Midweek Mayhem (6/12) Live from Wasilla, Alaska

[BookerShark]

OOWF Midweek Mayhem
Live from Wasilla, Alaska
Wednesday, June 12th 2013


Onslaught Title Match
Amazing Jos (c) vs. Chris Evans

Intercontinental Title Proving Ground
Mai Muyo (c) vs. Christian Carter vs. Tommy Wilder vs. Alexis Darling

Tag Team Non-Title[/b]
Saints of Sinners (LD Williams & Stank) (c) vs. Danny Taylor & Firewoman


Saints of Sinners (Moosehead Jack, Chloe, & Jeremy Punswick) vs. Texpress & Stan Fulton
Alexander Darling vs. Matt Folz
Ghosthead vs. Jason Allen
Banned from Everywhere vs. Murphy's Law
Poe vs. The Word
Miranda vs. Kai



Card subject to Sarah Palin become President because if that happens, we are all fucked.

[BookerShark]

Fire is STORMING~! backstage. She spies Danny Taylor and Victor and heads towards them.

DVD: Fire, now's not--

She shoves Victor out of the way.

DVD: Hey!

FW: What the fuck was THAT all about?

Danny looks over and down at her, and then away.

FW: Oh, no you don't. Look. At. Me.

Danny does, sadly.

FW: I do Not. Need. Your. Protection.

DDT: ....

FW: I don't know what has gotten into you lately, but get the fuck over it. You ever get in my way in the ring again and I'll.....

Danny looks at her sadly, as her voice trails off. Her rage subsides a bit.

FW: I'll ... Look....Danny...

But Danny just sighs and turns and walks sadly away.

DVD: Really. You think that's helping?

Victor goes off after Danny, while Fire stands there, before heading off to the Darling Luxury Suites.

[BookerShark]

<Moose, LD and Stank are sitting in the back>

MHJ: Say it!

Sta: No

MHJ: SAY IT!

LDW: Look, Moose maybe she....

MHJ: NO! I told you.....I told you she HAS to be difficult! She HAS to be a diva and side against me every fucking time! We gave her the chance, all she had to do was ditch the stupid fucking white hat and go about her business and leave us alone and her and Miranda would be fine, but noooooooo Lisa Quinn cannot stay out of my shit! ADMIT IT!

LDW: <sighing> Fine......you were right. You do realize this is a problem, right?

MHJ: No, it isn't. She is one person. She is a great wrestler, and she can be a fucking BEAST in the ring, but one person is NOT going to bring the Saints down. She wants to continue our war? So be it. I tried, she fucked it up. So be it.

<Stank has been sitting there listening the whole time, he just shakes his head>

Sta: It's not that simple. Maybe YOU can just go to war with her because you two are fucking insane......for me and LD it's not that simple. She is like a sister....

MHJ: A sister who has decided that her new family was more important than any of us. Just remember that

<Moose gets up and leaves the locker room to go check on Chloe>

LDW: This is going to get ugly isn't it

Sta: Still too soon to tell. The White Hats are not exactly on the same page. The Darlings have their own agenda, Danny refused to wear the hat.....but if anyone could bring them together, it would be that damn stubborn woman.....

<fade>

[BookerShark]

~~~ Stank is standing outside the Arena, waiting for something. THe Texpress Tour Bus coasts by, stops, and a window slides open. Chad Madison pops his head out. ~~~

Chad: I don't know who my enemy is? I know exactly who the enemy is big boy. You. It's always been you. Always will be.

Let me leave you with one thought as you make the long ride to Wasilla (Small Cheap Pop). You lost. To. Me. Let that stick in your craw all the way to Alaska. I hope it eats you up inside.

