MidWeek Mayhem (01/13) Live! From Melbourne AR

[mooseheadjack]

<We cut to GM the Rick's office where Stank is just walking out laughing. A moment later the lineup is posted>


OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Melbourne, Arkansas

OOWF Title vs. Title Match - Special Guest Referee - Stank[/u]
Alexander Darling vs. Davin Moreland

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
The Midnight Sons vs. Team Team

Steel Cage Match[/u]
Seamus McNasty & Outback Jack vs. Moosehead Jack & Firewoman

Poe vs. Concrete TG
Chris Evans & Ravenna Blue vs. Matt Folz & LD Williams



Card subject to razorback attack

[mooseheadjack]

On a beach in the Maldives, a man approaches Poe and Selena, who are sitting in beach chairs watching the ocean.

Poe: I asked for us to not be disturbed.

Sa-T: Yeah monkey boy!

M: Yes sir, madam, but the DVD you requested has arrived.

Poe takes the DVD.



*Some time later*



Poe turns the TV off by remote. Selena lays her head on his shoulder and sighs.

Sa-T: A snow shovel? Really?

Poe continues to stare at the TV.

Poe: Looks like it's time to go back to work.

Sa-T: I wanted two weeks! Seriously, someone's gonna pay.

[mooseheadjack]

<Ravenna Blue is walking down the hall frustrated after her recent Onslaught Championship loss, but still eager to further the cause of The Sanctum. She rounds the corner and is greeted with sarcastic clapping. Ravenna immediately gets into a defensive position and looks around. She finally sees Moose slumped on a stack of crates>

MHJ: Good show, gooooooooood, good show Ravenna.

RB: Moose. Uh-hmmm. I suspect the rest of The Five will be jumping me now…….

MHJ: Nope <Moose jumps off the crates and comes nose to nose with Ravenna> Not what this is about.

RB: Then what IS it about

MHJ: Its about you

RB: Yeah, clearly, you are TALKING to me, so, I kinda figured that

<Moose wanders a bit, then starts to talk>

MHJ: Soooooooooooo……..you are going to bring people together to stop The Five

RB: Someone has to

MHJ: Right. Someone has to stop nature from taking its course

<Ravenna looks at Moose>

RB: What you five do, that is not nature, that is barbarity, and it has no place in wrestling

MHJ: Really. Let me ask you this. When a pack of lions goes in for the kill do they take out the strongest member? Or do they prey on the weak?

RB: They prey on the weak

MHJ: <getting close to Ravenna> And when they drag that animal to the ground, do they care how it dies? Do they show it one ounce of mercy?

RB: No

MHJ: No. The OOWF is weak right now and The Five will do as we please. Bryce Larson was weak. Bryce Larson is gone. The way we do it makes no difference, the fact is, there is nothing that can stop us.

RB: <smirking> Until now

MHJ: <laughing> The Sanctum? Tell me Rav……..are you aware of the history of the OOWF?

RB: Yes

MHJ: Good. That’s very good. See, I am a big fan of history, love the stuff. So, let’s go over some history ok? You know Davin Moreland, right?

RB: Yeah I…..

MHJ: Davin Moreland was going to lead Team Rick against Team Bennett. He was going to save everyone, he was going to save the OOWF. He was going to be a hero to all. Look at Davin Moreland now

RB: You mean the Intercontinental champion, Davin Moreland?

MHJ: Yeah. Let him be defined by a title. The fact is, Davin is not what he once was. I am not saying he is not a tough bastard in the ring, but he doesn’t care. One by one, people turned against him, piece by piece his faith has been torn away. Hell, some would say The Five had something to do with his precious wife disappearing. Whether we actually did or not is irrelevant, because Davin knows we can. Davin has something to protect, something more than his title. He is not going to put himself out on a limb and risk that for a cause.

RB: There are others, I can

MHJ: Others? Like Ecosystem?

RB: Eco believes that The Five has to be taken down

MHJ: Eco is about five minutes from a return trip to the nuthouse. I put him there once, I sat back in The Establishment and watched him crack under pressure. Juni is not a leader. Juni is a manipulator. All Eco cares about is Eco, just the kind of man I respect. In fact, I think you SHOULD approach Eco, you SHOULD get him to sign up with your cause…..

RB: This is not going to work Moose

MHJ: And watch as he slowly undermines everything you want to do. Watch as he tries to position himself as the savior of the OOWF. Watch him be nothing but a hypocrite. Really Rav, you want someone who eats the charred flesh of their foes in your crusade? You know what makes Eco different from us? He is not one of the Five. That is all that makes him different. All the things you embrace about him, all the things he does that you cheer, if that were any one of us? You would indignantly scoff and tell us we are evil.

RB: Are you just about done? I would like to get my shoulder looked at, I have a match to get ready for next week.

<Moose stops wandering again and walks right up to Ravenna>

MHJ: Just one more

RB: Who?

MHJ: Crete

RB: <laughing> I suppose now you are going to tell me I can’t trust Crete either

MHJ: Why would you?

RB: Because of ALL the people in the OOWF he hates you and the rest of The Five the most

MHJ: Crete has no idea what he thinks anymore

RB: What?

MHJ: Take a good hard look at Crete. You say you know the history of the OOWF. Let’s see if you do. Think back to the first few years of the OOWF, Crete and I tried everything we could to maim one another. It finally came down to one final match. One final match allowed by the Board of Directors.

RB: <grinning> Which, you lost

MHJ: Did I?

RB: I saw it, Crete beat you in a two out of three falls match

MHJ: He won the match, but…….did he win

RB: What are you……of course he did!

MHJ: Really? Think of Crete since then. The war started, and he ran off to Connecticut. Couldn’t hack it there, and came back and tried to be a hero…..

RB: Crete sacrificed a lot to come back…..

MHJ: More than anyone else? And now, what? Crete has gotten so lost in his superhero persona that he is a shell of his former self. You know it, I know it, the whole roster knows it. When I beat Crete, when I challenged him to that match, I knew, win or lose, one of us would never be the same again. Well, here I stand, a member of the greatest group wrestling has ever seen, a contender to any title I want, a threat to any man living. What is Crete doing? Off being fitted for a new cape? Off buying some multi-sided dice? Is that REALLY someone you think you can count on against us?

RB: This is not going to work Moose…….

MHJ: No…….it is. It is because you are going to think about what I said. You are not going to like it, and everyone will tell you I am crazy, but deep inside, you know I am right. Now, Ravenna, if you REALLY want to lead a war against us, you go right ahead. Just think about what has happened to those who, in the past, have decided they were going to get rid of the evil in the OOWF. Where are they, and where are we?

