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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:19:35 GMT -5
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live From Blanco Trading Post, NM
Non-Title Parking Lot Brawl[/u]
Chris Cole vs. UnderDawg
OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Capellan vs. Eric O'Mac
Bunkhouse Match for the OOWF World Tag Team Titles[/u]
3Piece Set vs. Drink & Destroy
#1 Contenders Match - Winner Gets a Title Shot at Call To Arms[/u]
Ax-Man vs. Thim Reynolds
Submission Match[/u]
Canadian Dragon vs. Donovan Viper
Steel Cage Match[/u]
kz vs. wCw
The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Devil's Brigade
Voltage & Ecosystem vs. Concrete TG & Blackdragon
Firechild & SYB vs. Spin Hansen & Knife
The Halfrican Americans vs. The Team From Down Under
card subject to the curse of king tut
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:19:58 GMT -5
"It may just be the painkillers talking." Capellan notes as wCw undergo first aid backstage, "But that was awesome."
Missy stares at him, aghast. The writer fights the urge to make a D&D pun.
"Are you insane?" She asks, "Those psychos could have killed you all."
"kz are crazy, that's true." Westgaard agrees, "But Cap's got a point. If you want balls out, no holds barred chaos, there's no one better to face in the ring."
Missy looks disbelieving. Tommy Wilder tries to explain it to her.
"See Miss, fighting LD and Jack - and Thim in a six man - is like standing at the top of a 90 foot ramp with your board. Your hearts goin' 1000 beats per minute and you're lookin' at a real chance of death, but you're amped. It's like when Cap hits a monster wave or Birdy takes on four guys on the ice: those are the moments you live for. The times you really know you're alive."
Westgaard chimes in.
"We like a challenge. kz are that and plenty more. Sure, they're thugs, and they turn a lot of their opponents into thugs as well, but they haven't done that to us because we don't need to prove we're more violent or more brutal or more sadistic than they are -"
"- because we aren't." Wilder agrees, "We don't play kz's game. We play our own. We've got more innovation, more speed -"
"- more hygiene -" Cap suggests.
"- and more air than they do." Tommy grins. "And that's why, though they win some of the matches, kz can't put us away. They think they can drag us down to their level, but really all they can do is push us higher."
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:23:55 GMT -5
<SFJ13 stops kz as they walk through the halls>
SFJ: Moose, LD, what do you have to say about wCw's comments? They seem to think facing you is...fun!
MHJ:<chuckling> Ahhh the naivete of youth. You know, we have faced everyone here in the OOWf, we have shed blood with the best. But in the end, no matter what you think of us, you will admit you were in the fight of your life. Wcw, you think this is fun? Good for you. If you enjoy it now, you will be thrilled as the weeks go on.
See this week, it is a steel cage, next week, who knows? It doesn't matter though. You can keep up now, hell you might even get a win here and there. But in the end, just like with every other team we've faced, we will grind you down, break your spirit, and leave you a bloody, broken shell of the team you once were. It's nothing personal, its what we do.
LDW: Boys, you say you won't play our game? You already are. And you can't win.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:24:23 GMT -5
(SFJ #pi walks up to Ecosystem.)
Eco: #pi? Math major?
SFJ: Poontang.
Eco: Ah.
SFJ: Firechild, your alternate-week nemesis, is teaming with SYB against Spin and your extranged partner, Knife. Who are you rooting for?
Eco: Um...if someone is my enemy, and the other is my sort-of-friend, why would I not root for my sort-of-friend?
SFJ: Because you're a jerk?
Eco: That I am.
SFJ: So, you're teaming with Voltage against the Heroes. You've always seemed to have a rather congenial relationship with the Heroes, though your 4th quarter win over Blackdragon this week may have strained that relationship. Your thoughts?
Eco: You'll also remember, Voltage and I haven't always been BFFAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAE. But I suppose we'll be able to work through.
SFJ: Does that stand for Best Friends Forever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever?
Eco: No. It stands for Best Friends Forever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever Apocalyptic Existence And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever And Ever.
SFJ: Of course. Listen, if you're such good friend with the faces and such an enemy of the heels, why are you still a heel?
Eco: KAYFABE!
(A brick drops on pi's head. Pi has fallen.)
Eco: I feel lonely.
(The Brick grows to 20 times its size and opens up eyes and a mouth.)
Brick: I can interview you.
Eco: Oh good.
Brick: So, after a few full months back, you still have not had a pinfall or submission loss, and I'd approximate your general record as 10-2-4. How does that make you feel?
Eco: Really good. I mean, I'm not John Cena or anything, but I'm doing well.
Brick: Want me to blow up a nuclear power plant and see if you job to it?
Eco: No thank you.
(Voltage walks in.)
Voltage: Ecosystem, I wanted to--WHAT THE HECK?!?!
Eco: What?
Voltage: THERE'S A GIANT TALKING BRICK!!!!
Brick: We haven't met...
Eco: Oh, sorry. Voltage, this is Brick.
Voltage: (tries to zap him with the Shock Stick) IT'S NOT WORKING!! GYAAAH!!!
(Voltage runs away.)
Brick: Silly Voltage. Brick doesn't conduct.
