Post by mooseheadjack on Dec 26, 2008 16:39:30 GMT -5
<DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to offend anyone, unless it offends everyone, in that case, it was fully intended. – Fire. Seriously, I don’t mean to offend anyone, I just got this idea and thought it would be fun. The facts are probably nowhere near accurate as I was going mostly on my very sketchy memory of how things went down, so please don’t yell at me because certain events are out of order>
<we see Firewoman and Attitude Adjuster walking across the desert, Firewoman is clearly very far along with child>
AA: Ok seriously, HOW did this happen? You are going to totally swerve me and hit me with a camel aren’t you?
FW: No, jackass, this had to be YOUR doing! What did you do, get me hopped up on some of that wine and take advantage of me in Mianus
<both stop and look at the camera>
FW: Don’t even say it I…….OUCH!
AA: What?
FW: OUCH DAMMIT!!!
AA: WHAT?
FW: I am going into LABOR you idiot!
AA: Oh, huh, uhhh, in the middle of the desert? Is that really such a good idea?
FW: GET ME SOMEWHERE SO I CAN HAVE THIS BABY! NOW!
AA: Well, there is an inn over there but….
FW: BUT WHAT?
AA: You got any money?
FW: WHAT? Where is the money I gave you?
AA: I kinda lost it
FW: WHAT? ON WHAT?
AA: I uhh…..
FW: on………..what
AA: Look I had good odds, 10-1, so I put my money on Goliath, ok? I thought a slingshot was an illegal foreign object! I think it was Mel Creech refereeing this one! I was ROBBED!
FW: You’re an idiot, and I thought that was Tytan? Get me to the Inn
<they finally make it to the Inn and walk to the owner>
GMtR: Hello there, welcome to GM the Rick’s Inn and Drinking Saloon, what can I do for you tonight?
AA: Well, I kinda got this knocked up wife here, <leaning in> though between you and me? She hasn’t put out in MONTHS, I don’t think it is mine
GMtR: You don’t say. Look I have a room, but it will cost you….
AA: Yeah, that’s the problem, I sort of have no money. Stupid Goliath.
GMtR: Wow, you are screwed then, look you can go sleep out in the back with the jobbers if you want
AA: WHAT?
FW: TAKE IT YOU IDIOT!
AA: Fine, we’ll take it
<AA leads Fire out to the back where they find some straw next to Carl From Fresno, Puck Dupp and the Bay Bridge Boyz. AA gets comfortable, forgetting that Fire is in labor. She digs her nails into his arm and screams in pain. AA pops up and yells for the Jobber Barn Attendants Nayr and Bryce Larson to get some hot water>
Larson: Where the hell are we going to get hot water from? Indoor plumbing is still almost 2000 years away!
Nayr: Yeah, we would have to build a fire and all, and have YOU seen any wood in the desert?
AA: But…..
FW: DO SOMETHING!
<AA gets to his feet and walks out the door and sees Johnny Adrenaline standing outside the Inn talking to a Sexy Female Journalist>
JA: So Herod, listen and listen good. Next Week at Non-Sabbath Mayhem, you and I are going to go toe-to-toe, and when it is all said and done, I am going to be the one walking that isle, stylin and profilin’, WHOO to be the man you got to BEAT the man! The Tribe of Abraham is forever and so is Johnny Adrenaline! – Did you get all that?
SFJ: Yes, but he didn’t
Bill Apterowitz: Johnny, could you repeat the part after Beat the man? Isaac here didn’t get all that in stone.
AA: JOHNNY! Hey JOHNNY! I need your help
JA: Hey AA, what’s up?
AA: Look man, you have a kid <both stop and look around waiting for Kayfabe to show up, off on the horizon we see a hard charging camel racing toward them with a figure on the back waving a sword> How long do we have before she gets here?
JA: Couple hours, what do you need?
AA: Look Firewoman is about to drop a child, what the hell do I do?
JA: Take her to the hospital
AA: There ARE no hospitals yet!
JA: Oh yeah. Have you cut a promo on the baby yet?
AA: No, not yet, but I have this totally great promo I am going to use. Remember when Eddie Gilbert thought Missy Hyatt was cheating on him with John Tatum?
JA: CLASSIC! What about photos? You gonna use those too?
AA: As soon as they are invented, I am totally there.
