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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:34:41 GMT -5
(IHOP finally makes their way out of the Blue Oyster)
SYB: Dude where did you learn how to dance like that?
Skurge: My mom made me take dance lesson when I was younger? But promise me we will never talk about this again.
(Just then they meet up with another famous person.)
(Skurge swings and takes him down with one punch.)
Skurge: (Looking at SYB who is trying hard not to laugh.) We will never talk about this again.
(Fade)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:36:38 GMT -5
*FADE IN ON A TRAINING MONTAGE, ALREADY IN PROGRESS* We see The Amnesiac drinking a glass full of what looks like raw eggs. In the next scene, we see The Amnesiac breaking boards. He smashes one with his fist, another with his foot, and then smashes his head into a third. It doesn't break. He rubs his forehead. AMN: Ow. In the next scene, we see The Amnesiac running down the street, behind a fat black guy on a bicycle. He's wearing a pink sweatsuit with the hood pulled up over his head. In the next scene, we see The Amnesiac running up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. He makes it to the top, stops and looks around. AMN: Where's the damn statue? Suddenly, we hear an upswell of music: History repeats itself Try and you succeed Never doubt that you're the one And you can have your dreams You're the best around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you down! You're the best around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you down! You're the best around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you DOWWWWWWWN! During the music, The Amnesiac is wearing a gi, and taking on a sparring partner. It appears to be Michael Winslow. He sweeps the leg, and starts jumping up and down in victory. Michael Winslow: DAMN YOU! (with strange Japanese mouthing of the words) The music changes to 'The Final Countdown' by Europe. During this music, The Amnesiac lifts weights. He leaps to the floor, with the dumbbells in hand, and begins doing pushups on the floor. Eventually, these turn into one-armed pushups. The scene changes again. The Amnesiac is standing there with Fezzik. Fezzik dunks his head into one barrel full of water, then grabs his head and dunks it into another barrel full of water. He repeats the process. During this scene, the music changes one more time: And anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro, You need a montage (montage) Even Rocky had a montage (montage) The scene changes. We see The Amnesiac looking at himself in a mirror. He slaps the side of his face and snarls at the mirror. AMN: I'm ready for this. Let's do it! The scene changes one more time, this time, The Amnesiac is in a lake, rushing towards something at the other end. As the camera pans out, we see Fezzik. The Amnesiac runs toward Fezzik, who lifts him up into the Swan Lake position. Eventually Fezzik gets bored, drops him into the water, and walks away. The Amnesiac starts flailing his arms. AMN: I can't swim! *FADE TO BLACK*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:37:33 GMT -5
(CTG is TYPING~! away at his laptop, having an Instant Message conversation with an old friend)
SolidTG1: I'm glad to hear you're returning to the ring soon Hurridude: It's been a while, I know. I'm hoping to make a bigger impact this time around SolidTG1: Have you chosen your "Attire" this time around? Hurridude: Since I'm goin by "hurricane Helms" I can use it as an ace in the hole. Kinda like DX SolidTG1: Speaking of DX, did you get the picture done that I asked for? Hurridude: It's done. I don't get it, but it's done SolidTG1: send me a copy of it, I need to get it posted Hurridude: Sent SolidTG1: Much appreciated. Hurridude: You should have asked me earlier about those other ones you did. They looked good but you haven't done much of these, have you? SolidTG1: Not one of my strong suits Hurridude: And she attacked you for the two posters you put up? SolidTG1: she did. My throat still has a bruise Hurridude: You should be kicking her ass about now SolidTG1: She breaks the rules and hides behind them. She cited my "three stages of hell match" against Moosehead Jack and claims that broke every rule in the book Hurridude: Not in Ohio - Kentucky, maybe... but it's not your regular match SolidTG1: I realize that Hurridude: I'm just sayin SolidTG1: Trademark that Hurridude: working on it SolidTG1: Then she calls me on the Foley rule- she brings a sledgehammer into the ring... claiming *I* broke a rule? Hurridude: In your own words, "Not exactly.... heroic" SolidTG1: Kayfabe understood Hurridude: Name Dropper SolidTG1: Anyway, your assistance is appreciated. Best of luck on your return Hurridude: l8r
CTG: (continues typing) one of these mysteriously on the web, and a few of these on the wall....
(there's a knock on his locker room door)
CTG: (gets up to answer it)
Lenny Lane: (Dressed in a Kinko's polo) poster order?
CTG: Lenny? I wasn't expecting you here
LL: Anything to pay the bills - my tryout was a bust. (hands over a tube) four of these, right?
CTG: Indeed. (pays Lenny) Best of luck
LL: thanks (leaves)
CTG: (Strides into the hallway with the poster tube, opening it) A Shame, Citizen Fire, that you cannot save your hostilities for the ring.
(CTG stops at a wall in the Hallway of WALKING~! and unscrolls a poster on the wall - a (much better) photoshop of Firewoman hanging all over Triple H)
CTG: (nods) Two disparagings in one poster. And one on the internet. I almost wish I could hear the phone call. (nods and walks off, leaving the Ninja Cameraman to admire the photoshop work)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:38:24 GMT -5
*FADE IN TO IHOP WALKING ON A DESERTED ROAD IN ALABAMA*
Skurge: How did we get here, eh?
SYB: I’m not really sure. I’m not good at plot devices.
<Kayfabe waves at them further up the road>
Skurge: I like Gays and Ministers.
SYB: I know you do, sugarplum.
Skurge: No you fuck, the tag team we’re facing at OOWF MidWeek Mayhem Live! From Springfield Alabama. I like their style, although their spelling leaves a lot to be desired, eh?
<Kayfabe throws a rock at Skurge’s head>
Skurge: OK OK.
SYB: Well that’s great and all but I smell like garbage and gay bikers.
Skurge: Is it Friday already?
SYB: How aboot this? GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Skurge: Can’t you call someone? Where’s your phone?
SYB: We’re in Alabama. They use chickens as currency, for fuck’s sake. What good will a phone do?
Skurge: Maybe we can ask this guy...
