Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 18:21:07 GMT -5
Written by TarHeelMike
TV MA – DSLVNBWPQTX
[Shot pans into a crowded ballroom at some undisclosed location in Dayton, Ohio. We get a few shots of various OOWF superstars sitting at the tables and enjoying themselves: OOWF World Champion Niles Anderson, flanked by Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline At another table, Donovan Viper and the Devil's Brigade, all looking spiffy in their all black tuxedos. 3 Piece Set and their groupies are sipping wine at their table. Canadian Dragon, still wearing his mask, is at the same table with L.D. Williams, discussing the Canadian Parliament. Hardbody Harris is wearing a white tux, and even Fievel is dressed up tonight In fact, everybody is dressed up for tonight, for tonight is the first ever OOWF Awards Presentation.]
PA Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen... Mr. Rick Scaia.
[The Rick walks onto the stage, dressed way down for the occasion, jeans, T-shirt, and New York Yankees hat. The crowd looks at him in confusion.]
The Rick: What? This General Manager gig don't pay damn near enough to come out here in a tuxedo!
Wally B. King: Hey, I think I've been payin' ya real good.
The Rick: Hookers don't pay the bills, Wally.
Donovan Viper: Believe me, I know that.
Uncle Entity: Oh, so male hookers don't pay the bills either?
DV: Damn it, I AM NOT...
The Rick: We know, we know, Donnie. You're not a homo. If you say so. Back to my point... Welcome to the first ever OOWF Awards Presentation, though we're not really presenting anything. This is just in recognition of the fine work you guys have put in over the past year. I'm your host, your master of ceremonies your general manager, and hell, your boss: The Rick. And again, don't expect me to be up here cracking jokes all night. If I'm gonna crack jokes, I'm gonna do it on the website that pays me nilch rather than some wrestling company that pays me nilch.
[Camera pans to an OnlineOnslaught.com banner hanging on the back wall. AND THE BEAST POPS OUT! Beast attacks Phil from behind and they tussle right there in the middle of the ballroom. Wine glasses get shattered and it's a pull apart brawl! Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster try to pry Beast away as UnderDawg grabs ahold of Phil, and OOWF officials take Beast and Phil away.]
The Rick: Damn it, we're not supposed to be advancing angles here. Let's just get this show on the road. I've got Broads to call and beer to drink. I ain't drinkin' none of this sissy wine. Speaking of which, let me introduce our first presenter, Mr. Randall K. Orton.
[HEY! Nothin' you can SAY! And Randy Orton walks onto the stage with the usual smug look on his face, gets to the podium and does his "douchebag pose." The crowd boos heinously.]
Randy Orton: It's great to be here tonight, especially knowing that more people are probably watching me now than when I perform on Friday nights.
Attitude Adjuster: You wrestle on Tuesday nights you idiot.
RKO: Yeah, well I... uh... well, you know what I mean. We tape the show on Tuesday, but...
Johnny Adrenaline: We're not marks, dude. We all read the internet "dirtsheets." Before Chris Masters got his push, you were our least favorite wrestler.
[Orton cries.]
The Rick: Randy, come on, man. Start what you finished so we can get going.
RKO: [wipes his tears] Oh yeah, right. Anyway, while nothing quite matches my legends of killing, there were plenty of great angles that played out in the OOWF this year. We've got to decide on but one to crown as Angle of the Year. Here are the nominees...
RKO: And the winner is... [Orton tries opening the envelope but can't seem to get it. Another try, and Randy is obviously flustered. Finally, on the third try, he gets it.] ...Concrete and Moose!
[Concrete and Moose make their way up on stage, Concrete carrying his half of the World Tag Team Title belts, and Moose still selling his injuries from his abduction and assault two weeks ago.]
Concrete TG: It's so...
RKO: Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. [turns to Moose] So you're the famous Moosehead Jack, huh? The legendary "Trust Me" guy, huh?
Moosehead Jack: Don't even think about it, Orton.
RKO: Think about what? I just wanted to say...
[Orton goes for the RKO OUT OF NOWHERE on CTG, but Concrete shoves him off, right into a HEART PUNCH from MHJ, and Concrete finishes Orton off with a CEMENT MIXER right there on the stage. Officials drag Orton off the stage.]
MHJ: We don't have to give a speech now, do we?
CTG: Why of course, Citizen Jack. We would just like to thank the fans for supporting us in our long journey of self-enlightenment. We've fought against one another, we've fought alongside one another, and now here we are, the NEW OOWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS~!
MHJ: [walking away] That was easy...
CTG: BEEEEEYOTCH!
[Moose and Concrete leave the stage and we go to a commercial break.]
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The Rick: I've been waiting for that son of a bitch to get put on his ass like that for a long time. Thanks guys. Moving right along...
[Before The Rick can finish his thought, Beast and Phil spill back out into the ballroom. Phil takes a bite of a nacho, then tosses the plate onto Beast. Beast no-sells the hot cheese, however, and spears Phil down. Officials haul them away again.]
The Rick: Damn it, cut that shit out! Anyway, it's time to present the award for Catchphrase of the Year, and who knows more about catchphrases than our next presenter...?
[IF YA SMELLLLL... what The Rock... is cookin! The Rock's tattoo comes out to the podium, followed soon after by The Rock himself.]
The Rock: FINALLY... The Rock... HAS COME BACK... to... to... [whispers to The Rick] Where are we at again?
The Rick: [whispers back] Dayton.
The Rock: DAY-TON-A! Ha!
[The Rock waits for some heel heat, but the crowd is awkwardly silent.]
Black Dragon: Man, that cheap heat shit ain't gonna work on us. Outside of Rick there, I don't think any of us are even FROM Dayton.
The Rock: Huh?
Chris Alt: Ya see Rock, the only reason we're here is because the boss there wanted to hold our big pay per view here in his hometown, and I'm sure he could give a shit what you call the town. As far as we go, Westgaard over there... he's from Minnesota. Capslock is from Fresno...
The Rock: Sorry bout that, man.
CA: ...Phil's from... well, somewhere that's NOT Dayton. Reynolds is from somewhere in England or something. And Canadian Dragon? Well, there's a reason he's called "Canadian" Dragon.
Hardbody Harris: And I'm from THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA~!
CA: Exactly.
The Rock: Well, piss on this then. Ya'll are no fun. Let's get to these nominees...
The Rock: [in disbelief] That's it? That's all you got? The Rock could shit better catchphrases than that.
The Rick: Come on, Rock.
