OOWF Blood, Sweat and Fear PPV

[mooseheadjack]

Blackdragon vs. LD Williams vs. Mark Vander vs. Attitude Adjuster - Winner gets a shot at Johnny Adrenaline's Intercontinental Title later that night
Niles Anderson vs. UnderDawg - OOWF World Title Steel Cage Match
Firechild vs. Thim Reynolds - Onslaught Championship Tournament Finals!
3Piece Set vs. Outback Jack & GatorBait vs. FF Capslock & Stank vs. Revolution XX - Hell In The Cell OOWF Tag Title Match
Moosehead Jack & Concrete TG vs. Uncle Entity & Mercury - Steel Cage Weapons Match
Johnny Adrenaline vs. ?
The Devil's Brigade vs. Hellion & Corax - reunion of one of OOWF's most sucessful team!
Chris Alt vs. Donovan Viper
GimmickMan & Microplay vs. Endo & Morte
SoulDragon vs. Semaj B
JW Westgaard vs. Seraph vs. Tommy Wilder vs. Capellan - 4 corners elimination match
Just added! Hardbody Harris vs. Canadian Dragon

Card could change, or not

[mooseheadjack]

*The action picks up where The Wizard of Hard left off last time. SFJ867-5309, Boom Mic Man, Camera Man, and the Cowardly Lion have left the Wizard’s (and Zordon’s) chambers in their quest to steal the Rick’s whiskey bottle. Only then will SFJ be able to conduct her EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with Hardbody Harris.*

SJF: Hurry, guys. The PPV card has already been announced and we still have to grab The Rick’s booze and get my interview!

Camera Man: Well, we have no time to lose!

*The four skip, skip, skip away, singing “Follow That Fellow Rick’s Road, Follow That Fellow Rick’s Road” merrily through various settings. After the extended musical sequence, they arrive at a door inside an arena. It reads OOWF GM*

Cowardly Lion: I’m scared, SFJ Jenny.
SFJ: Well, this is the only way to get your courage. Come on!

*SFJ carefully opens the door and peeks in. One can see The Rick’s bald head facing away from the camera. A strange sound is rhythmically pulsating from the room.*

The Rick: oh Molly oh Trish oh Molly oh Trish oh Molly oh Trish oh Molly oh Trish oh oh oh oh oh oh OH MY GOD ERIN ANDERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (heavy breathing)

*SFJ shuts the door in fright, looks at the camera, and gives an “I knew it look.” Fade to commercial.*






*We return from commercial with the four still waiting outside the door, sitting down. Boom Mic Man is holding a cup to the door, wincing until he pulls away with a smile.*

BMM: I think he’s finally done; he’s snoring. Let’s go.

*SFJ again opens the door, pushing it gently. The Rick is passed out on his desk, his head lying in a Divas magazine. In his right hand is a ¾ bottle of whiskey, capped and within reach. SFJ cautiously moves toward the bottle and brushes it with her fingers.

Like a cat, The Rick is up, awake, and pissed. He stands up and leers over SFJ in a fit of fury.*

The Rick: What in the world is up with this douchebaggery? Stealing the Rick’s liquor? I think not. In fact, you sandy-vaginad little girl, if you can handle this man’s juice, I’ll eat a bug. And your little dog, too!
SFJ: That’s a lion

The Rick: Whatever. I want you out of this office immediately!

*SFJ turns to go, but in an amazing display of OMG COURAGE, the Cowardly Lion leaps to action. He pulls a Corona Light out from Camera Man’s bag, shoves a slice of lime in it, and splashes it on The Rick. His face begins to sizzle.*

The Rick: Oh, you cursed toolbox! Look what you’ve done! I’m melting! Melting! Oh, what a world…

*Before they can watch him melt away into oblivion, SFJ grabs the whiskey bottle and joins the trio in bolting out the door. We cut to commercial, steam and smoke billowing out The Rick’s office.*




*We return from commercial as the motley crew is on the front steps of the glass mansion. They all knock on the door nervously, pondering their fate in light of their final test. The giant door opens on its own, and they enter. The monstrous head loom above them.*

SFJ (raising the whiskey bottle up almost as an offering): We have what you want! The Rick’s private stock is yours! Now, will you grant me the interview?

Harris: That bottle is a joke! It’s not even a fifth! No deal!

SFJ: Dammit Hardbody, we risked our lives for this! We heard the Undisputed Lord and GM flogging the bulldog! Please, you owe us this!

Harris: I don’t owe you anything. Begonia!

*SFJ begins to beg and plead her case. Boom Mic Man gets bored and starts looking around the room, and sees a pyramid of Ben and Jerry’s cartons in the corner of the room. He walks toward it, and a familiar hand is seen pulling levers and scooping ice cream. Boom Mic Man kicks down the dairylicious structure, revealing Hardbody Harris with a pint of Cherry Garcia between his legs. He panics.*

Harris: Uh, pay no attention to the man behind the ice cream! I am the great and…uh, crap. What do you want?

Cowardly Lion: We knew you were there all along.

Harris: You did? Crap. Okay, you win. I’ll grant the interview.

SFJ: Finally! First, I guess, is what’s with all the ice cream?

