Post by mooseheadjack on Sept 30, 2012 22:07:03 GMT -5
OOWF 2012 Awards Ceremony
<We open in the Dayton Civic Center Annex for the 2012 OOWF Awards Ceremony. The camera pans around and we see all the OOWF stars sitting in attendance, once again dressed to the nines. The music stops playing and Voice Over Guy speaks>
VOG: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the 2011/2012 OOWF Awards! We are coming to you live from the Dayton Convention Center Annex! Tonight is the night we have all been waiting for, the crowning of this year’s award winners. And now, to kick things off this evening, please welcome the conscious of the OOWF, the toughest Priest since Father Mulcahey, the Champion of the Confessional, the Badass of Baptisms, Savior of Souls…….Father Lou!
<Father Lou gets a nice ovation from the crowd>
Please rise while Father Lou leads us in the OOWF prayer:
Our Hardcore who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy blades
Thy bed of nails, thy wounds be done with chairs or with barbed and razored wire.....
Give us this day our daily bled
and forgive us our shattered glasses
as we forgive those who use broken glass against us
And lead us not into garbage, but deliver us from mediocrity.....
VOG: Now, ladies and gentlemen please welcome out emcee for the night, more than just a pretty face, she has a mean streak in there too, GM Selena!
GMS: Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here tonight for the Eighth Annual OOWF Awards show!
<the crowd cheers>
GMS: Eight years……After the year we have had, I didn’t think some of you would make it to this year’s awards<Selena laughs> Seriously though, as you know, this is a celebration of the best of the OOWF in the last year, as voted on by you, the stars of the OOWF. Last night we inducted two more members into the OOWF Hall of Fame. That was their night, tonight, is your night to shine.
<applause>
GMS: Now, I know you will ALL be on your best behavior tonight <rolls her eyes> cause after LAST year……seriously, they are going to kick us out of here. So unless you want to your awards ceremony in some icky place like Duluth, you better all BEHAVE! Ok, our first award tonight is to recognize the individual who has had the greatest impact in their rookie year. Here to introduce the winner of Breakthrough Star of the Year is……the greatest man who ever lives…….AUSTIN ARIES!
<the TNA world heavyweight champion Austin Aries walks out and gets a standing ovation from the crowd>
AA: You know, when the head honchos in the OOWF called me and asked me to present this award, they told me it was because, in their eyes, I was the breakout star in professional wrestling so far this year. They said I went from relative unknown, to the TNA X Division champion, to the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Well, what that tells me is that they have not been paying attention. Since I made my debut on November 11, 2000, I have been THE greatest man in professional wrestling. This is not new, this is just the rest of you catching on to the truth. Now…….since the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived is also a professional so, Voice Over Guy, do your thing, I will wait…..
VOG: The nominees for Breakthrough Star of the Year are……Awesome Bill From Dawsonville, Power & Glory and Ghosthead
AA: And the winner is……….Awesome Bill From Dawsonville!
<The crowd applauds as Bill walks to the podium and downs the rest of a mason jar of PCP. GM Selena just shakes her head. Bill and Austin shake hands, and you couldn’t possibly have two more opposite people sharing the same stage>
ABFD: Well hell far! This chere award will look outdamnstandener than hell on my rascal-jet ski-rascal! Theys so many people I can thank for this, theys Cousin Will From Dawsonville, theys Old Granny Lil From Dawsonville, theys Justin and Ellie May……but the one imma have to thank the most is ol General Motors Selena. That ol girl has been behind me since day one <Selena in the background – “I hate you”> When I done run afoul with Johnny Law on numeratous occasions, General Motors Selena was right there with the bail money and a kind word <Selena – I wanted to fire you>. When there was that thar little incident in Compton what resulted in the city more or less burning to the ground, ol General Motors told me it warn’t nothin’ and it coulda happened to anyone <Selena – we are being sued, I want to turn you over to authorities> So, I guess what I am a sayin is ol General Motors Selena, you’s allright in my book! LOOKIT ME JUSTIN! I’M OUTDAMNSTANDENER THAN HELL! ……..hey, wait, where’s Justin?
<The crowd all looks around, but the table reserved for Banned From Everywhere is empty. Some ushers open the lobby doors and we see Justin sitting on Drunkette with a megaphone>
JS: Bill! You gotta get outta there! We can’t be in there!
ABFD: Aw HELL! We banned from here too?
JS: We are <crowd sings along> BANNED FROM EVERWHERE!
ABFD: HOT DAMN! <security approaches Bill from both sides> Uh oh! Gotta go! <Bill hops off the sage, and heads out the door with Justin, Ellie May, Drunkey and Drunkette>
<GM Selena steps back to the podium shaking her head>
GMS: Seriously, why did we hire him? I have seen hammers smarter than that guy
<Chuckles laughs loudly just off stage, Selena glares at him until he stops>
GMS: Ok, moving along! Our next award is one I am familiar with, it’s for NPC, that’s Non-Player Character for those who don’t know, of the year. An NPC is a valuable asset to the OOWF as they can further the storyli……..
Voice: EXCUSE ME! <boos> EXCUSE ME!
<Vickie Gurrero walks out on stage, and she gets a rousing boo from the crowd>
VG: EXCUSE ME! I am the manager of the NEXT WWE World Heavyweight Champion! I am the SHINING BEACON of BEAUTY among women in wrestling today…..<more boos> EXCUSE ME!
VOG: The nominees for……
VG: EXCUSE ME! I was NOT done talking Voice Over Guy!
<Awkward silence>
VG: Now you may announce the nominees
VOG: The nominees for NPC of the Year are……”Dashing” Victor Dinero, with name now correctly spelled, the lovely and talented GM Selena, and me, Voice Over Guy
VG: And the winner is……….VOICE OVER GUY? THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON!
<Vickie has a little tantrum and slips on some PCPL Bill spilled, or sweated out, who knows. Security drags her off stage so Voice Over Guy can talk>
VOG: Well this is certainly a surprise. When I got my first big break, I was the guy narrating The Wonder Years……let me tell you about that Winnie Cooper, amirite guys? <silence> Well, anyway, I got my big break there, but then my career tailed off and I was forced to do the voice over work for that awful Dukes of Hazard movie. Thankfully my buddy El Lobo Sangriento gave me a call and told me he had an idea. The rest is, as they say, history. Get well Lobo!
<The audience applauds Voice Over Guy and GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: I am still not sure exactly how that works, but congratulations Voice Over Dude! Ok our next award is for Gimmick of the Year. A Gimmick is the thing that gives a wrester a hook. For some, it is just being a great wrestler, for others <glaring out the door where Justin and Bill are riding Drunkey and Drunkette protesting being banned from the awards> it is BEING A DRUNKEN LOUT! Ahem. Anyway, here to present the award for Gimmick of the Year is former OOWF World Tag Team Champion, Irwin R. Shyster!
<IRS walks out onto the stage complete with suitcase and power suit. He glares out over the crowd for a minute>
IRS: I know you are all tax cheats. <boos> I know you all have failed to pay your taxes, your debt to society, you are all a bunch of bingo hall free loaders. Before we leave here tonight, I am going to PERSONALLY do an audit on each and every one of you and make sure you get what you deserve! But first, I am going to present the award for Gimmick of the Year……Voice Over Guy……who by the way, since you are now an award winning entity, I am going to make CERTAIN you pay in your new tax bracket, so go ahead and announce the nominees
VOG: Well, normally I have a guy who takes care of that kind of thing…..anyway, the nominees for Gimmick of the Year are……The Kai….Mai Finds God…...Awesome Bill From Dawsonville….and Banned From Everywhere
IRS: And the winner is……..those no good tax cheats, BANNED FROM EVERYWHERE!
<The crowd applauds Banned From Everywhere and looks up at the video screen on the stage where SFJ01 is with Justin, Bill, Ellie May, Drunkey and Drunkette>
SFJ01: I am here with Gimmick of the Year winners Banned From Everywhere and……well where exactly are we?
ABFD: We are at the Five Rivers Parks in Dayton
SFJ01: Why?
ABFD: Did you know you could be banned from a STREET?
SFJ01: You are banned from there too?
JS: We are <crowd sings along again> BANNED FROM EVERYWHERE
SFJ01: Wouldn’t that mean you are banned from this park too?
JS: We are?
ABFD: We are?
EMFE: We haven’t even been to this park before, how could we possibly be banned…….
<Just then a police officer walks up to them with papers>
ABFD: It’s JOHNNY LAW!
JS: RUN!
Drunkey & Drunkette: EEEEEEE-YA!
<Justin and Bill take off on Drunkey and Drunkette, a few police officers on horseback join in and we have a high speed chase, soon a helicopter is heard, surely there will be updates>
EMFE: <shaking her head> Let me guess……
Officer: Folks you are going to have to move along, we just got word, you are banned from the Dayton Five Rivers Metro Park
EMFE: Naturally
<we cut back to GM Selena who has her head in her hands at the podium>
GMS: Just ONCE, ONCE! I would like to have a special event that didn’t end with those two in a high speed chase. <GM Selena composes herself and clears her throat> Ok, well, those two will be dealt with later. Right now, I would like to move on to our next award…….Catchphrase of the Year! I think we all know what a catchphrase is, it is something catchy someone says, something the fans should enjoy…..
Crowd: YES! YES! YES! YES!
GMS: EXACTLY! Something like that! Here to present the award for catchphrase of the year……oh jeez, these two might be as bad as those two jackasses…..the ones riding the donkeys. Ladies and Gentlemen, THE BRISCOES!
Crowd: MAN UP! MAN UP! MAN UP!
<The Briscoes come out onto the stage and point to the crowd which gets them a huge ovation>
Jay: You know, back in Sandy Fork, Papa Briscoe pulled us aside and told us, Dem Boys gotta have them a catchphrase. You boys gotta have a hook. You boys gotta have somethin the crowd can yell durin a match!
Mark: Papa Briscoe told us to MAN UP and think of somethin. I looked at Jay and said, “Hey, I think he just thought of something!” MAN UP!
Crowd: MAN UP! MAN UP! MAN UP!
Jay: So tonight, we are gonna present the award for Catchphrase of the Year, Voice Over Guy…..
VOG: The nominees for Catchphrase of the Year are……Trust Me – Moosehead Jack….If You Smell What the Kai is Surfin – The Kai….Feel My Pain – Ricky Soaring Eagle….They are the Darlings/Phoenix Rising, and You’re Just Not – Alexander Darling….and….I Can’t Believe I Work in This Shithole – Stan Fulton
Mark: And the winner is………
Both: I CAN’T BELIEVE I WORK IN THIS SHITHOLE! Stan Fulton!
