OOWF Doomy Doomy Doom Doom 6 PPV

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF Doomy Doomy Doom Doom PPV
Live! From Houston, Delaware

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Non-Title Sadistic Madness Match[/u]
Poe vs. Alexander Darling

OOWF Intercontinental Title Finishers Match[/u]
Stank vs. Davin Moreland

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
kz vs. The Midnight Sons

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Matt Folz vs. Firewoman

OOWF Invitational Tag Team Tournament Finals[/u]
Team TEaM vs. Team Fuel

IHOP vs. Concrete TG, Ravenna Blue & Outback Jack

Card subject to.......what the hell goes on in Delaware?

[mooseheadjack]

(Tytan and Eco are celebrating their win over kz when the are met up with SFJ#2.2)

SFJ: Team TEaM you just got a win over the tag team champs and are onto the Invitational Finals what are your thoughts?

Tytan:(Grabbing the mic from her.) kz...what did I tell you. I told you the first step was beating you in this tournament. You see work smart not hard.(Points to his head and Eco points to his.) You were outsmarted...we had an extra set of eyes watching our backs. Matt Folz you showed that you are family. That is something I take very seriously, I am offering in your next match to be down and ringside and watch your back. Who knows Firewoman better then me?
But, Rocky and Bullwinkle we said what we would do. We did step one. Now it's only a matter of time before we take those belts from you.

Eco: But first we take on Team Fuel...

(Tytan laughs)

Tytan: Why do we have to keep on taking these guys on?

Eco: Hey they are a good team.

Tytan: But we are now focused and better then ever.

Eco: True, and you will be the first person to win the Invitational two years in a row with different partners.

Tytan: That is pretty cool.

Eco: So Fuel Sunday your ride will be over....

Tytan: Eco I got a better one...

Eco: Go ahead then.

Tytan: So Fuel on Sunday consider your tank empty...

Eco: That was pretty good...Cheesy as hell...

(Just then KayFabe comes running into their locker room.)

KayFabe: No...stop it...stop it...stop it...I like you guys, I don't want to have to hurt you. Please cut the cheese!

(Tytan and Eco both laugh)

Tytan: She said "cut the cheese"

Eco: Are you really sure you want us to do that?

Tytan: We have been eating Taco Bell.

Kayfabe: (Trying to keep her head from exploding) Arrghhh! That's it

(Kayfabe then runs out of the locker room.)

Eco: I wonder where she went.

Tytan: I don't know if I want to be here and find out.

Eco: Good point. I'll get the car.

(FADE)

[mooseheadjack]

Firewoman is SITTING~! in Chamber V trying to wrap her rib bandages herself, since Lucky is off doing general manager things.

SG: Here, want me to help?

FW: No. Go away.

SG: You have blood on your face.

FW: Folz's.

SG: I like it.

FW: You would.

Firewoman coughs and a little bit of blood appears in the towel she used to cover her mouth.

SG: I don't like that.

FW: Neither do I.

Selena looks for a minute, and then wanders off. She comes back dragging Moosehead Jack by the hand. Moose is limping a bit, but is much better than he was. She points to Firewoman, looks at Moose.

SG: Take care of her.

Selena walks back to her room, while Moose and Fire stare at her.

FW: Really?

MHJ: She didn't tell me what she wanted.

FW: Obviously, or you wouldn't be here.

MHJ: That's not 100% true--

FW: It's 95% true. I can't think of a single time when you were --

MHJ: Let's not go down that road again, do you need anything or not?

FW: Not.

MHJ: Fine..

Fire coughs up some more blood

MHJ: You could go to medical.

FW: And have them say I won't be cleared for Sunday? No way.

MHJ: Well, I sure as hell know not to try and talk you out of it. So I'm not even going to try.

FW: Good.

MHJ: ....

FW: ....

MHJ: .....

FW: What?

MHJ: Do you need... well, if you can't get that, and --

FW: I don't need anything. Wait, scratch that. I need fifteen more minutes in the ring with Folz. Actually, I don't even think I need that much.

MHJ: That's more like it.

[mooseheadjack]

<Later in Chamber V Moose is sitting watching OOWFtv. He is the only one in the Chamber until Selena comes skipping in from her room. She immediately spots a big box on the table wrapped in a bow>

SG: Uncle Moose......what's this?

MHJ: Dunno, what does it say?

<Selena looks and her eyes get big>

SG: It says its for me!

MHJ: Ok, so...........open it

<Selena opens the box and we see it is the pink barbed wire bat>

SG: ITS THE BAT YOU USED ON FOLZ!!!!!!!

MHJ: Yup

SG:<reading something on the bat> "To Mouse From Moose, Happy Hunting!"

<Selena unleashes a girlish scream and hugs Moose then gets an evil look in her eyes and heads back to her room>

MHJ: Now that that is out of the way.......Team TEaM, you won. <sarcastic clapping> Congratulations, you won a meaningless match in a tournament that doesn't mean a damn thing. Tytan, you want to call us out and claim this as some sort of victory? Well you go right ahead and do that. The fact remains, WE are still the OOWF World Tag Team Champions. Tonight, tonight was the closest you will EVER get to taking these titles from us.

Trust me

[mooseheadjack]

Matt Folz limping off, happening by the unfortunate production assistant who's holding the Onslaught Belt. Glaring at the PA as he grabs the belt off his shoulder, but ultimately letting him walk away without harm.

Looking into the camera:

"Tytan, Eco, if your offer stands, I'd like to officially become part of Team TEaM. think it over and let me know. I have an idea for our first match that we'll talk about later. I am going home, this will be the last time someone sees me before Sunday."

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland, Samantha Darling-Moreland and Moonbeam are leaving the arena. Davin is dressed, but holding ice to his forehead. He turns to the ninja cam.*

DM: Stank the Irrelevant Fatty...How's yer knee? Feeling good? Just like the good old days when Davin Moreland and Stank the Irrelevant Fatty used to tear the house down. But Davin Moreland knows that knee is Stank the Irrelevant Fatty's weakness. See, when you're overweight, more stress is placed on the knee. And when that knee has been put in the Sharpshooter numerous times, when Davin Moreland has punished that knee over and over and over again...well...it's a weakness. Davin Moreland knows it. Davin Moreland is a cerebral wrestler. Davin Moreland is a student of the game. Davin Moreland is Stank the Irrelevant Fatty's worst nightmare.

DM: Davin Moreland told you that if Davin Moreland wanted the OOWF Intercontinental Championship, Davin Moreland would take it. Davin Moreland, instead, felt it was more important to send a message. Davin Moreland can beat Stank the Irrelevant Fatty, knows how to do it, and can do it whenever he wants.

