OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 09-06-06

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Podunk, Michigan

Non-Title Match[/u]
Capellan vs. Chris Cole

Non-Title Match[/u]
Altrageous vs. UnderDawg

OOWF onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Thim Reynolds vs. Sriram

Special Event[/u]
Contract signing for Hell on Earth II between Altrageous and Capellan

kz & The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Team From Down Under & wCw
The Halfrican Americans vs. Drink & Destroy
Apocalyptic Existence vs. Ecosystem
The New Original New Classic Blackjacks 2000 vs. The Devil's Brigade
Uncle Entity vs. Blackdragon
Ax-Man vs. Canadian Dragon
Concrete TG vs. Firechild
Eric O'Mac vs. Seraph

card subject to plague of locusts

[mooseheadjack]

The Rick is sitting in his office, when there is a knock on the door.

The Rick replies loudly, WHAT!?!

JW Westgaard pokes his head in.

The Rick, with a look of relief on his face, replies "yeah sure"

TW: Hey boss, we just wanted to thank you for letting get our hand on Tubby and Adrenaline this week.

TheRick: But KZ is in on that mess too....

JW: Yeah, we know and those guys are some mean ass bastards, but we're teaming two seriously tough dudes ourselves, so I fgure KZ is at a disadvantage having to team with TWeedle-Dee and Tweedle-Chub.

TheRick replies "Whatever you say" looking quite puzzled, "it'll be a short comback if you guys aren't careful...."

TW: don't worry about us boss, We're back and we're crazier than ever...."

TheRick: Just one more thing.....Why are half of your medical waivers written in Chinese?

JW: We'll explain that soon enough.....Later boss

With that JW and Tommy walk out of TheRicks office.

[mooseheadjack]

The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 enter the ring, mics in hand, to a bathing of applause.


S- Hey there Podunk!

Applause

S- We have a problem.

FFC- We are a Stank & FF Capslock and there is one name that everybody knows us by and one name only: Drink and fucking Destroy!

Loud cheering

S- But we've lost our name do to circumstance and we thought we'd lost it forever...until now. I have, in my hand, a legal document demanding that we get our name back. So get our here, false Drink & Destroy, we got papers.

Drink & Destroy enter the arena and stay on the stage and are forcefully booed

SH- Listen, we don't need the approval of you hicks. We're here to discuss OUR name.

JO- You PUNKS can't have our goddamned NAME! Its OURS, FUCKERS!

SH- Settle down, Josh.

FFC- Hey! That's my line! Take our name all you want, but you do NOT steal lines from me!

SH- Shut the fuck up, Capslock.

FFC- You're going down!

S- Alright fellas I have an opprotunity for you.

SH- Nope. We own this name. You losers never trademarked it, we did. Its ours.

S- We aren't just asking you to hand it over. We want a match. Stank & FF Capslock vs. Spin Hansen & Josh O'Neal for the name Drink & Destroy at Hell On Earth!

SH- Hmmm, let me think...NO!

FFC- You son of a bitch! You'll take our match or I swear to God I'll tear your damn eyes out!

SH- Hey there Capslock. You be careful what you say to me. You better watch your ass, buddy.

FFC- STOP DOING THAT!

S- I wouldn't worry about it, Double F, they HAVE to take our match.

JO- We don't have to do SHIT!

S- Ah, but you do. Allow me to read this.

Based on the Legal Precident of Booker T vs. Big T for the name Harlem Heat, SuperBrawl February 20, 2000, the Supreme Court of the United States of America hearby declares that Spin Hansen and Josh O'Neal must face FF Capslock and Stank at Hell On Earth II with the winner to gain full and legal rights to the name Drink & Destroy.

Signed, Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Supreme Court Justice

So there you go.

SH- How the hell did you get that!?

S- I interned for Ms. Ginsburg in '92 when she was a Circuit Judge in the Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit. She owed me a favor. Now we have an official ruling from the woman they call BADER!

FFC- ITS TIME! ITS TIME! ITS...BADER TIME!

SH- I don't think you told me everything Josh, did this guy used to have a real job or something?

JO- I told you he was SMART!

SH- Yeah, that's the same thing. Thanks for the help there.

FFC- So what do you think of them apples, dingleberry?

SH- I'll find a way to overturn this!

JO- I can just TEAR that PAPER!

Stank- Rick, would you join us, please?

The jumbotron turns on and Rick's face is seen.

TR- Uh, let's see here. I'm not going against Ruth Bader Ginsburg. You got your match. Now LEAVE ME ALONE!

S- There you go, jerks. See you at Hell on Earth.

FFC- And as always, if you're not down with that, we got six words for ya!

TNOCNB2K- YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR ASS, BUDDY!

[mooseheadjack]

<MHJ is walking through the hallways when he is stopped by Crete>

CTG: Ok Moose, what the hell was that??

MHJ: What?

CTG: You know damn well what. Why the hell were you out there during my match?

MHJ: Crete, you know kz and Thim have an alliance with 3Piece Set, I was merely watching Firechild's back

CTG: BULL! Thats a crock and you know it! Until last night you never so much as lifted a finger to help them! <Grabbing Moose by the shirt> ANSWER ME!

MHJ: Fine Crete, you want an answer? You claim that I couldn't possibly survive an Onslaught match, so I came down to see what was so great about it. And what did I see? I saw you LOSE by countout. So, maybe you are right there Crete, this title proves that I don't lose matches by count out or otherwise, so I guess I CAN'T do what you do.

<with that Jack walks away and leaves Crete seething>

[mooseheadjack]

(Concrete is angrily pacing in his locker room, running a hand through his hair. Sabu is sitting next to LADDER, sipping a latte and watching CTG pace)

CTG: Moose had a hundred opportunities to clock me with that chair. He knows he wanted to do it, that excuse of backing Firechild was a crock of crap

Sabu: (shrugs, sips)

CTG: He brought a chair with him to the ring .... and SAT in it? Who does that anymore?

Sabu: (shakes head, sips)

CTG: I didn't lose that match, either, it was a double count out

Sabu: (shrugs again, sips)

CTG: Moose got in a verbal cheap shot, so he's not completely insane

Sabu: (nods, sips)

CTG: I get Firechild again this week. Maybe this time I can concentrate. Can you guys keep an eye on Moose for me?

Sabu: (Nods, pats LADDER)

CTG: Can you guys handle if Moose and the others try to crash the ring?

Sabu: (thinks a moment, nods)

CTG: Ok. I need to talk to The Rick about confirming Sterling Glaw for my match. I'll be back to help setup the Hardcore playground.

Sabu (as he gets up): Mixing up the media doesn't make this a clean opportunity. (walks out, LADDER in hand)

CTG: (stops, just watches Sabu go)

[mooseheadjack]

**Thim Reynolds and Moosehead Jack are in the locker room when L.D. Williams enters.**

TR <smirking>: “Seen the lineup yet?”

LD: “Yep.”

TR: “And?”

LD: “ No worries. It’s all good.”

MHJ: “It is?”

LD: “Yep.” <holds up a notebook> “I’m all set.”

MHJ: “What’s that?”

LD: “A notebook.”

MHJ: “I gathered that. What’s it for?”

LD: “Um…taking notes?”

MHJ: <sighs>“Williams, you don’t have a sense of humor. We get that. You don’t have to prove it to us.”

LD: “I’m serious Jack. Do you realize what a golden opportunity we have this week?”

MHJ: “Do tell.”

LD: “We’re teaming up with the PGA prince and the sultan of ‘-on a pole’. The luncheon lothario and the grandmaster of gambling. With wCw out for blood and the aussies in a place where looking at them sideways is considered suicidal behavior, this seems like the perfect time for kz to learn from the masters…”

MHJ: “…by parking ourselves outside the ring and taking notes.”

LD: “Bingo. We get a night off, and Tubby and the McIdiot get what they deserve.”

TR: “Moose, you have a very sick and twisted partner…congratulations.”

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline is seen in the Chickenshit Heel locker room eating a sandwich when Attitude Adjuster comes zooming thru the door.]

AA: Hey, I got… wait a minute.

JA: [takes a bite of sandwich, then talks with his mouth full] What?

AA: You’re not supposed to be the one eating.

JA: I was hungry.

AA: So? Can’t that wait til AFTER we do the promo?

JA: You never wait.

AA: That’s cause it’s part of the gimmick.

JA: Then why do you always have a second sandwich for AFTER the promo then?

AA: Johnny… it’s called living the gimmick.

JA: Obviously.

AA: Hey! What was I talking about?

JA: How am I supposed to know?

AA: Oh, I was saying… got the solution to our problems.

JA: You do?

AA: We’ve been getting the crap kicked out of us for the past few weeks, and it’s apparent that the Entourage has no desire to get physically involved in our matters.

JA: Yeah… and?

AA: And… we need a bodyguard.

JA: A bodyguard!

AA: Yeah, we’re chickenshit heels! We gotta have a bodyguard!

JA: Who ya got in mind?

AA: Get Big Bubba Rogers on the phone!

JA: Big Bubba? Bossman’s dead!

AA: I didn’t say anything about Bossman. Besides, Bossman just did a skit with is the other day.

JA: Never mind. You got anyone else in mind?

AA: Well…. Nobody.

JA: Some plan ya got there.

AA: Well, I was gonna run it by you first.

JA: Should we take out an ad in the Observer?

AA: No, we don’t need internet wannabes applying for the job.

JA: Um….how bout open tryouts?

AA: That’ll work.

[The scene cuts to an empty room somewhere in the arena. Johnny and AA are sitting in folding chairs, Johnny with a pencil and clipboard and AA with sandwich and beer.]

JA: First guy!

[Tyson Tomko walks into the room.]

JA: All right, Mr………… Tomko. What can you bring to the table?

TT: I’m a problem solver.

AA: Problem solver?

TT: Yeah, I solve problems.

JA: Can you solve this?

[Johnny writes a math problem on his pad of paper and holds it up six inches from Tomko’s face.]

TT: [talking to himself] Carry the 2, bring that down… 78.7.

AA: Was he right?

