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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:06:12 GMT -5
*The Evil Wizard is in his lair again, he is looking into his magic pool of doom (a la Mum-ra from Thundercats). The pool shimmers a moment and then reveals Underdawg walking around with his scalded face like a leper*
TEW: Foolish, foolish creature. Scurry along now, go and eat some apple cobler like the old woman thou art.
Old hag puffs on a cigarette God only knows what she’s trying to forget Wind howling through the dirty trees Kids on the street doing whatever they please Feet dashed on the cobblestone My eyes don’t even feel like my own Head, brain, skull rattling like bones Could never go back to being alone
*As he says this Mike Styner, Dr. Murder and Microplay emerge from the shadows they can be seen holding long objects that look like guitars, violins or something...*
TEW: Muwhahaha
And Soul Dragon and Mercury - do not think your insolence will be over looked by the gods, do not think it will go unchecked by the fires of hell.
*Microplay, Dr. Murder have banjos and strike up a folk-country rhythm, Mike Styner soon enters the beat with a double-bass. The Evil Wizard unveils a tamborine from under his robes and bursts into song...*
TEW: There was once a Soul Dragon He kept losin' by the flagon His career was a flaggin' He was carried like a you suck and are banned Like a scrawny dirty maggot By liquid Mercury who thought he had it When he came a-knockin' on my door. I told him "Son, I can't help you none Till you take out that trash behind you Dump that little runt someplace where he will never find you Only then will you find gold When you are all alone And you've left your little friend... out in the cooold!
Thank you, thank you!
*Wizards crew all applaud and start laughing like maniacs as the screen fades*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:06:47 GMT -5
(CTG is outside the arena signing autographs when a truck pulls up. He spots the distinctive red and silver logo of "Steel Cages, Clangy Poles and Other wrestling foriegn objects" and sees an opportunity.)
CTG: sorry, guys, I have to go inside now for the show.
Fan: So are you really a bad guy now?
CTG: .... why would I be?
Fan: you're acting more like Moose and Niles all the time.
CTG: (takes a deep breath) My obligation with Moose ends real soon, and I'll be his tag partner until someone beats us for the Tag team titles. The tag belt is only the second belt I've been able to get my hands on since I got here so I want to hold on to it as long as I can. Who knows? I might be with Moose another six months at this rate.
(the fans seem a little disappointed in that)
CTG: (clears throat, slips into "Hurri-crete" mode) but fear not, Citizens of Fandom! My strength is the strength of TEN MEN for my heart is still pure and my motives are just!
Fans: (Cheer for Hurri-crete)
CTG: (bowing to them) now, please excuse me, for CRIME WAITS FOR NO MAN!
Fans: CRIME WAITS FOR NO MAN~!! (they chant for Hurri-crete)
CTG: (does the Freakazoid "Whoosh" and "flies" over to the truck, out of view of the fans)
Truck driver: Hey, did you order all this crap?
CTG: Not all of it, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind some of it unloaded for you.
Truck Driver: I'm Union, I don't unload for nobody. You wanna unload the truck? Knock yourself out.
CTG: (salute) Your truck will be unloaded post haste
Truck Driver: Good, cause I gotta find some dude named "Phil....." (reads the clipboard) he's French.
CTG: Actually, I think he's Caribbean.
Truck Driver: Whatever. (walks inside)
(CTG unloads the truck, but checks the manifests til he finds a box he can use - one full of barbed wire, folding chairs and baseball bats. He sets that one aside and unloads the rest into the hallway. Inspired, he writes a huge "FREE - TAKE ONE" sign and sets it by the boxes)
CTG: may as well make it a reasonably fair fight.
(CTG also grabs a box of clangy poles, shoulders his other box, and walks back to his locker room.)
Mysterious disembodied Narrator voice: "Crime waits for no man", indeed. How can one of the greatest heroes of the OOWF perpetuate such a stupendous crime?
CTG: (turns back around) Oh please, if Eddie Guererro can lie, cheat and steal and still be loved like Robin hood, so can I.
MDNV: What MORE could happen? Find out NEXT POST, on ONLINE ONSLAUGHT WRESTLING!
CTG: you forgot Federation, dumbass.
MDNV: Don't tell me how to do my job!
CTG: (turns, draws a clangy pole) then don't tell me how to do mine! (swings at the ninja cameraman)
**static**
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:08:35 GMT -5
***Outback Jack, GatorBait, Wally B. King, Steve, Iron Eyes, Panda, and the Red Stripe Ambassador (wearing a Foster's sash) are all seen huddled around GatorBait's computer in the locker room***
GB: OK, so we've beaten all 3 of the teams we're up against at this upcoming bash, but never for the title... we really need to step it up here, mates...
OBJ: I know what you mean... I'll go pull out the stair-master and work out my glutes...
GB: ...
WBK: ...
IE: OO
S: crikey?
P: grr?
RSA: Hooray Beer!
GB: aaaaaaanyways, we've battled D&D so many times that I don't think we need a refresher... they suck, anyway... big dumb-ass brutes who think we care about their personal problems... so I decided to get the babelfished Japanese transcript of the MHJ/CTJ vs. 3PS Title Match from last week to see what sort of edge we can get...
***on the screen*** 3PIECE jack and concrete TG of MOOSEHEAD - team title match hostility of the bill of the world of OOWF still the effect of quarrel of wildness last week has shown 4 everything which is. Concrete and Cole start. You tie the brim and the elbow; Cole obtains the forearm and first shock in the mouth of the concrete. Crete falls to one knee, wipes the blood from that mouth. Cole comes to concrete acquisition from that feet where European uppercut has been attached separated and in the ざ, him sees. The concrete installs shock and Cole and pound on the surface. CTG pulls Cole, sends to the rope, and connects with clothesline of diving. Crete to pull Cole strongly, in the corner and sending the bill of the American elk. The American elk enters, puts some knees in the central part of Col's, when and ref turns that note to the ax, the jack sounds Cole of the mouth where the suddenly piercing the right has been attached plunk, bites that amount. As for the revolution of ref so as for Cole which stops the fact that Cole is bitten around the jack it becomes from the corner alternately, the jack is exposed to the rope, destroys Cole of clothesline. The cover has been broken at 2 o'clock by ax Ax-Man. The jack starts going after the ax, but with one side the focus is adjusted to substituting in Cole. The jack pulls Cole next to that feet, at the time of the highest back section body decrease, rises to the 2nd rope, and drops the elbow which crosses that box. For the second time the jack cover; The ax gets going, but it fills up the concrete in the ring, stops him. As for Cole still current you can kick at 2 o'clock 4 human everyone with the ring brawl. The ax hits against the concrete where low blow has been attached, throws him between the rope. The jack crossing the ring, fills up the ax which it waits in order in that feet to occur exactly with profit and Cole, hits to MHJ of right of the knee whose between of the scapula is high. The jack becomes first alternately, Cole catches him of suplex of the T bone, covers 2 calculations, and obtains. It reaches to the pulling jack corner of Cole and takes the jack of double union for long extension in revolution. As for those in the ring post you close that sufficiently, you tackle the foot of MHJ which drops the knee which crosses the knee from the intermediate rope. The ax enters, tightens in figure 4. The jack that tries the fact that it fights, tries has being reversed the fact that it turns that, and that almost although the ax to apply many pressures, as for the jack in the mat time the ぶ. The concrete starts entering, in Cole and Cole in the ring having ref comes. The concrete is sat down with simultaneously to move with the figure 4 where he tightens in the ring, it hits to the magical errand where Cole shines. The ax falls as in blank surprise, figure 4 can be reversed the jack. But as for the range of the ax for the rope it cannot obtain everywhere. Cole retains by dropping the elbow which crosses the neck of thing and MHJ which enter. As for grasp now being broken, as for the person it is both. Each one which makes the bill it pulls that method to the desperate opposite corner and tears. The ax first is attached with that side, the foot of the jack the clamp, and rolls, Cole, and rush and the making of the surface which is kicked the bill ring to the concrete, tries the fact that he is pulled in center of the jack. It flies the concrete roughly to the ring and 2 quarrels. As for ref it can avoid method, or, the elbow from Cole of the reversal of concrete suplex it does not take. Now trouble starts. Cole tries the stomach in order to support suplex but it repels the concrete in that shoulder, the concrete type grasp of the extent of the Russian the side foot grasps Cole, but movement is finished or, comparatively, CTG is attached with the jack, hits against the double central punch of Cole! Cole falls to that knee which pants for breathing. The ax of attack of the concrete and those to the apron fall from the floor. As for ref, there is Cole, it is. Being to try the fact that the jack makes ref revive group of demon hit against the ring, it turns the jack, eats triple 6! The jack has died. Now Camby tries the fact that ref is made to revive, but him it hits against the ring where the wCw chair of the can has been attached, before taking TDB, brawl, it backs up the ramp from the ring. At that time, the ax person is ref in the ring, the chair waiting for the concrete in order to obtain in the clamp, and that feet, becomes aware, it rolls. Because he hits the ring, in order and to do the team, the call of wildness is used? Cv. Destroy! GatorBait hits to Chomp of Cole for good measurement! He has died! Way the permission of TDFU the ring, those 待 it turns over with Adrenaline and AA,! ジョニー spatters the head of Gator where the steel iron chair has been attached, AA drops OBJ of the concrete where DDT has been attached. In the ring, there are 3 people. As for the concrete in addition to setting up the elbow of flight of the ax, as for ジョニー and AA which rise to the rope slowly you look at this, jump with the apron. As for the concrete from the apron separated in him flight, before he can obtain in ジョニー, the ジ ョ knee pushes him from on separated, sends but as for Crete passing by the モトッコ person, flying through the table which is announced you connect with the boots to the surface of AA's which goes! Come to the ring which carries the leather string of the soldier of Endo and Morte sou family and strike snot from ジョニー, and AA sending those which move advance. Now as for Cole and the ax which the jack profit has already begun in that feet it rises and already is, it gives the knee which in the head is continued doubly in the jack. Once more the jack has died. As for the ax outside and being the cover and the concrete you stir, you try the fact that making fair thing ref and Cole which are begun is made to revive. At first glance everything which is lost collision, when the ring you drink and/or and destroying! And hit to the pound of Cole and the ax both meat, leave those which to the ring from cold are. The jack shot profit and stench in that feet of Capslock and the eye of the lock, those classify, signal go away from the ring. When the jack turns, he can being destroyed by Niles Anderson who has the chair in the head. The power which the chair strikes opens the enormous cut of the head of the jack, almost hits him from cold. Niles pulls the jack, before he who is set because of SteeDDT can hit to that the concrete in addition to the fact that clothesline which destroys Niles has been attached jumps from the rope. Niles and concrete falling from ring. Crossing the ring, it crawls the jack, it covers that arm which crosses the ax. Ref comes finally, begins calculation. Crith Cole tries the fact that it retains, but Williams that foot maintains him from damage on the clamp and the cover from LD outside. Ref counts 3, is! 33:92 winners and the team champion of the bill of the world of new OOWF - after the Moosehead jack and the concrete TG match, you celebrate the jack and the concrete in the center of the ring. LD Williams and establishment lift their arms of victory. The American elk rises to the turn buckle and brightness above with Niles, the half where team title of that bill wins recently in him shows. From the ring seethes, it supports Niles in the back section.
OBJ: Oh bloody hell, mates!... the American Elk has surfaced again!!!
GB: Dude...
OBJ: and we really need to be mindful of Cole's magical errand... sounds dangerous...
GB: Dude...
OBJ: and it looks like they've all got a new ally, too... Russian the Side Foot!... those side foots are evil bastards... we'll need to stay sharp... I think we're gonna need everybody we got at ringside for the PPV, mates!... now let's get to workin' out!
***OBJ chugs his Foster's, slams the big can down, and belches***
OBJ: That's Australian for ass-kicking beer, mates!
RSA: Hooray Beer!!!
***fade to black***
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:09:01 GMT -5
The invisible Ninja camera man follows OOWF Champion Niles Anderson as he walks down one of our numerous hallways. For a change, Niles is alone, the Bitch Boys are nowhere to be seen. As Niles rounds a corner......
WHAM!!!
someone swings a chair and slams it across Niles face. Niles flies backward from the impact, hits a wall and slowly slides down the wall until he is slumped on the floor. The camera pans up and we see Moosehead Jack standing there.
MHJ: Niles, did you think I would forget? Did you think I would let go what you did to me? I don't think so <Jack hammers away at Niles face> You better get used to this, there is a lot more whenere this comes from. <Silence for a moment, Jack seems to have walked away, Niles shakes his head as he slowly regains his senses, but before he can do anything, we see Jack is back>
MHJ: Niles, consider yourself lucky, I couldn't get a hot branding iron at the moment, so this will just have to do <Jack slams a glass bottls across Niles head, blood immediately begins to flow down his face, Jack picks up one of the larger pieces of glass and lchuckles>
MHJ: You know, Mercury had to learn this way, I thought you were smarter than him, but I guess not <as he speaks to Niles, Jack carves M-H-J into Niles chest, Niles spasm's in pain> You are mine Niles, this is just the start
<Jack picks up Niles, slams him with a heart punch that staggers Niles back into the wall, then drops him on the floor on the broken glass with a DDT>
MHJ: <sitting next to Niles on the floor, watching the blood pool around his head> Have fun defending that title Niles. If I feel like it, I just might show up in your match. Or before it, hell you never know where I just might show up do you? All you know is
somewhere, somehow, I WILL show up and ruing your life.
Trust me
<Jack leaves and the camera focuses on a prone Niles, fade out>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:12:39 GMT -5
Black Dragon watches as his former student and partner Soul Dragon repeatedly elbows the wall.
BD: You know, you could always, I don't know, leave the group. Didn't you get tired of being my partner, and we were actually winning matches? Why are you hanging out with the Wizard anyway? Is he going to give you a heart or something?
SD: Very funny.
BD: Seriously, think about what you're doing. Look at me, longest reigning Intercontinental Champion in our brief history. I've had classis matches with everyone from the incomparable LD Williams to rookies like Mr. Jealous. Hell, by now, we should have had at least one match for this title. Remember the week before Dance of Death, we had a match that tore the house down and that was just a warm up for the PPV. Imagine what we could have done with a title on the line.
You have all the talent in the world, and you're wasting it in this stable. Hell at least when we were in the AYUFF, we were all equals and if we disagreed with one another, nobody got slapped or talked down to like a child. I'll see you later.
SD: That's it? Not a very convincing argument. Seems you focused a little too much on your accomplishments and my failures. As I recall, I beat you in that match. And not some cheap roll up or chair shot from behind. With my Omen Driver. A move that kept even the mighty Black Dragon down for the three count. So don't lecture me about ability. I've beaten you before and I'll do it again. So if you really want to help me, do me a favor and hold onto that belt just a little longer. I want my shot and I'll prove it to you, The Rick, the Wizard, and that drunk bastard in the third row that Johnny doesn't know best, and Capps is a joke. That LD Williams lacks the killer instinct and that all these pumped up muscleheads with the technical ability of a one-legged puppy are nothing compared to me. I'll prove what everyone already knows. The only reason this belt is still yours, is because you've be avoiding me. You didn't want to lose the one thing that keeps a smile on your face. The one thing to validates your position on the roster. But, and this is a huge but, you leave Hell on Earth as the IC champ, I'll treat you to an extra day of hell. A hell where I stand as the new Intercontinental Champion and you watch all your dreams crumble at my feet.
BD: I look forward to the challenge.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:13:41 GMT -5
Harper & Tommy are walking down the halls talking strategy for their upcoming match with wCw.
HC: Tommy, we need to take a quick break. I’m starving. Let’s grab a sub from Flair.
TO: Ay enjoy de ‘anweech dat Rek meks but ay can stan de guy. Ay tink det boyo is craze.
HC: He is nuts.
(Harper & Tommy arrive at the counter)
RF: Whhhooo, Welcome to The Nature Boy’s WWWWhhhoooooo, Wheeling & Dealing Subs WWWhhhhooooooo. What can I make for you boys?
HC: Let me have the Southwest Chiptotle Cheesesteak with all the veggies, extra jalapenos, toasted on wheat.
