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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:20:40 GMT -5
<Once again we cut to the GM's door where LJ Bennett is standing with the lineup for the week>
LJB: Well Davin, congratulations, you passed quite a test this week. I'll be honest, I didn't think you had it in you. But, then again, look at you. Things are starting to come a bit unraveled aren't they? You can say what you like, because I know you will deny it, but the pressure is getting to you. Everyone can see you are not the same Davin Moreland that we all knew a few short weeks ago. So, I could do the decent thing and give you a nice easy match this week, a chance to regain your composure, a chance to collect yourself and pull yourself back from the edge a bit.
But I am not going to do that. No Davin, this week you will be facing someone very close to you. A trusted confidant. The captain of Run DEA. That's right, Davin, this week, you will be facing Phantos.
Oh, and Phantos, should you win this match, you would be the number one contender. But since I am a nice guy and all, and I see how eager you and Lucios are to cementing your legacy as the OOWF's greatest tag team, and how you have no interest in personal glory, should you win this match, you and Lucios would get to choose a match against any OOWF tag team in its history, with the stips of your choosing. Keep that in mind.
And Davin, one more thing, you call me the puppet master, you say I am pulling LD's strings. That couldn't be further from the truth. The fact is, the only strings I am pulling.....are yours.
<Bennett posts the lineup>
***********************************
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Hammerfest, Norway
OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
LD Williams vs. Tournament Royal Elimination Match Loser
OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Alexander Darling vs. Chris Cole
OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Attitude Adjuster vs. Firewoman
OOWF Campeonas de Trios Championship Match[/u]
Insane Homeless Bunny vs. IHOP & The Amnesiac
Tournament Royal Elimination Match[/u]
Tytan vs. Spin Hansen
#1 Contenders Match[/u]
Davin Moreland vs. Phantos
Hardcore Rules Match[/u]
Stank vs. Moosehead Jack
DH Magnusson vs. Apocalyptic Existence
Dead & Blitz vs. Cape Town Cannibals
Poe & The Worlds Greatest Fag Team vs. Outback Jack, Concrete TG & Seamus McNasty
Lucios vs. Tyson Kincaid
Eric O'Mac vs. Damon Wrath
Card subject to strength of the Euro
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:23:00 GMT -5
*Concrete TG is at the counter at Flair's shop, no doubt waiting for a hero sandwich, when he hears a loud belch behind him, and turns to see OBJ.*
CTG: Citizen Outback Jack! I'm looking forward to teaming with you this week!
OBJ: Yeah, well if you bring it like you did when you and Moose were facing The Team From Down Under I'll be a happy camper too. I just hope you can keep your mind on the match.
CTG: That's uncalled for. You know I always try my hardest.
OBJ: True, but I hope your head isn't in the clouds with some superhero crap. And don't even think about asking me or Seamus to wear anything with S.H.I.T. on it.
CTG: Now, let's not be hasty. I think...
*Crete is interrupted by a voice coming from below the level of the counter.*
Voice: Hey, are you guys gonna order or what?
OBJ: Oh, sorry Vader. G'day, Hammer, I didn't see you guys there.
Another voice from below the counter: Very funny, Jack. Who's your goofy friend?
CTG: You're calling me goofy? You're supposed to be Van Hammer, and he's supposed to be the man they call Vader?
1st Voice: Actually, I'm doing the WCW version of Van Vader. And what was up with the "they" who called him Vader - who were "they" anyways?
OBJ: Crete, these are a couple of old friends of mine, and the best midget tag team I've ever seen.
2nd Voice: Thanks, but you know the politically correct term is mini, not midget.
OBJ: My bad.
CTG: So the name of your tag team is...
Voices together: The Mini Vans!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:23:52 GMT -5
The camera picks up Tytan leaving the arena after Mayhem, a dozen fans are at the back lot trying to sneak an autograph or two. The fans see Tytan and ask for an autograph, Tytan smiles and begins to do so. As this is going on Sylvia makes her way toward him.)
Tytan: I was wondering if I was going to get out of here tonight without running into you.
Sylvia: I always make sure I get my man. (She smiles and there is a tension for a second or two.) Okay, that was awkward.
Tytan: I agree.
Sylvia: So Tytan it's down to you and Spin any comments?
Tytan: Stepping awy from the corwd and towards the camera. LD I told you it was going to happen. You know after my match I started thinking. I am beating up LD's opponents for him. The thing that makes this even better is that you are still having a hard time with them anyway?
So I was going to ask this one for you champ, who's going to come after me when I come to face you? I certainly can't do it. You know I got nothing against Davin but when you finally have to face him, are you and Bennett going to set it up that you want me to beat him up to before you face him. I mean champ look at the last two weeks...is that the only way you can win matches these days?
Sylvia: Did you just claim that Bennett is helping out the champ?
Tytan: You know I think I may hae to agree with Davin on this one.
Sylvia: But aren't you suppose to be on the same team as him?
(The crowd boos)
Tytan: What and give this up? I don't work for Steel anymore and that goes the same for Team Bennett.
Sylvia: So does that make you a member of Team Rick?
Tytan: It makes me a free agent. Besides this war is destroying this federation and it need to be done.
Sylvia: So two weeks in a row and two appearances by your new hooded friend, are you going to let us in on the secret?
Tytan: Right now Sylvia, you and the rest of the OOWF are going to have to wait. The secret is between the two of us.
Sylvia: Not even a hint?
Tytan: Sorry but now it's time to sign some autographs.
Sylvia: Fine. Thanks Tytan, and now back to you Jim.
(Fade out)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:25:02 GMT -5
Phantos and Lucios are inside the Dunkin Donuts Limousine.
Phantos: Man, I just don't get it. Me? Wrestle Davin?
Lucios: Bennett's neverending plan to screw with us. Pit Davin against his friends, hope someone turns on him, create dissent.
You two can have a Flippy Guy Classic out there and make all the teenage internet wrestling dweebs drool.
Phantos: I know that, Davin's a blast to work out with. But wrestle a teammate? That'd be like wrestling you.