Trust me

<Moose walks off>

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank is in Chamber V*

Stank - YO! FUCKTARD! Fucktard knows who he is. Fucktard I'm going to say this real slow THIS TIME so even your remedial ass can understand...

I


am


not


interested


in


beating


you. Fucktard.



for



your



Inter


Con


Ti


nen


tal


Championship.



I



Can't



Stand



You.




Fuck




Off.



But you won't fuck off will you? No matter how many times I say how fucking bored I am with you, you continue on this pathological need to put yourself over at my expense. You assault me with your stupid jokes and thinly veiled racist remarks and expect me to just sit here and take it. You're hell bent on trying to run me out of the OOWF because you're jealous fucktard, aren't you? You find yourself in a position of influence and use it to protect your spot and to bury whoever you want.

Think about this moron. Look back at the history of you and me. In that short time. Have I ever before my last assault on you, have I ever outright ATTACKED you backstage that didn't involve a multi-combatant locker room brawl? No. So why do you think my last attack happened?

1. Because I want a shot at regaining the Intercontinental Title...?

or


OR


2. Because you are an unfunny, annoying, offensive, shitbag.

Here's a clue *Whispers* It's the second one.

That is answer number two in case you don't understand. You know... the answer next to the number two with the dot next to the two.

Now you might not agree. You probably think you're pretty funny. Well let me assure you... you're not. To wit...

... By the way, To wit means the natural ability to understand or percieve intelligence. Yes... I looked it up.

To wit... You try to use thinly veiled racial verbiage as a comedic vehicle... ie "Grape Jelly". "Eat a porkchop" "Greasy stubby little fingers" and so on.

None of it funny in or out of context.

If I were to use race as a comedic device I would talk about my friend Turner Ron.

Fucktard, you remember Turner. I'm sure SYB told you about him... no?

SYB was in a Boston office building where he walked into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black rock-like guy standing next to him. The big guy sees SYB staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 21 inch prick, 4 pound left testicle, 4 pound right testicle, Turner Ron."

At this SYB faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy then asks.. "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice SYB says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.(Me too). I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 21 inch prick, my left testicle weighs 4 pounds, my right testicle weighs 4 pounds, and my name is Turner Ron."

SYB replies, "Turner Ron. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn Around!!

You see?

You see the difference?

That shit is funny. If my next match was against SYB... I would use that in a promo. What I would not do is say "Holocaust", or work in some joke about the PLO or say... well "Eat a porkchop"

Actually... I'd might use that last one but that's only because I'm certain I could be trusted to use it in a funny way.

But I digress... and alas...

Alas is an interjection. It's a term used as an exclamation to express grief, sorrow, or pity. I did not look that up.

Alas... My next big match is not against SYB which I know would at least be infinitely more interesting despite his not having been here in months.

No.

Inexplicably... I have yet another big match against the remedial Fucktard for his Intercontinental Championship because he's too dense to understand that I have absolutely ZERO interest in putting him over.

ZERO.

Interest.

I do not want to beat you for the Intercontinental title Fucktard.

I just want to beat you.

Beat you til there is nothing left but a gelatinous goo of blood and bones.

I owe you at the least another shovel to the face.

I would collect if you hadn't arranged the pussy move of the no contact clause.

So I'll wait.

In the meantime however that no contact clause does not apply to your wife fucktard.

*Stank walks over and opens a closet door revealing a bound and gagged Samantha Darling Moreland.*

How is it you're always misplacing your wife, fucktard?

*Stank roughly pulls Sam out of the closet and picks up a snow shovel. We can hear Sam's scream through her gag. Stank holds the shovel up*

Sorry Alex... this isn't personal. It's just business.

*Stank SWINGS the snow shovel and stops just short of smacking it upside Samantha's head!*

You know fucktard... I change my mind. It would no doubt be the heelish thing to do. I am a heel afterall. Not the douchey kind like yourself, but the conniving kind. The dominate kind. The "badass".

Your word... not mine.

Anyway it occurs to me...

*Stank rips the tape off of Sam's mouth and she spits out the gag. Stank turns her around and unties her.*

Stank - Get the fuck out.

*Sam spits in Stank's face. Stank wipes the spittle away, grabs Sam by the arm and yanks her to the front door of Chamber V. He opens the door shoves Sam out.*

As I was saying, it occurs to me if I were to smack your lovely wife across her pretty little face with this shovel... it would only serve to put you over some more... and as I said... that doesn't interest me.

You don't interest me.

But you and the powers that be have seen fit to get me in the ring one more time.

I don't care if I never get another shot at the IC title as long as you hold it. I don't care if you find some sort of closure after that match.

I don't care if I win or lose.

I only care about one thing in regards to you Fucktard.

Hurting you.

That's it.

And after I get my chance to smack you in the grill with this shovel...

I'll be sure to shove it straight up your fucktard ass, bitch.

This is not bigger than the OOWF. This will not be an epic match for the ages... this will be your pathetic attempt to make yourself feel big to compensate for being so small.

I said it before. I'll say it again. This course will only bring you more suffering and more pain as it has brought to me.

Fucktard... I'm begging you...

This is not fun for me anymore. If it ever was.

I will damn sure not make it fun for you.

Good luck against Alex.

You will need it.

[mooseheadjack]

Samantha Darling-Moreland staggers out of the The Chamber and starts to run down the hallway, but runs right into Firewoman, returning from getting checked out for her post-match injuries.

FW: Well, hey there, Sammie-kins. You look like shit.

Samantha's eyes grow wide as she tries to figure out how to answer or if running the opposite direction would work.

FW: Yeah, I don't look any better, but I have a reason, at least. I would think Sugar Daddy Douchebag Davin would...oh...I get it. Did Sugar Daddy Douchebag Davin forget to put you in that little 'no contact' paper thing he thinks he'll be enforcing on us all? I'd like to say I'm surprised, but he's only ever been out for himself.

SDM: Stank....he.....

FW: Really? Wow, I'm impressed. Didn't think he had it in him, and to be honest, he kind of stole my idea. Not that I mind. I'm actually proud of him. Moose and I have been a good influence.

SDM: Let me pass....

FW: In a minute, Sammie-kins. *Firewoman slowly walks so Samantha is backed up against the wall* You know, it's been so long since we've chatted. How's the family?

SDM: I think you know.

FW: Yes, I know how your hypocritical and ungrateful brother and sister are. I meant the Morelands. Mrs. Moreland...she's a peach.

SDM: You stay away...

FW: Stay away? She invited me back any time I want. I may go this week if the weather clears. Have some business to discuss with her.

SDM: What do you want, Fire?

FW: What do I want? Many things, Sammie-kins, many things. Peace on earth, a never-empty bottle of Jameson, a quiet weekend alone with my fiance --

SDM: Alone? Don't you need a donkey and a cabana boy too?

