Post by mooseheadjack on Apr 18, 2008 19:39:07 GMT -5
(The lights in the arena all turn black and the crowd begins to scream. Suddenly the face of GIR from Invader
Zim appears on the TrOOpTron.)
GIR: DOOMY DOOMY DOOM DOOM!
PA: BANG BANG BANG BANG BOOM!
(The fireworks go off and Seether's "Out Of My Way" plays over the PA System as the lights come on.)
JP: Ladies and gentlemen, we are LIVE in Columbus, Ohio, one of the few swing states that still matter!
Welcome to Doomy Doomy Doom Doom!
Razz: Tell you what, tonight we'd like to remind our fans to get out the vote. Even though anyone not already regularly voting is probably too ignorant to be in the political system anyway, P. Diddy has threatened to shoot us if we don't support his "Vote Or Die!" campaign. So to get a registration form-
PA: BONG.
BONG.
BARK.
Underdawg vs. Hardbody Harris-Semifinal Tournament Match
Underdawg and Hardbody Harris lock up to start it off, but Underdawg manages to throw off Hardbody a couple times. UnderDawg turns to acknowledge the crowd, as does Hardbody Harris. The crowd is split between "Under-Dawg" and "Double-H" chants. Underdawg and Hardbody go back and forth with a series of holds, with UnderDawg getting the advantage with a tight Dragon Sleeper. Hardbody manages to break the hold with a modified bulldog, leaving both opponents stunned. HH and UD begin trading punches, with UnderDawg busting the #1 Face open. UD twists the arm over and over and goes for a Dawg School, but Harris climbs atop the rope, following. their balance is unsteadied, and Harris goes flying off the ropes as UnderDawg crotches himself. Donovan Viper comes out from under the ring and nails Harris between the eyes with a pair of brass knux while the referee is preoccupied with UnderDawg. Viper slips back under the ring as the referee begins to count HH out. While his back is turned, Maximo Morte runs in from the audience and attacks Under Dawg with what appears to be some kind of "fireball". UnderDawg rolls around and smothers the flames as Viper comes into the ring. The referee turns around to see DDV and MM throwing punches in the middle of the ring. Security comes out and seperates them as Hardbody rolls back into the ring. UnderDawg catches him with a goozle, but Hardbody manages to kick the referee down before recieving the chokeslam. UD attempts to wake the referee, then goes to stomping on Hardbody, who isn't moving. the referee finally comes to, and UnderDawg slowly pulls HH up again by the throat. Hardbody Harris pops up suddenly though, and hits the TO BE EDITED IN LATER! Hardbody gets the cover and the referee makes a rather fast count to declare Hardbody the winner in...
JP: "a match that will forever mar the credibility of the World Title!"
Winner-Hardbody Harris by pinfall in 8:03
UnderDawg sits up in the ring as Harris leaves. He rolls back his eyes and smiles a disturbing smile as the crowd pipes in with unsure cheers.
Outback Jack vs. Blade-Semifinal Tournament Match
The two rivals begin to tear into each otehr at the beginning. Outback Jack is made to stop biting by the referee, so Blade starts to bite in. Ref breaks that, Outback Jack chokes Blade. Ref break, Blade chokes OBJ. Nothing resembling wrestling really begins until the 3-minute mark when Outback Jack puts Blade in a chinlock. The crowd chants "Bor-ing" so Outback Jack says "Screw it" and DDTs Blade.
Razz: This ain't WWE, and there ain't no main event chinlocks!
Jack goes for a cover, kickout. Tries again, kickout. OBJ throws Blade into the corner and works on him with a series of forearms, but Blade pulls OBJ in by his arm facefirst into the turnbuckle. Blade comes up with a Ryuujinsen out of nowhere, and is about to go for the cover when-
PA: DON'T HATE THE GATOR! HATE THE BAIT!
GatorBait walks out as the audience collectively goes "Huh?" Blade rolls out of the ring for a moment to tell GatorBait to go back to the locker room. Gatorbait refuses as Outback Jack rolls out of the ring, and starts exchanging right-hands with Blade. Blade whips Outback Jack into the steel steps as GB looks on. Blade rolls back into the ring as the ref begins to could OBJ out. GB walks over to OBJ and helps him back up. OBJ whips around and stares at GB, who stares at him straight back. Blade really hates staring contests, so he baseball slides them both. He rolls Jack back into the ring and goes for the cover, but Outback gets his foot on the ropes. Blade comes off the ropes with a clothesline as Outback gets up, but Jack locks in a Croc Hunter on Blade. Blade flips his body over though, getting OBJ on his back. Blade puts his feet on the ropes as Gator Bait watches on. The referee counts: 1,2,3.
Winner: Blade by pinfall at 6:57
Outback Jack gives pursuit to the cheating Blade, but Blade knees him in the gut, and drops him with a standing leg drop. Out of nowhere, GatorBait nails Blade with a steel chair. He looks at Outback Jack, and simply drops the chair on him. GatorBait leaves as the audience boos.
JP: Is it even allowed at this point to have a match end fair-and-square? Like, someone beats someone, and therefore, they lost?
Razz: Coming up next is Hellion and Corax taking on TWO Establishment teams, Ecosystem and LI, as well as Moosehead Jack and Grunt!