JA: Hell if I know…

AA: What else can ya do?

TT: I got a mean big boot.

JA: Show us.

[Johnny rolls out a mannequin dummy. Tomko give the boot to the dummy.]

AA: Not bad.

JA: Can you cut a promo?

TT: Uh… not really.

JA: We can work on that. You got a good look, the bald head, the tats, the thing on your face.

AA: We’ll be in touch.

[Tomko leaves.]

AA: Whatcha think?

JA: Kinda boring, I’d say.

AA: Me too. The boot wasn’t bad.

JA: It wasn’t good either. NEXT!

[Kevin Nash ducks under the doorway and strolls into the room.]

KN: I hear you guys are lookin’ for a bodyguard.

AA: That’s what it says on the door, right?

[Nash grabs AA’s beer.]

KN: Thanks.

AA: But I didn’t…

[Johnny elbows AA in the ribs.]

JA: Big Kev, didn’t know you were gonna be here.

KN: Well, I know everything there is to know about bodyguardin’.

AA: What do you know?

KN: Everything. Didn’t I say that?

JA: Yeah.

KN: I was a bodyguard back in the days when bodyguards were cool. When bodyguards sold out arenas cross the nation. There was this one show… ‘88 maybe… where we put about 50,000 people on the Omni in Atlanta. Headlined the show.

JA: A bodyguard was the main event?

KN: Hell no. But we had the top billing on the marquee. Everybody screaming my name at the top of their lungs. And it was that night that the champ - the guy I was workin’ for - stiffed me on the biggest payday I would’ve ever had.

AA: About $25?

KN: You kiddin…?

AA: [whispers to Johnny] He’s outta our price range.

KN: It’s okay though. He lost the title that night, then no-showed the rematch. Booker put me in the main event and the rest is history. It was all gravy from there. Potatoes, too. Man, I ate good. You wouldn’t believe it.

AA: We wouldn’t?

KN: The best oyster bars, the best steakhouses, you name it.

AA: Can you still…?

JA: How was business?

KN: Business was booming. We pulled $2 million gates up and down the east coast, a house show in Chicago did a 4.7 Nielsen rating, there was this one show…

JA: Kev, Kev, um… would you be able to bring these kind of results to our team here if we brought you on board?

KN: Absolutely.

AA: How is your big boot?

KN: Best in the business.

JA: [pushes dummy out to middle of room] You mind showing us?

[Nash sets the beer down, slowly stands up, and moves in for the boot. But as Nash lifts his leg, he collapses to the floor in pain.]

AA: Kev, Kev, you okay, man?

KN: It’s ok. Anytime I drink, the alcohol goes straight to my quad and numbs it.

JA: You sure you’re okay?

KN: [tries to stand up but falls back down] Yeah, I’m fine. Nothing a little coconut oil won’t fix. [groans] Something I learned when I was headlining in India. Had a Punjabi Prison Match against the Original Sheik in the soccer stadium in Bangladesh in front of 800,000 people.

AA: You’ve been in a Punjabi Prison Match?

KN: [holding his quad in pain] Oh yeah. It was my idea. That Khali guy ripped it off from me. Probably cause I stopped training him after three years. He begged me to take him back, but I got standards, ya know.

JA: You need some help, Kevin?

KN: No, I’m good. [crumples to the floor again] Damn, I gotta stop drinking. I remember Inoki telling me I needed to quit. But that was probably cause I’d just beaten him by submission in a three hour, five star classic. You should’ve been there.

JA: Well, Kev, you go find some coconut oil and give us a call, ok.

KN: [sliding across the floor] Will do. But you should’ve seen it. The crowd was so big we had to do the match twice, once inside the arena, then again outside for everyone who couldn’t get in. Must’ve been at least two million people.

AA: We’ll see ya later, Kev.

[Nash finally makes it out the door and AA and JA breathe sighs of relief.]

JA: Well…

AA: He knows the hot spots to eat.

JA: And he takes up YOUR promo time. Not to mention that quad injury.

AA: You’re probably right.

JA: Who else we…?

[The door swings open and slams against the wall, and Sid stomps into the room, squeegee in hand.]

Sid: I JUST GOT DONE… PLAYING… SOFT BALL… AND SOMEBODY… TOLD ME… THAT YOU… WERE LOOKING FOR… FOR… FOR… Can I start over?

AA: We’re live here, Sid.

Sid: SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE LOOKING FOR HELP!

JA: Well, yeah, but we don’t need our windshields cleaned.

Sid: LOOK LITTLE MAN! I AM THE MASTER… AND THE RULER… OF THE WORLD!

[Sid drops to one knee and does his old pose.]

AA: We’re looking for a bodyguard.

Sid: I AM THE ULTIMATE… BODY GUARD!

JA: Really?

Sid: THERE IS NOTHING… I CAN’T DO!

AA: [to JA] Aside from blow a simple line, sure.

JA: Can you do a big boot?

Sid: CAN I… DO… A BIG BOOT??

[Sid does his goofy looking big boot and knocks the dummy to the floor.]

Sid: HOW WAS THAT??

AA: That was great. Anything else ya got?

Sid: ANY THING ELSE??

[Sid chokeslams the dummy then power bombs it, making sure to hit the dummy’s head off the ceiling before just dropping the dummy awkwardly to the floor.]

JA: That was… I don’t know… sloppy.

Sid: SLOPPY?? YOU WANNA SEE… SLOPPY??

[Sid grabs a pair of scissors of a nearby desk and starts stabbing the mannequin dummy repeatedly, talking to himself the entire time. Johnny and AA look at each other in fear, then decide to quietly slip out of the room while Sid destroys the dummy.]

[mooseheadjack]

(Ecosystem is training in a dojo with Eddie Kim.)

Eco: Dude, I'm telling you, it's not going to work.

Kim: Do you think I didn't exhaust all other options?

Eco: No. I don't think you did. Putting snakes on a plane isn't even in the top 200 ideas.

Kim: Well, whatever. How's your life?

Eco: Pretty good. Beat Ax and Seraph in a three way match at the last pay-per-view--Seraph was really high-ranked, still is--and I just beat Kurt Angle at the last show.

Kim: Angle?

Eco: Yes.

Kim: You beat up a painkiller addict?

Eco: ...Do you think I didn't exhaust all other options??

Kim: Like, walking off and getting counted out?

Eco: ...Shoot.

Kim: Whatever. Who are you facing Wednesday?

Eco: Apocalyptic Existence.

*Pause*

Kim: That's not his name.

Eco: Yes it is.

Kim: No it's not.

Eco: His parents are Emo Existence and 2Xtreme Existence.

Kim: No. No, you're not allowed to salvage that. That's not his name. Maybe his name is Apocalypse? Or Apocalypto?

Eco: It's definitely Apocalyptic Existence.

Kim: No. You're wrong.

Eco: How am I wrong?

Kim: You're just....you're wrong, that's all.

(Samuel L. Jackson and some FBI agents break down the door.)

SLJ: Eddie Kim, you're under arrest on 42 counts of murder and 22 counts of attempted murder!

Kim: You'll never take me alive!

SLJ: Fine.

(Samuel L. Jackson shoots Eddie Kim ten times. Eddie Kim dies.)

SLJ: Yo Eco! How you doing?

Eco: Eh, pretty good. I'm facing Apocalyptic Existence this week on OOWF TV. You gonna watch?

SLJ: Who?

Eco: Apocalyptic Existence.

(Pause.)

SLJ: That's not his name.

Eco: Screw you.

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are back in the locker room, as OOWF staff has cleaned up the Sid Vicious/mannequin mess.

JA: That didn’t work too well, did it?

AA: Can’t say it did. But it was a good effort, Johnny. And it was a hell of a promo.

JA: Ahh, that it was. So can you top it?

AA: Can I top it? It will be tough, but of course I can top it. That’s what we’re here for. See, I decided to think outside the box. What if our bodyguard isn’t…a…wrestler?

JA: Well, that does create more opportunities.

AA: Yes, it does. And they’re waiting outside. Shall we?

JA: Why not.

The first non-wrestler bodyguard interviewees walk in the door.

JA: Tonya Harding, Jeff Gillooly and Shane Stant!

AA (swooning): Yeah…

JA: The hell? And why are you looking at Tonya like that? You’re not. No, you can’t. Dude! Look at her!

AA: Well, she was pretty hot 12 years ago.

TH: What do you mean pretty hot 12 years ago! I’m still pretty hot!

Tonya throws a hubcap at AA, hitting him upside the head.

AA: Hey, don’t make me call 911!

TH: Been there, done that, been on probation for it.

SS: You want me to take a nightstick to his kneecap?

Suddenly we hear a THUD outside the room. Nancy Kerrigan is lying on the floor, and for some reason she’s wearing ice skates.

NK: WHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!! WHY ME!!!!!! WHY ME!!!!! WHHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!

AA: Probably because you were wearing ice skates on a concrete floor? I don’t know.

NK: WHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Ric Flair: WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NK: WHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Ric Flair: WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TH: Shane, take care of her. And do it right this time.

AA: Jesus, give him some help.

Stant and Jesus C. Kidneypuncher run outside and alternately hit Kerrigan in the knee with a nightstick and punch her in the kidneys.

AA: Now then. Tonya, now that we’re all alone, what do you say we go out to dinner and talk about this bodyguard position.

JG: Hey, I’m still here!

JA: But why? I mean, you were her ex-husband back then. You changed your name. I don’t even know why you’re here. Abdullah, take care of him.

Abdullah the Butcher pulls out a fork and turns Gillooly into bloodbath.

RF: Hey, no one bleeds like Ric Flair! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ric starts stabbing himself in the forehead with a fork until he, too, is wearing a crimson mask.

AA: As I was saying, so you wanna go to dinner?

TH: But what about the bodyguard job? I really need the work.

JA: Dude, you hung out with Uma Thurman for a week and now you’re trying to have dinner with Tonya Harding? Have your standards sunk that low?

AA: What? I’d still hit it.

JA: I’m speechless.