The Rock: Yeah, yeah. And the winner is...
[Ric Flair hops up on stage like a crazed madman before the Rock can announce the winner.]
Ric Flair: You want a catchphrase? I got a catchphrase for ya: WHOO! WHOO! WHOOOOOOOOOO!
The Rock: Get this insane old man away from The Rock.
The Rick: Ric, you weren't even...
Ric Flair: Weren't even what? Big daddy, I'm a kiss stealin, wheelin dealin, Lear jet flyin, limousine ridin, SON OF A BITCH! And damn it, I want a trophy!
The Rock: They ain't givin out trophies, you senile sumbitch!
Attitude Adjuster: Yeah, and even if they did, they'd just get broken.
Johnny Adrenaline: Timber.....
[Hardbody Harris, Chris Alt, and Fievel turns and glare at the Chickenshit Heels, but restrain themselves.]
The Rick: But you won the award for Best Non-Playable Character, Ric.
Ric Flair: What the hell is that?
The Rick: It means you're the most popular guy in the federation that isn't an active wrestler. We were gonna award it to you at the afterparty.
Ric Flair: Afterparty? You want an afterparty? It ain't no afterparty without the NATURE BOY! WHOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOO! [in The Rock's face] WHOO! [Flair yanks off his jacket and does a dancing strut on stage, then leaves.]
The Rock: Yeah, get your monkey ass on outta here. ... Anyway, the winner is... Trust Me, Moosehead Jack. Good, the Rock's got a plane to catch.
[The Rock storms off as Moose makes his way up to the stage for the second time already tonight. MHJ gets to the podium.]
MHJ: I guess I have to say something, right?
[The lights in the ballroom go out and a single light bulb descends from the ceiling and hangs right over Jack's head.]
MHJ: That's more like it. Ya see, "Trust Me" is more than just a catchphrase. "Trust Me" is a religion. It's being so confident in yourself and your ways that when you say you're gonna do something, it's not just words. It's not a prediction. It's not a guess. It's not a prognostication. It's a fact. Niles Anderson, that's something you will find out first hand... soon. Trust me.
[Moose reaches up and grabs the light bulb and breaks it with his hand. With no light in the ballroom, this would be a nice time for a commercial break.]
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The Rick: [with the lights back on] Moose, didn't I say no advancing angles at the ceremony??
Niles Anderson: I think you should suspend his ass, Rick!
The Rick: And I don't need your opinion on the matter, Anderson. I don't care if you ARE the World Champion.
[Suddenly, Tommy Wilder pops out from behind the curtain and STREAKS ACROSS THE STAGE!]
J.W. Westgaard: I told you he'd do it!
Capellan: [hands over fifty dollars] Damn it, that's cabfare for at least a week.
Donovan Viper: Do it again!
The Rick: I don't need anybody encouraging that kind of behavior. Especially you, Viper! Tommy, put some clothes on! While you do that, we'll present the award for Finisher of the Year. And here to present that...
[TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! And it's Triple H who comes out on stage. He does his spit take at the podium, and people immediately begin filing out to the concession stands and/or the bathroom. The lights dim and a spotlight focuses on Triple H at the podium.]
HHH: Ya know... a finishing move is a special thing. It's a dangerous thing. It's a maneuver so brutal, so devastating, so lethal that it ends your opponent every single time....
HHH: Will you guys get outta here. I'm trying to present an award.
[Phil grabs Beast and tosses him backstage and follows himself.]
HHH: A finishing move can be the difference between an ordinary career and a career like mine. Ya see, the Pedigree...
[With no sign of closure to Triple H's rambling, we cut to a commercial.]
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HHH: [still talking] Austin, Rock, Undertaker, Mick Foley, Chris Jericho... Benoit, Steiner, Shawn Michaels, they have ALL fallen victim to the Pedigree. Van Dam, Goldberg, Batista, Orton...
[The video package for the nominees cuts off Triple H: Beast's Big Monster Hammer Club O'Death, GatorBait's Chomp, and Hardbody Harris' To Be Edited in Later.]
HHH: ...Ahmed Johnson, Goldust, Marc Mero, the list could go on forever...
The Rick: Trips, come on.
HHH: Oh yeah, anyway, the winner is... I think this is an upset: The Chomp by GatorBait!
[Camera pans to a surprised Hardbody Harris, then hits GatorBait, who is being congratulated by his tag team partner Outback Jack and manager Wally B. King. GB makes his way to the stage.]
GatorBait: Wow, I don't know what to say. Just being presented this award by you, Triple H, is such an honor. I mean I...
[CHOMP~! Helmsley is dead. Officials drag his carcass off the stage. Crowd goes crazy.]
GB: I'd just like to thank the fans. Outback Jack, you're the best tag team partner a guy could have. Wally, not only are you a fabulous manager, but you're a helluva pimp daddy. Oh, and to the Red Stripe guy. Hooray beer, indeed. And I know this might step over the "no advancing angles" boundary, but this Sunday, no offense to either Concrete or Moose, but those World Tag Team Titles are coming Down Under. But I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know. Thank you.
[Still picture of UnderDawg sitting up in the ring appears on the screen: Best Use of Rhyme.]
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[Still picture of the "Smark Foundation" appears on the screen: Most Likely to be Sued for Gimmick Infringement.]
The Rick: Is this thing over yet? [pulls out his flask and takes a swig] What's next? [looks at cue card] Well, it just so happens that the guy that was supposed to present this next award bailed on me last minute. I mean, he called me from Cincinnati earlier and said he was on his way, but he still no-showed. I'm glad I don't employ slackers like that in my federation. Anyway, I guess I'll just have to present the award for Promo of the Year.
[On that note, Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster leave their table and hit the stage.]
Attitude Adjuster: Did you just say "promo" of the year?
Johnny Adrenaline: We got this, Rick. You can go sit and have a drink.
The Rick: Well, fine. But don't expect anything in return for this.
JA: Not even...
The Rick: No!
AA: Well, if anybody knows about cutting promos, it's us! So let's just skip the nominees and present the award to ourselves...
JA: Actually, we weren't even nominated.
AA: What?
JA: No. I think we were like division killers or something, and if we WERE nominated, we'd win in a landslide, so we were excluded to give everyone a chance. I mean, our promos are more than just an interview or a skit... they're EVENTS!
AA: Yeah, they should come with popcorn or something. Speaking of which, it says here that "Popcorn and Porn" finished second to the "Parking Lot Free for All" in the comedic promo of the year.
