OOWF MidWeek Mayhem/Imperial Onslaught
Live! From Gas City, Indiana
OUTBACK JACK vs. DAVIN MORELANDThis is the first match in our mini tournament for a shot at OOWF world heavyweight champion Stank. OOWF Onslaught champion Davin Moreland is announced first and he comes to the ring with the title belt around his waist and his various sponsorship products strategically placed for maximum exposure. He climbs between the ropes, slams his iced coffee and gives the cheesy thumbs up and grin. Outback Jack is announced next and he comes to the ring drinking a Fosters, as he passes the camera he pauses, slams the Fosters, belches, then gives a big thumbs up. Is he being genuine, or is he mocking Moreland? Hmmmm. Jack continues to the ring and climbs between the ropes, the two men meet in the center of the ring to get the referee’s instructions. This match will be fought under normal OOWF rules, and neither man’s title is on the line. Jack and Moreland bump knuckles and the referee calls for the bell, this one is underway! Both men slowly circle and are about to lock up when Jack puts up his hands and tells Moreland to wait a second. OBJ rolls out of the ring and rummages under the ring for a moment, then comes back in with a framed picture and hands it to him. Davin looks at it, and he is stunned. Wide eyed and slack jawed Davin falls to his knees and looks up to the heavens and bellows WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??? Jack hits the ropes and catches Moreland with a kick to the back of the head. Moreland hits the mat and we see the picture was of Tom Brady wearing a Yankees hat! OH THE HUMANITY!!! Jack pulls Moreland up and whips him into the corner and charges in and catches him with a high knee to the side of the head. Jack grabs Moreland in a side head lock and tries a bull dog, but Moreland throws him off. Jack gets to his feet and he and Moreland lock up Moreland gets a knee to the mid section, but when he pulls Jack to his feet for a slam, Jack responds with a poke to the eye, then bounds off the ropes and takes Moreland to the mat with a clothesline. Jack drops a leg across the back of Moreland’s head and gets a two count. Both men are to their feet quickly, Jack hits the ropes for another clothesline, but Moreland gets a boot to the face Jack doesn’t go down, so Moreland hits the ropes and nails a SPEAR on OBJ that sends him out of the ring. Jack regains his composure on the mat on the outside and gets to the apron, Moreland catches him and tries a suplex to the inside, but Jack slips over his shoulder and tries to break Moreland down for the STF but Moreland fights it off and grabs the ropes, he slips under Jack and lifts him on his shoulders, but Jack slips off his shoulders, Moreland spins around a tries the REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER, but Jack pushes him off to the ropes and goes for a clothesline but Moreland slips behind him and grabs Jack for a Dragon Suplex, but Jack slips straight down and rolls Moreland up but only gets a two count, both men are to their feet and Jack sends Moreland into the corner, Jack charges and Moreland side steps, Jack slams chest first into the corner and staggers backward, Moreland tries a clothesline but Jack catches his arm and hits a float over DDT and locks on the STF! Moreland will not tap out! Jack hooks Moreland’s arm so it is more like a Rings of Saturn and pulls back, Moreland nearly makes it to the ropes but Jack releases the hold, pulls Moreland back into the center of the ring and reapplies the hold, sensing it might be wiser not to risk injury and cost him his title, Moreland taps out.
WINNER in 26:12 – Outback Jack
<Before we head to the ring we cut to the BFF locker room where we see Harris and Alt playing Don’t Break The Ice, both men are locked into intense stares of concentration as Harris tries to carefully hammer out a block of ice. He hits it just a bit too hard and all the ice blocks fall. Alt jumps to his feet in celebration>
CA: I AM THE DON’T BREAK THE ICE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!
HH: That you are buddy! I will get you back later when we play Ants in the Pants, remember I am up 4 games to 2!
CA: You got it BFF!
HH: YEAH!
<The two share a jumping high five and somehow freeze in mid air and give a thumbs up for a second then come back to earth>
HH: Ok serious for a minute, tonight, we could be responsible for two men leaving the OOWF forever. Is that something you can live with?
CA: Is it still Adrenaline and AA that will be leaving?
HH: Yeah
CA: Then HECK yes I can live with it!
HH: ALLRIGHT!
<another inexplicable high five>
<There is a knock at the door and a stage hand pokes his head in the door>
Stage Hand: Ok guys, five minutes until your match
HH: Hey remember the guy on the Muppet Show that used to always call the guys to get ready?
CA: Yeah, wasn’t his name Scooter or something?
HH: WE should totally start calling that guy Scooter!
CA: WE SHOULD!!
HH: Ok we gotta go, grab the titles and let’s head to the ring.
CA: I don’t have the titles
HH: What do you mean you don’t have the titles?
CA: I don’t have them, I thought you had them!
HH: I don’t have them, I thought you had them!
CA: This sounds like a mystery for the HARDY BOYS!
