OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 08-31-05

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Joe, Montana

OOWF world Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
Niles Anderson vs. Microplay

OOWF Intercontinental title Match[/u]
Blackdragon vs. Eric O’Mac

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
3Piece Set vs. Drink & Destroy

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Thim Reynolds vs. Firechild

Best of Seven Series – Match Five[/u]
Chris Alt vs. Hardbody Harris

UnderDawg vs. Donovan Viper
Canadian Dragon vs. Capellan
The Team From Down Under vs. SoulDragon & Mercury
Phil vs. Beast
Attitude Adjuster & Johnny Adrenaline vs. The Establishment
Concrete TG vs. Tommy O’Neil
Dr. Murder & Mikey Styner vs. wCw
LD Williams vs. Corax vs. Mr. Jealous
Moosehead Jack vs. Harper Camby
Hellion vs. GimmickMan vs. Uncle Entity

Card subject to, um, what is that again, ch-ch-ch-changes!

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline is still in the physician's room when he pulls out a cell phone. He dials a number and we hear his end of the conversation.]

JA: Yo Knuckles! What's up? ... Great. ... What? ... Well how did he die? ... Oh, well pass on my best to her. ... Look, what are the odds on the Harris/Alt match this week? ... Put me down for $50,000 on Alt. ... Yeah, you heard me right, fifty grand ... I got a hunch...

[fade to black]

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank is in Drink & Destroy's locker room re-taping his knee when FF Capslock storms in, carrying two aluminum bats.*

FFC - You ready to do this, big man?

Stank - I was born ready. Let's go.

*Drink & Destroy stroll down the backstage area with a purpose. They arrive at 3-Piece Set's locker room. Stank gives FFC a nod and then they KICK the door in. They search the entire locker room but, no one is there.*

FFC - Where those s go?

Stank - Let's keep looking.

*Drink and Destroy go back out to the hallway when they eye Firechild rounding a corner. FFC & Stank run, bearing down on Firechild. Firechild still oblivious to the threat behind him strolls by Ric Flair's sandwich stand.*

Flair - WHOOO! What can I get for you Firech... NO! NOT my table AGAIN! WHOOO!

Firechild - Wha... Oh !

*Firechild narrowly ducks a metal bat to his head as he scrambles and bolts down the hallway. Drink & Destroy give chase but Firechild outruns them.

*The Onslaught champion runs out back to 3-Piece Set's Cadillac Escalade, where Ax and Cole are waiting*

Firechild - START THE ENGINE WE GOTTA GO!

Ax - o.O !!!

*The champs jump into their vehicle and PEEL OUT of the parking lot! FFC & Stank arrive in time to see the Escalade driving off.

FFC throws his metal bat after the fleeing vehicle and it CRASHES through the back window of the Escalade. Stank then turns to the camera breathing heavily*

Stank - No catch phrases today, boys.

FFC - Just a good ole fashioned asswhoopin delayed!

Stank - You're just prolonging the inevitable.

FFC - We WILL get OUR titles BACK!

Stank - And we will DESTROY 3-Piece Set in the PROCESS!

FFC - God help ANYONE who would stand in our WAY!

*Drink & Destroy toss their bats and go back inside*

camera fades

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan meets Firechild in a corridor, in what seems to be a glaring continuity error.

"Good win at the PPV." Capellan nods.

"What'd that supposed to mean?" Firechild demands, suspiciously.

Capellan blinks,

"It means you had a good win." he nods towards Firechild's belt, "Two time Champion now."

"Yeah .." Firechild slaps the belt, still not entirely over his suspicions, "I figured you'd be ragging on me for Ax and Cole taking Thim's little toy off him."

"Oddly, Thim getting screwed is not so much of a bother to me, these days." Capellan's tone is dry.

Firechild laughs.

"He'd better get used to it, because there's no way he's getting this belt back on Wednesday."

"Good, because I'm looking forward to taking it off you."

Firechild scowls,

"I beat you twice, flippy-boy. If you get a shot, I'll do it again. You only won last time because I was messing with Seraph."

Capellan grins,

"Keep telling yourself that, 'child. It'll make getting the belt off you all the easier."

With a nod to the still scowling Firechild, Capellan heads on his way. Behind him, we see Firechild head round a corner. Seconds later, Drink and Destroy charge across the screen.

HA~! CONTINUITY, BITCHES~!

[mooseheadjack]

*Chris Alt is in the locker room playing his PS2 when Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster enter*

CA: What the hell are you two knuckleheads doing in here? Get out!

JA: Whoa! Calm down there fella, we come in peace!

CA: I suggest you get out quickly if you don't want to leave in pieces.

AA: Tough talk there, big guy. Real tough talk for a guy who is sitting on the wrong side of a 3-1 lead, IF you know what I mean.

CA *rolls his eyes*: Noooooooo, Capps, I DON'T know what you mean. Could you PLEASE explain it to me?

AA: I'm saying--

JA *interupting*: He's being a smartass, Capps.

CA: What do you two want? Shouldn't you be somewhere near the gorilla position tickling each others nuts or something?

JA: Hm, that's cute. No, Chris. You see, we came to give you a friendly warning. I've made a fairly sizeable investment in you, so all of a sudden, I'm exceedingly interested in your performance against Hardbody Harris at Mayhem this week. Ya see Chris, if you lose this match... it'll be just like I lost the match, but I'll be losing so much more than just a match. I'd be losing a pretty big chunk of money. And we'd BOTH hate that, wouldn't we?

CA: Actually, I'm trying to care less about you and your money, but I just can't seem to muster up any more indifference.

AA: Looks like you're missing the point, Alter Boy. Point is, if you lose to Harris this week, Johnny and I are going to be MIGHTY upset.

CA: Oh, gosh, I'd sure HATE to do anything to disappoint you guys.

