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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:19:03 GMT -5
*A card board cut out of Canadian Dragon is propped up next to The Rick's desk as The Rick enters his office.*
GMTR: "What the fuck? Is Dragon not even going to try and cut a lame ass promo this week?"
*Just then a courier comes in to The Rick's office.*
C: "Mr. Rick sir, I have a message from Canadian Dragon."
GMTR: "Really? Well what the hell is it?"
C: "You don't want to know."
GMTR: "Just fuck off and tell me the message."
*The courier pauses for a moment...then kicks The Rick in the nuts. The courier then places a DVD in The Rick's DVD/VHS combo player. The monitor goes black before fading in to a close up of the Canadian Flag. The Canadian National Anthem starts to play as Dragon speaks.*
CD: "Rick...just making sure you still had balls, because based on your booking choices, I was beginning to think you had chopped off your nuts. Seriously, Caps AGAIN? Damn, MidWeek Mayhem has more re-runs then Nick At Nite!"
*Fades To Black.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:19:24 GMT -5
The Rick is still nursing his bruised testicles when Capellan sticks his head in the door.
"What the hell do YOU want?"
"Hey boss, just wanted to thank you for giving me this match with Dragon, like I asked."
"You're happy? That makes it all worthwhile."
"Really?"
"No."
"... anyway, thanks for setting it up. I know I haven't exactly been shining in my last few matches with CD. I let him get inside my head and get me more worried about whether I was winning clean ... I forgot that sometimes, things just happen. People get hurt. They bust their head open, yank their knee ... there's nothing wrong with using that, provided you didn't set out to make it happen."
"Kid? It's nice you had an epiphany and all, but I really don't give a crap."
"Oh." Cap considers this, then shrugs and turns to leave.
"Kid? One more thing before you go: I went through a lot to set up this match. You better make it count. Lose again this week, and you won't get another shot at Dragon for a long time."
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:19:49 GMT -5
[Camera pans to show many OOWF stars in the locker room, preparing for tomorrow's MidWeek Mayhem. Suddenly the door opens, at first only revealing a tattooed arm, and eventually a new face, never before seen in OOWF enters the room. He casts a cold, unfeeling glare over the entire locker room.]
The Dead: Listen up! Just because you don't know who I am doesn't mean I don't know about you. The Dead knows all about each and every one of you. The Dead knows that for YEARS most of you have done nothing to earn your spots. You show up once a week, put on your nice little tights, and go have a decent little match. Not anymore. The time for mediocrity in the OOWF is over! While most of you have been playing it safe, The Dead has busted his ass night in and night out in every corner of the world! The Dead has gotten his face damn near ripped off in shitty bingo halls in the most backwards towns in this country while you "superstars" soak up your perks and your corporate sponsorships and your frequent flier miles.
In case you "superstars" are too dumb to understand what The Dead is saying, here it is in plain English. The Dead is here to take your spot. You've never seen innovation in the ring like you're about to see. It's something most of you can only dream of.
Oh, and if The Dead hurt your feelings, good.
[The Dead slams the door behind him.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:20:09 GMT -5
*Outback Jack joins Stank at the Destroyitarium bar*
OBJ: Looks like another tough match for you. How are the ribs holding up?
Stank: I'll be ready. *drinks more SC* This should loosen me up pretty well.
OBJ: Not a bad idea. *Opens a beer* I'm not sure what to expect, myself. I've got to deal with Knife and those two crazy Scots tonight.
Stank: You know Capslock isn't really from Scotland.
OBJ: I know, but I'm talking about Firechild and McCappington.
Stank: But McCappington is really... oh never mind. Besides, Firechild is on your side. It's a tag match, remember.
OBJ: I know. But those two have been getting pretty crazy lately. They might try to blow each other up or something.
Stank: Not like anything you've ever been involved in?
OBJ: Well, not lately, anyways.
Stank: Hey, where's Spin?
OBJ: I thought he was coming with you. *Drains beer, belches* That was Australian for oh well, more booze for us to drink.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:20:35 GMT -5
<LD Williams and Moose were sitting talking in the locker room when The Dead made his grand entrance>
LDW: Who the hell was that?
MHJ: Another new guy
LDW: another one?
MHJ: They seem to be breeding like cockroaches
LDW: That's good right?
MHJ: Sure. The more that are here, the more we get to ground to pulp
LDW: You think they can hack it and actually stick around?
MHJ: They seem pretty enthusiastic. Magnusson seems to have found a team with Hansen
LDW: And what is with that Blitz, Nerves Agent, Rabbxt drama?
MHJ: I have no idea. So long as they leave me out of it. Firewoman seems pretty tough
LDW: Reminds me of my momma
MHJ: She's better looking
LDW: fuck you. What about Seamus?
MHJ: Seems to have a mean streak, I think he will fit in.
LDW: Reminds me of Tommy O'Neil
MHJ: I never understood a word that bastard said
LDW: Tough as hell though
MHJ: True enough. You hear Eric is back?
LDW: You mean The E?
MHJ: Whatever he wants to call himself is fine with me.
LDW: He thinks he is going to change the OOWF, sounds like someone else, huh.
MHJ: Well, Eric, or E, was smart enough to go after Moreland instead of me, so he actually has a chance.
LDW: Oh yeah, whats with that new guy, Blood Bath?
MHJ: I don't think you will have to worry about him for long
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:20:57 GMT -5
MOMENTS AGO, inside the OOfficially dubbed "Firewoman's Locker Room," Firewoman is working out, and overhears some of the Dead's "introduction"
Sometimes it's nice to have my own room.
The phone beeps to say there is an incoming text message. Firewoman rolls her eyes, and continues her lunges.
