OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 07-25-07

[mooseheadjack]

<we cut to GM the Rick’s Office where we see a sweaty Capellan and Johnny Adrenaline standing in his office>

GmtR: Ok, it looks like you two won the right to pick the stips for the pay per view match, so what will it be….

<Cap opens his mouth to speak but Johnny cuts him off>

JA: WE want a WEAPONS ON A POLE match, HA beat THAT!

GMtR: A Weapons on a pole match? Gee I am surprised, you sure you don't want a sandwich on a pole match?

<from outside the door we hear AA - SEE I TOLD YOU!!!>

JA: Yeah! Put some sandwiches in there too

GMtR: Will Ric cater that?

JA: Ric? Fuck no, his sandwiches are like eating a slice of heaven, put some Subway shit in there, that shit is lethal!

<just then, inexplicably, Rick’s plasma TV cuts from the Reds game to a Ric Flair Subway Promo from 2005>

Jared: Two years ago, I weighed over eleven hundred pounds….
Voice Offscreen: Whoooooo!! Fatboy!!
Jared:…errr, but then I found Subway’s new delicious low calorie turkey sub on a pita loaf
VO: Turkey, by god, on pita whoooooo!!!!
Jarrod: Ummmm, and I, uh ate the turkey and their subs for breakfast and . . .
VO: and I took your momma to Space Mountain! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
<just then Ric Flair strolls onto camera carrying a Philly Steak and Cheese sub>
Jared: who the hell is this guy?
RF: Who am I? Who am I! I’m RIC FLAIR Bitch! Ha! WHoooooooooo!
Jared: right, why are you here?
RF: <becoming serious> For thirty glorious years I traveled this world, I ate with the greats! Me and Harley Race devoured ribs in Kansas City! Me and Abdullah the Butcher at barbecue in Atlanta! Me and Hogan tore the roof off of all the five star restaurants in New York! I’ve had sushi in Japan with Muta, I’ve had steak with the Von Erich’s in Texas, God rest their souls. Jared, I’ve seen it all!! I’ve dined with Kings, I ate beanie weenies with the jabronies in Minnesota. But never, by God, never have I had a sub sandwich like this Philly! WHOOOOOOOO!!!
Jared: Well Ric, that’s great and all, but the Philly isn’t exactly on the carb friendly menu….
RF: Carbs! Carbs! You don’t eat a 12 pound steak in an hour worrying about carbs! You don’t eat more hard boiled eggs than Andre BY GOD the Giant worrying about carbs! You don’t survive a thai food death match with Tiger Jeet Singh by worrying about carbs! WHOOOOOO! To BE the man, you gotta OUT EAT the man! WHOOOOOOOO!!!
Jaredd: but, um Ric, this is sorta MY spot, you know, doing the subway commercials and all…
<from off screen Arn Anderson runs into the picture clubs Jarrod in the back if the head, starts to whip Jarrod across the room, then pulls him back toward him and destroys him with a crazy spinebuster>
AA: You are not just given a spot among the elite. You have to earn it. When Ric was eating the hottest salsa south of Texas, who was there with the water? It was me. When Ric traveled to England and had more kidney pie than William Regal, who was there with the napkins? It was me. I earned my spot. And this man <slapping Flair on the shoulder> This man is a legend, if he says eat the Philly, then that’s exactly what you do.
RF: Diamonds are forever, and so is the twelve inch Philly sub from Ric Flair’s Sandwich Shoppe. Eat fresh, Fat Boy!!!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!
<Flair and Anderson leave, as they walk by Anderson stomps on the fallen Jared>
<Flair steps back into the picture and does a little dance, then drops an elbow on Jared>
RF: WHOOOOO Wonder why Jared lost 300lbs? EAT TAPE WORMS FAT BOY! WHOOOOOOO!!!
<Flair looks directly into the camera> I Took your Old Lady to Ric Flair’s Sandwich Shoppe! You should too! WHOOOOOOOO!

<the TV goes blank and everyone in the room just stops and stares at one another, finally Rick speaks>

GMtR: Umm ok, can we get on with this? Ok Cap what is your stip?

JA: Like it can possibly top ours

Cap: Wow, that's a tough one, ok Rick, we want an Ultimate Punjabi Prison X Triple Scaffold Match

JA: THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL MATCH!!!!

Cap: It is now

JA: RICK!!

