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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 13:59:59 GMT -5
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem/OOWF Invitational LIVE! From Climax, Saskatchewan
Tournament Matches Hardbody Harris vs. UnderDawg Chris Alt vs. Moosehead Jack
Canadian Dragon vs. Microplay - Last Man Standing Match Niles Anderson & Morte vs. Thim Reynolds & Semaj B. - Chair Elimination Match Attitude Adjuster vs. Endo Revolution XX vs. Smark & Brad Smoley Johnny Adrenaline & LD Williams vs. Blade & JW Westgaard Hellion & Corax vs. 3Piece Set - OOWF World Tag Title Match Beast vs. FF Capslock Mark Vander & GimmickMan vs. The Dragons GatorBaitvs. Concrete TG - OOWF Intercontinental Title Match Outback Jack vs. Donovan Viper - OOWF World Title Match
Subject to change, as usual, you want stips? let me know.
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:00:42 GMT -5
Outback Jackand Steve are sitting in the bar of an Outback Steakhouse, with cans of Foster's carefully placed towards the camera. (Because without product placements, the OOWF couldn't afford its plethora of SFJ's.)
Steve: Crikey, Jack, you and Gator get shots at the gold. OBJ: Gator and Concrete can both go. I'd buy a ticket for that one. Steve: But what about you and Viper? OBJ: I know better than to misunderestimate him. Steve: What? OBJ: It's an American expression, mate. Steve: Well, what if that Underdawg guy interferes? OBJ: Well, it's not clear to me if any of the factions are holding together in the OOWF. Especially the Ministry. But if that does happen, remember the little trick that you learned to play on dingos when you went walkabout last year? Maybe we can use that.
Steve open his can of Fosters, and the Beast pops out.
Beast: Hey, this aint Pismo Beach! I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Alberquque!
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:01:33 GMT -5
*Some radio station slut is shooting T-shirts into the crowd, but for some reason all she can do is aim straight up and have them fall back in the ring. The crowd is booing mightily, until suddenly…the lights go out. The crowd gasps. Some guy in Section 234 grabs a girl’s breast, and then uses the cover of darkness to run away.*
BONG
BONG
BARK
*Doggy Dogg World plays, but Underdawg doesn’t show up. Instead, 30 druids walk out onto the entrance ramp, shaking their moneymakers to the oh-so-kickin early 90’s music. The crowd isn’t sure of anything, and are even more confused when eight more druids emerge, a casket on their shoulders. After 14 minutes of druids, smoke, and Snoop Dogg, they finally hoist the casket into the middle of the ring and leave. The lights are still off, smoke still emerges from under the ring, and a soft spotlight is illuminating the casket in a haunting fashion. Slowly, the casket opens…
*The lights burst into full, almost blinding brightness as Hardbody Harris leaps out, a trail of liquid pouring from his body. He runs to the ring ropes, dripping away, and climbs the turnbuckle, spitting the fluid straight up in the air, letting it descend on him in a mist. Hardbody is almost sickingly shiny, reflecting nearly every light and flashbulb in the arena in high-definition clarity. The ring announcer gives him a mic. It slips from his hands, but he picks it up again.*
“Good Lord, I feel good! Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering what I was doing in that casket, and why I’m dripping more than all of the females in the audience do when they hear my music. Well, you all know that the #1 SEED IN THE OOWF has made it to the final four of the OOWF invitational, and his opponent is none other than the playin-dead dog himself, Underdawg. Earlier, the Muttertaker had some words for Hardbody.”
*Video from OOWF Sawed-Off Saturday Night is shown on the OOtrOOn*
“Now, Moosehead Jack took that as a slap in the face. However, I saw it as advice, so I did what he asked: I rested…in…grease.” *He rubs his chest with his oiled hands* “And HOT DAMN do I feel clean and smooth. So, I should thank you, Underdawg; from now on, I have something to do with all my leftover bacon grease. I can’t wait to watch Grease while bathing in it!”
*Hardbody jumps back in the casket and starts swimming around in the knee-deep cooking liquid. He does a few backstrokes, a handstand, and even doggy paddles to the delight of the audience. He jumps out again, hops the ropes, and heads ringside, looking for something. He finds it. He runs over to a woman and takes her baby, jaunts back into the ring, and baptizes the baby in the grease. OOWF cuts to commercial*
ADS
*When we come back, Hardbody has an extension cord running from the casket to the announce table. The coffin is now boiling, and Hardbody is dipping random things into the world’s greatest vat. Steel chairs, teddy bears, and even Shakespeare anthologies (mmm…litericious) are deep fried and served to the audience. Nothing more is said, but after the coffin cools, Hardbody lays back down, and once again rests…in…grease. The lid closes, the lights go out, and when they come back on, the T-shirt girl is back in the ring, covered in oil. Everybody smiles.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:02:01 GMT -5
I ain't retyping the whole thing because I didn't save it. But a summary:
The Ministry go to the ring together, united.
Hel and Cor do a promo cutting down 3-Piece Set to cheers
UnderDawg does a promo against Hardbody Harris, his next oppnonent in the tourney. Gives him respect, says that he's the toughest guy left in the tourney, and that the winner of this match should go on to win. (Moosehead is watching this latter and takes offense).