Eco: You might need a better name than Brick.
Brick: Like?
Eco: BRICK.
BRICK: Is that pronounced differently?
Eco: Yes. All capital letters.
BRICK: Can we add a tilde and an exclamation point?
Eco: Yes we can, BRICK~!
BRICK~!: COOL!
(CHAIR and LADDER amble over.)
Eco: Uh oh. They think you're stealing their schtick.
(CHAIR throws himself at BRICK~!, but bounces off. LADDER tries to crush BRICK~! like a nutcracker.)
BRICK~!: Eco, I'm chipping!
Eco: Don't worry, BRICK~! Surely a superhero will come and save you!
(The Heroes come flying in.)
Crete: What seems to be the problem?
Eco: LADDER is attacking my friend, BRICK~!
Nayr: Yo' buddy probably had it coming.
Fly: Fo' shizzle, dizzle.
Crete: Aren't we facing you this week?
Blackdragon: Are you teaming with an inanimate object?
Eco: I'm teaming with Voltage.
Blackdragon: So yes.
Everyone: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ric Flair: WHOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sabu: *motions!*
Eco: You know, kids, we've all had some fun today. But alcohol abuse is a serious problem.
Crete: Thousands of people are afflicted with alcoholism, and it impacts the lives of millions.
Fly: So if you're under 18--
Nayr: 21.
Fly: Really?
Blackdragon: If you're under 21, don't even think of touching a glass of alcohol.
(Sabu sits on CHAIR and motions drinking and then dying.)
Eco: Remember. Stop. Think. Protect Yourself. Maybe you too, can be a hero.
*people clap*
Blackdragon: Wait...you're not a hero.
Eco: Oh. Right.
BRICK~!: Speaking of which, LITTLE HELP!!!!
(50 Cent flies in and extricates BRICK~! from LADDER.)
Eco: Thanks Fitty.
50: You're welcome.
Crete: Is BRICK~! permanent? Because I might have to sue.
(Concrete is struck by lightning.)
Crete: OWW!!
Eco: Voltage?
UD: Nope. UnderDawg. Someone threaten to sue me again?
Blackdragon: No. No one. Listen better in the future.
UD: Is Eco down there?
Eco: Yeah.
UD: Did you get my Superman movie?
Crete: He gave it to me.
UD: I gotta pick that up.
Crete: Well, you're not getting it NOW.
UD: Sorry!!!
SFJ #pi: (stumbling up) I'm up!!!
(BRICK~! falls on Pi.)
Eco: That was intentional.
BRICK~!: You got me.
Fly: Looks like the pie flattened out!!
(General mirth.)
Eco: Say kids, we've all had a lot of fun today. But violence against women is wrong.
Blackdragon: Unless they're heels.
Eco: Right.
Crete: This feels long.
Nayr: Let's end it abruptly.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:27:00 GMT -5
Underdawg is looking at the match lineup this week.
UD: NON-TITLE! I get robbed out of winning the championship for the third week in a row and I get a NON-TITLE MATCH?
The camera pans out... Drink & Destroy are walking by.
St: Don't worry about it, big dawg. you'll kick Cole's ass all over the parking lot next week and then you'll get another title shot, right?
Underdawg grabs Stank by the throat and pushes his fat ass into the wall! FF Capslock, Ax-Man, and Spin look shocked!
UD: You don't seem to understand how this all pisses me off, now do you?
St: No, man. I know how much it pisses you off. So don't take it out on me, take it out on Cole!
UD: NON-TITLE! I can beat him. I did beat him. I HAVE beaten him many times. Do you know that I have never been the OOWF CHampion?
Spin: I thought you had the belt before...
UD: I had it, but I wasn't the champion.
Spin: Oh, so you stole it.
Underdawg uses his left hand to grab Spin by the throat and pushes him against the wall right next to Stank!
FFC: Dawg, let them go, man.
UD: DO YOU WANT SOME, CAPSLOCK?
FFC: Naw... Naw man. I'm just saying. They didn't do nothing. We tried to help you this week, man.
Ax: You want Chris Cole, but you gotta go through all his flunkies. And we all know that's the only reason why you're not champ.
UD: You guys seem to want to help everyone these days. Last week it was Viper, this week, it's me.
FFC: Hey, we weren't saving Viper because of him. We were attacking 3 Piece Set. When we came out to help you, we were HELPING YOU. And attacking 3 Piece Set.
UD: I don't want anything to do with that snake.
St: Dawg, you, me, and Capslock go way back. We've gotten drunk together more times then I can count.
FFC: Fifty-seven.
St: Exactly. Viper's whatever. You and us, we're boys. Listen. Next week may be non-title, but it's also no DQ, right?
UD: Yeah.
St: That means Cole's going to have 3 Piece Set around. You're gonna need back up. And we're willing to be that next week, just like last week. Just... chill out, ok?
Spin: Cuz I'm Spin Freaking Hansen...
St: Not now, man....
Underdawg releases his grip on Stank and Spin.
UD: Yeah, you're right. I've waited this long for the championship. What's one more week? Besides, the more I get to kick Chris Cole's ass, the better.
FFC: Let's go get that drink, Big Dawg.
UD: Another time. I got things to do.
smoke fills the hallway. he doesn't dissapear.