Lucios: Brother, just go out there and give it 100%.
Phantos: What if I win? Who do we want to face? Weapon X? D&D origional? kz? The 3 Piece Set?
Lucios: Of all thoise, the only team I Want to face would be Weapon X. Dragging Canadian Dragon away from his job at the Labatt's brewery might be difficult.
Beating them decisively in a Best 2 out of 3 Falls Match; then ending their reign as record holders would be fantastic.
Phantos: That's a GREAT PLAN!
Lucios: Lets head back. if you're going to beat Davin, you have work to do.
Phantos: What about you versus Kincaid?
Lucios: Meh. Lets go.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:26:09 GMT -5
(CTG recovers from the horrible pun when his hero sandwich is served)
CTG: Citizen Jack, why do you even question my focus about this match?
OBJ: you're not preparing you take out Stank, eh?
CTG: I reiterate, I have no reason to take out an ally in this war. My concern is that Moosehead Jack once again attempts to slander my reputation.
OBJ: "slander"? I think it's "Slaughta" and he's gonna slaughta more than your reputation, mate.
CTG: but to answer your other question, I merely offer the costumes as a means of solidarity. There is no "requirement" to wear the gear
OBJ: then how'd you get Stank to wear HIS?
CTG: He promised in a moment of excessive inebriation. And no Hero goes Back on His Promises.
OBJ: he's gonna slaughta you to, ya know.
CTG: not until this war is settled. Meantime, we need to discuss strategy for our match.
OBJ: not here, mate. You'll have to come with me.
CTG: (looks over the counter) I'll need a Pepsi, to go....
OBJ: not gonna drink?
CTG: I am better at my craft when my mind isn't clouded as such
OBJ: (chugs his beer, belches) That's Australian for "Lightweight".
(CTG takes his soda and follows OBJ out of the sandwich shop)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:27:42 GMT -5
<Moose and Stank are in the Destroyitarium watching Crete's promo>
Stank: See?
MHJ: See what?
Stank: It can't be Crete, he hates you more than anyone else in this fed
MHJ: Makes for the perfect cover
Stank: Crete would never go to you for help
MHJ: Really? He didn't seem to have a problem taking my help when we won the tag titles together
<Stank just stares at Moose>
Stank: Our match this week, hardcore rules huh.
MHJ: Someone is really pushing for me to take the bounty
Stank: I suppose Crete is behind that too
MHJ: Wouldn't you say Rick owes him one?
Stank: For what?
MHJ: For walking away from a title shot in McMahonland and coming back to the OOWF for this war?
Stank: Wait, you really think.........
MHJ: Do YOU really think Crete has feuded with me all these years and not picked up on SOME deviousness? Remember Crete hired goons to take me out before finals of the Lazy Booking Invitational last year
<Stank and Moose both go back to drinking without saying another word>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:28:39 GMT -5
<Minutes later Stank walks over to Concrete TG's locker room. He opens the door and walks in.>
Stank - Crete? CRETE? I need to talk to you.
<Stank looks around, but finds the locker room empty. He then starts thinking out loud...>
Stank - This is dumb. I don't really believe Crete would do this. Maybe I am giving Moose too much credit. He's the one that keeps insisting it's Crete. Maybe he really wants it to be Crete. Maybe...*WHAM!* *WHAM!*
<Something very hard and heavy hits Stank on his back, and then smacked hard up against the back of his head. The two blows take the big man down from behind. The last image Stank sees before he loses consciousness is Crete's cape draped over his head.>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:29:19 GMT -5
*Fade into the palatial IHOP lockerroom. SYB and Skurge are both alternating between pacing, yelling various obscenities, and throwing things at other things. The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth sits quietly out of their way. Suddenly, Skurge stops pacing and approaches the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth…
Skurge: Dorothy, how can you be so calm? Justin Sane dropkicked you at OOWF MidWeek Mayhem, Live! From Sabugal, Portugal. That’s…it’s…it’s…FUCK! It’s fucking unacceptable is what it is!
DM: But–
SYB: Yeah, Dorothy. It was a total douche move. He should really pay for it.
DM: But–
Skurge: Fuck this. I’m oot of here. I’m going to find Sane, and I’m going to fucking murder him.
DM: But–
SYB: Heh. You keep saying “butt.”
Skurge: Shut the fuck up, Solly. Try to take this seriously, eh? Dorothy got attacked. That can’t happen. We need to make an example of this fuckwad so it doesn’t happen again.
DM: Look – both of you shut up for a minute, would you? There’s a ceasefire in place. You can’t go after Sane right now. You’ll have to wait for OOWF MidWeek Mayhem, Live! From Hammerfest, Norway, next week.
Skurge: But–
SYB: Heh. Now you–
Skurge: Laugh it up, cueball. Dorothy’s right. As much as I want to kick Sane’s ass, it’ll have to wait. That said, if you don’t start taking this situation more seriously, I can and will kick your ass.
DM: Guys, don’t let this situation get you fighting with each other. Sane’s not worth that. And don’t worry about taking Sane out. I’ll take care of that myself.
*With that, the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth walks out of the palatial IHOP lockerroom, leaving Skurge and SYB wondering what she meant.
*We catch up with the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth walking down the hallway. In the distance, we see Justin Sane having a heated agrument with…wait…is that…*sigh*…he’s arguing with a Ladder. I hate this job sometimes…
JS: I’ve faced 16-footers in my time, pal. You don’t scare me one bit!
Ladder: …
JS: That’s what I thought you said!
DM: Hey Justin.
JS: Shit! You scared the hell out of me, Dorothy.
DM: It’s Miss Mantooth, thanks. We need to talk. Can we go sit over there?
JS: Sure, Dor– Miss Mantooth.
