OOWF Hell On Earth/One Year Anniversary Show

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF Hell On Earth
Live From Dayton, Ohio

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Three Way Dance[/u]
Niles Anderson vs. Chris Alt vs. Hardbody Harris

OOWF Intercontinental Steel Cage Match[/u]
Blackdragon vs. LD Williams vs. Mr. Jealous vs. Eric O'Mac

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
Moosehead Jack & Concrete TG vs. Drink & Destroy vs. 3Piece Set vs. The Team From Down Under

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Firechild vs. Thim Reynolds vs. Capellan vs. GimmickMan

Ultimate Hell Match [/u]
Corax vs. Hellion

Last Battle of Dayton - Barbed Wire Cage Match[/u]
The Devil's Brigade vs. wCw

Steel Cage Double Dog Collar Chain Match[/u]
The Establishment vs. Johnny Adrenaline & Attitude Adjuster

Winner Gets Missy Match[/u]
Donovan Viper vs. Mark Vander

Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage Surrounded by a Moat of Lava with Lava Breathing Sharks in It and a Giant Safe Over the Ring That Will Fall When the Time-Limit is Up with Special Guest Referees, Shawn Michaels, Zombie Sharkboy, and Zombie Lava Girl.[/u]
Beast vs. Phil


Legends Match[/u]
Microplay vs. UnderDawg

Ladder Match - Winner Retrieves A Contract for a Shot At The Onslaught Champion[/u]
Uncle Entity vs. Canadian Dragon

Dr. Murder & Mikey Styner vs. SoulDragon & Mercury

More to be added? Stay Tuned!

[mooseheadjack]

*Canadian Dragon is looking at the posted matches for OOWF Hell On Earth. He shakes his head as SFJ#21 walks by.*

SFJ#21: "So do you have a match."

CD: "Nope."

SFJ#21: "But you're the number one contender for the Onslaught Championship aren't you?"

CD: "Yup."

SFJ#21: "And you are a former World Champion right?"

CD: "Now that you mention it..yes I am."

SFJ#21: "Wow. You must have pissed somebody off."

CD: "No not really. You see I just have killer match after killer match. Whenever the OOWF needs a boost I'm the guy nearly getting killed in a gimmick match."

SFJ#21: "So I guess this means you'll be in a meaningless match."

CD: "See...that's more like it. Because up untill that point you made sense. See it doesn't matter if it's a "Ohio Streetfight", a 2 minute squash, or a Onslaught division match. The people in the stands know one thing...when they come to see Canadian Dragon wrestle they are in for the match of the night."

SFJ#21: "Ummm...but you don't have a match."

CD: "Tell you what. Let's put an open challenge out there. Anybody who is willing to step up and face me can do so. Ladder match, chain match, ironman match, whatever you want. "

SFJ#21: "I want Hardbody's phone number...can I have that."

*CD shakes his head and leaves the interview area.*

[mooseheadjack]

*Phil, rubbing his head after getting pummeled by Beast with a Little Giant Ladder, walks by the posted match list for the OOWF Hell on Earth Explodeversary PPV. He scans the list and doesn't see his name.*

PH: Yar. This be an outrage! Me an' Beast be left offa tha card so far.

*Hardbody Harris wanders by, examining pictures on his iPod Photo.*

HH: Hey Phil. You got a second?

PH: Yar. Not really, matey. I still be seethin' from the attack Beast 'ad been puttin' on me...

HH: Cool! Take a look at this. I made a slide show of me and my SUPERIOR WRESTLER trophy on vacation. Here we are at the water park. Heh heh, the trophy got stuck in the Super Splash Tunnel twice! Good times... good times. Oh! Here we are parasailing off the coast of Morocco. And here we are standing next to the Eiffel Tower. Tee hee, that confused the heck out of the tourists. Man oh man. Scuba diving in Austrailia... now that was fun. You'd never know how sharp that coral is until you bang your knee on some but, man alive, does that sting! Luckily I managed...

PH: YAR! I not be 'avin' time for this right now, Hardbody. I be needin' to set a match for me opportunity to be gettin' back me iParrot!

HH: FINE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR LOVE! NONE OF YOU DO!

*Hardbody Harris runs off crying, clutching his iPod to his chest.*

PH: Yar. Anyways... I think I know what I be needin' to do here... Beast wrote me this 'ere check. As bogus as it may be, it still be a legally bindin' document. With the right spell, I'd be able to be a'conjurin' up a match for the Pay Per View. Let's see here...

*Phil digs into his pocket and removes the check. He signs the back of it, writes "for me iParrot, Squawky" in the memo line and then chants a few words. Phil, still groggy and angry from Beast's latest attack failed to notice one of his Little Giant salesperson business cards was stuck to the back of the check! As magical energies flow from Phil's fingers, the check and business card fuse into one, and then explode into tiny twinkling specs of light. The glowing particles swirl through the air and fly directly at the line-up sheet on the wall. The entire page glows bright white and then fades to reveal a new entry on the card:

Little Giant Ladder Match - For the iParrot
Phil vs. Beast

Both wrestler's signatures are listed under the match, signifying that they agree to the stipulations.*

PH: YAR!?!?! What be this!? a Little Giant Ladder Match??? Oh, fer the love 'a Davy Jones' Locker! I be seein' attack ships on fire off th' shoulder of Orion an' I be seein' c-beams a'glitterin' in the dark near Tanhauser Gate... but I ain't never been seein' a Little Giant Ladder Match!!! Consider me timbers officially be shivered.