FW: *ignoring her* -- a house on the Cape -- but really what I want right now is for you to take a message to Sugar Daddy Douchebag Moreland.

SDM: I'll think about it.

FW: You'll do it. I helped you out a week or so ago, remember?

SDM: ...

FW: ...

SDM: Fine. What.

FW: I didn't sign any paper. As far as I'm concerned he can wipe his ass with that no contact order, because that's about what it's worth to me. So if he stays to his end of the arena, it won't be an issue. Cross me one more time... and it will be. Got it, Sammie-kins? Or do I need to carve it somewhere. You Darlings are into carvings, right?

SDM: Y-y-yes. I got it.

FW: Sparkling. See you later. I gotta go buy my brother Stank a drink.

Firewoman leaves and enters The Chamber. Samantha slumps against the wall, letting out a sigh of relief, and continues to try to find her way home.

[mooseheadjack]

Samantha Darling-Moreland staggers out of the The Chamber and starts to run down the hallway, but runs right into Firewoman, returning from getting checked out for her post-match injuries.

FW: Well, hey there, Sammie-kins. You look like shit.

Samantha's eyes grow wide as she tries to figure out how to answer or if running the opposite direction would work.

FW: Yeah, I don't look any better, but I have a reason, at least. I would think Sugar Daddy Douchebag Davin would...oh...I get it. Did Sugar Daddy Douchebag Davin forget to put you in that little 'no contact' paper thing he thinks he'll be enforcing on us all? I'd like to say I'm surprised, but he's only ever been out for himself.

SDM: Stank....he.....

FW: Really? Wow, I'm impressed. Didn't think he had it in him, and to be honest, he kind of stole my idea. Not that I mind. I'm actually proud of him. Moose and I have been a good influence.

SDM: Let me pass....

FW: In a minute, Sammie-kins. *Firewoman slowly walks so Samantha is backed up against the wall* You know, it's been so long since we've chatted. How's the family?

SDM: I think you know.

FW: Yes, I know how your hypocritical and ungrateful brother and sister are. I meant the Morelands. Mrs. Moreland...she's a peach.

SDM: You stay away...

FW: Stay away? She invited me back any time I want. I may go this week if the weather clears. Have some business to discuss with her.

SDM: What do you want, Fire?

FW: What do I want? Many things, Sammie-kins, many things. Peace on earth, a never-empty bottle of Jameson, a quiet weekend alone with my fiance --

SDM: Alone? Don't you need a donkey and a cabana boy too?

FW: *ignoring her* -- a house on the Cape -- but really what I want right now is for you to take a message to Sugar Daddy Douchebag Moreland.

SDM: I'll think about it.

FW: You'll do it. I helped you out a week or so ago, remember?

SDM: ...

FW: ...

SDM: Fine. What.

FW: I didn't sign any paper. As far as I'm concerned he can wipe his ass with that no contact order, because that's about what it's worth to me. So if he stays to his end of the arena, it won't be an issue. Cross me one more time... and it will be. Got it, Sammie-kins? Or do I need to carve it somewhere. You Darlings are into carvings, right?

SDM: Y-y-yes. I got it.

FW: Sparkling. See you later. I gotta go buy my brother Stank a drink.

Firewoman leaves and enters The Chamber. Samantha slumps against the wall, letting out a sigh of relief, and continues to try to find her way home.

[mooseheadjack]

Tytan

(Tytan is walking down the hall of Random Encounters when he is spotted by SFJ#4.3.)

SFJ: Tytan.

Tytan: (Pissed he was spotted but does the face things and stops.)

SFJ: You have been keeping to yourself lately and haven't really been commenting on the things going on in the OOWF. What gives?

Tytan: First off, Happy New Year to everyone out there. Second maybe it's just that I have been a little tired lately...maybe I'm tired that Eco and I haven't won the tag-titles yet. Sons, I will give it to you. You guys are damn good, maybe a better team then us. I don't know. All I know right now is that I am tired of Fighting the Five and I am tired of fighting for the tag-titles and not winning them.

SFJ: So basically you are saying that you are tired?

Tytan: Damn, can they make you guys any dumber?
Ravenna has been wanting to get people together and stop the five. She says she has been wanting to talk to me. I have been waiting and I still haven't heard from her.
Eco you talk about wanting to win these title and you want to win them for me, and you say I deserve these titles. But we still end up on the wrong side of the match. You talk about all this violence and blood and Moose is right you do sound like the FIVE. And you know what maybe that's what we need to do right now. Maybe it's time I get in touch with my old self and stop this whole keep the violence for in the ring and the random hallway beating don't work. Guess what the beatdowns instill fear and right now no one fears us. We are the lovable odd-balls that no one knows what to do with. So guess what maybe it's time we make that change happen. Maybe it's time for a little more violence, I'm up for it. Maybe it's time for a little less talk and a lot more action.

(Just then he sees Spin Hansen walking down the hallway. Spin is minding his own business and by the time he realizes what is happening Tytan has already speared him from behind smashing him into a nearby table. Tytan then rolls him up and pins him for the 1..2..3.)


Winner and still DDT Ironman Champion-Tytan!

(Tytan looks down at the fallen Spin.)

Tytan: Maybe we need to make our next match a little more interesting. Maybe a falls count anywhere...or maybe even a last team standing match. I done fooling around and being nice. It's time for me to break you.

(Tytan trows a nice swift kick to the ribs and then walks away off to go look for Eco.)_

[mooseheadjack]

Poe is seated ina dark room somewhere. The lighting is bad and we can barely see him. We can see his trademark bloody towel over his head.

Poe: On a rare occasion, a great champion...falls. On these occasions, his metal is tested. His desire is put into question. He must decide...do I want this anymore?

Poe breathes in deeply. As he does, Selena slithers up behind him and drapes her arms over him.

Poe: Then, the truly great champions rise again. Like the Phoenix from the ashes. He arises.

Poe pulls the towel off his head and stares into the camera as Selena places her palm on his head.

Poe: And now, from the ashes, I have arisen again a new man. And now, on Wednesday, I will sacrifice a great hero. For it is the dawning of a new age. It is time for all before me...to suffer.

Poe lowers his head.

Poe: Namaste.

Sa-T: Smile for the camera...suckers.

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland and Samantha Darling-Moreland are on a tarmac next to a private jet, stairs down. They are arguing*

DM: Just. Fucking. Go.

SDM: No, dammit, I'm not gonna let those morons run me off.

DM: Yes, yes you are. Lucas has completely lost his mind, and you don't need to be near Psycho Bitch Quinn either. You're leaving, you're leaving now. That's it.

SDM: *slumps her shoulders, resigned* You're right.