JP: You know what, forget I asked.
Hellion/Croax vs. Ecosystem/LI vs. Moosehead Jack/Grunt-For The OOWF Tag Titles
PA: Establish Dominance. Establish Control. Establish Ment.
The Establishment enters the ring where Hellion and Corax are already stationed. They surround all four sides and hop up, setting off a pyro. The referee quickly esstablishes order in the ring, putting Hellion, Corax, Ecosystem, and Moosehead Jack in corners. Grunt and LI stare at each other for a little bit.
LI: Lay down.
Grunt: No. You lay down.
LI: Lay down, stupid American.
Grunt: STUPID~!!?!~??!?~!
!?
Grunt whips LI into a corner and splashes into him. Eco calls off Grunt, threatening him with cutting his salary. Eco glares at Moosehead Jack who just shrugs. LI tags in an unwilling Corax who locks up with Grunt, and is quickly spinebustered for his troubles. Grunt hooks him up for a powerbomb, but Hellion's shouting distracts Grunt and Corax goes down the back to flip Grunt and lock in a Trickster's Trap. Grunt howls in pain as he makes it to the ropes. Grunt, grabbing his knee, rolls over to Moosehead Jack and tags him in. Moosehead Jack wastes no time in ripping off the turnbuckle pad and smashing Corax's face into it, grinding to make him bleed. The referee threatens to disqualify Moosehead Jack, but Ecosystem threatens that if he does, he'll be fired.
JP: Well that's not right at all! He's just doing his job!
Hellion comes in to offset that logic with a Hell's Fury to Eco. LI runs in and nearly takes Hellion's head off with a Shining Wizard. Moosehead whips Corax out of the corner, who hops off the on-all-fours LI to Asai Jack! Corax goes for the cover but LI breaks it up at two. Corax spits in LI's eye as Grunt comes back in the ring, and a blinded LI nails Grunt with a lariat to his sternum. Ecosystem pulls Corax in from behind, however, and nails an Endgame. HIS cover is broken up by Hellion, who throws him over the ropes. Moosehead Jack takes a huge swing and nails Hellion with a heart punch, causing him to collapse.
Razz: Gee, I miss Stan Stasiak.
As the referee forces LI out of the ring, Brad "The Biscuit" Smoley comes out of nowhere and nails Moosehead Jack with a glass bottle to the head. Brad literally rolls out of the ring as LI breaks free of the referee and attacks Brad outside the ring. The referee goes to break it up as Corax and Hellion hit a double team Hell's Fury on Moosehead inside the ring. Eco climbs to the top turnbuckle and comes off with a crossbody, but Hellion and Corax duck and Eco nails Grunt. Hellion low blows Eco and rolls him up just as the referee turns around. Corax keeps LI outside the ring just long enough for a quick cover-1-2-3!
Winners-Hellion and Corax when Hellion pinned Eco at 5:17
JP: As we speak, the 6-foot cage is lowering from the celing!
Razz: You mean, the "Dragon's Den", JP!
JP: Oh....yes....that.
Black Dragon vs. Canadian Dragon-Dragon's Den match
BD and CD start off with a series of punches back and forth, with Black Dragon ducking and hopping up with a martial arts kick. He flips toward the ropes and nails Canadian Dragon with a handspring elbow. Goes for the cover, 2-count. Black Dragon locks in an armbar, but CD flips him with an armdrag. BD gets up, armdragged again. BD gets up and keeps CD at bay with a "fireball" spew of red mist.
JP: These gusy are just coping off Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat!
Razz: Who's that?
JP: Like The Rick, but much less cOOl.
BD locks a full-nelson on CD and hits a full-nelson bomb. He tries to climb over the cage, but Canadian Dragon reaches out to pull him down by his tights. BD flips off with a Descending Dragon, but Canadian pulls in close, and Black EATS canvas. Canadian begins to climb up the cage, but suddenly, a pyro blows up in Canadian Dragon's face, dropping him to the mat as he rolls around in pain. Black Dragon stands up, laughing and holding a remote control. BD easily climbs over the cage and gets out.
Winner: Black Dragon by escape in 3:07
Black Dragon yells "WELCOME TO THE DRAGON'S DEN!" as Canadian Dragon slowly regains his senses, seething with anger.
Razz: Well, that was a waste of a cage.
JP: Razz! Anyway folks, it's time for the Quarter-Dollar Hooker Search! Who will win the 25 cents and the OOWF contract?
Tamika vs. Ayaka-Ron Jeremy On A Pole Match For The Quarter-Dollar Hooker Search Title
Guest Referee: Brad "The Biscuit" Smoley!
Tamika starts off with an eye rake to Ayaka and a kidney shot. Ayaka jumps onto Tamika, and we have this incredibly generic catfight ON~! They roll around in a circle for about a minute finally landing on number 36. Did anyone put any chips on number 36? Ayaka monkey flips Tamika over her head, and begins to climb up to get to Ron Jeremy. Tamika, however, pulls a gum on Ayaka. Ayaka manages to karate kick the gun out of Tamika's hand, and floors Tamika with a second kick. The white male portion of the crowd cheers at seeing their stereotypes reinforced, while Jesse Jackson and Junichiro Koizumi are crying somewhere. Ayaka frees Ron Jeremy from the pole.