[mooseheadjack]

GM the Rick hears the commotion going on outside, but has no interest in getting involved. Rick takes a long swig of his favorite whiskey, looks lovingly at the bottle and takes another deep swig. He listens, but hears nothing at his door. Our intrepid leader ventures to the hall way and looks around. Finding only empty space, he notices the change on the lineup card:

Little Giant Ladder Match - For the iParrot
Phil vs. Beast

What? No no, that just won't do. Just a ladder match for the Iparrot isn't big enough for those two, let's see how bout we make this one little change

Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage
Beast vs. Phil

There, I like that much better.

<suddenly turing to the ever present ninja camera man>

And make this one good, no more iParrot on a pole matches or anything else for awhile.

<The Rick grunbles to himself walks back to his office and slams the door.>

[mooseheadjack]

*phil is walking down the hallway. suddenly a vat of hot lava is poured down on top of him. the beast comes around the corner and starts yelling at the lava puddle.*

Beast: HA! take that you space zombie shit-dick! you may be able to get back up from a hit with the Super Awesome Little Giant Ladder, but i doubt you'll walk away from having lava poured on you!! this iParrot is mine! FOREVER!

*just then phil rises from out of the lava, his clothes have burned off but he's otherwise seemingly unscathed.*

Phil: Yar! ye be thinkin lava will kill me? me magical zombie skin takes penty more'n lava ta be burnin', an' me robots parts melt at a much higher tempurture! sure, it be hurtin some. alotta some, ta be honest, but it not be doin any real damage, yar. all ye be doin is burning off me clothes. so now i be naked and you be a homo! i doubt you be havin the same tolarance against lava, says i!

*phil splashes a big handful of lava at the beast. the beast just laughs as the lava drips off of him, burning his skin.*

B: HA! you think i cant take a little lava? i'm the fucking beast for christ sakes!

PH (with a bit of a disgusted look on his face): yar, yer skin be bubblin... eww...

B: WHATEVER!!

*the beast starts spashing the lave at phil and they end up getting to a big lava splash fight.

GM the rick comes walking around and sees it.

GMtR: ARE YOU SHITTING ME??!!?! a god damn lava fight? really? are you guys serious? that's it, time for match revision #2!!

Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a Pit of Lava, Surround By a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage
Beast vs. Phil

[mooseheadjack]

Harper Camby & Tommy O’Neil are in front of the 80’s style bluescreen with The Devil’s Brigade logo in the background as they begin their promo.

HC: wCw, it seems that we find ourselves faced off with you for the millionith time. I’ll be honest, you guys have certainly had our number. But at Hell on Earth, things will be different. I’ll admit that we underestimated you guys. Tommy and I thought we would eat you alive and the matches would be over in 5 minutes. You guys have a lot of fire and a lot of fight in you. You should look in the mirror every morning and be proud that you have lasted months of feuding with us and not have any permanent damage.

TO: Jus’ as’ Semaj’ ha tuf it is ta do det.

HC: At Hell on Earth, the Devil’s Brigade you’ve been wrestling will not be there. In the past we have taken you two lightly. That will not happen this time. In the past we have been focused on other teams. Not now. When I go to bed I’m thinking about Hell on Earth. I dream of Hell on Earth. I wake up and I’m preparing for Hell on Earth. I AM IN THE GYM FOR HOURS PREPARING FOR HELL ON EARTH. AND WHEN YOU STEP INTO THE RING WITH US THAT NIGHT YOU WILL SEE THE MOST DEDICATED DEVILS BRIGADE EVER.

(Tommy puts his hand on Harper’s shoulder and he calms down a bit)

HC: The only thing that we are focused on is beating you. We will not half ass this match. There will be no cheap wins. Finally we will see wCw vs. The Devil’s Brigade in its true form. Congratulations guys, you’ve done something that nobody in the OOWF has been able to do. You’ve awakened the Beast inside me. And I like the feeling.

TO: At ‘ell on Ert ya 2 boyos ar guna see whot me an ‘arpa do whin we reely don lek ya.

HC: Exactly

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are hanging out at Ric Flair’s lunch counter, admiring his new Intercontinental Title belt.

AA: Hey, Johnny, have you seen the Hell on Earth lineup?

JA: Yeah, we have The Establishment in a Steel Cage Double Dog Collar match.

AA: Lots of stipulations there, huh? And doesn’t it strike you as funny that this week we’re facing Hardbody Harris…

JA: TIIIIMMMMMMM-BBEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!

AA: Oh, that was sweet. So we’re facing Hardbody…

JA: TIIIIMMMMMMM-BBEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!

RF: WHHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AA: Can we get on with this now?

JA and RF (laughing): OK, OK. On with the promo.

AA: Thank you. So we’re facing Harris and Chris Alt, and then at the biggest PPV of the year we’re suddenly facing The Establishment in a bizarre stipulation match. Where’s the continuity? This doesn’t make me feel good.

JA: So what are you saying?

AA: Well, I have a bad feeling about this. In my years of wrestling experience, this means either The Establishment is going to attack us with Dog Collars in our match this week, or we’re goin to attack them with Dog Collars in their triple threat match against The Team From Down Under and SoulDragon and Mercury.

JA: Or maybe a rabid dog is going to attack us here at the sandwich stand? And the dog will be wearing a collar?

AA: Possibly. Or maybe we’ll attack a Steel Cage while wearing dog collars?

JA: Or maybe we’ll find a dog trapped in a steel cage because The Establishment locked the door with a dog collar?

AA: Or maybe The Establishment will jump us from behind with steel cages and lock the cage door with a dog collar?

JA: Man, we have a lot of thinking to do. Of course, we could beat them to the punch (since we are heels) and do that to them.

AA: Hey, that’s a good idea. OK, here’s the plan. We’ll go find some steel cages and we’ll attack The Establishment with them, then tie up the cages with dog collars. Then we’ll find some Chihuahuas and blame the attack on them. Chihuahuas are always funny. Even funnier than midgets.