RF: WWWhhhhoooo, Some like it real hot. WWWhhhhhoooooo. (Flair struts a bit behind the counter)
TO: Gim me a Rus Bef un Chezz un pa’me’un origeno wit maya, mustrd, litus, tameta, onun, an pekle.
RF: (staring blankly) Huh?
TO: Rus Bef un Chezz un pa’me’un origeno wit maya, mustrd, litus, tameta, onun, an pekle.
RF: WWWWhhhhhooooo. I can’t understand a word your saying. I’ll give you a Meatball on Italain Herbs & Cheese. Trust me its good. WWWWhhhhooooo.
TO: Il kel ya (Harper grand Tommy before he can attack Flair)
HC: Dude, calm down. I need my sub. He wanted Roast Beef & Cheese on Parmesian Oregano with mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle.
RF: Well why didn’t he say so. Wwwhhhhooooo. I can do that.
(Flair struts around while he makes the subs. He lets out 35 WWWhhhhooos and drops 4 elbows to stray veggies that fall to the floor.)
RF: There you go, enjoy.
HC: Thanks. (Harper & Tommy walk over and sit at a table and begin eating their subs.) Damn, Flair. This sub is awesome.
(Flair comes over to the table and starts dancing around a bit.)
RF: WWWhhhhhooooo, I know my sandwichs are great. That is because I’m the WWWWhhhhhoooo, WWE Intercontinental Champ, and WWWWhhhhoooo 16 time World Chmp and the Jet Flying, Wheeling dealing, limo
HC: We’ve heard this before.
(Flair continues to strut around that then he elbows Harper’s sandwich squishing it onto the table.)
HC: I was really hungry.
RF: WWWWhhhhhhooooooo
(Harper grabs Flair by the throat and shoves him face into the squished sandwich.)
HC: That was my sandwich!!!!!
(Harper and Tommy deliver a wicked Triple 6 through the table. Flair is out cold and bleeding like a pig.)
HC: Let’s just go to Wendy’s.
TO: (standing over Flair) WWWWWWHHHHHHHOOOOOOOO
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:14:04 GMT -5
Niles Anderson slowly comes to after being laid out by Moosehead Jack. He gets up slowly wiping the blood from his eyes and gets to his feet slowly. After steadying himself and trying to shake off the cobwebs Niles looks directly at the invisible Ninja camera man, we see that Niles is a mess, several large gashes criss cross the side of his head, his nose may possibly be broken, and both of his eyes are now black and blue
Niles turns to leave and looks right into a (convienently placed) full size mirror and see's the MHJ etched on his chest.
Niles stares wide eyed for a moment, drops his title and begins to tremble in rage. Adter several seconds, Niles picks up a nearby TV monitor and hurls it at the mirror shattering it into thousands of pieces. Niles turns back to the camera man, wild eyed with rage and speaks:
NA: Moose, you may think this scares me, you may think that I will tuck my tail between my legs and run away. You are wrong. You may have half of the tag titles, but that, that is insignificant compared to this <holding up the world title> I am the bes....
Just then, Niles looks at his world title, and where it once was a beautiful gold, jewel encrusted title belt, it was now mangled and broken. It looked as though someone had beaten it with a hammer. Niles stares at the title, clutching it in both hands, trembling noticibly with rage, Niles screams
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSEEE! and storms off.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:15:40 GMT -5
Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline come along Ric Flair, just coming to but still bleeding like a stuck pig.
AA: Ric! Who did this? What happened? When? Why? How? (Aside to Flair) By the way, damn fine blade job!
RF (whispers): Thanks.
JA (back to the promo): You forgot “Where?”
AA (indignant): I think I can figure out where.
JA (with no particular emotion): Yeah? Where?
AA (really, nothing needs to be here anymore): Down there!
JA: That still doesn’t make any sense.
RF mumbles incoherently.
AA: The Devil’s Brigade did this? They Triple 6ed you through the table? About two hours ago? For elbowing their sandwich? By picking you up and performing the Triple 6?
JA: You got all that from Ric mumbling?
AA: Nah. I read the post above us.
JA: That’s it! We have to make sure The Devil’s Brigade pays for this!
Just as Johnny is about to run off to confront TDB, Ric grabs Johnny’s leg and mumbles incoherently.
AA: Ric’s right, Johnny. We can’t go after The Devil’s Brigade. We’re heels. Even more so, we’re The Chickenshit Heels. It would go against our characters to actually care about someone other than ourselves or take the fight to someone. If we do that, we instantly turn face. Then you know what happens? We start cutting lame promo, trying to be sharp and edgy but we just come off looking like we’re pandering to the fans. Remember how lame Edge and Christian were as faces? And need I even mention John Cena?
JA: You got all that from Ric?
AA: Yep.
JA: So we don’t go after The Devil’s Brigade?
AA: Nope.
JA: OK. Well, I’m going golfing then.
AA: And I’m gonna go get a sandwich. Hey Ric, get up man. There’s sandwiches to be made!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:16:06 GMT -5
[Johnny Adrenaline is seen pulling his golf bag thru the back, headed for his car and a tee time. He's singing...]
JA: [off key as usual] Don;t ya see what I'm sayin... still we keep on playin... head games! That's all I get from you.. head games! And I can't...
[Johnny stops mid-note when he sees the delivery truck. The driver is shutting the back door.]
JA: Whoa, didn't you have a delivery here?
TD: Yeah, just finished unloading it.
JA: Unloading it where?
TD: Well, I didn't unload it personally, I'm Union. But some Superhero dude grabbed some stuff. Then some guy muttering about an iParrot, whatever that is, then a dog-like human took some things...
JA: Well, we didn't... I mean, Mr. Phil didn't get his delivery.
TD: Look, I gotta go take a shit, all right. If you got a problem, call the office.
[The truck driver hops in the cab and takes off. Johnny grabs his cell phone.]
JA: ...Yeah, 'Tude. We got a problem...
[fade to black]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:16:34 GMT -5
(As she's sneaking off to Viper's car, Missy senses she's being chased. After a few quick steps, she spins around ready to slap her pursuer. As he blocks it, Mark Vander slaps a handcuff on her, the other end is snapped to himself.)
Vander: Couldn't have you running away. We need to talk.
Missy: Talk. Talk. All you EVER do is talk. That's why I'm here in the first place. You're a real idiot you know that? Viper and the Brigade? They'll be here any minute. And you? Will be a dead man.
Vander: Listen to you, moralizing to me about what I can and cannot do. I'm no action hero, Missy. I tried that. But this ain't "Last Action Hero" and I'm not Mccauley Culkin!
Missy: Culkin wasn't in Last Action Hero, jerk.
Vander: That's not important. I'm a wrestler, Missy. Just some rich white kid from Chicago with a dream. You made me into a star. But I was never any of those things you said. I wasn't ever the Chesapeake Bay Cheesecake Champion or the Shitpants World Title Holder. I'm just a guy, Missy, and...what the fuck am I supposed to do? Huh? Viper kidnaps you and I'm supposed to what? Get the shit kicked out of me every week until he suddenly grows a conscience and calls the whole thing off? I tried that. It didn't work. And it hurt.
Missy: You don't know the meaning of pain.
Vander; Yeah? Well I'm sorry about that too. But look, if the cops won't help, and Rick won't help, and the only people who will actually take your side on this are a French business manager and a giant dog in a hat, you've got pretty much no chance of saving jack shit. And let's not forget you had some culpability in this whole thing too!
Missy: How dare you!
Vander: It was YOUR idea to come with me to the shows, yes? You could have sat back in your cozy little office where nothing bad would have ever happened to you, but no. You were here. You knew the risks. I know the risks. Alex knows the risks. You will NOT play the fucking blame game with me, Missy. What you went through is terrible, but the guy you should be blaming isn't me. It's the guy you're working for, and to whose car you're currently handcuffed.
(Missy looks down and sure enough, Mark had unlocked himself and handcuffed her to the door while he was talking.)
Missy: Well, shit. Where was MacGuyver when I needed him?
Vander: I'll see you at Hell on Earth, ma'am. I'll win you back. And, hopefully, some day. You'll be able to see fit to forgive me for not being man enough to save you when I could. Good night.
(Mark leaves just as Viper and the Devil's Brigade come around the corner to find Missy, furious and tugging at the car door. Later, Mark arrives in The Rick's Office.)
Rick: It's already taken care of. No outside interference in your match.
Vander: That's not what I'm here about. I've come to see a man about a girl.
Rick: Really? Like hookers? Because I know this guy....
Vander: I've got an idea that will...plumpen your wang.
Rick: I'm listening.
Vander: I want Missy handcuffed to the ropes. Winner of the match gets the key to unlock her. Until then, I don't want her to interfer. I just want her to watch the match. Nobody can guarentee anything unless she's locked up to something.
Rick: That's not how I would have booked it.
Vander: Shut up.
Rick: Geez. Don't get sand in your vagina. It's not a bad idea. Not great, but not bad. A solid thumbs in the middle idea.
Vander: Wow. Retro.
Rick: You've got it, kid. Now get out of my office. I've got to make sure the Corona and the limes are in different corners of the room.
(Mark shakes his head and leaves, as The Rick waddles from side to side in the room patroling lest some pesky limes contaminate his luscious Corona.)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:17:11 GMT -5
*Chris Alt is alone in his locker room, reading the OOWF Magazine Hell On Earth Preview Special, looking all intense and stuff like he used to do when he was a more "serious" face. Not Exactly Sexy But Still Pretty Hot Only In An Intellectual Sort Of Way Female Journalist comes into his locker room.*
NESBSPHOIAISOWFJ: Chris, without trying to toss around hyperbole as is so often done in this industry, we're just hours away from what could accurately and justifiably be called the biggest match of your entire career, and possibly what will be the defining moment for your legacy. As of late you and Hardbody Harris have been inseperable, but as zero hour approaches you're brooding in the private confines of your locker room. What's going on in your head right now?
CA: It's funny you should ask, Not Exactly Sexy But... nah. It's funny you should ask. Let me ask you something. Do you know what it feels like to be the third wheel?
NESBSPOIAISOWFJ: I'm not exactly sure what you mean.
CA: You know... you've got a friend, and you're supposed to go hang out. And your friend forgets and makes plans with someone else that they'd rather spend time with than you. And then you show up while your friend is getting ready to do her thing, and she doesn't really want you there, but she feels obligated to keep her commitment to you, so you end up going to hang out with two people who'd really rather you were doing something else. That's me. I'm the third wheel in this match.
NESBSPOIAISOWFJ: I don't understand why you feel that way, Chris.
CA: This match was never supposed to be a triple threat. I was never supposed to win four matches against Hardbody. It was supposed to be the number one face in the OOWF against the number one heel in the OOWF in my ceaseless enemy, Niles Anderson, at the number one show of the year for the OOWF. I was never intended to be a part of the equation. But along the way, fate intervened. Hardbody and I were too evenly matched for him to put me away quickly, and then Niles hit the panic button and tried to take us both out. Suddenly the Rick was left with a Mongolian clusterfuck to clean up and viola, here I am. And I read this magazine and I read the internet and there's not a soul alive aside from myself and my mom that think I stand a ghost of a chance of walking out of Hell on Earth as the OOWF Champion. My baby sister and my very own GIRLFRIEND are rooting for Hardbody Harris and my dad said "son, I sure do think you're a great wrestler, future Hall of Famer for sure, but Niles Anderson never loses". Yeah, my own old man is betting the farm and it's not for me. I'd be lying if I said that doesn't sting a little. I found some little website run by some guy in Dayton, and you should SEE what the guys on the message board there are saying about me. Some guy called Operation Retard said "If Chris Alt walks out of Hell on Earth as the new World Heavyweight Champion, I will stop watching OOWF altogether."
NESBSPOIAISOWFJ: Ouch.
CA: Yeah, but his favorite wrestler is Beast, so I think that guy isn't playing with all 64 Crayolas in the box, if you know what I mean. Then there's some guy named TarHeelMike who just thinks "Johnny Adrenaline smearing the Superfriends from one side of the ring to the other was the best thing I've ever seen. I can't wait until Niles Anderson kicks both their asses at Hell on Earth". And some guy called BigFatGoalie said "I could live with Harris as the champion, but Alt as the champ would be a disgrace and he'd never draw a dime." The only guy on that whole site that seems to be rooting for me is some kid in some redneck infested hillbilly state. Chris Is Something or other, I can't even remember anymore. But you know what? I'm not discouraged. The more negative press I read about my chances going into this match, the more it lights a fire under my ass. The more I'm labeled as the clear and present underdog, the more amped I become to win this thing and win it decisively. I've been an underdog my whole life. It's all old hat to me. I've always been told "you don't have the right look to make it in the OOWF". "You're too small to win the OOWF championship". "You're just not in Niles Anderson's league". And everytime someone has told me I can't do something, I turn around and I get it done. Just look at how far I've come since January. I entered the OOWF as a complete unknown as part of a tag team with Carl Coolname. Look at me nine months later: I'm in the main event at the biggest pay-per-view in this entire business, and half the people watching this don't know who the hell Carl Coolname IS. Since I've come into the OOWF, a lot of rookies have come in behind me, but not a single one has come close to achieving the level of success that I have. I've beat Microplay. I've beat Canadian Dragon. I've beat Mark Vander. I've beat Donovan Viper. I've beat Hardbody Harris and if I had a dollar for everytime I've beat Niles Anderson I could buy myself a diamond sweater. I've accomplished so much in such a short period of time, but if I don't win here tonight, it's all for nothing. Niles, you might be more clever than I am, and Hardbody, you may be more adored than I am, but I'm hungrier than the both of you. And Hardbody, you're my best friend, and if anybody in this locker room has as much heart as I do, it's you, buddy. But Niles has something I want, and you're standing in my way. Hardbody, know that I want to see you suceed, and if you walk out of here tonight with that title, nobody will be more proud of you than me. But from the time that bell rings, to the time the winner's hand is raised in victory, you're my opponent. All bets are off. And Hardbody, Niles, know this- when you hear the referee's hand tap the mat for the third time in a row, the hand he will be raising and the waist he will be putting the OOWF championship around will be mine. I don't care if I'm the only one who believes in me or not- September 25th, 2005, marks the beginning of a brand new era- the era of Chris Alt wearing the OOWF championship as a badge of honor. I've given everything I have to get myself to this moment. I've fought tooth and nail, I've bled buckets, I've sweat rivers, I've cried oceans, but through it all I FOUGHT. I FOUGHT AGAINST EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING THAT GOT IN MY WAY. AND EVERYTIME- EVERYTIME- I CAME THROUGH TOUGHER. SMARTER. BETTER. Tonight, Hardbody Harris. Tonight, Niles Anderson. Tonight, I fight again. Tonight, the prize I've spent my entire life fighting for is in my grasp. Tonight, I leave this building with what is merely a belt to the two of you, but what is the embodiment of my sacrifice to me. Tonight, the era of Chris Alt will FINALLY begin.
*looking wild eyed and frighteningly intense, Chris breathes heavily as NESBSPOIAISOWFJ searches in vain for something to say. Finding nothing, she gives the camerman the signal to fade to black*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:17:33 GMT -5
*Camera fades from black to show a ladder under a spotlight.*
CD: "It's funny. Everybody wants to be in the spotlight. When I was starting out in Calgary...everybody wanted to be the next Canadian wrestler to be the measuring stick for excellence. When I was in Mexico, everybody wanted to be the next great masked wrestler. When I was in Japan...everybody wanted to show that NOBODY was better then them...."
*A quick cut shows Uncle Entity's promo."
UE: "I am no flash in the pan. I am a bruised and aching indie warrior. I didn't shoot to the top as a young stallion. I crawled by way to where I am by ignoring pain, forging prescriptions and leaving hundreds of rings covered in my blood.
I do not stick my accomplishments in people face in hopes that I will gain their respect like you do."
*The camera then cuts back to Dragon sitting on top of the ladder.*
CD: "Seems to me that for somebody who lets his actions do his talking, Uncle Entity is a little high on himself. Which is fine. I've been in the ring with him...I know he is good. But you seem to think I'm just worried about past glory. Well I'm not. I'm consumed with desire to be the best. So while you were having fun little matches, I was busting my ass going after the OOWF title. While you were trying to show what a good little generic indie punk you are, I was having 5star cage matches with Microplay.