DM: Davin Moreland has decided that Davin Moreland would like the OOWF Intercontinental Championship now, adding yet another chapter to his future first-ballot Hall of Fame credentials at Doomy Doomy Doom Doom VI *cheap pop*. So Lucas, shine that puppy up real nice and kiss it goodbye. It's the last time Stank the Irrelevant Fatty is going to see it.

DM: Davin Moreland noticed you were on crutches as you left the arena, Lucas. Davin Moreland hopes that knee doesn't hurt too badly, because, as you're well aware; Davin Moreland still has friends on the Board of Directors. So regardless of what our new Puppet General Manager might say, Davin Moreland has assured that Stank the Irrelevant Fatty must compete at Doomy Doomy Doom Doom. No excuses.

DM: Because I'm Davin Moreland and it is what it is. Too bad if you don't like it.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

*Fade in* to Team Fuel preparing for their big match on PPV.

Chris "Lionheart" Evans: We've taken Team Team out before, we can do it again.

"Bulletproof" Bryce Larson: I know! And we totally should! I know the best places to go. I mean, the show is right around the corner from my home town.

C"L"E: Well, that's not what I--

"B"BL: Granted, it's Delaware, so everything's around the corner from everything! I mean, the state's just so fucking small! If you blink, you'll miss it. I lived near the border in Christiane...well shit, I guess everyone in Delaware lives near the border!

C"L"E: We're not taking them out...like on a date or or a night on the town or anything. We need to take them out, as in beat them.

"B"BL: What?! No wonder you're single...

*Fade out*

[mooseheadjack]

(Ecosystem walks into the frame as the fade rises back up.)

Eco: Evening boys.

C"L"E: The hell do you want?

Eco: Easy. If I had come with malicious intent, I would have brought the big guns.

"B"BL: You were going to shoot us?! Over a tournament?!

C"L"E: I think he means Tytan and Matt.

Eco: Us hippie blue-staters don't carry actual guns. Anyway, just wanted to congratulate you both on beating the Midnight Sons. Those two are friends of mine, but I couldn't help but admire your...well, your Work Smarter mentality.

C"L"E: Excuse me?

Eco: Bryce's laser pointer? Genius. I wish I was that brilliant on a regular basis.

"B"BL: Oh yeah...*shifty eyes*...that was a good plan I had.

Eco: Anyway, let me be frank. You two are good. Damn good. But right now, you're playing with Fire...literally. You think you're following her lead, but you're really just enabling her.

C"L"E: Enabling her? Who was ever stopping her? She does what she wants.

Eco: That's the problem. Firewoman is an amazing woman who needs a hell of a lot of help. Folks like The Five, folks who want nothing but power and don't care or notice how that power corrupts and warps them, are the worst people for Fire right now. You've made a grave mistake in aligning yourself with them.

"B"BL: I don't think it's all that grave. I mean, it seems just like the kind of thing folks do in wrestling. Like, all the time. It's not even remarkable.

(Evans and Eco look at Larson.)

Eco: Whatever. Fuel...come Sunday...your tank will be empty.

C"L"E: Oh that is lame.

"B"BL: So lame.

Eco: It was good when Tytan said it!

C"L"E: Then leave it to him.

Eco: Fine. I actually have no interest in intimidating you. I want to win this tournament for Tytan. Not for me. All I ask of you is that you think about what I said about Fire.

(Chris and Bryce look at each other.)

"B"BL: Thought about it. All done.

C"L"E: What he said.

(Fuel walks off.)

Eco: Bah. (turning to the camera) Moose, you called me Machiavelli last week. And Machiavelli and I have one thing in common--we scheme, and plot, and plan chicanery--for the success of others. I have no Prince though...I just have a Partner. That's all that drives me, and for you to compare my motivation to the last time I walked out of the company...

Well, that's just willfully ignorant. Because you forget, I had a partner then too.

And I wanted him to be happy.

His name was Moosehead Jack.

He decided he'd be happier with me gone.

And so I left.

Now I'm back.

And Matt...you have a deal. Welcome to the TEaM. Let's chat soon.

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank is icing his knee in The Five's locker room when he hears a knock at the door. He looks around, but no one else is nearby. With an irritated look on his face he opens the door. His expression doesn't get any better, as Outback Jack is standing there, holding a box*

S: What the hell do you want?

OBJ: Just brought a little present for Poe, to congratulate him on having his stooge save his title for him.

S: Even if I knew what you were talking about, I'd doubt that I'd care.

OBJ: No worries, mate, just give this to Poe.

*OBJ hand the box to Stank, who looks down in disgust*

S: A dead raven?

OBJ: He's not dead, he's pining for the fiords.

S: I am not going to be in a promo lifted from Monty Python.

*Kayfabe is seen scowling in the background*

OBJ: Well, in that case, remember how you let Spin take a shot at you, and then you said something about only your new mates being the only ones who could put you down? I was wondering if you'd let me have a go at it.

S: That wouldn't be a roll of quarters in your hand, would it?

OBJ : Trying to work smarter, mate.

*OBJ strolls off laughing*

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank shuts the door behind Outback Jack and tosses the box on a nearby counter. He limps back to his chair and settles down in it, carefully lifting his heavily bandaged knee into an elevated position. There is an icebag taped around it and water drips from it as the ice melts. Stank senses the INC man didn't leave with Outback Jack. Stank smiles as his knee throbs with pain.*

Stank - Well Moreland the Domesticated Doughboy. Once again we do this same dance. And just like last time you will fail in taking me out. Let me save you months of endless "How's the knee?" inquiries and just tell you flat out my knee hurts. It hurts bad. You see when you're overweight more stress is placed on the knee. Especially when a damn near seven foot domesticated doughboy of questionable intellect has it wrapped in a devastating sharpshooter. But as with most injuries they do eventually heal. And rest assured I will be healed enough to beat your ass at Doomy Doomy Doom Doom. I would ask "How's the back?" but unlike me you don't sel- I mean you're only interested in putting over your ow- I mean I guess I didn't wrench back hard enough on my submission move to do much damage. Something I intend to correct should you find yourself wrapped up in it again.

As for you Davis Hightower... Without a public, Medicare-like option, health care reform is a bandaid for a system in critical condition. There's no way to push private insurers to become more efficient and provide better value to Americans without being forced to compete with a public option. And there's no way to get overall health-care costs down without a public option that has the authority and scale to negotiate lower costs with pharmaceutical companies, doctors, hospitals, and other providers thereby opening the way for private insurers to do the same. But... and I can not stress this enough... it's an OPTION IDIOT! That means if YOU don't want to use it... DON'T! You FUCKING INCOMPETENT sorry excuse for a REFEREE!

What is it about the word OPTION that you DON'T underSTAND??

<fade>

[mooseheadjack]

(Spin Hansen is sitting in the Destroyitarium. Spencer Darling is having an animated discussion with Ashley, who's taking a break between sets.)