JA: Oh well, here's the nominees for Promo of the Year...
JA: And the winner is…
AA: Not us?
JA: Nope. “Dangerous” Donovan Viper, ladies and gentlemen! And I shall also add, that Mr. Viper has also won Heel of the Year, as well. No offense, Niles.
[Viper gets some manly love from his Devil’s Brigade cohorts and walks up on stage. Viper stares down AA, and Johnny offers a friendly handshake. Viper looks at Adrenaline and cautiously obliges with a brief shake. JA and AA leave the podium for Viper.]
Crowd: Ho-mo… ho-mo… ho-mo. [Viper looks over the crowd with a snarl on his face.]
The Rick: Speaking of which, Donnie Viper, you've also won Gimmick of the Year for portraying the homosexual, bisexual, whatever the hell you are, crazed evil wrestler.
Crowd: HO-MO... HO-MO... HO-MO!
DV: Damn it, for the last time, I AM NOT A HOMO! I think I’ve proved that over and over again. I’ll prove it this Sunday at Hell on Earth after I slaughter Mark Vander and claim Missy as my own. And I’ll prove it when I reclaim MY World Fucking Title from whoever walks out champion this Sunday, be it from… [pointing fingers] …you, Niles Anderson, you, Chris Alt, or especially YOU, Hardbody Harris. As far these stupid awards go, I don’t give a damn!
[Viper angrily leaves the podium to an awkward ovation and we head for another commercial break, but right before we cut to the break, Beast and Phil emerge out of the side section of seats, and Beast is beating on Phil with a large oil barrel. The audience scatters as officials pull them away yet again.]
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The Rick: All right, we're over halfway home. Just a reminder, there are just a few tickets left to Hell on Earth this Sunday. And if you can't make the show, check it on out pay-per-view, or do like I do, and go down to Hooters to watch it.
BlackDragon: Hooters? Count me in.
Chris Alt: Me too. Do they serve popcorn there?
Hardbody Harris: Do they show gay porn there?
The Rick: Damn it, you guys are gonna be wrestling at the pay per view, so shut the hell up. Next up is...
[The Rick is cut off by Microplay and the Evil Wizard, who make their way onto the stage.]
The Evil Wizard: Doth you have no intelligence? For Microplay and myself are presenting the following award.
Microplay: The award for the biggest piece of garbage in the entire federation, also known as Babyface of the Year. The nominees are three guys who I probably have beat around on more than one occasion, having been the FIRST EVER OOWF World Heavyweight Champion.
TEW: And he shall be again...
Microplay: And this Sunday, in the Legends Match, I'm gonna...
[UnderDawg cuts him off mid-sentence and hops on stage.]
UnderDawg: You're gonna do what?
TEW: He will desecrate the name of...
UnderDawg: I asked him, not you, Merlin.
Microplay: I'm gonna do the same thing I did to you in the Triple Threat Inferno Casket Match... I'm gonna send you straight to hell.
UnderDawg: [spits] Well, hell's a mighty long trip, so you might wanna start now.
[UD drops MP with a dogbone. Wizard reaches into his hat and begins casting a spell, but UD kicks the hat, and powder goes into the Wizard's eyes. The heels leave, and UD takes over the podium...]
UD: The nominees for Babyface of the Year are...
UD: And the winner is... surprise, surprise... Hardbody Harris.
[The crowd goes crazy as Hardbody makes his way to the stage. A friendly handshake with UD and Harris takes the mic.]
Hardbody Harris: I told you guys all along that I was THE #1 FACE IN THE OOWF~! And now my claim has been validated! So many people to thank. Chris, you're my best friend and I've told you all my secrets and you mean so much to me. I wouldn't be here without you, buddy. Sexy Female Journalist, the original, I'm sorry we didn't work out, but I just want you to know that I think about you a lot and maybe someday down the road things will change. I'll never forget that thing you did that one time, you know the one. Donnie Viper, pal, I don't roll like that, but if I did, you'd be the first guy on my list. [sarcastic wink in Viper's direction] Rick Moranis, Lee Greenwood, I'm sure there are others, but I'd be here all night. But I do have one other fellow to thank: Fievel, little buddy, we've been thru everything, and look at us: we're still standing. And after Hell on Earth, we'll be standing as OOWF World Heavyweight Champion.
[Niles Anderson strolls up on stage with his title belt and gets right in Hardbody's face. Feel the electricity on the air.]
Niles Anderson: So you're gonna be the World Champion, huh? You're gonna take this from me?
HH: Um... yeah, I am.
NA: What makes you so sure about that?
HH: Didn't you hear the song the other day? The good guy always walks out of the big pay per view as champion.
NA: Oh really? Well, the last time I checked, The Rick stacked the deck against me, and I'm facing TWO good guys on Sunday. Sounds to me like you got a 50/50 chance going by your own stupid logic.
HH: Well, if Chris wins, fine. We're friends. Best friends, I'd be happy for him. As long as you're not champion after Hell on Earth, I'll be happy.
NA: Don't count on it, asshole.
[Intense staredown on stage between Harris and Anderson. Suddenly, the crowd in the upper balcony begins to stir. Beast and Phil appear up there still fighting. Phil dumps a thing of popcorn on Beast. Beast retaliates with a wine bottle across the head. They struggle some more, and suddenly, Shawn Michaels appears on the balcony with them. HBK lines up some Sweet Chin Music and pastes Beast with it, but both guys go tumbling over the rail and fall 25 feet or so to the floor.]
Shawn Michaels: Ouch.
[Then from out of nowhere, Marty Janetty jumps Michaels from behind and tosses him thru the stained glass window in the balcony wall.]
Marty Janetty: Payback's a bitch, Shawn.
Shawn Michaels: You think I'm selling this, man? It's like 13 years late. Now get back to jail before the guards realize you're gone. [Marty leaves.]
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The Rick: Damn it, enough with the promos. Enough with the brawling. We're running behind already. Can we just present a damn award without any interruptions? Now, for the next award, let me bring out our next presenter...
[Ken Kennedy makes his way to the podium.]
Ken Kennedy: The following contest is scheduledforonefall with a twenty minute time limit...
The Rick: No, Ken. This isn't a match. It's Match of the Year.
KK: Well, in that case, let's see the nominees...
