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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:17:36 GMT -5
<Part 1 - The Setup> <we cut to GM the Rick’s office where he is writing something on a legal pad, there is a knock at the door> GMtR: I’m busy <another knock GMtR: WHAT? <Concrete TG walks in> GMtR: Look, Crete, I am really busy, I am trying to get next week’s lineup filled in CTG: Good, then I am just in time, I need to ask you a favor… GMtR: Look, I know, I know, you want an Onslaught Championship Match. I have you scheduled for one this week… CTG: Can you make it non-title? GMtR: What? CTG: And for the non-title match, can you suspend the time limit? GMtR: I can, but why? CTG: Look, I saw what happened with Nayr, Entity lasted ten minutes and kept the title. He is a touch competitor, I want to see all he has if I am going to beat him in ten minutes when the title is on the line. Oh, and how bout if I win, I get a guaranteed title shot the following week GMtR:<Looking at Crete with exasperation> Fine, what do I care, you got it. Now if you’ll excuse me….. <Crete leaves, and the door barely closes when Chris Alt struts in and drops the Intercontinental title on GM the Rick’s desk> GMtR: Yeah, I see that, nice job. Alt: I want my shot at Harris next week GMtR: You can’t just demand a match like that, there are others… Alt: <raising his voice a little> LOOK Rick, I am close, I am so close I can taste it! All I need is another shot, Harris can only duck me for so long. I have something to prove to my “best friend” GMtR: That was a misunderstanding, just talk to him and quit being such a douche, beside Capellan is going to want a rematch.. Alt: Cap is a good guy, he can wait, Rick I am so close you’ve GOT to give me this match! <Just then the door is nearly kicked off its hinges and Chris Cole storms in wild eyed and furious> CC: THAT WAS BULLSHIT!!! I SHOULD BE THE CHAMPION NOW!!! I HAD THAT JOKE HARRIS BEAT!! I DEMAND ONE ON ONE REMATCH NEXT WEEK!!! GMtR: TAKE THE BASS out of your voice!!! CC: Tak your head out of your ass and GIVE ME WHAT I DESERVE!! I AM THE #1 CONTENDER TO THE TITLE!!!! Alt:<holding up the Intercontinental title> Ahem. This says that I am the number one contender, and I get the title shot, right Rick? GMtR: <sigh> Technically Cole, he is right, the Intercontinental champion is the #1 contender to the World Heavyweight Title. So Alt gets the match, I will give you..<flips through his notes> Shashwat Mishra next week CC:<trembling with rage, and speaking almost in a whisper, but glaring right at GM the Rick> Rick, I want you to know, that what I do to Mishra next week is completely on YOUR hands. And Rick, so help me God, you screw me out of what I deserve one more time, and I am going to split your skull and leave you for dead. I am through playing games. <Alt flips over Ricks desk, then leaves, slamming the damaged door so hard it falls off its hinges> CA: Rick, you made the right decision, I won….. GMtR: OUT!!! OUT!!!! FUCKING GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!! |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:18:50 GMT -5
<Part 2 - The Lineup>
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Archangel, Russia
OOWF World Heavyweight Championship Match[/u]
Hardbody Harris vs. Chris Alt
OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
wCw vs. The Chickenshit Heels
Non-Title Onlslaught Championship Match - No Time Limit[/u]
Uncle Entity vs. Concrete TG
Russian Chain Match[/u]
Drink & Destroy vs. KZ
Bunkhouse Brawl[/u]
Josh O'Neal vs. Firechild
Siriram vs. Microplay
Ax-Man vs. Mr. Jealous
Thim Reynolds & Eric O'Mac vs. Corax & Seraph
Shashwat Mishra vs. Chris Cole
Predator vs. Canadian Dragon
Nayr vs. Matt Daddy
Austraroo & Fly vs. Grounded In Reality
SoulDragon & Mercury vs. The BlackDawgs
The Team From Down Under vs. The Devil's Brigade
Niles Anderson vs. Capellan
Card subject to spells, potions and ancient relics from the forbidden tales of ancient times
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:19:12 GMT -5
[The Chickenshit Heels stroll into the Rick's office, as usual, unannounced, but bickering amongst each other...]
JA: That is EXACTLY what happened to Luger.
AA: I know... I should've shut up.
JA: Well, we didn't get pinned. We didn't submit. Maybe he'll give us a rematch.
The Rick: Um... idiots? I'm right here. You got something you want to ask me?
AA: Can we get a rematch?
JA: A mulligan, so to speak?
AA: A do over?
JA: A second chance?
AA: Another try?
JA: Another round?
The Rick: Look you two... can't you read? You have your rematch, look at the posted lineup.
AA: We do?
JA: You mean we didn't even have to ask?
AA: So wait... me mouthing off to some random guy at the bar last night didn't cost us the titles?
The Rick: No, dumbass, it didn't.
AA: Cool, we're free to drink and talk to random people.
The Rick: But let me tell you two something... I saw the DQ at the end of the match, and I gave you the benefit of the doubt. if Creech doesn't let go of the title belt, you don't wallop Wilder...
AA: But I was going to...
[Johnny elbows AA]
AA: ...was going to throw it out of the ring.
The Rick: All I'm saying is this. Don't get yourselves in that sort of compromising position again, cause if you get counted out or DQ'ed again, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!
JA & AA: Huh?
The Rick: I mean, you won't be getting any more title shots. You're dismissed.
JA: Oh, I thought we were Naval aviators there for a second...
[Johnny and AA turn to leave.]
The Rick: Gentlemen...
[TCH turn around.]
The Rick: Good luck, gentlemen.
[The camera follows Johnny and AA out the door and as they begin to walk down the hall.]
AA: Are we supposed to go sing "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" now?
JA: Hey, that's gimmick infringement.
[TCH laugh as we fade out.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:21:14 GMT -5
*Camera fades from black to show Canadian Dragon sitting on a ladder with Sexy Female Journalists # 619.*
CD: : But they're engaged.
SFJ# 619: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
CD: Why not? It's bound to come up.
