind?

Bob: You're an idiot

GMtR: Good to see you too, now what the hell are you talking about?

Bob: Everyone who lost in the elimination series got a title shot this week

GMtR: Yeah so?

Bob: SO THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF HAVING THE SERIES

GMtR: Who has title changes on a free show?

Bob: You do all the time!

GMtR: Yeah I guess we do

Bob: So, it says subject to MY approval, and I don't approve

GMtR: You don't approve of anything

Bob: Change it.

GMtR: Fine, go ahead, change Canadian Dragon and the Defenestrators to non title matches, the consequences are on your head.

Bob: I'm Bob Holly, if anyone has a problem with me, they can come see me. The matches are changed!

[mooseheadjack]

Concrete TG catches up with Firechild in the locker room after last week's Mayhem, Firechild is standing unlacing his boots, looking calm.

CTG: I get the message Flame, loud and clear....

FC: I really don't think you do 'Crete, and I think you think that there is enmity here, when there is not. Hell, I feel bad about walking away from the Guild, I feel bad that you lost your title...

CTG: But not so bad that you wouldn't cheat shot me?

FC: I didn't cheap shot you. We were in the middle of a match, and you stood there grinning like an idiot, that is exactly why the Guild failed. It's all very well to stand for fairness and justice, but you can't argue comparitive philosophies when a rage fuelled heel is about to smash you with a chair.

CTG: I see what you mean, but I cannot agree with you. Good luck in your endeavours...

Concrete goes to leave, but Firechild grabs his arm.

FC: One more thing, Takakan misguided as I think you are, you're better than asking for guiddance from a higher power. It smacks of desperation, and fear....

CTG: YOUR thoughts on religion are well known Flame, as you must, so shall I tread my own path.

Concrete shakes his head and leaves, clearly trying hard not to look back. Outside the locker room, he meets Moosehead Jack, lounging against the wall, sporting an impressive slice across his forehead.

MHJ: Our little boy is coming along nicely, isn't he Concrete?

Gryffon goes nose to nose with Moose, then thinks better of it and walks away.

MHJ: Yeah, thats right Concrete, he's gonna be just fine. Trust Me..........

[mooseheadjack]

(Concrete continues down the hall and passes by Knife's locker room, where the door is open. CTG stops and peeks back in, seeing Knife quietly reading the bible. He debates entering, but knowing that Moose won't follow him this time he enters)

Knife: I understand there was a near altercation at the church.

CTG: I wasn't expecting Moose to go in there. And if he did, he should have burst into flames once he got inside.

Knife: (closes the bible and looks up, concerned) you feel that there is no good left in Moosehead Jack?

CTG: after his disruption of my match with Flame, I would think you'd think the same thing.

Knife: (faint smile) there was a time when Moose would have been a normal man with normal desires and questions about faith. He has walked too far from the path, but God will bring him back someday.

CTG: you don't feel that mortal forces can change that?

Knife: God will provide.

CTG: (shaking head) thanks anyway, but I think our paths have now divided.

Knife: (looks disappointed but says nothing further as Concrete leaves)

CTG: (to himself) Flame's right, I can't wait for divine intervention...

(Concrete marches off, more determined to succeed)

[mooseheadjack]

Davin & Lucios are in the gym working out. Phantos walks in, carrying his bag and a sandwich.

Phantos: Lucios, man you won’t believe this.

Lucios: What?

P: The Defensetrators are getting a shot at The Best Friends Forever tonight.

L: They’re getting what?

P: I saw the lineup on Rick’s door. Almost everyone who got eliminated last week got a title match tonight.

Davin (laughs): Phantos, you sure you aren’t on another caffeine buzz again?

P: No way man. No more Double Brewed Ice Coffee from Dunkin Donuts for me! But Canadian Dragon got a shot too!

DM: Hmm. I don’t suppose I got the night off then

P: No, Outback Jack. For your Onslaught Championship.

(Davin grins and does a couple reps on the bench press vigorously)

L: So, the chase for championship means a shot at the PPV, not necessarily the NEXT title shot. In theory, the team that LOSES tonight gets the next chance to become Champions. Almost makes me want to sandbag tonight and get our title match early.

DM: I guess that means I get 2 contenders next week.

L: Knowing our boss, probably.

DM: I’m not worried. I can beat any or all of my contenders at any time, including the bookerman himself.

(Moosehead Jack appears, and heartpunches Davin. He looks up at Phantos who is laughing and delivers a second heartpunch. Lucios puts both hands up

L: I didn’t say anything.

(Moose pauses, turns and heartpunches Lucios as well, smiles at his carnage, and leaves)

(All three stagger to their feet a few minutes later. Davin grabs his towel and exits.)

P: You REALLY want to throw the match tonight?

L: Of course not. It just seems… moronic to have guys compete for a Championship match, when getting eliminated will get you a match just as fast.

P: Unless there’s no chance the eliminated guys will win.

(Kayfabe arrives and hits Phantos with a chair)

L: (looking down at his prone partner) One of these days he’ll learn.

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland is in his MUCH BIGGER THAN A SUPPLY CLOSET LOCKER ROOM watching his last match with Outback Jack. Lucios knocks and comes in*

DM: Where's your self-preservation?

L: Huh? Oh, he's working on the trampoline. He'll be occupied for a minute doing his flippy stuff.

DM: *pauses the DVD* So what brings you by?

L: About what I was saying before. Should we tank this match?

DM: Lock the door, I'll get the windows.

*Lucios and Davin lock up the room, so no outside interference comes in*

DM: No, I pretty much think it's a stupid idea.

L: But Los Def lost and they get a title shot the next week.

DM: Dude, they're not winning.

L: You don't think so?

DM: No. Hell no. I mean, seriously, why would The Rick even have this stupid tournament if he was just going to put the straps on someone else?

*There is loud banging on the door*

L: But didn't they just do that in ECW?

