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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:20:04 GMT -5
Live From Ossipee, New Hampshire!
OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
Capellan vs. Hardbody Harris
OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Mercury vs. LD Williams
OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
wCw vs. The Team From Down Under
OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Uncle Entity vs. Thim Reynolds
Moosehead Jack vs. Chris Alt
Seraph vs. Firechild
Drink & Destroy vs. Dr. Murder & Mikey Styner
SoulDragon vs. Eric O'Mac
Phil vs. Chris Cole
Microplay vs. Donovan Viper
Beast vs. Mr. Jealous
Mark Vander vs. Ax-Man
Canadian Dragon vs. Corax
Attitude Adjuster & Johnny Adrenaline vs. UnderDawg & Blackdragon
The Devil's Brigade vs. The Establishment
Card subject to psychic phenomenon
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:20:29 GMT -5
Black Dragon finds Underdawg in the locker room.
BD: Hey big dawg. We should've had that match against The Devil's Brigade.
UD: Yes, we should have. And we would have, too, if it wasn't for Viper.
BD: That damn Viper. He's going to be a thorn on our sides for a long time, isn't he?
UD: OUR sides? What does he have to do with you?
BD: Well nothing before, but now that we're a team, I figure that I'll be his enemy by proxy.
UD: So we're a team now?
BD: Yeah? Why not? Despite not winning the match, you and I, we made a pretty damn good team, don't you think?
UD: Yes, we did make a good team. I like your innovative offensive style.
BD: And matched up with your size, strength, and experience, there's no way we couldn't capture tag team gold!
UD: Tag team gold?
BD: Oh yeah. Tag team gold.
UD: I like that. I like it a lot. Speaking of gold, would you like to help me out with something this week?
BD: Shoot, partner.
UD: Well, there's a matter of some gold chains that were snatched from me a few weeks ago by our upcoming opponents. I think it's time I get those back.
BD: With force?
UD: Most definitely.
BD: I'm liking this already!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:20:51 GMT -5
FF Capslock - By the way, thanks for the DVD. I like it. I even like the title "The Pride of Fresno - The Best of FF Capslock"
Stank - I thought you might. Next time instead of a Best of FF Capslock we'll have the best of Drink & Destroy. Maybe after we regain the tag titles. Anyway happy birthday bud. You know... that's why we lost our match?
FFC - What? Why?
Stank - Because wrestlers always job on their birthday or in their hometown.
FFC - And here I thought it was because of brass knuckles to your temple. Well speaking of losing our match, I got a gift for you.
Stank - But my birthday isn't until next month.
FFC - Well I got it for you anyway... and it's in this box. There's a little bit of his blood on the outside. Don't mind that.
Stank - Who ya got in the box Lock?
FFC - None other than The Evil Wizard. I asked Phil for an enchantment spell that would hold the sucker. Phil told me this magic box ought to do the trick. So I grabbed Mr. Wiz, beat him up, then stuffed him in. Go ahead open it. It's time to have some fun.
Stank walks over and opens the top of the box.
Stank - Uh... there's no one in here man. I thought you said this was a "magic" box.
FFC - It's supposed to be. How'd that bastitch escape?
Drink & Destroy are occupied with examining the box. They don't notice a misquito fly out of it, through the front door and down the hall towards Murder and Styner's locker room.
Misquito - The fools, NO ONE traps THE EVI... AAAAAHK!!
Styner - Didja git it?
Dr. Murder - No the little sucker is quick.
Styner - Well I hate misquitos SPLAT IT against that wall
Dr. M - I'm TRYING... AHHHHHH!
The evil misquito morphs into a bruised and battered EVIL WIZARD.
Styner and Murder - Whoooooa!
TEW - Fools.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:21:15 GMT -5
<Darkened room, etc. etc. you know the routine by now>
Moose sits under the light glaring at the camera, then begins to laugh, an evil, disturbing laugh.
Chris Alt, like I said last week, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Now, I know what you are thinking, you think I had something to do with Carl Coolname. You think I set that all up for him to run out and once again throw in the towel for your sorry ass. <deadly serious now>
Well you're wrong. I had nothing to do with it. But tell me, just how pathetic does that make you? A man who has not shown his face around here in months comes back, and saves your ass once again.
Face it Alt, you are nothing. All that promise, all that potential, all that training, it's all for naught because every single time you are faced with adversity, every time it gets a little rough, you wilt and die.
You think I am a nice guy? How nice was that beating I gave you? How nice was it when I beat you bloody? How nice was it when I damn near stopped your heart with the heart punch? I now you Alt, you are too dumb to realize just how lucky you were that Alt saved your ass. See I know you, you are going to bitch anad moan about how you "had me right where you wanted me" when Coolname interfered and threw in the towel.