<A bearded man dressed in a Nike shirt and a Bubba Gump hat quickly runs by>
Skurge: Hey chief!
<The man runs by without saying a word>
Skurge: What the fuck? Why is he in such a hurry?
SYB: Let's catch up to him.
<IHOP quickly keeps pace with the man who barely acknowledges their presence>
SYB: Sir, why are you running?
Skurge: Are you doing this for world peace?
SYB: Are you doing this for women's rights?
Skurge: Or for the environment?
SYB: Why are you doing this?
Unidentified man: I just felt like run-ning.
<He picks up the pace and leaves IHOP in a cloud of dust>
Skurge: Fuck it. Let’s just keep going. We’ll figure this oot soon enough.
<Insert montage of IHOP’s feet slowly walking on a dirt road for hours before reaching the main highway>
Skurge: What’s with all the cars, eh?
<The camera reveals miles and miles of idling cars with their headlights on>
SYB: It’s called traffic.
Skurge: I know THAT but what’s with this traffic at night?
SYB: Ho. Lee. Shit. I know where we are.
Skurge: Where?
SYB: Wetumpka!
Skurge: How do you know that?
SYB: Because they’re all waiting to play at Watson Hills.
Skurge: What the fuck is that?
SYB: I can’t believe you never heard of this. A while back some yokel decided to bulldoze his backyard and put up a miniature golf course. Totally state of the art. Ramps. Hills. Loops. Everything.
Skurge: So?
SYB: So if we find this mouth breather, maybe he can get us back to Springfield.
Skurge: Why can’t we ask someone who’s stuck in traffic for a lift back?
SYB: Because that would be too easy. Besides, don’t you like the Field of Dreams analogy?
Skurge: Whatever. Just lead the way, Hairless Joo Jackson.
*FADE*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:39:07 GMT -5
[SYB and Skurge are wandering the foothills of rural Wetumpka, Alabama.] Skurge: Wouldn't it have been easier to just steal that car back there? I mean, there was seven of them in the front yard. SYB: None of them would've gotten us to the end of the road, let alone Springfield. Skurge: Yeah, but still...
TarheelMike: You guys need a lift?
SYB: Yeah, sure.
THM: How far you goin?
Skurge: How far you goin?
THM: Going back to Watson Hills. [cue piano]
SYB: Well, if it's okay with you we'll just ride along a while.
[IHOP jumps in the back of the truck and they take off]
SYB: He look familiar to you?
Skurge: Yeah, he does.
[aboot 10 minutes later, the truck pulls into a gravel driveway]
THM: Y'all want a drink or something?
SYB: No. I gotta see this golf course.
Savannah: DADDY!!!
THM: Hey bebby!
Sav: Who's that?
SYB: Hey Savannah, I'm your un... I'm SYB.
Skurge: I'm Skurge.
Sav: Those are funny names. Hey Daddy, when are we gonna make another Willie video?
[Steam begins to emit from SYB's ears.]
THM: Next year. Go back inside, I'll be in later, ok?
Sav: Okay. Tournament's been great so far.
THM: Good.
[Savannah takes off]
THM: Come on... [THM leads IHOP down the hill and to the mini golf course]
SYB: I thought she said there was a tournament.
THM: Well, the course isn't finished yet, so they can't really post a full round.
Skurge: What they?
THM: They they.
SYB: Look man, I don't think it's very nice making other people feel stupid.
THM: Well, stupid is as stupid does.
Skurge: [grabs THM by the shirt collar] Hey! Look here, Johnny Adrenaline, enough with the smartass bullshit.
THM: Who?
SYB: We know who you are. Why you hiding out this far? Bookie looking for ya or something?
THM: Johnny who?
Skurge: Adrenaline. Johnny Adrenaline. Stop playing now. You and Capps are setting us up, aren't ya?
THM: Figures I pick the nutjobs off the street. I seem to be good at that.
SYB: Nutjobs?
THM: You come to my house, question who I am. Not my fault you can't see Ben Hogan and Byron Nelson sinking 12 foot putts thru the tire over there.
Skurge: You're lucky we don't leave you layin like Moose and Williams did last week.
THM: Huh?
SYB: Wait... he doesn't have any bandages on. There's no scar there. Adrenaline was bleeding everywhere last week.
Skrge: You're right... [lets go of THM] ...sorry dude.
Sav: [from the top of the hill] Hey! Back to the Future's on!
SYB: Back to the Future?? HELL YES!
Skurge: Last one up the hill's a rotten egg.
[IHOP and THM take off up the hill as we fade out]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:39:36 GMT -5
AA walks in from a round of golf at Watson Hills wwith playing partners Ben Hogan and Byron Nelson. He stops in his tracks as he sees Tarheel Mike watching Back to the Future with IHOP.
AA: Umm, Mike, can I have a word with you?
THM: Sure, what's up AA?
AA: Why are you, THM, real person, hanging out with Skurge and SYB, fantasy wrestling characters?
THM: Well, what are you, AA, either wrestling character or real person, doing in Wetumka, Alabama on a fantasy golf course?
AA: Are we facing them this week?
THM: Who? IHOP or Solly and, umm, that other guy?
AA: ... My head hurts. I'm not even sure I can write a promo about this. I tried, but this is as far as I got.
THM: Which one, you or you?
AA: Me.
THM: real me or fake me?
AA: Real me.
THM: That sucks.
AA: Tell me about it. Besides, it's almost time to leave work. I guess I'll just leave this promo like this, push the "Post Reply" butt...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:40:06 GMT -5
The Demko watches as AA hits the 'Post Reply' button, making him look like a fool.
The Demko: HA.
Kayfabe, a completely fictional character, somehow spears The Demko out of his shoes. Her power has grown exponentially in the real world.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:40:43 GMT -5
*After Kayfabe takes care of TheDemko, Eric O'Mac walks up to Kayfabe and hands her a $20.*
EOM: That'll teach him to steal my fucking catchphrase.
*Eric walks off.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:41:36 GMT -5
[Continued at the Watson house... and SYB and Skurge turn around to see THM talking to AA by the back door.]