Viper gets on the mic to boos and cuts down Canadian Dragon and declares the belt Dragon has as meaningless, that there is pride in the championship itself more than a trinket.
broadcast end.
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:02:33 GMT -5
*Backstage, Sexy Female Journalist #14 is standing by with "No Nickname Required" Chris Alt, who is coincidentally wearing his new "Welcome to Prime Time" t-shirt, available now on OOWFshopzone.com. Alt is wearing an intense look that says he's all business tonight*
SFJ14: Chris Alt, a few weeks ago, I don't think there were too many who would have pegged you as a dark horse to make it to the Final Four of this tournament, but here you stand tonight. But even though you've scored a lot of upsets on your way here, tonight you still have to be considered the underdog against your opponent, Moosehead Jack. What are your thoughts?
CA: Underdog? Yeah, that sounds about right. Hell, I'm used to it by now. I've been an underdog through this entire tournament. I've been an underdog my entire life, to be quite honest. See, here's something not a lot of people know: this scar on my chest? *traces finger across scar that runs from his back to chest on the left side* For some reason, a lot of fans have this misconception that I got that scar in some wild hardcore match when I started my career in Japan. The truth of it is, I was born with a heart defect, and when I was six years old, I had to have surgery. The doctors told my parents that there was a strong chance I wouldn't survive the operation, and that if I did survive the operation, I may not be able to walk again. I was the underdog then, just an innocent little boy up against a monstrosity of a genetic nature, no allies except for a loving family and a little stuffed dog that I took everywhere I went. And guess what, Moosehead Jack? I defied the odds. That little boy lived when he very well could have died; that little boy walked when he very well could have spent his life in a wheelchair. Twenty years later, that little boy has become a man and he's an underdog once again, but this time I'm up against a monstrosity of an entirely different nature. This time, I'm up against a man with a heart as cold as ice, a man who likes to just plain hurt people. This time, it's me and Moosehead Jack.
SFJ14: Wow, Chris, that's certainly an inspiring story, but does it really have anything to do with your match tonight?
CA: It has everything to do with it. I've been defying odds my entire life, and now I have to do it yet again. I can't come along this far just to lose now. See, in March Madness, nobody ever remembers the 60 teams that don't make it to the Final Four, but they always remember those last three teams that choked. I didn't make it through three of the toughest bastards in the OOWF to go down now just because the odds are stacked against me. Did the colonists give up when the odds were stacked against them and the British were coming for blood? Hell no they didn't, they stood and fought although conventional wisdom told them they were doomed, and that by God is what America is all about: standing and fighting when it looks like you're done with. Did the Red Sox give up when they were down 3 games to none in the ALCS and the so-called "curse" hung over their heads like a noose? Hell no they didn't, they took it right to the Yankees in the grill and they came out and shut their critics and their naysayers the hell up. Is Chris Alt going to roll out the white flag just because he's up against a soulless monster who would just as happily tear him into pieces as pin him? Hell no he's not! I'm going to take the fight right back to Moosehead Jack, and I'm going to keep on doing what I do best: I'm going to find a way to win. *Alt is in a near frenzy at this point, and is almost screaming* Do I have your attention yet, Jack? Did you notice that I was the underdog against Microplay, yet I beat him? And then I was the underdog again up against Endo, and I beat him, too! And then I was the underdog yet again against your boy Niles Anderson, but here I am in the final four tonight. Do you think I give a sh*t anymore if I'm the underdog? Do you think I care if the entire world thinks you're going to dismantle me? Because I don't think you're going to dismantle me. I think I'm going to go out there and shock the world yet one more time. Bring your weapons, Jack. Bring your heart punch. Hell, bring the entire damned Establishment with you. I do not care anymore. No matter how high you stack the odds, I'm going to fight until I'm out of breath. Welcome to prime time, Jack.
*With a final snarl, Alt storms off*
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:03:01 GMT -5
--SFJ #666 and her camera crew are talking to Thim Reynolds
#666 - so Thim, you requested this interview time. What would you like to say to the OOWF fans watching?
Thim - oh, errr, nothing really. I just wanted to get a message to Niles . . . he doesn't seem to be answering my calls for some reason at the moment.
So how did it feel then Niles . . . Steel on skull . . . your own blood running down your face . . . gets the adrenaline pumping doesn't it??? All I really wanted to say to you Niles was that's 1 - I own you 2 more at last count and I was wondering if you wanted to get them out of the way sooner rather than later?
It's no secret that Semaj and I have publicly stated that we're going to take the Establishment apart piece by piece and I think we made a pretty good start at this weeks MidWeek Mayhem. Li certainly isn't going to be in full ring shape for a while.
So onto next week where we have been kindly granted another tag match against the Establishment, this time though you will be partnering Morte. Well, Morte knows what he's up against having gone through it last week but you're in for something new aren't you Niles? Do you think you'll actually be bothered to get in the ring this time Niles? Have I got your attention now?