*As Justin Sane turns his back, the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth reaches into her purse and pulls out…holy shit! That’s easily the biggest vibrator I’ve ever seen! That thing’s gotta be, like, 14 inches! Wait, now it’s going back into the purse, and the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth is blushing slightly as she pulls out…a lead pipe! Closing the distance between herself and Justin Sane, the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth takes a mighty swing and connects with the back of Justin Sane’s skull with a sickening thud. Justin Sane lands face-first on the floor, his ass in the air. As the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth reaches back into her purse, pulling out the giant vibrator once again, we see a smile start to appear on Justin Sane’s face as we *FADE*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:30:36 GMT -5
(CTG returns to his locker room after his strategy session with OBJ and sees his cape on the floor covering something. Confused, he pulls the cape back to reveal the still-unconscious Stank)
CTG: Citizen Stank! (tosses the cape back on top of his duffel bag) Who could have done such a thing! In my locker room, no less? (shakes one of Stank's shoulders) Citizen, awaken! Great injustice has befallen here!
(Stank's eyes snap open and one huge paw snaps around Crete's throat)
Stank: (snarling) the FUCK you think you're doing?? I'M ON YOUR SIDE
CTG: (gagchokeflail)
Stank: you think this is FUNNY?? You wanna sneak up on me and bash me over the head with an oversized -
CTG: (gagcough) not.... me.....
Stank: Fuck that (shoves Crete back) I came here to TALK and you fuckin blindside me with a giant-
CTG: Stay your hand, citizen! (coughrasp) I've done no such thing!
Stank: the hell you didn't! Who else comes in here?
CTG: besides you?
Stank: then you blindsided me with a fuckin-
CTG: I have NO SUCH WEAPON!
Stank: (glare)
CTG: (coughcough) I just came back from talking to Outback Jack about my match. You're my ally, why would I want to knock you out?
Stank: cos of the bounty you put on my ass
CTG: I did NO such thing! I reiterate, were I to stoop that low, it would be for Moosehead JAck!
Stank: (winds up to swing at Crete, then hesitates)
CTG: would I risk suspension for something like that? I wouldn't be working for a time and Moosehead Jack tries to end this war in Bennett's favor
Stank; ...... I need a drink (stomps out)
CTG: (relieved, but then thinks about the scenario) ... it's too simple, even for Moose's tastes.... something else is afoot....
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:31:40 GMT -5
*We open to the Run DEA Suites, presented by Aquafina and Starwood Hotels. Right now, Smokey is sleeping on top of a sleeping Spirios. Aww. We know, however, that THAT will not last long*
Phantos: *screaming from another room* HAS ANYONE SEEN MY CAPE?!?!?
*Spirios and Smokey scatter. Told ya*
Davin: *yelling from another room* WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED YOUR CAPE FOR?
Phantos: I NEED IT FOR OUR MATCH!
*Davin comes out into the common area*
DM: Dude, you're not wearing that fucking cape for our match, are you?
*Phantos comes out*
P: Well, yeah. I always wear it.
DM: *sighs* I don't need cape-wearing Phantos this week.
P: What does that mean?
DM: I mean, this is your chance to be #1 contender. I know Bennett was telling you all sorts of things about what you can Luc can do; but when it comes down to it; YOU COULD be the #1 contender if you wanted. And damn it, you can beat LD. You could be OOWF World Heavyweight Champion; but we can't have Phantos with the cape. If I could get you to take off the mask I would, but I know that won't happen. This has to be you; all focused on winning; not on being a superhero. You get what I'm saying?
P: I think so. But what's all this about how I'm going to beat you?
DM: Phantos, I don't think anyone can beat me. I have to think that way. But if there's anyone out there who can do it is you. You can flip better than me and you're faster than me. There's not too many people in the OOWF that can say that.
P: You're also a foot taller and like 150 lbs. heavier.
DM: You know as well as anyone that height and weight has nothing to do with winning. I know you can win Phantos; and if I have to lose to anyone, I hope it's you.
P: Me? Why?
DM: You and Luc have been like my brothers, little man. I mean, look around at all this. We've come a LONG way together; and you guys winning, I dunno, it's kinda like I win, P-Dawg.
P: Wow. Thanks Davin.
DM: Now, saying that; and I meant every word of it; that I will do anything...ANYTHING, to be the OOWF World Heavyweight Champion. And I'm going to do everything I can to get there. You got that?
P: Yeah, sure Davin.
DM: No seriously; do you get what I'm saying?
P: Yeah, yeah. Want an Aquafina?
DM: No thanks P-Dawg.
*Phantos grabs an Aquafina and goes in the other room. As soon as he leaves, Samantha Darling comes out, holding a familiar looking cape that looks like it has an Aquafina logo on it*
SD: What's this?
DM: Hello to you too.
SD: Seriously. What IS this? And why was it in my suite?
DM: Shhh, it's Phantos' cape
SD: Why is it in MY suite?
DM: Because I put it there.
SD: Why did you put it there?
DM: Why are you asking so many questions?
SD: Because I want to know why.
DM: Because go fuck yourself. THAT'S WHY!
*Davin laughs uncontrollably, Samantha is not amused.*
DM: Ok, fine. I didn't want Phantos to wear it for our match, so I hid it on him.
SD: Why was it in my suite?
DM: Because he would never look in there. He's scared of you.
SD: Why is he scared of me?
DM: EVERYONE is scared of you. You've been acting really strangely lately.
SD: Well, fucking DUH. I mean, how do you expect me to react hearing something like that?
DM: Well, I assumed, not like this.
*Samantha throws the cape at him*
SD: Fine, I'll just go be scary and unfeeling like the rest of my fucking family. No wonder they're all like that.
DM: Now, hold on a second.
SD: No, YOU fucking hold on. I've been sitting here silently watching you and my brother...
DM: Brother Dear...
SD: I DO NOT call him that. That's fucking creepy. Anyway, I've been silently watching you and my brother turn into goddamned psychopaths, and I'm not going to stand for it any more. The war, the war, the war. It's all the two of you have talked about for months. LEXIE goes to Boston...
DM: And doesn't take me...
SD: Why SHOULD she take you? She doesn't exactly like you very much.
DM: Oh, I dunno, because I'd rather be, you know, pretty much HOME as opposed to in Timbuktu or wherever the fuck we were. Besides. How can she not like me. Everyone likes me. Kids like me. Even kittens *on cue, Smokey jumps into Davin's arms* like me.