Winner-Ayaka by Ron Jeremy in 1:32
Ayaka is handed a microphone and her quarter-dollar by Brad "The Biscuit" Smoley.
Brad: Is there anything you would like to say to the fans at home?
Ayaka: DON'T GO FOR IT, ELECTRIC BOY!
Razz: Say what?
JP: I have no idea. If any pOOster gets the joke, I will be very proud.
Razz: So what's next? Do I get to beat you up yet?
JP: I truly doubt you will-
Razz: RAZZMISSION!
JP: YAAH!
L.D. Williams vs. Eric O'Mac-Hardcore Match
The match starts up on the ramp, where the two contestants roll down in a manner oddly like the two catfight contestants. Eric whips L.D. into the steel steps and goes for a Stinger Splash, but L.D. moves out of the way. LD pulls a chair out from under the ring and goes upside EOM's head with it. LD goes for the cover, but EOM kicks out. LD searches under the ring and finds a bullrope, which he tightens around EOM's neck. EOM pulls the rope down from behind, though, pulling LD facefirst into the steel chair. Eric and LD both stick their heads under the ring for no discernable reason, and come out bleeding.
JP: What a well-concealed blade job...I mean, BY GOSH THEY'RE BUSTED OPEN!
Eric manages to pull a fire extinguisher out from under the ring and sprays it in LD's face. That can't mix well with blood. EOM positions Williams over the barricade and goes up to the apron. Eric starts an "Eric-O-Mac" chant, complete with thumbs, and then comes off the apron with a spinning leg drop. Eric feels so good about ripping off RVD once, he decides to do it twice! He rolls LD into the ring, and goes up to the top rope. EOM comes off with a Frog Splash, but LD moves out of the way. Splat. LD takes advantage with an STF, and Eric O'Mac is flailing. EOM makes it to the ropes, but Williams doesn't have to release in a hardcore match. Eric leverages off the ropes to pull through while kicking LD with the free leg, breaking the hold. LD rolls out of the ring and puts on a pair of brass knuckles. He swings at Eric as he gets up, but is simultaniously met with a brass knuckle punch by Eric. QUE COINCIDENCIA~! Eric manages to stumble up and sets up a table against the barricade. LD comes out with a chair swing that misses Eric and hits the table. Eric nails LD with a Mac Drop through the table and goes for the successful cover in the wreckage.
Winner-Eric O'Mac by pinfall in 4:58
JP: What an excellent way to cap off the night!
Razz: Cap off the night?
JP: Oh geez, there's more?
Razz: Yep.
JP: Great.
"Concrete" Takaken Gryfon vs. Johnny Adrenaline-I-C Title Match
Takaken and Johnny start off with the usual face/heel schtick-armbar, armdrags, eyepokes, chops, punches, etc. Takaken flips Johnny with a beely-to-belly suplex, causing Johnny to exclaim: "No fair using a real move!" So then Johnny takes Concrete off his feet with a series of three Germans. Takaken switches over with a snapmare into a rear chinlock, but the referee breaks it up.
Referee: NO FREAKING CHINLOCKS!
Takaken opts to use the much cooler Satellite armbar legscissor hold, which he uses to force Johnny into a pinning predicament. Johnny gets his shoulder up and rolls over to try to pin Concrete, who releases the hold to kick out. TG nails JA with a series of kicks, but JA catches one and pulls TG in for a clothesline. Johnny goes up top and comes off with a flying elbow, but you can't hit other OOWF wrestlers' finishers, so TG rolls out of the way. Upon reading the above line, Takaken observes that it must be okay to use a Stone Cold Stunner, and does so. But Johnny doesn't understand why that move is supposed to hurt, and opts not to sell it.
Razz: Everyone's a smark these days.
Johnny followsup with a boot to the gut and a sit-out powerbomb. He goes for the cover, but Concrete kips up into his own pin. Johnny kicks out, and pulls Concrete into a half Boston-Crab. Concrete makes it to the ropes, and comes off them with an Asai to Johnny while he's arguing with the referee. REF BUMP~! The entire face and heel locker rooms come out and beat the tar out of Johnny and Gryfon, respectively. This referee forgot to sell however, so everyone has to run away really fast. Gryfon pulls himself up by the ropes, but misses with a kick to Johnny's head. Johnny capitalizes with a boot to the gut and hoists Takaken onto the ropes. Johnny attempts an Adrenaline Rush, but TG rolls through with a brainbuster. The ref starts his countdown, but both participants are up at 5. Johnny makes a run at TG, but is suplexed backfirst into the turnbuckles. He lands on his neck and stumbles up, only to get caught in the Scaffold. After a long period of struggling, attempted pin reversals, and reaching for the ropes, Johnny taps out.
Winner-"Concrete" Takaken Gryfon by submission in 14:12
Razz: So we've got a Jap as I-C Champ?
JP: I KNEW YOU'RE PREDJUDICED! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!
Razz: Why?
JP: YOU SAID JAP! I HEARD YOU!
Razz: Hey! You said Jap! You racist redneck!
Crowd: BOOOO!