DM: I know.

SDM: Love you.

DM: Love you too.

*They kiss and hug for a bit, before Davin helps push the stairs into place. The plane taxis and takes off for somewhere. Davin watches it take off, and as soon as it's out of sight, his face changes. Moonbeam comes out of somewhere with a mic, running after him as he marches to the terminal*

SFJ420: Davin, I gotta have something from you, man.

DM: *stops short* Like. What.

SFJ420: The Five.

DM: Fuck the Five. The Five doesn't scare me, doesn't intimidate me, doesn't phase me in anyway. This is the last time they attack my family, because they're gigantic pussies who can't beat anyone in a straight up fight.

SFJ420: Ok, Firewoman.

DM: Who?

SFJ420: Firewoman.

DM: Who?

SFJ420: FIREWOMAN!

DM: Oh, that bitch that owes me money. Expect a call from my attorney soon. Something around $1.2 million is what you owe me because you're a psychotic bitch who can't control her emotions and was clearly never spanked as a child. Done.

SFJ420: Moosehead Jack.

DM: Right now? I've got no heat with him, or with LD. For now. It would be in their best interest to keep it that way.

SFJ420: Poe?

DM: He's too busy with his child-bride to care about things like, oh, winning. His slow fade into Bolivia (tm, Mike Tyson) has begun.

SFJ420: Stank?

*Davin stops short*

DM: You fucking psycho. I have had enough of your tired, weak-ass bullshit. Shovels, kidnap my wife, and yet, we're in the ring, and Davin Moreland kicks your fat, sorry ass and embarrasses you yet again. Aren't you tired of being shown up? Aren't you tired of tilting at windmills? At Dance of Death, Rick has agreed to Snow Shovel on a Pole match. I will beat you within an inch of your life, and you're going to have to find something else to do than obsess over me.

Nice of you to play the ol' race card there, by the way Lucas. I didn't know you were all sensitive about it. But since you started it, here's a little advice. Stop being so...so...what's the word?

*Moonbeam shrugs*

DM: Ah. Got it. Lucas. Stop being so damned uppity. It's embarrassing. Oh, and don't think of doing anything stupid as the ref this week. No contact remains in place, so I suggest you "call it down the middle". You can count to 3, right? I know you're only used to hearing it when you're on your back.

SFJ420: Alexander Darling.

DM: *sighs* We're never going to be BFFs, ok? But the way he faced down Poe and the rest of that retched crew; I re...re...uh...re...

SFJ420: Respect?

DM: Yeah. He's my brother-in-law. We're not friends, we're not allies, and we're gonna go out and try to kill each other this Wednesday. For us, it's always been competition, to see which one of us is the best. That's face, heel, enemy or ally we've been like that. I don't see that changing. He's the World Champion for a reason, and I expect him to bring it. Because I for damn sure am.

SFJ420: Anything else?

DM: Stank better not step out of line. I'm done fucking around. Cock-a-doodle-doo, motherfucker.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

**SFJ#47 approaches L.D. Williams.**

SFJ#47: “L.D., at Mayhem Wednesday night, you tried to end Chris Evans' career -”

LDW: “I did no such thing. If I wanted to put Evans out, he’d be lying next to his partner. And speaking of, – Eco, don't think for a minute that Chris Evans living to fight another day had anything to do with our little conversation. Your vague threats are laughable. There will be 'consequences' if my behaviour doesn't meet your lofty standards? Who the hell are you to judge me? Worry about the Sons and your own partner, and stay out of the Five’s business.

SFJ#47: “This week you have a tag team match with Onslaught champion Matt Folz against Chris Evans, and Ravenna Blue. Your thoughts?”

LDW: “The fact that Evans is willing to climb back in the ring with me after last week tells me he may yet earn that ‘Lionheart’ nickname he wants so badly. Miss Blue? I have to admit, I’m impressed. I may not agree with her decision to oppose the Five, but I respect it, and admire the fact she’s willing to take a stand. It’s unfortunate that she, like Evans, chose the wrong side to stand on. As brother Stank says – we are the only Five, which means Evans and Miss Blue must be victims.”

SFJ#47: “And the Onslaught Champion?”

LDW: “Matt, as the saying goes, we’ve established what you are. If someone, say a certain wannabe savior, were to approach you to negotiate price, you would be wise to remember that you’ll only cross the Five – more importantly, you’ll only cross me – once.”

[mooseheadjack]

(Tytan runs into Ecosystem.)

Tytan: Been looking for you.

Eco: Yeah, hey.

Tytan: You look down.

Eco: Just frustrated. I'm sorry I gave in on Wednesday.

Tytan: Hey, that was me a week and a half before. Maybe you shouldn't have yelled your head off at me then, huh?

Tytan: Like I was saying, Ravenna never returned my calls.

Eco: So you assumed she didn't care? Tytan, Ravenna has AT&T!

Tytan: Oh geez. She never switched to...Verizon?



Tytan: See, I'm worried we undermine our fearsome nature when we do things like that.

Eco: Eh. When we're goofy, you tend to have that belt over your shoulder. (Points to the DDT title.) Poe was kicking the shit out of people for a long time as champ, and he has a Disney star follow him around. Goofy doesn't mean you don't command respect.

Tytan: ...Did we ever respect Poe?

Eco: Like I was saying maybe we should just go pay Ravenna a visit.

Tytan: Sounds good.

(Camera fade, camera up. Eco and Tytan are knocking on the Heroes' door. Ravenna opens.)

Ravenna: Good to see you both.

Tytan: You never returned my calls.

Ravenna: I tried to, but reception kept cutting out.

Eco: Do you have AT&T?

Ravenna: ...Yes.

Tytan: Well, there you go. Look, our focus is on the tag titles right now...but if you need partners, here we are. We just want to know we'll be supported.

Eco: Right. When people were calling us the leaders before, I think ti was more because we were the ones doing all the work than anything else.

Ravenna: (thinking about it) Tytan, may I speak to you privately for a second?

Tytan: Um...sure.

(Ravenna takes Tytan inside as Eco waits.)

Ravenna: Be honest. I can trust him?

Tytan: Eco? Yeah, he's damn strong behind this...almost too much.

Ravenna: Eh...bastard that he is, Moose made a good point. Eco can be somewhat....morally questionable in his methods.

Tytan: ...I just speared my opponent for this week on the way over here.

Ravenna: Ah.

Tytan: Through a table.

Ravenna: Got it.

(Eco opens the door.)

Eco: Huh. Not only can I hear through here, but it's not locked.

Ravenna: Well, that was for nothing...

