Post by BookerShark on Sept 25, 2011 18:36:00 GMT -5
OOWF 2011 Awards Ceremony
<We are back in the Dayton Civic Center Annex for the 2011 OOWF Awards Ceremony. The camera pans around and we see all the OOWF stars sitting in attendance, once again dressed to the nines. The music stops playing and Voice Over Guy speaks>
VOG: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the 2010/2011 OOWF Awards! We are coming to you live from the Dayton Convention Center Annex! Tonight is the night we have all been waiting for, the crowning of this year’s award winners. And now, to kick things off this evening, please welcome our #1 and, until wyattcox made himself known, our only fan, Father Lou.
<Father Lou gets a nice ovation from the crowd>
Please rise while Father Lou leads us in the OOWF prayer:
Our Hardcore who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy blades
Thy bed of nails, thy wounds be done with chairs or with barbed and razored wire.....
Give us this day our daily bled
and forgive us our shattered glasses
as we forgive those who use broken glass against us
And lead us not into garbage, but deliver us from mediocrity.....
VOG: Now, ladies and gentlemen please welcome out emcee for the night, more than just a pretty face, she has a mean streak in there too, GM Selena!
GMS: Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here tonight for the Seventh Annual OOWF Awards show!
<the crowd cheers>
GMS: Seven years……wow, that means some of you are ooooooooold! <Selena laughs> Seriously though, as you know, this is a celebration of the best of the OOWF in the last year, as voted on by you, the stars of the OOWF. Last night we inducted three more members into the OOWF Hall of Fame. That was their night, tonight, is your night to shine.
<applause>
GMS: Now, I know you will ALL be on your best behavior tonight <rolls her eyes> unlike some OTHER years. That loser Rick never paid insurance to this place, they wanted us to move the show to the Marriot! THE MARRIOT! Let THAT sink in for a minute! Ok, our first award tonight is to recognize the individual who has had the greatest impact in their rookie year. Here to introduce the winner is……..oh no, this is not starting things off very well…….Al……
<GM Selena is cut off by a man in a tuxedo, we see it is Ricardo Rodriguez, this could end poorly>
RR: Hey, hey hey hey, excuse me, excuse me please, but.... There is only one person who can introduce this Man, and that person is not you....It is me.
<boos>
RR: Señoras y caballeros, Es mi gran honor a introducir a usted, Él es el hombre responsable de cada miembro del universo de WWE, él es un hombre que desemejante usted mismo… él nunca. sea pobre él es Mexico' orgullo de s ¡Él es, Albertoooo Del Rrrrrrrio!
<Ladies and gentlemen, It is my great honor to introduce to you, He is The Man Responsible for every member of the WWE Universe, He is a Man who unlike yourself...He will never.. be poor He is Mexico's pride He is, Albertoooo Del Rrrrrrrio!>
<a horn honks and Alberto Del Rio drives out onto the stage in a 1978 Yugo valued at more than dozens of dollars. He tries to get out, but has to reach out the window to unlatch the door. Del Rio gets out and heads to the podium, while behind him, Steve the Lost Viking charges out from the back with a chair and attacks the Yugo. Del Rio looks at him for a moment, then speaks>
ADR: My name…….my name is
OOWF Crowd: WE KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING NAME IS!
ADR: <rattled> but…..uh…..you already knew that. Clearly. I came to the WWE to fulfill my destiny, and that destiny was to win the world heavyweight title. That little Chihuahua John Cena may have my belt right now, but I WILL get it back! I am here tonight to announce the winner of the OOWF Breakthrough Star of the Year, someone who can only hope to have HALF the success of Alberto Del Rio!
VOG: The nominees for Breakthrough Star of the Year are….. El Lobo Sangreinto and The Flyin Hawaiians
ADR: And the winner is………El Lobo Sangriento!
<Lobo gets to his feet and heads to the podium>
<VOG: Well done Lobo now you can buy that Schweddy Balls ice cream you have been wanting!>
ELS: Uh no. I am not into Schweddy Balls <the crowd just stares at him> What? Oh seriously? You couldn’t hear him THEN? Ok fine. This is an accomplishment that will go right up there with winning the Onslaught title, and in the future, the world title. To win this means I have been singled out by my peers as the best of one hell of a new group of wrestlers. When I decided to come to the OOWF, I did so because I wanted to make my mark in wrestling, and like the song goes, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. Thank you all, Wolfpack out!
<Lobo exits to a rousing ovation from the crowd>
GMS: Well done Wolfie! I like that guy! Ok, moving things along <GM Selena notices that Steve the Lost Viking is pinning the Yugo and yelling for a referee> Yo, Viking dude……I hate to tell you, but the Yugo is not the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion.
STLV: It’s not?
GMS: Nope
STLV: Really?
GMS: For honest
STLV: Who is?
GMS: Stan Fulton
STLV: Oh. When did that happen?
GMS: Shark, can you check the archives for me?
Sharky: One second………September 7. He defeated Comrade Sharkoff
STLV: Oh
GMS: Yep
STLV: Well……Fulton is a big guy
GMS: He is
STLV: Oh. Um……do you know when the PHWF show is going to start?
GMS: Sure don’t dude
STLV: Can I just go sit in the back?
GMS: Go right ahead. Oh, and say hi to Clayton, Sidney, Jugdish and Mohammet for me! Super! Ok, where were we? Oh yeah! Our next award is one I have TOTALLY won before! It is for the NPC – that is Non-Player Character, of the year! Here to announce the winner…….WHAT? Another one of THEM from up north?
<Production assistants wheel out a podium with an open laptop on it. The laptop makes the annoying as hell You’ve Got Mail sound…….then nothing. The crowd looks around for a moment, and then, it happens>
IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT……
<Michael Cole walks out onto the stage, and the crowd boos him LOUDLY>
MC: I have an email from the Anonymous Raw General Manager……..and I quote…….winning NPC of the year is something of an honor, but the bigger honor here is not winning some award for a third rate wrestling company <more boos> but it is being on the stage with the Anonymous Raw General Manager, and the only man undefeated at Wrestlemania……Michael Cole. Now, let’s hear the nominees:
VOG: The nominees for NPC – Non-Player Character are……..Voice Over Guy and Justin Sane
<annoying email noise>
MC: IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT……<trash flies at Cole, who looks like someone kicked his puppy> The NERVE of you people! The winner of Non-Player Character of the Year is……..Justin Sane!
<Justin looks a little confused, but Stank urges him to go to the stage. Justin wanders up there and walks right up to Michael Cole>
MC: What are YOU?
JS: Can I borrow five bucks?
MC: What?
JS: What?
MC: <rattled> FINE here! Now, let ME tell YOU something mister! <Cole reaches up and flicks Justin’s Mohawk causing part of it to droop a little bit. Justin gets a strange look in his eyes, and a voice from somewhere…….perhaps the Mohawk itself? Screams DOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK! The lights go out, and there is a blood curdling scream followed by the sounds of choppers approaching, power tools and, a rooster crowing? After only a few seconds, the lights come back on, the laptop is in a pile of parts that is generally better known as dust, and Michael Cole is unconscious and bleeding on the stage. Justin Sane is just standing there looking around, calm as ever. He looks down and sees a five laying there>
JS: Ooh! Five bucks! <Justin picks up the money and walks off the stage to the back>
GMS: That was……..what exactly just happened there? <Selena turns to the medics carrying Cole off and whispers something to them. The medics laugh and shake their heads.> Let’s see how Cole likes waking up in Fire’s basement! HA! What a jerk. Ok, moving right along, our next award is for Gimmick of the Year. For those of you who don’t know, finding a Gimmick means finding that hook that gets people interested in a wrestler. Here to present Gimmick of the Year is…….um, who? Brad Armstrong?
<Brad Armstrong walks onto the stage, and some of the younger OOWF wrestlers clearly have NO idea who this guy is. The older vets know who he is though>
BA: I know, most of you are thinking, who? There was a reason I was asked to present Gimmick of the Year. You see, throughout my career, I was a little on the boring side, so creative was constantly coming up with different gimmicks for me, trying to get me over. I was Candyman, Arachnaman, Badstreet, Fantasia, a member of Dos Hombres, Freedom Fighter, Mr. R and finally, the one some of you might remember…….Buzzkill
<crickets from the audience>
BA: Really? No one remembers Buzzkill? Come on! I was making fun of my more famous, yet less talented brother! Nothing? Ok fine. The point is, finding a good gimmick is hard work. So, without further delay, Voice Over Guy, the nominees please…….
VOG: The nominees for Gimmick of the Year are………Davin Moreland’s Fraud of the Week and Stan Fulton’s Anti-Gimmick Gimmick
BA: The winner is………..Stan Fulton’s Anti-Gimmick Gimmick!
<the crowd applauds as Stan Fulton makes his way to the podium>
SF: Mr. Armstrong, I can relate to your plight. You see when I came to the OOWF, I struggled to fit in. Was I a Jerry Blackwell rip off? Was I a Scott Norton clone? Was I a hero? Was I a villain? In the end, I was none of those things. I was simply Stan “The Crusher” Fulton. That is all I need to be. When they approach me about changing things, and they still do, I remind them that I am the resident OOWF ass kicker. Anyone who disagrees? <staring at Chris Evans> Step up, or step aside, the Crusher’s time is now. Thank you
<the crowd applauds as Stan heads back to his seat>
GMS: ok, moving things along, next up……….catchphrase of the year! I like this one! I am sure everyone knows, but a catchphrase is that phrase you hit to end promos, or whatever, that pops the crowd, that defines the wrestler, that gets people pumped up! It’s also good to make sure it can be something you can put on a t-shirt. Here to present Catchphrase of the Year……ladies and gentlemen “Cowboy” James Storm!