You are deluded. You were at my mercy - not a good place to be. See Alt, I had it all planned out in my head, and it was glorious. I had you right where I wanted you. Helpless on the mat. <speaking softer now> I could look down, and see you on the mat, I could see the fear in your eyes, the helplessness in you eyes.......and for a second, just a brief second........I WAS IN HEAVEN!
Alt, if anyone should be pissed about Coolname's interference, it should be me. I was going to finish you. I was going to destroy your career right there in the ring that night. You were helpless <closing his eyes and throwing his head back> I can see it all so clearly, you are hlepless, I keep hammering you with the heart punch, blood begins to pour from your mouth, your eyes roll into the back of your head and <jack begins cutting at the scar on his chest with a knife, keeping his eyes closed, blood pours down his chest> your body goes limp. The referee panicks and calls for the medics. While they load you on the stretcher, I watch. I watch as they work to save your life, save your career. It was all so perfect.......<Jack snaps back to reality>
But Coolname prevented that, at least for this week. Alt, you and I go again this week. This time, there will be no one to save you from me. It will all be up to you to save yourself. Can you do it? Can you did deep and save yourself? Cause you know damn well, if I have my way, the only way you leave that ring is on a stretcher.
Chris Alt, this is your last chance, you either come to that ring ready for a fight, ready for the fight of your life, or you leave that ring and you fade into obscurity, your career ruined, your life ruined, all at my hands. Chris Alt, you think really hard about this, make sure you are prepared, make sure you get it clear in your mind what is at stake. If you don't, I will take everything. I will destroy you
Trust me.
<Jack shatters the lightbulb with his hand and laughs that disturbing evil laugh as the room is once again cloaked in darkness
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:21:38 GMT -5
Attitude Adjuster is watching OOWF-TV in the lockerroom. UnderDawg and Blackdragon are discussing UD's gold chains.
AA: Uh-oh! Why do we always get in trouble with UnderDawg? We didn't do anything to him...well, except for stealing his chains...and the not-so-scalding hot coffee in the face...and the shot in the nuts by Johnny...I think we may have insulted him, too. And Blackdragon probably hasn't forgotten about the "Old Lady Dressed in Drag" beating or the whole Blackie Dragonowski thing.
AA thinks for a second.
AA: I think I better go find Johnny.
AA scurries out of the lockerroom, then runs back in, rummages through his gym bag, grabs UD's chains, and rushes back out the lockerroom door.
AA: Johnny!!!!!! We've got problems!!!!!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:22:11 GMT -5
*Chris Alt has just arrived at the arena, still dressed in his street clothes and wearing a Red Sox beanie, his bag slung over his shoulder. Curiously Gay Male Journalist approaches him*
CGMJ: Chris, this week is going to be a rematch between you and Moosehead Jack. After your second encounter with Jack was once again stopped by Carl Coolname--
*CA uses a hand to shove CGMJ out of the frame. CA glares intently into the camera*
CA: You're right, Moose. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Carl Coolname is still a jealous coward who is unable to cope with the fact that I can have sucess outside of a tag team and he cannot. You are still a depraved lunatic. Hardbody Harris is still the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF and Donovan Viper is STILL a homo. It just seems like hardly a damn thing has changed around here at all, now doesn't it?
But I'll tell you one thing that has changed in the last week, Jack. That's the man you're looking at right now. That's me, Moose. I've changed.
See, I went into our match this last week expecting a competition. You went into our match thirsty for carnage. You don't care about honor. You don't care about the spirit of competition. You don't even really care about winning or losing. All you care about is soaking yourself in blood. And as I spent the last seven days at home, licking my wounds, I had to ask myself how to beat you, Jack. And I realized if I was going to beat you, I was going to have to adapt. I can't beat you unless I'm willing to play your game.
And so that's exactly what I'll do, Jack. You want to see a different side of Chris Alt? You want to see how aggressive I can be? You want to see how VIOLENT I can be? Do you want to see BLOOD, Jack? Because tonight, you will see blood. Tonight, sir, there will be a bloodbath. But the blood that stains the ring, and the area surrounding the ring, and the faces of the fans sitting at ringside- that blood will not be mine, Moosehead Jack. That blood that you taste, the blood that heats the tip of your tongue, that blood that you will begin to choke on- that blood will be your own. And as you lay gasping for breath, unable to see anything but the blood in your eyes, unable to feel anything but the pain that I have caused you, unable to breathe through the blood that trickles into your lungs, you will ask yourself "what have I done? I have pushed a man to his breaking point. I have turned this man into a savage, untameable animal. I have turned Chris Alt into a monster in my own image, and this monster has shown me the mirror image of my own depravity."