UD: Don't trust Viper. He's a snake.
smoke fills, and now he dissappears.
Spin: Woah.
Ax: Yeah. Woah.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:27:20 GMT -5
Firechild is in the 3PS locker room and he is PISSED!
FC: Goddamnit, that piece of creap Hansen, has got right under my freakin' skin...
CC: Calm down man, weve all got big matches coming around...
FC: Oh wow, you've got a lame English quack and someone we've already beaten to death gunning for you, I'm hardly shaking in my boots at that challenge...
Alt: Hey man, weve got a title defense against D&D, you've just got a pissy tag match with two nobodies and this Spin newbie thats got you so worried...
FC: I am NOT worried, just aggravated....
CC: This is no way to be acting guys, Harris just got bestialised by Viper and we need to make sure we've got a gameplan to work our way through the next few weeks without losing gold....
FC: Thats all this is about to you isn't it Cole, the gold, YOUR title, and rubbing up to golden boy Harris and this pampered baby here...
Alt: Hey, you little prick...
Alt & Firechild square off and look to be about to go at it, when Cole gets in the way....
CC: Guys, im a fustrated as you at the number of guys coming at us, but its to be expected, now we stick together or we get taken apart, it's that simple. OK?
Alt: OK
FC: OK, but theres something I gotta do...
Firechild walks out of the room...
CC: Alt, I think I know how to solve some of our problems...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:30:52 GMT -5
<The camera pans out of the 3Piece Set locker room and we see Moosehead Jack lurking in the shadows having heard everything. A smirk spreads across Jack's face as he turns and heads toward the kz/Thim locker room>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:31:18 GMT -5
(The Heroes Guild are getting ready to leave)
CTG: wait! What about BRICK~!
BRICK~!: I'm good, besides, Eco named me so I think I have to stay with him.
CTG: then could you please release that poor SFJ?
BRICK~!: Trust me, she's "released".
UnderDawg: I wasn't gonna go there....
CTG: Very well, but be warned, BRICK~! Ecosystem is one of the Dark side, and he will lead you to do other evil deeds!
BRICK~!: Like killing more SFJs?
Halfrican Americans: AW HELL NO
BlackDragon: You're not gonna be in Eco's corner at this week's Mayhem, right?
BRICK~!: only if he asks real nice and fixes the chips that YOU guys put in me!
Sabu: (shrugs and points to his scars)
BRICK~!: ok, he's got a point.
LADDER: (not impressed)
CHAIR: (doesn't care, he gives people scars)
CTG: Very well! It's time for our Super Secret Team Meeting! HEROES GUILD ASSEMBLE!
(The Heroes' Guild goes running back down the hall)
BRICK~!: and you thought I was weird.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:31:44 GMT -5
(Meanwhile, in another part of the arena)
AA: I can't believe you forgot where our locker room was!
JA: Look, we barely had time to put our stuff down before we had to go to the production meeting, do you expect me to remember that?
AA: Will you stop it with Kayfabe already?
JA: As soon as you stop complaining. Here, I think this is the room.....
(JA opens the door to a darkened locker room. They can only make out some details)
AA: wow, this is bigger than I remember.
JA: (turning on the lights) yep - this has gotta be it, we're big time heels, we need room to throw stuff around.
AA: who's stuff is this?
JA: huh? Guess we're sharing the room with other heel tag teams.
AA: I don't think so.... (poking around the bags)
JA: (hesitates) Hey Alan .... ever get the feeling we're bein..... watched?
AA: Like millions of eyes are focused on our every move? Blame the Ninja Cameraman
JA: what was that about Kayfabe earlier?
AA: Shut the fuck up, Johnny.
JA: But yeah, I can't shake.... that.... feeling....
(both turn around to see the Heroes' Guild standing near the door, watching them)
CTG: Welcome!
TCH: FACES~!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!!!!!
(TCH flees the room)
CTG: ? Was it something I said?
Sabu: You sounded like AOL.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:33:17 GMT -5
Firechild marches out to the ring and gets a mike...
FC: I'd like to admit that Spin Hansen pinned me, 1-2-3 in the ring last week. I'm also man enough to say that Spin has been a thorn in my side since Doomy Doomy Doom Doom, and frankly I'm sick of it.....
The crowd get a huge LO-SER, LO_SER chant going on...
FC: Go on people, lap it up, but the fact remains that Spin pinned me in a match that meant NOTHING, the fact remains that I am STILL the Onslaught champion, and let me remind you, the first Onslaught Champion, the ONLY three time Onslaught Champion and this makes me UNDISPUTABLY the finest technical wrestler in the OOWF.
He pauses for effect, then continues...
FC: Oh, some may say that means I have been beaten twice for the belt, but let me remind you that both times I lost before was in controversial cirumstances and when I was preoccupied with other matters... now I am not. So Spin, I'll admit that you have impressed me, but you like somany others in this company have failed to gain my respect. Do you truly feel you have the cojones, the mana, the juice to go up against the greatest EVER in the Onslaught division, when it really matters?
The crowd have gone quiet waiting, feeling that something big is coming.