<Jeff Hardy flips into the room and lands on his head nearly breaking his neck, Matt follows but no one really notices because he is a black hole of charismatic suck>
JH: YOU CALLED US?
HH: WHOAH! No not you guys, those other Hardy’s, but thanks for coming!
<The Hardyz leave>
CA: This totally sounds like a job for Scooby and the Gang!
HH: Remind me to call them when we get back, I have a hunch it was Mean Old Mister Jenkins
CA: SAY! He WAS giving us the ‘Ol Evil Eye earlier!
<The BFF leave their locker room and head to the ring without their titles>
BFF vs. THE CHICKENSHIT HEELS – OOWF World Tag Team Title MatchThe Chickenshit Heels make their way to the ring, they appear to be all business here, and they should be, after losing their tag titles to a mysterious masked team for the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW at Hell On Earth III. The BFF come to the top of the ramp and pump up the crowd, both men then pull out scooters and cruise to the ring slapping hands the whole way. They hop on the apron and celebrate with the crowd, then climb in the ring and climb to the turnbuckles and egg the crowd on, which gives Johnny and AA the chance to attack. Johnny pulls HH down from the apron and chops him in the corner, AA pulls Alt down and puts up his dukes and peppers Alt with shots to the mouth. TCH both try to whip the BFF into each other but they stop before colliding and play rock, paper, scissor, it appears that Harris wins. The BFF turn around and charge back to the corner and monkey flip both members of TCH to the middle of the ring. We finally get it down to your basic one on one wrestling action for a bit. The BFF keep the advantage for a bit, but a rake to the eyes and a hot shot on the top rope changes all that as TCH take over. TCH run through the heel bag of tricks to keep the advantage and get several near falls on the BFF but can’t quite put them away. Finally after several minutes of back and fort action a wild four way melee ensues and AA grabs Hardbody Harris and throws him over the top rope to the floor, when he gets to his feet AA leaps off the apron and catches him with a double axe handle right between the eyes. Inside the ring, Chris Alt lifts Johnny in a fireman’s carry, but Johnny slips over his shoulder, drops to his knees, quick glance to make sure the ref is paying attention to Harris and AA, then low blows Alt in the family jewels doubling him over in pain. Johnny gets a couple well placed kicks to the head in, then pulls Alt to his feet, hauls him up ADRENALINE RUSH! Johnny covers, but during the move, AA made the blind tag! The referee tells Johnny he is not the legal man in the ring, and AA pulls him off of Alt and AA covers, one, two, NO Johnny pulls AA off of Alt and he makes the cover, even though he is clearly not the legal man anymore. AA pulls him back off of Alt and the Chickenshit Heels go nose to nose in the center of the ring arguing over who should get the pin! While they are arguing with each other, Hardbody Harris comes back into the ring and grabs both of them and slams their heads together. AA falls to the mat and rolls under the ropes and pulls himself to his feet on the apron. Inside the ring, Johnny staggers and Harris approaches, but Johnny stops him with a poke to the eye and tries to whip Harris to the ropes, but Harris reverses the whip and sends Johnny to the ropes and he catches AA in the head with an elbow that sends AA crashing back to the apron, holding on to the top rope for dear life. Johnny rebounds off the ropes and ducks a Harris clothesline, then puts on the breaks and turns around and charges at Harris, but Harris side steps and pushes Johnny to the ropes where AA is holding on for dear life, intentionally or not, AA low bridges Johnny and he flips over the top rope and hits the floor HARD! AA is still holding on to the rope for dear life, this time with both hands, and the BFF catapult him into the ring, then when AA gets to his feet, they hit a double dropkick that sends AA over the top rope and crashing to the floor right next to Adrenaline. The Chickenshit Heels both slowly get to their feet and AA grabs Johnny to say something to him, but Johnny smacks his arm away and screams something at AA! AA gets pissed in a hurry and yells something right back! Inside the ring the BFF take a few steps back and enjoy the argument as it gets more and more heated. The ringside mic picks something up about being a fatass with a gambling problem, and something about being a hack scratch golfer. Them’s fightin words! Sure enough Johnny puts up his hands to calm things down and turns to walk away, but AA grabs him and spins him around and Johnny decks him with a right to the jaw!!! AA responds and The Chickenshit Heels battle each other around the ring! They throw everything that is not nailed down at each other, and the fight spills up the ramp toward the back. Inside the ring, the BFF look at the referee and he leaves and tries to get The Chickenshit Heels to come back to the ring, but they ignore him completely. They keep fighting and clawing at each other so the referee runs back to the ring and starts the ten count. The referee hits ten and calls for the bell.
WINNERS by count out in 17:49 and STILL OOWF World Tag Team Champions, The BFF! As a result of this decision, the Chickenshit Heels MUST leave the OOWF FOREVER!
At this Johnny and AA stop fighting for a minute and look stunned, they stare at the BFF in disbelief, then yell at the crowd as they start the NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA HEY HEY HEY GOOOD-BYE chant. Finally Johnny looks at AA and waves him off and turns and storms to the back. AA doesn’t move for a minute, instead he stays and stares at the crowd, then he too throws his hands in disgust and walks to the back.
