OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 07-23-08

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Bagram Air Force Base, Afghanistan

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
LD Williams vs. Concrete TG

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
IHOP vs. The Midnight Sons vs. Phantos & Lucios

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Attitude Adjuster vs. Justin Sane

#1 Contenders Match[/u]
Davin Moreland vs. F Fonzworth MacCappington

Falls Count Anywhere[/u]
Outback Jack vs. Tytan

Eric O'Mac vs. Mark Vander
Stank vs. Chris Cole
Davin Moreland vs. Poe
Seamus McNasty vs. Blitz vs. Knife
Tyson Kincaid & The Amnesiac vs. Cape Town Cannibals
The Dead vs. ZK DeBeers
Worlds Greatest Fag Team vs. Carl From Fresno & Bunny

card subject to that thing you do, you know what I mean

[mooseheadjack]

(Tytan sits alone in his locker room after another and I MEAN ANOTHER long grueling battle with one OBJ.)

Tytan: (Wiping the sweat from hid face.) Jack I am sick of fighting you. I am sick of having to beat the crap out of you over and over again.
But Jack I will tell you this, I respect the fact that you can bring it when it is time. You are a hell of a fighter, and I respect that. I still think you are a sorry ass son of a bitch but I respect you.
So now we go to Bagram Air Force Base, and we got to face each other again. So let's go out there and give the men and women in uniform a show to remember. Let's up the stakes and end our little war with a FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE match. That way we can steal the show once again.
And we know Jack that the man with the biggest guns in the OOWF (Tytan flexes showing the guns.) will be the one that will be standing on top again.
Now let me have some peace and quiet.

(Fade Out)

[mooseheadjack]

Stank - I know Mags... it sucks.

DHM - DAMN IT! I HAD him beat. MY first shot at a singles title and I get... I get...

Stank - Chickenshitted, I know. Alan's done that to me more times than I care to remember.

DHM - Fucking refs!

Stank - Hey Attitude Adjuster is the chickenshittiest man in wrestling. That's a well established fact. I'd personally find it offensive and out of character if Alan didn't volunteer to do the chickenshit thing.

DHM - I HATE HIM! That should be MY Onslaught Title!

Stank - You'll get your chance. No one in this faction goes long without wearing gold. You got to be patient.

DHM - BAH! I ran out of patience months ago.

<DH Magnusson grabs his beer and storms off. Stank turns back toward the bartender and orders a beer, when up from behind the bar jumps CHRIS COLE wielding a BARBED-WIRE BASEBALL BAT!>

Stank - HEY! YOU BETTER NOT HIT ME WITH THA-

<WHAM! Cole SMACKS~! Stank in the face with the baseball bat! Cole hops over the bar and is chased out of the Destroyitarium by Spin and DH Magnusson. Stank lies on the floor wiping blood from his forehead.>

Stank - Ow.

[mooseheadjack]

Chris Cole stops outside the bar and luckily a ninja cameraman is there. He is looking at the bloody barbed wire with a glint in his eyes.

CC: This is your blood Stank. At Mayhem be prepared to spill more. I'M THE MAIN EVENT! I'M THE GREATEST WORLD CHAMPION IN OOWF HISTORY! And at Mayhem I'm going to prove it.

Stank staggers out the front door of the bar anbd spots Cole. Cole runs towards a pickup truck and jumps in the bed. We see Harper Camby at the driver's seat as it speeds away.

Stank: You'll get more then you bargained for at Mayhem Cole.

[mooseheadjack]

(The Amnesiac stands in the hallway of ABSOLUTELY NO ENCOUNTERS. SFJ#291 runs up to him with a microphone in hand.)

SFJ#291: Mr. THE Amnesiac. I was wondering if I could get a few words with you.

Amn: (grumbling under his breath) The hallway advertised absolutely no encounters...

SFJ#291: What was that?

Amn: Oh, nothing. What can I answer for you?

SFJ#291: Well, it seems you just couldn't go the distance last night in the Onslaught tournament.

Amn: (glaring at the SFJ) It appears so. I also daresay that I couldn't go the distance because I got BLASTED IN THE HEAD with a chairshot.

SFJ#291: Yes, by Concrete TG.

Amn: (mocking) Yea by Concrete TG. Listen... that man has got some serious issues. He comes out here, week after week, talking about the superhero code. And how he is what's best for this company. But what he doesn't tell you is that he's got a seedy underside. Y'know... the side that allows him to cheat in other people's matches. Apparently, Gryphon is the biggest hypocrite of all, because he sets the rules and talks about the rules... but when it comes down to it, he openly breaks those same rules.

Crete. I was satistfied to let you go after our last encounter. What you did last night has only served to awaken a sleeping beast inside me. You almost caused me to lose to a man in a rabbit suit, do you understand that? I will not be humiliated by you, or anyone else from Team Rick. Myself, and the rest of Revolution XXX? We WILL NOT REST until you've been put down... for good.

Oh, and as far as your title match next week is concerned? I'd watch my back if I were you. Because in my book... cheaters and hypocrites don't deserve title shots. I just wouldn't walk out to that ring alone if I were you... that's all I'm saying.

(With that, SFJ#291 looks like she's about to ask another question. But The Amnesiac turns and walks away abruptly.)

SFJ#291: Wha- wait up...

(SFJ#291 starts to walk after him, but thinks better of it. She turns back to the camera.)