Skurge: I KNEW it was a fucking setup!
SYB: What kinda shit you pullin here, man?
AA: [reaching into the candy dish] What are you guys doing here?
Skurge: Something called none of your damn business.
SYB: Yeah, Capps... why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?
THM: [slaps SYB on the back of the head] It's LEAVE! Make like a tree and LEAVE! You sound like a damn fool when you say it wrong!
SYB: Fine then, LEAVE!
AA: I shoulda played another round with Ben and Byron.
Skurge: Who?
AA: [to Johnny] You mean they...?
THM: No, they can't see them either.
SYB: We don't give a damn. This is a setup, ain't it, Johnny?
THM: I'm not Johnny Adrenaline right now. I'm not in character. I'm at home. I was watching a movie and playing with my daughter.
Skurge: Looks like HE'S in character.
AA: Dude, I LIVE my character.
SYB: So whatcha gonna do? You gonna kick our asses right here?
Skurge: You gonna cut a promo on us?
AA: Whatcha think, Johnny?
THM: .....
Skurge: You gonna kick our ass here? Or at Mayhem?
SYB: You gonna cut a promo here? Or at Mayhem?
AA: Are we gonna eat here? Or at Mayhem?
THM: ....
Savannah: [slowly steps out of the hallway] Daddy, people will come to Mayhem, Daddy. They'll come to Alabama for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll go to Springfield not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at the arena as innocent as children, longing for the past . Of course, we won't mind if you look around, we'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and promos they lack. And they'll walk out to the seats; sit in their ugly wrestling shirt sleeves on a drunk evening. They'll find they have ringside seats somewhere along one of the aisles, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the match and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come, Daddy. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been the OOWF. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But the OOWF has marked the time. That ring, that sport: it's a part of our past, Daddy. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Daddy. People will most definitely come. [Sav walks away]
SYB: [jaw dropped]
Skurge: [jaw dropped]
AA: [Jaw dropped - and candy corn falls out]
THM: ...at Mayhem.
SYB: Um....
Skurge: Er....
AA: So, uh... what now?
THM: Well, I got my Johnny gear in the closet. We could use invisible ninja cameraman here and you two can leech our heat and we can cut one big ass promo on Drink & Destroy and Gods & Monsters...?
Skurge: I've heard worse ideas.
SYB: Can we finish watching the movie first?
AA: Got popcorn?
[TCH and IHOP go back into the living room and finish watching Back to the Future.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:42:15 GMT -5
*Somewhere definitely NOT in Alabama*
The camera fades in on what looks like a world-class gymnasium and recreation center as numerous limousines and high-end cars get valet parked. A McLaren F1 speeds up to the entrance and Alexander Darling steps out of the driver’s side before walking around to the passenger door and letting his sister, Alexis out. Flying up to the gym and almost hitting the exiting Darlings is a brand new Corvette. The doors open to the ‘Vette and the MURDER City Machine Guns of Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin step out from the car. Alexis Darling walks up to Shelley and pushes him,
Alexis: You almost killed us, you dumb bastard.
Shelley: Oh calm down lil Lexie. I’m from Detroit.
Alex and Chris both point at their hands and Alexis just shakes her head.
Alexander: Well, I’m glad you guys could make it. I haven’t had one of these matches for a while and I could use a refresher on my mat work.
Sabin: Well you called the right people. Can’t no one tell you about what it takes to take it to the next level like A.S. and I. We’ll get you ready for McMuffinhead, but what makes you so sure you can keep it in the ring.
Shelley: Yea, no offense Darling, but you’ve got a rep now of…well I don’t wanna say garbage wrestling, but…
Alexander gets right into Shelley’s face…
Alexander: I ain’t a fucking garbage wrestler. Don’t ever call me that again, you got it Shell?
Alexander storms off into the gym leaving The Guns and Alexis standing outside.
Shelley: What the fuck is his problem?
Alexis: Exactly what you just said. He’s getting a reputation and he doesn’t like it. He knows he can bring it in the ring on the level of the best in the business, but he keeps getting caught in these violent matches and there are times when I think he prefers that. But right now, he’s tired of it. He wants more.
Sabin: Well then let’s go show him what we can do and how he can use that against McNugget.
Alexis: Clever Chris.
Shelley: I’d have gone with McLeggo my Eggo.
Alexis just shakes her head as two fitness models come up and grab The MCMG’s bags before leading them into the gym.
*****TIME WARP*****
It is a few hours later and the camera cuts to a view of the ring where The MCMG’s are putting together an exhibition in the ring against Alexander Darling. Alexander looks exhausted as the Guns continue to run their offense. Darling is trying to fight back and finally gains some offense when he tosses Sabin to the outside and catches Shelley coming in with a Gordbuster. Alexis helps out by having a conversation with Sabin on the outside and this lets Alexander start working over Shelley on the inside. SHOCKWAVE is quickly followed up with a URA-NAGE BACKBREAKER right into the DARLING DRIVER and Shelley is out.
Alexis finally stops talking to Sabin and he notices the after-effects of Darling’s sudden offensive outburst and slides into the ring. Sabin and Darling exchange blows, but AD is quick to change it up and he starts striking CS low with kicks and knees to the thighs of Sabin. Sabin drops down to one knee and SHINING WIZARD puts Sabin down to the mat. The CURBSTOMP is quickly followed up by the DARLING MONEY CLIP and Sabin has no choice but to tap out after a few moments.
Alexander falls back onto the mat and stares up for a while and we can see he is utterly exhausted when Shelley and Sabin reach down and help him to his feet. They hand him a bottle of water and hold up a microphone.
Alexander: Couldn’t find anyone more suited to my tastes sister Darling?
Alexis yells from the outside, Still finalizing some details, besides Shelley is prettier than most SFJ’s.
Shelley: You’re always a comedian Lexie. Can we get this over with?
Alexis: Anything you want NOT Crystal…
Sabin: We miss Crystal…
Alexander: Anytime today guys…I’m kinda fucking tired and I still have to finalize plans for Game 1 at the Tropicana. Tampa Bay Rays, ALCS Champions…get your memorabilia right at DEAEnterprises.com
Alexis: Nice plug.