FC: So Spin, I extend to you this. I'm sick of you, and I want you out of my hair, and I'm willing to put my title on the line to get rid of you. I challenge you, Spin Freakin' Hansen to an Iron Man match, under Onslaught rules for my Onslaught Championship.
The crowd go nuts for this and Firechild motions for calm....
FC: But Spin, this title shot isn't a gimme....I've discussed this with GM the Rick and whoever loses this match will not be allowed another title shot so long as the other man holds the belt.
The crowd go absolutely librarian-poo at this and Firechild waits for them to calm down.....
FC: You see Spin, this will end it between us, no excuses, I will show, over a hour that I am the better man, no weapons, no interference, no fluke falls, just proving that I am the better man. Spin, you have impressed, aggravated and annoyed me, but I doubt that you will step up, and earn my respect, because I AM the Onslaught champion, and theres not a damn thing you can do about it......
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:33:41 GMT -5
(BRICK~! is walking down the hall when he runs into The Chickenshit Heels.)
BRICK~!: Hey guys! Have you seen Eco?
JA: What the...are you a hero?
BRICK~!: No...I'm with Eco.
AA: Is he a hero?
BRICK~!: I don't think so?
(The Knife walks in.)
TK: He is not. He's a very bad guy, from time to time.
JA: Well, I for one think he has redeeming qualities.
TK: Well, everyone does. We're made in God's image.
BRICK~!: I'm not.
TK: Are you a giant talking brick?
BRICK~!: Yes.
Borat: (running in) Eh-hai-five!
TCH: BORAT?
Borat: I hear you talk of the Ecocyst. In my country, they think he great hero. He has slanty eyes like magic genie!
TK: Do Genies have...erm...slanty eyes?
JA: Shazam didn't.
AA: Was it Kazaam?
BRICK~!: There should be more Shaquille O'Neal themed movies.
(Donovan Viper walks in.)
DV: Let me tell you guys something. I'm back, and I'm back for revenge. You're not going to stop me, or even get in my way. This week, I start my reign of destruction with a win over--
(BRICK~! crushes Donovan Viper. Donovan Viper has fallen.)
JA: Promo hog.
Borat: Sucks to be yoo.
(BD walks in.)
BD: Has Brick already fallen?
TK: Yep.
BD: That's a relief.
AA: Hey, we're not going to be Heroes!! DON'T EVEN TRY!!!
BD: ...I was looking for a cup of coffee.
TK: Where's Eco?
JA: Why do you ask?
TK: This is his promo time....and yet he didn't even show up.
Eco: That's annoying.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:35:23 GMT -5
Viper is coming to as Drink & Destroy walk by. Viper rubs his head.
DV: OW! Goddamn BRICK~!
St: Aw shit, did those 3Piece Set assholes get to you again?
FFC: I hate those guys.
DV: Naw, it was just a brick.
Ax: Hollywood Harris hit you with a brick? I thought that was Ecosystem's thing.
DV: No, it wasn't Harris this time. It wasn't Eco either. Just a brick.
Spin Hansen is dancing and singing: She's a brick - da da da - house - da da da.
St: You know The Commodores?
SH: I was actually an Apple II guy.
St: *groan*
DV: What do you care, man? You weren't saving me, you were just attacking 3 Piece, right?
FFC: Well, actually, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.
St: Yeah. Look. we have a common enemy in 3 Piece Set, and you're a damn good wrestler. Former champ, etc. And you've always been a team player.
FFC: You need some backup, man.
SH: Guys, didn't Underdawg just tell us not to deal with this guy.
FFC: He has his reasons to say what he did. But Stank and I actually think Viper's turned a new leaf.
St: Yeah.
Ax: I've hated Harris since day one. I can stand side-by-side with another Harris hater.
DV: Hey, hey, hey. Listen. I don't think you guys remember, but I'm not exactly a team player.
SH: He plays for the other team, last time I ***POP!**** Viper just punched Spin in the face!
SH: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?
FFC: Come on, you asked for it.
St: Yeah, man. Read the promos, man. Anyways, think about it. And come have a drunk with us. Kind of a welcome back drink.
DV: Sorry guys. I don't drink anymore.
FFC, Spin, and Ax (faces agape): WHAAAAA??!??!?
DV: I don't. I was training with indie sensation, BL Ska, and he got me into the whole "No drugs, no alcohol, no celery, and no feeding mogwais after midnight" thing. I think it's really made my life better.
FFC, Spin, and Ax: NO ALCOHOL?!?!?!?!?!
St: Wait, you also trained with EECW superstar Rod Von Darn. He's got a completely different philosophy.
DV: Hey, a man wants to feed mogwais after midnight, it's his perogative. Anyways, thanks, but no thanks.
Viper walks away.
Spin: HE DOESN'T DRINK?!?! WHAT A H ...
Ax, FFC, St: DON'T SAY IT, DUMBASS!!!
Spin: What? I was just gonna say 'what a hard thing to do.' Sheesh...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:35:45 GMT -5
SFJ#69 (the best one..) catches up with Firechild in the parking lot as he throws his kit bag into the back seat of his convertible...
SFJ: Firechild, why have you risked your Onslaught title by offering Spin Hansen, a wrestler who seems to have your number, a shot at the belt?