IMPERIAL ONSLAUGHTRules are as follows: There are a total of 20 entrants in the match, all of whom have randomly drawn a number. The men who have drawn 1 and 2 will begin the match. Every two minutes, another man enters. Elimination occurs when a wrestler is tossed over the top rope and to the floor. After all 20 participants have entered the match, once the field is whittled down to the final four, the Hell in the Cell cage descends from the ceiling and Ultimate Onslaught begins. In Ultimate Onslaught, eliminations take place by either pin fall or submission. The sole survivor will be declared the victor and will receive an OOWF Title shot.
Lucios draws #1 and awaits his first challenger, and his tag team partner Phantos has drawn #2! It’s every man for himself and P&L respect those rules and have at it at the bell. Lucios gains the upper hand with his size, but Phantos slithers out of the corner and pops his partner with a super kick. Lucios is stunned by that one, and Phantos hits a spinning heel kick that takes Lucios over the top, but Lucios hangs on and slides back in. Lucios smiles and claps for his partner, but then clotheslines him out of nowhere. He tries to dump Phantos, but Phantos hooks the ropes with his feet as the buzzer sounds for #3. And it’s El Voltaje. Lucios quickly frees Phantos to prepare for Voltaje and Volt stalls. Phantos jaws with him a little from the ring, and while Volt talks back at him, Lucios sneaks around the ring, grabs Volt and tosses him in. Phantos puts the boots to him and Lucios rolls back in and helps out. To the ropes, double flapjack. Voltaje tries to crawl for the ropes, but Lucios drags him right back. P&L pull him up and take turns punching him, and Volt finally falls flat on his face. But as they pick him up to toss him, the buzzer sounds for #4 and its Spin Hansen. SH hits the ring and goes after Lucios, allowing Volt to elbow Phantos away. Hansen kicks away in the corner, but Lucios fights back and we get a slug out. Hansen misses a big right, and Lucios hits him with an atomic drop. Meanwhile, Volt chokes out Phantos at the ropes. Lucios tries to dump Hansen, but Spin manages to leverage himself with the middle rope to block. Lucios finally gives up and goes to assist Phantos. The buzzer sounds for #5 and the crowd pops big as Capellan comes thru the curtain. Cap enters the ring, kicks Hansen while he’s down, and as Voltaje tries to get away from Lucios, he backs right into Capellan, and Cap tosses him over the top and to the floor. Hansen clips Cap from behind and looks to take him out, but Phantos makes the save. Phantos and Hansen tangle, and Lucios sneaks up to try and take Cap out himself, but Cap, dangling upside down over the ropes, kicks Lucios right in the face, and Lucios comes up bleeding hard way. Cap frees himself, and Lucios saves Phantos from being dumped by Hansen as the buzzer sounds for #6.
And it’s F. Fonzworth Cappington III. Yapping with the fans the whole way to the ring, FFC3 takes his time getting to the ring, and gets dropkicked off the apron by Capellan when he finally does try to get in. P&L double team Hansen some more, but can’t succeed in getting him over the top rope. Cap goes to the floor to take it to FFC3, but Cappington low blows him and leaves him lying in the aisle. FFC3 goes in and yanks Phantos away from Hansen and slugs away at him, adjusting his tie between punches, allowing Phantos to hit him with an enziguri, which FFC3 sells like he’s been shot. #7 is up and it’s Ecosistema. Eco stops in the aisle to kick Cap in the gut then proceeds on in. Eco jumps Phantos from behind and pounds away. Lucios finally beats Hansen to the mat, and Spin bails to the floor. Eco goes to the top to nail Phantos like a dumbass, and Lucios casually just shoves him off and to the floor. Hansen goes and grabs Cap and brings him back in, then tries to eliminate him immediately. P&L come over to make the save and Hansen has to fight them off again as the buzzer sounds for #8: The Knife. Knife hits anything that moves, then focuses on Phantos. FFC3 finally staggers up and helps Knife try to put Phantos out, but Cap is over to repay the favor for Phantos. Cap and FFC have it out again, this time Cap catches the low blow kick and clotheslines him down. Phantos has Knife ready to go out, but Knife manages to shift his weight around and snap Phantos’ throat off the top rope, and Phantos walks into a HUGE lariat from Hansen. We lose the feed for a few seconds – damn cheap ass satellites – and when we get back, it’s time for #9 and the crowd boos the hell out of Moosehead Jack as he calmly steps from behind the curtain and takes his time getting to the ring. P&L are trying to dump Hansen, but Moose slips in quickly from behind and dumps them both over the top. Phantos hits the floor, but Lucios holds on and slides back in. Moose calmly begs off and Lucios stalks him back to the corner, but before Lucios can get his hands on him, Hansen returns the favor by clothes lining Lucios from behind and over the top and to the floor.