<Storm makes his way to the podium, drinking a beer, and the crowd really pops for this, especially after the WWE guys and a WCW guy no one remembered>
JS: Getting good an lubed up are we? <pop> I just came from the back where they were scraping Michael Cole off the gurney into a trash bag. Good riddance! I never liked that douchebag anyway <huge pop for this>. Ok, so they asked me to come and present Catchphrase of the year, I said, will there be beer? When they said yes, all I could drink, I said…….sorry……….bout your damn luck! <HUGE pop> Alright! Voice guy! Let’s hear the nominees!
VOG: The nominees for catchphrase of the year are……….”I’m Alexander Darling and, well, you’re just not” by Alexander Darling and…….”Boom!” by Danny Taylor
JS: And the winner is……<opening the envelope> damn I like this mute son of a bitch…….”BOOM!” by Danny Taylor!
<Danny looks shocked at his seat, and Outback Jack and Vic both urge him to go to the podium. Danny gets to the podium and looks out at the crowd and seems to be at a loss for words……naturally. Danny just slowly points out at all the crowd, then taps his heart twice, then nods and holds up the statue>
JS: Well said son…..now, I hear you make a damn good appletini…….why don’t you show me how that’s done
<they leave and GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: <fanning herself> whooo something about a cowboy…….just kidding! Ok onto our next award, we have the Finisher of the Year. Ok, do I really need to explain what a finisher is? I do? Really? Are we showing this show in second grades? Fine. Ok, a finisher is your big move. The final move of the match, usually, the move so devastating no one can kick out and a win is guaranteed. Here to present Finisher of the Year is……….oh Christ….OOPS!.......I mean, uh, the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, John Cena
THE CHAMP, IS HERE
<crowd boos as Cena comes out onto the stage>
JC: I am not the most popular guy in the building huh? Well that’s ok, some of you boo me, some of you cheer me
From the Crowd: NO ONE IS CHEERING YOU ASSHOLE!
JC: Uh……ok well, <the boos get louder and we seem to be on the point of open revolt. Somehow Carl From Fresno has a IF JOHN CENA PRESENTS WE RIOT sign> Cena taps his mic and it has been cut, so Voice Over Guy cuts in to keep things moving
VOG: The nominees for Finisher of the Year are…….Really Good Diamond Cutter, Davin Moreland……Molokai Cocktail, The Flyin Hawaiians, Darling Driver, Alexander Darling……Stank-U, Stank……and Dark Darling Rising, Alexander Darling
JC: <yelling so he can be heard over the boos> AND THE WINNER OF OOWF FINISHER OF THE YEAR IS…….WE HAVE A THREE WAY TIE! REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER, DARK DARLING RISING AND STANK-U!
<Davin, Darling and Stank get to their feet and head to the podium. The three men, who along with Eric O’Mac are opponents in the World Title Fatal Four Way Elimination Match tomorrow night, look at one another, then all look at Cena. Cena, who clearly has seen OOWF award shows before, begs off, but it does no good. Stank catches him with a big right hand that sends him staggering right into a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! Darling shoves Davin, pulls Cena up and hits the DARLING DRIVER! Stank shoves Darling away and pulls a barely conscious Cena up and hits a STANK-U! Cena is DEAD! The three of them turn back to a roaring crowd and lift their awards as paramedics grab Cena by the arms and drag him off the stage. The trio take their seats and GM Selena comes back out>
GMS: Good, he yelled too much. Our next award is one that really means a lot to me. I have watched a lot of wrestling, as GM, I think it is good to know what is going on in other places, mostly to see what they are ripping off from us. There is no doubt in my mind that we are THE best wrestling fed in the world, and one place we stand out in particular……promos. You all do a FANTASTIC job with promos….
From the Crowd: PROMO EVANS
Everyone else: SHUT UP ALEX!
GMS: Anyway, here to present Promo of the Year……oooh we spent BIG money for this one, ladies and gentlemen C……M……..PUNK!
LOOK IN MY EYES, WHAT DO YOU SEE
<CM Punk walks out to the podium, takes the mic, then walks a few feet away and sits cross legged on the floor.>
CMP: So……this is the OOWF. I have heard about you. You know, there was a time in this business, this sport, that being a good promo man didn’t matter. What mattered is what you could do IN the ring. You let the match tell the story. The stuff outside the ring, well, it didn’t matter. Somewhere along the lines, that changed, and in my opinion, it was not a change for the better. Sure, you had guys, guys like Ric Flair, guys like Dusty Rhodes – when you could understand him – guys that could tell a story with their promos as well as with their wrestling. But then that changed too, soon enough, you had guys getting pushed – that’s insider talk for kissing enough ass to move up the card – simply because they were good on the mic. They couldn’t wrestle their way out of a paper bag, but they could pop the crowd with random catch phrases, you hear me Dwayne? And to make things worse, you had guys who were GODS in the ring, but because they were not great promo men, they got overlooked. Chris Benoit……yeah I said his name……should have been more than he was, you hear that Vince? You see, I am the best wrestler in the world today because I am the best at wrestling what makes me even better, is that with a mic in my hand, this mic becomes a pipebomb, and I will unleash hell on whoever I want. Now, let’s hear the nominations for Promo of the Year
VOG: the nominees for Promo of the Year are…..Disney Spectacular – Eric O’Mac, Moosehead Jack exposed – Davin Moreland, and BC’s Booker Meeting
CMP: And the winner is………BC’s Booker Meeting!
<Bradley Cooper walks out on stage and takes the award from CM Punk>
BC: I have to assume this is my award from my starring role in the A-Team
GMS: Wait, you didn’t write the Booker Meeting promo?
BC: The what now?
GMS: You are not the guy that write for Poe, Selena and the Flyin Hawaiians?
BC: The who, the what and the how now?
<just then kayfabe comes out on stage carrying a flaming barbed wire wrapped katana, why? BGFYTW. Bradley Cooper backs away in horror, CM Punk shrugs his shoulders and leaves, and GM Selena just shakes her head and heads to the podium>
GMS: Ok, well, THAT was not well thought through. How bout we just move on, kay?
<Kayfabe nods, and blows out the flame on the katana>
GMS: I didn’t mean…..you know what? Never mind. Let’s keep things moving, shall we? The OOWF is a violent place. I know, way to state the obvious, right? We have seen our share of blood feuds, respect feuds and everything in between. The OOWF, we do feuds right! Hey legal guys! Get that on a t-shirt! Anyway, here to present Feud of the Year, Michael Hayes and Lacey Von Erich!
<the crowd applauds as Hayes and Von Erich walk out. In the crowd, Father Lou and Shark give Hayes a standing ovation. Lacey looks confused, or, normal, and predictably Hayes does the talking>
MH: You know, I know in years past you have had Tommy Dreamer and Raven out here to present Feud of the Year, and I am not going to take anything away from that feud at all, that was intense, bloody and seemed to get VERY personal. But, in my oh so humble opinion, the Freebird-Von Erich feud tops it. We didn’t like those cats, and they sure didn’t like us
LVE: My brothers did not like you
MH: Of course they didn’t sweets. What separates a good feud from a legendary feud, is how the crowd reacts. The Freebirds were public enemy number one in Texas, I got more death threats than anyone in wrestling. Every night we wrestled, the fans wanted one of those Von Erich boys to kill one of is, and every night, we left them disappointed. The OOWF is no different, if you give the fans what they want every night, they go home happy and have no reason to come back. But the feuds this year? Outstanding in their own right. Maybe not as great as Freebirds vs. Von Erichs, but damn good.
LVE: Let’s get the nominees!
VOG: The nominees for Feud of the Year are……..Texpress vs. The Flyin’ Hawaiians…….and Alexander Darling vs. Stank
MH: And the winner is…….
LVE: Texpress vs. The Flyin Hawaiians! Yay Texas!
<Kai, Aina, Chad and Zane all get out of their seats and head to the podium. The crowd gives them a rousing ovation. The cheers finally die down and Chad speaks first>
CM: You know, if you look back at the history of the award, it is littered with blood feuds. Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG, the Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy, Fire vs. Tytan……those were all among the bloodiest feuds in OOWF history.
ZM: This year it is different. We may not always see eye to eye with Kai and Aina, but it is not about bleeding them dry. It is not about broken bones or sneak attacks, or threats of death. This year, it is about one thing
Aina: Respect. That seems to be a four letter word around here brahs, but it is true. Kai and I, well, for awhile there, we didn’t have our heads on right, but it didn’t matter, whenever we faced Texpress, we knew we were in for a fight, but we also knew we didn’t have to worry about sneak attacks, or someone in the ring just looking to break our bones
Kai: The Kai has this to say……..for the millions………..AND MILLIONS of Kai fans out there……..for all my brahs on the big island……..the Kai has one thing to say, one thing to say to these men, and to all of you………..thank you. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLALALALLALALAL WHAT THE KAI…………IS………COOKIN!
<the two teams leave the stage and get another standing ovation from the crowd. GM Selena comes back to the podium applauding all four men>
GMS: Wow, that HAS to be a first in the OOWF. A feud of the year award where no one got laid out. Who says we can’t change? Next up…….match of the year! Yay! We are getting to the big awards! Match of the year! Week in and week out, the OOWF delivers more great matches than any wrestling company on this planet <crowd pops>. Tonight, we are going to honor the match that blew all the others out of the water, the match that was considered the best, by all of you. Here to present the OOWF Match of the Year Award…….your Olympic Gold Medal winner, Kurt Angle!