Alexander: Thanks.
Shelley: Right, well big match this week…
Alexander: Was that a question? Wow, you suck at this.
Sabin: Let me try…Alex, this is your first chance at gold since losing the Intercontinental title almost 30 days ago. What do you think of Seamus McNasty and the Onslaught title in general?
Everyone turns to look at Sabin like they have no clue where that question came from.
Alexander: That’s a great question Chris. With the events of the last month, I’m not surprised it took me this long to get another opportunity at carrying some gold. The people who control things here in the OOWF are scared of just how powerful Run DEA could be. But they can only hold me back for so long. Sooner or later this chance would come and I plan on taking advantage of it.
Shelley: Okay, I got one. You’ve worked alongside Seamus McNasty in the past…
Sabin: What my esteemed partner is trying to allude to is that there has been a working agreement in the past between Seamus and DEA, should we expect some of that to be exhibited?
Alexander: No. This isn’t about the past. This is about the present and the future.[/color]
Sabin: What exactly do you mean by that?
Alexander: Since I’ve gotten here, I’ve been a 3 time Intercontinental Champion but even then I was never able to show the world just what I can be capable of when I’m at the top of my game. I’ve shown that I can swing a chair or a light tube or a signed sledgehammer…but it’s time I show what else I can do. And I know that the Onslaught Division is the best place to do that.
Shelley: Why the Onslaught and not something higher-up?
Alexander: Because go fuck yourself Shelley, that’s why. Seriously, why not the Onslaught? I’m not one to hold history to any high regard, but I do hold my allies in Run DEA to high regard. Firewoman, the last person worthy of holding that belt before she got robbed. And Davin Moreland, the longest and best Onslaught Champion in the history of the division. I’d just be putting my name alongside those great names.
Sabin: Aren’t you worried about Seamus making the match another brawl?
Alexander: He can try, but it would be a huge mistake on his part. I may want to show a more classic wrestling style and it might be what I hope to accomplish, but it doesn’t change the fact that I can brawl with ANYONE in this company. I’ve done it with Poe; I’ve done it with Moose; I’ve done it with anyone who’s tried. This week we try something new. Let’s hope Seamus can keep up.
Shelley: Do you think he can?
Alexander: Nope, not a chance and do you wanna know why?
Sabin: I bet you’re going to tell us…
Alexander: Damn right I am. This week at Mayhem, I walk in a challenger and walk out a champion because I am Run DEA. We are the best in the world at what we do.
Just Try and Fucking Stop Us…
BOOYAH, Bitch!
*Slow Fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:42:52 GMT -5
In a room lit by a few candles reflecting off of golden sheets, giving the room a golden glow, Poe sits in the center of the room, in a Lotus position. Selena sits on his lap, a hood covering her head. She appears to be inhaling hookah as Poe seems in a trance, unmoving. Tytan is in the background doing pull ups on a pull up bar.
Poe: “Thy soul shall find itself alone ‘Mid dark thoughts of the gray tombstone – Not one, of all the crowd, to pry Into thine hour of secrecy.
Be silent in that solitude Which is not loneliness for then The spirits of the dead who stood In life before thee are again In death around thee, and their will Shall overshadow thee: be still.
The night, tho’ clear, shall frown, And the stars shall not look down From their high thrones in the Heaven With the light like Hope to mortals given; But their red orbs, without beam, To thy weariness shall seem
As a burning and a fever Which would cling to thee forever. Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish – Now are visions ne’er to vanish; From they spirit shall they pass No more – like dew-drops from the grass.
The breeze – the breath of God – is still, And the mist upon the hill Shadowy – shadowy – yet unbroken, Is a symbol and a token, - How it hangs upon the trees, A mystery of mysteries!”
Poe is silent. Selena exhales some hookah smoke from beneath the hood concealing her face.
Poe: Mysteries…I have a mystery. How are IHOP before us in the final four? These…clowns that stand before us and our ultimate glory? Send in the clowns. Those rotten, stinking clowns. And when the Gods and Monsters pass before them, they will lie down, not in green pastures, but in masses of broken bones and wills. For you see, your lord is your Shepard, but you will indeed want for I, the Pharaoh of Sin have come across your wretched carcasses and I will dispose of you once and for all. You will walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death and you will fear no evil…you will fear me. I am your judge, your jury, and your executioner. You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have most definitely been found wanting. The games are over IHOP. We have been attacked by your walking undead Giant. We have sent you to a gay bar for a few laughs, but the laughs end here. Under the eyes of Isis and Pele, we will banish you from our paths to glory. And then, next week, before the spirits of Halloween, Sam Hein, and all of the saints that are celebrated on All Hallows, we, Gods and Monsters will stand victorious before all.
Poe reaches under Selena’s hood, pulling it down, placing his hand under her chin and lifting her face towards his. She blows hookah smoke in his face as he inhales. Poe then exhales the hookah smoke as well.
Poe: Namesdeh.
SG: Nevermore.
Poem lyrics take from Edgar Allen Poe’s “Spirits of the Dead”
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:43:34 GMT -5
Firewoman is TALKING~! on her phone, as Lucky is getting her stuff together to head to the gym.
FW: Why should you believe me? .... Because it was clearly photoshopped, that's why.... At least I didn't say "Go fuck yourself, that's why."....No I have NOT been spending too much time with him, he's my partner...get over it....
There's a pause while a slightly Canadian sounding tirade is happening, barely audible on the other end of the ... line? If they are on cell phones, are there really any 'lines' of which to be on the other end?...
FW: Two things. First, per our agreement, you have no say on who I choose to... uh ... spend 'time' with, even if it is 'the enemy,' especially when he's totally hot. Second, hot or not, his 'boss' doesn't let him out long enough to pose for any pictures, scandalous or not.... No, I haven't tried... Third, duh, obvious photoshop!! You saw the promo where Crete doctored the pictures, helloooooo?.......................Fine, apology accepted.................................No, we'll make up later, Lucky's here now........because I doubt he wants to hear that.