Hansen and Moose drag Cappington off of Capellan and look to put the beats on him themselves. And everyone takes turns kicking the crap out of Cap, until Knife shoots back in and jumps in the fray. Knife and FFC3 have at it, but that allows Moose and Hansen to isolate Capellan, but they turn as the buzzer sounds for #10. And it’s Apocalyptic Existence. The big man makes his way to the ring and MHJ and Hansen go after AE. AE fights both guys off momentarily, but the numbers finally get the best of him. Hansen pounds him down and they immediately look to dump him. But AE fights his way out of that and nails Hansen with the big boot. AE presses Moose overhead, but MHJ rakes the eyes and turns that into a DDT. FFC3 chokes Knife out in the corner, but Cap gets back in it and tries to dump Cappington. However, Voltage jumps the gun for #11 and hits the ring before the buzzer and makes the save for FFC3 and kicks the hell out of Capellan. On the other side of the ring, Spin and Moose use a blatant low blow to gain the advantage and then toss AE to a smattering of boos. SH and MHJ turn their attentions to FFC3 and Voltage and casually watch them beat the shit out of Capellan. Cappington and Voltage finally look to Moose and Spin and we get a stare down and exchange of ideas. A shoving match breaks out, but Cap and Knife suddenly fly in and take everyone down! It’s breaking loose in Tulsa!! Cap and Knife kick everything that moves. Knife with a hotshot to Voltage and Cap with a flying forearm for Moose. DDT to FFC3 and Cap with a cradle pile driver on Hansen. Cap and Knife double clothesline Cappington over and out!! Cap and Knife go after Hansen, but Moose drags Capellan away. HEART PUNCH, but Cap sidestep it and dropkicks Moose the corner. The buzzer sounds for #12 and L.D. Williams hits the ring, bailing out Moose from potential elimination by going right after Capellan. Knife can’t dump Hansen alone, and Voltage sneaks up from behind and dumps Knife instead! Williams puts the beats on Capellan, but Cap fights back, and the rest of the wolves jump on him and it’s 4 on 1. Like a slut at a frat party, everyone gets a turn and Cap is just bumping like a madman. LDW finally just says to hell with it and goes to lock on the STF, but the lights go out as the buzzer sounds for #13…
The Onslaughtron lights up with the word HARDCORE flashing, strobe light style, interspersed with a fuzzy shot of a figure crashing thru a stack of glass tables, porn star Lauren Phoenix in the middle of an orgasm, a bloody figure on the floor, and a variety of other lewd, and censored) acts from Ms. Phoenix. A pyro display goes off, and the lights slowly begin to come back on and F. Fonzworth Cappington III is back out as he introduces Ryan Hardcore, apparently his latest meal ticket. Hardcore, a slender, greasy haired, Latino looking fellow with tattoos all over him, is accompanied to the ring by Ms. Phoenix herself. Voltage applauds from the ring as Moose and Hansen look on in slight disgust. Volt tries to hold the ropes for Hardcore, but RH back flips from the apron into the ring, as FFC3 shows his appreciation. Voltage and Hardcore see MHJ and SH looking on annoyed and then they start to brawl. Williams, no longer distracted, goes back after Cap, but Cap monkey flips him. Capellan charges but eats turnbuckle and Williams hits a German suplex. Spin and Moose grab Voltage and work him over, allowing Hardcore to go to the floor and grab a table. But before Hardcore can do anything with the table, the buzzer goes off and #14 is Concrete TG!! Concrete rushes the ring, lays out RH on the floor, then fends off Cappington who tries to jump him from behind. CTG storms the ring, sucker punches Williams, and goes right after Moose. Lefts and rights, we have a slug out, and Crete just pummels MHJ down in the corner. Voltage stumbles back over and eats a CEMENT MIXER for his troubles. Hansen nails Crete from behind but CTG fights back and nails him with a shining wizard. LDW tries to reengage, but Cap cuts him off at the pass, and Crete backdrops Hansen over the top and to the floor. Moose tries the HEART PUNCH, but CTG grabs his arm and short clotheslines him down. Hardcore slips back in with the table, sets it up and places Williams on it, but the subsequent moonsault eats nothing but wood, and Voltage jumps LDW before he can follow up. DRAGON KICK for Moose, and Moose sells it a la Terry Funk with the spinning walk around the ring, and Crete uses his own momentum against him and tosses MHJ over and out!! Voltage jumps Cap from behind and looks to take him out, and Hardcore is back in it and takes down CTG. Williams looks to help Voltage dump Capellan, but the buzzer sounds and #15 is Donovan Viper!!
