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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:23:38 GMT -5
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem Live! From Thief River Falls, Minnesota *cold open, as a limo pulls to the arena. Getting out the limo, we see Firechild, followed by the brand new OOWF World Heavyweight Champion Chris Cole, and finally, looking very out of character in black slacks, a button-up silk shirt, and sunglasses, with a very arrogant smirk on his face, Chris Alt. As the three start to head into the arena, Spazz meets them at the backstage door.*
Spazz: Chris Alt, the world is DYING to know about your actions last week when you-
*CA pie faces Spazz to the ground as FC and CC laugh. CC squats down and thrusts the original OOWF heavyweight belt in Spazz's face*
CC: You see this, little man? This means that we run the show, and when one of us has something to say, WE come to YOU.
*they head inside, and we cut to*
OPENING CREDITS
*The ring is set up for what looks to be some kind of celebration. 3 Piece Set's music hits as Firechild and Chris Cole make their way to the ring*
CC: DAMN, it feels good to be the OOWF World Heavyweight Champion!
*enormous heat from the crowd, including asshole chants*
CC: Call me an asshole all you want, but that doesn't change anything. Last week, I used my title shot and I beat Has-been Harris clean in the middle of the ring. I finally rid everybody of that abomination of a champion and that wretched piece of metal crap he calls a belt. Last week, I became the top dog in all of professional wrestling, and whether you idiots like it or not, Chris Cole has now become a household name. And you can bet your last dollar- assuming any of you pieces of trailer park trash have that much money to your name, and I wouldn't count on that- that unlike your previous paper champion, I will not be ducking challengers and cheating shamelessly to defeat them when forced to defend. Hell, I'll never BE forced to defend because I am a fighting champion. I will be everything as a champion that former piece of crap champions like Donovan Viper and Harris were not- I will bring honor, prestige, and sportsmanship to this belt. I will defend this belt cleanly every time, and I will be the longest reigning OOWF champion EVER. And there is nothing any of you chumps backstage can do about it- not you, Concrete. Not you, Underdawg. Not you, Niles Anderson. Not you, Phil the zombie retard pirate cowboy gay stripper. And damn sure not you, Has-been Harris! It's all about the 3 Piece Set from here on out, and this belt belongs to NOBODY. BUT. ME. See, there's nobody in the back that wields more power than the champ, and when the champ is backed by the 3 Piece Set, you can just forget about it.
*crowd is booing the roof off, and CC stops and arrogantly soaks it all in*
CC: But tonight isn't just about your new world champion... tonight is a celebration of life for another man, as well. A man who just so happens to be celebrating his 26th birthday on the same day that I celebrate my ascent to living legend. Morons in the crowd, put your hands together for the birthday boy himself and the NEWEST member of the 3 Piece Set, Mr. Prime Time Chris Alt!
*3PS music plays again as CA makes his way to the ring to some huge heel heat*
FC: Chris, happy birthday, man.
CA: 'Child, Chris... let me just say thanks, guys. But I just want to get something out of the way to start. See, there's only room for one Chris in the 3 Piece Set. *CC shoots him a suspicious look* And Chris Cole, you've got the belt, so I think that you should get to keep your name. So from this point forward, all of you little people in the crowd and backstage, you will all refer to me as Altrageous.
CC: Altrageous, huh? I like it. It's got a ring to it... kinda rolls off the tongue.
A: I'm glad you like it, fellas. And as much as I appreciate the birthday party for me, there are a few things I feel like I need to get off my chest. Things about what happened last week. *A removes his sunglasses* Things about my "best friend" Hardbody Harris. You see, all week people everywhere have been coming up to me. People in hotels. People when I'm eating out in restaurants. People coming up to me in the airport. People coming up to me when I'm trying to take a piss. And everyone has the same goddamned single-minded question: "Why, Chris, why? Why did you do it? Why did you turn on Hardbody Harris? Why did you betray your best friend forever?" And the simple answer is this: That son of a bitch deserved it. He deserved everything I gave to him last week, and more. He shouldn't be crying about my so-called betrayal, he should be thanking God every hour on the hour that his belt and his dignity are the ONLY things I took away from him. See, there's this common misconception that Hardbody Harris and I were best friends forever, but that's a bald faced LIE. See, I WAS Hardbody Harris's best friend, but to him, I was nothing more than a stepping stone; someone for him to use and subtly abuse on his way to the top. And like some kind of idiot, I blindly crouched down and lifted him to the top the entire way, never comprehending that I was being played for a fool until Chris Cole and Firechild sat down with me and showed me that everything I did for Harris went unnoticed and unappreciated. I sacrificed my intercontinental title for that ungrateful bastard, and do you think I got so much as a "thanks for your time"? I got SHIT from Hardbody Harris, that's what I got. Hardbody Harris rode MY coattails all the way to the top, and what did he get? He got the title, the fame, the glory, and the money. What did I get? I got to play second fiddle to a guy who would be living in the gutter talking to a cartoon mouse if it wasn't for me. I got to live in the shadow of a guy whose success I had created. And I didn't ever let it get to me, because I thought Harris was truly my friend. And then he takes the belt and has the audacity to turn it into that god-awful INSULT to every athlete that dreams his entire life of holding that championship, he turns it into an eyesore and a mockery of what a championship belt is supposed to be, and still I say nothing. And all of a sudden, Harris has the title and I don't get as much as a phone call, not so much as a "hey buddy, I've been really busy but thanks for always being in my corner", and still I say nothing because unlike Harris I am a true friend. And then I notice that Harris, our great and wonderful hero of a champion, is barely showing up every week in time to defend his belt, and then leaving without a word to anyone. So what, not only do you sever your friendship with me upon winning that belt, but now you can't even be bothered to give 6 seconds of your precious time to cut a promo for these jack off fans that for some reason adore you? And STILL, I said nothing. But then when I won the OOWF Invitational this spring, and I came to Hardbody for a shot at his title, and he cheated to win and started dodging my requests for a rematch, that's when it all started to click. Hardbody Harris, you are nothing. You are a user, and a coward. You never deserved my friendship and you were barely worth the time and energy it took me to destroy you last week. So why don't you pick up the remaining shred of dignity you have left and take your little mouse and run home and never look back to what you could have been if you'd have never turned your back on me, because I promise you that if you cross my line of sight again that this time, I will not be nearly as generous to you as I was last week.