KK: I think it would be better if I did this. First we have, Beast... Beast vs. Hardbody Harris... Harris, in The Final Match, Chris Alt... Alt vs. Niles Anderson... Anderson in the Ambulance match, UnderDawg... Dawg vs. Capellan... Capellan from Midweek Mayhem, Canadian Dragon... Dragon vs. UnderDawg... Dawg in the Ultimate Hell match... and Microplay... Play vs. Donovan Viper... Viper vs. UnderDawg... Dawg in the Triple Threat Inferno Casket Match. And thewinnerofthisaward IS... MISTER KENNEDY!!!
The Rick: Look, Ken, I like you and all, but you didn't win anything. Now announce the...
KK: KENNEDY!
[The Rick grabs the envelope and opens it.]
The Rick: Canadian Dragon vs. UnderDawg in Ultimate Hell. Thanks for the time, Ken.
[Canadian Dragon hits the stage in a hurry and takes the podium.]
Canadian Dragon: I did it! Match of the Year! I told all of you morons from the beginning that I was the premier technical wrestler in the OOWF, and this award proves it.
UnderDawg: [from his table] What's that make me, then?
Chris Cole: A cranky old mutt! Now shut the hell up!
CD: Thanks to well, me. Trish Stratus for being my inspiration. And to all of Canada that's made me the hero I am today. Thank you very much.
The Rick: [retakes the podium] Okay, no ad break yet. Since we don't have a diversion, let's keep going. We have an award for Breakthrough...
[Almost on cue, THE BEAST POPS OUT of the podium, and he and Phil brawl some more on the stage. YARPLEX on the stage.]
The Rick: Damn it, I've got an award to present. You wanna handle the presenting duties?
Beast and Phil: [look at each other] Sure.
The Rick: Here, do it.
Beast: This next award is the Breakthrough Wrestler of the Year, I guess the newcomer who's made the most impact in the last six months.
Phil: Aye, it's got to be me, mateys!
Beast: Your fatass isn't even nominated, shit dick!
Phil: Well, the nominees YAR!...
Beast: And the winner of this award is... [reads envelope] huh?
Phil: It be a tie, matey! Firechild and Capellan!
[With the award out of the way, Beast and Phil begin brawling again, and they fall off the stage. Local indy workers, I mean, police officers actually come down and handcuff both guys and take them away. Firechild and Capellan take the podium together, carefully eyeing each other.]
Firechild: Chris, Ax, you're my boys. You got me here. The rest of you clowns can kiss my ass. Except you Cap. Congratulations.
Capellan: Oh sure, that was sincere. Thanks to my teammates J.W. and Tommy, even if you cost me fifty bucks earlier. UnderDawg, thanks for showing me the ropes. Everybody else, you guys are great, even if you kick the crap out of me every now and then.
FC: Come on, man. That attitude's never gonna get you anywhere. Especially not this Sunday. Onslaught Title. You don't have a chance.
Cap: Well, we'll see what happens. Don't count your chickens before they hatch.
[Thim Reynolds makes his way on stage.]
Thim Reynolds: You two are bloody hilarious. Arguing like a couple of girls. Besides, I'M walking out of Hell on Earth as Onslaught Champion.
[Capellan, Firechild, Reynolds stare each other down and leave without incident. We head to a commercial.]
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The Rick: Two more awards then I can drink freely. [takes another swig from the flask] Let's see, up next Tag Team of the Year. And here to present that award is... is... oh, who gives a shit anymore. There was a reason for the translator award a minute ago, but damned if I remember it.
[Taka and Funaki make their way to the podium. Taka begins talking in Japanese, but the mic is dead. The PA announcer kicks in.]
PA Announcer: Fools, just because we are not members of your shitty wrestling federation does not mean we should not qualify for the award of Tag Team of the Year, for we are evil... However, it is our duty to give you the so-called nominees. So without further ado, here they are... [Funaki says something in Japanese, but is also muted] ...INDEED!
PA Announcer: [continuing the translation] 3 Piece Set, Ax-Man and Chris Cole.
[Ax and Cole leave the groupies for the time being and make their way to the stage. Before addressing the crowd, they beat up Kaientai, Cole hits the HEADLINER on Funaki and Ax tosses Taka off the stage.]
Chris Cole: There ya go, right there. Proof, once and for all, that 3 Piece Set is THE premier tag team in the OOWF today, yesterday, and for the rest of eternity.
Ax-Man: Moose, Concrete, that title win was a fluke and you know it. This Sunday, the titles come back home to where they belong. Simple as that.
[3PS keeps it short, probably to Rick's liking, and leaves. Time for our final ad break.]
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The Rick: Well, we've made it. The TV backstage says the Yanks are only in the sixth, so let's finish this up. There's only one award left to present, and it's the big one. No guest presenter here, I'll handle this myself. Wrestler of the Year. The honor in this award is off the charts. It means you have been voted by your peers as the standard bearer in this company. That's a mighty high bar to live up to. The nominees are five guys who have brought their A-game to the table for the past 12 months. Perhaps without these five guys, we're not standing here doing any presentation right now. Here are your nominees for Wrestler of the Year...
The Rick: This is it, folks. The winner of the OOWF Wrestler of the Year award is......... Donovan Viper!
[Crowd boos heinously as Viper stands in victory. Hardbody can't believe it, and neither can Niles. Fans begin pelting the stage with trash as Viper takes the podium to accept the final award of the evening.]
Donovan Viper: What's that tell you, bitches? This is it, right here. It gets no better than what you people see before you standing at this podium. I am the wrestler of the year. The champion of the year. And the champion of next year, as well. My day will come, and it shall come soon. Ladies and gentlemen, good night.
The Rick: Before we close this thing out, there's one more thing we need to do. Hardbody, do you have things ready to go?
Hardbody Harris: Yeah, all ready.
The Rick: Moosehead Jack, would you come up here real quick?
[Moose makes his way on the stage, not quite sure what's going on.]
The Rick: As most of you know ladies and gentlemen, Moose here is our booker. Never mind the quiet, diabolical psycho he portrays every week on Midweek Mayhem. He more or less runs this company and gets paid less than I do to do it. And he's a heck of a guy on top of that. Moose, as a token of my, and every single one of our wrestler's, appreciation, this is for you...
[The curtain pulls back and a huge copy of Hardbody Harris' Superior Wrestler trophy rolls out onto the stage, with "SUPERIOR BOOKER" in huge bold type on the nameplate. Moose turns around and all the guys are breaking character and giving him a standing ovation. The babyfaces come up on stage and shake hands and hug, and a few of the heels do so as well. The heels quietly duck out of the ballroom as the celebration continues on stage as we fade to black.]
[In memory of Semaj B.]