Harris: Well, after I lost my umpteenth consecutive title shot, I snapped. I lost my smile. I was on the verge of doing some very bad things, so I went into hiding in this, my fortress of solitude. The junk food has helped me deal with my loneliness, but I still work out. This stuff is just so good!

Anyway, I decided I couldn’t step back into the ring until I had a reason too. And I still don’t. I don’t have that fire yet, and I haven’t even watched OOWF in two months.

SFJ: So you don’t know about Fievel?

Harris (interest piqued): F-fievel?

SFJ: He went looking for you. He needed a hero, but you were nowhere to be found. Instead, he put his trust in someone else, and this someone has locked him in a safe. He’s going to run out of air and die, Hardbody!

Harris (jumps up, kicking cartons all over the place in desperation): Who has him? I’ll kill the mousenapper, I swear it!

SFJ: It was…Canadian Dragon. And he wants you at this Sunday’s PPV, entitled Blood, Sweat, and Fear. Your little buddy is on the line.

*Hardbody grabs the microphone and looks in the camera, his former self reemerging.*

Harris: DRAGON! No, not Black, or Soul. Sorry. CANADIAN DRAGON! I leave everyone alone, I go away so I don’t end up killing anyone, and this is what you do? Do you have a death wish, son? You spill any of Fievel’s blood, and I swear on a juicy gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream that I will get vengeance. You want me at the PPV? Well, as they say, the card is subject to change. You should have let sleeping dogs lay, my friend, because you’ll be the first to fall to the new and improved Hardbody Harris. Fievel, I’m comin’ to get you.

Finally, the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF has come BACK to his home in the OOWF. And as you’ll soon discover, Dragon, there’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place…like home.

[mooseheadjack]

Semaj IS TALKING~! to Difficult Queries Josh Grisham.

DQJG: Semaj at Blood, Sweat, and Fear you're going to face an old teammate in SoulDragon. Since his return to the ring, SoulDragon has demonstrated a new-found mean streak. How do you think your past friendship will play into the match?

SB: A very fine question indeed Josh. Well I’ll take nothing away from SoulDragon. ‘e’s certainly a tough bloke and a challenging opponent. Fact is, I don’t expect our past together to ‘ave much influence in our match. SoulDragon is going to bring everything ‘e’s got to the ring and so will I. We’re both going to walk into that ring to show which of us is the better man.

DQJG: But you have to be worried especially with SoulDragon coming with back-up in the form of Random Appearance Guy, how will you counter the possibility of outside interference?

SB: Simple Josh, I don’t expect there to be any outside interference. SoulDragon will always be a true member of the As-Yet-Unnamed-Face-Faction. ‘e may ‘ave ‘ardened ‘is ‘eart, but ‘e knows that the truest test of a man is in the ring against a worthy challenger free of outside forces and that means our match will only be between us.

[mooseheadjack]

(Hurri-crete reads the board, seeeing his match. He crosses his arms, expression stoic)

SFJ187: Hurri-crete, this upcoming back at Blood, Sweat and Fear is a match that is something you're not unfamiliar with. Any thoughts?

CTG: CITIZEN BIMBO! It seems that there is a truly evil plot afoot, but this time it is NOT the enemy who plans it. My pugnacious sidekick Moosey is to blame for this stipulation, and somewhere he smiles.

SFJ187: Why do you think he chose the stipulation?

CTG: Despite my fervent attempts to bring him to the side of justice and fairness, he seems mired in a morass of darkness and solitude. He thinks that somehow I would be dragged down to such depths; he thinks that perhaps even the greatest of superheroes has a dark side.

SFJ187: are you referring to the barbed wire cage weapons match?

CTG: All heroes face dire circumstances, it comes with the job! It's how we handle the circumstances that seperate the common man form the superheroes.

SFJ187: so what will be the difference at the PPV?

CTG: .... (almost sounding like he drops character) I don't know, this time...... (turns and walks back down the hall..... he has a Moose to speak with)

[mooseheadjack]

OBJ: I came here to kick ass and eat bugs, and I'm all out of bugs!
GB: Not that he's telling you anything you don't already know.

SFJ17: I am so about to hurl!

[mooseheadjack]

As Concrete walks away down a dark corridor the camera stays on SFJ187 who is about to say something vapid and pointless, in the distance we hear Concrete yell. A few seconds later we hear the thud of something striking skull and hear the sound of metal being dropped on the ground.

SFJ187 and cameraman rush over to Concrete, in the dim light you are just able to see Concrete laying on the floor, out cold, his face covered with mercury and a lead pipe laying near his feet. SFJ187 squeals and calls for help

<fade to black>

[mooseheadjack]

:Originally posted by Capellan

"Westgaard and Seraph are quality opponents, and I liked what I saw of Wilder this week. I think we'll put on a great match for the fans ... but it feels 'wrong' to be in an elimination match where nothing is on the line. I hope there's more to the match than we've been told, right now, or I might have to add a stipulation of my own." he suddenly dopped into a parody of the 'intense face' so beloved of wrestlers. "Loser pays cab fare!"

SFJ v3.27 is with JW Westgaard.

v3.27: Any reply to What Capellan had to say earlier?

JWW: Capellan, I look forward to scrapping with you and the new pup Wilder, Seraph he's a creepy little bastard but hey at least he wrestles clean.

v3.21: What about the match stips he wanted.