JA: So where do we find the steel cages?

AA: I saw a store in Dayton called “Steel Cages, Clangy Poles and Other Wrestling Foreign Objects.” I think they’ll have what we’re looking for.

JA: Where was that place when we were looking for a Sioux Warrior Strap?

AA: Ehh, don’t go there. Let’s just put that promo in the same file as “Who drove the Hummer?” and “Isn’t The Giant Andre’s son?”

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline is on his cell phone, fidgeting with some golf balls, obviously on hold. A toilet flushes in the background and Attitude Adjuster walks out of the bathroom.]

AA: What are you doing?

JA: Saving us a trip. ... Is this Steel Cages, Clangy Poles, and Other Wrestling Foreign Obects? ... Yes, my name is Mr. Rick Scaia and I am promoting a wrestling show here in town this weekend and would like to order some supplies from you. ... The OOWF. ... You mean you haven't heard of it? ... How about Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster Alan Capps, you heard of them? ... What? Capps had a Boston Market commercial come out a few months back, you must've seen it. ... Oh, well never mind all that. Like I said I need some materials for our show. ... We'd, I mean, I'd like one of everything, please. ... Fantastic, and the total will be? ... DAMN!

AA: [whipsers] How much?

JA: [away from the phone] Over seven grand.

AA: Damn...

JA: ...Yes sir. ... Yes sir. ... Great. You can deliver it right here to the arena. ... Actually, Mr Capps will sign for it. Have them deliver them around back. Down the hall, room number... [checks number on locker room door] eight. ... Great. ... Charge it to a Rick Scaia, S-C-A-I-A. ... You've got the address right? It's local. ... Great, thank you sir. [hangs up]

AA: Well...?

JA: Who needs to search for anything when you can get it delivered to your locker room door?

AA: You're a genius.

JA: Hey, Johnny knows best. Another sandwich, man?

AA: Absolutely.

[fade to black]

[mooseheadjack]

Johnny Adrenalline and Attitude Adjuster walk back to Ric Flair's sandwich table where they see The Underdawg ordering a roast cat sandwich. He's also wearing two big-ass gold chains, like Run DMC and Kama The Supreme Fighting Machine used to wear.

RF: That's one way -WHOOO!- to skin a cat!

AA: Hey! Underdawg! Nice gold chains, by the way. Check this out. We have a double dog collar match at Hell on Earth, and we're looking to get a double dog collar. Do you know where we could get one?

UD: A DOUBLE dog collar?

AA: Yeah. I called PetMart but they only have single dog collars. I don't know even know what a double dog collar is. Johnny?

JA: I dunno. Maybe one collar on each end, so one dog can pull on the other?

AA: Or maybe it's for a two-headed dog?

JA: I've never seen a two-headed dog before. A three-headed dog I've seen, but that was on Clash of the Titans.

AA: They had a three-headed dog in WCW?

JA: No, that's Clash of the Champions. I'm talking about that old movie they show every 6 months on TV.

AA: Oh yeah.

UD: You guys are stupid.

AA: C'mon, Underdawg, can't you help us out?

JA: Yeah, I know you've got one around here somewhere. I mean, I hear you and your wife, Fara, are pretty kinky, ya know?

UD: Excuse me?

JA: Hey, Attitude. He's wearing two phat (yeah, I'm hip, yo!) gold chains on his neck. That should count for a double dog collar, yeah?

AA: Yeah! How 'bout it Big Dawg? Can we use them for the match?

UD: No. My wife gave these to me. I look pimpin' in these chains.

RF: I took your old lady to space mountain last night! WHOOO!!!

UD: No you didn't.

RF: No... I didn't.

AA: Come on, Dawg! Let us use them. We promise we'll give them back (crosses fingers behind his back) It's not like you have a match at the PPV anyway.

JA: Yeah. You don't. You're not even involved in any storylines are you? Viper's busy, Devil's Brigade is busy. Even your little buddy Capellan is busy. Looks like you're all alone. So you don't need the collar. Just give it to us.

UD: Well, I could always set myself up with a match against your boss for his world title, since he doesn't have a match either, and since he ruined that #1 contender's series.

JA: Can he do that, Attitude?

AA: I don't know. I don't think Niles would like that too much.

JA: No, he wouldn't.

At that moment Attitude Adjuster picks up a cup of not-very-scalding hot coffee and splashes it into UnderDawg's face!

UD: Hey! What did you do that for?

AA: I thought it was going to be scalding hot, like it always is in WWE. And then Johnny was supposed to take your double dog collar while you were dealing with the scalding hotness of the coffee.

UD: I'm going to kill you...

Just then Johhny splashes some more not-very-hot coffee onto UnderDawg's face, but that didn't work so he kicks him in the nuts! Attitude yanks Underdawg's chains off his neck and they run off!

UD: Bastards....

[mooseheadjack]

*GM The Rick is sitting in his office watching the season premier of Lost on his DVR. He rewinds the episode over and over again, scribbling notes furiously onto a yellow legal-sized pad of paper. A knock at the door interrupts him.*

TR: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

*Phil opens the door, still nude from the incident with the Lava.*

PH: Yar. Ye be havin' a minute, thar?

TR: Phil?

PH: Aye?

TR: Why are you still naked? For fuck's sake.

PH: Yar. Alas, th' majority of me spell components had been badly burned by the lava Beast poured on me out in th' hallway. I'm afraid that I have no way of conjuring up any new drawers fer me'self.