Lucky, who has been pretending to not pay attention, looks over at this point, as if to say he wouldn't mind, but Firewoman hangs up.
L: So, what is it today?
FW: Um, Tuesday? I dunno....punching bag sounds good, I can imagine Hero-boy's face on it.
L: Shouldn't you cut a promo on him for his recent and decidedly not heroic actions? Don't want to be accused of no-selling.
FW: Yeah, probably.
Lucky unfurls the portable OOWF Promo-Cutting Backdrop
FW: Where did that come from?
L: Dunno. It just kind of hovers around mid-air until needed.
FW: Um...okay.
Look here, Captain Caveman. Apparently, the hypocrisy that my very special friend in the promotion up north spoke of at RAW last night is alive and well here. I refer to your conversation with another Caped Crusader from earlier this week, where you spoke of my rule breaking, as if that somehow justifies yours. Well, here's a newsflash for you, General Disarray. I know when I cheat. I plan on it. I admit it. My goal in this business? TO WIN!
What I don't do? I don't wrap myself up in a cape and a mask and stand up for truth, justice, and the American way on one day, and then when opportunity strikes, or when it suits my purposes, step over to the shady side of things, then cry and whine "But she STARTED IT" when I'm called on it. That doesn't sound very heroic, now does it?
I AM the shady side, Cape-boy.
Enough. I'll save it for when we get in the ring Wednesday night. And when we do, keep your eyes open, Commander Cody. If I see an advantage, I'm going to take it. If the ref turns his attention away for just a moment, I'll see it. Hopefully, you'll see it coming, because the squash match I anticipate would be so boring, and would totally not sparkle with me, or these stupid fans. Although beating your sorry ass into a pulp for all the trouble you've caused me since I've been here most certainly would.
Of course, I could be lying. I may not wait until Wednesday night, Spiff. Never know with me.
L: Nice.
FW: Thanks. You know, forget the punching bag, I think I'll just hit Phantos's trampoline.
L: Why?
FW: [shrugs] He says it sparkles for him.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:44:17 GMT -5
(CTG is working out in his abandoned gym, which still has a monitor linked to OOWF-TV. He sees Fire's promo and is surprisingly not offended)
CTG: As the villain spins the truth to suit her needs. Just like Moosehead Jack, though perhaps a tad wittier.
(SFJ #52 walks in)
SFJ #52: Gryfon, you don't seem all that concerned with her threats.
CTG: I'm concerned for those, as she has announced that she IS going to cheat in our match.
SFJ#52: she still thinks YOU cheated, hitting her with a sledgehammer
CTG: Dear Citizen, do you feel that following the Foley rule is "Cheating"? (gets up from the weight bench) Allow me.
(CTG takes out a booklet from his duffel bag and opens it to a particular page)
CTG: This rule was established as the "Mick Foley Rule" some years ago. It clearly states that if you are to bring a foreign object into the ring, then you are the first to be struck with it. This law applies to face and heel alike.
(Kayfabe walks through the background, but decides not to interrupt)
CTG: some in OOWF even call this the "Firewoman Rule" so who am I to argue about a rule SHE is taking credit? If I did not hit her with the weapon, then am I breaking a rule?
SFJ#52: if this opportunity happens this week, will you "Follow that rule"?
CTG: It is a rule, and I will follow it. Fire makes the mistake of alternately following/not following rules and claiming to be random in this regard. Villains follow the rules that only suit them, and claim that heroes break a rule even when we follow them.
(CTG then turns to the cameraman)
CTG: Be advised, Citizen Fire - I have no trouble with the rules you choose to follow or enforce at intervals to suit your various needs. But please, if you must admonish, wait until I break a rule in a match against you before you speak. Perhaps this reminder of the Foley/Fire rule will keep you from illegally bringing weapons into the ring in the first place?
SFJ#52: I don't think that will stop her.
CTG: (to the SFJ) Probably not. (to the camera) oh, and Fire - Spaceman Spiff was an astronaut. I understand if you can't call me Stupendous Man to my face.
SFJ#52: Geek
CTG: Knowing my "Calvin and Hobbes" does not make me a geek. Thankful that she didn't refer to "Captain Sprocket" would make me a geek.
SFJ#52: (knowing look to the camera)
CTG: Dammit.... (walks out of the shot)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:45:06 GMT -5
[Old school promo]
FFC - There are far too few compelling storylines in professional wrestling today. Too often competitors are thrown together in a match... just because. That's just part of the business sure, but lately... well it's becoming the norm.
Stank - You see there are two parts to professional wrestling... there's the match including all the physicality, the violence, the skill, the meat if you will. And then there is the the story... the heart, the soul, the seasoning.
FFC - Now one CAN and DOES exist without the other, but the very best of professional wrestling has both.
Stank - You have the match...
Stank - And you have the story...
FFC - That one still hurts... which brings us to this weeks Midweek Mayhem, LIVE! from Springfield, Tennessee.
Stank - Drink & Destroy versus... The Chicken... Shit... Heels. Four men who BUILT the best tag team division in wrestling... going at it one more time.
FFC - Four men who brought the BEST tag team wrestling ever saw before... or since. And not to put too fine a point on it, begging the current OOWF tag team champion's pardon... but the real measuring stick in tag wrestling is D&D vs TCH.
Stank - So Johnny and Alan get ready for another fight... because less than won't do.
FFC - And to IHOP and Gods and Monsters... know this... whoever comes out of this match the winner... will be the ones to take the whole damn Invitational.
You better watch your ass, buddy.
<fade>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:45:55 GMT -5
[TCH and IHOP finish watching Back to the Future, flip off the DVD player just in time to catch the end of Drink & Destroy's promo.]
Skurge: Was he talking to us?
JA: He's talking to us.
SYB: Was he talking to us?
AA: That's all those chumps are... talk. I've never seen a couple of guys talk more and do less than those clowns.
Skurge: Except you two.
JA: Ya see, Skurge... that's why you won't sniff the tag team titles again. Because you got a big mouth.
Skurge: Well why don't come over here and close it, Adrenaline?