JWW: You want some stips on the match?
a little gentlemen's wager? Hell yeah you beat me, i'll pay your cab fair....Hell man you or wilder beat me, I'll even take you boys out and get ya good and liqoured up. If Seraph wants to join in the fun, he's more than welcome. Maybe we can get that boy to crack a smile with one of the ladies down at the Jiggly Room but for some odd reason I don't think thats his cup o' tea.

Cap, I'm looking forward to this!

cut to commercial.

[mooseheadjack]

BD and a lone cameraman are the only occupants of a dimly lit room. BD removes the ice pack from his forehead and allows his gaze to drift away from the camera for a moment. Redirecting his attention to his guest, BD speaks.

BD: Another fatal fourway, another shot at one of the prestigious belts in our company. Three guys stand between me and an InterContinental Title Match. I wanted to like one of these guys, I never trusted another, and the third left me with a preview of things to come. (rubs his head from where he took LD's DDT) But all that's irrelevant now. There can't be too many future shots at the IC title for me, so I have to step up and take it to my opponents as only I can. I'll let MrVander do the high flying and allow Mr. Capps and Mr. Williams to brawl until their hearts are content. Me, I'm picking people apart. I'm breaking them down until whomever is left in the ring with me is forced to submit. And when my hand is raised in victory, you're next Johnny Boy.

You see, tonight I learned two things about you. The first is that, contrary to popular opinion, you actually can wrestle a match straight up if you want to. And secondly, I learned that you have a pretty good sense of humor. I mean, not knowing my name or not caring for that matter? That my friend is classic. But as funny as that was, it pales in comparsion to the biggest recurring joke in the OOWF. Your title reign. A title reign that will end at my hands. The very hands that put out Soul Dragon. You know, the other dragon that just happened to beat you tonight. Now I don't take that as an indication that when I win my four way match, that our match will be a walk in the park. But it did plant this lovely idea in my hand. Not only am I going to relieve you of your belt, I'm going to relieve you of your workload for a few weeks as well. You see, despite what the announcers or I say, you do work hard "defending" your title every week. So being the nice guy that I am, I figured I'd give you a break. Or more specifically, break something of yours. An ankle, an arm, your neck. See you claim to not know me, and that's fine by me. Whether you do or don't, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that this Sunday, you're leaving the ring several pounds lighter. And not only will you know me as the new Intercontinental Champion, you will know what it's like to tap out to me.

[mooseheadjack]

FF Capslock and Stank are in their locker room.

Stank - You've been holding out on me.

FFCaps - Whatcha talkin about?

Stank - You busted out a new move in our last match.

FFCaps - Same as the last move. I just turned the pain quotient up by 10.

Stank - Well I've got something planned myself for the PPV... CLANG!

FFCaps - What the hell was that?

Stank - I don't know... anyway... What I'm going to do is take OBJ's little skull and... CLANG!

FFCaps - Dammit Stank what the fuck?

Stank - I heard it too. What the fuck is that?

FFCaps - It sounded like it came from over there in the corner.

Stank - I thought I heard it over here at this end.

FFCaps - Ah forget it... I don't hear anything now. You were saying?

Stank - Right... Anyway... I have something extra planned for Outback and Gaitorbait and it involves Ax & Cole. You see Firechi... CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

FFCaps - LOOK OUT!

Capslock tackles Stank as Stank narrowly misses having an anvil fall on his head.

Stank - Shit! Rick warned us about this anvil thing.

FFCaps - Yeah he did. I guess we shouldn't strategize on camera.

The cameraman just stands there self-consciously as Stank approaches him. Stank gently takes him by the shoulder and escorts him out. The last shot is of FF Capslock and Stank's dressing room door shutting... CLANG!

FFCaps - WILL YOU JUST GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE??

[mooseheadjack]

*Camera fades to a dark room*

CD: "Are you worried about Fievel? He is safe Hardbody...and don't worry, he has air food....all the things I mouse could want...except a hero.

You see, you think I'm hurting him, but the truth is I've protected Fievel. Since he has been in my safe he has been protected from all the evil that surrounds the OOWF. He has avoiding the parking lot, avoiding chemicals, and avoiding the falling sexy female journalists.

See while you've been gone, the OOWF has become a dark place full of caos and destruction. And it was YOU who brought Fievel here...it was YOU who put him in danger, and if any of his blood was spilt...it was YOU who is resposnible."

*The camera zooms in on the safe and shows a small hand reaching out.*

"He's reaching out for you Hardbody. I've protected him for so long that he doesn't even know how you've become a quitter, a man who could not fight through the pain...he still thinks you have you're smile.

So Hardbody, I ask that as you walk down that aisle, as you look up and see Fievel in my safe know this. It's YOU who made Fievel the prize of this match."

*Camera zooms in on Canadian Dragon's face.*

CD: "This Sunday Hardbody...me and you...main event. Let's see if the OOWF still has a hero."

*Fade to black.*

[mooseheadjack]

SFJ#427 enters the locker room finding RG and SD sitting and talking

SFJ: Uhm SD may I have a few words with you?

SD: Uhm, sure come in, and take a seat.

SFJ: Uhm is Canadian around?