TR: Hang on.... *sigh*

*Rick pauses the episode of Lost he was watching and goes into a bag by the couch in his office. He pulls out a very very large pair of sweat pants from the bag.*

TR: Here, put these on... please. They should fit you fine. I got them from my last sexual conquest. I've got groupies too, you know, because I'm The Rick and I'm so kick ass!

PH: Um... yar. She seems to 'ave been a rather large one. Bein' a little whale-like, even.

TR: Yeah, I like 'em big. Wait... "she?"

PH: ...

TR: Um...

*The pause is quite uncomfortable and goes on for a few moments.*

PH: SO! What'cah be watchin' thar?

TR: Oh, it's the latest episode of the Emmy Award Winning television show Lost. I don't like it very much.

PH: Why?

TR: Because it's mindless, stupid tripe that only people less intelligent and less cool than the Rick would like. It's like a summer blockbuster, popular but devoid of anything worthwhile.

PH: Yar? Aren't summer blockbusters usually bein' devoid of detailed character development or complex, layered dramatic elements? Seems ta' me that I'd been hearin' that Lost be very well written and quite compellin'.

TR: Well, YOU SIR are an idiot. There are much better shows on television that you should be wasting your time with. This one is dumb.

PH: What other shows be better?

TR: I'm not saying.

PH?: Fine, then why be Lost "tripe," as ye be callin' it.

TR: Again, I'm not saying. You better just accept it, because you know, I'm obviously cooler and more popular than anyone else I know, and therefore have a more valid opinion than other people who have opinions contrary to my own. Even though my area of expertise is in re-booking a ridiculous show about grown men in colorful, tight outfits pretending to hit each other, I'm taking detailed notes about why Lost is a show for braindead idiots. Furthermore, I will be refusing to use the notes to back up my opinion when I blast Lost in my OOWF.com column "The Rick Report." I've obviously wasted valuable hours of my time by watching every episode of Lost and have been swept up in it's interesting and diverse characters. It's the only way I could come to the logical, not to mention irrefutably correct, conclusion that the show is forgettable tripe.

PH: Okay. Can I be addin' lava breathing sharks to me match with Beast at the Pay Per View?

TR: Hm? Oh sure sure. Whatever. OH, and by the way, I talked to the ring crew and they said that they can make a MOAT out of lava around the ring, but a pit would just dissolve the Little Giant Ladder making that stipulation pointless, which I suspect was part of Beast's plan. That guy's already cost this company enough money crashing through all kinds of shit, not to mention the fact that he still owes me a check from last week for his wages. You guys will get a lava moat and you'll like it.

PH: Yar. So, sharks then, too?

TR: Fine. Fine. Oh, and don't wreck them pants. I DEFINITELY want those bad boys back. Wait, where are you gonna get lava breathing sharks? Never mind. Do whatever... just get LOST.

*Both The Rick and Phil laugh hysterically at the obvious joke until the frame freezes. Phil and Rick are shown leaning back caught in mid laugh, mouths agape and stomachs being held. Credits start to roll as the theme from Barney Miller plays. The last credit rolls up and it says:

Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage Surrounded by a Moat of Lava with Lava Breathing Sharks in It
Beast vs. Phil

[mooseheadjack]

*the beast sees the new stipulation.*

B: lava breathing sharks? in a pit of lava? what the hell's the point. "oh no sharks, dont breath and lava on me while i stand here in a pit of lava already!!" stupid ass zombie. can't even make a stupulation that makes sense.

*the beast goes and crashes into GM the rick's office.*

GMtR: oh, what do you want now?

B: do you even pay attention to the stips you add? what the hell is lava breathing sharks gonna add when you're already in lava?

GMtR: well.... they are still sharks. we had to get the lava breathing kind cuz the normal ones would just burn in the lava.

B: hmm. good point. still doesn't seem like it has the same "umph" as the other stips.

GMtR: well what do you suppose we do?

B: how about a giant safe?

GMtR: a safe?

B: yeah. a giant safe, hanging over the ring. and if we dont finish the match before the time-limit, the safe drops and crushes us both.

GMtR: that's the worst stipulation i've ever heard!

B: well that's just something off the top of my head. i'm sure with a nice brain-storm session i could come up with something better.

GMtR: no, fuck that. i dont have time for this shit. for better or for worse, that's the stip you get.

Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage Surrounded by a Moat of Lava with Lava Breathing Sharks in It and a Giant Safe Over the Ring That Will Fall When the Time-Limit is Up.
Beast vs. Phil

[mooseheadjack]

AA: Hey Johnny, did you just read that post above us?

JA: Where?

AA: Down there!

JA: That didn't make any sense.

AA: I guess you have to be a raging alcoholic with important friends in the wrestling business to understand. Yo! Time for a survey!

JA: What? You're not making any sense. So what are we here for?

AA: Well, I was just watching Phil in The Rick's office, and now they have lava-breathing sharks in a moat around the steel cage. Now I'm all about Main Eventing the biggest PPV of the year, but I'm not so sure I want to follow a match that involves a moat of lava-breathing sharks.

JA: I don't think that safe is safe either. It's cool in once sense. At least when The Rick gets the bill for our stuff he might not even look at it. He might even think it's for Phil's match.

AA: Step ahead of you.

JA: Huh?

AA: Hi, is this "Steel Cages, Clangy Poles and Other Wrestling Foreign Objects"?...Remember that order for one of everything?...No, no, no. We don't want to cancel it. We just want to change the contact name on the bill. Can you make that order to be from Phil?...Yeah, just Phil...I don't know his last name! (Covers the phone.) Johnny, do you know Phil's last name? Oh, hell with it. (Back to the phone.) His last name is “EleventhLevelPrehistoricZombiePirateNinjaRobotWizardfromOuterSpace “ Yeah, Phil EleventhLevelPrehistoricZombiePirateNinjaRobotWizardfromOuterSpace. I think he’s Japanese * or something.