Adam the Bartender: Something on your mind, boss?

SH: Just trying to keep my shit together after we got FUCKED out of a win.

AtB: Still, it isn't all bad. You've got a match for the Tag Team Championships against kz on one of the biggest stages of them all...

SH: D.H. and I are as ready as anyone can ever get against Moose and Williams. No amount of tape study will help because the two of them show no predictable patterns aside from one... trying to cause as much pain as humanly possible.

AtB: No bold proclamations?

SH: When you're fighting kz, you don't make bold proclamations. Moose and L.D. love nothing more than playing mind games with you, even if most of those mind games involve the words "blood", "pain", and "trust". You don't go in expecting a clean victory. You go in with one goal in mind... surviving. If you've got the right combination of skill and luck, you might even be able to outlast them. (He grins.)

AtB: What's the grin for?

SH: Because Mags and I have survived them once before. We know that we've got a shot at doing it again.

(Spin's phone rings.)

SH: Why the hell would he be calling me?

(The screen fades as Spin answers the phone...)

[mooseheadjack]

<we cut to the Chamber V locker room and see Moose at Firewoman's door. He tries to open it, but naturally it is locked, so he bangs on the door>

FW: What?

MHJ: Let me in

FW: No

MHJ: Let me the fuck in stubborn ass

FW: And if I don't?

MHJ: I'll kick the door off the hinges and come in anyway

<long pause>

FW: Say please

MHJ: What?

FW: Say please

MHJ: Screw you

FW: Then go away

MHJ: FINE! Please may I kick the door off the hinges?

FW: <fire chuckles slightly> Jerk

<The lock clicks and the door opens to reveal Jericho standing there in Moose's way. Behind Jericho Fire is resting, her ribs heavily taped. Jericho speaks in a voice low enough so Fire can't hear>

CJ: What do you want Moose?

MHJ: Not to talk to you for one

CJ: Save the sanctimonious bullshit Moose. I have seen you, I know what you are about. You are no different than.......

MHJ: Save it Jericho, I am not some WWE puppet, I don't really give a shit what you have to say. Now, on your way out, why don't you make sure Fire's bike is fueled up?

CJ: I wasn't leaving

MHJ: Yeah, you kinda were. I need to talk to Fire..............alone

<Jericho looks over his shoulder at Fire>

FW: What?

CJ: Uhhh.........nothing, I am going to check on the bike, you want something from Ric's?

FW: The usual

<Jericho leaves and Moose walks in and hands Fire a coffee and sits down>

MHJ: So how are the ribs?

FW: Sore. How bout your ankle?

MHJ: Getting better. You know, Sabu, you need to lay off the firesaults

FW: Is that............concern?

MHJ: HELL NO! Just sayin........another punctured lung is going to put you on the shelf for a long time, especially since you didn't let it heal enough the last time

FW: I'll be fine

MHJ: Uh huh. So, another match with Folz for you this week?

FW: Yeah. Five more minutes and I would have had him

MHJ: Folz is tough

FW: And I'm not?

MHJ: No cupcake, you are a girl

FW: FUCK YOU!

MHJ: Well when you ask stupid shit.......of course you are. You wouldn't be with us if you weren't. Just remember, onslaught rules, keep that temper of yours in check

FW: I don't have a temper, I don't know what you are talking about

MHJ: Right. Hi, I'm Moose, evidently you think we have never met

FW: Sarcasm? Really?

<Another long pause passes between them>

FW: I owe Folz for what he did to your ankle too, don't think I have forgotten that

MHJ: Of course not, you are a Quinn, we have long memories.

FW: That reminds me <getting up slowly> I have somewhere to go

MHJ: Is that really a good idea? Do you need bar fights now?

FW: No, none of that, maybe. I need to go talk to someone.

MHJ: Who?

FW: Father Huddleston

MHJ: Who?

FW: Long story. Did Jericho say he was going to check the bike?

MHJ: Yeah

FW: Ok good. While I am gone, if you see Folz, hands off unless he starts it. After today, what I do to him will be done with a clear conscious. I will have no excuses, I don't want any from him either

MHJ: Uh huh

<Fire shoves Moose out of the locker room and slams the door behind her, locking it. She walks past Moose wincing a bit with each step and heads into the OOWF Arena looking for Jericho>

[mooseheadjack]

(Spin Hansen hangs up the phone, shaking his head in bewilderment. He walks over to the bar, grabs a Newcastle, and walks down the Hallway of Random Encounters, muttering...)

SH: Laser pointer... unfuckingbelievable...

(He walks past IHOP talking about some song they downloaded for Rock Band. Not stopping, he shoots SYB a glare and keeps moving.)

SH: Gotta get my head straight...

(He walks past a delivery guy from Dunkin' Donuts headed to Davin Moreland's dressing room with a Box 'O Coffee...)

SH: Here goes nothing.

(The camera turns around to look at the door to Team TeAM's locker complex. He knocks on the door, which Ecosystem opens.)

Ecosystem: What's up, Spin?

SH: Let's talk.

(The screen fades...)

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland is BENT OVER, having some physical therapy done on his back. He's yelling, loudly, so apparently it hurts. Davin spots the Ninja Cam (stupid ninja)*

DM: Stank the irrelevant fatty....Davin Moreland OWWWW doesn't sell? Go fuck yourself. And Davin Moreland didn't see you polishing up his belt yet. Get on that, Lucas Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.

*More yelling before heat packs are applied and Davin is taped up*

DM: Also, Lucas Fatty Fatty Fat Fat, if you weren't such a FUCKING MORON you would have just told that simpleton Hightower that the Public Option is simply Medicare Part E. Medicare for Everyone. Dumbass. Sunday, me wanty Davin Moreland's belt, because I'm Davin Moreland and it is what it is. Too bad if you don't like it.

*fade*

*unfade*

DM: By the way...how's the knee?

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

We see Poe in the woods somewhre in Delaware (can't be THAT hard to find can it? It's Delaware) He takes a stick and draws the figure of a crucifix over some loose dirt, which appears to be a small grave. We can hear Selena grunting somewhere in the distance, but can not see her.

Poe: So, Outback Jack, you killed a defenseless Raven and gave it to be as a "gift". Legend holds that ravens are the messengers of the Underworld. Killing one is bad luck...but I know that means nothing to you. But trust me...Hel will remember...she always does.

Selena comes running into the shot with her brand new pink barbed-wire baseball bat.

Poe: Are you enjoying your gift from Moose, Goddess?

SG: Dude, it's awesome. I was knocking branches off trees with it. I even scared a squirrel. I love it! I even keep in my bed with me.

Poe: Do you need new sheets for your bed now?

Selena looks down.

SG: Yes

Selena's eyes light up.

