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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:33:07 GMT -5
<We see GM the Rick sitting behind his desk ready for his own promo, he is picking slips of paper out of two separate hats and writing something on a sheet of paper>
GMtR: Ok, we are doing something a little different this week, this week, since the pay per view is essentially set, I decided to shake things up a bit. The matches, as you can see, are all picked at random, well except you Moose and Crete, you two can kill each other every week for all I care. The match that is written, is the match you are getting! So no complaining! I am not changing it!
****************************** OOWF MidWeek Mayhem: Shuffling the Deck Live! From Clackamas, Oregon
OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u] Stank vs. Knife
OOWF intercontinental Title Match[/u] Outback Jack vs. LD Williams
OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u] Los Defenestrators vs. DH Magnusson & Spin Hansen
OOWF Onslaught Championship I Quit Match[/u] Davin Moreland vs. Hardbody Harris
Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG Lucios & Chris Alt vs. Ecosystem & Donovan Viper Rabbxt, Capellan, Firechild & Phantos vs. Canadian Dragon, F. Fonzworth MacCappington III, Ryan Hardcore & Voltage Blitz vs. Apocalyptic Existence Firewoman vs. SYB
card subject to tryptophan anticipation
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:33:31 GMT -5
<The Knife walks into a local monastery, wearing his robe and hood. He walks through the atrium into the sanctuary. The church is beautiful, the windows stained with decorative pious art. Twenty five pews sit between Knife and the lavishly adorned altar, flanked by dozens of candles. The sight, in Knife's estimation, is stunning in its perfection... perfection marred by the presence of the man kneeling before it. Stank rises and slowly turns. He soon spies his adversary walking down the aisle towards him. The Knife it would seem does not approve.>
TK - How DARE you defile this place!
Stank - Excuse me?
TK - I will NOT allow your blasphemy!
Stank - Blasphemy? Are you implying that my presence here offends God? What, am I beyond redemption? How unchristian like...
TK - ... You will not trick me devil into thinking you seek redemption.
Stank - I don't seek redemption. I seek guidance.
TK - YOU? HA! Try the local bar. The likes of YOU could NEVER find guidance HERE!
Stank - Oh so YOU would limit God. He could never use someone such as myself to serve his will. I seem to recall Paul MURDERING CHRISTIANS left and right, thinking he was serving God's will before God knocked him off of his high horse!
TK - ...
Stank - Jesus asked him...
TK - Why do you persecute me?
Stank - Exactly... Guess what Knife?
TK - ...
Stank - YOU will get KNOCKED off your own horse! And while you're down, as the ref raises MY hand in victory, you do as Paul did...
repent!
<With that Stank collects his World Title, slings it over his shoulder, walks past the flabbergasted Knife, down the aisle, and out the building.>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:33:51 GMT -5
LOADED is in front of GMtheRick's office looking at the match lineup for next week.
FFM3: Canadian Dragon eh? He's one hell of a wrestler. This should be an interesting team up.
RH: He likes porn. I like porn. I think we'll get along fine.
Volt: I don't know about him. He's not all that friendly.
FFM3: Donnie and LD Williams did a bang up job last week against Drink & Destroy. LD and Canadian Dragon are like best buddies and former tag team partners. I think it correlates to success for us next week, right, Donnie?
DV: I've gotta team up with Ecosystem? What the fuck?
Eco: Hey man, I'm right here.
DV: Goddammit! Just when I think that Rick doesn't actually have it out for me, here he goes screwing with me again.
Eco: Dude, I'm right here.
DV: Hey, Fonz, I'm gonna go take a breather. This... this... goddammit!
Viper leaves.
Eco: I'm right... Aw, man!
Volt: Talk about not that friendly...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:34:12 GMT -5
Lucios walks into the Best Friends Forever playhouse to find Chris Alt and Hardbody Harris are sitting at a table pretending to drink miniature cups of tea and playing Old Maid.
Harris: Game! I win again good buddy!
Alt: Aww man, I wanted to win this time.
Harris: Next time you’re a shoo-in.
Alt: (Looks up and sees Lucios) It looks like we have company!
Harris: Hi Strange man in a mask, would you like a Capri-Sun?
Lucios: I have an Aquafina, thanks. I want a word with your friend here.
Alt: You aren’t going to beat me up are you?
Lucios: No. We are partners this week against Ecosystem and Viper. I have been watching some past Midweek Mayhems. I don’t want Chris Alt, the metro-sexual, juice box-drinking, crocheting, garbage-pail kids trading, sticker collecting pansy boy as my partner. I want Altrageous. Remember that guy Chris? The guys who ran around with Sugar and Spice? The former Intercontinental Champion? You held that belt 3 times; you were a great wrestler at one point. Channel that gimmick, and for ONE NIGHT, that’s who I want in the ring with me.
Alt: (stammering) but who.. Why?
Lucios: If I can’t have MY partner, I want the best wrestler I can with me out there. Chris Alt of the BFF is a joke. If I have to team with you, I want Altrageous as my partner.
Harris: We are NOT a joke! That hurts my feelings Mr. man!
Lucios (turns to Harris) as for you, Davin is pissed about last week’s match and is going to be out for blood. Your best chance is to quit before you get hurt. Otherwise, I hope Davin destroys you out there.
Alt: Hey! You can’t be mean to my friend!
Lucios: I don’t see the two of you stopping me. I still haven’t forgiven you two for sneaking the Tag Team Championships by wearing Los Defenstrators masks. You weren’t even in that match! Phantos and I should have walked out of the Champions!
(Lucios turns to leave)
Alt: Hey! If I’m your partner, can I have a bottle of water too?
(Lucios rolls his eyes and leaves. He walks directly into Phantos in the hallway.)
Lucios: I thought you were going to talk strategy with Capellan and Firechild?
Phantos: I got lost again. But I DID walk past the LOADEDarium and saw Lauren Phoenix walking out. Man! She is gorgeous.
Lucios: Will you quit that already! You are supposed to be looking for your partners in the 8-man. Did you ever find Rabbxt?
Phantos: No, But he’s new, so he probably had ring set-up duty like we did.
Lucios: Go find him! Now!
(Phantos walks away. Lucios mutters to himself ‘I have got to snap him out of this’ and heads for the exit and into the Dunkin’ Donuts Limousine. It drives off.)
(Cut to Phantos in the arena. Rabbxt is standing next to the ring, watching the road crew setting it up.)
Phantos: Hey Man, aren’t you supposed to be helping?
Rabbxt: (chewing gum) who are YOU to tell ME anything?
Phantos: I’m Phantos (extends his hand for a handshake. Rabbxt looks @ it and looks away)
Phantos: So Man, we’re partners this week in an 8-man. Want to talk strategy?
Rabbxt: (chews his gum cockily) No. I don’t NEED strategy. I’m the best man in that ring.
Phantos: Whatever man, Hey, I got some Aquafina, you want some? (Reaches off-screen and offers him the bottle.)
Rabbxt: (knocks the bottle to the ground) Go away dude. (Rabbxt does the Curt Hennig ‘Gum Spit & Swat’ and walks away)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:34:37 GMT -5
*Lucios walks into the Run DLP Locker Room presented by Aquafina. Davin Moreland is sprawled out on the couch. The Celtics game is on, but Davin is just staring at the ceiling*
L: Davin?
DM: What? Oh, hey.
L: Well, I just left the BFFs Locker Room...
DM: Dude, no.
L: What?
DM: No. No. Seriously, no. I don't want to even think about that nightmare.
L: Well, I mean, they're really weird and act like homoerotic 6-year olds, but all in all they're not that bad.
DM: Not that bad? Not that bad. Hold on.
*Davin gets up and leaves the room for a second and comes back*
DM: See that?
L: It looks like one of those rubber bracelet things.
DM: Read it.
L: Team Hardbody.
DM: Exactly. If you'll recall, I was an unfortunate member of Team Hardbody.
L: It ended up starting your feud with Underdawg, right.
DM: Yup, and not too long after that, this happened...
*Davin pushes a few buttons on the Run DLP Multimedia Center presented by SONY and the Harris/Moreland v. Underdawg/Cappington III match from 8/15 in Haiti is shown*
L: You know, for a tweener, you sure do a lot of face-y stuff.
DM: Shut up, they could have killed him.
L: Still, for someone who can't stand the guy, that was pretty ballsy standing up to those 2.
DM: Whatever. Things were going fine; I was doing my thing, he was playing Chutes and Ladders with Alt and that stupid mouse. And now, I have to deal with him this week.
L: And it's a title defense.
DM: No shit, Sherlock. I want no part of this match.
L: Really? Why?
DM: Dude, it's like beating up the retarded kid on the playground. Even if I win, everyone will hate me, and he's still a retard.
*Two suits come in*
TS: *in Stereo* Mr. Moreland, we have to ask you to cease and desist from using the term "retard" in your promo.
DM: The fuck? Why?
TS: It is offensive and will not be tolerated by the network.
DM: Dude, I fed Feivel to 5 cats. But "retard" is offensive?
TS: CEASE AND DESIST!
DM: Fine, what the fuck ever. Get out.
*They leave*
DM: Ok, Ninja Cameraman, we need another take, bring me to page 2, 2nd paragraph down. "Lucios says: "Really? Why?".
*A voice from the mist replies*
VFTM: Ok, cue's to Lucios. Ready when you are.
DM: Ready, dude?
L: What just happened?
DM: Dude, your line. Really? Why? That's your line.
L: Umm...ok....
DM: Ready? Go.
L: Really? Why?
DM: Because I feel bad, it's like beating up on the fat kid in school.
L: Dude, he's a 2-time World Heavyweight Champ.
DM: I know, ok, I know. He's actually an incredible wrestler and the TO BE EDITED IN LATER is easily the most deadly move in all of wrestling. That thing is sick.
L: Impossible to scout.
DM: No kidding. It literally comes out of nowhere, and can hit you at any time, in any way. I mean, REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTERS from nowhere are devastating, but it's nothing compared to the TO BE EDITED IN LATER.
L: So what's your plan?
DM: My plan? Do what I always do, train, tape and scouting. Thanks to you guys, it's really helped me become a lot more consistent. I know Harris already, I've fought with Harris, bled with Harris, but I've never FOUGHT Harris. Hardbody. We all know you're the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF! We all know you're the babiest of babyfaces, and we all know that you've been a great champion. I know the crowd will be on your side as soon as "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling" fires up, and I'll be playing on the road. I'll get booed. People will hate me.
DM: That's ok though Harris. I might not like you. I might think you're most likely gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm from Massachusetts. I'm tolerant of your alternative lifestyle. I might think hanging around with a cartoon mouse from 1987 is a little creepy. You have to admit. It's a little creepy. I might think a lot of things...
DM: But I also know that I have to respect your ability in the ring, and I know what you can do in there. The other thing is, I know you have to respect mine. You know what I can do in the squared circle, and you know you've got your hands full in there.
DM: See, you might have your homefield advantage with the crowd, but you also are in the match that I, Davin Moreland, am making famous. The I Quit Match. A match so brutal, that the only way to win is to put the other guy in so much pain that they have to say the words "I Quit". Nothing so brutal, and nothing so embarassing. Don't know if you've been watching, but Harris, I don't quit. Ever. Ever. I AM the Onslaught Champion, and I don't intend to EVER let this go.