Unknown Voice: Gentlemen
<Johnny and AA turn to the man, and we see it is Poe, Johnny immediately takes off for his life>
AA: Poe! You don’t scare me! You might get one of us, but you can’t beat BOTH of us! Right Johnny? Johnny…….JOHNNY GET BACK……dammit.
Poe: I couldn’t help but overhear your dilemma. I am well trained in the arts of Child birth, and my goddess Selena will be happy to assist.
AA: Uh, ok, we should probably head around to the barn….
<they return and Poe turns to AA>
Poe: You should wait out here
AA: Why? What about the others? It’s cold out here!
Poe: One moment
<Poe steps in and we hear crashing and screams of pain, and soon the OOWF Jobbers are fleeing out of the barn running into the desert night. After several minutes of quiet, we hear Fire cry out in pain, then the sound of a baby crying. Selena skips out to AA>
Selena: You may come in now, Master has delivered the baby, it is a healthy boy
<AA runs in and takes one look at an exhausted Firewoman holding the baby boy>
AA: Uh wow. I am a dad. Holy shit. So, uh, what are we going to name him?
FW: Jesus
AA: What? I was thinking something cooler like Jet….
FW: HIS NAME…….IS JESUS
AA: Fine. We can tell people he is going to be a luchadore
<we cut to three men riding camels across the desert>
SYB: Couldn’t we have got something more comfortable? Holy shit who rides on a camel these days?
The Amnesiac: Will you quit your complaining
Skurge: If he quit complaining we would never hear from him again, eh?
TA: Is that bad?
SYB: Tee Hee fucknuts. Look, what are we doing out here again?
S: We have to take gifts to our newly born king before that jerk Herod kills him
SYB: Wait, just wait a damn minute. We are giving this gold to a baby? Really?
TA: Don’t be such a cheap bastard, he is also getting Frankinscense from me
SYB: Why the hell would you do a frankensteiner on a baby?
S: An Myhrr from me
SYB: Wait, what the hell is Frankenscense and Myhrr?
S: Frankinscense and Myhrr are perfumes
SYB: What the hell does a baby need perfume for?
TA: You ever changed a diaper?
SYB: OH HELL NO
S: They stink
TA: About as much as SYB after some KFC
SYB: Shut it fucko. What about the gold then? Huh?
S: Diapers are not cheap. Shouldn’t you have read all this stuff already?
SYB: I am waiting for the movie
<The invisible ninja cameramen follow the Wise men through the desert and they get to the manger and give their gifts, which AA immediately tries to pawn. As they are about to leave, Scheme Gene pulls them aside>
SG: Ladies and gentlemen, I am getting word that King Herod plans on kidnapping the Wise Men and torturing them until they told of the location of the New Born King. For more details, call the hotline, 1-900-909-9900! Kids, get your parents permission first!
TA: Call on what?
SYB: We are going to be kidnapped!
S: I think we should take a different route back, show that King Herod jerkoff
<Once again, time passes and we cut to the inside of a castle, or whatever passed for a castle back then. The members of IHOP are all tied up, and a powerful man is standing with his back to them, it is clearly King Herod>
KH: I told you, TELL ME WHERE HE IS! <Herod turns around and we see it is clearly Alexander Darling> TELL ME NOW!
S: We are not going to do that
KH: Why?
SYB: Because go fuck yourself, that’s why!
S: ZING, Eh!
<Herod grabs a whip and whips the three>
KH: TELL ME!
SYB: I would love to, but our Camel GPS was broken, so I have no idea where it is
<Herod just snarls in irritation and turns to the waiting Tytan and Spin Hansen>
KH: Take care of them. <Herod turns to the three> I hope you know, what happens next is all on you
SYB: Trust you?
<Herod turns and walks away and we hear the sounds of people being beaten, again>
<We move forward in the story and we see King Herod and his henchmen Phantos and Lucios roll into Bethlehem carrying every imaginable wrestling weapon known to man. They ravage the town, destroying tents and beating the men of the town mercilessly. When they are done, and the town is kneeling before him, Herod speaks>
KH: I promise you this, the blood of your loved ones is on the hands of the child they call Jesus. The person who brings me that child shall be rewarded. Otherwise, I will return again and again and wreak vengeance on all those before me. BOOYAH BITCH!