*Rocks are hitting the windows*

DM: Yes, but the Rick, and the Bookerman aren't that retarded.

*The sound of HEARTPUNCHES~! are heard on the door*

L: I sure hope not.

*From the other side of the door...*

*unknown voice*: We're not. Trust me.

DM: Listen, now that we're doing this trial agreement, I think things are going to be looking up for you.

L: I hope you're right. You just gotta promise me not to get involved...

DM: Unless it's warrented.

L: Unless it's warrented. Right.

DM: Things will be looking up for you. You might grab those elusive straps yet.

*unknown voice*: They're not STRAPS! They're CHAMPIONSHIP TITLES...Dammit...

L: And what about you. What about your match. First title defense, right?

DM: Yeah. *gestures to the TV* I can't let Outback Jack get under my radar again. I'm totally ready.

L: And we'll be out there.

DM: Yes. A lot of guys in this company have it in for me, and who knows who will do a run-in? I just want to prove myself against someone like Outback Jack. He's known to do anything he has to to get the win.

L: We'll be on the lookout.

DM: Good. I'm confident I can defend. Maybe that will get me some respect around here.

L: I've noticed that's tough to come by around here.

DM: *standing up* Which is why we have to create our own respect.

L: It's starting to make more sense to me.

DM: C'mon, I'll buy you a Number 9 Steak and Cheese Combo from D'Angelos

L: Great. I'll spring for the Double Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin Donuts

DM: Sounds like a plan. *Smile, wink thumbs up*

*Commercial*

*We return to Davin Moreland in the INTERVIEW AREA with his personal interviewer, CBS Evening News' Katie Couric*

CENKC: Davin, a lot has happened since we last spoke.

DM: Sure has. *slings his ONSLAUGHT CHAMPIONSHIP belt over his shoulder and pats it* Especially this right here.

CENKC: As someone who's been with you from the beginning and seen everything you've been through, and how you've rebounded to accomplish what you wanted to for so long, it's very gratifying, and I just want to offer you my congratulations.

DM: *tearing up a little* Aw Katie. Thanks. *they shake hands, then hug. Katie is visibly crying, Davin is wiping at his face* Getting a little dusty in here...

DR: IF YOU WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL!!!

*This seems to snap Davin back into focus*

DM: Anyway Katie, since then, I've come to a trial "watch each other's back" agreement with Phantos and Lucios...

CENKC: Who?

DM: You'll see. And also I lost a non-title match for a shot at the World Heavyweight title to Outback Jack..

CENKC: Who is your opponent this week.

DM: That's right.

CENKC: And last time, you were pretty cocky going into the matchup.

DM: Maybe, but it was really just confidence. All things being equal, I know I can beat Outback Jack. He's a great champion, a multiple-title champion, a great athlete, and one of the best in the business. But Katie, a time comes in a man's life where he has to put aside all the ancillary things, and focus on the topic at hand. This week's topic at hand is my very first title defense against one of the greats in our business.

CENKC: Can you beat him, Davin?

DM: I can beat him Katie. Everything may have to break my way for it to happen, but Katie, I'm a Champion, and I need to ACT like a Champion, I need to wrestle like a Champion and I need to WIN like a Champion.

CENKC: And you're doing that?

DM: I'm trying to Katie. I'm using the people I know who can help me be the Champion that I'm meant to be.

CENKC: Meant to be?

DM: Absolutely meant to be. If I wasn't meant to be a Champion, I wouldn't be in this business.

CENKC: Has this translated to more respect in the locker room.

DM: Not yet Katie. Apparently, these people haven't been listening. I've told you all over and over and over...Davin Moreland AINT YOUR BITCH NO MORE, and this belt proves it. You don't like it? Try to take it from me. Just bring it. I'll be ready. And with Phantos and Lucios having my back, you'll have to come correct.

CENKC: Come correct?

DM: It's a figure of speech Katie.

CENKC: I'm not familiar with that one.

DM: I'll explain it after.

CENKC: Anything else Davin?

DM: No. Just that I'm focused, and I'm ready. If you're looking to win OBJ, you better bring your A+ game. This will be a different Davin Moreland than you faced a couple weeks ago. Be ready, Jack. I will be.

CENKC: Thanks, Davin.

DM: My pleasure, and don't forget, this promo has been brought to you by Dunkin' Donuts...America Runs on Dunkin and Yum! Foods, home of Papa Gino's and D'Angelos. Try a #9 Steak and Cheese Combo from D'Angelos. Big Papi does. You should too.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

<Drink and Destroy's new theme song www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lOCVmprPbE fires up on the speakers as Spin Hansen followed by, The OOWF IC Champ Outback Jack, and The OOWF World Heavyweight Champion Stank are making their way to the ring. Stank and Jack raise their respective titles to the delight of the crowd. Stank grabs a mic.>

Stank - Alright people settle down.

<The crowd does the exact opposite, turning the volume up even higher. Drink and Destroy stand in the middle of the ring clearly amused and somewhat humbled by the level of praise they're receiving. Stank waits for them to settle. Chants of "DnD, DnD, DnD" erupt. After a full minute of this Stank speaks.>

Stank - Okay everyone shut the fuck up! C'mon on now settle down. Listen. We're not going to take up much of your time. We just have a few things we want to say to you all and to our opponents. There appear to be a lot of factions forming out there. We've got L.O.A.D.E.D which became even MORE so with their acquisition of a Former World Champ Donovan Viper.

<Mix reaction from the crowd>

Stank - AND Davin Moreland appears to be aligning himself with Mentos and luscious or whatever the hell they're called.

The only reason I mention these so called factions is because... well quite frankly our own little faction here holds the top two titles in this fed. Soon we may hold a third after Outback gets through with Davin Moreland to become the WOO! Rock and Roll! The GNARLIEST Double champ EVER!

This folks makes us, what the men over at Fort McCoy like to call, "Targets". I'm here to tell each and every person in the back Drink & Destroy is MORE than up to the challenge.