Now, Moosebreath has stated that we can bring in some stips to liven things up a bit so I have a proposal for you . . . well actually for Morte as well. Much as I would like to make you wait and wonder where your next 2 chairs to the face are coming from I think we could end up going round in circles for a very long time and neither of us are ever going to win anything while the other is still breathing, right? So lets get this out of the way at next weeks MidWeek Mayhem.
I propose a Tornado Tag Team Elimination Chairs match. The idea is simple. Decisions count anywhere and the only way to eliminate one of your opponents from the match is to take a steel chair and smash them in the face with it . . . a shot to the back of the head while legal won't actually win the match so unfortunately you'll have to change your style somewhat Niles. The first team to have both members eliminated loses - and probably goes onto spend a couple of weeks getting themselves repaired by a good plastic surgeon.
So what do you say guys? If you're up for this I'm sure you'll have no probably getting it cleared with the defacto GM, your good buddy the Moosemeister . . . if not. Well you'll just confirm everything I already think of you and we'll just take you both out anyway . . . just like we did to Li.
#666 - are you serious? That's going to be kinda brutal isn't it?
Thim - well that all depends on whether Niles bothers to show up doesn't it . . . but for some reason I think this time he might - I can feel it in his bones!!
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:03:31 GMT -5
****RECAP**** -MHJ rallies the troops, Niles is going after Viper, Moose after Concrete, and Endo and Morte are teaming to take out Hellion and Corax. -MHJ enlightens JA and LDWon Concrete’s intentions to take all three of them out so he can focus on the World Title, a possible uneasy alliance is hinted -MHJ watches the Ministry promo and is pissed because UD seems to think that HH is the only tough opponent left in the tournament
SFJ2 catches up with MHJ in the back. MHJ is still angry about the Ministry promo
SFJ2 – Moose, can I ask you a few questions MHJ: You never get tired of this do you? SFJ2: Well it IS my job MHJ: <glares at SFJ> Fine SFJ2: Well, first of all, your reaction to the Ministry was uncharacteristic for you….. MHJ: Since when is anger uncharacteristic for me? Anyway, UnderDawg, you think Harris is the toughest man you will face in this tournament? Keep thinking that way, disregard me, and when I beat your skull in, and leave you a bloody mess in the ring, you can keep thinking about how tough your match against that clown Hardbody Harris was. Dawg, I am the most feared man in the locker room, ask Concrete how tough I am, ask Attitude how tough I am, you know what, no, don’t, just keep thinking that Harris is your toughest opponent SFJ2: So you are disregarding Chris Alt then? MHJ: <takes a minute to gather himself> No. No, I am not disregarding Chris Alt. Alt has potential, he has really come into his own in this tournament. Hell, he beat a former world champion in that coward Microplay, and two Establishment members already. Well Alt, I can guarantee that you will not make it three. SFJ2: Alt claims that he gets no respect, that everyone thinks he is an underdog. MHJ: That little nugget again huh? Look Alt, you can think what you like, you can have all the sob stories you want, oh boo hoo me, I had a bad heart when I was a kid <getting angry> you think I give a DAMN about your bad heart? Or your bad childhood? <grabs the mic and shoves SFJ2 aside> you wanna talk about bad childhoods? I had crap for a childhood, I was forced to grow up on the streets of Detroit because my mom was a whore and my dad was a drunk. SO YOU THINK I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR STUPID LITTLE HEART PROBLEM? Alt, you want to paint yourself as the underdog, well that’s just fine, in my eyes you are the UnderDawg, and you are completely disrespecting me. At MidWeek Mayhem, your childhood nightmare of being confined to a wheelchair will come to pass, I am going to take you, and your stupid little heart problems and your bitchy little childhood dreams, and I am going to destroy it all, that’s what I do, Alt, and this week you are going to learn that the hard way.
Trust me
<fade to black>
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:03:58 GMT -5
ah yes, a shot at the gold at last... Concrete, you've been on top for awhile... but as we all know, all good things must come to an end, and i'll be more than happy to end you... nobody has survived The Chomp yet (aside from that fat-ass Smoley), and you will not be the first...
and Outback just told me that i'll have Steve's lovely girlfriend Alberta out to be my personal valet for this match... she's quite the kinky little thing, so i'm gonna have to show off for her a bit... and that does not ring well for the likes of you... but i'm not telling you anything you don't already know...
Don't hate the Gator... HATE THE BAIT!!!
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:04:25 GMT -5
(CTG is in the locker room with the AYUFF. Semaj drinking tea, the dragons taping up for the tag match, AA relaxing in a corner, and a grumbling Beast standing next to a large hole in the wall and some badly mangled lockers)
CTG: (pacing as he talks) Guys, we may be completely out of the tournament, but I'm not about to see us lay down and die. Tonght we have a chance to send a message to the Ministry and the Establishment that we don't take our losses lightly! We are the #1 FACE FACTION IN THE OOWF (tm Hardbody Harris) We've got some momentum to build! Semaj, Let me start with you. I'm glad to see you back, I had been worried about you in your international travels. Why you're tagging with Thim I don't understand, but watch yourself in your tag match.