Viper hits the ring, bails out his partner and opens up on everybody, even taking a shot at CTG. Viper peppers Voltage and Hardcore with lefts and rights and Voltage eats SIDEWINDER~! LDW takes Viper down from behind and looks for the STF, but Viper rolls out of it and kicks Williams in the face. Phoenix slides RH a chair and Hardcore goes off with it. Down goes Viper. Down goes Capellan. And down goes CTG with a STIFF baseball bat like shot to the face. Hardcore takes a piece of the broken table and drives it into Capellan’s shoulder, drawing all sorts of blood. Williams ties Crete up in the ropes and kicks the hell out of him, and Hardcore comes over with a running, dropkick with the chair to Crete’s face. Hardcore looks to DDT Cap on the chair, but Viper clotheslines him down. Voltage staggers up and gets some more punishment from DV, but goes to the eyes to stop that. Buzzer sounds and #16 is J.W. Westgaard. JWW in and hits everything that moves, helps Capellan up in a nod to the old wCw days… then clotheslines him right back down, shrugging as if to say “every man for himself.” LDW untangles CTG and looks to beat him down some more, but Westgaard is over to slug it out with LDW too. Voltage tosses Viper, but DV easily crawls back in between the ropes. Hardcore grabs a bag of something from FFC3, but before we find out what it is, Capellan dropkicks him down to the corner, and the bag goes flying to the floor, and thumbtacks land all over the concrete on the nearside of the ring. Cap looks to drag RH up, but Hardcore rakes the eyes and takes Cap down in the corner. Baseball slide, but Cap pulls himself up with the ropes, and RH crotches himself on the post in a good spot. Crete and Williams have it out as the buzzer goes off and #17 is Canadian Dragon. CD jogs to the ring and hops up on the apron to climb in, grabbing the top rope at the same time that Crete and Williams get shoved toward the ropes by Viper, and both guys tumble right on out!! Crete and Williams are pissed, and then even more pissed when they see Dragon holding the rope. CD claims innocence, but then tells them “whoops,” and proceeds into the match. C&V with some double teaming on Voltage, and as Hardcore pulls himself up, Capellan kicks him in the balls again to a big pop. But before Cap can toss him, Westgaard blindsides him. Dragon kicks Viper in the back of the head, then hits a nice hurricanrana on JWW. Dragon tosses Capellan, but Cap holds on and slides back in. CD pops up but gets his legs taken out by Voltage. Catapult, but Dragon lands on the middle rope, hops to the top and hits a beautiful moonsault back onto Voltage. RH gingerly gets back to his feet and stomps Dragon a few times, but then Dragon gets a fireman’s carry takeover, and nails him with the CANADIAN DESTROYER ON THE CHAIR~! Hardcore’s earning his pay tonight as it’s time for #18.
And big pop for Firechild as he hits the ring. FC goes right after Voltage and they brawl in the corner. Meanwhile, Westgaard tried to dump Capellan, but Viper gets beneath JWW and lifts him onto his shoulders. DOOMSDAY DEVICE~! C&V drag JWW up and toss him with ease as Capellan shrugs his shoulders as if to say “every man for himself.” We get a three way fight between Volt, Firechild, and Dragon. Cap and Viper decide to have at it along with them and we get another nice brawl. This allows RH to enter the ring with a ladder and knock everybody down. Everybody’s down which means it’s a good time for #19… SYB. SYB slides in, but Cap and Viper immediately pop right up and hip toss him over the top and to the floor, right onto the thumbtacks, for the shortest time ever in Imperial Onslaught history. C&V then go right back to the mat and continue to sell the ladder as if nothing happened. Dragon sees the ladder and that gets him percolating. CD grabs the ladder, but FC dropkicks it back into his face. FC puts Dragon in the corner, then sandwiches the ladder in front of him… the FC whips Voltage HARD into the ladder, and everyone falls out of the corner. Voltage is on his hands and knees trying to get up, and FC sets the ladder on his back and uses Volt as a fulcrum to pivot the ladder right back into Dragon’s face. C&V then both pick up Hardcore and slam him on the other end of the ladder, causing the ladder to shoot back up at Dragon again. Voltage, however, grabs the end of the ladder and flips it forward, knocking Cap and Viper down. RH stumbles up and yells at FFC3 and Lauren for a table, and they set one up in the aisle. Hardcore grabs Viper and tosses him thru the ropes to the floor and FFC3 sets him on the table. Hardcore sets the ladder up in the ring and appears to be ready to both eliminate himself and take Viper out for good at the same time. But Firechild grabs Hardcore halfway up the ladder and hits an electric chair drop on him. Dragon knocks the ladder into FC, then quickly sets it back up as Viper rolls back in. The buzzer sounds for our final entrant, #20, Ecosystem, and suddenly, Cappington has his entire army in the ring. Dragon pulls FC up the ladder and looks for the CANADIAN DESTROYER OFF THE LADDER~! But Eco calmly hops in and shoves the ladder over, and both Dragon AND Firechild go tumbling hard over the top and THRU THE TABLE! And it’s down to Capellan & Viper vs. The Defenestrators and Ryan Hardcore in the Imperial Onslaught. Once we get one elimination, we will proceed to Ultimate Onslaught.