JA *starts casually holding his golf club as a weapon*: You don't have to like us to not want to upset us, Alt.

CA: Johnny, if you're going to handle that golf club like that, I suggest you either use it or bend over and grab your ankles because I will shove that thing so far up your ass that you'll be able to make a putt by looking at the hole and coughing.

*JA and AA take a step back and look at each other*

JA *chuckles in a "just kidding" way*: Chris, look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here. All I'm saying is that Capps and I are really, really pulling for you to win your match this week.

CA: I'm touched, Johnny. Really.

AA: And... well, if you happen to find yourself in trouble, we could... you know...

CA: Listen to me, and listen very, very closely. I don't care what you idiots decided to gamble on me. I don't care if it's 20 dollars or 20 million dollars. I don't care if you've got a bad haircut riding on this, or the life of your firstborn child, or anything else. If I beat Hardbody Harris at Mayhem-- and the next two times I wrestle him after that, for that matter-- it's going to be because I was the better wrestler those times, because I wanted it more, NOT because I had the better backup, NOT because two chickenshit douchebags had a vested interest in the outcome of the match and had to interfere to suit their agendas. If you two roided-up chimpanzees take it upon yourselves to so much as come to ringside during this match, I will spend the next several months after the best of seven series wraps up making your every waking moments absolutely unbearable. Now I highly urge you to get what they call "the hell" out of my locker room, before I lose my temper.

*JA and AA look pissed at the threats but decide not to pursue the issue*

JA: Just beat Harris this week, and everything's copacetic.

AA: Oooh, good big word!

JA: Thank ya. Let's go.

CA: Hey, boys.

*JA and AA turn around*

CA: Tell Niles Anderson I'm coming for him and his belt.

*fade to black*

[mooseheadjack]

The 3PS stop off at a bar downtown and head in for a drink, Firechild stopping to notice a 'metal band seeks new guitarist' poster on the door.

Firechild heads off to the mens room to wash his hands, and meets Mr Jealous inside. washing some blood off his hands.

Jealous looks up and says "Like the change in direction boy, I thought I'd have to kick your ass back to the darks side myself!"

FC: Thanks for the vote of confidence man, you did pretty well at the PPV yourself, shutting up that mouthy AA. Whats with the blood?

MJ: Usual, some guy was having a look at my girl, so now he's lookng for his teeth in his drink.

Firechild stops dryoing his hands and considers this, making a mental note.

FC: OK.....

MJ: I heard that dick of a GM saying that Seraph got airlifted to a private hospital out in the midwest, hes got 90% 3rd degree burns, severe concussion, a pile of broken bones, and when they pulled those nails out..... lets just say he might never play piano again.... Nice.

FC: Glad you liked it man. Say you know I'm facing Thim, the English guy at Mayhem?

MJ: Yeah, so?

FC: Well, your going out with that little hotty Jen right?

MJ: Whats your point Flame, we go a long way back but don't fuck with me.

FC: Its not me or you thats doing the fucking man....

Jealous lashes out and smashes the mirror, then grabs Firechild by the collar and gets right in his face.

MJ: Explain, and keep it short!

FC: Just saying that I think Thim's a bit sweet on your girl man, I wouldnt say anything but we go way back, like you say and maybe you should know.....

Jealous drops Firechild and storms out, nearly knocking the door off its hinges...

MJ: He's a dead man.............

Firechild dusts himself down, and straightens himself up and walks out.

Ax & Cole are in a corner, already with an impressive array of empty glasses and bottles as well as a few ladies, one of whom is Firechild's old paramour, Cindy.

She sidles up, walking in that knee trembling way...

C: Hey Flame, I missed you, what's up with MJ?

FC: (slipping his arm round her, and addressing the whoel group) Just getting some good news and getting down to a little business, which brings me to......

[mooseheadjack]

Viper, Corax, O'Neill, and Camby are in the locker room.

DV: I can't believe that goddamn Underdawg kept me from winning the title. I had Niles, beat dammit!

Cor: Well, you've got him at Mayhem this week.

DV: Yeah. See, that's his plan. He screws with me, and then kisses the Rick's ass to get a shot against me. I don't want to wrestle that mutt no more.

HC: We can take care of him again, you know. Make it so he doesn't make it to his match.

DV: We could. But you know... I have an idea. Let that big furball have a match against me. You see, I think I just found another use for my dear sweet Missy.

TO: Yer en evil bastahd, Dunnie. Ye know?

DV: Oh yeah, Tommy. I know. Heheh.

[mooseheadjack]

After the talk with firechild Mr jealous went looking for Thim , when MJ got to the hotel he see thim & runs after him, grabbing him by the throat. He throws him up again the wall & starts to shout at him.

MJ: what the f**k are you playing at looking at MY girl? you f**king C**t I have a good mind to take your f**king head off you little s**t
(MJ starts to breath very deeply & his eye's start to glaze over, he can feel the anger taking over)

While holding Thim with his left hand he lifts his right hand & goes to punch Thim but instead punchs the wall right next to Thims face,
MJ leans in close, whispering

MJ ; I'll leave it for now and let Firechild deal with you, but if he doesnt finish the job, be warned the jealous rage will.....

MJ drops Thim to his hands and knees and walks away shouting and screaming, SHES MY GIRL AND DONT LET ANYONE FORGET IT.......

[mooseheadjack]

[Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are walking backstage.]

JA: Man, Like I'm worried about Chris Alt running his mouth. It's not like we're gonna have to interfere in the match or anything.

AA: Yeah, I mean, since when does a best of seven series end on the fifth match? Alt's got it in the bag. But, the way he talked, he wasn't so sure.

JA: Man, he should know how wrestling angles work by now.

AA: I don't know, Johnny. How many angles have you seen where faces and heels share popcorn and watch porn together?

JA: Or burn down a parking deck?