Maximo Morte vs. Gimmickman vs. "Dangerous" Donnie Viper-For a #1 Contenders' Spot.
Maximo and Viper fight down the ramp surrounded by the same security group as before. Way to do your job, guys. Stupid local indie workers. Gimmickman whistles as he sets up the ladder, and Spartan Plunges a security guard that happens to walk in the ring for the heck of it. Viper and Morte notice the ladder set up, and run in to stop Gimmickman from climbing it. Gimmickman jumps off the ladder with a double clothesline to both of his opponents. Morte makes the lights go out with a snap of his fingers. All that can be seen are Donnie Viper's spooky glowing eyes. That makes him a really easy target, and we see those eyes go flying into the audience.
Razz: Why would you want eyes that glow anyway?
The lights go back on, and Gimmickman is standing alone in the ring. He begins to scale the ladder, but Morte nails him with fire extinguisher spray through the ladder rungs, sending him down. Morte begins to scale the ladder, but Viper comes in and mounts Maximo's back. What follows is an interesting balance between homosexual overtones, the obvious uncomfortableness of the fans and competitiors, and the simple scaling of the ladder. By the time both are up top, Gimmickman is too, and he Spartan Plunges EVERYONE off the ladder, onto some security guards that cushion their fall. So that's their job, eh? GimmickMan, being the guy that DIDN'T recieve the move, climbs up the ladder (which is still standing, somehow) and grabs the Nothing to win!
Winner: Gimmickman in 6:03 by scaling the ladder.
JP: OUR TURN!
JP vs. Razz-Special Challenge Match
Razz puts JP in a Razzmission and laughs heartily. JP simply falls on his butt to execute a Redneck Stunner. Huh. Didn't see that coming. JP rolls on top of Razz for the 1-2-3.
Winner: JP by pinfall in 0:28
The announcers waddle back to their table as we get ready for our MAIN EVENT~!
Hardbody Harris vs. Blade vs. Microplay-World Freaking Title Match
Microplay stands in the middle of his tired opponents and chops them both across the chest. They attempt to punch him, but he ducks and they hit each other. Microplay picks Hardbody Harris up and hits a pumphandle slam, followed by a standing seanton. Unfortunately, he decides to gloat for approx. 1 second, which leaves him open for a TO BE EDITED IN LATER! Yay face comebacks! Blade catches Hardbody with a splash in the corner, followed by mounted punching. Hardbody drops Blade with a powerbomb out of the corner and climbs to the top rope, but Microplay grabs the rope and he crotches himself. Microplay hops up to the top. SUPERPLEX ON TOP OF BLADE~! Blade positions his leg on top of his opponents, half of Harris is covering Microplay and Blade, and half of Microplay is covering Blade and Harris. An insanely confused referee makes the count.
Winner: EVERYONE~?
Eco comes out with a microphone.
Eco: What is this, the special olympics? Restart the match!
The match is restarted, and Harris snap suplexes Microplay, both of whom are legdropped by Blade. Blade whips Harris into the ropes but is shoulderblocked by Microplay who catches a lariat from Harris.
Blade catches a confused HH with a bulldog, but Blade is tripped up by Microplay. Microplay puts a double Bston Crab (one leg each) on his opponents, who team up to kick him off. They try to double clothesline him, but he ducks that and neckbreakers them both. Blade, ever the opportunist, covers Harris. This makes Microplay annoyed, and he throws Blade into a security guard that stuck around from before. This gives Hardbody time to roll Microplay up, but Microplay grabs the rope. the referee doesn't see it though and makes the pinfall.
Winner: I guess Hardbody...
Heel-Loving Smark Crowd: ROPE GRAB YOU IDIOT!
The referee restarts the match again. Blade runs in swinging the security guard and takes down both opponents. The security guard gets mad and picks everyone up, spinebustering them all. He takes off his sunglasses and it's Moosehead Jack!
JP/Razz: WHAAAAA?
Moosehead Jack lines up to attack Hardbody, but Hardbody nails him with a TO BE EDITED IN LATER! Well, actually he completely misses! But Jack sells it anyway just so the match doesn't turn into a triple-DQ thingy. Way to take one for the team, Jack. For no apparant reason, Blade is still down (probably because he was at the bottom of the spinebuster) and Microplay comes off the top rope with a big elbowdrop. Harris tries to break up the cover, but two hands actually reach through the mat and hold him down. WHAT?!?!?! Microplay gets the 1-2-3.
Winner: Microplay by pinfall on Blade at 12:01
The body with the hands rises through the mat. UNDERDAWG~! Cloaked figures surround the ring and walk in, surrounding Harris. He searches for help, but Microplay and Blade hightail it. Maximo runs in, but gets chokeslammed on arrival. Harris starts attacking UnderDawg, but the cloaked figures pull him off and execute a quadruple powerbomb. UnderDawg lifts Harris and Fire Hydrant Piledrives him. UnderDawg puts his foot on Harris as his minions count a 1-2-3 cover. They remove their hoods to reveal: HELLION! CORAX! DONNIE VIPER! BRAD SMOLEY! (Brad Smoley?) UnderDawg grabs a microphone.
UnderDawg: Behold...the Ministry of Dawgness. Rest....In.....Grease.