<Herod rides off and we get one of those time passes cuts and we see Jesus with his disciples later in life sitting around the table about to feast. We see Peter (DH Magnusson), Andrew (FF Capslock), James (Seamus McNasty), John (Chris Cole), Phillip (Outback Jack), Bartholomew (Stank), Matthew (LD Williams), Thomas (Damon Wrath), James II (Eric O’Mac), Thaddeus (Tyson Kincaid), Simon the Zealot (Crete) and Judas Iscariot (Moose). Jesus settles them down>
Jesus: Ok guys as you can see, a lot of time has passed, King Herod is no longer after me, that feud has run its course. I think we can safely say we have beaten them…
Simon: AND WHAT AN AWESOME FEUD THAT WAS!! IT WAS GREAT!! DID YOU SEE THAT FINAL MATCH!! AMAZING, GREAT!! FANTASTIC!!
Jesus: Calm down Simon, look we have the Romans to deal with next. They are a pretty formidable stable. If we wish to win the Ancient World Heavyweight Title, we may have to fight them
James: I say we just blow them the fuck up
Jesus: James, explosives haven’t been invented yet
James: Like YOU need them, Walls of Jericho their asses!
Peter: I got ta say th’Irishman makes a good point….
Jesus: How’s the leg Peter?
Peter: Still hurts like th’ devil. Think you could help an apostle out here?
Jesus: That’s not how it works Peter. Your suffering makes you stronger. Now, the Romans….
Andrew: You want me and Bart to go kick their asses?
Bartholomew: It’s Bartholomew, get it right
Jesus: Well, after we eat, it might not be a bad idea for you to go scout the Romans, Thomas you think you can go along with them?
Thomas: I doubt it
Jesus: Ok fine Thomas, you stay here, Matthew and Phillip you go with Bartholomew and Andrew
Phillip: <belching> That’s Phoenician for, you got it
Matthew: They may not like us, but they will Fear Us
John: WHAT ABOUT ME?
Jesus: Calm down John, don’t lose your head.
John: Wrong John
Jesus: I knew that. Look, John I need you here with Thaddeus and James II to review some tape
James II: Tape?
Jesus: Fine. Clay pots.
Thaddeus: I learned this great move from Lance, it’s called a Half Boston Crab……
Jesus: We can work on that later Thaddeus. Right now, there is something more important, one of you here will betray me
<everyone turns and looks at Judas>
Judas: What?
Jesus: Let’s eat, we can discuss strategy later.
<the thirteen of them sit down to a great feast. There is food and wine for everyone and everyone eats until they can no longer eat any more. One by one, the apostles get up to do their jobs. Bartholomew, Phillip, Andrea and Matthew all grab weapons and head to the Roman camp. John, Thomas and Thaddeus go and collect the pots with the matches inscribed, and the rest remove themselves to spar, Simon expression how it will be the greatest sparring session ever. This leaves only Jesus and Judas. Judas gets out of his seat and he and Jesus share a hard look. >
Judas: You know I respect you
Jesus: I know
Judas: And you know what is coming next
Jesus: I do
<with that Judas reaches back and OMG HEARTPUNCHES Jesus! Jesus drops to his knees, and before he can get up, Pontius Pilate and his Roman Guards storm into the room and grab Jesus. Pilate turns to Judas>
PP: Pontius Pilate thinks Judas did the right thing. Pontius Pilate will take Jesus to the proper authorities. Pontius Pilate will make sure that no one makes a fool of Pontius Pilate again. Pontius Pilate is a powerful man. Pontius Pilate demands respect and if Pontius Pilate does not get the respect he deserves, Pontius Pilate will have to beat that respect into people.
Judas: I get my part of the deal, right?
PP: Pontius Pilate always honors his deals
<Pilate hands Judas a barbed wire baseball bat, Judas gets a sadistic grin on his face>
Judas: Where did Simon go?
<We do another hard cut and head to the Roman Wrestling Arena in downtown Rome where we see a triple stack Hell in the Cell match is in progress. Pontius Pilate and Jesus are both bloody messes, and they are battling on the top of the cells. Below them are several tables set up with barbed wire and broken glass. On the top of the cage, an exhausted Jesus tries a spinning heel kick, but Pilate ducks and catches Jesus with a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER on top of the cage! Pilate stands and looks out at the masses of Roman citizens, then looks down at the ten remaining apostles. The crowd is screaming for blood, and Pilate slowly pulls Jesus to his feet and grabs him by the throat, lifts him and throws him OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE THROUGH THE TABLES!!! Referee Sterling Glaw immediately calls for the bell and makes the dreaded X sign.