AA: Or have out of body experiences?

JA: [momentarily concerned] Maybe the Harris/Alt series is a shoot. I'm gonna call off that bet.

AA: No, don't do that. I mean, even if this IS the OOWF, it's still goin' seven.

JA: ...You're right.

AA: Of course I am!

JA: So, should we tell Niles that Altar Boy's comin' for his belt?

AA: Nah. Niles will see the footage, and even if he doesn't, it's only Chris Alt.

[JA and AA walk past Flair's sandwich stand. Ric hands over two sandwiches without saying a word.]

AA: Thank ya, Naitch!

RF: No prob, big daddy!

JA: [with his mouth full] These things just get better and better.

[AA grabs Johnny by the shirt and pulls him back to The Rick's office door.]

AA: Hey Johnny, look at this.

JA: What?

AA: Man, we got a tag team match this week!

JA: You and me?

AA: Yeah, ain't that cool? You know we've been nominated for Tag Team of the year?

JA: Huh? We've only wrestled together like three times or something.

AA: Johnny, the cream rises to the top, don't you know that? Now, come on, let's go get ready...

JA: Promo time?

AA: Probably...

[fade to black]

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris is sitting on top of his long-forgotten SUPERIOR WRESTLER trophy. However, the trophy isn’t in the current OOWF arena. Instead, it’s sitting on top of the arena, a beacon in the night sky. Hardbody looks skyward before taking a sip of his pink lemonade.*

HH: (to himself): There’s nothing like sitting on top of a 50-foot trophy while wearing a white patent leather wrestling outfit and drinking a glass of pink lemonade out of the bleach-white skull of Archduke Franz Ferdinand to put things in perspective. *Sigh*

*Hardbody takes another sip from his Cranium Punch as he stares at the twinkling stars. He lovingly rubs his trophy, remembering how much pain and tribulation he had to go through to get it. He sighs again when he hears someone coming up the spiral staircase in the middle of the trophy. He turns to see Chris Alt.*

HH: What are you doing here?

CA: I just came to say hi, seeing how we’re best friends and all. Mind if I have some lemonade?

HH: Actually, I had one ready for you. Hope you don’t mind yours with a little extra “kick.”

*Hardbody pours lemonade from his cooler into the skull of soccer legend Pele and hands it to No Nickname Required. Alt looks at him in confusion.*

CA: But Pele’s not…

HH: (pushing the boney cup to Alt’s lips) Sshhh….

*Alt and Hardbody sit and watch the twilight in silence. Finally Hardbody speaks.

HH: I’m glad you came up here. I’ve been thinking. We’ve had four of the greatest matches in OOWF history these last few weeks. And while it looks like I have the upper hand and I’m pretty sure I’ll come out on top, you’ve certainly bested me on many occasions. This just may go to seven.

CA: Oh, it will go to seven. You can count on that, my friend. And it looks like Johnny “The Greek” Adrenaline is thinking the same way.

HH: Actually, that’s what’s on my mind. Whoever wins this series gets a shot at the OOWF Title at the year anniversary show. But all we’re doing is fighting each other, and we’re so busy being best friends—climbing hotel terraces, brushing up against nuns’ racks, playing whiffleball at the Alzheimer’s clinic and calling ourselves Joe DiMaggio and Billy the Kid—that come September, whenever one of us wins, we won’t have any time to build heat with our opponent. You hear me?

CA: I see your point, and I agree with it. After all, there’s no drama for one of us to turn on the other. We have to make something happen. What do you suggest?

HH: Here, let me pack up my trophy and I’ll tell you. Uh, you might want to hurry down.

*Hardbody slides down one of the pillars and pulls out a big steel briefcase. He opens up the briefcase and starts jamming the corner of the trophy into the container. Alt gets to the ground, and the camera shows him grimacing, looking concerned, taken aback, and a whole bunch of ACTING~! as it is apparent Hardbody is trying to jam the 50-foot trophy into the briefcase. Eventually the ordeal is over.*

HH: Hmm. I don’t know how Edge carries his prized possession around. Ah, fuck it. Let’s go.

*Hardbody and Alt leave, the Trophy 399/400ths sticking out of the briefcase. The camera follows them into the hallway, where Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster happen to be practicing a promo.*

JA: Okay, then *I* say, “I can’t believe you ate the whole thing!”

AA: Wait. Shouldn’t I say that? After all, it was me who ate all them chicken kabobs.

JA: Why would you say that “I can’t believe you ate the whole thing,” then? That doesn’t make any sense.

AA: Look, all I know is that this rubber chicken and 24-count pack of Orbitz gum is going to make for a killer promo. Hey, did you hear that?

JA: Sounds like cheering. I think. I haven’t heard that in a while.

AA: Must be a babyface around here. Quick, let’s talk shit and scamper awa…HEY HARDBODY AND ALT!

*Alt and Hardbody stand by, not looking amused*

JA: Look at the best friends. They’re such a nice pair!

HH: Cut the crap. Look, you’re Niles’ lackeys. And Alt and I need to start a feud with the current champion so one of us can have a big blowoff match. Tell us where he is.

AA: Look, we may be chickenshit heels. But we’re not stupid. You do know that you have to make your way past the faction leader’s errand boys before you can get to the big guy, right? You know, double team his enforcer, or, wait, even better: kick the shit out of the wussy, sniveling tag team that serve as his mouth piece. Yeah. You have to beat the hell out of his lackeys before getting to Niles. Standard procedure, y’know.

JA: (slapping forehead in disgust) You damn idio…

*Before he can finish the sentence, Hardbody and Alt kick the shit out of the wussy, sniveling tag team that serve as Niles’ mouthpiece. Alt whips Adrenaline into a guy walking across the hallway with a plate glass window. Harris beats AA with the rubber chicken until he’s BROILED WIDE OPEN! (get it!). The SuperFriends wipe their hands clean and smirk.