FC: You know Altrageous, it's funny you should say that Harris should pack up and leave. The buzz on the street is that we messed Harris up so bad last week that he put his notice in and tonight is his last night with the company.
A: Is that what they say?
CC: I always knew Harris was a coward, and I always knew 3 Piece Set would run him out of this business one day. Go on Harris... maybe you can apply for a job with McMahon, I'm sure he'd be happy to make you a gay stripper or something and you'd be right at home with all the other talentless lumps.
FC: But now, if we can get back to your birthday, Altrageous, Chris and I got you a few gifts.
A: I- what- for me? You guys shouldn't have!
FC: My gift first. See, I know you, and I know you have an insatiable taste for beautiful women, and I figured well hell, I could get you a 12 pack of beer, or I could get you two gorgeous valets to call your very own. So Sugar, Spice, bring your fine little asses out here and introduce yourselves to your new man.
*The 3PS theme hits again as two hot brunettes- one with curly hair dressed in black, the other with straight hair dressed in white- come into the ring. Panty shots abound as they enter*
A: Oh! Oh, man, this is great! Harris would have given me a signed copy of his Best Of DVD or something, but Firechild gets me two concubines? Oh, man... this is the best birthday I've ever had!
*S&S nuzzle up to A as CC takes FC's mic*
CC: And we aren't even done yet, buddy... See, I wanted to get you something great, too. And I know how bad you wanted this belt, and now that you're a member of the Set and thus won't be coming after it, I hate to see all that effort go wasted. So I wanted you to have a little- trophy, if you will. Something for you to know all that trouble wasn't for naught. <Cole takes the TRIK’D OWT TYTLE! Off his shoulder and hands it to Alt> I want you to have this belt. This is the very embodiment of Harris. I think he cared more about this belt than he did about being the champion. But you, you took it away from him. I may be the champion, but this belt belongs to you. This signifies that you destroyed Hardbody Harris.
A: FOR ME?
<Altrageous takes the title and climbs to the top rope and holds it for all the audience to see, drawing more boos, which hardly seems possible. He drapes the title across his shoulder and climbs down, a confident, smug look on his face>
CC: Now, that leaves me feeling a little bit naked out here. And since I AM the champion, I deserve to have a belt that signifies the dignity I bring to this title, not like that piece of tricked out crap Harris had. So please, Rick, if you will.
*The Rick's music hits, and a very disgusted looking Rick comes to the ring carrying a brand new shiny title. The Rick climbs in the ring and glares at 3Piece Set, especially Alt, he grabs a mic and begins to speak:
GMtR: You know, what you three have done is perhaps the most disgusting display I have…..
CC: <getting in Rick’s face> When the champ wants your opinion, he will give it to you. Now do your job.
GMtR:<Glaring at Cole and speaking through clenched teeth> On behalf of OOWF management, we would like to present you, Chris Cole, with this brand new OOWF World Heavyweight Championship. Congratulations on your accomplishments.
<Cole snatches the title from Rick and holds it high, then slings it over his shoulder and looks at GM the Rick who is seething with anger>
CC: Ok Rick, you may leave now.
<GM the Rick just stands in the ring staring at 3Piece Set>
CC: <Cole gets right in Rick’s face> MAYBE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME, I SAID GET THE HELL OUT OF MY RING, NOW!
*TR starts to leave the ring, then turns around*
TR: You know, "Altrageous". Just for the record, I think you're the biggest backstabbing son of a bitch I've ever seen.
A: Rick- nobody gives a shit what you think. So why don't you carry your sorry ass back to that hole you call an office and drink yourself stupid so you won't think about your miserable failure of a life before you make a bigger public jackass out of yourself?
*TR shakes his head and walks back to the dressing room as 3PS jeers at him. Before TR makes it all the way to the back, several stage hands bring out an enormous cake and leave it outside the ring*
A: What? And strippers now, too? You guys are too much, you know that? This is the BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER. EVER!
CC: That- that's not from us.
A: Hmm... who's it from?
*Sugar and Spice slide out of the ring and talk to the stagehands, who hand one of them a piece of paper. S&S reenter the ring and hand the paper to A*
A: It says "from some of the boys. Happy birthday". That's nice... I guess more people hated Harris than we all thought.
*A slides out of the ring and stands in front of the cake*
A: C'mon out of there, hon... I think everyone is good and ready to see some titties.
*nothing*
A: Come on, now... don't be shy. This show is aired on a 7 second-delay, the censors will edit out your naughty bits.
*nothing*
A: Come on baby... am I going to have to go in there for you? Come on out to Daddy Altrageous.