~~~ Chad flashes the 'Horns' sign as the bus pulls away. ~~~

Stank: Dammit. Chloe needs to hurry up with the fucking car.

~~~ Fade ~~~

[BookerShark]

*Stank watches the Texpress Express drive by.*

Stank - Man, What I wouldn't give for one of Justin's missile launchers right no- AHHH!

*Justin Sane suddenly appears next to Stank holding a missile launcher.*

JS - Hey boss!

Stank - Don't sneak up on me like that!

JS - Here you go.

Stank - I was... I was just joking, Justin... where did you get-?

JS - Chief Big Bear's Shoes and Military Supplies.

*Stank looks where Justin Sane is pointing and sees a Native American standing in front of a stand displaying shoes and various arms.*

Stank - ...uh... ... Just all out in the open like that, huh?

JS - Gotta love Canada.

Stank - Yeah... uh... anyway thanks but-

*Chloe walks into frame out of nowhere and without addressing anyone, she smoothly picks up the missile launcher, aims, and fires it at The Texpress Express! The rocket explodes near the side of the bus, tipping it over onto its side!*

Stank - ...

JS - ...

Chloe - ...

Stank - That... was ill advised.

*The driver, Chad, Zane, and everyone else inside the bus are seen climbing out of the emergency exits, windows, and skylight.*

Stank - Chloe um.... I .. uh.. Chole.. I.. don't have the words.

Chloe - You're welcome?

JS - Can I borrow five dollars?

*Stank reaches in his pocket and starts to hand Justin five bucks when...*

Stank - HOLD it! What are you going to do with this?

JS - Wow... uh... No one's ever asked me that before.

Stank - You STAY away from that stand!

*SFJ#4 appears with mic in hand.*

SFJ#4 - The Saint's of Sinners just committed an act of terrorism. The OOWF Universe would like to know when did you know and how many were involved?

Stank - Wait! WHAT?

SFJ#4 - We've got copies of e-mails sent by the Saints of Sinners administration, clearly showing changes in the talking points.

Stank - WHAT TALKING POINTS?

SFJ#4 - Has LJ Bennett targeted specific talent in his roster denying them title opportunities based solely on the color of the hats they wear?

Stank - I have no idea what you are implying.

SFJ#4 - In the aftermath of the terrorist attack you failed to condemn the actions of your colleague.

Stank - You mean just ten seconds ago when I said it was ill-advised?

SFJ#4 - Many are calling for Moosehead Jack to step down as World Champion.

Stank - Must be a Thursday. What talking points?

SFJ#4 - Banned from Everywhere have put out a statement claiming no wrong doing, while Chloe insisted on Sunday Morning talk shows that the attack was simply in response to comments from Chad Madison mocking you, in your loss to him Wednesday.

Stank - Sunday?Morning?Talk shows??

SFJ#4 - Did you order the attack?

JS - You don't have to answer that, boss.

Stank - Stay outta this! You want answers!

SFJ#4 - I think the OOWF Universe is entitled to them.

Stank - You want answers!?!

SFJ#4 - I WANT THE TRUTH!

Stank - YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! ... Woman, we exist in a federation that is filled with predators and prey, and sombody has to sit atop that food chain. Who's gonna do it? You? The OOWF Universe? The Saints have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Texpress, and the like, after we beat them down, and you curse us. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the burning down of the OOWF, while tragic, probably saves careers. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves this place. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want the Saints on top, you NEED the Saints on top. We use words like Trust, Respect, Blood. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a people who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very existence the Saints provide, and then questions the manner in which we provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a T-Shirt, a hat, and choose a side. Either way, I don't give a damn what you, or the "OOWF UNIVERSE" think you are entitled to.

SFJ#4 - DID you ORDER the ATTACK?

Stank - I did the JOB to Chad Ma-

SFJ#4 - DID YOU ORDER THE ATTACK?

Stank - YOU GOTDAMN RIGHT I DID!

SFJ#4 - ... .

Stank - Wait.. No! Why did I say that?

Fade

[BookerShark]

<Inside a court room in Whitehorse, Yukon Territory>

Bailiff: All rise, Whitehorse Criminal Court part two is now in session, the honorable Justin Sane presiding. Be seated

Court Clerk: our first case….Lucas Mann vs. the Town of Whitehorse, assault with a deadly weapon

<Bailiff Bill From Dawsonville brings Stank into the courtroom and sits him at his table by his lawyer, the Evil Wizard>

Sta: Are you fucking kidding me?

TEW: Don’t worry, we got this

Sta: Where the hell did YOU come from? Everyone hated you! You were in the OOWF for like five minutes

TEW: I went to medical school

Sta: THIS IS A LEGAL TRIAL

TEW: it’s all good

<just then, the prosecuting attorney clears his throat and walks around the court room, we see it is none other than Alan “AA” Capps>

Sta: Oh for the love of….

AA: The following charges are brought by the court. First, Lucas Mann did knowingly violate the Canadian rules governing weapon ownership….

TEW: I’d like to address these charges one at a time if I may….

JS: You’ll get your chance smart guy! Continue

AA: Second….for the fifth consecutive MidWeek Mayhem, Mr. Mann used ILLEGAL tactics during the course of his match….

TEW: Half the roster uses illegal tactics!

JS: You’ll speak when you’re told to, and not before!

Sta: You’re doing great, awesome job

AA: Third….that the organization Mr. Mann belongs to, the Saints of Sinners, routinely provided dangerous alcoholic beverages to its members during…..

TWE: Wait! That’s not true……wait a minute…..that’s a charge? They are all over 21

AA: Sidebar, I would like to provide exhibit A

<AA produces a quart of PCPL>

AA: This is Pine Cone Party Likker, a substance so toxic that it can remove the rust from hockey blades

<the jury gasps>

AA: Mr. Mann and his cohorts would routinely consume this dangerous libation, IN THE PRESENCE OF SUCH ALTERNATIVES AS TIM HORTON’S COFFEE!

<the jury and the crowd gasp, then a general murmur goes up, Justin gavels it to silence>

JS: I’ll allow it…..oh, can I borrow five bucks too?

<AA gives him five bucks>

TEW: THAT’S NOT EVEN OURS!

<Bailiff Bill From Dawsonville sneaks over and grabs the PCPL and whistles as he walks away>

AA: and most recently, Mr. Mann and the Saints of Sinners held a Roman Toga Party…..

Sta: Is he just reciting the court room scene from Animal House?

TEW: You held a toga party?

Sta: NO!

AA: ……from which we have received two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion, so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here. These are the charges, as recorded this day, June 6, 2013, faithfully submitted, All…….eh…….Bob Loblaw, attorney at large

JS: Mr. Wizard, your rebuttal?

TEW: I don’t think you can fully judge a man without looking at the positive qualities of the things he has done. The Saints of Sinners, and specifically Mr. Mann has a long history of public works and good deeds…..

JS: I think we’ve heard enough

TEW: But…..I am supposed to have a chance at rebuttal!

JS: Do you have five dollars Mr. Wizard?

TEW: I ……no?

JS: Ok then…..the court will now decide!

<from the crowd>

MHJ: BULLSHIT!

LDW: BLOWJOB!

CC: ASSHOLE

TEW: Will you tell those assholes to shut up! They are ruining this!

Sta: This is, literally, word for word, right out of Animal House

<The Evil Wizard just stares at him>

Sta: <Sighing and turning in his chair> WILL YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP!

TEW: Point of parliamentary procedure!

Sta: Don’t screw around. They’re serious! Why the hell did I just say that? It’s Justin Fucking Sane!

TEW: Don’t worry, I’m pre-law

Sta: I thought you were pre-med?

TEW: What’s the difference?

Sta: For the love of…..

TEW: Canadian Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The issue here is not if my client broke a few rules by authorizing the firing of a rocket launcher at a bus, in clear knowledge that there were people on said bus….he did. But you can’t hold a man responsible for the behavior of a sick, perverted individual, in this case Chloe Neal….if you do, shouldn’t we blame the entire Canadian legal system? And if the whole Canadian legal system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of the entire country of Canada? I put it to you, Your Honor, is this not an indictment of ALL OF CANADA? Well….you can do what you want to Mr. Mann, but I am not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the great country of CANADA! GENTLEMEN!

<The Evil Wizard gets up and starts to march out of the court room, Stank grabs him by the arm, pulls him back and hits a STANK-U through the table! The Evil Wizard is DEAD!>

Sta: Justin?

JS: Yeah boss?

Sta: I am going to represent myself

JS: Can I borrow five bucks?

<Stank sighs and hands Justin five bucks, before he can say anything, AA goes OFF>

AA: WHAT? PROSECUTE ME! I’M ALREADY PROSECUTED! ABUSE! OF! POWER! THIS MAN! Yeah I’m talking to YOU fat boy! Is it not true that on more than ONE occasion, you lost a title at GUNPOINT!

Sta: YES! IT IS! Once was to Ecosystem, and once was to YOU!

AA: Wait, what? STRIKE THAT QUESTION! Is it also true, that you once went BACK IN TIME to attack my partner and my ANCESTORS!

<gasp from the crowd>

Sta: That was YOUR promo!

AA: WHAT? <AA takes off his coat and slams it on the floor and ELBOW DROPS it!>

Sta: IN FACT……Justin……do you know who this man is?

JS: The prosecutor guy?

Sta: This is Attitude Adjuster……Allan Capps

JS: Oh yeah! I know that guy!

Sta: Do you know what he once did in Canada?

JS: No

Sta: Attitude Adjuster and his partner Johnny Adrenaline murdered a Canadian Indian Shaman. They are wanted by Canadian authorities

JS: <eyes narrowing at AA> I feel like I should have you arrested

AA: ARREST ME? I’M ALREADY ARRESTED…..wait….

<just then about a dozen Mounties jump AA. In the scrum, somehow AA frees himself and quickly pulls a mask over his head, then casually sits down at the table and starts looking at his papers, whistling. The Mounties look around in confusion>

JS: HE GOT AWAY!

Sta: Are you serious?

JS: Wait…..who is this masked guy?

Masked Guy: Me? Oh, I am the Masked Prosecutor. Great gimmick, I bought it from Gene Kiniski in 1962

JS: Oh…..cool!

Sta: This is……<Stank reaches over and pulls the mask off AA’s head, the Mounties quickly jump on him and put him in handcuffs and lead him out of the courtroom. They approach Stank, and he complies and gets lead to the same cell>

<wavy lines, and we see Stank sitting in a cell, with AA sitting on a chair outside the cell>

AA: So?

Sta: So…..your promo ends up with you being in jail with me.

AA: YES! The voters will see how I suffered for my art! It will be one of those Art house pieces! Voters eat that shit up!

Sta: It still wouldn’t change the fact that WE ARE BOTH IN A CANADIAN JAIL CELL!

AA: We can edit that out in post production

Sta: You really have no concept of how reality works anymore, do you?

AA: Does it matter? So, I take that as a yes?

Sta: Go away

AA: Lucas, baby, come on man……is that any way to treat your best friend?

Sta: We have been enemies for almost ten years. In fact, I hate you. Why are you here?

AA: To win promo of the year…….isn’t that why you are here?

Sta: I AM HERE BECAUSE JUSTIN SANE BOUGHT A ROCKET LAUNCHER AND CHLOE SHOT CHAD’S BUS

AA: Yeah…..but……you wrote that

<before Stank can say anything, Kayfabe comes screaming down the hall and tackles AA. They brawl down the hall in a comical cloud of dust and limbs. Stank sits there for a moment with his shoulders slumped>

Sta: GUARD…..I need to make a phone call

<fade>

[BookerShark]

(Bishop Blaize is walking out in the back of the arena near the Destroyitarium loading dock. As the crew is packing up to head to Wasilla, he sees what looks to be a flattened box. Upon further examination (like, what else is he going to do) it turns out to be a flattened and somewhat dusty White Hat. Blaize picks it up and dusts it off. He admires the hat and puts it on as he turns down the Hall of Random Encounters. I think you know what's happening next. Chloe is pushing an oversized shopping cart down the hall and only sees the White Hat, so her eyes turn red as she charges the hat, pushing the cart as hard as she can. Blaize gets caught up in the cart and is slammed hard into the wall. Chloe reaches into the cart and pulls out a set of brass knuckles and just beats the bejeezus out of Blaize, making his face a bloody mess, then picks him up and hits a CORKSCREW. Chloe covers, the referee appears to make the three count!)

WINNER – and still DDT Ironperson Heavy Metal Champion – Chloe!

(Chloe picks up the hat, looks at it from several different angles, then runs her hand over Blaizes bloody face and begins dabbing away at the hat like an artist. Then Chloe just runs the hat all over his face. Satisfied, she puts the too-big hat on her head and skips down to the Saints dressing room, where everyone is packing for the trip to Wasilla. Stank looks up and sees the shopping cart with “ Chief Big Bear's Shoes and Military Supplies” on the side of it and heads right for it.)

Stank: Woman, what in the fuck are you doing?

Chloe: Just some supplies, Mr Mann.

Stank: Gotdammit woman, haven't you....

(The ruckus has brought LD and Moose over. They all look into the basket and find an assortment of blackjacks, brass knuckles, stun guns, pepper spray, tear gas, and several rolls of Eversharp Piano Wire and Eversharp Razor Wire and Barbed Wire.)

Chloe: Supplies.

Moose: Take these out and put them in the trunk. Then come back and get the luggage.

Chloe: Yes, Jack. Whatever you say.

Stank: How's all that gonna fit in the trunk of your Mustang?

Chloe: The Tardis effect.

LD: Tardis?

Chloe: Bigger on the inside than on the outside. I'll put this behind the board games and the beer.

Moose: Don't block the humidor.

Chloe: Yes, Jack.

(Chloe skips off to take the weapons to the car.)

Stank: Fucking Doctor Who?

Moose: You got a better explanation that doesn't piss off Kay?

LD: Where'd she get that hat?

Moose: Looked good on her, didn't it?

LD: We should get Stanley one.

(The Saints continue packing as we...)

FADE

[BookerShark]

*Stank sits in the passenger seat, as Moose starts the car and backs out the parking space. Stank straps on his seatbelt and slides the seat back.*

Stank - I hope you got enough room back there- WHAT THE FUCK?

*Stank looks behind his seat and sees LD sitting on a couch, enjoying a cup of Tim Horton's. Chloe walks out from a restroom, seats herself near the back and switches on a television.*

JS - Hey boss!

ABFD - Stankin Man.

Stank - Fellas.

*Banned from Everywhere wander to the back and disappear behind some machinery. Stank turns and looks at Moosehead Jack.*

Stank - Um... couple of questions.

MHJ - Shoot.

Stank - The backseat of your car appears to have a lot more room than it did the last time I sat here.

MHJ - That a question?

Stank - More of an observation. Here's a question... uh, why?

MHJ - Tardis something or another... look, it's obviously going to be one of those weeks. Just roll with it.

Stank - I have a feeling that is going to be the answer to my next question.

MHJ - Probably.

Stank - Why are Banned from Everywhere back there... I mean, yeah... it's one of those weeks, but shouldn't they be.... banned?

MHJ - ... see answer above.

Stank - Right. I'm going in.

*Stank unbuckles his seatbelt and climbs to the back.*

LDW - Lucas.

Stank - LD, Chloe.

Chloe - Mr. Mann.

Stank - .. .... .. I'm going to... I'm... I'm going back here.

*Stank walks around the machinery in the center of the room and is greeted by Drunkette. Stank rolls his eyes and walks past the donkey to find Elijay, Drunkey, Justin and Awesome Bill.*

Stank - *sigh* What the fuck are you guys doing back here?

ABFD - Backgammon.

JS - Wanna play, boss?

*Justin pulls the Backgammon board from the box of board games sitting next to several cases of beer.*

Stank - You.

E - Me?

Stank - You're suppose to be the.. smart one in this group, correct?

E - Oh I don't...

Stank - ... You don't, what?

*Elijay just shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders.*

Stank - Right. Look, you guys should not be here?

ABFD - Why? Is we banned from here?

Justin/Elijay/LD/Moose/Chloe/Drunkey/Drunkette/Stanley/ - We are Banned From Everywhere!

ABFD - OUTDAMNSTANDENER THAN HELL!

*Stank lowers his head and rubs his temples in an attempt to stave off a migraine. Attitude Adjuster walks out of the mens room carrying a newspaper.*

AA - What'd I miss?

Stank - What the fuck are YOU doing here, Alan?

AA - Lucas, buddy! I figured it out!

Stank - We're not buddies.

AA - You don't mean that. Listen, I have a sure fire way of winning this year's promo of the year.

*Stank closes his eyes and silently counts to ten.*

AA - What'r you doin?

Stank - nine.. ten... Okay Alan, what?

AA - Right. I got a sure fi-

Stank - Just spill it!

AA - Settle down.. it's coming. It just needs a dramatic, nay... DESERVES a dramatic pause.

Stank - ...

AA - ...wait for it.

Stank - ..

AA - wait for iiiit.

*Stank turns to walk away.*

AA - No,no,no,no, okay, okay... Here it is. Ready?

Stank - ALAN!

AA - I'll just show up in... ALL... promos.

Stank - 

AA - Yeah, you like that, huh?

Stank - Alan.. I don't think you have the stamina.

AA - PFFBT! Stamina Shma.. Shemana... Ssmanu.. help me out here.

Stank - Shmanima

AA - SHMANIMA.. yeah! 

Stank - I doubt management will approve this.

AA - That's where you come in. You're friends with the GM?

Stank - I am not.

AA - Still you have his ear.

Stank - I'm not helping you with this, Alan.

AA - You're jealous aren't you? You're just mad you didn't think of this idea first!

Stank - I'm not, nor will I EVER... be jealous... of you.

AA - Then what is it? I know. You're afraid of the legal ramifications.

Stank - I haven't considered it in any such way.

AA - Listen, my lawyer has drawn up an airtight contract that I'm sure Bennett will appreciate.

Stank - What lawyer?

BL - OH BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Stank - Bob Loblaw?

BL - That's what I just said. Was I not loud enough?

*Before Stank can express his irritation the whole place is ROCKED as it tumbles over and settles upside down! Smoke everywhere, alarms blaring, Stank pushes Bob Loblaw, and Awesome Bill off of him. We cut to outside on a rooftop where Chad Madison stands holding a rocket launcher. He looks down and spies Moose, LD, Chloe, Stank, Banned from Everywhere, AA, and Bob Loblaw, crawling out from the side doors and trunk of Moose's wrecked Mustang.*

CM - Whooo Hooo!

* Chad lowers the-*

Ron Howard - Hey voiceover guy... I got this.

*... okay.*

Ron Howard - You see Chad earlier was in a tour bus with his tag-team partner, blissfully on their way to Wasilla Alaska, for their next show, when Chad got the bright idea to mock the man he had just beaten in a match the night before.

Chad: I don't know who my enemy is? I know exactly who the enemy is big boy. You. It's always been you. Always will be.

Let me leave you with one thought as you make the long ride to Wasilla (Small Cheap Pop). You lost. To. Me. Let that stick in your craw all the way to Alaska. I hope it eats you up inside.