CA: I guess we’re ready to feud. Should be fun.

HH: Most def. Meanwhile, you want to go ride bikes?

*Hardbody and Alt walk down the hallway as the theme song from the classic television commercial for the “My Buddy” doll plays in the background.

MY BUDDY AND ME!*

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline comes to, brushes himself off and goes over to check on Attitude Adjuster.]

JA: Them little punkass... [sigh] ...damn it!

AA: Huh? What?

JA: You're bleeding.

AA: [wipes his forehead] Shit!

JA: So much for that promo...

AA: No, it ain't goin down like that. NOBODY stops an AA promo.

JA: Nobody.

AA: Who do I look like, Mr. Perfect?

****************************

[We return from an ad break and Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster are in the ring.]

AA: Pardon the blood on my forehead. I, uh... um...

JA: He cut himself slicing the sandwich Naitch gave him earlier.

AA: [away from the mic] A sandwich??

JA: Hey, it's better than...

AA: Yes, and it was a damn good sandwich! A sandwich that could've only been made by the Nature Boy himself!

RF: [from behind curtain] WHOOOOOOO!!!

AA: Thanks Naitch! Now enough putting over the caterer, it's time to put over some other worthy individuals...

JA: Ourselves.

AA: Ya see, Johnny Adrenaline is the uncrowned Intercontinental Champion. Had he been given a fair opportunity at the pay per view, there's no doubt he would've brought that title home.

JA: No doubt.

AA: And everybody knows AA equals ratings, and...

[Crowd begins chanting "bullshit."]

AA: ... I know, there's a lot of it in this town. I nearly stepped in some myself earlier tonight. Anyway, like I as saying, AA equals ratings, and there's two guys in that dressing room that obviously don't comprehend that too well.

JA: So, what we're saying... is Chris Altar Boy, Hardbody Harris, stop playing with your Cabbage Patch Kids and get your asses down here right now so me and A.C. here can beat the hell out of you two punkass sumbitches!

AA: And Hardbody, bring that trophy of yours with ya, too. I think it'd look good in my California mansion. Wouldn't it Johnny?

JA: I don't know, you've got so many trophies there that Hardbody's little SUPERIOR WRESTLER trophy might be dwarfed by all your REAL trophies.

AA: Anyway, like we were saying, Harris, Alt... bring your little...

[Before AA can finish his sentence, Morte and Endo hop the rail and storm the ring and pound the hell out of the chickenshit heels. Endo tackles AA and Morte hits a springboard hurricanrana on Johnny, sending Adrenaline thru the ropes. Endo slaps the claw on AA, but Johnny pulls his partner out of the ring, before Endo can inflict any more damage. Endo and Morte seeth in the ring while JA and AA make excuses as they hightail it up the ramp.]

[mooseheadjack]

The morning after, Firechild is picking his way across the bar of the hotel, nursing a sore head and some nasty scratches down his back, when he sees a manilla folder stuck under a half drunk bottle of Corona at the bar. Sitting next to GM the Rick's briefcase.

His interest piqued, Firechild takes a look at the file.

FC <talking to himself>: OOWF funds..... Island of Sin..... transfered of ownership to Mr Richard T. Scaia... reduction of pay bands to production and security staff..... interesting.

Firechild grins, and folds the file into his pocket.

FC: I think our lawyers, are gonna love this.......

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris and Chris Alt are riding their bikes in the arena screaming in glee. The Super Friends truly have a relationship to be viewed with awe and respect. A gust of wind is heard through the arena. EVIL wind. Hardbody's smile turns to concern as he stops his bike. Chris Alt rides ahead a bit before he realizes that Hardbody isn't with him anymore. He turns to see him surverying the scene cautiously.*

Alt - Something wrong, buddy?

HH - Did you feel that?

Alt - Feel what?

HH - Evil. I sense it.

Alt - Probably nothing to worry about.

HH - You're right and I'm not gonna let it get in the way of me having fun with my friend!

Alt - HIGH 5!!!

HH - AND LEMONADE!!!

*The camera angle switches to behind the 2 friends as they high-5. The ninja cameraman from before doesn't get out of view in time. We see him get decapitated by a samurai lord for not being stealthy enough. We at the OOWF take our stealth camera ability seriously.

Back on topic, after the enthisiastic high 5, the 2 friends ride down the hallway. As the ride, 2 feet step in front of the camera. The theme music from Halloween starts playing. The camera raises to take the mysterious figures perspective. We see a mask come over the viewfinder so that we can only see the scene through 2 eyeholes (you know, to make it scarier). The now mysterious masked man begins to walk down the hall towards where HH and Alt rode off to. The halloween music continues to play. Tension is in the air.

Maintaining it's first person perspective, a chair is seen leaning against the wall from the corner of one of the eye holes we have been allowed to see through. The mysterious masked man walks towards it and picks it up.

The view comes to a corner and peers around in a subtle manner so as not to get noticed. HH and Alt are at the Lemonade Stand singing show tunes together. Back around the corner, the mysterious masked man loops around the arena so as to come upon the unsuspecting super friends. To shame, they must be more akin to Aqua Man than Superman. They're stealth detection skills are sorely lacking.

The masked man continues to move, hiding behind bushes, garbage bins, telephone poles and various other random objects. He avoids detection. Finally, he makes his way to hide directly behind the lemonade stand. We can see the back of Alt and HH's face from this view. The chair is being held at ready. All of a sudden, HH's smile turns to concern. He starts sniffing the air.*

HH - There it is again.

Alt - I think you need to calm down man. There's nothing going on. Just because the Halloween theme is playing through the loudspeaker inexplicably doesn't mean there's evil in the air.

HH - You're right, I guess I should just...