SFJ#291: I guess that's it from here. Back to you, Chuck.

(The camera reluctantly fades to black.)

[mooseheadjack]

(CTG is watching THE Amnesiac's promo on a small TV in a rec room on the base)

It seems that THE Amnesiac lives well up to his title. Has he forgotten what's going on in this company? Has he forgotten what exactly is at stake?

He calls me a liar and a hypocrite because I took a moment to remind him where his true battle lie - not against a man in a bunny suit, but against one of the standard-bearers for Team Rick.

He has also forgotten that you did not see me participate in a few... less than heroic events that my temporary teammates performed before our last show.

I have my response to that, "THE" - may I call you "THE"?

What you're going to get from me, when we once again cross paths, is a beating that even YOU won't forget.

This is a war. That's why we're here. Not just on a military base, but on opposite sides of a line that splits this company in two.

When I'm done, you'll forget about that line and this war. You'll remember who put you there in the first place. And Bennett? When I face "THE" in the ring, you won't be able to save him either.

[mooseheadjack]

(The camera comes up on The group known as Ultimo Inc. they are sitting at a table discussing strategy and the discussion has gotten a bit heated. We join in already in progress...)

Tytan: I told you I am sick and tired of having to fight Jack.

Podvod: It's true this feud is getting old...enough blood has been shed between the two of them. Let's move on!

Steel: What in the hell is going on here! I am the leader of this group and since when have you two gotten enough guts to stand up to me.

Tytan: Do I need to remind you what happened recently?

Steel: No. Payback will come, but we need to stick to my plan.

Tytan: You know Steel, I am getting a little sick of your plan. I wouldn't hesitate to say that there isn't a plan to begin with.

Podvod: Tytan's right, he joined on to this project to be able to go for some gold. Instead he is sitting in a feud that is going no where and is keeping the hospitals busy.

Tytan: (Hands him the latest bill) Here you need to pay this anyway.

Steel: Fine.

Tytan: So what are we going to have to do Steel? Or am I going to have to take matters into my own hands.

Steel: (Surprised) You wouldn't?!?!?

Tytan:Just try me!

Podvod: What ever you do just don't do anything to drastic.

Tytan: What can be worse then choking someone our with barbed wire?

Steel: Tytan just sit down and let's talk about this.

Tytan: I am done talking. It's time for some action.

(Tytan storms out.)

Podvod: Well that went rather well.

Steel: Dear Diana, don't you see this is part of my plan.

Podvod: How so Steel?

Steel: We just put the hunger that he was missing inside him.

(Fade to black)

[mooseheadjack]

(Later on that evening we see AA walking out of the local gym. Tytan pulls up in one of the Ultimo Inc Vehicles and jumps out.)

AA: Hey big man coming to get a worko--

(Tytan runs and spears AA the momentum hits AA so hard that they go through the front glass window of the gym. They hit the ground and Tytan gets up.)

Tytan: If I were you I would start watching your back. Your not going to be holding that title long.

AA: But I thought you were one of us?

Tytan: Moose made me an associate...so I guess there has been a change of plans. He wants to cut me loose have him come and find me.

(Tytan gets back in the truck and drives off. Fade out)

[mooseheadjack]

Tytan is walking out of the gym about an hour or so later, and sees AA just now picking himself off the floor of the gym entrance. AA stiffly gets to his feet, wiping glass from his body. Tytan gets ready to brawl.

AA: Nice Marty Jannetty, Tytan.

Ty: That's it? No "I'm going to get revenge for that" or just a random attack from behind?

AA: Nah. Gotta admit, that was pretty good. I mean, check it out, you just inserted yourself into the Onslaught title picture with a promo. I've been trying to explain that to LD Williams for the last month. You got it on your first try. Nice job.

Ty: You confuse me.

AA: Look, I'm a Chickenshit Heel. I don't go around beating up people. I leave that for other people. Like Donovan Viper.

Ty: Aw, shit.

Donovan Viper comes out of nowhere with a 75 pound steel weight plate, clobbering Tytan in the back of the head.

AA: Nice job, Donnie.

DV: Is this relationship actually going anywhere?

AA: I don't know. Wanna be my bodyguard?

DV: With my past suggestive history with men? I'll think about it.

AA: Hey, while you're guarding my body, find out if me and the Fag Team are ever going to defend those Manage-A-Trois belts again.

[mooseheadjack]

*Outback Jack is sitting in the Destroyitarium, drinking beer (so we know it's not one of his alternate personalities)*

OBJ: Well, well, well. Tytan challenged me to a Falls Count Anywhere Match. I give him credit, he does have balls. They're probably shrinking with what Ultimo Inc. is shooting into him, but he's definitely got balls. I love that kind of match. Bring Steel, bring Podvod and her needles, bring Ultimo Security. Drink & Destroy will watch my back. Oh, and watch out for the beer vendors, mate. But, don't count on these two sheilas!

*OBJ presses buttons on a remote, and on the Destroyitarium TV we see 2 burly women in Ultimo Security uniforms receiving a "double noggin knocker" from a very large pair of hands with pink nail polish*

*OOWF-TV cuts to LJB's office, as Bennett answers the phone while Eric and LD Williams converse in the background*

LJB: Mr. Steele, how's business?...what?...yet another outrage by Rick's Men!...employees named Hilda and Helga..got it...rest assured that we will take decisive action...wait a sec Jonathan...