Why can't these guys talk to each OTHER?
in present time, work out complete, Firewoman is WALKING~! to TheRick's office...
FW: Rick? I thought I'd come in and introduce myself....hey, are you alright?
TheRick is still doubled over a bit, and his breathing is not quite back to normal.
GMtR: I'm just great. Really. Who are you? Journalist?
FW: controlling her temper. No. I'm one of your new wrestlers, I've only been here a couple of weeks.
GMtR: OH...yeah...right...what do you want?
FW: Well, you probably remember I won a title match at Dead Baby Bonanza II...
GMtR: Yeah. So?
FW: Well I was wondering...are you sure you are okay?
GMtR: Time is money, honey...get to the point.
FW: Well, "honey," I was wondering which title it would be? I have this thing about being prepared...
GMtR: Well, "honey," I'm not sure what gave you the idea we are on a first name basis, but since you are here, no I don't know yet, as I've been busy trying to figure out what to do with all these newbs around here on a weekly basis. I got crazy people coming to my door bugging me for all sorts of things. I can't get my work done for all these interruptions this week. And now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with an ice pack that I'm late for. As soon as I know [walking towards the door, backing Firewoman out the door] you'll know.
The door shuts. Firewoman puts her hands on her hips in disgust, shrugs her shoulders, and angrily walks away.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:21:23 GMT -5
[The Nerves Agent overhears Moose and LD Williams talking.]
TNA: What do you mean "you don't have to worry about him"? What's going to happen to Blood Bath. Not that I'm worried about him or concerned for him, but he is my partner, and I would like to win our match.
MHJ: Well, you'll find out soon enough I think.
TNA: Well, is he going to be able to wrestle this...
MHJ: Hey!
TNA: Yeah?
MHJ: Shut up.
TNA: Okay, well then, who was that freak that just walked in and yelled?
MHJ: That was The Dead.
TNA: That couldn't have been The Dead. He was talking about The Dead to us.
MHJ: That's because he talks about himself in 3rd person point of view.
TNA: Oh..That's weird.
MHJ: Hey!
TNA: Yeah?
MHJ: Stop talking.
TNA: Oh..Okay.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:21:42 GMT -5
**Rabbxt catches Firewoman as she's coming out of GMtR's office.
Rabbxt: Hey, Fire! Wait up!
Fire: (sighs) Yes, Rabbxt?
Rabbxt: Have you seen Blitz? I want to talk...
Blitz: Strategy?
Fire: Well, there he is now. I'm out.
**Firewoman walks away.**
Blitz: I'm tired of strategy talk with you, Rabbxt. It's always the same thing.
Rabbxt: That's fine, Blitz. I don't want to talk strategy with you right now. In fact, I'm thinking about just letting the strategy talk go. All I want to know is... Can I trust you out there in that tag match? There's going to be four teams out there, Blitz. And we're one of them. If we don't cooperate as a team, what's the point of even going out there?
Blitz: I think I'm seeing a new side to you, Rabbxt. Almost like it's foreshadowing a face turn...
Rabbxt: Woa, now. Let's not get carried away. I'm just saying that I think we work alright as a team. And if we stay with each other and keep trying at it, then I think we could be in line for those tag belts in no time!
Blitz: I think you're right. I know that we work fine as a team and all, it's just that your heelishness gets on my nerves, sometimes.
**Firewoman jumps back out from around the corner.**
Fire: Speaking of Nerves... He's been on me to try to get you two back as a team. So I can tell him that you're back together, right?
Rabbxt: Why has Nerves been asking about us? Why does he care?
Fire: Not sure, exactly. He thinks that halfway solving problems now will eliminate the need to rush them in the future, when it'll already be too late to fix it.
Rabbxt: Um... Ok?
Blitz: He seems alright. I think I'm over the whole thing with me and him, anyway. It all started because I wanted to get some revenge on my partner, here.
Rabbxt: Yea, well I'm still not speaking to him. From now on. You guys can chat about him all you want, I don't care. Just don't mention his name to me. I'm out guys, peace.
**Rabbxt does a standing back flip into a loser with a half-twist, into a full twisting gainer before finally walking around the corner.**
Fire: Anyway, I've been thinking... Over the past month or so, there have been a lot of new people coming into the OOWF. People are looking down on all of us. We need to dominate if we want to rise up the card, right?
Blitz: I guess so...
Fire: Well, an idea came to me last night. If we can gather up some noobs, test them out and see if they work for us, maybe we can get a little noob group going. Would you be up for that?
Blitz: Well, I'm partners with Rabbxt, though. How would that work?
Fire: He's a noob, too. He can be in it with us.
**Rabbxt jumps back out from around the corner.**
Rabbxt: Wait! No way!
Fire: Oh, come on, Rabbxt. Why not?
Rabbxt: I've been trying to work my way up since I've gotten here. There's no way I'm putting myself back at the bottom by teaming up with a bunch of week-old wrestlers. You guys can do whatever you want, but I'm not being in it.
**Rabbxt leaves again. But not before doing a corkscrew wall flip.**
Fire: Well, there's one no... I've still got to ask a few more guys, though. What about you? You in?
Blitz: I don't know, Fire. I'll have to think about it. With Rabbxt pretty against it, I'm not sure what our status will be if I join up with you.
Fire: I guess I understand. Hey, at least you guys are cool now, right?
Blitz: Yea, I guess that's cool.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:22:30 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland is watching his favorite program...OOWF-TV, on his Sprint PCS phone*
DM: Jesus Christ, ANOTHER ONE? First "The E", who rips of Jericho, and now "The Dead" who rips off The Rock. They put something in the water in Stamford?
L: Yeah, it's pretty obnoxious.