*HH's eyes all of a sudden look right at the masked viewfinder.*

HH - Is that you Niles? You know, if you want to be inconspicuous, you might not want to wear the championship belt while having a mask on.

*Maintaining the first person view of the camera, the masked man jumps up from behind the lemonade stand and smacks HH over the head with a chair. He then takes a mighty swing at Alt. The swing connects and Alt crumples to the floor like a sack of shit. The masked man is breathing heavy at this point. He hits the 2 superfriends a few times for good measure and then runs off.

Camera angle switches to the crumpled up bodies of Hardbody Harris and Chris Alt. We would focus on that if it weren't for the fact that another Ninja Cameraman failed to get out of the way and is seen in full view of the camera. A hail of ninja stars flies at him, pinning him against the wall. His body quivers spastically before going limp. If only he were as stealth as the mysterious masked man. Maybe then, he would live a rich full life.*

[mooseheadjack]

[Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are coming back from having their promo interrupted when they come across Harris and Alt laid out by the lemonade stand. The chickenshit heels look around and don't see anybody.]

JA: Man, who the hell did this?

AA: I don't know, maybe Niles really did see the footage earlier.

JA: Superfriends here don't just get knocked out easily. Someone must've jumped them.

AA: They probably don't even know who did it.

JA: Hold on... you smell that?

AA: Smell what?

JA: That's evil in the air.

AA: No, that was me. Provolone gives me gas.

JA: Oh...

AA: So what do you wanna do?

JA: I've got an idea.

[Johnny rears back and kicks Hardbody right in the gut. AA follows suit on Alt and the chickenshit heels put the boots to the unconscious Superfriends. AA slaps Alt in the face.]

AA: Yeah, take that bitches!

JA: Nobody throws us into plate glass windows and beats us with rubber chickens!

[AA and JA grab the Superfriends' bikes and ride off together, stopping to steal a pitcher of lemonade before they leave.]

AA: You think they'll think it was us that laid them out?

JA: I think it'll work...

[fade to black]

[mooseheadjack]

*The Superfriends are sitting in front of the concession stand, holding icepacks to their heads*

CA: Niles Anderson thinks he's so clever... that bastard... holy geez, wait'll I get my hands on him.

HH: It'll have to be in a non-title match after I beat him for the championship. Best friends or not, I'm winning this best of seven series.

CA: We'll see about that. And I may not even wait for a sanctioned match. Heaven help that fool if I happen to catch him.

HH: Forget him, I wanna get my hands on Adrenaline and Adjuster. Those little weasels kicked us while we were down and stole our bikes! Those bikes were gifts from our adoring fans at the Make-A-Wish foundation!

CA: We stole those bikes from that dying kid and his brother when he flatlined, Hardbody. That's hardly a "gift".

HH: Nonsense. I firmly believe that he wanted us to have them. And either way, I want our bikes back.

CA: Well, we're in no condition at the moment to do it ourselves. Any ideas?

*HH and CA spot movement across the arena. HH breaks out into a grin*

HH: Yeah. I got an idea. *shouting* Hey, you!! Jealous dude!! Come here!!

*Mr. Jealous slowly saunters up to the Superfriends*

MJ: What do you want?

HH: Hey, you've been here for a little while... you know who Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster are?

MJ: Yeah. What of them?

HH: They stole our bikes.

MJ: So what?

HH: Well, as they were walking off, I distinctly heard them saying how much better OUR bikes were then YOUR bike. And I think that's utter crap, your bike is WAY better than ours.

MJ: *quivering with fury* Oh, they said that, did they?

HH: Yeah. And they were afraid I was going to tell you, so they told me that when you went after them they were going to try to manipulate you into attacking us, instead. And while you were busy going back and forth between us, Niles Anderson is going to try to take your woman on a date.

MJ: MY WOMAN? NILES ANDERSON?

HH: Uh huh.

MJ *grabs HH by the throat, slams him against the wall*: She's my woman. I'll kill him. I'll kill all three of them.

*MJ drops HH and stalks off*

CA: And don't forget to bring back our bikes!!

HH *speaking in a low voice*: That guy is insane.

CA: You know, using somebody as a tool for our own agenda is kind of a heel move.

HH: They jumped us and stole our bikes. They crossed a line, Chris. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides, just because we're the bouncing babyfaces doesn't mean we have to play stupid all the time.

CA: Good point. Let's go make some lemonade and see if Drink and Destroy and Underdawg want to have a farting contest.

*the Superfriends high five and the scene fades to black*

[mooseheadjack]

*Drink & Destroy stop off at a bar downtown and head in for a drink, FF Capslock stopping to notice a 'metal band seeks new guitarist' poster on the door.*

FFC - Hey Stank you should sign up for this?

Stank - Wha? Are you kidding? I told you I only know one song.

FFC - Oh yeah that's right. Let's not reprise the Bon Jovi shall we?

*Stank walks up to the bar and grabs two mugs of beer. He goes to the booth where FFC is staring intently at a pretty young woman.*

Stank - Down boy! You're going to stare a hole right through her.

FFC - I... know that chick.

Stank - Really? Who is... *bzzzt* *bzzzt*... hang on let me see who this is.

FFC - I'll be right back.

*FF Capslock gets up and heads over to the young lady. Stank answers his cell.*

Stank - Hello... who... How'd you get this number... Number 5 again? I've got to change my num... No, he's busy... No I don't want to participate in a farting contest... really huh... yeah well YOUR MOMMA!

*FFC returns to the booth as Stank ends the call*

FFC - Who was on the phone?

Stank - I don't know? Canadian Bulldog maybe. So who's the honey?

FFC - Remember that chick that hung out with Firechild? That's her... that's Cindy.

Stank - Reeeally?

FFC - Yup.

Stank - So what did you two talk about?

FFC - I told her to give her guys a warning... that we're here to drink... and they KNOW what comes next.