Semaj: I'm just returnin a favor for 'im.
CTG: fair enough! AA, if I can take out Endo, I know you can!
AA: (smirking) Trust me, it's already done.
CTG: (Looking at Beast) I'm sorry about what happened last week, man. But I also wanted to thank you for not clobbering me when no one else was around and those chickensh*ts fled after the cage match.
Beast: (pouts, lowers head)
CTG: but remember, FF is new here, so he has to.... you know.... "pay his dues"?
Beast: YEAH~!!!
CTG: That's more like it! Dragons, you guys got the Gimmicks tonight - Gimmickman and "Billboard" Mark Vander. I trust you'll have that well in hand.
Dragons: (nodding)
CTG: As for myself, I have GatorBait to deal with. He wants my title? Oh no, this isn't going anywhere! (pats the belt) Cause this in not only a title, it's a ticket - an E pass straight to the OOWF Title! I will GET that title shot if I have to crawl through barbed wire, swim through acid and swing by my ankles over Canadian Dragon's safe! We will all succeed because we are~?
(Silence)
CTG: (hands on hips) Hey, not MY fault you people won't come up with a name! We got each other's backs, right!
Others: Right~!
CTG: We're gonna give the new manager something to be PROUD of when it comes to the OOWF, right?
Others: RIGHT!!
CTG: WE're gonna give these monkeys something to remembers us by tonight in that ring, RIGHT~?
Others: RIGHT!!
Beast: YEAH~! YEEEEEEEAAAAH~~~!! (charges through some lockers and nearly brings down an entire wall)
CTG: (points) now THAT's what I'm talking about!
AA: That was my locker, man......
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:04:52 GMT -5
Westgaard pokes his head through the hole Beast just made:
JWW: Hey, uh can i talk to you guys for a second...we, you guys and myself, might have a big problem on our hands.
CTG: yeah c'mon in what's up?
cut to commercial
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:05:18 GMT -5
Minutes before the AYUF's meeting...
A lone camera man sighs as he can find nothing of interest in the abandonned corridor he ventured down. Suddenly, he spies a trail of dried blood stains. Following it, he comes across a caved in garage door. Preparing his camera, he films the following scene.
Black Dragon sits atop his fallen pupil's chest. His lip split and eye blackened, BD's smile seems oddly serene. SD moans as he too sports the effects of their show ending duel.
BD: You know it's not fair to them.
SD: Like...I....give....a damn.
BD: I guess neither of us was really listening the last time we had this conversation. Things will never be as they were. I accept that. Even before you shoved me off the ladder I had come to terms with it. But sentiment dies hard my young friend. And I'm still too damn sentimental about out times training together. We may never win another tag team championship together, but I'll be damned if I let you run wild. If this is about single's glory, then by all means, go for it. I can't really trust that you have my best interest at heart. But you can trust that I have yours. So whether we tag next week or not, I will be in your corner. And if we have to do this every week in every street of every city we visit, let's just say I don't mind the exercise. Now if you're done playing Mr. Bad Guy, let's go see what this meetings all about.
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:05:46 GMT -5
*Camera is zoomed in extremely close to Niles Anderson's face. He looks angry. Snarling, he begins to speak*
Niles - Well, it seems the time has come for me to do my duty for The Establishment. On one hand, I got Thim Reynolds, a "boy" I already beat in the ring. On the other, I have the master of flukes, Chris Alt going against one of my buddies in the Semi-Finals of the invitational. Seems everyone has been stepping to Docta Step lately. And that's always a recipe for disaster.
*Niles lets out a little smirk as the camera starts to zoom out, very slowly*
Niles - So you want more chairs to the head Thim. Well, that can be arranged. We'll get in the ring and I'll show you how skilled I am with a chair. I'll let you kiss it. Give it tongue if you want. You'll bleed for it for sure. You know the old saying "I'm a lover, not a fighter". Well I'm both.
*The camera is still zooming out. It is revealed that Niles is holding a steel chair. There is a blood stain on it. However, no one is in sight yet.*
Niles - I love the ladies. But I go by the motto of "always bring protection". Same goes for when I fight kids like you. Hence the chair. Hence me getting the backing of The Establishment: The hottest crew in wrestling today. So when someone steps to me...
*The camera is completely panned out and it is revealed that Chris Alt is in the corner, bloodied, afraid and tied up. Niles raises the chair and smashes it across his face for what we can only figure to be the umpteenth time.*
Niles - I sure as f*** step back. You want me in an Elimination Chair match, fine. I'll do it. And you'll end up like Mr. Fluke right here.
*Niles bashes Chris Alt in the head once again. He's out cold with this shot. Blood sprays on to the camera and it zooms in on Niles face again. He wipes some of the blood off the lens before he resumes his speech.*
Niles - However, you and me both know that it doesn't end there. Not in a tag match. No, I'll want you one-on-one again. Because I am undefeated in singles competition. I may have lost by countouts and DQ's, but I have yet to be pinned or tap out in the ring. That's when we test how much of a man you are. No hiding behind Semaj B. No jumping out from the rafters and causing me to get counted out. The tag match is on. But this ends when I say it ends.
