<
jazz plays as we cut to a deserted street somewhere. Everything is in black and white and we see a man in a suit, wearing a fedora and a long, ill-fitting rain coat. As he walks, he begins talking and we realize it is Awesome Bill From Dawsonville……like you’ve never heard him before. He gets to the arena and looks up at the marquee and shakes his head as he goes inside>
ABFD: This used to be a nice place. The kind of place you would bring your family for an evening of entertainment. It was run by the kind of people you wanted your family to meet. Good people who just wanted to entertain. Those days are over. Now…..now we got people getting’ run over by cars and mysterious masked men pushin’ people off ladders…..<shakes his head> we got wives being put through tables, guys getting’ dressed up like security and jumpin’ people. I tell ya……it don’t make no sense no more.
<Bill walks through a door into Nowhere and sits at the bar, he pulls a flask from his pocket and takes a long drink as the bartender brings him a whiskey on the rocks>
ABFD: I got a call from a dame, I read her name in the social pages. Wish I could say we used ta run in the same circles, but her kind doesn’t associate with people like me. Rumor is she got involved with this wrestling fed, the OOWF. Probably to piss off her old man. Ellie May. Prettiest dame you ever saw. One night, she called me, outta the blue, said she needed me, needed the team. I ain’t one ta say no to a pretty face, so here I am. <looking off in the distance> I can only imagine, a night with her would be like a shot of whiskey. Going down, its smooth, but in the end……you got burned. Yet, I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about her. That dame had my head all turned around. I had to talk to her, find out what she wanted, but I didn’t know if I could come back to the game. I had made it out, I was done……but in this business, there is no final farewell, there is no retirement, you always come back. You keep coming back until they carry you away. That’s the damnable misery of it.
<Bill takes a long drink from his whiskey and lights a cigarette. A very pretty woman sits down next to him and orders a martini, we assume this is Ellie May>
ABFD: You got the info?
EMFE: Yeah. We have a good idea who it was. There is a strong desire to get rid of him.
ABFD: We talked about the price
EMFE: <dropping several bundles of money on the counter. Bill picks them up and flips through them and seems satisfied> Half up front, half when the job is done. I assume your men will be ready?
ABFD: <taking another long drink> Lady, my men are always ready. Look over there….
<Bill points to a darkened corner where Justin Sane is sitting, bandanna around his head, cigarette hanging from his mouth, sunglasses on, he is disassembling a sniper rifle and cleaning it with care>
ABFD: That right there……That’s Justin Sane. Kid doesn’t say much, but he is the best shot you’ll find…..well……the best shot you’ll find who’ll do what we do
<Bill orders another drink and then points to another corner of the room where Arctic McBearington is working out, lifting weights and some calisthenics>
ABFD: Arctic McBearington……strong as a……well strong as a bear. Once he gets his hands on you, you are done. He’s forgotten more ways to hurt a man than you and I will ever know. And finally…..
<points to the last table, where Opus sits, patch across one eye, he seems to be assembling something, looks a little like a Molotov Cocktail, but fancier>
ABFD: That’s Opus
EMFE: No last name?
ABFD: He didn’t tell, and we don’t ask. He doesn’t say a whole lot either, but if something needs to be demolished, or otherwise obliterated, he is the man you talk to
EMFE: Very interesting. Quite a cast of characters you have assembled here.
ABFD: Look lady…….
EMFE: Ellie. Please. Call me Ellie
ABFD: <internally> she had a smile that could melt steel. She flashed me those pearlies and I almost flew off the stool. What is it about this dame? She comes across as all class, dresses to the nines, she could be at home in some fancy State dinner, rubbin elbows with all them fat cats in Washington and no one would think her out of place. And yet, somehow here, in Nowhere, a dive that would make sailors squeamish, she somehow seems completely comfortable. Of all the cases I have cracked, of all the jobs I have done……solving her is probably going to be the hardest
ABFD: <taking a long drink> This could get messy
EMFE: I figured as much
ABFD: If things go sideways……you don’t know me. We never met. Got it?
EMFE: Yes. So…….when will this be done?
ABFD: Lady……from this point on, the less you know the better. I think it’s time for you to head off now….
<Ellie May gets up to leave, then stops and turns and looks at Bill>
EMFE: And your name was?
ABFD: Folks used to call me Awesome Bill……though I gotta say, I haven’t felt so awesome lately
EMFE: <coyly> Well…….Mr……..Bill……perhaps once this…….unpleasantness is behind us, we can have a drink and work on restoring your……awesomeness. <Ellie drops her card on the counter> call me
<Ellie May turns to walk away and Bill watches her>
ABFD: I hated to see her go, but damn son, I liked watching her walk away. That dame had all the right curves in all the right places. She had the devil about her, the kinda woman you didn’t dare take home to mother, but the kind you damn sure wanted to take back to your hotel room. I could get used to havin’ that around, but before any of that, we got a job to do.