[Get well soon, Antoine.]
[The end.]
TV MA – DSLVNBWPQTX
[Shot pans into a crowded ballroom at some undisclosed location in Dayton, Ohio. We get a few shots of various OOWF superstars sitting at the tables and enjoying themselves: OOWF World Champion Niles Anderson, flanked by Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline At another table, Donovan Viper and the Devil's Brigade, all looking spiffy in their all black tuxedos. 3 Piece Set and their groupies are sipping wine at their table. Canadian Dragon, still wearing his mask, is at the same table with L.D. Williams, discussing the Canadian Parliament. Hardbody Harris is wearing a white tux, and even Fievel is dressed up tonight In fact, everybody is dressed up for tonight, for tonight is the first ever OOWF Awards Presentation.]
PA Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen... Mr. Rick Scaia.
[The Rick walks onto the stage, dressed way down for the occasion, jeans, T-shirt, and New York Yankees hat. The crowd looks at him in confusion.]
The Rick: What? This General Manager gig don't pay damn near enough to come out here in a tuxedo!
Wally B. King: Hey, I think I've been payin' ya real good.
The Rick: Hookers don't pay the bills, Wally.
Donovan Viper: Believe me, I know that.
Uncle Entity: Oh, so male hookers don't pay the bills either?
DV: Damn it, I AM NOT...
The Rick: We know, we know, Donnie. You're not a homo. If you say so. Back to my point... Welcome to the first ever OOWF Awards Presentation, though we're not really presenting anything. This is just in recognition of the fine work you guys have put in over the past year. I'm your host, your master of ceremonies your general manager, and hell, your boss: The Rick. And again, don't expect me to be up here cracking jokes all night. If I'm gonna crack jokes, I'm gonna do it on the website that pays me nilch rather than some wrestling company that pays me nilch.
[Camera pans to an OnlineOnslaught.com banner hanging on the back wall. AND THE BEAST POPS OUT! Beast attacks Phil from behind and they tussle right there in the middle of the ballroom. Wine glasses get shattered and it's a pull apart brawl! Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster try to pry Beast away as UnderDawg grabs ahold of Phil, and OOWF officials take Beast and Phil away.]
The Rick: Damn it, we're not supposed to be advancing angles here. Let's just get this show on the road. I've got Broads to call and beer to drink. I ain't drinkin' none of this sissy wine. Speaking of which, let me introduce our first presenter, Mr. Randall K. Orton.
[HEY! Nothin' you can SAY! And Randy Orton walks onto the stage with the usual smug look on his face, gets to the podium and does his "douchebag pose." The crowd boos heinously.]
Randy Orton: It's great to be here tonight, especially knowing that more people are probably watching me now than when I perform on Friday nights.
Attitude Adjuster: You wrestle on Tuesday nights you idiot.
RKO: Yeah, well I... uh... well, you know what I mean. We tape the show on Tuesday, but...
Johnny Adrenaline: We're not marks, dude. We all read the internet "dirtsheets." Before Chris Masters got his push, you were our least favorite wrestler.
[Orton cries.]
The Rick: Randy, come on, man. Start what you finished so we can get going.
RKO: [wipes his tears] Oh yeah, right. Anyway, while nothing quite matches my legends of killing, there were plenty of great angles that played out in the OOWF this year. We've got to decide on but one to crown as Angle of the Year. Here are the nominees...
RKO: And the winner is... [Orton tries opening the envelope but can't seem to get it. Another try, and Randy is obviously flustered. Finally, on the third try, he gets it.] ...Concrete and Moose!
[Concrete and Moose make their way up on stage, Concrete carrying his half of the World Tag Team Title belts, and Moose still selling his injuries from his abduction and assault two weeks ago.]
Concrete TG: It's so...
RKO: Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. [turns to Moose] So you're the famous Moosehead Jack, huh? The legendary "Trust Me" guy, huh?
Moosehead Jack: Don't even think about it, Orton.
RKO: Think about what? I just wanted to say...
[Orton goes for the RKO OUT OF NOWHERE on CTG, but Concrete shoves him off, right into a HEART PUNCH from MHJ, and Concrete finishes Orton off with a CEMENT MIXER right there on the stage. Officials drag Orton off the stage.]
MHJ: We don't have to give a speech now, do we?
CTG: Why of course, Citizen Jack. We would just like to thank the fans for supporting us in our long journey of self-enlightenment. We've fought against one another, we've fought alongside one another, and now here we are, the NEW OOWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS~!
MHJ: [walking away] That was easy...
CTG: BEEEEEYOTCH!
[Moose and Concrete leave the stage and we go to a commercial break.]
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The Rick: I've been waiting for that son of a bitch to get put on his ass like that for a long time. Thanks guys. Moving right along...
[Before The Rick can finish his thought, Beast and Phil spill back out into the ballroom. Phil takes a bite of a nacho, then tosses the plate onto Beast. Beast no-sells the hot cheese, however, and spears Phil down. Officials haul them away again.]
The Rick: Damn it, cut that shit out! Anyway, it's time to present the award for Catchphrase of the Year, and who knows more about catchphrases than our next presenter...?
[IF YA SMELLLLL... what The Rock... is cookin! The Rock's tattoo comes out to the podium, followed soon after by The Rock himself.]
The Rock: FINALLY... The Rock... HAS COME BACK... to... to... [whispers to The Rick] Where are we at again?
The Rick: [whispers back] Dayton.
The Rock: DAY-TON-A! Ha!
[The Rock waits for some heel heat, but the crowd is awkwardly silent.]
Black Dragon: Man, that cheap heat shit ain't gonna work on us. Outside of Rick there, I don't think any of us are even FROM Dayton.
The Rock: Huh?
Chris Alt: Ya see Rock, the only reason we're here is because the boss there wanted to hold our big pay per view here in his hometown, and I'm sure he could give a shit what you call the town. As far as we go, Westgaard over there... he's from Minnesota. Capslock is from Fresno...
The Rock: Sorry bout that, man.
CA: ...Phil's from... well, somewhere that's NOT Dayton. Reynolds is from somewhere in England or something. And Canadian Dragon? Well, there's a reason he's called "Canadian" Dragon.
Hardbody Harris: And I'm from THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA~!
CA: Exactly.
The Rock: Well, piss on this then. Ya'll are no fun. Let's get to these nominees...
The Rock: [in disbelief] That's it? That's all you got? The Rock could shit better catchphrases than that.
The Rick: Come on, Rock.
The Rock: Yeah, yeah. And the winner is...