*Suddenly, Capellan pops out of the cake. A stares at him in shock as a cake and frosting covered C nails A with a flurry of fists. CC and FC slide out of the ring to help, but slip in the cake mess and fall on their asses. C hits A with a huge DDT and retreats up the ramp as the crowd goes insane!*JIM JONES vs. “RAVASHING” CURT ANDERSONJim Jones is making his OOWF debut tonight and he is facing the Minnesota Championship Wrestling Champion “Ravishing” Curt Anderson. Jones comes to the ring in very plain attire, boots, tights and a jacket, folks this is wrestling, not a costume ball. Jones offers his hand to Anderson but Anderson just sneers at him and waves him off. Referee Angel Barros calls for the bell and this one is underway. The two men circle, collar and elbow tie up, Anderson backs Jones into the corner, Barros calls for a clean break, Jones immediately breaks the hold, of course Anderson gets in a open hand slap to the chest. Jones protests, but Barros orders them back to the center of the ring. Collar and elbow again, Jones grabs a side headlock, Anderson shoots him to the ropes, Jones knocks Anderson down with a shoulder block, then hits the ropes again, Anderson stays down and Jones leaps over him and hits the far ropes. Anderson attempts a leap frog but Jones catches him in the air and delivers an inverted atomic drop. As Anderson dances in pain, Jones grabs him again and delivers a regular atomic drop that sends Anderson over the top rope to the floor. Anderson slides back in and gets in the referee’s face. Jones walks up to diffuse the situation and Anderson nails him with a bolo punch to the side of the head. Jones hits the mat, Anderson falls on him and gets a fast two count. Anderson gets to his feet and puts the boots to Jones. He pulls him to his feet and sends him to the ropes and takes him down with a hard lariat. The match continues back and forth, Anderson gets several near falls, but Jones fights out of it. The turning point comes when Anderson scoops Jones and slams him on the mat. Anderson climbs to the top rope and leaps, but Jones is able to get a boot up. Anderson staggers around the ring clutching his jaw. Jones gets to his feet and falls into the corner, Anderson charges, but Jones moves out of the way and Anderson slams chest first into the corner. As he rebounds, Jones scoops Anderson up, walks around the ring for a moment then plants him on the mat. Jones hits the ropes and leaps in the air and drops a big knee across Anderson’s chest, covers, hooks the leg and gets a three count. WINNER in 9:27 Jim Jones AX-MAN vs. SERAPHJunior Hale is YOUR referee! Stare down to start. Seraph seems completely unimpressed with his opponent and stands neutral. Ax slaps Seraph to motivate him; Seraph responds quickly with a devastating clothesline! Seraph hauls Ax to his feet, Ax does a standing switch and the two end up MAT RASSLIN for a couple of minutes, ending with Ax's arm in a key lock. Seraph methodically works the arm, twisting it a couple of different ways before Ax tumbles out of the arm wringer to reverse it. Ax snags the other arm and floors Seraph with a cross arm backbreaker. Cover only gets two. Ax hauls Seraph to his feet and slings him for the ropes. Clothesline attempt ducked, both hit the ropes opposite each other then catch each other in the center of the ring with clotheslines. Ref starts a 10 count, Seraph to his feet at four. Ax is still getting his bearings when Seraph gets in front of him and palms his face for the PROPITATION! Ax flails in a panic, but before Seraph can complete the move he sees Thim Reynolds marching to the ring. Junior Hale sees him too and tries to stop Thim from entering the ring. Thim snarls at Hale and pie faces him aside - long enough to walk up to Seraph and punch him the F out! Hale calls for the bell before anyone else gets hurt. WINNER BY DQ in 4:34 Ax-Man After the match, Thim turns back to Hale and hauls him to his feet. The crowd starts chanting "Thim's gonna kill you" as Thim takes Hale and.... well, let's go to commercial. UNDERDAWG vs. KANE EYNEThey're giving this away on free TV?? Stare down of EPIC proportions to start, and KE wants a test of strength... so Dawg just drops him with a right hand. UD goes bonkers on him with lefts and rights until Seeay hops up on the apron. UD goes after him, but Seeay drops to the floor, and the diversion allows Kane Eyne to take UD down from behind. KE stomps away, but UD grabs his foot and twists him into a heel hook! Kane Eyne makes the ropes and rolls to the floor to buy some time. But UD follows out and clotheslines KE into the crowd as Espy Seeay yells into the camera: "DAMN YOU, UNDERDAWG!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!" Hip toss back to ringside and UD beats on KE all around the ring. Back on the apron, but UD misses the leg drop on the apron and falls out to the floor, and Seeay hits him with his shoe. That just pisses Dawg off, and UD gives chase. However, Seeay dropped something upon taking off, and Kane Eyne picks it up. UD gives chase thru the ring, and KE cuts him off with the ETHER SOAKED RAG~! But UD no-sells that and choke slams him. "May 19th THAT, bitch!" UD calls for the FIREPLUG DRIVER, but before he can finish killing his little brother, Espy Seeay hops back up on the apron. UD grabs him by the collar, but then Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster hit the ring to try and save their meal ticket. But of course they stop before entering the ring, letting Simmons and Abdullah try their hands first. LAST RIDE for Simmons! And Abby gets his fork knocked from his hand and UD GIVES ABBY THE FIREPLUG DRIVER~! Johnny and AA drag Kane Eyne from the ring and the three of them, along with Espy Seeay back their way up the aisle. Never heard a bell, but we're under the assumption that Dawg is our winner. WINNER by DQ in 5:46: UNDERDAWG OOWF Intercontinental Title Tournament – Round 1[/u] SRIRAM vs. FIRECHILDFirechild is taking on Sriram tonight, in a rematch from Midweek Mayhem March 29th from Pszczyna, Poland. Both men circle each other warily. They make as if to go in for a lock-up, but Firechild quickly jumps back. Sriram glares at him. Firechild smirks, and feints in again. Once more Sriram falls for it. Sriram looks ticked now. Firechild taps his head, indicating that he has more intelligence than Sriram. Sriram glares and charges! Firechild looks scared and backs away, but it was a feint from Sriram, and now it's his turn to laugh. Firechild is not pleased. Ross: "enough of this psychology crap! Just freakin' wrestle!". Both men circle each other, finally Sriram charges. Firechild isn't falling for it this time, which is too bad because Sriram wasn't faking and took down FC with the single-leg takedown. Sriram grabs FC's arm, spins and grapevines it into a cross-arm lock, showing that he means business. Firechild has a grimace on his face, he finally fights his way out of the submission. Both