FC: You see Candy, (for he knows them all, wink wink) its because sometimes its better to face up to a problem rather than pay somebody to deal with it, or run away from it, and anyway, I wasn't boasting that I am the very best in the Onslaught division, and if Spin is fool enough to put all his future title shots on the line, then thats his choice.
SFJ: But arn't you concerned that Spin might beat you and then you have given away your chance for a rematch for the gold?
Firechild looks vexed, then smiles...
FC: It's always possible in a match that some plucky rookie might 'get lucky' and maybe take my title away, hel, it's happened twice before when ive been distracted by other issues, but this is an Iron Man match and he might get a few falls but I find it very unlikely that he will get more than me...
He seems thoughtful for a second then continues
FC: But it seems appropriate to give him a shot, a chance to earn my respect, which I must admit NOBODY in the OOWF currently has, since Setaph faded away. I hated him but I respected him.
Firechild looks melancholy and SFJ#69 is about to ask something else when...
Chris Cole charges in and smacks Firechild up against his car...
CC: What in hell do you think you are doing? Calling out Spin? And in a one hour Onslaught rules match? We can't help you there man, you are supposed to run this through with the Set BEFORE you make decisions like this! Dammit, we have a plan man!
Firechild is pressd up against his car, Cole holding him up with handfuls of his shirt...
FC: WE had a plan, thats interesting Cole, interesting how I can keep a hold of my title by myself, but you need all of us and sold us out to Kz to keep yours?
CC: Shut up Flame, you had no right to do this, you've put our power base in jeopardy with your selfish bastard actions!
Firechild pushes Cole back and he Cole steadies himself against the SFJ...
FC: Some things are more important Cole. You used to know that.....
He gets in his car and screams into the night in a cloud of rubber smoke and a blaring of Black Label Society
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:36:07 GMT -5
<Chris Cole stands and watches Firechild speed off, leaving him alone in his own thoughts, that is until Moose shows up>
MHJ: Damn shame about that isn't it.
CC:<looks sideways at Jack for a minute> What do you know about this Jack?
MHJ: I know it looks like someone in 3Piece Set isn't too happy with the way things work.
CC: And what do you have to do with this?
MHJ: Me? Not a thing. 3Piece Set business is not my problem
CC:<getting angry> SEE JACK, THAT'S JUST IT, IT IS YOUR BUSINESS! We had a deal!
MHJ: Take the bass out of your voice son. I think you are forgetting something, the deal was, we would watch each others back. That means me, LD and Thim decide when and where we want to help. You know, I don't see your boys running to our defense either, hell half the time Alt and Harris are nowhere to be found.
CC: What are you trying to say Jack?
MHJ: What I'm trying to say....champ....is there are a lot or rumors floating around that you have a tenuous grip, at best, on that title. You damn sure are not going to give us orders, and it seems like you can't even get your boys on the same page. Now, it would seem to me that you might want to get your affairs in order, after Thim beats Ax this week, he WILL be taking that OOWF World Title from you. How is that gonna look when you are the only guy in the set with no gold?
CC: You threatening me Jack?
MHJ: No threats Cole. No need for threats. Just some friendly advice. You want to make this work with us, you better figure out a way to make your own crew work. And hey, no hard feelings when Thim takes that belt, right, it's just business.
CC: Thim gets this title over my dead body
MHJ: Careful what you wish for Cole, you just might get it. Trust me.
<Jack smirks and walks away, leaving Cole alone once again>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:36:32 GMT -5
*The Physical Manifestation of Kayfabe is RUNNING~! through the hallway.*
PMOK: Help! Help! Can't you see they're going to break me?!?! Won't someone please help!?1?
*Kayfabe runs right into Disgraced Former Senator Mark Foley*
PMOK: I don't know who you are but help! They're after me!
DFSMF: Now slow down there, little boy. Who's chasing you?
PMOK: It's the Chickenshit Heels! I was just minding my own business when all of a sudden they appeared out of nowhere! One was shouting about how breaking me was the only way to make everything right!
DFSMF: Now, now, little boy. I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems. How about some candy to make everything better?
PMOK: I'd love some, but right now I have to run for my life! They're going to kill me by breaking me in half, they said! They gloated and said they would never have to bother with me again!
DFSMF: Now just calm down, uh, what was your name again?
PMOK: Kayfabe.
DFSMF: Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to you. Come with me.
PMOK: Will I be safe from the Chickenshit Heels? The sound of their name is burning agony to my soul!
DFSMF: Don’t worry about a thing. Now let’s see if we can find somewhere quiet and alone.
*All of a sudden a BRICK~! comes flying out of nowhere and hits Foley in the head. Foley is down!*
Crete: It was my fear that we were too late. But Kayfabe is still alive and well!
Nayr: Uh, isn’t this entire promo breaking kayfabe?
PMOK: No! I see... a white light... *gasp* it’s my mother... she’s holding a freshly baked pie...
Fly: Come back to the lizzight, K-Fabe dawg.
Blackdragon: No! You still have so much to live for!
PMOK: Remember me... as a portrayal of events within the industry as being real and not staged. *Gasp*.
Crete: It’s not fair, he was so young. To be struck down at such a tender age.