ANY one of you want a piece of us, come get it.

Hell, we're greedy. I wouldn't mind us making a run for the tag gold. Spin isn't currently strapped. Maybe we should find him a partner and watch DnD become tag champs again for the fourth time, huh?

<The crowd approves>

Stank - I mean why not? Hell maybe I can become a gnarly double champ and tag with Spin myself?

<Crowd is liking the sound of that.>

Stank - But first things first...

<Stank is interrupted by the opening drum beats of Orgy's "Blue Monday" as Canadian Dragon makes his way to the ring. He enters and walks right up to Stank. Surrounded by bigger men and nonplussed, Dragon motions for the mic. Stank hands it to him and motions for Jack and Spin to back off.>

CD - You have something I want.

<Stank casually walks over to ringside and retrieves another mic.>

Stank - Okay let's see... I have something you want... let me guess... a ladder? Would that make you more comfortable? I know how you like-

CD - ACTUALLY Stank, that isn't a bad idea.

Stank - You want a ladder? Ok.

<Outback Jack exits and looks under the ring apron for a ladder.>

CD - No No you misunderstand me. I don't mean I want a ladder right now... I'm talking about one for our MATCH! That's right!

<Crowd goes into a mild fit in anticipation of CD's next words.>

CD - That's right! Canadian Dragon vs Stank in a LADDER MATCH! For the OOWF World Heavyweight Title!

<The Crowd cheers its approval! Stank stares at CD a beat or two, then speaks.>

Stank - ... You're on.

<The crowd cheers as Canadian Dragon's music fires up. He exits the ring without further incident, leaving Drink & Destroy staring after him. Soon D&D leave as well. As they walk behind the curtain Spin speaks.>

SH - Um... Stank?

Stank - Yeah?

SH - Were you serious about that tag run?

Stank - Sure.

SH - ... Don't you think we should discuss things like this before announcing it to world?

Stank - What... you don't want to be Tag Team Champions?

Spin - It not's that... I'd love to... but...

Stank - Well... I mean it's not like a contract has been signed or anything. We can discuss it further after the fallout from the Invitational.

OBJ - Gents, look over there.

<Standing over by the Rick's office is Concrete TG>

Stank - I'll meet up with you guys later.

<Stank walks over to Crete out of earshot of Jack and Spin>

SH - I wonder what he's saying to him?

OBJ - Who cares... let's go.

[mooseheadjack]

<Stank opens the door to Rick's office. Leaving Crete Standing outside. He walks in and plops his title on Rick's Desk.>

Stank - Make it happen Rick.
GMtR - No can do.
Stank - Okay.

<Stank picks up his title belt and turns to leave.>

[mooseheadjack]

Viper runs into LD Williams backstage

LDW: So, we're rivals once again, Donnie.

DV: That we are.

LDW: You know, I respect you and I respect Capellan, and you guys were a great tag team.

DV: Yeah, we were.

LDW: That being said, I understand why you did what you did.

DV: Really...

LDW: Yeah. You and I, we're from the same blood (literally? figuratively? we never did resolve that storyline did we? anyways...) I mean, Weapon X, we dominated. We became tag team champs. Canadian Dragon and I, we did all we could as a tag team, so it was time for us to go our seperate ways and set our goals higher. That's how you are too. Except for the domination and tag team champs part, but hey, you did what you could do as a tag team. And hey, face it, with us in the division, you weren't going to be champs anyway.

DV: We could've done better. We could've been champs. And we certainly could've beaten you guys.

LDW: You tell yourself that, but yet... here you are, eyeing for World Championship Gold. Even joined up with a crew to do so.

DV: So what are you trying to say?

LDW: Nothing you don't already know. I told you man. I understand.

DV: Yeah, whatever. Understand that with me in the hunt for the world championship, I WILL become champion and YOU won't be able to beat ME for it.

LDW: Heh. Tough talk man. I've proved that I can do it. You saw what I did to your old boss.

DV: Shit, I did that before too.

LDW: Just saying. When you and I get in the ring next week with Capellan, there's something you need to be aware of. Something that Underdawg now knows.

DV: What's that?

LDW: FEAR ME.

Williams walks away when a taxi cab comes by with a SCREECHING halt! But not before it hits Williams and sends him flying into the wall.

Cap (in the back seat): YOU are NOT going to advance, Viper. I will make damn sure of it!

DV: Like you just did to LD Williams?

Cap: Wait... what? What are you talking about?

DV: He's over there, laying motionless because your cab just hit him.

Cap: Ah, shit! That's not what I meant.

DV: Oh, so you were going to run ME over with the cab?

Cap: NO! That's what YOU'D do!

DV: No I wouldn't. And you just did.

Cap: Dude! No! I am NOT you!

Capellan gets out of the cab and runs over to LD Williams.

Cap: Dude, sorry man, I didn't mean...

LDW (rubs back in pain): Get the hell away from me. I'll be fine. I see you learned a few tricks teaming up with Donnie.

Cap: What? NO!

LDW: Well, there'll be hell to pay, Cap. HELL to pay!

Williams walks away. Cap looks over at Viper.

Cap: I did NOT do THIS!

DV: You tell yourself that, amigo.

Cap: We are NO LONGER amigos!

Cap (to cab driver): And YOU are NOT getting a tip!

cabbie: Cheap piece of shit!

Cap: You just HIT a guy with your car!

cabbie: You wouldn't have knnown unless this guy told you.

Cap: That's NOT the POINT! You almost MURDERED a man!

cabbie: He got up. He's ok!

Cap: You know what? Forget it. You. And you (points to Viper). Forget the both of you!

Capellan walks away mad.

cabbie: What an asshole.

DV: He's actually not so bad of a guy. I'm the asshole.

cabbie: So you gonna pay for his cab fare?

DV: No.

cabbie: You're right. You are an asshole.