SD: She doesn't.
DM: Then she's a stupid. She just wasn't expecting to be swerved.
SD: No, but then again, neither were you.
DM: Oh sure I did, but it was to my benefit. So I let it happen.
SD: Ah yes, the "evil genius mastermind" *rolls eyes* how can I forget?
DM: Not evil.
SD: *stares*
DM: Hey, I'm not evil. *looks down at how he's petting Smokey, and realizes he looks like an Evil Genius Archetype, so he puts her down* I'm not evil. I'm just tired of being taken advantage of; and I'm tried of putting up with bullshit. I just wanna wrestle. I just want belts. I'm not all that complicated.
*Samantha laughs her ass off at that last part*
DM: What?
SD: Please, you're the definition of complicated. Plus you're crazy.
DM: *shrugs* You like crazy.
SD: *shrugs back* I'm a Darling.
DM: That you are. Hey, now that we're almost back in the real world; wanna go get liquored up?
SD: *looks around* Yeah, sure. Nothing else to do.
DM: Cool.
*They both get up and walk out the door. Apparently, we have a Ninja Cameraman with cement feet, because he doesn't follow them, but the audio is still up*
DM: So it bothered you that much?
SD: Yeah. I didn't expect that from you.
DM: You know WHY, right?
SD: Oh, I TOTALLY know WHY. Just didn't expect it.
DM: There's a lot you don't know about me.
SD: Line stealer.
DM: I am, now...about this week...
*Voices fade, video fades*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:32:09 GMT -5
Phantos and Lucios are sitting in the Aquafina Run-DEA Luxury Suites. Lucios brandishes a remote and is pointing out things to his partner on the Sony Multimedia Center. A Randomly Numbered Sexy Female Journalist walks in, mic in hand and cameraman in tow.
RNSFJ: Hi Guys! Can we get some comments from you about your singles matches this week?
Phantos: (leaping out of his chair) Sure thing honey!
Lucios: Really, is this necessary? We're a little busy.
RNSFJ: (checking her notebook) You two are on my itenerary for today.
Phantos: It's Ok. My partner, he's a little grumpy here lately. Please, have a seat.
(Phantos sits down right next to the SFJ, leaving no daylight between them.)
RNSFJ: Wow, this is nice, leather?
Phantos: Nothing but the best with Run-DEA.
Lucios: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me.
RNSFJ: So, Phantos, I see you are hard at work preparing for your match with Davin Moreland. Is it going to be difficult wrestling in only your second singles match in over a year here in the OOWF?
Phantos: Difficult? of course not. Davin is an amazing wrestler, but I will definitly hold up my end of the bargain.
RNSFJ: What about you Lucios? This will be just your 3rd singles match here. Any reservations?
Lucios: Reservations? I have reservations about why we arer even IN singles matches this week. LJ Bennett is trying to screw with us. He's been doing this to us for weeks on end. We had to fight tooth and nail to get a fiar shot at the Tag Team Championships. Now The Show Before a Pay Per View, he puts the Tag Team Champions in Singles matches. Not singles matches that make sense, like against our pay per view opponents, but in two unrealted contests. Yeah, way to book a show there LJ.
RNSFJ: Isn't Phantos in the match with Davin because Mr. bennett is trying to get at Davin?
Phantos: It serves both purposes. Splits us up, and puts Davin and I both in uncomfortable situations. He wants someone to take that Number 1 Contendership from Davin. He could send his cronies to do it, but he is intent on torturing Davin along the way.
(Davin Moreland walks in at that moment. The room goes silent)
Davin: Talking about me I see.
Phantos: Nothing bad kimosabe.
Lucios: Shannon here was trying to stir the pot and get Phantos to trash talk about the mathc this week.
RNSFJ: I'm not S..
Davin: Save it. P Dawg, you and I are going out and tearing the house down this week. Match of the year candidate guarnateed.
Phantos: Heck Yeah!
RNSFJ: I was going to say my name isn't Shan...
Lucios: It really doesn't matter
Phantos: Here's $200. (Hands it to the SFJ) I want you to go flash Tyson Kincaid Wednesday. He needs something good to happen to him that day.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:32:56 GMT -5
**SFJ#47 is standing with L.D. Williams.**
SFJ#47: “L.D. Tytan has had some strong words for you again this week. Your comments?”
LD: “Honestly, I’m having some trouble figuring this out. Tytan and Moreland both keep accusing me of being protected by Bennett. They seem to think that this Tournament Royale is some sort of conspiracy to give me easier opponents. There’s a little catch with that theory. Roll the footage:
LD: “If this Tournament Royale is meant to protect me, Team Rick has some serious issues – not that that’s news.
Tytan, you’ve got a title shot. Make the most of it. But quit pretending that I’m hiding from you. Make your reputation in the ring, not with your mouth.
As for you, Davin, you’re on your own. Whatever happens between you and Bennett is your problem, not mine. I’m not exactly Bennett’s favourite person - especially after last week – I can’t see him doing me any favours anytime soon.”
**Williams turns to walk away, but turns back to the camera.**
LD: “Oh, and Phantos - I still have Dragon's number. Anytime, anywhere.”
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:34:29 GMT -5
Old School Promo with "The Main Event" Chris Cole
Cole: Alexander Darling, last time we faced off for the Intercontinental Title I had you beaten, bruised, and defeated. I knew it, the boys in the back knew, everybody in the arena knew it, everybody watching on TV knew it, and most importantly YOU knew it. And to keep that title you got yourself DQed. You can't beat me Alex. You can try and dodge me week afetr week but sooner or later I'm going to get you cornered and I'm going to deliver the Headliner. And then I'm going to take your Intercontinental Title. There isn't a damn thing you can do to stop me.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:34:52 GMT -5
Attitude Adjuster is in front of the Old School OOWF banner, without a SFJ this time, but BY GAWD he’s got a microphone.