<Bill puts his cigarette out and takes his drink and rounds up Justin, Arctic and Opus. The camera fades before we can hear their conversation. When it comes back in, The four of them are driving down a dirty alley in an old car. Bill stops and Arctic and Opus get out>
ABFD: You know the deal. Do what you need to do, then disappear. We’ll meet at the place on Oak Street later tonight.
<the two nod then walk off. Bill and Justin continue on in silence. They pull up behind an old, abandoned building. Bill kicks the door down and they walk in and head up the rickety old stairs. They get to the roof top and take a seat waiting for the cover of night. Bill pulls out his flask and offers it to Justin, who refuses, and goes back to cleaning the sniper rifle he has laid out on the roof. Bill drinks deeply, then sits back and talks>
ABFD: Justin…..you ever been head over heels over a dame?
<Justin doesn’t say anything, he just nods>
ABFD: I got mixed up with this broad a few years ago, a redhead. My mother always said, leave them redheads alone, they was nothin’ but trouble. She was right too. This dame had a temper as fiery as her hair. Didn’t last long, but let me tell ya……it probably took ten years off my life, but it was worth it
<Justin just smirks, but again says nothing>
ABFD: But this Ellie May dame……that girl has class. I tell ya, I just met her a few hours ago, but I feel like I’ve known her forever. I can’t get her out of my mind. What is it about these dames that, once they get their claws in ya, it changes ya. I ain’t ready to be changed Justin……or…..I didn’t think I was…….
<Justin still says nothing, but he gets to his feet and throws his cigarette off the side of the building, points to the rapidly setting sun, then chambers the bullet in the gun. Bill watches him and nods>
ABFD: Time to do this
<Justin and Bill move toward the edge of the building. Arctic takes position right outside the door while Opus goes around the side. He lights a fuse and throws something through the window. A second later there is a loud explosion that blows out several of the windows. A few seconds after that, several men in suits come out the door. Arctic pounces and quickly dispatches the henchmen, leaving them lying motionless on the ground. The leader reaches for his gun, but McBearington slaps it from his hand>
ABFD: That’s our guy…..
<the view switches to the view through the sniper scope. They move slowly until they are on the target and we see it is Vincent Kennedy McMahon>
BANG!
<fade>
EMFE: Wait, wait, wait…….you want us to KILL Vince McMahon???
AA: I don’t see the problem……
EMFE: MURDER! THAT IS THE PROBLEM!
<Justin falls off the couch and goes catatonic. Behind him, potted plants explode>
EMFE: LOOK! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO JUSTIN!
<Drunkette walks over and licks Justin’s cheek, bringing him back to normal. Bill helps him back on the couch>
JS: I DON’T WANT TO KILL ANYONE!!!!!
ABFD: Yeah son……Pappy Sill From Andersonville done toldified me that once you killify a man, like REALLY killify them, they’s no comin’ back from THAT! It ain’t like them Buggy Bunny and Doofy Duck cartoons wherefor they get blowed up and then get back up! This chere……wait a second……this chere is MURDER!
<Justin starts hyperventilating again and they give him a bag to breathe into>
AA: Look……it’s ONE little murder! To further the storyline! Come on……I mean WE took out an Indian Shaman
EMFE: And you are STILL wanted in Canada!
AA: Seems like, for all the times we have been in Canada we would have been caught by now…….ANYWAY……look, they won’t know it’s you
EMFE: THAT MAKES NO SENSE! IT’S OBVIOUSLY THEM!!!
AA: We will edit out their faces
EMFE: And names? And the bar they go to?
AA: I am sensing a little bit more pushback on this than I anticipated. Do you NOT want me to win Promo of the Year…….for you…….win it FOR you…..clearly
EMFE: Not if it means murder. No
AA: It’s just Vince McMahon……..<looking at the camera> Oh, by the way Vince, your offer to me must have got lost in the mail, send it again, or contact Johnny Ninefingers, he handles my……..assets. So…….your answer is no?
EMFE: not just no. HELL NO!
AA: Ok, I thought there MIGHT be a little resistance, I didn’t think you would outright refuse, but that’s ok, this is AA you’re talking to! I make stars! I win promo of the year! I……I uh……ok! Yeah! I have a backup plan!