men up, facing each other. Firechild tries a spinning kick, but Sriram grabs the leg, dragon screws, and jackknifes into a pinning predicament (what a cool phrase) for one. Firechild kicks out, the force sends Sriram to the ropes, Firechild chops him on the rebound. Firechild hits the ropes himself, rebounds, but Sriram hits one of those knee things that sort of flips the guy over as the guy collides with his knee. Sriram grabs his arm to apply a submission of some sort, but Firechild small packages him. Sriram kicks out after one. (Ross: "absolutely compelling stuff here". Razz: "huh?". Ross: "I meant to say, it's compelling how much of a hoss Firechild is".) Razz slowly slides his chair away as Sriram crushes Firechild with a brutal reverse vertical suplex. Pin gets two. Sriram sends Firechild to the ropes and hits a back drop driver for another two count. Firechild staggers to the corner. Sriram charges in with a shoulder attack, but Firechild moves and Sriram hits the UNFORGIVING STEEL POST~! That had to hurt, because the OOWF selects only the finest steel for use in OOWF wrestling turnbuckles. The OOWF: "Using steel ring turnbuckles that really hurt when you hit one with your shoulder since '04". Anyways, Sriram is in serious pain here. Firechild capitalizes by applying a seated arm bar. Over the next few minutes, Firechild works the shoulder and arm of Sriram, either with stomps or holds. Finally Firechild calls for the Wings of Phoenix. Sriram manages to flip him over and land on him. This gets a two count. Firechild is dazed, Sriram pulls him up, belly to belly overhead suplex! Ouch! Gavin Hale begins the ten count. Firechild gets to his feet first. He sees that Sriram isn't moving, and heads to the apron. He climbs the ropes, and waits for Sriram to get up. Sriram slowly gets to his feet, and Firechild leaps off with a flying lariat! But Sriram ducks! Rocker Dropper! Sriram picks up Firechild, Red Fort! Sriram now locks on the brutal Citizen Erased submission hold and Firechild is forced to tap out. WINNER via submission in 17:04 - Sriram THIM REYNOLDS vs. JOSH O’NEALThim and Josh make it out to the ring and square up nose to nose in the center, well, kinda, what with Josh being nearly 6 inches taller than Thim. Both of these guys really mean business tonight and you can see that written all over their faces. The ref calls for the bell and we're off. The pair circle the ring watching each other carefully, neither seemingly wanting to make the first move. After a couple of turns Thim leans through the ropes to trade insults with a particularly vocal fan at ringside and Josh chooses this moment to head in for the attack. Unfortunately for Josh the OOWF have got the full OOWFTron setup tonight and Thim actually sees Josh charging up behind him in it. Josh meets nothing but a nicely timed back elbow from Thim and then receives a painful looking clothesline to the back of the head as he spins away. Thim is immediately on full speed ground attract, keeping Josh down and negating some of his power. Thim manages to lock in a couple of holds, a simple key lock here, an arm bar there, but nothing that he's really able to get synched in and certainly nothing that's going to make Josh tap. As the sequence has been moving on Josh has managed to get himself just about close enough to the ropes to grab hold and force the break. Back to his feet Josh looks in some discomfort but decides that he's not going off his feet again so this time heads straight in with some clubbing power moves. Thim tries to move out of the way but Josh is quicker than his size would let you believe and he gets caught with neck breaker as he tries to come out of the corner. Josh drops a stiff elbow and goes for a quick cover which the ref counts one, two, three!!! WTF!! Thim was unable to kick out and as we get the shot on the OOWFTron from the other direction we can se why . . . as Thim went down Seraph appeared out from underneath the ring and, out of sight of the ref, was holding Thims legs preventing the kick out!! WINNER in 12:04 Josh O’Neal Seraph stands next to the ring with an emotionless calm, but ever so slightly amused, look on his face while Josh celebrates in the ring and Thim argues with the ref . . . <”Master of Puppets” begins and the NEW OOWF World Heavyweight Champion “The Main Event” Chris Cole appears on the entrance ramp. He is in his wrestling attire and wears the OOWF World Title around his waist. He does his trademark air guitar at the top of the ramp and then points proudly to the gold around his waist. He walks smugly down the ramp and stops at the fans that are really vocal in their boos to show off the Title belt. Cole walks over to the ring announcer and grabs the mic from his hand and then rolls into the ring. He soaks in the boos for a bit longer.
Cole: Cut my music!!! Everybody in this arena needs to get on their feet and cheer for your NEW OOWF World Heavyweight Champion!
Crowd: BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO
Cole: Last week your precious hero Hardbody Harris was brutally beaten by the superior wrestler. I’ve been telling you people for two years that “The Main Event” was the best in this business and now I have the World Championship to prove it.
Crowd: Ass-hole, Ass-hole
Cole: Last week was also very important for another reason. It was the rebirth of the Three Piece Set. You see 3 Piece Set has been the greatest faction in OOWF History but for the last few months I’ll admit we were in a bit of a drought. You people thought we were washed up, that we were old news. Well you thought wrong. Firechild is better then ever and will continue to be one of the greatest wrestlers in this industry. I think this title belt says everything you need to know about Chris Cole. I’m the best…..period. And of course your former Golden Boy Chris Alt is now the Booze Drinking, Skirt Chasing, Ass Kicking, Rock & Rolling Superstar Altrageous. 3 Piece Set has NEVER been stronger and we are putting everybody in the OOWF on notice. We run this show. We sell out arena all over the country. I want to start off this new era by showing you how much this Title means to me. You see this is called a World Championship for a reason. I am the best in the World. I have a very special match lined up tonight. I have flown my opponent in all expenses paid to give him the opportunity to win the World Title. I put him on a First Class seat and paid for the best hotel room in Thief River Falls. It happens to be that the Motel 6 is your best hotel in this dump of a town but he’ll fell right at home because my first opponent is none other then the World Famous Masked Mexican Champion, Burrito Supremo!!!!
(A masked man walks out and it is apparent to everybody in the arena that the masked man is Firechild. He struts to the ring and meekly takes the mic from Cole.
BS (FC): Me Gusta Taco. Me Gusta Burrito.
Cole: Are you ready to challenge for the OOWF World Title?