<Angle comes out from the back and the crowd gives him a nice ovation. Angle stands before the podium waiting for the crowd to die down and finally speaks>
KA: It is not an accident that I was asked to present Match of the Year. I have been in more highly regarded matches than anyone in professional wrestling. It takes more than a great wrestler to make a match of the year though, otherwise all of my matches would be tied for match of the year
<crowd grumbles at this>
KA: What? You doubt me? I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken freakin neck, you think I can’t carry some of the ham and eggers I face to five star matches? Cause I can. The point is, the match itself takes two people on the same page, it takes a good build, it takes a lot to make it something SPECIAL, and tonight we are going to honor that. Voice Over Guy, let’s get the nominees
VOG: The nominees for Match of the Year are……..Firewoman vs. Tytan and Matt Folz vs. Stank vs. Alexander Darling
KA: And the winner is……….Firewoman vs. Tytan!
<Fire and Tytan get to their feet and both head to the podium, Fire looks at Tytan with a bit of hatred in her eyes, but she steps in front of him and speaks first>
FW: This is a bittersweet award for me. On one hand, it was one of the greatest matches of my career. It also happened to take place on the worst night of my life. Tytan pushed me further than I have ever been pushed……..and then some. I have forgiven him for his actions that night, I have moved on, and I am a better person for it. I want to thank all of you for this honor, this means a lot. Thank you
<the crowd applauds and Fire steps back. Tytan takes the mic and seems to think about what he is going to say for a moment>
Tytan: I never asked for, or wanted, your forgiveness. I do not regret a thing about that match. The aftermath……..perhaps. If sending a fellow wrestler to their death is what it takes to win match of the year……..then next year, I will be right back here. Danny and Jack……you two are next
<Tytan leaves the stage and the crowd boos him a bit, well, the faces do. GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: Way to be a Debbie Downer there Tytan. Ok let’s keep this moving before Jeff Hardy shows up and starts an Emoetry Slam. Next up, Angle of the year. Angle of the year is….
<Kurt Angle walks back out onto the stage and to the podium>
KA: I think it is clear that I am the Angle of the year. I am the greatest Angle ever known.
<just then someone with a long gray beard wearing a toga, and carrying a large geometry book runs out on to the stage and WAFFLES Angle upside the head! Angle is down! And, since this is Kurt Angle, he is bleeding. The man walks to the podium and looks out at the stunned crowd>
Man: I am Euclid. I am the creator of all angles. Right, obtuse, acute, all of them. There are no angles greater than me
<it now becomes apparent, that this “Greek” has a Canadian accent. “Euclid” pulls off his beard and wig and it is ERIC YOUNG!>
EY: GOTCHA! You all TOTALLY fell for that! HA! See what I did there? That is an angle. I could show up on Impact next week and say I was hit in the head by Scott Baio and now I think I am the father of Geometry. It would all lead to a great big fight with that Pythagoras guy……..Pythagoras, I am gunning for you! Hey! Maybe I could get a match with Winnie Cooper too! Ooohhh I should go write this down!
<Eric walks off, clearly distracted, so Voice Over Guy gives us the nominees>
VOG: The nominees for Angle of the Year are…….Firewoman’s death and rebirth……..CEO Ecosystem……The Saga of Texpress and finally…….The Formation of the Brass Knuckle Kings
<there is a pause as we wait for Eric Young to come back>
VOG: Eric? Uhhhhhh Eric Young? Oh screw it. The winner is……<sound of an envelope being opened> CEO Ecosystem
<Eco gets out of his seat and walks to the podium, but the man still does not look right. He glares out over the audience, stopping to stare at Stank in particular, then Moose>
Eco: My work here is not finished.
<with that Eco leaves the podium and heads back to his seat, the expression on his face never changing one bit>
GMS: Okkkkkkay that was creepy dude. Next up is the award for Tag Team of the year. If there is one thing the OOWF does well, it is Tag Team wrestling! <cheap pop> Here to present the award for Tag Team of the Year is a man who knows a thing or two about Tag Team Wresting…….Ladies and Gentlemen, Big Poppa Pump, Scott Steiner!
<Steiner comes out, somehow without hurting himself, and steps to the mic, he looks over at Selena and eyes her up and down>
SS: Maybe when you get tired of that Poe guy and want to be with a REAL man, you give Big Poppa Pump a call. HOLLAR IF YA HEAR ME! Anyway, tag team of the year huh? Well I got news for ya, there ain’t a tag team in the WORLD that can hold a candle to me and my brother Rick. Those Texas queers like to talk about being the measuring stick, well, they can’t measure up to the Steiner Brothers. As for the rest of you, what are there, four tag teams in this? Let me break down your odds of being better than the Steiners
SS: normally if you compare two teams you got a 50/50 chance of being the best, but I’m a genetic freak and my brother is the Dogface Gremlin and we’re not normal so you got a 25% chance, at best, of being better than us. Then you add another team to the mix and you chances of winning go drastically down, with three other teams, you got a 33 1/3% chance of winning, but the Steiners, they have a 66 2/3% chance of winning because the other teams know they can’t be as great as us. So, those other teams take their 33 13/% chance, and minus the Steiner’s 25% chance and you got an 8 1/3% chance of being better than us. But then, you take the Steiner’s 75% chance of winning and add another 66 2/3% chance of us winning and we got a 141 2/3% chance of winning. See, the numbers don’t lie, and they spell disaster for any team that thinks they can TOUCH the Steiner Brothers. But, you can try, so let’s hear the nominees
VOG: The nominees for Tag Team of the Year are……….The Brass Knuckle Kings………The Flyin Hawaiians…….Drink & Destroy………and Texpress
SS: And the Winner of Tag Team That is Not as Good as The Steiner Brothers is……….Drink & Destroy!
<Danny and Jack get to their feet and head to the podium, the crowd cheers them on, even the heels give them a nice ovation. Danny and Jack get to the podium and, naturally, Jack does all the talking>
OBJ: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLCH. <the crowd pops> That’s Australian for DAMN! This feels good! I have been in some great tag teams through the years, Texpress, 3Piece Set, Corax & Hellion, hell even the original incarnation of Drink & Destroy, Stank and FF Capslock. I had a great run with Gator as The Team From Down Under, but we could never quite make it over the top and win Tag Team of the Year. After Gator got hurt and couldn’t wrestle anymore, I tried teaming with that backstabbing weasel LD Williams, but that didn’t work. When Danny and Vic approached me to team, to accept them into Drink & Destroy, I was hesitant. So I sat down and had a talk with Jack of the Hinterlands and Back of Beyond Jack, and they agreed to give the rookie a shot. Danny did not disappoint, and here we stand, the OOWF Tag Team of the Year.
<The crowd cheers as Jack steps back from the podium, Danny steps up and looks out over the crowd. He looks at the award and mouths BOOM! The place goes insane! They head back to their seats and GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: Ok, we are getting close to the end. Good thing too, the open bar just let me know we are running low on booze
OBJ: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
GMS: Calm down mate. Ok, next up, this is my favorite award. Heel of the year. I love the bad guys! What can I say? The Heel of the Year is the award that goes to the best bad guy in the OOWF. The most despicable, vicious, violent, demented, deranged, psychotic, bloodthirsty person on the roster, that is MY kind of wrestler! Here to present Heel of the Year…….Austin Aires!
AA: I was kind of surprised when they asked me to present Heel of the Year. I was surprised they didn’t ask me to host this whole thing. I mean really why WOULDN’T they want the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived to host this show? So, you want me to talk about being a heel. Well, I really don’t know what that means. I am simple Austin Aires, the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived. How is being honest being a heel? Well, anyway, I am going to have the Voice Over Guy read you the list of wrestlers who are NOT the Greatest Men Who Ever Lived, for heel of the year
VOG: The nominees for Heel of the Year are……..Moosehead Jack and Ecosystem
AA: And the winner is………….Ecosystem!
<Eco slowly looks up from his table, and scans the crowd. He spots Moose who returns his glare. Eco gets to his feet and walks to the podium and looks at the award, then throws it down, smashing it. He grabs the side of the podium and trembles a little bit>
Eco: You all HATE me? YOU hate ME? After all I have DONE for you? I came back here to RID the OOWF of Moosehead Jack, and do ANY of you step up and offer to help? ANY OF YOU FUCKING COWARDS? No. Not a single one. You hate me because you don’t understand me. I am here to help you. I am here to make you better. <Eco stares right at Moose> My life suffocates , planting the seeds of hate, I’ve loved, turned to hate, trapped far beyond my fate. I give, you take, this life that I forsake, been cheated of my youth, you’ve turned this lie to truth. Anger, misery, you’ll suffer unto me.
<Eco turns and walks backstage, and that is the last we see of him for this evening. The camera cuts back to see Moose grinning with a look of sadistic joy on his face. GM Selena comes back onto the stage and cuts the growing tension>
GMS: Well then. Guess he didn’t want the award. His loss. Since we give an award for Heel of the Year, we have to give an award for Face of the Year. Can’t have one without the other right? Even if faces are generally sappy do-gooders, they provide a service in wrestling – punching bag for the heels. Ok seriously, just kidding. Here to present Face of the Year………the Legend, Ricky “the Dragon” Steamboat!
<the crowd gives Steamboat a standing ovation. Davin looks like he is going to start squealing like a little girl. Steamboat takes the podium and looks very humbled to be here>
RS: I have to say thank you to everyone for that ovation. Most all of you began your career long after I ended mine, so getting that kind of a response means a lot to me. It means, my legacy as a wrestler lives on.
<the crowd breaks into a DRA-GON, DRA-GON chant, Steamboat looks like he has to fight back tears>
RS: Early in my career a promoter came up to me and told me, “Rick, you will never get over as a vanilla babyface. You need an edge. Break the rules, use that karate stuff you know to get the fans to boo you. You do that, and you will go places in wrestling.” To me, that was like a slap in the face. That meant that he had no faith in my ability as a wrestler and wanted me to get over on cheap tricks. From that day forward I vowed I would never play the heel. I would never take the short cut, I would never let the fans down. And alongside of winning the NWA world title, and my feud with Ric Flair that many consider the greatest series of matches in wrestling history, that is my proudest achievement in this sport. It is my honor to announce the winner of the OOWF Face of the Year. Voice Over Guy, please read the nominees
VOG: The nominees for Face of the Year are…….Alexander Darling and El Lobo Sangriento
RS: And the winner is…….Alexander Darling!