~~~ Chad flashes the 'Horns' sign as the bus pulls away. ~~~

Ron Howard - It did indeed eat Stank up inside. His colleague however decided to take matters in her own hands when she grabbed a missile launcher from Justin Sane who thought he would do his boss a solid by buying the weapon for five dollars, from an Indian selling shoes and weaponry, from a nearby roadside stand. Stank, while appreciative, declined the kind act. Chloe however was not so inclined.

*Chloe walks into frame out of nowhere and without addressing anyone, she smoothly picks up the missile launcher, aims, and fires it at The Texpress Express! The rocket explodes near the side of the bus, tipping it over onto its side!*

Stank - ...

JS - ...

Chloe - ...

Stank - That... was ill advised.

Ron Howard - It was. A mock trial was quickly assembled where the case got hilariously dismissed. Meanwhile Texpress the victims of what was clearly a terrorist attack, vowed vengeance.

_____________________________

ZM - Vengeance will be ours!

CM - Sure, but where are we going to get a rocket launcher?

JS - I got one.

CM - Justin! Great! How much?

JS - ... ... Really? You don't know? 

CM - 

ZM -

JS - Do you even pay attention to the product?
_____________________________________

Ron Howard - So after viewing Banned from Insanity: The Hilarious Rise of Justin Sane DVD, then buying it and a rocket launcher from Justin for five dollars, we find ourselves on this rooftop with one half of Texpress.

Now the story of a wrestling federation that's at war with each other and could lose everything and the OOWF universe that puts up with it all.

This was Chad Madison's Arrested Development.

created by MITCHELL HURWITZ

AA - WRONG!

Ron Howard - What?

AA - I didn't hire you just so you could have your writer STEAL the idea of this promo from me!

Ron Howard - But this material is lifted from my show?

AA - What show?

Stank - ALAN STOP HIJACKING THIS PROMO!

LDW - How are we going to flip this car back over?

*Master Chief John-117  shows up out of nowhere and flips the car back upright. He salutes then trots off out of view.*

Stank - I must be on drugs.

Fade

[BookerShark]

As Stank continues to wonder about his current mindset, the camera pans back up to the rooftop where Texexpress and Justin Sane are at. Justin and Chad are high fiving as Zane stares down at the scene below. A look of confusion crosses his face and he turns back to the others.

Zane: Not that we don't appreciate the assist Justin, but aren't you down there already?

Justin: Am I?

Chad walks over and looks down.

Chad: Yeah, sure looks like you down there.

Justin: It must be my evil twin. Don't worry Texexclamation, I will put a stop to him.

With that Justin runs off leaving the two bewildered Texans behind.

Zane: Evil twin?

Chad: It's one of those weeks.

Zane: I hate those weeks.

The scene cuts back to where Banned from Sinners? Saints of Everywhere? Whatever we want to call this group is still milling around. Elly is trying to explain to Justin and Bill that Backgammon is not the cause of 9 out of 10 car wrecks, and Stank and LD are trying to convince Moose to get the car started so they can just leave them behind. Suddenly the rooftop Justin runs out of the building and towards them.