<Justin, Bill, Ellie May, Arctic and Drunkette are all riding in a 70’s style van…..the BFE Machine. Justin and Bill are in the back, making some sandwiches while Arctic, wearing a totally stylish ascot, is driving, Ellie May sits in the middle, and Drunkette is by the door>
AM: Jeepers, this fog is getting really bad! I can’t see a thing!
EMFE: Arctic, I’m scared! Maybe we should pull over!
JS: Like, out here? In the middle of nowhere? Nooooooo thank you!
ABFD: Nuh uh son!
EMFE: You two are the biggest couple of scaredy cats I have ever seen!
JS: And, like, we are juuuuuuust fine with that!
ABFD: Uh huh!
<just then, something darts across the road and Arctic swerves to miss it and ends up in a ditch. Everyone climbs out of the van, Arctic grabs a flashlight and looks around>
AM: What was that?
JS: M….m……m…….mmmmmmaybe it was a….a…aaaa…..a GHOST!
ABFD: A GHOST? OH NO!
JS: OH NO!
EMFE: Arctic, do you think it was a ghost?
AM: I don’t know……..
Drunkette <who has gained the power of speech> There is no such thing as ghosts. I am sure there is a perfectly logical conclusion to all of this
AM: Well…..we can’t stay out here, the van is stuck and we need to call a tow truck. Look……that path over there seems to lead to that big building, maybe someone has a phone up there. C’mon gang, let’s go!
JS: You want us to go up that long, dark, spooky path to that big, dark, spooky building? Nooooooo thank you!
ABFD: You said it!
EMFE: Would you do it for a PCPL snack?
JS: No way. Nuh uh
EMFE: How about TWO PCPL snacks?
ABFD & JS: OK!
<Ellie May throws them in the air and Bill and Justin both catch them and swallow them down.>
ABFD & JS: Lead the way!
<they head up the path in a nasty thick fog. When they get about halfway, they hear someone hammering. The fog clears a little bit, and we see a man standing there hammering spikes into an old railroad tie………for some reason>
AM: Hey mister…….you got a phone? Our van is in the ditch down the road and we need to call for a tow truck
Man: No-uh……I haven’t got a phone-uh
AM: Darn…….well, you think someone has one up there in that building?
Man: Aye, they may…..but-uh I wouldn’t go up there if I-uh were you
JS: Well the creepy man with the sledge hammer has a good point! We’ll be on our way now!
Drunkette: Justin….get back here!
EMFE: Why wouldn’t you go up there mister?
Man: That place is-ah cursed. Cursed by the most vile demon you can-uh imagine. Folks call him Crispen Wah
JS: c-c-c-c-c-crispen wah?
Man: The Canadian Crippler! Legend is, he sneaks up behind ya and chokes you out! Snaps your neck! JUST LIKE THAT <snaps his fingers> then he lays you down real gentle and lies a bible next to your head. You never hear him coming until it’s too late-uh
JS: ZOINKS! Ok m—m-m-m-m-ister we will be leaving now!
AM: But, what about the van?
JS: Like forget about the van, man! I would rather walk down that creepy road than go into that building and be choked out by some Canadian spook!
ABFD: Yeah!
EMFE: You mean that road where we already saw………a ghost?
<Bill and Justin both start whimpering and crying>
AM: This sounds like a job for the BFE Gang!
ABFD: I hate when that ol boy says that!
AM: follow me!
Man: <as they leave> It’s-uh your own funeral-uh!!!
<they creep up the path and finally get to the old dilapidated building. Arctic shines the flashlight on the sign above the door and it reads OOWF Arena>
AM: Well…..this is it. There must be a phone in there somewhere!
JS: Yeah…..and a really creepy Canadian ghost
Drunkette: Justin, you and Bill believe anything. There is no scientific proof for ghosts. Especially Canadian ghosts that like to choke people out! The is no mention of Crispen Wah anywhere!
JS: Yeah…..like he never existed……like….because he is a GHOST!
AM: Let’s just go in and find a phone. We’ll split up. Drunkette, you Justin and Bill search downstairs, in the bowels of the arena and Ellie May and I will search upstairs.
JS: Awwwww no man, like, you’re not foolin US again! Why do WE always have to search the creepy downstairs?
ABFD: Yeah!
AM: Ok, fine! Ellie May and I will search the upstairs, and you guys get to search the creepy downstairs
JS: Like that’s better man!
ABFD: Wait……
<the gang splits up and Arctic McBearington and Ellie May walk through the upstairs of the arena looking for clues. They come to a door that says GM the Nate’s office. They walk in, and on the desk is a hastily scribbled note……
EMFE: A CLUE! Jinkies, can you read it?