*--No Japanese were offended in the writing of this promo. Except maybe salmonjunkie. And if that's the case, screw you 'cause your character's a HOMO. Besides, aren't you Hawaiian?

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan reads the latest lineup and shakes his head,

"Dude, if Phil and Beast's match gets any crazier, they're going to need a second sheet just to list all the stips."

Wilder nods enthusiastically,

"Won't it be wild? Now that's what I call extreme!"

"What was with Rick's little diatribe about Lost, though? Shouldn't he be thinking about the OOWf and why we haven't been given a tag title shot yet?" JW punches Wilder lightly on the shoulder.

"Dunno," Wilder shrugs, "Besides, he missed the biggest downer of all: those guys are all on this cool island with a freakin' monster and cliffs and bitchin' waves, and not one of them has gone rock climbing, or surfing, or monster-bronco-busting ..."

"Kid, you worry me." JW laughs, "You watch Lost, Cap?"

"Huh?" Capellan's attention was back on the lineup sheet, "Lost? Yeah, kinda. I haven't watched the new season premiere yet, though, because I had other plans last night."

"Think we should spoil it for him, kid?" JW asks.

Wilder takes one look at Capellan's scowl and shakes his head with a grin,

"Nah, there are some things that are too extreme even for me."

[mooseheadjack]

Mr Jealous is in the training room lifting weight’s when Todd Shitbag came in,

TS; MJ how do you feel about what happened at midweek mayhem ?

MJ; do you really have to f**king ask you see what happen I was the only 1 standing I
Should be the IC champ but the f**ken ref stop the match….

TS: ok whattt ahhh!!!!!!

Mr Jealous took the mic of Todd & push ‘s him away

MJ: who do you think you are BOY interruption ME when I am talking,
I have something to say, at Hell on Earth PPV I will be the IC champ just like MY girl
They belong to ME & there is nothing anyone can do about it …

MJ laughs & goes back to lifting weights & Todd just looks Very scared & confused

Fade to black

[mooseheadjack]

Underdawg walks down the hall, looking Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline. He finds them! They're drinking coffee and they're wearing his chains!

AA: Oh shit!

JA: Run!

Underdawg starts to run after them down the hallway. JA says as he's running:

JA: Wait, double-A, we've got hot coffee!

AA: We tried that before. And besides, as we found out the hard way, The Rick is too cheap to buy us coffee that is scalding hot.

JA: Looks like we're done for ol' buddy!

AA: He may kill us, but it's not going to be because we didn't run!

The Chickenshit Heels continue running as the approach The Evil Wizard.

TEW: Boys, I've got just the spell for you!

JA: I thought Phil was the magic guy around here.

TEW: No, I am too.

AA: No, I'm sure Phil's the only one. Well, Underdawg is kind of magic, too.

JA: But his is supernatural.

AA: Yeah. Spooky.

JA: But not gay spooky.

AA: No, that'd be your buddy, Donnie.

JA: Hahaha!

AA: Hahaha!

TEW: I am too a magic man!

JA: Really?

TEW: I'm a FREAKING WIZARD, for chrissakes!

AA: Ok, what have you got for us?

TEW: (raises magic staff) TOH EEFFOC EKAM!

*POOF*

TEW: Now when the mangy devil-mutt comes, throw your beverage at him.

AA: What the hell are you talking about?

JA: This guy is nuts. But what the hell. When Underdawg catches us, we're going to die anyway.

AA: Yeah, but this is just stupid. Besides, couldn't we give him back his double dog collar?

JA: If we do that we won't have a dog collar for our match at Hell On Earth!

AA: Good point. We're still going to die, though.

TEW: JUST DO IT! Trust me!

JA: Moosehead?

AA: Nike?

Just then Underdawg comes around the corner!

UD: GIVE ME BACK MY CHAINS YOU...

Simultaniously, Johnny and Attitude splash Underdawg with their magically enhanced coffee. Underdawg covers his face in pain!

UD: ARRRRGH!!! OH MY GOD! IT'S SCALDING HOT!!! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! ARRRRGH!!!

Ross: Good lord, Razz! Those no-good scoundrels just sprayed The Underdawg with scalding hot coffee!

Razz: I've seen a lot of dirty things in my day, and I've gotta say, that's one of the dirtiest!

Ross: That Evil Wizard should pay for what he did!

Razz: Yes he shou... Wait, Johnny and Attitude were the ones who threw...

Homie Schiavonie: Damn you, Evil Wizard! Damn you straight to hell!

JA: Holy shit! It worked! Thanks Evil Wizard!

AA: Yeah! Thanks!

The Chickenshit Heels scamper off as The Evil Wizard laughs over his accomplishment.

(Back from commercial break)

The Rick is in his office, watching television again, writing notes about how much cooler he will sound about hating the well-liked Lost when the door bursts open!

TR: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

Underdawg walks up to The Rick, his face steaming, with burn marks and patches in his fur. He marches up to the desk, slams his paws on the desk, and growls.

TR: Um. What can I help you with?

UD: (ominous menacing voice) I WANT THE EVIL WIZARD!

TR: You can't. He's not a sanctioned wrestler, only a manager.

UD: GIVE ME THE EVIL WIZARD!

TR: I can't. I'm sorry that the Wizard sanded your vagina, but I just can't. But I can give you his most accomplished protege, Microplay at the Hell On Earth PPV. I'm sure you're very familiar with him.

UD: Microplay... Yes. He once burned me, too. I'll shall destroy Microplay and The Evil Wizard! (turns to invisible ninja cameraman) MICROPLAY! WIZARD! You shall both know the true meaning of EVIL, when I eat the soul from your heart and drink the blood from your flesh. You both shall REST... IN.... PEACE!