BS (FC): Si, Si
Cole: You guys are so lucky that I’m a fighting Champion. You are going to be treated to a Five Star Classic Tonight. Sterling Glaw, get your ass out here and start this match now.ERIC O’MAC vs. NILES ANDERSONNiles enters the arena first, drinking in the jeers of the fans. Once he’s in the ring, Eric O’Mac comes out, accompanied by an entourage of agents and photographers. Eric stops every couple of steps and poses for the cameras. At ringside, he poses holding an infant (while security tries desperately to keep its mother from attacking). The more time Eric wastes, the more upset Niles gets, until Niles is pacing the ring, as jittery as a jun- shouldn’t have said that, Should not have said that. Finally, EOM gets in the ring. Just before locking up, he slides out to the floor for one last photo. This time, it’s too much for Niles, who grabs EOM by the hair and drags him into the ring. Niles slugs away, pushing EOM against the ropes. Niles with an Irish whip attempt, but EOM reverses, leapfrogging Niles on the way back and hitting a beautiful dropkick on the next pass. EOM takes over, keeping Niles off balance with an array of acrobatic moves. Eric’s ego gets the best of him, however, and he spends a little too much time posing between moves, allowing Niles to spring up during an attempted rolling thunder and nail a sick spine buster. Niles immediately goes for the precision incision, but EOM kicks him off. EOM gets to his feet, only to eat a lariat. EOM rolls out of the way of an elbow, gets to his feet first, and hits a knee to the face as Niles sits up. EOM picks Niles up and tosses him into the corner. Unfortunately, Referee Junior Hale moves a little too slow and gets trapped in the corner as well. Niles drops out of the ring, avoiding an attempted enzugiri that instead destroys Junior. EOM looks at Junior, shrugs, and vaults out of the ring after Niles. Niles hit an upper nut that staggers his opponent, then proceeds to toss EOM into any steel object he can find. Niles goes to the well once too often, however, and EOM reverses, tossing him into the corner of the railing. After a few kicks to the head, EOM tosses Niles into the ring and grabs a nearby garbage can – complete with full color EOM, OOWF and manufacturer logos. (Coming soon to the OOWF merchandise stand: the OOfficial EOM Garbage Can - Reserve yours today.). After propping Niles in the corner, EOM wedges the can into the ropes in front of him. EOM scales the opposite turnbuckles and pauses to strike a pose for his photographers. EOM leaps – and gets pasted in the face with the garbage can. Niles tosses the can to the outside and kicks Junior before making the cover. One…Two…Three. Winner, in 27:16, Niles Anderson. CAPELLAN vs. ALTRAGEOUSCapellan enters first and comes alone. Alt comes out next and he is flanked by his fellow 3 Piece Set Members; Firechild & the OOWF World Heavyweight Champion Chris Cole. Alt takes his time getting to the ring. All 3 members of the Set are really getting into it with the crowd and Alt seems to be loving his new “bad boy” attitude. Finally Alt steps into the ring and Cap charges in and the fight is one before Alt can even get his $500 shirt off. Cap hits him with a Stinger Splash in the corner and follows up with a picture perfect dropkick. Alt rolls to the outside as Firechild checks on him. Cole is up on the apron arguing with Referee Mel Creech. Finally order is restored and Alt climbs back in the ring. Alt and Cap tie up. Cap takes advantage with an arm bar and then jumps up and catches Alt in a crucifix pin for a two count. Cap is right back on top with a dropkick to the mouth. Cap continues the punishment with rights and lefts. Irish whip and then Cap comes off the ropes with a flying forearm. Cap is feeling it. He goes against the ropes again but Cole pulls the top rope down and Cap crashes to the floor. Alt distracts the ref while Cole and Firechild stomp away on Cap and throw him back in the ring. Alt is now in control and he starts a methodical beat down on Cap. He is targeting Cap’s right knee. Alt stomps away on it and then lifts Cap up for a knee breaker. Alt drags Cap to the corner and wraps the leg around the ring post. Alt slowly gets back into the ring and then lifts Cap up. Cap swings but Alt backs up and Cap loses his balance and falls face first on the mat. All three members of the 3 Piece Set seem to enjoy that. Alt takes Caps knee and lifts him high in the air and slams it back to the mat. Alt then locks in an STF. Cap is struggling to reach the ropes. He gets within a few inches when Alt releases the hold and slams his forearm across Cap’s face. Then he drags Cap back to the center of the ring and reapplies the hold. Alt is really pulling back hard and is screaming “How do you like him now?” at the crowd. The crowd responds by starting a “W-C-W” chant. Cap looks like he is about to tap but instead manages to roll over and Creech starts the count 1, 2, Alt releases the hold just in time to kick out. Alt pulls Cap back up by his hurt leg Cap manages an enzugri with his good leg. The crowd is going wild. Cap gets back to his feet and limps over to Alt and starts hitting rights and lefts. Firechild climbs into the ring and Creech runs to keep him out. This allows Cole to sneak in carrying the OOWF World Title. Cole swings but Cap ducks and then hits a spin kick. The crowd really pops because JW Westgaard and Tommy Wilder are sprinting to ringside. Wilder pulls Firechild down from the apron and levels him. Westgaard and Cole start brawling on the outside. Back in the ring Cap is setting up Alt for a spin kick. Cap tries to deliver but Alt has the title belt and crushes Cap’s knee on the kick attempt. Cap crashes to the mat screaming and holding his knee while Creech calls for the bell. Alt rolls out with the belt and Cole & Firechild escape up the ramp as JW and TW check on Cap. Alt hands Cole the belt and 3 Piece Set walk to the back together happy with the way they left Cap lying in the ring. WINNER BY DQ AT 9:41 CAPELLAN KZ vs. DRINK & DESTROY – Barbed Wire MatchAs Drink & Destroy are being announced, Stank grabs his cell phone and makes one last desperate call to Lock, but he gets nothing. Stank mutters angrily to himself and tosses his phone aside. With a look of grim determination on his face, Stank marches to the ring. Moose and L.D. are all smiles on their way to the ring, perhaps knowing something we don't know. The ropes are wrapped with barbed wire, and Moose gives them a good inspection as Outkast's Stankonia hits signaling the arrival of their opponents. Only nobody shows from behind the curtain. The music plays again, and yet, no sign of Stank or Capslock. Williams orders Angelo Barros to begin a ten count, and he does so. However, Stank rushes the ring from the crowd with a