UnderDawg rolls back his eyes as a wolf howls somewhere.
-Fade to OOWF Logo-
Zim appears on the TrOOpTron.)
GIR: DOOMY DOOMY DOOM DOOM!
PA: BANG BANG BANG BANG BOOM!
(The fireworks go off and Seether's "Out Of My Way" plays over the PA System as the lights come on.)
JP: Ladies and gentlemen, we are LIVE in Columbus, Ohio, one of the few swing states that still matter!
Welcome to Doomy Doomy Doom Doom!
Razz: Tell you what, tonight we'd like to remind our fans to get out the vote. Even though anyone not already regularly voting is probably too ignorant to be in the political system anyway, P. Diddy has threatened to shoot us if we don't support his "Vote Or Die!" campaign. So to get a registration form-
PA: BONG.
BONG.
BARK.
Underdawg vs. Hardbody Harris-Semifinal Tournament Match
Underdawg and Hardbody Harris lock up to start it off, but Underdawg manages to throw off Hardbody a couple times. UnderDawg turns to acknowledge the crowd, as does Hardbody Harris. The crowd is split between "Under-Dawg" and "Double-H" chants. Underdawg and Hardbody go back and forth with a series of holds, with UnderDawg getting the advantage with a tight Dragon Sleeper. Hardbody manages to break the hold with a modified bulldog, leaving both opponents stunned. HH and UD begin trading punches, with UnderDawg busting the #1 Face open. UD twists the arm over and over and goes for a Dawg School, but Harris climbs atop the rope, following. their balance is unsteadied, and Harris goes flying off the ropes as UnderDawg crotches himself. Donovan Viper comes out from under the ring and nails Harris between the eyes with a pair of brass knux while the referee is preoccupied with UnderDawg. Viper slips back under the ring as the referee begins to count HH out. While his back is turned, Maximo Morte runs in from the audience and attacks Under Dawg with what appears to be some kind of "fireball". UnderDawg rolls around and smothers the flames as Viper comes into the ring. The referee turns around to see DDV and MM throwing punches in the middle of the ring. Security comes out and seperates them as Hardbody rolls back into the ring. UnderDawg catches him with a goozle, but Hardbody manages to kick the referee down before recieving the chokeslam. UD attempts to wake the referee, then goes to stomping on Hardbody, who isn't moving. the referee finally comes to, and UnderDawg slowly pulls HH up again by the throat. Hardbody Harris pops up suddenly though, and hits the TO BE EDITED IN LATER! Hardbody gets the cover and the referee makes a rather fast count to declare Hardbody the winner in...
JP: "a match that will forever mar the credibility of the World Title!"
Winner-Hardbody Harris by pinfall in 8:03
UnderDawg sits up in the ring as Harris leaves. He rolls back his eyes and smiles a disturbing smile as the crowd pipes in with unsure cheers.
Outback Jack vs. Blade-Semifinal Tournament Match
The two rivals begin to tear into each otehr at the beginning. Outback Jack is made to stop biting by the referee, so Blade starts to bite in. Ref breaks that, Outback Jack chokes Blade. Ref break, Blade chokes OBJ. Nothing resembling wrestling really begins until the 3-minute mark when Outback Jack puts Blade in a chinlock. The crowd chants "Bor-ing" so Outback Jack says "Screw it" and DDTs Blade.
Razz: This ain't WWE, and there ain't no main event chinlocks!
Jack goes for a cover, kickout. Tries again, kickout. OBJ throws Blade into the corner and works on him with a series of forearms, but Blade pulls OBJ in by his arm facefirst into the turnbuckle. Blade comes up with a Ryuujinsen out of nowhere, and is about to go for the cover when-
PA: DON'T HATE THE GATOR! HATE THE BAIT!
GatorBait walks out as the audience collectively goes "Huh?" Blade rolls out of the ring for a moment to tell GatorBait to go back to the locker room. Gatorbait refuses as Outback Jack rolls out of the ring, and starts exchanging right-hands with Blade. Blade whips Outback Jack into the steel steps as GB looks on. Blade rolls back into the ring as the ref begins to could OBJ out. GB walks over to OBJ and helps him back up. OBJ whips around and stares at GB, who stares at him straight back. Blade really hates staring contests, so he baseball slides them both. He rolls Jack back into the ring and goes for the cover, but Outback gets his foot on the ropes. Blade comes off the ropes with a clothesline as Outback gets up, but Jack locks in a Croc Hunter on Blade. Blade flips his body over though, getting OBJ on his back. Blade puts his feet on the ropes as Gator Bait watches on. The referee counts: 1,2,3.
Winner: Blade by pinfall at 6:57
Outback Jack gives pursuit to the cheating Blade, but Blade knees him in the gut, and drops him with a standing leg drop. Out of nowhere, GatorBait nails Blade with a steel chair. He looks at Outback Jack, and simply drops the chair on him. GatorBait leaves as the audience boos.
JP: Is it even allowed at this point to have a match end fair-and-square? Like, someone beats someone, and therefore, they lost?
Razz: Coming up next is Hellion and Corax taking on TWO Establishment teams, Ecosystem and LI, as well as Moosehead Jack and Grunt!
JP: You know what, forget I asked.