*Fade to black as Niles snarls at the camera.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:06:17 GMT -5
* The video cuts in to see Attitude Adjuster angrily setting up a video camera and tripod. It looks like he’s in a locker room…Yep, that’s definitely the AYUF’s locker room. You can tell by the huge hole in the wall where the lockers use to be. AA turns to the camera. *
Moosehead, Endo, I know The Establishment is behind this! I cut the most intense promo of my career yesterday and now it’s gone! It was worthy of an Emmy, probably the first Emmy ever to be won by a wrestling program, and now it’s gone! You can try to injure me, spill my blood, cost me matches. That’s all fine. But when you start messing with my acting career, that’s crossing the line!
Moosehead, that’s twice now you’ve been lucky and defeated me. Believe me, that’s in my datebook and I’ll get back to you. But Endo, who do you think you are? We had a contract, a signed contract, and you broke it! You attacked me not once, but twice at Midweek Mayhem. Thought it was pretty funny locking me in that pathetic little claw hold of yours, huh? I could have broke that in a second had I wanted to. Instead, I’ll let you think you have a nice little submission hold there.
Meanwhile, I’m in the gym, doing my curls, strengthening my claw, so when I slap in on your little pee-brain head this week it won’t be about submission Endo. It won’t be about blood loss. It’s won’t be about cranial cosmetic surgery. It will be about your brains popping out your ears like a 14-year-old’s nose zit hitting the computer screen while he’s downloading Ashley Simpson songs!
CTG: Come on AA, there’s other people here. That’s sick!
SD & BD: Yeah, even we agree about that.
Semaj: ‘at’s bloody disgustin’.
Thim Reynolds: Actually, I can relate to that.
* Everyone stops and stares at Thim. AA finally shakes it off and continues his promo. *
Endo, you’re lucky you’re not here right now. (We hear Concrete under his breath, “I really wish I wasn’t either.”) If you were, I’d slap my claw on your melon head and squash it like a …like a …um…
Thim: A melon?
AA: (deflated) Yeah, a melon. (turns back to the camera). Endo, this is all your fault! My other promo was so much better, and I’m sure you’re the one who crashed the boards and ruined it. You will pay for that!
AA walks toward the camera and locks the claw on the camera lens. “You like that Endo? You feel that? This is me crushing your skull this Wednesday!
The camera topples over with AA still applying the claw. “Give up Endo! Submit! Submit! Subbbbbmmmmiiiiitttttttt!!!!!!!!!”
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:06:44 GMT -5
[Cameras follow Carl Coolname into Chris Alt's locker room as he is getting ready for his big semifinal match.]
Coolname: "ALLRIGHT, YOUR GOING FOR IT ALL!!!"
[Alt looks up at Carl.]
Alt: "I dont have tim......."
[Coolname puts his hand up before Alt can finish.]
Coolname: "I know i'm not that great a wrestler and I don't always act like I care but just wanted to say, I was proud to be your tag team partner. If you win or you lose, i'll still have your back no matter what. Maybe one day Revolution X will reunite to get that number 1 contenders shot. Until then, go get you some of the World Heavyweight Title."
[Alt looks stunned at the seriousness of Coolname. Carl extends his hand and Alt takes it as the two shake hands. Carl turns around to leave but stops before leaving.]
Coolname: "One more thing, whats the number for sexy female journalist 14, OH YEAH!!!!!"
[Alt laughs as Carl Coolname leaves the locker room struting his stuff for all the sexy female jounralists.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:07:58 GMT -5
[Johnny Adrenaline is seen slowly walking around the backstage area. He's looking over his shoulders and all around to make sure there's nobody watching, and he comes across a door with the General Manager nameplate. Johnny takes another look around, sees nobody, and walks right in. He sees a desk, a chair, but nothing else.]
JA: Hello...anybody here? It's Johnny Adrenaline. The first-ever OOWF Intercontinental Champion. Hello...?
[As Johnny snoops around, opening a few of the desk drawers, he backs away, and right into MooseheadJack.]
MHJ: What the hell are you doing here?
JA: Actually, YOU are just the man I was looking for.
MHJ: Cut the bullshit, Adrenaline. I know you're up to no good.
JA: And, who are you? All of a sudden, you're Mr. Goodie Two Shoes?
MHJ: You got about seven seconds to make a point before I kick your ass.
JA: Seriously, L.D. told me to find you, and I thought you might be around here. He wanted me to tell you something.
MHJ: Look, I've told L.D. I'll deal with him personally. I don't do business with pieces of crap like you , Johnny. Why'd he send you?
JA: Well, he's handling the other end of the business. Apparently, you and him talked about...
MHJ: Hey! You wanna say that on camera Johnny?
JA: [turns and looks at camera] Oh... well, he's doing some business.
MHJ: It better not involve a bathroom stall or I'll kick both your asses.
JA: He just wanted me to update you on our progress.
MHJ: Close the door.
JA: Okay. Say, who IS the new general manager?
MHJ: It's a long story...