DM: You want this belt, Harris? You'll have to kill me to get it. See ya, Wednesday....
VFTM: Cut. We out like damned spots.
L: So weird.
DM: So, what's up with you and Alt in your match?
L: Well, I asked him to channel Altrageous...
DM: He was a BADASS when he was Altrageous.
L: Yeah, I know. That's why I asked him.
DM: Well, if he goes Altrageous, you may have opened a big ol' can of worms.
L: Why?
DM: Heh. Altrageous is a World Title contender. Chris Alt is a BFF. Stank won't be happy if it sticks.
L: And I'm supposed to be afraid of Stank?
DM: Well, he's the champ for a reason. He really is a badass. He can intimidate others with his size, that's his main game, but that's something we don't have to worry about.
L: True, we're both as big as him.
DM: He's a true competitor, Lucios; and if Altrageous sticks and stays in the title picture, I'm sure he won't be pleased.
L: So what?
DM: *smiles* Just sayin.
*Phantos comes into the Locker Room*
P: Dude, that Rabbxt is a PRICK!
L: Dude, wait...what?
DM: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
P: I kissed YOUR mother with this mouth. Oooh Burn...
*Davin leaps from the couch and nails Phantos with a perfect REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER. Minutes pass*
P: *rubbing his head* Sorry dude.
DM: Don't TALK about my momma...
L: So what's up with the new guy, Rabbxt anyway?
P: I dunno man, but he might eat a Suicide Legdrop if he's not careful Wednesday.
DM: Alright kids, I need a coffee. You want anything?
P: YEAH! I want a...
L: NOOOOOOOOO No...We're good with Aquafina for now, thanks anyway.
P: Aww man...
*Moreland leaves toward the Dunkin' Donuts Hospitality Tent, Manned by Curt Schilling. He rounds the corner and smacks directly into DH Magnusson. Moreland tweaks and puts Magnusson into the wall, hand around his throat*
DM: WHAT THE FUCK?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING OUT THERE??
DHM: *choking a little* Saving your life
DM: *throws him to the floor* I don't NEED your damn help. I worked my way to where I am WITHOUT your help; I've faced Moose, Stank, Underdawg, Cole, Outback Jack, ALL without your GODDAMNED HELP. If *I* was gonna die? That's the way it was gonna be; I deserved it, because I didn't execute well enough.
DHM: *coughing* But he was literally going to kill you...
DM: GOOD! GODDAMN IT! If that's the way it was then THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS! And for the record, I WASN'T gonna die, and Hardcore would have eaten a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER THROUGH A TABLE for his trouble.
DHM: *stands up* Least you could say is thank you.
DM: THANK YOU??? THANK YOU?!!!??! Are you fucking SERIOUS? I should drop you where you stand for making me look like a weak little girl out there.
DHM: Weak little girl? Man, you're crazy. Like your boy Fitzy likes to say, Go...
*At this point, Davin leaps and drills Magnusson with a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER ON THE CEMENT FLOOR*
DM: Worry about your own problems. If I want your help, I'll tell you to help me.
*Moreland continues onto the Dunkin' Donuts Hospitality Tent. Curt Schilling is bent over facing away from Davin, looking like he's getting cups or something.*
DM: Hey Curt.
*Moosehead Jack stands up, holding a pot of coffee in his hand*
MHJ: I'm not Curt.
*MHJ Tosses the coffee in Moreland's face, leaps and smashes the coffee pot over his head. As Davin staggers backward against the wall, Moose hits him with a HEARTPUNCH~!. Moreland might well be dead. Magnusson doesn't care that Moreland might be dead*
MHJ: You were right last week. It's not over. But for now, I've got bigger fish to fry than your sorry ass.
*Moose leaves; Davin waits for Paramedics*
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:36:49 GMT -5
* DH MAGNUSSON is GROGGY AND STUMBLING~ his way to The Rick's office*
DHM: Damn...I shoulda seen that coming. Gettin' slow and stupid, Maggs...Been spendin' too much time watching the goofballs around here, and it's starting to rub off on ya. You're...
DHM: You're talking to yourself. Christ."
*DHM grabs the the doorknob, but stops after he sees the lineup. *
DHM: I'll be damned. Well one way or another, this oughta be fun, at least. You! Where's Spin Hansen hole up here?
Random Backstage Production Assistant: Huh?
DHM: Spin....Hansen....Where?
RBPA: Well, he's normally in the Destroyitarium, with the rest of Drink and Destroy, but -
DHM: Good. *shoulders past RBPA and heads off*
RBPA: ...but he's been going into the boiler room a lot these days...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:37:11 GMT -5
<Moose is walking through the back when SFJ13 catches up with him>
SFJ13: Moose can I have a word with you? Why did you attack Davin Moreland? I thought your focus was on Crete?
MHJ: Why? Davin Moreland, you don’t get it. Right now, my focus is 100% on driving Crete out of the OOWF, but yet, every time I turn around, there you are like a little gnat, just buzzing around my head. Moreland, you need to do a better job of heeding your own advice. You say there is no way in hell that Magnusson will make a name for himself at your expense? Well let me tell you one thing, Moreland, you better hope and pray to god that you never get my full attention. Because not only will you not get over at my expense, by the time all is said and done, you won’t have a career to look back on.
Moreland, my advice to you is this, you make sure you can handle Magnusson, Knife, Hardcore, and whoever else wants a shot at that title. I want you to enjoy it while it lasts, because mark my words, when the time comes for you and I to settle things, you will be leaving the ring without two things currently in your possession, your title, and a whole lot of blood. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
Trust me.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:37:32 GMT -5
Newcoming roving reporter Edward DeWorde finds Firechild in a jovial mood, playing songs on his acoustic guitar in the back.
EdW- Firechild, despite your recent losing streak to F. Fonzworth Cappington..
FC- Thats MacCappington, remember...
EdW- Em, yeah. Anyway, despite your recent losuing streak, and the weak nature of your win last week, you seem to be in jovial mood. Whjy is that?
FC- Well, for one thing, a few losses to roll ups are a pretty standard start to a fed with a sneaky cheating heel (somewhere, far far away Kayfabe utters an unearthly howl of agony and despair), second, I got a win last week, and thats what counts.
EdW- But a count out...
FC- ...is still a win, and the fact that MacCrappington ran away from me is encouraging, but thats not why I'm jovial.
EdW- So why?
FC- Because two weeks ago, after I bloodied him up with my claymore, I dropped a note on MacCrappington's body. That note was a notice of two separate law suits, one from Tennent's Caledonian Brewery - producer of the ACTUAL no.1 beer in Scotland for defammatory slander after his internationally televised comments in support of Miller Genuine Draft, and a second one from the Clan MacCappington of Islay, who are suing him for defamation of character, and the wrongful wearing of their highland dress.
EdW- Using the law courts to penalise your foe isn't very heroic Flame.
FC- Well neither am I anymore, and if he likes being rich so much, then I'll take that away from him. I learned a lot in the 3 Piece Sert that I never forgot, just like I learned a lot in the Heroes Guild. Now I choose to all that knowledge for my own aims, and my aim at the moment is to take FF Capslock, or whatever dandified monicker he's using now, down. I've got him running scared, and I'm hitting him where it hurts. Soon enough he'll have to turn and face me, and then I will end his reign of superiority here in the OOWF, by whatever means necessary. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:37:51 GMT -5
*Blitz is standing at the OOWF official entrance, bag slung over his shoulder.*
Blitz: So this is it. I’m finally an official part of the OOWF roster. Sure, last week I fought a jobber, but being the first of three squash matches against locals feels like being on the dark-match undercard. Tonight, I’m finally wrestling another member of the OOWF. I’ve got to admit, it feels pretty good. However, being one of three debutants in one week, it will be tough to make an immediate impact. But that is exactly what I plan on doing.
Apocalyptic Existence, I’ve never wrestled you or anyone else here for that matter. Sure, it’s dark waters, but I like to think of it as you not knowing what to expect. Do you even still work...
LD Williams: Hey new guy, why aren’t you on ring set-up duty? You can’t just waltz in here and start cutting babyface promo’s without sweating a little. And it’s not very facish to ditch your work. Even the heel newbie is out there.
B: Damn. Yeah, yeah, I’m going.
*Blitz arrives just in time to witness the Phantos-Rabbxt encounter.*
B: Do you really think it’s wise to turn away the men you have to tag with later tonight?
R: Why should I be friends with them? I’m one of the best stars on this whole roster, and I’m not having guys who’ve been losing tag title matches every week for almost a month take credit for my glory.
B: So you are the type who will always be a singles superstar. No tag partners to take away any of your fame.
R: No, I admit I’m still open to the idea of a tag team, but not those has-beens who are just partnering with me for one match.
B: I’m also looking for a tag team partner, and it seems like this is the most opportunistic time for the division. Few teams, and all the teams are involved in bitter feuds, so new challengers seem to have the chance to shake things up a bit.
(awkward silence)
*Firewoman arrives and seems pissed that neither Blitz nor Rabbxt are working.*
F: Come on, get moving. With attitudes like that you boys won’t be getting far.
*Rabbxt and Blitz start setting up the ring, eyeing each other.*
F: Hey, are you two…
R&B: No.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:38:17 GMT -5
While the three newbies are setting up the ring, the giant OOWF Jumbo-JerichoTron screams to life over the entryway. The three nOObs look up to see Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline on the screen, in front of a large Texas mansion. A random reporter is standing with microphone in hand.
RRSWMIH: I’m here in Dallas, Texas (cheap pop!) with The Chickenshit Heels, the No. 1 Unemployed Promo Team in Wrestling. We’re at the home of Doris Von Erich, wife of famed Texas superstar Fritz Von Erich. So, TCH, why are we here today?
Rabbxt (watching the screen from the ring): Is an unemployed tag team stealing our promo time?
AA (turning to the ring): Yes, we are.
The three noobs stare at each other, then back at the Jumbo-JerichoTron.
JA: We’re here today to discuss resurrecting one of the greatest wrestling federations of all time, World Class Championship Wrestling. AA and I have always appreciated WCCW.
AA: That’s right. It’s the Von Erichs and Freebird feud, the starting place of Cactus Jack and Rick Rude, the great oddities like The Missing Link, Great Kabuki and Skandar Akbar.
JA: And the all-time greatest angle, where Eric Embry saved WCCW from Skandar Akbar.
AA: Well, actually, we found out that PY Chu-Hi was the actual good guy in this feud. Remember that promo?
JA: Yeah, but who remembers P.Y. Chu-Hi?
AA: Yeah? Well, who remembers Eric Embry?
Just as AA and JA are about to come to blows, Doris Von Erich comes to the door.
DVE: What do you two knuckleheads want?
AA: We want to talk to Fritz about resurrecting WCCW!
DVE: Fritz?!? Boys, I divorced Fritz 15 years ago, and he died 10 years ago. Good luck with that.
JA: AA, I told you not to rely on Wikipedia!
AA: Well, what about Kerry?
DVE: Dead.
AA: David?
DVE: Dead.
JA: Dude!
AA: Umm, Jack?
DVE: Dead.
AA: Chris and Michael?