[Ric Flair hops up on stage like a crazed madman before the Rock can announce the winner.]
Ric Flair: You want a catchphrase? I got a catchphrase for ya: WHOO! WHOO! WHOOOOOOOOOO!
The Rock: Get this insane old man away from The Rock.
The Rick: Ric, you weren't even...
Ric Flair: Weren't even what? Big daddy, I'm a kiss stealin, wheelin dealin, Lear jet flyin, limousine ridin, SON OF A BITCH! And damn it, I want a trophy!
The Rock: They ain't givin out trophies, you senile sumbitch!
Attitude Adjuster: Yeah, and even if they did, they'd just get broken.
Johnny Adrenaline: Timber.....
[Hardbody Harris, Chris Alt, and Fievel turns and glare at the Chickenshit Heels, but restrain themselves.]
The Rick: But you won the award for Best Non-Playable Character, Ric.
Ric Flair: What the hell is that?
The Rick: It means you're the most popular guy in the federation that isn't an active wrestler. We were gonna award it to you at the afterparty.
Ric Flair: Afterparty? You want an afterparty? It ain't no afterparty without the NATURE BOY! WHOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOO! [in The Rock's face] WHOO! [Flair yanks off his jacket and does a dancing strut on stage, then leaves.]
The Rock: Yeah, get your monkey ass on outta here. ... Anyway, the winner is... Trust Me, Moosehead Jack. Good, the Rock's got a plane to catch.
[The Rock storms off as Moose makes his way up to the stage for the second time already tonight. MHJ gets to the podium.]
MHJ: I guess I have to say something, right?
[The lights in the ballroom go out and a single light bulb descends from the ceiling and hangs right over Jack's head.]
MHJ: That's more like it. Ya see, "Trust Me" is more than just a catchphrase. "Trust Me" is a religion. It's being so confident in yourself and your ways that when you say you're gonna do something, it's not just words. It's not a prediction. It's not a guess. It's not a prognostication. It's a fact. Niles Anderson, that's something you will find out first hand... soon. Trust me.
[Moose reaches up and grabs the light bulb and breaks it with his hand. With no light in the ballroom, this would be a nice time for a commercial break.]
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The Rick: [with the lights back on] Moose, didn't I say no advancing angles at the ceremony??
Niles Anderson: I think you should suspend his ass, Rick!
The Rick: And I don't need your opinion on the matter, Anderson. I don't care if you ARE the World Champion.
[Suddenly, Tommy Wilder pops out from behind the curtain and STREAKS ACROSS THE STAGE!]
J.W. Westgaard: I told you he'd do it!
Capellan: [hands over fifty dollars] Damn it, that's cabfare for at least a week.
Donovan Viper: Do it again!
The Rick: I don't need anybody encouraging that kind of behavior. Especially you, Viper! Tommy, put some clothes on! While you do that, we'll present the award for Finisher of the Year. And here to present that...
[TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! And it's Triple H who comes out on stage. He does his spit take at the podium, and people immediately begin filing out to the concession stands and/or the bathroom. The lights dim and a spotlight focuses on Triple H at the podium.]
HHH: Ya know... a finishing move is a special thing. It's a dangerous thing. It's a maneuver so brutal, so devastating, so lethal that it ends your opponent every single time....
HHH: Will you guys get outta here. I'm trying to present an award.
[Phil grabs Beast and tosses him backstage and follows himself.]
HHH: A finishing move can be the difference between an ordinary career and a career like mine. Ya see, the Pedigree...
[With no sign of closure to Triple H's rambling, we cut to a commercial.]
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HHH: [still talking] Austin, Rock, Undertaker, Mick Foley, Chris Jericho... Benoit, Steiner, Shawn Michaels, they have ALL fallen victim to the Pedigree. Van Dam, Goldberg, Batista, Orton...
[The video package for the nominees cuts off Triple H: Beast's Big Monster Hammer Club O'Death, GatorBait's Chomp, and Hardbody Harris' To Be Edited in Later.]
HHH: ...Ahmed Johnson, Goldust, Marc Mero, the list could go on forever...
The Rick: Trips, come on.
HHH: Oh yeah, anyway, the winner is... I think this is an upset: The Chomp by GatorBait!
[Camera pans to a surprised Hardbody Harris, then hits GatorBait, who is being congratulated by his tag team partner Outback Jack and manager Wally B. King. GB makes his way to the stage.]
GatorBait: Wow, I don't know what to say. Just being presented this award by you, Triple H, is such an honor. I mean I...
[CHOMP~! Helmsley is dead. Officials drag his carcass off the stage. Crowd goes crazy.]
GB: I'd just like to thank the fans. Outback Jack, you're the best tag team partner a guy could have. Wally, not only are you a fabulous manager, but you're a helluva pimp daddy. Oh, and to the Red Stripe guy. Hooray beer, indeed. And I know this might step over the "no advancing angles" boundary, but this Sunday, no offense to either Concrete or Moose, but those World Tag Team Titles are coming Down Under. But I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know. Thank you.
[Still picture of UnderDawg sitting up in the ring appears on the screen: Best Use of Rhyme.]
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[Still picture of the "Smark Foundation" appears on the screen: Most Likely to be Sued for Gimmick Infringement.]
The Rick: Is this thing over yet? [pulls out his flask and takes a swig] What's next? [looks at cue card] Well, it just so happens that the guy that was supposed to present this next award bailed on me last minute. I mean, he called me from Cincinnati earlier and said he was on his way, but he still no-showed. I'm glad I don't employ slackers like that in my federation. Anyway, I guess I'll just have to present the award for Promo of the Year.
[On that note, Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster leave their table and hit the stage.]
Attitude Adjuster: Did you just say "promo" of the year?
Johnny Adrenaline: We got this, Rick. You can go sit and have a drink.
The Rick: Well, fine. But don't expect anything in return for this.
JA: Not even...
The Rick: No!
AA: Well, if anybody knows about cutting promos, it's us! So let's just skip the nominees and present the award to ourselves...
JA: Actually, we weren't even nominated.
AA: What?
JA: No. I think we were like division killers or something, and if we WERE nominated, we'd win in a landslide, so we were excluded to give everyone a chance. I mean, our promos are more than just an interview or a skit... they're EVENTS!
AA: Yeah, they should come with popcorn or something. Speaking of which, it says here that "Popcorn and Porn" finished second to the "Parking Lot Free for All" in the comedic promo of the year.
JA: Oh well, here's the nominees for Promo of the Year...