SFJ# 619: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
CD: Sure, why not?
SFJ# 619: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.
CD: How is it that I go from being a World Champion and the OOWF's most exciting wrestler to being relegated to a feud with Predator and having nothing to talk about in a promo to the point where I get in to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court?
SFJ# 619: Flair's sandwich stand isn't part of the food court.
CD: Of course it is.
SFJ# 619: The food court is downstairs. The sandwich stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
CD: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
SFJ# 619: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside, of said designated square, counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if your going to wax intellectual about the subject...
*Canadian Dragon cuts her off by delivering a Canadian destroyer off the ladder through Flair's sandwich stand.*
CD: See, that's what you get for fucking with me.
*Camera fades to black.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:21:38 GMT -5
Josh O'Neal is sitting in a country-style hillbilly setting, with dilapidated cars, the whole nine, etc. in the rain
JO: Firecrotch. Listen up, and listen up well. You have started something. Something that should NOT have been started. Something that will cause pain, torment, and agony to fall upon you...
JO looks up at the sky, staring at the precipitation
JO: .....fall upon you like rain. Now, what is the best way to put out fire?
JO smirks, and walks away, the camera looking directly towards the fury of rain coming down, then fades to black.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:28:25 GMT -5
Niles Anderson confronts Capellan outside the Rick's office.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?' Niles demands as he jabs Cap's chest with his finger, "Losing my belt to that punk Alt?"
Capellan swats the finger aside,
'Your belt? Funny, but I don't remember seeing it around your waist last week. The ref made a bad call. It happens, and I've already let Rick know I'm not happy about my rematch being delayed."
"Rematch?" Niles smirks, "I should be the one getting a sho at Alt. After all, I didn't get pinned."
"Why would he give a title shot?" Cap asks, "You've already had about fifteen against me and come up short every time."
Niles take a swing and the BRAWL is ON~! Cap and Niles trade big right hands a few times, then Niles charges and Cap drop toe holds him through the Rick's door. The door bursts off its hinges as over 200 lbs of the Specimen flies through.
"What the FUCK are you idiots doing!?" the Ricks screams, as he nearly spills his whiskey. "Keep your lovers' tiffs out of my damn office!"
Cap and Niles brawl out of sight, to the accompaniment of crashes and bangs of trash cans, dumpsters and other conventiently placed scenery.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:28:49 GMT -5
Stank is getting his chest and ribs wrapped as FFC paces the room.
FFC - These guys are psychotic.
Stank - And they don't realize we can go right there with them.
FFC - That's tough talk coming from someone who just got his chest turned into ground beef.
Stank - It's just a scratch.
FFC - Look. Your blood is already seeping through the bandages. They got you pretty good.
Stank - What's that on your back?
FFC - Huh?
Stank stands up and removes the 2x4 with the nails in it from FFC's flesh.
FFC - Whoa, I hadn't realized it was still back there.
Stank - Listen, I have a plan.
FFC - Shoot.
Stank - If there is an invisible ninja cameraman in here, get the f*ck out.
The cameraman complies, backing out of the room and fading the camera on the Drink & Destroy nameplate hangin from the locker room door.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:29:13 GMT -5
JW Westgaard and Tommy Wilder are outside their Locker room.
Tommy is trying to teach Missy how to do an olie on a skateboard, and JW is sitting in a lawn chair drinking one the new BUdweiser Alchoholic energy drink thingies while reading "Lets Play Hockey'
Tommy instructs, "So you put your foot here and go like this...."
Tommy performs a perfect olie.
Missy tries one and fails miserably, falling on her ever so cute ass....
JW: Careful there toots....you don't wanna hurt your meal ticket...
Missy tries again, same result.
Tommy begins to help her up when the DDT Heavy Metal Champion Phil walks up.
Phil: Yar, I been skateboarding all over tha galaxy...let me show ya a thing or two thar Missy.
Phil peforms an ollie
Wilder is impressed, "pretty good for a zombie robot piratre ninja"
JW, "don't forget lawyer"
Phil: Yar, that be nothin'
with that Phil pulls off a kick flip jetpack assisted 1080.
Wilder's jaw hits the floor.
Right as Phil lands the brawling Capellan and Niles anderson slam into the robot-pirate-zombie ninja knocking him into Missy, who falls on top of Phil.
Cap and nile continue brawling down the hallway and into the parking ramp's Taxi waiting area.
Phil: Yar. ....How are YOU doing?
Out of nowhere Referee Hale comes flying in and gets a two count before Phil realizes what is goin on and pushes missy off whith his telescoping arms..
Phil: ye be an Evil Gold digging wench after me title!
MIssy: that peices of shit belt?! get real
Phil Advances at missy and Wilder IMMEDIATELY steps in between the 500 pound Phil and the 105 pound missy
Tommy: BACK. OFF. NOW.
Phil looks at Tommy and then at JW who has now put down his magazine and is watching the fracas.
Phil, looks at the tag champs and then Missy, " Yar, stay away from my title wench!"
Phil leaves...
JW: Buh bye now....
Tommy , who seems very riled up: DUDE what an ass!....what would missy want with his title....
JW looks at missy who just kinda shrugs her shoulders with a sly grin on her face....
end scene
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:29:38 GMT -5
-Matt Daddy is walking through the arena with a satisfied look on his face. He sees Chuck Norris by the water cooler, hitting on SFJ # 28.
Matt: “Chuck! Was it really necessary to call me an idiot in the ring?”
Chuck: “Look, can’t you see that I’m busy right now? Can’t you come back later?”
Matt: “Excuse me miss… Would you mind terribly resuming your conversation with Mr. Norris at a later time? It would mean a lot to me and I would be forever in your debt.”
SFJ # 28: “What a gentleman, it would be my pleasure.”
-SFJ # 28 gives Chuck Norris her business card and leaves content. Chuck appears to be furious.
Chuck: “What the hell was so important it couldn’t wait an hour…?”
Matt: “An hour? What on earth would take you an hour? Wait… Don’t answer that… I don’t want to know.”