C&V look at each other, then rush their opponents, lefts and rights and kicks and forearms for all. High backdrop for Voltage, and Viper works over Eco in the corner. This allows RH to use the chair on Capellan from behind. Viper goes to bail Cap out and grabs the chair from RH. Voltage tries to dump Cap, but Cap headscissors him and takes him over!! But Voltage holds on and they punch at each other while hanging upside down on the ropes. Finally, Cap is able to push himself back over, but Eco immediately tosses him… but Capellan skins the cat back in! Eco charges again, but this time Capellan sidesteps him and tosses him, but Cappington is there to catch Eco, and he rolls Eco right back in. Voltage and Viper have it out as Capellan bitches at FFC3… and Hardcore sneaks back over with the ladder and WHACKS Capellan across the back of the head and Cap tumbles over and out to the floor! The bell sounds signifying the end of the battle royal stage and the cage begins to lower for Ultimate Onslaught, and it’s Viper against LOADED. The cage is set, a referee enters the cage, and we are set to go. Bell sounds again and Viper checks his surrounding, but then Hardcore inexplicably jumps Ecosystem from behind. He slaps on a Japanese arm bar and Eco taps instantly! So Voltage clips Hardcore from behind and schoolboys him and we get a three count! What the hell is going on? Viper looks around in confusion as Eco and RH leave the cage and Volt offers a handshake to Viper. DV reluctantly accepts it, and Voltage pulls Viper right down on top of him. One, two, three. And something fishy is going on here.
WINNER in 46:56: DONOVAN VIPER
Voltage immediately springs to his feet and leaves the cage leaving a confused Viper to stand in the center of the ring look around in stunned confusion as the referee raises his hand and the cage is once again raised. As the cage clears the ring, the members of LOADED, F. Fonzworth Cappington III, Ecosystem, Voltage and Ryan Hardcore all climb on the apron on opposite sides of the ring surrounding Viper. Donovan is trapped as Cappington steps into the ring. He approaches Viper and Viper gets ready for a fight, then he stops…..Cappington puts his arm out, and Viper does the same! What the hell? They share a manly hug in the center of the ring as the rest of LOADED climbs between the ropes and congratulates Donovan Viper! What is going on here?? Cappington hoists Viper onto his shoulders and they all point and laugh at the crowd. Viper sneers as Cappington puts him down. At the top of the ramp Capellan walks out and stares at Viper. Donovan finally sees him and just shrugs and goes back to celebrating. I cannot believe what I have just seen!
<we cut to the back where we see…….The Chickenshit Heels? They have their bags packed and slung over their shoulders and are headed to the exit talking very animatedly>
JA: Did you SEE the looks on the people’s faces!!
AA: I think some of them were crying!!
JA: and we got the HEY HEY HEY GOODBYE serenade!
AA: This will go down as the GREATEST swerve in OOWF history!
JA: Yeah, now that we are “fired” from the OOWF I can work on that scratch golf game of mine!
AA: Yeah! And I can lose weight and become a better gambler!
JA: So which one of us is coming back under a mask first?
AA: Well, if I did it, it would be pretty obvious, they would see my glorious abs and know it was me right away
JA: <pausing for a second> Yeah that is true! We can work on that later! Finally after over two years as the greatest team in OOWF History we get a vacation!
AA: Thanks to the most brilliant swerve in OOWF history!
JA: But what was with the count out? I thought one of us was supposed to get pinned?
AA: I know, I am gonna have to talk to that idiot referee, the line was over 18 minutes, I had five large on that, that dumbass cost my by counting us out ten seconds too early
<Johnny stops for a minute, AA takes a few more steps then turns around>
AA: What?
JA: You were putting money on our matches?
AA: Yeah, but it was always to win….
JA: I don’t care about that, why the hell didn’t you cut me in on the action?
AA: Well you are a baseball fan, and betting on your team, I thought you would be morally outraged and all….
JA: DUDE I cheer for a team that mocks Native Americans, morals shmorals why didn’t you cut me in on the action?
AA: Sorry man! Next time, you are in, no problem!
<Johnny and AA round the corner and nearly walk right into GM the Rick>
GMtR: What the hell are you two douchenozzles doing?
AA: Uh I….well, HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FOLLOWING ME?!?! <AA decks Johnny right in the mouth>
JA: OW WHAT THE…..I mean…..I AM FOLLOWING YOU TO uh KICK YOUR ASS!! YEAH <Johnny grabs AA and slams his head into the wall and both men tumble to the floor and start throwing punches again>
GMtR: stop
GMtR: Stop
GMtR: STOP!!!! ENOUGH!!
<Johnny and AA both stop and meekly get to their feet>
GMtR: You two assclowns wanna explain what the hell that was out there?
AA: <looking quite proud> THAT? That was the greatest swerve in the history of the OOWF!
<somewhere we hear Kayfabe scream and die>
GMtR: This is not a joke! Despite you two sandifying my vagina weekly, you two hoserbeasts move merchandise! We had a DVD tribute to you two planned!