Eco: Ravenna, I admit my methods are often off-putting. But you need to look at my intended ends versus the Five's ends. Like you, I am seeking some semblance of justice. To the extent that I have a history of manipulation from when i was much younger, I resent those people now. I resent the power-hungry, and I certainly have no affinity for the sadists. I understand that you don't believe the ends justify the means in the same way I sometimes do. And I want you to criticize me. I want you to get in my face and tell me there are better ways to instill fear than eating Moose's charred flesh--but then I want you to show me those equally effective ways.

Ravenna: ...okay. I can buy that. For now.

Tytan: So are we all on board together?

Ravenna: I'd say so. (points to Eco) But this one should know I don't take kindly to betrayal.

Tytan: (laughs) He's got a lot of flaws, Ravenna...but that's not one of them.

Eco: Thanks partner.

Ravenna: (smiling) Good to hear.

Eco: Just one thing bothers me.

Ravenna: What?

Eco: Stank and Davin are getting all the good racial humor this week.

Tytan: Do you have any jokes?

Eco: Just one. What's the best way to circumcise a redneck?

Tytan: What?

Eco: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Ravenna: That's vaguely misogynist.

Eco: Fair. The redneck could also be performing oral on his sister, but then the joke is more complicated.

Tytan: Ooh, I've got one. "How do you know if a Japanese person has robbed your house?

Eco: Hey--

Ravenna: How?

Tytan: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Ravenna: Hee hee.

BRICK~!: (popping in) How do you blindfold a Japanese guy?

Ravenna: How?

BRICK~!: Dental floss!

(All laugh except Eco.)

Super Mario: (also swinging in) Hey, I can make-a the funny!

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.

He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

(Eco storms off.)

Tytan: Where are you going?

Eco: Off to pay off Matt Folz to betray LD.

Ravenna: I question those methods!

Eco: Fine! I'm going to Taco Bell!

(Everyone cheers except Ravenna.)

Ravenna: Really? Taco Bell?

Super Mario: 89-cent burritos, Ravenna!



Ravenna: ...all right. But this is not becoming our official Team Food.

BRICK~!: Oh it already is.

Tytan: Majority rules.

(Ravenna groans and walks back inside her locker room.)

[mooseheadjack]

OOOVWF House Show Live From Dayton, Ohio

Chad Madison and Zane Myers finish off Brodie Delmarva and the Philly Satanic with a Double Dropkick for an easy 1..2..3. The jump out of the ring and over to the Crocket-TBS Styled Podium right beside the ringside area.

Zane: There you have it. Another easy victory.

*Crowd pops*

Chad: My partner and I have been talking and we've decided as long as we're stuck here, we might as well add the OOOVWF Tag Team Championships to out long list of accomplishments.

Zane: So Bay Bridge Boyz, its time to se whether or not you Measure Up

[mooseheadjack]

(As Chad and Zack walk backstage, Ecosystem suddenly rides into the hallway on Yoshi...Tatsu?)



Chad: Are you everywhere?

Eco: Sometimes.

Zack: No, but seriously, weren't you just REALLY FAR AWAY from here like, four hours ago?

Eco: Potentially.

Chad: Are you going to give more than one-word answers?

Eco: Soon.

Zack: Like...

Eco: Like now. Just wanted to wish you both luck in your quest for the OOOVWF Tag Team Championships. I'm glad to see you both chasing gold again.

Chad: Nice to hear.

Eco: That way, once you get the callup and I have the OOWF Tag Title back around my waist, Tytan and I can go about kicking your asses and unifying those.

Zack: You're an ass.

Eco: Sometimes. But I do look forward to seeing you both back. It's not the same without you. ONWARD YOSHI!

(Yoshi Tatsu throws up a really feeble kick. Chad and Zack both fall over in pain.)

Eco: No no. Back to the arena.

(Eco and Yoshi speed off.)

[mooseheadjack]

*Outback Jack, Seamus McNasty, and Wally are in the Rick's office. The GM appears very sandified*

GMTR: I made it a cage match for the safety of the fans, but I also have to keep you lunatics from killing each other! And don't get me started about how hard it will be to get someone to ref this match as it is, without bringing in weapons, barbed wire, or explosives!

OBJ: What about snakes? Or maybe scorpions?

GMTR: I'll eat a bug before I let that happen!

OBJ: If that's all it takes...*reaching into his vest pocket, until Wally elbows him, whie The Rick refills his flask*

SM: Maybe if you switched to a better brand of whiskey you'd be a happier person.

GMTR: Out! All of you! Now!

[mooseheadjack]

Zane Myers and Chad Madison stand and brush themselves of from the Yoshi attack. Chad stares blankly at Zane

Chad:.....

Zane:...... What?!

Chad... you... you CUSSED!!

Zane: ... That wasn't me. That was Zack

Chad: Oh..... That explains everything

[mooseheadjack]

Zack: WOO WOO WOO!

Zane: Seriously though, does Eco retain such little knowledge of our characters that he both forgot my name and that I don't curse?

Zack: YOU KNOW IT!

[mooseheadjack]

Firewoman is SITTING in a dark, secluded part of the arena, with a length of what looks like chain link fence. Moosehead Jack approaches, and glowers, seeing his favorite brooding spot taken.

MHJ: Don't you hang out in cemetaries? Pallets are kind of my thing.

FW: It's cold out. Twenty degrees (www.weather.com, a proud sponsor)

MHJ: Ah...So........that?

FW: This, my dear brother, is a portion of steel fencing, much like that which shall be enclosing us with Seamus McNasty and Outback Jack on Wedneday night.

MHJ: Ah....and we have it because?

FW: Because, my dear brother, while last week was loads of fun, it wasn't exactly smart.

MHJ: Channeling Ecosystem now?

FW: He may be a pompous ass, with all his delusions of grandeur, but he has a point with that "Work Smarter, not Harder" stuff.

MHJ: Okay.... so, your point?

FW: I'm still working on it. I got distracted by looking at this. Have you ever thought about steel, Moose?

MHJ: I'm going to say no, just so I can see where this is going.

FW: Amazing stuff, steel. An alloy of usually iron and carbon, but sometimes other stuff can be used. It's ancient, the earliest known find being 4,000 years old from Anatolia. It's amazingly strong and amazingly flexible and elastic as well.

MHJ: Did you swallow an encyclopedia?

FW: Wikipedia actually.

Firewoman hops down from the pallets and begins walking down the hallway. Moose follows, a mixture of amused and irritated. They continue walking as they talk.

MHJ: This is fascinating...really....but--

FW: So it's the perfect weapon. Strength and flexibility? What more can you want? And when you think about it, what is made of steel that doesn't have a martial value for either weapon or defense.

MHJ: Uh...buildings?

FW: Uh, aren't those defensive? I mean, really, the entire style grows out of medieval fortresses and--

MHJ: Okay, cars.