WINNER in 1:45:49 – Pontius Pilate
Medics immediately storm the ringside area, but the apostles keep them away. They all glare at Pilate, who is posing on the top of the cage. They pick up the body of the fallen Jesus and carry him out of the arena ducking the debris from the crowd>
<The camera fades in, this time to the top of a mountain somewhere in the desert. The ten remaining apostles are standing outside a cave that is blocked by a boulder>
Bartholomew: Ok, we have to go check on the body
Thaddeus: That’s kind of creepy, let the dead rest and all
John: Look, he told me once, “check my body after my death”
Matthew: Was there more?
Thomas: I doubt it
Andrew: Well look, there is that big ass boulder there, how are we going to move that?
<they all look away and plan and scheme on how to move the boulder, when they look back, the boulder is clearly out of the way>
Phillip: <belches>
James II: What’s that for?
Phillip: Nothing, that just happens when I am really surprised by something
<with that Jesus walks out of the cave, completely unscathed and looking fine>
James: Holy shit! Did you just no sell……..death?
<we look out on the horizon and see Kayfabe on a hard charging camel racing toward them with a figure on the back waving a sword>
James: We got time
Jesus: I have to leave now. My contract here is up, and I am afraid I have been future endeavored
Bartholomew: WHAT?
John: Because you lost ONE match? That’s hardcore
Jesus: My father has a fed and he wants me to help him run it. No worries though, I will put in a good word for all of you. Well, except Judas. He can eat a ……
<before he can finish that statement, Jesus descends to the heavens leaving the apostles below him. As he disappears, they look at one another wondering if this all really happened, or if it was just a dream. Suddenly, they turn and look, we see Kayfabe backing up a semi toward them, beep, beep, beep, beep>
Beep beep, beep, beep
<Moose snaps awake in a dingy dirty hotel room in Springfield, New Jersey. He takes a few moments to gather his senses. Moose looks at the TV and we see that it has been left on the History channel. Moose recalls that he had been watching The Bible’s Bloodiest Battles when he fell asleep. Now, the program on the life of Jesus is just ending. Moose gets up and smirks to himself as he seems to recall his dream>
MHJ: Fire as the Virgin Mary. No one is going to believe that.
<we see Firewoman and Attitude Adjuster walking across the desert, Firewoman is clearly very far along with child>
AA: Ok seriously, HOW did this happen? You are going to totally swerve me and hit me with a camel aren’t you?
FW: No, jackass, this had to be YOUR doing! What did you do, get me hopped up on some of that wine and take advantage of me in Mianus
<both stop and look at the camera>
FW: Don’t even say it I…….OUCH!
AA: What?
FW: OUCH DAMMIT!!!
AA: WHAT?
FW: I am going into LABOR you idiot!
AA: Oh, huh, uhhh, in the middle of the desert? Is that really such a good idea?
FW: GET ME SOMEWHERE SO I CAN HAVE THIS BABY! NOW!
AA: Well, there is an inn over there but….
FW: BUT WHAT?
AA: You got any money?
FW: WHAT? Where is the money I gave you?
AA: I kinda lost it
FW: WHAT? ON WHAT?
AA: I uhh…..
FW: on………..what
AA: Look I had good odds, 10-1, so I put my money on Goliath, ok? I thought a slingshot was an illegal foreign object! I think it was Mel Creech refereeing this one! I was ROBBED!
FW: You’re an idiot, and I thought that was Tytan? Get me to the Inn
<they finally make it to the Inn and walk to the owner>
GMtR: Hello there, welcome to GM the Rick’s Inn and Drinking Saloon, what can I do for you tonight?
AA: Well, I kinda got this knocked up wife here, <leaning in> though between you and me? She hasn’t put out in MONTHS, I don’t think it is mine
GMtR: You don’t say. Look I have a room, but it will cost you….
AA: Yeah, that’s the problem, I sort of have no money. Stupid Goliath.
GMtR: Wow, you are screwed then, look you can go sleep out in the back with the jobbers if you want
AA: WHAT?
FW: TAKE IT YOU IDIOT!