<Darling gets to his feet and hugs Fire, then makes his way to the podium. The crowd applauds, well, except Moose, who gives him a very sarcastic golf clap>
AD: I have to admit, this year, this award meant more to me than usual. Last year Ravenna Blue and I shared this award. I don’t begrudge her her success, but I feel as though I have worked harder than anyone to change people’s opinion of me. When I came to the OOWF, I was brash, obnoxious, and I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. Years later, I am still brash, I can still be obnoxious, and for the most part, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. But, I am not the same man now that I was then. For one, I am your OOWF World Heavyweight Champion, something I took for granted as a birthright in the past, but now, now I understand that no one has the right to this title, this title is earned. This title was built on the backs of those who came before me, and will enjoy continued success because of the things I have accomplished with it. In the end, you may not like me, you may not respect me, but you will understand that I am Alexander Darling and you, well, you’re just not. Thank you
<Darling gets a nice ovation as he heads back to his seat and hugs Fire again. GM Selena comes out to finish things off>
GMS: Ok, this is the one we have all been waiting for. Wrestler of the Year. I know each and every one of you takes pride in what you do. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have lasted a day in the OOWF. Everyone here is an amazing athlete, and a great wrestler, but to be singled out as THE best among your peers, that is something special. Here to present this award, and really, is there anyone any better to present it than him? Ladies and Gentlemen, considered by many to be the greatest wrestler to ever lace up a pair of boots, “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair!
<2001: A Space Odyssey plays –yeah we sprung for the music – and The Nature Boy comes out in a very expensive looking Armani suit. He styles and profiles to the podium and the audience gives him a lengthy standing ovation. The cheers die down, and it looks like Flair has tears in his eyes>
RF: whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
<huge pop>
RF: You know, I have been associated with this company pretty much since day one. I have seen great ones come and go. UnderDawg, Chris Cole, Hardbody Harris, Donovan “by God” Viper, they have all graced that ring and left this place a little better than they found it. But as I look around this crowd tonight, I can say, with God as my witness, that THIS is the BEST the OOWF has EVER been!
<huge pop>
RF: For years, I was considered the best in that ring. I was considered the best by the reporters, by the announcers, by the fans, but most importantly, by my fellow wrestlers. Those men and women in the locker room considered ME the elite in this business. THAT……..THAT is an HONOR you never EVER forget. Tonight, we add another name to the list of all-time greats. We add another name to the list of Immortals in this business. We add another wrestler who has give it his all, all his blood, all his sweat, and all his tears to be the VERY best there is. To be the man that one day, others will call GOD.
<even bigger pop>
RF: <laughing> Now……….let’s get the nominees for Wrestler of the Year so we can get this party started. The ladies in the back want to know what it is like to ride Space Mountain……..and I am Ric “BY GOD” Flair, and I NEVER disappoint!
VOG: The nominees for Wrestler of the Year are…….”The Crusher” Stan Fulton and Stank
RF: And the winner is……<opening the envelope> The baddest man I have seen in the ring……..STANK!
<Stank gets a standing ovation from the crowd. He stops and shakes hands with Moose, LD, Stan and Tytan, then heads to the podium. He gets there and waits, but the cheers go on and on. Finally they stop and Stank looks at his award for a moment.>
Stank: I really don’t know what to say. This is the third time you have voted me wrestler of the year. There are only so many ways I can say thank you. What Ric said really hit a chord for me, this IS an honor I will never forget. I go out there every night, every single night. Whether I am wrestling for the world title, or facing a rookie, and my goal is to steal the show. Any time I have to promo, my goal is for that promo to be the Promo of the Year. It’s not about winning individual awards. It’s about making the OOWF THE place to be. This spring, when Eco took over and all the contracts had to be renewed, I got a call from Vince McMahon at 12:01am the day the contracts expired.
<loud boos>
Stank: Vince essentially offered me the sun, the moon and the stars to come work for the WWE. He told me to name my price. He told me I could keep my name, and all the merchandising rights that go with it. He told me I would be slotted right into the Main Event picture, no going to FCW or any of that. He told me I would have complete creative control, something Vince NEVER does. When Vince got done talking about it, I took a second to think about it, literally, and I told him thanks, but no thanks.
<HUGE cheers here>
Stank: Ten seconds later, I had signed my OOWF contract and re-upped for several years. Do I regret that decision? Not even a little bit
<More ovation>
Stank: I am here for two reasons, one, to be the VERY best wrestler in the world, and I can’t prove that ANYWHERE else but here! The ROH title? The WWE title? The TNA title? Any title in Japan? It all pales in comparison to the OOWF World Heavyweight title.
<yep, more cheers>
Stank: My second reason for staying? Making the OOWF even better. We are already THE premier wrestling fed on this planet, but I am convinced I…….WE……can make it even better. I will do all I can to make this place even better, but right now, all I can do is thank you all, sincerely. Thank you all.
<Stank gets a standing ovation from the crowd as we fade to black>
****
It’s that part of the show again. It’s time for me, John Roberts, to thank all of you. I know I say this every year, and every year I mean it, but thank you. Thank you all for the ideas and hard work that you put into the OOWF. This silly little creative writing experiment from hell has really seen me through a lot. Through a bachelor’s degree, through a master’s degree, through a divorce and nervous breakdown, the OOWF has been a constant. It hasn’t always been pretty, and it hasn’t always been easy. There have been a few times when I seriously considered walking away from it, but something keeps pulling me back. This whole thing has taken on a life of its own, and in a strange way, it has become real. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. Without all your hard work and dedication, that would never have been the case. You guys make this what it is, so again, thank you. Here’s to another year of blood, gore and OMG SWERVES!
- John
Past Winners[/u]
Wrestler of the Year
2011 - Stank
2010 – Alexander Darling
2009 - Poe
2008 - Stank
2007 – Stank
2006 – Thim Reynolds
2005 – Donovan Viper
Tag Team of the Year
2011 – Drink & Destroy (Danny Taylor & Outback Jack)
2010 - Texpress
2009 - kz
2008 – Phantos & Lucios
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – 3Piece Set
Face of the Year
2011 – Alexander Darling
2010 – (tie) Ravenna Blue & Alexander Darling
2009 - Ecosystem
2008 – (tie) Concrete TG and Phantos & Lucios
2007 – Firechild
2006 – Capellan
2005 – Hardbody Harris
Heel of the Year
2011 - Ecosystem
2010 – Moosehead Jack
2009 - Firewoman
2008 – Eric O’Mac
2007 – Stank
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – Donovan Viper
Breakthrough Star of the Year
2011 – El Lobo Sangriento
2010 – Ravenna Blue
2009 – Chris Evans
2008 - Firewoman
2007 – Voltage
2006 – The Halfrican Americans
2005 – (tie) Firechild & Capellan
Match of the Year
2011 – Firewoman vs. Tytan – November Pain 3
2010 – (tie) Firewoman vs. Alexander Darling – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Iron Person Match - OOWF Blood Bath in Paradise 3 & Chris Evans vs. Bryce Larson – Steel Cage Match –OOWF Judgment Eve 5
2009 – kz vs. The Team From Down Under – MidWeek Mayhem 5/20
2008 – OOWF Jobber Gauntlet
2007 - The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy – Unsanctioned Match
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Devil’s Brigade vs. wCw – Bamboo Scaffold Match
2005 – Canadian Dragon vs. UnderDawg – Ultimate Hell
Feud of the Year
2011 – Texpress vs. The Flyin Hawaiians
2010 - Alexander Darling vs. The Quinn’s
2009 – Firewoman vs. Tytan
2008 – Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Angle of the Year
2011 – CEO Ecosystem
2010 – Firewoman’s Wedding
2009 – The Rise and Fall of Run DEA
2008 – Team Rick Goes to Jail
2007 – (tie) DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship & Drink & Destroy vs. The Heroes Guild
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Promo of the Year
2011 – Booker Meeting - BC
2010 – Where I’m From - Ecosystem
2009 – The OOWF Goes Hollywood - Stank
2008 – A History of The Chickenshit Heels
2007 – Drink & Destroy Genealogy Promo
2006 – OOWF Airplane Ride From Hell
2005 – Donovan Viper’s Promo Before Dance of Death
Finisher of the Year
2011 – (tie)Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland, Dark Darling Rising – Alexander Darling, Stank-U - Stank
2010 – Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2009 – Crucifix Bomb - Poe
2008 – Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2007 – (tie)A Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland & Intentional Disqualification – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – Call of the Wild – The Team From Down Under
2005 – The Chomp – GatorBait
Catchphrase of the Year
2011 – Boom! – Danny Taylor
2010 – I’m Junichiro Muyo, and I WILL Save You - Ecosystem
2009 – Work Smarter, Not Harder - Ecosystem
2008 - HA! – Eric O’Mac
2007 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2006 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2005 - Trust Me – Moosehead Jack
Gimmick of the Year
2011 – No Gimmick Needed – Stan Fulton
2010 – Eco the Savior
2009 – Tytan: DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion
2008 – Rabbxt Becomes Bunny
2007 – “Cowboy” Johnny Adrenaline
2006 – The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000
2005 – Donovan Viper
NPC (Non-Player Character) of the Year
2011 – Justin Sane
2010 - Selena
2009 - Selena
2008 – (tie) Carl From Fresno & Alexis Darling
2007 – No Award Given
2006 – Missy
2005 – Ric Flair
<We are back in the Dayton Civic Center Annex for the 2011 OOWF Awards Ceremony. The camera pans around and we see all the OOWF stars sitting in attendance, once again dressed to the nines. The music stops playing and Voice Over Guy speaks>
VOG: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the 2010/2011 OOWF Awards! We are coming to you live from the Dayton Convention Center Annex! Tonight is the night we have all been waiting for, the crowning of this year’s award winners. And now, to kick things off this evening, please welcome our #1 and, until wyattcox made himself known, our only fan, Father Lou.