You want carnage? You want violence? You want bloodshed? Do you want a fight, Jack? You've got one on your hands now, son. So sit in your little room with your little light bulb and say scary things to reassure yourself. But I know why you leave that lone light bulb burning, Jack: Not because you're scared of the dark, but because you're scared of the monsters that live in the dark. And Jack, I'm the monster of your own creation. Fear ME, Moosehead Jack. Fear the thing that you created that you cannot control. Fear the insanity that you have instilled in me. It's not prime time... it's end times.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:22:37 GMT -5
*Evil Wizard is pissed off as is making another potion of healing, he gulps it down. Behind him there is a curtain covering something up. As his energy comes back, the Sexy Female Journalist emerges with a mic. He gives her the once over as he begins to speak*
TEW: I shall have to remember a charm spell for you my dear...
SFJ: Please...
TEW: YOU SHALL LISTEN TO ME HARLOT!
*The Evil Wizard slaps the Sexy Female Journalist and she falls into a heep on the floor. He casts a quick spell at her and she falls on her back to reveal... A Groucho Marx mask on her face*
TEW: Do not bother me again! Last week you saw the TRUE POTENTIAL of my squadron of doom, my batallion of rapscallions, my elite four. Three matches - THREE WINS.
Microplay hasn't lost a match in weeks and STILL the OOWF is SCARED, no TERRIFIED to give him a title shot. The powers that be are scared to lose their grip to the forces of EVIL.
And when Mercury finally wins the GOLD, the intercontential championship - my play will begin to fall into place. Muwhahahaha!
*TEW looks at the unconscious Sexy Female Journalist and removes the mask with the side of his foot*
TEW: Yesss... you will make quite an addition to my crew - I will take you as my prisoner until... you... until you start to come around *MY* way of thinking, until you BELIEVE in me, in what I want to achieve here. You WILL BE MINE!
*The Evil Wizard brushes aside the curtain to reveal a cage, he swiftly dumps the Sexy Female Journalist there and locks it. He then casts an extra enchantment over the lock to make doubly sure*
TEW: I have great plans for you my dear, great plans....
*fade to black*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:23:00 GMT -5
<MHJ iswalking backstage, and is stopped by SFJ13>
SFJ13: Moose, Chris Alt had some strong comments for you, what do you have to say to him?
MHJ: well, well. The young whelp shows he wants to be a man and step up. That's good. But Chris, you see, I am a little concerned for you. See I always knew you were a coward. I always knew you were a pretty boy with no real substance. What I didn't know was that you are a stupid man.
You say the more things chance, the more they stay the same. You rattle off a bunch of things that are no different now than they were eight months ago, and in the same breath, you tell me that you went into our match expecting an athletic competition. See Chris that tells me that you are not a very smart man. Things have not changed in the last eight months. I am the same man now that I was then. And yet, you come into our match thinking I am something I am not.
<smirks> but then again, that line of reasoning suits you just fine doesn't it? It is natural for you to see others as something that they're not because that is exactly how you see yourself. Chris Alt, you say you are ready to play my game. But that's a lie and you know it. You are no more ready to dance with the devil than you are to step up and be a man.
You threaten me with violence, you threaten to spill my blood, you threaten to leave me choking on my own blood in the middle of the ring. Those are all nice words Chris, but you know damn well you can't deliver. See the difference between you and I is this, you talk a good game. You look real serious and say all the right things, but like always, when push comes to shove, you cannot back up your words. Me? Well, Chris, I think you know all too well that I am more than capable of backing up my threats.
Alt, you say I leave the light on because I fear the monsters in the dark. I suppose now I should fear you, I have turned Chris Alt into a monster. Let me tell you something Chris I AM the monster in the dark. I AM the thing that lurks in the darkness. Alt, you may take a trip to the darkness, you may come to my neck of the woods, but I guarantee you this: you will not like what you see.
Alt, at MidWeek Mayhem, I am begging you, make good on your promises. You want me to bleed, DO IT! YOu want me to suffer? DO IT! For once in your miserable life, back up your words with action!
<getting up close to the camera> You Can't Alt, YOU CAN'T! AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU CAN'T! YOU WANT TO TAKE ME TO THE END OF TIME! THEN LET'S DO IT! Alt I have nothing to lose, it is all on you. Be a man and back up your words. If you don't ......