Roof Justin: Prepare to face my wrath evil twin.

The car Justin looks momentarily shocked before taking off towards his counterpart.

Car Justin: I'm no twin, you must be a clone!

ABFD: Oh hell son, two Justin's! Whichfor is the real one?

Elly: Don't care; I'm out of this one.

With that Elly walks off. Meanwhile the two Justin’s continue to run towards each other at full speed. Unfortunately for Chloe, she finds herself directly in the middle of where the two of them are looking to collide. Both Justin's leap into the air with simultaneous screams of DDDOOOOOUUUUUGGGGGHHHHAAAWWWWWKKKK. The screen goes black and we here a lions roar, the opening bars to Beethoven’s fifth, the sound of a dial up
modem, and someone screaming Toasty. When the lights come back up, only one Justin is standing there again looking around confused. Meanwhile Chloe is on the floor out cold with Drunkey sitting on her chest. A ref slides in and makes the count.

Your new DDTIronmanHeavyMetal Champion Drunkey

The ref places the belt around Drunkeys neck who lets out a huge bray and then takes off in a full trot down the road. Elly has walked back over to Bill at this point.

Elly: Where is he going?

ABFD: To the Destroyatorium, whatfor to get his rematch with that there Murphy girl.

Justin comes over riding on the back of Drunkette.

Justin: We have to stop him, he can't go there.

ABFD: Whatfore, is he banned from there.

Justin: He is Banned From Everywhere

ABFD: Hot Damn Son! I love when you do that. Let's make with the chasin.

Bill tosses a shocked Elly over his shoulder and jumps on the lickercycle, as him and Justin make a "quick" chase down the street after Drunkey.

Stank walks over and watches them leave as LD helps Chloe up.

Stank: Yep, I'm definitely on drugs.

[BookerShark]

<Stank, LD and Moose are roaring down the road toward Canada. Stank is sitting there quietly with his arms folded, brooding over something>

MHJ: Ok, what's wrong with you?

Sta: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET YOUR CAR BACK ALREADY?

MHJ: I didn't

Sta: Then what the hell is this?

MHJ: This is another car

Sta: Where is the original one?

MHJ: In the garage

Sta: What garage Moose? We are in the MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE

LDW: We are in Canada

Sta: SAME THING

LDW: Why are you yelling

Sta: <rubbing his temples> Because I was in a Canadian jail after Chloe nearly blew up Texpress' bus with a rocket launcher Justin Sane bought, THEN I am in COURT and Justin is the JUDGE and NOW Moose is telling me his car is in a garage, when we are in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. WHAT GARAGE!

MHJ: The garage in the back

Sta: In the back

MHJ: <pointing over his shoulder> Back there

Sta: <looking over his shoulder> There is a garage in the back of the car.....

MHJ: Yes

Sta: Where one car is being fixed....

MHJ: No, its the same car....I'm not rich

Sta: ........the car we are driving is being fixed in a garage in the back of the car we are driving

MHJ: Yes

Sta: HOW IS THAT EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE?

MHJ: I don't know. I don't watch Dr. Who

Sta: <Grabbing LD by the shirt> DID YOU DRUG ME?

LDW: What? No!

MHJ: Look for yourself

<Stank peers into the back, and sure enough, there is a mustang being worked on by several mechanics while an angry Chloe looks on. Stank shakes his head and spins around and faces forward>

Sta: Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?

MHJ: Nah, its just one of those weeks

Sta: I hate these weeks

<Just then Donovan Viper pokes his head into the backseat>

DV: Hey Moose, you are out of.....LD! Hey bro!

LDW: DONNIE! How the hell are ya?

DV: Doing great!

LDW: You living in Moose's car now?

DV: Yeah, me and Capslock are sharing a flat, rent's reasonable, awesome view, its great! Wanna come over for a beer?

LDW: Yeah! We can catch up, Moose, Stank, I'll be back in a minute

<LD disappears into the back. Stank sits still staring at the road>

Sta: This isn't happening

MHJ: <lighting a cigar> Sure it is. It's the OOWF, if the never ending pro....

Sta: DO NOT SAY THAT! DO NOT SAY THAT! WE DON'T NEED THAT HAPPENING TOO!

MHJ: Suit yourself. You have Danny and Fire this week

Sta: Yeah, and you have Texpress and Stan

MHJ: Maybe talking about the matches would help....

Sta: CAPPS! It's CAPPS! HE is behind this! He wants to win Promo of the Year!

MHJ: Yeah.....but he isn't writing this....

Sta: That's what he WANTS you to think! But he will show up! it will do that crazy fuzzy wipe thing and he will be sitting there explaining how this is a good promo!

MHJ: A good promo.....Lucas.....this is just you and I talking in the car on our way to Alaska

Sta: NO! It's.....I mean....it IS.....but......what if it is HIM DIRECTING us to be talking on our way to Alaska! What if this isn't real!

MHJ: Are you SURE LD didn't drug you?

Sta: YES! I mean....no....I don't know.....I have to find Capps!

MHJ: Go down the Hall of Random encounters, take a left on the Hall of Random Object Placement, I think he is the third door on the left

Sta: Got it.....wait, there is a Hall of Random encounters.....in your car

MHJ: Just past the garage

Sta: Just past the........is this how Bill feels all the time?

MHJ: Probably

Sta: When we get to Alaska, someone is getting their ass kicked

<Stank heads to the back while Moose guns the engine and heads down the highway toward Alaska and we fade>

[BookerShark]

Firewoman is SITTING~! at Ric's Sandwich Shop with a glass of wine.

RF: WOOOOOoooooo, how 'bout a...say, what's wrong? You don't drink wine.

FW: Oh...it's one of ...THOSE weeks.

RF: Those weeks?

FW: You know...where someone has a crazy promo idea that's hilarious, and everyone piles on and adds too, each one more hilarious than the last....*sigh*

RF: What's wrong with that? That's great!

FW: Oh, no...it is! Totally!! It's just...well, that's not me.

RF: No?

FW: No...I mean you want some deep psychological trauma based creepiness, I'm your woman.   Some supernatural mumbo jumbo, I'm right with you.  A little bit of bizarre sexuality, gimme a call. But this..random madcap comedy...I just.....can't.

RF: No, I'm pretty sure you've been funny before.

FW: Well, yeah...I mean...I've TRIED...there's the whole Oklahoma thing.....and....Wow, I think that's it.

RF: There was the cookie baking...hell, your whole overboard holiday extravaganzas...whatever happened with those.

FW: Got 'em out of my system..

RF: Hm....you know what you need?

FW: What?...If you say ride on Space Mountain, this will not be a funny--

RF: Not that...WHO you need....

FW: No....no, no, no....

RF: HEY ALAN!!! FIRE WANTS TO BE FUNNY!

FW: No, I don't.... Really...

AA: FUNNY? I'm not funny, I'm...HEY! Baby Momma!

FW: Hi, Alan.

AA: What's wrong?

RF: Fire here can't be funny.

AA: No kidding!

Miranda comes in.

M: Hey,  I cleaned my room and did the rest of my chores....

AA: Whoa...is that...I mean, I know it's been a while, but...wow, they grow up so fast!

M: Huh?

FW: Oh, Alan, this is Miranda, Miranda...what are you doing?

AA gets up and slowly walks over to her and embraces her.

M: Um...what's happening.

AA: So many lost years.....

FW: Alan...take your hands off her before I take them off you.

AA: She...wow, she doesn't look like me at all?

M: Huh?

AA: Or you really...

M: Huh?

FW: Alan..what are you talking about?

AA: Our baby!  She's all grown up! 

FW: What? No...no, Alan, that was fake. Don't you remember? I did it to get even with you for kidnapping Lucky. I mean really, the idea was in a production meeting about hitting you with an ultrasound machine, so--

AA: So...Miranda is NOT my daughter?

FW: No...and she's not--

AA: You....you CHEATED ON ME?

FW: What? No...We weren't a--

AA: CHEATED ON ME! I'M ALREADY...cheated...wait.

RF: Yeah, you did that totally wrong.

AA: I know...I'm off....it's...wait, it's Fire's promo. That's why. She sucks at this.

RF: I think you're right.

AA: I'm going back to the funny promos. And I am NOT paying any back child support, GOT IT!?

FW: Uh, got it.

Attitude Adjuster storms off.

M: What just happened.

FW: It's just...one of THOSE weeks. They don't sparkle with me.

M: Yeah.....