SG: Can I use it on the Boy Sunday? Can I, can I, please please please?

Poe: No Goddess, the weapon is for your protection from creetons like him. You leave his pain and suffering to me.

Selena pouts, and then drops to her knees next to Poe and the small grave.

SG: Poor birdie. No telling what Backpack Jack did to him.

Poe is silent for a moment.

Poe: Perhaps what I will do to Jack if we ever cross paths in the ring again...and Boy...

Poe stares into the camera he obviously knew was there the entire time.

Poe: ...you should be so lucky if that's all I do to you. Your time in this company, nay, this Earth will soon be passed.

Poe points to the grave.

Poe: Quothe the Raven...Nevermore

[mooseheadjack]

***Some time later***

Poe, with Selena by his side, holding her pink barbed wire bat over her shoulder, knocks on GMtheLucky's door.

GMtL: It's open...wait, someone knocked?

Poe opens the door and they enter.

GMtL: I trust she won't use it, but Poe, she's unstable, so please have her put the bat down in my office.

Selena looks to Poe with a look of anger on her face.

SG: What does he mean "unstable"?

Poe: Goddess, have a seat and sit the bat down at your feet. Mr. Lucky and I have some business to discuss.

GMtheLucky crosses his arms.

GMtL: This will be a first. We have not spoken...well...ever I do believe.

Poe: So, Mr. GMtheLucky, I have an observation. Something I am not pleased with, and since I am the OOWF World Champion, my opinion should carry a little bit of weight, yes?

GMtL: Absolutely.

Poe: My match this Sunday, the World Title defense against the Boy. Tell me, besides winning that little gimmick match where he earned a title shot of his choosing, what has he doen to deserve a shot at me and my title.

GMtL: Well, Poe, I...

Poe: Nothing. In fact, that brief period of annoyance I suffered putting up with him in my locker room was due to the ineptness and general lack of success he was having here. So now, suddenly, he has a World Title shot in a Pay-Per-View Main Event against me...plus another shot whenever he wants??

GMtL: Yes, it does seem a bit...

Poe: So here's what I'm proposing Mr. GMtheLucky. Sunday, the Boy gets his match. I understand it is too late to change the card. However, this will be his "cash in". If he does not wish to use his "cash-in" then the match will no longer be a title shot, because frankly, he does not deserve it.

GMtL: I will take your proposal into consideration Poe.

Poe nods and stands.

Poe: Yes, I believe you will. And if you ever need anything, feel free to contact the Five.

GMtL: Yes, I've been told that before.

Poe nods again and offers his arm to Selena, how acts like she's waking up.

SG: Sorry, I was bored.

[mooseheadjack]

*Outback Jack is enjoying a beer in the Destroyitarium when SFJ33 appears over his shoulder*

SFJ: Outback Jack, it seems like you have unfinished business with Poe.

OBJ: Well, as long as he's part of The Five, I suppose I will. But at the moment...

*OBJ's eyes roll up, and suddenly he morphs into Jack of the Hinterlands*

Jack: Poe, I've been watching you, watching you for a long time. I knew you sent your fetch at me, so I killed it. That's right. Don't play innocent with me. I know all about ravens. As for the underworld, they don't want me because they're afraid I'll take over. Meanwhile, I know The Boy is still your pawn. Jack didn't figure it out by himself. I did. I saw the raven following us, spying on us, watching us, playing innocent. It's death is on you. I'm going to sit back while Jack tags with the hero and the sheila, but I'll be watching you.

*Outback Jack shudders, and drains a beer, but doesn't say anything*

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank limps painfully over to the bar in Chamber V and orders a drink. He rubs an area beneath a brace which has been fitted over his taped, right, knee. Greg the Bartender walks to the back as SFJ#2 approaches.*

Stank - Jessica.

SFJ#2 - Davin Moreland had some strong words for you.

Stank - Oh yeah? What now?

SFJ#2 - He called you fat.

Stank - Wow. Anything else?

SFJ#2 - He said you were a moron for not mentioning to Hightower that the Public Option is simply Medicare Part E.

Stank - Hightower is too dumb to understand the word "option". How the fuck am I supposed to get him to understand what Medicare Part E means?

Davis Hightower - C'MON man?? Why you got to go and call a brotha dumb?

*Hightower who had been drinking at the bar plops some bills down and stands up to leave.*

Stank - This is NOT the Destroyitarium Hightower! Only The Five and their staff, Plus Two, and members of the OOWF media are allowed in here!

*Firewoman pops her head out.*

FW - And NOBODY'S ALLOWED in MY LOCKEROOM!

*Firewoman slams her door shut.*

Stank - Yeah! What SHE said!

DH - FINE! You better just HOPE I'm not the referee for your match! YOU TOO Moreland! I heard you call me a "simpleton". I'm NOT dumb or a simpleton. I'm smart enough to know that it's not FAIR for the Government to compete with private insurance agencies?

Stank - WHAT??

DH - The federal government can hide inefficiencies in its administration and pull consumers from private insurance even if the government offers an INFERIOR product!

Stank - Is that REALLY your opinion or are you just regurgitating the emetic party line?

DH - What?

Stank - GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!

*Davis Hightower runs for the hills.*

Stank - I realize Chamber V is expansive, but the hills won't SAVE you Hightower! LEAVE through the FRONT DOOR!

*Hightower does an about face, runs past Stank, and out the door.*

Stank - Now... what was it that Davin was going on about?

SFJ#2 - He uh... he said...

*SFJ#2 pauses as she looks out over the dark hills of Chamber V. Lightning flashes over them highlighting the perpetual orange glow of a seemingly setting sun.*

SFJ#2 - How is it I never noticed that before?

Stank - Notice what?... oh THAT. Yeah, well... Poe sometimes forgets to close his locker room door.

*Stank limps painfully over and closes Poe's door as the sounds of rolling thunder boom over the hills... and a bell tolls in the distance.*

Stank - Pay no attention to that... back to the Domesticated Doughboy's comments.

SFJ#2 - Um... anyway... yeah, he called you fat.

Stank - Yes, Davin the mentally impeded, I have a rather large belly... and a fat ass. I'm a pretty large man... and none of that has kept me from winning championship titles in this company. Nor has it prevented me from holding on to said Championships for a very long time. It doesn't really surprise me that all Moreland can do is resort to fat jokes and spew forth the same drivel he always does. It's no surprise to me he wants desperately to prove that he is the better man because he knows he isn't nor could he ever be. He knows that his 3 reigns as OOWF World Champion do not equal to my 1... nor has he held the title that I currently own. This belt belongs to me, and The Five, Davin Moron... not you. You will recognize this now. ANd you will certainly recognize this after our match at Doomy Doomy Doom Doom.