AA: Good, then I can get it on with Tonya. So, Tonya, what do…

AA turns to Tonya just in time to see her swinging a steel chair at his head. AA can’t react quickly enough, and eats the chair shot to the head.

AA: Ahhhh, she likes me.

TH: I can’t believe I’ve sunk this low.

JA: That was a pretty mean chair shot. Can you do a Big Boot?

[mooseheadjack]

*SH and JO are stewing in the D&D Locker Room.*

SH: Great. Just great. What else can go wrong for us? The Chickenshits didn't help us, Flair took the black book of SFJ names and numbers, and now we're in a match for the copyright on the name of Drink & Destroy. This name which we clearly deserve more than those idiots Stank and Caps. How can we get out of it?

JO: ... kill them?

SH: Naah, too risky. I don't want to spend more time in jail.

JO: ... kill the Surpreme Court?

SH: No. No killing. There's not anywhere higher that we can go on this. It looks like there's only one thing we can do... try to alter the odds in this match to favor us as much as we possibly can.

JO: ... start setting things in Fresno on fire? Caps would HAVE to go back there and help them, right?

SH: It isn't like he's Fresno's resident superhero. He's not bound to go back there. We need to find something else... some way that we can combine our talents.

JO: I've got an idea. Follow me.

*Josh leaves the locker room, with Spin following close behind...*

[mooseheadjack]

<TCH are walking through the halls trying to figure out their conundrum>

AA: Did the announcer just say conundrum?

JA: Sure sounded that way

AA: Is that something we would say?

JA: Not unless you thought conundrum was a sandwich! OH SNAP!

AA: Funny. Look, are we any closer to solving this bodyguard problem?

JA: Are you done ogling Tonya Harding?

AA: Come on Mike, we saw that tape, she is smokin’!

JA: Heh, I remember that, popcorn and porn at Harris place, how did we get invited there?

AA: I think Beast crashed it and we just sort of followed him.

JA: Whatever happened to Beast? Wasn’t he our bodyguard once?

AA: OMG CONTINUITY!!

JA: What?

AA: Nothing, I heard he took a “vacation” after he raped Carl Coolname

JA: Bookerman was PISSED!!!

AA: Maybe you should call him.

JA: You want me to call a 300 pound man with anger problems that walks through walls and rapes grown men for his own amusement, knowing full well that our Chickenshit ways would just inevitably piss him off at some point?

AA: Good point. Let’s forget Beast. So what are we gonna do?

JA: Look, we can work out the bodyguard thing later. We need to worry about our match this week.

AA: What is there to worry about? We are teaming with kz against those chumps wCw and The Aussies. All we have to do is stay out of the way. Let kz take the brunt of the beating.

JA: Uhh Capps, when was the last time you watched OOWFtv?

AA: It’s been awhile why?

<Johnny and AA pause in front of an OOWFtv monitor and catch LD Williams promo>

:
LD: “I’m serious Jack. Do you realize what a golden opportunity we have this week?”

MHJ: “Do tell.”

LD: “We’re teaming up with the PGA prince and the sultan of ‘-on a pole’. The luncheon lothario and the grandmaster of gambling. With wCw out for blood and the aussies in a place where looking at them sideways is considered suicidal behavior, this seems like the perfect time for kz to learn from the masters…”

MHJ: “…by parking ourselves outside the ring and taking notes.”

LD: “Bingo. We get a night off, and Tubby and the McIdiot get what they deserve.”

AA: who the hell is Tubby and McIdiot anyway? Are Smoley and Smark back in the OOWF

JA: Alan, they are talking about US

AA: Oh. DAMMIT! They came up with our plan before we did!

JA: It certainly appears that way. Looks like we will have to figure something else out.

AA: I GOT IT!

JA: Excellent! So what are we gonna do, no show and leave kz out to dry? Attack those wCw clowns and put them back in the hospital?

AA: Huh? No no no. We are gonna…..HIRE KZ AS OUR BODYGUARDS!

<Johnny stops dead in his tracks>

JA: I am speechless. WHAT?

AA: It’s perfect! Think about it, they are the two meanest bastards in the OOWF, it would be PERFECT for them to watch OUR backs!

JA: Dude! They WHIPPED US WITH BARBED WIRE!!!

AA: That was just a misunderstanding. It’s all in the past, beside, think about it, if THEY are our bodyguards, THEY have to listen to us! We can make them carry the whole match! It is BRILLIANT!

JA: You are out of your damn mind!

AA: Look, there they are, let’s go ask them, YO MOOSE!! BILLY DEE!! You got a minute?

MHJ: What do you two want?

AA: We have a proposition for you two! How would you, kz, Moosehead Jack and Esther Williams…

LDW: Fatboy I am gonna skin you alive…

AA: Anyway, how would you two like to be bodyguards for The Chickenshit Heels

LDW: I am speechless

AA: I knew you would think it is awesome

MHJ: Is he serious

JA: It appears that way

MHJ: I think it would be a much better idea for you two to concentrate on the match this week

<kz steps in close and LDW almost growls>

LDW: Cause if you two don’t hold up your end, the beating you get will make the barbed wire fence match look like a fucking onslaught rules match.

<kz turn and walk away>

AA: Was that a no?

[mooseheadjack]

**L.D. Williams walks into Underdawg’s locker room.**

UD: “What?”

LD: “It’s September.”

UD: “Thanks, but I own a calendar.”

LD: “Two years ago, we faced off in the OOWF’s very first match.”

UD: “And I kicked your ass.”

LD: “You won. Not the same thing.”

UD: “You have a point?”

LD: “For two years, I’ve beaten every man I’ve gotten in the ring with, and won every title I’ve set my sights on. The only thing I haven’t done is-”

UD: “-Beat me. Look son, you’ve got guts, I’ll give you that. If you want a piece of me, step up. But skip the talking. I’ve heard all this before.”

LD: “Fair enough. I just wanted to warn you. This time, you’re mine.”

**Williams walks out**

UD: “If I had a dollar for every punk who challenged me to make them famous…Oh wait, I do.”

[mooseheadjack]

**L.D. Williams walks into Underdawg’s locker room.**

UD: “What?”

LD: “It’s September.”

UD: “Thanks, but I own a calendar.”

LD: “Two years ago, we faced off in the OOWF’s very first match.”

UD: “And I kicked your ass.”

LD: “You won. Not the same thing.”

UD: “You have a point?”

LD: “For two years, I’ve beaten every man I’ve gotten in the ring with, and won every title I’ve set my sights on. The only thing I haven’t done is-”

UD: “-Beat me. Look son, you’ve got guts, I’ll give you that. If you want a piece of me, step up. But skip the talking. I’ve heard all this before.”

LD: “Fair enough. I just wanted to warn you. This time, you’re mine.”

**Williams walks out**

UD: “If I had a dollar for every punk who challenged me to make them famous…Oh wait, I do.”

[mooseheadjack]

*The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 are walking down an arena hall.*

FF Capslock (to Stank): So what kind of cases did you see while you were interning with Ginsberg?

Stank: Well, there was this really inter-

(Stank is interrupted by Josh and Spin poking their heads around a corner. Josh heaves a brick with a flaming rag tied around it at Caps.)

Spin & Josh: SURPRISE, FUCKERS!

(The brick completely misses Caps but does succeed in hitting Angelo Barros, who happens to be passing by, in the back of the head. He collapses.)

Stank: Pathetic.

[mooseheadjack]

Fly enters the Halfrican American's locker room. He sees an unusual sight- Nayr chanting the words of a foreign language while standing on an octogram. Near him are three small bits of wood and three CCs of blood (in a packet, of course).

Fly: Sweet Jesus Mary n' Joseph! Wizzle in tha name in all tizzy be holy is you perpetratin' ?

Nayr: I am about to perform... the Rite of AshkEnte.

Fly: No! Not tha Rite of AshkEnte! Dawg was not meant ta meddle wit S-to-tha-izzuch th'n!

Nayr: But there is something I must know, F-Lawg.

Fly: Okay, but whiznat `bout tha blood? I hope it didnt belong ta Mooseheezee Jizzack! I hizzle hes `bout ta stizzay his own collection.

Nayr: It's rat blood.

Fly: Did it belong ta Mooseheezee Jack?

Nayr: Well, where else am I supposed to get rat blood at this time of day? Moosehead Jack will have to collect human blood like most people, yo. Now if you'll excuse me.

*Nayr finishes chanting. The air in the centre of the octogram shimmers and thickens, and suddenly contains a dark figure cloaked by a robe and holding a scythe. It is indeed, Death, the Grim Reaper.*

Death: YOU CALLED?

Nayr: Yes. It is said that you can foretell the future, can you not?

Death: WHICH? THAT IT IS SAID I CAN TELL THE FUTURE OR THAT I CAN INDEED TELL THE FUTURE?

Nayr: The latter. I command this by Azimroth, by T'chikel, by-

Death: I CAN INDEED TELL THE FUTURE. AND INDEED, THE EVIL THAT LIES IN THE HEARTS OF MEN. AND HALFLING LUCHADORES.

*Nayr coughs*

Nayr: OK, yeah, I get it. Do you think you can tell me who will be the winner of the match between the Halfrican Americans and Drink and Destroy? By Yrripth and Kcharla I do abjure thee, yo.

Death: THAT IS NOT NECESSARY. WHAT IS NECESSARY, HOWEVER, IS TELLING ME WHICH OF THE TEAMS KNOWN AS "DRINK AND DESTROY" YOU REFER TO.

Nayr: I-

Death: KIDDING. FROM THE CONTEXT, IT IS VERY CLEAR. HOWEVER, THERE IS ONE SMALL MATTER IN THE WAY.

Nayr: And that is?

*The air in the centre of the octogram shimmers and thickens, and suddenly contains a small dark figure cloaked by a robe and holding a miniature scythe. It is indeed, the Death of Rats, the Grim Squeaker.

DoR: SQUEAK!

Death: HE SAYS IT IS THE REMAINS OF RAT MATTER BY YOUR FEET.

Nayr: I didn't do it! It was Moosehead Jack!