*LD gets up and whispers in Bennett's ear*

LJB: Er, Jonathan, kind of a glitch here, mmm-kay?...your gals kind of insulted LD's Momma and actually called her fat, so I'm going to have to go ahead and let this go...we did actually send out a memo about not insulting LD's Momma...did you get the memo?

[mooseheadjack]

Davin Moreland goes into the pet store and selects the cutest floppiest puppy in the store.

DM- My God! You are so adorable! Look how floppy...in fact, that's what I'll name you. You like that, Floppy?

Floppy- Woof!

DM- Okay! Let's take you home!

[mooseheadjack]

<Chris Cole is wandering down the hall of random kidnappings and violent ambushes.>

CC - Geez, I probably shouldn't have come down this hall alone.

<Hindsight being what it is Cole is GRABBED from behind by an unseen assailant. The camera cuts in close on Cole's face as he struggles. We see a hood pulled down over his head then hear a loud SMACK as Cole is knocked out cold. The camera goes dark...

Later we see The Midnight Sons walk into the Destroyitarium dragging the unconscious body of Chris Cole behind them.>

Spin - Ok Stank, we got him.

DHM - So what's this plan of yours?

Stank - Bring him back here.

<Stank leads The Midnight Sons to the back room, with Cole in tow. Once they arrive, they spot JOHNATHAN STEEL tied to a chair. Outback Jack is standing over him.>

JS - You ALL will suffer the WRATH of TYTAN if you do not RELEASE me at OnCE!

Stank - This ain't about Tytan. I require your expertise.

JS - My expertise...? WHY would I do anything for YOU?

Stank - Because you don't want what Jack is going to do to Tytan... done to you.

JS - I am not afrai...

Stank - BOO!

JS - AHHH! OK OK what do you WANT?

Stank - You see that man lying unconscious over there?

<Spin removes the hood revealing Cole's identity to Steel.>

JS - Yes... that's Mr. Chris Cole I believe.

Stank - Indeed it is. He's twice hit me in the face with a barbed-wire baseball bat.

JS - So what do you want me to do about it?

<Stank gesticulates broadly>

Stank - I want his face... off.

JS - ... excuse me?

Stank - His face... ... off.

JS - You mean... you want me to cut off his face?

Stank - Face... off.

JS - Like in the 1997 action film directed by John Woo and starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage, which tells of how an FBI agent must assume the physical appearance of his sworn enemy in order to stop a terrorist plot...? ... That kind of face off?

DHM - This is stupid.

Stank - Yes. Then once I have Cole's face I can...

Spin - Whoa whoa whoa... You? You are going to wear Cole's face? Putting aside the absurdity of this plan you don't see the inherent problem of... you... wearing Cole's face.

Stank - It is within your means to do this Steel, yes?

JS - Uh... I'd have to take you two back to Ultimo Inc.

Stank - No you'll do it here. Tell us what you need.

DHM - This is where I get off.

-------

<Hours later we're inside Bennett's office for a team Bennett meeting.>

LJB - Alright gentlemen it's only a matter of time befo-

Eric - Wait... Cole isn't here yet.

<As if on que, Stank walks into the office and seats himself between Harper Camby and Attitude Adjuster. Everyone around the table sits and stares at Stank for a few silent moments.>

AA - And they say I have a weight problem

Stank - Sorry I'm late.

DV - Cole you look... different.

TA - Did you cut your hair?

Eric - No THE Amnesiac, that's not it.

Stank - Uh... tanning booth accident.

Eric - Well at least you covered your face this time.

LJB - *Ahem* Gentlemen if you please. Now that Mr. Cole has arrived may we proceed with today's meeting. Skurge I believe it is your turn.

<Everyone joins hands. Stank looks around with a confused look on his... er... Cole's face.>

Skurge - Dear lord we ask that you give us a good meeting today. Infuse Mr. Bennett with the wisdom to help lead us into victory over our enemies. In your precious name do we pray... amen.

All - Amen.

Stank - What thaaa fuck?

MHJ - What was that?

Stank - Uh... I... CHRIS COLE... said nothing of importance.

LJB - Well I hope that doesn't translate into your presentation today.

Stank - Presentation?

HC - Yeah, just like we talked about this morning.

Stank - What the fuck are you talking about Camby?

<Everyone stares at Stank>

Stank - I mean... I... CHRIS COLE... will do this presentation some other time.

LJB - You will do this presentation TODAY Mr. Cole. Now stop wasting everyone's time and get up here.

<Harper Camby hands Stank Chris Cole's notes. Stank glances over the notes which detail an coordinated attack on Team Rick's men. Stank rises from his seat and walks to the front of the room. Harper Camby pulls out a portable projector, sets it up on the table, then pulls down a screen. He connects his laptop to the projector, then hands stank a remote and starts the slide show.>

DV - PowerPoint, AWESOME!

Stank - Uh... I... CHRIS COLE... would like to start off by saying that I... CHRIS COLE... am The Main Event. Additionally... I... CHRIS COLE... am the greatest World Heavyweight Champion in OOWF history... except for Stank.

HC - Wha?

DV - And me.

LDW - And ME.

DV - Bite me.

LDW - Bite this!

LBJ - Gentlemen PLEASE!

Eric - This presentation isn't going well so far.

Stank - I... CHRIS COLE... beg to differ.

MHJ - Can we just get ON with it?