<Reverend Stan Fulton gets to his feet and gets a big hug from Mai. He makes his way to the podium and accepts the award, shaking hands with Mark and Jay>
RSF: I have to admit, I am a little embarrassed by this award. That is the kind of language the old Stan Fulton would use. I am not proud of that. At the time, that is how I felt about the OOWF, and……well, I thought the New Guard could help clean this place up and make it less of a shi…..well, less of a bad place to work. I was wrong about that. Turns out, we were as much a part of the problem as anything else. I want to thank Mai for helping me get on the right path. Together we are going to clean up the OOWF, but not for greedy purposes, but because it is the right thing to do. Thank you
<Stan gets a standing ovation as he heads back to his seat and gets another hug from Mai. GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: That’s it? No violence? No swearing? No one going through a table? This place is going soft! Our next award is for Finisher of the Year. A finisher should me a move SO devastating that no one can get up from it! It leads to broken bones and carnage and mayhem and blood and…..
VOG: Ahem
GMS: Don’t ever ahem me Voice Over Guy. Anyway, here to present the award for Finisher of the Year……oh no……
UBUNTU!
<John Cena comes out onto the stage and gets a HUGE chorus of boos from the crowd. John is in full-on pander mode wearing a Dayton Flyers hat, an OOWF t-shirt and is carrying a Fear the Fraud coffee mug>
JC: <waiting for the boos to die down, which takes awhile> I see some of you don’t like me. You know, I was here last year to present this award, and things didn’t go so well. ROLL THE FOOTAGE!
<The crowd cheers this loudly>
JC: Ok, ok, I just want you to know that after THAT little incident, I suffered a bruised sternum and a concussion……it was nearly a career threatening injury for me…..
Crowd: NO ONE CARES CENA!
JC: <going into yelly mode> I DO THIS FOR YOU! FOR THE FANS! I GIVE IT ALL EACH AND EVERY NIGHT! I LEAVE EVERY BIT IN THE RING AND I……
<Cena’s mic cuts off and Voice Over Guy announces the nominees>
VOG: The nominees for Finisher of the Year are…Phantasmagoria – Ghosthead…..Double Elimination – Power & Glory….and…..Dynamite Drop – Danny Taylor
JC: And the winner is……really? Double Elimination, Power & Glory!
<Clio and Edra squeal and get to their feet and hug Wyatt, Mary Lou and Kate and make their way to the podium.>
Clio: This is a real honor for us.
Edra: When we came to the OOWF, we knew we had what it takes to compete, but we also knew we needed a finisher, something that we could pull off at any time and would be devastating
Clio: We watched a whole lot of tape of the greatest tag teams in wrestling history, we watched the Road Warriors, the Midnight Express, the British Bulldogs, the Hart Foundation, the Eliminators, the list goes on and on
Edra: We liked the Eliminators move, but we decided to add our own touch to it, make it our own, and I have to say we are very proud of it!
<Cena starts clapping, then approaches the girls and speaks, the mic picks it up>
JC: You know, I can put in a good word with Vince, a few months in FCW and you two could compete with the Divas on Monday Night Raw….
<Clio and Edra both stare at him in disbelief, Edra smiles at him and feigns flattery, then they hit DOUBLE ELIMINATION ON CENA! CENA IS CUT IN HALF! The girls look down at him in disgust, then take their awards and head back to their seats. Medics come to put Cena on a stretcher, GM Selena walks back to the podium and watches them take Cena off the stage>
GMS: Vince is going to be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiised, but, he really deserved that one. Jerk. Ok! Moving on! Our next award is for Promo of the Year. We all know what a promo is, do I really have to do this? Ok fine! A promo is something Matt Folz never does! HA! See what I did there? Ok seriously, a good promo is as big a part of wrestling as anything. It can set the stage for a match and make people who normally might not watch tune in to see it. In other words, a good promo dude is as important as a good wrestling dude. Here to present Promo of the Year is one of the best promo dudes ever……The Louisville Lip, Jim Cornette!
<Cornette walks out on stage and gets a standing ovation from the crowd. He has his tennis racket with him and he soaks it in for a minute, then speaks>
JC: Thank you……General Manager dude, or whatever. You know, when I was a boy, it was my dream to be a professional wrestler. All through school I had that dream, I even enrolled in a wrestling school to learn the craft. The first day I was there, the trainer pulled me aside and said “son, it isn’t going to happen. You are a buck twenty five soaking wet, and lifting all the weights in the world ain’t gonna help you.” Well I was devastated. I told him I wanted to do something, anything, in the wrestling business, so what could I do? He said “learn to talk. There will always be a place for someone who knows how to talk.” So I worked on that. I spent hours practicing promos. I watched tape of the greats, I worked my butt off and it all paid off. So take it from a scrawny guy who couldn’t wrestle his way out of a paper bag, the gift of lip can take you a long way in this business. Now, Voice Over Guy, if you would…..
VOG: The nominees for Promo of the Year are….Ecosystem recaps his history with Firewoman….The New Guard Destroys Outback Jack….Attitude Adjuster directs a Training Montage with Stank and Banned From Everywhere….and…..Davin Moreland’s Retirement Speech
JC: And the winner is……Attitude Adjuster directs a Training Montage with Stank and Banned From Everywhere!
<the crowd roars for the promo and Stank walks to the stage. He is about to speak when Attitude Adjuster walks out onto the stage, which also draws a nice ovation>
Stank: I thought you got run over by a hummer?
AA: Who was driving that? TUNE IN TO OOWFTV TO FIND OUT!
Stank: No. We are not doing that.
AA: It was gold!
Stank: It was AWFUL!
AA: I think I am the one who knows a thing or two about promoificating……
<the screen behind AA and Stank flickers to life and we see Justin and Bill leading the Dayton Mounted Police on a high speed chase. A helicopter flies overhead with a reporter giving updates……the suspects appear to be headed northbound riding two donkeys. One has a gigantic Mohawk while the other seems to have an endless supply of mason jars. The suspects are not actually wanted for anything, but police are trying to pull them over to tell them just exactly where they are banned from in Ohio….. <studio news reporter> the suspects are banned from places in Ohio? <helicopter reporter> Yes, that is correct, the suspects are BANNED FROM EVERYWHERE>
<GM Selena is just shaking her head and shaking with anger>
Stank: You should probably go help them. You could…….promo on it or something…..
<AA puts his arm around Stank and frames a picture for him>
AA: Imagine it! The Lifetime Movie Network Special – The Banned From Everywhere Saga! Two men, trying to live the American Dream, Banned From Everywhere! They fight for acceptance, they change your mind and touch your hearts! Starring Bill Paxton as Awesome Bill From Dawsonville, Justin Long as Justin Sane and Mischa Barton as Ellie May From Elijay! With special appearances by Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O as Drunkey and Drunkette! Directed by Alan “AA” Capps! It’s GOLD!
Stank: You are out of your mind
<Stank shakes his head and walks off the stage>
AA: WHAT? You can have a guest appearance! You can play the hardnosed, but caring school principal! You can change their lives! I’ll have my people call your people!
<GM Selena shoos AA away, security escorts him off the stage, but he continues to ramble about his movie>
GMS: Ooooooohhhhhkay. Moving right along. Oohh This one is my favorite! Our next award is for Feud of the Year. There may be nothing better than a good feud. Two people who hate one another! Lots of blood, lots of great matches! I love it! <GM Selena pulls her Happy Deth Bat from beneath the podium and runs over and clocks Chuckles upside the head> Whew, I needed that. Here to present the award for Feud of the Year are two guys who just don’t like one another……Bobby Roode and “Cowboy” James Storm!
<Roode and Storm make their way to the podium, eyeing one another warily. The audience cheers Storm when he raises his arms, and boos Roode when he does the same>
BR: Like I need your approval. I am the IT factor in professional wrestling, I don’t need your cheers, you people make me sick
JS: More like the shit factor, if you know what I mean! <big pop> Bobby Roode, you can put these fans down all you want, but I know you, when we were teaming in Beer Money, you loved it when they chanted your name. But then you had to be a selfish bastard and ruin all that bustin that beer bottle upside my head, don’t think I forgot about that neither
BR: Storm, it doesn’t matter what you remember. The fact is, I am, and always was, better than you. I got tired of carrying you and I did what I had to do to claim my rightful spot as the best wrestler TNA has ever seen
<before the two of them can come to blows, Voice Over Guy intervenes once again and announces the nominees>
VOG: The nominees for Feud of the Year are….The New Guard vs. The Old Guard…..Chris Evans vs. Danny Taylor….and….Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman
<Roode grabs the envelope from Storm>
BR: I’ll do this, since I am not sure your hillbilly ass can even read. The winner of Feud of the Year is…….Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman!
<the crowd applauds, but looks a little nervous as both Fire and Moose head to the podium. Before they even get to the stage, the entire Dayton Wrestling Federation comes out and forms a wall between the two of them. Fire looks annoyed, Moose just smirks>
MHJ: Didn’t have to be this way Lisa. Decisions have consequences. Your decisions are going to lead to the end of your marriage tomorrow night…….Trust me
FW: I don’t think so Jackie. I already beat you two matches in a row, you are done. I am going to be the one to finally end Moosehead Jack and send him packing from the OOWF, and that totally sparkles with me
<the two of them then lunge at one another, but since there is literally thousands of pounds of humanity between them, then don’t get at one another and are carried off the stage still yelling at one another and trying to break free>
GMS: Gee, imagine that, a Quinn in feud of the year. Who saw that coming? Only happened three of the last four years. No, they aren’t insane, not at all. Ok, the next award is Angle of the Year. <anglefan stands up and starts toward the podium> What are you doing? Not you! Go sit down Wikipac! <anglefan looks dejected and heads back to his seat>. As we all know, an angle is an over-arching story. It can last a few weeks, a few months, or in rare cases when they are really good many years! It is kind of what makes wrestling so cool. Here to present the Angle of the Year award……Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Champion……KEVIN STEEN!
<Steen comes out flanked by Jimmy Jacobs – somewhere Fire swoons - and Steve Corino. He walks up to the mic and looks backstage>
KS: Hi Jimmy! Thought you were going to have this title off of me by now? Yeah, looks like you suck at your job just as much as you suck at life. <Steen, Jacobs and Corino enjoy a good laugh at this>. So, I am here to announce the Angle of the Year. I guess they think my little spat with Jimmy and his boy Davey made for some good television…..oh what Jimmy? Part of that was because I was off of television for almost a YEAR? You know, they say the best angles in wrestling come when there is real emotion involved. You can’t fake that, and Jim Cornette, I am gonna be honest here, I hate you. I won this title to spite you, and I am going to keep this title just to piss you off. Now, Voice Over Guy, I think you have something to announce
VOG: The nominees for Angle of the Year are….Moose Reveals Him, Feuds with Fire….Texpress Chases Their 100th Win….and….The Rise and Fall of The New Guard
KS: And the winner is……Jimmy you can read this one
JJ: The Rise and Fall of the New Guard!