See I'm not about past glory. I'm about who I am. See I am is the best wrestler in the OOWF. I am the king of the ladder match. I am the man who wrestled in the best match the OOWF has ever seen. I am the man who has come back from a broken neck better then ever. You want to talk about paying the price and about being willing to make the ultimate sacrafice? Well that's fine.
You go ahead and you talk the talk.
But come Sunday. When you look up at the lights after I've hit you with the Canadian Destroyer you will know what Canadian Dragon is all about."
*Camera fades to black.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:22:48 GMT -5
*Hardbody Harris and Fievel are sitting amid the broken remnants of the SUPERIOR WRESTLER trophy. Fievel is trying to wash off his red sweater, still caked in the debris from the big crash. Harris is sitting in a broken La-Z-Boy, remote in one hand, watching some old OOWF footage. He’s half-talking to Fievel, half-talking to himself.*
HH: Fievel, we’ve been hanging around together for awhile, but I haven’t really been a good surrogate father. I’m setting a bad example: beating people up, switching bodies with other people, watching porn and eating popcorn, being an openly sexual predator. I feel like I’m letting you down.
Fievel: You’re much bettuh than my owd daddy in Russia. He twied to sell me for vodka!
HH: Well, that’s a good point, but you know what? He was probably living up to his potential. No matter how bad or cruel he was, he was doing the best he could do. But you know what my problem has been, buddy? I haven’t been all I can be.
Fievel: Like the army?
HH: Heh. Kind of. No, you see, long before you came around, I was touted as the best prospect in 49 states. The exception was Kansas, but they’re so backward that they were waiting for intelligent design to create the ultimate wrestler. Anyway, I signed up for the OOWF knowing that it would be just a matter of time before I became the best in the business. And guess what? Right away I was on track to becoming the first OOWF champion ever. I won matches against The Biscuit, Blackdragon, and Underdawg to compete in the first ever match for the title. And look what happened?
HH: Those hands were Underdawg’s, and right away I had a faction trying to put me away, not to mention the cheating antics of Microplay to deal with. From day 1, I was targeted.
Fievel: That wasn’t vewy nice!
HH: No, no it wasn’t! A little while later, I’d get BOTH Underdawg and Microplay in the same ring with a chance to avenge my loss FROM THE CONFINES OF YOUR DOMICILE.. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Rolling footage…
I may not have been in a position to win the match, but I still hadn’t been pinned. In and around that time I’d beat Microplay in non-title matches or I’d win by DQ or countout, but he never pinned me. Still hasn’t. And Microscrotum still claims he’s better than me.
Fievel: What’s a scrotum?
HH: Uh, don’t worry about it. I think it’s some rare strain of flu. Regardless, despite a few opportunities, I did have the chance of a lifetime at OOWF DANCE OF DEATH. I just had to pin one man to win the belt. Let’s watch:
HH: I had been taken out of the match by a wicked high spot by Canadian Dragon. And again, I wasn’t a factor in the finish. I’ve just never been able to make it in the ring to break up covers. Something always happens to me. Regardless, Viper became champ and in order to win the title, I had to go to go toe to toe with the one man who would probably like to pin me in more than one way (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Fievel: You mean like a magistwawl cwadle or a whoah-up or a backswide?
HH: Huh? Oh, yeah, just like those. Anyway, I finally got a one-on-one shot at the title on TV at a Midweek Mayhem in February. And I really thought the time was mine. But guess what happened? See for yourself.
HH: The title was MINE, Fievel. I had it won. And then that rat-bastard goes and cheats with his Death Elbow. Fievel, this was during the time that you had gone away. I was becoming a mess, becoming consumed by the title. I needed that belt more than anything.
Fievel: You were weawy scarewee. That’s a wot of bwood.
HH: I know. But I wasn’t finished yet. The next week, on the March 9th Midweek Mayhem, I had another chance. This time, I wanted to be sure. But of course, it didn’t go my way. JUST PUSH PLAY!
HH: Underdawg made things good with me by doing his best to do the right thing. But, again, I was cheated out of the belt. This caused me to go temporarily insane, and I made a promise that the next chance I got I would win the title. It was either the belt…or my sanity. I was clearly desperate, and Viper cut the OOWF Award-winning promo of the year for that match. Hell, I was so upset I kicked SFJ out of my locker room. So, at OOWF Madness, live on PPV, I did my best not to live up to the event name. But it was inevitable: I was going mad.
HH: After that match, I had lost that loving feeling. Whoah, that loving feeling. I had enough of being cheated, of refs getting knocked out, of low blows and grabbing the tights, of interference and getting blindsided. The OOWF title wasn’t worth it. I had to leave.
And then, partly because of you, I came back. I had regained that loving feeling. I had enough of being the Wizard of Hard and decided I needed to beat people up again. It’s what I do. Blood and Laughs. But you know what? Since I came back at the end of May, I haven’t had a title shot. I’ve beat Canadian Dragon. I’ve gotten revenge on Ax-Man and Cole. Beast and I had one HELL of a weird-feud, and I emerged as THE SUPERIOR WRESTLER. Your Uncle Chris and I have become Best Friends and fought the series of the year. And you know what all this has been for, Fievel?
Fievel: A shot at the Title at OOWF Hell on Earth?
HH: Uh, yeah. I guess it was painfully obvious. Anyway, Niles Anderson and I have never been in the ring together for a title match. His cronies think they can get in my way by basically killing Chris and I and destroying our house, our trophy, our spirit. And it almost worked.
But Niles has never seen the fury of a Hardbody scorned. Fievel, tomorrow night is the climax to my career. ONE YEAR of torture, of pain, of wins, of losses, near-wins and stunning, heartbreaking upsets. 52 WEEKS of coming just short, being robbed, going to the hospital, and wondering if it was all worth it. 365 DAYS of wanting just one thing. So many matches, so much blood lost. So many friendships. So many enemies made. So many dreams deferred.
*Hardbody wheels away from Fievel and faces the invisible Ninja Cameraman*
HH: But you know what? The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, THE ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR will be worth it in the span of a three count. Chris, I love you buddy. You’re the only one I’ve told everything to, and I’ll give you a shot at the title whenever you want. But Sunday, September 25th is about THE #1 FACE IN THE OOWF! It’s the biggest match on the most important card in OOWF history. It’s only fitting that the one person who has risked his life—and afterlife—to get to the top of the mountain should stand over everyone when the time has come. Adrenaline? Stay the hell away. Attitude? Don't even think about it. Niles, I’m gunning for you. One TO BE EDITED IN LATER~! and you’ll be 100% Pure Mush. The match may be a Hell On Earth, but in the end, it’s going to be Heaven for Hardbody.
*Hardbody stares intently at the camera as we zoom in on the #1 PUPILS IN THE OOWF! And…we’re out.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:23:13 GMT -5
[Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are sitting backstage before Hell on Earth.]
JA: Now what are we gonna do? Our shipment got ripped off. It's like we're Venezuelan drug dealers or something!
AA: [watching the end of HH's promo on the monitor] Johnny, what's with all these serious promos? First BlackDragon, then Alt, then Harris.
JA: Well, it's the biggest show of the year. You think we should cut a serious promo?
AA: Well, maybe, but how serious? We have a gimmick to protect here.
JA: Hell, I don't know.
AA: How's this? Endo, Morte... double dog collar cage match... you boys are gonna lose... How was that?
JA: Hmmm... that was good enough.
AA: Good, let's go steal back some of our goods.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:23:37 GMT -5
<OOWF backstage at the Hell on Eart PPV>
SFJ#42: I'm here with Westgaar and Wilder of wCw, one of the hottest tag teams in the OOWF...Guys, your thoughts on your match tonight?
Westgaard: I'm sure you want us to give some cool catch-phrase right now, tell you how we're looking forward to facing off with the Devil's Brigade again - you know what? We aren't.
Wilder: Damn - O'Neill, Camby, how many times have we DONE this already? We get a match against the Brigade, you jump us, we beat you in a match?
Westgaard: Hey, we never said it wasn't fun the first couple of times. The look on your faces when the kid pinned you the FIRST TIME we tagged together was pretty priceless. But that's history. And we never planned on making you two our life's work.
Wilder: You guys might want to keep playing in the pre-lims, but the Birdman and I, we've been working our way up the ranks. We want the top spot. And yet every time we turn around....
Westgaard: There you guys are. It's like turning on the light and catching the cockroaches out in the open. I don't know what your fascination is with us...
Wilder: Unless you guys are spending more time with Viper than is healthy....
Westgaard: But this is it chumps. The Last Battle of Dayton. Win, lose or draw, we're done screwing around with you guys. We're even willing to do this barbed wire cage match to get you punks to hear the message. We've got titles to hunt. And you aren't part of that picture.
Wilder: We saw your bit, posers. We've "awakened the beast" and "we'll see the Devils Brigade in it's true form..." You've said it before. And you to are a couple of dangerous dudes - when you can blow the guy up in a car, jump guys from behind, terroize some girl, or get Viper and Corax to loan you some backbone. But head to head, face up? You can't get it done. And the whole OOWF has seen it.
Westgaard: I'm glad to hear you've been working out Camby. Get juiced up real good. Feel the burn. Cause you and your boyfriend are al alone this time. Corax has got his own problems in Ultimate Hell, and Viper has to deal with Vander - and still watch his back for the Big Dog. You guys have pissed off Jack and 'Crete, the Aussies - pretty much everyone in the OOWF. This time, you got no friends and no help. And we've come a long way since that first match.
Wilder: O'Niell, do I have to throw you off of a 15' high cage or something? Wait - we did that already! Barbed wire? Shit! Dude, I've road rashed on ashpalt at 75 mph. You got nothing I haven't already seen. You figured I'm the weak link - the rookie, the "wannabe" X Games guys. Guess what. Head driven into the street, chair wrapped around my head, jumped from behind, kicked in the balls, and lately squished by some fat guy on the floor - AND I ONLY CLIMB HIGHER!
You guys look at that 15' high cage, you see a prison. A place to get out of. Not me.
15' is the LAUNCH PAD.
This "wannabe" is going to go up another notch! Enjoy the ride punks - cause the stop at the end is gonna be a BITCH.
C'mon Birdman! It's time to get WILDER!
Westgaard: Devil's Brigade - Last time. Make it count. After this, wCw is going for GOLD.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:24:01 GMT -5
[Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster are wandering the arena looking for anybody who might have grabbed some of their things off the delivery truck.]
Attitude Adjuster: [looking at his watch] Is our match up yet? We've been killing time for what seems like days now.
Johnny Adrenaline: I don't know. Until we're up though, I'd like to find that stuff.
[AA shrugs and the Chickenshit Heels go about their business.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:24:26 GMT -5
*Drink & Destroy walk out to the ring surrounded by an empty stadium.*
Stank: I guess we're early. You want to cut a promo?
FFC: Now's as good a time as any I guess.
*Stank turns to invisible ninja cameraman.*
Stank: Moosehead Jack and Crete, Congratualtions. Now comes the hard part, beating us and two other teams. First we have the Aussies who don't realize that all the babelfish in the world isn't gonna help them in this match. Then there's the Set, who will feel our wrath one more time.
*FF Capslock turns to invisible ninja cameraman*
FFC: And if THAT wasn't enough...
Invisible Ninja Cameraman: OK THAT'S IT!
*Drink & Destroy look toward the cameraman*
INCM: I'm INVISIBLE guys! You AREN'T supposed to be able to SEE me! HOW COME EVERYBODY CAN SEE ME IF I'M INVISIBLE?
FFC: Dude your camera isn't invisble.
INCM: Huh... oh... how about that. Sorry. Carry on then.
Stank: No. You've ruined the mood. Forget it. it's over. We're out.
INCM: No WAIT! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Go ahead. Start over.
FFC: No you messed it up. Forget it. That's a live feed. Everyone is watching right now. Just fade to black and we'll just leave.
INCM: Guys look I'm sorry. I feel terrible. Let me make it up to you.
Stank: Hmmm. You'd make a pretty good spy if you can keep your mouth shut.
INCM: You're right... hold on... let me just turn this dial here...
Fade to black
INCM: Ok. who do you want me to spy on?
FFC: The light is still on. Did you get the mic?
INCM: Oh... sorry about th...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:26:40 GMT -5
OOWF Hell on Earth PPV Live, From Dayton, Ohio!
Ross: Welcome to OOWF Hell On Earth! Razz I cannot believe it has been a whole year since OOWF opened their doors, I gotta say it has been one hell of a year. Razz: It has been a fantastic year Ross, we have seen so many fantastic matches, great rivalries, I wouldn’t even know where to start explaining it all Ross: Tonight is certainly no exception, from top to bottom, this may be one of the greatest pay per view line ups I have ever seen. Each and every OOWF title is being defended, and some scores are finally being settled Razz: This is the Grand Daddy of them all! Don’t let that other promotion fool you, this is the culmination of a year of great action, here in the OOWF we have some of the greatest competitors in wrestling Ross: And it seems fitting that we start with one of the strengths of the OOWF, the tag team division, this match is a little different than the rest though Razz Razz: It sure is, The Evil Wizard formed his crew a few months ago and things seemed to be going pretty well. As the weeks have gone on it became apparent that SoulDragon did not want to sign up with Wizard, that has caused some tension between Dragon and Mercury and the rest of the Wizard’s crew. Ross: To the point that they came to blows last week at MidWeek Mayhem, I never thought I would see it come to that, but here we are
DR. MURDER & MIKEY STYNER vs. SOULDRAGON & MERCURY
Murder and Mikey get into the ring first accompanied by The Evil Wizard. Dragon and Mercury charge the ring, SD has his trusty cinder block, Mercury carries a chair. They hit the ring and all four men go nose to nose. SD threatens Mikey, Wizard and Murder, they just cross their arms and large smiles spread across their faces. SD looks confused, turns to look at his partner, and eats a steel chair right to the face! Dragon hits the mat and grabs his face in pain, as he writhes in pain on the mat, Murder, Mikey and Mercury high five each other. Wizard urges them on, Murder pulls SD to his feet and they destroy him with another chair shot. They lay the chair across SD’s face and Mikey drops a massive leg down across the chair. Mercury pulls SD up and Dr. Murder hits him with the FlatLine. Mercury climbs the ropes and hits a top rope dragon sault. As if it couldn’t get worse, Mikey Styner pulls a helpless SD to his feet, Dragon’s mask is soaked with blood, Styner head buts SD repeatedly until SD can not stand on his own, then pulls him back up and KILLS him with a massive running power bomb. SD convulses on the mat, blood trickling from his mouth. The Evil Wizard mounts him and slaps him across the face several times and screams “NO ONE REFUSES THE WIZARD!” Before they can permanently disable SD, Blackdragon rushes to the ring with a chair, even though the numbers favor them, The Wizard’s crew decides they have had enough and leave the ring WINNER – No Contest
Ross: IT WAS A DAMN SETUP! It was a set up all along! Why though? Why Razz? Razz: Well, from what I hear in the back, Mercury wanted to go solo and chase the Intercontinental title, and SoulDragon insisted on keeping the team together, I am not saying it is the right way to handle things, but what else could you really do? Ross: This is the second time a partner has turned his back on SoulDragon, what is it with this guy? I think he needs to avoid the tag ranks Razz: He is very intense, VERY intense, and sometimes when he gets focused on something, there is just no dissuading him from his goals. That may end up being the worst thing that could happen to Mercury and the rest of the Wizard’s crew, they have awoken the proverbial sleeping giant here Ross: That is certainly a distinct possibility. Razz up next we have a ladder match to determine who gets the first shot at the Onslaught Champion at the October 5th MidWeek Mayhem. Usually I am a firm supporter of Canadian Dragon, I think he is a magnificent athlete, but there does seem to be some merit in Uncle Entity’s claims that he is looking past him toward the Onslaught championship Razz: I am a big fan of Dragon as well, but his attitude has really changed here as of late, he is hung up on the fact that he is a former world champion. Around here there are a lot of people that are former champions, that doesn’t entail you to anything. He needs to focus on Uncle Entity NOW if he wants to become the Onslaught Champion LATER Ross: Well said Razz, let’s head to the ring
CANADIAN DRAGON vs. UNCLE ENTITY – Ladder match
The ladder sits in the middle of the ring, at the top of the ladder, suspended by a chain is a briefcase containing the contract for the winner to face the Onslaught champion at the October 5th MidWeek Mayhem. Both Entity and Dragon examine the ladder and look at the briefcase as the ref rings the bell, we are under way. Both men circle to lock up, Dragon nails Entity wit ha spin kick to the side of the head and throws him out of the ring, and scurries up the ladder trying to get to the brief case. Entity hits the floor, and without hesitation gets back up to the apron, spring boards off the top rope and drop kicks the ladder sending it and Canadian Dragon flying to the mat. Entity grabs the ladder and stands it back up in the center of the ring and climbs about half way up and turns back around. As Canadian Dragon gets to his feet, Entity leaps off the ladder and drops a knee down across CD’s shoulder! CD hits the mat and writhes in pain; Entity looks pleased and throws CD out of the ring to the floor. Since this match is not being fought under Onslaught Rules, Entity follows him to the outside and whips CD into the ring steps shoulder first. CD hits the stairs and screams in agony. Entity then pulls him up and shoves him shoulder first into the steel ring post. Entity slides half way into the ring, then turns around and slides back to the outside. Entity picks up Canadian Dragon and gives him a vicious shoulder breaker on the floor. CD writhes in pain on the floor and UE makes his way back into the ring and begins to climb the ladder. Canadian Dragon is quickly to his feet on the outside. Somehow fighting through the pain, he slides into the ring and begins climbing the ladder on the opposite side. CD is in obvious pain, and one arm hangs limply by his side. As both men get to the top of the ladder, they trade punches, both trying to knock the other off the ladder. CD starts to get the best of it, but then UE punches him in the injured shoulder. CD clings to the ladder desperately. UE climbs one rung higher and tries to retrieve the brief case. CD springs up and hits UE with an enzuguri! CD falls off the ladder and lands hard on his injured shoulder, Uncle Entity falls backward off the ladder and hits the mat hard, all his breath gone, he gasps for air. With both men down, the ref starts a ten count. CD manages to get to his feet at nine, so the match continues. Both men spend the next several minutes trying to kill each other with the ladder, Entity is busted wide open when CD catches him wit ha drop tow hold that sends him face first into the ladder, then he follows it up by putting UE’s head between the legs of the ladder and leg dropping them closed. Entity gets his revenge when CD charges him in the corner, UE moves, CD slams injured shoulder first into the corner, UE then grabs CD and chicken wing release suplexes him onto the ladder. CD lands head and shoulder first on the ladder, ripping a hole in his mask and opening a gash in his forehead, as well as possibly dislocating his shoulder. The end comes after over thirty minutes of action. Once again, both men are at the top of the ladder, struggling to hold on and knock the other off. UE swings wildly, CD leans back and avoids the punch, grabs UE’s head and slams him down head first onto the top of the ladder. UE and CD are both perched on the top most rung of the ladder when CD leaps in the air and in one fluid motion grabs UE in a hurracarana and manages to flip him off the top of the ladder and send him crashing to the mat. CD manages to somehow hold on to the top of the ladder, miraculously, and he pulls himself up and reaches up and grabs the briefcase! WINNER in 33:28 Canadian Dragon
After the match, Canadian Dragon slowly climbs down the ladder and falls to the mat clutching at his shoulder. Uncle Entity recovers and gets to his feet. Once he realizes that he has lost the match and the title shot that goes along with it, he snaps and attacks CD, locking him in the chicken wing and wrenching the injured shoulder. CD screams in pain and tries to fight out of it, but eventually it appears that he loses consciousness. Officials flood the ring and finally pull UE off of Dragon, but not before the damage has been done.