DFSMF: What? I didn’t know he was young! I swear! *Runs away.*
Blackdragon: Don’t worry, as long as we remember him, he will never be truly dead.
Ecosystem: Can I have my brick back?
BRICK~!: Welly welly welly welly. Look who’s come crawling back.
Nayr: I’m pretty sure he’s truly dead.
MHJ: Fuck!
TCH: Haha!
*KZ beats TCH up*
Blackdragon: Isn’t there a meeting we’re supposed to be having?
Crete: We’re having it right now. A meeting between good and evil. Guild, Assemble!
*The Heroes Guild jumps into a fray with the Electric Company who were just passing by.*
Voltage: Haha! With Kayfabe dead, we don’t need any sort of segue whatsoever! I can just dryly comment on the lack of segue in an ironic way!
*The battle continues down the hallway.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:36:56 GMT -5
*Canadian Dragon is sitting in a dark room with his safe.*
CD: "Viper...my safe...it's like it's 2005 all over again. But don't worry...that's all about to change."
*Camera fades to black.*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:39:37 GMT -5
Johnny Adrenaline is safely in The Chickenshit HEELS locker room when the door opens. In steps Atttitude Adjuster. Unlike last week, he is wearing a shirt. A very expensive looking, Shelton Benjamin-type shirt. JA turns from the OOWF-TV.
JA: Hmmm, nice shirt. I take it you won this week?
AA: RUTGERS DID THE J-O-B, JOBBBBERRRROONIE!!!
JA: So does that mean I get my car back?
AA: Right outside, big man.
JA: Really!?
AA: Well, actually it’s a different one, but it is a car. I think you’ll like it. You’re into Ferraris, right?
JA: You won enough to buy a Ferrari? How’d you get that kind of money?
AA: Shhh!!! I mortgaged my half of Ric’s Sandwich Shoppe. I just gotta make sure this wad of cash tossed in this seemingly flimsy gym bag makes it to the bank after the matches.
JA: That sounds perfectly reasonable to be carrying around enough money to close a mortgage on a sandwich shop without putting it into a safe or something. After all, we’re wrestlers. What could possible happen to A GYMBAG FULL OF MONEY???
AA: Why did you just yell that?
JA: What? I didn’t yell anything about a GYMBAG FULL OF MONEY!!!
AA: No, I’m pretty sure you did that again. Not that anything could possibly happen to this GYMBAG FULL OF MONEY!!!!! Hmm, now it seems I’m doing it to.
JA: Maybe it’s part of an angle that we don’t know about. Which reminds me, have you seen the card for this week’s Midweek Mayhem?
AA: Nah, I haven’t paid real close attention. It seems our angle right now is our moral fight between right and wrong, and the comedic affect of our wanting to remain heel. It doesn’t seem our matches are meaningful right now. Let me guess, we’re fighting The Devil’s Brigade again.
JA: Uhh, yeah.
AA: What is this, like the third time in four weeks? And there’s still no gimmick attached, and no one seems to be upset about the results of the match. That feud is going nowhere. (AA turns to the camera) And Mr. The Rick, we get it that you keep putting us in matches against heels! We get the joke! Now stop it and let us get on with our lives!
JA: Did you just break the fourth wall and yell at the Invisible Ninja Cameraman?
AA: Yes, I did! So?
JA: It would probably be more heel-like if you attacked him.
AA: Good idea. But I can’t see him.
JA (pointing in a random direction): I think he’s over there.
AA: I got this one.
AA walks over to where he believes the Invisible Ninja Cameraman is, kicks in the air, sets up for a DDT and falls on his back.
AA: Did I get him?
JA: Not really sure.
AA: Let’s try this.
AA puts The Claw on thin air. He anguishes and fights, and seems to have THIN AIR tapping.
AA: Is it working?
JA: Not really sure. Do Invisible Ninja Cameramen bleed? And if they do, can we see their blood?
AA (releasing the hold): Well, I think I got him, so let’s leave it at that. You want to go get a sandwich?
JA: Sure. Hey, don’t forget your GYMBAG FULL OF MONEY!
AA: Thanks, Johnny. I’d sure hate to lose this GYMBAG FULL OF MONEY!
******************************************************************
This useless promo was brought to you by The Chickenshit Heels Production Company, directed by Ron Simmons and financed by RUTGERS SUCKS Financial Agency.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:40:36 GMT -5
(Ecosystem and Thomas Jefferson walk over to the GYMBAG FULL OF MONEY.)
Ecosystem: Look, Thomas Jefferson! It's a large bag of money? Should we try to return it to its rigthful owners?
Thomas Jefferson: I don't think so. I think whoever left it here means to pick it up from the same place.
Ecosystem: Good point.
(Pause.)
Ecosystem: Hey, aren't you dead?
Thomas Jefferson: Maybe?
(BRICK~! lands on Thomas Jefferson)
Ecosystem: Now you are.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:40:56 GMT -5
(The Heroes Guild and the Electric company are BRAWLING~! backstage
AC: SMASH!
DC: CRUSH~!
CTG: Ax ^_^ (sends DC into the wall)
(THA sling AC into the Clangy poles)
Clangy Poles: (Protest Mightily)
Nayr: Bam! Vanquished! Vic-tizz-ry!