DVE: Dead and dead.
AA: Lance?
DVE: Just an angle. He was never my son.
AA: So he’s Kurt’s brother?
(JA shakes his head in despair.)
AA: So all of them are dead? Damn.
Kevin von Erich (from the back): I’m not dead yet!
DVE (hollering to the back): Yes, you are!
KVE: No, I’m not!
DVE: You are!
KVE: Are not!
DVE: Are too!
JA: This is getting nowhere.
Firewoman: These guys were a top promo team? Did the OOWF suck that much?
AA: Shut up down there and tighten that ring rope! And don’t forget to leave that flaming barbed wire bat under the ring for the Concrete/Moosehead Jack match!
AA looks back to the front door, and to his surprise BARON VON RASCHKE is at the door!
AA: Baron Von Raschke! The Claw Master!
BVR: And that’s all the people need to know!
JA: Man, that was a lame catchphrase.
AA: What are you doing here, Baron?
DVE: We’re married, sonny-boy! I needed another man around the house…
KVE: I’m not dead, Mom!
DVE: …and a woman needs a man around who give her a good claw! (DVE does a DX crotch chop.)
AA and JA: Ewwww!!!!!
Rabbxt, Firewoman and Blitz: Ewwwwww!!!!!
Ric Flair: WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
AA: So you still do a good claw, Baron? I do the claw, too, you know.
BVR: I still have the best claw in wrestling! Watch this! (Baron grabs an orange and squashes it with his right hand.)
AA: Aww, that’s easy. Watch this. (AA grabs a an apple and squashes it.)
BVR: Yeah? Well, try this. (BVR grabs an avocado and squashes it.)
AA: That’s nothing. Watch this. (AA grabs a pineapple and squashes it.)
Barry Windham: You guys are all lightweights. (BW grabs a football and squashes it.)
The Spoiler: Rookies! Watch this. (The Spoiler grabs a basketball and squashes it.)
The Masked Assassin: Yeah, well that’s nothing. (TMA puts a metal plate in his mask and headbutts the Von Erich’s German Shepherd. The dog falls unconscious.)
Eddie Gilbert: That’s lame. (Eddie throws a fireball at The Masked Assassin, then puts the Claw on him until his head explodes.)
JA: Uh, the fireball was a bit of overkill.
Doris looks around at the wreckage, then back at JA and AA.
DVE: So why are you two idiots here, anyway?
(Suddenly Chris Adams and Brian Adias come to the door.) CA: Wow, Brian! It’s The Chickenshit Heels! The No. 1 Promo Team in the OOWF and the first-ever PHWF tag team champions. I told you that if we ever restarted the WCCW, these guys would be money. (Turning to JA and AA.) I’ve always had this idea of bringing back the WCCW…
JA: Well, then this is your lucky day. Because we came here today to (pause) Dallas, Texas (pause—and a roar comes from some crowd somewhere) to help you save the WCCW!
JA: See, we figured we’d come in and do the Chris Jericho “Save the Federation” speech—except ours is 10 times better—and then win the tag titles in some mythical tournament in Las Vegas—AA has it in his contract that all tournaments must be in Vegas and no one questions his expenses while there—and then we squeak past all comers for months, maybe even years, as the crowds get larger and larger waiting for us to lose. Then you bring in some big name, and we’ll drop the belts to them. And we’ll do that all for a mere $500,000 a year. Each. Plus expenses.
AA: Which you can’t question.
CA: This is so cool. This is exactly what Brian and I were thinking. Except in our plan, two weeks after the tournament, Brian and I come out of retirement and you guys job to us in under five minutes.
JA: I’m feeling a bad sense of déjà vu. Come on, AA, we’re out of here!
AA: But the Vegas tournament…
JA: Now, AA!
(The Jumbo-JerichoTron goes black, and we pan back to the ring, where Rabbxt, Blitz and Firewoman can’t believe what they just saw.)
Rabbxt: We have to cut promos after that?
Blitz: We’re screwed.
Firewoman: Not me! I’m a woman. All I have to do is show my boobs.
Blitz: Doesn’t that go entirely against your character?
Firewoman: Damn! We’re screwed.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:38:52 GMT -5
Rabbxt: Alright, look. This is fuckin' weak.
Firewoman: Excuse me?
Rabbxt: I'm setting up the ring? Why should I have to set up the ring just because I'm new around here?
Blitz: Hey. You can't just show up and demand instant respect and not do shit for it.
**Rabbxt does a standing gainer and goes into a front flip once landing**
Firewoman: Ok, and what was that?
Rabbxt: That's all I need to do around here and the crowd eats it up.
Blitz: Doing a couple flips won't get you anywhere in the long run, though.
Rabbxt: Let's see you do it, noob.
Firewoman: Guys, come on. Just set up the ring and shut up.
**All is silent for a minute**
Rabbxt: You know what? I know why you're insulting me.
Blitz: Me? I wasn't insulting you. I was just saying...
Rabbxt: It's because you're jealous of my skill.
Blitz: Because you can do a flip and I can't? I can do gainers, dude. My finishing move is a gainer.
Rabbxt: (mumbles under his breath) It was a gainer to front flip...
Firewoman: Ok, look. You can both do flips. That doesn't matter one bit in the OOWF. Doing a gainer or a back flip or a front flip or whatever you want to do will not elevate you up the card. And if you keep thinking that way, then you're just ruining your chances immediately.
Rabbxt: All I need is a good crowd reaction and I'll move up the card.
Blitz: You have to win matches, too.
Rabbxt: I won last week. I know what I'm doing and I don't need anyone else's advice or critisism on my ring work. So both of you, just shut the fuck up and set up the ring.
**Firewoman pulls her hand back and Rabbxt flinches and blocks himself**
Firewoman: Exactly. Get to work.
Rabbxt: Whatever.
**All is silent for a minute**
Blitz: I know you're good in the ring, dude. I watched your match and I was actually pretty impressed with it.
Firewoman: Blitz...
Rabbxt: No, it's fine. I'll take the compliment.
Blitz: And I know that you're better than just flip after flip. You've got some good skills, Rabbxt. People should be jealous.
Rabbxt: I think I'm starting to like you, kid.
Blitz: Thanks. Now can we just set up the ring without all the tension?
Rabbxt: Actually...
Firewoman: Rabbxt...
Rabbxt: I'm shutting up.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:39:14 GMT -5
Lucios walks into the Run DLP Aquafina Locker Room carrying a box overflowing with videotapes, DVDs and magazines. He drops them on the table across from the couch. Phantos somersaults off the trampoline and lands beside Lucios.
Phantos: Hey man, what’s with all the stuff?
Lucios: I thought I’d end this Lauren Phoenix infatuation now. This box contains every Lauren Phoenix movie ever made and as many magazines I could find that she appeared in.
Phantos: Movies? Really? Let me see! (Reaches in and grabs the first DVD and rips the plastic wrapping off) Where’s the remote to the Run DLP Multi-Media Center presented by SONY?
(Davin Moreland speaks up from his seat on the couch.)
Davin: This might be a really bad idea Luc.
Lucios: It might be. However, I think if he sees what kind of a person she really is, he will be as disgusted as I am with her and return to normal.
Davin: Phantos? Normal?
Lucios: Normal for him. He has been extra-irritating lately with this crush on that whore.
Phantos: (from the TV monitor) WHOA! Lucios. She’s had sex with 3 guys already in this movie!
Lucios: You’ve watched 3 scenes already?
Phantos: I’m watching on Fast Forward. Once they start having sex, it’s really kind of boring. The plot lines are horrible, and the dialogue is mundane.
Lucios: Good. Keep that in mind.
(We see a spinning clock. Hours elapse. We see Phantos still watching the TV. Lucios is asleep on the couch and Davin is walking in with Sandwiches from D’Angelos)
Davin: You’re STILL watching that crap?
(Lucios sits up, looks over and shakes his head)
Lucios: Apparently.
(Davin and Lucios eat their sandwiches, clean up, work out on the nautilus machine, and play a couple of games of chess, all the while, Phantos is still glued to the TV. Finally he clicks the remote and looks away.)
Lucios: Well partner?
Phantos: (with a sad look) Man, I thought Lauren was sooooo hot!
Davin: And now?
Phantos: (Grins broadly) Now, she’s nothing. Stormy Daniels, Now SHE is SMOKIN’ !!!!!
(Lucios grabs his partner by the collar and shakes him violently.)
Lucios: WILL YOU SNAP OUT OF THIS! We have business to take care of. TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS, REMEMBER? I didn’t schlep all the way back to the states for you to waste time drooling over some porn slut!
(Davin steps in between them, probably saving Phantos’ life)
Davin: Guys! Guys! Focus here.
Phantos: Hey man, I want to win those belts as bad as you do. But I want to have a LITTLE fun too! It gets boring watching tape every week, especially when we wrestle the same teams for weeks at a time! (He runs over to the trampoline and begins bouncing around)
Lucios: (Looks @ Davin) Now What?
Davin: Hey, He’s your tag team partner. Your Problem.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:39:36 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland is MULLING~! over his last comment*
DM: On second thought, I have an idea. Do you have your Sprint PCS phone on you?
L: Nice one. Yeah, here.
*Davin holds it for a second, trying to remember a number, then dials it*
*seconds pass*
DM: Yeah, superrush delivery. Ok. Cool, thank you. Yes. Run DLP, ltd.. Right. Thanks.
*Daving hands Lucios back his Sprint PCS phone*
DM: I think I'm onto something.
L: Care to let me in on your "brilliant" plan here?
DM: Ah,trust me. You're be all "OMG UR TEH GRETEST STABLE MATE EVAR~!~!~!"
L: I guarantee I won't say that. Who says "OMG"?
DM: Idk, my bff Jill?
L: Funny.
*Intercom on the wall sounds*
IOTW: Delivery for Davin Moreland?
DM: Be right there.
*minutes pass*
*Davin Moreland returns, holding a large sign*
L: Dude, what is that?
DM: Surprise. Can you hand me that Staple Gun by Home Depot?
L: Here. *hands him the staple gun*
*Davin staples the Huge Sign by Macey Signs in Worcester, MA to the wall. It reads: Cuntwhores dig Championship Belts*
L: *smiling* You're a genius.
DM: Ain't I though?
*Lucios slowly heads into the other room where Phantos is. "Hey Phantos, got something I wanna show ya..." is heard*
DM: And now, to cut an uninspired, generic promo on Moosehead Jack, to match his effort. MOOSEHEAD JACK! I don't care how you view me, you'll see that I'm a threat to you and I'll go over anyone I want trust me Davin Moreland ain't your bitch no more.
*Davin laughs*
DM: Sad, man. See, I thought you actually cared about this wrestling stuff. Truth of the matter is, you're simply a one-trick pony. "Crete, crete, crete, crete, crete, die, die, die, die, die, trust me", I mean, are you serious? Have you even cut a real promo on anyone else in 3 years? If you wanna take him out so bad, why not "accidentally" run him over in a hit and run? Why bother doing it in a wrestling ring? Why bother being here at all, Moose?
DM: Ya see, Moose...I'm not the little gnat buzzing around your head. I'm the 800-lb gorilla in the room. I think you're actually scared to face someone who's not afraid of you, who won't back down to you, to someone who probably enjoys pain just as much as you do...