Ross: What a phenomenal effort by Canadian Dragon! The man basically had one arm through out the bulk of that match! Razz: The interesting thing will be to see what the cost of victory is, Entity was really putting the torque on that arm, he could have easily popped that out of socket, and who knows what damage was done during the match itself! Ross: It is a shame that Uncle Entity felt the need to attack and ruin what was essentially a spectacular match from both men. I have to wonder if GM the Rick is going to come down on him for this? Razz: Well, GM the Rick has not exactly been handing out punishments like candy has he? And I for one am glad of that, these are grown men, let them handle things their own way, we don’t need the GM babysitting them Ross: I agree to a point there Razz, but he may have injured Canadian Dragon on purpose, and cost him a chance at the title on October 5th, there has to be some kind of punishment for that Razz: Well there is nothing saying that he can’t push the match back due to injury, let’s jest see what happens. Ross: It appears our crew is nearly set up for our next match, and Razz, I have been in this business for over thirty years, and this is BY FAR the most bizarre match I have ever seen it is a Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage Surrounded by a Moat of Lava with Lava Breathing Sharks in It and a Giant Safe Over the Ring That Will Fall When the Time-Limit is Up with Special Guest Referees, Shawn Michaels, Zombie Sharkboy, and Zombie Lava Girl. I don’t even know WHERE to start in explaining that one. Razz: I don’t think it would really do any good to try and explain this match to anyone, put it this way, these two hate each other, and will do absolutely anything they can to destroy each other, ladders, cages, lava, sharks, whatever it takes, just pile it on! Ross: Well, like I said, words fail me in this one, so without further adieu, let’s head to the ring for this one
BEAST vs. PHIL – Little Giant Ladder Match for the iParrot, Inside a 15 foot Blue Steel Cage Surrounded by a Moat of Lava with Lava Breathing Sharks in It and a Giant Safe Over the Ring That Will Fall When the Time-Limit is Up with Special Guest Referees, Shawn Michaels, Zombie Sharkboy, and Zombie Lava Girl
During the 45 minutes it takes the ring crew to set up for the next match, a video package plays outlining Beast and Phil's epic feud.
The arena goes dark, except for a glowing moat of lava around the ring. Suddenly, the arena lights flash on and "Sexy Boy" the music of Shawn Michaels hits! Everyone looks to the ramp but HBK isn't there! A single spotlight illuminates Michaels as he streaks down a zip-line above the crowd. From behind him, the Giant Safe zips down the same line. Panicking, Shawn attempts to release his hook, bit it's too late. The Giant Safe smashes into the Show Stopper and snaps his line, sending him flipping face first into the top of the 15 Foot Blue Steel Cage and then down into the moat of lava. The crown gasps in horror as the Lava Breathing Sharks pounce on him and drag him under. His screams fade beneath the hot, fiery magma. The Safe opens and Zombie Lava Girl and Zombie Sharkboy leap out and down to the ring below. Beneath the safe on a hook, in a small birdcage, the iParrot is perched.
"The Number of the Beast" plays over the loudspeakers and Beast makes his way to the ring. The first two rows of fans are fanning themselves furiously from the heat. Beast is covered in bandages from where Phil had burned him with lava. He leaps from the entrance ramp to the open door of the 15 Foot Blue Steel Cage. As he grabs the bars, a sizzling sound echoes in his ears. The lava has made the cage burning hot! "Vast" booms over the speakers and Phil charges down the ramp with his bag full of Little Giant Ladders over his shoulder. He hits a button on his jet pack and flies right over the top of the cage and into the ring! Four large digital counters on all 4 sides of the safe flash a series of numbers until they stop on 10:00! If Beast and Phil don't finish this match in under ten minutes, they and the iParrot will be utterly crushed!
The bell sounds and Phil throws the bag of ladders right at Beast's face! Phil extends his robo-legs and robo-arms in an attempt to reach the iParrot right off the bat. Beast quickly digs into the bag, removes a Little Giant Ladder and swings it at Phil's legs. Inches away from grabbing the iParrot, Phil falls to the mat crushing Zombie Lava Girl! Shaking the bag, Beast dumps out the other three ladders and then pulls Phil off of the mat. Zombie Lava Girl's limp and broken undead husk peels from Phil's torso, slips trough a gap in the cage and into the moat. We're down to one ref! 9:34 shows on the counter as Best Irish whips Phil across the ring and then meets him with a clubbing clothesline on the rebound. Beast stomps continually on Phil's metal torso doing more damage to his foot than anything else. Beast picks Phil back up and Irish whips him again. This time Phil reverses it and as Beast bounces off of the ropes, Phil monkey flips him across the ring and into the side of the cage! The searing hot cage burns a grid-like pattern into Beast's back. Phil picks up a Little Giant Ladder and folds it into a standard, inverted V shape and begins to climb towards the iParrot. Beast jumps to his feet and charges the ladder trying to knock it over, but it's just too sturdy! Instead, Beast grabs at Phil's leg and yanks him off the ladder. Phil attempts to extend his robo-arms again, but as he does, Beast grabs them and ties them each into a knot! Beast begins to climb the ladder as Phil realizes that his arms can't extend. Phil sets up another Little Giant Ladder next to Beast's and he begins to climb. They both reach the top, but realize that the iParrot is still out of reach. They begin to punch each other at the top of the ladders each landing powerful blows until Phil gains the advantage. Hit after hit, the crowd chants YAR! YAR! YAR! YAR! as Phil pounds Beast's face. Beast falls from the top of his Little Giant Ladder down to the mat below and Phil signals to the crowd... he's going for the Ninjitsu Drop! HE HITS IT! The moonsault leg drop from the top of the ladder takes a lot out of both men and they both lay unmoving on the mat. The counter now reads 6:43 as Zombie Sharkboy begins to slowly and gruntingly count both men down. At 8 both men rise to their feet. Each grabs one of the other two ladders and begins to smash their opponent with it. Phil is staggered backwards by the blows and drops his ladder. Beast continues his assault until Phil is down to one knee. Beast drops his ladder on top of Phil's and suplexes Phil onto them both. The cage has now gone from blue to bright red, as the heat from the moat begins to melt the bars. The first two rows of fans have even burst into flames! Beast ignores this while he builds a very tall, 4-sided pyramid out of the four Little Giant Ladders. He begins to climb as Phil rises to his feet. Phil climbs up the other side of the pyramid and reaches the top before Beast. Beast grabs Phil's legs and manages to tie them both into knots as well! Phil kicks Beast repeatedly in the face as he sits at the top. Beast slides half way down the structure but manages to shake it enough on the way down to crotch Phil at the top. Phil slides down the pyramid between Beast and the ladder he is holding. At the bottom, he grabs Beast's legs and hits the running Pirate Booty Bomb! Beast hits the mat with such impact that he launches over the lumps of melted cage and into the lava! The big clock now reads 3:02 as Phil leaps down into the lava pummeling Beast with rights and lefts. Beast's bubbling, skin smokes as his bandages light on fire. Unphased, Beast kicks Phil in the crotch and then hits the BIG MONSTER HAMMER CLUB O'DEATH, knocking him straight down into the lava. Phil floats by a section of smoldering spectators as Beast begins to climb back into the ring. Suddenly, out of the lava a Lava Breathing Shark leaps at Beast and crunches into his arm. Beast grabs special guest referee Zombie Sharkboy by the leg and uses him to beat the Lava Breathing Shark off of him. Charred skin flakes off of Beast's arm as the Shark lets go. Zombie Sharkboy moans in discontent as Beast drops him into the lava. Now THAT'S a ref bump! Bleeding and on fire, Beast looks up at the clock... 1:00 left! He crawls over to the exceptionally sturdy Little Giant Ladder pyramid he constructed. He slowly begins to climb. One rung. Two rungs. Three rungs. Phil rises from the lava. Four rungs. Five rungs. :45. Phil climbs into the ring. Six rungs. Beast slips! Five rungs. Six rungs. Phil grabs onto Beast's leg and thousands of iParrot Nanos pour out of Phil's zombie skin and onto Beast. :30. Beast kicks Phil in the face and frees himself. Seven rungs. Eight rungs. Nine rungs. The iParrot Nanos are digging into Beast's nostrils, ears and eyes. He can't see. He can't hear. He can barely breathe. :15. Ten rungs. Eleven rungs. Twelve rungs. Beast is at the top! He reaches up, unable to sense the iParrot at all, his heart pounding in his head. The clock hits zero! An explosive bolt detaches the Giant Safe from the zip line and it begins to fall! Beast blindly grabs for the iParrot dangling below the cage and leaps from the ladder. He hits the mat below as the Giant Safe crushes the normally sturdy Little Giant Ladders. Beast cringes, awaiting the impact... but it doesn't come. He looks up and the faint image of Phil stands above him. A blue beam is shooting from Phil's hand and the Giant Safe is floating, suspended in mid air! "Yar, didja get the iParrot?" Beast unclenches his arms from his chest and reveals the iParrot in his hands!!! "Yeah. I did. Shit-dick." WINNER - Beast in 10:00?
Phil looks up at the Giant Safe. "Yar." Phil waves his hand sending the Giant Safe crashing through the roof of the arena. Phil then picks Beast up, helping him carefully to his feet. Phil extends his hand to Beast. Beast stares at him in disbelief, trying to work up enough saliva to spit at his opponent. Suddenly, Phil kicks Beast in the stomach causing Beast to drop the iParrot! Phil fires up his jetpack, grabs Beast and hits the Undead Astro Plunder Buster!!! Phil picks the iParrot up and sets it on his shoulder. He waves his hands, casting a powerful resurrection spell. The spirit of HBK floats out of the lava and rematerializes in the ring. HBK looks around, sees Beast a crumpled mess on the mat and Phil standing triumphantly over him, with an iParrot on his shoulder! Shawn Michaels raises Phil's hand and declares him the winner!!! OOFFICIAL WINNER - Phil in 10:55.
Ross: I am honestly not sure what I have just seen Razz: I think we just saw Phil beat Beast and win back his iParrot Ross: Yeah, I realize that much, but other than that….. Razz: Look, it’s probably best not to analyze it, keep telling yourself it was Flair Steamboat and you will be fine Ross: Was that the ghost of Shawn Michaels? Razz: Shhh shhh, it’s ok Ross, let’s move on ok? Ross: Ok Razz, that’s a good idea. Next we have a match I have been looking forward to since it was announced Razz: A double dog collar chain cage match, boy Ross, you would approve of any match that saw Johnny Adrenaline suffer in wouldn’t you? Ross: I have never seen a man with a more sever case of the limber tail, and that goes for his partner in crime Attitude Adjuster as well, they are both slippery as a snake in baby oil Razz: Now there is a mental image. This match all stems from Niles Anderson’s ultimatum to The Establishment to choose sides between Niles and Moose, it appears that The Establishment has chosen Moose, and that has not sat well with Niles at all Ross: These two teams have gone to great lengths to injure one another, it was just a little over a week ago that they tried to maim each other in a Sioux Warrior Strap Match, and now this, when will it stop? Razz: I assume when one of these two teams can no longer draw a breath, I have a feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg
JOHNNY ADRENALINE & ATTITUDE ADJUSTER vs. THE ESTABLISHMENT – Double Dog Collar Chain Cage Match
Johnny and AA get inside the cage and a stare down before the four men ensue, the ref approaches with the double dog collars and chains Endo and Morte first. It appears to dawn on Johnny and AA that they will be chained TO their opponents for the match, suddenly they are not quite so cocky, Johnny heads for the door, and AA starts to scale the cage. Endo runs over to AA and pulls him off of the cage, crotching him on the top rope. While AA sits on the top rope grimacing in pain, the ref secures the collar around his neck. Meanwhile, Johnny is arguing with the ring side attendant, trying to get him to open the door, the attendant refuses and padlocks the door shut. A drop kick to the back of the head from Morte sends Johnny face first into the door; he staggers backward and falls to the mat where the referee secures the collar around his neck chaining him to Morte. The ref calls for the bell and this one is under way. Endo clotheslines AA off the top rope, Morte pulls Johnny to the middle of the ring, wraps the chain around his fist, mounts Johnny and pounds away. AA gets to his feet and tries to flee, but Endo whips him across the back with the chain raising nasty welts. Endo backs AA into the corner and lays some brutally stiff Flair chops. Once again AA tries to escape, but Endo pulls him back on the chain and slams him head first into the cage. Meanwhile, Morte gets off of Johnny and pulls him to his feet and runs HIM face first into the cage. Both Johnny and AA are bloody messes by now. Johnny and AA are both on their knees in the middle of the ring begging off, as Endo and Morte both close in on their prey, Johnny and AA both hit low blows. Endo and Morte collapse to the mat in pain. Johnny and AA get to their feet, high five each other and proceed to fall on their opponents and pummel them mercilessly. AA and Johnny both loop the chain around their fists and pound away, Johnny wraps the chain around Morte’s neck and chokes him. AA attempts to lock on the claw on Endo, but Endo fights it for all he is worth. Endo slowly overpowers AA and reverses the hold, locking the claw on AA! Double A screams in pain, Johnny gets to his feet and tries to make the save, but Morte grabs the chain and pulls Johnny backward off of his feet. AA is desperately looking for a way out, and losing consciousness to boot. Endo is on top of AA claw firmly locked in place. Morte pulls Johnny toward him, as Morte gets up to his feet, he tries a spin kick on Johnny, Johnny ducks the kick and shoves Morte into the corner where Endo has AA trapped. Morte slams into Endo, smacking his face on the back of Endo’s skull, as Morte staggers backward, Johnny nails him with a reverse DVD and tries to make a cover, he gets a two count, but a dazed Endo makes the save. Endo pulls Johnny to his feet and pounds away. In the corner behind him, AA regains his senses and charges out of the corner with the chain wrapped around his fist, at the last second Endo side steps and AA slams the chain wrapped fist right into Johnny’s head. As Johnny falls Morte rolls him up in a school boy and gets a two count, somehow AA manages to kick Morte and break the pin. The battle rages on, all four men are hideous bloody messes. Johnny and AA both have bloody welts across their backs from getting whipped. Endo is bleeding from his right ear, and Morte appears to be bleeding from the mouth, although it is hard to tell. The end comes when Endo and AA are tangled up between the ropes and the cage, they have the chain wrapped around each other’s heads and are taking turns slamming each other’s heads into the cage. Morte and Johnny are on the top of the opposite corner turnbuckle, Johnny tries a top rope Adrenaline Rush, but Morte fights out of it with shots to the ribs. Both men stand on the top of the turnbuckle, precariously using the cage to balance themselves, Morte gets the better of it with a series of kicks to Johnny’s legs and torso, finishing him off with a tajiri kick to the face that sends Johnny falling backward into the ring. Morte then regains his balance and tries a top rope leg drop; Johnny grabs the chain and pulls Morte off the top rope and NAILS Morte in the face with the chain as he falls from the top. Johnny crawls over and drapes his arm across Morte and gets a three count. WINNERS in 44:29 Johnny Adrenaline & Attitude Adjuster
Endo and AA were so hopelessly tangled that neither could even move to make the save, so they continue to pound on each other; eventually they both wrap the chain around their hands and lock the CLAW on each other! After several minutes of this, they are both slumped on the mat, trapped between the cage and the mat, out cold, bloody masses of chain and torn flesh. In the middle of the ring, Johnny laughs to himself as he lays looking up at the lights, after a few seconds, his eyes roll into the back of his head as he looses consciousness.