P: Y'Know, we've put a lot of effort into creating unique personalities here in the OOWF, we don't need people without imagination telling us how much we suck.
DM: Well, my question is, how did it become Run DLP's job to be the first line of defense for the OOWF? Where's that Loser Superhero? This should be right up his alley. What about Booker...I mean, Moosehead Jack? He should be taking this stuff seriously. What about LD, Canadian Dragon, Capellan, Stank...Hell even Capslock...I mean, MACAPPINGTON, and Ecosystem. Where are these founding OOWF members, who helped make this Fed what it is? It's pretty sad to me they're going to let this disrespect go. This is directed at them PERSONALLY. Unreal.
P: You think they just don't care?
L: They'll probably come back with something lame like "I'll do my talking in the ring" which in the OOWF, of course means, "I'm not going to do anything".
DM: Seriously. I mean, if Run DLP is supposed to be the face and front page of the OOWF, someone should have sent us the memo.
L: Especially since it's not like we're exactly joined at the hip.
P: Yeah Davin, why are you bringing us into this? You're so mad, why not fight this fight yourself?
DM: Are you kidding, Phantos? You're really willing to be like all the others and do NOTHING??
P: Well, no...
L: C'mon Phantos, this isn't Davin on a power trip this time. This affects everyone, and we need to nip this in the bud, before it gets out of control.
*Davin glares at Lucios*
P: WE'RE HERE!!!
*Run DLP gets out at Pirateship Mini-Golf, easily the sickest mini-golf place in the world, or so I've heard. They get on the course, and are at the first hole. Phantos is up first, and he knocks it by the Animatronic Pirate for a hole-in-one*
P: BOO-YAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
*Davin and Lucios look at each other, then at Phantos*
DM and L: Boo-ya?
*All 3 start laughing and are having a grand old time on the course. As they turn for the 15th, Davin spots someone on the Driving Range*
DM: Hey guys, look, is that...
L: I think so, D.
P: Sure is. I'm gonna get an autograph!
*Phantos runs over with a pen, talks to the mystery figure for a bit, and comes back*
P: HEY! He signed his business card. But..Who is Bill Apter?
DM: Oh, that's just one of his Alter Egos. Listen, I'm gonna say hi, go finish up without me. I'll meet you at the 19th hole.
L: All right, C'mon Phantos.
P: Aww man...
*Davin walks over to the shadowy mystery figure. Coming toward them, he sees another shadowy mystery figure*
DM: Tude. Johnny.
AA: Davin. How are you?
JA: Like you care. Hey, leave us alone will ya? You of all people should understand our desire for privacy.
DM: *Does an aggressive fake of intimidation toward Johnny* SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHNNY! Go kick rocks somewhere.
*Johnny decides discretion is the better part of valor, and powders out. Some things never change*
AA: Well, what can I do for you Davin?
DM: Listen, you know I've always respected you, and you taught me how to do heel-y stuff, and the affect has been amazing on my character.
AA: The one thing positive about the Team Hardbody Experience, watching both our characters get a little more dimension.
DM: You still have your...
AA: (pushes up his sleeve, revealing his "Team Hardbody" wristband) Yup, you?
DM: (does the same) Yup. Don't know why. I just can't bring myself to get rid of it.
AA: So Davin, why did you run everyone else off?
DM: Well, you know I respect you, and I don't know if you've been paying attention to the OOWF.
AA: Some.
DM: Well, there's been this rash of people from up North who feel they need to "Save" the OOWF.
AA: Ridiculous.
DM: That's what I think, and me and my boys there have been up front defending, but, 'Tude, you know what we need?
AA: What?
DM: TCH.
AA: Nah, we're done, Davin.
DM: Just cut a promo, something to shut these schmucks up.
AA: Listen, I'll talk to Johnny. I can't promise anything.
DM: It's all I can ask. Thanks, man. Enjoy your retirement.
*Davin walks away, and toward the 19th hole, he appears to remember something, and stares into the ninja camera*
DM: Ryan Hardcore. You damn near killed me last time we faced off. This time, you won't get the chance. While you're off doing absolutely nothing, I've been watching, studying tape, and practicing my craft. I am the Onslaught Champion, and I chose "I Quit" matches as my stip, because I am the baddest dude in this fed. All I care about is winning. I will never quit, I will never submit, so I hope your tolerance for pain is really high, Hardcore, because THIS guy, is going to make you feel it. A lot of it. And when I hold the mic to your mouth, and you're crying for your mommy, and the blood is streaming down your face, and your knees feel like they're both blown out, you will say the magic words..."I quit", and I will walk out victorious, and STILL the Onslaught Champion.
DM: How was that?
*Ninja Camera shakes up and down*
*Davin finally gets to the 19th Hole*
DM: Guys...you need to cut that promo...
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:22:51 GMT -5
[The Dead is walking! down the hall as Androgynous Mic Stand walks up to him.]
AMS: How does it feel to be the newest OOWF acquisition?
The Dead: Seriously? "Acquisition"? Get outta here with that shit...
[The Dead starts to walk away but Androgynous Mic Stand stops him with another question.]
AMS: Okay, okay, nevermind that last question. Have you heard the talk that some of the newer OOWF stars may be forming some kind of faction?
The Dead: Is that so...?
AMS: So, I take it you're interested?
The Dead: What? No. Of course not. The Dead just got here and he's already heard way too much whining and complaining from the young guys about not getting the respect they deserve. Well, The Dead has two words for ya, EARN IT!. The Dead will not be pushed aside for some curtain-jerking Laguna Beach wannabes. The Dead doesn't care about stepping on people to get to the top, and those "young stars" better watch out.
[The Dead walks away from Androgynous Mic Stand and Rabbxt bumps into him as he turns the corner.]
The Dead: You better watch where you're going.