AA: I don't care what you're ranked. You're never getting a title shot, and I mean it!
SYB: [to invisible ninja cameraman] I'm glad you people are seeing this here....
JA: Look, are we gonna cut a promo or not? I thought you guys were gonna get some heat by doing a promo with the best in the business.
AA: Well, I did too until comrade bigmouth over here started gettin all uppity.
Skurge: In all fairness, we shouldn't even promo with you guys... because you are hasBEENS.
AA: You get you two heavy bags with eyes in the ring, and we'll show you the meaning of pain!
[Just as IHOP and TCH begin to get in each other's faces, Savannah pops out from the hallway again and steps out the front door.]
Savannah: Oh my god...
JA: What? What is it?
Savannah: It's my mother.
JA: Ah shit....
Savannah: [turns back around] I's just playin.
[fade out]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:46:35 GMT -5
<Stank and FF Capslock catch the end to Attitude Adjuster's Promo.>
Stank - ...
FFC - ...
Stank - ... Master Promoer my ass!
FFC - Promoer? ... Is that a word?
Stank - I questioned it too until I saw it listed in the master book of promination vol 3.
FFC - There's a volume 1 & 2?
Stank - Yep. In the box-o-promos.
FFC - Wait! You got the box-o-promos?
Stank - I used to. Kept in the wine cellar.
FFC - Wait! We drink WINE?
Stank - Don't you remember Spin mentioning a little over a year ago that his dream was to own his own vineyard someday?
FFC - Wait! I thought that was a beet farm?
Spin - It was AVOCADOS, idiots!
Stank - Then why do we have a wine cellar?
FFC - And how does it travel with us?
Spin - DH and I stole the mobile fortress of snobbery and converted it into the mobile Destroyitarium.
FFC - Oh... yeah.
Stank - Does that mean Ryan Hardcore owns this place?
FFC - You just HAD to bring HIM up, didn't you.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:47:10 GMT -5
AA and Johnny are watching the end of the Drink & Destroy promo.
AA: Johnny, do something!
JA: Me?!?! What about you?
AA: I think I have amnesia or something. I can't promotificate right now.
JA: Promotificate?
AA: Yeah, it's right here in the Master Book of Promination, Volume 4. Now available at all Mervyn's, Circuit Citys and Linen's & Things.
JA: You realize all three of those are either out of business or about to be out of business.
AA: No wonder it's not selling that well. Have to talk to my publisher about that.
JA: And talk about not selling well, Drink & Destroy, come Wednesday at Midweek Mayhem in...in...(psst, AA, where are we this week?)
AA: (psst, somewhere in Tennessee, I think. At least it's not Canada.)
JA: (psst, that didn't help at all.) ...Drink & Destroy, you will sell to us once again, just like you always do. And we'll sell to you. And you'll sell to us some more. And in the end, it doesn't matter who's hand is raised in victory, because we'll know that we've given the fans yet another Chickenshit Heels/Drink & Destroy 5-Star Match of the Year, because we're all...THAT...DAMN...GOOD.
AA: Umm, Johnny? I'm kinda hoping we win that match.
JA: You've never cared about winning before. Why now?
AA: The winner's paycheck is better.
JA: Did you lose at college football again last weekend?
AA: Who would have thought Texas would win twice in a row against those teams?
JA: Yeah, but I was going for the mutual respect thing, and then maybe we could end up teaming with D&D against DEA and finally get to run those masked Mr. Rogers out of the OOWF forever. Plus, you get another shot at Firewoman!
AA: Even if it means turning face?
JA: Even if it means turning face.
RS: DAMN!
AA & JA: Ron! You're back!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:47:44 GMT -5
<FFC and Stank just finish watching AA's promo.>
FFC - Ron's back.
Stank - It would appear so.
FFC - I guess the Boogeyman is next.
Stank - He did show up on Raw recently.
FFC - Fred the monkey can't be far behind.
Stank - And Abby..
FFC - And Jesus...
Stank - ...
FFC - Alan sure is a schizo.
Stank - Yeah, first he says we're all talk, then he goes for mutual respect.
FFC - To be fair that TarheelMike fellow did write those words into Alan's mouth.
Stank - Aw crap, LOCK!
<Kayfabe busts into the Destroyitarium and makes a beeline toward FF Capslock.>
FFC - You know Kayfabe over the last year or so has gotten REAL cranky!
<Kayfabe stops short.>
KF - Did you... did you just call me... cranky?
FFC - Yeah.
KF - I can't BELIEVE you.
FFC - Believe it babe. I said it.
KF - I'm NOT cranky!
FFC - Then how else do you explai-
KF - HAVE you even READ volume 4 of the book of promonation?
FFC - Honey, I didn't even know of volumes 1 through 3, before today.
KF - THAT'S why you need Spot to write for you!
FFC - Did you just break... yourself?
KF - Yes... ow by the way.
FFC - ...
Stank - ...
KF - ... I'm just gonna... stand over here to recover.
FFC - ... Anyhoo... Johnny sucks.
Stank - He just still holds a grudge over you starting that whole shut the fuck up thing with him.
FFC - Cute kid, though.
Stank - Johnny has a child?
FFC - Yeah... Savannah. Haven't you been paying attention?
Stank - I have and I'm pretty sure the child belongs to that TarheelMike character you mentioned before... not Joh-
KF - OW!
Stank - Wait a sec. That doesn't break you. TM wrote himself into the promo and according to page 27 of volume 4 of the master of promonating, I as a non-real entity can mention any real entity that writes themselves into their own pro-
KF - OW! OW!
Stank - Oh.. right I guess by referring to myself as a non-
KF - SHUT THE FUCK UP, STANK!
Stank - ... that is NOT catching on!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:48:18 GMT -5
*FADE IN*
<The words "FLASHBACK TO THE MOM JOKE" appear on screen as we see Sav come running back in wearing a NY Giants hat>
Sav: Am I Willie?
<Everyone laughs except for SYB who is growing more and more irritated>
JA: OK Princess, time to go to sleep.
AA: But I just got here.