AM: I’ll give it a try…….
Vince and his goons……send help……Nate<Arctic picks up the paper and looks closer, and a newspaper clipping falls out, it is an old photo of Vince McMahon>
EMFE: This must be the Vince from the letter!
AM: I recognize this guy! He is an old wrestling promoter! Rumor has it that the OOWF was the only promotion he couldn’t buy. He tried, but they always fought back and refused to sell
EMFE: So how come their arena is empty? Well…..except for that creepy guy outside
AM: I don’t know, but we have to get to the bottom of this! Let’s go find Bill, Justin and Drunkette
<meanwhile, down in the bowels of the arena>
JS: Like, I don’t like the looks of this place! The last thing I want to see is that Crispen Wah guy
ABFD: Meeeeee either!
Drunkette: You two are the biggest chickens I have ever seen! Now keep up, it’s dark down here!
<just then, Drunkette’s flashlight goes out and we hear her fall>
Drunkette: JINKIES! I lost my glasses! No one move!
JS: Like…..not a problem man!
Drunkette: I can’t see ANYTHING without my glasses! Wait! Here they are!
<Drunkette puts her glasses back on and turns on the flashlight again and we see Crispen Wah standing behind Drunkette>
JS: ZOINKS! It-it-it-it-it………
ABFD: Monster! Monster! Monster!
Drunkette: What are you two going on about? There’s no such thing as MONSTERS!
JS: CRISPEN WAH!!!!!!!
<Drunkette turns around and sees Crispen Wah standing there. She lets out a squeal and ducks just as he lunges at her. All three take off running with Crispen Wah close behind them.
Crispen rounds a corner and we see two crates sitting there, one about the size of Justin, one about the size of Bill, lying on the floor. Crispen smirks and evil little smirk and climbs up a conveniently placed ladder and lands a FLYING HEADBUTT! The crates are SMASHED but, no Justin or Bill! Crispen gets to his feet and Justin and Bill pop up out of old Chicken Shit Heel Collector 55 Gallon Drums and take off running.
Bill, Justin and Drunkette race up the stairs, they burst through the doors at the top and SLAM into Arctic and Ellie May>
EMFE: What are you guys doing?
ABFD: M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m
AM: What? Spit it out?
Drunkette: MONSTER! RUN!!!
<the gang takes off running with Crispen Wah after them. Some
jaunty music begins to play and the gang starts heading into abandoned locker rooms with Crispen chasing them. They come out other doors, sometimes they are chasing Crispen, sometimes he is chasing them. Sometimes Justin is chasing Drunkette while Crispen watches……at one point all of them stop and put their hands on their knees to catch their breath, then Crispen lunges at them again, but the gang escapes. As they are running, Arctic hatches a plan>
AM: I think this Crispen Wah guy was a wrestler
EMFE: So?
AM: So, wrestlers always fall for one trick…….Justin, Bill, when Crispen stops, I need you to hit him from behind with a foreign object
JS: Like……where are we going to get a foreign object?
AM: Just use anything! When he starts to fall, Ellie and Drunkette, you wrap him up with one of these cords lying on the ground for no reason. Ok?
Gang: OK!
<They run a little bit more and Arctic gives the signal and Bill and Justin fall off to one side, while Ellie and Drunkette fall to the other. Arctic falls to the floor and grabs his knee in pain. Crispen quickly catches up and stands over him for a moment, then slowly walks toward him. >
AM: NOW!
<Justin and Bill NAIL Crispen from behind with a chair and a kendo stick. He staggers forward and Ellie and Drunkette quickly tie him up in cords.>
AM: GOOD WORK GANG!
<the scene shifts and we see the gang standing there with the police (guess they found a phone) Crispen Wah is tied to one chair, while the creepy guy with the sledgehammer is handcuffed and standing with the police>
AM: Who is that guy?
Officer: This is Hunter H. Helmsley, we caught him trying to break into the Wild Buffalo exhibit at the zoo, kept saying something about needing a new robe so he could be the King of Kings again. We tied him to the arena when he mentioned something about Crispen Wah coming after us
EMFE: But, who is Crispen Wah?
Officer 2: Chris Benoit is a former pro wrestler, he went crazy and killed his family, then committed suicide, back in 2007 I believe.
JS: SO IT IS A GHOST!
AM: No, I suspect we will find out RIGHT NOW!
<Arctic grabs at Crispen’s head and pulls off a mask revealing…..BLACK MASKED GUY>
AM: No…..that still doesn’t quite add up…..