[The Dead continues to walk down the hall, not bothering to look back.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:23:20 GMT -5
**Rabbxt turns around and watched as The Dead keeps walking.**
Androgynous Mic Stand: Can I get your reaction on what he just said!?
Rabbxt: Uh, sure... I think he's doing the right thing by staying out of any noob faction that might begin.
AMS: But... He bumped into you and didn't care!
Rabbxt: Yea, I noticed. Whatever. I'll probably never talk to him again. He ain't really the type I communicate with.
AMS: What is the type that you communicate with!?
Rabbxt: Well, let's see... Blitz is my tag team partner, so I guess he's my type. Firewoman's a nice chick, so I guess she's my type. Certain other guys, like...
AMS: Who!? Who, who, who!?
Rabbxt: Ugh... This is why I cut my promos without you guys all up in my face. Get the fuck out of here. Shoo!
**AMS walks away, sad.**
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:23:42 GMT -5
As Run DLP returns to the arena prior to their match, a Randomly Numbered Sexy Female Jornalist stops Phantos & Lucios
Phantos: Helllloooooooooo Nurse!
RNSFJ: (Ignoring Phantos) Hey guys, can I get a comment about your big 4-team match this week?
Lucios: Sure. (the teammates pose facing the camera. Phantos' cape begins to flutter in the breeze) Rick, is this your answer? I bring you my concerns about the state of the tag team division, and you shoe-horn us into another clusterbomb of a match. 4 teams. One fall I'm assuming. What that has to do with wrestling I'll never know. We probably won't win this match, but I really could care less. One on one, we can beat any team in the OOWF. 3 at a time, anything can happen.
So Rabbxt & Blitz. Welcome to our world. your youthful exuberance and flippiness might ooh and aah the fans, but you'll need more than that to beat us. SYB & Apocalyptic Existance, your frequent sabbaticals negate your effectiveness as a team. and Ecosystem & Voltage, We've danced this dance before. Enjoy your #1 contender status while it lasts. And Rick, try as you may, you can't keep those belts away from us for much longer.
RNSFJ: Wow that was really long. Phantos, Do you have any thoughts on the number of new arrivals here in the OOWF?
Phantos: Hey, We were the new guys not too long ago. We earned the respect of the rest of the roster. Not by cutting random promos and putting words in other peoples mouths, but by paying attention to our opponents one at a time. Rabbxt, you're a prick. End of story. at least Fireowman earned herself a title match sofar, too bad it will likely be against Davin. Nerve Agent, Blood Bath, Blitz, Dead Head, don't think you can walk in here and command anyone's respect.
Lucios: Remember boys, WE are the measuring stick now. WE are the standard by which tag teams are judged. and NONE of you have what it takes to measure up. We are the Uncrowned Champions. And that's not about to change.
Phantos: Ya'll don't like it? Then let's settle it in the ring.
(The RNSFJ thanks them and walks away)
Lucios: Wow partner, you spoke more there than you ever have.
Phantos: I know man, did you see the rack on that chick? Almost as nice as Stormy Daniels!!
(Lucios rolls his eyes, but says nothing)
Phantos: Lets get back to the locker room. I need an Aquafina!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:24:05 GMT -5
[The Nerves Agent is talking to a Journalist about Lucios and Phantos's interview earlier.]
TNA: Phantos and Lucios, you talk about coming into the OOWF and gaining respect from people? How did you do that? Spending a little bit too much time in other men's locker rooms when they were a little horny? How many guys did you have to suck to get to the top?
Let me tell you one thing. If I get to the top in this federation, it won't be by saying Aquafina or Sprint PCS in bold and getting sponsors. I'll get there by wrestling my way to the top; something I'm not too sure you know how to do.
You talk about the 4 way tag match and how you are going to lose. You blame this on Rick? I would be blaming myself if I were you, for being such bad wrestlers. Don't get me wrong, some of your matches you might've gotten lucky in and actually won, but you are soo lucky that I am not in a tag, because if I was, I would not be worrying about R&B, Ecosystem and Voltage, or the Apocalyptic Existance and SYB. I'd be after you. You think you're better than all of these other teams, why is it that you aren't "the crowned kings" instead of the "uncrowned kings"? Are you blaming Rick for that too? It's his fault you two aren't champions yet? Well that's a damn shame. Maybe if he thought you had the potential to win the titles he would put you in a match to win them. I guess he didn't see anything worth putting in a title shot match.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:24:25 GMT -5
WBK - Hey there... uh, Stank. How's it goin?
Stank - I'm alright
WBK - ...
Stank - ...
WBK - ...
Stank - Outback will be back in a minute.
WBK - Oh. I know.
Stank - ...
WBK - ... Mind if I sit?
<Stank shrugs then takes a sip of his beer. Wally sits in the booth across from the OOWF Champ.>
WBK - ... You know... since Jack joined up with you guys... you and I haven't had an occasion to talk.
Stank - What do you want to talk about?
WBK - uh...
Stank - ...
WBK - I like movies...
Stank - ... okay.
WBK - Lou Gossett, Jr. is a fine actor.
Stank - ...
WBK - ...
Stank - I suppose he is.
WBK - Loved him in A Clockwork Orange.
Stank - What now?
WBK - A Clockwork Orange.
Stank - ... uh.. I'm fairly certain Lou Gossett Jr. wasn't in that movie.
WBK - Yeah he was.
Stank - ... uh.. no.
WBK - Sure he was... he was the lead.
Stank - ... Malcolm McDowell was the lead in A Clockwork Orange.
WBK - Malcolm MacDowell? ... the Cosby kid?
Stank - ... That's Malcolm Jamal Warner, dumbass.
WBK - How am I supposed to know his name?