Fly: Homie it ain't happenin
BD: (Stomps down DC some more since the Clangy poles have AC) I think we're done here
(The Heroes Guild hurry back to the locker room, where the monitor pops open and THE LAW - Sterling Glaw, that is - appears on the monitor)
Glaw: Heroes, I understand we are experiencing a death of Kayfabe around here
Nayr: but if K-Fizzle was just a little homey there's gotta be more, right?
Fly: was hopin K-fabe was a real babe
CTG: We were unable to save the little one
Glaw: There will need to be a restoration of Kayfabe around here. And a severe reduction in celebrity cameos, this company doesn't make enough money?
CTG: Either that or Mel needs to give The Rick a bigger cut of his profits.
Glaw: As for your missions this week - Concrete, you and Blackdragon will be teaming up against your nemeses, Ecosystem and Voltage. You are well aware of Voltage's backup, I anticipate you will have backup as well.
CTG: Sabu and CHAIR will be posted nearby in case of any complications.
Glaw: (nods) Halfrican Americans, once again you face the Team from Down Under. This time I need you to see if they would be worthy of joining our Guild.
Fly: Word.
Nayr: Fo'shizzle
Glaw: Adrenaline and Capps were in here earlier as you recall. They seem reluctant but their abilities would be most welcome.
CTG: They just need to embrace our ways. I expect them to come around soon enough.
Glaw: Now, any new information for me?
CTG: Netflix has delayed my investigations. I'm still waiting for my copy of Spartacus. Sabu is apparently having issues with them.
Sabu: (grumble)
CTG: Sabu also has nothing new on the LADDER situation, but we will keep you posted. Oh, we might have another issue with someone called "BRICK~!".
Glaw: I'm monitoring that situation personally. You will have more information soon.
CTG: (salutes)
Glaw: Good luck, Heroes Guild - we will make the world Believe again (screen shuts off and seals itself away)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:41:18 GMT -5
<wCw are watching The Heroes Guild promo in their locker room> JWW: I can't decide, are they really cool, or insane? TW: Did you see those outfits, SWEET! Missy we should get something like that! JWW: If you think I am giving up the sweater for spandex, you are out of your head! Cap: What about those new jersies the NHL is talking about? JWW: They look like shit, end of story. Missy: Guys, we should really focus on your matches this week, Tommy, you and Westgaard have those psychopaths kz, in a cage, who the hell thought THAT was a good idea? JWW: Piece of cake Missy: And Cap, you have Eric O'Mac Cap: Again? Haven't I beaten him like a dozen times? I can't believe he is the same guy that held the Onslaught belt all that time, no focus at all right now <as they are debating their opponents, the door swings open and kz and Thim walk in, wCw jump to their feet> TW: Well come in. What the hell do you three want? You wanna throw down now? LET'S GO! <LDW heads toward Tommy, but Moose holds him back> MHJ: Now now guys, we are not here to fight, that would be too easy. We are here to talk to Missy Missy: Me? MHJ: Yes. See as the "manager" of wCw... TR: yeah, "manager" little trollop more like it Cap: You got something to say Thim? TR: I think I just did. You gonna do something champ? Missy: Cap, not now. Anyway Jack what do you want? MHJ: I just want you to make sure your boys have all their affairs in order and their insurance paid up and all that. There is no way they walk out of the cage with us with their careers still in hand. LDW: Enough talking... <LDW flips the lightswitch off and we hear crashing and things breaking, Missy lets out a scream and we hear glass shatter and someone yell, the camera fades out> |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:42:12 GMT -5
Drink & Destroy enter their locker room
SFJ#'s 1-24 Sans Number 5- SURPRISE!!!!!
FFC - WHAT the HELL?
Stank - Oh WOW! You guys remembered?
SFJ#1 - Happy Birthday Lucas!
FFC - WHAT?
Stank - Thanks Alicia!
FFC - How did I not know about this?
Stank - I don't know. Maybe because Blown Spot is writing this promo and he knows I don't usually make a big deal out of my birthday but, I feel like sharing today for some reason and the OOWF is the only place on these boards where others might care that it's my birthday but, he knew you didn't know and somehow that's kind of funny because you have no problem making a big deal out of it being your birthday and Spot thinks I might want to be a bit more uninhibited like you but, what he doesn't realize is that I'm VERY uninhibited which is odd since he's writing this promo.
PMOK - Et tu Stank?
FFC - It's really Spot's birthday isn't it?
PMOK - Mr. Capslock!
Stank - We just so happen to share the same birthday.
PMOK - You guys are really killing me.
FFC - Geez Stank I didn't know. Sorry I didn't get you nothin. I'll make it up to you though, promise.
Spin - WE will make it up to you.
Ax - WE
Stank - Thanks fellas.
...
FFC - So... only 1,2,3,4... twenty five SFJ's?
Stank - Yeah, my mojo must be slippin a bit in my old age.
SFJ#17 - Actually, numbers 26 through 1265...
SFJ#3 - SHHHH! You'll spoil the it!
RS - Damn.
Ax - So uh... Stank. You wanna share any of these girls with us?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:42:33 GMT -5
Viper walks into the birthday celebration.