DM: I'm not trying to "get over" on you. I'm already over. And if I wanted to get more "over", beating you wouldn't do it. Ask Crete. Getting into a feud with you is like being sucked into a black hole; there's just no good way out.
DM: But here's the thing, Moose. Since day one, you've had a problem with me, and I've had a problem with you. Couple of matches here, couple of dumb finishes there...a face being mushed on a hot grill, a coffee pot being smashed over someone's head...It's all good, Moose.
DM: So this is it. I'm saying this once and making it very clear for you. If and when you let your man-crush for Crete go, then you can come whining around my way for a match. Until then, just know, I don't like you. I'm the Onslaught Champ, and I will CONTINUE to be the Onslaught Champ, no matter how much you try to change that.
DM: I'm not making my name off you Moose, my name's already been made. I just think you're a whiny, bitchy, cuntwhore, who cries like a little girl when things don't go his way. Oh sure, it's not literal crying, but "trust me"? That's the catchphrase equivielant of "Oh Yeah? I'll show you..." . Truly intimidating. "Trust me".
DM: So Moose, I don't want to feud with you for 3 years, I don't wanna get over off your name, hell, I don't even wanna really talk about you. If and when you ever get the grapefruits to face me, one-on-one, in a couple grueling, brutal, no time-limit, anything goes, non-title matches to blow this thing off, then let me know. Otherwise, just focus your whiny, bitchy, cuntwhor-y self on your boyfriend, Crete, just like ya do every week, Ok there, Sunshine? Ok.
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:39:56 GMT -5
<Moose is sitting in the back when SFJ13 approaches him>
SFJ13: Moose, I assume you have something to say about your match with Concrete TG this week?
MHJ: Actually no, I don't. Anyone who is paying attention knows the deal between Crete and I, nothing has changed, and nothing will until one of us is finished.
Right now, I have a little something to say to Davin Moreland. Davin, you are the Onslaught Champion. You won that title by beating me in one hell of a grueling match. Now, lets address this self inflated sense of worth Mister Moreland has. What exactly has Davin Moreland done with his time in the OOWF? He has gone 1-3-1 against me. He once went nearly six months without winning a single match. He "won" feuds against Chris Cole and UnderDawg, both men who were on their way out of the OOWF, all in an attempt to get a guy who talks to a pole over with the people.
Face it Moreland, I give you credit for improving your game in the ring....finally. Lets face it, you are the Onslaught champion right now because you have managed not to screw it up. You might want to focus on keeping that title, and keeping the spot you have finally managed to carve out on the card rather than worry about throwing out challenges that you can't back up.
Has it occurred to you, Moreland, that the reason I am fighting Crete and not you, is because I want a challenge. Moreland, you can say what you want, you can grab all the endorsement deals you want, but the fact of the matter is this, at the moment, I don't care about you or your onslaught title. I told you before, that title was a means to an end, not a goal. It served its purpose, and now its gone. Moreland, I know you desperately want that feud. I know you desperately want that defining moment that puts you among the elite in the OOWF. But let's face it, in the grand scheme of things, you are about a week removed from a freak that talked to a metal pole.
You prove yourself, you do something that makes people notice you, and then MAYBE someone will take you seriously.
<Moose clicks off the light casting the room into darkness>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:40:15 GMT -5
**Canadian Dragon and L.D. Williams are watching OOWF Television**
LD: “All I need is a good crowd reaction and I'll move up the card.”
CD: (chuckling) “And to win matches.”
LD: (stifling laughter) “They’re cute when they’re naive. And Davin taunting Moose?…Oy.”
CD: “I’m all for expanding the OOWF, but if the IQ level drops any further, Rick’s going to have to start hiring rocks and carrots.”
LD: “Well, on the bright side, it looks like Johnny and AA are on their way back…Wait, did I just say that?”
CD: “Yes, yes you did. And sadly, it might be true.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:40:42 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland is in the Run DLP Locker Room presented by Aquafina watching Moosehead Jack's promo on the Multimedia Center presented by SONY. He is, apparently, doubled over in laughter. Lucios, catching the end of the promo, notices Davin's odd reaction*
L: Why in the heck are you LAUGHING?
DM: *trying to catch his breath* Dude, are you kidding me? That's just pure comedy gold! *laughs again*
L: Dude, he is seriously pissed at you!
DM: *still laughing* Yeah, I know. Isn't it hilarious?
L: Um...wait...what?
DM: It's hilarious. He's getting all steamed up over a guy with a midcard belt talking trash. He's all heated because someone's not playing the "Ooh I'm scared of Moose" game. I mean, what's he gonna do? Lock the door.
*Lucios observes all security procedures preventing random entry*
L: Ok.
DM: Seriously dude. What's he gonna do? Book me out of my title? The whole world's gonna know why. Besides, I could be more over as a People's Champ anyway. Who knows?
L: Wait. You WANT to lose the belt?
DM: Hell nah. I'm just saying, if he books me out of it; everyone will know why, and will still recognize me as the true champ. If I lost it fair and square, it would be one thing...
L: I think you're playing with fire here, Davin.
DM: Listen. Lucios. Dude. Whatever happens, happens. I'm a good worker. I'm a good champion. I know what I bring to the table. Moose wants to get on the stick and belittle my accomplishments? That's fine. He's well within his rights to do so. And to be honest, he's not wrong about a lot of it. I am 1-3-1 against Moose; I have had feuds with wrestlers on their way out. And I used to talk to a pole.
L: So why the heck would you want to go there. Why wouldn't you just wanna be nice to the Bookerman?
*banging on the door*
DM: I've tried being nice to the Bookerman. Hell, I tried to cut him in on the original Dunkin Donuts sponsorship deal. Then he goes and books himself as Onslaught Champ, taking my belt away from me...
*Louder thuds on the door now*
DM: So at that point, I decided, "screw it". I'm done being nice. He's so involved with his Crete Man-crush, that it blinds him to everything else going on in the fed. So Moose just needed to know from me, he can't just say "trust me" and expect everyone to cower in fear. Hell, I spent 6 months in the Looney Bin. I ain't scared of nothing. Moose wouldn't last 5 minutes in that place.
L: Ok, you know, suppose you're right, and suppose that everything is happening the way you say it is. Do us a favor, back off. Let Phantos and I get our belts. It's only hurting us.
DM: It may be hurting you guys already.
*A chainsaw is fired up on the other side of the door*
DM: I don't think Moose is dumb enough to do anything spiteful like that in the near future. He may not care if the fans like him, but he damn sure cares if they respect him. If he gets outed playing politics backstage, they'll never take him seriously again.
L: I think you're waaayyyy too overconfident here, Davin. Dude, he could have you jobbing to SYB and Apocolyptic Existence for the next year if he wants to.
DM: He sure could. I just don't think he will.
L: I think you underestimate just what he's capable of.
DM: *eyes bulging out* AND I THINK YOU UNDERESTIMATE JUST WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF!!!
L: Dude. Chillax.
DM: Chillax? Really? Did you say that just then?
L: It worked.
DM: True.
*sound of the chainsaw starting to cut through the door*
DM: Ok, fine Lucios. For you and P, I'll back off for now. I've made my point. I have enough to deal with in Hardbody this week.
L: Thank You. Hopefully he backs off too.
DM: *shrugs* If he does, he does. Thanks for talking me down from this.
L: It's my job. Want a D'angelo's sandwich from Ric's?
DM: Nah. I have to make a visit.
*Lucios and Davin both leave, noting the chainsaw cuts in the door. Lucios heads toward Ric's, Davin heads toward The Heroes Guild Locker Room. He knocks and opens the door. Crete's inside watching tape, and he turns to look at Davin*
CTG: Citizen Moreland! To what do I owe this visit?
DM: We're even.
CTG: Wha?
DM: You with the chair...and me with...well, You'll see. You can thank me later.
CTG: Thank you...for what?
DM: Well, if everything happens like I think it will...This Wednesday. Check out OOWF-TV On Demand. I think you'll find it interesting.
CTG: Hoo---kay. Well, I guess, thank you in advance Citizen Moreland.
DM: *salutes* Just doing my Civic, Kinda-Facey Duty Citizen ConcreteTG.
*Crete checks out OOWF-TV On Demand, as Davin leaves*
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:41:03 GMT -5
<SFJ13 corners Moose again>
SFJ13: Moose.....
MHJ: I know <Moose turns to the camera and claps sarcastically> Congrats Moreland. I have to admit, you pulled a good one here tonight. You have managed to take any failure you have, and place it on my shoulders. Congratulations. Now, if you lose that title, it becomes my fault. If you revert back to the psycho that talks to a steel pipe, it is my fault. If you get bumped down the card because you just can't cut it, it is my fault.
So well played there Moreland, before anything has even happened, you have painted yourself as a victim. Poor Moreland, he has crossed someone he perceives as the boss, so when bad things happen to him, its all because of politics, its all because brave ol Davin Moreland won't be intimidated by anyone.
Well if that is what works for you Moreland, then more power to you. The fact of the matter is this, I don't care if you fear me, I don't care if you think you can beat me. It makes no difference to me at all. Right now, my focus is on Crete and THAT is all that matters. At some point our paths will cross again, and when that time comes, THEN I will worry about Davin Moreland.
Until then, you just keep running around with your little Run DLP crew and keep thinking there is someone out to get you. There may very well be someone out to get you, but its not who you think.
Trust me
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:41:32 GMT -5
*Outback Jack and Wally B. King are relaxing in the Destroyitorium when they are approached by intrepid SF 32*
SFJ: Outback Jack, what about your match with LD Williams?
OBJ: Well, I have nothing but respect for him. He's a fine competitor. Should be a good match.
SFJ: But isn't this when you talk trash about him?
OBJ: I don't know what you mean.
SFJ: You know, drink beer, belch, and say something Australian about him.
OBJ: Well, maybe later.
SFJ: But I need something now!
WBK: That's what I've been hearing.
SFJ: Oh Wally, can't you give me something?
WBK: Oh yes I can!
SFJ: I mean a scoop. Like, what about you and LD's Momma?
OBJ: Hold it! We've got nothing to say!
SFJ: Afraid of how LD will react?
OBJ: Not exactly.
SFJ: Then give me something! I need it now!
WBK: Sorry, darling. Pimping ain't easy, and I 'm not stupid, and talking out of turn about LD's Momma isn't conducive to one's well-being.
SFJ: Um, what?
OBJ (drinks beer, belches): Australian for this interview is over!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:41:53 GMT -5
(SFJ #52 drops in as CTG watching OOWF-TV on demand)
SFJ #52: Concrete, Didn't Davin Moreland say to watch this channel after the show?
CTG: (Glances up) I will do so, but right now I am watching something else on this fine channel (call your cable operator today to relive OOWF history!)
(Invisible Ninja Cameraman focuses on the TV as it shows CTG's OOWF World Title victory)
CTG: I am merely preparing myself for the day I see that look (pointing to Moose's furious expression) on Moosehead jack's face when this war is over.
SFJ#52: But Moreland.....