TR: All right then! It's settled! It's a match! It'll be legendary! (light bulb!).

The Rick is about to write the match down on the lineup sheet when...

TR: Funny, the match was already listed. But I just thought of the match just now...

[mooseheadjack]

*The Evil Wizard is in his lair, talking on the phone*

EW: ...I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry...

*WBK comes in, OOWF coffee mug in hand*

WBK: Wiz, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you down to Storage B. There's a big shipment coming in from the Steel Cages, Clangy Poles Company and we need all the space you can get. So if you could go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there that would be great, OK? *picks up red scepter* Let me go ahead and get this, OK? *leaves*

EW: Excuse me, I believe you have my scepter...

[mooseheadjack]

*Phil, in his new sweat pants, watches the coffee episode from down the hall. Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline go running by him.*

PH: Yar. The coffee went from hot to SCALDING hot? What be that, "prestidigitation?" That be a 0 level spell. Yahahaha! That Evil Wizard be a total fraud!

*Shawn Michaels comes walking up. He acts like a goofball...*

SM: I'd have ta be agreein' wit'cha thar, matey!

PH: YAR! Ye be Shawn Michaels!

SM: Yup, that's me... BIG MAN. I'm the show STOPPA!

PH: What ye be doin' here in the OOWF? We already be havin' two prehistoric folk here... me'self and Ric Flair!

SM: Ha ha ha ha ha! See, that was pretty funny there, Phil. Now hold on a second, before you start eatin' my brains or anything, let me make sure one thing is perfectly clear. I got a call from GM The Rick a few hours ago about bein' a guest referee at a match here at Hell On Earth. You wouldn't know anything about that... WOULDJA?

PH: Yar. Ta be bein' honest, no I wouldn't. Ye could be the guest ref in me match with Beast if ye want.

SM: Sure.

PH: SWEET! I mean... YAAR!

SM: Where's Flair? I'm starving.

*Shawn Michaels walks off down the hall. As he rounds a corner, Miramax Films' own Sharkboy and Lava Girl come walking down the hall towards Phil.*

SB&LG: Hey you! We've been sent by Miramax to put a halt to your OOWF match! If you don't call it off, we'll SUE YOUR ASS!

PH: Hey, ain't ye be that guy from TNA?

SB: No... DUMMY. He spells his name "Shark Boy," while I'm "Sharkboy." It's totally different and not at all worthy of a lawsuit.

PH: Yar, but me match with Beast IS worthy of a lawsuit?

SB: You've got sharks.

LG: ...and lava.

SB: That's a breach of our intellectual property. Seeing as your OOWF isn't as big, or wealthy as Miramax, you have to cancel the match.

*Phil looks at both of them for a moment, leans down, grabs them both by the throat, lifts them to his mouth and bites each of the tops of their heads off. He slurps down their brains and throws their bodies down the hall.*

PH: Hot coffee. Psh.

*Phil walks over to the line-up sheet and crosses out his match with Beast and posts the revised version:*

Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage Surrounded by a Moat of Lava with Lava Breathing Sharks in It and a Giant Safe Over the Ring That Will Fall When the Time-Limit is Up with Special Guest Referee, Shawn Michaels.
Beast vs. Phil

[mooseheadjack]

*Moose and Crete are in their locker room when they hear a knock on their door*

Crete - Come in.

*Drink & Destroy enter carrying a six-pack of beer.*

FF Capslock - Congratulations champs. 3 Piece Set couldn't have lost to a more deserving team.

Stank - Accept us of course.

FFC - Stop it Stank you're ruining the mood.

Stank - I'm just saying.

FFC - ANYWAY... a toast to the new tag champs!

MHJ - Here here.

*The beers are quickly consumed by Moosehead Jack, FF Capslock & Stank*

Stank - Aren't you gonna drink some, Crete?

CTG - Uh no. I'm not much of a beer drinker.

FFC - Whatsamatter? Our beer ain't GOOD enough for you?

CTG - No... I mean... Yes, of course it is. It's just...

Stank - Well drink up then. C'mon this is a celebration.

CTG - But I don't WANT any beer.

FFC - C'mon Stank. Hopefully he'll celebrate with us when we win those titles back.

Stank - I don't care either way. Hmmph.

*Drink & Destroy leave*

MHJ - WHY couldn't you just drink the beer?

CTG - I... *sigh*

[mooseheadjack]

:Originally posted by outback jack
*The Evil Wizard is in his lair, talking on the phone*

EW: ...I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry...

*WBK comes in, OOWF coffee mug in hand*

WBK: Wiz, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you down to Storage B. There's a big shipment coming in from the Steel Cages, Clangy Poles Company and we need all the space you can get. So if you could go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there that would be great, OK? *picks up red scepter* Let me go ahead and get this, OK? *leaves*

EW: Excuse me, I believe you have my scepter...

*Moments later, Phil comes walking by. The Evil Wizard is still muttering to himself.*

PH: Yaaaaaar. Heeey Wiz, what be happenin'? Yar, I'm gonna be needin' these spell components thar, too. Yaaar.

EW: I guess I'll just have to burn down the building.

PH: Yar. With what? Hot coffee, Yo ho ho ho hooo!

*Phil walks off with new spell components and The Evil Wizard is left alone at his desk.*

[mooseheadjack]

*GM the rick is in his office, on the phone. it doesn't look like the conversation is going well.*

GMtR: ....i know.......... well i dont really think--.......you cant have the copyright on anything and everything having to do with lava and sharks..........well i dont think that's true..... that's not fair!!........ but we can't afford a legal battle with disney. there must be some way to get past this.......... you want what?.............well, heh, there might be a problem there... phil ate their brains. they're zombies now............. still, even besides that, it's already got a............ fine. you win. ok. bye.