barbed wired baseball bat! Stank hard times MHJ in the back of the head, then hits LDW in the gut with it, and follows up on the back! Stank kicks Moose away and hits him again with the bat. Stank sets the bat down and BACKDROPS Williams onto the barbed wire! But the time it took to do that allows a bloody Moose to spear Stank into the barbed wired ropes! Stank staggers back and Moose hits him with a DDT ON THE BARBED WIRE! Williams grabs the bat and grinds it into Stank's face, and we have a 2 on 1 assault. Suddenly, John O'Neal sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring and opens up on Moose. O'Neal kicks LDW off of Stank, then O'Neal clotheslines Moose OVER the top barbed wired rope! Power bomb for Williams, and Stank is to his feet. STANK-U~! But before he can drop LDW onto the bat, The Devil's Brigade hits the ring and goes to work on Stank and O'Neal. Tommy misses the LEFT HOOK, however, and Stank gives him the STANK-U~! Camby goes low on Stank, and he and O'Neal slug it out. Moose back in now, and the bad guys have the edge. But not to fear, because the Team From Down Under makes their way down and we have an eight man brawl between the barbed wired ropes! This match is quickly thrown out WINNER – No Contest As all eight men brawl in the ring, the cage is lowered for the cage match, folks it looks like we are going to have an impromptu eight man barbed wire cage match! THE TEAM FROM DOWN UNDER vs. THE DEVIL’S BRIGADE – Steel Cage MatchThe eight men continue to do battle, barely noticing the cage has been lowered. Stank is the first to notice it, knees Moose in the gut then throws him hard into the cage. As Jack falls he gets tangled in the wire, leaving several nasty gashes. Meanwhile Josh O’Neal has Camby on his knees pounding on him wit ha piece of barbed wire. Camby stops the onslaught with a low blow, and at the same time, Tommy O’Neil unleashes a running wicked left that turns O’Neal’s lights OUT! LD Williams is cornered by both members of The Team From Down Under, the stands ready to fight, and they feign darting in to get the advantage. Finally Williams lunges at OBJ and nails him wit ha good forearm to the side of the face, but when he turns to GatorBait, he eats a big boot. Gator pounces on Williams and drags him to the barbed wire and rakes it across his forehead. OBJ gets to his feet and turns, and EATS A SPEAR from Camby. Attacks Stank, who has been putting the boots to a bloody, still tangles MHJ, from behind. TO tries an Irish whip but Stank reverses it and catches TO in a bear hug. Tommy screams in pain, but Moose tears at the barbed wire and finally manages to free himself, and a few strands of the barbed wire. Jack grabs the wire and whips Stank across the back, Stank screams in pain, drops Tommy and turns to Jack, who hammers the big man to his knees with barbed wire shots to the head. Tommy recovers long enough to low blow Gator and get him off of LD Williams. Williams and O’Neil then run Gator face first into the steel. Tommy and LDW attack Stank, they hold him up while MHJ pulls OBJ off of Harper Camby and DDT’s OBJ to the mat. Camby gets a running start and SPEARS STANK THROUGH THE CAGE!!! The entire side of the cage breaks and Stank and Camby spill to the floor. The other six men stop for a moment to stare, but then quickly the brawl starts up again and spreads. Numerous referees get knocked out trying to stop the carnage, and finally they realize there is no controlling this one. Much like the barbed wire match before it, this one is waived off and called a no contest. WINNERS – No Contest CONCRETE TG vs. UNCLE ENTITY vs. FLY – OOWF Onslaught Championship MatchConcrete TG and Fly are already in the ring, and MINNESOTA’S referee is Sterling Glaw! The fans are at a near riot because of Fly’s five-minute music-video entrance, and Uncle Entity is at the top of the ramp complaining that he’s been shown up. Entity threatens to leave, and Glaw threatens to take his title from him. Entity threatens to shove his title up Glaw’s gluteus region, but that Glaw would probably enjoy it. That hits a raw nerve with the ref, so he calls for the bell and starts a fast 10-count on Entity. Entity can’t believe what’s happening and the count hits five before he sprints to the ring and dives in just as the count hits nine. Unfortunately for Entity, that gives Concrete and Fly the chance to meet him with some double-team stomping. Double whip to the ropes and a double flying elbow!! Entity bails from the ring, but Fly goes after him. Fly chases Entity around the ring twice before Entity rolls back into the ring. There he ends up face-to-face with Concrete. Reverse atomic drop! Series of punches! Flip Flop Fly Elbow! And a belly-to-belly suplex to finish off the champ. One, two but Entity kicks out! At the same moment, Fly was about to drop the knee on Concrete, and he’s caught by Concrete in mid-move with his leg in the air, who gives Fly the “What’s up?” look. Fly breaks into some impromptu dancing, trying to show Concrete he wasn’t trying to break up the pin. Concrete waves it off and suggests more double teaming. Hard whip into the corner, and Concrete gets down on hands and knees. Fly races across the ring, steps on Concrete and sails onto Entity. Fly digs it so much that he tries to convince Concrete to do it again. Concrete’s wary but gives in. Fly takes the leap, but this time Entity moves and Fly sails over the top rope and out of the ring. Concrete gives an “Oh well” look, then continues the beat down of Entity. Concrete twice gets two counts on Entity, and the second time Entity just got his foot on the ropes. Concrete whip to the ropes, Entity comes off—SLEEPER on Entity! Entity is going down fast, but gets back to his feet and staggers backward to the ropes. Fly is just making his way back to the apron, and he and Concrete bash heads as Entity struggled for the ropes. Fly falls back to the floor, but now Entity realizes he has an edge. Concrete is busted open, so Entity works on the cut with vicious forearm smashes. Snap mare, Entity backs into the ropes and thumps Concrete with a driving knee. That gets a two-count. Entity calls for the Brain buster, and gets Concrete in the air. But Fly is on the top rope and nails Entity with a dropkick to the head! Entity drops Concrete, who lands on Fly, and all three men are a train wreck in the middle of the ring! Glaw can’t believe the carnage of these damn new fangled matches and starts a 10-count. At five Fly starts to stir and stares at the damage. Fly crawls over to Entity and covers him. One, two, thr…NO! Entity gets the shoulder up. Fly leaps over to Concrete. One, two, thr…NO! Concrete gets the shoulder up. Fly nails a leaping leg drop on Entity for a two-count. Concrete staggers to his feet, but Fly remedies that with a flying leg