Death: THAT IS IRRELEVANT. BLOOD IS BLOOD. I'M AFRAID I CAN NOT GRANT YOUR REQUEST.

*Both Death and the Death of Rats disappear*

Nayr: Curses, yo! Word buggery word!

Fly: Relax n we out. We dont need magic ta know we can beat Drizzink n' Destroy . I'm crazy, you can't phase me. We can jiznust go out there this Midweek Mayhem, n do it in Podunk, Michigan sho nuff!

Nayr: I guess you're right, word.

Fly: Of course Im right. J-to-tha-izzust one S-M-to-tha-izzall question.

Nayr: What's that?

Fly: What was thizzay `bout tha evil in tha hearts of Halflin Luchadizzles?

*fade out*

[mooseheadjack]

We see LD Williams leaving Underdawg's locker room. Underdawg is filing his nails until a knock is heard on the door. It's Mr. Hughes, holding a piece of paper.

Mr.H: Uh, hello. I'm here for my interview.

UD: What are you talking about?

Mr.H: Oh, sorry. Wrong locker room. I was looking for two guys that go by the names of Capps and Adrenaline. I heard they were hiring a bodyguard, and well, I'm a little late because there was a line at Kinko's while I was trying to get my resume printed. I don't own a printer, haven't had a job in a long while, and...

UD: Shut up. You're here to apply for a job with the Chickenshit Heels?

Mr.H: Well, yeah.

UD: You're pathetic. Get out. (he looks down and starts filing again a knock is heard again)

Mr.H: So, any idea where they might be?

UD: No. Now get the fuck out. Or I'll make you famous.

Mr. Hughes runs off.

Underdawg starts to file again when another knock on the door...

UD: What the fuck do you want now you hasbee...? Ew. Chyna? Holy shit you look disgusting!

Chyna is drunk, holding a 40 of St. Ides and a resume: Yuuu no werrr I can fiiind Caaaaps an Adren... adren... the other guy?

UD: Get your busted out of here now, you beast!

[mooseheadjack]

[The camera fades from black to show Canadian Dragon slumped against thew wall of the parking garage beside a knocked over LADDER. Rick's Clueless Lawyer # 5 walks by and trips over LADDER.]

Dragon I was close. You know, I was so close to winning the title. You know how that felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.

RCL #5: You all right man? Your eyes are kinda...

Dragon: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When Cole held on to LADDER in our match, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him.

LADDER: ...

Dragon: Then there was the Establishment. My career was designed to be one of servitude and worship...and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to be heels, or choose to ignore him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it's pained me... As I'm sure it would pain any one who had a passion for this business. And why? Because of the way he made us. Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain. Like they do. But no! I'm a servant to what is right!

RCL #5: Okay... You know, all I'm sayin' here, is one of us might need a little nap.

Dragon: [claps hands] Wake up! The OOWF has besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given Paradise - they threw it away. They were given this promotion - they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe he exists. And in spite of it all... He hath shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about me? I asked ince... Just once, to lay down the sword, because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? My expulsion from Paradise! Where was his infinite fucking patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! I've paid my debt. Don't you think it's time... Don't you think it's time I won what is rightfully mine? And to do that... I... I think we may have to dispatch my would be dispatchers.

RCL #5: Wait. Wait. Wait. Kill them? I don't think our insurance even cover manslaughter let alone murder. And what about The Team From Down Under? I mean... Those guys are all right.

Dragon: Don't. Don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me once. Faces or not, they're just human. And by winning the title, my sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul

RCL #5: My God. I've heard a rant like this before

Dragon: What did you say?

RCL #5: I've heard a rant like this before

Dragon: Don't you fuckin' do that to me

RCL #5: You sound like a freaking Kevin Smith movie!!!

Dragon: You shut your fuckin' mouth!

RCL #5: You do! You sound like fucking Silent Bob man! You fuckin' lost it! You're not talkin' about winning the title, you're talkin' about fuckin' getting sued by a fat man from Jersey! Well fuck that. I have seen what happens to the proud when then take on the throne. I'm goin' back to The Rick's office. Maybe Erlana will give me a handie.

Dragon: [Canadian Dragon violently throws the lawyer against a pillar in the parking garage] I'm winning the world title! And no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself, is gonna make that otherwise.

[Camera fades to black]

[mooseheadjack]

"FAT LIP" blares from the loudspeakers as WCW RETURNS TO THE RING AT FULL STRENGTH!

<All 3 men and Missy soak up the cheers from the crowd for a second, and then get the mic....>

Capellan: DUDES! What did I tell you? What did I tell TheRick? MY BRO'S ARE BACK! AND BETTER THAN EVER! GIVE IT UP! WCW IS BACK!

<Crowd goes NUTS>

OK, we got a couple of things that really, REALLY need to be talked about...

<Holds up a finger>

FIRST - Alt, Cole, Firechild.... 3 Piece Set. 3 on one - hell... 5 on one if you count the to "ladies" you run with.... Dudes, you can't keep me out of the hunt for a title! Well, it ain't 3 on 1 anymore! Your surf just got a lot rougher, boys! You better be ready for the ride!

Wilder: <Holds up a finger> We noticed that in the last rankings, WE'RE NOT LISTED! You know what? That's cool! Hey Rickster! We DON'T want a title shot yet! We've been off the radar for a while, and it's only fair that we earn our way back to the belts! Besides, when is the last time WCW ever took the EASY WAY? Higher the ramp, bigger the air, right?

Westgaard: <Holds up a finger> THIRD. Chicken Shit Heels. We got business. A title shot? That can wait until we earned it. You two? That has a firm date, in my opinion. Last weekend of the month. Remeber last year? Our Last Battle of Dayton match with The Devil's Briagde? That's going to look like a free skate compared to what Wilder and I are going to do to you. And between now and then?? Hey, that's bonus time.

Missy: WCW is back. Stronger, faster,

TW: MORE AMPED!

Cap: And crazier than ever. We won't quit. You can't slow us down, and you can't keep up!

TW: GET READY FOR SOME BIG AIR, BOYS!

JWW: 'Cause when you hit the deck, it's gonna be a stone cold bitch...

[mooseheadjack]

<wCw walk through the back after their big promo talking excitedly>

Cap: DUDES! This is gonna be awesome, I can just FEEL it, knowhatimsayin?

TW: Totally, I'm tellin you Cap you should have SEEN some of the stuff this old guy showed us, Fat boy and Johnny aren't gonna know what hit them!

Cap: So he really did some ancient Chinese voodoo shit on you huh?

JWW: Man, I don't know WHAT he did, but let me tell ya, I have never felt better!

Cap: You guys are gonna OWN this match, what a way to make your comeback.....

Voice: It's a damn shame

<wCw spins around and we see kz standing before them>

TW: Excuse me?

MHJ: I said, its a damn shame. Your first match back is gonna be the last match of your career

JWW: is that a fact

LDW: That's a fact

JWW: You talk real big for a guy who is outnumbered three to two.

<kz just smirk, wCw spins around just in time to get caught in the heads with chair shots from the Chickenshit Heels, before Capellan can come to his aid, Altrageous darts out and slams him in the face with the IC title. kz and TCH put the boots to wCw while Alt and Capellan brawl down the hall.

Kz pull wCw up and TCH are about to pop them again when The Team From Down Under rush to the fight and attack kz! They start brawlin and now we have three seperate fights going on.

Capellan and Altrageous brawl down the hall and Cap begins getting the better of the fight when he is jumped from behind by the rest of 3Piece Set. Firechild and Cole pull Capellan up and they are about to throw him through a plate glass window when the hall fills with smoke and UnderDawg shows up and begins PUMMELING Cole!

Firechild looks to help his running buddies, but he stumbles backward and lands in Concrete's Hard Core playground! Crete and Firechild begin fighting through the chairs and steel chains and clangy poles, all while LADDER looks on menacingly.

Walking down the hall wearing Cowboy Hats and drinking longneck beers, (though looking NOTHING like Americas Most Wanted) The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 pause to watch the fight. They pop fresh cold ones, and are immediately jumped from behind by Drink & Destroy! Now THEIR fight is on!

The Halfrican Americans wander out of their locker room and see The Devil's Brigade rushing toward the fight, so they ambush TDB with a couple of hubcaps from Fly's lime green Gremlin

hearing the tremendous commotion, the rest of the locker room empties and the fight gets even bigger, Ax is working his way through the crowd with a steel pipe, he stops when he sees Chris Cole, looks at the pipe, but before he can doo anything, Canadian Dragon leaps off the ladder and sends Ax sprawling

Thim gets involved with kz against the Aussies, but that only lasts a moment before he is attacked by Sriram, Entity and Blackdragon, no onslaught rules here, the four men tear at each other with ferocity not seen in an Onslaught match. The whole time Ecosystem and Apocalyptic Existence are standing watching the fight, UnderDawg grabs Cole by the throat and throws him through a table, then gives a shout out to Eco and AE, they turn around and spot Eric O'Mac charging , he tackles Eco, while a serene Seraph walks right up to AE and they lock eyes. After several seconds of this without warning the two come to blows.

With his entire company brawling back stage, even The Chickenshit Heel Posse of Abby, Ric, Ron, Jesus and Repo are in on the action

Kevin Nash joins late, he adds this little bit "now THIS is a backstage fight! I remember I was in Guam, musta been around '90 or so. Anyway Tarzan Goto and the Shiek were going to have a Polynesian Death Match, but Shiek came down with mono and couldn't go. So the President of Guam, who was also the booker, looked at me and siad, Kev, you are the only one who can match the Shiek's style, we need you in this match!

About this time, AA grabs Wilder and calls Nash to lift the big boot! AA Whips Wilder, Nash gets his leg up, and tears his quad. Nash hits the floor in pain, but nevertheless, finishes his story

So I agreed, now you know Guam is pretty small, for this match, and you can look this up, the crowd was so big, I had to fly in several of my private yachts to anchor just off shore so people could see the match"

Sabu tries to come to Concrete's aid, but he stops to argue with Ladder, they end up fighting it out.