Stank - I... CHRIS COLE..

FFM - We KNOW who you ARE!

Stank - *gulp* You do?

FFM - Yes you're Chris Cole. Stop starting all your sentences with I... CHRIS COLE.

Stank - I... CHRIS COLE... can't really help myself.

MHJ - Is there going to be a presentation or not?

Stank - Not.

HC - What? But...

Stank - Hush my roided out friend... I... CHRIS COLE... find this plan to be inadequate. We can't beat Team Rick. That's why I... CHRIS COLE... think we should surrender.

<Everyone stares at Stank with blank looks on their faces.>

RH - I, Ryan Hardcore, think Chris Cole has lost his fucking mind.

SYB - I concur.

LJB - Chris you're obviously not feeling well and are unprepared to give us your presentation today. Maybe sometime later. Why don't you have a seat, and collect yourself, so we can move on to other matters.

Stank - I... CHRIS COLE... find this an acceptable conclusion.

<Stank walks back over to his chair and sits.>

-------

<Meanwhile back at the Destroyitarium. Johnathan Steel wipes blood from his hands.>

JS - I wasn't on board with this at first... you know, due to the kidnapping and what not, but I have to say... after seeing the results, that was some of my finest work, yet. I'm actually kind of glad for the opportunity.

OBJ - See? We know how to have fun over here at D&D.

<From the back room we hear...>

CC - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

<Outback Jack, Spin, Magnsson and Steel run into the back room, where they see Cole holding a mirror up to his... er... Stank's face.>

OBJ - OK who gave you permission to put Stank's face on Cole?

Spin - Ha! That was me.

JS - I did a great job if I do say so myself.

CC - AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

<Cole goes running out of the Destroyitarium, screaming the whole way. Wally wanders into the room a moment later.>

WBK - What's up with Stank?

OBJ - Ah. Don't worry about him.

WBK - He looks different... did he lose weight?

<Camera fades>

[mooseheadjack]

<after the meeting, Moose is in his locker room relaxing watching OOWFtv and shaking his head. SFJ13 walks in with a mic>

SFJ13: Moose, do you have a minute?

MHJ: I suppose, what's on your mind?

SFJ13: Well, after the recent kidnapping by Alexander Darling, you have been strangely quiet, and oddly calm. What are your thoughts on the situation?

MHJ: The situation? You mean what are my thoughts on being kidnapped by that little bitch Alexander Darling? I have already told you my thoughts on that. What he did took balls, but he will regret that he didn't finish the job.

SFJ13: It seems that everyone is expecting you to retaliate against Alexander Darling at some point.

MHJ: And it will come, but not on his terms. See, right now he is expecting it. Right now, no one goes in the halls alone unless they are inviting attack. Now, it would certainly be easy to take some of Bennett's men and attack in the hall, but once you get too many men, things get......unpredictable.

SFJ13: So you are saying Darling is safe for now?

MHJ: Perhaps. Perhaps not. See right now all that matters really is that I have this <holds up the Intercontinental title> Darling can talk all he wants about how he thinks I am a shell of my former self and all that. The fact is, I took your title. And let's not fool ourselves here Darling, I can see right through what you are trying to do. Head games won't work. You can say what you want, you won't goad me into an attack. The attack will come when I say the time is right. And if I feel like bringing five men with me, all the better. See, I am not sure where you think it is I NEED more than myself to take you out. I beat you in the middle of the ring, I made you tap, and I did that, on my own. I don't NEED more than myself to destroy you, but sometimes, its nice to have friends along for the ride.

SFJ13: This week you defend the Intercontinental title against Alexander Darling. What are your thoughts on this match?

MHJ: My thoughts? My thoughts are this. Darling, you like to crow about beating me for the DDT title. And congratulations to you, you won that match. I daresay the Intercontinental title is just a bit higher in the pecking order than the DDT title. There is a term for your title reign in this business, I believe it is called........transitional champion. Right now, that is all you are. A footnote to history. The placeholder between Donovan Viper and Moosehead Jack in the pantheon of Intercontinental champions. Someone who will be forgotten by history long before his time in the ring is through. Think about that for a bit Little Alex.

<fade>

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster stands behind a podium, preparing for a press conference. On the podium is a sign proclaiming “Attitude Adjuster—Greatest Onslaught Champion EVAR!!” There is the usual wrestling press conference audience—in other words six Indy wrestlers posing as journalists, three of them taking way too many photos.

AA: I have gathered the world media this afternoon to discuss the future of the Onslaught title with me, Attitude Adjuster, as your new champion. I’m sure you all understand by now the historic era that is about to take place, as I raise the Onslaught title to its grandest level ever. By the time my reign is over, the Onslaught title will be held in greater esteme than the OOWF Heavyweight title. Now then, any questions? You, sir, from the New York Times.

NYT Reporter: Are you the greatest champion ever in the OOWF, and why?

AA: Good question. Yes, I am, mainly due to my two reigns as OOWF tag team champion (and one time Pun’s House Tag Team Champs) with the greatest tag team partner ever, Johnny Adrenaline. In our time as the No. 1 Tag Team in the World, we ended the careers of Antoine Cutter, the Best Friends Forever, Drink & Destroy, Weapons X and many others who probably aren’t worth mentioning. Yes, you from the London Journal of Medicine.

LJM Reporter: Is your finishing hold, The Claw, the best finisher in wrestling, and why?