clothesline. But again it’s only worth a two-count. Fly whips Concrete into the ropes, leapfrogs Concrete on the way back. Concrete goes to the other side, but Entity is using the ropes to pick himself up and Concrete flies over the top rope onto the floor. Fly sees that and charges Entity. Clothesline over the top rope! Somehow Fly hung onto the top rope with his other hand and tries to skin the cat, but Concrete sees that and drives a shoulder into Fly’s exposed ribs. All three men are out of the ring and Glaw starts a count. Entity tries to slam Concrete’s head into the ring steps, but Concrete blocks and tries to slam Entity’s head into the steps. Entity blocks, and before that gets any further Fly leaps from the apron with the FLAVA DROP! Again, all three men are decimated on the floor. Glaw’s count reaches 10 and he calls for the bell. At 12:47, this match has been ruled NO CONTEST. NAYR & MATT DADDY vs. THE CHICKENSHIT HEELS – wCw Special refereesJohnny and AA climb in the ring and immediately begin to argue with wCw. Johnny and AA throw their hands up and begin to leave the ring, but their escape is blocked by Westgaard and a hockey stick. They turn around to head back to the ring and Nayr charges, leaps over the top rope and takes both Chickenshit Heels down with a suicide plancha. Nayr and Matt hammer away on TCH with closed fist punches, but Tommy and JW don’t notice as they seem to be plotting strategy on how to call the match. Meanwhile Matt whips AA toward Nayr, he drop toe holds AA and sends him face first into the steel steps. While Nayr is on the floor, Johnny drops an elbow on him, but when he gets to his feet he turns toward Matt, and gets a big boot to the face. Matt rolls Johnny into the ring and this is finally an official match. Matt covers and Tommy makes a lightning fast two count, somehow Johnny kicks out. Johnny leaps to his feet and gets in Wilder’s face and screams at him, so Matt rolls him up from behind in a school boy and gets another lightning fast two count. This time Matt backs Johnny into the face corner and tags in Nayr and they double team him, blistering Johnny’s chest with chops. Wilder walks across the ring where AA is finally on the apron and admonishes him for not holding on to the tag rope. AA is furious and screams for Wilder to turn around. Now Matt and Nayr have Johnny going back and forth eating shots to the jaw. AA is livid, but Wilder refuses to turn around until AA grabs the rope. Finally AA grabs it, Wilder starts to turn around, then kneels down to tie his boot – which wasn’t untied in the first place. With Wilder turned around Johnny finally frees himself from the beating by low blowing Matt Daddy, who had just been tagged back into the match. This brings a warning from Westgaard on the outside. As Johnny, Westgaard and Wilder argue this gives MD time to recover. MD goozles Johnny and lifts him for a choke slam, then drops him across his knee and tags in Nayr, who leaps from the top rope and drops a leg across Johnny’s throat. Nayr covers and gets a speedy two count, this time AA comes in the ring and breaks it up, which brings in JWW from the outside. He grabs AA by the head and launches him between the ropes to the floor. MD pulls Johnny up and whips him to the ropes, but Johnny reveres the whip and sends Matt Daddy to the ropes and takes him down with a nasty lariat. Nayr comes in the ring to break up the pin attempt. Attitude Adjuster slides back into the ring to stop Nayr and a brawl ensues. Nayr hits Johnny with a spinning heel kick and climbs to the top rope for a moonsault DDT. Attitude Adjuster hits the ropes and crotches Nayr on the top. Referee Tommy Wilder tries to restore order and orders AA out of the ring. With Nayr trapped in the corner, Johnny grabs Matt Daddy and throws him over the top rope to the floor. Attitude Adjuster jumps off the apron and goes after MD, but as he rounds the corner he eats a Cross Check from Westgaard. Inside the ring, Johnny charges at Nayr, but Wilder pulls Nayr out of the corner, Johnny crashes in to the corner, Nayr recovers, leaps on Johnny’s shoulders and rolls him up in a victory roll! 1…2…3!!!! NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!! WINNERS in 22:09 and NEW OOWF World Tag Team Champions – Nayr the Halfling Luchadore and Matt Daddy After the match Matt and Nayr celebrate with wCw and the Chickenshit Heels are livid in the ring. They try to plead their case to the fans but they chant “NA-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey hey hey gooood-bye!” TCH storm to the back while the celebration continues in the ring. CHRIS COLE vs. BURRITO SUPREMOCole and BS lock up. Cole weakly shoves BS back and BS sells it like he was shot out of a cannon. Cole walks to the side and flexes his muscles. They lock up again and Cole again shoves BS back and he sells like a champ. BS gets back to his feet and Cole throws a right hand that clearly misses. BS sells that one too. The crowd is really booing this obvious charade. Cole applies a weak side headlock and BS screams in Spanglish like he is being murdered. Cole drags BS up and picks him up and places him on the ground in what was supposed to be a body slam. Cole then locks him in the Texas Cloverleaf and BS taps out even before he is totally turned. Cole releases the hold and grabs his OOWF World Title, jumps on the turnbuckle and celebrates. WINNER IN 2:41 CHRIS COLE CC: Hey Taco Bel Grande. Take your little raft and float home amigo. You are the first victim in my long title reign. You can tell your 4,000 grandchildren about how you wrestled the greatest World Champion in the history of this business. Now scram. CC: You better get used to seeing this Title around my waist because it is going to be there for a long, long time. “Master of Puppets” begins again and Cole slowly makes his way back up the ramp loving every second of being the World Champ. <We cut to the back where a clearly irritated GM the Rick is sitting at his desk muttering something to himself while watching Chris Cole’s promo. Just then the door bursts open and Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster burst in, followed by a well dressed man.
GMtR: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!!!
JA:<seething> This is not about we want, this is about what YOU are going to do!
GMtR: Oh really, and just what is that? What right do former champions have coming in here and making demands?
JA: WE ARE NOT FORMER CHAMPIONS! THEY CHEATED! YOU SAW IT!!
GMtR: All I saw was your ass getting pinned for three
JA::DAMMIT CAPPS GET HIM!!!
<AA lunges toward GM the Rick and tries to put him in the claw, the well dressed man steps in between them>
WDM: Gentlemen. There is no need to resort to violence, I am sure we can sort this out like civilized adults
GMtR: And who the fuck are you?