I
Will
Own
You
Trust me.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:23:21 GMT -5
JW walks into the wCw locker room and finds three paracutes neatly packed sitting next to some Sky diving gear.
there is a note:
Birdman-
we went to get some Red Bull and Monster. BE back soon.
Cap & TW
PS. We have an appointment at Ossipee Sky Diving in an hour.
JW: FUCK FUCK FUCK.....these boys will be the death of me
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:23:44 GMT -5
Hardbody Harris is watching “Red Shoe Diaries” on his TRIK*D OWT TYTLE when he hears a knock on the door. As soon as the scene is finished, he answers and wipes the sweat from his brow. Capellan comes in.*
C: Hey, Hardbody. How’s it going?
HH: Good, good. Sorry, buddy, Fievel can’t play. He went on a date with one of the chinchillas.
C: No, no, I’m looking for you. We have a match this week at Midweek Mayhem. I just wanted to drop in and see what you were up to.
HH: Wait…you’re Capellan? I thought Capellan was the one with the funny accent?
C: No, that’s somebody else. I’m the on…
HH: Oh, so you’re the one who wins matches just by sitting on them?
C: No, if you let me finish, I’m th…
HH: Hmm. They really should give you undercard guys a title.
C: We have one. It’s called the Onslaught Championship. I’m actually a former champ.
HH: No kidding? How’d that work out for you?
C: Well, I don’t have it anymo…
HH: Yeah, I’m watching that know. Apparently my pride and joy here has On-Demand. I can’t believe you lost to a guy named “Thim.” There had to be a typo in that somewhere.
C: Right. Anyway, you remember when you lost your smile after losing to Donovan Viper all those times?
HH: …
C: Yeah, speechless. Well, I beat him, which is just about the opposite of what you did to him. Or maybe you DID beat him, if you catch my drift?
HH: HE IS NOT A HOMO!!! He’s just…confused, is all.
C: I don’t care. But that Tricked Out Title looks m…
HH: It’s pronounced TRIK*D OWT TYTLE.
C: How can you tell how I’m spelling my words?
HH: It’s a gift.
C: Just thought I’d let you know that I’ll be taking your belt soon. Oh, and your pink lemonade stand? The drink had way too much sugar. See ya.
*Capellan leaves and Hardbody takes the criticism to heart, a single tear rolling down his cheek.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:24:03 GMT -5
"Dude, maybe you were a bit harsh on Hardbody." Wilder swigs a Dew as wCw sit in the belly of a plane, parachutes on their back.
"A bit." Capellan acknowledges, "But man, this is pink lemonade we're talking about. It's an American institution, like apple pie, the Superbowl and getting laid on prom night. You don't mess with stuff like that."
"I thought it was OK." Wilder shrugs.
"That's 'cause you love to be hopped up on sugar." Capellan grins. "I'm just sayin' lemonade should be recognizably lemon-y. Tart, like an SFJ. Isn't that right, Birdy?"
"Hmmm?" Westgaard looks up from where he is laboring over a piece of paper, "Hey, how do you spell 'testament', again?"
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:24:25 GMT -5
## The camera fades up to show an oiled Thim Reynolds lying on a massage table being given a rub down by three Thimanoids (36, 26,34)
T1: so who are you taking down this week Thim
TR: errr, Uncle Entity I think . .
T2: you're fighting someones uncle?? Won't he be a bit old??
T3: and haven't you beaten him like 3 times already??
TR: Well yes I have but if this is the quality of opponents that theRick wants to put in front of me then I can only assume that theRick is in a much better mood with me at the moment . . . has one of you been visiting him in the wee small hours perhaps??
T2: well, maybe just the once
TR: well thank you, but I hope you showered properly afterwards . . .
T1: so what happened to Canadian Dragon?? I thought he was the next big thing gunnung for your title
TR: well yes . . . but let's emphasise the WAS part there. He WAS until I made him pass out and nearly broke his arm in the middle of the ring - don't think we'll be seeing too much of him in the near future. I certainly wouldn't want to come back too quickly after getting my ass handed to me that badly
T3: so we get to watch you in an exhebition style beat-down on this Uncle guy this week then
TR: that's about the size of it . . . how would you like me to beat him this time?? Reflex-O-Lock, Adjustment or perhaps the Total SPinal Realignment
T1: ooo yes, go for that last one and see how long you can put him out for
TR: sounds like a plan, you're on
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:24:48 GMT -5
Attitude Adjuster is walking the hallways, stopping every 50 feet or so to paste a flyer on the wall. Invisible Ninja Cameraman stops to zoom in on the latest flyer:
MISSING: Johnny Adrenaline
LAST SEEN: At last Wednesday’s Midweek Mayhem.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Golf clubs, polo shirts, sings sappy 80s rock ballads, often seen “Raising the Roof” for no apparent reason, really well conditioned hair.