Now Mr. Remedial, the most you have managed to do so far is amuse me and at worst, annoy the hell out of me. So I will take a page out of the Moreland rule book and use your own insults against you... regardless of their validity, weight, or reliability. *Ahem* Okay...You're a no-seller, a backstabber, a doughy ineffectual half-wit, and... let's see... oh yeah... *Batistalaughs* "How's the back?" Now engage in your favorite pastime and go fuck YOURself, biscuit. I imagine you find it better than fucking your wife.

SFJ#2 -Strong words from the OOWF Intercontinental Champion.

<Fade to commercial>

*Various images of an apocalyptic nature flash as a deep, grave, voice speaks. *

It sates itself on the life-blood of fated men, paints the powers’ homes with crimson gore. Black become the sun’s beams in the summers that follow, weathers all treacherous. Do you still seek to know? And what…?

*A bell tolls*

Doomsday is upon us.

*Images of various OOWF superstars battling one another in a delapidated setting.*

THIS SUNDAY! LIVE on Pay PER VIEW!

The OOWF presents...

Doomy Doomy Doom Doom 6!

Check your local listings!

<Fade>

[mooseheadjack]

An outside shot of St. Patrick's Church, Philadelphia shows a really expensive motorcycle parked out front, with a very attractive man in an expensive suit standing guard. He looks a little pale though, as if he's been scared half to death by the ride, which he in all likelihood was. The camera changes perspective, and we are inside, as Firewoman takes off her leather jacket, and drapes it on the pew, crosses herself, and then enters the confessional. Through more television magic, we are transported inside the confessional, which is, I know, kind of against the rules, but hey, we sat in on her "private" therapy sessions, too.

FW: Forgive me, Father for I have sinned. It's been.... um...... lemme think.....

Father Huddleston: Ten years. (Pretend he has your stereotypical Irish priest accent.)

FW: Huh?

FH: Ten years since your last confession my child.

FW: Really? Wait, isn't this supposed to be anonymous?

FH: Please...as if I didn't recognize you?

FW: Okay, let's just get on with it. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been... uh...

FH: Ten.

FW: Right...Ten years since my last confession.

FH: Right before you left for Japan.

FW: Right.... so.... wait, what comes next?

FH: How 'bout we ditch the formalities, child. I've followed your career since you left.

FW: Oh....so you know....

FH: Child...is there a commandment out there that you haven't broken?

FW: I'm sure there is....

FH: Let's go through the list, shall we?

FW: I don't think that's necessary, and that's not what I'm here to talk about. It's....I've....

FH: You haven't been exactly a Christian, so that takes care of one through four. I don't know why you're even here, given all that--

FW: Right...well, Vodun recognizes the saints, so it's CLOSE...

FH: Horseshoes and hand grenades, My child.. Now just listen.

Fire bows her head.

FW: Yes, Father.

FH: Let's see...burning down your father's house, that takes care of honoring your mother and father, although between you and me, it should have been done years ago...Do not murder?

FW: Well....thing is...I'm not actually sure. I don't think so--

FH: How can you not know for sure, my child?

FW: Attempted murder doesn't count, does it?

FH: Technically no, but it's not recommended...

FW: Then ... I think we can skip--

FH: Adultery? Coveting neighbor's wife?

FW: Skip those.

FH: Really? Who's that out there by the bike?

FW: OOWF Jericho is not WWE Jericho. We've established that clearly in chat.

Kayfabe knocks impatiently on the door.

FH: We'll put those in the maybe file. Stealing?

FW: Okay...yeah...

FH: Bearing false witness?

FW: Well, it depends on your interpretation. Technically that has to do with testifying in court, so I think I'm good there--

FH: Oh really? Does a certain sexual harassment case ring a bell?

FW: He TOTALLY touched my ass....um, I mean.....butt... I mean...

FH: Moving on...by my count you are nine for ten, and that tenth is a maybe....I'm not sure there's enough Hail Marys and Our Fathers...

FW: What I'm really here to talk to you about, Father...I guess it falls under "false witness"...

FH: The betrayals....

FW: ....

FH: I watch the show, my child.

FW: One wasn't even ... it wasn't supposed to... and now--

FH: But it was part of what you set in motion. And it got you reunited with your brother, which I know is something you've wanted for a long time.

FW: Shh....cameras.

FH: In here?

FW: It's kind of a thing...

FH: Oh yeah...right....

FW: Thing is...I'm not sure it would have happened any other way. My friends that I turned on would never have accepted...and then also it was for the greater good. They'll see that eventually.

FH: Mmm-hmmm....and Pha--

FW: It was probably better that it happened now, even though I didn't like it that way. He was too good for me, and too good to me. I would have just hurt him more in the long run.

FH: That doesn't have to be true, my child.

FW: But it is.

FH: Wait....now, you know how this works, my child. I could give you a whole bunch of Hail Marys, and you could say them. But unless you are truly sorry in your heart and soul, you are not absolved of anything.

Firewoman and Father Huddleston sit in silence for a while.

FW: You know what, Father. You're right. I'm not sorry.

FH: What?

FW: And I'm okay that I'm not sorry. In fact....Thank you, Father. I'm more ready than ever for Sunday.

FH: (making the sign of the cross) I can't grant you absolution.

FW: I know, Father. I understand.

FH: There's only one thing I ask, my child.

FW: Yes?

Father Huddleston makes a signal that they should step out of the booth. They do and he comes face to face with Firewoman, and he makes a fist.

FH: Kick Matt Folz's ass, and make him regret that he ever crossed an Irishman... or woman.

Firewoman's face brightens and she smiles broadly.

FW: Yes, Father.

She embraces the priest and practically skips out of the cathedral, barely remembering at the exit to genuflect and bless herself with holy water. She walks up to the motorcycle.

Y2J: Feel better?

FW: Much. Let's go.

Y2J: Can we go somewhere below light speed this time?

FW: We'll see...

The two put on their helmets, get on board and take off for Delaware.

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland is WATCHING~! OOWF-TV in Davin Moreland's Locker Room, presented by Dunkin' Donuts. Dunkin' Donuts, where Stank now has to pay double...it's the Davin Moreland Special...ONLY available at your local Dunkin' Donuts...America Runs on Dunkin'. Moonbeam is also there, with her hand in a bag of chips. Samantha Darling-Moreland isn't here because she's completely unnecessary to the promo*

SFJ420: Dude...why does she always say "strong words"?

DM: Because SFJ2 is a fucking moron. Must be because she hangs out with Fatty Goopy Fat Fat.

SFJ420: Did you wanna...

DM: No, you go ahead, Davin Moreland's got this.

SFJ420: Sweet.