With his entire locker room in a riot, GM the Rick sticks his head out the door, looks around for a moment, then throws his hands in the air and mutters "fuck em." Rick walks into the office and dials a number...

"Hello, Shirley, yeah can you put me through to Barry? Barry? I got to ask something here, how much again was the OOWF Insurance on building we rent? Uh huh.....uh huh... oh. Barry are you sitting down?

<fade>

[mooseheadjack]

Harper Camby and Tommy O'Neill are walking through the hallways of the Podunk City Civic Auditorium/McDonald's/Tire Center/Airport in lovely downtown Podunk, Michigan when they see on older woman along the side.

HC- Hey...is that...?

TO- Is 'at 'oo?

HC- I swear I recognize that woman from somewhere.

TO- Shay's uh politician uv som kand.

HC- Is that Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

Suddenly a VW Microbus slams comes tearing down the hallway. Tommy dives out of the way, but Harper is hit and flies through the windshield. Tommy gets up and is greeted by a dead goat being swung into his face by FF Capslock. Tommy struggles to get up and Stank comes flying off of the van with a cinder block tied to his elbow and delivers a Savage Elbow Drop. Harper struggles to get to his feet.

TO- Lookowt! Ruff Bayda Ginsbag!

HC- What?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg blasts Harper in the face with a baseball bat and then mashes the handle into Tommy's face.

S- Haven't done that in a while.

FFC- Its been a while since we've done an old school beatdown on an upcoming opponant.

RBG- I haven't beat someone with a bat in, gosh, WEEKS!

S- What was that?

RBG- Nothing. I'm just glad that I've arrived here in OOWF, so I can show the WORLD who the most EXTREME supreme court justice is!

FFC- Until now, I would've thought Alito. But you have proved me wrong Ginsburg. I stand corrected.

RBG- A lot of people make that mistake, and are corrected via baseball bat.

S- Good to have you here Ruthie.

RBG- Yeah, I don't think I can do anything about adding match stipulations for you, but I certainly can beat the shit out of some people.

S- Fair enough!

FFC- Yeah, sweet. Welcome to The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 Ms. Ginsburg.

RBG- Well, if you don't mind, I'd like us to be called The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 Featuring Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice Of The United States Of America.

S- TNOCNB2KFRBGSCJOTUSOA forever!

[mooseheadjack]

Post-brawl, Cap, Wilder and Westgaard are nursing their injuries in the wCw locker room

"Dudes." Cap shakes his head, "Welcome back, I guess?"

Wilder and Westgaard laugh, and clink Red Bulls together.

"Gotta admit I missed it, kid." JW says, "And I know this young lunatic did."

Missy enters the shot, making an exaggerated "you're all crazy" face as she does so.

"Yeah, welcome back to getting your bones broken and your bodies bruised on a weekly basis by men who are banned from entering eleven of the lower 48 states. Remind me why I paid for you to get better again?"

"Cos you missed us?" Wilder suggests, offering her a toast of his Red Bull.

For a moment Missy's expression softens as she looks fondly at Tommy, then she remembers to keep herself professional and adopts a detached air.

"Sure. Or maybe I was just fed up of The Rick pestering me to be in SkinMag, and wanted my meal ticket back."

wCw burst into laughter to close out the scene.

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster is leafing through a large book of useless knowledge when Johnny Adrenaline walks into the room.

AA: Did you know that Supreme Court justices are automatically given the same rights as a professional wrestling manager? I was thinking maybe we could find Ruth Bader Ginsburg and have her be our enforcer.

JA: You really need to start watching OOWF-TV again.

[mooseheadjack]

SFJ#36C finds Capellan backstage.

"Capellan, it's only a few hours until your contract signing with Altrageous for a title shot at the next PPV. How do you feel?"

"On top of the world." Cap replies with a grin. "Once this deal is inked, there's nothing Alt can do to dodge me any more."

"You're convinced you'll beat Altrageous? That seems like hubris."

Capellan looks surprised.

"Dude ... you aren't Sugar or Spice in disguise or something are you?"

"No. Why?"

"... never mind."

"No, what? You didn't expect anyone would think Altrageous might beat you? He's a multi-time champion, after all. It seems a fair question."

"No, that wasn't it. I'm not taking Alt lightly, trust me. The man may be a punk ass bitch, but he's a punk ass bitch who can wrestle. I'm stoked that I'll finally get a clean shot: a shot I know I have the ability to win. But I also know I need to be on top of my game to do it."

"So what then? That I could use the term 'hubris' correctly? Just because I have an awesome - and completely natural - rack doesn't mean I don't have a journalism degree, you know."

"Well actually ..." Cap drops his voice, "What does 'hubris' mean? And dude ... did you say 'completely natural'? Awesome."

"Hmmph!" SFJ#36C flounces off in outrage, leaving Cap behind with a kind of silly, infatuated grin on his face.

"Smart and sexy." he mutters appreciatively, "Duuuuuuude."

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Podunk, Michigan
September 6, 2006

Altrageous – Capellan Contract Signing

We start the show with GM the Rick’s special assistant Jack Tunney Jr. in the ring along with a fancy table and two chairs. Jack Tunney Jr. has the mic:

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honor and privilege to fill in for GM the Rick tonight and preside over this official contract signing between Capellan and OOWF Intercontinental Champion Altrageous. Now, without further adieu will the two participants in this match for the OOWF Intercontinental Title at Hell on Earth II, September 24th, Live from Dayton, Ohio, please make their way to the ring.

With that Capellan’s music hits and he rushes to the ring and slides under the bottom rope, then leaps to the top rope and poses for the crowd. Capellan leaps off the rope and plants himself in the chair, making certain to face the ramp while Altrageous comes out to the ring. Altrageous comes to the ring flanked by Sugar and Spice. Alt stays outside the ring and has Sugar take the trik’d owt title and Spice take his robe. Alt slides into the ring and stares at Capellan then slowly takes off his Intercontinental title and places it on the table, then flops in the chair and puts his feet up on the table.

JTjr: Gentlemen, in addition to getting your signatures on the contract, I am also to make negotiated changes to the match itself should both parties agree to the terms.

Cap: Well, can we put a stip on the match where Chris will be a man and stay and fight his battles?

Alt: Listen you little fuck, it is Altrageous, and I am the greatest Intercontinental champion there has been in the history of the OOWF. I don’t NEED to run away from you. Hell my ladies could put your sorry ass down.

Cap: Oh really? Seems you do a lot of talk, to be perfectly honest Chris, without the set backing you up, you would be nothing. In fact, everyone in the back knows you are the weak link in the Set. Everyone knows you can’t cut it on your own. Tell me, Chris, do you remember what happened to the last weak link in 3Piece Set?

Alt: <getting angry> Listen you ignorant little prick, I was chosen to be part of the Set because I am the elite wrestler in the company. I am the future of the OOWF, I am the future of the Set. Me and Cole and Firechild will run this dump for as long as we want, and I will hold on to THIS Intercontinental title, MY Intercontinental title for as long as I want, and there ain’t a DAMN thing you or anyone else can do about it!

Cap: So long as you have Cole and Firechild, as well as Skankarella and Slutzilla interfering in your matches right?

Alt: THAT’S IT! Tunney, write this down, at Hell on Earth, I am gonna grind this little piece of shit into nothing, I am going to bleed him dry and make him regret the day he EVER crossed paths with Altrageous and 3Piece Set. I want our match to be a HELL IN THE CELL!!!

JTjr: Mr. Capellan, is a Hell in the Cell agreeable to you?

Cap: Sure, that works for me. But now I get a stip too, is that ok with you….Chrissy?

Alt:<seething> Whatever you want, you got it, I don’t care what it is, your life ends at Hell on Earth, I am gonna…..

Cap: Yeah yeah yeah, I know, violence and bloodshed and all that. Whatever. My stip on the match is that I want it to be fought under Onslaught Rules.

Alt: That’s it? Jeeves, make it happen, I am gonna teach this little onslaught punk a lesson…

JTjr: But Mr. Altrageous, you do…..

Alt: JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN!! WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN SO I CAN SIGN IT

<Jack Tunney Jr. makes the note on the paper and gives the contract to Alt who scribbles his name on it and tosses it at Cap. Capellan gives it a cursory glance then signs his name, never taking his eyes off of Altrageous>

JTjr: Ok, gentlemen, as of now this contract is legal and binding, Altrageous will defend his OOWF Intercontinental Title against Capellan in a Hell in the Cell match fought under Onslaught Rules at Hell On Earth II, Live From Dayton, Ohio, September 24, 2006. Are there any other things needing my attention?

Alt: Nope, hit the bricks Benson, this is where I get medieval on this punk…

With that Alt grabs the Intercontinental title and swings it at Capellan, but Capellan ducks and slams Alt’s head down onto the IC title on the table, then leaps onto the table and leg drops Altrageous through the table to the mat. Cap flips Alt over and begins hammering away on him. Alt tries to cover up but Cap rains shots on his head. Finally Firechild and Cole hit the ring and as Capellan looks up, Cole PASTES him between the eyes with the world title. FC and CC put the boots to Capellan as Altrageous climbs out of the table wreckage. Cole pulls Cap up and is about to hit the HEADLINER, when wCw hits the ring, Firechild tries to attack but wCw takes him out of the ring and chase him up the ramp. Capellan is still left with Cole and Altrageous, Capellan fights them off for a moment with a piece of the table, but they eventually get the better of him, until the lights go out

BONG

BONG

WOOF!

The lights come back on and UnderDawg is in the ring! He grabs Cole by the throat and throws him into the corner and begins pummeling him down to the mat. On the opposites side Capellan has Alt in the corner and is hammering away. Cap and UD both whip their men to the center of the ring, but Cole and Alt put on the brakes before colliding. Cole turns back around and eats a big boot to the mouth, sending him to the floor, Alt turns around as well and eats a Dragon Kick to the face, sending him to the floor as well. As 3Piece Set are about to get back into the ring, GM the Rick appears on the OOtron:

ENOUGH!!! That’s IT!! WE can’t even have a god damn contract signing around here without it turning into chaos! You four want each other so bad? FINE! Tonight, we have a new main event, UnderDawg and Capellan versus 3Piece Set! NO EXCUSES! Now get out of my ring so the rest of the card can go on! NOW!