CTG: Davin Moreland is playing a very dangerous game, which I can admit may help me in the short term. He taunts Moosehead Jack, even though they do not have any current issues. Should Moose take his eye off his prize - my final destruction - for even a second, that one second could be all I need. However, I know my opponent better than that, and in that one second he will turn away from me .... and make Davin Moreland nothing more than a casualty of war.
SFJ#52: so you won't save Moreland if Moose attacks him?
CTG: My goal is to save all of OOWF. I have no quarrel with Moreland either.
(CTG turns to the Invisible Ninja cameraman)
CTG: Davin Moreland, I have but one piece of advice for you..
Savior_self.
(CTG then settles back to the tv and cues up a MHJ/CTG match from year one)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:42:17 GMT -5
Sam's Dining Room Favreau - I have always been fascinated with the... drama found in professional wrestling. Inside and outside of what people see on tv GMtR - Right. Favreau - It's very compelling... the way a story unfolds through... violence. It's very... manly, for lack of a better term. Stank - Oh, I'm sure there's a better term. All - Ha ha ha ha ha! GMtR - Well, I'd like to think that our organization tells that story better than most. We're not the number one Pro Wrestling outfit, but I think we're the best - Rick Scaia General Manager of the OOWF, Founder of www.onlineonslaught.comFavreau - Oh I agree. I totally agree, but do you think that's a product of the size of your organization? Do you think if you guys ever got as big as the WWE or TNA, that the quality your entertainment value would diminish? GMtR - I couldn't... I wouldn't say that for sure. I mean it's always a possibilty, but I wouldn't say the problem with the "quality" as you put it... the diminishing returns we're getting out of professional wrestling today stem not from... how big the WWE has become so much as the people... the minds of the individuals running the place. Ecosystem - He's right. I went into the OOWF thinking that... you know, there's this HUGE following on the internet, and a number of us like to fantasy book. You know the OOWF... there's a collection of real FANS, you know, writing this stuff. Some of us have been following professional wrestling for over a decade. - Ecosystem Professional wrestler, Founder of the OOWF Favreau - That's right. You started the OOWF. Kayfabe - No he didn't! All - Ha Ha Ha Ha! Favreau - You're such a killjoy. Stank - Yeah, but she's gorgeous. ____________________ Mark Henry ____________________ Favreau - It started out as a joke, right? I mean the longevity of a name like that... off an older reference... Stank - It is an old reference. DV - When Lucas first started, he wore dreadlocks like Mark Henry. He was fatter then, so he looked a lot like Henry. - Donavan Viper Professional Wrestler, Former OOWF World Champion Stank - I don't think I look anything like him. I mean we had a similar build but... Favreau - All black people look alike to us. laughter Stank - Yeah, I mean I wasn't going to go there, but yeah. MHJ - Now, C'mon Luc, you know, YOU started the gimmick. It was clearly based off of Mark Henry. - Moosehead Jack Professional Wrestler, OOWF Founding member Favreau - You want to talk about where that started? DV - No, fuck that. What we really want to know is how you're able to score with so many Sexy Female Journalists. Stank - A gentleman never tells. Laughter Favreau - You a ladies man? Stank - I do alright. Eco - Alright? Didn't you have it put into your contract that ALL hirings of future SFJs must go through you? GMtR - How that came about is a story in itself. Stank - One that I don't think you want me tell here. <Rick and Stank stare at each other a moment. Then share a laugh.> Eco - What's so funny. GMtR - Lucas is... Stank - SHHHH! Don't say anything. Kayfabe - You're all making me nervous. DV - Why is she here? Favreau - We couldn't do this without her. Eco - Hey Lucas... you and her ever... you know...? <Kayfabe stares at Ecosystem coldly.> Stank - Never had the pleasure. Kayfabe - And you never will. Favreau - But Stank, seriously... where did that gimmick name come from? Stank - Well you know a few years back... Mark Henry made a reference to his "stank" in addressing Stone Cold Steve Austin's complaint about a smell. Austin asked Henry what's that smell? and Henry replied DV - That's Mah STANK! Stank - Yeah, and he then proceeded to tell Austin that his stank was all over his lady the night before or something like that. It was pretty hilarious - Lucas Mann, Stank Professional Wrestler, Current OOWF World Champion GMtR - Brutally so. Stank - Yeah, so anyway, Since I looked so much like Henry... Eco - So you admit it? Stank - Yeah, with the locks and the build I looked like Henry. I'm taller, but I looked similar, so I figured... AH! How about Stank. Favreau - And the name stuck. Stank - Well, you know I never thought I'd be this successful... <CLICK!> --- OBJ - HEY! We were watching THAT! Stank - Chyna is on Christina's Court! Spin - China? Stank - Former WWF Intercontinental Champion? Spin - Oh... Chyna. DV - What is she on here about a fuckin dog? Stank - Who the fuck let you in here anyway? DV - We were watching Dinner for Five. The one you and I were on. Stank - I don't wanna watch that. DV - I'm sure they didn't air what happened to you at the end. Stank - SHHHH! I'm trying to listen to this. DV - Who gives a shit about Chyna and her fuckin dogs!?! It's like Ellen all over again. Stank - Chyna's not on there crying about her dogs! Spin - You two watch Ellen? I'd expect that from Viper, but *POP!* OW! Viper - It's a good show! Stank - Yeah, don't fuck with me about that! I like Ellen. OBJ - What happened at the end of Dinner for Five? DV - Grab the remote from Stank and maybe you'll find out! Stank - We AIN'T WATCHIN Dinner for FIVE! DV - I got it on TiVO anyway... we'll just watch it later.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:42:38 GMT -5
"See? I told you you'd lose."
Capellan regards SFJ#68 sourly.
"If I'm such a loser, why do you keep coming to talk to me?"
"Please. I'm SFJ sixty eight. I have to take whatever crappy lower card feud Rick gives me."
"You could always talk to Canadian Dragon."
"Riiight. I may be new here, but I have watched the tapes. I know what happens to SFJs who try to interview that wacko. I'm stuck with you."
"And vice versa."
"Touche. So, got a soundbite for me? Some stirring soliloquy about how fighting the good fight means its okay to lose because gosh darn it, at least you didn't cheat?"
"Nice interview technique."
68 sighs and throws her hands in the air.
"God damn it! Here I am, doing everything I can to piss you off, and all you can manage are weak-ass wisecracks. What's happened to you?"
Cap looks confused,
"What are you talking about?"
"Where's the guy who came into OOWF, won two belts, fought a Taxi Cab Stomp, and challenged Underdawg just because he could? You used to be one of the rising stars in the roster … now you can't even win the tag belts with one of the most successful world champs of all time as your partner. Where's the man who got massive pops everytime he walked through the curtain?"
"I still get a pop!"
"Yeah, but it's a Matt Hardy pop."
Cap is speechless for a moment, but finally finds his voice.
"And why is it you care so much about my success?"
"Hey, if I can goad you to start shining again, maybe I'll be able to turn it into a managing gig or something. Get a payrise! Or an actual name, like Missy had! Or even just a better number."
"A better number?"
"Sixty eight, remember? How many times do you think I've heard the 'I'll owe you one' joke since I got here?"
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:43:02 GMT -5
Firewoman is WALKING-! to her spacious, private locker room, mumbling. "Freakin' men...they say women talk too much...please...." Sexy Male Journalist #1 approaches her.
SMJ: Firewoman! You won your debut....against ... a MAN!
FW: Wow, nothing gets by you, slick...
She grabs his tie and flips it up.
SMJ: Well, uh... I just meant... I mean....it's my first day, and....
FW: (laughing) Save it, sweetie, I'm just playin' with ya. Yeah, I beat Puck Dupp. But you know what? It was a hollow victory. He was no challenge. I barely broke a sweat. I didn't even break a nail. It took more effort to put the ring together a few minutes ago. How pathetic. Puck Dupp found out what it means to not take a woman, a real woman, seriously. It's a hard lesson to learn, but sometimes it's necessary.
SMJ: Do you think your match against S-Y-B will be any different?
FW: Who knows. I've be perusing the OOWF history, and I can't see where he won anything before (but I'm only up to 2005). Will I be the first? Maybe. If he respects me and my talents and gives me a good match, then I can live with that. But I won't be surprised if he's just like his buddy Puck, and thinks I'm just some Barbie Doll pushover.
Firewoman gets In-Your-Face with SMJ
And one thing I can tell you, Jack...that just doesn't sparkle with ME.
SMJ is visibly flustered.
SMJ: B-b-but....My name's not Jack....
As he searches for the right way to hand the segment back to the announcers, Firewoman's phone rings.
FW: Oh, hey baby! I saw your debut Monday night, it was great! Your arms were FANTASTIC...
The door to the spacious, private locker room opens. The smell of incense wafts out into the hall. The burning candles reflect in the mirror as the door shuts. SMJ tries (nervously) to listen at the door, but can't hear any more of the conversation.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:43:27 GMT -5
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Popcorn and Porn
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Favreau - This was so funny. I tried to work a similar bit into Iron Man, but ended up having to cut it. There was a time issue. Anyway, one of my all time favorite segments from your show was Popcorn and Porn.
GMtR - Everyone likes that one.
DV - I hated it.
Eco - That happened after I left.
Stank - And I wasn't invited to that party.
MHJ - I think that was around the time I was trying to recruit you and Capslock to do some dirty work for me.
Stank - No that was around the time Lock and I got our first Tag title shot.
Eco - Well the porn seems to be making a resurgence back into the OOWF with the arrival of my faction mate, Ryan Hardcore.
Kayfabe - Disgusting.
GMtR - I've asked Ryan to tone it down, but... Lauren Phoenix can be very persuasive.
DV - I'm a Katie Morgan fan myself.
Stank - Yeah she's hot.
Eco - Tera Patrick.
GMtR - Oooo, classic.
Favreau -Who's house was that in the segment?
DV - That was Chris Alt's house.
Favreau - I loved the part where the guy kept asking for popcorn...
Stank - Attitude Adjuster.
Favreau - Yeah, he kept asking for popcorn and his conversation with you over the phone was hilarious.
DV - He kept messing up his lines.
Kayfabe - Lines... LINES?
Stank - I don't know, Donnie. It all sounded well to me.
DV - Well you wouldn't notice cause you weren't in the bit.
Stank - I've seen the tape. The whole thing was hilarious. If anyone messed up, it was you.
DV - ME?
Favreau - Gentlemen, please.
DV - Fuck you Lucas. You don't know what the hell you're talking about. You were just a mid-carder back then.
Favreau - Guys c'mon. Can we just have a friendly dinn-
Stank - Well I sure as shit ain't a mid-carder now, aren't I?
DV - Fuck you.
GMtR - Fuck both of you. We're trying to get some publicity here by being on this show and you're both screwing things up! I know this is IFC, but publicity is publicity! I won't have you ruining this for me!
Stank - Me? HE started it!
DV - I didn't do any- hey, is that knife?
Stank - Knife... where?
<Just as Stank turns his head towards where Viper is pointing... >
**WHAM!**
----
All - OHHHHHH!
Spin - No wonder you didn't want to watch this.
OBJ - I've been there, mate. I know how it feels.
Stank (rubbing his jaw) - Payback is a bitch.
Spin - I can't believe they aired that.
DV - ... let's watch it again.