AA: So much has been talked about lately about Firewoman’s “condition” and whether my “accidental” jab with the tennis racket a few weeks ago caused damage to her “condition.” Well, if you ask me, Firewoman isn’t getting any thinner of late, if you know what I mean. She’s looking a little tight in those tights. Lay off the Wendy’s triple cheeseburgers, woman!
But let’s assume for a second that she actually has a “condition.” I scoured the world far and wide this week, and through the magic of technology, I found the perfect example of what a little Firegirl would look like. So with no further ado, I present to you, Firewoman’s child!
(Into the scene walks a very ugly midget with a wig to make him look like Firewoman. For some reason the midget has a 5 o’clock shadow and chest hair exposed from under a frilly dress.)
AA (trying to control laughter): So this...hehehehe...this is what Firewoman’s kid would look like?? Damn, I should have hit her a little harder! Damn, you’re ugly!
(The midget is taken aback that he’s ugly and puts up his fists.)
AA: Come on now, Firegirl. OK, maybe you’re not that ugly. Maybe I need to put you in a better light. Here (AA leaves the scene), how about this? (AA returns with a baby’s highchair. He picks up “Firegirl” and stuffs him in the high chair.) There, that’s better. Yeah, you’re not so ugly now. In fact, you’re kinda good looking...Nah, who am I kidding, you’re still ugly!
(Turning to the camera) Now tell me, OOWF Championship Committee, do you really want as your champion someone who can produce this kind of ugly upon the world? I mean, do you want THIS as your second-generation wrestler? In fact, I may just do you all a favor this week, and not defend my Onslaught title against Firewoman. It’s for the good of the ENTIRE COMPANY that I remain champion!
(AA looks over at the midget, who’s getting madder and trying to get out of the high chair.)
AA: What, you have something to say? Here, you want the mic? (AA pretends to give the midget the mic, then takes it away.) You really want the mic? (AA gives and takes again.) Ok, Ok, I’ll give you the mic.
And with that AA clobbers the midget in the head with the microphone, then grabs the midget by the head and DDTs HIM FROM THE TOP OF THE HIGH CHAIR TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!!! AA then grabs a giant vibrator that was hidden behind his back and beats the midget even more senseless.
AA: Firewoman, this is your fault! I can’t help it if you decided to get knocked up in some backwater hellhole during this Third World Tour of ours. Some of us have morals. Some of us have respect for our bodies. And some of us—like me—have physical talents that are far greater than laying on your back for money! This Wednesday, at Midweek Mayhem in whatever Podunk town we’re in—I don’t care about the cheap pop!—Firewoman, I’m going to teach you a lesson about wrestling men that has nothing to do with exchanging bodily fluids!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:36:34 GMT -5
**SFJ#47 is standing with L.D. Williams.** SFJ#47: “L.D. Tytan has had some strong words for you again this week. Your comments?” LD: “Honestly, I’m having some trouble figuring this out. Tytan and Moreland both keep accusing me of being protected by Bennett. They seem to think that this Tournament Royale is some sort of conspiracy to give me easier opponents. There’s a little catch with that theory. Roll the footage: LD: “If this Tournament Royale is meant to protect me, Team Rick has some serious issues – not that that’s news. Tytan, you’ve got a title shot. Make the most of it. But quit pretending that I’m hiding from you. Make your reputation in the ring, not with your mouth. As for you, Davin, you’re on your own. Whatever happens between you and Bennett is your problem, not mine. I’m not exactly Bennett’s favourite person - especially after last week – I can’t see him doing me any favours anytime soon.” **Williams turns to walk away, but turns back to the camera.** LD: “Oh, and Phantos - I still have Dragon's number. Anytime, anywhere.” *Davin Moreland is WATCHING a monitor, conveniently tuned to OOWF-TV* DM: My name is Bennett's Lapdog and I approved this message. DM: Do you get to say ANYTHING on your own? Or does Massa Bennett just write out the scripts for you? You actually used to be someone worthy of being Champion around here, but now? You're just a Bennett sycophant. Just another Massa Bennett Lapdog who chickenshits their way around this place. DM: You're not this favorite person? Please, you're World Champ. You're his meal ticket. If you had any balls whatsoever, you'd tell him you want this match. Unfortunately, Massa Bennett has your balls in a vice and pretty soon he'll cut them off completely; and you'll be like every other Bennett Lapdog in this place. Your Championship reign is already on the verge of being tainted and then forgotten; and you can attribute that directly to your Massa. DM: LD, does that stand for Lap Dog by the way? That would be appropriate. LD, I want you to pay close attention this week. Your Massa Bennett seems to think that by putting me up against friends and associates that I would somehow be unable to look past that. Remember when I told you, Lap Dog, that I am only truly loyal to one person? DM: Lap Dog, watch this week. You're going to see that I am prepared to do ANYTHING it takes to win. ANYTHING. Phantos is like my brother, but not even he can stand in my way. He knows I'm not going to be taking it easy on him; and I would hope he wouldn't either. DM: So Lap Dog, watch this week. Watch how a true champion handles himself. That is, if you can get your TV viewing in between trips to the catering table and chickenshitting around jobbers. *fade* |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:37:18 GMT -5
(Tytan watches the current round of promos on OOWF-tv and laughs and Sylvia and her cameraman make their way in to Tytan's training area.)
Tytan: Now I suppose you want my response to the new round of promos.
Sylvia: Well that's what I get paid for.
Tytan: First off I like Davin's new nickname for LD. But I will leave that for him to use. LD you want to tell me to make the most of my title shot. Believe me, I am planning too. I have an idea in mind that will help prevent anyone from interfering in a fair fight. But you will find that out once I put Spin away. Spin don't think I have overlooked you but I will tell you this much my mystery is better then your mystery trainer. You have been training so hard for your title shot you forgot about Tytan. But that will change come Mayhem.
Davin, first off you need to realize I am not one of these jobbers you have talked about. I have a little bit of a win streak going on since my feud with Outback Jack ended. Yeah he did beat me in our final match but since then all it's been is W's. In fact who's been the one beating all the other contenders in this tourney. Yep you guesss it. ME! That means there is one more to go until LD and if you even think about screwing with it. You will have the wrath of Tytan to deal with, because unlike LD I won't hesitate to get in the ring with you.