JA: Not you Dad <catches himself>… dad dad daddio.
Sav: Good night wrestling guys!
Everyone: GOOD NIGHT SAV!
<Sav runs over to JA and gives him a hug>
Sav <looking at SYB and whispering>: He looks like a pelican.
JA: Go to sleep, Savannah Banana.
<Sav runs off, leaving SYB, Skurge, JA, and AA, who is on the phone with his bookie>
AA: No, I said a dime on the Rays. Right. <He hangs up> So where were we?
JA: We were going to show these boys how to deliver an old school promo.
AA: No problem.
Skurge: So show us something, Eh Eh.
AA: That’s AA, buddy.
Skurge: That’s what I said.
AA: Before I say anything about our strategy to beat Drink & Destroy, which will in no way hurt us at Mayhem, I want to share with you some long-winded and pointless stories.
<SYB rubs his eyes while Skurge checks his watch>
AA: I was fighting The Pegasus Kid in Japan once and I told him, “Kid there are two things you always have to remember. Feed your dogs and always leave the sliding door open.”
<Skurge gives Solly the universal “let’s get the fuck out of here” sign>
Skurge <under his breath> Oot.
AA: What?
Skurge: Nothing. Keep going. Tell us aboot you and the Great Muta a-gain.
AA: Oh yeah. Muta. Big bleeder, the Muta. So anyway…
<A generic clock appears on screen with the big hand spinning out of control as AA continues with his stories>
AA: And I said Sheik, fuck you and your family! Have a good day!
<The four men laugh>
Skurge: But what aboot the promo against Gaps and Macaroons?
JA: Just throw a couple of “fucks” in there to let them know you mean business.
SYB: You really think we should swear?
JA: Yes Solly, goddamn it swear.
SYB: You make it sound so easy. I wish I had your confidence.
JA: Just remember Solly and Skurge, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
Skurge: Got it. Let’s go.
<SYB goes over to embrace AA and appears to take something out of his jacket pocket>
SYB: Thanks Alan, you have no idea how much this means to us.
AA: Always happy to help out the good guys.
<IHOP heads out the door and we hear tires screeching off-screen>
AA: See how eager they are to get to the arena?
JA: Uh Alan? They just stole your car.
AA: SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHNNY!
*FADE*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:48:56 GMT -5
A sexy female journalist approaches The Amnesiac, who is exiting the Destoryitarium. The Amnesiac immediately grabs the mic from the SFJ and begins talking.
AMN: I know what you're here to talk to me about. You're coming to tell me how much you admire me, and how I've been an inspiration to your children in recent times. And I really cannot disagree with you! I've stood tall, and I'm ready to take advantage of the opportunity I've been given this week. Raven Moreland has been strangely silent this week. I think it's because he's been kidnapped by aliens, but he'll probably say something like how I'm not important enough an opponent for him to be concerned with me. But it's aliens, I tell you. ALIENS!
The SFJ just looks confused as The Amnesiac hands the mic back to her.
SFJ: Actually The Amnesiac, that wasn't what I was going to say at all. What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point during your rambling, incoherent promo were you even close to anything that could be remotely considered a rational thought. Everyone watching this broadcast is now dumber for having listened to you. May God have mercy on your soul.
AMN: Wow, a simple followup question would've done just fine.
SFJ: No, The Amnesiac. I'm here to ask you about your current relationship with the team of SYB and Skurge, IHOP. It seems that you have been running with them for a few weeks now. What is it that brought you to them?
AMN: Well... this, actually.
He points to the belt around his waist with a chimpanzee on a tricycle printed on it.
AMN: The Chimpanzees de Trikes. We won these championships a while ago, and ever since then, I've felt a kindred spirit with Skurge the Canadian Menace, and SYB the Extravagant Joo.
SFJ: And what of Dorothy Mantooth and-
AMN: Hey, that's the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth. Don't you badmouth her! Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
SFJ: So I've heard. And Fezzik?
AMN: Well, Fezzik... he was friendless, brainless, helpless... hopeless. We found him unemployed in Greenland, so we hired him on. I mean, how much better can you do for hired muscle than The Brute Squad? Wait... why are you smiling?
SFJ: Because I know something that you don't know.
AMN: What is that?
The SFJ switches the microphone to her right hand.
SFJ: I am not left-handed.
The Amnesiac just stands there and blinks.
SFJ: Anyhow, back to your match tonight. You'll be taking on the World Champion, Davin Moreland-
AMN: That's GAVIN Moreland.
SFJ: Actually, no... his name is Davin. It's on the marquee outside.
AMN: Holy shit, I'm on the marquee?!
SFJ: Anyways... what sort of strategy do you have in mind for your match tonight? It's a no-DQ, falls-count-anywhere match against the World Champion. It seems to me that you'd be at a disadvantage, especially with your recent comments to IHOP about doing this alone.
AMN: You might think that. But the Lord works in mysterious ways.
With that, The Amnesiac turns to walk away.
SFJ: Well, I guess that's all we're gonna get out of Amnesiac-
AMN (over his shoulder, as he walks away): THE Amnesiac!
SFJ: The Amnesiac. Back to you, Chuck.
*FADE TO BLACK*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:49:45 GMT -5
FW: -- so see, Lucky, what he meant was another shot in the RING at me. The pictures of me and Attitude Adjuster were photoshopped.
L: Ah, I see. But much better than any of Crete's recent creations.
FW: Well, duh.
The two have been watching the DVR of OOWF-TV. Lucky is playing on the computer, Firewoman is eating some damn fine chili.
L: So...TarheelMike is not--
FW: Nope.
L: Okay.....what's this Firewoman rule Crete is talking about?
FW: No clue. I'm a heel, we don't pay much attention to rules.
L: Right. Well, just the one.
FW: Huh?
L: Heel Rule: Heels don't follow rules.
FW: Ah yeah...right.
Lucky types away on his computer.
L: Ah, here it is! "Firewoman's Rule: Any wrestler that sets up a table is 80% likely to be the one that goes through said table."
FW: What? I never said that.