UNCLE ENTITY vs. BLACKDRAGON

Junior Hale is YOUR referee!

Slow circle to start, BD pawing for UE's outstretched hands. Entity raises one hand for a test of strength; BD reaches but then UE stands up straight to keep his hand out of reach. BD responds with a boot to the gut and a snap suplex to wake UE up. Entity snaps to his feet and is whipped around with an arm drag. He pulls free and charges again - ANOTHER arm drag! This time BD holds on, shuffling until he's behind Entity, who flails with his free arm. BD braces the trapped arm and grabs the other, attempting an early diss on Entity by STEALING THE CRUCIFIX! Entity lacks leverage but manages to pull his arms forward, Blackdragon releasing one and getting a swat to the face. BD releases the other arm and staggers back as a furious Uncle Entity gets to his feet and throws BD into a corner. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, kick, kick, then a corner choke with his size 14 boot. Ref Hale gets him to break at 4. Entity backs up, but not before landing a savage kick to the chest! Hale admonishes him but Entity's not listening. He turns back to Dragon, who is trying to pull himself up using the ropes. Entity grabs dragon's legs and YANKS him out of the corner, landing flat on his back and nearly having the wind knocked out of him. Entity poses for the crowd, who boo heartily and chant "You can't wrestle!" at him. Incensed by the accusation, UE grabs BD's legs and ties him into a sloppy Texas Cloverleaf. BD is close enough for a rope break, and the crowd jeers Entity some more. Furious, he stands dragon up and whips him to the ropes, preparing to dropkick him on the rebound. BD grabs the ropes and UE lands on his back. Entity doesn't stand up right away, so dragon drops a running elbow on him for a two count. He slips behind Entity to start the Dragon Combo but Entity gets to his feet and snaps Dragon over! CRUCIFIX APPLIED! BD refuses to surrender and rallies the crowd into chanting all sorts of not-nice things Entity's way, sundering his concentration and giving BD a chance to wriggle one arm free. Before Entity can grab the free arm Dragon's got a shoulder in his gut! Dragon hoists for the DKO drop but Entity lands behind him for a German suplex! Standing switch - Dragon German suplexes Entity instead! Entity breaks free and tackles Blackdragon, falling right into a MAT RASSLIN trap! Entity is dazzled as Blackdragon chain wrestles Entity all over the ring, trapping him in the corner for a nasty shoulder block to the gut. Stunned, Blackdragon moves in and hoists UE up! DKO Drop! Entity is down for the count.
WINNER in 12:15 Blackdragon

THE NEW ORIGINAL CLASSIC NEW BLACKJACKS 2000 vs. THE DEVIL’S BRIGADE

The Devil’s Brigade is already in the ring, awaiting the entrance of the New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000. Suddenly the music of Big Van Vader pumps from Buck Zumhoff’s last remaining boom box, standing next to the announce table (OK, face it, we can’t afford a huge sound system). IT’S BADER TIME! IT’S BADER TIME! The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 hit the ring on the run, with Ruth Bader Ginsburg running surprisingly spryly behind them, waving a baseball bat. Stank grabs the mic as The Devil’s Brigade bails.

Stank: “We’re going to make this quick, because we’d much rather be brawling than talking. But we want to introduce ourselves. We are now The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 Featuring Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice Of The United States Of America!”

For some bizarre reason that gets a pop from the crowd. But it’s quickly subdued as The Devil’s Brigade sneak attacks Stank and FF Capslock. Bader Ginsburg bails out of the ring, and Special guest referee and former OOWF star Gimmickman (why not? We're in Michigan. Plus I can’t remember any of the OOWF ref’s names) is trying to remove her from ringside. But Bader pulls out a 1993 Supreme Court decision that says Supreme Court justices are automatically given the same rights as a professional wrestling manager. Huh, who knew that? Meanwhile, O’Neill and Camby have tossed Stank out of the ring and are double teaming FFC, hammering him with a series of heavy punches and kicks. Double-team Hotshot, and FFC his doing his best Ricky Steamboat routine. Gimmickman finally gets Camby out of the ring, and we have order restored! At least until Stank recovered enough to pull Camby off the apron and start a fight with him on the floor. Stank runs Camby into the carbon fiber steps, then grabs a titanium chair and wallops Camby across the back. Gimmickman sees none of this, as he’s busy arguing with O’Neill about pulling FFC’s armpit hair. Stank rolls into the ring and attempts to sneak attack O’Neill. O’Neill sees it and creates a standoff. That gives FFC enough time to recover and crush O’Neill with a belly-to-back suplex! Stank rolls out of the ring just long enough for FFC to make the tag. TNOCNB2000KFRBG,SCJOTUSOA hit a nasty double eye poke, then double clothesline O’Neill out of the ring. Camby is just making his way back into the ring, so Stank moves in on Camby, working over his back. FFC hops down to the floor and holds O’Neill from behind. GINSBURG CLOBBERS O’NEILL WITH THE BASEBALL BAT!!! Not surprisingly, she’s a lefty. Gimmickman misses that because he’s concerned that Stank may have pulled Camby’s tights while applying an abdominal stretch. Camby finally gets to the ropes, so Stank props up Camby on the top rope. Is Stank going for a top rope Superplex! OH MY GAWD! Camby tries to punch his way out, but it’s O’Neill’s nasty uppercut to Stank’s lower regions that knocks Stank from the ropes. Camby now climbs to the top rope! Does Camby have a top rope move? We’ll never know, as FFC runs down the apron and shoves Camby into the ring barricade. Gimmickman rolls out of the ring to check on Camby and admonish FFC. FFC tags Stank and immediately hits GREETINGS FROM FRESNO! on O’Neill. Stank starts brawling with Camby on the outside. FFC goes for the pin, but there’s no ref to count the pin fall. Suddenly Drink & Destroy hit the ring! DUAL FLOURESCENT LIGHT TO THE HEAD OF FFC! FFC IS BUSTED OPEN! D&D rolls O’Neill on top of FFC and race from the ringside area, chased by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Gimmickman has Stank and Camby separated, and rolls back into the ring to see the pin. One, two and three!
YOUR WINNERS in 14:12, The Devil’s Brigade.

APOCALYPTIC EXISTENCE vs. ECOSYSTEM

Apocalyptic Existence, a relative newcomer to the OOWF will face one of the OOWF Originals in Ecosystem. Eco has returned after a long hiatus and has been on a bit of a winning streak. AE, has also been hot, taking OOWF Champion The Main Event, Chris Cole to the limit last week. Both men eye each other warily and slowly circle. With both men proficient at mat wrestling as well as brawling, this one should be a classic. Collar and elbow tie up, Eco reverses it into an arm drag, AE springs right to his feet, Eco charges, but AE side steps and sends him to the ropes, then catches him on the rebound and tires a tilt-a-whirl suplex, but Eco reverses it into a head scissors that sends AE across the ring, only AE rolls through it , and springs to the second rope, leaps to the rope, turns and leaps, catching Eco with a flying clothesline. AE covers, but Eco is out at one. Eco bridges out of the pin and hits the ropes and connects with a low drop kick to AE’s knee that sends him sprawling, Eco pounces and locks on the STF, not for the submission, but to keep the larger AE grounded. Eco shoots a half nelson and rolls AE over and gets a one count before AE gets his foot on the ropes. Both men are up again quickly, Eco catches AE with a couple of kicks to the side, then hits the ropes and tries a clothesline, but AE ducks, turns and catches Eco with a spinning kick upside the head. This dazes Eco and forces him back into the corner. AE goes in for the kill, throwing forearms and hand slaps to the head as well as kicks to the side of the legs and ribs. Eco keeps his hands up and blocks some of them, but has to shove AE away to get space, Eco leaps to the middle tope and turns and leaps, but AE catches him by the throat and hits a running choke slam into the corner, lets Eco stagger out, then nails a T-bone suplex, hooks the leg, but can only get a two count. AE pulls Eco to his feet and sends him to the ropes, then stops him cold with a kick to the mid section, then hauls him up in a vertical suplex, Eco slithers out of the suplex attempt and shoves AE to the corner, AE hits hard chest first, Eco connects with an enzuguri to the back of the head that sends AE face first into the turnbuckle, as he staggers backward from that Eco grabs AE in the katahajime (ok I butchered that) and falls backward. AE is still with it enough to slide under the ropes and fall to the floor. They hit the floor hard, and Eco appears to get the worst of it. AE is up first and he hits a gut wrench back breaker on Eco, then climbs to the apron and tries a swanton bomb, but Eco moves out of the way. Both men are on the floor, and slowly get to their knees and exchange shots to the head. Neither man is paying any attention to the count, and referee Angel Barros counts both men out.
WINNER in 12:49 – Double Count Out

After the bell, both men stop fighting and look at each other and look in the ring. They eye each other for a moment, bump knuckles, then head to the back separately. Well that barely scratched the surface of what they can do.