JA: And the winner is…
AA: Not us?
JA: Nope. “Dangerous” Donovan Viper, ladies and gentlemen! And I shall also add, that Mr. Viper has also won Heel of the Year, as well. No offense, Niles.
[Viper gets some manly love from his Devil’s Brigade cohorts and walks up on stage. Viper stares down AA, and Johnny offers a friendly handshake. Viper looks at Adrenaline and cautiously obliges with a brief shake. JA and AA leave the podium for Viper.]
Crowd: Ho-mo… ho-mo… ho-mo. [Viper looks over the crowd with a snarl on his face.]
The Rick: Speaking of which, Donnie Viper, you've also won Gimmick of the Year for portraying the homosexual, bisexual, whatever the hell you are, crazed evil wrestler.
Crowd: HO-MO... HO-MO... HO-MO!
DV: Damn it, for the last time, I AM NOT A HOMO! I think I’ve proved that over and over again. I’ll prove it this Sunday at Hell on Earth after I slaughter Mark Vander and claim Missy as my own. And I’ll prove it when I reclaim MY World Fucking Title from whoever walks out champion this Sunday, be it from… [pointing fingers] …you, Niles Anderson, you, Chris Alt, or especially YOU, Hardbody Harris. As far these stupid awards go, I don’t give a damn!
[Viper angrily leaves the podium to an awkward ovation and we head for another commercial break, but right before we cut to the break, Beast and Phil emerge out of the side section of seats, and Beast is beating on Phil with a large oil barrel. The audience scatters as officials pull them away yet again.]
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The Rick: All right, we're over halfway home. Just a reminder, there are just a few tickets left to Hell on Earth this Sunday. And if you can't make the show, check it on out pay-per-view, or do like I do, and go down to Hooters to watch it.
BlackDragon: Hooters? Count me in.
Chris Alt: Me too. Do they serve popcorn there?
Hardbody Harris: Do they show gay porn there?
The Rick: Damn it, you guys are gonna be wrestling at the pay per view, so shut the hell up. Next up is...
[The Rick is cut off by Microplay and the Evil Wizard, who make their way onto the stage.]
The Evil Wizard: Doth you have no intelligence? For Microplay and myself are presenting the following award.
Microplay: The award for the biggest piece of garbage in the entire federation, also known as Babyface of the Year. The nominees are three guys who I probably have beat around on more than one occasion, having been the FIRST EVER OOWF World Heavyweight Champion.
TEW: And he shall be again...
Microplay: And this Sunday, in the Legends Match, I'm gonna...
[UnderDawg cuts him off mid-sentence and hops on stage.]
UnderDawg: You're gonna do what?
TEW: He will desecrate the name of...
UnderDawg: I asked him, not you, Merlin.
Microplay: I'm gonna do the same thing I did to you in the Triple Threat Inferno Casket Match... I'm gonna send you straight to hell.
UnderDawg: [spits] Well, hell's a mighty long trip, so you might wanna start now.
[UD drops MP with a dogbone. Wizard reaches into his hat and begins casting a spell, but UD kicks the hat, and powder goes into the Wizard's eyes. The heels leave, and UD takes over the podium...]
UD: The nominees for Babyface of the Year are...
UD: And the winner is... surprise, surprise... Hardbody Harris.
[The crowd goes crazy as Hardbody makes his way to the stage. A friendly handshake with UD and Harris takes the mic.]
Hardbody Harris: I told you guys all along that I was THE #1 FACE IN THE OOWF~! And now my claim has been validated! So many people to thank. Chris, you're my best friend and I've told you all my secrets and you mean so much to me. I wouldn't be here without you, buddy. Sexy Female Journalist, the original, I'm sorry we didn't work out, but I just want you to know that I think about you a lot and maybe someday down the road things will change. I'll never forget that thing you did that one time, you know the one. Donnie Viper, pal, I don't roll like that, but if I did, you'd be the first guy on my list. [sarcastic wink in Viper's direction] Rick Moranis, Lee Greenwood, I'm sure there are others, but I'd be here all night. But I do have one other fellow to thank: Fievel, little buddy, we've been thru everything, and look at us: we're still standing. And after Hell on Earth, we'll be standing as OOWF World Heavyweight Champion.
[Niles Anderson strolls up on stage with his title belt and gets right in Hardbody's face. Feel the electricity on the air.]
Niles Anderson: So you're gonna be the World Champion, huh? You're gonna take this from me?
HH: Um... yeah, I am.
NA: What makes you so sure about that?
HH: Didn't you hear the song the other day? The good guy always walks out of the big pay per view as champion.
NA: Oh really? Well, the last time I checked, The Rick stacked the deck against me, and I'm facing TWO good guys on Sunday. Sounds to me like you got a 50/50 chance going by your own stupid logic.
HH: Well, if Chris wins, fine. We're friends. Best friends, I'd be happy for him. As long as you're not champion after Hell on Earth, I'll be happy.
NA: Don't count on it, asshole.
[Intense staredown on stage between Harris and Anderson. Suddenly, the crowd in the upper balcony begins to stir. Beast and Phil appear up there still fighting. Phil dumps a thing of popcorn on Beast. Beast retaliates with a wine bottle across the head. They struggle some more, and suddenly, Shawn Michaels appears on the balcony with them. HBK lines up some Sweet Chin Music and pastes Beast with it, but both guys go tumbling over the rail and fall 25 feet or so to the floor.]
Shawn Michaels: Ouch.
[Then from out of nowhere, Marty Janetty jumps Michaels from behind and tosses him thru the stained glass window in the balcony wall.]
Marty Janetty: Payback's a bitch, Shawn.
Shawn Michaels: You think I'm selling this, man? It's like 13 years late. Now get back to jail before the guards realize you're gone. [Marty leaves.]
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The Rick: Damn it, enough with the promos. Enough with the brawling. We're running behind already. Can we just present a damn award without any interruptions? Now, for the next award, let me bring out our next presenter...
[Ken Kennedy makes his way to the podium.]
Ken Kennedy: The following contest is scheduledforonefall with a twenty minute time limit...
The Rick: No, Ken. This isn't a match. It's Match of the Year.
KK: Well, in that case, let's see the nominees...