Stank - ... ... How the fuck do you confuse Malcolm McDowell with Malcolm Jamal Warner?
WBK - Who's Malcolm McDowell?
Stank - You're kidding me, right?
WBK - No.
Stank - He's the lead in A Clockwork Orange.
WBK - No that's Lou Gossett, Jr.
Stank - Louis Gossett, Jr. is BLACK, moron.
WBK - He is?
Stank - ...
WBK - Then what Lou am I thinking of?
Stank - I really have no fucking clue who you could possibly be thinking of... Lou Ferrigno maybe? Though I have to warn you, I'm fairly certain he wasn't in A Clockwork Orange either.
WBK - ...
Stank - ...
WBK - ... ... La Bamba, that's what I meant.
Stank - ... La Bamba.
WBK - La Bamba.
Stank - ... Jiminy Cricket Wally, Are you shittin me?
WBK - What?
Stank - LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS was in La Bamba, you JACK ASS!
WBK - Lou Diamond Phillips?
Stank - Lordy mercy, WHERE the fuck is Jack?
WBK - I knew it was some three person name?
Stank - How the hell does THAT explain you confusing fucking La Bamba with A CLOCKWORK ORANGE?
WBK - ...
Stank - ... You know, don't feel obligated to talk to me.
WBK - Roger that.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:24:47 GMT -5
A SFJ stands in a hotel lobby with a microphone in hand. SFJ: I am standing here LIVE! at the Embassy Suites, awaiting the arrival of Eric O'Mac, who made his return to the OOWF last week!
UPSDM: Are you waiting for The E?
SFJ: Uh, yes. Yes I am.
UPSDM: Look sweet cheeks, I'm told to give you this. The E will not appear until you watch this.
[UPS Delivery Man gives SFJ a DVD and then walks away.]
SFJ: OK...we'll be right back while we find a TV, a DVD player, and somebody who knows how to work a DVD player!
----------------------------------------------
[We return to SFJ sitting on a couch, watching a TV]
SFJ: We will now be watching this DVD of Eric O'Mac!
{DVD fades in to Eric O'mac sitting front of a pool.}
E: This DVD was made for some sexy female journalistic whom I've never met and may have face aids or some other form of an STD. If you think I'm meeting up with you in person, you are sadly mistaken.
But since I'm sure this DVD will be shown on OOWF TV, I'll make it as entertaining as possible at least as entertaining as a Donnie Viper match, and half as gay too! Wait, is that still a running joke?
I realize there is a ton of criticism for my return last week. I've been referred to as a Jericho rip-off. I've been told to get out, that I'm not needed in the OOWF.
What a load of turtle crap.
Davin Moreland, you're worrying WAY too much about me. The fact that you go out of your way to address me for twenty boring minutes says a lot of how worried you are about losing your Onslaught Title. All I did was address you at the end of your boring "I Quit" match last week. You act like I interupted your Dad's funeral, tied the coffin up to my truck, and drove away with it with you surfing on top, trying to stop me.
First things first - I am not a Chris Jericho ripoff. That guy couldn't save a born again Christian during Christmas mass. No, the difference between us two is that I actually matter and I didn't waste two months of your life to let you know I'm coming after you, Davin. No, once I realized that you were part of the problem, I let you know about it as early as I could. If anything, I'm too convinient of an opponent.
Secondly, this is not your wrestling federation. If it is, then why the hell are you doing such a terrible job running it? No, you're under the illusion that you actually matter in the annals of the history of the OOWF, which, fact of the matter is, you honestly don't.
The facts are this: I don't care about your ability to line up sponsors, I don't give a flying rat's ass about how long you've guranteed that the OOWF will suck, the facts are still this, no matter how long feud goes on between Moose and Concrete, no matter how many times Canadian Dragon gets his ass kicked in a latter match, and no matter how many times you try to work hard, you are still not entertaining.
The OOWF is saved for 20 years? That's great! The only problem is it's saved by a bunch of jackasses who have no personality, no charisma, nothing!
You see, there's a reason why the company up North can survive and a straight up wrestling company can't get a TV deal. It's all because the entertainment. In the end, nobody gives a crap about how hard someone works and how long it takes someone to get to the top of the business. It doesn't matter how many death-defying moves you can pull off. No, all that matters is that you continue to entertain the people watching you. That's something I've done and have always done and that's something you have failed do to in your time here in the OOWF.
I left because I had accomplished what I wanted to do. I came back because the state of the OOWF is at an all-time low.
Watch your back, Davin Moreland. You are the Onslaught Champion. You will continue to be the Onslaught Champion.
That is, until I decide you won't be the Onslaught Champion.
You spew out any type of insults, you can beg for me to leave again, do what you want. But you better have your eyes out for me. I'll stay here in the OOWF until I rectify the situation. The OOWF may not be in financial trouble, but it can sure use a hit in the sports entertainment department. And that's fine, because I'm 100% entertainment....no, even better, I am a SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT GOD!
And Davin Moreland, you're an athiest.
See you in Sports Entertainment hell.
[DVD ends. Fade to black.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:25:05 GMT -5
**Rabbxt decides to cut a generic promo, facing a steady, non-ninja cameraman.**
Listen here, Phantos. I don't give a fuck how you earned your name here. I'll earn my name however I damn well please. No one tells me how I should be doing things. I take orders from no man. You can talk all the shit you want on Nerves, Seamus, Blood Clot, and even The fucking Dead. I may be a new guy here, but I'm a new guy who is hell bent on rising above the rest. Firewoman is a tough chick. Me and you both know this. But she isn't the only new blood here that you'll be hearing about. You need to get yourself under control before you wreck yourself. Or even better, before I wreck you. But don't get it twisted, I'm not trying to start something with you. I respect you, believe it or not. Phantos, you and Lucios have proved yourselves to me. You may not be holding the belts at this point, but we can both agree that you've got the skills to get it done. That's all I've got to say now, Phantos. Remember, I'm not against you. I do my own thing and you do your own thing. You can't change that.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:26:06 GMT -5
*CBS Evening News' Katie Couric is standing by in "Designated Interview Area A" with Davin Moreland*
CENKC: Well, Davin, we both saw it...Your thoughts?