BELIEVED KIDNAPPERS: Underdawg and Blackdragon.
REASON: Mad at Johnny for stealing UD’s gold chains. Consider culprits armed and dangerous, and really, really mean.
REWARD: Autographed photo of Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline cutting one of their award-winning promos.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:25:11 GMT -5
<MHJ is storming around back stage, obviously in a foul mood. As he rounds the corner he runs into Fievel and Hardbody Harris>
MHJ: Look who it is, the only man that can save Chris Alt from being beaten to death.
HH: Moose, you have a problem with....
F: Yeah, you don't scare us! Hawdbody Hawis could lick you with one arm....
<Jack flinches at Fievel sending him scurrying behind Harris>
HH: It's ok Fievel, look Jack, I don't know what your problem is, Chris Alt is his own man, and if you wanna know the truth, I think he can beat you.
MHJ: Is that so. So, let me get this right, you think Chris Alt is a better wrestler than me, a more vicious competitor than I am and he is going to beat me in the middle of the ring?
CA: That's right. Not only is he my best friend, but he is the second best wrestler in the OOWF. He will prove that by beating you.
MHJ: I see, well then Harris <stepping real close to HH> when, not if, but when, I beat Chris Alt to a bloody heap in the middle of the ring, I want you to remember it is on your head. And when I am done ending Chris Alt's career, I am letting you know right now, your title, your career, is next.
HH: That's not going to happen Jack, I am the #1 FACE IN THE..........
MHJ: Save it. I don't care who you are, you bleed just the same as anyone else. You couldn't even handle Donovan Viper, you really think you have what it takes to go toe to toe with me? Think about that for awhile.....champ. I already know the answer, trust me.
<Jack walksaway leaving Harris in deep thought.>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:25:34 GMT -5
*Skeem Gene is watching MHJ on the monitor*
SG: Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays! Anyways, I'm here with the Team From Down Under, the OOWF Tag Team Champions, and....
GB: Hey, Wally, would you ever say that "somebody's got a case of the Mondays" in your line of work?
WBK: No, mate, no. I believe you'd get your ass kicked saying something like that.
OBJ: Right.
SG: Whatever. Now about WCW...
GB: They're good.
OBJ: Agreed.
SG: Wally?
WBK: We look forward to meeting them on Wednesday.
SG: Come on guys! You call this cutting a promo?
WBK: We're conserving energy right now. Those guys are very athletic, so my team has been doing extra cardio this week in addition to their usual training.
SG: Treadmill? Nordic Track?
WBK: Extra sessions with the relaxation technicians.
OBJ: If you'll excuse us, we have a workout scheduled.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:25:56 GMT -5
** L.D. Williams is standing with SFJ# 4and 3/8**
SFJ: “L.D., The Evil Wizard says that Mercury winning the Intercontinental Title at Midweek Mayhem will be the first step in his plan. Your thoughts?”
LD: “Mr Wizard is still kinda new around here. He doesn’t have much grasp of OOWF history. So let me fill in some details…”
**Williams holds up the title belt**
LD: “One year. Three hundred and sixty five solid days of blood, sweat, and Johnny Adrenaline. That’s what it took for me to win this belt. When I lose it, and I know I will, cause that’s how things go, it’ll be to a man who’s at the top of his game. A man with more talent, skill, and flat out luck, than most of the OOWF. It will NOT be to a fourth rate tag team failure with a chemical fetish and a big mouthed manager.
I suggest you go out and buy a salt shaker for that master plan , wizard, ‘cause your gonna be eating it. One thing you learn pretty quick around here is that the best laid plans of Moose and Man often go awry. If your master plan hinges on me losing this belt, it’s done before it even starts.
So bring your little plan, and your spellbook, and all the other puppets you’ve hired. Hell, bring 52nd airborne for all the difference it’ll make. Mercury is not taking this belt.”
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:26:18 GMT -5
3 Piece Set is getting ready in their locker room.
FC: Tonight, I'm going end this feud with Seraph. Time to put him back into the hospital where he belongs.
Ax: That guy is a freak. Stupid as hell too. He should know that he takes his life in his hands when he messes with us.
FC: You play with fire and your going to get burned.
Cole: Good, I'll be glad when that reject is gone from our lives. We are going to show him and the rest of the OOWF what a force this faction is about to become.
Ax: We were already great, we are about to become legendary. And Mark Vander is going to be victim number one. Vander took his girl from him and now I'm going to take his career.