*She grabs her lighter and heads to the other room*

DM: Stank, Davin Moreland has some news. Stank the Fatty Fat might want to sit down for...oh, who am I kidding? You're already sitting...See Fatty, Davin Moreland knows that Doomy Doomy Doom Doom 6 is a big PPV for the OOWF, so Davin Moreland thought it was necessary to have a stipulation in our match.

DM: Normally, to request as stipulation, Davin Moreland would simply go to the General Manager's office and ask. Well, unfortunately, the OOWF doesn't currently have a General Manager, so Davin Moreland was forced to go to Davin Moreland's good friends, the Board of Directors. Davin Moreland knows what you're thinking. The OOWF has a General Manager. Ah, don't be fooled. The Board of Directors is willing to play along with the charade the Ochocinco is currently running, but on important decisions, they said it was fine to go to them. So, Davin Moreland did.

DM: Davin Moreland asked for a stip. The Board of Directors granted a stip, but hey...it's not much of one. Stanky Fatty Donut Goop Fat, your match with Davin Moreland is now....a FINISHERS MATCH!!!

DM: Yeah. Davin Moreland knows. But it's something anyway. Stankity Fatily donuts himself up a Stank-U? Match over. Davin Moreland strikes from anywhere with the REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER, 2-time finisher of the year? Match over. And then Davin Moreland claims Davin Moreland's Intercontinental Championship, which Stank has been kind enough to keep shiny, warm and of course, fat for Davin Moreland.

DM: Let's see...Davin win, Fatty lose, names, no-selling, oh traitor was funny, good one, ummm, SFJ 2 is retarded...yeah that about covers it...oh, tagline...Because I'm Davin Moreland and it is what it is...Too bad if you don't like it.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

*Wally B King joins Outback Jack at the Destroyitarium bar*

WBK: I couldn't help but notice that Jack of the Hinterlands was a little more unstable than usual.

OBJ: No worries, Wally. Back of Beyond Jack is calming him down as we speak.

WBK: That's reassuring.

[mooseheadjack]

*Somewhere in MA*

A limo pulls up to a pretty nice house. As soon as the limo pulls to a complete stop, the front door to the house opens and Olympic Gold Medalist & America's Sweetheart Shawn Johnson comes flying out. A step behind her is Mrs. Moreland as she stares at the limo.

OGM & AS SJ: Look, Mrs. Moreland, Davin stopped by before he went down to Delaware. We have to wish him luck.

Mrs. Moreland: Patience child. My Davin knows better than to show up here in a limo like this and disturb the neighborhood.

From behind Mrs. Moreland, two more former OOWF Interviewers, Jamie Lynn Spears and LonelyGirl15, peek around.

LG15: Who do you think it is then Mrs. Moreland.

Mrs. Moreland: I have an idea and I just hope I'm wrong, but it looks like we're about to find out.

The driver of the limo steps out and walks to the back to open up the doors. After a moment, Alexis Darling slowly steps out and takes a deep breath of the fresh Massachusetts air. She then coughs. Then she looks back inside the limo and seems to be arguing with what can only be assumed to be her brother.

Alexis: Stop being a baby. You said you wanted to do this, now get out of the limo and do what you said you were going to do.

From inside the limo we can hear Alex grumble, but he slowly steps out. Meanwhile, Mrs. Moreland and Alexander's former interviewers all look to be in shock. He gulps as he looks around. Shawn is the only one who looks somewhat happy, but you even tell she's a bit worried about why Alex is here. JLS and LG15 have both shrunk even further behind Mrs. Moreland. Shawn looks like she's about to run towards Alex, but he ignores her as he walks past her and up to the door of the house where Mrs. Moreland is. Shawn looks depressed for a moment until Alexis puts her arm around her shoulder. They begin to walk towards the house where we can now hear the conversation taking place...

Alexander: Mrs. Moreland, I just wanted to thank...

Mrs. Moreland: Don't thank me. I didn't do any of this for you. I don't even much like you. In fact, I'm curious as to why you think you can step foot on my property after what you've done to these girls and my son.

Alexander: Your son is a douche.

Mrs. Moreland: Yea and? He's my son, and you're an ass. So why don't you get back in your fancy limo and leave?

Alexander: I can't do that just yet Mrs. Moreland. There are some things I need to do first.

Mrs. Moreland: I'm not afraid of you or your money. So there is nothing...

Alexis: Stop it. Jeez. Mrs. Moreland, no one is asking you to like Alex. Hell, half the time I don't even like him.

Alexander: Thanks sister darling.

Alexis: See, you're right...he's an ass. But things have changed and we both, especially Alex, even if he can't always say it, that we needed to come here and say a few things.

Mrs. Moreland: Fine. Come in for some Dunkin' Donuts coffee and muffins. Girls, why don't you head to the back and have some fun.

Alexis: Actually, we'd like them to stay.

Mrs. Moreland: I don't think that's a good idea. You two have treated two of these girls horribly and then you left the third twisting in the wind so my son had to save her.

Alexander: That's why we need them to stay Mrs. Moreland. There are things that need to be said.

Mrs. Moreland: Fair enough, but if you don't mind, I need a little reassurance. Jamie, can you run next door...

Jamie Lynn just nods and sprints out the front door and races next door while the rest of the group takes a seat around the table. Alexander is starting to look impatient...

Alexander: Can we just start?

From the doorway....DDP: Can you just shut up unless you wanna FEEL THE BANG?

Alexander: Oh you have got to be shitting me. Seriously, DDP???

Mrs. Moreland: If you want to do this, Mr. Page will be staying in case you want to get mouthy.

Alexander looks like he's about to say something, but Alexis interrupts.

Alexis: That's fine Mrs. Moreland, it is your home.

Mrs. Moreland: So what is it you came to say?

Alexander: It's like this Mrs. Moreland, I'm not going to apologize.

Jamie Lynn has no reaction, Shawn just looks sad, and LG15 snorts loud enough that everyone turns to look at her.

LG15: It's just, you apologizing is hilarious. You treated all of us like trash. Even if you did say I'm sorry, I know I wouldn't believe it.

OGM & AS SJ: He didn't treat me like trash.

LG15: Haven't you learned anything since getting here yet Shawn? He only looks out for Alexander Darling. No one else matters. Just think of all the progress you've made. You're not as racist anymore. You stand up for yourself. You're not at his beck and call.

OGM & AS SJ: STOP IT. It wasn't like that with us. It was different.

Alexander: Shawn, she's a little right.

LG15: Don't you dare try to defend...wait, I'm right?
OGM & AS SJ: She's right?

Alexander: I'm not good at this. Damn it Lexie, why aren't you talking?

Alexis: Because this is something you need to do.

Alexander: Fine. Look, Jamie and LG first. Wait, why do I care about Jamie again? She's a twice knocked up piece of trailer trash?

Everyone in the room kinda just nods and Jamie Lynn runs off crying or something. Probably to get knocked up again.