FW: You can run someone over with a car.

MHJ: I think this has more to do with the fact that you have the tendency to turn anything into a weapon, rather than anything inherent in steel.

FW: Maybe, but as we approach our rematch, we should think...strong, and flexible.

MHJ: You're not going to make me do yoga, are you?

FW: Why does Davin say I owe him $1.2 million?

MHJ: I dunno...

FW: I mean...I haven't touched him, despite not actually signing that whole no contact order. That wouldn't hold up in court, you know.

MHJ: Well, yeah, but--

FW: And while he did pay my fine for....what was that for again?

MHJ: I don't remember, but I can understand it hard to keep track when you have a rap sheet as long as yours. I was actually looking for you to tell you--

FW: So I guess when he said we were even, he lied. Small surprise there. Well, regardless. I got his precious wife back for him saving him at least twice that much money, and also with all her digits intact. And let me tell you, that took some major convincing and calling in of favors I was hoping to save for our next return to Japan.

They come to a stop in front of a locker room door. Fire motions for Moose to get out of sight, which causes a bit of a silent argument, but finally he relents and does. Firewoman knocks and the door opens revealing Davin Moreland. Before he can react, Firewoman takes the steel fencing and crashes it down on his head. Moreland crumples, and Fire takes a portion of it and uses it as a cheese grater on his face, sending small rivers of red running.

FW: If you're going to try to get 1.2 million out of me, I'm at least going to get my money's worth.

Firewoman dips her fingers into Davin's blood, and draws a large V on his locker room door. Firewoman walks away, and Moose comes out from around the corner.

MHJ: Was that wise?

FW: Who cares, it was fun. What was it you were going to tell me?

MHJ: Oh...we got a telegram.

FW: We did? Wait...people still send those?

MHJ: Apparently.

FW: Huh....

MHJ: Mom says hi.

FW: Mom's alive?

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank walks into GM The Rick's office.*

GMtR - Fuck. Okay... what.

Stank - Seriously?

*Stank sits in a chair opposite Rick who is sitting at his desk.*

GMtR - Let's pretend I don't know what you're talking about?

Stank - Fucktard.

GMtR -

Stank - Don't act like you don't know who that is.

GMtR - If you're referring to Davin Moreland... what about him?

Stank - Why would you put me in a match with him?

GMtR - One. He requested it. Two. The heat between you two could melt the polar icecaps. That means butts are in the seats and paychecks won't bounce.

Stank - What if I paid you to call off the match?

GMtR - Not like you to back down from a fight.

Stank - I'm not afraid to fight Fucktard. I'm disinterested. Fucktard is a total waste of my time.

GMtR - Then why did you hit him with a shovel?

Stank - That was personal. Besides much worse has been done to fucktard and fucktard didn't react with nearly the piss and vinegar he does with me. Wonder what that's about?

GMtR -

Stank - I'll give you two guesses and the first one doesn't count. Had anyone else smacked him in the grill with a shovel he would have simply hit them back when he got the chance and left it at that. But no... I smash his face in and he retaliates by attacking me after my match, becoming a pussy by invoking a no contact rule, then seeking a ridiculous gimmicked match with me in an attempt to bury the unburiable.

GMtR - First the match was MY idea.

Stank - Right that's why you sent Fucktard to tell me about it.

GMtR - Davin jumped you on his own. I didn't send him. He asked for the match. I saw dollar signs and told him I'd book it.

Stank - And the stips...?

GMtR - ...okay that was improvised but I didn't think you would object.

Stank - If it were anyone else... sure. But Fucktard bores me when he doesn't annoy me. There is no upside to a match between the two of us.

GMtR - You could regain the Intercontinental Title.

Stank - I could do that regardless. My point is I am tired of Davin Moreland. I'll pay you 2 million dollars to call it off.

GMtR - Look Stank I... wait... what?

Stank - 2 million.

GMtR - Christ... I... holy shit. 2 million?

Stank -


GMtR - No... I... as tempting an offer as that sounds, it's really out of my hands. The board has agreed the match is good for business and are moving forward.

Stank - I'll no show.

GMtR - Then you will be fired.

Stank - ...

GMtR - You're serious.

Stank -

GMtR - Lucas. Think about it. Is Davin really worth losing your job over?

Stank - The answer to that question is becoming less and less complicated the more Fucktard runs his mouth. Fucktard is thick. There is no reasoning with Fucktard because Fucktard doesn't listen. Fucktard only hears what he wants then takes your argument and presents it as his own. That is in large part why I stopped using big words, dumbed it down to the least common denominator, and smashed a shovel to Fucktard's face. I thought it the only response he might understand... but even that has failed. Perhaps a few more smacks will jar some of fucktard's brain cells loose where he'll finally get that HE SHOULD STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! Talk about an obsession... he has been on my jock since the day he stopped talking to clangy poles. And he has the nerve to call ME psycho.

GMtR - And uppity.

Stank - Uppity, right. Unfortunately that response is not unique to Fucktard. There are other fucktards out there who would respond the same way, were they called out on their bullshit like Fucktard was. I've been called worse. I'll take uppity. Why would you mention it Rick? You instigating?

GMtR - Absolutely. Don't you want to get your hands on Davin? Don't you just want to choke him?

Stank - Lift the no contact stip and I'll cheerfully do so.

GMtR - I can't do that.

Stank - Then we're right back where we started.

GMtR - Which is where... exactly?

Stank - I don't want a match with Fucktard... Intercontinental belt or no.

GMtR - LUCAS!

Stank -

GMtR - I should fire you.

Stank - I refuse to do business with fucktard.

GMtR - *sigh* Okay what if I we didn't sanction the match?

Stank - How does that help?

GMtR - No affect on your record. Technically you would just be fighting.

Stank - Will we still get paid?

GMtR - Yes.

Stank - Then no.

GMtR - For FUCK SAKE, LUCAS!

Stank - Tell Fucktard if he wants me in the ring then we do that match for free. You don't sanction the match and it will be like it didn't happen. The OOWF can keep the money generated but neither Davin or I get paid. Nothing get's put on the record books save year end reward noms... not that I expect this to be a 5 star classic. You get Fucktard to agree and I won't walk.

GMtR - If it goes down as you suggest, you won't gain the IC strap.

Stank - I don't care.

GMtR - Are The Five on board with this?

Stank - They don't need to be. It's like what LD alluded to. The Five doesn't define me. I'm part of The Five because of who I am. I'm not who I am because of The Five.

GMtR - Fine. I'll present Davin with your terms and let you know what he... oh shit.

Stank - What?