Cole: Well you'll wipe the floor with Vander but did you see who I have to face. A freaking undead pirate wizard or something like that. What pride is there in that draw?
Ax: You mean Smoley in the worst gimmick in the history of wrestling?
Cole: Smoley?
Ax: Yea, that's the rumor.
Cole: God damn that is a terrible gimmick. I kind of feel bad for that stupid f*ck. He must have really pissed of The Rick.
Ax: That is worse then Mantaur.
FC: Or the Shockmaster.
Cole: Well I'm going to send his ass back to the unemployment line.
Ax: It is just a matter of time before the three of us are decked out in gold again.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:26:40 GMT -5
Viper is in the interview area with Missy and the ninja.
SFJ 99 Luft Balloons: Viper, how do you feel about this week's match against Microplay?
DV: It's nothing to me.
SFJ99LB: But he beat your former mentor, the UnderDawg at Hell On Earth. Surely, that shows how much of a competetor Microplay is.
DV: All it shows is how much of a competor the UnderDawg is NOT. He's been shit ever since I ditched him. I, however, became world fucking champion - and beat Micropenis for that title, formed up my own crew, recruited a freaking ninja, and stole this lovely lady away from Mark Vander. And don't call me Shirley.
SFJ99LB: Well, you won that world championship with the help of Underdawg, if I recall, and now Microplay has the Evil Wizard on his side, who has definitely shown what an influence he has on matches.
DV: Listen, bitch! I won that world champion with my own skill, strength, and cunning. Underdawg had nothing to do with it. And that Evil Wizard doesn't mean diddly shit when I've got Ayaka around.
SFJ99LB: The ninja is Ayaka?
DV: Fucking DUH! Silent, japanese, martial artist that carries a bat. Who else did you think she was?
SFJ99LB: Well, for a while I thought it was Missy, but obviously that's not the case.
DV: Obviously, you dumb broad! Listen, I will crush Micropussy on Wednesday and then I will do to Hardbody Harris what I did to Microbitch months ago. Take his title.
SFJ99LB: Well, you could've been doing that this week if you didn't lose to Capellan last week.
DV: You know what, bitch? You are pissing me off! Ayaka!
Ayaka, in a mere split second, grabs SFJ99LB in a reverse headlock position and DELIVERS THE SIDEWINDER TO SFJ ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR! Viper grabs the mic.
DV: You see Microplay, THAT's what will happen to your Evil Wizard if he sticks his nose in our match. Anyone who played Magician Lord knows that a ninja is way cooler than a wizard.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:27:12 GMT -5
[Attitude Adjuster is seen sweating in front of a wall in the hallway of the arena talking to himself.]
AA: Okay... I gotta do this. If anything happened to Johnny, I gotta save him. [Takes bite of sandwich.] Damn, that's good.
[Shot pans out to reveal AA standing next to UnderDawg's dressing room door.]
AA: Here goes nothing.
[AA politely knocks on UD's door. No answer. AA knocks a little louder. Again, no response. AA looks around in confusion, then POUNDS on UD's door.]
AA: COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR YOU WASHED UP SACK OF S***!
[Suddenly, Johnny Adrenaline comes strolling down the hallway.]
JA: Tude, what's the problem, man?
AA: But Johnny... I thought you... but...
JA: I flew home to play a round of golf, and I got held at the terminal for trying to sneak a razor-wired baseball bat onto the plane. Don't know why they wouldn't let me on.
AA: But your cell phone...
JA: I was an idiot and left it in my bag. It was in baggage the whole time. WHy are you pounding on UD's door.
AA: Um... I don't remember. Come on, let's go.
[Before the Chickenshit Heels can get away, UD swings the door open right into Johnny's face, and Adrenaline falls down like he'd been shot.]
UD: This better be good, Capps! I was in the middle of a good nap.
AA: [looks down at Johnny and realizes he's in trouble] Uh... um... I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar... please?
[UD grabs AA and chokeslams him right there in the hallway.]
UD: [shakes his head] Kids...
[UD walks back inside and AA and JA are out cold as we fade to black.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:27:48 GMT -5
*Drink & Destroy are at Harris's Lemonade stand when Styner and Murder stroll up to the former champs and slap each across the face. Mikey Styner and Dr. Murder run as D&D give chase. Styner and Murder round a corner. D&D are in hot pursuit when they are AMBUSHED by The Evil Wizard who throws a blue powder in D&D's faces. The Evil Wizard and crew beat a hasty retreat as D&D stand there in a cloud of blue powder coughing. The cloud dissapates and D&D stand there in the hallway, confused.*
FFC - What happened?