*click*

GMtR: sigh.

*GM the rick gets up and goes over to the match listings with a sharpie.*

GMtR: christ. this match-- wait, i'm sorry, this SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT SEGMENT is starting to be more trouble than it's worth.

*scribble scribble scribble*

Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage Surrounded by a Moat of Lava with Lava Breathing Sharks in It and a Giant Safe Over the Ring That Will Fall When the Time-Limit is Up with Special Guest Referees, Shawn Michaels, Zombie Sharkboy, and Zombie Lava Girl.
Beast vs. Phil

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris and Chris Alt are icing their various injuries from the Super Beatdown at Midweek Mayhem.. The camera pans back and we see that they’re sitting in the wreckage of Hardbody’s broken SUPERIOR WRESTLER trophy. Alt is in a lawn chair with one of the legs broken. Hardbody is sitting on a pile of lava lamps. They’re both not happy. Downtrodden, if you will.*

CA: Wow. This has just about been the worst week of all time. I mean, first your troph…

HH: (sobbing) I don’t want to talk about her. They…they ruined her!

CA: Okay, okay. But things are pretty poopy right now.

HH: I know. I never realized how crappy life gets when you’re on your way to main eventing a show as big as Hell on Earth, the Great Great Great Brother’s Wife’s Ex-Husband’s Stepchild’s Unborn Fetus of Them All.

CA: Yeah, it’s almost as if we’re supposed to be overcoming insurmountable odds or something. I mean, if I was a viewer at home, and I knew that we were up against Niles, the Chickenshit Heels, Mr. Wizard’s Crew, and our devastating head wounds, I’d think there would be no way that either one of us could win.

HH: This is definitely a downer. We had an incredible best-of-seven series up until the last 5 seconds. We’re easily the #1 FACES IN THE OOWF, as well as the #1 BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

CA: Wait…you’re my BFF?

HH: Yes, and you’re mine.

*High fives for BFFs!*

CA: That makes me happy, Hardbuddy. But this really sucks. Nothing has gone our way for a long time. Our bikes, your trophy, losing our match, being tricked…I need a little inspiration.

HH: Yeah, if only there was something that could lift our spirits, get us in the right frame of mind so we don’t fall apart before our match. Something that could touch our soul…

*Right on cue, a man walks into frame. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. He’s carrying a guitar in one hand and an American flag on a pole in the other. He comes into view. It’s…LEE GREENWOOD!*

HH and CA: LEE GREENWOOD!!!

LG: Yes. I was getting an all-American sandwich with extra mom and apple pie when I overheard your tale. I think I have just the song for you. In fact, it eerily contains references to you guys and the OOWF! I didn’t write a new tune, though, so it comes from my hit “God Bless the USA,” also known as “Proud to be an American.” Let me sing it for you.

God Bless the OOWF
By Lee Greenwood

If tomorrow all the wins were gone
I'd won in my career ,
And I had to start again
Always jobbing to Mark Vander.
I'd thank my lucky stars
That I wasn’t a heel, too,
'Cause the bad guys don’t ever win
At the big-time Pay-Per-View!

I'm proud to be a #1 FACE
’Cuz at least I know I'll win!
And I won't forget the heels who’ve jobbed
To give the good guy the pin,
And I gladly get beat-up
The show before and lie bloody on the ramp,
Cuz there ain’t no doubt that at Hell on Earth
A face will be the champ!

From the boyhood dream of Shawn Michaels
to the rise of Stone Cold Steve
The emotional win byf Benoit
With the belt they always leave
From Cena down to Hogan
and Savage to Ric Flair,
A face always wins the main event
They don’t even need a chair!

I'm proud to be a #1 FACE
’Cuz at least I know I'll win!
And I won't forget the heels who’ve jobbed
To give the good guy the pin,
And I gladly get beat-up
The show before and lie bloody on the ramp,
Cuz there ain’t no doubt that at Hell on Earth
A face will be the champ!

I'm proud to be a #1 FACE
’Cuz at least I know I'll win!
And I won't forget the heels who’ve jobbed
To give the good guy the pin,
And I gladly get beat-up
The show before and lie bloody on the ramp,
Cuz there ain’t no doubt that at Hell on Earth
A face will be the champ!

*Hardbody, Chris Alt, and an emerging Fievel whistle, clap, and cheer at the inspirational performance. A bald eagle swoops in and is all majestic and stuff. A single ribbon falls. Lee bows.*

HH: Wow! That was great. I feel so much better. Thanks, Mr. Greenwood.

CA: You’re right! A face always walks out of the big PPV with the title. Now I’m sure on of us will win.

*They all high five. Then, in a SHOCKING SWERVE Lee decks Hardbody and Alt with the flag! What a traitor! Lee hates America!*

LG: Remember Wrestlemania 2000? Nothing’s guaranteed…not even in America. And not at Hell on Earth.




HH: (groggily) That turned out to be a downer.

CA: Tell me about it...

[fade]

[mooseheadjack]

(Uncle Entity and Jesse Garon are being interviewed by SFJ #1)

SFJ #1: Uncle Entity, you are heading into the OOWF's biggest card of the year against an oponnent that is largely looking past you despite the hellacious matches the two of you have had over the past few weeks. What do you have to say to Canadian Dragon as you head into Hell on Earth?

Uncle Entity: Well Canadian Dragon, you have given me some electric matches. But here's a secret. I know I can beat you. Because in your head, you have already beaten yourself. Your entire mantra is of past glory and what you THINK you have earned.