Ross: THE HUMANITY! Razz: Ross, I consider myself a pretty jaded guy, and this was hard for even me to watch. These four men may never be the same again Ross: My hatred for Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster is certainly well known, but even I have to give them a little respect after this match. They had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide and they actually stayed and fought, and won. This is especially hard for me to say, but my hats off to them. I certainly hope all four men get the medical help they most definitely need Razz: Well it looks like the paramedics finally have AA and Endo freed from the tangled chain, I think they will all somehow be able to avoid the stretcher ride out of here, although I am not sure how. Ross: I fear the same may not be true for the men in our next match Razz: No, this one has career ender written all over it. Corax and Hellion flat out hate each other, which is often the reaction when two men that were as close as they were turn on one another. Ross: This is only the second Ultimate Hell match in OOWF history, the first being between Canadian Dragon and UnderDawg back at MADNESS; it took awhile for them to recover from that Razz: I am just getting word that a stipulation has been added to this match Ross: Good LORD! What could you possibly add to make this match more barbaric? Razz: It appears that at the crossed X at the uppermost cage will be a blank contract for a match of the winner’s choice to be used sometime within the calendar year! Ross: An open contract! MY GOD! Did we really need to add incentive to this match? Razz: I am not sure that will end up being such a wise idea, but hey, what’s done is done, so let’s get to it!
CORAX vs. HELLION – Ultimate Hell Match
Both men enter the inner most cage, they meet in the center of the ring and an argument ensues. Corax slaps Hellion across the face, Hellion responds in kind. Then it is on. Hellion takes Corax down and pummels him on the mat. Corax reverses and now he is beating on Hellion. Hellion slips out of it, gets to his feet and hits the ropes, as Corax stands up Hellion obliterates him with a clothesline. Hellion pulls Corax up and sends him face first into the cage. Hellion picks Corax up and drops him between the ropes, then unleashes a drop kick to the back of his head that sends Corax face slamming into the steel. A bloody spot forms on Corax mask, Hellion grabs the back of his head and grinds it into the cage mercilessly. Hellion lets go, hits the far ropes and attempts a stinger splash on Corax against the cage, but Corax moves and Hellion eats the steel. Corax gathers his senses and heads for the door, escaping outside the ring Before Corax can get far, Hellion follows him out through the door, with a suicide dive between the ropes and out through the cage door. Hellion catches Corax as he stands up and drives him back into the metal of the Hell in the Cell cage. Now both men are on the outside, Hellion once again slams Corax head into the metal, then goes under the ring for something. Hellion comes out with a barbed wire wrapped chair. As he approaches Corax, Corax ducks the swing of the chair, kicks Hellion low and DDT’S HIM ON THE BARBED WIRE CHAIR! Corax rolls Hellion over and he has been busted open in several places. Blood flows from chest wounds where the barbs tore his flesh open. Quite gruesome. Corax waits for Hellion to get to his feet and as soon as he does, he slams the chair down across his skull. Corax then warps the chair on Hellion until he is a bloody mess backed into the corner against the ring steps. Corax mocks the crows, then goes to hit Hellion with the final shot, when Hellion grabs the cage door (of the inner cage) and swings it open catching the chair and sending it flying back into Corax face! Corax falls to the floor, both men are down! The action continues like this for several minutes, both men take turns, inside the cage, outside the cage, beating the hell out of each other. Finally after over twenty minutes of abuse, Corax hits Hellion with a choke slam on the outside, and leaves the HITC and heads to the top of the cage and the open contract. Summoning amazing strength, Hellion manages to follow Corax to the top of the cage. Both men battle in the uppermost cage where the contract hangs between the crossed X. Both are bloody and exhausted. Corax kicks Hellion low and lifts him for a vertical suplex in the middle of the cage. Thinking quickly Hellion hooks his legs on the scaffolding of the X. Corax finishes the suplex and hits the cage, then looks up and sees Hellion working his way on the scaffolding toward the contract. Corax springs to his feet and grabs hold of Hellion and pulls him down, as they fall Corax falls to his knee first dropping Hellion across his knee in what amounts to a top rope back breaker. Corax sits on the top of the cage exhausted, Hellion writhes in pain clutching his back in agony. Corax gets to his feet and pulls Corax over to the side of the cage. Corax digs in his boots and produces a pair of hand cuffs. Corax pulls Hellion to his feet and cuffs him to the cage, crucifix style. Corax slaps Hellion repeatedly and forces him to watch helplessly as Corax scales the scaffolding and grabs the contract. Hellion dejectedly hangs his head as the ref calls for the bell. WINNER in 33:29 Corax
Ross: I really don’t know what to say after that, Hellion gave it everything he had and came up just a little bit short Razz: It is nothing to be ashamed of, but now the interesting thing, Corax has a guaranteed match of his choosing against anyone he wants in the OOWF, that is like, well it’s like having money in the bank or something! Ross: It certainly must be a nice feeling for Corax, I am sure the wheels have already started turning as to what he is going to do with it, do you have any guesses Razz? Razz: Nope, all I know is if it were me, I would sit on it and wait for the right moment, then use it for a title shot Ross: That seems to make the most sense. And since you brought it up, our next match features two teams that are long over due for a title shot Razz: And another set of guys who just absolutely hate one another, this is a rivalry that has existed since wCw formed Ross: They have certainly had their share of blood baths, and this one promises to bring us more of the same. This is a Last Battle of Dayton, which presumably means this is the last time these two teams will see each other, at least for a while Razz: I would assume that is what it means Ross, I know it is a barbed wire cage match, and each member of the team is allowed to bring one weapon of his choosing to the ring, because it certainly appeared that theses two teams needed weapons to intensify their hatred! Ross: I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that tonight we are not going to see too many wrestling holds, tonight is the culmination of a whole lot of hatred between a whole lot of men, I expect that by the end of the night, the streets of Dayton will be flowing red with OOWF blood
THE DEVIL’S BRIGADE vs. wCw – Last Battle of Dayton Cage Match
The Devil’s Brigade come to the cage first, Camby carries the barbed wire chair that Corax used on Hellion, Tommy brings a logging chain with him. wCw come out next, Westgaard carries his trusty hockey stick; Wilder brings a barbed wire baseball bat. Interesting. wCw gets into the ring; the outside ref locks the door. The only way to win is pin fall or submission. Westgaard storms the ring with his hockey stick, as soon as he gets in the ring Camby and O’Neil attack. JWW fights them off with his hockey stick for a minute, he hits a cross check to TO’s face that leaves him with a bloody nose. Camby stops him with a forearm to the side of the head. Before TDB can do any damage, Wilder gets into the match, from the top of the cage! Wilder dives from the top and takes out both HC and TO with a suicidal 360 WildRide. Members of TDB scatter around the cage. JW Westgaard pulls Camby up and sends him face first into the barbed wire cage. The barbs shred Camby’s face. Wilder waits for TO to get to his feet, when he does he whips him toward JWW, Westgaard catches TO, lifts him and hits a spine buster into the side of the cage. The barbs tear into TO’s back. Tommy screams in pain as Westgaard holds him there and slowly grinds him against the cage. Wilder pulls HC to his feet and tries to whip him to the ropes, but the more powerful HC reverses it and nearly decapitates TW with a clothesline. HC rushes over and slams the barbed wire chair into the back of JWW’s head, he falls to the mat and TO remains stuck gruesomely on the cage for a moment then falls off, his back a mass of bloody gashes. Camby walks over to Wilder and pulls him to his feet, then hurls him face first into the cage. HC traps Wilder in the ropes and picks up the barbed wire bat and grinds it against Tommy’s forehead until his is a bloody mess. Tommy O’Neil waits for Westgaard to get to his feet, then hits him with a wicked left hook, with his fist wrapped in the logging chain. JWW hits the mat hard, and seems to be fighting to remain conscious. TO wraps the chain around his throat and tries to choke JWW to death, as the pressure in JWW’s head increases, the blood pours more violently from the cut left by Tommy’s wicked left. TO releases Westgaard before he actually dies. Put pummels him mercilessly with the chair and chains. Meanwhile Camby releases Wilder from the ropes, Wilder’s face is a hideous mask of blood. HC backs him into the corner and unleashes some brutal chops that seem to cave Wilder’s chest in. All four men are bloody messes. The Devil’s Brigade take their time torturing Wilder and Westgaard, never once attempting a pin. The beating continues for several minutes, Westgaard and Wilder rally a few times, but TDB seem to be on top of their game and cut off any rally before it can really get started. The end appears to be imminent when Camby nearly cuts JWW in half with a spear and TO kicks TW off the top rope (Wilder had been attempting a superplex on TO) TW falls between the ropes and the cage, leaving a bloody trail down the side. Tommy hops off the top rope and grabs TW’s head and rakes it into the barbs. Tommy leaves Wilder slumped between the ropes and the cage and turns his attention to Westgaard. JWW is rocking Camby with a series of rights to the head, each time he hits Camby a fine mist of blood sprays off his face. Westgaard hits the ropes and drops Camby with a cross check. Before he can do anything else, Tommy grabs Wilder from behind and hits him with a hang man’s neck breaker. It takes all he has for TO to get up to his feet, and he helps Camby up. The Devil’s Brigade, soaked in blood, call for the Triple Six! What they fail to notice is Tommy Wilder slowly climbing up the corner of the cage. Camby gets Westgaard to his feet and hefts him up on his shoulders. Tommy O’Neil makes his way to the corner and stands on top of the turnbuckle. As he is about to grabs JWW and finish the move, Tommy Wilder gets to the top of the cage, and showing REMARKABLE balance, runs the length of the top of the cage, leaps, and takes TO off of the top rope with a frankensteiner. JWW slips off of Camby’s shoulders, spins him around and hits the ICE AUGER! JWW drapes his arm across Camby’s chest, and this one comes to a merciful end. WINNERS in 44:20 wCw
Ross: That was just difficult to watch Razz, I am not sure I have ever seen so much blood in one match in my life. Razz: That was what you call a gut check there, I would say if you were using points, The Devil’s Brigade probably would have won that one, but this ain’t the Olympics! Ross: Indeed it is not. I hope that is the last time those two teams face each other for awhile, if they keep it up, one of these times one of them is not going to walk out of the match, or the hospital for that matter Razz: Well, since they are both young up and coming teams, I have a feeling we will be seeing a whole lot more of them trying to kill each other in the future. Ross: Folks, up next we have something special for you, let’s head to the ring.
The lights dim and we hear a familiar song, but it is one we haven’t heard in a long time, the spotlight hits the curtain, and we see ECOSYSTEM, LI and GRUNT! Original members of The Establishment! They head to the ring, it appears that this will be a six man tag match, but who will they be facing? We hear Lies, by Evanescense and Blade comes out to a loud ovation. Then we hear it:
Amerrrrrrrrican Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam He's just a common man Working hard with his hands He's just a common man Working hard for the man Hey he's the American Dream Hey he's the American Dream
IT’S DUSTY SMOLEY!!!! Complete with black and yellow polka dots and hideous stomach sploch! He points to the curtain and out comes NIKITA SMARKOFF! Complete in USSR Hammer and Sickle singlet, Blade and Smarkoff start toward the ring, but Smoley stops them, once again he points to the curtain, huh? Out comes……IT’S ANTOINE CUTTER!!!! Walking with the assistance of just a cane! The place ERUPTS as Cutter escorts the three to the ring. We hear a CUT-ER CUT-ER CUT-ER chant and he waves to the crowd then takes his place safely at ring side WHAT A MOMENT!