<Father Lou gets a nice ovation from the crowd>
Please rise while Father Lou leads us in the OOWF prayer:
Our Hardcore who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy blades
Thy bed of nails, thy wounds be done with chairs or with barbed and razored wire.....
Give us this day our daily bled
and forgive us our shattered glasses
as we forgive those who use broken glass against us
And lead us not into garbage, but deliver us from mediocrity.....
VOG: Now, ladies and gentlemen please welcome out emcee for the night, more than just a pretty face, she has a mean streak in there too, GM Selena!
GMS: Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here tonight for the Seventh Annual OOWF Awards show!
<the crowd cheers>
GMS: Seven years……wow, that means some of you are ooooooooold! <Selena laughs> Seriously though, as you know, this is a celebration of the best of the OOWF in the last year, as voted on by you, the stars of the OOWF. Last night we inducted three more members into the OOWF Hall of Fame. That was their night, tonight, is your night to shine.
<applause>
GMS: Now, I know you will ALL be on your best behavior tonight <rolls her eyes> unlike some OTHER years. That loser Rick never paid insurance to this place, they wanted us to move the show to the Marriot! THE MARRIOT! Let THAT sink in for a minute! Ok, our first award tonight is to recognize the individual who has had the greatest impact in their rookie year. Here to introduce the winner is……..oh no, this is not starting things off very well…….Al……
<GM Selena is cut off by a man in a tuxedo, we see it is Ricardo Rodriguez, this could end poorly>
RR: Hey, hey hey hey, excuse me, excuse me please, but.... There is only one person who can introduce this Man, and that person is not you....It is me.
<boos>
RR: Señoras y caballeros, Es mi gran honor a introducir a usted, Él es el hombre responsable de cada miembro del universo de WWE, él es un hombre que desemejante usted mismo… él nunca. sea pobre él es Mexico' orgullo de s ¡Él es, Albertoooo Del Rrrrrrrio!
<Ladies and gentlemen, It is my great honor to introduce to you, He is The Man Responsible for every member of the WWE Universe, He is a Man who unlike yourself...He will never.. be poor He is Mexico's pride He is, Albertoooo Del Rrrrrrrio!>
<a horn honks and Alberto Del Rio drives out onto the stage in a 1978 Yugo valued at more than dozens of dollars. He tries to get out, but has to reach out the window to unlatch the door. Del Rio gets out and heads to the podium, while behind him, Steve the Lost Viking charges out from the back with a chair and attacks the Yugo. Del Rio looks at him for a moment, then speaks>
ADR: My name…….my name is
OOWF Crowd: WE KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING NAME IS!
ADR: <rattled> but…..uh…..you already knew that. Clearly. I came to the WWE to fulfill my destiny, and that destiny was to win the world heavyweight title. That little Chihuahua John Cena may have my belt right now, but I WILL get it back! I am here tonight to announce the winner of the OOWF Breakthrough Star of the Year, someone who can only hope to have HALF the success of Alberto Del Rio!
VOG: The nominees for Breakthrough Star of the Year are….. El Lobo Sangreinto and The Flyin Hawaiians
ADR: And the winner is………El Lobo Sangriento!
<Lobo gets to his feet and heads to the podium>
<VOG: Well done Lobo now you can buy that Schweddy Balls ice cream you have been wanting!>
ELS: Uh no. I am not into Schweddy Balls <the crowd just stares at him> What? Oh seriously? You couldn’t hear him THEN? Ok fine. This is an accomplishment that will go right up there with winning the Onslaught title, and in the future, the world title. To win this means I have been singled out by my peers as the best of one hell of a new group of wrestlers. When I decided to come to the OOWF, I did so because I wanted to make my mark in wrestling, and like the song goes, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. Thank you all, Wolfpack out!
<Lobo exits to a rousing ovation from the crowd>
GMS: Well done Wolfie! I like that guy! Ok, moving things along <GM Selena notices that Steve the Lost Viking is pinning the Yugo and yelling for a referee> Yo, Viking dude……I hate to tell you, but the Yugo is not the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion.
STLV: It’s not?
GMS: Nope
STLV: Really?
GMS: For honest
STLV: Who is?
GMS: Stan Fulton
STLV: Oh. When did that happen?
GMS: Shark, can you check the archives for me?
Sharky: One second………September 7. He defeated Comrade Sharkoff
STLV: Oh
GMS: Yep
STLV: Well……Fulton is a big guy
GMS: He is
STLV: Oh. Um……do you know when the PHWF show is going to start?
GMS: Sure don’t dude
STLV: Can I just go sit in the back?
GMS: Go right ahead. Oh, and say hi to Clayton, Sidney, Jugdish and Mohammet for me! Super! Ok, where were we? Oh yeah! Our next award is one I have TOTALLY won before! It is for the NPC – that is Non-Player Character, of the year! Here to announce the winner…….WHAT? Another one of THEM from up north?
<Production assistants wheel out a podium with an open laptop on it. The laptop makes the annoying as hell You’ve Got Mail sound…….then nothing. The crowd looks around for a moment, and then, it happens>
IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT……
<Michael Cole walks out onto the stage, and the crowd boos him LOUDLY>
MC: I have an email from the Anonymous Raw General Manager……..and I quote…….winning NPC of the year is something of an honor, but the bigger honor here is not winning some award for a third rate wrestling company <more boos> but it is being on the stage with the Anonymous Raw General Manager, and the only man undefeated at Wrestlemania……Michael Cole. Now, let’s hear the nominees:
VOG: The nominees for NPC – Non-Player Character are……..Voice Over Guy and Justin Sane
<annoying email noise>
MC: IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT……<trash flies at Cole, who looks like someone kicked his puppy> The NERVE of you people! The winner of Non-Player Character of the Year is……..Justin Sane!
<Justin looks a little confused, but Stank urges him to go to the stage. Justin wanders up there and walks right up to Michael Cole>
MC: What are YOU?
JS: Can I borrow five bucks?
MC: What?
JS: What?
MC: <rattled> FINE here! Now, let ME tell YOU something mister! <Cole reaches up and flicks Justin’s Mohawk causing part of it to droop a little bit. Justin gets a strange look in his eyes, and a voice from somewhere…….perhaps the Mohawk itself? Screams DOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK! The lights go out, and there is a blood curdling scream followed by the sounds of choppers approaching, power tools and, a rooster crowing? After only a few seconds, the lights come back on, the laptop is in a pile of parts that is generally better known as dust, and Michael Cole is unconscious and bleeding on the stage. Justin Sane is just standing there looking around, calm as ever. He looks down and sees a five laying there>
JS: Ooh! Five bucks! <Justin picks up the money and walks off the stage to the back>
GMS: That was……..what exactly just happened there? <Selena turns to the medics carrying Cole off and whispers something to them. The medics laugh and shake their heads.> Let’s see how Cole likes waking up in Fire’s basement! HA! What a jerk. Ok, moving right along, our next award is for Gimmick of the Year. For those of you who don’t know, finding a Gimmick means finding that hook that gets people interested in a wrestler. Here to present Gimmick of the Year is…….um, who? Brad Armstrong?
<Brad Armstrong walks onto the stage, and some of the younger OOWF wrestlers clearly have NO idea who this guy is. The older vets know who he is though>
BA: I know, most of you are thinking, who? There was a reason I was asked to present Gimmick of the Year. You see, throughout my career, I was a little on the boring side, so creative was constantly coming up with different gimmicks for me, trying to get me over. I was Candyman, Arachnaman, Badstreet, Fantasia, a member of Dos Hombres, Freedom Fighter, Mr. R and finally, the one some of you might remember…….Buzzkill
<crickets from the audience>
BA: Really? No one remembers Buzzkill? Come on! I was making fun of my more famous, yet less talented brother! Nothing? Ok fine. The point is, finding a good gimmick is hard work. So, without further delay, Voice Over Guy, the nominees please…….
VOG: The nominees for Gimmick of the Year are………Davin Moreland’s Fraud of the Week and Stan Fulton’s Anti-Gimmick Gimmick
BA: The winner is………..Stan Fulton’s Anti-Gimmick Gimmick!
<the crowd applauds as Stan Fulton makes his way to the podium>
SF: Mr. Armstrong, I can relate to your plight. You see when I came to the OOWF, I struggled to fit in. Was I a Jerry Blackwell rip off? Was I a Scott Norton clone? Was I a hero? Was I a villain? In the end, I was none of those things. I was simply Stan “The Crusher” Fulton. That is all I need to be. When they approach me about changing things, and they still do, I remind them that I am the resident OOWF ass kicker. Anyone who disagrees? <staring at Chris Evans> Step up, or step aside, the Crusher’s time is now. Thank you
<the crowd applauds as Stan heads back to his seat>
GMS: ok, moving things along, next up……….catchphrase of the year! I like this one! I am sure everyone knows, but a catchphrase is that phrase you hit to end promos, or whatever, that pops the crowd, that defines the wrestler, that gets people pumped up! It’s also good to make sure it can be something you can put on a t-shirt. Here to present Catchphrase of the Year……ladies and gentlemen “Cowboy” James Storm!