I am no flash in the pan. I am a bruised and aching indie warrior. I didn't shoot to the top as a young stallion. I crawled by way to where I am by ignoring pain, forging prescriptions and leaving hundreds of rings covered in my blood.

I do not stick my accomplishments in people face in hopes that I will gain their respect like you do. I just let them gaze upon my horribly scarred forhead and they can make their own conclusions.

I have a deep, meaningful confidence that while you are worried about your position on the card, I will be sealing up my victory for the night.

I hate everything you stand for Dragon. I have beaten most of the contenders in the Onslaught division while you sat atop the rankings and wondered when you would get a World Title shot. You have not only forsaken me, but you have forsaken the entire Onslaught Division. Guys like Thim Reynolds and Capellen and Seraph and Firechild are as good as you will ever be. But in your own mind you consider yourself not worthy of their competition.

I am dedicating my match with you at Hell On Earth to all the true wrestlers in the OOWF - The Onslaught Division and all the Indie workers out ther disgusted with what has become of their livlihood by egomaniacs like you Canadian Dragon!

(Uncle Entity storms off. Jesse Garon follows.)

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are seen backstage. AA is peeling off $100 bills to a mystery hand. The camera pans back and we see Lee Greenwood!!!!!!

AA: Nice job, Lee. Good doing business with you.

Suddenly The Iron Sheik runs into the scene and clobbers Lee Greenwood with the Irianian flag!

IS: Hack, fuhh!! Invisible Ninja Cameraman, zoom in on abs!

Suddenly Jeff Jarrett runs in and clobbers Iron Sheik with a guitar!!

JJ: You can't have a huge PPV without J-e-Double-F, J-a-Double R...

Suddenly Ric Flair runs in and clobbers Jarrett with the Intercontinental Title!!

RF: WHOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly Hacksaw Duggan, dressed in a janitor's uniform, clobbers Flair with a broomstick. Flair proceeds to have a 5-star match with the broomstick!!!

JA: This is certainly getting ridiculous, isn't?

AA: Nothing but the best for the OOWF first anniversary PPV.

[mooseheadjack]

Viper walks into GM the Rick's office as he's watching TV.

GMtR: WHY DO YOU ALL KEEP BARGING IN LIKE THIS?

DV: Why do you always yell?

GMtR: It's a side effect from drinking all this whiskey. And besides, I secretly hate being here in OOWF. You guys are fucking dorks.

DV: Secretly? Hah. You've been Mr. Sandy Vagina ever since you've been here.

GMtR: What the hell do you want, Viper?

DV: Oh, nothing. Just wanted to ask you to bar The Devil's Brigade from ringside during my match with Mark Vander.

GMtR: No problem. Hey, waitaminute. You want to bar your guys from ringside against your match with Viper? You're the worst offender of outside interference in this company!

DV: I think Niles has one up on me there, but either way. Yes. I want you to make sure The Devil's Brigade from my match this Sunday at Hell on Earth.

GMtR: Why on earth would you want that? And why don't you tell them yourself, you metrosexual sissy-boy who drinks Corona with lime.

DV: Fuck you man. Corona with lime is a good fucking beer. You're just jealous that I have style and you're fat and bald. Anyways (non-chalantly dodges an empty whiskey bottle thrown in his direction), I don't think anyone - the fans, the boys in the back, Mark Vander, even my crew would believe me if I told them I wanted them to stay away from my match. That's why I'm going to you, to make sure it's official.

GMtR: And why do you want them to not interfere? Vander had your number last time.

DV: Exactly. I am obsessed with destroying that man. So obsessed that I am unwilling to let anyone else share the delight I will have in crushing that poor boy's heart and soul.

GMtR: What about your sexy female ninja?

DV: The ninja? She'll be at ringside. She is the prize, after all, yes? Winner Gets Missy match if I recall.

GMtR: No, I mean, where did you find her? She doesn't seem like one of those cookie cutter anorexic bimbos that we have in this company to plumpen the wangs of our fans.

DV: Why do you always say that? That's the stupidest euphemism for hard-on that I've ever heard.

GMtR: Fine, don't tell me. Jerk.

DV: Hey, is that Veronica Mars you're watching?

GMtR: Why, yes, it is. It's only the bestest show in the whole fucking universe! Only a moron wouldn't like this show!

DV: And yet you trash Lost?

GMtR: VERONICA MARS IS TEH AWESOMEST SHOW EVAR~!!! OKAY?!?>!

DV: Did Erlana tell you that?

GMtR: Yes, she di... What are you trying to say?

DV: I'm just sayin...

Just then a scantily clad woman comes out of the office bathroom, re-applying lipstick and adjusting her skirt.

HKR: Ricky-poo. Did you just call for me again? You know there's no 2-for-1 special.

DV: Cindy?

GMtR: Cindy? Her names Er... anyway. How do you know all of the hook... I mean, women who hang out with me because of my awesome manly studliness?

DV: Ohhhkaaayy. Hasn't it been made clear yet that my character is a complete sexual deviant with absolutely no qualms about who and what he fucks?

GMtR: You're gross...

[mooseheadjack]

A team by team breakdown of Drink & Destroy's opponants, by FF Capslock

"3PS- Sucks
TTFDU- Sucks
MHJ&CTG- Sucks

Thank you."

FFC- I wrote that.

Stank- Very creative.

FFC- I calls 'em how I sees 'em.

Stank- Wanna go train for the big match?

FFC- BWA HA HA HA HA HA!

Stank- Well by "train" of course I mean "get drunk" and by "for the big match" I mean "at a skin bar."

FFC- You ever find penguins attractive?

Stank- What?

FFC- Nothing, let's go.