AA: Fine, we’ll take it
<AA leads Fire out to the back where they find some straw next to Carl From Fresno, Puck Dupp and the Bay Bridge Boyz. AA gets comfortable, forgetting that Fire is in labor. She digs her nails into his arm and screams in pain. AA pops up and yells for the Jobber Barn Attendants Nayr and Bryce Larson to get some hot water>
Larson: Where the hell are we going to get hot water from? Indoor plumbing is still almost 2000 years away!
Nayr: Yeah, we would have to build a fire and all, and have YOU seen any wood in the desert?
AA: But…..
FW: DO SOMETHING!
<AA gets to his feet and walks out the door and sees Johnny Adrenaline standing outside the Inn talking to a Sexy Female Journalist>
JA: So Herod, listen and listen good. Next Week at Non-Sabbath Mayhem, you and I are going to go toe-to-toe, and when it is all said and done, I am going to be the one walking that isle, stylin and profilin’, WHOO to be the man you got to BEAT the man! The Tribe of Abraham is forever and so is Johnny Adrenaline! – Did you get all that?
SFJ: Yes, but he didn’t
Bill Apterowitz: Johnny, could you repeat the part after Beat the man? Isaac here didn’t get all that in stone.
AA: JOHNNY! Hey JOHNNY! I need your help
JA: Hey AA, what’s up?
AA: Look man, you have a kid <both stop and look around waiting for Kayfabe to show up, off on the horizon we see a hard charging camel racing toward them with a figure on the back waving a sword> How long do we have before she gets here?
JA: Couple hours, what do you need?
AA: Look Firewoman is about to drop a child, what the hell do I do?
JA: Take her to the hospital
AA: There ARE no hospitals yet!
JA: Oh yeah. Have you cut a promo on the baby yet?
AA: No, not yet, but I have this totally great promo I am going to use. Remember when Eddie Gilbert thought Missy Hyatt was cheating on him with John Tatum?
JA: CLASSIC! What about photos? You gonna use those too?
AA: As soon as they are invented, I am totally there.
Unknown Voice: Gentlemen
<Johnny and AA turn to the man, and we see it is Poe, Johnny immediately takes off for his life>
AA: Poe! You don’t scare me! You might get one of us, but you can’t beat BOTH of us! Right Johnny? Johnny…….JOHNNY GET BACK……dammit.
Poe: I couldn’t help but overhear your dilemma. I am well trained in the arts of Child birth, and my goddess Selena will be happy to assist.
AA: Uh, ok, we should probably head around to the barn….
<they return and Poe turns to AA>
Poe: You should wait out here
AA: Why? What about the others? It’s cold out here!
Poe: One moment
<Poe steps in and we hear crashing and screams of pain, and soon the OOWF Jobbers are fleeing out of the barn running into the desert night. After several minutes of quiet, we hear Fire cry out in pain, then the sound of a baby crying. Selena skips out to AA>
Selena: You may come in now, Master has delivered the baby, it is a healthy boy
<AA runs in and takes one look at an exhausted Firewoman holding the baby boy>
AA: Uh wow. I am a dad. Holy shit. So, uh, what are we going to name him?
FW: Jesus
AA: What? I was thinking something cooler like Jet….
FW: HIS NAME…….IS JESUS
AA: Fine. We can tell people he is going to be a luchadore
<we cut to three men riding camels across the desert>
SYB: Couldn’t we have got something more comfortable? Holy shit who rides on a camel these days?
The Amnesiac: Will you quit your complaining
Skurge: If he quit complaining we would never hear from him again, eh?
TA: Is that bad?
SYB: Tee Hee fucknuts. Look, what are we doing out here again?
S: We have to take gifts to our newly born king before that jerk Herod kills him
SYB: Wait, just wait a damn minute. We are giving this gold to a baby? Really?
TA: Don’t be such a cheap bastard, he is also getting Frankinscense from me
SYB: Why the hell would you do a frankensteiner on a baby?
S: An Myhrr from me
SYB: Wait, what the hell is Frankenscense and Myhrr?
S: Frankinscense and Myhrr are perfumes
SYB: What the hell does a baby need perfume for?
TA: You ever changed a diaper?
SYB: OH HELL NO
S: They stink
TA: About as much as SYB after some KFC
SYB: Shut it fucko. What about the gold then? Huh?
S: Diapers are not cheap. Shouldn’t you have read all this stuff already?