<Storm makes his way to the podium, drinking a beer, and the crowd really pops for this, especially after the WWE guys and a WCW guy no one remembered>
JS: Getting good an lubed up are we? <pop> I just came from the back where they were scraping Michael Cole off the gurney into a trash bag. Good riddance! I never liked that douchebag anyway <huge pop for this>. Ok, so they asked me to come and present Catchphrase of the year, I said, will there be beer? When they said yes, all I could drink, I said…….sorry……….bout your damn luck! <HUGE pop> Alright! Voice guy! Let’s hear the nominees!
VOG: The nominees for catchphrase of the year are……….”I’m Alexander Darling and, well, you’re just not” by Alexander Darling and…….”Boom!” by Danny Taylor
JS: And the winner is……<opening the envelope> damn I like this mute son of a bitch…….”BOOM!” by Danny Taylor!
<Danny looks shocked at his seat, and Outback Jack and Vic both urge him to go to the podium. Danny gets to the podium and looks out at the crowd and seems to be at a loss for words……naturally. Danny just slowly points out at all the crowd, then taps his heart twice, then nods and holds up the statue>
JS: Well said son…..now, I hear you make a damn good appletini…….why don’t you show me how that’s done
<they leave and GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: <fanning herself> whooo something about a cowboy…….just kidding! Ok onto our next award, we have the Finisher of the Year. Ok, do I really need to explain what a finisher is? I do? Really? Are we showing this show in second grades? Fine. Ok, a finisher is your big move. The final move of the match, usually, the move so devastating no one can kick out and a win is guaranteed. Here to present Finisher of the Year is……….oh Christ….OOPS!.......I mean, uh, the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, John Cena
THE CHAMP, IS HERE
<crowd boos as Cena comes out onto the stage>
JC: I am not the most popular guy in the building huh? Well that’s ok, some of you boo me, some of you cheer me
From the Crowd: NO ONE IS CHEERING YOU ASSHOLE!
JC: Uh……ok well, <the boos get louder and we seem to be on the point of open revolt. Somehow Carl From Fresno has a IF JOHN CENA PRESENTS WE RIOT sign> Cena taps his mic and it has been cut, so Voice Over Guy cuts in to keep things moving
VOG: The nominees for Finisher of the Year are…….Really Good Diamond Cutter, Davin Moreland……Molokai Cocktail, The Flyin Hawaiians, Darling Driver, Alexander Darling……Stank-U, Stank……and Dark Darling Rising, Alexander Darling
JC: <yelling so he can be heard over the boos> AND THE WINNER OF OOWF FINISHER OF THE YEAR IS…….WE HAVE A THREE WAY TIE! REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER, DARK DARLING RISING AND STANK-U!
<Davin, Darling and Stank get to their feet and head to the podium. The three men, who along with Eric O’Mac are opponents in the World Title Fatal Four Way Elimination Match tomorrow night, look at one another, then all look at Cena. Cena, who clearly has seen OOWF award shows before, begs off, but it does no good. Stank catches him with a big right hand that sends him staggering right into a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! Darling shoves Davin, pulls Cena up and hits the DARLING DRIVER! Stank shoves Darling away and pulls a barely conscious Cena up and hits a STANK-U! Cena is DEAD! The three of them turn back to a roaring crowd and lift their awards as paramedics grab Cena by the arms and drag him off the stage. The trio take their seats and GM Selena comes back out>
GMS: Good, he yelled too much. Our next award is one that really means a lot to me. I have watched a lot of wrestling, as GM, I think it is good to know what is going on in other places, mostly to see what they are ripping off from us. There is no doubt in my mind that we are THE best wrestling fed in the world, and one place we stand out in particular……promos. You all do a FANTASTIC job with promos….
From the Crowd: PROMO EVANS
Everyone else: SHUT UP ALEX!
GMS: Anyway, here to present Promo of the Year……oooh we spent BIG money for this one, ladies and gentlemen C……M……..PUNK!
LOOK IN MY EYES, WHAT DO YOU SEE
<CM Punk walks out to the podium, takes the mic, then walks a few feet away and sits cross legged on the floor.>
CMP: So……this is the OOWF. I have heard about you. You know, there was a time in this business, this sport, that being a good promo man didn’t matter. What mattered is what you could do IN the ring. You let the match tell the story. The stuff outside the ring, well, it didn’t matter. Somewhere along the lines, that changed, and in my opinion, it was not a change for the better. Sure, you had guys, guys like Ric Flair, guys like Dusty Rhodes – when you could understand him – guys that could tell a story with their promos as well as with their wrestling. But then that changed too, soon enough, you had guys getting pushed – that’s insider talk for kissing enough ass to move up the card – simply because they were good on the mic. They couldn’t wrestle their way out of a paper bag, but they could pop the crowd with random catch phrases, you hear me Dwayne? And to make things worse, you had guys who were GODS in the ring, but because they were not great promo men, they got overlooked. Chris Benoit……yeah I said his name……should have been more than he was, you hear that Vince? You see, I am the best wrestler in the world today because I am the best at wrestling what makes me even better, is that with a mic in my hand, this mic becomes a pipebomb, and I will unleash hell on whoever I want. Now, let’s hear the nominations for Promo of the Year
VOG: the nominees for Promo of the Year are…..Disney Spectacular – Eric O’Mac, Moosehead Jack exposed – Davin Moreland, and BC’s Booker Meeting
CMP: And the winner is………BC’s Booker Meeting!
<Bradley Cooper walks out on stage and takes the award from CM Punk>
BC: I have to assume this is my award from my starring role in the A-Team
GMS: Wait, you didn’t write the Booker Meeting promo?
BC: The what now?
GMS: You are not the guy that write for Poe, Selena and the Flyin Hawaiians?
BC: The who, the what and the how now?
<just then kayfabe comes out on stage carrying a flaming barbed wire wrapped katana, why? BGFYTW. Bradley Cooper backs away in horror, CM Punk shrugs his shoulders and leaves, and GM Selena just shakes her head and heads to the podium>
GMS: Ok, well, THAT was not well thought through. How bout we just move on, kay?
<Kayfabe nods, and blows out the flame on the katana>
GMS: I didn’t mean…..you know what? Never mind. Let’s keep things moving, shall we? The OOWF is a violent place. I know, way to state the obvious, right? We have seen our share of blood feuds, respect feuds and everything in between. The OOWF, we do feuds right! Hey legal guys! Get that on a t-shirt! Anyway, here to present Feud of the Year, Michael Hayes and Lacey Von Erich!
<the crowd applauds as Hayes and Von Erich walk out. In the crowd, Father Lou and Shark give Hayes a standing ovation. Lacey looks confused, or, normal, and predictably Hayes does the talking>
MH: You know, I know in years past you have had Tommy Dreamer and Raven out here to present Feud of the Year, and I am not going to take anything away from that feud at all, that was intense, bloody and seemed to get VERY personal. But, in my oh so humble opinion, the Freebird-Von Erich feud tops it. We didn’t like those cats, and they sure didn’t like us
LVE: My brothers did not like you
MH: Of course they didn’t sweets. What separates a good feud from a legendary feud, is how the crowd reacts. The Freebirds were public enemy number one in Texas, I got more death threats than anyone in wrestling. Every night we wrestled, the fans wanted one of those Von Erich boys to kill one of is, and every night, we left them disappointed. The OOWF is no different, if you give the fans what they want every night, they go home happy and have no reason to come back. But the feuds this year? Outstanding in their own right. Maybe not as great as Freebirds vs. Von Erichs, but damn good.
LVE: Let’s get the nominees!
VOG: The nominees for Feud of the Year are……..Texpress vs. The Flyin’ Hawaiians…….and Alexander Darling vs. Stank
MH: And the winner is…….
LVE: Texpress vs. The Flyin Hawaiians! Yay Texas!
<Kai, Aina, Chad and Zane all get out of their seats and head to the podium. The crowd gives them a rousing ovation. The cheers finally die down and Chad speaks first>
CM: You know, if you look back at the history of the award, it is littered with blood feuds. Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG, the Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy, Fire vs. Tytan……those were all among the bloodiest feuds in OOWF history.
ZM: This year it is different. We may not always see eye to eye with Kai and Aina, but it is not about bleeding them dry. It is not about broken bones or sneak attacks, or threats of death. This year, it is about one thing
Aina: Respect. That seems to be a four letter word around here brahs, but it is true. Kai and I, well, for awhile there, we didn’t have our heads on right, but it didn’t matter, whenever we faced Texpress, we knew we were in for a fight, but we also knew we didn’t have to worry about sneak attacks, or someone in the ring just looking to break our bones
Kai: The Kai has this to say……..for the millions………..AND MILLIONS of Kai fans out there……..for all my brahs on the big island……..the Kai has one thing to say, one thing to say to these men, and to all of you………..thank you. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLALALALLALALAL WHAT THE KAI…………IS………COOKIN!
<the two teams leave the stage and get another standing ovation from the crowd. GM Selena comes back to the podium applauding all four men>
GMS: Wow, that HAS to be a first in the OOWF. A feud of the year award where no one got laid out. Who says we can’t change? Next up…….match of the year! Yay! We are getting to the big awards! Match of the year! Week in and week out, the OOWF delivers more great matches than any wrestling company on this planet <crowd pops>. Tonight, we are going to honor the match that blew all the others out of the water, the match that was considered the best, by all of you. Here to present the OOWF Match of the Year Award…….your Olympic Gold Medal winner, Kurt Angle!