AA: Great question. Of course The Claw is the greatest finishing hold in wrestling. I can squash coconuts in a matter of seconds. The Claw makes the Ginsu Knife look like a paper cut. I’d demonstrate, but due to a virus I contacted while on this tour, I have to wear a therapeutic glove at all times from now on. Next question. You with the plaid hat.

Plaid Hat Reporter: Why would a virus force you to wear a glove?

AA: REMOVE THAT MAN!!!!!! Next question! You, from the Las Vegas Sports Book Daily.

LVSBD Reporter: The Onslaught rules state that the champion can make his own special rules. What will your special rule be?

AA: Great question. I’ve decided to make a ground-breaking rule change to the Onslaught title. Before the Onslaught title was built around fair play and clean wrestling, two things I know nothing about. So from now on, to win the Onslaught title, you must cheat to win. Every successful pinfall must be completed with some form of cheating. If a pinfall is not achieved by cheating, the winning wrestler will be disqualified and the champion retains the belt.

Reporters: Huh??? But isn’t that vague and open for abuse by the champion?

AA: Exactly! And now THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER!!!!

[mooseheadjack]

<Stank walks into the Destroyitarium.>

WBK - AH! It's Chris Cole! To ARMS! TO ARMS!

Stank - Shut the fuck up Wally.

WBK - How dare you talk to me like that in THIS place.

<OBJ walks over.>

OBJ - So how did it go?

Stank - I didn't find out much. They certainly don't talk about anything important... Oh and I may have thwarted a coordinated attack on us... oh and Donovan Viper is back for some reason. Something about him and AA doing business together and... oh... did you know they say a prayer before each meeting... and they got BAGELS... all different kinds too.

OBJ - So... nothing we can use against Bennett.

Stank - Not so far. Where's Cole.

OBJ - Uh... Spin? Spin you wanna tell him?

Stank - Tell me what?

Spin - Oh HEY big guy. How's tricks?

Stank - What's going on? Where the fuck is Cole?

Spin - Uh... Cole... right... uh... he is... you're gonna laugh when you hear this...

DHM - Spin told Steel to put your face on him. Cole FREAKED out when he saw what was done to him and ran out.

Stank - AND you guys LET HIM go...?

Spin - He's pretty slippery that Cole.

Stank - I... I don't have the words...

OBJ - Well he's wearing your face so if he tries to go to Bennett they'll likely beat the shit out of him.

Stank - Oh crap... I need to go find him.


----

<Meanwhile at Ric's sandwich stand. Cole sits at a table, muttering to himself, by himself. Alexander Darling walks up to him.>

AD - Stank?

<Cole looks up at Darling with a look of confusion on his... er... Stank's face.>

AD - I need to talk to you. You... you look different. Kind of pale

CC - I'm anemic. Fuck off Darling... WAIT!

AD - !!!

CC - I'm sorry. I'm having a rough day. What did you want to talk to me about?

AD - Something my sister told me about Bennett. You got a minute?

<Cole get's a sinister look in his eyes.>

CC - I sure do. Pull up a chair.

<Camera fades.>

[mooseheadjack]

(The team is back around The Ultimo Inc meeting table. Steel is still getting over what he just did, as he tries to explain it to Podvod.)

Podvod: What in the hell did you think you were doing? Now, what's going to happen when they want their faces back.

Steel: I will just put them back on. (Looking at his hands) I did it once I can do it again.

Podvod: Now when were you going to actually tell me that you were a Doctor?

Steel: I am a retired Surgeon. If you could only see the work I did...I forgot the power you feel from cutting with a scalpel.

Podvod: So why did you retire?

Steel: I was obsessed with the human body and the things it could do and I wanted to make it even better then it was.

Podvod: So that's why you started Ultimo Inc.?

Steel: Exactly. I left surgery and started to spend more time in research. (Still looking at his hands.) and I started to experiment on homeless drunks on ways to enhance the body.

Podvod: This is starting to sound a bit twisted.

Steel: But that's where you come in. I couldn't do it alone, I needed someone that had your knowledge, in chemicals and how the body reacts to them.

Podvod: Steel, I was trying to create vaccines, not build a super solider.

(And right on cue Tytan walks in.)

Tytan: (Proudly) I did it! I finally made some noise my way.

Podvod: What did you do?

Tytan: I threw myself into the Onslaught Title Hunt with one good promo.

Steel: Impressive! Good work Tytan, but it seems like it didn't make a difference?

Tytan: Why?

Steel: AA just had a press conference calling himself the greatest Onslaught Champ Ever.

Podvod: And then announce how the title is going to be defended. You need to cheat to win.

Tytan: Then maybe he needs a little reminder to just who I am!

Steel: Just make this one count.

(Tytan runs off. Podvod is still shaken a bit by finding out the truth about Steel.)

Podvod: So what is your plans then?

Steel: I am going to create perfection.

Podvod: And that's going to be Tytan?

Steel: Perhaps? But I have always thought the only thing that could be true "perfection" is a woman.

(Podvod suddenly gets nervous and gets up to leave.)

Steel: Where do you think you are going?

Podvod: Away from you, you are sick!

Steel: (Stopping her) I never said it was going to be you, well at least not yet. (He laughs an evil laugh. Podvod does the only thing she can do and knees Steel in the groin and runs out looking for Tytan.)