[Johnny closes the door and the OOWF goes to pay some bills.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:08:29 GMT -5
Semaj and Thim ARE WALKING! backstage away from the Midweek Mayham matchlist.
SB: I'm not sure if the Elimination Chair (tm Niles "The Specimen" Anderson) tag match is the best way to go about all this. It's going to be absolutely brutal and I don't fancy undergoing reconstructive surgery.
TR: Don't worry man. Everything will be fine and it will give us another opportunity to take another limb from the Establishment. Moosecrotch will certainly take notice that we're crushing his mates, weakening his defences, and getting a whole lot closer to taking his hide.
SB: That may be true, but this match could come back and bite us in the bum. Niles and Morte are going to be 'ead'unting with their chairs and I don't know if one of us can take them both if the other is eliminated.
TR: It won't matter, either one of us can best them both. So we'll put them on the self and go after Moosey next, well I've got a client waiting so I'll see you in the ring later, we'll be fine tonight...Trust me.
Semaj starts to walk away and then turns back. SB: Whot did you say?
*Fade out*
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:08:59 GMT -5
five hundred trillion square ft 78 bedrooms 34 3/7 bathrooms 468 walls 453 holes
MTV cribs presents: the beast
the MTV cameras walk up the beast's cobble stone pathway to his front door. the beast answers the door, even though there was no knock.
Beast: oh. visitors. i didn't know you'd be coming today. well since you're here, let me give you a tour. first let me point out that this house was just recently remodeled, and i did it all myself. you'll notice there's no doors, but there's plenty of ways to get around. and if there doesn't seem to be opening, just make one. like so...
the beast crashes through a wall into a nice big living room.
B: this is actually the first time i've entered this room since the big remodeling, which you can tell from the previously intact wall. this is my game room. you'll see an air hockey table over there. unfortunately we cant play cuz we haven't been able to come to terms with the paddle's association. but we can play all the ping-pong you want. their paddle's association has been much more reasonable. there's also a series a pinball machines, skee-ball, and the biggest dance dance revolution machine you'll ever see. now, lets go check out the kitchen
cut to:
B: here's my kitchen. it doesn't get much use since i'm on the road so much, but lets see whats in the fridge anyway...
beast opens fridge door
B: ahh yes. a typical bachelor's fridge. a fully roasted turkey, some left over fillet mignon, fresh vegitables and not a condement in sight. heh heh. will us bachelors ever learn to eat right?
cut to:
B: and here we are, the master bedroom. this is where all the magic happens. literally. if you come over here you can see my magic set i picked up at toys r us. i do all my practicing in here. watch me make this ball disappear.
the beast attempts to make the ball disappear but sadly fails.
B: well... whatever... i'm still practicing. hey. let's go check out the garage.
the beast does a little jump up and on the way down crashes right through the floor to the garage below us.
B (from the level below): hey! come on down here!
cut to:
the camera enters the garage through the garage doors from the outside
B: took you guys long enough. look at the size of it. huge, huh. it would look pretty nice with some cars in it, wouldn't it. unfortunately i dont have any. i rent cars. that's life on the road. guess this wasn't that great of a stop on the tour, huh. oh well. oh, i know! let's go to my favorite room in the house.
cut to:
B: and here it is. my trophy room. and why is this my favorite room in the house? because it holds my prized posession. right here, behind this 6 inch bullet proof glass and the most sophisticated security system in the world, is teh power saw i borrowed form donnie viper to build all this. that's right! not only am i not giving it back to him, but i have it here on display to show the whole world how i PUNK'D him. yeah! take that viper! if you want this back, you'll have to fight me for it!
cut to:
B: well that's my house. hope you liked it. now get off my property before i call the police you trespassers! HA!
the beast waves goodbye as the cameras head backwards on that familiar cobble stone pathway and the cameras fade out.
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:09:23 GMT -5
Viper is watching Hardbody Harris's promo on the monitor.
DV: Hey, boss, check this out!
UD: What the hell is he doing?
DV: Resting in grease, like you told him too! This is some funny shit!
UD: He'll get acne doing that, you know. I can't believe that bastard would mock me that way.
DV: Man, that's some charisma. Listen to how they cheer him. The audience always boos me. You, Corax, and HEllion get cheered, but I always get booed, what the hell?
UD: Thats because you're an asshole.
DV: But so is Harris. He's not exactly nice, but he's the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF!
Corax slowly walks by and quickly utters: Homo.
DV: I AM NOT A HOMO! (not that there's anything wrong with that) Look at this guy, he's funny, he's good looking, and he gets all the chicks! I'm the champion, and I only get play from the sluttier SFJs.
UD: And what's wrong with that?
DV: Dude, these SFJs are so slutty, they'll sleap with anyone. Even the Beast.
Corax shouts from the other room: TURN IT ON TO MTV!
Viper switches the monitor to Music Television to see The Beast's edition of MTV Cribs.
DV: Aw crap! My power saw! Hey, wait, that's what he wanted it for?
UD: He's a strange individual.
DV: Yeah. That's not even really my power saw. I borrowed it from you when you dissappeared.