<Angle comes out from the back and the crowd gives him a nice ovation. Angle stands before the podium waiting for the crowd to die down and finally speaks>
KA: It is not an accident that I was asked to present Match of the Year. I have been in more highly regarded matches than anyone in professional wrestling. It takes more than a great wrestler to make a match of the year though, otherwise all of my matches would be tied for match of the year
<crowd grumbles at this>
KA: What? You doubt me? I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken freakin neck, you think I can’t carry some of the ham and eggers I face to five star matches? Cause I can. The point is, the match itself takes two people on the same page, it takes a good build, it takes a lot to make it something SPECIAL, and tonight we are going to honor that. Voice Over Guy, let’s get the nominees
VOG: The nominees for Match of the Year are……..Firewoman vs. Tytan and Matt Folz vs. Stank vs. Alexander Darling
KA: And the winner is……….Firewoman vs. Tytan!
<Fire and Tytan get to their feet and both head to the podium, Fire looks at Tytan with a bit of hatred in her eyes, but she steps in front of him and speaks first>
FW: This is a bittersweet award for me. On one hand, it was one of the greatest matches of my career. It also happened to take place on the worst night of my life. Tytan pushed me further than I have ever been pushed……..and then some. I have forgiven him for his actions that night, I have moved on, and I am a better person for it. I want to thank all of you for this honor, this means a lot. Thank you
<the crowd applauds and Fire steps back. Tytan takes the mic and seems to think about what he is going to say for a moment>
Tytan: I never asked for, or wanted, your forgiveness. I do not regret a thing about that match. The aftermath……..perhaps. If sending a fellow wrestler to their death is what it takes to win match of the year……..then next year, I will be right back here. Danny and Jack……you two are next
<Tytan leaves the stage and the crowd boos him a bit, well, the faces do. GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: Way to be a Debbie Downer there Tytan. Ok let’s keep this moving before Jeff Hardy shows up and starts an Emoetry Slam. Next up, Angle of the year. Angle of the year is….
<Kurt Angle walks back out onto the stage and to the podium>
KA: I think it is clear that I am the Angle of the year. I am the greatest Angle ever known.
<just then someone with a long gray beard wearing a toga, and carrying a large geometry book runs out on to the stage and WAFFLES Angle upside the head! Angle is down! And, since this is Kurt Angle, he is bleeding. The man walks to the podium and looks out at the stunned crowd>
Man: I am Euclid. I am the creator of all angles. Right, obtuse, acute, all of them. There are no angles greater than me
<it now becomes apparent, that this “Greek” has a Canadian accent. “Euclid” pulls off his beard and wig and it is ERIC YOUNG!>
EY: GOTCHA! You all TOTALLY fell for that! HA! See what I did there? That is an angle. I could show up on Impact next week and say I was hit in the head by Scott Baio and now I think I am the father of Geometry. It would all lead to a great big fight with that Pythagoras guy……..Pythagoras, I am gunning for you! Hey! Maybe I could get a match with Winnie Cooper too! Ooohhh I should go write this down!
<Eric walks off, clearly distracted, so Voice Over Guy gives us the nominees>
VOG: The nominees for Angle of the Year are…….Firewoman’s death and rebirth……..CEO Ecosystem……The Saga of Texpress and finally…….The Formation of the Brass Knuckle Kings
<there is a pause as we wait for Eric Young to come back>
VOG: Eric? Uhhhhhh Eric Young? Oh screw it. The winner is……<sound of an envelope being opened> CEO Ecosystem
<Eco gets out of his seat and walks to the podium, but the man still does not look right. He glares out over the audience, stopping to stare at Stank in particular, then Moose>
Eco: My work here is not finished.
<with that Eco leaves the podium and heads back to his seat, the expression on his face never changing one bit>
GMS: Okkkkkkay that was creepy dude. Next up is the award for Tag Team of the year. If there is one thing the OOWF does well, it is Tag Team wrestling! <cheap pop> Here to present the award for Tag Team of the Year is a man who knows a thing or two about Tag Team Wresting…….Ladies and Gentlemen, Big Poppa Pump, Scott Steiner!
<Steiner comes out, somehow without hurting himself, and steps to the mic, he looks over at Selena and eyes her up and down>
SS: Maybe when you get tired of that Poe guy and want to be with a REAL man, you give Big Poppa Pump a call. HOLLAR IF YA HEAR ME! Anyway, tag team of the year huh? Well I got news for ya, there ain’t a tag team in the WORLD that can hold a candle to me and my brother Rick. Those Texas queers like to talk about being the measuring stick, well, they can’t measure up to the Steiner Brothers. As for the rest of you, what are there, four tag teams in this? Let me break down your odds of being better than the Steiners
SS: normally if you compare two teams you got a 50/50 chance of being the best, but I’m a genetic freak and my brother is the Dogface Gremlin and we’re not normal so you got a 25% chance, at best, of being better than us. Then you add another team to the mix and you chances of winning go drastically down, with three other teams, you got a 33 1/3% chance of winning, but the Steiners, they have a 66 2/3% chance of winning because the other teams know they can’t be as great as us. So, those other teams take their 33 13/% chance, and minus the Steiner’s 25% chance and you got an 8 1/3% chance of being better than us. But then, you take the Steiner’s 75% chance of winning and add another 66 2/3% chance of us winning and we got a 141 2/3% chance of winning. See, the numbers don’t lie, and they spell disaster for any team that thinks they can TOUCH the Steiner Brothers. But, you can try, so let’s hear the nominees
VOG: The nominees for Tag Team of the Year are……….The Brass Knuckle Kings………The Flyin Hawaiians…….Drink & Destroy………and Texpress
SS: And the Winner of Tag Team That is Not as Good as The Steiner Brothers is……….Drink & Destroy!
<Danny and Jack get to their feet and head to the podium, the crowd cheers them on, even the heels give them a nice ovation. Danny and Jack get to the podium and, naturally, Jack does all the talking>
OBJ: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLCH. <the crowd pops> That’s Australian for DAMN! This feels good! I have been in some great tag teams through the years, Texpress, 3Piece Set, Corax & Hellion, hell even the original incarnation of Drink & Destroy, Stank and FF Capslock. I had a great run with Gator as The Team From Down Under, but we could never quite make it over the top and win Tag Team of the Year. After Gator got hurt and couldn’t wrestle anymore, I tried teaming with that backstabbing weasel LD Williams, but that didn’t work. When Danny and Vic approached me to team, to accept them into Drink & Destroy, I was hesitant. So I sat down and had a talk with Jack of the Hinterlands and Back of Beyond Jack, and they agreed to give the rookie a shot. Danny did not disappoint, and here we stand, the OOWF Tag Team of the Year.
<The crowd cheers as Jack steps back from the podium, Danny steps up and looks out over the crowd. He looks at the award and mouths BOOM! The place goes insane! They head back to their seats and GM Selena comes back to the podium>
GMS: Ok, we are getting close to the end. Good thing too, the open bar just let me know we are running low on booze
OBJ: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
GMS: Calm down mate. Ok, next up, this is my favorite award. Heel of the year. I love the bad guys! What can I say? The Heel of the Year is the award that goes to the best bad guy in the OOWF. The most despicable, vicious, violent, demented, deranged, psychotic, bloodthirsty person on the roster, that is MY kind of wrestler! Here to present Heel of the Year…….Austin Aires!
AA: I was kind of surprised when they asked me to present Heel of the Year. I was surprised they didn’t ask me to host this whole thing. I mean really why WOULDN’T they want the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived to host this show? So, you want me to talk about being a heel. Well, I really don’t know what that means. I am simple Austin Aires, the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived. How is being honest being a heel? Well, anyway, I am going to have the Voice Over Guy read you the list of wrestlers who are NOT the Greatest Men Who Ever Lived, for heel of the year
VOG: The nominees for Heel of the Year are……..Moosehead Jack and Ecosystem
AA: And the winner is………….Ecosystem!
<Eco slowly looks up from his table, and scans the crowd. He spots Moose who returns his glare. Eco gets to his feet and walks to the podium and looks at the award, then throws it down, smashing it. He grabs the side of the podium and trembles a little bit>
Eco: You all HATE me? YOU hate ME? After all I have DONE for you? I came back here to RID the OOWF of Moosehead Jack, and do ANY of you step up and offer to help? ANY OF YOU FUCKING COWARDS? No. Not a single one. You hate me because you don’t understand me. I am here to help you. I am here to make you better. <Eco stares right at Moose> My life suffocates , planting the seeds of hate, I’ve loved, turned to hate, trapped far beyond my fate. I give, you take, this life that I forsake, been cheated of my youth, you’ve turned this lie to truth. Anger, misery, you’ll suffer unto me.
<Eco turns and walks backstage, and that is the last we see of him for this evening. The camera cuts back to see Moose grinning with a look of sadistic joy on his face. GM Selena comes back onto the stage and cuts the growing tension>
GMS: Well then. Guess he didn’t want the award. His loss. Since we give an award for Heel of the Year, we have to give an award for Face of the Year. Can’t have one without the other right? Even if faces are generally sappy do-gooders, they provide a service in wrestling – punching bag for the heels. Ok seriously, just kidding. Here to present Face of the Year………the Legend, Ricky “the Dragon” Steamboat!
<the crowd gives Steamboat a standing ovation. Davin looks like he is going to start squealing like a little girl. Steamboat takes the podium and looks very humbled to be here>
RS: I have to say thank you to everyone for that ovation. Most all of you began your career long after I ended mine, so getting that kind of a response means a lot to me. It means, my legacy as a wrestler lives on.
<the crowd breaks into a DRA-GON, DRA-GON chant, Steamboat looks like he has to fight back tears>
RS: Early in my career a promoter came up to me and told me, “Rick, you will never get over as a vanilla babyface. You need an edge. Break the rules, use that karate stuff you know to get the fans to boo you. You do that, and you will go places in wrestling.” To me, that was like a slap in the face. That meant that he had no faith in my ability as a wrestler and wanted me to get over on cheap tricks. From that day forward I vowed I would never play the heel. I would never take the short cut, I would never let the fans down. And alongside of winning the NWA world title, and my feud with Ric Flair that many consider the greatest series of matches in wrestling history, that is my proudest achievement in this sport. It is my honor to announce the winner of the OOWF Face of the Year. Voice Over Guy, please read the nominees
VOG: The nominees for Face of the Year are…….Alexander Darling and El Lobo Sangriento
RS: And the winner is…….Alexander Darling!