[mooseheadjack]

**L.D. Williams is sitting in the locker room, putting ice on his back, when Canadian Dragon enters.**

CD: “Gonna live?”

LD: “Yep. More than I can say for Capellan.”

CD: “Or Stank.”

LD: “You were this close to a title shot.”

CD: “Yep. Don’t you just love American booking? We’ll have to go pay old Bob a visit later.”

LD: “Still, this could work out for us.”

CD: “Us?”

LD: “Stank’s next title defense will be against whoever wins the Elimination Series, which will be me. If he gets hurt in the ladder match this week…”

CD: “A cheap victory? You?”

LD: “Dude, Capellan just hit me with acar. We won the tag titles at gunpoint. Is there even such a thing as a cheap victory around here? Look, I respect the value of the title as much as you do, but I think it’s time we started looking out for ourselves. By any means necessary.”

CD: “Are we talking about another ‘affiliation’?”

LD: “Not like last time. No more alliances of convenience. This time it’s all for one and one for all.”

CD: “And after I win the title?”

LD: “Whoever wins the belt gives the other a title shot. Winner takes the belt, loser goes after a different one.”

CD: “Are we talking about the two of us, or have you got anybody else in mind?”

LD: “I do, but you’re not gonna like it.”

CD: “I am NOT teaming with Antler Boy again!”

LD: “Relax, Jack has his own problems. I was thinking of someone else…”

[mooseheadjack]

Lucios is relaxing in the locker room. Phantos walks in and begins to talk excitedly.

Phantos: The title matches got changed!

Lucios: Slow down. Speak clearly

Phantos: The title matches for Dragon and Defenstrators got changed to non-title matches. Apparently Bob Holly and Rick got into a fight about it

Lucios: Bob Holly? (grabs his Sprint PCS Phone and in the distance a cash register sound chimes) I wonder If Daivn's seen that

[mooseheadjack]

(Ecosystem's Boost Mobile Phone is ringing.)

Eco: (picking up) Where you at?

Voltage: Where you at?

Eco: I know where I'm at, where you at?

Voltage: I'm right behind you.

Eco: Oh. (Turns around and hangs up the phone.) What's up?

Voltage: We don't have a title match anymore!! It's a non-title match!

Eco: You mean my brilliant strategy of having us lose so we'd have to get booked against the champions since there was no one else to wrestle failed??

Voltage: Strategy?

Eco: Yes. Strategy.

Voltage: I don't think we had a strategy.

Eco: Look, I'm going to go beat up Bob Holly. Are you coming or not?

Voltage: Oh. Yeah. Sure.

(They walk off.)

[mooseheadjack]

<TheRick looks up from a monitor placed in his desk just before Stank walks out of his office.>

GMtR - Hold on there Champ.

Stank - What is it?

GMtR - I can't make the match with your title on the line but I CAN make it a Ladder Match, if you still want it.

Stank - That was Dragon's idea not mine. Still, it don't make me no never mind whether it's a Ladder, Ultimate X, or Punjabi Prison match. If HE still wants it, I'm game.

GMtR - Fine I'll talk to Canadian Dragon.

<Bob Holly busts into the office>

BH - YOU'LL do NO SUCH THING! I ain't ALLOWING no LADDER MATCH! I don't CARE if it's Non-Title!

Stank - Who died and put YOU in charge?

BH - Your MOMMA!

Stank - ... Your momma's teeth are so big when she sneezes she bites a hole through her chest.

BH - Your momma is like an SUV, big, black, and room for 6 construction workers inside. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?

Stank - I don't.

<Stank lifts Bob Holly...>

GMtR - NO! NOT THE-

<... and POWERBOMBS him THROUGH Rick's...>

GMtR - ... desk.... What do you have against my desks Stank? I think since I've known you I've had to replace ten of them.

Stank - To be fair I was only responsible for maybe three of those.

GMtR - Now four.

Stank - What was I supposed to do? The guy insulted my mom.

GMtR - ... The FLOOR would have been a nice option! It's nice and hard.

Stank - And RUIN this nice polish? Look at this floor. I can see myself.

GMtR - ... ... get out.

<Bob Holly pops up from the wrecked desk>

BH - WOO! Rock and Roll! I'm the GNARLIEST double champ EVER!

Stank - ...

GMtR - ...

Eco - Way to go, Dude. Totally bitchin'.

Volt - HEY! You aren't supposed to say THAT to HIM!

GMtR - What are you guys doing here?

Volt - We came here to kick Bob Holly's match ruining, LINE STEALING, ASS!

GMtR - I think he's concussed. As you can see, Stank already power bombed him through my desk.

Eco - DAMMIT! I TOLD you we should have went around the other way.

Volt - YEAH! Way to go, DUMBASS!

Eco - ... wh... who are you talking to?

Volt - Uh... no one in particular. I just thought I'd put that catchphrase out there... you know, to keep it in the running for catchprase of the year.

Eco - We ALREADY did the year end awards!

Volt - We did?

Eco - Yeah.

Volt - Did I win any?

Eco - Yeah. Breakout star of the Year.

Volt - WOO! ROCK and ROLL! I'm the Gnarliest award winner EVER!

Eco - Way to go, Dude. Totally Bitchin'.

Stank - I'm NOT doing THIS again.

Eco - It could have won promo of the year if it wasn't for that story you told months back.

Volt - Yeah, way to go, DUMBASS!

Eco - SHUT the fuck up, Johnny won already!

Volt - My name's not Johnny one?

GMtR - Oh for CRISSAKES! ALL of you get OUT!... AND TAKE Holly with you!

BH - I like beans... especially Lima.

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland is presumably doing very little in the hallway when he gets a text message on his new Sprint PCS phone.*

DM: You've GOTTA be shittin' me...

*Davin goes into the [redacted] Locker Room*

DM: Are you serious?

P: Um...Huh?

*Lucios jingles his keys. With Phantos now mesmerized, he throws them across the locker room*

L: Yup, totally serious.