DUSTY SMOLEY, NIKITA SMARKOFF & BLADE (w/Antoine Cutter) vs. LI, ECOSYSTEM & GRUNT
Smoley, Smarkoff and Blade get into the ring and The Establishment attack them from behind. Grunt hammers on Smoley, Eco and Blade square off and LI drops Smarkoff with some oriental thrusts. After a few seconds, the heels try a triple whip to the ropes, but Smarkoff, Smoley and Blade reverse the whips, Blade takes LI down with a spinning heel kick, Smarkoff unleashes a Russian Sickle on Eco and Smoley busts out the Atomic Elbow on Grunt! Eco and LI bail out of the ring, Grunt remains, dazed, Smoley winds up and hits the FLIP, FLOP and FLY! Grunt hits the mat and bails out to regroup with his partners. The faces celebrate in the middle of the ring and the crowd goes ape shit! Eco slides back into the ring, and it looks like it will be Eco and Blade to start things out. They lock up and Eco grabs an arm wringer and tries to pull Blade over to his corner, but Blade ducks under Eco’s arm and takes him over with a northern lights suplex, Blade bridges, but can not get the three count. Blade gets to his feet and ducks a wild swing by Eco and grabs him from behind, lifts him and hits an atomic drop that sends Eco crashing into the face corner. Blade makes the tag to Smarkoff who comes in and pounds away on Eco, then pulls him out of the corner and whips him to the ropes and attempts a back body drop, but Smarkoff lowers his head a moment too soon and Eco grabs him and kills him with a side Russian leg sweep (HA! Get it?) Eco tags in LI who comes in and waits for Smark to get up. As soon as he gets to his knees LI DESTROYS him with a tajiri kick to the face. LI covers but only gets a two count. LI pulls Smarkoff to his feet and hits a series of snap suplexes, then climbs to the top rope. As Smarkoff gets to his feet, LI leaps and nails him with a flying shining wizard! LI covers again, but Blade breaks up the pin. LI tag in the massive Grunt, who comes in and backs Smarkoff into the corner and annihilates him with some massive chops to the chest. Smarkoff staggers out of the corner, and Grunt grabs him by the throat and tries a choke slam, Smarkoff worms his way free and somehow slips behind Grunt and tries to take him over with a sunset flip, obviously that does not work, so Grunt just drops down content to crush Smarkoff’s chest, but Smarkoff moves out of the way! Grunt sits on the mat in pain; Smarkoff gets to his feet, hits the ropes and nails Grunt with a diving Russian Sickle! Smarkoff makes the tag to Smoley who comes on and drops an elbow across Grunt’s chest and makes the cover, Grunt kicks out at two. Smoley pulls Grunt to his feet, sends him to the ropes and locks on the WEAVER LOCK! Grunt struggles around the ring, but is fading fast, this brings in LI and Eco and Blade and Smarkoff and now we have a full on donny brook! Eco and Blade tangle again and Blade tosses him out of the ring. Inside, Smoley eats a LI thrust kick to the face, and of course is busted wide open! Smoley falls into the corner. Smarkoff and Blade battle Grunt and LI. On the outside Eco goes over to Antoine Cutter and doubles him over with a kick to the mid section! Eco grabs him and is going to hit an inverted Twist of fate on the floor! NO!!!!!! Inside the ring, Blade sees this and gets a running start, and springboards off the top rope and takes Eco out. Inside the ring, Grunt is back on his feet, and picks Smarkoff up and choke slams him straight to hell. LI leaves the ring to go after Blade. Grunt stalks a bloody Smoley in the corner, Antoine Cutter gets up on the apron, WHAT IS HE DOING? He gets Grunt’s attention and Grunt moves toward Cutter, AC slides his cane into the ring, where a recovered Smarkoff grabs it and SLAMS it into the back of Grunt’s head, Grunt staggers a little, then from the top rope, comes DUSTY SMOLEY with a flying cross body block!!!! I have seen everything! Elephants DO fly! Smarkoff lends a hand with the schoolboy trip, and Smoley gets the three count! WINNERS in 11:04 Dusty Smoley, Nikita Smarkoff and Blade
After the match the faces along with Antoine Cutter celebrate in the middle of the ring, the applause is deafening. As they celebrate, Ric Flair comes into the ring and gets right into Dusty Smoley’s face and yells WOOOOOOOOO! Dusty Smoley comes right back with a WOOOOOOOOO! An enraged Flair unleashes a chop on Smoley, Smoley counters with a series of atomic elbows and one more flip, flop and fly! Flair bails out of the ring and has a hissy fit on the outside ranting and raving like a lunatic, for some reason he gropes some fan in the front row, and WOOOOO’s at her before dropping an elbow on nothing in particular. Flair struts to the back, still raving like a madman.
Ross: Razz, it was just great to see some old faces again in the OOWF! And how moving was it to see Antoine Cutter walk to the ring Razz: It was an amazing sight no question about it Ross, I never thought I would see Cutter walk again, I’ll tell ya, I got goose bumps when I saw that! It was a nice nod to OOWF’s past to see these guys in the ring again. Ross: It sure was, you could say they are some of the legends that helped the OOWF get off the ground and running, and I damn sure know you can say that about our next two guys, what is being billed as a legends match we have Underdawg facing Microplay Razz: These two are certainly not strangers to one another, and you gotta say, when you think of the OOWF, you think of these two guys. And this is not just us trotting out two guys past their primes, Microplay is gunning for Niles Anderson’s world title, and UnderDawg still has a score to settle with Donovan Viper Ross: For one night at least, they are going to put their title aspirations aside and face one another in the ring. This should be interesting Razz: It is made even more interesting because of The Evil Wizard’s attempts to cast spells on UnderDawg and such, I think you are right Ross, this should be an interesting one
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:27:20 GMT -5
UNDERDAWG vs. MICROPLAY(w/The Evil Wizard)Both men meet in the center of the ring, nose to nose. The Evil Wizard hovers around Microplay constantly jawing at UD and making a general nuisance of himself. Dawg ignores him and he and MP continue to glare at each other. The tension is broken when Wizard tries to flick UD’s ear, UD turns his attention to Wiz, grabbing him by the throat, but before he can do anything, Microplay attacks with a forearm to the side of Dawg’s head. MP pounds on UD driving him to one knee. MP rakes his boot laces across UD’s eyes, UD is up and stumbles around the ring. MP grabs Dawg and rakes his eyes across the ropes. As the ref warns MP about using the ropes, UD staggers to the middle of the ring, MP charges, grabbing UD by the back of the head and leaps over the top rope guillotining UD’s throat on the top rope. UD’s head snaps off the top rope and he falls back into the middle of the ring. MP is like a man possessed, he quickly scales the ropes and waits for UD to get to his feet, as soon as he does; MP leaps from the top and catches UD with a double axe handle right between the eyes. MP covers Dawg, but can only get a two count. MP pulls UD up and lifts him into a vertical suplex, then hangs him over the top rope stomach first. With UD hanging over the top rope, MP hits the opposite ropes and nails UD with a high knee right between the eyes. UD files off the ropes and falls to the floor on the outside. Once again MP scales the ropes and waits for UD to get back to his feet, as he does, once again MP flies and connects with an elbow to the head. UD falls to the floor, MP pulls him up and rolls him into the ring and makes the cover again. UD rolls his shoulder just as the ref’s arm is coming down for the three count. MP turns to argue with the referee swearing that that was a three count. This allows UD to escape to the corner and try to regain his composure. MP turns his attention back to UD in the corner and charges at him, UD gets his foot up and MP eats a boot, as MP staggers, UD explodes out of the corner and levels MP with a clothesline. MP is flat on his back; UD is on his knees trying to shake off the cobwebs from the MP onslaught. UD grabs MP by the hair and pummels him with soup bone shots to the mouth. UD pulls MP to his feet, then lifts him and drops him with a spine buster. UD hits the ropes and drops a big leg drop across MP’s chest; UD covers and only gets a two count. UD pulls MP to his feet and sends him to the ropes and catches him with a devastating power slam, another cover gets another two count. UD has MP in trouble he grabs MP and sets him up for a Last Ride power bomb, MP falls to one knee, then low blows UD saving himself. The ref never saw it; The Evil Wizard provided enough distraction. MP is on his feet, and while the ref is arguing with the Evil Wizard, he doesn’t see MP slip out of the ring and grab the referee’s bell. MP quickly scales the ropes and leaps from the top intending to drive the bell into UD’s chest. At the last moment UD gets his foot up and slams the bell back into MP’s face. Microplay hits the mat, out cold. On the outside, The Evil Wizard goes apoplectic. UnderDawg slowly gets to his feet and pulls an unconscious MP up and tosses him over his shoulder for the FirePlug Piledriver. TEW jumps up on the apron again and distracts the referee. Before UD can finish the move, Mercury, Mikey and Murder hit the ring and slams a chair across the back of UD, Mikey then drops a massive splash across the helpless UD. Murder pulls MP on top of Dawg and the ref is allowed to turn around, he sees the cover and makes the three count WINNER in 17:11 Microplay After the match MP, Murder, Mikey and Mercury all put the boots to UD, SoulDragon runs into the ring and tries to help, but he is quickly overwhelmed. Before they can beat him senseless, Blackdragon surprisingly makes the save and along with UnderDawg they chase the Evil Wizard and his crew to the back. Ross: You know, Microplay was sneaky enough before he hooked up with the Evil Wizard, now it certainly seems like his confidence has gone through the roof! He knows he has support backing him up Razz: Ross that does make a world of difference though. When you know you have someone to watch your back, that lets you take chances and do things you might not normally have done. And if you look at that match, that unfolded exactly as Wizard and Microplay intended it to, they simply out planned UnderDawg, and that is not something you see very often Ross: No you don’t, I am a little curious to see if something comes of the Dragons, UnderDawg alliance, I know why SoulDragon came out, but I am a little confused as to why Blackdragon would risk injury helping out in this match, he has a monumental Intercontinental title defense up later tonight Razz: I am not sure, but that has the potential to be a pretty devastating alliance should it come to pass Ross: Razz, after weeks of waiting it certainly appears that we will finally see Mark Vander in action, as he attempts to get revenge on Donovan Viper for kidnapping Missy. A stipulation has been added that Missy has to be hand cuffed to the ring throughout the match Razz: There is something that just is not quite right about this whole scenario. I can’t understand why Vander didn’t go after Viper full bore, I can’t understand why he decided to wrestle a string of jobbers instead of pursuing Viper, you hate to throw around the coward tag, but I don’t know what else there is to say Ross: he had the opportunity to get Missy, he had her! And she let Viper make off with her again, it’s like he wants to prove himself by actually beating Viper for Missy. I will tell you this: Donovan Viper is not a man to be toyed with; he is a very dangerous athlete capable of ending your career in a hurry. Mark Vander better have his head on straight for this match, otherwise I fear for his safety
DONOVAN VIPER vs. MARK VANDER – Winner gets MissyMissy comes to the ring trailing behind Donovan Viper, she looks timid and scared. As the ref cuffs her to the steel ring post, she looks around for Vander, but he is not here yet. Donovan Viper gets into the ring and lounges in the corner, Mark Vander’s music plays, and Viper gets ready for him to come down the ramp and go to war, but he doesn’t come. The crowd erupts as Vander rushes out through the crowd and slides into the ring. Vander spins Viper around and rocks him with rights and lefts, then whips him hard into the corner and follows him in with a clothesline. Viper tries to escape to the outside but Vander follows him out. On the outside they brawl for a minute, Vander slams DV’s head off the guard rail, and off the Zimbabwian Announce Table. Viper escapes for a moment by going to the eyes, but with Missy yelling encouragement, Vander manages to get his sight back rather quickly and goes after Viper again. Vander catches up with Viper and lifts him and hits an atomic drop that sends Viper face first into the ring post where Missy is cuffed. When Viper is down, Missy gets a few kicks in; Viper comes up with a huge gash over his eye. Vander pulls him to his feet and lifts him attain, this time dropping him crotch first on the guard rail. Missy laughs at Viper’s pain. Mark Vander climbs up to the apron and leaps off connecting with a flying clothesline that flips Viper in a 360 to the floor. Vander pulls a helpless Donovan Viper to his feet and rolls him into the ring. Vander attempts a cover, but pulls Viper up at two. The camera focuses on Missy who goes from cheering as he goes for the cover, to absolute shock when he pulls him up. The match continues this way for several minutes, Vander dominates Donovan Viper but either doesn’t go for the cover, or pulls him up at two. Donovan Viper gets in some limited offense in, attempting a death elbow at one point, but Vander catches the elbow and turns it into a half nelson slam. Finally Mark Vander seems intent on putting Donovan Viper away, he whips Viper to the ropes, somehow Viper reverses it Vander ducks a clothesline attempt by Viper, turns and MURDERS him with a Clothesline From Hell! For good measure Vander destroys Viper even more with a Dragon suplex, Vander stands over the fallen Viper, just glaring at him, he could put one foot on him and pin him. Vander slowly turns around and sees…..Missy! How did she free herself? What the hell is going on? Vander and Missy stare at one another and lock eyes, just as they are about to move toward one another to embrace, Missy yells for Vander to look out behind him, Vander turns around just in time to see Viper’s ninja body guard coming at him with a bat, Vander catches her by the throat, the bat goes flying. Before Vander can do anything to the voluptuous ninja, Missy LOW BLOWS VANDER!! WHAT THE HELL??? Vander is doubles over in pain and turns around to look at Missy; she seductively pulls the keys to the hand cuffs out of her bra. Vander looks confused; Missy slaps him across the face. By this time, Donovan Viper is on his feet, he grabs Vander by the head and pulls him back, then DESTROYS him with a sidewinder, covers and gets the pin! Donovan Viper gets Missy!!! WINNER in 22:01 Donovan Viper After the match Donovan Viper pulls Missy close and they tongue wrestle for a few seconds, they stand above Mark Vander and Donovan Viper kicks him in the face to get his attention, there before him stands the man that took his woman. Donovan Viper poses in the middle of the ring with Missy and the Voluptuous Ninja for all to see. Vander slowly pulls himself up and tries to come after Vander, but he gets cut off by the bat wielding Missy who catches him right in the side of the head with the bat. Vander is out cold on the mat. Ross: I can’t, I mean, why? She…..THAT JEZEBELL!!!! Razz: I know what you mean Ross, man I didn’t see THAT one coming. And to think, Donovan Viper flanked by TWO beautiful women. Huh, wonder’s never cease. Ross: I just don’t understand at all, I mean why put Vander through all that trouble if you are just going to turn on him and side with Donovan Viper anyway? Why not just go with him to start? Was that all really necessary? Razz: Ross, think about what you just said, think real hard Ross: I….she….THAT JEZEBELL!!!!! Razz: Yep, pretty much. Hey, look, it says here we have the Onslaught Championship defended next; this should be one helluva match Ross: Yes indeed it should. Since winning the title, Firechild has been content with defending the belt against GimmickMan – who by the way has somehow wormed his way into this match, I have no idea how. He has two ex champions in Capellan and Thim Reynolds gunning for the title. And after what 3Piece Set did to Seraph, I hope, I pray to God that Firechild does not walk out of here with that title tonight Razz: There is that objectivity we have all come to know and love Ross, I don’t hope he loses the title, I won’t go that far simply because we don’t know for certain what has happened to Seraph, there has been no body found, there has been no real evidence so far that he is dead, he is just – missing….for a really long time…..after disappearing from the ICU of the hospital. Yeah, he’s dead. Ross: And after tonight, Firechild may well be dead as well.