(Blackout)

[mooseheadjack]

[The Dead is looking at the lineup for the week and is a little angry about his spot on the card. He gets up to head to the GM's office, but as he opens the door it slams into ZK DeBeers and levels him.]

Dead:...

[The Dead sees Eric O' Mac down the hall and gestures for him to come over. Eric sees DeBeers on the ground.]

Eric: Ha.

Dead: Excellent.

[mooseheadjack]

The scene comes up outside of the mobile fortress of snobbery, where we see the Sanest man Alive and Carl from Fresno ~TALKING~.

CF: So do you want to explain to me, what we are doing here

JS: Didn't Arithmetic Adjuster screw you out of the Onslaught Championship last week?

CF: Yeah, and you face him this week, so again why are we here?

JS: This time we are going to take a page out of AA's own book.

CF: What book is that

JS: This one (Justin pulls out a copy of The Chickenshit Heels Guide to Garnering Heat Volume 3) On page 257, it says "any time you need cheap heat in a championship feud, simply steal the championship belt."

CF: So we are going to fight off AA and The fag team to steal the Onslaught title?

JS: Actually my inside sources tell me that the fag team are still dealing with the cops after their auto problems, and AA is at the gym.

CF: AA is at a gym?

Both: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Kayfabee peeks her head in and glares, and both immediately stop laughing.

JS: Anyways, now we just need to figure out how to get in.

CF: How about we knock. (Carl knocks on the door, which is soon opened by the worlds greatest fag teams trusty butler Lance)

L: Good evening sirs.

JS: AHHHHHH!! (Justin sucker punches Lance knocking him out.)

CF: Now why did you do that?

JS: He snuck up on me.

CF: He opened the door and said good evening.

JS: Yeah, but he did it sneakily.

CF: Whatever, at least we got in. Now let's get the belt and go.

The two enter the fortress and start searching everywhere. Justin comes to a closet marked random stuff, and opens it. He is immediately smacked in the face by LADDER. The two fall to the ground in a tangle of limbs and rungs. Carl let's out an exasperated sigh, and goes over and pulls Ladder off of Justin. As Carl pulls LADDER up, one of his rungs comes loose, and repeatedly bangs against the wall. An OOWF ref appears and declares your winner by submission, and

New OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, Carl from Fresno.

Justin looks up at Carl in awe, as Carl looks at the title in confusion.

JS: Carl you made LADDER tap out, you may be the strongest wrestler in the world!

CF: Whatever, can we just find the Onslaught Title and get out of here.

Justin looks over and sees a title belt lying in the closet of Random Stuff. He picks it up.

JS: I got it, let's go.

The two quickly flee the fortress. As they are running away, Carl looks over and sees the belt that Justin has.

CF: Great we have two belts, and neither is the one we came here for.

JS: What are you talking about, the nameplate says Attitude Adjuster right here. (Justin points to AA's name on the plate.)

CF: Yeah, but that's not his Onslaught Championship, it's the Trios belt.

JS: Well crap.

The scene fades to black.

[mooseheadjack]

(The camera catches up with Diana Podvod running down the hall of Random Encounters,Beatings and Kidnappings. She is Frantically looking for Tytan.)

Diana: Tytan, where the hell are you?

(She sees Tytan who has AA backed into a corner. She runs up to him just as he is finishing having a "discussion" with him.)

Tytan: (To AA) Now you listen to me you little chicken shit heel. I want a match against you for the title at the Pay-Per-View.

AA: You know I do have a busy schedule and if I am able to fit you in I will because you know I am the "Greatest Onslaught Champion" (Poses for the crowd that has magically appeared with the camera snapping pictures. After that the crowd disappears and Tytan looks confused.)

Tytan: How did that happen?

AA: I pay them to follow me around and appear when I need them. But like I said I will see if I can fit you in.

Tytan: If not...you will have me to deal with. (Tytan then draws back to punch and AA winces back. Tytan then swings and punches a hole in the wall.)

AA: Wow! Nice affect kind of the exclamation point on the whole thing.

Tytan: Yeah I guess....

Diana: Jason....(Catching her breath)

AA: (Looking at Tytan) Jason?

Diana: I mean Tytan...I need you to get me out of here.

Tytan:Why?

(As this is going on AA sees the opportunity to escape unharmed so he does and leaves the two of them.)

Diana: It's Steel he's snapped...he did something about a Face-Off.

Tytan: You mean like in Hockey?

Diana:No.

Tytan: An argument.

Diana: No.

Tytan: You mean the movie Face/Off. A 1997 action film directed by John Woo and starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage. It tells of how an FBI agent must assume the physical appearance of his sworn enemy in order to stop a terrorist plot and how that same enemy then assumes his.

It is considered Woo's most successful American film, both critically and commercially. The film exemplifies gun fu and heroic bloodshed action sequences, and has Travolta and Cage each playing two personalities. It was the first Hollywood film on which Woo was given complete creative control and was acclaimed by both audiences and critics as a result. Eventually grossing $245 million worldwide, the film was a financial success.

Diana:Exactly!

Tytan: Wow. Now that's cool if he could do that but that's impossible. I mean the chances of actually reconstructing someone else's face to look like another person is impossible. But then to return that person to his original face is actually even harder then impossible simply because of having to reconstruct the skull.

Diana: Have you been reading Wikepedia again?

Tytan: Yeah, I had some down time. But Diana, it can't be done.