SD: No just me and Random

SFJ: Okay...*sigh of relief*

*Comes in and takes a seat across from SD*

SFJ: Uhm Soul about your match...

SD: Hmm...what about it?

SFJ: Many have already suspected that you will be coming to the ring accompined by Random, uhm is that true?

SD: Ah well to tell you the truth, I really dont know if Random will be ABLE to walk to the ring...

RG: WHAT!? No faith!?

SFJ: Hm? What are you talking about?

SD: Oh nothing, and no I was just joking Random. Well Uhm...err what is your name you are not wearing a tag..

SFJ: My name is Morgan Anderson

SD: Well Morgan, the truth is that I will be coming to the ring alone, why? I know that your next question so I'll answer that too. I'm not really a man of honor. But that'll change for only two things. If I face a man that deserves honor and if I'm facing my mentor. And Semaj, you deserve honor. Therefore, this match will be as fair as possible, no interferance, no Weapons, nothing. If you win that night, I will not be angry, I will not be fustrated, I WILL be Satisfied. Knowing that a honorable man in my eyes has defeated me.

MorganA: Wow..uhm what a speech. Well thank you for your time.

SD: Anytime Morgan, now may I ask you a question?

Morgan: Uhm sure...

*SD gets on one knee and grabs her hands*

Morgan: Geh!?

SD: Will you bare my children, I may not live after this match...

*With reflects she pulls her hands away and slaps him hard enough to make him tumble over*

RG: Oh my god.....

*SD gets up and looks at her*

SD: Jeez it was just a joke!

RG: Or was it?

MA: I barely know you!

SD: Yea so...I barely know you too Looks like we are in the same boat

RG: Jeez.....

SD: Eh you can leave now I'm still heelish you know....lucky I aint the other Dragon....wait...

*Peeks out of the locker room*

SD: Hmm Hey I think I hear him,

*He turns to see no Morgan thier at all*

SD: Damn..that was fast

[mooseheadjack]

JW Westgaard is Walking!

he walk around a corner and almost runs into Tommy Wilder.

JWW: sup rook

Right as Wilder is about to say something, Capellan walks into the piture,

JWW loks at the other two men and says

Jww: You boys ready to tear down the house tonight?

TW: oh yeah, it'll be quite the rush

Capellan: It'd be my pleasure to have you two pay for my cab fare

JWW: Good then, see you in the ring....and you better bring your "A" game

cut to commerical

[mooseheadjack]

*Chris Alt is walking into the PPV arena in his street clothes, with a bag slung across his shoulder. Niles Anderson and Attitude Adjuster are standing by a Coke machine just inside*

NA: <grinning cockily> Well, well. Look who it is.

CA: What's up... Champ?

NA: I like the sound of that. I think I like the sound of Chris Alt conceding that I am indeed the champ.

CA: Yeah, I bet you do. Well, you are. You're the man, now, Niles. Congratulations.

AA: No thanks to you. I thought you were gonna have his back out there?

CA: Doesn't look like he needed me anyway.

NA: Where were you, anyway, Alt?

CA: Phone call. I lost track of time. I'm sorry. But you have the belt, so it doesn't look like it's anything to get bent about.

AA: Phone call, huh? Who were you talking to? Your little girlfriend that you seem to be calling and checking in with before you make a single move, lately?

CA: Why yes, Capps. You're absolutely right. And your mother said if I saw you to tell you she said hello.

<AA appears outraged and takes a step forward, but NA chuckles, and AA glares but steps back>

CA: Cool it, Adjuster. I'm just kidding with you, dude.

AA: Yeah. Yeah, I know. It's cool.

CA: Anyway... good job, Niles. I know we've had our differences in the past, but I respect you. And uh... man, this isn't easy for me to say, but... man, it's not like I wanna kick it with you outside of work or anything, but... well, I'm proud of you, dude. It's about time we had a champion with some dignity and honor around here. <CA offers his hand. NA hesitates for a moment, and then shakes it>

NA: Thanks, Chris. That means something to me, coming from the only person that's ever been able to beat me clean.

CA: Thanks. I got stuff to do, so I'm going to take off. Good luck against Dawg tonight. I think you can beat him.

AA: You gonna wish me luck against Johnny Adrenaline?

CA: No. HA! I'm kidding, Adjuster. Good luck tonight.

NA: Well, good luck to you against Viper. I'm glad you're finally able to get a fair fight against that skeeze. Too bad I took the title off of him first.

CA: Yeah, it is too bad... <starts to walk off, then turns around> But I think it'd do a lot more for my career winning my first OOWF World Championship from you, anyway.

<CA and NA both give each other arrogant glares of mutual respect, contempt, and a reluctant sense of admiration for each other. Then CA gives AA the head nod and leaves. Fade to black.>

[mooseheadjack]

The arena is dark, the crowd riled up with anticipation, and then - Capellan's music hits and the crowd goes nuts! a thousand taxi signs get waved for the camera's attention and then from the back a yellow taxi-cab drives into the arena. When the taxi reaches centre stage, the music stops and the crowd is treated to a replay of Capellan's interview from earlier"

:Originally posted by Capellan
"Westgaard and Seraph are quality opponents, and I liked what I saw of Wilder this week. I think we'll put on a great match for the fans ... but it feels 'wrong' to be in an elimination match where nothing is on the line. I hope there's more to the match than we've been told, right now, or I might have to add a stipulation of my own." he suddenly dopped into a parody of the 'intense face' so beloved of wrestlers. "Loser pays cab fare!"

suddenly, the cab door opens and the arena is filled with that blinding white light that signals that the taxi's occupant is not in fact Capellan, but Seraph!