Chuck: “Matt you have to understand… I called you an idiot to give you incentive to do better… You work much harder when the odds are stacked against you and when people are putting you down.”
Matt: “Look, I’m doing fine… You’re getting too fired up around here. People are starting to feel threatened in my division… No one wants to take me on anymore due to the wrath of Chuck Norris. Why do you think they put me against a monster like Mr. Jealous?”
Chuck: “If you don’t want me around anymore, just tell me! Don’t beat around the bush!”
Matt: “Chuck… Maybe you should just stay back stage for a while.”
Chuck: “Fine partner, fine… Here, Nayr wanted me to give this to you.”
-Chuck hands Matt a sealed envelope. Matt opens up the letter.
“Dear Matt Daddy
You suck and you’re a crap hat… I think that your mother is hot in leather and that you smell like cabbage.
The only reason that I’m feuding with you right now is so I can get my hands on the most powerful force in the universe… Chuck Norris. He is one handsome man and I wish I could be more like him.
P.S. If you want to find me, I’ll be in the computer room playing the World of Warcraft. I’ll be waiting for you.
Sincerely,
Nayr the Halfling Luchadore”
Matt: “I owe you an apology Chuck… Let’s try things your way for once.”
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:30:04 GMT -5
<Jack and Williams are walking down the hall>
LDW: So, a Russian Chain match huh?
MHJ: Seems appropriate, we ARE in Russia
LDW: You know this won't intimidate those two idiots in the least.
MHJ: I know. They are not bright enough to be afraid.
LDW: Jack we gotta squash these two. Whatever it takes to bleed these to dry, thats what we are going to do
MHJ: Preach on my friend. <Jack and LDW pause in front of D&D's door, Jack listens and hears them inside talking.> I have an idea, come with me for a second.
******************
<Stank opens the door to the locker room and starts out>
Sta: Its that easy, Jack and Williams won't know what...<WHAM>
<JAck and Williams drop Stank where he stands with a con-chair-to. Stank collapses to the floor, Capslock rushes to his partner's aid and grabs Moose by the throat and shoves him against the wall. Before he can do any damage, LD Williams blindsides him in the side of the head with a chair shot sending the big man to one knee. Jack grabs Capslock and drops him with a DDT on the concrete. Meanwhile LDW pounds away on Stank, slamming his head into the floor, leaving a pool of blood. Jack grabs the prone Capslock and locks in a cobra clutch/camel clutch combo. Capslock fights for a moment, but then his eyes roll in the back of his head, he is out. Jack releases the hold and Capslock face smacks the concrete. Jack and Williams get a few more kicks in and leave. As they walk down the hall...>
LDW: Nice move in there, what's it called?
MHJ: jiendo
LDW: The End?
MHJ: yup
LDW: niiiiice.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:30:31 GMT -5
<Stank's vision clears as he sits up. He looks over at his partner who appears to be unconscious. Stank crawls over to his partner and shakes his shoulder.> Stank - Lock? Lock wake up! <FFC stirs and groggily looks up at his partner. They both look like sh*t.> Stank - Did you get him? FFC - Yeah... around his throat... I don't even think he noticed. Stank - I told you it would be easy. FFC - Yeah, but my head hurts. Stank - Well there's nothing like a little revenge to cure what ails ya. C'mon they should be collasped not too far from here. The poison only takes a couple of minutes to grab hold. <Completely drained of their toxic contents, FFC and Stank remove the rings they were wearing. Stank walks down the hall to find Moosehead Jack and LD Williams limp bodies lying on the cold hard floor. Concrete TG is standing over MHJ.> CTG - Well Well Well. How the mighty have fallen. Stank - Beat it, Crete. We've got this. CTG - Hey, don't let me stop you. <With his hands raised Concrete backs off down the hallway and out of sight. FFC comes from the opposite direction holding chains. He hands one chain to Stank and ties a chain around LD William's ankles. Stank does the same to Jack and they drag the bodies down the hall, around a corner down to the bowels of the arena, and into a room. An hour passes. Moosehead Jack's eyes flutter open. The first thing he notices is that it is completely dark. The second... there is a small throbbing pain in the side of his neck. The third... his head is POUNDING. It feels like all the blood is rushing to his cranium and it's no wonder... beacuse he's hanging upside down. He opens his mouth to speak and tastes blood. A cough intercepts his words and he chokes on blood. After his coughing fit is over, his lungs clear, he spits coagulated blood to the floor... lord only knows how many feet it lies below.> LDW - Jack? You're awake. MHJ - Where are we? LDW - I don't know. I've only been concious a few minutes... I'm hanging by my ankles. MHJ - Me too. LDW - Well SH*T! What do we do... MHJ - Just hold on... let's see how this plays... <A door is heard opening and clanking shut. From the echo it sounds like the room is fairly large. A few moments pass. Moosehead Jack decides to initiate the conversation.> MHJ - So... Capslock, Stank. Is this al... <A single lightbulb ignites between a hanging LD Williams and Moosehead Jack. Jack is blinded then feels a fist slam into his jaw. The impact sets him swinging back and forth. FFC catches then holds him still. Stank uses LD Williams as a punching bag for a moment then laughs while watching Williams swing from his ankles.> MHJ - I will SKIN YOU BOTH ALIV... <FFC punches MHJ again in the mouth.> Stank - Shut the fu*k up, Moosey. We're talking. You're bleeding. LDW - Screw YOU! FATWAD! <Stank smacks the taste out of Williams mouth then tapes it shut. He does the same to Moosehead Jack.> FFC - It's like this Jack... We can go back and forth like this forever. No matter what you do. We will keep coming back. Tit for Tat. Your problem? You vastly underestimate us. It's ok. Most teams do. Stank - I mean C'mon do you guys REALLY think we're dumb. That we don't know what we're getting into? We have been through some of the bloodiest, goriest, most brutal matches in the OOWF. Some we've won and others we haven't. FFC - But the one thing our opponents always know in the end... They have been through the toughest fight of their lives. <Jack takes a moment to survey his surroudings while D&D talk. All he can make out from the illumination of the single lightbulb is that he and his partner are strung up by chains, hanging roughly 7 feet from the floor below. His vision is still a little blurry but he can tell that he is being held at the mercy of two ticked off, very large men. He struggles, but chains have his arms bound to his torso. It's no use.