(Fade out)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:37:51 GMT -5
In the Run-DEA Suites presented by Aquafina, Firewoman is sitting in her Locker Room sponsored by GNC, stretching before a workout. Phantos is there helping.
P: So wait. Bennett knows?
FW: I would guess.
P: And yet he’s still booking you in matches? What kind of monster does that?
FW: I don’t know. But it’s fine, I’ve checked it out.
P: If you say so. Where’d you get this cool chocolate?
FW: Alexander sent for it. I’m kinda torn between devouring it and having it tested for foreign substances.
They laugh.
P: Did you see AA's latest stunt?
FW: Yeah, he puts a whole lot of effort into hiring actors and getting props to make his point. You know, time he could spend training and practicing. Then, maybe he’d actually win something.
Attitude Adjuster, take a step into 2008. Heck, take a step into 1988. Men and women have been doing the same jobs for a couple of decades now. And we are way beyond the era where my sex life would really be any of your business. So how about you quit being jealous and focus on beating me in the ring, and doing it the right way for a change.
P: Fire, what kind of man carries a giant vibrator around?
FW: Well…. [She looks at Phantos for a moment, then decides he’s not ready for at least one of the possible answers to that question.] Never mind. The kind of man who is so insecure about his masculinity, that he resorts to tricks and cheating to beat his opponent. A man whose very identity is threatened by the fact that this is the only way he can beat a GIRL!!
Basically, he’s compensating for some inadequacy. I’ll leave it to you to figure out what kind.
P: So…we’re the only ones here.
FW: I’ve noticed. What's on your mind, big guy?
P: You can tell me. You know I won’t tell anyone.
FW: Tell you what?
P: You know….who…..?
FW: Who what?
P: Seriously? The question of the hour!! Who’s the fa—
At that moment, there is a knock on the locker room door, and a tall, blonde man with a beard peeks in.
FW: SVEN!!
P: Sven?
FW: Yes, I met him in Iceland, remember? He went with me to Finland.
P: Oh…um….
S: It’s good to see you. Maybe we can have party again? Icelandic accent
FW: Well, maybe, within reason. What are you doing for the next hour?
Firewoman allows Sven into the room, and shoves Phantos out the door.
P: Uh…okay.
Lucios: What’s up with that?
P: Must be hormones.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:38:15 GMT -5
[The Dead walks into his locker room and sees Blitz standing there, waving wildly.]
Blitz: Hey buddy, long time no see!
Dead: Aww fuck...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:39:14 GMT -5
<Moose walks into the Destroyitarium and sees Stank sitting there with an ice pack on the back of his head> MHJ: Nasty bump you got there Stank: Yeah you must really hate that MHJ: Doesn't much matter to me either way, what's YOUR problem? S:<staring exasperated at Moose> WHAT'S MY PROBLEM? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I have someone on MY team putting a bounty on me. I have YOU walking in here like we are fucking Harris and Alt. I have SOMEone attacking me from behind, and right now, I am OUT OF BEER! <The bartender scrambles to get Stank a new beer> MHJ: I mean other than that Stank: Fuck you MHJ: Are either of us going to mention our hardcore match this week? Stank: I suppose we should <Stank and Moose both turn on the bar stools to face the camera. Behind them a tarp with the OOWF logo rolls down and a Random SFJ appears between them with a mic> RSFJ: I am here with Moosehead Jack and Stank who will be facing each other in a Hardcore Match this week Stank: You know, a lot has been said over the last few weeks, between the bounty put on me, and the sudden cease fire in the war, I have a lot of pent up frustration, and this week at MidWeek Mayhem, LIVE From Hammerfest, Norway, <cheap pop> I plan on unleashing all that pent up frustration, and about seven levels of hell on you Moose. You better bring your best, you are DAMN sure going to need it. MHJ: Stank, a wise man once said, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Right now, whether you like it or not, I am in your head. You know me, you know what I can do in the ring, what you DON'T know is whether I will do it or not. Will I take the bounty? Will I take Crete's blood money? A lot can happen in a hardcore match Stank. A knee can get twisted, an ankle can get rolled, a neck can get broken. This week at MidWeek Mayhem, all that has to be on your mind. And you know damn well that if you take your focus off of me for ONE second, its all over. Stank: Trust you? MHJ: Would you? Stank: No <The tarp rolls back up and the Random Sexy Female Journalist walks away and Moose and Stank both turn back around on their bar stools> Stank: Nice promo MHJ: It served its purpose Stank: So this bounty, I still don't think it is Crete MHJ: Ok, let's go through the options. Do you REALLY think it could be anyone from Drink & Destroy? Spin, DH or Jack? Stank: Hell no. If any of them had a problem with me, they would come to me, even if Spin has been a little..........strange lately MHJ: Ok, fine, Insane Homeless Bunny? Stank: Carl, Justin or Bunny? I can't see any of them doing it either. I mean.........no, I just can't see that MHJ: Fine. Phantos or Lucios? Stank: Are you serious? Those guys are so by the book, they are the faciest faces I have ever seen. A Bounty by them? MHJ: Yeah, even I can't see that. Ok, what about Davin? Stank: No way. He is like DH, Jack and Spin, if he had a problem with me, he would come to me face to face. MHJ: Firewoman? Stank: No, not her either. Her and I haven't even crossed paths in forever, why on earth would SHE put a bounty on me? MHJ: I don't know, are you responsible for her............condition? Stank: NO! MHJ: You sure? Stank: Next.......fucking......question MHJ: Fine. Alexander Darling Stank:<pauses for a moment> He said he didn't MHJ: And you believe him? Stank: Why would he lie? MHJ: Oh gee I don't know, maybe thats because thats what he does? Stank: You hate him MHJ: Damn right I do Stank: No, that doesn't seem like him MHJ: He has the money to do it, and he is a sneaky little fuck