(Just then they see Chris Cole running down the hallway with Stank's Face on him.)

Tytan: Then again maybe it can....let's get the hell out of here. You can tell me what else happened on the way.

(They run off as the scene fades out.)

[mooseheadjack]

*The Dead and Blitz are WALKING~! backstage. Actually The Dead is Walking~!, and Blitz is following him. The Dead looks pretty pissed. They wander into The Fortress of Snobbery, where they see LADDER on the ground.*

B: HA.

TD: You're doing it wrong.

B: Oh.

[mooseheadjack]

*We ARE LIVE (via tape) at the whatever arena in whereever we are this week! The video cuts to a SFJ#15, who is sitting on a chair, looking straight into the camera.*

SFJ#15: Ladies and gentlemen, I am privleged to be sitting here for an EXCLUSIVE interview with a former 3-time Onslaught champion....ERIC O'MAC!

*And we turn the camera to see Eric, with the PHWF World Heavyweight Championship over his shoulder, with a creepy half smile plastered all over his face.*

Eric: You forgot to mention that I am the PHWF World Heavyweight Champion as well, Stacy.

SFJ#15: My apologies.

Eric: It's just strike one. Hopefully you won't make it to three before this interview is over.

*SFJ#15 looks kind of shaken by this comment, but continues.*

SFJ#15: Eric, you lost to Spin Hanson last week.

Eric: You are wrong. I won.

SFJ#15: Eric, he pinned you to the mat.

Eric: Strike 2. I won the segment. Who was standing tall after the match? It was me. You see, in a war, pinfalls, wins and losses, they really don't matter that much. Spin pinned me and held me down for barely a pincount, but I came out on top.

SFJ#15: OK, well you are in a match with Mark Vander this week.

Eric: Yes I am. A bit of a drop from the card, isn't it?

SFJ#15: A little...

Eric: I mean, two months ago, I was hooking up in the ring with Stank and Concrete TG...and now I'm curtain jerking. Wonderful.

SFJ#15:...

Eric: No, I ASKED for that match. I WANTED Mark Vander in the ring. The truth is...I know little about Mark. But I do know that he hasn't picked a side yet...so, much like the Firebitch, I'm picking for him. It will NOT end well for Mr. Vander, I can assure you of that.

SFJ#15: But why Mark Vander? Honestly, he's kind of low on the totem pole.

Eric: Yes he is. He shouldn't BE in this wrestling federation, So I'm going to send him home. You see, Stacy, there are two sides to every coin, two sides in every situation, and in this particualr situation, there is my side, and every one else. Those not on my side will simply suffer. Mark Vander...he's going to suffer.

SFJ#15: The war has gotten really seriously lately. Aren't you worried that things have gone too far?

Eric: No. This isn't far enough. No, I WANT all of this, Stacy. And I'm worried that EVERYONE is getting a little too soft on me. The point is, this is a war, and there are going to be casualties. And I'm ok with that.

You see, on MY side, we want Rick out, and we're willing to sacrifice our self to get it done. That's it. That's all there is to this war. If we were to lose someone, it'd be tough, but we'd get through it. But SOME people are scared. They think some things have gone too far, and I call bullshit, THIS is what I wanted to get into. Anarchy, chaos, it's all here, it's all real. I've changed everything and there is no turning back now. And that's for everyone. I'll break people in half if they think otherwise. I'm a man of my word.

And I'm starting with Mark Vander. And believe me when I tell you, a lot of people won't like what I do. Bad things will happen. Because, just like I told you earlier, there are two sides, and if you happen to be on the side that isn't mine, you'll pay.

Some people, they attack to intimidate. Some attack because some things were said, or someone has something they want.

Me? I attack because I want to. And if you, anyone else, and ESPECIALLY Mark Vander has a problem with that? Just ask me if I give a shit.

*fade out.*

[mooseheadjack]

Firewoman watches Attitude Adjuster’s promo from her hotel room. It appears to have been a late night, as Firewoman drinks her coffee. Lucky comes in with the mail and a stack of messages.

L: Is it safe?

FW: Ha ha ha.

L: Who were those guys?

FW: Sources of information. What you got?

L: Mostly business endorsement stuff. Oh, and I thought you’d be interested in this. It’s a clipping from a Boston newspaper clipping about a tattooed hand washing up on a beach.

FW: [shakes her head] Vito always had a flair for the dramatic. Look at this... [she rewinds Attitude Adjuster’s promo—]

L: Huh.

FW: Amusing…Where’s our ninja cam? [she looks around until she finds it.] Nice press conference, dude. But you forgot one tiny detail. You didn’t actually beat the previous Onslaught champion. In three weeks, I’ll be back. And you and I will have a little conversation.

phone rings

L: Hello? Who?…….really? Uh, okay. It’s for you.

FW: Obviously. Is it Chris?

L: No….You aren’t going to believe who it is…

Firewoman takes the phone looking confused.

FW: Hello? Oh….hello. …… Wait, say that again?…..Hm….That is an interesting idea…..

The camera fades to black, and when it fades back up, Eric O’ Mac is going through his mail. He comes to a postcard with a beautiful beach scene, and the words “Bienvenidos a Puerto Rico” in yellow. He stares at the front for a moment, and slowly turns it over, as if he doesn’t really want to. On the back it says:

Having a great time. Meeting lots of interesting people. See you soon.