Stank - Get out!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:43:49 GMT -5
*After Viper walks out*
OBJ: Just as well he left. We've got that commercial shoot in a few minutes.
Stank: Hey, that's right.
OBJ: No reason for Run-DLP to be the only ones cashing in around here. I've got us lined up for Foster's today and Outback Steakhouse and Subaru next week.
Spin Idistractedly): That's nice.
*Stank shoots a concerned look at Spin, while OBJ is busy opening a beer*
OBJ: I forgot to warn you about the director, though.
Stank: Let me guess. He's a big tough Australian guy who likes to drink beer and bust up bars? I think we can deal with that.
OBJ: No, Percy is a little different.
*A flamboyantly gay man walks in, followed by his entourage*
Percy: Jack, it's been too long. I'm just thrilled to be working with you again. But I'm mad at you! You didn't tell me how ruggedly handsome your friends are!
Spin: .....
Stank: ......
OBJ: Well, um...
Percy: My, my, they are big, aren't they. This will be just super. But there is one small problem. No one likes over the top accessories more than yours truly, trust me on that darlings! But if two of you are wearing those over-sized belts and one isn't, it just doesn't look right. Can we do something about that?
*Spin walks out*
Percy: Oh dear, did I hurt his feelings? I'd better go apologize.
Stank: I think it's better if you let him go work off some steam by himself.
Percy: If you say so, you Nubian stud, I'll just have to agree.
Stank: On second thought, maybe I should go check on Spin.
Percy: Well, while your doing that, Jack darling, could you perhaps get Donovan Viper to stop by? I'd love to meet him.
OBJ: Tell you what, Percy. Donny's not doing that gimmick any more. I could introduce you to some SFJ's, or Wally could hook you up with a nice sheila. Maybe you'd like to try changing teams.
Percy: No thanks, I'm happy with my lifestyle. Ther was only one woman I was ever really attracted to, and our relationship was short but sweet.
OBJ: Really?
Percy: Oddly enough, her son is a wrestler here. I think his name is...
OBJ (putting a hand over the camera lens): Sorry, Percy, I have to go get ready for my match. I'll give you directions to Viper's locker room.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 26, 2008 22:44:33 GMT -5
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem: Shuffling the Deck Live! From Clackamas, Oregon SEAMUS MCNASTY & BLITZ vs. BARON VON OREGON & APOCALYPTIC EXISTENCEBlitz made his OOWF debut last week, and this week he is teaming with another OOWF newcomer, Seamus McNasty. Their opponents Baron Von Oregon and Apocalyptic Existence are already waiting in the ring as they make their way down to the ring. McNasty climbs between the ropes and BVO and AE immediately charge him and try to take him to the mat with a double clothesline. McNasty ducks and stops and turns and scoops AE off his feet and drives him to the mat. From the outside, Blitz springs to the top rope and leaps into the ring, catching BVO with a springboard drop kick to the mouth. McNasty pulls AE to his feet and drops him in his tracks with a clothesline, then Blitz whips AE to McNasty, and Seamus catches him with a black hole slam. AE powders out and Seamus pulls BVO to his feet and whips him hard into the corner and tags in Blitz, as BVO staggers forward, Blitz hits the ropes and clips the Baron’s knee, then gets to his feet and hits a standing back flip for a two count. Blitz kips to his feet and waits for BVO to get to one knee, then he hits the ropes and connects with a shining wizard, then tags in McNasty. Seamus waits for BVO to get to his feet, then catches him with a series of forearms to the side of the head, then lifts him in a side suplex and plants him on the mat, climbs to the second rope and leaps, driving his elbow into BVO’s sternum. McNasty hauls BVO to his feet again and sets him on his shoulders and tags in Blitz. Blitz climbs to the top rope and leaps and snaps a perfect hurracarana on BVO from Seamus shoulders. BVO is toast. Blitz covers and gets the academic three count while Seamus knocks AE off the apron to keep him from interfering. WINNERS in 4:05 – Seamus McNasty & Blitz FIREWOMAN vs. SYBSYB is in the ring with his law team of Dewey Cheatum & Howe talking animatedly and pointing to the back. Firewoman comes out next and gets a nice response from the crowd. She makes her way to the ring, eyes focused on SYB the whole time. She steps between the ropes and immediately SYB starts talking: JUST WAIT RIGHT THERE! I saw what you did to Puck Dupp last week! Well let me tell you something missy (Fire bristles a bit at this) I AM NOT PUCK DUPP! (the crowd laughs at this) SHUT UP! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT! Listen, I am ALL MAN and I WILL NOT be held responsible for what I do to you tonight, my lawyers have drawn up a contract exonerating me from all…OOOOOOOFFirewoman catches SYB with a spin kick to the mouth that sends him to the mat, then grabs Dewey and plants him with a belly to belly suplex, kicks Howe and sets him up for a rude awakening, then catches a charging Cheatum with a shot to the guy and hits the Rude Awakening and DDT at the same time. The lawyers roll under the ropes and fall to the floor and SYB attacks Fire from behind and knocks her to the mat. He pulls her up and sets her up for a pump handle slam, and gives a couple of suggestive hip thrusts, then hauls Firewoman up on his shoulders, but before he can slam her to the mat, she escapes and slips over his shoulder. Fire spins SYB around and grabs his head and looks deep in his eyes. SYB grins and puckers up, so Fire slams him repeatedly in the face with a series of head buts. SYB staggers and falls on the second rope, blood pouring from what is obviously a broken nose. Fire slingshots herself over the top rope and drops a knee on the back of SYB’s head that sends him back into the ring. Fire steps back into the ring and puts up her hands for a fight. SYB staggers, then obliges and they slowly circle. SYB throws a couple of punches that Fire easily avoids, then Fire peppers him with punches to the face. SYB swings wildly once again and Fire slips behind him and grabs his head and hammers him with several bionic elbows to the back of the head. She lets go and grabs SYB’s waist, he falls forward and she gives him a few suggestive thrusts, then grabs him and hauls him up into a backbreaker, then spins him down and drops him with a diamond cutter. Fire woman pounces on SYB and locks him in the Regal Stretch, SYB tries to fight, but gives up and taps out fairly quickly. WINNER in 3:59 – Firewoman Firewoman starts to leave the ring, then stops and comes back to the beaten and bloody SYB with a mic and sits straddling his chest. Firewoman gets real close to SYB and looks like she is about to kiss him, then licks his cheek “Happy Birthday Bitch.” SYB reaches up and grabs for her head, but she HAMMERS him with a forearm to the face, then rolls him over and holds him in the Cattle Mutilation until he passes out. LUCIOS & CHRIS ALT vs. ECOSYSTEM & DONOVAN VIPERLucios comes out first, to raucous cheers. Apparently, Oregon is Run DLP Country. Chris Alt is next, and barely gets in the ring when “Them Bones” hits and Donovan Viper enters. Viper is staring down Alt when Ecosystem comes out to massive boos, possibly because of his “Greg Oden SUCKS” shirt. Ecosystem: Big Nets fan. Alt and Viper start us off with a lockup. Headlock by Alt on Viper, Viper tries to flip Alt over, but Chris lands on his feet. Chris lands a punch on Viper, and Viper stumbles backwards. Irish whip, and Alt catches him with a clothesline off of the ropes. Quick cover and a two-count. Seeing his partner in trouble, Eco grabs a microphone. Eco: Hey Lucios! AQUAFINA IS TAP WATER!!! The honor of Aquafina being challenged, Lucios runs in the ring and is restrained by the referee. With the ref distracted, Eco runs in the ring and hits Chris Alt with the microphone. It doesn’t actually hurt, but it makes a loud noise, so Alt dutifully falls over. Viper covers, and also gets a two-count. Viper puts Alt in a full nelson while trapping the lower body under his legs, and Chris can’t seem to find a way out. Lucios decides to grab a microphone himself. Lucios: Hey Eco! EVANESCENCE IS A SUBPAR BAND! Eco runs into the ring in furious anger, and the referee has to physically grab him around the waist to restrain him. Meanwhile, Lucios throws Aquafina in Viper’s eyes, who falls backward because of all the nasty stuff in that tap water. Alt pulls out of the full nelson, and begins stomping on the prone Viper. Alt reaches down to pull Donovan into a Dragon Sleeper, but Donovan gets to the ropes. Alt nails him with a lariat to the chest before releasing the hold. Donovan is struggling to get up, while Alt walks to the corner, crouching down for a spear. He makes a run at Viper, but Donovan sidesteps and Alt goes careening into the turnbuckle post. Viper gets to the corner and tags in Ecosystem. Ecosystem goes for a schoolboy pin on Alt, but only gets a two-count. As Chris is getting up, Eco produces a balloon from his tights and begins inflating it. Eco then twists the balloon into a hat and puts it on his own head. Chris Alt takes a swing at Eco, but Eco merely ducks and Alt’s hand bounces off the giant balloon. The referee removes the inflatable helmet in annoyance, and Eco uses the opportunity to initiate the Highly Technical Kick In The Balls. Pin attempt, two count. Eco then wraps Alt in a Dragon Sleeper in preparation for the Endgame, but Alt uses all his strength to flip Eco over into a Dragon Sleeper of his own. Eco flips backward into the original sleeper with a rope assist. Alt attempts to reach the ropes, but cannot. The referee lifts Alt’s hand, and it drops once, but on the second time, Alt flips Eco over into a power slam! Clutching his scrotum, Alt tags in Lucios, who is a HOUSE O’FIRE! Clothesline to the staggering Eco! Clothesline to the interfering Viper! Clothesline to the referee! Clothesline to the ENTIRE FRONT ROW! That’s the price you pay for sitting in the front row after not reading the waiver you signed. Lucios goes to the top, and gestures as though he Is about to do some move we should recognize, but no one does because he is new. He comes off the ropes with a double axe handle, but Eco catches him with the AQUAFINA TO THE FACE! Lucios is BLINDED! Eco pulls the head back, Endgame, and that is actually End Game. WINNERS in 5:03 – Ecosystem and Donovan Viper! RABBXT, CAPELLAN, FIRECHILD & PHANTOS vs. CANADIAN DRAGON, F. FONZWORTH MACCAPPINGTONIII, RYAN HARDCORE & VOLTAGEAll 8 men make their entrances, and referee Angelo Barros is about to call for the bell, when, General Manager the Rick appears at the top of the ramp. “Ladies and Gentlemen. In my effort to offer you a quality Wrestling program tonight, I have decided to ban anyone but these 8 men from ringside for this match. Mr. Barros, We WILL have a winner in this match! Barros calls for the bell. Rabbxt and Ryan Hardcore draw the starting assignments. They lock up and Hardcore flings Rabbxt into a neutral corner and delivers several hard back elbows. RH backs up and charges, but Rabbxt leapfrogs RH, causing him to go shoulder-first into the ring post. Rabbxt dropkicks RH immediately, pushing him back into the post. Rabbxt spits his chewing gum out and swats it at hardcore, who is now slumped in the corner. That draws in Voltage, who grabs Rabbxt and throws him out of the ring and into the announce table! CD charges into the ring, and is met by the oncoming Capellan with a clothesline. Phantos climbs the turnbuckle and hits a missile dropkick on FFMcIII, who had just entered the ring as well. Firechild is in now, and goes to work on MacCap. Referee Angelo Barros looks around and sees all eight men in full-scale brawl mode. He climbs the ropes and sits on a turnbuckle, watching the action unfold. On the outside, Rabbxt trades punches with Voltage. Capellan clears the announce table, and slams CD on it. Firechild comes running over, and hits Cap with a vicious spear. CD is up and grabs Voltage, pulling him onto the table for a…OMG…CANDIAN DESTROYER THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Both men lay among the wreckage. Hardcore throws Capellan into the ring steps head first! Firechild and Hardcore both grab chairs, and take turns pasting each other with them. Dragon emerges from the table carnage and grabs Capellan, calls for the spirit of Arn Anderson to fill him, and then hits a Gordbuster on the ring steps. In the ring, FFMcIII is pounding Phantos with a series of body slams and clubbing forearms. Rabbxt climbs a turnbuckle and hits a corkscrew moonsault on MacCap, earning a ‘That was awesome’ chant from the crowd. Voltage climbs in and Rabbxt & Phantos hit a double dropkick sending him flying to the outside! FFIII staggers to his feet, Phantos bounces of the far rope and hits the Scotsman with a Flying burrito! Rabbxt follows up by executing a standing frankensteiner, and MacCap tumbles to the outside as well. Rabbxt returns to the turnbuckle, and Phantos climbs the next one, and the two high-flyers exchange quick head nods, and hit simultaneous senton splashes to the crowd of wrestlers on the outside. All eight men are on the ground. The crowd has began a crazy ‘this is awesome’ chant. Ryan Hardcore and Phantos climb slowly into the ring. RH grabs the masked man and hoists him into a gorilla press slam, and turns it into a Michinoku Driver! Barros hops down, and begins to count 1, 2..NO! Firechild breaks the pin, and sets RH up for the DevilDriver and it CONNECTS! Cover and 1..2..NO! Voltage interrupts, grabbing FC and hitting a sick Circuit Breaker! HE makes the cover and gets a 2 count when Capellan rushes in, grabs Volt and hits a Vindicator! Cover and 1..2..NO! Canadian Dragon breaks that pin fall up, and delivers another CANDIAN DESTROYER! He covers Capellan. 