SYB: I am waiting for the movie
<The invisible ninja cameramen follow the Wise men through the desert and they get to the manger and give their gifts, which AA immediately tries to pawn. As they are about to leave, Scheme Gene pulls them aside>
SG: Ladies and gentlemen, I am getting word that King Herod plans on kidnapping the Wise Men and torturing them until they told of the location of the New Born King. For more details, call the hotline, 1-900-909-9900! Kids, get your parents permission first!
TA: Call on what?
SYB: We are going to be kidnapped!
S: I think we should take a different route back, show that King Herod jerkoff
<Once again, time passes and we cut to the inside of a castle, or whatever passed for a castle back then. The members of IHOP are all tied up, and a powerful man is standing with his back to them, it is clearly King Herod>
KH: I told you, TELL ME WHERE HE IS! <Herod turns around and we see it is clearly Alexander Darling> TELL ME NOW!
S: We are not going to do that
KH: Why?
SYB: Because go fuck yourself, that’s why!
S: ZING, Eh!
<Herod grabs a whip and whips the three>
KH: TELL ME!
SYB: I would love to, but our Camel GPS was broken, so I have no idea where it is
<Herod just snarls in irritation and turns to the waiting Tytan and Spin Hansen>
KH: Take care of them. <Herod turns to the three> I hope you know, what happens next is all on you
SYB: Trust you?
<Herod turns and walks away and we hear the sounds of people being beaten, again>
<We move forward in the story and we see King Herod and his henchmen Phantos and Lucios roll into Bethlehem carrying every imaginable wrestling weapon known to man. They ravage the town, destroying tents and beating the men of the town mercilessly. When they are done, and the town is kneeling before him, Herod speaks>
KH: I promise you this, the blood of your loved ones is on the hands of the child they call Jesus. The person who brings me that child shall be rewarded. Otherwise, I will return again and again and wreak vengeance on all those before me. BOOYAH BITCH!
<Herod rides off and we get one of those time passes cuts and we see Jesus with his disciples later in life sitting around the table about to feast. We see Peter (DH Magnusson), Andrew (FF Capslock), James (Seamus McNasty), John (Chris Cole), Phillip (Outback Jack), Bartholomew (Stank), Matthew (LD Williams), Thomas (Damon Wrath), James II (Eric O’Mac), Thaddeus (Tyson Kincaid), Simon the Zealot (Crete) and Judas Iscariot (Moose). Jesus settles them down>
Jesus: Ok guys as you can see, a lot of time has passed, King Herod is no longer after me, that feud has run its course. I think we can safely say we have beaten them…
Simon: AND WHAT AN AWESOME FEUD THAT WAS!! IT WAS GREAT!! DID YOU SEE THAT FINAL MATCH!! AMAZING, GREAT!! FANTASTIC!!
Jesus: Calm down Simon, look we have the Romans to deal with next. They are a pretty formidable stable. If we wish to win the Ancient World Heavyweight Title, we may have to fight them
James: I say we just blow them the fuck up
Jesus: James, explosives haven’t been invented yet
James: Like YOU need them, Walls of Jericho their asses!
Peter: I got ta say th’Irishman makes a good point….
Jesus: How’s the leg Peter?
Peter: Still hurts like th’ devil. Think you could help an apostle out here?
Jesus: That’s not how it works Peter. Your suffering makes you stronger. Now, the Romans….
Andrew: You want me and Bart to go kick their asses?
Bartholomew: It’s Bartholomew, get it right
Jesus: Well, after we eat, it might not be a bad idea for you to go scout the Romans, Thomas you think you can go along with them?
Thomas: I doubt it
Jesus: Ok fine Thomas, you stay here, Matthew and Phillip you go with Bartholomew and Andrew
Phillip: <belching> That’s Phoenician for, you got it
Matthew: They may not like us, but they will Fear Us
John: WHAT ABOUT ME?
Jesus: Calm down John, don’t lose your head.
John: Wrong John
Jesus: I knew that. Look, John I need you here with Thaddeus and James II to review some tape
James II: Tape?
Jesus: Fine. Clay pots.
Thaddeus: I learned this great move from Lance, it’s called a Half Boston Crab……
Jesus: We can work on that later Thaddeus. Right now, there is something more important, one of you here will betray me
<everyone turns and looks at Judas>
Judas: What?
Jesus: Let’s eat, we can discuss strategy later.