Eric O’ Mac stares at the writing for moment, then picks up his cell phone and begins dialing.

[mooseheadjack]

FF McCappington III, Ryan Hardcore and Attitude Adjuster are standing in front of the OOWF banner, apparently ready to cut a promo as the Campeonas de Trios…ummm…champions.

SFJ #1: We’re standing here with the Campeonas de Trios, The World’s Greatest Fag Team—guys, is that ever going to get fixed?—and Attitude Adjuster, who is also the Onslaught Champion. There’s been some questions lately about the unity of your team, mainly because of your lack of title defenses and AA’s recent chase for, and victory in, the Onslaught title division. Is there tension within the team because of AA’s decision to leave The World’s Greatest Fag Team for singles glory?

AA: Umm, isn’t that a loaded question?

FFM: Hey, there’s no tension here, #1! We are the greatest six-man tag team ever in the OOWF...

SFJ #1: There’s only been a six-man title for about six weeks. Isn’t that a small sample size to be calling yourself the greatest?

RH: Nothing about us is small! I’ve got the largest coc...

AA: Dude, I don’t think she was referring to your manhood.

SFJ #1: Well, actually, it does seem that McCappington and Hardcore’s manhood is at stake and shrinking because of the lack of title defenses. And that seems to be due to you, AA, since you’ve been chasing the Onslaught title lately.

AA: What’s with the loaded questions?!?! Are you Firewoman?

RH: She does have a point, AA. I mean, after all, FFM3 and I are facing a homeless dude and a rabbit this week. We’re probably curtain jerking. I don’t jerk anything!

FFM: Calm down now, Ryan. The Sexy Female Journalist is just trying to play mind games with us because that’s what microphone stands do to heels. But we’re smarter than that. Why? Because we’re the (slaps the belt around his waist) Campeonas (slaps Hardcore’s title) de Trios...(goes to slap AA's belt, then stops suddenly) ummm, AA, why are you wearing the Onslaught title belt? This is an interview about the Campeonas de Trios titles.

AA: Huh? Oh, ummm, I didn’t notice. I just grabbed a belt out of the locker room. Must have grabbed the wrong one. Honest mistake.

FFM: Yeah, sure. (FFM walks off camera, leaving Hardcore confused and AA sputtering.)

AA: Capslock! Dude, come back here! It’s an honest mistake! Ryan, you believe me, don’t you?

Hardcore looks at AA, looks at FFM off camera and slowly walks off. AA is left on camera, staring at SFJ #1.

AA: This is all your fault!

[mooseheadjack]

**SFJ#47 approaches L.D. Williams**

SFJ#47: “L.D., you haven’t said a word about your rematch with Concrete TG this week, nor have you responded to Davin Moreland’s comments from last week. Why not?”

LD: “I said everything I had to say to Concrete last week. Nothing’s changed. Besides, he’s far more concerned with THE Amnesiac than he is with me, and that will be his undoing.

As for Mr Moreland, he has things about right. Whatever’s keeping him out of title matches, it has nothing to do with me. Now, about that whole watching and waiting thing, be my guest Davin. If you ever see me defend this belt with less than everything I’ve got, I want you to be there to kick my ass. The day I give this title less than my best is the day I retire.

But now that that’s out of the way, I want to address a real injustice in the OOWF.”

SFJ#47: “What’s that?”

LD: “It seems to me that when Rick’s guys held gold, they used to do a photoshoot for OOWF magazine almost every week. All of a sudden, that stopped. I mean, look at the lineup of champions; Me, Eric, Moose, IHOP, AA – a double champion no less - Hardcore, and MacCappington. Not exactly the most photogenic group, but we deserve our time in the spotlight too!”

SFJ#47: “Actually, I overheard the OOWF magazine editor when she cancelled the photoshoot – turns out they couldn’t afford to pay a photographer hazard pay.”

LD: “Hazard pay? We’re not that dangerous.”

SFJ#47: “Apparently the male photographers wanted to be paid extra to work with the World’s Greatest Fag Team, and the female ones were afraid of SYB.”

LD: (sigh)

[mooseheadjack]

SFJ78 finds the Midnight Sons in the boiler room, where Spin Hansen is pacing around the room while D.H. Magnusson does pull ups from his chain in the back corner.

SFJ7: Spin, you and D.H. are facing both Team Aquafina and IHOP this week for the tag team championships, championships that both you and Team Aquafina feel that you have rightful ownership over. What are your thoughts going into the match?

SH: My thoughts? What do you my thoughts my thoughts are? Bennett decided to screw with us, and then decided to screw us out of our belts. OUR belts. Not IHOP's, not Phantos and Lucios' ours. And I think it's about time we start screwing back. And we're starting now.

SH: You see, I think with all the fun we tend to have people have forgotten something. D.H. - he's a nice guy. I'm not. I never have been. Now my man here has been doing of keeping me straight, but don't ever forget that deep down inside I'm still a big nasty bastard.

SH: It's time I started reminding people of that. Starting with those four victims in the ring with us this week.

SFJ78: And D.H., you've ha a lot on your plate recently, and there's a lot of buzz about -

SH: You don't want to do that.

SFJ78: Do what?

SH: Talk to him. That nice guy I was telling you about? Well, it's wearing pretty thin right now. He's not the happiest about bein' screwed, either. And I gotta say...While it's always true, I especially wouldn't want to be Attitude Adjuster when he gets a hold of him again.