Okay, LG...you came to the OOWF at a weird time. And you were probably the best actual interviewer I've had, but you and I...we just don't click. I was wrong with how things were handled, but you're better off without me. You know that, right?

LG15: Damn right I am. I'm getting my degree in journalism from BU. Got an internship lined up at the Globe. Things couldn't be better for me. So, I'm not sure what you want from me.

Alexander: I don't want or expect anything...I just want you to know that I know what happened to you was wrong, but I can't take it back and I don't know if I even would. It's a tough world I live in and sometimes I make tough decisions. I am sorry that you had to be a casualty of that. I am glad you're doing well though.

LG15: I'm not forgiving you...yet. But if you're being sincere, maybe in time. Mrs. Moreland, I have a test. May I be excused?

Mrs. Moreland: Of course dear.

LG15 gets up and is about to exit when she turns back,

LG15: One more thing Alex...Kick Poe's ass.

Alexander smiles before turning towards Shawn.

OGM & AS SJ: What, you're going to say you saved the best for last or some other garbage? I don't buy it. I don't think. Damn it Alex, why did you come here? You left me wandering the halls for days. I had no idea what happened to you and then all of a sudden Davin is taking me off to meet his mom and I find out you're back to playing lackey to Poe.[/]

Alexander: I wish I knew what...wait, how did Davin know?

Alexis: He owed me and I cashed in the favor to get Shawn out of there before we went into the lion's den.

Alexander: Thank you Alexis. Shawn, I wish I could make up for what happened then. But I was lost. I was confused. My two closest allies had both stabbed me in the back. I couldn't win a match to save my life. I had no idea where else to turn and I made the biggest mistake of my career. I went back to Poe. It had NOTHING to do with you. You should understand that.

OGM & AS SJ: Whether or not I understand it, doesn't matter. It won't change how I felt. Maybe LG is right and we're just pieces of trash to you. Ready to be used and discarded at your whim.

Alexander: If that's what you feel, I know I can't change your mind...but if it were true, I wouldn't be here right now.

Mrs. Moreland: Why exactly are you here Alexander?

Alexander: To explain things to LG and to ask Shawn if she'd like to come back to be the personal interviewer for the OOWF's Next World Champ.

DDP: You have got to be joking if you think...

Alexander: No one asked for your opinion Page.

DDP: Asked for or not, I'm giving it...

Alexander starts to get out of his chair just as DDP starts walking towards him. Alexis and Mrs. Moreland both get up to keep the two guys apart. No one notices Shawn slip out of the room. The two guys get close enough to where they can start pushing one another. It looks like it's about to seriously escalate until...

OGM & AS SJ: Okay, I'm ready. Let's go.

Everyone turns to look back at Shawn who has her suitcase and another bag all packed up.

Alexis: Wow, that was quick.

OGM & AS SJ: Duh, I am a gold medalist. Where's the show?

Mrs. Moreland: Shawn...are you sure you're ready to go back to that world?

OGM & AS SJ: Yes Mrs. Moreland. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I promise I will be nicer to those people. I won't call them by mean names anymore. But, I dunno why...I fit in there. It feels good to be part of that world.

DDP: What makes you think he's changed?

Alexander: I swear on all that is holy Falkenberg, say one more thing and I'll have no issue putting you through this table.

Mrs. Moreland: Dallas, Alex...shut up or I will shut you both up.

DDP & AD: Yes, Mrs. Moreland

Mrs. Moreland: Shawn, Dallas has a point though. How can you be sure?

OGM & AS SJ: Because he wouldn't be here if he was the same Alex. You knew this was happening as soon as he showed up. Besides, if he's being a lying asshole, Davin will kick his ass for me.

Mrs. Moreland: My son does have a bit of hero complex doesn't here. You should see the pictures when he dressed up as super...shit, I've said too much.

Alexis: Actually Mrs. Moreland, I think you've said just enough. I guess that's it then, we need to get started on our drive to Delaware. We have a title to win...

OGM & AS SJ: Actually you don't. You must not have seen, Poe got the match changed to non-title unless Alexander cashes in his shot.

Alexis: WHAT???

Alexis grabs one of Shawn's hands and her bag in the other hand and drags her out of the house.

What are you talking about?

Shawn and Alexis discuss the title situation.

Alexander: Can I say thank you now?

Mrs. Moreland: Not just yet Mr. Darling. You treat her right and don't send any more of your refugees here and then you can thank me. I'd like to also wish you luck against that bastard Poe. You may be an ass, but he's so much worse with what he's done to that poor Selena.

Alexander nods as he starts to leave...

Alexander: Not going to wish me luck Pagey? I guess that makes sense. You being a washed-up never was and me being the future of the business. Give Kim my best...oh wait...

And that sets DDP off as he charges Alexander. Telegraphed and all so Alex is able to toss Page through the door to the front yard. Page lands hard face-first on the grass and Alexander quickly follows up and locks up his legs...MOTHERFUCKING YARDSTOMP.

Remember Page...I am Alexander Darling and well, you're just not. Booyah, Bitch!

*Fade*

[mooseheadjack]

In Chamber V, Poe is sitting at the bar with LD Williams and Stank discussing who knows what. Moosehead Jack is teaching Selena the proper way to swing a barbed wire bat (he would know right?) Suddenly they all hear a woman's voice calling from down the hall...

WV: Omar! Open ze door!

Poe's eyes immediately turn towards the ceiling.

Poe: By the gods.

Stank gets off his bar stool and opens the door. Soohad is standing on the other side.

SG: Mama Poe!

Stank steps aside allowing Soohad to enter. Behind her, carrying her bag is an average height guy with a shaved head.

SG: Omigosh! BC!!

Selena rushes up to BC and hugs him, kissing him on the cheek.

Poe: BC, my friend, it has been too long.

Soo: No greeting for yor muther?

Poe: I see you enough as it is.

BC kisses Selena on the cheek and shakes hands with Poe.

BC: Been too long Omar.

BC then looks at Selena.

BC: And as for you...I think I like you more than him.

Selena bats her eyes, trying to look cute (and succeeding as always).

SG: I know, everyone loves me. I even won an OOWF Award, wanna see??

BC: Yes, I saw, congratulations.

Poe: Greg, a White Russian for my friend and keep 'em comin'.

BC: Ah, you remembered.

Greg the Bartender pops up from behind the counter. Kayfabe pops up too (again) and sees BC. She glares at him, and then, as if something was going off in her head, she holds it, then she explodes and reforms like a T-1000 and proceeds to run screaming from Chamber V.

SG: That was so cool.

Soo: Vere vill I sleep?

Soohad approaches Firewoman's door and sees the warning signs.

Soo: Ah, yes, thee Firewoman.