> Stank - So you see KZ. We're not impressed. Maybe it is you two who are too stupid to realize what YOU have gotten into. We ain't gonna be no cakewalk... and it's gonna take more than a concerto and a sleeper hold to keep us from getting what we want... You trying to say something LD? Here... let me help you with that. <Stank RIPS the tape from LDW's mouth!> LDW - AAAGH WHAT DO YOU WANT! FFC - What do we want? What do we WANT? Stank, tell em what we want. Stank - Victory. FFC - And we will do WHATEVER it takes to get it... Hold on... Moose looks like he's got something to say. <FFC slowly removes the tape from Jack's mouth.> MHJ - This... this... is going to cost you. FFC - I can see Jack that you aren't impressed. Stuff like this never really did impress you now did it? Niles carves words into your chest and you gleefully retaliate... much harm, plenty of foul. But that's working on your level... Stank - We can tell you guys enjoy violence almost as much as we do. We don't want you to enjoy this... JOSH! LIGHTS! <Flourescent lighting floods the room and now LD Williams and Moosehead Jack are totally blinded. It takes a moment before Jack notices the room is decorated with NY Yankee paraphernalia. He spies blood dripping down from a gash in his partner's head, to a wet concrete floor below. He also notices his partner is wearing a NY Yankee Jersey. He looks up and sees he's wearing... no.> MHJ - No. NOOOOO! <MHJ is adorned in a SF Giants uniform, but what REALLY catches his eye is the number 25 he spots in a reflection off the wet floor.> MHJ - I WILL KIL... <FFC punches Moose in the mush then retapes his mouth.> LDW - Ha the jokes on you. I like the Yankees. <Moosehead Jack shoots LD Williams a glance promising death.> LDW - Uh... I mean... You two will PAY! <Stank punches LD Williams then tapes his mouth shut as well.> Stank - We leave you with the Autobiographical tale of a certain outfielder as told on an audio recording by Gary Sheffield. FFC - This part was my idea. You gotta love those books on tape. FFC walks over to a speakerbox and presses play. SB - Chapter one... How I make the Yankees great... It all started when I was 12..... <MHJ, through sheer will, rips the tape with his teeth and screams...> MHJ - MURDER!!! YOU TWO!!! FFC - Huh? Moose, was that even a sentence? <D&D and Josh O'Neil walk out and clang the door shut.> JO - Wow you guys are nuts... YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! Stank - Now you see Josh. I did something like this to Firechild once... JO - No. No mind games for firecrotch. Just a severe beating followed by a month in the hospital should do the trick, YEAH! FFC - That's why I love this guy in a totally heterosexual non Brokeback Mountain kind of way. JO - So... You're just gonna leave them hanging there? Stank - I'm sure some OOWF Officials will make their way down here and turn them loose... eventually. |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:30:53 GMT -5
<Many hours later, after Jack and LD Williams have been taken down, they sit in a room lit by a single bulb, Jack is still wearing the SF Giants jersey, the sleeves have been ripped off, as has the name and number, and it is stained with blood, Jack is still bloody, but quite calm>
MHJ: Well, I have to say, that was a clever move on your part. Poison? Giants gear to mess with my mind? Well played.
However, something you said struck me, something you said amused me. See I think you two are not the brightest guys going. Simply because you, like everyone else I have run across, fail to realize that this is a war you cannot win. I have never questioned your toughness, I know you like to bleed, I know you like to fight. But you two are just like everyone else, you don't have what it takes to go that extra step to stop me.
So, make no mistake, there is going to be violence, there is going to be blood, broken bones and pain. But how far will you go? How far will you take it?
See, there is something in a name, you guys, Drink and Destroy, that says alot. And you live up to your reputation. When LD and I decided on KZ it wasn't by accident. Joyful Slaughter, we enjoy bringing pain. You say you enjoy it too, but at some point we will all come to a line, to a point where the punishment and pain will become unbearable. Will you cross that line? Will you gamble everything in the end. We will.
LDW: I'm going to keep this sweet. I don't need to sit here and tell you what I am going to do, at MidWeek Mayhem, in a Russian Chain match, I will show you. Whichever one of you I am chained to, by the end of the night, you will fear me.
MHJ: At some point you two are going to have to decide how much you are willing to endure. In the end, whoever is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice is the winner. In the end, it will be KZ.
Trust me
<the light flicks off>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:39:12 GMT -5
Johnny Adrenaline walks into The Chickenshit Heels locker room.
JA: Hey, AA. You in here? You won’t believe what happened to Moose…
AA: Shut the fuck up, Johnny!
JA: What? We haven’t used that gimmick in a month or so. But you have to see this. Moose is wearing a Barry…hey, what are you watching?
AA: Top Gun. See, I didn’t get that promo you cut earlier this week about “flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong.” I mean, we’re in Russia, not Hong Kong. And at least it would be rubber dog shit instead of real dog shit, which I think would really stink up a cargo plane. So I did a bit of Googling and realized you were referencing Top Gun.
JA: You’ve never seen Top Gun? I thought you were hip?
AA: I am hip, damn it. And apparently I was really hip back then. Because this movie is a piece of trash, and I knew that when it was in the theaters!
(AA turns off the television.)
AA: So what’s this about Mooseheadjack and Barry Bonds wearing women’s clothes?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:39:35 GMT -5
Nayr is walking backstage, looking annoyed.
Nayr: Darn it, I was subjected to like 3 weeks of Chuck Norris abuse, won a number one contender's match, and then Uncle Entity retained because of the stupid time limit!
He walks up to the card and his eyes bug out.
Nayr: Matt Daddy? Again? Oh boy. And where Matt is, Chuck Norris is sure to be close by. Just like the Luggage in those Terry Pratchett books.
Chuck Norris saunters around the corner, looking pleased with himself.