DM: I mean, it's not like it matters, it's just REALLY disrespectful.

L: Maybe you should talk to him?

DM: Well, I think I'll see the Boss first. I'm trying to cut down on my random attacks.

L: I said TALK to him.

DM: Yeah *pats Lucios on the shoulder* you'll see how well that works around here. Lemme get a workout in first...Hey Phantos!

P: *comes sprinting into view* Yeah?

DM: Wanna do some flippy shit sparring?

P: YEAH! Awesome. Lucios, you call it.

*fade to commercial*

*fade back*

*Davin and Phantos are doing some crazy flippy shit spots, and Lucios rings the bell. Davin wraps a towel around his neck, and shakes Phantos' hand*

DM: Great job, man.

P: Thanks. Hey Lucios! You ready?

L: Ha! Yeah, all right. Hey, listen Davin, try not to kill anyone, ok?

DM: No promises.

*Davin wanders down to GM the Rick's office*

*knock knock*

GMtR: Come in, Davin

DM: *opens the door and comes in* How did you know it was me?

GMtR: You're the only one who knocks. So, what's up?

DM: Boss, what's up with me being the only one defending my title? Why isn't Outback Jack's belt on the line? Why is this even a title match when all the other ones outside the tourney are non-title?

GMtR: Bob.

DM: How in the blue fuck does Bob freakin Holly have any stroke around here?

BH: Because I do. And I don't respect little punks who don't respect me.

DM: See this Bob? This is a CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE. Look at it real good. It's as close as you're ever gonna get to one.

BH: You little...*Bob Holly throws 2 straight STIFF right hands*

DM: *rubs his face, looks at his hand, looks at Holly, and grins* You done messed with the wrong dude, Holly.

*Davin hits a wicked kick-wham DDT, pulls Holly to his feet, and hits a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER. He pulls a lifeless Bob Holly to his feet, bounces off the wall and hits a DOLPHIN KICK. My God. Holly is DONE!*

GMtR: So, I guess you want your match to be non-title as well?

DM: Nah. Just wanted to remind dicksmack over here that here, we put the "F" in. Holly *he yells at the lifeless corpse*, This is the OOWF. I'm not even the top guy in this fed. Try this against OBJ, Moose or Stank. I freakin' dare you.

GMtR: So, the match is ok?

DM: Yeah, no problem. Just gotta bring my "A" game. Just wish it wasn't just my title on the line. Anyway, you ready for that other thing?

GMtR: Yup, we should have everything all set.

DM: Cool. See ya Boss.

GMtR: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!

*Davin stops at the doorway, and turns and faces the camera suddenly drinking a Double Brewed Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts*

DM: This promo has been brought to you by...Dunkin' Donuts....Yum! Foods, D'angelo's/Papa Gino's and Sprint PCS

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin turns to walk away from the Rick's office and the camera dramatically reveals Outback Jack standing there. (Because in kayfabe no one has peripheral vision.)*

Davin: Jack.

OBJ: Davin.

Davin: So it's my belt on the line this week.

OBJ: Right. So I guess we have to follow the Onslaught rules.

Davin: I would assume so.

OBJ: I have to admit I'm a little rusty on some of the details of the rulebook, but I'll be prepared.

Davin: Well, it's not too complicated. There's just a few key things to avoid.

*Bob Holly staggers out*

OBJ: Like this? *Fingerpokes Holly in the eyes* Or this? *Uppernuts Holly*

Davin: Yes. And definitely don't do this. *Lays Holly out with a chairshot*

OBJ: Right. Well, I appreciate the advice.

Davin: All in the spirit of the Onslaught Division, "mate"!

OBJ (slams beer and belches): Australian for wicked pissah!

Bob Holly (from the floor): What the hell kind of English is that, boy!

OBJ: Shut up the fuck up, Thurman!

BH: Don't call me that!

[mooseheadjack]

Phantos & Lucios are sitting at a meeting room table with several men in suits.

Lucios : (skimming through a document) ..and they agreed to all of the terms?

Suit #1: Yes sir. You get that amount you or anyone associated with you mentions the product.

Phantos: Anyone? and we get paid?

Suit #2: Yes. Much the same as Mr. Moreland recieves for his endorsments.

Phantos: Cool!

Lucios: We got the logoed Boots, tights and T-shirts as well?

Suit #2: As many as you need. (he pauses & looks @ Phantos) They weren't as keen on the cape, though. The board thought it was a little too much.

Phantos: Aww man!

Suit #3: And of course, the company will be shipping you a couple of cases a week, we will just need to know where to send each delivery.

Lucios: Check with the the General manager's office. I'm sure he has a travel schedule.

(the Suits stand up and everyone shakes hands. One of the Suits places a large crate on the table and they leave)

(Lucios opens the crate and pulls out three pair of wrestling boots, a stack of t-shirts, some wrestling tights, trunks, and a couple of masks as well. All the gear is blue and the Aquafina logo is prevelant everywhere.

P: 3 pair of boots?

L: I thought I'd offer one to Davin. I know he prefers the jeans/football jersey look, so I didn't get him any other ring gear. He can have a couple of t-shirts too.

P: I can't believe we're changing our colors man.

L: Hey, think of it as a new beginning. A new look, a new attitude, a new set of zero's on the good side of the bank account, and soon, a new pair of...

P: (cuts him off) sunglasses?? I'd LOVE a new pair of Oakleys

L: We don't have a deal with them yet. notice the name isn't in bold where your lines are.

P: Aww man.

L: .....As I was saying, a new pair of Championship Belts, to go with our new look.

P: Still will seem odd not to wear the silver and red.

L: I'm not crazy about the colors, but the free water, the free gear, and the money more than make up for it. I need to thank Davin for getting us in touch with that marketing agent.

(Lucios pulls an Aquafina t-shirt on and gathers up the items in the crate.)