Seraph calmly walks away from the cab and then turns and does a running baseball slide across the hood smashing through the windshield. He climbs out of the cab again - this time grabbing a crow bar and proceeds to smash the hell out of the vehicle - all the while with an eerilly serene expression on his face - tranquil (but not intense, as Capellan would have people believe). When he is done - he looks at the carnage wroght by his hands and calmly removes three twenty dollar bills from his pocket. Places them neatly on the mutilated heap of scrap metal that was the cab and walks away.

Lights dim.

[mooseheadjack]

(we peek in the infirmary, where Hurri-crete is getting treated)

CTG: Gah~!! owow.... >.< dammit

Medic: hold still, I'm trying to wash this stuff out of your eyes

CTG: that shit STINGS!

Moose: (walking in) that doesn't sound very heroic......

CTG: >.< Moose, my faithful sidekick - I was attacked backstage by our hated foes! Mercury throwing the viscous quicksilver to my eyes, then Uncle Entity struck me down with a pipe! This will NOT go unpunished!!

Medic: Okay, I'm trying this again (tries to rinse Hurri-crete's eyes)

CTG: GAH~! >.<;;;;;;;;

Moose: (strangely smirks) don't worry, 'crete, we'll make sure to deal a lot of "Justice" to them..... you just get your vision cleared.

CTG: Moose.... find em .... tell them that what I'll be doing to them will be.... less than heroic......

Moose: I'll do that. Trust me.

(Moose walks out of the infirmary and picks up a pipe and chuckles)

Moose: I should be a motivational speaker.

(Moose walks down the hall as he hears Hurri-crete yelling again)

[mooseheadjack]

SFJ 3.27 is talking to Tommy Wilder -

3.27 - Tommy, just one week after your debut match in OOWF, you find youself on the PPV in a 4-Way Elimination match - How do you feel?"

TW - Whew - They sure throw in you off the big drop in a hurry 'round here, huh? Skate or die! <Grins> But it's all good. Excatly why I came to the OOWF!

3.27 - Why is that?

TW - Why? Geeze Suzie, look around! See what the guys around here are doing! Dudes going through walls, blowin' up cars, eatin' bugs, flying through the air and rippin' into each other to be the VERY best. Man, THAT is how to live - - -

3.27 - And your competition at Blood, Sweat and Fear?

TW - What can you say about those guys?

JW Westgaard? Tech man, pure tech. All the moves and tough as all hell. Brian Deegan of the OOWF - never down for long, never far from gold. It's gonna be rightous just to give it a run with him in the ring!

And Capellan? He has 1 loss - that kind of say a lot, don't ya think? He might be one of hte few guys who can keep up with my speed, *and* he has that wicked martials arts background. And you gotta like the 'tude - cool and smooth as Kelly Slater on a curl - just killah, bro.

Then there's Seraph - Man, what can you say? Dude comes across real laid back, kinda zen, you know? Same time though, he get you in the ring and goes all Manson on you. You get the idea that tain him on is like jumping onto a rail for a grind - looks safe enough, but you don't want to miss....


3.27 - And where does Tommy Wilder fit in?

TW - Me? Hey, like JW said, I'm the rookie - I gotta work my way up the food chain here, and prove I belong. Only way I can do that is full out - go 100 MPH throw it all in the air and go for broke, you know? Win, lose, draw - the RIDE is the thing babe - you KNOW how life is gonna turn out - same way for everyone. So it isn't WHERE or WHEN the trip ends, but HOW you make the trip!

3.27 - And the bet?

TW - HA! Oh heck yea, I'm in! After the match, I'ld love to go toss back a few with those guys! And if I win this thing, I'll even BUY a round!

Heck, it might be worth it just to see what happens when we get 8 - 9 Red Bull and Jagers into Seraph.....

See you out there guys! I'll be easy to find!

Just....Look....UP!

[mooseheadjack]

The 3 Piece Set are busy laying their plans for the PPV....

OK, they're actually laying some 'tune up' groupies (young ones that dont test the stamina too much, but do get the blood pumping, saavy?) getting mildly wasted on only the lowest calorie sipping whiskey, and arguing over exactly which Kerry King solo was the most intense......

...but in the midst of all this they decide to discuss they're PPV matches.

FC: Damn, I thought I was in for a tough match, but I get Semaj's pussy buddy instead.... I thought I'd be facing Dragon.

CC: Yeah, but Dragon had called out Hardbody, so he was always gonna be in the main event. Only Kurt Angle gets to fight upper card storyline matches the same night he finishes a tournament.

FC&Ax: ?

CC: Sorry, were not meant to know this shit.......

Ax: But what about our match, this is like the Download ((OOC: for our US & Canadian subscribers, Download is a metal festival, now played at the old Monsters of Rock site at Castle Donington, the full line up for which I will detail at the bottom. Best. Festival. Ever.)) of Tag Team Title matches. Us, Revolution Female Chromosome, The Smelly Guys and Steve Irwin & CrocBoy. In a Cell.
Damn, if this one doesnt prove beyond all doubt that we are the greatest tag team champions ever, then hell, Ill just have to kill myself.