too Stank: Yeah, he is, but thats not how he operates, he would come after me head on, he is a sick little fuck that way MHJ: True Stank: Plus, HE wouldn't do business with you, and I am fairly certain YOU wouldn't do business with him. MHJ: GM the Rick? Stank: I just can't see that one either. I mean he is trying to get rid of Bennett, who would he risk alienating ME, AND causing tension within the team? I may not like Rick a whole lot, but that just doesn't make ANY sense at all. No, it can't be Rick. MHJ: That only leaves one person Stank: Crete MHJ: Yep Stank: I can't even imagine Crete doing this though. I mean calling YOU? MHJ: It's the perfect cover because no one believes he would do it. Look at you, you are in complete disbelief right now. Crete can play innocent and act all hurt at the very accusation of it all. Meanwhile, every time you turn around, you are in danger of being attacked. Beside, you know damn well Crete would have my cell number. We DID team, remember? Stank: Moose, I just..........come on MHJ: Who in the OOWF knows Crete better than me? Stank: No one, I suppose MHJ: exactly. Look, Crete is saying all the right things during this war. He says he is 100% behind Rick and this whole cause in the war. But look at him, REALLY look at him. Behind him saying all the right things burns the rage of a man who is seriously pissed off. He lost his chance at glory for this war. He gave that up to come back to the OOWF. And then when he did, did any of you appreciate it? Did any of you thank him? Nope. All of you mocked him and treated him like he wasn't wanted or needed during this. You think that doesn't eat at his pride? Stank: But why ME? MHJ: Why not you? You have caused more damage to Crete's reputation in the last year than anyone, including me. <Stank and Moose sit quietly for a few moments while Stank lets all this sink in.> MHJ: Damn this beer goes right through you. Is the urinal still broke? Stank: The one with the "DON'T EAT THE BIG WHITE MINT" sign above it? MHJ: Yeah that one, and I can't believe they ripped off Roadhouse Stank: Yeah, it's still broke, use the sink MHJ: Fine <Moose walks away toward the Destroyitarium bathrooms, Stank turns in his seat just to watch Moose go just to make sure there are no surprise attacks. After Moose disappears from site, Stank turns back to the bar and looks in the mirror as he takes a swig of his beer. As he lowers the bottle, he see's a masked man swinging a bat at the back of his head, but there is nothing he can do about it. The bat connects with the back of his head and Stank falls off the stool and hits the floor. The last thing Stank sees before he blacks out is a cape being draped over his face.> |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:40:51 GMT -5
<Back from the break, and we see Stank sitting at a table with his head down and arms crossed. His face is hidden from view and an ice pack lays on the back of his head. The Midnight Sons and Outback Jack sit with him.>
OBJ - Mate, the bastard got away.
DHM - Slippery guy, that one.
Spin - Dude, I'm sorry we weren't here.
Stank - ...
OBJ - Look, we want you to know... none of us are responsible for the bounty placed on your head, right gents?
DHM - Right.
Spin - Damn right.
OBJ - You been good to us Stank. Good for us. The Sons and I have worn more gold since we joined up with you than when we weren't together.
Spin - I wouldn't turn on you Stank. And even if I were... it wouldn't be like this.
DHM - You've been a good drinkin partner if nothing else. Why would I go n ruin a thing like that?
Spin - Amen to THAT!
OBJ - Stank? Mate? You ok?
<Stank continues to sit there not saying anything. His cellphone rings and he begins to stir, reaching into his pocket, pulling out his cellphone and reading the name on the display. He's about to push "ignore" on the phone, before he decides to answer it.>
Stank - Alexis, I'm not in the mood. Can we talk later? ... ... I don't give a shit... ... ... So you found him? ... ... he said WHAT? ... ... ... Crete did WHAT?? ... WHY THE FUCK IS CRETE sticking his NOSE into THIS?... ... PUT BLACKDRAGON ON THE PHONE!... ... WHERE IS HE? ... ... CALL ME THE MOMENT HE'S BACK!
<Stank angrily ends the call.>
Stank - Boys your loyalty has never been in doubt.
OBJ - Ok... what was that call about?
Stank - You'll know as soon as I do... but right now... I need to go find me a certain comic book, anime lovin, mother fucker that goes by the name of Concrete Takaken Gryfon. And if I don't like what he has to say... He's going to find out that concrete DOES FUCKING crack!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:41:57 GMT -5
The camera fades into a rocky slope near the peak of Mt. Tyven overlooking the city of Hammerfest, Norway.  It is a clear, sunny morning and we can hear heavy footsteps and deep breathing as the camera pans around to show Tyson Kincaid hiking up the rocks with Mark Vander (for some reason) trudging behind him, panting strongly.MV: Why…*deep intake of breath*…why the hell did you make me come with you? TK: Because it isn’t safe to hike alone in a place like this and because this experience will be good for you. It’ll help you recover from your injury. Just consider it part of the rehabilitation process. Vander stops in his tracks. MV: OK, that's fine. But I mean, why me? TK: Because I always need a plot device and Eric was too busy volunteering at the local soup kitchen, helping the elderly cross the street and avoiding any and all suspendable offenses. The two men near the peak when they spot a group of reindeer grazing atop the mountain, framed by the glow of the golden morning sun. TK: Huh…that’s odd. MV: What? TK: I think I know one of those deer. A figure steps forward, its features still hidden by the brilliance of the sunlight. Just as its identity is about to be revealed, Vander goes into a rage and charges up the hill.TK: Vander, STOP! Leave her alone! Vander reaches the figure and immediately starts trading punches with what we can now see to be another human being. The two bodies wrestle each other to the ground and roll down the hill, landing in a heap at Kincaid’s feet where they continue to scratch and claw at each other.