Soohad turns around and looks at Moosehead Jack, who's been surprisingly quiet. She smiles at him.

Soo: Ket, so good to see you.

SG, Stank, & LDW: *in unison* KET???

Poe & MHJ: *in unison* Long story.

Soohad hugs Moose, who uncomfortably hugs her back. She then releases and SMACKS HIM ACROSS THE FACE! Moose is stunned and glares at Soohad.

Soo: Ket, after all dees yeers, how DARE yoo keep a secret like...

Soohad looks at Firewoman's door with disgust and spits.

Soo: HER from Omar??

Moose continues to glare at Soohad, then looks at Poe who just shakes his head.

MHJ: It's complicated. It's my family, my life.

Soohad turns from Moose and walks towards one of the other chambers in Chamber V.

Soo: Vatever.

BC: So...

Poe: What have you been up to BC?

BC: Not much. I'm currently getting my ass kicked by Demko in the TV Showdown.

From where ever she's hiding, Kayfabe screams again.

Poe: While you are here, I'd like you to do me a favor.

BC: If I can.

Poe: I want to see the massacre site before the next Mayhem. Facing the Boy on Sunday has inspired me.

BC: No prob, but Omar, there's something Soohad needs to tell you.

Soohad glares at BC and points her finger at him.

Poe: She doesn't seem to want to tell me. So you will.

Soo: He vill do no such thing. There is nuthing to tell!

Poe and BC exchange looks.

Poe: Dead Fred then.

[mooseheadjack]

*Outback Jack and Wally are off in a corner of the Destroyitarium bar. Adam is playing the bouzouki in another corner, while the Mdinight Sons demonstrate a surprising ability to do a traditional Greek dance. Behind the bar, a man named Wenslydale is auditioning for the job as bartender. A customer walks in*

Customer: Good Morning.

Wenslydale: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Destroyitarium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Wenslydale: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all cotton-mouthed.

Wenslydale: Cotton-mouthed, sir?

Customer: Parched.

Wenslydale: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor thirsty-loike!

Wenslydale: Ah, thirstyy!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented grain will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some beery imbibables!

Wenslydale: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some beer.

Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Wenslydale: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Wenslydale: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some beer please, my good man.

Wenslydale: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little Heinekens.

Wenslydale: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Heinekens, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Becks?

Wenslydale: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, St. Pauli Girl, if you please.

Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Stella?

Wenslydale: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Sam Adams?

Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Harp?

Wenslydale: Sorry.

Customer: Dos Equis? Corona?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Any Watneys, per chance.

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Fosters?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Red Stripe?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Labatt's?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Danish Carlsberg?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Wenslydale: (pause) No.

Customer: Rolling rock?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Brooklyn Lager?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Guinness perhaps?

Wenslydale: Ah! We have Guinness, yessir.

Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent.

Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit warm...

Customer: Oh, I like it warm.

Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very warm, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the stout from the Emerald Isle ! Mmmwah!

Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit warmer than you'll like it, sir.

Customer: I don't care how excremently runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........!

Customer: What now?

Wenslydale: The cat's drunk it.

Customer: (pause) Has he.

Wenslydale: She, sir.

(pause)

Customer: Anchor Steam?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Palmetto?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Molsons?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Japanese Kirin?

Wenslydale: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some beer, don't you?

Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a bar, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Wenslydale: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Wenslydale: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)

Customer: Sapporo?

Wenslydale: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Blue Moon?

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Killians?

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Moosehead?

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Bass?

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Coors?

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Michelob?

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Beer?

Wenslydale: Not *today*, sir, no.

(pause)

Customer: Aah, how about Budweiser?

Wenslydale: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular beer in the world!

Wenslydale: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: {pause}and what IS the most popular beer 'round hyah?

Wenslydale: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Wenslydale: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Wenslydale: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Wenslydale: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Wenslydale: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a bar, is it?

Wenslydale: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Wenslydale: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by beer....

Wenslydale: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Lowenbrau, sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Wenslydale: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

Wenslydale: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Lowenbrau?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me

Wenslydale: Yessir?

Customer: Have you in fact got any beer here at all.

Wenslydale: Yes,sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause) Wenslydale: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Wenslydale: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Wenslydale: Right-0, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the bartender.

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

*The customer walks out. We then cut to Chamber V, where Stank and kz have been watching this on OOWF-TV*

Stank: This is why I refuse to be in any promos lifted from Monty Python.

[mooseheadjack]

MEANWHILE~! Back in the Destoyitarium, Wenslydale's body has been cleared away, and the Midnight Sons have returned to their perches at the bar. Spin Hansen seeing no beer clasps a Marker's Mark bottle, while D.H. Magnusson leans over towards Spencer Darling as she writes something in black across his taped fists with a broad marker.

SH: Ninjacam is here.

DHM (without looking up): Good.

DHM: Doomy Doom Doom, The Midnight Sons get their shot at kz. Stupid little horseshit that tournament aside, The Midnight Sons are getting their chance at taking back those world titles...And we don't give a damn.

SH: This isn't about gold.

DHM: This is about blood. The blood that we spill, and the blood that we share.

SH: And we've done a lot of both.

DHM: Me an' Spin, we been through wars. With Phantos and Lucios, with The Gaelic Storm, Empty Team...you name the team, and we've clawed our way through hell, and clawed our way past them.

SH: And less than a year ago, we tried to kill each other. But even trying to kill each other, we knew. We knew about the blood. The blood, and the bond.

DHM: Y'see even then, we knew that when push came t'shove, this blood runnin' in me is the same as Spin's. Same as Jack's. Same as the blood that runs in each and every of one of those people out there.

SH: And we knew what it meant. What it MEANS.
Spencer moves to the other hand
DHM: It means y'don't turn your back when your family needs you. Y'don't back down. Y'don't turn tail.

SH: The Five say that holding gold is what proves you're best. That it's what makes you a champion. And they're wrong.

DHM: Titles are shiny. They get you a new zero at the end of your paycheck. They're fun t'hold an' show off, but that ain't makes you.

SH: What makes you is what you do.

DHM: So at Doomy Doom Doom, me an' Spin, we ain't goin' out there for that gold. We ain;t goin' out there t'be able t'brag.

SH: We're going out there for blood. OUR blood.

Spenser puts down the marker, briefly tapping DHM's fists, he pulls them back and turns them to the camera to show the word GATOR written across each one.

DHM: Everytime I push this through your face Moose, I want you t'know why. When these fingers wrap around your throat Williams, I want you t'know why. Every piece of flesh we tear off of you, every goddamned bone we break, every ounce of pain we feed you, I want you t'know why.

SH: Because we are the Midnight Sons. We are Drink and Destroy.

DHM: And we are family.

SH: And there ain't a damned thing you can do about that.

SD: kz, welcome to your nightmare.