Firechild slaps Ax across the face.....

FC: Don;t you dare turn emo on us!

They brawl like brothers for a few seconds, until they realise that Cole is making off with the last bottle of whiskey, a scuffle ensues and they end up on the floor laughing their heads off.

FC: Don't worry guys, tonight will see our names enshrined in legend, me as the first Onslaught Champion, the greatest living technical wrestler, and you guys having once again defeated three of the hardest teams in the world, but this time inside a DEMONIC STEEL CAGE, CUSTOM BUILT FOR INJURY...

Firechild seems to sway, and is caught by Cole.

CC: Damn man, that Oklahoma BBQ steak still affecting you?

FC: A little man. Hell, once I've out wrestled Thim and got my gold, I'll be in the mood for a bit of.... extra-curricular so, would you guys mind if I moseyed down to ringside during your match?

CC&Ax: Course not man, chairs, flames or new toys?

FC: Just kinda want to make an impact on RevXX again, they don't call it the Wings of the Phoenix for nothing. I wonder if one of them wants to fly again, though some steel........

All three get contemplative looks on their faces, followed by looks of evil glee.

Cole's mobile phone goes off, and he reads the message.

CC: Hey, Ax put that monitor on, it seems our little packages are about to be delivered..

---------------------------------

A delivery guy walks up to the AYUFF locker room.
'Package for Thim Reynolds'
Thim accepts the package and opens it to find some WeightGain 5000 and this note.

'In anticipation of your crushing defeat at Blood Sweat and Fear, please find enclosed this consolation prize, compliments of the 3 Piece set.'

The same note is attached to some sanitary products for Capslock & Stank, a DVD box set of Warner's Taz for Gator & OBJ and the My Chemical Romance album for Revolution XX.

---------------------------------

The 3 Piece Set switch off their monitor, and can hear the outraged screams echoing through the arena.

Laughing, they break open the last bottle of whiskey and get back to business.


--------------------------------
AS PROMISED - DOWNLOAD 2005 BILL
(accrued from 3 stages, only bands I deem worthy mentioned)

Friday June 10th.
Raging Speedhorn, Napalm Death, FOZZY, Apocalyptica, My Chemical Romance, The Used, Billy Idol, Queen Adreena, Biffy Clyro, Megadeth, Garbage.

Saturday June 11th.
Jonny Truant, Helmet, American Headcharge, Bullet for my Valentine, Lamb of God, Chimaira, In Flames, The Dwarves, A, Alterbridge, Anthrax, Him, Velvet Revolver, Black Sabbath

Sunday June 12th
Henry rollins, Team Sleep, Therapy?, Mastodon, Lacuna Coil, Motorhead, Papa Roach, Killswitch Engage, Nightwish, Slayer, Slipknot, System of a Down.

Sheer. Bloody. Immensity.
Although I will need to make a choise between Therapy, Motorhead and System on the sunday. This year.....SOAD wins.

[mooseheadjack]

TR: OK Semaj. If and when the AYUFF does gather themselves back together we'll talk about it. Until then there's nothing to join anyway so let's just drop it.

SB: Oh come on Thim, Beast is coming back, we're starting to gather momentum again. You know we could do with someone like you joining us, and I know that you could do with the backup.

TR: Backup schmackup Semaj. I will not get involved in this gang warfare s**** that goes on around here all the time. That's why I like the Onslaught Championship . . . one on one. No weapons, no run-ins, just straight up wrestling.

SB: What like your first championship match against Attitude Adjuster where you only won because Niles and LD Williams interfered.

## Thim grabs Semaj by the lapels of his DJ and shoves him back up against a locker

TR: I didn't ask for that help and I didn't want it, and you know that Semaj

## Thim lets Semaj go and smoothes down the lapels of his jacket.

TR: I've finally got the chance to show what I can do around here properly and I'd appreciate some support from my friends. It's not my fault that you got knocked out already.

SB: woah, OK, OK calm down

## Thim and Semaj turn round as there is a knock at the door - SNIP
---
'Package for Thim Reynolds'
Thim accepts the package and opens it to find some WeightGain 5000 and this note.

'In anticipation of your crushing defeat at Blood Sweat and Fear, please find enclosed this consolation prize, compliments of the 3 Piece set.'
---

TR: oh very funny. Like this 350 pound gut isn't enough

SB: yea, you ought to do something about that you know Thim

TR: what is it with you today? I didn't come here expecting the Spanish Inquisition . . .

SB (in a funny voice): NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!

TR: eh??

SB: oh nothing . . .

TR: now listen, are you going to help me with this plan or not?

SB: but I though you wanted this all one on one and above board?

TR: in the match yes, but this is all good CLEAN backstage fun - it's not actually going to hurt the guy at all . . . might help him out in the long run really

SB: OK, if you're sure

TR: cool. Come with me then, there's a few thing we need to prepare first.

[mooseheadjack]

After Seraph's demolition job, Capellan strolled out to the front, talking animatedly with Tommy Wilder,

"Dude, there's like these monster waves off Hawai'i where they tow you out on ski-jets and then --" he broke off as he saw the demolished cab. "Woah. I hope that guy has insurance."