THIM REYNOLDS vs. FIRECHILD vs. CAPELLAN vs. GIMMICKMAN – Onslaught Championship MatchGimmickMan, Firechild and Thim are already in the ring, Capellan sprints to the ring and leaps on the apron, then spring boards into the ring and catches FC with a flying clothesline, and with that the match is on! Thim nails GimmickMan with an elbow right between the eyes knocking him to the mat. Capellan follows up the clothesline by pulling FC to his feet, sending him to the ropes and catching him with a spinning heel kick that sends him to the outside. Before Capellan can follow that up, Thim spins him around and kicks him low and drops him with a pedigree in the middle of the ring. While this is going on, Firechild slides back into the ring and crawls over and makes a cover on the prone GimmickMan. TR sees it at the last second and drops an elbow across the back of FC’s head breaking up the pin. The action continues for over thirty minutes like this. Since it is Onslaught rules, the match stays clean, even with all four men allowed to be in the ring at the same time. There are several near falls. GimmickMan attempts a Spartan Plunge on FC, but eats a super kick from Capellan in the process. Cap then whips him toward TR, who was recovering from an enzuguri from Capellan; Thim catches GM and hits a back body drop that sends GM sailing over the top rope to the floor. Cap tries to cover FC, but TR breaks it up. The match continues at a frantic pace for several minutes. Then, with GimmickMan still out on the floor, after taking the fall over the ropes, he may well be dead, he is not moving. The other three are inside the ring, Thim Reynolds tries to lift Capellan in a suplex, but as he gets him up he eats a spear from Firechild. As Thim falls, he drops Capellan on his head in a sort of brain buster. Both men are down. Firechild gets to his feet and looks at both men down and gets a cocky smirk on his face. He starts to laugh to himself when the lights go out. Where the ring sits, we see a blinding ray of light that encompasses the entire ring, and grows in intensity and size until the entire arena is bathed in a blinding white light. The familiar strains of Seraph’s music play, from nowhere and yet everywhere we hear a voice say: "despite what you say, you don't understand what it's like to burn- but I do and today you you start to understand." The light fades out, the music stops and for a few seconds the arena is once again bathed in darkness. When the house lights come back on we see in the ring, Thim Reynolds and Capellan are both on their feet, in the center of the ring there is a pool of blood, with a trail of blood leading out of the ring and up the ramp. At the top of the ram we see…..MY GOD IT’S SERAPH! But he looks much different! Most of his body is covered in bandages, and you can see places where he was burned. He maintains that expressionless look on his face, but the tranquility has been replaced by a burning rage. On his knees before him is Firechild, his head hanging down, his body limp. Seraph grabs him by the hair and pulls his face up revealing Firechild is a hideously bloody mess. Seraph pulls Firechild up and hits the Absolution (a sit down power bomb into a body scissors/full nelson combo) Seraph holds Firechild head up and forces him to see the match. Firechild screams in pain. Inside the ring, Capellan turns around and gets caught in a t-bone suplex by Thim Reynolds. Reynolds works quickly and turns over Capellan, adjusts his elbow pad, and locks on the adjustment. Capellan fights frantically to escape, he reaches for the ropes, just as he is about to reach the ropes, GimmickMan uses that rope to pull himself to his feet, pulling it just out of Capellan’s reach. Capellan can fight it no more and loses consciousness. The ref calls for the bell. WINNER in 28:21 and NEW Onslaught Champion – Thim Reynolds At the top of the ramp the camera focuses on Firechild’s face, it is a mixture of rage and pain. Seraph releases the hold, Firechild falls limply to the stage. Seraph grabs his head, and we hear him say very quietly You do not know the meaning of suffering, you will learn, tonight begins your lesson. When I am through, you will understand all too wellSeraph slams Firechild’s head into the steel and walks away. Ross: SERAPH IS BACK!!! SERAPH IS ALIVE! Razz: And Seraph is PISSED! Ross: And I can’t say I blame him. I would NOT want to be in Firechild’s shoes right about now. He better have a pretty good game plan for fighting Seraph Razz: and hey, congratulations to Thim, the NEW Onslaught Champion! Another two time champion in the Onslaught Division! Ross: Indeed, although I really liked Capellan’s chances in this match, it was not meant to be tonight, I do think that given their hellacious battles of the last few weeks, Capellan has got to be in line for another title shot sooner rather than later Razz: That would be the safe bet, but remember the last time Thim won the title he proceeded to go on vacation for the three weeks Ross: Well I never said he was an honorable champion, just that he was the new champion, and for that I congratulate him Razz: Well so far tonight we have one new champion, will the newly crowned tag team champions Moosehead Jack and Concrete TG be able to hold on to their titles? Or will their reign be a short one? Ross: Well, I certainly believe they have the talent to keep the titles for a bit, but they are in the match with some heavy weights tonight. Drink and Destroy are two time champions, 3Piece Set are three time champions and The Team From Down Under are one of the best teams in the OOWF, so they certainly have their work cut out for them. Razz: yeah, but if you had to go out on a limb and pick a winner, who would it be? Ross: Well I like Moose and Concrete to retain the titles, they just won them and they are certainly going to want to prove that the win was not a fluke Razz: Not a bad call, I am going to go with 3Piece Set to regain the titles and become four time champions. They were not happy to lose their titles; I see them getting them back
DRINK & DESTROY vs. THE TEAM FROM DOWN UNDER(w/Wally B. King) vs. 3PIECE SET vs. MOOSEHEAD JACK & CONCRETE TG – OOWF World Tag Team Title MatchThe new champs make it to the ring last and hold their titles high for the people to see. Concrete stands on the top rope and shows his to the crowd, the fans cheer wildly. Jack slumps in the corner and tosses his title aside and locks eyes with the members of 3Piece Set. Ax and Cole begin to advance across the ring on MHJ, as they get about half way across the ring, Capslock and Stank blind side them, the match is ON! Drink & Destroy and 3Piece Set tumble out of the ring and brawl around ring side, leaving Moose and Concrete and Jack and Gator in the ring. Concrete comes down from the top rope and Jack leaves the ring. Concrete and Gator start things off by exchanging chops in the middle of the ring. Meanwhile on the outside, Cole avoids a charging Stank and sends him shoulder first into the steel steps. On the other side of the ring we have FFC pummeling a helpless Ax; Ax has already been busted open. Cole rushes around the ring to help, and blindsides Capslock sending him to the floor. 3Piece Set climb to the apron and take their spots on the apron and wait for a tag. Before they can be tagged in to do anything, Capslock recovers and pulls Cole off of the apron and hits a spine buster on the cement floor. By now Stank has recovered and he pulls Ax down and levels him with a clothesline. Meanwhile in the ring, Concrete has Gator on the mat locked on a half crab, after he caught GB coming off the ropes and hit a roll through half crab. Concrete reaches out and tags Jack then reapplies the half crab. Jack climbs to the second rope and leaps dropping a leg across the back of GB’s head. Jack covers, but only gets a two count; GB is able to roll his shoulder before the three. Now Drink & Destroy take their places on the apron, and they wait for a tag. But before that can come, 3Piece Set recover and pull them off of the apron. Now it really degenerates into an all out brawl between these two teams, they brawl around ring side, up the ramp, all over the place, doing their damndest to kill one another, and since neither of those teams were the legal men, there is nothing the ref can do about it. So the match pretty much breaks down into your standard tag match for awhile. These two teams are very familiar with one another so neither can maintain an advantage. On the outside, 3Piece Set and Drink & Destroy have beat each other bloody and senseless. Ax and Cole finally get the upper hand, using chairs to beat the big men down and leave them momentarily helpless at the top of the ramp. Ax and Cole stagger back to the ring and get involved. They jump in the ring and go after the Aussies; I assume it is because they want Jack and Concrete to themselves. Ax and Cole are just consumed with blood lust; they throw the Aussies out of the ring and turn to the champs. Jack ducks a clothesline from Ax, then shoves him to the ropes and follows him in and clotheslines him over the top to the floor. Concrete grabs Cole and hits an exploder suplex then hops to the top rope. MHJ puts Cole on his shoulders and they set up for the Flying Gallows! But before they can finish the move, Niles Anderson slides into the ring wit ha chair and slams it across MHJ’s back. Jack drops Cole and staggers, Niles then drops him with a SteeDDT on the chair. CTG leaps from the top and hits a flying shining wizard on Cole that knocks him out of the ring, and out cold, then chases Niles out of the ring and up the ramp. Jack is struggling to get to his feet, and as he does, Gator and Jack come out of nowhere and KILL Moose with the Call of the Wild! For good measure Gator lifts Jack and hits the CHOMP! JACK IS DEAD! He covers and gets the three count NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! WINNERS IN 39:59 and NEW OOWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS – The Team From Down Under Concrete tried to make the save by couldn’t. He hangs his head dejectedly, but after a few seconds goes and congratulates the new champs. MHJ gets to his feet and spots Niles at the top of the ramp pointing and laughing, so Moose takes off after him. Niles beats a hasty retreat to the back Ross: THE AUSSIES FINALLY DID IT! We have NEW world tag team champions! And Niles Anderson may also have sealed his own fate. If not for his interference, Jack and Concrete would likely have left there as the champs! Razz: As if you needed to throw more fuel on THAT fire! But congrats to Jack and Gator, they have been a team since damn near the first days of the OOWF, it is good to see them finally hold the gold, here’s hoping for a long title reign for them Ross: Well said Razz. Next up, another title match. Blackdragon has quietly held that title for over four months, he is constantly beating the odds and coming away with the title, even when we thought he was done. Tonight he may well face his toughest challenge to date, a steel cage match with the top three contenders to the title, can he survive? Razz: Well sure, he CAN survive, the man is the champ, he has the heart of a champion, I never put pulling out a win past him, but tonight, I don’t think he will. You are taking the raw power and raw emotion of Mr. Jealous and confining it within a steel cage; I think tonight the rookie wins that title Ross: Let’s head to the ring
LD WILLIAMS vs. ERIC O’MAC vs. MR.JEALOUS vs. BLACKDRAGON – OOWF Intercontinental Title Fatal Four Way Steel Cage MatchEric O’Mac, Mr. Jealous, and LD Williams all enter the ring and pace around, waiting for the champ to enter. Before Blackdragon’s music hits, however, the ring announcer lets the audience know that once the cage is lowered, there will be no escape through the door or over the cage. The only ways to win are pin and submission, and the first one wins. Finally, Blackdragon’s comes down the ramp and the crowd is going wild, BD the obvious fan favorite in this match. He hops all cool-like into the ring and poses with his Intercontinental title. The cage starts to get lowered, but once Mr. Jealous sees that IC belt his surname takes over and he begins attacking BD. The ref calls for the bell and the match begins. At first it’s a three-way gang up on the champ. Jealous, Williams, and O’Mac take their turns punching, stomping, and kicking BD while he’s down. BD keeps trying to pull himself up by the ropes, but each time he’s kicked back on his butt. LD tries to take control and shoves O’Mac out of the way, so of course that causes some friction and the smallest guys in the match start going at it. They start off with some nice chain wrestling: O’Mac using his speed to get quick pins, including a backslide and a hurricanra roll-up, but Williams’ slight strength advantage lets him power out each time. Meanwhile, Jealous is enjoying pounding on BD in the corner, and his him in a tree of woe, taking his time dissecting the champ. He occasionally checks over his shoulder to make sure nothing dangerous is going on behind him, and since he’s not being attacked, precision punches to BD’s stomach seem in order. The little guys keep fighting in the middle, and then Eric O’Mac dropkicks Williams into the same corner that Jealous and Blackdragon are in. However, Blackdragon sees it coming and uses his chiseled abs strength to sit himself up and avoid Jealous crashing head first into the middle turnbuckle. BD is sitting on the top turnbuckle, facing the crowd; O’Mac decides to run up the ramp of bodies and bounds off of Jealous to dropkick BD into the mesh cage. Dragon slumps against it. O’Mac pounds BD’s head against the cage multiple times. Now on the top rope, he looks like he’s about to belly-to-back suplex BD off the top rope. However, LD runs over and sneaks under O’Mac’s legs, standing on the second rope and looking to set O’Mac up for an electric chair drop. And if this sequence wasn’t crazy enough, Jealous gets to his feet from his position in the corner and sits Williams onto HIS shoulders for a power bomb. A second of steadying and HOLY SHIT what an impact! Jealous power bombs Williams, who Electric chair drops O’Mac, and Blackdragon holds onto the cage! The carnage is ridiculous: three bodies on the mat. Blackdragon turns around and sees the carnage, and decides to take advantage of his “enlightened” position. Flying head butt over EVERYONE and lands on O’Mac! Wow! Cover gets 1, 2, Broken up by Mr. Jealous. Jealous Irish whips Blackdragon and goes for the Monster, but Dragon sidesteps it. When Jealous turns around, Dragon whips out the devastating Dragon Combo! He somehow wraps his arms around Jealous’ neck, slams his neck across his knee, unleashes a GARGANTUAN Dragon Suplex, and locks in the Dragon Lock. Jealous is in pain: I bet he’s envious of the time when he wasn’t in a painful position. The hand is about to tap when Williams finally gets up from the power bomb and gives Dragon a stiff kick to the back of the head. He runs over and applies the STF to Jealous, and Jealous is kind of sick of the pain. In the meantime, nobody is paying attention to Eric O’Mac, who has CLIMBED THE CAGE to the thrill of the crowd. Jealous is prone in the STF, Williams underneath, O’Mac couldn’t YES HE DID! *****-Frog Splash onto Jealous while he’s in the submission! Jealous has to be dead! Everyone is slow to get up, and the ref is counting to ten for some reason, even though this match isn’t going to end that way. O’Mac goes to pin jealous, but BD breaks it up at two. BD grabs O’Mac and they trade some tired punches. An Irish whip and BD ducks an O’Mac flying Jalapeño and the kind-of-Irish-Van-Dam flies face first into the cage. BD sets him up for the DKO drop…but O’Mac is holding onto the ropes! BD slams him into the cage a couple of times and he lets go and hits it! O’Mac is dead, but unfortunately Blackdragon doesn’t see Williams sneaking up from behind. The minute the DKO is hit, Williams low blows Blackdragon, bounds off the steel cage and hits a wicked DDT. The ref counts 1, 2…NO! Blackdragon kicks out! He’s up, but groggy, and Williams goes for another DDT. BD shrugs him off, but as he does he eats a BRUTAL monster from Mr. Jealous, causing Blackdragon to crash face first against the mesh. BD is out. Williams sneaks in and throws Jealous against the cage and hurriedly pins Blackdragon, who is clutching his face and ribs while semi-conscious. 1, 2, 3! LD Williams is the new Intercontinental Champion! WINNER in 37:57 and NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION - LD Williams. Ross: LD WILLIAMS Finally breaks through and wins the big one! He has come such a long way from being perceived as Johnny Adrenaline’s lackey! What a fantastic match! Razz: Blackdragon should not be ashamed of that effort, he was basically in there three on one for the most part, and he STILL damn near pulled out a win. There will be rematches in his future and I do not thing for one moment that we have seen the last of Blackdragon’s days of wearing a title. Ross: I don’t think so either Razz, the man is a professional, and one damn fine wrestler. And this is not to discredit LD Williams either, the man is tougher than a two dollar steak, I may not always like the company he keeps, or approve of his tactics in the ring, but the man is tough as nails Razz: You ready for the main event Ross? Ross: I have been looking forward to this all week long Razz. This is it, possibly the biggest match in OOWF history; Niles Anderson defends his title against Chris Alt and Hardbody Harris Razz: It is huge, can Niles keep his title? So far we have had three title matches and three title changes, do you think Niles can buck that trend and walk out of here with his title? Ross: No I do not. There is too much working against him, if you believe in karma, this is it. I think Hardbody Harris fulfills his claim to #1 FACE IN THE OOWF and brings home the gold tonight Razz: Well Ross, I agree that Niles is not going to walk out of here as the champ tonight, but I think Chris Alt will be walking out with the gold. The man has quietly become the best pure wrestler I the OOWF. He flies under the radar, and I think he likes that. I see the kid with the big heart pulling out the win here tonight Ross: I cannot wait for this one, let’s get it started!
HARDBODY HARRIS vs. CHRIS ALT vs. NILES ANDERSON – OOWF World Title Fatal Three Way Niles tries to hang back a little bit to start things off, Alt and Harris meet in the center of the ring nose to nose and begin arguing about something. The exchange gets very heated as Niles looks on from the corner and laughs. Niles leans back in the corner content to let the BFF fight it out. Just then, Alt breaks off and charges into the corner, leaps and monkey flips Niles out of the corner, Niles, being a damn fine athlete lands on his feet, only to get DESTROYED by a Hardbody Harris clothesline. Harris falls on Niles for the cover, but only gets a one count. Harris pulls Niles up and whips him to the ropes, Niles holds on to the ropes and bails out of the ring Harris stands in the middle of the ring and waits for him, Alt comes up behind Harris and hits him with a German Suplex, bridges and gets a two count before Harris rolls his shoulder, the sudden two count brings Niles flying back into the ring. He puts the boots to both Harris and Alt, then picks up HH and throws him out of the ring. Niles pulls Chris Alt up and hits a standing power slam and gets a two count. Niles then picks Alt up again and tries a power bomb, but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB CHIRS ALT! Alt reverses it into a roll up from behind and gets a two count. Harris makes it back into the ring and catches Alt with a bulldog from behind then grabs Niles, but Niles escapes with a low blow and wraps HH up with a small package, Alt makes the save with a double axe handle to the back of Niles head. Alt and Harris are on their feet; Harris sends Alt to the ropes and catches him with a spine buster that sends Alt to the outside. Harris gets to his feet and lifts Niles and drops him with a pendulum backbreaker. Harris pulls Niles to his feet and hauls him to the top rope setting him up for a superplex. Once Harris gets to the second rope, Chris Alt charges into the ring and grabs Harris and throws him off the second rope with a release belly to back suplex!. Alt quickly gets to his feet and scales the ropes and in one fluid motion jumps up and takes Niles off the top rope with a hurracarana! Niles hits the mat and Alt makes the cover, but Harris makes the save at two. Alt and Harris get to their feet and go nose to nose, this time seemingly arguing for real. As they argue, Niles gets back to his feet and takes them both down with a double clothesline. Niles hammers away on Harris and once again throws him out of the ring. Niles grabs Alt and puts him on the top rope, now Niles thinks HE is going to try a superplex. Niles climbs up, but Alt fights out of it and hits a top rope ALT-OMIC BOMB!! Alt covers and gets thre…no Niles got his feet on the ropes. Alt tries to pull Niles up, but gets a low blow for his trouble. Meanwhile, Harris has climbed the ropes in the corner as Hardbody Harris sits perched on the top rope waiting for Niles to get to his feet. Chris Alt slowly staggers to his feet, as he does; he stumbles and hits the ropes which causes HH to lose his balance and crotch himself on the top rope, then fall to the floor. Niles gets up and sees Alt still dazed, he grabs Alt, kicks him low and DESTROYS him with a SteedDT! Alt is OUT! It is over, Niles will retain! Niles moves to cover Alt when he sees Moosehead Jack heading to the ring, a fierce look of madness on his face, carrying a barbed wire baseball bat. Officials swarm from the back and stop Jack from coming to the ring. Niles stands in the ring and taunts Jack and dares him to come down, even holding the ropes open for him. When it becomes apparent that Jack will not be coming to the ring, Niles turns around, and walks right into a TO BE EDITED IN LATER! HH covers ONE…..TWO…..THREE!!! IT’S OVER! NEW WORLD CHAMPION!!! WINNER in 42:44 and NEW OOWF World Champion – Hardbody Harris After the match, Jack breaks away from the officials and attacks Niles they roll out of the ring and brawl wildly on the outside, both men consumed with rage. Security quickly steps in to try and separate them. Inside the ring, Hardbody Harris is awarded the world title and falls to his knees clutching the title. Chris Alt gets to his feet, looks disappointed for a moment, then gives his BFF a big hug and raises his hand in victory. Fievel comes to the ring and the three celebrate Ross: HE DID IT! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! Mrs. Harris’ little boy has won the world title! Razz: After a year of struggling he finally has the right to call himself the #1 CHAMPION IN THE OOWF!! Ross: Folks, thanks for coming out for OOWF action. We hope you have enjoyed the first year of OOWF and we hope you will join us for many many more, for Razz, I’m Ross, goodnight!The Camera focuses on the celebration of Hardbody Harris, Chris Alt and Fievel in the center of the ring, confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling. Harris stands on the top turnbuckle holding the world title for all to see, the crowd goes nuts, and we slowly fade to black. Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Doomy Doomy Doom Doom PPV, Live October 30th from The Pine Barrens, New Jersey! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF MidWeek Mayhem, The Imperial Onslaught, September 28th, live from Spread Eagle, Wisconsin!