Chuck: Hello, Nayr. Won any Onslaught titles yet? Huh? Remember the Onslaught title? With the new rules? Remember those new rules? Remember the new rule that is a time limit? The time limit that stopped you from gaining the title? Huh? Do you remember, Nayr?
Nayr: Just hurry up and roundhouse kick me, Chuck. I'm not in the mood for this.
Chuck: Actually, Nayr, that's not why I'm here.
Nayr: Yeah, right.
Chuck: Seriously. You see, Matt trusts me. He does. And when I told him that you had sex with his wife, he seemed to believe me. But I can still see a little glimmer of disbelief in his eyes. He tries to hide it, but he can't hide anything from Chuck Norris.
Nayr: Huh? I had sex with his wife?
Chuck: Aha! I got it! holds up a tape recorder and presses play
Tape Recorder: I had sex with his wife?
Nayr: What? I didn't have sex with Matt Daddy's wife! Besides, there's clearly a question mark at the end of that recording, accompanied by a rising inflection in pronunciation.
Chuck: Aha! Got that too! holds up a second tape recorder, plays the original message again
Tape Recorder: I-
Chuck plays the second tape recorder
Tape Recorder 2: ... have sex with Matt Daddy's wife!
Chuck: And now I've got all that on a third tape recorder!
Nayr: What the- you'll never get away with this Chuck, you devious scheming megalomaniac!
Chuck: That's Mister Megalomaniac to you.
Nayr is caught totally unaware with a roundhouse kick! Nayr goes down!
Chuck: And don't you forget it. walks away, leaving Nayr in a crumpled heap.
EDIT: Darn it, there was a typo there for like 3 days, ruining the continuity of the promo. As moose would say, FIXED (though he'd say it in a new post, so I'm not completely ripping him off).
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:40:02 GMT -5
In a completely dark room the voices of Drink & Destroy and Josh O'Neal are heard whispering to each other
FFC- Is this really gonna work?
S- Yeah, come on. Our plan was clever, this...this is just silly.
JO- No! Its brilliant! Just like your plan! You'll see. We just need to wait.
FFC- I'm just wondering what you need us for. We're not really intigral to this scheme of yours.
JO- I wanna show you guys that I can be clever too. I got plans. C'mon, I'm a member of the team now. I wanna do all that stuff you guys do.
S- Right. But maybe you should be a little more...I don't know...cerebral.
JO- Shhh! I hear someone coming!
Firechild enters his lockerroom and turns on the light.
JO- SURPRISE FUCKER!
Josh O'Neal hurls a brick at Firechild's face. Firechild hits the ground.
JO- Eh? Nice, right?
FFC- Hell yeah!
S- Uh...I guess you got the intended result, but...uh...well, good for you.
JO- Thanks! Drink & Destroy featuring Josh O'Neal strike again!
FFC- That reminds me: we gotta do something about that name.
S- Right. Lets do it after we get those 1000 stitches apiece that you and I are due.
FFC- Am I still bleeding?
S- Of course you are.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:40:26 GMT -5
[The Chickenshit Heels are "stratigeezing" in the locker room.]
JA: ...maybe if we put the ether soaked rag to the ref behind his back.
AA: But he'd know though.
JA: I don't know, man! All I do know is that we can't cheat this week.
AA: No, we can't get CAUGHT cheating.
JA: Still... I'd like to have those titles.
AA: Me too.
JA: You got a stamp in your bag?
AA: A stamp?
JA: Yeah, cause we're TOTALLY mailing this promo in.
AA: Sandwich?
JA: Sandwich.
[JA and AA leave to go eat. Fade to black.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:41:13 GMT -5
[Johnny and AA get to Flair's Sandwich Shoppe, where they find Ric ripping off his suit in extreme anger.]
AA: Naitch, what's the matter, man?
JA: Ric, you're too old to be flipping out like this!
RF: I'LL KICK THEIR ASSES!!!
AA: Whose asses?
RF: THE DAMN RUSSIANS! NIKITA! IVAN! THEY PAID ME A VISIT, DAMN IT!
JA: They didn't beat you up, did they?
AA: You look fine to me...
RF: THEY DIDN'T PAY FOR THEIR SANDWICHES!!!!
AA: They WHAT?
RF: SO WHAT I RETAINED AT STARRCADE '86! THAT SANDWICH?? IT WAS REAL!! IT WAS REAL, DAMN IT!!
JA: That's OUR money, Alan.
AA: I'm not standing for this....
[AA grabs a couple of sandwiches, and he and Johnny take off out of the arena.]
JA: Aren't you gonna pay for those?
AA: We own the place... partly.
[The Chickenshit Heels reach the outside of the building and see footprints in the snow leading to a car in the parking lot.]
JA: Didn't Nikita Koloff have a Russian Sickle? That would make a REAL cool weapon to add to our bag of goodies.
AA: Dude, that was his finisher. It was a clothesline!
JA: Oh... You think they went that way?
AA: SEE THE TRACKS?? Of course they went that way. Let's go get em!
[AA and JA creep up on an old car. AA boldly opens the car door...]
AA: Okay you idiots, hand over the... HUH?
JA: Nikolai Volkoff??
AA: Man, I thought you were running for Maryland Senate.
NV: Does kayfabe exist anymore? Sheesh.
AA: Did you get a sandwich from Naitch?
NV: I haven't seen Flair in like 25 years. Not since I got dumped in 20 seconds at the '92 Rumble.
JA: Well, did you see the Koloffs? They just stole sandwiches from Ric's shop.
NV: They drove into town.
AA: Come on...
JA: Good luck on your Senate race. See if you can talk to the people in Chevy Chase. Last year they...
AA: [grabs Johnny by the shirt] Will you come on!!
[Johnny and AA are seen driving up to a local bar. They sit in the car momentarily before going inside.]
AA: I didn't know they had bars in Russia. I thought Commie countries didn't have bars.
JA: You oughtta fit right in then, Mr. I Haven't See Top Gun.
AA: Shut the fuck up, Johnny. If the Koloffs are in there, we gotta go get our money.