1..2..NO! Rabbxt comes crashing down from atop a ringside ladder (“Where did that ladder come from?” screams Russ) with a twisting, spinning, flippy, moonsault the likes of which only exist in video games! Rabbxt makes the seemingly academic cover for 1..2..NO! And Still no pin! FFIII makes the break up, and hoists Rabbxt up into the Greeting from Scotland! But Rabbxt small packages the much larger man and Barros Counts 1…2…and 3! WINNERS in 23:33 – Rabbxt, Capellan, Firechild and Phantos MOOSEHEAD JACK vs. CONCRETE TGMoosehead Jack and Concrete TG both make their standard entrances. Both men are calm - that can’t be a good sign. Referee Mel Creech gives them their instructions and calls for the bell. They lock up and Concrete grabs a hammerlock. Jack reverses, and Concrete re-reverses. Concrete switches his grip and attempts a belly-to-back suplex, but Jack blocks. Jack grabs Concrete’s arm, flips him over, and locks on an arm bar. Concrete rolls through to his feet and transitions back to a hammerlock. Jack drives an elbow back, but Concrete dodges. Jack reaches down and grabs Concrete’s leg, flipping him onto his back and bridging into a pin. Concrete kicks out at two as some fans start a “This is Awesome” chant. Both men get to their feet and circle. Concrete moves in for a lock up, but Jack stops him short with a right cross to the face. Concrete staggers, and Jack snap mares him and locks on a chin lock. The “Awesome” chant dies out. Jack casually slips the hold down into a choke, drawing a count. Jack breaks at four, hits Concrete with a series of cross faces, and goes back to the choke for another four. Jack releases the choke, slams Concrete’s head back into the mat, and drives a knee into his throat. He covers, but Concrete kicks out just before three. Jack pulls him up and goes for a suplex, but Concrete blocks. Jack blocks a reversal, so Concrete drives a knee hard into his stomach and snaps him over with a second attempt. Concrete rolls through and drives fists into Jack’s face until Mel orders him off. Concrete backs away and Jack sits up with a smile on his face. Concrete suddenly sprints forward and hits a running knee to the face. He pulls Jack up and goes for a power bomb , but Jack reverses into a backdrop. Concrete hangs on, and reverses that into a sunset flip. Jack kicks out at two. Jack is up a split second faster, and nails Concrete with a lariat. He plants him with a body slam and stomps on his face. He pulls concrete up and spikes him with a DDT, them goes for the Jiendo. Concrete struggles and manages to slip free, rolling to his feet. Jack goes for another clothesline, but Concrete ducks. Jack hits the ropes and Concrete greets him with a super kick. Concrete comes off the second rope with a leg drop and covers, but gets only two. Concrete pulls Jack to his feet and rocks him with a series of European uppercuts. Jack reverses an Irish whip and shoots him to the ropes, catching him with a knee to the midsection. Concrete lands hard on his back, and Jack immediately pulls him off the mat and sets up the Heart Punch. As he twists the arm, Concrete twists through it and ends up behind Jack, grabbing him under the chin and driving the back of his head down to the mat. Concrete grabs his legs and transitions into the Backwall. He covers and hooks the leg for the three. WINNER in 16:45, Concrete TG. DAVIN MORELAND vs. HARDBODY HARRIS – OOWF Onslaught Championship I Quit MatchFeeling out process to start, a few pushes back and forth,then Davin just flat out SLAPS Harris! HH shakes his head clear then tackles Moreland and lays in the punches. Glaw starts to count to get Harris off Moreland but remembers this is a no DQ match. He backs up as HH pulls Moreland to his feet and slings him to the corner. HH splahses Moreland and asks for the mic to be brought in. Moreland looks at the mic, laughs at Harris and shoves him backward. They reset in the middle of the ring and start back with a lockup. This time Moreland gets the advantage and slings HH back across the ring, hoists him in a gorilla press! Corwd applauds but Harris doesn't look too happy -especially when he's unceremoniously tossed out of the ring and into the third row of seats! Crowd quickly gathers Harris and leads him back to the guardrail where Moreland is waiting for him. Harris is suplexed over the barricade, nearly missing the steps. Glaw is following and fretting about having to referee this match (he misses the traditional Onslaught rules). Moreland goes for a chair to swat Harris, but HH sees it coming. He hops back on the ring steps, and Moreland swings for Harris' knees. HH jumps clear of the swing and hops down, then pulls the top half of the steps off to defend himself as Moreland swings a few more times, the metal ringing loud and clear over the crowd noise. Moreland tries to back HH up some more, and HH trips, falling backward wih the "V" of the stairs over his head. Moreland kicks the stairs, hoping the noise would stun Harris and perhaps he'd submit. When Harris refuses, he stands on one step to keep them in place and pulls up one arm to do a variant of the MARK HENRY MEMORIAL ARMBAR! Harris refuses to quit, so Moreland drops the hold to go get the chair again. It takes him a moment to come back around - enough time for HH to get up and turn the stairs around! He uses the "V" to pin Moreland to the apron, and the two trade punches. Moreland can't move with the steps braced by Harris! Glaw has the mic between them, but all Moreland is doing is cuss while Harris is shouting back "THERE'S CHILDREN IN HERE!" . Moreland finally gets in a good enough shot to back Harris away and can finally free himself. Harris has a chair now, but Moreland paws it out of Harris's hands and swings for the fences! Harris sprawls a short distance up the ramp where Moreland catches up and pins Harris to the floor with the chair! he then puts a foot on the back of Harris' neck and pushes with all his might! Harris screams but refuses to surrender. Moreland stands and folds up the chair, Harris crawling back up the ramp in a vain attempt to escape. Moreland closes and realizes that Harris was merely playing possum! He nails Moreland with a low blow and once he's on the ground, Harris rolls Moreland on his face and locks on a camel clutch. Moreland manages to squeak out a "no" before getting his arms free, pushing to all fours and bucking Harris off his back - and CLEAN OFF THE RAMP TO THE FLOOR! Harris is bleeding from the chairshot and one arm looks to be injured from the assault. Harris falls over, leaving himself wide open to a flying elbow from Moreland! HARRIS ROLLS CLEAR! Moreland nearly cracks his elbow on the bare concrete. Harris uses the moment to stomp Moreland mercilessly, but doesn't have the arm strength for a proper hold. He snags a piece of piping left over from the scaffolding and swings it mightily at Moreland, making him scream for once! Glaw is there, but Moreland refuses to quit as well! Moreland manages to get to his feet and he looks furious! he catches the pipe and snarls something about Clangy before yanking it out of Harris' hand. Harris dodges and dances around Moreland's wild swings as they push back to the locker rooms, but most of the staff and wrestlers give them a wide berth (including Moosehead Jack, who isn't interested in clobbering anyone not named Concrete). Harris shoves a roadcase at Moreland, and knocks him off balance. Harris then opens the roadcase and gathers Moreland to suplex him inside, the lock it up and sit on it til Moreland quits. Moreland lands roughly inside but Harris can't close the case fast enough. Moreland yanks Harris inside and the lid closes itself! The case then rolls adn shifts jerkily along as the two browl in the closed confines. After a minute of this the lid springs open and Moreland climbs out, and Harris looks like he was in there with a couple of wild animals - he and Moreland are covered with blood, but who is bleeding so profusely? Moreland throws Harris through a door - the door to the BFF locker room! The room has no one in it, but it's lavishly decorated with all sorts of memoribilia for the BFF. Moreland lets Harris realize where he is, but instead of Harris panicking, he screams out a battlecry and attacks Moreland mercilessly! He sits on Moreland and punches and punches and punches, demanding to know why he would take such a fight "into such a peaceful and happy area". Moreland shoves Harris off and grabs an autographed baseball bat that was on display on the wall. He threatens the all-BFF display and shouts "These'll ALL be memories!" He winds up to swing, and Harris grabs the mic: "I quit! You can beat me into oatmeal but DON'T BREAK OUR STUFF!" Harris cries as Glaw rings the bell. WINNER in 14:23 and Still Onslaught champion - Davin Moreland LOS DEFENESTRATORS vs. DH MAGNUSSON & SPIN HANSEN – OOWF World Tag Team Title MatchHansen enters first, and with no flash at all, sidles over to the corner to wait, and watches Magnusson's equally demure yet determined entrance with interest. Magnusson and Hansen go nose to nose in the corner as Los Def make their hyperactive lucha entrance and slide into the ring. Spin nods at Magnusson who nods back, then Hansen steps under the ropes onto the apron. Magnusson turns, and walks straight into an eye-poke from Ecosistema, who whips the stunned Jersey native to the ropes, and meets him with a dropkick on the way back. 