FADE

[BookerShark]

~~~ Safe in Wasilla (For now) Chad Madison is in his hot tub with a couple of RNSFJ's ~~~

Chad: So I yanked the rocket launcher out if his hands, yelled out "Hasta la Vista, Sinners" pointed it at the car and FIRED!

RNSFJ 1: Ooohh

RNSFJ 2: You're so dangerous

Chad: Yes. Yes I am

~~~ Suddenly, the water in the hot tub begins to bubble up and boil over and.. BEAST POPS OUT OF THE HOTTUB! Beast grabs a towel and runs out the door ~~~

RNSFJ 2: WHAT WAS THAT?

Chad: Beast.

RNSFJ 1: Who's Beast?

Chad: Long Story. it's been one of those weeks.

~~~ Zane opens the door to the hot tub room ~~~

Zane: Did Beast just run through here?

Chad: Yes.

Zane: I hate these weeks. Get your tail out of there and get ready. We're supposed to work out with Fulton in an hour.

~~~ Zane slams the door shut. ~~~

Chad: I guess I need to go. Feel free to stay here and enjoy yourselves. Behave, or at least take pictures.

RNSFJ 1&2: <Giggle like schoolgirls>

~~~ As Chad climbs out and prepares to leave, Justin comes in the other door wearing a scuba mask, a rubber duck floatie around his waist, and swim fins. ~~~

Chad: Yep. One of those weeks.

[BookerShark]

Firewoman is SITTING~! in the Darling Luxury Suites looking through Attitude Adjusters Big Book of Promotification when Miranda comes in and flops on the couch, with a big dramatic sigh. Firewoman keeps leafing through, hyperfocused like she gets. Miranda looks, notices Fire not paying attention to her, raises her arms and lets them flop, and sighs loudly again. Fire looks up.

FW: What?

M: Oh....nothing....

FW: Okay.

Fire goes back to her book. Miranda looks at Fire....and repeats the same process. Fire looks up.

FW: Why are you doing that?

M: *enigmatic sigh* Doing what?

FW: Flopping your hands on the couch and sighing loudly.

M: Oh....*sigh*....nothing.....

FW: Then stop doing that.

Fire goes back to reading. Alexis comes in. Miranda repeats the same thing.

LD: What's wrong with you?

M: *enigmatic sigh* Nothing....

LD: Clearly it's not nothing. Is Fire working you too hard in training?

M: *enigmatic sigh* No.....

LD: Is Alex being nice to you? Because he can sometimes be an insenstive je--

M: NO!!! God, you wouldn't understand....

LD: ...

FW: *reading*

M: *sighing*

LD: Well, I guess I'll go to--

M: Chad hurt my feelings!

LD: Huh?

Firewoman raises and eyebrow and looks up.

FW: He what?

LD: Down, Fire...how did he--

FW: What did he do.

M: He... *Miranda's eyes well up with tears*

Firewoman stands up to walk towards the door, fists clenched.

FW: I warned him--

LD: Fire, WAIT~! Miranda...you have to be specific. Someone's life may depend upon it.

M: He...he....he had a hot tub party with some SFJs.

Fire stops and turns around. Lexie sighs.

FW: So?

LD: Fire--

FW: What's the big deal?

LD: Miranda.....Chad dates lots of the women here...well, he spends time with them. Did he make you any promises?

M: N....No.

LD: Did he say you were going steady?

FW: Do people even say that anymore?

LD: Shh! Miranda?

M: No.....

LD: Then, I'm sorry, honey, but he can see who he wants.

M: But....it's not FAIR!

Miranda gets up and storms into her room.

FW: What...the...hell?

LD: Oh, it's normal. Remember when you were 19?

FW: Yes. So do you. Was I like this?

LD: .....no....not at all.

FW: There you go. So...should I...um....follow her, or what?

LD: Hard to say...

AA: WHAT! Did someone hurt my little girl!

FW: She's not your little girl and WHY ARE YOU HERE!

AA: It's one of those weeks, and I have to be in EVERY promo!

FW/LD: GET OUT!

AA: I'm already out!

He leaves. They look at each other and shake their heads.

FW: Why can't it be Wednesday yet....

[BookerShark]

~~~ Inside the Spin Hansen memorial Training Facility... Chad, Zane & Stan Fulton are wrapping up their session. They powder out of the ring and Bridgette hands them all ice cold Aquafinas. ~~~

Stan: Not bad at all.

Zane: Tomorrow? Same Time?

Stan: Sure. I'll bring my notes with me and we can compare.

Zane: Good. I'll make up that list.

Bridgette: He means I'll make up that list. I'll forward it to you later on today along with that clip of Punswick with that reversal Zane mentioned.

Stan: Thanks. Good job today everyone.

~~~ Fulton leaves ~~~

Zane: I want to get back and analyze that other series of moves he was talking about.

Bridgette: Later. You are taking me out to dinner tonight.

Zane: But...

~~~ Bridgette stops him with a look. Not THE Look, but one of it's close relatives ~~~

Zane: .... but I love you.

Bridgette: Very good.

Chad: You kids have fun. I... I don't think I have anything planned.

~~~ Zane & Bridgette stare at him in disbelief ~~~

Chad: I know. Weird huh? Maybe I'll see if Miranda wants to hang out

Zane: You need to be careful around her.

Chad: What do you mena?

Zane: She's what? 19? You're 30.

Bridgette: Not to mention Firewoman will murder you if you hurt her.

Chad: Hey, that's not nice. I'm a perfect Gentleman.

Bridgette: That's the problem. She's still a teenager. And from what I've seen, she still is one at heart too.

Zane: We don't need to alienate any allies right now.

Chad: Y'all aren't giving me enough credit. She's nice. And I have no intention of hurting her.

Bridgette: Doesn't mean it won't happen

Chad: What?

Bridgette: She's a girl. Trust me, it can happen.

Zane: Like I said, be careful.