<The crowd applauds as Chris Evans, Matt Folz, Stan Fulton, Mai Muyo and The Kai all make their way to the podium. Before anyone can say anything Evans grabs the award and takes off. After some confusion, Evans has a mic>
CE: I was the New Guard. I am the only one that deserves an award. The Kai? Please. You and you brother couldn’t lace my boots. Stan and Mai? You showed your weakness by abandoning me, you want to talk about false prophets? There you two are. And Matt Folz? Are you kidding me? Matt, you are never going to escape my shadow. I was better than you in Brass Knuckle Kings, I was better than you in the New Guard. I will ALWAYS be better than you. And this <holding up the OOWF World Heavyweight title> proves that I am the best wrestler in the world today, and THIS <holding up the Angle of the Year award> belongs to me, since you all turned your back on me. You are all jealous of me, Chris Evans. You want either of these? Come pry them from my cold dead hands. That goes for all of you.
<Evans turns and leaves, leaving the rest of the former New Guard clearly annoyed on the stage. GM Selena comes back to the podium after they head back to their seats>
GMS: What a jerk! Don’t worry guys, we will get all of you awards. Now we get to what I consider the meat of the awards. The big important, career-defining awards, so let’s get right on with it. This award is for the Tag Team of the Year. There have been many great tag teams in OOWF history, and many have held this prestigious honor. Here to announce the winners, the WWE World Tag Team Champions…….Team Hell No, Daniel Bryan and Kane!
<Kane and Bryan come out to a nice ovation from the crowd. They stand at the podium and stare out at the crowd, then look at one another>
DB: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS
Kane: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS
DB: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Kane: NO! I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Voice Over Guy: If I can interrupt……the nominees for Tag Team of the Year are…..Texpress…..Phoenix Rising….and….The Flyin Hawaiians
Kane: NO……I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
DB: WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS! I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
VOG: For the love of ……..the winner of the 2012 Tag Team of the Year Award goes to……TEXPRESS!
<There is a standing ovation from the crowd while Chad and Zane make their way to the podium. Kane and Bryan are still debating who is the tag team champions. Zane and Chad push between them and they finally stop>
ZM: Gentlemen…….
CM: WE are the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
<Chad and Zane hold their titles high in the air and get another standing ovation from the crowd. They accept their award and head back to their table. Nice and easy, just like they like it. Kane and Daniel Bryan stand there and look at one another for a minute longer, then head backstage still arguing>
GMS: Next up, one of my favorite awards. Heel of the Year. Everyone loves a bad guy, or they should. This is the guy you want to see get his ass handed to him SO bad that you will come to the arena every night, just in hopes that they get their comeuppance. A Heel of the Year should be so vile, so easily hated that they make you want to punch them in the face even if they were petting a box full of puppies. So, without further ado, here to present the Heel of the Year award……Bully Ray!
<Bully Ray comes out and slowly walks to the podium. He eyes everyone, and seems to notice some of the boos he is getting, even though they seem to be all in fun. Bully Ray is not amused>
BR: Shut Up. Do you people know who I am? My name is Bully Ray and I am the baddest mothafucker to ever walk the streets of New York. <boos come louder now, Bully just looks around> Do you people think I WANTED to be here tonight? Are you friggin serious? I am here because Dixie Carter told me I had to go, to <mockingly> improve relations with the OOWF. Yeah? Well screw all of you. Looking out at the crowd right now……all you are are worthless bingo hall wrestlers <loud boos now>. I did my time with that back in ECW. I WAS ECW. I went out there and busted my ass in front of those drooling mouthbreathers for seventy five bucks a night, and what do I have to show for it? I got a pat on the back and a free t-shirt and was told to hit the bricks. So each and every one of you are beneath me, and if given a chance, I would take each and every one of you into MY ring, and beat the snot out of you without breaking a sweat. Now, announce the nominees so I can get the hell out of here
VOG: The nominees for Heel of the Year are…….Chris Evans……..Moosehead Jack…..and…..Ghosthead
BR: And the winner is…….big friggin whup, Chris Evans, get your punkass out here and take this award.
<Bully Ray drops the card and walks off the stage to a chorus of boos. Chris Evans comes down the aisle, flanked by a large squad of security and the boos that had been for Bully quickly turn to him. Evans gets to the podium and looks at the award>
CE: So you all hate me huh. Good. I don’t need your respect or approval for anything I do. Where were all of you when I was new and being dressed down by Firewoman every week? Where were you when I got roped into Davin and Alex’s little pissing contest? Where were all of you when Eric O’Mac wouldn’t give me the credit I deserved for being the best wrestler in the OOWF? Where were you when I fought Bryce Larson, a man I considered a friend, and drove a railroad spike into his head? Where were you when I built the single greatest collection of talent in OOWF and we dominated like no one before, I’ll tell you where you all were, trembling in fear. And now that I have this <holding up the OOWF World Heavyweight Title> you are all going to continue to say my name with fear on your lips, because I am Chris Evans. I am the best in the world, and I don’t need your approval or validation.
<Evans turns and walks off the stage again, leaving the Heel of the Year award sitting on the podium>
GMS: What a jerk! On to happier things now, next up is the counter to Heel of the Year, Face of the Year! And while I may not like faces as much, they are WAY more important! They move merchandise! Do you know how many foam BOOM fingers Danny has sold? Well I don’t know either, but I am sure it is a lot! Here to present the award for Face of the Year, WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Sheamus!
<Sheamus comes out to a mixed reaction from the crowd, he walks to the podium and waits for the reaction to die down>
S: I recognize a lot of yer faces out there. I know some a ya are still sore at me for kickin that other Seamus fellas arse a few years ago. Hey, no hard feelins on my part. You know, if there is one thing we can all agree on, it’s that the fans come out ta see us, and them cheerin us on, man, that’s what it’s all about!
<cut to Moosehead Jack, who looks like he is going to be violently ill>
S: I have watched the OOWF a coupla times and there are some a ya who get it. The fans pay our salaries, I go out there and bust my arse in that ring, so each and every one a them can say “hey, I saw that Sheamus fella wrestle, and by god, he was the best wrestler on the card!” Now, without further ado, let’s get the nominees for face o’ the year!
VOG: The nominees for Face of the Year are….Danny Taylor……Chad Madison…..and…..Alexander Darling
S: And ta winner is……..”Dynamite” Danny Taylor!
<Danny looks stunned, but Vic helps him to his feet as the crowd applauds. He hugs Ashley and Spencer and heads to the podium with Vic. Danny shakes hands with Sheamus and takes the award and just looks at it wide eyed. The crowd cheers, but Danny doesn't even seem to notice. Finally he looks up, and just mouths the words Thank You. This causes the crowd to erupt again. As he goes to walk away, the camera mic picks up Vic's words.>
DVD: You can't leave them hanging bro.
<Danny turns back to the podium, taps his heart and then points out to the crowd, and mouths the word “BOOM!” the crowd rises as one and gives him a standing ovation>
GMS: The final two awards. Our next award is one I am proud of, and one everyone in this room should be proud of too. Match of the Year is more than just an award. Being in the Match of the Year means you have risen to the top of your game and performed at a level that merits the recognition of your peers. There have been too many great wrestlers to count in the OOWF. From recent Hall of Fame inductees Hardbody Harris and Blackdragon to Underdawg, Concrete TG and Chris Cole, to the current greats in LD Williams, Chris Evans and Stank among others. And yet with all these greats, only a few will ever be honored with Match of the Year. There may not be one man who embodies the notion of Match of the Year better than our next presenter. It was often said that, in his prime, he could carry a broomstick to a five star match. Ladies and Gentlemen, the one, the only…..the Nature Boy Ric Flair!
<2001 a Space Odyssey plays and the Nature Boy walks to the podium. The entire audience rises and gives him a standing ovation that goes on and on. Finally the applause dies down and a clearly moved Ric begins to speak>
RF: You know, I have presented an award here many, many times, and the welcome I get from you people never fails to move me to tears. For that, for the respect shown, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. <another ovation>. There are many things I have done in my career that I am not proud of. I tried to destroy Ricky Morton’s face on a concrete floor. I broke Barry Windham’s arm in a car door. I came back for one match too many. But one thing I will forever be proud of is what I could do in that ring. My matches with Sting, with Dusty Rhodes, with Magnum TA, with Barry Windham and especially Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat will go down in the annals of wrestling history as some of the greatest matches ever witnessed by the fans, and the almighty God himself. Tonight, someone is going to be able to add “Match of the Year” to their resume, that is forever, that right there is the diamonds of professional wrestling, that ensures you are remembered for the ages. Now…..Voice Over Guy, I know you got it in you, give us the nominees for Match of the Year……..WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
VOG: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RF: WHOOOOOOOOOOO
<everyone shares a laugh at this>
VOG: The nominees for Match of the Year are….The New Guard vs. The Old Guard – War Games….Double Elimination 4 Way Tag Match….Chris Evans vs. LD Williams – Barbed Wire Cage Match…..and….Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman – Bloodpond Street Fight
RF: And the winner is…….the most violent match I think I have ever seen……Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman – Blood Pond Street Fight!
<the phalanx of security comes back out and gets between Moose and Fire as they accept their awards glaring at one another. This time Fire grabs the mic first>
FW: The last award you will ever get in the OOWF Jackie, Sunday you are GONE! YOU HEAR ME? GONE!
<Moose snatches the mic>
MHJ: Write it down, next year I am going to be right here on stage, accepting ANOTHER award for Match of the Year for destroying that sham of a marriage at Hell on Earth. SAY IT LISA! SAY IT! SAY YOU QUIT!
<the two lunge at one another in a fit of rage and have to be forcibly restrained and taken to the back. Ric remains at the podium, something else clearly on his mind>
RF: Now……some of you may be wondering why I am still here. And some of you may have noticed there was something missing in the list of nominees for Match of the Year. There is a technical tie in Match of the Year, and the OOWF has decided to honor everyone involved, everyone who has ever stepped into that OOWF ring, every single one of you is responsible for the OOWF 500 and every single one of you will get the recognition you deserve. 500 shows is an amazing accomplishment, and every single one of you deserve acknowledgment
<Flair steps from behind the podium and bows to the crowd and salutes them all. The audience rises again and applauds Flair. After several minutes, Flair leaves the stage and GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: We are almost done. Our final award is……
<before GM Selena can finish, she is interrupted by the video screen crackling to life behind her. She turns around and sees Awesome Bill From Dawsonville and Justin Sane trying to hide out from the police. It appears they are sitting in a book club with a bunch of ladies. Justin and Bill are wearing old fashioned mustaches, Bill has on a derby while Justin is wearing a monocle?
Lady1: I thought the subtext of “The Divine Love of Lady Swansworth” was a critique of the dominant nature of men over females in seventeenth century Belgium. It was an indictment of man’s repression of women’s sexuality! <looking at Bill> What did you think Mr…….what was your name again?
ABFD: Uh…….Awesome…..um……Outstandin Mark from Dawson……uhhhh Dawson Park. Yeah. The book? Well, uh, I would like to read from page 35, the uh seventh paragraph down….