UD: What?!?!?
DV: Well, I didn't know when you were coming back, so I used it to make a coffeetable. Hey, don't worry, man! I'm the champ! I can get us a new one! Or... wait...
UD: ?
DV: Why don't you call a stipulation? I mean, Hardbody's gotta have one to have made that casket, yeah? (Damn, he's one hell of a handyman, too!). How about if you put a stipulation on the match?
UD: ?
DV: You win the match, he gives you his power saw. You lose, you give him.... I dunno... your hat?
UD: My hat?!?! I love my hat!
DV: Fine. Let him make his stipulation, then. But your hat would go great with his shoes. Damn, he's got nice shoes. I'm the champ, I should wear shoes like that.
Hellion walks by towards the room Corax is in and utters: Homo.
DV: GODDAMMIT!
Viper runs after Hellion as the camera fades out.
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:25:22 GMT -5
*Hardbody watches the Ministry on the tv screen, rubbing his chin not once, not twice, but thrice in deep thought. OOWF's new interviewer The Count walks up.*
The Count: Hardbody, you're the #1 (One! Ha ha ha ha *lightning and thunder follow*) seed in the tournament. You're facing Underdawg next week in perhaps ze most marquee match of ze tournament. Vat are your thoughts?
Hardbody: Well, there's no doubt that it's going to be the fight of the tournament. And that little backstage interview had me thinking. Viper wants to make a stipulation that if Underdawg wins, he gets my powersaw. You see, he thinks it's just a regular powersaw that I bought at home Depot or stole from Leatherface. But it's not. My powersaw is very special. It's one of the only things I have from my father, who died before I ever saw him.
I've never shown this footage before, but I think it needs to be shown. This is from my youth (I'm not sure how old), and one day I was visited by a scary-sounding man that knew my father. I couldn't help but listen. Roll tape.
*The screen shows slightly grainy footage of a soldier in civvies stooped down to camera level. He's holding something behind his back.*
Military Guy: Hello, little man. Boy I sure heard a bunch about you. See, I was a good friend of your Daddy's. We were in that Hanoi pit of hell over five years together. Hopefully, you'll never have to experience this yourself, but when two men are in a situation like me and your Daddy were, for as long as we were, you take on certain responsibilities of the other. If it had been me who had not made it, Major Harris would be talkin' right now to my son Jim. But the way it worked out is I'm talkin' to you, Hardbody. I got somethin' for ya.
*The Captain pulls a Powersaw out from behind his back.*
Military Guy: This Powersaw I got here was first purchased by your great-granddaddy. It was bought during the First World War in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee. It was bought by private Doughboy Ernie Harris the day he set sail for Paris. It was your great-granddaddy's war Powersaw, made by the first company to ever make Powersaws. You see, up until then, people just used plain ol' handsaws. Your great-granddaddy used that Powersaw every day he was in the war. Then when he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, took Powersaw off from around his neck and put it in an ol' coffee can. It was a big can. And in that can it stayed 'til your grandfather Dane Harris was called upon by his country to go overseas and fight the Germans once again. This time they called it World War Two. Your great-granddaddy gave it to your granddad for good luck. Unfortunately, Dane's luck wasn't as good as his old man's. Your granddad was a Marine and he was killed with all the other Marines at the battle of Wake Island. Your granddad was facing death and he knew it. None of those boys had ny illusions about ever leavin' that island alive. So three days before the Japanese took the island, your 22-year old grandfather asked a gunner on an Air Force transport named Winocki, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son, who he had never seen in the flesh, his Powersaw. Three days later, your grandfather was dead. But Winocki kept his word. After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad's powersaw. This powersaw, the one I hold right now. This powersaw was on your Daddy's neck when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. Now he knew if the gooks ever saw the Powersaw it'd be confiscated, being a weapon and all. The way your Daddy looked at it, that Powersaw was your birthright. And he'd be damned if any slopeheads were gonna put their greasy yella’ hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide somethin'. His ass. Five long years, he kept this Powersaw up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the Powersaw. I hid with uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the Powersaw to you.
*He hands the Powersaw to child Hardbody, who looks at it in amazement. The video ends.*
*We return to present time. Hardbody wipes a tear from his eye, grabs the microphone from The Count, and stares his icy stare into the camera.*
"Ministry, you know nothing about pain, suffering, or Hell. My family was raised with death all around them. We're American Heroes, and we know more about sacrifice, prayer, and faith than any Ministry, including your own. You see what my family has gone through to make sure that I have a Powersaw. It's my most prized possession. But, I'm willing to put it on the line in our match, Underdawg; you win, you get it. But I've beaten you before, and I'll beat you always. So, when I win, you must give me the one thing that I don't have, something that's been out of my reach and inaccessible for my entire life. I know it means a lot to you, Dawg, but I must have it.
My powersaw may be on the line, but when I win my match, Underdawg, I will finally have in my grasp...a Tickle Me Elmo, the #1 CHRISTMAS TOY OF THE 1996 HOLIDAY SEASON! It will finally be mine.
I'll see you at Midweek Mayhem. I'll bring the saw, you bring the doll.