JA: For real?
GMtR: NO ASSBAG! See? Doesn’t feel very good being “swerved” does it?
JA: That really wasn’t a very good swerve at all
GMtR: SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHNNY! Look, I can’t suspend you since you are both already suspended……
AA: SUSPEND ME! I’M ALREADY SUSPENDED WHOOOOO!
<GM the Rick just glares at AA>
AA: I know, I know, shut the fuck up Capps
GMtR: From this point on, you two are done with the OOWF until further notice
AA: But weren’t we already…..
<Johnny elbows him in the ribs>
GMtR: And when the time comes to bring you two back, it will be under MY terms, you got that?
JA: But RICK??
<now AA elbows Johnny in the ribs>
JA: yeah, fine
AA: Ok, whatever
GMtR: Fine! Now give me the tag titles and get the hell out of here
JA: I don’t have them
AA: I uh, I don’t have them either!
GMtR: Quit the shit Capps, we have stage hands that said they saw you go into the BFF locker room and leave with the tag titles
AA:<under his breath> Fucking Scooter, I am going to kill that little twit
GMtR: now hand them over before you toerags leave my building
JA: You have the belts AA?
AA: Heh, you know, it’s a funny story…..
GMtR: NOW!
AA: Well, see, I HAD the titles, but I kinda don’t have them anymore
GMtR:<clenching his teeth in rage and trying not to snap> WHAT….DO…..YOU….MEAN….YOU ……DON’T….HAVE…..THEM…..ANYMORE
AA: Rick, come on, did you SEE the last weekend in college football? And the way the Mets collapsed? I LOST MY ASS!!!! I mean, Auburn beating Florida? South Florida over West Virginia? COME ON! THAT WAS BULLSHIT! Then the fucking ROCKIES AND PADRES burned the hell out of me! RICK! They were going to break my TOES!!! MY TOES RICK!!!
GMtR: I am about to break your neck, where the FUCK are the tag titles, and if you say I don’t have them, I am going to murder you
AA: Rick, think about that, do you REALLY want me to name names? REALLY? Lets just leave it at, I don’t have them, and unless we pony up some serious cash, WE are not going to have them anytime soon
GMtR: WE? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS “WE” LISTEN FUCKBAG,
YOU BETTER GET THOSE TITLES BACK! I DON’T GIVE A DAMN HOW YOU DO IT!
AA: Rick, come on, Ricky Baby, this is OOWF property, at least you can cover HALF right? And Johnny, one of those belts was yours, so maybe you could kick in some too….
JA: WHAT?
GMtR: How much are we talking about here? How much is half?
<AA mumbles something>
GMtR: I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR YOU
AA:<yelling> A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS! HALF WOULD BE HALF A MILLION DOLLARS!!!
JA:<looking at AA in astonishment> You lost a million dollars?
AA: WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT COLORADO WOULD BEAT OKLAHOMA! OK?
GMtR: THAT’S IT! NO FUCKING WAY! YOU TWO ARE SUSPENDED UNTIL YOU SHOW UP WITH THE TAG TEAM TITLES! NOW GET OUT OF HERE!
<Rick turns and storms off leaving Johnny and AA in silence, after several long seconds Johnny speaks>
JA: ……a million dollars?
AA: SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHNNY!
JA: Look, we’ll figure something out, let’s just get out of here before things get even worse
AA: How the HELL could they get any worse?
<Just then GM the Rick comes back to The Chickenshit Heels with a couple of detectives and some police officers>
GMtR: So, funny story here, I get back to my office, and guess who is there? These guys. Turns out there is an illegal gabling ring coming from the OOWF, and guess who’s names are at the top of the list? Tonight is just not your night boys. Do what you gotta do gentlemen.
<The officers place Johnny and AA in cuffs and start to lead them out of the building>
AA: ok NOW things cannot get worse
<Just then the BFF show up with a gallon of chocolate milk each>
JA: Damn you Capps, you just HAD to say it
CA: Going somewhere boys?
HH: Yeah, you didn’t forget about the rest of the stip on the match did you?
CA: Officers, you don’t mind waiting a few minutes so we can finish some business with these to do you?
Commanding Officer: No, I suppose we have a bit of time on our hands, that will be just fine.