Lady 2: Mr. Outstanding Mark From Dawson Park……I believe you are holding the book upside down
JS: In his defense, he reads better that way
Lady 1: And you are?
JS: Me? I am…..I am Doug. Yeah. Doug Hawk.
Lady 3: Well, Mr. Hawk…..what did YOU think of the book?
JS: Oh, well I thought it was a classic example of the narrative foreshadowing the events of ones life. If you recall, Father Bainsby predicted the events of the night in October when Squire Rochester and Lady Barnaby disappeared into the moors never to be seen again. Also, Madame Foucheaut hinted at the infidelity of her husband Baron Hussendorf with her sister Agnes Hostentot after her husband died in the war. She confessed this on her deathbed. It wasn’t so much an indictment of repressed women’s sexuality as it was a scathing critique of the hypocrisy of the upper classes. They condemned Tom Oglethorpe and Mary VanEenten to a life as outcasts because they had sex out of wedlock, but their entire existence was based on a web of infidelity and lies.
<Bill just stares at Justin with his mouth open>
Lady 1: What REMARKABLE insight Mr. Hawk!
Bill: <whispering to Justin> How did you know that mess?
JS: I didn’t, Drunkey told me
Bill: Drunkey done readified this mess?
<Before he can answer the police walk in, Justin and Bill do their best to look inconspicuous>
Officer 1: Ladies, you wouldn’t happen to know who owns those two donkey’s tied up outside would you?
Lady 4 (Ellie May): There are donkey’s outside? Well Officer, I am sure none of us have ANY idea why the DONKEYS ARE TIED RIGHT OUT FRONT, do we?
JS: Uh….Gentlemen, we are with the Dayton Animal Control Board…..we uh…..we were here to investigate the strange appearance of those donkeys, we were undercover and you blew our cover. Instead of making a fuss over it, we will just impound the donkeys and leave
<Justin and Bill walk out of the room, the INC follows them outside where they quickly hop on Drunkey and Drunkette>
ABFD: Where we goin now?
JS: We gotta get to the arena! We can hide out there!
ABFD: Ain’t we banned from there?
JS: We are <crowd sings along> BANNED FROM EVERYWHERE
ABFD: HOT DAMN!
<the screen fades and GM Selena just stares at it and shakes her head, clearly annoyed>
GMS: I hate those two SO much! Ok, back to it <deep breath>. Our final award is Wrestler of the Year. I don’t think I need to explain the honor that comes with this award. Being voted Wrestler of the Year means you are the best, the absolute best in this sport right now. You are the apex, the top dog, the man. Who better to present this award than the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, CM Punk
CULT
OF
PERSONALITY
<CM Punk walks out to the podium and soaks in the cheers. They finally die down and Punk speaks>
CMP: Anyone can walk out to the middle of the ring, get on the mic, and say they are the best in the world. The worst wrestler in the world can do that, he has the audience, and there may even be some in that audience that believe it. But there is a difference between SAYING you are the best in the world, and PROVING you are the best in the world. For almost a year now, I have gone to that ring each and every night and PROVED that I am the best wrestler in the world. I am not just saying it to…..to be a heel…..or because I want that to catch on as a catchphrase. I am saying it because, in my heart, I believe every word of it, I am the very best wrestler in the world………that said……the winner of Wrestler of the Year in the OOWF can also make that claim. <cheers> I know, I know. You didn’t think I would go there. I have seen you. I know what you do here, and…….well this might get me in some trouble with Vince and Paul, but I will put what you do here against any fed in the world……including the WWE. <huge ovation for this>. Now, without further ado, let’s get the nominees for Wrestler of the Year
VOG: The nominees for Wrestler of the Year are….LD Williams….Chris Evans….and….Stan Fulton
CMP: And the winner is……..LD Williams!
<LD gets to his feet as does the rest of the crowd. LD makes his way to the podium and shakes hands with Punk and they share a manly hug of manly manliness. LD Williams takes the award and just looks at it for a minute>
LD: September 25, 2004, LD Williams vs. Underdawg. It was my first match in the OOWF. I lost that match, but that didn’t deter me in the least. Fast forward to the OOWF 500, LD Williams vs. Underdawg. This time, I won that match. Eight long years. No one thought I would make it that long. No one thought I could claw my way to the top of the heap. I didn’t do it alone. No one does it on their own. I had the benefit of working with some outstanding wrestlers in those eight years, they pushed me, they made me better, they helped make me what I am today. I feel like this award is just as much theirs as it is mine. My only hope is that one day, I can help……
V: ……you can help what?
<Chris Evans walks onto the stage, and he gets a huge chorus of boos>
CE: You can help bury guys that are better than you? You can put others down so you can keep your spot? Look old man, the fact that you won this award this year, over ME, proves that this whole award ceremony is a complete joke. I am the world champion! I am the main event! I am…..
LDW: YOU are really starting to piss me off. Show some class Evans. Turn around and walk away. There is a time and place for temper tantrums, and this ain’t it. I will deal with you at Hell on Earth, until then, shut your mouth and go away.
<Evans seems to contemplate this for a minute, and nods his head and starts to walk away, then takes his title and charges at LD! LD ducks the title shot and peppers Evans with punches to the head! The title falls to the floor and LD goes to whip Evans into……something…..but pulls him back into a BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX THAT SENDS EVANS OFF THE STAGE AND THROUGH A TABLE IN THE FIRST ROW! LD Williams casually walks over to the OOWF World Heavyweight Title and picks it up and looks at it, then raises it high in the air. As if on cue, CM Punk, Austin Aries, Kevin Steen and Sheamus also walk out and stand behind LD Williams, their titles on their shoulders, and we fade to black>
That time of year again! Seriously, eight years? Who would have thought we could make it that long? To me, the OOWF is every bit as good now as it has ever been. The level of creativity is amazing. I want to thank everyone who has helped, thanks to Dev for taking over booking after I got burned out on it. Thanks to Wyatt for stepping up and writing matches, and special thanks to Shark for stepping up and writing entire Mayhems when no one else could. And thank you to everyone for making this such a fun distractions. Sure, we argue about it, but in the end, as ridiculous as it might sound, I think we are all part of something we can be proud of. Here’s to another great year in 2012/2013!
-John
Past Winners[/u]
Wrestler of the Year
2012 – LD Williams
2011 - Stank
2010 – Alexander Darling
2009 - Poe
2008 - Stank
2007 – Stank
2006 – Thim Reynolds
2005 – Donovan Viper
Tag Team of the Year
2012 – Texpress
2011 – Drink & Destroy (Danny Taylor & Outback Jack)
2010 - Texpress
2009 - kz
2008 – Phantos & Lucios
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – 3Piece Set
Face of the Year
2012 – Danny Taylor
2011 – Alexander Darling
2010 – (tie) Ravenna Blue & Alexander Darling
2009 - Ecosystem
2008 – (tie) Concrete TG and Phantos & Lucios
2007 – Firechild
2006 – Capellan
2005 – Hardbody Harris
Heel of the Year
2012 – Chris Evans
2011 - Ecosystem
2010 – Moosehead Jack
2009 - Firewoman
2008 – Eric O’Mac
2007 – Stank
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – Donovan Viper
Breakthrough Star of the Year
2012 – Awesome Bill From Dawsonville
2011 – El Lobo Sangriento
2010 – Ravenna Blue
2009 – Chris Evans
2008 - Firewoman
2007 – Voltage
2006 – The Halfrican Americans
2005 – (tie) Firechild & Capellan
Match of the Year
2012 – (tie) Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman – Blood Pond Street Fight & The OOWF 500th
2011 – Firewoman vs. Tytan – November Pain 3
2010 – (tie) Firewoman vs. Alexander Darling – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Iron Person Match - OOWF Blood Bath in Paradise 3 & Chris Evans vs. Bryce Larson – Steel Cage Match –OOWF Judgment Eve 5
2009 – kz vs. The Team From Down Under – MidWeek Mayhem 5/20
2008 – OOWF Jobber Gauntlet
2007 - The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy – Unsanctioned Match
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Devil’s Brigade vs. wCw – Bamboo Scaffold Match
2005 – Canadian Dragon vs. UnderDawg – Ultimate Hell
Feud of the Year
2012 – Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman
2011 – Texpress vs. The Flyin Hawaiians
2010 - Alexander Darling vs. The Quinn’s
2009 – Firewoman vs. Tytan
2008 – Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Angle of the Year
2012 – The Rise and Fall of the New Guard
2011 – CEO Ecosystem
2010 – Firewoman’s Wedding
2009 – The Rise and Fall of Run DEA
2008 – Team Rick Goes to Jail
2007 – (tie) DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship & Drink & Destroy vs. The Heroes Guild
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Promo of the Year
2012 – Attitude Adjuster Directs Banned From Everywhere & Stank in a Training Montage - Moose
2011 – Booker Meeting - BC
2010 – Where I’m From - Ecosystem
2009 – The OOWF Goes Hollywood - Stank
2008 – A History of The Chickenshit Heels
2007 – Drink & Destroy Genealogy Promo
2006 – OOWF Airplane Ride From Hell
2005 – Donovan Viper’s Promo Before Dance of Death
Finisher of the Year
2012 – Double Elimination – Power & Glory
2011 – (tie)Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland, Dark Darling Rising – Alexander Darling, Stank-U - Stank
2010 – Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2009 – Crucifix Bomb - Poe
2008 – Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2007 – (tie)A Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland & Intentional Disqualification – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – Call of the Wild – The Team From Down Under
2005 – The Chomp – GatorBait
Catchphrase of the Year
2013 – I Can’t Believe I Work in This Shithole – Stan Fulton
2011 – Boom! – Danny Taylor
2010 – I’m Junichiro Muyo, and I WILL Save You - Ecosystem
2009 – Work Smarter, Not Harder - Ecosystem
2008 - HA! – Eric O’Mac
2007 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2006 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2005 - Trust Me – Moosehead Jack
Gimmick of the Year
2012 – Banned From Everywhere
2011 – No Gimmick Needed – Stan Fulton
2010 – Eco the Savior
2009 – Tytan: DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion
2008 – Rabbxt Becomes Bunny
2007 – “Cowboy” Johnny Adrenaline
2006 – The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000
2005 – Donovan Viper
NPC (Non-Player Character) of the Year
2012 – Voice Over Guy
2011 – Justin Sane
2010 - Selena
2009 - Selena
2008 – (tie) Carl From Fresno & Alexis Darling
2007 – No Award Given
2006 – Missy
2005 – Ric Flair
<We open in the Dayton Civic Center Annex for the 2012 OOWF Awards Ceremony. The camera pans around and we see all the OOWF stars sitting in attendance, once again dressed to the nines. The music stops playing and Voice Over Guy speaks>
VOG: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the 2011/2012 OOWF Awards! We are coming to you live from the Dayton Convention Center Annex! Tonight is the night we have all been waiting for, the crowning of this year’s award winners. And now, to kick things off this evening, please welcome the conscious of the OOWF, the toughest Priest since Father Mulcahey, the Champion of the Confessional, the Badass of Baptisms, Savior of Souls…….Father Lou!