'OLE' he shouts to the crowd as Magnusson hits the deck. He poses for a second, only to turn round and see Magnusson up, and grinning at him. Ecosistema goes to tag our, but Magnusson drops him with a ferocious southpaw jab, then picks him up and hits a killer vertical suplex, that leaves Ecosistema flopping about the ring like a fish out of water. Ecosistema starts to try and tag out, but Magnusson grabs his foot and tosses him bodily into his turnbuckle. Ecosistema is dazed and Magnusson lifts him into the Tree of Woe, then sticks his hand out to tag in Spin. Hansen nods in appreciation and steps into the ring, and turns to lay a beating on Ecosistema but gets charged in the back and it seems kidney punched with some knucks by El Voltaje. Magnusson charges into the ring nails El Voltaje with a running clothesline! The referee grabs Magnusson and orders him back into the corner. Magnusson looks annoyed, but goes obediantly. Spin is clearing the cobwebs as Ecosistema gets himself free on the turnbuckle and dives off the top and takes the kneeling Spin down with a bulldog. We have both men down in the middle of the ring and crawling for their corners and we get HOT TAGS! Magnusson roars into the ring, but El Voltake slides under his legs, then comes off the ropes with a fltying leg lariat. Magnusson is knocked silly, and El Voltaje goes for a standing moonsault, but Spin drags Magnusson away by the feet and nails the dazed El Voltaje with a headbutt just as the referee orders him out of the ring. Again we have two men crawling for the corners, and HOT TAGS! Spin avoids Ecosistema's wild swing, and lifts him with a Todesfall for 1-2 NO! Ecosistema pulls El Voltaje away. Spin is enraged and goes out of the ring to chase El Voltaje, but as the go back through the ring, Ecosistema nails him with a drop toehold, and El Voltaje comes back and smashes Spin with a Shining Wizard to the face. However as El Voltaje goes to shout 'Ole', Magnusson drops hi with a haymaker, making him roll out of the ring. Ecosistema tries to drop Magnusson with a Go2Sleep, but Magnusson grabs his arm and twists into a DDT. The referee orders Magnusson out of the ring again, but he just grins and calmly steps under the ropes. Spin makes his way to his feet as Ecosistema stands up groggily, and Spin nails him with e headbutt and then lifts him into a muscle buster. As he holds Ecosistema in the air, he turns to face Magnusson and nods, so Magnusson tags himself in on Spin's arm. Spin drops Ecosistema with the Spinal Justice, and then calmly steps outside the ring. Magnusson picks up ther semi-conscious Ecosistema and nails the russian legsweep and rolls through into Dream Street! Ecosistema is fading fast, but as the referee drops his hand the first time, El Voltaje slides into the ring and smashes Magnusson with a steel chair! The referee is calling for the bell as Spin erupts into the ring, only to get a side-on chair to the gut, then a huge blow from the chair over the back of the head. YOUR WINNERS, in 8:19 as result of a disqualification are SPIN HANSEN & D H MAGNUSSON (Los Defenestrators retain the OOWF Tag Team Titles) After the bell, Los Def make a quick getaway with the belts, and Spin & DH get to their feet, both looking pretty pissed off, then they nod at each other in a respectful, manly way, then make their own way to the back..... OUTBACK JACK vs. LD WILLIAMS – OOWF Intercontinental Title MatchWilliams enters first, looking steely eyed, still taping up his wrists as he waits for Jack in the ring. OBJ comes out, carrying a crate of Fosters and slides itno the ring. LD stands aside as OBJ hits all four corners, downing a can at each, then grabbed a mike and started to belch into the mike...when LD charges him in the back, knocking him to the floor. LD laughs as OBJ gets to his feet, winded and the bell rings. OBJ looks reaslly ticked off as LD motions for him to 'come on.' They lock up and OBJ uses his FURY to force LD onto one knee, but William,s drops a shoulder and locks OBJ into a side headlock. OBJ tries to roll through, but LD transitions into and armbar but releases quickly and gets to his feet. OBJ gets to his feet, shaking the hurt out of his arm. LD gives him no time and lays in with a flurry of blows, focussing on the hurted shoulder. Jack staggers back and doubles up and LD goes to nail a DDT but Jack is playing possum and smashes him with an uppercut. LD staggers back, bleeding from the mouth, and Jack presses his assault, landing a flurry of blows, followed up with a headbutt that staggers LD. Jack hooks him for a double underhook DDT, but LD rears up and backdrops Jack, and both guys hit the mat, gasping for breath. They both get to their feet and charge each other, taking one another over the top rope. LD clears the cobwebs first and grabs a half-upright OBJ abd whips him into the turnbuckle post, then follows up with a lariat that knocks Jack onto his back. LD grabs the ring steps and drops them on Jack's head, despite the referee's protestations then rolls into the ring to break the count. The ref takes LD to task, and LD stands there and tells the official how it is, then rolls out of the ring to continue the assault on Jack. However, Jack low blows him as he reaches down, and rams his head into the barricade. Jack gets to his feet and drops LD with a headbutt, then starts throttling LD with the wire for the mobile steadycam! The referee is screaming at Jack, as he rolls back into the ring, and belches in the officials face. Jack rolls to the outside as LD gets to his feet on the other side, and both men slide into the ring, wielding chairs! They each aim a skull-crushing blow at the other, but the chairs bounce off each other, leaving both men with shaken arms, but they both wind up for another shot - as the referee rolls out of the ring and calls for the bell! YOUR RESULT, in 7:18 is a DOUBLE DISQUALIFICATION (Outback Jack retains the Intercontinental Title) Both competitors look stunned, and OBJ loses his concentration, allowing LD to paste him with the chair, laying Jack clean out. LD smirks, then drops the chair and makes his way to the back... STANK vs. KNIFE – OOWF World Heavyweight Title MatchStare down in the middle of the ring. Trash talk from Stank gets no rise out of the Knife, so the champ looks to pie face the challenger. Knife sees it coming, ducks under and snatches the hand for an arm bar. Stank uses his weight to push Knife into the ropes, but that's exactly what the challenger is expecting, and he promptly snaps the arm across the top rope. Separation, Stank scowling as he nurses his elbow (and his pride); Knife looking almost Seraphically calm. Lock-up, and Stank uses his weight to throw Knife to the mat and tries to drop the (uninjured) elbow. Knife rolls out of the way, snatches the arm and slams it on the mat, then stomps the elbow and shoulder a few times before backing off from a big swing of Stank's left hand. The champ to his feet, rolling both shoulders as he tests how much damage has been done. Sudden rush from the big man! LARIAT~! The impact pinwheels Knife to the ground. Stank rebounds off the ropes and drops a fist. This one connects, but when Stank goes for the cover Knife grabs a quick roll-up. That gets a two count before the champ powers out with a bellow of frustration. Stank looks to wear Knife down with a wristlock but Knife shows surprising power to slide out with a fireman's carry. Standing switches as the two men jostle for control. They end up in the corner. Clean break. The action goes to the mat and the champ locks in the head scissors. Can you imagine the Stank from that? Knife does a headstand to setup an escape but Stank elbows him hard in the back to cut him off. Elbows to the knee give Knife enough room to wriggle out and he promptly slaps on a headlock. Stank powers to his feet and backdrops out but Knife pops up and snatches a front face lock.. Stank goes into the ropes. Clean break, but as soon as they're clear of the ropes, Knife grabs a side headlock: he's clearly trying to starve the big man of air. Must have been watching his CM Punk tapes. Back into the ropes and this time Stank's frustration gets the better of him as he chops Knife's chest on the break. Knife? Slaps on a headlock. Stank looks to suplex him off but Knife somehow hangs on. Stank's frustration is really showing now. He tries to backdrop his way out but Knife sweeps his leg. Roll-up! One! Two! Thr- Stank kicks out. The champ bails to the floor, kicking the barriers and tossing chairs around in his anger at how close he came to being pinned. Knife waits calmly on the inside. Stank back in. They tie up and Stank uses his power to overbear Knife, but the challenger manages to kick one hand free and rains strikes down on the other arm to force the champ to break. As soon as he does, Knife hits a standing dropkick to the shoulder, ducks a clothesline, and - SUPERKICK TO THE SHOULDER~! The champ is reeling. He drops to one knee. Knife dropkicks him in the face, springs up, and leg drops the damaged arm. Stank manages to kick him off before he can cover, but can't take up the offensive himself. Instead he rolls away to give his arm a change to recover. Knife on the offensive: he grabs another side headlock, deliberately coming at the side with the weakened arm. Stank can't elbow his way free, but does eventually manage to drive Knife's back into one of the turnbuckles and escape the hold that way. Earlier in the match, this might have been a clean break. Now, Stank lays in with closed fists and forearms from his good arm. Knife slumps in the corner. Running boot scrape from the champ, then he hauls Knife into the middle of the ring and slaps on a Boston Crab. He can't hold both legs due to his injured arm, so he transitions to a half Boston, really sitting down into it to wrench on Knife's back. The challenger just manages to make the ropes, but the momentum has clearly shifted. Chops and kicks from the champ, then a thunderous DDT, but it only gets two as Knife squirms out and bails to the floor to get some space. Stank climbs through the ropes to follow but that's exactly what Knife has been waiting for: he grabs the tops rope and leaps onto the apron: STAB~! Stank flies off the apron and slams into the barriers. A lesser man would be comatose but the champ surges to his feet with a bellow of rage, blood streaming from his forehead. He doesn't look to steady though and Knife tries to press the advantage by looking for a rana off the apron. Acting on instinct, the champ snatches the challenger out of the air: POWER BOMB TO THE FLOOR~! Both men slump to the concrete. The ref starts a ten count but at eight both men manage to drag themselves back inside. Weary looking lock-up, and Knife slides up to grab the head again, but this time when Stank immediately heads to the ropes the challenger spins the hold around and lands a mule kick to the face. Then he hits a couple more for good measure, but the following cover only gets two. Knife still on the attack: a neckbreaker and an implant DDT gets another two. Knife locks in a crossface chicken wing, really wrenching on the neck and arm. Stank fights it, fades, then comes back enough to just get his straining fingers to the ropes. Break and both men are back up. Knife looks for the STAB to finish things but it's one trip to the well too many in this match. Stank snatches the foot, hooks the challenger's knee over the ropes, and lays into him with MASSIVE forearms as the ref vainly calls for a break. The champ finally stops when the 5-count hits 4 and 9/10s, then promptly lariats Knife out of his boots. Cover, and if the ropes weren't right there it would be over, but the challenger grabs them at two. The champ hauls Knife up, then clotheslines him down. Stank to the second rope. STANKONIA! One! Two! Thre- KNIFE KICKS OUT~! The crowd goes berserk. Even the ref is clutching at his hair in amazement. Stank certainly can't believe it, but he recovers enough to lift Knife onto his shoulders, ready for the STANK-U. He's underestimated his opponent, however, as Knife slides off the back and locks in the rear naked choke! Now all those headlocks come into play as the already oxygen starved champion fights for breath. He staggers for the ropes, but stumbles to one knee as Knife does everything he can to drag the champ to the mat. Stank flails his good arm, but can't land a blow. The ref's asking the question, the champ's shaking his head, the crowd are on their feet - and then with one last gasp of energy Stank manages to roll his weight on top of Knife. The challenger's death grip on the champ suddenly turns against him as his shoulders are pinned to the mat, and he can't extricate himself in time. 1! 2! 3! WINNER BY PINFALL IN 42:53 AND STILL OOWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION -- STANK! Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Dead Baby Bonanza II Pay Per View! November 25th Live From Dreamland, Arizona! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem, Live! November 21st from Clackamas, Oregon!
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