*Hardbody drops the microphone and walks off. The Count picks it up and starts counting Sexy Female Journalists.*
"2,203 SFJ's. Ha ha ha ha! (Thunder and lightning)
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:26:21 GMT -5
(the camera is in the back of the Climax, Saskatchewan Arena, we see Johnny Adrenaline emerge from his meeting with MHJ, surprisingly, not bloodied, but with a serious look on his face)
SFJ21: Johnny can I have a word with you JA just walks by, not even acknowledging SFJ SFJ21: Pompous ass rude motherfu....lets go see who is in the room
SFJ21 and cameraman barge in the dank, dingy room, MHJ is sitting behind a dilapidated old desk MHJ: Good Lord, what do you want NOW? SFJ21: AH HA! So you ARE the GM of the OOWF! MHJ: no, you dumb....what makes you say that? Because I am sitting at a desk? SFJ21: Well that, and you certainly seem to be the center of attention here lately, Harris and UnderDawg want you to add stips to their match, Thim wants you to add stips to his match, and everyone seems to think you are the one pulling the strings around here. MHJ: <Getting annoyed> LOOK, I am NOT the GM here, ok? Understand? I don't care what kind of stips UD and Harris add to their match, hell I hope those two clowns kill each other, just makes it easier for me to win the tournament. And as for Thim and Semaj, fine, whatever, seal their own fate, Niles and Morte will beat the hell out of them, throwing chairs into the mix only makes it easier. SFJ21: So what were you and Johnny talking about, I thought you hated Adrenaline. MHJ: Don't worry about what we were talking about, that is certainly none of your business. I will say this, Johnny, you and I have had our differences, I still have not forgotten about that tag match, or when you walked away and went home to pout. That said, I am a big man, I can forgive past mistakes. But let me tell you this, if things fall as they may, and if I can not count on you 100%, or if, God Forbid, you pull some crap like you did before, I will end your career, that is not a threat, that is a promise.
Trust me
<fade out>
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:27:16 GMT -5
Viper is watching Hardbody Harris's promo on the monitor.
DV: Hey, boss, check this out!
UD: He wants a what?
DV: Tickle Me Elmo doll! Haha, what a fag.
UD: But I don't have one. I don't even want his powersaw, that was your idea. I can just go and buy a new one anyway.
DV: You'll beat Harris anyway. I'm sure of it. (even though you didn't last time(
Underdawg glares at Viper.
UD: This is proposterous. I don't even have a Tickle Me Elmo doll.
DV: You don't?
UD: Why would I? I'm an adult, and was one in 1996. I don't play with dolls.
DV: Then what are you gonna do?
UD: I'm going to take yours.
DV: You're going to what? But it's mine!
UD: And the powersaw you lent to Beast was mine.
DV: That's a whole different thing, though!
UD: Too bad. In fact, I'm going to head over to your house and get it now. Yoink!
Mist and smoke envelop the Ministry locker room. It clears out, leaving only Viper in the room.
DV: GODDAMMIT!
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:28:19 GMT -5
Mist and smoke envelop the Ministry locker room. It clears out, leaving only Viper in the room.
DV: GODDAMMIT!
suddenly the beast's head comes crashing through the wall.
Beast: homo
the beast removes his head from the hole int he wall and continues walking down the hall.
DV: i am not a homo!
viper realizes he screaming to no one.
DV: GODDAMMIT!
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:28:45 GMT -5
CTG: (peeks in through the hole in the wall that Beast made) Homo.
V: I AM NOT A HOMO~!!
CTG: Not what I heard.... (walks off)
V: DAMMIT!!!!! STOP IT ALREADY!
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:29:12 GMT -5
*Hardbody Harris walks by, and pokes HIS head in the hole.*
HH: Heterosexual.
DV: I AM NOT A HETEROSEXUAL!
HH: HA! Tricked you! (Leaves)
DV: Great Googily Moogily.
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Post by mooseheadjack on May 30, 2008 14:29:41 GMT -5
[Johnny Adrenaline walks into his dressing room and finds...nobody.]
JA: L.D.? Hey man, you in here? [Johnny gets no answer.] Oh well...
[Johnny grabs his bag and begins unpacking it. And since there's nobody else around, he begins singing...]
JA: And I remember how you loved me.... Time was all we had until the day we said goodbye....
[L.D. Williams quietly walks in.]
JA: And I remember every moment.... of those endless summer nights.
LDW: Man, you gotta learn some new songs.
JA: [startled] Where've you been?
LDW: Handling business. Where else would I be?
JA: And?
LDW: It's on. The plan is in place.
JA: Good. I talked to Moose.
LDW: And?
JA: Well, other than him telling me that he would rather deal with you[/], he was cool about it. Loved the idea.
LDW: Great. You know we're actually tagging up this week?
JA: Yeah, I saw that. Do you want to take care of Westgaard for good tonight, or should we leave some for the PPV?
LDW: Let's leave a little for the PPV. And speaking of the PPV, guess what I heard about you...
JA: About me? What?
[L.D. shuts the door and the camera fades to black.]
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