CONCRETE TG vs. FIRECHILD

Crete hits the ring, followed a few minutes later by the heavy guitar of Metallica and Firechild, with Moosehead Jack in tow. Crete immediately begins complaining to the ref about Moose being at ringside but the ref just shrugs and says unless he gets in the way there's nothing he can do. Moose gives Firechilds shoulders a quick rub before he gets into the ring, Moose meanwhile grabs a metal chair and sits at ringside to watch. The ref calls for the bell and the two men circle each other in the center of the ring, but even now you can tell that Crete has one eye firmly on Moosehead Jack. Taking advantage of the distraction Firechild moves in and puts Crete onto the mat with a single leg then quickly paintbrushes the back of his head before backing off and laughing, allowing Crete to get back to his feet. Crete gets back to his feet and glares a hole into MHJ who simply shrugs before turning to applaud the efforts of Firechild. The men circle and once again Firechild is able to take down the somewhat preoccupied Concrete but this time stays with him, dropping a couple of wicked looking elbows to the back of his neck, and then runs the ropes and almost takes Crete's head off with a clothesline as Crete gets back to his feet. Crete is helped to his feet by FC who swings him around looking to hit a neck breaker but gets spun around another half a turn and reversed into a vertical suplex. Crete wastes no time in mounting Firechild and unloading with a flurry of elbows, closely watched by the ref . . . Firechild is able to roll to the ropes to force the break but is clearly shaken. Crete is looking dangerous now but still can't tear his eyes away from MHJ, politely applauding on the outside of the ring. The two men lock up again and this time go full bore into 8 straight minutes of counter counter chain wrestling, culminating in a rather startled looking Firechild getting rolled-up clean in the center of the ring by Concrete TG. Crete gets the three count and the win in 12.43
WINNER in 12:43 – Concrete TG

Crete immediately heads over to Moosehead Jack's side of the ring and screams at him . . . Moose simply stands and applauds the efforts of Crete in a rather slow and deliberate fashion, allowing just enough time for Firechild to recover to his feet and clothesline Crete out over the top rope. Moose jumps out of the way while Firechild leaves the ring after Crete. MHJ is still standing and clapping Crete's win while Firechild reaches over, picks up Moose's chair and waffles Crete around the head with it, not one but three times. Firechild rolls the now semi conscious Crete into the ring before flipping him over and locking in the D-Tuner. The last shot we see in this match is an unconscious ConcreteTG locked into Firechilds finisher.

THE HALFRICAN AMERICANS vs. DRINK & DESTROY

Nayr and Fly “bounce” to the ring first, followed by Spin and Josh. After exchanging some threats, both teams retreat to their corners and spend the next several minutes removing bling / D&D merchandise. Fortunately, the ring crew thought ahead and left a wheelbarrow in each team’s corner. Once everyone is dressed for the match, Spin and Nayr start out. Nayr ducks a lockup and playfully slaps Spin as he turns around. Bad idea. Nayr ducks a second lockup and slaps him again and new there is honest-to-goodness steam coming out of Spin’s ears. Spin doesn’t bother with tying up this time, and simply steamrolls Nayr. A couple of stomps and a body slam, and Spin makes the tag. D&D sling Nayr to the ropes and hit a tandem back drop that nearly sends Nayr out of the ring. Josh picks him up and throws him into the corner. He hits a series of body shots that lift Nayr off the ground, then whips him to the opposite corner and follows him in.
Nayr runs full speed into the corner and up the turnbuckles into a back flip. He catches Josh on the way down and hits a wicked reverse DDT. Nayr crawls to his corner, but is caught by Spin before he can tag. Spin drags Nayr to the D&D corner before being forced out of the ring by referee Angelo Barros. Nayr heads for his corner again, and lunges for the tag, only to be brought up short by Josh, who pulls Nayr to his feet and nails the Osaka Street Cutter. Josh makes a cover but Fly is in with the Flava Drop, breaking the pin and sending Josh rolling to the outside to clear his head. Fly hits the opposite ropes and nails Josh on the outside with a beautiful springboard plancha. Josh is driven into the barrier in front of two bearded men in cowboy hats. Fly rolls right to his feet and slides back into the ring, catching Spin with a spear as he goes after Nayr. Fly doesn’t have the size for that kind of move, but his momentum, combined with Spin’s, is enough to take the big man down. By this point, Nayr has reached his corner but has no one to tag. Fly catches Barros’ attention and goes to his corner, makes the tag, and re-enters the ring. He goes right to the ropes and springs onto Josh who has, unfortunately, regained enough composure to catch Fly in mid air. Josh turns and drops Fly throat first o the barrier in front of the Cowboys. Both men offer Josh a simultaneous high five and when he obliges, they pull him against the barrier and hit him with stereo punches to the face. Barros, of course, sees none of this as he’s tied up with Fly and Spin. Josh stumbles back, out on his feet, and the Cowboys hop the railing. One climbs up on the apron while the other hoists Josh. Pound of Flesh!! The The New Original New Classic Blackjacks 2000 throw Josh into the ring and get back to their seats at the same convenient moment that Barros turns around. Fly springs to the top, hits the Flava Drop, and covers. Spin attempts to break it up, but Nayr manages to grab his leg and keep him on the outside. Barros counts, One…Two..Three.
WINNERS in 16:38, The Halfrican Americans.

After the match, Spin grabs Nayr for a choke slam, but is stopped by The New Original New Classic Blackjacks 2000,who give him the same treatment as Josh. Stank and Capslock join the Halfricans in the ring and raise their hands, then all four men head up the aisle together, with Fly prattling on about real recognizing real, as Capslock nods and Stank rolls his eyes.

AX-MAN vs. CANADIAN DRAGON

Nose to nose to start things, and Ax offers a handshake. Dragon takes it, and Ax looks for a short clothesline, but Dragon ducks and hit’s a Dragon suplex right off the bat. One, two, and Ax kicks out… barely. CD looks for the CANADIAN DESTROYER, but Ax grabs the ropes to block, and backdrops Dragon over. But CD lands on the apron, runs the apron to the top rope and hits a missile dropkick. Vertical suplex, and another, and a third. Dragon looks for a Sharpshooter, but Ax cradles him for two. Ax gets a drop toehold and a half crab, but Dragon makes the ropes. Ax breaks and tries to drag Dragon back to the middle, but Dragon gets on his other foot and hits an énziguri. Dragon grabs a half nelson clutch, but Ax sends him to the floor before he can cinch it in. Ax slingshots over the top with a plancha. Ax with a suplex on the floor, but Dragon blocks and hit’s a gourd buster instead. CD breaks the count and rolls back out and catapults Ax to the post, and Ax comes up bleeding. Ax pulls himself into the ring, and CD is waiting for him. Ax begs off to the corner as Dragon stalks him. With Ax in the ropes, Junior Hale tries to keep Dragon at bay, but CD trudges ahead. Hale pulls him back, and that allows Ax to kick Dragon low behind the ref’s back. Ax then clips the knee to really gain an advantage. A bloody Ax stomps away at the knee, then hits a dragon screw. Ax works the leg, then drapes it on the ropes, stomping on it. Ax drags Dragon back again, and CD looks to kick Ax in the head again, but Ax ducks, steps over and segues right into the FIGURE FOUR, dead center of the ring. Dragon tries to bounce over to the ropes, but Ax ain’t having any of that. Dragon fights it, and manages to turn the hold over though, and Ax breaks. Both men up, and Dragon charges, but Ax sweeps the leg. Ax sets Dragon on the top rope and looks for a superplex. Dragon blocks though and looks like he’s gonna superplex Ax to the floor. Dragon has no leverage however and can’t do it. Junior Hale applies a count and tries to get Ax down and has to step between them. That allows Dragon to nail Ax with a closed fist, sending Ax to the canvas. Dragon looks for the DRAGONSAULT, but can’t put enough weight on the leg to get the lift and sits back down. Ax is able to get back up and climb up again and look for another superplex. Dragon fights it though and they trade fists, culminating in BOTH guys flying off the top rope and THRU THE CHINESE ANNOUNCE TABLE~! Neither man is moving. Hale starts a count, gets to four, sees the wreckage, and speeds up the count to get a quick ten count to end the match.
WINNER in 16:33: NO CONTEST

ERIC O’MAC vs. SERAPH

The pair go for a lockup but Eric avoids Seraph and simply pokes him in the eye. While Seraph is unable to see Eric drops him with a sweep. Somersault leg drop follow up misses and Seraph kills him with a stiff kick to the chest. Pulling EOM to his feet, Seraph fakes an Irish whip and pulls EOM back into an elbow to the jaw. Seraph puts the boots to EOM then blatantly chokes him until the ref admonishes him. Seraph diverts his attention back to EOM, but when he grabs EOM by the hair EOM grabs him and dumps him hard to the floor. EOM rolls out and drives Seraph into the barricade back first. Tossing Seraph back into the ring, he lands a sling shot elbow to the small of the back for 2. EOM works the back over with a few stomps then front suplexes Seraph across the ropes. Dropkick to the back flips Seraph back into the ring and EOM hits a standing Moonsault for another near fall. EOM jaw jacks with the ref and Seraph catches him off guard with a jaw breaker and a pair of clotheslines. EOM bails to the outside and retrieves his cell phone. Seraph slides out after him and EOM rolls back into the ring and hides behind the ref, informing Seraph that this is an important call. Seraph shoves the ref out of the way and EOM gives him a low blow. EOM dominates from here with kicks and chops and the occasional choke. Seraph fights back but EOM goes low with a drop kick then nails him with a brain buster. EOM up to for a Frog Splash, but takes too much time show boating and telling whomever is on the phone to “watch this.” Seraph recovers and crotches him up top. Open hand palm strike stuns EOM and Seraph hits the superplex for a long two count. They get to their feet at 8 and start slugging it out. Eric gets the better of the exchange with a hard kick to the knee. SERAPH to the ropes and tries a whip across the ring, but SERAPH reverses it and sends EOM in. SERAPH tries a clothesline, but Eric ducks it and hits the opposite ropes, SERAPH tries a hip toss but EOM flips through it and lands on his feet, turns and tries a spinning heel kick, SERAPH ducks and grabs EOM in a full nelson for a dragon suplex, but EOM arm drags free and attempts an arm bar of sorts but Seraph rolls through with it and pulls EOM into a gargantuan belly-to-belly suplex. Seraph goes for the Propitation~!!! But EOM kills him with a jumping spin kick out of nowhere. He then rolls him up in a small package and hooks one of his own legs around the bottom rope outside of the ref’s view to keep Seraph down for the three.
WINNER in 15:27 – Eric O’Mac

THIM REYNOLDS vs. SRIRAM – Onslaught Championship Match

Remember that heel vs. heel NEVER works? Well, they decide to go with it anyway - Referee Junior Hale call for the bell and it is ON LIKE A CINCINATTI BENGAL ON AN APB! We have waived the fifteen minute time limit for this one! Let ‘em at it!