*GM TheRick grabs a remote and turns up the volume on a monitor set behind and to the right of Stank. We catch the last bit of Firewoman's promo including the attack on Moreland. Rick glares at Stank. Stank grins broadly but catches Rick's stare. Stank throws his hands up.*

Stank - Don't look at me. I had nothing to do with that.

*GM TheRick sets his jaw and starts to rub his forehead. Stank rises from his seat.*

Stank - Well... I'll leave you to it.

*Stank exits the door and nearly bumps into Alexander Darling.*

Stank - Hello champ.

AD - What the fuck was that?

Stank - What the fuck was what?

AD - My sister.

Stank - You know I thought about it and the more I do... I realize you really don't give a shit do you?

AD - Excuse me?

Stank - Sam? C'mon son. You trying to tell me that since Fucktard STOLE Sam from the Darling family and brainwashed her into marrying his sorry punk ass, that you actually give a shit about her? If you did you would have never allowed her to marry the douchebag in the first place.

*Stank pulls out a piece of cardboard with the phrase C'mon SON! written on it in black magic marker. He holds it up to his chest.*

Stank - C'mon SON! Getthefuckouttaherethatbullshit. Acting like you give a damn about your older sister after she betrayed the Darling name C'MON SON! Don't be steppin to me all indignant when you know you want to hurt Fucktard just as much I do... C'mon son.

*Stank walks away as the camera fades on Alex's confused expression.*

[mooseheadjack]

Inside OOOVWF General manager Eric O'Mac's Office.....


GMEOM: No. Just because you come in here and make threats I am not granting you a title match. I'm not Scaia. I won't just do whatever anyone asks.

Chad: What do we have to do? We've beaten every team you put in front of us!

GMEOM: Exactly. Beat every team you face for the rest of the month.

Zane: That's it... Consider it done. Eric, you of all people around here should know that no eam you can put in the ring with us could ever Measure Up

GMEOM: Stop. Right. There. No catchphrases in my office. GET OUT

[mooseheadjack]

(SFJ#52 spots CTG working on his laptop)

SFJ#52: Concrete, Poe has stated that he intends to "sacrifice" a hero at Mayhem this week - essentially you. Care to rebut?

CTG: (glances up) Citizen, I do not fear Poe. While he considers himself spiritual, I consider myself more connected to the real world.

SFJ#52: (glancing at the laptop) is your braid plugged into your computer?

CTG: (holds up his hands and the website changes to something else)

SFJ#52: Avatar geek (storms off)

CTG: (pulls his braid back) I'm the geek? my hair merely landed on my jumpdrive.....

[mooseheadjack]

Poe and Selena have finally arrived in Chamber V.

Poe: Gentlemen. I hope I find you all well.

LDW: Well is a relative term.

Poe: Touche.

Sa-T: Hi Mr. Williams! Hi Uncle Moose. Did you miss me?

MHJ: Of course Mouse. I assume things in the Maldives went...well.

Poe smirks at Moose and heads into his bed chamber.

Sa-T: Uh huh! Look what I got!

Selena digs through her bag and pulls out a tiara. She puts it on.

Sa-T: Cool huh?

Moose grabs the tiara off Selena's head.

Sa-T: Uncle Moose!

MHJ: You don't want to wear that.

Sa-T: Why not??

MHJ: Trust me.

LD Williams takes a shot from the bar.

LDW: Catchphrase drinking game.

Firewoman enters Chamber V.

MHJ: Sis...how's Jericho's jaw?

FW: Shut up!

Selena makes a show of crossing her arms and turning away from Firewoman. Firewoman smirks and goes into her locker room.

MHJ: Mouse...

Sa-T: I don't wanna talk about it.

Moose sighs and plops down on the couch.

[mooseheadjack]

**L.D. Williams is at the bar in Chamber V when his cell phone rings. Since his phone is cheap and unsponsored, we only hear his side of the conversation.**

LDW: “Hello? Hey Don, how’s it…really? Cool, I…Seriously? Why would they…Yeah, we can do that. Come on down and we’ll…what, now? Oh for…wait…yeah, I think I can work something out. I’ll call you back.”

** Cut to commercials for other people’s cell phones, then back to Williams, leaning against the wall in the Hallway of Random Encounters. Again, he’s talking into his cell.**

LDW: “So, are we talking a big part or…hang on.”

**Williams sets down his phone and picks up a large sack. He swings it…and slams it into the side of Tytan’s head as he rounds the corner. Williams kicks a cardboard cutout over on top of him. A referee materializes and makes the count.

WINNER, and new DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, a cardboard cutout of Dangerous Donovan Viper!

Williams stands the cutout up in front of an OOWF banner and drapes the belt over it’s shoulder. He backs up and takes a picture of it with his phone.**

LDW: “Got it…A bag of hammers, why?...Doesn’t everyone? I just sent you the picture. Well yeah, of course it’s grainy, with this phone, but that way they won’t be able to tell which belt it is…I don’t know, if they notice, tell them you’re such a badass even your image wins titles…Hey man, I got you the picture, the story is your problem.”

**Williams sidesteps, and Tytan charges by him, spearing the cutout – and the concrete wall behind it. He lands with an arm draped over the cutout. The referee materializes again.**

WINNER, and new DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, Tytan!

LDW: “Oh, I imagine he’s going to kill me when he wakes up…No problem Donnie. Good luck with the audition.”

<fade>

[mooseheadjack]

<Moose walk up to LD and sees Tytan lying there unconscious, Moose falls across Tytan and a referee appears.....

ONE.....TWO......THREE.....WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - MOOSEHEAD JACK

LD: Why?

MHJ: It will annoy Fire

<Moose and LD walk back into the Five Chamber and have a drink and sit down>

LD: So, cage match against Seamus and Jack?

MHJ: Are you interviewing me?

LD: Moosehead Jack, you have a cage match against Seamus McNasty and Outback Jack this week! You are teaming with your sister INSIDE A STEEL CAGE! What are your thoughts?

<LD holds the bottle of whiskey in front of Moose like a mic, Moose laughs and takes it, takes a big swig then speaks>

MHJ: LD, you and I have had legendary battles with The Aussies

LD: Match of the Year

MHJ: We put GatorBait out of action because he couldn't hang anymore, like an old hunting dog relegated to the porch while the rest of the pack hunts

LD: Or an old horse taken out behind the barn and shot

MHJ: I am not going to deny that Jack is one of the sickest bastards in the OOWF, and Seamus isn't far behind. And normally, normally that would give you one hell of an advantage. But not this week

LD: The Quinns

MHJ: Damn right. Fire, in case you haven't noticed, is in an especially foul mood. And, after last night's incident, I would imagine she will be even more pissed having to feed Rooster through a straw for the next few weeks.