<Father Lou gets a nice ovation from the crowd>
Please rise while Father Lou leads us in the OOWF prayer:
Our Hardcore who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy blades
Thy bed of nails, thy wounds be done with chairs or with barbed and razored wire.....
Give us this day our daily bled
and forgive us our shattered glasses
as we forgive those who use broken glass against us
And lead us not into garbage, but deliver us from mediocrity.....
VOG: Now, ladies and gentlemen please welcome out emcee for the night, more than just a pretty face, she has a mean streak in there too, GM Selena!
GMS: Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here tonight for the Eighth Annual OOWF Awards show!
<the crowd cheers>
GMS: Eight years……After the year we have had, I didn’t think some of you would make it to this year’s awards<Selena laughs> Seriously though, as you know, this is a celebration of the best of the OOWF in the last year, as voted on by you, the stars of the OOWF. Last night we inducted two more members into the OOWF Hall of Fame. That was their night, tonight, is your night to shine.
<applause>
GMS: Now, I know you will ALL be on your best behavior tonight <rolls her eyes> cause after LAST year……seriously, they are going to kick us out of here. So unless you want to your awards ceremony in some icky place like Duluth, you better all BEHAVE! Ok, our first award tonight is to recognize the individual who has had the greatest impact in their rookie year. Here to introduce the winner of Breakthrough Star of the Year is……the greatest man who ever lives…….AUSTIN ARIES!
<the TNA world heavyweight champion Austin Aries walks out and gets a standing ovation from the crowd>
AA: You know, when the head honchos in the OOWF called me and asked me to present this award, they told me it was because, in their eyes, I was the breakout star in professional wrestling so far this year. They said I went from relative unknown, to the TNA X Division champion, to the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Well, what that tells me is that they have not been paying attention. Since I made my debut on November 11, 2000, I have been THE greatest man in professional wrestling. This is not new, this is just the rest of you catching on to the truth. Now…….since the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived is also a professional so, Voice Over Guy, do your thing, I will wait…..
VOG: The nominees for Breakthrough Star of the Year are……Awesome Bill From Dawsonville, Power & Glory and Ghosthead
AA: And the winner is……….Awesome Bill From Dawsonville!
<The crowd applauds as Bill walks to the podium and downs the rest of a mason jar of PCP. GM Selena just shakes her head. Bill and Austin shake hands, and you couldn’t possibly have two more opposite people sharing the same stage>
ABFD: Well hell far! This chere award will look outdamnstandener than hell on my rascal-jet ski-rascal! Theys so many people I can thank for this, theys Cousin Will From Dawsonville, theys Old Granny Lil From Dawsonville, theys Justin and Ellie May……but the one imma have to thank the most is ol General Motors Selena. That ol girl has been behind me since day one <Selena in the background – “I hate you”> When I done run afoul with Johnny Law on numeratous occasions, General Motors Selena was right there with the bail money and a kind word <Selena – I wanted to fire you>. When there was that thar little incident in Compton what resulted in the city more or less burning to the ground, ol General Motors told me it warn’t nothin’ and it coulda happened to anyone <Selena – we are being sued, I want to turn you over to authorities> So, I guess what I am a sayin is ol General Motors Selena, you’s allright in my book! LOOKIT ME JUSTIN! I’M OUTDAMNSTANDENER THAN HELL! ……..hey, wait, where’s Justin?
<The crowd all looks around, but the table reserved for Banned From Everywhere is empty. Some ushers open the lobby doors and we see Justin sitting on Drunkette with a megaphone>
JS: Bill! You gotta get outta there! We can’t be in there!
ABFD: Aw HELL! We banned from here too?
JS: We are <crowd sings along> BANNED FROM EVERWHERE!
ABFD: HOT DAMN! <security approaches Bill from both sides> Uh oh! Gotta go! <Bill hops off the sage, and heads out the door with Justin, Ellie May, Drunkey and Drunkette>
<GM Selena steps back to the podium shaking her head>
GMS: Seriously, why did we hire him? I have seen hammers smarter than that guy
<Chuckles laughs loudly just off stage, Selena glares at him until he stops>
GMS: Ok, moving along! Our next award is one I am familiar with, it’s for NPC, that’s Non-Player Character for those who don’t know, of the year. An NPC is a valuable asset to the OOWF as they can further the storyli……..
Voice: EXCUSE ME! <boos> EXCUSE ME!
<Vickie Gurrero walks out on stage, and she gets a rousing boo from the crowd>
VG: EXCUSE ME! I am the manager of the NEXT WWE World Heavyweight Champion! I am the SHINING BEACON of BEAUTY among women in wrestling today…..<more boos> EXCUSE ME!
VOG: The nominees for……
VG: EXCUSE ME! I was NOT done talking Voice Over Guy!
<Awkward silence>
VG: Now you may announce the nominees
VOG: The nominees for NPC of the Year are……”Dashing” Victor Dinero, with name now correctly spelled, the lovely and talented GM Selena, and me, Voice Over Guy
VG: And the winner is……….VOICE OVER GUY? THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON!
<Vickie has a little tantrum and slips on some PCPL Bill spilled, or sweated out, who knows. Security drags her off stage so Voice Over Guy can talk>
VOG: Well this is certainly a surprise. When I got my first big break, I was the guy narrating The Wonder Years……let me tell you about that Winnie Cooper, amirite guys? <silence> Well, anyway, I got my big break there, but then my career tailed off and I was forced to do the voice over work for that awful Dukes of Hazard movie. Thankfully my buddy El Lobo Sangriento gave me a call and told me he had an idea. The rest is, as they say, history. Get well Lobo!
<The audience applauds Voice Over Guy and GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: I am still not sure exactly how that works, but congratulations Voice Over Dude! Ok our next award is for Gimmick of the Year. A Gimmick is the thing that gives a wrester a hook. For some, it is just being a great wrestler, for others <glaring out the door where Justin and Bill are riding Drunkey and Drunkette protesting being banned from the awards> it is BEING A DRUNKEN LOUT! Ahem. Anyway, here to present the award for Gimmick of the Year is former OOWF World Tag Team Champion, Irwin R. Shyster!
<IRS walks out onto the stage complete with suitcase and power suit. He glares out over the crowd for a minute>
IRS: I know you are all tax cheats. <boos> I know you all have failed to pay your taxes, your debt to society, you are all a bunch of bingo hall free loaders. Before we leave here tonight, I am going to PERSONALLY do an audit on each and every one of you and make sure you get what you deserve! But first, I am going to present the award for Gimmick of the Year……Voice Over Guy……who by the way, since you are now an award winning entity, I am going to make CERTAIN you pay in your new tax bracket, so go ahead and announce the nominees
VOG: Well, normally I have a guy who takes care of that kind of thing…..anyway, the nominees for Gimmick of the Year are……The Kai….Mai Finds God…...Awesome Bill From Dawsonville….and Banned From Everywhere
IRS: And the winner is……..those no good tax cheats, BANNED FROM EVERYWHERE!
<The crowd applauds Banned From Everywhere and looks up at the video screen on the stage where SFJ01 is with Justin, Bill, Ellie May, Drunkey and Drunkette>
SFJ01: I am here with Gimmick of the Year winners Banned From Everywhere and……well where exactly are we?
ABFD: We are at the Five Rivers Parks in Dayton
SFJ01: Why?
ABFD: Did you know you could be banned from a STREET?
SFJ01: You are banned from there too?
JS: We are <crowd sings along again> BANNED FROM EVERYWHERE
SFJ01: Wouldn’t that mean you are banned from this park too?
JS: We are?
ABFD: We are?
EMFE: We haven’t even been to this park before, how could we possibly be banned…….
<Just then a police officer walks up to them with papers>
ABFD: It’s JOHNNY LAW!
JS: RUN!
Drunkey & Drunkette: EEEEEEE-YA!
<Justin and Bill take off on Drunkey and Drunkette, a few police officers on horseback join in and we have a high speed chase, soon a helicopter is heard, surely there will be updates>
EMFE: <shaking her head> Let me guess……
Officer: Folks you are going to have to move along, we just got word, you are banned from the Dayton Five Rivers Metro Park
EMFE: Naturally
<we cut back to GM Selena who has her head in her hands at the podium>
GMS: Just ONCE, ONCE! I would like to have a special event that didn’t end with those two in a high speed chase. <GM Selena composes herself and clears her throat> Ok, well, those two will be dealt with later. Right now, I would like to move on to our next award…….Catchphrase of the Year! I think we all know what a catchphrase is, it is something catchy someone says, something the fans should enjoy…..
Crowd: YES! YES! YES! YES!
GMS: EXACTLY! Something like that! Here to present the award for catchphrase of the year……oh jeez, these two might be as bad as those two jackasses…..the ones riding the donkeys. Ladies and Gentlemen, THE BRISCOES!
Crowd: MAN UP! MAN UP! MAN UP!
<The Briscoes come out onto the stage and point to the crowd which gets them a huge ovation>
Jay: You know, back in Sandy Fork, Papa Briscoe pulled us aside and told us, Dem Boys gotta have them a catchphrase. You boys gotta have a hook. You boys gotta have somethin the crowd can yell durin a match!
Mark: Papa Briscoe told us to MAN UP and think of somethin. I looked at Jay and said, “Hey, I think he just thought of something!” MAN UP!
Crowd: MAN UP! MAN UP! MAN UP!
Jay: So tonight, we are gonna present the award for Catchphrase of the Year, Voice Over Guy…..
VOG: The nominees for Catchphrase of the Year are……Trust Me – Moosehead Jack….If You Smell What the Kai is Surfin – The Kai….Feel My Pain – Ricky Soaring Eagle….They are the Darlings/Phoenix Rising, and You’re Just Not – Alexander Darling….and….I Can’t Believe I Work in This Shithole – Stan Fulton
Mark: And the winner is………
Both: I CAN’T BELIEVE I WORK IN THIS SHITHOLE! Stan Fulton!
<Reverend Stan Fulton gets to his feet and gets a big hug from Mai. He makes his way to the podium and accepts the award, shaking hands with Mark and Jay>
RSF: I have to admit, I am a little embarrassed by this award. That is the kind of language the old Stan Fulton would use. I am not proud of that. At the time, that is how I felt about the OOWF, and……well, I thought the New Guard could help clean this place up and make it less of a shi…..well, less of a bad place to work. I was wrong about that. Turns out, we were as much a part of the problem as anything else. I want to thank Mai for helping me get on the right path. Together we are going to clean up the OOWF, but not for greedy purposes, but because it is the right thing to do. Thank you
<Stan gets a standing ovation as he heads back to his seat and gets another hug from Mai. GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: That’s it? No violence? No swearing? No one going through a table? This place is going soft! Our next award is for Finisher of the Year. A finisher should me a move SO devastating that no one can get up from it! It leads to broken bones and carnage and mayhem and blood and…..