Hellion/Croax vs. Ecosystem/LI vs. Moosehead Jack/Grunt-For The OOWF Tag Titles
PA: Establish Dominance. Establish Control. Establish Ment.
The Establishment enters the ring where Hellion and Corax are already stationed. They surround all four sides and hop up, setting off a pyro. The referee quickly esstablishes order in the ring, putting Hellion, Corax, Ecosystem, and Moosehead Jack in corners. Grunt and LI stare at each other for a little bit.
LI: Lay down.
Grunt: No. You lay down.
LI: Lay down, stupid American.
Grunt: STUPID~!!?!~??!?~!
!?Grunt whips LI into a corner and splashes into him. Eco calls off Grunt, threatening him with cutting his salary. Eco glares at Moosehead Jack who just shrugs. LI tags in an unwilling Corax who locks up with Grunt, and is quickly spinebustered for his troubles. Grunt hooks him up for a powerbomb, but Hellion's shouting distracts Grunt and Corax goes down the back to flip Grunt and lock in a Trickster's Trap. Grunt howls in pain as he makes it to the ropes. Grunt, grabbing his knee, rolls over to Moosehead Jack and tags him in. Moosehead Jack wastes no time in ripping off the turnbuckle pad and smashing Corax's face into it, grinding to make him bleed. The referee threatens to disqualify Moosehead Jack, but Ecosystem threatens that if he does, he'll be fired.
JP: Well that's not right at all! He's just doing his job!
Hellion comes in to offset that logic with a Hell's Fury to Eco. LI runs in and nearly takes Hellion's head off with a Shining Wizard. Moosehead whips Corax out of the corner, who hops off the on-all-fours LI to Asai Jack! Corax goes for the cover but LI breaks it up at two. Corax spits in LI's eye as Grunt comes back in the ring, and a blinded LI nails Grunt with a lariat to his sternum. Ecosystem pulls Corax in from behind, however, and nails an Endgame. HIS cover is broken up by Hellion, who throws him over the ropes. Moosehead Jack takes a huge swing and nails Hellion with a heart punch, causing him to collapse.
Razz: Gee, I miss Stan Stasiak.
As the referee forces LI out of the ring, Brad "The Biscuit" Smoley comes out of nowhere and nails Moosehead Jack with a glass bottle to the head. Brad literally rolls out of the ring as LI breaks free of the referee and attacks Brad outside the ring. The referee goes to break it up as Corax and Hellion hit a double team Hell's Fury on Moosehead inside the ring. Eco climbs to the top turnbuckle and comes off with a crossbody, but Hellion and Corax duck and Eco nails Grunt. Hellion low blows Eco and rolls him up just as the referee turns around. Corax keeps LI outside the ring just long enough for a quick cover-1-2-3!
Winners-Hellion and Corax when Hellion pinned Eco at 5:17
JP: As we speak, the 6-foot cage is lowering from the celing!
Razz: You mean, the "Dragon's Den", JP!
JP: Oh....yes....that.
Black Dragon vs. Canadian Dragon-Dragon's Den match
BD and CD start off with a series of punches back and forth, with Black Dragon ducking and hopping up with a martial arts kick. He flips toward the ropes and nails Canadian Dragon with a handspring elbow. Goes for the cover, 2-count. Black Dragon locks in an armbar, but CD flips him with an armdrag. BD gets up, armdragged again. BD gets up and keeps CD at bay with a "fireball" spew of red mist.
JP: These gusy are just coping off Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat!
Razz: Who's that?
JP: Like The Rick, but much less cOOl.
BD locks a full-nelson on CD and hits a full-nelson bomb. He tries to climb over the cage, but Canadian Dragon reaches out to pull him down by his tights. BD flips off with a Descending Dragon, but Canadian pulls in close, and Black EATS canvas. Canadian begins to climb up the cage, but suddenly, a pyro blows up in Canadian Dragon's face, dropping him to the mat as he rolls around in pain. Black Dragon stands up, laughing and holding a remote control. BD easily climbs over the cage and gets out.
Winner: Black Dragon by escape in 3:07
Black Dragon yells "WELCOME TO THE DRAGON'S DEN!" as Canadian Dragon slowly regains his senses, seething with anger.
Razz: Well, that was a waste of a cage.
JP: Razz! Anyway folks, it's time for the Quarter-Dollar Hooker Search! Who will win the 25 cents and the OOWF contract?
Tamika vs. Ayaka-Ron Jeremy On A Pole Match For The Quarter-Dollar Hooker Search Title
Guest Referee: Brad "The Biscuit" Smoley!
Tamika starts off with an eye rake to Ayaka and a kidney shot. Ayaka jumps onto Tamika, and we have this incredibly generic catfight ON~! They roll around in a circle for about a minute finally landing on number 36. Did anyone put any chips on number 36? Ayaka monkey flips Tamika over her head, and begins to climb up to get to Ron Jeremy. Tamika, however, pulls a gum on Ayaka. Ayaka manages to karate kick the gun out of Tamika's hand, and floors Tamika with a second kick. The white male portion of the crowd cheers at seeing their stereotypes reinforced, while Jesse Jackson and Junichiro Koizumi are crying somewhere. Ayaka frees Ron Jeremy from the pole.