It comes down to this. Who hurts the others more. Jack, Seamus, I have no doubt that you two will draw blood. I have no doubt that you two will cause immense pain. But you have to understand something about us. We are not out to prove a point by winning. We are not interested in adding to our repertoire of moves. We are not interested in accolades. All we are interested in, all we have EVER been interested in, is hurting people.

Right now, you two stand between Alexander Darling for me, and Davin Moreland for Fire. They are the next victims. But you two come first. You have our undivided attention this week, and that is the worst thing possible for you.

Trust me

LD: You know what would be a good match? Fire and Moose vs. KZ

MHJ: I think you would need three body bags after that one. Its a shame the Trios titles are dead, the Unholy Trio would be formidable.

LD: No, its better that they are dead. Once we got them, no one.....no one would take them from us.

Trust me

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland WANDERS~! into GM the Rick's office*

DM: You wanted to see me?

GMtR: I'm guessing you saw Stank's promo?

DM: Davin Moreland saw it.

GMtR: And?

DM: And, fine. I just want this to be it. We're done after this. He gets his last shot at glory, and I get to put him in the ground one final time, to prove that Davin Moreland is the better man.

GMtR: So yes?

DM: Yes. No problem. Anything to be rid of that waste of oxygen for good.

*He gets up to leave*

GMtR: Hey Davin?

DM: What do you want, now?

GMtR: Nothing, I just have a question to satisfy my curiousity...Why Stank? Why is it always Stank?

DM: You should know.

GMtR: Besides the war. It's more than that.

DM: Honestly?

GMtR: That'd be nice.

DM: He's the only one who ever promo'd on me, the only one who could keep up. But I'm done with it now. I'd rather not promo than have to deal with him ever again.

GMtR: Fair enough.

DM: Oh, one last thing...*he pulls a piece of cardboard out of his pocket* Lucas? If you still think you have a chance against me?

*He holds a sign up to the camera, and says nothing. It reads, "Child, please"*

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

*Inside the Darlings locker room*

Alexander: Shawn, you around?

Shawn comes out of her room and looks flustered.

OGM & AS SJ: What's up Alex?

Alexander: Do I even need to ask what you and my darling sister have been up to?

OGM & AS SJ: Oh no, it's not...I prom...um, what's up?

Alexander: It's time.

OGM & AS SJ: I thought you weren't going to.

Alexander: I wasn't, but things have changed.

Shawn turns around and is about to head back into her room when a microphone comes flying and Shawn grabs it in mid-air.

OGM & AS SJ: Thanks Alexis.

Alexander: Right, not what I think...mmmhmmmm.

OGM & AS SJ: Anyway, Alex, this week you have a title vs. title match with your former ally Davin Moreland. How do you feel about that?

Alexander: What can I say here? Davin and I have a history, there's no denying that. But that's all it is. HISTORY. I've climbed the OOWF ladder to become heavyweight champion without him and I will continue to be heavyweight champion with him. There was a time when Lexie and I would look to Davin and want him there to be the one to back us up. To be the partner we counted on when the time came. But again, that's all in the past. Now Davin refuses to go away. I want to show the world that I don't want or need him around to keep this belt around my waist and if it comes down to a choice between me and him, well I'm going to go out there Wednesday and prove once again that I am just a better man than Davin Fucking Moreland.

OGM & AS SJ: But inside the ring with you and Davin, will be a member of The Five. Stank petitioned GMtR and got placed as the special ref for this match. Any comments?

Alexander: I find it fucking hilarious that Rick is back to his old games of playing favorites. It's no secret that Rick and Stank have a history and that Rick holds no love for the Darlings. So what's he do, he not only makes me defend my belt, but he puts a member of the group I've decided to destroy once and for all as the referee. But the bottom line is I don't care if Stank, Moose, or Pee Wee Moore are the ref for the match. I will beat Davin Moreland with any of them as the ref and if Stank wants to stick his fat self in my way, well then I'll just have to take him down too.

OGM & AS SJ: After last week's match with Stank, some might think he has a psychological advantage since he was really doing a number on you before getting disqualified.

Alexander: No question about it. Stank is a tough mother fucker and it's always going to be a battle facing him, but he shocked me last week. I made sure to go out of my way and try and have a clean fight with him. I wanted to go into that ring and prove that Stank wasn't going to be one to dethrone me and what's Stank do. He gets himself intentionally disqualified. Now he may claim that he just wanted to hurt me, but deep down, he's afraid. He's afraid that I may be right and that Stank is about to be forced into extinction. That's he's nothing but a fossil in the OOWF and that I am the present and future. Anytime Stank wants to try and prove me wrong, he can do it in the center of the ring like a man and not the coward he was last week.

OGM & AS SJ: Any other comments on The Five?

Alexander: Just a few. First, to Poe. Congratulations.

OGM & AS SJ: Congratulations for what?

Alexander: He knows and that's all that matters. In fact, someone else will be saying those exact words to Poe at Dance of Death and maybe, once and for all, we can put that history behind us. Secondly, to the Quinn family. Two years I've been in this company with you. I've known you both a lot longer. Friends, family with one and bitter, hated enemies with the other and yet you are both so remarkably similar. Lots of talk and nothing else. Fire will claim that she's walked the walk with people like Tytan and others but that's nothing. When it comes to things that matter, Lisa Quinn is nothing but a bitch. She will talk about burning me and my family or whatever her fetish of the week is, yet she won't do it, because deep down, she knows that she can't get to me. She can't get to Lexie and that will be her downfall.

OGM & AS SJ: And the other member of the family?

Alexander: Moosehead Jack? Don't even bother me with that. I came in this company and the first person I went after was the big, bad Moosehead Jack. I carved his back up. Left my mark on him. And if that wasn't enough, I even kidnapped the poor sap for a weekend. And what did he do to me? He called me names. He said I wasn't worth his time. And all of that is a lie because when all is said and done is that I have continued to be a thorn in his side and he can't shake me. And now that I have become the champion of this company, he finally thinks that I will find the time to deal with him. Guess what Moose, you're right. Because unlike you, I'm not afraid of you. Never have been. Never will be. You want to make the OOWF run red with my blood, so what. Been there, done that. You want to wear my skin as a coat. Big words. Don't care. Because when all is said and done, you will still be nothing more than a garbage wrestler who I decided to waste a few weeks destroying from one end of the arena to the other and at the end, I'll still be OOWF World Heavyweight Champion.

OGM & AS SJ: No catchphrase to finish it off this week.

Alexander: It's not necessary Shawn. Davin, Stank, Fire, Moose...I don't care who they are anymore. If they don't get it by now, they never will.

From behind Alexander in a very slinky blank negligee.
Alexis: And that's because he's Alexander Darling, and well, none of you are. Booyah, Bitches!!!