KK: I think it would be better if I did this. First we have, Beast... Beast vs. Hardbody Harris... Harris, in The Final Match, Chris Alt... Alt vs. Niles Anderson... Anderson in the Ambulance match, UnderDawg... Dawg vs. Capellan... Capellan from Midweek Mayhem, Canadian Dragon... Dragon vs. UnderDawg... Dawg in the Ultimate Hell match... and Microplay... Play vs. Donovan Viper... Viper vs. UnderDawg... Dawg in the Triple Threat Inferno Casket Match. And thewinnerofthisaward IS... MISTER KENNEDY!!!
The Rick: Look, Ken, I like you and all, but you didn't win anything. Now announce the...
KK: KENNEDY!
[The Rick grabs the envelope and opens it.]
The Rick: Canadian Dragon vs. UnderDawg in Ultimate Hell. Thanks for the time, Ken.
[Canadian Dragon hits the stage in a hurry and takes the podium.]
Canadian Dragon: I did it! Match of the Year! I told all of you morons from the beginning that I was the premier technical wrestler in the OOWF, and this award proves it.
UnderDawg: [from his table] What's that make me, then?
Chris Cole: A cranky old mutt! Now shut the hell up!
CD: Thanks to well, me. Trish Stratus for being my inspiration. And to all of Canada that's made me the hero I am today. Thank you very much.
The Rick: [retakes the podium] Okay, no ad break yet. Since we don't have a diversion, let's keep going. We have an award for Breakthrough...
[Almost on cue, THE BEAST POPS OUT of the podium, and he and Phil brawl some more on the stage. YARPLEX on the stage.]
The Rick: Damn it, I've got an award to present. You wanna handle the presenting duties?
Beast and Phil: [look at each other] Sure.
The Rick: Here, do it.
Beast: This next award is the Breakthrough Wrestler of the Year, I guess the newcomer who's made the most impact in the last six months.
Phil: Aye, it's got to be me, mateys!
Beast: Your fatass isn't even nominated, shit dick!
Phil: Well, the nominees YAR!...
Beast: And the winner of this award is... [reads envelope] huh?
Phil: It be a tie, matey! Firechild and Capellan!
[With the award out of the way, Beast and Phil begin brawling again, and they fall off the stage. Local indy workers, I mean, police officers actually come down and handcuff both guys and take them away. Firechild and Capellan take the podium together, carefully eyeing each other.]
Firechild: Chris, Ax, you're my boys. You got me here. The rest of you clowns can kiss my ass. Except you Cap. Congratulations.
Capellan: Oh sure, that was sincere. Thanks to my teammates J.W. and Tommy, even if you cost me fifty bucks earlier. UnderDawg, thanks for showing me the ropes. Everybody else, you guys are great, even if you kick the crap out of me every now and then.
FC: Come on, man. That attitude's never gonna get you anywhere. Especially not this Sunday. Onslaught Title. You don't have a chance.
Cap: Well, we'll see what happens. Don't count your chickens before they hatch.
[Thim Reynolds makes his way on stage.]
Thim Reynolds: You two are bloody hilarious. Arguing like a couple of girls. Besides, I'M walking out of Hell on Earth as Onslaught Champion.
[Capellan, Firechild, Reynolds stare each other down and leave without incident. We head to a commercial.]
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The Rick: Two more awards then I can drink freely. [takes another swig from the flask] Let's see, up next Tag Team of the Year. And here to present that award is... is... oh, who gives a shit anymore. There was a reason for the translator award a minute ago, but damned if I remember it.
[Taka and Funaki make their way to the podium. Taka begins talking in Japanese, but the mic is dead. The PA announcer kicks in.]
PA Announcer: Fools, just because we are not members of your shitty wrestling federation does not mean we should not qualify for the award of Tag Team of the Year, for we are evil... However, it is our duty to give you the so-called nominees. So without further ado, here they are... [Funaki says something in Japanese, but is also muted] ...INDEED!
PA Announcer: [continuing the translation] 3 Piece Set, Ax-Man and Chris Cole.
[Ax and Cole leave the groupies for the time being and make their way to the stage. Before addressing the crowd, they beat up Kaientai, Cole hits the HEADLINER on Funaki and Ax tosses Taka off the stage.]
Chris Cole: There ya go, right there. Proof, once and for all, that 3 Piece Set is THE premier tag team in the OOWF today, yesterday, and for the rest of eternity.
Ax-Man: Moose, Concrete, that title win was a fluke and you know it. This Sunday, the titles come back home to where they belong. Simple as that.
[3PS keeps it short, probably to Rick's liking, and leaves. Time for our final ad break.]
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The Rick: Well, we've made it. The TV backstage says the Yanks are only in the sixth, so let's finish this up. There's only one award left to present, and it's the big one. No guest presenter here, I'll handle this myself. Wrestler of the Year. The honor in this award is off the charts. It means you have been voted by your peers as the standard bearer in this company. That's a mighty high bar to live up to. The nominees are five guys who have brought their A-game to the table for the past 12 months. Perhaps without these five guys, we're not standing here doing any presentation right now. Here are your nominees for Wrestler of the Year...
The Rick: This is it, folks. The winner of the OOWF Wrestler of the Year award is......... Donovan Viper!
[Crowd boos heinously as Viper stands in victory. Hardbody can't believe it, and neither can Niles. Fans begin pelting the stage with trash as Viper takes the podium to accept the final award of the evening.]
Donovan Viper: What's that tell you, bitches? This is it, right here. It gets no better than what you people see before you standing at this podium. I am the wrestler of the year. The champion of the year. And the champion of next year, as well. My day will come, and it shall come soon. Ladies and gentlemen, good night.
The Rick: Before we close this thing out, there's one more thing we need to do. Hardbody, do you have things ready to go?
Hardbody Harris: Yeah, all ready.
The Rick: Moosehead Jack, would you come up here real quick?
[Moose makes his way on the stage, not quite sure what's going on.]
The Rick: As most of you know ladies and gentlemen, Moose here is our booker. Never mind the quiet, diabolical psycho he portrays every week on Midweek Mayhem. He more or less runs this company and gets paid less than I do to do it. And he's a heck of a guy on top of that. Moose, as a token of my, and every single one of our wrestler's, appreciation, this is for you...
[The curtain pulls back and a huge copy of Hardbody Harris' Superior Wrestler trophy rolls out onto the stage, with "SUPERIOR BOOKER" in huge bold type on the nameplate. Moose turns around and all the guys are breaking character and giving him a standing ovation. The babyfaces come up on stage and shake hands and hug, and a few of the heels do so as well. The heels quietly duck out of the ballroom as the celebration continues on stage as we fade to black.]
[In memory of Semaj B.]
[Get well soon, Antoine.]
[The end.]