~~~ As they walk towards the door, Chad is dialing his cellphone. ~~~

Chad: Miranda? it's Chad. Feel like hanging out for a while later on?

~~~ Fade ~~~

[BookerShark]

<Moose is sitting on a chair in a darkened room, lit only by a single bulb smoking a cigar. The OOWF World Heavyweight title is draped over his shoulder. Christian Carter stands behind him, while Chloe skips around the room singing her theme song>

MHJ: This week, the Saints of Sinners face Texpress and Stan Fulton in a six man tag team match. I am sure those Texas idiots are studying tape and getting ready for the match. I am sure they are training with Stan, going over moves, studying for strengths and weaknesses. I am sure they have all the information they need in front of them. But there is one piece of information they are missing. Let me fill it in for you boys

It doesn't matter

You see, this <patting the OOWF World Heavyweight title> is not on the line. So if any of you pins me, so what? Chad and Zane aren't going to win the tag titles by pinning chloe or Christian, so all your strategy, all your planning, all your training....it doesn't mean a fucking thing

Wednesday, the Saints of Sinners, Christian Carter, Chloe and I, are going to go into the ring and prove why the White Hats are in over their heads. Chad and Zane, you may be a great team - not as great as LD and Stank - but that doesn't matter. Stan Fulton, you may want my world title, but that doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that we will do anything to make you bleed. Hell, we don't even care about winning or losing, we are the Saints, and we control the OOWF, win, lose, draw, it doesn't fucking matter

Stan....I know you. I know what you can do. I also know you are lying to yourself. I saw the blood lust in your eyes, you wanted to put me through that table as bad as you want to win that Grand Slam, pride comes before the fall Stan. You will pay for what you did to Chloe. Just understand this Stan....it doesn't have to be this way. We ran together before. I started the Saints of Sinners with Eco....I know his dark side, just like you, he is denying who he is to make someone else happy. He denies who he is to please Mai, you deny who you are to please Eco.

Chaos is liberating. There are no rules. You White Hats play by Their rules.....They want you to destroy us, but They recoil in horror when you have to stoop to our level to do it. You are Their puppets. They want you to dance, and you are all too happy to do it. The Saints exist to taunt Them, we will burn the OOWF to the ground just to spite them.

White Hats......there is nothing in the world you can do to stop us

Trust me

[BookerShark]

(Chloe drives up to the arena with a tray of Strawberry Frosts and Pizza from Flipos in Wasilla. As she starts to enter, she sees Drunkey chewing on some grass outside the arena with the DDT Ironperson Heavy Metal Championship around his neck. Yes, they do have grass in Alaska. Trust me. She sets the food and drink on top of the hood of the car and slips over to the nearby still where Awesome Bill is sleeping away. Chloe quietly slips the remnants of a jug of PCPL from his hands, finds a drip bowl from the still and pours the liquid into a bowl.

Chloe silently slides up to Drunkey, approaching him slowly, then offers him the bowl of PCPL. Drunkey narrows his eyes and bows his head to drink, Chloe lifts the branding iron high above her head ready to bring it down on Drunkey's head.....then drops it and scratches behind his ear. Drunkey brays, then taps his foot like a dog would for a good scratch....)

WINNER VIA TAP OUT and NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - CHLOE!

(Chloe grabs the belt and the food and drink and heads down the Hallway of Random Encounters where she runs into ….)

AA: YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME OUT OF YOUR PROMO! ABUSE! OF! TALENT! 

(Chloe swings the branding iron at Attitude Adjuster and he squeals and runs away. Chloe smiles and starts singing as she heads back into the Saints locker room and we....)

FADE

[BookerShark]

In the training ring, Firewoman and Miranda are just finishing up.

FW: Good, that was good. You're finally listening.

M: Yeah, yeah.

FW: Look, the Kai may be a friend, but he's not going to take it easy on you either. You have to be ready.

The door opens and Victor DeNiro comes in with a reluctant Danny Taylor.

FW: Okay, you're done for the day, Danny and I have to get ready for our match.

M: After this workout you're doing another?

FW: Yeah?

M: Wow...I just don't know if I can match your level of intensity. How do you do it?

FW: Deep seated psychological trauma. Seriously, you don't want to match tha--

Firewoman is interrupted by Stank and LD Williams also entering the room. She and Miranda get out of the ring and the six of them kind of stand in a circle of some sort.

FW: We have the place reserved.

LDW: We know. We just wanted to see how you things were going with your new prospect.

FW: Uh huh. Victor?

DVD: Yeah, Fire?

FW: Kindly escort Miranda back to our suite.

DVD: I um.....

FW: Please.

DVD: But.

FW: Are you really going to make me ask you again?

DVD: Fine....c'mon Miranda.

Victor shoots Danny a look of apology, but Danny just looks down at the floor.

DVD: C'mon toots--

FW: With RESPECT, Victor.

DVD: Fine. Ladies, first?

He shows Miranda the way with an over gallant flourish of the hands.

M: But--

FW: GO!

M: FINE!

Miranda storms off...not quite like Fire would, but close. Victor follows, with one more look back at Danny.

LDW: So how's it going?

FW: Great. She's a natural. What do you want. Please tell me it isn't to talk me--

S: No.

Stank talks very softly and quietly.

S: It is simply to remind you that it was you that turned your back on us, and therefore we won't be cutting you any slack in the ring.

FW: *batistalaughs* You wouldn't anyway. I wouldn't allow it. And you can both can the fake bravado. I'm not buying it.

S: Woman....

FW: Stuff it. You screwed me out of winning the Campeones de Trios--

LDW: THat wasn't US, specifically--

FW: It doesn't matter. It all ended in a big Saints of Sinner clusterfuck.

S: All of which could have been avoided had you--

FW: Stayed out of it? Lucas...at that point I HAD been staying out of it. Just like I stayed out of it LAST time Bennett was in charge, until Johnny, Attitude Adjuster, and...I don't remember who all ....we were going to stay out of it and then--

LDW: We.

S: DEA. The Five Lite.

FW: The FIRST stable to hold all five belts. You all conveniently forget that.

S: Big deal, I don't see how--

FW: And now...this week...Why aren't we challenging you for the title?

S: ...

LDW: ...

FW: Don't all speak at once. Fine, I'll tell you why. It's because you know, or Moose knows, or his puppet Bennett knows that it would be my first opportunity to make good on my promise to take all the championships away from you. And you ALL know that I could do it....WE could do it.

Fire gestures to Danny, who is still looking like he has been.

S: Seriously? Danny doesn't look much like he wants to fight his way out of a wet paper bag much less fight for championships.

FW: Yeah? Then put 'em on the line, champ.

The three of them stare at each other, Mexican stand-off style. Finally...

S: Naw...I think we'll just wait...

FW: Suit yourself. Now if you'll excuse me we have some training to get to. Scram.

Stank smirks and turns to stroll out. LD gives Fire a look, somewhat of apology maybe? Hard to say, but he follows. Fire turns to Danny.

FW: C'mon, let's get started.

Fire gets into the ring and Danny slowly follows her. He more or less follows her lead as she suggests a few double team moves that she thinks might work to their strengths, and even though she might be right, Danny is just not into it. Finally, she's had enough.

FW: GODDAMMIT Taylor, what is WRONG with you!?

DDT: ....

FW: Yeah, so what? Everyone knows you step foot in this company ANYWHERE you're taking a risk. Get over it.

DDT: ....

Fire starts to retort something and then stops, her face softening. She walks up to Danny, takes his hands gently in hers and looks up at him.

FW: Danny...look at me.

Danny waits and then slowly does so. He tries to drop his eyes again, but something won't let him.

FW: There's more to it than just the mist incident. I don't know what it is, but I can sense that. Am I right?

DDT: *nods*

FW: *still speaking softly* Okay...well, you need to work through it. If I lose another match because of your emotional issues, especially to members of Saints of Sinners, I will be very unhappy. And as bad as you feel right now, I will make you wish you felt that good. Got it?

DDT: ...

Firewoman drops his hands and rolls out of the ring, heading for the door. Danny just stands in the ring as we FAAAAAAAAAADE.

[BookerShark]

<Stank and LD walk into Bennett's office where Moose and LJ are talking>

LJB: Gentlemen

LD: We have a problem

LJB: Oh?

LD: Why aren't we defending these <holds up the tag titles> against Danny and Fire?

LJB: Well, there was never any.....

Sta: No bullshit, we are the ones that decide if we want to defend these titles, make it happen

MHJ: Gentlemen......is this about Fire's little tantrum a few minutes ago?

LD: If we are going to say we are the best, we need to show everyone WHY we are the best

MHJ: And if Fire and Danny had actually DONE anything to deserve a title shot, I would agree with you. Tell me, what exactly have they done? See, that was part of the problem with the OLD regime, the very thing we are fighting against. Chad Madison goes to Selena and just SAYS he wants a title shot, and Chad gets it. Had Chad EARNED that shot? No, he hadn't. Fire can ASK all she wants, until she has done something to DESERVE it, she can wait in line with everyone else

Sta: This wouldn't have anything to do with her wearing that stupid hat, would it?

MHJ: Decisions have consequences. She chose her road. She can make all the demands she wants, she is not the one with the power, we are. Should they somehow manage to win, then they might have a case, but you two are better. Let them EARN that shot

<Bennett just sits and looks at Stank and LD. The champs seem satisfied with the decision>

MHJ: I hear there is our kind of bar just down the road, first round is on the champ

<fade>

[BookerShark]

FADE in. Walking backstage in Wasilla is The Crusher Stan Fulton. Coming up along side of him is Attitude Adjuster.

AA: “Stan.”

SF: “Alan.”

AA: “Do we know each other?”

SF: “Never met. But I hear that you’re going to be in everyone’s promo this week.”

AA: “Well that was the plan, but Moose derailed that. And it was his car in which I was staying. Complete disregard for the talent!!!”

SF: “So what can I do for you, Alan?”

AA: “Well, you see Stan, you’re not funny.”

SF: “... And?”

AA: “That’s just it. You’re not funny. This week is all about the funny. Have you read my book?”

Stan pulls out a dog-eared copy of Attitude Adjuster’s Big Book of Promotification For Dummies.