Kincaid pulls a furious Vander off and pushes him backward. The camera pans down to show an equally enraged Firewoman lying on the ground. She gets up and does the best she can to brush the dirt off of her while Kincaid holds Vander back.MV: What the hell is THAT doing here? FW: Not that it’s any business of yours, but I needed some air. MV: Bullshit! I know what this is about. FW: Oh really? What’s that? Before the situation escalates any further, Kincaid pushes Vander back.TK: Vander, wait over there. *pointing towards a large grouping of rocks some fifteen feet away* If I need you, come running. Vander grudgingly walks away, never taking his eyes off of Firewoman. Kincaid makes sure Vander is far enough away and then speaks.TK: So what are you doing up here? FW: I already told you. I was getting some air. Kincaid looks down at her midsection.TK: I can see why. FW: Don’t get cute with me. For all we know, this could be… TK: Don’t you dare finish that sentence! Listen, it’s taking every bit of energy I have to be civil with you for a change. I could have let Vander tear you apart and leave you at the top of this mountain for the vultures to find, but I didn’t. FW: Am I supposed to be grateful? TK: No, but you should at least realize that I am genuinely concerned. We have our past, but I’m not completely callous when it comes to you. FW: I honestly couldn’t care less how you feel about me. TK: You and I both know that isn’t true. Like it or not, there will always be something between us. After an awkward pause, Kincaid breaks the silence.TK: Look, let’s forget about all this for now. We both have our opponents to worry about. You should be able to appreciate better than anyone that it’s best to put professional business before personal business. Kincaid turns and begins to walk back down the mountain. Suddenly, he pivots and looks back at Firewoman.TK: Fire? FW: What? TK: Be careful, OK? Kincaid turns and continues walking towards an anxious and impatient Mark Vander. The camera pans around to show Firewoman. Her red hair is blowing in the wind and wrapping around her face which carries a look that somehow simultaneously conveys affection, anger and confusion.
Fade.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:43:04 GMT -5
<several hours later back in the OOWF locker room, Eric and Moose are talking with Bennett in the locker room>
LJB: You know, technically that is a violation of the cease fire
EOM: Then suspend me, what does it matter anyway?
LJB: Eric, you are a valuable asset to Team Bennett, we would hate to lose you over something like this
MHJ: Are you SURE that you knew that was Fire?
EOM: Of course I am sure, she is pretty easy to recognize
MHJ: Eric, are you SURE that you knew that was Fire up there
EOM: Dammit Moose I just said.........<just then, a lightbulb appears to click on somewhere in Eric's brain>.......you know, we were up on that mountain, and something about one of those reindeer didn't look right. It charged at Tyson, and I was just doing what any friend would do
LJB: You beat the shit out of a reindeer to save a friend
EOM: I think it was rabid
LJB: It was Firewoman
EOM: Was it really? I had no idea
MHJ: I think that settles that. He was doing what he could to protect a friend from what he thought was a rabid reindeer, turns out it was just Firewoman. Pretty open and shut if you ask me.
LJB: There is no way..........fine, just stay off mountains for a bit Eric, ok?
EOM: Sure thing boss
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:45:13 GMT -5
*in the latest "modified" locker room co-opted by D.H. Magnusson*
DHM: C'mon, ya got at least 10 more in ya...You're gettin' this damned thing tonight.
*A very tired Spin Hansen shrugs and buries 10 lighting fast punches into the stack of tires that DHM is holding in place. Audible cracks can be heard from the punches*
DHM: Alright, time to hydrate.
*SH sits down heavily as DHM flips him a bottle of Hamerskjold Dark Ale*
SH: You know...I'm glad to have your help for tonight, but shouldn't you be getting ready for your own match?
DHM: For what? For Apocawhasisface? Bro, that's over an' done already. Th' poor guy is just bein' tossed in front t'me t'keep me busy. An' t'keep me from gettin' at who I'm lookin' for.
SH: Attitude Adjuster?
DHM: You know it. I'm gonna enjoy feeding that dirtbag his own fingers a knuckle at a time, y'know?
SH: Bro, what the hell is up this this? I know he's got the Onslaught strap, but -
DHM: It ain't about th' strap. It's about the deal he done Fire.
SH: You still on that? What's between you two, anyway?
DHM: Nothin'. It's just way things're done. Some lines ya don't cross. An' if ya cross 'em, ya get dealt with.
SH: Man, Maggs...You know the kind of stuff we get into around here. Firewoman knows it too. She's a tough chick, she can...
DHM: She can bust your nose again?
SH: Shut the HELL up! Seriously though...Why's this got you so worked up? You and her, you two got a -
DHM: C'mon, break's over...Speed drills. Side t'side.
SH: Seriously, man. If there's -
*Hansen doesn't get the chance to finish his sentence as Magnusson snaps his chain at him whip-like*
DHM: Side t'side...let's go.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:45:35 GMT -5
We fade into the backstage area where Tyson Kincaid is standing under an OOWF banner. Sexy Female Journalist #36 stands next to him, microphone in hand.
SFJ: Tyson Kincaid, those of our viewers who were watching OOWF TV earlier today heard a very interesting exchange between yourself and Firewoman. What is the history between the two of you and what is this mysterious condition of hers?
TK: As you know, I was trained in Calgary, Alberta *dramatic pause* Canada by the great Lance Storm. As you may also know, he has another famous student – Firewoman.
What I’m sure you don’t know is that we were both in the same class. We even became friends – close friends, or at least I thought we were close. At the time, she was really the only true friend I had…
Kincaid puts his head down, clearly becoming emotional.
…that’s all I’m going to say for now. On Sunday night, at Judgment Eve III, we’ll all find out the truth.
SFJ: But what about Firewoman’s condition?
TK: I said that’s all for now. Wait until Sunday.
Kincaid brings his right hand up to his eye and wipes downward towards his cheek as he leaves the interview area.
The camera follows him as he walks down the hall. Eric O’Mac is sitting casually on a chair and rises to greet Kincaid as he passes. Tyson quickly regains his composure and lifts his head up to face Eric.
EOM: Hey, man. How was the hike?
TK: It was nice. You should have come.
Fade.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 28, 2008 9:45:56 GMT -5
<Just before the camera fades completely out, we see Mark Vander walk by bags packed, and his head hung in shame. Tyson Kincaid looks over at Vander, but before he can say anything Eric points...>
EOM - HA!
<Camera fades>
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