Stank - That's it? A little clever play on our name and they're supposed to... what? Cower in fear then give us our titles back?

FFC - You know sarcasm looks about as good on you as those shoes you're wearing.

Stank - What's wrong with my shoes? They're Converse...they're classics.

FFC - Nevermind that... We're gonna follow Cindy to wherever those punks are hiding... then we do what we do best.

Stank - Wreck shop.

FFC - You damn skippy hippy.

Stank - What did you say?

FFC - Too much, huh?

Stank - Yeah, just a tad.

*Drink and Destroy finish their beers and watch Cindy walk out. They get up and follow her.*

ads

[mooseheadjack]

Beast is hanging out with a D List rock band. Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster walk by.

B: Hey, lackeys. Come over here! Are you guys doing anything for Niles?

AA: Well, we’re working on a promo about drunk monkeys.

B: Whatever…I need you guys to send a message to Phil. Make sure he knows he’s a loser because I have the only IParrot in the universe.

AA: Why can’t you do it?

B: Because I’m hanging out with this up-and-coming band. I want them to change their name to SHIT-DICK!

The camera fades out, then fades back in as JA and AA find Phil pacing back and forth in a random hallway.

AA: Hey Phil, what’s it feel like to be a loser?

JA: Yeah, you lost to Beast at the PPV and you don’t have an IParrot.

AA: How does it feel to never (AA starts unzipping his jacket, exposing his chest)…be able…to touch…this…IParrot…again! Pretty depressing, huh? You feel like a loser now, pirate zombie-dude?

JA: Dude, that doesn’t do anything for me.

AA: Worked Monday night…don’t know what the problem is, but you’re right. Hey, SFJ #9, come over here for a second, will you?

SFJ#9: Am I on TV? Hi mom!

AA: Would you mind unzipping you jacket, slowly and seductively, so we can admire your breasts?

SFJ#9: Sure! Like this? (And she does it well…)

AA/JA/Phil/Cameraman/Ninja Cameraman/20 random bystanders: Nice...

AA: Thanks, SFJ#9. We’ll catch up to you later.

JA: Now where were we?

AA: Well, we have to get to the “Go to hell” line.

JA: Gotcha. Go to hell, Phil!

Phil: Oh, I’ll be going to hell. And tell your buddy Beast that he’ll be going to hell with me!

AA/JA make expressions of mock terror.

Cameraman: Cut! That's a wrap!

AA: OK, that ought to do it. Good job, Phil.

Phil: Thanks, AA. I really admire your work. I always wanted to cut a promo with you two.

JA: You’re pretty cool, too. I dig the telescopic jet-pack thing you got there.

AA: Well, our job here is done. Phil, you want to go grab a sandwich with Johnny and I? We’ve had a pretty eventful day cutting promos on Alt and Hardbody plus Endo and Morte. Promoing Isn’t Easy!

Phil: Brains on Rye? WHOO!!!!!!

[mooseheadjack]

Mr Jealous was driving about frantkly
trying to find Johnny Adrenaline ,Attitude Adjuster & NILES ANDERSON,
but he drives by & see the bike The Superfriends where talking about,

(MJ is in a pissed off mood)
MJ: their bikes are s**t,they belong in a f**king junk yard, F**king Bastards

Mj looks in the morror & see his sledge hammer & starts to get the glare in his eye's

(MJ grits his teeth)
MJ: my bike is the f**king best & shes MY girl no one can have her (starts to breath heavely)

Mj graps the sledge hammer & starts to distroy the bikes & starts to shout

MJ:F**k all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mooseheadjack]

**Eric O’ Mac and L.D. Williams are looking at the Midweek Mayhem card.**

EOM: “Not that I mind getting a title shot, but a little consistency would be nice. I mean, one week we’re with Moose and ‘Crete against Niles and his idiots, I’m fighting off this new stable the next, and now I’m back in the IC title hunt. I mean what gives?”

LD: “Welcome to life as a utility player.”

EOM: “Come again?”

LD: “Every roster needs a few guys that can be plugged in anywhere. Guys that can throw out a promo and put on a great match with anyone. That’s us.”

EOM: “Yeah, but it’d be nice to have a little direction, make a real run at a belt.”

LD: “Trust me, it’s over-rated. Focus too much on one goal, and you end up like Johnny. He’s lost the IC title, has no chance of getting it back, and now he’s reduced to drunken monkey promos and hiding behind Niles, of all people”

EOM: “And the upside to this utility player thing?”

LD: “In the short-term, you get to kick everyone’s tail. In the long term, you build a record of victories over everyone. It’s an indirect route, but once you get to the top, you’ll have the record – and the experience – to stay there. Better that than becoming the Flavor of the Month then fading away like certain golf enthusiasts we know.”

EOM: “So that’s why you backed Johnny rather that going after the title.”

LD: “Exactly.”

[mooseheadjack]

*Cindy is WALKING~! to a hotel, oblivious to the two LARGE men who have been tailing her since she left the bar downtown - because they are just THAT inconspicuous. Cindy enters the lobby and retrieves her key from the desk clerk. Drink & Destroy follow Cindy to the elevator then watch the numbers light up, one at a time, until it stops at the top floor - #18.*

FFC - Figures they'd be on the top floor. They probably have a penthouse suite.

Stank - Always partying...let's go crash it!

Bellhop - Excuse me gentlemen. Can I help you?

FFC - Sure thing kid. Can you tell us whose in the penthouse?

Bellhop - I'm sorry sir but that's priviledged information.

Stank - Priviledged you say?

Bellhop - I do say.

FFC - Well how's this for privileged? You tell us whose on the 18th floor then you consider it a PRIVILEDGE we don't beat you to within an inch of your miserable life.