AA: “Nice. If you’re a fan, why aren’t you funny? I mean besides your looks, of course.”

Fulton glares at AA, but Alan of course pays it no mind if he even saw it.

AA: “Your promos are the basest kind of claptrap, your matches are more boring than the National Budget and frankly, we’re thinking of letting you go.”

SF: “Who’s ‘we’?”

AA: “We. Those of us in charge.”

SF: “Alan, I know we’ve just met, but I know you’re not in charge of anything. Hell, Johnny was in charge of your tag team.”

AA: “Oh, you did not just go there.”

SF: “I did indeed go there, Mr. Irrelevant.”

AA: “Oh, it’s on like Donkey Kong.”

SF: “Really? A Donkey Kong reference? That’s as relevant as you are.”

AA is really flustered now and he sputtering.

SF: “Why don’t you calm down, take a deep breath and go find your relevance back in the 90s.”

Attitude Adjuster glares once at Fulton and stomps off. Before he completely gets out of ear shot he turns.

AA: “I’ll always be relevant!”

He walks off as an SFJ steps up to Fulton.

SFJ: “Any comments about this week’s match?”

SF: “A few. I find it absolutely hilarious that our esteemed General Manager is talking about talent earning a shot at the titles. I think that’s what the New Guard was all about. At least, the New Guard when not under the delusions of Chris Evans. Now that the titles are around the waist of the Saints of Sinners, they all cry that their opponents have to earn a shot.”

SFJ: “And your match with Texpress against the Saints?”

SF: “No, it’s not for the titles. But a win moves us all up for a shot at said titles. Matt and I proved last week the Saints are vulnerable. Their time is almost over. Soon it will be revealed who the real power in this company is.”

SFJ: “What does that mean?”

SF: “It means that the Saints aren’t going to be running the OOWF forever.”

SFJ: “Will there be war?”

SF: “There will be war the likes of which God has never seen.”

Fulton walks off as we FADE.

[BookerShark]

Mai Muyo is in the Wasilla Public Library, scanning the flyer board. An elderly female librarian comes up from behind.

Librarian: Can I help you with anything, young lady?

Mai: Just wanted to see if there were any concerts in the area. I'm visiting for just a week.

Librarian: Well, I'm afraid I haven't heard about any, but go ahead and check.

Mai: Will do, thank you.

The librarian passes by and stops by a little girl, maybe nine, reading a book with a supernova on the front. She grabs her cheeks, to her surprise.

Librarian: Oh, you're such a pretty little girl! When you get a little older and lose your baby fat, the boys are going to be crazy about you.

The librarian walks away, and the girl sinks down more into her chair with the book. Mai pauses, takes a strip off a wall flyer and walks over to the table.

Mai: Hey there.

Girl: (mumbling) Hi.

Mai: Don't worry, I'm not going to grab your face.

The little girl smiles.

Mai; What are you reading about?

Girl: Star formation! It’s the coolest thing ever. They’re just burning hie-drow-gen all the time—like giant floating bonfires!

Mai: That’s very cool. Can you tell me what happens when the hydrogen fuses?

Girl: Fuses?

Mai: Well, burns.

Girl: Ooh! The star makes helium while shooting off energy!

Mai: Very good! Now, what’s on the next page there? Have you read about red supergiants yet?

Girl: …I don’t want to talk about those.

Mai: Um…okay. Did you have a fight with them?

Girl: We were learning about them at school the other day, and this boy at school called me a red supergiant because I’m fat.

Mai: Well, that was rude. And uncreative.

Mai sits down next to the girl.

Mai: Listen to me. You’re going to get a lot of comments on how you look—from boys, from girls, from adults—all throughout your life. That boy in your class sounds like a jerk, but most people really don’t mean any harm by it; it's just how they've learned to talk to little girls.. But I know that it can feel really hard to be a girl, especially a young girl, when that's all anyone wants to talk about. When I was your age, I was so funny-looking--not only funny-looking like I am now, but with big thick glasses on my face and braces in my teeth--and I got called all kinds of names, even by adults when they thought I wasn't listening.

Girl: What did they call you? Robot?

Mai: Well, technically Jinzouningen, but yes. And it hurt a lot. But what I learned over time was that how you look, or how other people think you look—that doesn’t matter. What matters is what you’re doing right now. You’re learning. You’re becoming a bright young woman. And most importantly, you’re doing it for yourself, not for anyone else. This book isn’t homework, is it?

Girl: No…I just wanted to read more about stars.

Mai: (putting the slip of paper on the table) Well, if you’d like, I just found this on the board. The library has a book club for young people interested in science, and this is their email. Maybe you could ask your mom if you could go, and spend some time with young people focused on the right things.

Girl: Okay. (The girl takes the paper and puts it in her pocket.) I’m going to read more now.

Mai: Sure. Have a blessed day.

Mai exits out the front of the library. Mai looks to the right and notices the ninja cameraman.

Mai: Now, Ninja? Well, it’s your lucky day, I have something to say. And believe it or not, it’s not about the Saints. It’s about one of my opponents this week…Alexis Darling.

Jun 5, 2013 11:34:49 GMT -5 Alexander Darling said:

Lexie: Because nothing else needs to be said or done. Chloe knows the very simple fact that she isn't as good as me. Can she attack me after a match is over and walk out with a meaningless title? Sure, but when the cards are laid out on the table, when the chips are pushed all-in...the simple fact is she isn't good enough. I am Alexis Darling and as much as she may think otherwise, it means I am better than her and therefore I am moving on. I'm not sure what my next goal is, whether its Jos and his misogynistic Onslaught Title or Mai and her Make-A-Wish Intercontinental Title, but I will hold gold before the end of the year.

Quorra: Good luck with that Alexis.

....

Alexander: But Lexie and I...no matter what we want or believe or how we've gone about things know a simple fact, we don't deserve nor want to wear a white hat. Because our goals and intentions are not good. Yes, we have our individual goals...titles, legacy, etc. But when it comes to the Saints, we want blood. We want and thrive in the violence. We can play the games that fuck with peoples heads. We are not White Hats.

Lexie and Alex toss the pristine white hats to the side and reach out and grab Darling Sigil cowboy hats.

Lexie: We are Darlings.

Alexander: And, well, that just means we're a bit better than you.

Lexie: Booyah.

Alex and Lexie flip the cowboy hats onto their heads and walk off screen as we...

*Fade*

Mai: Alexis, against all odds, we are functionally on the same team these days. I would be much happier to drop my championship to you than I would be to a Chloe or a Punswick. But as Alexander made very clear, we’re not fighting for the same things.

See, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter all that much that The Saints want our blood. Wrestling isn’t a sport for those who cringe at the thought of suffering. The reason I feel so much rage—not just righteous anger, but genuine, un-Christian rage—toward Moosehead Jack is that men like him poison the potential for this industry to be a positive force in this world.

You know, it’s no secret that Muyos don’t have a great history with Drink and Destroy. But I truly, and I mean this…I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I truly believe Danny Taylor to represent what is still good and fair and right in this industry, and maybe this world. And when the Saints beat him…when they whip and scourged him with the barbs like they did my Christ, they tried to send a message that all that is left to men like him is pain.

Mai pauses. Her eyes look slightly watery, but tears don’t fall.

That the wages of love are death.

I see an industry that used to be mocked for how purely sentimental it was—that used to sincerely ask its young fans to say their prayers and eat their vitamins—being drained of its ability to inspire, becoming a source of despair rather than a beacon of hope.

But that’s not the problem you see, Alexis. You don’t see a problem with thriving in violence, either physical or emotional. As far as you can tell, the only problem is that Alexis Darling isn’t the one standing tall at the end.

Am I the “Make A Wish Champion?” You bet I am. I’m the champion of all of those who wander this world with weak bodies and weaker faith, looking for something to believe in. I’m the champion of every little girl defined in terms of her attractiveness, as though her ability to conform to the male gaze should define her rather than her knowledge of her world and her self. I’m the champion of those who understand that the opposite of love is not hatred but apathy, and in a world of empty suits and emptier hearts, are begging for someone to actually CARE about something bigger than “I got mine!”

But there’s no need to go on. I can already hear you laughing. “What a stupid little girl,” you think. “Let her be the White Hat; I understand what this world is really like, and in this world, I look out for number one.”

Mai takes her Intercontinental Championship out of her car and puts it on her shoulder.

Let me put this in words that you’re familiar with.

FUCK. YOUR. WORLD.

This is Mai Time.

FADE

[BookerShark]

*Murphy's Law is at the bar of the Destroyitarium. They have pints of beer in front of them, as well as shot glasses and a flask*

DK: I figure the closest we can get to understanding Banned from Everywhere is to have a little poteen.

Dee: From Uncle Kieran's still?

DK: The same. Slainte!

*They down the shots*

AA: Can I have some?

Dee: It's pretty strong stuff, old man. Wouldn't want you to get intoxicated.

AA: Intoxicate me? I'm already intoxicated. *Elbow drops his jacket*

DK: Oh, that reminds me, we have something that I think belongs to you.

AA: Really?

DK: Yeah, I was clearing out some old boxes in the back and...

AA: Did you say boxes?

DK: Yeah, anyways I was...

AA: Never mind the build-up, kid, we can edit that in later. Let me see it!

DK: Alright. He strolls around to the back.

AA (rubbing his hands together): The Box of Promos - the stuff that dreams are made of! I can call Johnny and get the band back together!

*DK walks back, carrying a small cardboard box*

AA: Somehow I remember it being bigger. Oh, well, it's been a while.

*AA opens the box, and pulls out - a subpoena*

Dee: Some Mountie guy left that for you.

*AA bolts out of The Destroyitarium. As he exits, he collides with a man in the familiar red uniform of the Canadian Mounted Police, knocking him to the ground, and sprints away*

DK: Should we get involved?

Dee: Let Jacques handle collecting his gambling debts.

*Jacques Rougeau gets up off the floor and sets off after AA*

[BookerShark]