DV: Happy birthday Stank.
St: So are you gonna have a drink with us or what? It's my birthday, man!
FFC: Yeah! Gotta have a drink for my boy's birthday! (heads Viper towards the D&D Fridge-O-Beer)
DV: Oh, all right. Oooh! Corona!
Drink & Destroy look at each other...
DV: JUST A CORONA! I DON'T NEED NO FREAKING LIME!
D&D: Whew!
SFJ7: Oh no, we're not partying with this guy.
SFJ 22: Yeah, that bastard has Sidewindered me more times than I can remember.
Ax: Sounds like that could be a sexual reference.
Spin: But it's not. (winces) Don't hit me, Donnie.
DV: Nah, nah. All these SFJs hate me, and for good reason. I'm not gonna ruin your party.
Viper leaves as D&D and the SFJs (sans #5) continue to party.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:42:52 GMT -5
At Stank's birthday party (happy birthday!), SFJ#24 is counting on her fingers.
"One through 24, skipping #5 ... that's twenty-three." She frowns in what passes for concentration in an SFJ, "So why did Capslock count 25 of us?"
"What's the matter, sweetcheeks?" one of other SFJs asks in passing. Let's call her SFJ 24+1
"I think there are two imposters here." 24 replies. Then she pauses, "Say, I don't normally swing that way, but there's something about you that just turns me on."
Another SFJ enters the scene, grabbing at 24+1's arm.
"C'mon Hollywood, we've got to take Stank into the other room and give him his birthday 'surprise'."
"Hollywood?" 24 looks nonplussed.
"Holly. Wood." 24+1 separates out the words. "That's my name, isn't it Christine?"
The newcomer nods.
"Quick, Holly ... Stank's waiting for us in the other room. We need to give him his surprise right away, before anyone can interrupt us."
The pair disappear through the door. Moments later, there is a series of loud crashes, shouting and thumps against the wall.
24 fans herself with her hand.
"Whew, those two must really be giving Stank a working over!"
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:43:17 GMT -5
[Scene opens with Voltage training in the gym with everyone's favourite X-Division pioneer, KEVIN NASH~! and also, Jerry Lynn.]
Voltage: So I've been away most this week on a training trip to such wrestling hotspots as Mexico, Japan, Perth...
Jerry Lynn: There's wrestling in Perth?
V: Well, since I'm such a great athlete, you'd have to assume so.
Kevin Nash: We had a massive 5-star match there, remember? God, your copy of SvR2006 gave some big matches back in the day! I'm blowing up just thinking about it.
V: And I even trained in the 2-sided rings of Madagascar. Roll the montage!
[Footage rolls of Voltage and Kevin Nash sitting in various bars across the world, DRINKING~!]
KN: Must be the wrong tape.
V: No...no, thats about all we did, I think.
JL: So that's all you did this week? DRINK CHEAP FOREIGN BEERS AND POSSIBLY CONTRACT SEVERAL STDs? WHERE IS YOUR DEDICATION, SON? YOU NEED TO SHOW SOME HEART TO BE IN THE X-DIVISION!
KN: ...or just be the booker.
JL: ...touche.
V: So with that out of the way, it seems to be that the Electric Co. are being jobbed out to the Heroes Guild backstage. Kev, you know anything about this?
KN: Well, I was mainly hoping just to lose that DC dude. I could use another on-air role, and I thought...yknow...
V: Do you come with the booker creative control?
JL: WHY ARE WE EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION? YOU SHOULD BE TRAINING!?! YELL AT ME! AAARGH! AARGH! AAAARGH!
V: Wow, he had a point, but he should have seen the tank of piranhas sitting behind him.
KN: Yeah, won them as a prize for winning a tournament in Mexico, called the Rey De Guapos. Think it means "Best Dude".
V: Right on. So, um, do I have a match or something this week?
KN: You and Eco against Concrete TG and Blackdragon.
V: Who's this Concrete cat again?
KN: Even *I* think that's too ridiculous, dude. Don't you have issues with Ecosystem?
V: Yeah! We both hit guys with bricks on occasion, and he sorta beat me with a chair.
KN: So why are you teaming with him?
V: Kayfabe. We're both heels.
KN: Ah. So who's going to take the pin this week?
V: Obviously it won't be me or Concrete, considering we're the captains. Looks like I'm safe to have a few more 'training sessions' before the match. Hooters?
KN: See you there, big shot.
[Scene fades.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jul 17, 2008 11:44:59 GMT -5
Ax-man, Capslock, Stank and Spin are sitting around in Rob Feinsteins Basement Bar.
Ax: Okay this it tonight, no more jokes, no more Southern comforts and diet cokes, and no faggy Dragonfly masks. Tonight I’ve got a number one contenders match against Thim Reynolds. Ha what joke last month was great I purposely wrestled at half speed against Capeallen, in my “quest” for the IC strap. I could’ve beaten Capeallen many times over but I lost that series because, I want my first singles title win needs to special and it will be, it’s going to be over Chris Cole for World title, the hour or …PPV of revenge is at hand. Thim is all the stands in the way and no doubt the UnderDawg is going to soften up Cole. I just love it when this shit like this lines up. Ok, well one round of Southers and DC.
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