Peering in through the shattered windscreen, Capellan spied the three twenty dollar bills. Scratching his head, he turned to Wilder,

"So, I guess that means Seraph is in for the bet, then?"

[mooseheadjack]

(UE and Mercury at at the local Home Depot preparing for their steel cage weapons match.)

Mercury picks up a chainsaw and shows it to UE.

UE: (Shakes his head) Too Leatherface.

Mercury then grabs a sledgehammer.

UE: (Again shakes his head). Too Triple H.

Mercury: All these things could do real damage. What were you thinking?

UE: Well, those aluminum garbage cans for one thing. They are metal so they look like they could hurt. But they are hollow and the metal is real thin. So all they really do is make a loud sound and collapse. Then there is this. (Picks up a folding chair) Again, it is metal and loud which fans really like, but if care is taken to hit Concrete with the seat part of the chiar while it is folded, all it will do is make a loud impact and come unfolded.

I also saw some cookie sheets while we at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Those are good because the rims are strong but the center is a very thin metal. So when you hit someone with it, your hands holding the outside of the rim absorb most of the blow.

Now HERE is some stuff that hasn't even been done before!

Mercury: Drywall?

UE: Yea, we pull this out from under the ring in already broken up pieces. This stuff is like powder so you can bang someone over the head with it and it wont hurt. The sound isn't so good but dust flies everywhere. It's a great effect for the fans. Maybe we can get Moosehead to bang his feet on the ring to compensate for the poor sound.

Mercury: Partner, we're supposed to HURT these guys, not LOOK like we are hurting these guys.

UE: Hmmmm...lead pipes and baseball bats?

Mercury: That's the ticket.

(Cut)

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline and Revolution XX are walking through the halls. Carl and Eric are goofing off a few steps behind Johnny, who is oblivious to everyone and everything around him until they barge into a locker room, where L.D. Williams is unloading his gear.]

JA: Hey!

LDW: What's up?

JA: I was hoping you'd tell me.

LDW: Oh, let me guess, you're gonna get all pissy with me about the whole Viper deal, aren't you?

JA: As a matter of fact, I am.

LDW: Look, Donnie Viper's just another homo who...

JA: He's NOT a homo!!

LDW: I mean, really... What's the big deal? Why does it really matter to you whether Niles or Viper is the champ?

JA: Look, Donnie Viper holding the OOWF World Title was good for business.

LDW: For you maybe. Niles Anderson holding the OOWF World Title is good business FOR ME.

JA: For you? This is about you and Moose, isn't it? About the Establishment... All right, L.D., I've given you the benefit of the doubt for a while now, but I gotta know, right now, what's in it for you?

LDW: I believe that's my business, Johnny. Not yours.

JA: Oh... so THAT'S how it's gonna be. Let me let you in on MY business, L.D. I've got to prepare for an Intercontinental Title defense, without knowing who my opponent is going to be. One of those opponents could quite possibly be YOU.

LDW: And...? Your point is...?

JA: My point is I need to be sure all my bases are covered. When the match was announced, we, as in the FOUR OF US, put together a plan to ensure that this championship would stay around my waist. Now I need to know whether I can trust you or not.

LDW: Johnny, Champ, we go back a long way. And if you have to question whether you can trust me or not, you need to go take a long hard look in the mirror. You've lost your mind, man.

JA: I've lost MY mind?? I'm not the one making STUPID career choices!

LDW: Oh, now you're calling me stupid? Look, man...

[Revolution XX step between Johnny and L.D. before tempers escalate any further.]

EOM: Guys, guys...

CC: Man, can't we all just get along?

[Johnny looks at Carl one time, gives L.D. one more loaded glare, and storms off.]

[mooseheadjack]

SFJ# 2 is standing with Harper Camby and Tommy O'Neil

SFJ2: Guys, what are you thoughts on your upcoming Pay per veiw match with Hellion and Corax?

TO: welfa startas ya dum twat...da go of it we had with da fekkin champs was a mess a shite. we goanna mess da two wankas up. The fights goanna be over befa ya can say roberts ya muvas brova.

SFJ2 (deer in headlights stare on her face): um what ?

TO: get the fekkin cock outta ya fekkin head holes and ya unastand!

SFJ2: huh?

HC: he insulted you ya dumb box...He said we're goin to come out guns blazing after HEllion and Corax, and when all is said and done those two will be lying in pools of their own blood.

TO: and den we goan aft da fekkin team straps!

HC: damn right Tommy, and 3 peice set, Consider this match a prequel of your ultimate destruction.

fade to black

[mooseheadjack]

The Ax-man is standing in front of some groupies. He hands them all foam replica title belts from OOWFshopzone.

Ax: Girls you know your missions

CC enters

CC: Hey more groupies I liked it.

Ax: Man you don’t want those girls.

CC: Why not?

Ax: She’s got the Clap, the redhead’s got Crabs and anal warts, and the blondes got this really smelly green vaginal discharge.

CC: Gross

Ax: Yeah it looks like Pea Soup!

CC: Double Gross.

Ax: I’d stand back from them if I were you.

CC steps back.

CC: Is this fair enough?

Ax: Maybe you should join me behind this air tight plexi glass barrier.