For more details, check out our website! oowf.pantslessfury.com/oowf !
And for all your OOWF shopping needs, check out www.cafepress.
This has been an OOWF production, produced by the Born-Big-Black-Tar-Jack-Attitude-Jodrell-X production company in accordance with Ecosystem Ltd
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:27:56 GMT -5
## Thim is WALKING . . . down the corridor with the Online Championship belt and a (36,28,34) Thimanoid on one arm and a bottle of champaign and another (38,28,34) Thimaonid on the other
TR: Wooooooo!!! Two time two time CHAM-PEE-ON in da house!!!! Woooo!!
## Just then the hear an agonised groan come from the treatment room that they are passing, a quick glance through the door sees Canadian Dragon being attended to by OOWF's resident physio
CD: GOD DAMNIT!!! I'm gonna have to deeply f**k up Uncle for this. I win the damn match, finally get a shot at the title and he's f**ked right me up.
Physio: I'm sorry Dragon, there's just nothing I can do to get you going that quick. There's no way you're going to be ready for your match on Wednesday.
TR: hey, chump-stain . . . get the flock out of here
Thim grabs the physio and throws him out of the door, barely missing the woodwork as Canadian Dragon grabs his shoulder in agony
CD: Great, thanks Thim . . . what now - I suppose you're going to take me down and make things even worse ready for Wednesday, still at least you're defending your title this time rather than disappearing
TR: yea, theRick made it very clear to me as soon as I got backstage that after the comment I made last time he's changed the contract for the OO title holder - must be defended every other week is more or less what it says
CD: good job . . . so if you've not come here to take me down what can I do for you
TR: I've come to help obviously . . . I've patched some of the guys up here before and done a much better job of it than the monkeys on staff. You must remember how quickly I used to get Semaj back into shape after the beating he took . . . I can do the same for you
CD: of really . . . and why would you want to do that Thim - I'm your next challenger . . . what's in it for you??
TR: doesn't anyone understand why I'm here yet - I've said it often enough . . . . The COMPETITION!! In your current state you wouldn't last 5 minutes in the ring with me . . . I'm a submission specialist. I know at least 5 holds based around that shoulder that would make you pass out in under 30 seconds from the pain and at least one that would probably put you out for 6 months and major surgery. You don't want that do you??
CD: well duh!! But I'd like to see you try . . .
TR: and you will on Wednesday but let me get you sorted first - I used to tear the ring apart with Capellan but he seems to have lost the fight . . . I need someone else who can keep up with me in the ring and I need then in full ring shape.
CD: OK then Thim, you think you're so great strap me up - but I'm warning you, don't try anything
TR: as if I would . . . come here and help girls
## Thim puts the belt and the bottle down and with the assistance of the pair of Thimanoids, heavily straps Canadian Dragons shoulder. After a few minutes of manipulation Thim stands Canadian Dragon up.
TR: How does that feel?
CD: you know what Thim that feels great - virtually no pain at all.
TR: great . . . now look. I know it feels OK but it'll still be very weak. Give it total rest until Wednesday and whatever you do don't remove any of that bandaging . . . with any luck by Wednesday when you do take the strapping off it'll all feel fine again.
CD: If it does I'll pay you back by taking that title from you - you do realise that don't you.
TR: Ha . . . we'll see. Now remember, complete rest until Wednesday - here, take one of these to help you chill out
## Thim pats the rear of one of the Thimanoids to give her to Canadian Dragon, collects his belt and bottle and leaves the room with the other.
TR: See you on Wednesday . . .
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:28:32 GMT -5
*Sexy Female Journalist, looking Sexier than ever, is standing in the ring, which is covered in a white shag carpet. The turnbuckles are decorated with all-white balloons and even SFJ’s microphone top is white. In the middle of the ring is a fine-looking table with a glass case on top of it. Inside the case is a belt-shaped black bag. SFJ quiets the crowd.*
SFJ: Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you the NEW OOWF WORLD CHAMPION…HARDBODY HARRIS!
*The crowd goes nuts as “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” blares over the stadium speakers. The audience is singing along to the first verse, and then the big phrase hits. “And Baby I Know It! You’ve Lost…” Hardbody is out to a standing ovation! Hardbody milks it and even spends extra time coming to the ring to shake hands with and kiss every single good-looking girl on the way down the ramp. When he gets to the ring, he poses for the crowd, and the music cuts. He looks at SFJ, takes her in his arms, dips her, and gives her a passionate smooch. She passes out on the floor. Hardbody takes the mic. The crowd chants HARD-BOD-EE! HARD-BOD-EE!*
HH: Who’s the best?
Crowd: HARD-BOD-EE! HARD-BOD-EE!
HH: Who’s the champ?
Crowd: HARD-BOD-EE! HARD-BOD-EE!
HH: Who’s the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF?
Crowd: HARD-BOD-EE! HARD-BOD-EE!
HH: Who invented the concept of being awesome?
Crowd: HARD-BOD-EE! HARD-BOD-EE!
HH: YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I DID! WOOO! It’s good to be the champ. Listen, I’ve thought long and hard about what I’m going to say here. It’s been on my mind for an ENTIRE YEAR. From day 1, I wanted to stand before you all and make my victory speech. 52 WEEKS of not being able to do it drove me mad. 365 DAYS without a reason to call myself the best nearly caused me to quit. But guess what? I’m the champ now, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
*soaks up the cheers*
HH: (continues) I want to thank a few people. First, Fievel, you’re a rock. As soon as I get a chance, I’ll buy you that cheese wheel you’ve had your eye on. One of my opponents lasat night—my Best Friend Forever—Chris Alt, whenever you want a title shot, you got it. I drew a picture of you and I celebrating last night. It’s hanging on your fridge, and I hope you like it. Niles Anderson: you almost had the match. But your enemies did you in, and you got screwed like so many others have gotten screwed before.
*pauses*
HH: Did I mention that I was the champ?
Crowd: HARD-BOD-EE! HARD-BOD-EE!
HH: Heh. I never get tired of that. Well, now that I’m champ, people keep asking, “What’s next for Hardbody?” Well, at Midweek Mayhem, I’ve got a title defense against an unknown opponent. That should be exciting. Any of those four men would be a challenge, and I certainly wouldn’t want to “be dead” by falling victim to—somehow—the best finisher in the OOWF. Still, Gatorbait, Outback, LD, Thim…they can all wait. Because you know what’s really next for Hardbody? A little present for him, that’s what! Hey, SFJ, wake up, will ya?
*SFJ stirs and gets to her feet. She totally gives the crowd a panty shot while lying down. HOT!*
HH: Okay, I was called here for a reason. And I guess everyone has a little surprise for me. Is it what I wanted?
*SFJ heads toward the glass case and opens it up. She pulls out the belt-bag and holds it up…it seems kind of heavy. She starts to unzip it as Hardbody narrates.*
HH: Now, I figured since I’m the first FACE champ to hold the belt for more than one show (holds up FACESTRONG bracelet), I think it’s about time we spiced up the title situation. Now, the OOWF belt is freakin’ sweet. It has lots of shiny stuff on it. But I need something that fits my personality. Something a little aggressive, a little show-offy, a little spectacular. What I want is, basically, THE #1 BELT IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING! SFJ, let’s see that beut!
*SFJ pulls the belt out of the bag. It’s white leather with gold plates and white diamonds. The letters OOWF go across the top middle. “Hardbody Harris” is christened on the bottom. But the main focus is in the middle. Instead of a crest, or a globe, or an eagle is…a 7 inch flatscreen TV? Right now TV is showing a screensaver of the OOWF logo bouncing from corner to corner.*
HH: (puts on the belt) Oh, yeah, this feels good. Now, isn’t this something? Not only does it look nice, but it’s state of the art. This screen here isn’t just to play the OOWF logo, oh no. With just a push of these diamonds here, I’ve got myself my own little customized entertainment center. For example, I push this diamond…
*the screen changes to a shot of Hardbody Harris and his old SUPERIOR WRESTLER TROPHY HOUSE in front of the Statue of Liberty.* HH: Ah, good times, old Trophy. But that’s not all. It can also do video. Watch this diamond!
*The TV screen shows a live feed of the Sexy Female Journalist’s locker room. For some reason, they’re having a pillowfight.*
HH: That button’s going to get used a lot. Oh, and here’s another example, and my personal favorite.
*This is a looped video from OOWF HELL ON EARTH, featuring Niles Anderson walking into a TO BE EDITED IN LATER~! and getting pinned. Over and over and over and over…*
HH: Yes indeed. This is the best belt ever! And for those of you who think that I’m making a mockery of the title, well, shut the fuck up. You beat me, you can put whatever you want on the world’s smallest plasma TV screen. Anyway, that was my little gift for me. But, really, I couldn’t forget the people who really made this all possible. ALL OF YOU FANS, right here, in my homeland of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
Crowd: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! (Hardbody changes the image on his belt to be an American flag waving in the wind) U-S-A!
HH: And, just so you don’t leave empty handed, I’ve got one more thing for you. Way back, almost a year ago, Hardbody Harris was the first one to start the OOWF Sandwich Craze when he stole Microplay’s sandwiches and celebrated with them. Well, now that the OOWF Champ is in charge, it’s time to bring back that custom. So, what I’ve done is rented out Ric Flair and had him make Salami-and-honey-mustard-on-Asiago-Cheese for everyone. Come on out!
*A flurry of Sexy Female Journalists come out with Sandwich Cannons and start shooting the sandwiches into the crowd, honey mustard flying everywhere. A “WOOOOOOO!” can be heard from the rafters, and none other than THA NAYTCHA BOY is walking on the catwalk, dumping buckets of sandwiches on the crowd! Everyone is eating fresh today, Fat Boy! Hardbody grabs a few sandwiches and climbs the turnbuckle, smashing them together and letting the honey mustard dribble down his chest. He pretends to eat them but really just chews them up and spits them on himself. He calls for a few more sandwiches, and Flair obliges. It’s a celebration as Hardbody’s music plays and everyone sings along with food in their mouths. The Hardbody Era has arrived…and it’s delicious!*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:29:53 GMT -5
*Niles is storming down the hallway after his match. He is visibly upset, muttering under his breath.*
Niles - Fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I'll show them all.
*Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline run to catch up to Niles.*
AA - Boss! Boss! Wait up!
JA - You're still awesome! We still love you!
*Niles keeps walking. He eventually reaches his limo.*
AA - Where are you going?
*The door to limo opens for Niles. He turns and faces AA and JA.*
Niles - The OOWF obviously isn't big enough for me. I'm not gonna give Moose the satisfaction of beating me down. Consider me gone!
*Niles gets in the limo and the door is closed for him. The limo speeds off leaving AA and JA in the dust.*
JA - You think he's upset?
AA - Not sure. Lets ask him when he gets back.
*AA and JA continue to stand in the parking lot. Crickets start chirping. 15 minutes pass without action when the ninja cameraman finally decides to Fade to Black.
Fortunately for us, the ninja soundman sticks around.*
AA - He'll be back soon.
JA - Yeah, I like waiting for him anyways.
*Ninja soundman takes this as a cue to fade the sound out.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:30:17 GMT -5
[The sound of a rooster signals the fade into a parking garage at daybreak. We see a bandaged up Johnny Adrenaline sitting on the ground, back to the wall, sleeping, with a pad of paper next to him, perhaps promo ideas or a love letter to Sexy Female Journalist... well, one of them. Attitude Adjuster, still selling the injuries from the dog collar cage match, walks into the picture with two sandwiches.] AA: Johnny... Johnny, wake up. I got us breakfast. JA: [waking up and rubbing eyes] Huh? Oh... sandwiches for breakfast? Don'tcha think that's a little odd? AA: Hey, you gotta live the gimmick, man. Don't you remember that? JA: Oh yeah. Well, in that case... [grabs a sandwich] ...anything from Niles? AA: Nothing. I was up all night waiting for the limo to come back, but every vehicle I saw was leaving. Except for the cab that picked up Capellan and a Hummer full of fine young ladies. JA: What? Why didn't you wake me up? AA: Cause our favorite guy in the whole world was with them. JA: Harris? AA: Yeah, I just hid behind the corner til they were gone. JA: Yeah, good idea. But we'll get our hands on that son of a bitch again. Did I tell you that I kept a piece of that stupid trophy of his as a souvenir? AA: Ooh, that might come in handy someday. JA: Well, it's like 5:00am and we're sitting here in a parking garage. now what? AA: Well... hold on, who's this coming?
AA: Niles?
JA: Come on, Champ, we knew you'd be back!
[The limo door opens and 15 random Sexy Female Journalists step out one at a time.]
AA: Damn, looks like Niles had a better night than we thought.
[However, instead of Niles Anderson, a loud WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! comes from the limo, and Ric Flair emerges from the vehicle with the Intercontinental Title over his shoulder.]
JA: Naitch?
RF: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ya see, when you're a high roller like the Nature Boy, you can have all the ladies you want... and you can have them ALL NIGHT LONG! WHOOOOOOOOOO! Come on, girls.
[Flair and his entourage leave.]
AA: Damn, I hope I'm that cool when I'm his age.
JA: I just hope to be alive at his age.
[fade to black]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 13, 2008 19:30:43 GMT -5
<SFJ21 catches up with MHJ in the back>
SFJ21: Moose, it appears that Niles Anderson has left the OOWF! What are your thoughts
<MHJ grabs the mic and shoves SFJ21 aside>
MHJ: Niles, do you think I buy this for ONE second? Do you really think anyone believes you are going to run away and stay gone? We all know you are acoward, but you are not stupid. You are too vain, too much of an ego hound to stay away for long. This is what you wanted isn't it Niles? You got my full attention 100%.
For months, you have been saying that the "real" Moosehead Jack is dead, that I had gone soft from teaming with Concrete. Well Niles, here I am, the real Moosehead Jack, and I have never been so determined to hurt someone as I am now. Niles, you cost me the tag titles, you couldn't stand to see me hold gold. Well, now neither of us hold a title, I made damn sure of that. There's nothing left. I have nothing left to lose, all I want is your blood on my hands, your screams of pain ringing in my ears, and the memory of you twisted in agonizing pain burned in my brain.
Niles, I know you can hear this. I know you are watching. I will tell you this once, there is not enough room on this planet for you to put enough distance between me and you for you to be safe. At some point, our paths WILL cross. And when they do, it will be the most miserable, pain filled day of your life. This is not over Niles, this is just getting started.
Trust me
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