JA: You know, this sure is a bunch of work for $7.00... and ya know, it's really only $3.50, cause Ric still owns the other half.
AA: Will you shut the fuck up and come on?
[The Chickenshit Heels cautiously enter the bar where a bunch of Russian guys are drinking vodka and having a good time.]
JA: Communism's come a long way, ya think? I mean, Ivan Drago wouldn't be allowed in a place like this.
AA: [to bartender] Excuse me, one sandwichski please?
JA: Another one? You just fucking ate, man? You're gonna be pushing 280, man!
AA: Hey, that's ONLY 127 kilos! I don't see them anywhere.
JA: Since you know Russian so well, why don't you ask someone?
AA: Good idea. Yo comrade!
[About 20 Russian guys turn around.]
JA: HEY! That's Boris Zhukov!
AA: It is Boris. Boris, did you know your former partner Nikolai is a U.S. Citizen now?
BZ: ïîäëåö! øïèîí!
JA: What the hell did he say?
AA: Shit, I don't know.
JA: I thought you knew Russian.
AA: Shows ya how much you know. Yo Boris, go sing the Soviet national anthem or something. Come on, Johnny...
[The Chickenshit Heels go to leave the bar, AA picks up his sandwich from the bartender, and they walk out into the cold.]
JA: Now what?
AA: I don't know.
[Suddenly, a young Russian man runs up to the bar door and greets Johnny and AA.]
YRM: John Adrenline. Atude Juster. Big fan.
AA: Really?
YRM: Watch this. Shut the fuck up ..... Johnny. Haha.
AA: He's funny.
JA: Fuck you, man.
AA: Hey, you wouldn't know where Nikita Koloff is, would ya?
JA: Yeah, he has our sandwich and our sickle.
YRM: To find Koloff... paint face like Road Warrors.
AA: And we'll be able to find the Koloffs?
[Young Russian Man nods...]
JA: Cool, I'm Animal.
AA: Let's find some paint...
[The Chickenshit Heels take off, as the camera stays with the YRM.
YRM: Idiots...
[fade out.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:41:36 GMT -5
Ax-Man and Fozzy the midget are hanging out back stage sitting on some creates.
Well last week I went out to prove a point, a point that I’m the superior athlete, that I was one who carried the 3 Piece Set to the heights of greatness that no other tag team has ever known, not the has been, can’t get the job done, how many more chances do you need, queer and retard, scummy and villainous, roust about, half wit, in-bred, curtain jerkin, ham and egger, excuse for a “main event” Chris Cole.
Now I proved this by doing exactly what I said I would do, two weeks ago Cole had a match against Microplay, where he beat Microplay via a gutless DQ in 13 minutes and 47 seconds. Now the following week I had a match against the same man, Microplay the former OOWF World Champion, a pretty good measuring stick by anyone’s standard. And what did I promise, I promised that I would beat Microplay in under 13:47 and that it would be a clean win, either pinfall or submission. To prove I’m the better man.
Did I get the job done? Tell ‘em Fozzy.
Fozzy gives a thumbs up and nods his head, for he is mute.
Now Fozzy you know deal, you’ve got your little whistle, one blow for yes and two blows for no.
Fozzy gives one hell of a Jeffery Hunter inspired Blow.
That’s right I got the job done! I made Micro tape at 11:48. I beat him faster and in a far more convincing way! So as a result it’s good see that Kris Kross is back where he belongs, in the mid card, but what about me, I’m stuck facing off some rhoided-up iron-bru dinking, dress wearing pansy, who has the gayest chest tattoo I’ve ever seen, Mbyea for the sake of your old age its just a transfer from a really big piece of gum!
Now this week at mayhem I’m heading to make my comeback 3-0 and prove once and for all I’m the only 3PS’er past or present deserving of being the World champ.
Fozzy hands Ax-man an envelope
Hey Fozzy you remember the last time you handed my one of these?
blows his whistle once
I take your not bolting for the hills indicates good news them? Ah It would seem that the afore mentioned rhoided-up iron-bru dinking dress wearing pansy, is a close associate and fellow country man of certain former colleague of mine! Excellent, you’re just the kind of bitch I feel the need take down and tear apart the knee caps of!
Then Mr Jealous you crawl back to pryo-infant, and you warn him of the on coming storm!
Fade to black.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:41:57 GMT -5
*Scheme Gene is talking*
SG: Fans, we've already seen some terrible brutality this week and - Team From Down Under, you're not supposed to be in this segment!
OBJ: You want to talk about something terrible, well listen to this. We've done some pretty nasty things in the past. We ended the career of the Brisbane Brawler, and some people never forgave us for the Manila Massacre, or the time we started the riot in the Egg Dome...
GB: Not to mention the Kyoto Incident.
SG: The Kyoto Incident?
GB: I said not to mention it.
OBJ: Right. But last week Harper Camby went too far.
SG: Because he cheats and fights dirty? Abuses women? Takes performance-enhancing supplements? Rips the tags off pillows?
GB: Roll the tape. *Footage of HC with the tray of Guinness rolls*
OBJ (drinks Fosters, belches): That's Australian for "You know, this means war!"
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:42:22 GMT -5
*It is late at night outside the arena where this week's Mayhem is to be held. We can barely make out the form of Chris Alt standing in the shadows. He is holding the Intercontiental belt over his shoulder and staring pensively into the darkness. We can see his breath as he speaks*
CA: Hardbody Harris. My best friend. I felt like I needed to apologize to you. I know that lately I've had a little bit of gold fever and it must seem to be making me a bit crazy. I hope you don't take it personally. It's just that you have something I want more than anything else in my life. And whatever I do to you to get that belt- please don't take it personally, man. You're my boy... but you're walking around with a belt that my destiny has dictated belongs to me. It's a shame, pal... you're the right person at the wrong time. I hope after I take my belt tomorrow night that we'll still be buddies. I'll see you then.
*fade to black*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:42:42 GMT -5
Chuck: “MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Matt: “Chuck? What’s with the evil laugh?”