<Darling gets to his feet and hugs Fire, then makes his way to the podium. The crowd applauds, well, except Moose, who gives him a very sarcastic golf clap>
AD: I have to admit, this year, this award meant more to me than usual. Last year Ravenna Blue and I shared this award. I don’t begrudge her her success, but I feel as though I have worked harder than anyone to change people’s opinion of me. When I came to the OOWF, I was brash, obnoxious, and I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. Years later, I am still brash, I can still be obnoxious, and for the most part, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. But, I am not the same man now that I was then. For one, I am your OOWF World Heavyweight Champion, something I took for granted as a birthright in the past, but now, now I understand that no one has the right to this title, this title is earned. This title was built on the backs of those who came before me, and will enjoy continued success because of the things I have accomplished with it. In the end, you may not like me, you may not respect me, but you will understand that I am Alexander Darling and you, well, you’re just not. Thank you
<Darling gets a nice ovation as he heads back to his seat and hugs Fire again. GM Selena comes out to finish things off>
GMS: Ok, this is the one we have all been waiting for. Wrestler of the Year. I know each and every one of you takes pride in what you do. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have lasted a day in the OOWF. Everyone here is an amazing athlete, and a great wrestler, but to be singled out as THE best among your peers, that is something special. Here to present this award, and really, is there anyone any better to present it than him? Ladies and Gentlemen, considered by many to be the greatest wrestler to ever lace up a pair of boots, “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair!
<2001: A Space Odyssey plays –yeah we sprung for the music – and The Nature Boy comes out in a very expensive looking Armani suit. He styles and profiles to the podium and the audience gives him a lengthy standing ovation. The cheers die down, and it looks like Flair has tears in his eyes>
RF: whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
<huge pop>
RF: You know, I have been associated with this company pretty much since day one. I have seen great ones come and go. UnderDawg, Chris Cole, Hardbody Harris, Donovan “by God” Viper, they have all graced that ring and left this place a little better than they found it. But as I look around this crowd tonight, I can say, with God as my witness, that THIS is the BEST the OOWF has EVER been!
<huge pop>
RF: For years, I was considered the best in that ring. I was considered the best by the reporters, by the announcers, by the fans, but most importantly, by my fellow wrestlers. Those men and women in the locker room considered ME the elite in this business. THAT……..THAT is an HONOR you never EVER forget. Tonight, we add another name to the list of all-time greats. We add another name to the list of Immortals in this business. We add another wrestler who has give it his all, all his blood, all his sweat, and all his tears to be the VERY best there is. To be the man that one day, others will call GOD.
<even bigger pop>
RF: <laughing> Now……….let’s get the nominees for Wrestler of the Year so we can get this party started. The ladies in the back want to know what it is like to ride Space Mountain……..and I am Ric “BY GOD” Flair, and I NEVER disappoint!
VOG: The nominees for Wrestler of the Year are…….”The Crusher” Stan Fulton and Stank
RF: And the winner is……<opening the envelope> The baddest man I have seen in the ring……..STANK!
<Stank gets a standing ovation from the crowd. He stops and shakes hands with Moose, LD, Stan and Tytan, then heads to the podium. He gets there and waits, but the cheers go on and on. Finally they stop and Stank looks at his award for a moment.>
Stank: I really don’t know what to say. This is the third time you have voted me wrestler of the year. There are only so many ways I can say thank you. What Ric said really hit a chord for me, this IS an honor I will never forget. I go out there every night, every single night. Whether I am wrestling for the world title, or facing a rookie, and my goal is to steal the show. Any time I have to promo, my goal is for that promo to be the Promo of the Year. It’s not about winning individual awards. It’s about making the OOWF THE place to be. This spring, when Eco took over and all the contracts had to be renewed, I got a call from Vince McMahon at 12:01am the day the contracts expired.
<loud boos>
Stank: Vince essentially offered me the sun, the moon and the stars to come work for the WWE. He told me to name my price. He told me I could keep my name, and all the merchandising rights that go with it. He told me I would be slotted right into the Main Event picture, no going to FCW or any of that. He told me I would have complete creative control, something Vince NEVER does. When Vince got done talking about it, I took a second to think about it, literally, and I told him thanks, but no thanks.
<HUGE cheers here>
Stank: Ten seconds later, I had signed my OOWF contract and re-upped for several years. Do I regret that decision? Not even a little bit
<More ovation>
Stank: I am here for two reasons, one, to be the VERY best wrestler in the world, and I can’t prove that ANYWHERE else but here! The ROH title? The WWE title? The TNA title? Any title in Japan? It all pales in comparison to the OOWF World Heavyweight title.
<yep, more cheers>
Stank: My second reason for staying? Making the OOWF even better. We are already THE premier wrestling fed on this planet, but I am convinced I…….WE……can make it even better. I will do all I can to make this place even better, but right now, all I can do is thank you all, sincerely. Thank you all.
<Stank gets a standing ovation from the crowd as we fade to black>
****
It’s that part of the show again. It’s time for me, John Roberts, to thank all of you. I know I say this every year, and every year I mean it, but thank you. Thank you all for the ideas and hard work that you put into the OOWF. This silly little creative writing experiment from hell has really seen me through a lot. Through a bachelor’s degree, through a master’s degree, through a divorce and nervous breakdown, the OOWF has been a constant. It hasn’t always been pretty, and it hasn’t always been easy. There have been a few times when I seriously considered walking away from it, but something keeps pulling me back. This whole thing has taken on a life of its own, and in a strange way, it has become real. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. Without all your hard work and dedication, that would never have been the case. You guys make this what it is, so again, thank you. Here’s to another year of blood, gore and OMG SWERVES!
- John
Past Winners[/u]
Wrestler of the Year
2011 - Stank
2010 – Alexander Darling
2009 - Poe
2008 - Stank
2007 – Stank
2006 – Thim Reynolds
2005 – Donovan Viper
Tag Team of the Year
2011 – Drink & Destroy (Danny Taylor & Outback Jack)
2010 - Texpress
2009 - kz
2008 – Phantos & Lucios
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – 3Piece Set
Face of the Year
2011 – Alexander Darling
2010 – (tie) Ravenna Blue & Alexander Darling
2009 - Ecosystem
2008 – (tie) Concrete TG and Phantos & Lucios
2007 – Firechild
2006 – Capellan
2005 – Hardbody Harris
Heel of the Year
2011 - Ecosystem
2010 – Moosehead Jack
2009 - Firewoman
2008 – Eric O’Mac
2007 – Stank
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – Donovan Viper
Breakthrough Star of the Year
2011 – El Lobo Sangriento
2010 – Ravenna Blue
2009 – Chris Evans
2008 - Firewoman
2007 – Voltage
2006 – The Halfrican Americans
2005 – (tie) Firechild & Capellan
Match of the Year
2011 – Firewoman vs. Tytan – November Pain 3
2010 – (tie) Firewoman vs. Alexander Darling – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Iron Person Match - OOWF Blood Bath in Paradise 3 & Chris Evans vs. Bryce Larson – Steel Cage Match –OOWF Judgment Eve 5
2009 – kz vs. The Team From Down Under – MidWeek Mayhem 5/20
2008 – OOWF Jobber Gauntlet
2007 - The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy – Unsanctioned Match
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Devil’s Brigade vs. wCw – Bamboo Scaffold Match
2005 – Canadian Dragon vs. UnderDawg – Ultimate Hell
Feud of the Year
2011 – Texpress vs. The Flyin Hawaiians
2010 - Alexander Darling vs. The Quinn’s
2009 – Firewoman vs. Tytan
2008 – Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Angle of the Year
2011 – CEO Ecosystem
2010 – Firewoman’s Wedding
2009 – The Rise and Fall of Run DEA
2008 – Team Rick Goes to Jail
2007 – (tie) DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship & Drink & Destroy vs. The Heroes Guild
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Promo of the Year
2011 – Booker Meeting - BC
2010 – Where I’m From - Ecosystem
2009 – The OOWF Goes Hollywood - Stank
2008 – A History of The Chickenshit Heels
2007 – Drink & Destroy Genealogy Promo
2006 – OOWF Airplane Ride From Hell
2005 – Donovan Viper’s Promo Before Dance of Death
Finisher of the Year
2011 – (tie)Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland, Dark Darling Rising – Alexander Darling, Stank-U - Stank
2010 – Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2009 – Crucifix Bomb - Poe
2008 – Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2007 – (tie)A Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland & Intentional Disqualification – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – Call of the Wild – The Team From Down Under
2005 – The Chomp – GatorBait
Catchphrase of the Year
2011 – Boom! – Danny Taylor
2010 – I’m Junichiro Muyo, and I WILL Save You - Ecosystem
2009 – Work Smarter, Not Harder - Ecosystem
2008 - HA! – Eric O’Mac
2007 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2006 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2005 - Trust Me – Moosehead Jack
Gimmick of the Year
2011 – No Gimmick Needed – Stan Fulton
2010 – Eco the Savior
2009 – Tytan: DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion
2008 – Rabbxt Becomes Bunny
2007 – “Cowboy” Johnny Adrenaline
2006 – The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000
2005 – Donovan Viper
NPC (Non-Player Character) of the Year
2011 – Justin Sane
2010 - Selena
2009 - Selena
2008 – (tie) Carl From Fresno & Alexis Darling
2007 – No Award Given
2006 – Missy
2005 – Ric Flair