Stank - I don't smurfin know.
FFC - You don't wha?
Stank - Tha... That's not what I meant to smurfin sa.. WHAT? What the SMURF is WRONG with me?
FFC - Ha ha ha! Cut it out Stank!
Stank - This ain't funny Lock. I can't SMURFIN CURSE! GODSMURFIT! SMURF!!
FFC - HA HA HA HA! You sound like a smurfin moron! Uh...smurf? OH SMURF!
Stank - Stop making fun me!
FFC - I'm NOT! I can't smurfin curse either!
D&D - SMUUUUUUURF!
Stank - Ok relax! It's obvious The Evil weasel has put some sort of spell on us to make us smurf this wa... SMURF IT! AAAAAGH! Ok... deep breath... what the smurf are we gonna smurf? SMUUUUURF!!!
FFC - We are gonna find that SMURF and SMURF him up. THAT'S what we'll do.
Stank - Then we'll force him to smurf this spell.
FFC - What do you mean by that?
Stank - Smurf this... smurf... resmurf... REVERSE! Reverse the GODSMURF SPELL! SMURFIT!
FFC - Try to relax Stank. You'll only smurf yourself and make the smurf smurf...uuuuuugghh. WHY DON'T we JUST NOT SMURF! I MEAN TALK!
Stank - Fine.
*The Evil Wizard and crew are standing around the corner trying to suppress their laughter.*
TEW - Excellent. This is only stage one of the transformation. Wait til they see themselves in a couple of hours.
Styner - Hee Hee. What happens then?
TEW - You'll see. Everyone will see.
Dr. M - La laaa lala la la.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:28:37 GMT -5
*Phil walks into the building to check this week's line up. Outside, he passes Beast holding a picket sign.*
PH: Yar, what th' hell be that?
B: I'm on strike, shit-dick. I shouldn't even be in this segment. So keep fuckin' walkin'.
iP: Raaaawk! Picket pussy. Raaaaawk!
PH: Yar har har.
B: Hey, shut that stupid thing up! I didn't want it anyway. Those iParrot Nanos were better anyway. They totally repaired my broken and burned body... not that I couldn't have done that myself. The only problem is that once they were done I had to pee them out. That fuckin' hurt.
PH: Yar. Ain't you s'posed ta bein' on strike?
B: Oh yeah. Fuck you.
*Phil turns and walks into the arena. He passes a tv monitor and on it he sees the following exchange:
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:29:21 GMT -5
Inside the dressing room, Underdawg remembers...
UD: Wait. Those idiots still have my gold chains. Why didn't I think of that before. You're getting senile in your age, Dawg.
Underdawg opens the door. Johnny and Attitude are gone!
UD: Dammit!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:29:49 GMT -5
[Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are seen sitting in their locker room, still selling their injuries from Underdawg's unprovoked and unmitigated assault on them earlier, and the Chickenshit Heels see UD's promo on the monitor.]
AA: [holding his neck] Man, its a good thing we saw that promo. Now we'll know to be on the lookout for him.
JA: Why did we take his gold chains again?
AA: For the dog collar match, remember?
JA: You mean this is like continuity? In a wrestling storyline? Forget it.
AA: Yeah, unlike some places, our writers here have some sense.
JA: Imagine that.
[Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.]
JA: Who is it?
AA: It's Dawg. He's coming to sacrifice us!
Ric Flair: It's me, boys! I got sandwiches. Help me out, my hands are full.
AA: Oh, well in that case...
[AA opens the door, but before he can grab the sandwiches, BlackDragon pulls him out into the hall and gives him a DKO Drop. Johnny follows out to see what the commotion is, and UnderDawg blindsides him with a big boot, then finishes him off with a Fireplug Driver on the concrete floor. UD and BD begin to walk away.]
BD: Yo Dawg, you wanna get your chains?
UD: We'll get 'em next time. It's too much fun beating on them boys.
[BD and UD leave, but not before grabbing the sandwiches from Flair. AA begins to stir and looks up at Flair, who sat by and watched the entire time.]
AA: I thought you were with us, man.
RF: DIRTIEST PLAYER IN THE GAME, FAT BOY! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[fade to black]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:30:19 GMT -5
Marc Lloyd - Oooooo Blue Man Group!
Stank - SHUT the SMURF up!
ML - Huh? Is that you... Stank?
FFC - No interviews smurf-wad. We got no comments at this time.
Stank - Except to say that The Evil Wizard and his crew can SUCK MY SMURF~!
*Drink & Destroy head into their locker room in obvious dismay*
Stank - What are we gonna do Lock? It's getting worse! NOW we're smurfin blue man! BLUE! You know what's next.