Winner-Ayaka by Ron Jeremy in 1:32
Ayaka is handed a microphone and her quarter-dollar by Brad "The Biscuit" Smoley.
Brad: Is there anything you would like to say to the fans at home?
Ayaka: DON'T GO FOR IT, ELECTRIC BOY!
Razz: Say what?
JP: I have no idea. If any pOOster gets the joke, I will be very proud.
Razz: So what's next? Do I get to beat you up yet?
JP: I truly doubt you will-
Razz: RAZZMISSION!
JP: YAAH!
L.D. Williams vs. Eric O'Mac-Hardcore Match
The match starts up on the ramp, where the two contestants roll down in a manner oddly like the two catfight contestants. Eric whips L.D. into the steel steps and goes for a Stinger Splash, but L.D. moves out of the way. LD pulls a chair out from under the ring and goes upside EOM's head with it. LD goes for the cover, but EOM kicks out. LD searches under the ring and finds a bullrope, which he tightens around EOM's neck. EOM pulls the rope down from behind, though, pulling LD facefirst into the steel chair. Eric and LD both stick their heads under the ring for no discernable reason, and come out bleeding.
JP: What a well-concealed blade job...I mean, BY GOSH THEY'RE BUSTED OPEN!
Eric manages to pull a fire extinguisher out from under the ring and sprays it in LD's face. That can't mix well with blood. EOM positions Williams over the barricade and goes up to the apron. Eric starts an "Eric-O-Mac" chant, complete with thumbs, and then comes off the apron with a spinning leg drop. Eric feels so good about ripping off RVD once, he decides to do it twice! He rolls LD into the ring, and goes up to the top rope. EOM comes off with a Frog Splash, but LD moves out of the way. Splat. LD takes advantage with an STF, and Eric O'Mac is flailing. EOM makes it to the ropes, but Williams doesn't have to release in a hardcore match. Eric leverages off the ropes to pull through while kicking LD with the free leg, breaking the hold. LD rolls out of the ring and puts on a pair of brass knuckles. He swings at Eric as he gets up, but is simultaniously met with a brass knuckle punch by Eric. QUE COINCIDENCIA~! Eric manages to stumble up and sets up a table against the barricade. LD comes out with a chair swing that misses Eric and hits the table. Eric nails LD with a Mac Drop through the table and goes for the successful cover in the wreckage.
Winner-Eric O'Mac by pinfall in 4:58
JP: What an excellent way to cap off the night!
Razz: Cap off the night?
JP: Oh geez, there's more?
Razz: Yep.
JP: Great.
"Concrete" Takaken Gryfon vs. Johnny Adrenaline-I-C Title Match
Takaken and Johnny start off with the usual face/heel schtick-armbar, armdrags, eyepokes, chops, punches, etc. Takaken flips Johnny with a beely-to-belly suplex, causing Johnny to exclaim: "No fair using a real move!" So then Johnny takes Concrete off his feet with a series of three Germans. Takaken switches over with a snapmare into a rear chinlock, but the referee breaks it up.
Referee: NO FREAKING CHINLOCKS!
Takaken opts to use the much cooler Satellite armbar legscissor hold, which he uses to force Johnny into a pinning predicament. Johnny gets his shoulder up and rolls over to try to pin Concrete, who releases the hold to kick out. TG nails JA with a series of kicks, but JA catches one and pulls TG in for a clothesline. Johnny goes up top and comes off with a flying elbow, but you can't hit other OOWF wrestlers' finishers, so TG rolls out of the way. Upon reading the above line, Takaken observes that it must be okay to use a Stone Cold Stunner, and does so. But Johnny doesn't understand why that move is supposed to hurt, and opts not to sell it.
Razz: Everyone's a smark these days.
Johnny followsup with a boot to the gut and a sit-out powerbomb. He goes for the cover, but Concrete kips up into his own pin. Johnny kicks out, and pulls Concrete into a half Boston-Crab. Concrete makes it to the ropes, and comes off them with an Asai to Johnny while he's arguing with the referee. REF BUMP~! The entire face and heel locker rooms come out and beat the tar out of Johnny and Gryfon, respectively. This referee forgot to sell however, so everyone has to run away really fast. Gryfon pulls himself up by the ropes, but misses with a kick to Johnny's head. Johnny capitalizes with a boot to the gut and hoists Takaken onto the ropes. Johnny attempts an Adrenaline Rush, but TG rolls through with a brainbuster. The ref starts his countdown, but both participants are up at 5. Johnny makes a run at TG, but is suplexed backfirst into the turnbuckles. He lands on his neck and stumbles up, only to get caught in the Scaffold. After a long period of struggling, attempted pin reversals, and reaching for the ropes, Johnny taps out.
Winner-"Concrete" Takaken Gryfon by submission in 14:12
Razz: So we've got a Jap as I-C Champ?
JP: I KNEW YOU'RE PREDJUDICED! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!
Razz: Why?
JP: YOU SAID JAP! I HEARD YOU!
Razz: Hey! You said Jap! You racist redneck!
Crowd: BOOOO!
Maximo Morte vs. Gimmickman vs. "Dangerous" Donnie Viper-For a #1 Contenders' Spot.