VOG: Ahem
GMS: Don’t ever ahem me Voice Over Guy. Anyway, here to present the award for Finisher of the Year……oh no……
UBUNTU!
<John Cena comes out onto the stage and gets a HUGE chorus of boos from the crowd. John is in full-on pander mode wearing a Dayton Flyers hat, an OOWF t-shirt and is carrying a Fear the Fraud coffee mug>
JC: <waiting for the boos to die down, which takes awhile> I see some of you don’t like me. You know, I was here last year to present this award, and things didn’t go so well. ROLL THE FOOTAGE!
<Davin, Darling and Stank get to their feet and head to the podium. The three men, who along with Eric O’Mac are opponents in the World Title Fatal Four Way Elimination Match tomorrow night, look at one another, then all look at Cena. Cena, who clearly has seen OOWF award shows before, begs off, but it does no good. Stank catches him with a big right hand that sends him staggering right into a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! Darling shoves Davin, pulls Cena up and hits the DARLING DRIVER! Stank shoves Darling away and pulls a barely conscious Cena up and hits a STANK-U! Cena is DEAD! The three of them turn back to a roaring crowd and lift their awards as paramedics grab Cena by the arms and drag him off the stage. The trio take their seats and GM Selena comes back out>
<The crowd cheers this loudly>
JC: Ok, ok, I just want you to know that after THAT little incident, I suffered a bruised sternum and a concussion……it was nearly a career threatening injury for me…..
Crowd: NO ONE CARES CENA!
JC: <going into yelly mode> I DO THIS FOR YOU! FOR THE FANS! I GIVE IT ALL EACH AND EVERY NIGHT! I LEAVE EVERY BIT IN THE RING AND I……
<Cena’s mic cuts off and Voice Over Guy announces the nominees>
VOG: The nominees for Finisher of the Year are…Phantasmagoria – Ghosthead…..Double Elimination – Power & Glory….and…..Dynamite Drop – Danny Taylor
JC: And the winner is……really? Double Elimination, Power & Glory!
<Clio and Edra squeal and get to their feet and hug Wyatt, Mary Lou and Kate and make their way to the podium.>
Clio: This is a real honor for us.
Edra: When we came to the OOWF, we knew we had what it takes to compete, but we also knew we needed a finisher, something that we could pull off at any time and would be devastating
Clio: We watched a whole lot of tape of the greatest tag teams in wrestling history, we watched the Road Warriors, the Midnight Express, the British Bulldogs, the Hart Foundation, the Eliminators, the list goes on and on
Edra: We liked the Eliminators move, but we decided to add our own touch to it, make it our own, and I have to say we are very proud of it!
<Cena starts clapping, then approaches the girls and speaks, the mic picks it up>
JC: You know, I can put in a good word with Vince, a few months in FCW and you two could compete with the Divas on Monday Night Raw….
<Clio and Edra both stare at him in disbelief, Edra smiles at him and feigns flattery, then they hit DOUBLE ELIMINATION ON CENA! CENA IS CUT IN HALF! The girls look down at him in disgust, then take their awards and head back to their seats. Medics come to put Cena on a stretcher, GM Selena walks back to the podium and watches them take Cena off the stage>
GMS: Vince is going to be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiised, but, he really deserved that one. Jerk. Ok! Moving on! Our next award is for Promo of the Year. We all know what a promo is, do I really have to do this? Ok fine! A promo is something Matt Folz never does! HA! See what I did there? Ok seriously, a good promo is as big a part of wrestling as anything. It can set the stage for a match and make people who normally might not watch tune in to see it. In other words, a good promo dude is as important as a good wrestling dude. Here to present Promo of the Year is one of the best promo dudes ever……The Louisville Lip, Jim Cornette!
<Cornette walks out on stage and gets a standing ovation from the crowd. He has his tennis racket with him and he soaks it in for a minute, then speaks>
JC: Thank you……General Manager dude, or whatever. You know, when I was a boy, it was my dream to be a professional wrestler. All through school I had that dream, I even enrolled in a wrestling school to learn the craft. The first day I was there, the trainer pulled me aside and said “son, it isn’t going to happen. You are a buck twenty five soaking wet, and lifting all the weights in the world ain’t gonna help you.” Well I was devastated. I told him I wanted to do something, anything, in the wrestling business, so what could I do? He said “learn to talk. There will always be a place for someone who knows how to talk.” So I worked on that. I spent hours practicing promos. I watched tape of the greats, I worked my butt off and it all paid off. So take it from a scrawny guy who couldn’t wrestle his way out of a paper bag, the gift of lip can take you a long way in this business. Now, Voice Over Guy, if you would…..
VOG: The nominees for Promo of the Year are….Ecosystem recaps his history with Firewoman….The New Guard Destroys Outback Jack….Attitude Adjuster directs a Training Montage with Stank and Banned From Everywhere….and…..Davin Moreland’s Retirement Speech
JC: And the winner is……Attitude Adjuster directs a Training Montage with Stank and Banned From Everywhere!
<the crowd roars for the promo and Stank walks to the stage. He is about to speak when Attitude Adjuster walks out onto the stage, which also draws a nice ovation>
Stank: I thought you got run over by a hummer?
AA: Who was driving that? TUNE IN TO OOWFTV TO FIND OUT!
Stank: No. We are not doing that.
AA: It was gold!
Stank: It was AWFUL!
AA: I think I am the one who knows a thing or two about promoificating……
<the screen behind AA and Stank flickers to life and we see Justin and Bill leading the Dayton Mounted Police on a high speed chase. A helicopter flies overhead with a reporter giving updates……the suspects appear to be headed northbound riding two donkeys. One has a gigantic Mohawk while the other seems to have an endless supply of mason jars. The suspects are not actually wanted for anything, but police are trying to pull them over to tell them just exactly where they are banned from in Ohio….. <studio news reporter> the suspects are banned from places in Ohio? <helicopter reporter> Yes, that is correct, the suspects are BANNED FROM EVERYWHERE>
<GM Selena is just shaking her head and shaking with anger>
Stank: You should probably go help them. You could…….promo on it or something…..
<AA puts his arm around Stank and frames a picture for him>
AA: Imagine it! The Lifetime Movie Network Special – The Banned From Everywhere Saga! Two men, trying to live the American Dream, Banned From Everywhere! They fight for acceptance, they change your mind and touch your hearts! Starring Bill Paxton as Awesome Bill From Dawsonville, Justin Long as Justin Sane and Mischa Barton as Ellie May From Elijay! With special appearances by Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O as Drunkey and Drunkette! Directed by Alan “AA” Capps! It’s GOLD!
Stank: You are out of your mind
<Stank shakes his head and walks off the stage>
AA: WHAT? You can have a guest appearance! You can play the hardnosed, but caring school principal! You can change their lives! I’ll have my people call your people!
<GM Selena shoos AA away, security escorts him off the stage, but he continues to ramble about his movie>
GMS: Ooooooohhhhhkay. Moving right along. Oohh This one is my favorite! Our next award is for Feud of the Year. There may be nothing better than a good feud. Two people who hate one another! Lots of blood, lots of great matches! I love it! <GM Selena pulls her Happy Deth Bat from beneath the podium and runs over and clocks Chuckles upside the head> Whew, I needed that. Here to present the award for Feud of the Year are two guys who just don’t like one another……Bobby Roode and “Cowboy” James Storm!
<Roode and Storm make their way to the podium, eyeing one another warily. The audience cheers Storm when he raises his arms, and boos Roode when he does the same>
BR: Like I need your approval. I am the IT factor in professional wrestling, I don’t need your cheers, you people make me sick
JS: More like the shit factor, if you know what I mean! <big pop> Bobby Roode, you can put these fans down all you want, but I know you, when we were teaming in Beer Money, you loved it when they chanted your name. But then you had to be a selfish bastard and ruin all that bustin that beer bottle upside my head, don’t think I forgot about that neither
BR: Storm, it doesn’t matter what you remember. The fact is, I am, and always was, better than you. I got tired of carrying you and I did what I had to do to claim my rightful spot as the best wrestler TNA has ever seen
<before the two of them can come to blows, Voice Over Guy intervenes once again and announces the nominees>
VOG: The nominees for Feud of the Year are….The New Guard vs. The Old Guard…..Chris Evans vs. Danny Taylor….and….Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman
<Roode grabs the envelope from Storm>
BR: I’ll do this, since I am not sure your hillbilly ass can even read. The winner of Feud of the Year is…….Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman!
<the crowd applauds, but looks a little nervous as both Fire and Moose head to the podium. Before they even get to the stage, the entire Dayton Wrestling Federation comes out and forms a wall between the two of them. Fire looks annoyed, Moose just smirks>
MHJ: Didn’t have to be this way Lisa. Decisions have consequences. Your decisions are going to lead to the end of your marriage tomorrow night…….Trust me
FW: I don’t think so Jackie. I already beat you two matches in a row, you are done. I am going to be the one to finally end Moosehead Jack and send him packing from the OOWF, and that totally sparkles with me
<the two of them then lunge at one another, but since there is literally thousands of pounds of humanity between them, then don’t get at one another and are carried off the stage still yelling at one another and trying to break free>
GMS: Gee, imagine that, a Quinn in feud of the year. Who saw that coming? Only happened three of the last four years. No, they aren’t insane, not at all. Ok, the next award is Angle of the Year. <anglefan stands up and starts toward the podium> What are you doing? Not you! Go sit down Wikipac! <anglefan looks dejected and heads back to his seat>. As we all know, an angle is an over-arching story. It can last a few weeks, a few months, or in rare cases when they are really good many years! It is kind of what makes wrestling so cool. Here to present the Angle of the Year award……Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Champion……KEVIN STEEN!
<Steen comes out flanked by Jimmy Jacobs – somewhere Fire swoons - and Steve Corino. He walks up to the mic and looks backstage>
KS: Hi Jimmy! Thought you were going to have this title off of me by now? Yeah, looks like you suck at your job just as much as you suck at life. <Steen, Jacobs and Corino enjoy a good laugh at this>. So, I am here to announce the Angle of the Year. I guess they think my little spat with Jimmy and his boy Davey made for some good television…..oh what Jimmy? Part of that was because I was off of television for almost a YEAR? You know, they say the best angles in wrestling come when there is real emotion involved. You can’t fake that, and Jim Cornette, I am gonna be honest here, I hate you. I won this title to spite you, and I am going to keep this title just to piss you off. Now, Voice Over Guy, I think you have something to announce
VOG: The nominees for Angle of the Year are….Moose Reveals Him, Feuds with Fire….Texpress Chases Their 100th Win….and….The Rise and Fall of The New Guard
KS: And the winner is……Jimmy you can read this one
JJ: The Rise and Fall of the New Guard!