FFC - We shrink down to size and start smurfin... uh... HANGIN out with Fieval. I am not going out like that!
Stank - There has GOT to be something we can smurf...AAARGGGG!... DO!
FFC - We have to catch the Evil Wizard and FORCE him to change us BACK!
G - Maybe *I* can help.
*FF Capslock & Stank look at the small balding elderly man who has just intruded on their conversation.*
Stank - Tell me I'm not seeing who I think I'm seeing.
FFC - This has to be some sort of smurf effect to the spell. You're not...
G - Yep it's me... Gargamel.
Stank - I quit. I smurfin quit.
FFC - Now HOLD on Stank. Let's hear what the guy has to say. Smurf ahead mister Gargamel.
Stank - Just smurf a second. Even IF this guy is who he smurfs to be, isn't he the sworn ENEMY of the Smurfs?... ... I cannot believe I'm having this conversation.
G - Indeed and THAT is why you fail.
FFC - What are you now... Yoda?
G - Listen. I'm a sorcerer. You need a spell. I can provide you with a spell... but... you must... BELIEVE.
Stank - Uh... In case you haven't noticed... I'm blue and I can't smurf without saying smurf every other smurf. This is smurfin INSANE.
FFC - Well if you're insane then we're smurfin some sort of shared mindsmurf, cause I'm blue too and I have NO desire to see this transmurfmation to it's conclusion.
G - Then let me help you. I have a spell here that might work. It depends on your believing though. It FEEDS off your belief.
FFC - Just cast the smurf already!
G - Do you have a cauldron?
Stank - Does it SMURF like we would have something like that here?
G - Nevermind then. It would be better with one but, oh well.
*Gargamel waves his hands twice and recites in an ancient tongue. There is a flash, a puff of smoke and... nothing else happens. D&D are still blue*
G - Hmmm that didn't work. Do you believe with all your heart.
FFC - I have to admit... I'm find it difficult.
G - *Groan* Fine then! I'll need to bring in some outside help. We need to help your unbelief.
Stank - You need to tell your smurfin CAT to stop staring at us like THAT.
G - Azarel shoosh! *The cat leaps under a table.* Sorry about that. Azarel loves to antagonize Smurfs.
FFC - Yeah could you hurry it up. I can feel myself smurfing... I mean shrinking.
G - Right.
*Gargamel waves his hands and a puppydog dressed in street gear appears*
Stank - What... the... smurf?
FFC - Um... How is THIS supposed to help us?
PTR - I'm Parappa the Rappa!
G- He's here to help you believe.
PTR - I GOTTA BELIEVE!
*The lights dim and a piano tune starts up. It's soon joined by other instruments as a catchy beat begins to play. Parappa, Gargamel, and Azarel start swaying to the rhythm*
G - Somebody say ho!
PTR & Az - HO!
G - Say ho! Ho!
PTR & AZ - HO HO!
G - Say ho! ho! ho!
PTR & AZ - HO HO HO!
G - Now scream!
PTR & AZ - WAAAAOOOOO!!!
G & AZ - Watcha gonna do when they come?
PTR - I gotta redeem!
G & Az - Whatcha gonna do when they come?
PTR - I gotta relieve!
G & Az - Whatcha gonna do when they come?
PTR - I gotta recieve!
G & Az - You gotta do what? You gotta do what?
PTR - I gotta Believe!
*Drink & Destroy stand there staring at the scene*
Stank - Shoot me now.
FFC - Are we dreaming?
PTR - Come on guys! Those aren't the lyrics... Hey you everyBAAHDEE Just check out the way I live EveryBAHDEE!
Stank - Yo man I ain't doin this. I liked the idea of smurfin up The Evil Wizard and making him reverse this spell better.
FFC - As a matter a fact, I wouldn't mind beating up a few people in this room.
Stank - We're running out of time. Let's just go... now.
*Drink & Destroy head out of their locker room leaving a rapping puppy, cat and sorcerer behind.*
PTR - P to the A to the R to the A Parappa's the name I rap everyday.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you everybody! And don't forget, You gotta believe! Thank you!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 15, 2008 15:30:49 GMT -5
*In the TFDU locker room*
OBJ: What time is it?
GB: 5 minutes from the last time you asked, not that I'm telling you anything you don't already know. Relax, the Foster's guy will make the delivery soon.
OBJ: Hey, I hear someone outside.
*opens door*
OBJ: Gator, are Stank and Capslock usually blue?
GB: No.
OBJ: Then I wish to hell that Foster's guy would hurry up.
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