CC: Should I put this bio-containment suit on as well?

Ax: I think it would be for the best! Here hook it up this oxygen.

CC: OK, so whats the plan?

Ax: Well I thought we’ve proved ourselves enough to be the fight champions we are, so I’m getting us the night off.

Firechild enters

FC: hey guys, what’s going on?

CC: come and join us there’s a spare suit, leave the girls, especially the soup dispenser!

FC: All right.
Ax: now the plan is we send the worlds second greatest tag title belts with the girls to Irwin and friend vs. FF foreskin & Skank vs. Revolution Female Chromosome, they have the fun with our rejected and diseased groupies they catch what ever, and we’ve got no challengers, because all three teams will be feeling poorly.

FC: Brilliant.

CC: Yeah run off girls and have your fun.

Ax: And now I will inform our GM that all our challengers are too sick to compete, and ipso facto we get the night off.

[mooseheadjack]

OBJ: Well, well, well. So our opponents want to psych us out. We're getting insulting presents and getting sent syphilitic groupies.

SFJ 3.14: What will you do?

OBJ: Well, keep in mind you're talking to a man who eats vegemite sandwiches for lunch and bugs for dinner. As for that lame plan to send over groupies, 2 words: Missy Hyatt. Been there, done that, sold t-shirts. Our immune systems will no-sell those groupies like Hawk no-sold piledrivers.

SFJ3.14: GatorBait, do you agree?

GB: Ooooooooh, what a rush!!!!!!
*slaps OBJ on chest* Tell'em big man!

OBJ: Don't be surprised if we destroy our opponents before our entrance music is over.

GB: Not that he's telling you anything you don't already know...

[mooseheadjack]

Firechild, Axe and Cole are in their locker room relaxing with a few practice groupies . .

Firechild is bouncing a skinny little SFJ on his lap and swigging out of a bottle of bourbon when he hits the and of the bottle

FC: hell, anyone got any more Jack?

Ax: Nah . . .

C: sorry man.

FC: damn. I'm off to find another fith . . . here Cole, hold this for me.

Already getting cosy with SFJ #28 Cole suddenly finds SFJ#36 planted on his other knee

C: thanks dude . .

F: no problem, back soon

Firechild leaves their locker room and wanders off towards the The Ricks office in search of more alcohol. As he rounds the corner Semaj B takes him out with a cooking sheet round the head. As Firechild is momentarily stunned Thim locks in the Waking Nightmare rendering Firechild numb and lifeless but still barely conscious

TR: right. Semaj, give me a hand, take his legs . . . time to have some fun.

Semaj B grabs Firechild by the legs and Thim takes him under both arms and the cary him off to another locker room . . .

When Firechild wakes he finds that Thim has continued to apply the Waking Nightmare and he is still limp and unable to move. He also quickly realises that he is absolutely freezing. Semaj B is sat at the end of the bath holding a handful of Firechilds hair to keep his head above water.

SB: Thim, he's coming round

TR: ahh good. So Firechild, how do like your nice relaxing and therapeutic ICE bath then . . . what's the matter, cat got your tongue? Oops, sorry. Hang on a tick

## Thim briefly manipulates a couple of pressure points on Firechilds neck.

FC: B*****D!!!! Get me the f*** out of here I'm f****** freezing!!

TR: oh come on, I'm trying to help. You've been through a few rough matches the last week or two. This'll help to reduce the swelling in your muscles, enabling you to recover better and more quickly.

FC: thanks for the thought Thim but if you DON"T GET ME THE F*** OUT OF THIS BATH NOW I'll

TR: you'll what Firechild? You can't do a damn thing right now and if you do what I know you're going to want to do later you'll get yourself disqualified and I'll win the title anyway. It'd be a hell of a lame way to win the first Onslaught Championship but then you're going to be a hell of a lame opponent.

FC: I'm warning you Thim.

TR: warning me about what Firechild. I know you can wrestle, I saw your early matches against Semaj. You can really bring it out there when you want to but now you take up with those muppets Ax and Cole and become nothing more that a bloody thug. Where the hell do you get off setting FIRE to people!!!! I'm not warning you or threatening you I"M TELLING YOU. If you try any of that s*** with me this bath is going to seem like a weekend in Barbados compared to the treatments you'll be getting next.

FC: HA, we'll see

TR: yes we will. We'll see me winning the inaugural Onslaught Championship and we'll see you rather bloody annoyed I think . . . come on Semaj, let's go and get a coffee

SB: OK Thim

## Semaj lets go of Firechilds hair and he immediately begins to sink

FC: Thim . . . THIM!!! I'm going to f****** drown here . . .

TR: no you're not, stop whinging.

## Thim reaches into the bath and pulls the plug out

TR: by my calculations this bath will take around 3 minutes to empty which means that your face should be back above water after about two and a half . . . you can hold you breath that long can't you?? After that you can shout all you want, I'm sure that someone will hear you. Now, consider your fire extinguished . . . deep breath!!

## Firechild takes a deep breath and Thim shoves his head below the surface.

TR: Hell, he's right. It's bloody freezing in there

SB: Thim. How come someone that seems like such a nice pleasant Englishman can be such a total b******?

TR: well, it does take some work. He he he, come on. I think I need that warm drink now