JA: I fucking hate this fed
AA: Dammit
STANK vs. OUTBACK JACKOutback Jack comes to the ring first with a can of fosters and downs it, then slides under the bottom rope. Your NEW OOWF world heavyweight champion Stank is announced next and he makes his way to the ring, pausing a moment at the top of the ramp to soak up what are mostly cheers. Stank makes his way to the ring and climbs between the ropes and meets Jack in the middle of the ring and they share a manly embrace, then back off and wait for the referee’s instructions. Stank hands the OOWF title to the ref, but not before giving it a long hard look with a little smile on his face. The bell rings, and this one is under way. The two slowly circle and lock up, Stank pushes Jack back to the corner and the referee calls for a clean break. Stank gives it and the two meet in the center of the ring again. Collar and elbow, Jack grabs an arm wringer, then turns and catches Stank in the chest with a kick that drops him to one knee, then a second kick, this time to the head, sends Stank to the mat. Jack waits till Stank is on all fours then connects with a kick to the ribs that turns Stank over, Jack hits the ropes and drops a leg across Stank’s chest covers, bit doesn’t even get a one count. Jack pulls Stank to his feet and backs him into the corner and tries to whip him across the ring, but Stank puts on the breaks and Jack can’t pull him out. Jack turns and catches Stank with several straight shots to the jaw, then tries another whip, but Stank comes out of the corner and nearly takes his head off with a forearm to the face. Jack falls to the mat and looks dazed, Stank gets to his feet and pulls Jack up and tosses him into the corner and hammers away with brutal grizzly bear like swipes to the head. After taking a couple of these, something snaps with Jack and he starts hammering back, Jack backs Stank to the middle of the ring where the two of them exchange punches. Jack rocks Stank with a couple of rights, then rears back and swings for the rafters, but Stank ducks it and grabs Jack and hits an atomic drop that sends Jack to the ropes, on the rebound Stank hits A DROP KICK!!!! OH MY DEAR GOD!!! Jack falls to the mat and rolls under the ropes and stares more in amazement than injury. Stank gets to his feet inside the ring and acknowledges the cheers of the crowd. Jack climbs back into the ring and catches Stank with a kick to the mid section then plants him with a DDT. Jack works the chin lock wrenching back on Stank’s head, not because he doesn’t know what else to do, but in this case because it makes sense to try and work the neck to try and set up for the STF. Jack gets to his feet and springs off the bottom rope and drops a knee across the back of Stank’s neck, then drops several elbows across his neck too. Jack pulls Stank up and pulls him to the corner and looks like he is going to try a tornado DDT, but Stank pushes out of it and grabs Jack by the throat, Jack rakes the eyes and Stank staggers away. Jack climbs to the top rope and tries a cross body block but Stank catches him, and in one fluid motion hauls him up on his shoulders and drives him to the mat with the STANK-U! Stank covers Jack and hooks the leg and gets the one, two, three! Just as Jack kicks out.
WINNER in 23:18 – Stank
After the match Stank helps Jack to his feet and they share a manly embrace in the middle of the ring. Jack leaves and the referee hands Stank his title and Stank raises it above his head in the middle of the ring. Jack rolls back under the bottom rope and tosses Stank a Fosters, they pop the tops, slam them together then each slam the beer much to the fans delight.
<We cut to the parking lot where The Chickenshit Heels, still handcuffed, are funneling a gallon of chocolate milk each>
HH: Officer this was a really good idea! Where did you hear about funneling chocolate milk?
Officer: Uh, at college
HH: NEAT! Was that a class or something?
Officer: Uh, yeah.
CA: Hey Hardbody, Johnny is almost done, how much time do they have left?
HH: Well, it looks like they have fifteen minutes or so left.
CA: They just might do it! Capps is almost done!
HH: Well, while we wait to see if they can keep it down, why don’t you go grab the pink lemon aide from the official OOWF refrigerator.
CA: The what?
HH: The official OOWF refrigerator, it’s in the official snack room.
CA: We have an official snack room?
HH: You didn’t know that?
CA: I had no idea!
HH: Yeah, I put two gallons of chocolate milk in there for Johnny and AA
CA: oh
HH: Wait, you didn’t get this chocolate milk from that refrigerator did you
CA: no
HH: hmmm this appears to be another mystery! Where DID you get the chocolate milk from then?
CA: GM the Rick handed to me just before we came out here
HH: Hmmm can I see one of those jugs for a minute?
<Alt hands Harris an empty jug>
JA: Ok you bastards, the deal was we had to drink the milk in an hour, we did
AA: Damn Johnny I am not feeling so good
CA: I don’t get it, it is not supposed to be possible to drink a whole gallon in an hour!
JA: Well the joke is on you, we did, so you can go to hell!
HH: Uh oh, ummm guys, is Liquid Turbolax a dairy?
JA: WHAT?
AA: Seriously, I am not feeling so good
HH: Hey officer, I think these guys have proved they are….why don’t you take them away
CA: But Hardbody, it hasn’t been….
<HH whispers something into Alt’s ear>
CA: He’s right, these two win! You can take them away now
<The officers pull TCH up and they head to the wagon>
AA: Seriously, I am not feeling so good….
JA:<getting up we hear his stomach rumble> Oh man
<the officers put them in the back of the wagon and gun it, hitting a speed bump in the parking lot WAY too fast, from inside the wagon we hear two groan men yell in disgust as the wagon speeds off into the night>
Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Doomy Doomy Doom Doom IV Pay Per View! Live From Devil’s Lake, North Dakota! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem – the Imperial Onslaught, Live! October 10th from Sandwich, Illinois!
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