DM: Well Katie, you see..."The E" here, seems to have this overinflated opinion of himself, which is plain as day. Thing is, "The E" has spent a little too much time drinking "The E's" kool-aid.
DM: "The E", all you did was rip off Jericho in your little wanna-be promo. Did you have one of your little writer monkey friends bullet-point that out for ya? All that was missing from your promo was the "Break the Walls Down" theme music. Sad part is, Jericho does it, and the crowd goes batshit. You do it, and the crowd goes SILENT. Let's face it, you may think you're the "E-atollah of Rock and Roll-ah", but in reality, you're a no-talent never was, that couldn't cut it in 2 different feds.
DM: The best part of you ripping of Jericho's gimmick, is that he's probably unaware you're doing it. Hell, you worked with him, and I've got $100 here saying he couldn't pick you out of a line up. You held the Onslaught Title back when no one was competing for it. Hell, the Iron Man DDT Championship was more prestigious at the time. This guy, right here, Davin Moreland, turned the Onslaught Title from the boring "pure wrestling" title that it was, into one of the most prestigious belts in all of Sports Entertainment.
DM: I said "Sports Entertainment" for your benefit, "The E", because God knows you know next to nothing about wrestling. You mention your long Onslaught Title reign and how you only lost it because you jumped divisions...Maybe that's because you were having SYB and Puck Dupp job to you in title matches, and the audience didn't give a shit, so GM the Rick, in ALL his benevolence, gave YOU the opportunity to really show what you could do in the Intercontinental Division.
DM: Know what you did, when it was obvious you couldn't hack it? You took your little ball, and you went home. Then you begged Vince for a job, and, since you were in OOWF, he thought he was actually GETTING someone. Instead he got "The E", and you spent the last 2 years jobbing to SuperCrazy and Val Venis on Internet Heat. You don't think I know? You think we're stupid here? You think we don't know how to do a fucking Google Search? That's right, a Google search, because otherwise, no one would ever know you were with the company.
DM: Then you were "wished good luck in your future endeavors", which was the first time you appeared on the website, outside of your Heat matches; then you cry and run home again, watch Jericho on TV, and say "Hey, I can do that! And gosh, someone must remember me there!"
DM: Yeah, they remember you. They remember you as "Eric-O-Mac, Crowd Killa". Snitsky gets more crowd heat than you do. You seem to have this overinflated opinion of yourself as having some sort of "legacy" here. If you were erased from OOWF History tomorrow, no one would blink an eye.
DM: And as far as "No entertainment"...Apparently, you haven't watched much. This place in infinitely more entertaining than anything else in the marketplace today. We sell out every arena we go to. Merch Sales are off the charts, and people crash the server on our website to read the promos from the Superstars here.
DM: I never said this was MY fed. This is OUR fed. Heel and Face, blood enemy to blood enemy, from the most decorated Superstar to the lowest jobber...This is OUR OOWF. You did not help build this OOWF, you tried your damnedest to kill it, with your boring style and lackluster promos. They're still lackluster, and now, they're not even yours. You left, and we got better. 2 years later, we're MUCH better, and only GETTING better. This was all done without your..."help"
DM: So..."The E", stay if you wish, and see if you can keep up with SYB. Every rookie that's been added to this roster can kick your ass in the ring, and talk circles around you on the mic. Then, if by any chance you've proven yourself to the Booker....I mean "GM the Rick", then maybe you'll get your shot with me, that you claim not to care about. You want to talk about it backstage, come find me.
DM: Until then...I don't give title shots to jobbers. Especially boring jobbers.
*Davin tosses the mic to a stunned Katie, who gives the "cut" sign. Fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:26:29 GMT -5
WBK - It's just... I was thinking about packaging Spin and Magnuson as The Droogs.
Stank - ... I thought we agreed you and I wouldn't talk to one another?
WBK - Outback Jack still isn't here.
Stank - You can't just sit there silently drinking your Schnapps?
WBK - No. What do you think of my idea?
Stank - Well, you presume a lot.
WBK - Meaning?
Stank - Well, first YOUR repackaging Spin and Magnuson implies that you hold some sort of managerial position here with Drink and Destroy, which you do not.
WBK - ... I see.
Stank - Second, you presume Magnuson is part of Drink and Destroy and he has never spoken to me... so...
WBK - ...
Stank - Third, YOU packaging Spin and Magnuson as the Droogs implies that you've actually seen A Clockwork Orange, which you clearly haven't.
WBK - I remember the movie now. My Droog idea is why I had it on the brain.
Stank - So what's the gimmick, genius? Theme song by Beethoven? Cockney rhyming? Wanton rape?
WBK - Only of babies.
Stank - ...
WBK - ...
Stank - ... What.
WBK - Baby raping.
Stank - ... Are you high? What's in that Schnapps?
WBK - They wouldn't actually be raping babies, duh... it's just a gimmick. Like when Schnitsky drop kicked that baby into the crowd.
Stank - ... Gee, I'm so glad you've decided to start talking to me.
WBK - Just run it by Spin.
Stank - No.
WBK - Ok.
Stank - ...
WBK - I'll just do it myself.
Stank - Knock yourself out.