Maximo and Viper fight down the ramp surrounded by the same security group as before. Way to do your job, guys. Stupid local indie workers. Gimmickman whistles as he sets up the ladder, and Spartan Plunges a security guard that happens to walk in the ring for the heck of it. Viper and Morte notice the ladder set up, and run in to stop Gimmickman from climbing it. Gimmickman jumps off the ladder with a double clothesline to both of his opponents. Morte makes the lights go out with a snap of his fingers. All that can be seen are Donnie Viper's spooky glowing eyes. That makes him a really easy target, and we see those eyes go flying into the audience.
Razz: Why would you want eyes that glow anyway?
The lights go back on, and Gimmickman is standing alone in the ring. He begins to scale the ladder, but Morte nails him with fire extinguisher spray through the ladder rungs, sending him down. Morte begins to scale the ladder, but Viper comes in and mounts Maximo's back. What follows is an interesting balance between homosexual overtones, the obvious uncomfortableness of the fans and competitiors, and the simple scaling of the ladder. By the time both are up top, Gimmickman is too, and he Spartan Plunges EVERYONE off the ladder, onto some security guards that cushion their fall. So that's their job, eh? GimmickMan, being the guy that DIDN'T recieve the move, climbs up the ladder (which is still standing, somehow) and grabs the Nothing to win!
Winner: Gimmickman in 6:03 by scaling the ladder.
JP: OUR TURN!
JP vs. Razz-Special Challenge Match
Razz puts JP in a Razzmission and laughs heartily. JP simply falls on his butt to execute a Redneck Stunner. Huh. Didn't see that coming. JP rolls on top of Razz for the 1-2-3.
Winner: JP by pinfall in 0:28
The announcers waddle back to their table as we get ready for our MAIN EVENT~!
Hardbody Harris vs. Blade vs. Microplay-World Freaking Title Match
Microplay stands in the middle of his tired opponents and chops them both across the chest. They attempt to punch him, but he ducks and they hit each other. Microplay picks Hardbody Harris up and hits a pumphandle slam, followed by a standing seanton. Unfortunately, he decides to gloat for approx. 1 second, which leaves him open for a TO BE EDITED IN LATER! Yay face comebacks! Blade catches Hardbody with a splash in the corner, followed by mounted punching. Hardbody drops Blade with a powerbomb out of the corner and climbs to the top rope, but Microplay grabs the rope and he crotches himself. Microplay hops up to the top. SUPERPLEX ON TOP OF BLADE~! Blade positions his leg on top of his opponents, half of Harris is covering Microplay and Blade, and half of Microplay is covering Blade and Harris. An insanely confused referee makes the count.
Winner: EVERYONE~?
Eco comes out with a microphone.
Eco: What is this, the special olympics? Restart the match!
The match is restarted, and Harris snap suplexes Microplay, both of whom are legdropped by Blade. Blade whips Harris into the ropes but is shoulderblocked by Microplay who catches a lariat from Harris.
Blade catches a confused HH with a bulldog, but Blade is tripped up by Microplay. Microplay puts a double Bston Crab (one leg each) on his opponents, who team up to kick him off. They try to double clothesline him, but he ducks that and neckbreakers them both. Blade, ever the opportunist, covers Harris. This makes Microplay annoyed, and he throws Blade into a security guard that stuck around from before. This gives Hardbody time to roll Microplay up, but Microplay grabs the rope. the referee doesn't see it though and makes the pinfall.
Winner: I guess Hardbody...
Heel-Loving Smark Crowd: ROPE GRAB YOU IDIOT!
The referee restarts the match again. Blade runs in swinging the security guard and takes down both opponents. The security guard gets mad and picks everyone up, spinebustering them all. He takes off his sunglasses and it's Moosehead Jack!
JP/Razz: WHAAAAA?
Moosehead Jack lines up to attack Hardbody, but Hardbody nails him with a TO BE EDITED IN LATER! Well, actually he completely misses! But Jack sells it anyway just so the match doesn't turn into a triple-DQ thingy. Way to take one for the team, Jack. For no apparant reason, Blade is still down (probably because he was at the bottom of the spinebuster) and Microplay comes off the top rope with a big elbowdrop. Harris tries to break up the cover, but two hands actually reach through the mat and hold him down. WHAT?!?!?! Microplay gets the 1-2-3.
Winner: Microplay by pinfall on Blade at 12:01
The body with the hands rises through the mat. UNDERDAWG~! Cloaked figures surround the ring and walk in, surrounding Harris. He searches for help, but Microplay and Blade hightail it. Maximo runs in, but gets chokeslammed on arrival. Harris starts attacking UnderDawg, but the cloaked figures pull him off and execute a quadruple powerbomb. UnderDawg lifts Harris and Fire Hydrant Piledrives him. UnderDawg puts his foot on Harris as his minions count a 1-2-3 cover. They remove their hoods to reveal: HELLION! CORAX! DONNIE VIPER! BRAD SMOLEY! (Brad Smoley?) UnderDawg grabs a microphone.
UnderDawg: Behold...the Ministry of Dawgness. Rest....In.....Grease.
UnderDawg rolls back his eyes as a wolf howls somewhere.
-Fade to OOWF Logo-