~~~ Faaaaaaaade into the OOWF Interview Banner. Chad Madison & Zane Myers step into view from opposite sides, both wearing Resistol White hats & drinking from 1-liter bottles of Aquafina.

Chad: I'd like to say I'm surprised. But I'm not.

Zane: Typical revisionist history from our World Champion.

Chad: When you held that Onslaught Championship, I said I wanted a shot at it. But I Did earn it. I won a #1 Contenders Match.

You can piss and moan about having to wrestle twice that night. But you forget So. Did. I. So blame whomever you want, The truth is the odds were even, and I. Beat. You. Hey! maybe you and Stank can start a Club! The "I Underestimated and Lost Cleanly to Chad Madison Club." I'll make you guys some T-shirts.

Zane: So people have to Earn their Championship Matches. Hmmm. Seems like when Texpress held the World Tag Team Championships, we defended them against anyone that wanted a shot. We even took our case to the GM at the time and asked to NOT have any Non-Title Matches.

Chad: So Stank and LD come out and say if anyone wants a piece of us to step on up. But now they're going to hide behind Bid Bad Jackie Quinn and wait for us to Earn our shot.

Zane: So here we go Bennett, and pay attention. We've won every straight up tag team match we've been in since my return. We won 2 matches in the Trios tournament. The third was interrupted by the Sinners. As a team we haven't lost a match since April . The last time we earned our way into a Championship Match, my injury forced us out.

Chad: So you could say we've earned one. But still we wait.

Zane: And we'll bide our time for now. Stan deserves his match first. But rest assured, Texpress Will get their match. And if it's against The Sinners, we've got an Ace In The Hole to play. And when we do, We will end the Sinners Reign of Error over the Tag Team Division.

Chad: Trust Us. & Pay Attention. You've already Messed With The Bull. And this week, with Stan Fulton by our side, you're Gonna Get The Horns.

~~~ Chad and Zane BOTH flash the 'Horns' sign and walk off screen. The camera follows them. Sexy Boy sounds, and Chad answers his phone. ~~~

Chad: Miranda, hey! Glad you called.

~~~ Fade ~~~

[BookerShark]

*Sexy Female journalist#9 stands by with Ghosthead.*

SFJ#9 - You face Jason Allen at Midweek Mayhem this week. You have been on quite the win streak lately and-

*Attitude Adjuster suddenly runs past disrupting the interview. The camera zooms in on him running down the hall and rounding a corner. The camera then brings Ghosthead and SFJ#9 back into frame and Ghosthead speaks, ignoring what just happened.*

Ghost - Jason Allen reminds me of a man I used to know back when I wrestled in Europe. I wrestled there for six months along with three other Americans in that promotion. Two of those Americans washed out fairly quick, so the promotion decided to pair me up with the only other American left. I was not happy with the decision at the time, but the results were undeniable. We were unstoppable as a tag-team. The pairing was the only tag-team I have ever been part of that met with some success, including my pairing with my brother. Why is a mystery to me because the man I was teamed with represented everything I was not. He reveled in the praise of the fans and pandered to their every whim. It is not this man's character that reminds me of Jason Allen, but his style. The man wrestled with a fluidity that was a sight to behold.

SFJ#9 - What ever became of your team?

Ghost - My partner's star was on the rise so the promotion decided to split us up. They then pitted us against one another. His star quickly fell after I was done with him. I took no pleasure in his suffering. I was not quite the Ghosthead Killer then. I was simply Jared Mann. He was Kevin Blackthorne the defeated and broken. The promotion was not happy with me, but do you know what Kevin did after the promotion cast me out? He communicated with me months later. The message..."I forgive you". The fool... if he were standing in front of me right now I would consume him in Phantasmagoria until there was nothing left... Jason Allen will have to do.

*Ghosthead is about to walk away when Attitude Adjuster walks back into frame.*

Ghost - What are you doing here?

AA - I gave The Mountie the slip.

Ghost - That does not answer my question.

AA - Oh I'm sorry. You're right. I don't know what I'm doing here. I mean there is ZERO chance that YOU could win promo of the year even with ME in it. I just thought maybe I would throw baby junior Mann a bone seeing as how Lucas has been- AHHHHH!

*Ghosthead has suddenly sprayed BLACK MIST in AA's face!!*

AA - AAAAAHH! Spray BLACK MIST in my FACE! AAAAH!! I'M ALREADY SPRAYED! AAAAAAHHH! ABUSE OF SPITTLE! AHHHHH! YOU! AHHHHHH! WHY DOES IT BURN???

*Ghosthead roams away as SFJ#9 shakes her head in pity and the camera fades.*

[BookerShark]

***L.D. Williams and Stank are in the Saints’ locker room. Stank is reading something on his ipad, while his partner sits across the room glaring at him.**

S: “Don’t you have something better to do?”

LDW: “Well, I could promo, but it’s kind of hard to follow a ROCKET LAUNCHER!”

S: “Look. For the last time. I DIDN’T DO IT! I’ve already been dragged to court, trapped in Moose’s Tardis car, now you want to bust my balls about it?”

LDW: “Your promo, your responsibility.”

S: “It was one rocket. No one was seriously hurt.”

LDW: “Except for your already creatively challenged partner, who now has to try and blend a ROCKET LAUNCHER into what he has to say.”

S: “You don’t have to-”

LDW: “I mean, do I tie it into a catch phrase? I’m L.D. Williams, and I HAVE A ROCKET LAUNCHER?”

S: “Would yo-“

LDW: “Don’t believe us? I HAVE A ROCKET LAUNCHER!”

S: “That’s not-”

LDW: “Trust my ROCKET LAUNCHER?”

**Stanley the Duck waddles into the room wearing a duck-sized military helmet, with a scale rocket launcher on his shoulder. He waddles up to Stank, who looks mildly concerned, and pulls the trigger. There’s a loud noise, a puff of smoke, and a red flag that says 'Bang!' pops out of the barrel.**

S: “-”

LDW: “-”

S: “Always said you should let the duck speak for you. “

<fade>

[BookerShark]

~~~We find Chad Madison sitting beside Miranda way up in the nosebleed seats. They are sitting and talking as they watch the ring crew set up for tonight's PHWF Show. ~~~

Miranda: ..... I did feel pretty good when it was over.

Chad: No, you looked pretty good out there. Always room for improvement.

Miranda: That's what Alex said.

Chad: He's right. You got a win your first time going solo. That's something.

Miranda: It's still kind of overwhelming.

Chad: It will be for a while. Listen to Lisa & Alex. They won't steer you wrong.

Miranda: I know..

~~~ They sit in silence for a bit, laughing as Comrade Sharkoff tightens the ropes on some poor kid's hand, then scrambling to get him out. ~~~

Miranda: This is.... nice.

Chad: Sure is. I like sitting up here, gives you a perspective. Makes you realize the fan up here paid good money to see you, and you've got to perform for them as well as the folks up front.

Miranda: Yeah.... Yeah

~~~ She smiles at Chad, who grins. The are interrupted by a voice from behind them. ~~~

Voice: Awwww.. how... disgusting

~~~ They turn and see Chloe Neal sitting several rows back, spinning her barbed wire covered branding iron in her hands.  ~~~

Chloe: Oh, don't let me interrupt. I'm fascinated, watching the smooth operator hunt his next victim.

~~~ Chad stands and steps into the aisle, pulling Miranda behind him. Chloe stands and looks down at him ~~~

Chloe: You'd better learn to watch what you say about The Saints of Sinners. That shit will come back to bite you every time.

Chad: You'd better scurry back to the lair. Stank or Moose might need someone to take care of the dry cleaning.

Chloe: you don't get it! I AM A MARTYR!

~~~ Chloe's scream at the top of her lungs gets the attention of the ring crew. Someone scurries away in the background ~~~

Miranda: Chad, let's go!

Chad: You're just a little girl searching for a father figure..... Clio

Chloe: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

~~~ Chloe raises the weapon and comes at Chad in a rage. Chad manages to duck and lets her momentum carry her several steps down. She spins and glares at Chad, eyes blazing red. Chad starts back down at her, but Miranda pulls on his arm ~~~

Miranda: Let's get out of here!

~~~ Chad flashes Chloe the 'Horns' sign and follows Miranda through a row of chairs and up the next aisle. Chloe tries to give chase, but Arena Security has desceneded on the scene by that time and keeps her from advancing. They make it down the stairwell before Chad stops Miranda and pulls her close. ~~~

Chad: You alright?

Miranda: i think so. She creeps me out.

Chad: She does that. Come on, I better get you back to the Darling Suites before the rest of the Sinners show up.

~~~ They duck through an unmarked door and we Fade ~~~