<The crowd applauds as Chris Evans, Matt Folz, Stan Fulton, Mai Muyo and The Kai all make their way to the podium. Before anyone can say anything Evans grabs the award and takes off. After some confusion, Evans has a mic>
CE: I was the New Guard. I am the only one that deserves an award. The Kai? Please. You and you brother couldn’t lace my boots. Stan and Mai? You showed your weakness by abandoning me, you want to talk about false prophets? There you two are. And Matt Folz? Are you kidding me? Matt, you are never going to escape my shadow. I was better than you in Brass Knuckle Kings, I was better than you in the New Guard. I will ALWAYS be better than you. And this <holding up the OOWF World Heavyweight title> proves that I am the best wrestler in the world today, and THIS <holding up the Angle of the Year award> belongs to me, since you all turned your back on me. You are all jealous of me, Chris Evans. You want either of these? Come pry them from my cold dead hands. That goes for all of you.
<Evans turns and leaves, leaving the rest of the former New Guard clearly annoyed on the stage. GM Selena comes back to the podium after they head back to their seats>
GMS: What a jerk! Don’t worry guys, we will get all of you awards. Now we get to what I consider the meat of the awards. The big important, career-defining awards, so let’s get right on with it. This award is for the Tag Team of the Year. There have been many great tag teams in OOWF history, and many have held this prestigious honor. Here to announce the winners, the WWE World Tag Team Champions…….Team Hell No, Daniel Bryan and Kane!
<Kane and Bryan come out to a nice ovation from the crowd. They stand at the podium and stare out at the crowd, then look at one another>
DB: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS
Kane: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS
DB: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Kane: NO! I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Voice Over Guy: If I can interrupt……the nominees for Tag Team of the Year are…..Texpress…..Phoenix Rising….and….The Flyin Hawaiians
Kane: NO……I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
DB: WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS! I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
VOG: For the love of ……..the winner of the 2012 Tag Team of the Year Award goes to……TEXPRESS!
<There is a standing ovation from the crowd while Chad and Zane make their way to the podium. Kane and Bryan are still debating who is the tag team champions. Zane and Chad push between them and they finally stop>
ZM: Gentlemen…….
CM: WE are the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
<Chad and Zane hold their titles high in the air and get another standing ovation from the crowd. They accept their award and head back to their table. Nice and easy, just like they like it. Kane and Daniel Bryan stand there and look at one another for a minute longer, then head backstage still arguing>
GMS: Next up, one of my favorite awards. Heel of the Year. Everyone loves a bad guy, or they should. This is the guy you want to see get his ass handed to him SO bad that you will come to the arena every night, just in hopes that they get their comeuppance. A Heel of the Year should be so vile, so easily hated that they make you want to punch them in the face even if they were petting a box full of puppies. So, without further ado, here to present the Heel of the Year award……Bully Ray!
<Bully Ray comes out and slowly walks to the podium. He eyes everyone, and seems to notice some of the boos he is getting, even though they seem to be all in fun. Bully Ray is not amused>
BR: Shut Up. Do you people know who I am? My name is Bully Ray and I am the baddest mothafucker to ever walk the streets of New York. <boos come louder now, Bully just looks around> Do you people think I WANTED to be here tonight? Are you friggin serious? I am here because Dixie Carter told me I had to go, to <mockingly> improve relations with the OOWF. Yeah? Well screw all of you. Looking out at the crowd right now……all you are are worthless bingo hall wrestlers <loud boos now>. I did my time with that back in ECW. I WAS ECW. I went out there and busted my ass in front of those drooling mouthbreathers for seventy five bucks a night, and what do I have to show for it? I got a pat on the back and a free t-shirt and was told to hit the bricks. So each and every one of you are beneath me, and if given a chance, I would take each and every one of you into MY ring, and beat the snot out of you without breaking a sweat. Now, announce the nominees so I can get the hell out of here
VOG: The nominees for Heel of the Year are…….Chris Evans……..Moosehead Jack…..and…..Ghosthead
BR: And the winner is…….big friggin whup, Chris Evans, get your punkass out here and take this award.
<Bully Ray drops the card and walks off the stage to a chorus of boos. Chris Evans comes down the aisle, flanked by a large squad of security and the boos that had been for Bully quickly turn to him. Evans gets to the podium and looks at the award>
CE: So you all hate me huh. Good. I don’t need your respect or approval for anything I do. Where were all of you when I was new and being dressed down by Firewoman every week? Where were you when I got roped into Davin and Alex’s little pissing contest? Where were all of you when Eric O’Mac wouldn’t give me the credit I deserved for being the best wrestler in the OOWF? Where were you when I fought Bryce Larson, a man I considered a friend, and drove a railroad spike into his head? Where were you when I built the single greatest collection of talent in OOWF and we dominated like no one before, I’ll tell you where you all were, trembling in fear. And now that I have this <holding up the OOWF World Heavyweight Title> you are all going to continue to say my name with fear on your lips, because I am Chris Evans. I am the best in the world, and I don’t need your approval or validation.
<Evans turns and walks off the stage again, leaving the Heel of the Year award sitting on the podium>
GMS: What a jerk! On to happier things now, next up is the counter to Heel of the Year, Face of the Year! And while I may not like faces as much, they are WAY more important! They move merchandise! Do you know how many foam BOOM fingers Danny has sold? Well I don’t know either, but I am sure it is a lot! Here to present the award for Face of the Year, WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Sheamus!
<Sheamus comes out to a mixed reaction from the crowd, he walks to the podium and waits for the reaction to die down>
S: I recognize a lot of yer faces out there. I know some a ya are still sore at me for kickin that other Seamus fellas arse a few years ago. Hey, no hard feelins on my part. You know, if there is one thing we can all agree on, it’s that the fans come out ta see us, and them cheerin us on, man, that’s what it’s all about!
<cut to Moosehead Jack, who looks like he is going to be violently ill>
S: I have watched the OOWF a coupla times and there are some a ya who get it. The fans pay our salaries, I go out there and bust my arse in that ring, so each and every one a them can say “hey, I saw that Sheamus fella wrestle, and by god, he was the best wrestler on the card!” Now, without further ado, let’s get the nominees for face o’ the year!
VOG: The nominees for Face of the Year are….Danny Taylor……Chad Madison…..and…..Alexander Darling
S: And ta winner is……..”Dynamite” Danny Taylor!
<Danny looks stunned, but Vic helps him to his feet as the crowd applauds. He hugs Ashley and Spencer and heads to the podium with Vic. Danny shakes hands with Sheamus and takes the award and just looks at it wide eyed. The crowd cheers, but Danny doesn't even seem to notice. Finally he looks up, and just mouths the words Thank You. This causes the crowd to erupt again. As he goes to walk away, the camera mic picks up Vic's words.>
DVD: You can't leave them hanging bro.
<Danny turns back to the podium, taps his heart and then points out to the crowd, and mouths the word “BOOM!” the crowd rises as one and gives him a standing ovation>
GMS: The final two awards. Our next award is one I am proud of, and one everyone in this room should be proud of too. Match of the Year is more than just an award. Being in the Match of the Year means you have risen to the top of your game and performed at a level that merits the recognition of your peers. There have been too many great wrestlers to count in the OOWF. From recent Hall of Fame inductees Hardbody Harris and Blackdragon to Underdawg, Concrete TG and Chris Cole, to the current greats in LD Williams, Chris Evans and Stank among others. And yet with all these greats, only a few will ever be honored with Match of the Year. There may not be one man who embodies the notion of Match of the Year better than our next presenter. It was often said that, in his prime, he could carry a broomstick to a five star match. Ladies and Gentlemen, the one, the only…..the Nature Boy Ric Flair!
<2001 a Space Odyssey plays and the Nature Boy walks to the podium. The entire audience rises and gives him a standing ovation that goes on and on. Finally the applause dies down and a clearly moved Ric begins to speak>
RF: You know, I have presented an award here many, many times, and the welcome I get from you people never fails to move me to tears. For that, for the respect shown, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. <another ovation>. There are many things I have done in my career that I am not proud of. I tried to destroy Ricky Morton’s face on a concrete floor. I broke Barry Windham’s arm in a car door. I came back for one match too many. But one thing I will forever be proud of is what I could do in that ring. My matches with Sting, with Dusty Rhodes, with Magnum TA, with Barry Windham and especially Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat will go down in the annals of wrestling history as some of the greatest matches ever witnessed by the fans, and the almighty God himself. Tonight, someone is going to be able to add “Match of the Year” to their resume, that is forever, that right there is the diamonds of professional wrestling, that ensures you are remembered for the ages. Now…..Voice Over Guy, I know you got it in you, give us the nominees for Match of the Year……..WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
VOG: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RF: WHOOOOOOOOOOO
<everyone shares a laugh at this>
VOG: The nominees for Match of the Year are….The New Guard vs. The Old Guard – War Games….Double Elimination 4 Way Tag Match….Chris Evans vs. LD Williams – Barbed Wire Cage Match…..and….Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman – Bloodpond Street Fight
RF: And the winner is…….the most violent match I think I have ever seen……Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman – Blood Pond Street Fight!
<the phalanx of security comes back out and gets between Moose and Fire as they accept their awards glaring at one another. This time Fire grabs the mic first>
FW: The last award you will ever get in the OOWF Jackie, Sunday you are GONE! YOU HEAR ME? GONE!
<Moose snatches the mic>
MHJ: Write it down, next year I am going to be right here on stage, accepting ANOTHER award for Match of the Year for destroying that sham of a marriage at Hell on Earth. SAY IT LISA! SAY IT! SAY YOU QUIT!
<the two lunge at one another in a fit of rage and have to be forcibly restrained and taken to the back. Ric remains at the podium, something else clearly on his mind>
RF: Now……some of you may be wondering why I am still here. And some of you may have noticed there was something missing in the list of nominees for Match of the Year. There is a technical tie in Match of the Year, and the OOWF has decided to honor everyone involved, everyone who has ever stepped into that OOWF ring, every single one of you is responsible for the OOWF 500 and every single one of you will get the recognition you deserve. 500 shows is an amazing accomplishment, and every single one of you deserve acknowledgment
<Flair steps from behind the podium and bows to the crowd and salutes them all. The audience rises again and applauds Flair. After several minutes, Flair leaves the stage and GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: We are almost done. Our final award is……
<before GM Selena can finish, she is interrupted by the video screen crackling to life behind her. She turns around and sees Awesome Bill From Dawsonville and Justin Sane trying to hide out from the police. It appears they are sitting in a book club with a bunch of ladies. Justin and Bill are wearing old fashioned mustaches, Bill has on a derby while Justin is wearing a monocle?