L: Come on, Rick said there was another meeting in here today. let's go get some refreshing Aquafina and get ready for the match tonight.

(in the distance the cash register chime sounds again)

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster are sitting in the lobby of some sort of office. Johnny is nibbling on the fruit tray, while AA pulls some bread out of his coat and makes a sandwich out of it.]

JA: What are you doing?

AA: Um... living the gimmick?

JA: There's nobody else here.

AA: Hey, you never know where Jim Cornette may pop out from.

JA: He doesn't work here.

AA: Neither do we.

[On that, Vince McMahon steps out of the door behind TCH and walks into the room.]

VKM: Johnny, Alan... glad you took time out of your day to stop by.

JA: Glad you took time out of your busy schedule to see us.

VKM: Well, yeah...

AA: Hey, I thought you died.

VKM: Alan, that...

JA: He did, dipshit. But Chris Benoit OD'ing on some shit fucked that all up.

VKM: You can't say that.

AA: Say what? Shit?

JA: Fucked?

VKM: No, that's fine. It was the [whispering] "Chris Benoit" [/whispering] part that I was referring to. You can't say that on WWE TV.

AA: But we're not on WWE TV. This is being taped for something else.

VKM: Oh yeah... right.

AA: Mr. McMahon, we're really looking forward to debuting on RAW in two weeks.

JA: Yeah, Dunn showed me the hype videos, they were great.

AA: How long before we job to Triple H in a handicap match and get jobbed out on Heat?

JA: Seven weeks?

VKM: Actually guys... we ran a background check and unfortunately, we will be unable to contract with you for business.

JA: WHAT?

AA: Look, we settled that whole Indian Elixir Man misunderstanding out of court last year. That's why we stopped wearing the masks and let those other guys have that gimmick.

VKM: No, no... we saw that on the report. It's actually an incident here in the last month that is the hiccup.

JA: Huh?

VKM: Something about theft and sale of stolen property.

AA: The tag team titles?

VKM: Yes... from a Mr. Richard Scaia.

JA: THAT WAS AN ANGLE!

VKM: Here... [hands paper to AA] ...see for yourself.

AA: [scans document] This is bullshit. We didn't steal anything or sell anything. That was an angle to send us out the door. I allegedly lost a lot of money by betting on football so we pawned the belts off to pay my bookie and Rick had us suspended.

JA: So how'd ya do this weekend?

AA: SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHNNY!

VKM: Boys, I'd love to bring you on, but company policy...

JA: Company policy? You bring on a murderer like Jimmy Snuka for one off deals once a year. And you got steroid abusers...

VKM: WE HAVE A STRICT STEROID POLICY!

AA: I'm on a diet, too, Vince.

VKM: Appearances can be deceiving.

JA: Yeah, just like this bullshit background check.

AA: Look, Vince... put us under masks or something. We'll job til the cows come home if that's what it takes.

JA: Just so long as we get one tag team title run.

VKM: [looks at both of them and sighs] Get the hell outta here.

[JA and AA stand in silence as Vince goes back to his office.]

AA: It was an angle.

JA: Tell that to your bookie.

VKM: [thru the door] SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHNNY!

AA: Yeah, Johnny...

[fade out]

[mooseheadjack]

(El Voltaje is hanging around with The Great Khali.)

El Voltaje: Amigo, ?tu viste Ecosistema anywhere around here?

Khali: BYARRRRRGHHHH!!!!

El Voltaje: That's un problema, man. Phantos y Lucios have been racking up the advertising dolares y tienen un amigo nuevo, Davin Moreland.

Khali: BYARRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!

El Voltaje: Si, amigo. Davin Moreland es un poco of a loser. Pero, todo es el mismo. Ecosistema y yo necesitamos un gran victory.

(Ecosistema y Mario Estupendo enter.)

El Voltaje: ?Donde estuviste? (Where were you?)

El Ecosistema: Relajábamos. ?Por que no? Ganaremos contra los bastardos apocalípticos y los villanos pac-man con comodidad. (Relaxing. Why not? We will win against those Apocalyptic Bastards and those Pac-Man villains with ease.)

El Voltaje: No se...Mario Estupendo, que crees? (I don't know. What do you think, Super Mario?)

Mario Estupendo: MARIO ESTUPENDO!

Khali: BYARRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!!

El Ecosistema: Están de acuerdo conmigo. (They agree with me.)

El Voltaje: Vale... (Okay...)

El Ecosistema: ?Bocadillos? (Sandwiches?)

El Voltaje: ?Pizza?

Mario Estupendo: MARIO ESTUPENDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Khali: BYARRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!

El Voltaje: Están de acuerdo conmigo.

[mooseheadjack]

(Concrete is working out in the abandoned gym when SFJ#52 walks in)

SFJ#52: Concrete, do you have a moment to talk about your match?

CTG: one sec..... (finishes his set of pushups while braced on some hexogonal weights, then pushes to his feet) ok, what would you like to know?

SFJ#52: I wanted to get your thoughts about your opponents - since it's a double elimination match.

CTG: Ryan Hardcore, the newcomer, impresses me so far - I expect him to hold his own. Knife and I have had a falling-out of sorts in our discussions, but that will not deter me from continuing toward my goals.

SFJ#52: and Moosehead Jack?

CTG: (face darkens, turns to the Invisible Ninja Cameraman) Moose - I'm getting pretty damn tired of warning you.... no matter what I have done in this company doesn't seem to meet your underground standard and I think it's about time you Cowboyed up. Stop with the stupid smoke and mirrors game and look me SQUARE IN THE EYE and tell me how bad you want this title! Look me SQUARE IN THE FACE and show me that you're some semblance of a man and not the snake you seem to worship! Get your ass out of the shadows and walk into that spotlight - so I can see you face-to-face, man-to-man, and settle this matter once and for all!