<he grabs the masked guy by the head and pulls, and the black mask comes off revealing……>
All: VINCE MCMAHON!
VKM: And I would have gotten away with it too if not for you meddling kids!
AM: Let’s just make sure here…….
<Arctic pulls as hard as he can and……VINCE’S HEAD COMES RIGHT OFF HIS SHOULDERS!!!!!>
AM: Oops! I guess Vince just……lost his head!
All: Laughs
<fade>
AA: well?
EMFE:………
JS: …………
AM: Did I……..just……..decapitate……Vince McMahon?
AA: YES! Think of the crowd reaction!
JS: I don’t think I like this guy anymore
AA: Justin, Justin……it’s not REAL
JS: It’s not?
AA: NO! Well……I mean…….not YET
EMFE: There is NO WAY IN HELL any of my boys are going to murder Vince McMahon! FORGET IT!
AA: Do you want promo of the year or not?
EMFE: NOT IF IT MEANS MURDERING SOMEONE!
AA: You women are SO touchy! Ok……I have one more idea. I saved the best for last, you are going to LOVE this one!
August 11, 2014. 6:14pmChung chung<we are in the interrogation room at the local precinct. Black Masked Guy is sitting at the table when Detectives Sane and Dawsonville walk in, followed by Chief Elijay>
DS: This our guy?
CE: This is him
DD: You get anything from him yet?
CE: Not a word
DD: We know you did it, we can make you talk
DS: <throwing some photos in front of Black Mask Guy> See that? That’s what’s left of Jason Allen. Sure, no one liked him, but the man was PUSHED off a ladder…….by you
BMG: …………
DS: <dropping a few more photos> You see this? This is Danny Taylor. This is AFTER he got run over by a car. LOOK AT HIM! That is my FRIEND lying there. Now either you start talking or…….
<there is a knock on the window and the three of them leave the room to find staff psychologist Dr. Sidney Freedman standing there>
DF: He won’t crack
DD: We have to try, that sonofabitch did it
DF: He won’t crack, and the more you try to force it out of him, the less he is going to say
DS: <to Chief Elijay> Give us one more shot
CE: <nodding> ok, one more shot
<the Detectives walk back in and stare at the masked man when suddenly
music begins playing>
[Detective Sane}
I can't stand it I know you planned it
I'm gonna set it straight, it wasn’t Nate
I can't stand wrestling now I got in here
Because your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear
So while you sit back and wonder why
they knew I drove the ride
Oh my, it's a mirage
I'm tellin' y'all it's sabotage
[Detective Dawsonville]
So listen up 'cause you can't say nothin'
I’ll shut you down with a push of a button?
But yo It’s out and you’re gone
I'll tell you now I take you on one on one
[turntables by Opus]
'cause what you see you might not get
And we got Saints so don't you get souped yet
You're scheming on a thing that's a mirage
I'm trying to tell you now it's sabotage
[turntables by Opus]
[wicked bass solo by Arctic McBearington]
Why; our backs are now against the wall
Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage
Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage
Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage
Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage
[Detective Sane]
I can't stand it, I know you planned it
But I'm gonna set you straight, the O is great
And I’d be cryin if I was in your place
cause ol Bill is gonna punch a hole in your face
But make no mistakes and switch up my channel
I'm Lisa Quinn when I fly off the handle
What could it be, it's a mirage
You're scheming on a thing - that's sabotage
<the music ends, and all three of them just stand there, and it fades to black>
EMFE: That’s it?
AA: Well……no one died
EMFE: And we never found anything out!
<everyone notices that Justin is sitting there with his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open>
ABFD: Justin! Son! What’s wrong?
JS: <slowly looking at everyone in the room> We were right
ABFD: We was?
JS: The masked guy……..he couldn’t talk
ABFD: So?
JS: So……..the only person in the OOWF who can’t talk is………Danny Taylor
<there is a long silence, then Ellie breaks it>
EMFE: Justin……that is crazy, Danny Taylor wouldn’t hurt anyone, let alone run HIMSELF over with a car!
AA: No, no……I think the boy is onto something here! Quick! I need a good courtroom drama……
ABFD: NIGHT COURT! That show was outdamnstandener than hell!
AA: No…..something serious!
ABFD: Yahoo Serious? That ol boy was funnier than hell!
AA: NO!! I have to……..I’ll be back…….all of you, just wait here DO NOT MOVE!
<AA rushes out the door>
AM: What just happened there?
EMFE: Alan Capps is insane……..Justin, Bill…….you can move
JS: But he said……
EMFE: Never…….EVER…….listen to what Alan Capps has to say. Now come on, we have to clean up Nowhere
<fade>
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