Lady1: I thought the subtext of “The Divine Love of Lady Swansworth” was a critique of the dominant nature of men over females in seventeenth century Belgium. It was an indictment of man’s repression of women’s sexuality! <looking at Bill> What did you think Mr…….what was your name again?
ABFD: Uh…….Awesome…..um……Outstandin Mark from Dawson……uhhhh Dawson Park. Yeah. The book? Well, uh, I would like to read from page 35, the uh seventh paragraph down….
Lady 2: Mr. Outstanding Mark From Dawson Park……I believe you are holding the book upside down
JS: In his defense, he reads better that way
Lady 1: And you are?
JS: Me? I am…..I am Doug. Yeah. Doug Hawk.
Lady 3: Well, Mr. Hawk…..what did YOU think of the book?
JS: Oh, well I thought it was a classic example of the narrative foreshadowing the events of ones life. If you recall, Father Bainsby predicted the events of the night in October when Squire Rochester and Lady Barnaby disappeared into the moors never to be seen again. Also, Madame Foucheaut hinted at the infidelity of her husband Baron Hussendorf with her sister Agnes Hostentot after her husband died in the war. She confessed this on her deathbed. It wasn’t so much an indictment of repressed women’s sexuality as it was a scathing critique of the hypocrisy of the upper classes. They condemned Tom Oglethorpe and Mary VanEenten to a life as outcasts because they had sex out of wedlock, but their entire existence was based on a web of infidelity and lies.
<Bill just stares at Justin with his mouth open>
Lady 1: What REMARKABLE insight Mr. Hawk!
Bill: <whispering to Justin> How did you know that mess?
JS: I didn’t, Drunkey told me
Bill: Drunkey done readified this mess?
<Before he can answer the police walk in, Justin and Bill do their best to look inconspicuous>
Officer 1: Ladies, you wouldn’t happen to know who owns those two donkey’s tied up outside would you?
Lady 4 (Ellie May): There are donkey’s outside? Well Officer, I am sure none of us have ANY idea why the DONKEYS ARE TIED RIGHT OUT FRONT, do we?
JS: Uh….Gentlemen, we are with the Dayton Animal Control Board…..we uh…..we were here to investigate the strange appearance of those donkeys, we were undercover and you blew our cover. Instead of making a fuss over it, we will just impound the donkeys and leave
<Justin and Bill walk out of the room, the INC follows them outside where they quickly hop on Drunkey and Drunkette>
ABFD: Where we goin now?
JS: We gotta get to the arena! We can hide out there!
ABFD: Ain’t we banned from there?
JS: We are <crowd sings along> BANNED FROM EVERYWHERE
ABFD: HOT DAMN!
<the screen fades and GM Selena just stares at it and shakes her head, clearly annoyed>
GMS: I hate those two SO much! Ok, back to it <deep breath>. Our final award is Wrestler of the Year. I don’t think I need to explain the honor that comes with this award. Being voted Wrestler of the Year means you are the best, the absolute best in this sport right now. You are the apex, the top dog, the man. Who better to present this award than the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, CM Punk
CULT
OF
PERSONALITY
<CM Punk walks out to the podium and soaks in the cheers. They finally die down and Punk speaks>
CMP: Anyone can walk out to the middle of the ring, get on the mic, and say they are the best in the world. The worst wrestler in the world can do that, he has the audience, and there may even be some in that audience that believe it. But there is a difference between SAYING you are the best in the world, and PROVING you are the best in the world. For almost a year now, I have gone to that ring each and every night and PROVED that I am the best wrestler in the world. I am not just saying it to…..to be a heel…..or because I want that to catch on as a catchphrase. I am saying it because, in my heart, I believe every word of it, I am the very best wrestler in the world………that said……the winner of Wrestler of the Year in the OOWF can also make that claim. <cheers> I know, I know. You didn’t think I would go there. I have seen you. I know what you do here, and…….well this might get me in some trouble with Vince and Paul, but I will put what you do here against any fed in the world……including the WWE. <huge ovation for this>. Now, without further ado, let’s get the nominees for Wrestler of the Year
VOG: The nominees for Wrestler of the Year are….LD Williams….Chris Evans….and….Stan Fulton
CMP: And the winner is……..LD Williams!
<LD gets to his feet as does the rest of the crowd. LD makes his way to the podium and shakes hands with Punk and they share a manly hug of manly manliness. LD Williams takes the award and just looks at it for a minute>
LD: September 25, 2004, LD Williams vs. Underdawg. It was my first match in the OOWF. I lost that match, but that didn’t deter me in the least. Fast forward to the OOWF 500, LD Williams vs. Underdawg. This time, I won that match. Eight long years. No one thought I would make it that long. No one thought I could claw my way to the top of the heap. I didn’t do it alone. No one does it on their own. I had the benefit of working with some outstanding wrestlers in those eight years, they pushed me, they made me better, they helped make me what I am today. I feel like this award is just as much theirs as it is mine. My only hope is that one day, I can help……
V: ……you can help what?
<Chris Evans walks onto the stage, and he gets a huge chorus of boos>
CE: You can help bury guys that are better than you? You can put others down so you can keep your spot? Look old man, the fact that you won this award this year, over ME, proves that this whole award ceremony is a complete joke. I am the world champion! I am the main event! I am…..
LDW: YOU are really starting to piss me off. Show some class Evans. Turn around and walk away. There is a time and place for temper tantrums, and this ain’t it. I will deal with you at Hell on Earth, until then, shut your mouth and go away.
<Evans seems to contemplate this for a minute, and nods his head and starts to walk away, then takes his title and charges at LD! LD ducks the title shot and peppers Evans with punches to the head! The title falls to the floor and LD goes to whip Evans into……something…..but pulls him back into a BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX THAT SENDS EVANS OFF THE STAGE AND THROUGH A TABLE IN THE FIRST ROW! LD Williams casually walks over to the OOWF World Heavyweight Title and picks it up and looks at it, then raises it high in the air. As if on cue, CM Punk, Austin Aries, Kevin Steen and Sheamus also walk out and stand behind LD Williams, their titles on their shoulders, and we fade to black>
That time of year again! Seriously, eight years? Who would have thought we could make it that long? To me, the OOWF is every bit as good now as it has ever been. The level of creativity is amazing. I want to thank everyone who has helped, thanks to Dev for taking over booking after I got burned out on it. Thanks to Wyatt for stepping up and writing matches, and special thanks to Shark for stepping up and writing entire Mayhems when no one else could. And thank you to everyone for making this such a fun distractions. Sure, we argue about it, but in the end, as ridiculous as it might sound, I think we are all part of something we can be proud of. Here’s to another great year in 2012/2013!
-John
Past Winners[/u]
Wrestler of the Year
2012 – LD Williams
2011 - Stank
2010 – Alexander Darling
2009 - Poe
2008 - Stank
2007 – Stank
2006 – Thim Reynolds
2005 – Donovan Viper
Tag Team of the Year
2012 – Texpress
2011 – Drink & Destroy (Danny Taylor & Outback Jack)
2010 - Texpress
2009 - kz
2008 – Phantos & Lucios
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – 3Piece Set
Face of the Year
2012 – Danny Taylor
2011 – Alexander Darling
2010 – (tie) Ravenna Blue & Alexander Darling
2009 - Ecosystem
2008 – (tie) Concrete TG and Phantos & Lucios
2007 – Firechild
2006 – Capellan
2005 – Hardbody Harris
Heel of the Year
2012 – Chris Evans
2011 - Ecosystem
2010 – Moosehead Jack
2009 - Firewoman
2008 – Eric O’Mac
2007 – Stank
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – Donovan Viper
Breakthrough Star of the Year
2012 – Awesome Bill From Dawsonville
2011 – El Lobo Sangriento
2010 – Ravenna Blue
2009 – Chris Evans
2008 - Firewoman
2007 – Voltage
2006 – The Halfrican Americans
2005 – (tie) Firechild & Capellan
Match of the Year
2012 – (tie) Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman – Blood Pond Street Fight & The OOWF 500th
2011 – Firewoman vs. Tytan – November Pain 3
2010 – (tie) Firewoman vs. Alexander Darling – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Iron Person Match - OOWF Blood Bath in Paradise 3 & Chris Evans vs. Bryce Larson – Steel Cage Match –OOWF Judgment Eve 5
2009 – kz vs. The Team From Down Under – MidWeek Mayhem 5/20
2008 – OOWF Jobber Gauntlet
2007 - The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy – Unsanctioned Match
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Devil’s Brigade vs. wCw – Bamboo Scaffold Match
2005 – Canadian Dragon vs. UnderDawg – Ultimate Hell
Feud of the Year
2012 – Moosehead Jack vs. Firewoman
2011 – Texpress vs. The Flyin Hawaiians
2010 - Alexander Darling vs. The Quinn’s
2009 – Firewoman vs. Tytan
2008 – Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Angle of the Year
2012 – The Rise and Fall of the New Guard
2011 – CEO Ecosystem
2010 – Firewoman’s Wedding
2009 – The Rise and Fall of Run DEA
2008 – Team Rick Goes to Jail
2007 – (tie) DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship & Drink & Destroy vs. The Heroes Guild
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Promo of the Year
2012 – Attitude Adjuster Directs Banned From Everywhere & Stank in a Training Montage - Moose
2011 – Booker Meeting - BC
2010 – Where I’m From - Ecosystem
2009 – The OOWF Goes Hollywood - Stank
2008 – A History of The Chickenshit Heels
2007 – Drink & Destroy Genealogy Promo
2006 – OOWF Airplane Ride From Hell
2005 – Donovan Viper’s Promo Before Dance of Death
Finisher of the Year
2012 – Double Elimination – Power & Glory
2011 – (tie)Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland, Dark Darling Rising – Alexander Darling, Stank-U - Stank
2010 – Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2009 – Crucifix Bomb - Poe
2008 – Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2007 – (tie)A Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland & Intentional Disqualification – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – Call of the Wild – The Team From Down Under
2005 – The Chomp – GatorBait
Catchphrase of the Year
2013 – I Can’t Believe I Work in This Shithole – Stan Fulton
2011 – Boom! – Danny Taylor
2010 – I’m Junichiro Muyo, and I WILL Save You - Ecosystem
2009 – Work Smarter, Not Harder - Ecosystem
2008 - HA! – Eric O’Mac
2007 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2006 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2005 - Trust Me – Moosehead Jack
Gimmick of the Year
2012 – Banned From Everywhere
2011 – No Gimmick Needed – Stan Fulton
2010 – Eco the Savior
2009 – Tytan: DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion
2008 – Rabbxt Becomes Bunny
2007 – “Cowboy” Johnny Adrenaline
2006 – The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000
2005 – Donovan Viper
NPC (Non-Player Character) of the Year
2012 – Voice Over Guy
2011 – Justin Sane
2010 - Selena
2009 - Selena
2008 – (tie) Carl From Fresno & Alexis Darling
2007 – No Award Given
2006 – Missy
2005 – Ric Flair