Chuck: “I, uh, was just reading some of the jokes on my website… Apparently my tears cure cancer. It’s too bad that I never cry! MWAHAHAHAHA!”
Matt: “Look, Nayr is in the computer room playing a stupid video game… Let’s go have a word with him.”
Chuck: “Sounds like a plan to me there partner. Let’s roll.”
-Matt and Chuck Norris arrive at the computer room… Nayr is back facing the door. Chuck and Matt enter the room and slam the door shut. Nayr turns around startled.
Nayr: *still a little bit woozy* “What the hell is going on here? Where the hell am I?”
Matt: “I got your letter… Do you still think I’m a crap hat?”
Nayr: “What in the blue blazes are you talking about?”
-Matt throws the letter at Nayr… Nayr reads over it and looks amazed.
Nayr: “Matt, do you really think that I would write something like this? This is something a 6th grader would write!”
-Matt looks at Chuck Norris. Chuck Replies…
Chuck: “Look, I took the letter out of your locker while you were in the shower… Don’t play innocent… You’re busted Nayr. Give up!”
Nayr: “Matt… Chuck is playing you for an imbecile!”
Chuck: “Shut your mouth boy… Matt, I also got this when he was in the shower.”
-Chuck plays the tape with Nayr’s “confession”.
Matt: “Nayr…”
-Matt Daddy shakes his head in disapproval.
Matt: “Chuck, can you give me a minute please.”
Chuck: “Take your time partner.”
-Chuck Norris leaves the room. Sitting outside, Chuck hears screaming and things crashing to the floor. Matt Daddy comes out breathing heavily.
Matt: “Let’s go… I have a match to prepare for.”
-The cameraman runs in the room to look at the massacre. Nayr is lying on the ground in bandages.
Nayr: “Matt…”
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:43:10 GMT -5
Wilder: Dudes, I TOLD you this place ROCKED! Capellan: Wild, it is like 10 degrees below zero out here, man - like, WHY? Westgaard: Gotta admit Tommy - I like frozen water as much as any hockey fan - but this is kind of... Missy: NUTS? MORONIC? FUCKING STUPID? JWW: I was gonna say etreme - even for us. TW: C'mon guys - trust me! When was the last time I did something COMPLETELY out of control? Cap: Not counting last week's match? JWW: Or the flight to Archangel? Missy: Or the drive to this freaking frozen lake? That was a traffic circle, not Daytona... Wilder: OK, OK... geeze, try to liven things up a bit - and I missed the dude with the pushcart. OK - I missed the DUDE. Look - lets do the promo, then I'll show you the surprise - Cap: Anderson - you and me again. Dude, this has GOTTA be gettin' old for you - Mr. "FORMER" World Champ gettin push to the big wipe-out by me - some "punk surf kid". For me? Hey, I'll surf the same stretch of beach all day to catch that one, PERFECT wave. When I do, I'm off thr hook unstoppable - but you've seen a bit of that already, haven't you? And at Midweek Mayhem - Surf's Up poser! And so is your time! JWW <Turns to the camera>: OK, Chickenshit Heels - listen up. You CAN'T beat us clean. You know it. We know it. The fans know it. So we expect you to try something. Hell - I would be disappointed if you DIDN'T. Wilder: So go for it dudes! Missy: That's right - try it. You bring a chair, we're gonna bring.... JWW (Interrupting) - Maybe nothing. Missy: What? They cheat, and you'll just WRESTLE? Wilder: You posers gotta learn something - Look at who we've taken on to get and hold these belts. Look at what we've DONE. We'll go harder, higher, MORE EXTREME than you guys. You dudes are cutting promos, eating sandwiches and stalking actresses, we're living on the edge - The stuff we do in the ring? That's like - meditation dudes! Goin' off the big pipe, grabbin some big air and laying out on a 1080 Christ Air grab, knowin you've got zero give, and you're straight-jacketed. You can't beat us cause you just can't hang... Missy: Uh, what did he say there ate the end? JWW: Don't sweat it. Look. Adrenaline - Capps. Anderson. Call us Team Extreme, Team Caffine, Surf Punks, Hockey punks, WHATEVER. The fans call us wCw - We're not the guy your moms warned you about - but we took their lunch money. Missy: What? Wilder: DUDES! That was great! And now the surprise! <Some guys come out with ice-riggers> JWW: No! I haven't seen one of these in forever! Cap: DUDE! AWESOME! Missy: <Looking dubious> What are these things.... TW: Ice riggers! Sailboats on SKATES! Nikolai over there tells me on the open ice 'round here, you can get to 60 - 70 mph EASY. You can even get AIRBORN! Missy: EXCUSE ME? TW: OH YEAH! FREAKIN' AWESOME, huh? MISSY: Why are there 4 of these things? Cap: Uh - four of us? Missy: No..... No way. Uh-uh. TW: Um. Problem - that is the only way back to the hotel. Missy: <Balls up her fist and is walking toward wCw> You are joking - you BETTER be joking. JWW: Uh, sorry? Kid- say your sorry! TW: No. Cap: Huh? TW: C'mon Missy. You've been hanin' with us for a while - you're learning to skate, and I KNOW you've had some fun. Heck - you really liked running the bunny ramp when I was coachin' you on nollies last week... Missy: Yeah... maybe. TW: So - take to get on the edge! You gonnaplay it safe with button up suits and portfolios and MBA exams the rest of your life? You wanna be 8-5 working in some accounting firm? Missy: I never worked in accounting.... TW: <Stops a second> Never mind. Look. you can't play it safe. LIFE ain't safe. With the Devil's Brigade, Moosehead Jack, heck, even The Chickenshit Heels running around - you CAN'T be 100% safe. So when they expect you to zig - ZAG. JWW: Kid's gotta point. You can run scared, afraid of dieing, but never living. Or go as hard and fast as you can - at least make 'em work for it. Cap: Well? You going to stay on the beach, or get on the board and ride to open water? <Missy looks at all three guys...grabs a helmet> Missy: If I die, YOU <points at Tommy> gotta tell my parents.... TW: I KNEW IT! LETS RIDES COMPADRES! <Wilder gets into his rigger, Cap leans over to Westgaard> Cap: Tommys' been teching her to skate on the side? JWW: Yup - You caught that too, huh? TW: LAST ONE TO THE HOTEL BUYS DINNER! <Fade> |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:43:30 GMT -5
<Jack and Williams are sitting in the locker room, Jack is still wearing the blood stained Giants jersey>
LDW: So, a Russian Chain match, that's the best Rick could come up with?