<Wally B. K. walks off in search of Spin Hansen. Outback Jack returns to the Destroyitarium and sits across from Stank.>
OBJ - Sorry about that, mate. Gatorbait says hello.
Stank - DO NOT EVER leave me ALONE with WALLY AGAIN?
OBJ - Are you asking me... or telling me?
Stank - I DON'T KNOW?
OBJ - ... you aren't sure?
Stank - GOT DAMN IT! Your manager has got me so discombobulated... I can't speak straight.
OBJ - ...
Stank - Don't leave me alone with him!
OBJ - Understood.
Stank - ...
OBJ - If you don't mind me asking... what happened?
Stank - He's got it in his head to turn Spin and D.H. Magnusson into the Droogs.
OBJ - Oh... uh...
Stank - What is it?
OBJ - This is kind of my fault.
Stank - Why? You want Spin and Mags running around raping babies?
OBJ - Raping bab- NO! Of course not! It's just Wally and I were watching the Stanley Kubrick collectors set last night.
Stank - ... So explain to me why he thinks Lou Gossett, Jr. is in A Clockwork Orange?
OBJ - Uh... he gets confused sometimes. Especially when it comes to movies and actors.
Stank - Still... Lou Gossett in Orange? That's ridiculous.
OBJ - He probably got it confused with Full Metal Jacket.
Stank - ...
OBJ - ...
Stank - Lou wasn't in Full Metal Jacket either.
OBJ - But he WAS in An Officer and a Gentleman.
Stank - ...
OBJ - Which he confused with Full Metal Jacket.
Stank - !?!
OBJ - I DON'T KNOW! War movies are ALL the same to him.
Stank - AN OFFICER and a fucking Gentleman WASN'T a WAR MOVIE!
OBJ - Yeah I know, but they both had the military in em. They both had drill sergeants.
Stank - ...
OBJ - What can I say? Wally is a little nutty.
Stank - ...
OBJ - It's why I like him.
Stank - ... I'm leaving now.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:27:05 GMT -5
Phantos flips on the Sony Multimedia Center inside the Run DLP Aquafina Locker Room and catches some OOWF-TV
Phantos: Hey Lucios. come check this out.
(Lucios arrives and watches the Nerve Agent interview.)
Phantos: Rick hasn't givent us any title matches huh? I guess the little Rabbxt wannabe doesn't know his OOWF History
Lucios: I thought you didn't like Rabbit Boy?
Phantos: I don't. He's STILL a prick
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:27:31 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland walks in from the other side of the Run DLP Locker Room Presented by Aquafina*
DM: But he's a TALENTED prick, P-Dawg. Besides, he's just trying to make a name for himself, and he's probably a little intimidated of your flippy shit ability.
P: He's such a little PRICK though.
L: Davin's got a point.
DM: Yeah. And besides, you're both intimidated by my flippy shit ability.
P: Well, you just scare people. 450 moonsaults from a 6'10" 300 lb-er is scary, man.
DM: But impressive.
P: Yeah...well, do an 810 and then come talk to me.
DM: Rabbxt can do an 810.
P: Bullshit.
L: PHANTOS?!?!?
P: What? Oooh, Phantos said bad word...Oh No!! I am the only person I know who can hit an 810, and even then, it's not easy.
DM: I've seen it from him.
P: You're not winning me over here, D.
DM: Dude, why not just respect his abilities?
P: BECAUSE HE'S A PRICK!
L: I can't flip at all.
DM: Yeah, but you're huge.
L: So are you, but YOU can flip.
DM: I'm a freak of nature.
L: Whatever.
DM: I wanna learn an 810.
P: Are you crazy?
DM: Someone will teach me...
P: Why are you...
DM: Ok, put it like this. I really think he can help us. He's competitive and cuts really good promos, and if nothing else, this is a mutual protection society. The more people we have looking after each other, the less chance for screw jobs. Do you want to go another 12 matches without a Championship?
L: No.
P: But...
DM: Have I steered you guys wrong yet?
L: No.
P: Not yet.
*Davin glares at Phantos*
L: So...
DM: So. I'll get on the phone with the marketing department, and see if he can get a compensation package together?
L: Sounds like a plan, Davin. A fine idea.
DM: Phantos?
P: ...
DM: Phantos?
P: ...
L: Phantos?
P: Yeah. Ok. Fine. If you need me, I'll be on the trampoline.
*Davin pulls out his Sprint PCS phone* *fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:27:51 GMT -5
SFJ77: I'm here with D.H. Magnusson, and D.H., with a another shot at the tag team titles tonight, your partner Spin Hansen has been conspicuous by his absence this week. Shouldn't the two of you be working up a gameplan for Los Defenstrators?
DHM:...Conspicuous?
SFJ77: (clearly proud of her new word) Conspicuous!
DHM: ...whatever. Look, Spin ain't been around 'cause he's got things to do. He didn't offer, I didn't ask. We're tag team partners - We ain't pickin' out drapes and china patterns together. If whatever he's got going on is gonna affect us as a team, he'll mention it. He's a straight-up guy like that. Until then it ain't my concern, and it sure as hell ain't your concern, Shannon.
SFJ77: My name isn't Sha....
DHM: Quiet, Shannon. Now as far as a gameplan goes; maybe you missed the last time we got in the ring those hairballs. I beat them half to death, and Spin picked up the other half. They snaked their way into a DQ to save the titles, not to mention their asses. Yeah, we got suckered. Now I can't speak for Spin, but I know that I don't like getting suckered. Tends to make me kinda angry. You want to know about gameplans? We got one gameplan. Beat the ever-lovin' hell outta a pair of idiots and take their belts. It's simple, but those two ain't much more thought.
Los Def, forget about your belts. You're gonna be lucky to walk outta that rings with your heads.