<the thirteen of them sit down to a great feast. There is food and wine for everyone and everyone eats until they can no longer eat any more. One by one, the apostles get up to do their jobs. Bartholomew, Phillip, Andrea and Matthew all grab weapons and head to the Roman camp. John, Thomas and Thaddeus go and collect the pots with the matches inscribed, and the rest remove themselves to spar, Simon expression how it will be the greatest sparring session ever. This leaves only Jesus and Judas. Judas gets out of his seat and he and Jesus share a hard look. >
Judas: You know I respect you
Jesus: I know
Judas: And you know what is coming next
Jesus: I do
<with that Judas reaches back and OMG HEARTPUNCHES Jesus! Jesus drops to his knees, and before he can get up, Pontius Pilate and his Roman Guards storm into the room and grab Jesus. Pilate turns to Judas>
PP: Pontius Pilate thinks Judas did the right thing. Pontius Pilate will take Jesus to the proper authorities. Pontius Pilate will make sure that no one makes a fool of Pontius Pilate again. Pontius Pilate is a powerful man. Pontius Pilate demands respect and if Pontius Pilate does not get the respect he deserves, Pontius Pilate will have to beat that respect into people.
Judas: I get my part of the deal, right?
PP: Pontius Pilate always honors his deals
<Pilate hands Judas a barbed wire baseball bat, Judas gets a sadistic grin on his face>
Judas: Where did Simon go?
<We do another hard cut and head to the Roman Wrestling Arena in downtown Rome where we see a triple stack Hell in the Cell match is in progress. Pontius Pilate and Jesus are both bloody messes, and they are battling on the top of the cells. Below them are several tables set up with barbed wire and broken glass. On the top of the cage, an exhausted Jesus tries a spinning heel kick, but Pilate ducks and catches Jesus with a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER on top of the cage! Pilate stands and looks out at the masses of Roman citizens, then looks down at the ten remaining apostles. The crowd is screaming for blood, and Pilate slowly pulls Jesus to his feet and grabs him by the throat, lifts him and throws him OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE THROUGH THE TABLES!!! Referee Sterling Glaw immediately calls for the bell and makes the dreaded X sign.
WINNER in 1:45:49 – Pontius Pilate
Medics immediately storm the ringside area, but the apostles keep them away. They all glare at Pilate, who is posing on the top of the cage. They pick up the body of the fallen Jesus and carry him out of the arena ducking the debris from the crowd>
<The camera fades in, this time to the top of a mountain somewhere in the desert. The ten remaining apostles are standing outside a cave that is blocked by a boulder>
Bartholomew: Ok, we have to go check on the body
Thaddeus: That’s kind of creepy, let the dead rest and all
John: Look, he told me once, “check my body after my death”
Matthew: Was there more?
Thomas: I doubt it
Andrew: Well look, there is that big ass boulder there, how are we going to move that?
<they all look away and plan and scheme on how to move the boulder, when they look back, the boulder is clearly out of the way>
Phillip: <belches>
James II: What’s that for?
Phillip: Nothing, that just happens when I am really surprised by something
<with that Jesus walks out of the cave, completely unscathed and looking fine>
James: Holy shit! Did you just no sell……..death?
<we look out on the horizon and see Kayfabe on a hard charging camel racing toward them with a figure on the back waving a sword>
James: We got time
Jesus: I have to leave now. My contract here is up, and I am afraid I have been future endeavored
Bartholomew: WHAT?
John: Because you lost ONE match? That’s hardcore
Jesus: My father has a fed and he wants me to help him run it. No worries though, I will put in a good word for all of you. Well, except Judas. He can eat a ……
<before he can finish that statement, Jesus descends to the heavens leaving the apostles below him. As he disappears, they look at one another wondering if this all really happened, or if it was just a dream. Suddenly, they turn and look, we see Kayfabe backing up a semi toward them, beep, beep, beep, beep>
Beep beep, beep, beep
<Moose snaps awake in a dingy dirty hotel room in Springfield, New Jersey. He takes a few moments to gather his senses. Moose looks at the TV and we see that it has been left on the History channel. Moose recalls that he had been watching The Bible’s Bloodiest Battles when he fell asleep. Now, the program on the life of Jesus is just ending. Moose gets up and smirks to himself as he seems to recall his dream>
MHJ: Fire as the Virgin Mary. No one is going to believe that.