Bellhop - You make a compelling argument but, the truth is I don't know who occupies the suite. All I know is they're loud and rowdy and I SWEAR I hear... spanking going on.

*FFC & Stank give each other a knowing look.*

Stank - That's gotta be them.

FFC - Alright then give us the key.

Bellhop - Excuse me?

Stank - You heard the man... give us the key to get on the 18th floor!

Bellhop - But... they'll fire me!

FFC - Just tell em you got mugged. It won't be far from the truth.

*The bellhop complies and Drink & Destroy enter the elevator, insert the key and press #18 on the panel. As the elevator rises past the 16th floor LOUD metal music can be heard!

The elevator doors open on the 18th floor and Drink & Destroy's ears are assaulted by the raging sounds of Godsmack's Now or Never. FFC and Stank survey the room. It's a MESS!*

Stank - This suite smells WORSE than me.

FFC - You go left. I'll go right.

*Drink & Destroy search the room and adjoining rooms, including the bathroom, the balcony deck, kitchenette and a walk-in closet. Stank and FFC meet at the last room not searched... the upstairs bedroom. Standing just outside the door Drink & Destroy can hear a woman squealing, muffled giggling, definite spanking and what sounds like... braying?

They BUST open the door!*

FFC - You guys are DEAD.... HOLY FUCK!

Stank - Oh... My...

Cindy - AAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEE!

*Drink & Destroy are speechless as they see Cindy in a dominatrix outfit which leave her breasts exposed. She's holding a paddle in one hand an a leash which is tied to a... pony in the other. Penguins are waddling about and a sheep is standing too close to a buck naked Scheme Gene, who is bent over the foot of the bed, holding a... duck.

Gene BOLTS upright, positioning the duck to cover his privates*

Duck - QUACK!

CINDY - GET OUT!

SG - What is the MEANING of THIS?

Stank -

Sheep - Baaaaaa!

FFC -

Cindy - GET OUT! NOW!

Stank - uh, our bad... we'll just... we'll be leaving now.

FFC -

Penguins - squeak squeak squeak

Pony - I swear this is NOT what it looks like!

SG - SHUT UP Pony! No one is talking to you!

Stank - Uh Lock?

FFC -

Stank - Lock, I'm scared.

Duck - QUACK!

FFC - Um... yeah... let's... uh... go.

*Drink and Destroy walk out of the bedroom and calmly shut the door behind them, clearly stunned. They shuffle down the stairs where apparently the music has run it's course. It is dead quiet when a *ding* is heard announcing the arrival of people at the elevator doors. The doors slide open to reveal Ax & Cole.*

Stank - There they are!

*Cole RAPIDLY presses the "Parking floor" button and the doors slide shut SECONDS before Drink & Destroy are upon them.*

FFC - DAMMIT!

Stank - There's a stairwell over here.

FFC - I'm not running down EIGHTEEN flights of stairs! Forget it. They'll be long gone by the time we reach the lobby.

Stank - Well... nothin left to do but to... get a drink at the bar and... catch up to them later.

FFC - ANYTHING to get my mind off of what we saw upstairs.

Stank - Let's not ever speak of that again.


Camera fades

[mooseheadjack]

*Chris Alt and Hardbody Harris are walking down the hall eating fudgesicles. The chocolate is smeared across their faces, but they don’t care, as they’re #1 BEST FRIENDS IN THE OOWF are laughing and living it up in their youthful exuberance.*

HH: No way, dude! MY favorite sphinx is the one in Egypt, too!

CA: Wow! We have so much in common-we’re almost the same! Okay, what about this one: would you rather have a million dollars or be stabbed by a thousand bees?

HH: That’s a tough one, but…I’ll go with the bees. Wait, no—the million dollars!

CA: Me too!

HH: AWESOME!

*They high five and finish their fudgesicles with goofy smiles on their faces, but after a second that smile turns upside down into a frown-shaped expression of sadness.*

CA: OUR BIKES!

*The Best Friends Bikes lie crumpled and smashed in the corner, obviously the work of a man with a sledgehammer in a jealous rage.*

HH: This is obviously the work of a man with a sledgehammer in a jealous rage.

CA: Man, I knew you talking to Mr. Jealous was a bad idea. Jealous guys always smash stuff good.

*Hardbody goes up to his bike and tries to ring the bell on the handlebar. It gives off a sad, half-hearted ring.*

HH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Alt walks over and puts his arm on Hardbody’s shoulder. The two share a moment of the deepest empathy and friendship.*

CA: Well, what are we going to do about this?

HH: I don’t know. I just want to ride bikes again. And then punch Adrenaline, Attitude, and Anderson right in the stupid faces.

*At this moment, Hardbody looks down and sees his good buddy Fievel tugging at his kneepad. Of course, he’s adorable.*

HH: Hey, Fievel. What’s the matter?

Fievel: Mr. Hardbody! I was just doing my little mouse thing and running in and out of the arena, when I saw Mr. Adjuster and Mr. Adrenaline leave the bikes here. Right after that, Mr. Jealous smashed them! And now Mr. Adjuster and Mr. Adrenaline went to make fun of Phil. Oh, Mr. Hardbody, why are people so mean in this country?

HH: I don’t know, Fievel. I don’t know. Wait, I know why: they’re wearing black rubber “Heelstrong” bracelets. Thanks.

*Alt and Harris, sans bikes, find Phil in the adjacent hallway. He’s looking dejected, like someone had called him a loser.*

CA: Hey, Phil. You look dejected. Did someone call you a loser?

Phil: (sadly) Yar. Adrenaline and Attitude be giving me flak for not having me iParrot anymore. ‘Tis a despicable thing to do.

HH: I agree. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something, Phil.

Phil: What be on yer mind, matey?

HH: Isn’t Beast’s mom just a freak in bed? Doesn’t she have some strong thighs?