SFJ#52: (gawking)

CTG: ? *ahem* sorry, but that has been on my mind of late.(takes a deep breath) excuse me (walks out of the shot)

[mooseheadjack]

<Moose walks right up to Crete and goes nose to nose with him. After several seconds of silence Moose speaks.>

"No games Crete, you tell me, what is it you stand for, what is it that drives you? The Purity of wrestling. All that is good in wrestling, and all that you have left to cling to is wrapped up in that title. So, do I want it? You bet your ass I want it. Nothing I can do with barbed wire or broken glass will hurt you more. Trust Me."

<Moose walks away leaving Crete staring after him>

[mooseheadjack]

F. Fonzworth Cappington III and Lance meet Firechild in the halls beneath the arena.

FFC3: Don't look now Lance, but here another one of those base-born curs who seeks to keep me from my rightful Intercontinental Title.

Lance: Quite true Sir, it is shocking how such vile and common rffraf are allowed to compete with the likes of your august self.

Firechild stops, double takes, and starts laughing.

FC: You guys are too good, and so very 19th century. Cappington, you'd better get that silver spoon out of your mouth before I take it out, shine it up real nice and.....

Firechild is mowed down by a golf cart marked 'GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT' but he quickly gets back to his feet and dusts himself off.

FC:... yeah, well you get the idea. You won't stop me getting my rightful rematch for my Intercontinental title, Capslock.

Cappington reacts as if struck, then speaks.

FFC3: You do well to remember your position in life, boy. Remember it was my pinning Westgaard last week that kept you in this competitin, and maybe this week I'll give YOU a lesson in class, breeding and martial prowess and you'll be the one starting at the ceiling.

FC: I wouldn't depend upon it, Mr the Third (smirks). With your dantified sensibilities, your not half the man me, or Spin are. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Cappington looks likely to lose his cool, but Lance interjects.

Lance: Come sir, let us away, it is not seemly for one of your station to be seen bandying words with such a common vagabond....

Capington recovers himself and walks awasy, niose in the air, then speaking to Lance...

FFC3: You are quite right of course my man, in fact that base cur Firechild quite puts me in mind of a tale my father told me of some Scots peasants he had to forcibly remove from his land when he was building the Cappinglen gold course in the 70s........

FFC3 and Lance disappear round a corner, but the ninja camerman spots Firechild, who has stopped laughing and a look of cold, and dreadful anger has replaced mirth on his face...

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank walks into the Destroyitarium, plops his World title on the bar, grabs a mug and...*

Stank - This place only has Miller Lite on tap?!?

SH - This was the closest bar to the arena.

OBJ - Spin's right. The only other one is clear across town.

Stank - ... Miller Lite?

SH - There are bottled Killians in the fridge.

*Stank grabs a bottle and tops off his mug of Miller Lite with it. He takes a swig and chokes it down, a disgusted look follows. He takes another swig.*

Stank - Well Bob Holly canceled my ladder match.

OBJ - You can't have two Ladder matches on a card anyway.

SH - Unless EVERY match was a ladder match.

Stank - What do you mean two?

OBJ - The Tag Champs are in a Non-Title Ladder match against the Defenestrators.

Stank - They are?

OBJ - Yeah.

Stank - Son of a bitch.

SH - Why would you want to fight Canadian Dragon in a ladder match anyway? Why not just have a straight up wrestling match?

Stank - Wrestling... in an OOWF match... hmmm... that idea is just crazy enough to work.

*A miller Lite truck pulls up out front. The driver exits his vehicle, and enters the Destroyitarium.*

Driver - I have twelve kegs of Miller Lite here for Mr. Brasky.

Stank - What the fuck is up with this place and Miller Lite?

OBJ - Who's Brasky?

SH - Oh... he must mean the bartender. We ran him off.

OBJ - I'll sign for it.

Stank - DON'T you dare! Not ONE more drop of that swill is coming in here as long as we've got the place.

Driver - ... uh...

Stank - Just go away. Come back after we've left.

Driver - ... uh... ok.

*The driver hops back into his struck and leaves*

OBJ - Since when did you become a beer snob, Stank?

Stank - Funny story that. You see about four years ago, when I was younger and less impressionable, I happened upon an establishment, in Facevile Georgia, called L& J Ribs & Things. The ribs were mighty tasty, but it turns out amongst the things sold there, was a storehouse of priceless novelty kegs. In each keg was a special brew of THE finest beers this country has to offer. I got a chance to sample each one.

SH - How many were there?

Stank - Two hundred and twelve. Two hundred and twelve unique flavors and brands of beer, from all over the world. It was then that I promised myself that if I ever won the World Title I would never drink below the standards of these brews again.

SH - Wow.

OBJ - Hold on there sport. Weren't you an executive at some corporation in Atlanta?

Stank - ...

SH - Yeah wait-a-minute, were you even in the OOWF at the time?

Stank - It don't matter. I had dreams.

OBJ - Who the hell quits an executive position in a multi-million dollar corporation to become a professional wrestler anyway?

Stank - I'm a big guy. I was missing my calling in life.

SH - I think my calling in life is to grow avocados. Back when I was in jail with Josh, he and I were supposed to use the money we made from wrestling to buy an avocado farm out in California.

But do you know what that asshole told me after he got out?

Avocados are STUPID!

Can you BELIEVE that PRICK!?!

Avocados aren't stupid! They're delicate and nutritious and DAMN TASTY!

You know what? Avocados are SMART!

That's right, SMART!

They're the smartest fruit EVER and do you know WHY? I'll tell you!

Because they go with EVERYTHING! You can't say that about all fruits!

You ever have avocado with Salmon? With Turkey? How about avocado gelato?

That's RIGHT!

Mix it with some lemon and lime, add a little sugar...

TASTY!

Hell, I bet if you added avocado to that beer you're drinking you would like it better!

Pfft, stupid. Josh was a MORON! I'm glad I beat his ass and sent him packing! NO JOSH! YOU'RE the one that's STUPID, you FUCKING LOW LIFE!

Stank - ...

OBJ - ...