MHJ: No doubt he doesn't want his little pet team hurt
LDW: What?
MHJ: Think about it, those two came out of nowhere. They have a fondness for violence and drinking, our intrepid GM likes to....indulge on occasion.
LDW: It wouldn't surprise me.
MHJ: You know, Capslock, Stank, when you first came into the OOWF, I made you an offer, I made you an offer to become part of the Establishment, but you refused. You two said you wanted to go it alone. Well that is all well and good, the Establishment is long gone, but I have not forgotten.
See, you two came in threatening destruction, and for awhile you lived up to it, which is why I made you the offer. But now? Look at you two. You have become a bunch of crowd-pandering suck ups. Instead of chasing the titles, you got duped into a long feud against the Chickenshit Heels over a box of promos
LDW: pathetic
MHJ: And what's worse, Adrenaline and AA beat you, you may have won the match, but they won the war. They are facing wCw for the straps, not you. Well, I hope you two are ok with falling down the ranks, because I guarantee you this, your path to the top does NOT start with KZ.
Trust me
LDW: Fear ME!
<JAck and Williams laugh maniacally as we fade out>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:43:51 GMT -5
(Uncle Entity is backstage w/ Jesse Garon being interviewed by SFJ #666 "
UE: Concrete, you and I have been back and forth and back and it's no surprise that I'm facing you time and time again for this title. But I want you to know...I want you to realize...that I have earned this distinction. See the Onslaught Championship is based on pure wrestling ability. And though I use the ghost of Elvis Presley's dead twin borother to gain a psychological edge in matches, though my ring music conjures up images of nordic battles and insane U.S. Colonels, though my sheer brutal behavior outside the ring may frighten the hell out of everyone in the OOWF, I can still come to the ring and deliver the goods! 1..2..3. And with no time limit this MWM, I can continue to hurt you as long as I wish!
(Uncle Entity smashes down the backdrop and stomps out. Jesse Garon obidiantly follows).
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 26, 2008 10:44:21 GMT -5
Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are in a Russian bar. They are dressed as The Road Warriors. Johnny is Animal and AA is Hawk. Ron Simmons is dressed as Paul Ellering, complete with a rolled up copy of the wall Street Journal under his arm. Why? Well, he wanted to go drink.
JA: So the kid told us that if we dressed as The Road Warriors we’d find Ivan and Nikita Koloff. We’ve been here for a stinking hour and we haven’t seen them. Tell’em, Hawk!
AA: Wellllllll! We snack on danger and dine on death! And I’m still hungry! Ivan and Nikita Koloff stole sandwiches from Ric Flair’s Sandwich Shop, and we want revenge. And revenge is best served cold! Though I don’t mind it a bit warm from the microwave, with some cheese melted over the top and some salsa…
JA: Will you quit talking about food, you overweight chump!
AA: Hey, you’re blowing our cover! These people think we’re The Road Warriors!
JA: Sure they do.
AA (turning to a drunk at the bar): Hey, dude, who are we?
DATB: The Ding Dongs?
JA and AA turn to each other, not sure whether to be mad or laugh. Before they have a chance to decide, through a back door enter The Koloffs. Being that this is now 2006, Ivan is 64 years old and wheels his Russian Chain in on a wagon. Nikita, a born-again Christian, carries a bible and is seconded by Ted DiBiase.
JA/AA: It’s The Russians!
IK: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s The Russians. Look at us. We’re big and mean. Look, you flew me all the way from North Carolina, taking me away from my wife Renae and my four adult children (thanks, Wikipedia), so this better be good. My arthritis really started acting up in Paris.
AA: Well, see my partner created this promo where you stole sandwiches from Ric Flair’s sandwich shop, and since we have partial ownership thanks to our buddy Niles Anderson, we’re now forced to find you two and get Ric’s money. So who’s giving up the $7?
NK: Anderson? Is he related to Ole or Arn? And why are you dressed up like The Road Warriors? And why are you (pointing to AA) so fat? I mean, Animal’s gained some weight recently, but that gut is ridiculous.
TD: He kinda looks like Playboy Buddy Rose.
AA: I do not! I’m still a slim, trim, 242 pounds!
Everyone at the bar starts laughing. AA gives the universal wrestling sign to quiet the crowd but it doesn’t work. Eventually the laughter stops.
JA: So as my partner was saying, who’s giving up the $7? Sandwiches aren’t cheap, you know.
IK: Those sandwiches weren’t worth 70 cents! Ric Flair has always been a thorn in my side, and all I ever hear when I walk around my hometown of Greenville, North Carolina (somehow Ivan gets a cheap pop from that), all I ever hear is “Do you know Ric?,” “Can you get Ric’s autograph for me?” And never once did he lay down for me! The Nature Boy? Ha!
AA: Well then, it looks like we have to go to Plan B. If you’re not willing to give us the money, we’ll have to beat it out of you.
NK: You and who else? God says Uncle Ivan and I will crush you!
TD: And God is on my side, too!
Suddenly, through a side door appears THE ROCK N ROLL EXPRESS!! Both are rather aged. Ricky’s still sporting the long hair but is balding on top. Robert is growing hair in places that we need not talk about.
RM: Rock and Roll will never die!
The Rock n Roll Express and The Chickenshit Heels attack Ivan Koloff, Nikita Koloff and Ted DiBiase, and the bar goes wild for 1980s NWA action! Suddenly from behind the bar jumps Bobby Eaton, Stan Lane and Jim Cornette! It’s The Midnight Express, and they attack The Rock n Roll Express. It’s good times had by all!
RS: Damn. Where’s Butch Reed when I need him?
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