L: No, you didn't. Some chick named Firewoman on some message board did.
FW: She stole my name?
L: Maybe she's a fan.
FW: Well, whatever, that rule refers to tables, not other implements. And I didn't say it so there's two counts on where Cape Canaveral is wrong.
L: Besides, I don't know how you can come up with a number like 80% just out of the air. You would to watch a representative amount of matches that involved tables, and the calculate the percentage from that. Plus, would it matter if it was a TLC match? Tag Team? There's all sorts of variables that --
FW: Okay, you're giving me a headache. Please stop now.
L: AND besides, what's with his obsession with your rule breaking? Only rule you have to follow is Heel Rule #1, which you are!
FW: I know. It's classic face behavior. Point out the heel's rule-breaking, as if the heel didn't know this already, and as if the heel gives a big rat's ass, because DUH! HEEL! The whole point is to throw attention away from all the rules the face holds near and dear that the face HIMSELF broke. And it's easier than promoing about, say, your opponent's skill, especially if said skill is WAY better than yours.
L: Sounds kinda lackadaisical....
FW: Yeah well, why put forth effort. Especially when all he would do is draw attention to how much better I am, if he focused on anything else. May as well phone it in.
L: Couldn't you make the argument that Crete was caught in a situation? A catch-.22? I mean there's the "Foley Rule," which said he had to use the sledgehammer against you--
FW: Except I didn't bring it with me, thus invalidating--
L: Right, right, but bear with me. So we have this somewhat altered "Foley Rule" but then that competes with the face rule of not using weapons in a no-weapons match, so then the face is kind of in an ethical bind, right?
FW: Sure, but then you have to think of the meta-ethics involved.
L: The what?
FW: All ethical systems have some inherent conflicting virtues in them, areas where two rules, as we are calling them come into conflict with each other. So you have to look to what is the overarching theme on the ethical system.
L: The...meta-ethic?
FW: Right. In such a situation, to be a truly ethical Face, the Face should go to whatever the meta-ethic of faciness is and follow that.
L: Wow....I had no idea-- so what is the meta-ethic of Faciness?
FW: Well, the history says--
DM: Oh my god, shut up.
Suddenly, Firewoman and Lucky notice Davin has been standing in the doorway for a while now.
L: Davin, this is fascinating. Did you know--
DM: It's not fascinating. This is wrestling not philosophy class. Phantos says it's time for the pre-show team meeting.
Firewoman and Lucky get up and follow Davin out the door. Firewoman turns back towards the camera.
FW: Enough pontificating about rules, Crete. Just show up.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:50:20 GMT -5
(Spin Hansen has decided to make sure that all four members of Drink and Destroy engage in an old-school promo. His face is painted black and white in the style of Empty Team.)
SH: People have wondered why I am going against form and leaving those who have upset me alone. Why I asked Outback Jack to show me the ways of Empty Team when I already have a mentor. Why I need training when I am already a champion.
The simple answer is that I lacked focus. I let all of the delusions of respect get to my head when the only thing that really matters is reciprocity. For every slight that I have taken... every cheap shot, every attack... I will return it in kind. For everything that has been done to my friends? The retaliation will be tenfold.
The old me only knew how to inflict pain. Now I revel in receiving it, for I know that I will be giving it back to someone who is not going to enjoy it nearly as much as I will giving it.
The old me would lash out at the wrong times. Now, I save my focus for the fight in the ring.
The old me would light fires. Now, I burn.
Spin Hansen was the old me. The newest follower of the Empty Way is Voldsohmet.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:51:14 GMT -5
(Fade in on Damon Wrath in a gym….Kicking a heavy bag)
I am strong……..
(Fades to Sparing in the ring)
I am fast….(moves past opponent as if he’s standing still and joint locks him)
(Fades to past video of Wrath beating people up)
I show no mercy. Its time.. Time for me to take gold, and nothing is going to stop me Cause I am focused and prepared to walk away with once again with gold. Spin your in my way, you have my respect but once we step into the ring you Enter my world. My world of pain, Gimics wont help you, your end is near blink or move the wrong way. And its Lights Out (Fades to black)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:51:48 GMT -5
The camera fades into the familiar locker room scene. However, this time the camera is conveniently placed just outside the door where it shows a slightly groggy-looking Tyson Kincaid sitting on a chair in his ring attire, conversing with an unidentified male whom the audience cannot see due to the placement of the camera.
TK: You just couldn’t help yourself, could you? You had to have the spotlight on you one more time.
UM: You and I both know that’s not why I’m here. You’re slipping again, Tyson. I don’t want to see you ruin another opportunity because you can’t pull yourself together when under pressure.
Kincaid leans forward and puts his head in his hands.
TK: I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just not myself.
UM: Exactly, that’s my point.
TK: I know, I know. And you’re right. I just don’t know where to go from here.
UM: For starters, sober up and focus on your match tonight. You’re up against Moosehead Jack, one of the most dangerous men in the company. How do you expect to compete against him if you’re hungover?
TK: With all due respect to Moose, he’s not really my top priority.
UM: And that’s another thing right there. Forget about Firewoman. She hasn’t even mentioned you. She doesn’t care about you and your best bet, as difficult as it sounds right now, is not to care about her either. Now let’s talk strategy.
The unidentified male begins talking about tonight’s Mayhem as Kincaid looks at him, clearly only partly paying attention.
Fade.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 25, 2008 20:52:20 GMT -5
<Moosehead Jack is in the back, and appears to be in a rather foul mood. SFJ13 walks up to him anyway>
SFJ13: Moose, Tyson Kincaid seems to have other things on his mind rather than his match with you this week, any comments?
MHJ: Kincaid, you have about three hours. Three hours to get your head on straight. If you don't, I make you one promise, you will not walk out of that ring. See Kincaid, quite honestly, I don't give a FUCK if you are a love sick puppy. I don't give a FUCK if you feel like you were jilted and feel sorry for yourself. And I sure as hell don't give a FUCK if you decide to self medicate over it. You get your head in the match, or I promise you Kincaid, I will end your career.
Trust me
<Moose turns and walks away>
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