They circle, lock up in center ring – Thim throws a forearm shot to the head, headlock on Sriram, transitions to a chicken wing, but Sriram counters out, goes for a hammerlock on Thim, who backs Sriram into a corner. Junior calls for the break, both men start to warily separate, Thim tries a cheap back elbow at the same time Sriram hits Thim in the back of the head with a rabbit punch, and both men connect! Thim gets out of dodge, rubbing the back of his neck, but Sriram stays in the corner, having taken Thim’s elbow right above the eye! Thim looks at Sriram and lays down some smack talk, ending with “get over here, BITCH!” Sriram keeps his cool, takes a couple of steps out, and when Thim sets up for the collar and elbow, Sriram suddenly levels him with a clothesline! Thim gets to one knee, but Sriram is there with a low dropkick to the knee, and Thim is down again! Sriram is up fast, drops a knee on Thim's head, then spins off and grabs Thim’s legs for the Citizen Erased! Before he can lock it on, Thim kicks him off, and staggers to his feet. Sriram closes in, Thim hits a surprise arm drag, but hangs on to the arm and goes for The Adjustment! Again Sriram counters out, kicks Thim behind the knee and looks to lock in a rear naked choke, but Thim reach down, grabs Sriram’s foot and trips him up, and goes for the Reflex-o-lock – AGAIN Sriram counters, kicking Thim right in the head. Both men up, Thim with a European uppercut, Sriram with a chop to the chest. Thim grabs Sriram behind the head and fires off two hard forearms, but Sriram backs up only a step, grabs Thim behind the head and drives a knee right into Reynolds’ ribs! Sriram tries for a second Muy Thai knee, but Thim waist locks him, and hit an overhead throw – amazingly, Sriram lands on his feet, grabs Thim from behind, rushes him to the ropes and then goes for a roll-up, Thim powers out, catches Sriram charging back in and arm-drags the man from India right out of his boots! Both men are up and on guard – the crowd is eating this ***** work-rate up!

“THI-IM REY-NOLDS” THI-IM REY-NOLDS

Thim suddenly looks at the crowd and screams “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU EGG SUCKING PRAGS!” Drawing boos and a change in heart from the crowd….

“LETS GO SRIRAM! “LETS GO SRIRAM”

Sriram looks at the crowd, almost looks like he is going to acknowledge their cheers, and then gives them a blow-off hand gesture.

Confused, the crowd mumbles for a second……

“LETS GO JUNIOR, LETS GO! LETS GO JUNIOR LETS GO!”
Your referee takes a moment to soak up the adoration of the crowd, even throwing in a momentary double bicep, drawing more cheers!

Sriram looks disgusted and moves toward Gavin to stop the nonsense, when he is cut off by Thim and the two grapplers go at it again where they left off! Sriram is focusing on Thim’s back and legs, while Thim takes every opportunity to punish Sriram’s neck and shoulder. It looks like both men are trying to set up for their pet submission hold! Soon Thim’s has a noticeable bruise on his legs, and is starting to slow down, moving with a limp. Sriram shoots for a double leg takedown, but Thim avoids it and lands an elbow smash across Sriram’s neck, putting his full weight behind the blow! Thim picks up Sriram, locks in nerve pinch and sets up for the Waking Nightmare – but amazingly, Sriram ducks the clothesline, and German suplexes the heavier opponent! Both men are down, the ref has started the count. At 5, Sriram is up and climbs the turnbuckles, going to the top rope. He takes a second too long, as Thim is up at 7, staggers into the ropes, causing Sriram to crotch himself on the top turnbuckle. Thim is there before Sriram can recover, stuns him with a hard right hand, them DDTs him off the top rope! It is pretty much academic as Thim locks on The Adjustment – Referee Hale checks Sriram’s arm Once…. Twice….SRIRAM’S HAND STAYS UP ON THE THIRD DROP! Thim is absolutely LIVID, and leans his full weight into The Adjustment, keeping Sriram just inches from the rope. Sriram struggles, reaches, and passes out JUST before he can reach the rope! The crowd is STILL eating this up, Thim rolls out of the ring, flips off the crowd and limps toward the back….
WINNER in 26:44 – THIM REYNOLDS!

KZ & THE CHICKENSHIT HEELS vs. THE TEAM FROM DOWN UNDER & WCW

It’s Westgaard to start things for the faces, while the heels play eenie, meenie, miney, mo to decide who starts. Moose and Williams simply step to the apron, leaving it up to Johnny and Alan to figure things out. Johnny volunteers to go, and Alan asks Moose and Williams about their loyalties. LDW says they will act as TCH’s bodyguards for this match. As AA and JA have words with their partners, Westgaard jumps Johnny from behind. JWW beats down JA in the corner, whip to the other corner, and both OBJ and GB pound on JA illegally. Westgaard with an avalanche and tags in Wilder. Tommy in and he kicks on JA a little bit, then gets a flipping neck breaker. Tag to Gator, who comes in with the SEAN-TON BOMB~! But Johnny moves and tags in AA. Capps in with a suplex, then chokes him out. Mel Creech gets a break, surprisingly, then Capps pulls Gator up and looks for the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT~! But Gator backdrops out, drops a quick elbow and tags in OBJ. Jack in with a leg drop, then a power slam. Tag back to Gator, and Jack holds AA for a super kick from Gator. Cover gets two. Tag back to Tommy. Wilder in with a somersault leg drop. To the corner, but Capps moves, and Tommy flies into the post. Capps crawls over to the corner to tag out, but suddenly, Williams hops up on the apron and tags himself in before AA can get to Johnny. LDW in and hits a Samoan drop off the middle rope, and then German suplexes Wilder straight off the mat. Williams pulls Tommy up by the hair, taunts the Aussies for a moment, then tosses him into the heel corner. Williams follows in, but then Johnny tags himself in. LDW stares a hole in Johnny, but JA is in with some punches. Big knee lift takes Tommy back down, and Johnny bounces to the ropes to follow up, but Moose blind tags in. MHJ pulls Tommy up by the hair and hits him with a standing lariat. Moose blatantly takes a sucker punch at OBJ, drawing Gator in. Creech takes GB back to the corner, allowing Williams back in and a double team gut buster by KZ. Moose with an inverted suplex and tags out to LDW. L.D. back in and looks for the STF. Wilder struggles to the ropes before Williams can lock in the hold. LDW pulls him up, and looks for an Irish whip to the corner, but Tommy reverses and Williams hit’s the turnbuckle hard. LDW falls back and they knock heads. Williams crawls for the wrong corner as Wilder inches toward his. Johnny runs around the ring and pulls Gator off the apron to stop that tag, forcing Wilder to crawl further. Moose hops in the ring and knocks OBJ off the apron, but AA runs out of breath running around the ring to get to Westgaard, and Wilder makes the hot tag. Westgaard in and beats the hell out of Williams. To the ropes and a big clothesline turns Williams inside out. Johnny up and in, but JWW sidesteps him and tosses him over the top rope. But JWW turns right around into the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT~! Capps drags Williams on top. One, two… but Westgaard kicks out. AA can’t believe it and has words for Creech, allowing TFDU to sneak in… CALL OF THE WILD~! But the Aussies aren’t legal, and Creech tries to get them out. Moose sneaks in with a HEART PUNCH on Westgaard and LDW makes another cover. One, two… but this time Wilder pulls the referee out of the ring. Moose is pissed, and with Creech on the floor, Gator is back in with the CHOMP~! Moose is dead! Johnny slides in though and clotheslines Gator to the floor. OBJ looks for the BOOMERANG on AA, but Williams charges, and Jack hits the deck, causing LDW to tackle AA thru the ropes. Williams shrugs it off, and takes OBJ down with a cross face. Jack rolls out of it though and sends Williams to the ropes, and LDW collides with Johnny on the apron. Williams staggers back to the middle of the ring and Westgaard nails him with the CROSSCHECK~! Wilder hits the AIRWALK~! JWW covers as OBJ knocks Moose to the floor. One, two, three.
WINNERS in 17:07: wCw & THE TEAM FROM DOWN UNDER

UNDERDAWG & CAPELLAN vs. 3PIECE SET

3Piece Set come to the ring first and do their usual preening and sneering at the audience. Capellan is announced next and he appears at the top of the ramp and charges into the ring, slides under the bottom rope, and gets to his feet, 3Piece Set charge at him, but Capellan bails, Cole and Alt hit the ropes and rebound….right into a double goozle by UnderDawg! Where did he come from!?!?!?! Capellan leaps to the top rope and UD shoves Alt in his direction, Cap leaps off the top rope and takes Alt over the top rope with a hurricarana, while UD choke slams Cole and sends him scurrying under the bottom rope as well. As 3Piece Set get to their feet, Capellan hits the ropes and leaps over the top and takes them both out with a spinning corkscrew plancha. UnderDawg steps over the top rope and jumps to the floor, pulls Cole to his feet and hits a series if upper cuts to the throat that send the Champ staggering. Capellan pulls Alt to his feet and whips him hard into the steel stairs then follows him in with a flying knee to the side of the head. By now, UD and Cole are at the top of the ramp, UD pulls Cole up for a Fireplug Driver, but Cole slithers over his shoulder and shoves the big dog, UD teeters at the edge of the stage for a moment, then Cole grabs a chair and smacks it across Dawg’s face! Dawg falls off the stage and crashes through a table below! Cole raises his arms in celebration, then looks over the edge of the stage for UD’s remains, suddenly, Dawg’s hand shoots up and grabs Cole by the throat and yanks him off the stage down into the table wreckage! At ringside Capellan has Alt up again, but before he can do anything, Alt rakes his eyes, then grabs a chair. Alt swings wildly for Cap’s head, but misses and slams the chair into the steel ring post. Capellan moves out of the way and snatches the Trik’d Owt Tytle from Sugar, waits for Alt to turn around then SLAMS him in the face with the belt. Alt goes down in a bloody heap. Cap falls on top of him and pounds away until officials race from the back and break them up. Officials also get to the table wreckage and see UD has Cole up for a Fireplug Driver, they try to convince him not to hit the move, but Dawg’s eyes roll back in his head and he drops to th2 concrete. This match never had a chance.
WINNERS – No Contest

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