Phil: Indeed. I’d have been long squeezed into Davy Jones’ lockers by her uncanny strength ifn’t I hadn’t used me magical ninja escapin’ powers. She be having the strength of 1,000 space sea monsters.
CA: Space sea monsters?

Phil: Yar. You ain’t never tackled with a creature until you be messin’ with a space sea monster. They be a mighty foe, even for me.

HH and CA: Oh, suuure.

Phil: Don’t be doubting me, Mateys. They be existin. I be havin’ photos of the fiend in me old iParrot, but they are lost forever. (sighs.) Yar.

CA: Well, maybe we can all help each other. We need to get to Niles, and the wrestling by-laws state that we can’t get to him until we dispose of his lackeys. And that means getting rid of Adrenaline, Attitude, and Beast. You in?

Phil: I ain’t sure I can be trustin the likes of you.

HH: Well, we drink lemonade out of skulls. I need a couple hollowed out, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Phil: Yar! I be likin’ mates who be given me brains!

HH: Okay. Let’s go over to my SUPERIOR WRESTLER trophy. We can talk safely up there.

*The three start walking away, and you can hear Phil as screen fades to black.*

Phil: The sphinx in Egypt be a mighty figure, but the Sphinx deep in the Andromeda Galaxy be havin’ a frozen yogurt stand.

[mooseheadjack]

Tonight the Wizard will have his gold! Tonight your nightmares converge!

Microplay: the new OOWF champion!

[mooseheadjack]

*Canadian Dragon is pearched on a ladder. Across from his is Fievel on another ladder.*

F: "Boy Mr. Dragon, it sure is high up here. But it's not as safe as the place we use to hang out at!"

CD: "OK Fievel, you really got to lay of the cheese. I you're hanging out with the number one face in the OOWF, your good friends with the OOWF's premier risk taker, and I'm pretty sure Attitude Adjuster is scared to death of you. It's time to step up the promo work there little guy."

F: "I don't know, I'm not sure I can handle it."

CD: "Sure you can. I mean you can be like The Evil Wizard and steal my line about nightmares beginning. Or you could be like Phil and take a generic sound associated with your image and run with it. Seriously, I think "squeek" or "cheese please" could be your money line."

F: "I don't know Mr. Dragon, I mean I'm a big fan of tagteams, but I'm not sure I'm big enough. Is that why you asked me up here Mr. Dragon? To be your tagteam partner?"

CD: "No. You see the OOWF lawyers think that the Sexy Female Journalists Union may come after me if I keep tossing them off of ladders. So I need you hear to talk with Sexy Female Journalists #45."

F: "But isn't she afraid of mice? I asked her where Hardbody was once and she did an impersonation of The Beast! It was good, but Mr. Beast makes a much bigger hole."

CD: "Yes Fievel, The Beast is a big hole all right. But don't worry, see once #45 ask me about my match at the PPV with Cap, do your impersonation of The Beast. Ok little buddy?"

*Just then Fievel hides under a coffee cup as Sexy Female Journalist # 45 climbs the ladder.*

SFJ#45: "Now remember, you promised not to through me off the ladder."

CD: "I know. Freaking union lawyers."

SFJ#45: "So how do you feel about losing to Capellan at the PayPerView?"

*As the words leave her mouth FIEVEL POPS OUT of the coffe cup! SFJ#45 screma and leaps from the ladder going crashing through a conviently placed stack of boxes.*

F: "Oh my...she's not hurt is she."

CD: "Nah...she landed on her air bags."

*The camera fades to black as Fievel looks confused.*

[mooseheadjack]

wCw is in their locker room, watching the pre-show promos....

:Tonight the Wizard will have his gold! Tonight your nightmares converge!

Microplay: the new OOWF champion!

Wilder - Huh - looks like the Big Wiz forgot about our match with his meat puppets Murder and Styner...

Westgaard - Not necessarily a bad thing kid.

TW - How do you figure?

Westgaard - He overlooks us, we got the advantage. These are the two biggest guys we've faced so far, and we don't need Gandalf getting involved.

Cap - At least that's something I don't have to worry about - - -

Westgaard - Yep. But with the 3 Pieces of Shit holding both the Tag Team and the Onslaught belts, you best not let your guard down.

Cap - Yah Bro, you're right. They're right up there with the Devils Brigarde on the psycho scale.

JWW - Especially Firechild. And he knows you are coming after the belt, and should get a shot at it soon. He'd like nothing better than to put you back on the shelf again.

Now Tommy and I aren't as big a part of the tag title picture - yet. So we can still get in under thier radar - maybe we'll get their attention when to take out Murder and Styner tonight.

TW - You want we should get people's attention Birdman? Yeah, I think we can do that....

JWW - Kid, you got that look in your eye again - that look that got me to jump off a freaking bridge....

TW - Yep! Timed to get psyched up! JW, you tell me the BEST part of this is entertaining the crowd - I think we need to give them a Holy Shit Moment!

JWW - Meaning?

TW - <Big Grin> How high is the ceiling on this arena?

JWW - <Shakes his head> Here we go again.... Do me a favor kid - what ever you got planned, make it count, OK?

CAP - Hey, I almost forgot - Afterward, we can rent a helecopter, fly up to one of those gnarly snow caps and a do a drop-in ski run I hear there is a spot with a 50 foot drop and a 60 degree incline not far from here....

TW - Cool! Birdman, you GOTTA go with us!

JWW - Geeeze....... Isn't dealing with the rest of the OOWF hazerdous ENOUGH for you guys?

<TW and CAP look at each other, then shrug>

NOPE!

[mooseheadjack]

Mention not to me the name of Gandalf! His do-gooding ways bring the name of wizards everywhere into disprepute. Now Saruman - there was a Wizard for you, like me, he was EVIL.

You are not worth worrying over. Styner alone could destroy you with one bealch from his foulsome gut.