WDM: Mr. Rick, I am Angus Cheatum from the law firm Dewey, Chetum & Howe. It has been brought to my attention by my clients that a great travesty has befallen them tonight, and I am simply here to rectify the situation.
GMtR: They lost the titles, pinned one, two, three in the middle of the ring, there is nothing to rectify.
AC: Ah, Mr. Rick, I ask you a simple question, in a tag match, if the legal man is pinned, the tag titles can change hands correct?
GMtR: Yea…
AC: Yes of course they can. So Am I then to infer, that if the man, in said tag match who is NOT the legal man involved in the match were to make the pin on the member of the opposing team that is legal at the time, the pin fall would then be null an void
GMtR: Well, I suppose…
AC: Again, I will answer, according to OOWF bylaws, paragraph 14, section 3, clause c.2 I will read the following: in a contest consisting of more than two (2) men, the legal, binding pin fall, and thus the binding conclusion of the match, can only occur between the two men who are legal in the match at the time the pin fall occurred.
GMtR: What is your point?
AC: My point is, Rick, that if you re-watch the match, Nayr was not the legal man in the match, Matt Daddy was the legal man for that team. Therefore when Tommy Wilder made the three count, since Nayr was NOT the legal man, the pin fall is rendered null and void. Therefore my clients remain the tag team champions.
GMtR: Bullshit
AC: The proof is clearly here on the tape, look for yourself
<the men re-watch the tag match. Rick shakes his head when he sees the indisputable evidence>
GMtR: Fine. <Rick asks his secretary Erlana to summon Nayr and Matt Daddy, they show up soaked in champagne and still celebrating their victory>
Nayr: You wanted to see us boss…oh what are these chumps doing here
GMtR: Guys, I have some bad news, I have to take those tag titles from you
MD: WHAT? WHY?
GMtR: Cause it seems like there was a mistake in the match, Nayr was not the legal man when Tommy counted the pin, you were Matt. Since Nayr wasn’t legal, the pin fall doesn’t count, and I have no choice but to return the titles to Adrenaline and AA.
<Matt and Nayr reluctantly hand their titles to Rick, but Johnny and AA snatch them from their hands and begin celebrating as they flee Rick’s office. Matt and Nayr look dejected>
GMtR: Sorry boys, that was a hell of a match
<Matt and Nayr leave, clearly disappointed>
AC: And Rick, I expect this title change, and the match result to be expunged from my clients record. As far as we are concerned, this match never happened. Good day sir. An eerie silence comes over the crowd as the arena seems to be buzzing with an air of anticipation. The quiet holds on for a few moments longer than expected, but this serves to build the suspense. Finally, the moment arrives. “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling” rocks across the arena and everyone in the crowd expects a raucous, fired-up Hardbody Harris to take action. Instead, a sullen, humped over figure, heavily bandaged and bruised, methodically comes down the ramp: no pomp, no circumstance, and with none of his trademark vivacity. He takes so long to get to the ring that the Righteous Brothers are done by the time he starts up the steps. Finally, with mic in hand, Hardbody Harris looks up. The crowd chants his name, but he doesn’t acknowledge it, let alone revel in it. It dies down enough for him to speak. Hardbody: I’ve been here for almost two years now, and I’ve fought a lot of battles. Underdawg, Donovan Viper, Microplay, Beast, The Chickenshit Heels, The Speciman, 3 Piece Set, the list goes on and on. My toughest opponent had always been one man, who also happened to be my BFF: Chris Alt.
*Harris is interrupted by a loud chorus of boos at the mention of Alt.
Hardbody: I’ve fought him more than anyone, and it’s always been locked in friendship and civility. What’s more, I gave my heart, soul, and blood—yes, blood—to him, and it paid off well. I was the OOWF champion. I was the #1 Face in the OOWF. I had pink lemonade every day and kept in shape with long-ass bike rides. I had it all. But apparently Chris didn’t.
I shouldn’t be surprised. The writing was on the wall, and it was just a matter of time before this bond was broken. But it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make it right. And it doesn’t make me accept that it couldn’t have been prevented.
So Chris Cole has my title. And for all the talk I did, and for all the showing off I couldn’t rein in, it was never about the actual belt. Sure, the Satellite TV and Internet capabilities were a huge plus. I’ll never have bling like that again. But it was a belt. The symbol was what was vital: it meant that I was the best, that I’ve earned everything I have, and that my life was complete. I was whole.
When Alt crossed the line: not by physically hurting me but by breaking our friendship, I was about dead. But I do remember thinking about all the reasons I was there: why I was fighting for my championship with my best friend, why I was bleeding from all over, why, from the corner of my eye, I could see Cole and Alt celebrating together. It got me thinking.
So, today, I stand before you a man who is broken. All the love that I had in these trunks—no, not my penis, but my emotions, if you know what I mean—is gone, if I may quote my song. It’s been a rough two years. Hospital visits, out-of-body experiences, Chuck E. Cheese battles: there’s no rest for the weary.
Some of you may remember when I snapped last year and left for two months. That’s because I was frustrated with the fact that I couldn’t win the title. People said I lost my smile, but I came back and finally won it.
This time, though, I feel different. My surrogate son, Fievel, was kidnapped, causing me to lose my title to Moosehead Jack. My best friend turned on me. I don’t have any more heart to give. This time, I haven’t lost my smile: I’ve lost everything that makes me me.
So, OOWF fans, my Great Lakes, USA brethren, this is the last stop on the Hardbody Express. I care so much that I have to step back, or I’ll kill myself, Fievel, Alt, and everything else less I step from the abyss. You may see me again, but I wouldn’t count on it.
Thank you for everything. Keep your faith. I may no longer be the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF, but I’ll be fine just being a nobody who can wake up and know they’re going to be safe that day. You’ll understand someday. So as I leave, always remember: Hardbody loves ya. Goodbye.
*With that, Harris sets down the microphone and walks up the ramp. The crowd chants his name, but he keeps going. Before he steps through the curtain, he turns, gives one last wave, and disappears.<fade to black> Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Donnybrook in Donnybrook PPV, Live May 28th from Donnybrook, North Dakota! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF MidWeek Mayhem, May 24th, live from Riding Mountain, Manitoba!
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