SH - THAT'S what I should have said to him... I should have said THAT!

OBJ - ... ...

Spin - ... we could have made a ton of money.

Stank - ... Yeah... anyway, I don't like Miller Lite.

OBJ - Oranges.

Spin - Excuse me?

OBJ - Oranges go with just about everything.

Stank - Yeah, lemon too.

Spin - SHUT UP! Who'd want to INVEST in an ORANGE and LEMON farm?

Stank - I think you have an avocado bias.

Spin - DO NOT!

OBJ - ... you ever have pineapple salsa?

Spin - SHUT UP!

[mooseheadjack]

<GM the Rick is WALKING when he is stopped by Canadian Dragon>

CD: Rick, what the hell, I thought I had the ladder match?

GMtR: You DO

CD: That's not what the sheet says

GMtR: The sheet is wrong. The tag match is just a non-title match, your match is a ladder match

CD: Great, so I have a world title ladder match this week against Stank

GMtR: No

CD: but you said.....

GMtR: Look, it is a NON-TITLE match, because it would be stupid to give the losers of the elimination series title matches, right?

CD: But I have EARNED a title shot!

GMtR: And you will get it eventually

CD: Well then, it it is not a title match, then I am not wasting my stip on this match! No way in hell!

GMtR: <sighing> FINE. It is still a ladder match, but it is non title

<Rick goes to walk away but CD stops him>

CD: One thing Rick. What's above the ladder?

GMtR: What?

CD: Well, in a ladder match the point is to climb the ladder to get something. The title is not on the line, so what is up there?

GMtR: Nothing

CD: What?

GMtR: Nothing is up there ok? It is a non-title match where a ladder is legal to do with as you please. Pin submission countout and DQ still win the match

CD: That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard

GMtR: I could give the match to someone else......

CD: Fine, but when you champ is crippled in a non-title match it is on your head

<CD turns and walks off, Rick watches him go, shaking his head>

GMtR: Fucking Bob Holly....

[mooseheadjack]

F. Fonzworth Cappington III comes into the Destroyitariareum.

FFC3- GENTLEMEN!

SH- What do you want, sell-out?

FFC3- Oh please, old friends, I come bringing tidings of friendship. Boys!

Two men cart in several kegs of high end lagers, porters and droughts.

FFC3- Here you are!

Stank- What's all this for?

FFC3- Well, for all of you. For our glorious world champion, for one of my opponants this week, and for the soon-to-be former Intercontinental Champion.

OBJ- Wait just a minute...

FFC3- Do you deny it? Its more than obvious who's going to win this match. Me. And you can't beat me, Jack.

OBJ- You know what, I think I'll stick with my Miller Lite. (BELCH) That's austrailian for go shove these kegs up your ass.

Stank- Please Jack, we're not too good for these gifts. We'll gladly accept these, FF. Thank you.

SH- Why are you being so gracious to this traitor?

Stank- Because he was once a friend and stablemate of ours and we don't forget our friends...

...okay mostly for the free beer.

FFC3- And Spin, here's something just for you. Maybe you'll accept this in exchange for helping me this week. What say you and I work together and eliminate Firechild from this thing? It'd be a lot easier for both of us if we just had a one-on-one match to determine the number one contender, you know. Anyways, here you go.

Cappington hands Spin some papers and walks out the door with a wave goodbye.

Stank- What is it?

SH- Its the deed to my own avacado farm in California.

OBJ- (BELCH!) That's australian for moral delema, mate.

[mooseheadjack]

SH: Well, shit. This is all that I ever hoped for.

OBJ: Your three driving forces in life were revenge against Josh, Jagermeister, and avacados?

SH: And an unhealthy desire to hurt people, too.

OBJ: And you still feel like you've got something to prove and a drive to prove that you're being treated unfairly.

Stank: Of course.

SH: So what do I do? Do I take the money and run, destroying the respect that Firechild has for me? Or do I tell Cappington to cram it and have him turn his money and all it can buy against me?

OBJ: Hard choice, mate.

Stank: You've gotta do what you gotta do.

SH: Fuck. Hand me one of those kegs.

[mooseheadjack]

<Moosehead Jack is sitting on a stack of pallets wrapping barbed wire around a baseball bat when Davin Moreland walks by and notices him sitting there>

DM: So, Moose, you think you are just going to take my Onslaught Championship to spite Crete huh.

MHJ:<not looking up> Nothing personal Moreland, but I know it will piss Crete off, so I am going to get that title before he does.

DM: You talk about it like me and the rest of the Onslaught division don't even matter

MHJ: <still not looking up> In the end, you don't. <finally looking up> Look Moreland, this is not about the Onslaught Championship, this is about finally destroying the last thing Crete holds dear in wrestling. This is about me, the man he believes is the embodiment of evil holding a title that represents the purity in this sport. It doesn't matter if it was you holding it, or Knife, or Hardcore. The end result would be the same.

DM: That so Moose. I think you are forgetting one thing. I am Davin Moreland, and I'm not your Bi......

<Before he can finish, Moose pounces off the pallets and catches Moreland in the head with the barbed wire bat, opening a nasty gash on Moreland's head and knocking him to the floor where blood quickly pools up. Moose gets to his feet and starts to walk away, but Moreland gets to his feet and bellows like a wildebeast and charges at Moose, who turns around just in time to be driven hard into a conveniently placed metal garage door. Moose falls to the floor and Moreland gets some heavy shots in to Moose's head, but Jack responds with a thumb to the eye. The two of them fight to their feet where they are finally pulled apart by a crowd of backstage security>

DM: YOU BRING IT MOOSE! ANY TIME!! I AM THE CHAMPION!!! I EARNED THIS TITLE!!! YOU AIN'T TAKING IT SO YOU CAN PLAY MINDGAMES WITH CRETE!!! GO TO HELL JACK!!

<Moose just glares at Moreland and grins as he lets himself be led away by security>