You got your soundbyte, Shannon. Get out. I got work to do.
SFJ77: But my name isn't Sh-
DHM: Out.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:28:09 GMT -5
<Stank is walking in the arena when he spies Viper walking his way.>
DV - So, paybacks a bitch, huh?
Stank - Yep.
DV - Oooh I'm SOOOO scared. Whatcha gonna do?
Stank - You'll find out.
<Viper goes into a defensive stance>
DV - I did what I HAD to, to WIN the match.
Stank - And yet you didn't win.
DV - That was LD's fault.
Stank - And my cracked ribs is yours.
DV - What's cracked ribs amongst friends?
Stank - We ain't friends.
DV - Damn right we're not. So let's get this over with. I'm not about to wait for you to jump me from behind... DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE JOKE THERE!
Stank - You won't have to worry about me bum rushing you.
DV - I SAID NO JOKES!
Stank - I WON'T ATTACK you from behind you OVER SENSITIVE PRICK! Believe ME! When I get you back for what you did... You will SEE it coming... and there WON'T be a DAMN thing you can do about it.
<Stank walks away from Viper without further incident. He soon runs into LD Williams and Moosehead Jack, taking a stroll.>
LDW - Well Well as I live and breath...
Stank - Moose.
MHJ - Stank.
Stank - What was that about living and breathing LD?
LDW - ...Screw you Stank. I saw your little promo earlier. Your promises mean little to me at this point.
Stank - It's like I said. I will win the match decisively.
LDW - Ha! You'll try.
Stank - I'll win.
LDW - We'll just see about that... how're your ribs... champ?
<LD Williams walks off chuckling to himself. Moose smirks, shrugs, and follows him, leaving Stank standing in the hallway glaring after them.>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:28:30 GMT -5
<SFJ13 catches up with Moosehead Jack and LD Williams talking in the hallway>
MHJ: .....and if you are going to use it on the ribs, make sure to keep the arm pinned and aim to the side of the heart
LDW: Will it break ribs?
MHJ: Sure as shit
LDW: Excellent I......
SFJ13: Moosehead Jack, excuse me for interrupting, but can I get a few comments from you?
MHJ:<to LD> I'll catch up with you in a minute. <turning to SFJ13> What?
SFJ13: Well, you had some pretty strong words for Concrete TG over the last two weeks, and Crete has been suspiciously quiet, do you have any idea why?
MHJ: Why? Because Crete knows I am right. Crete knows that he cannot win this feud. He does not have it in him to finish me off once and for all, and I will not go away on my own. His only chance to have a career and achieve the things he wants is to take the offer from up north and leave.
SFJ13: Does your offer still stand?
MHJ: Crete, if you leave, I will march to that ring and admit you are the better man. That still stands. Really now Crete, I know you, I know you pay attention to what goes on up there. You saw Jericho's return. Face it Crete, you are one tough competitor, but you are also part showman. For all your toughness in the ring, you have that PT Barnum streak in you. You were MEANT to be in McMahonland. Everyone knows you want it. Everyone knows you nearly took the deal over the summer. And now, the one person who can deliver that chance to you is offering it to you. Take the deal Crete. Take the deal and live to fight another day. You stay here, and those dreams will be gone forever.
Trust me.
<Moose walks away leaving SFJ13 with a puzzled look on her face>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:28:50 GMT -5
Blitz: So, what's up with Run DLP?
Rabbxt: What do you mean?
Blitz: Come on, you know.
Rabbxt: ...
Blitz: They've been talking about you constantly.
Rabbxt: Yea, so? I don't know what they're thinking.
Blitz: They haven't talked to you about anything?
Rabbxt: ...
Blitz: Rabbxt?
Rabbxt: Uh, no. They haven't said anything to me.
Blitz: So Davin isn't looking for some kind of friendship?
Rabbxt: Blitz, I don't know what they're all about. Davin does seem sort of interesting in my name, though. But Phantos and Lucios are kind of, I don't know... Intimidated?
Blitz: Phantos, maybe. Lucios seemed alright with you, though.
Rabbxt: I guess so. I wonder what the deal with Phantos is?
Blitz: Come on, you don't see it?
Rabbxt: ...
Blitz: You're a flippy guy, he's a flippy guy...
Rabbxt: ...
Blitz: He was here first and then you came in with all these new flippy moves...
Rabbxt: ...
Blitz: You've laid claim to the 810 and he says it's his...
Rabbxt: ...
Blitz: Oh, come on! He's jealous of you, Rabbxt.
Rabbxt: Me? ...No...
Blitz: Uh, yea. I think it's pretty obvious, actually.
Rabbxt: Well, what does that matter, anyway? I'm not with them and they're not with me.
Blitz: And you're sure about that, Rabbxt?
Rabbxt: ...
Blitz: Rabbxt?
Rabbxt: Uh, yea. Yea, I'm sure. All I want to concentrate on right now is being a tag team with you and getting our hands on those belts.
Blitz: Perfect.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 27, 2008 10:29:10 GMT -5
Seamus sees Blitz walking around backstage
Seamus: Hey Blitz
Blitz looks around nervously
Seamus: Just wanted to say hey, remember when I was bad mouthing the other noobs I didn't include you...you know why?...because I see what are doing and I respect it...but let me ask you something...how's your back?
Blitz: What?
Seamus: Well you been carrying Rabbit for how long now?
Blitz: It's not Rabbit, it's Rabbxts, and...
Seamus: Hey, relax all I'm saying is I look around and see The agent, you and Firewoman and then I see him and I think that no talent is lucky to have stumbled into that group...
Blitz: That's enough!
Seamus: I agree man it's about enough...think about it, and remember the weakest link...
Seamus turns and walks away
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