GMtR: Adrenaline, you had your chance. He picked, now you live with it, now both of you out! I need to cut a promo

<JA to Cap as they are walking out of the room>

JA: Did Rick just kill kayfabe?

Cap: You really think you should be asking that?

JA: Is it on the script?

Cap: How the hell have you made it this long without Flair killing you? <Cap walks off>

JA: What’s wrong with him?

<We cut back to GM the Rick’s office where he is sitting behind his desk composing himself while Erlana finishes up and hands Rick a flask of whiskey. After a few more seconds Rick looks at the invisible ninja camera man and begins>

Ok, here’s the deal, since all of our pay per view matches are already pretty well set, and that card will be announced momentarily, having the same douchenozzles fight each other this week then again at the pay per view seems a little pointless. We are not the E, we don’t want to give you repetitive crap each week.

So what we are going to do this week is a little team challenge sort of thing. We are going to have four teams of six men, chosen at random, compete for a prize. What prize? I am getting to that. The prize is the purposely vague “Winner Gets to Choose Their Own Match and Opponent.” That oughta spice things up.

Ok here’s how this works. We have four teams, each team will have a singles match, a tag match and a six man match. To keep it interesting the six man matches are worth 1 point, the tag matches 2 points, and the singles match 3 points. Now, at the end of the night, the winning team will compete in a six man battle royal. The last man standing gets the Vague Promise. Now, let’s pick the teams.

<Rick pulls a faded Reds hat from beneath the desk>

Oh wait, they suck, hold on

<He tosses that hat aside and pulls out a Yankees hat and tosses a pile of folded slips of paper in the hat>

Erlana, if you would…..

<Erlana picks all the slips out of the hat, and Rick writes the names on a sheet of paper>

Ok, here’s how it shakes out:

Team 1:[/u]

Concrete TG
Donovan Viper
Nayr
Knife
Outback Jack
El Voltaje

Team 2:[/u]

Moosehead Jack
Spin Hansen
Canadian Dragon
Johnny Adrenaline
Kenji
Lucios

Team 3:[/u]

Hardbody Harris
Firechild
Underdawg
Attitude Adjuster
Davin Moreland
Phantos

Team 4[/u]

Capellan
LD Williams
Stank
Chris Cole
Ecosistema
JW Westgaard

Ok, the lineup gets posted on my door, there are no changes, no swapping, NOTHING!! It stays the way it is. Now Go Away!


OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Horqueta, Paraguay

Six Man Battle Royal to Determine the Vague Stip Winner[/u]

Singles Matches – Worth 3 Points[/u]
Concrete TG vs. Capellan
Moosehead Jack vs. Hardbody Harris

Tag Team Matches – Worth 2 Points[/u]
Donovan Viper & Nayr vs. Spin Hansen & Canadian Dragon
UnderDawg & Firechild vs. Stank & LD Williams

Six Man Matches – Worth 1 Point[/u]
Knife, Outback Jack & El Voltaje vs. Attitude Adjuster, Davin Moreland & Phantos
Johnny Adrenaline, Kenji & Lucios vs. Chris Cole, Ecosistema & JW Westgaard

Apocalyptic Bastards vs. Jason Shapiro & Puck Dupp

Card subject to the strange and awesome powers of Paraguay

[mooseheadjack]

SYB: Uhm - what was with that promo last week?

AE: I have no idea. I went out on the town, had some of the local firewater, and don't remember anything until shortly before our match.

SYB: You? You, who have been so insistent and gung-ho about our new founded mission and respect?

AE: Despite all the modifications, I am still only human. [pause] I think. I haven't run the DNA sequencing test in some time. Still, I've got my limitations, too. Besides, have you seen some of the women down here? I'm a wrestler, not a priest.

[mooseheadjack]

(Chris Cole is sitting in his locker room, talking to an unidentified party on speakerphone about last week's match results against Davin Mooreland. )

Cole: I'm telling you, this is complete and total bullshit. I'm the Main Event, and now they've got me facing off against a waste of space like Mooreland! I held the World Championship for longer than anyone else here, and I RAN THIS PLACE.

Guy On The Phone (in a muffled voice): It is completely ridiculous. You should be facing Crete for the title. I'll tell you what I do think that you should do, though... start rebuilding the Three Piece Set. I'm sure there are plenty of people around here who would want to be associated with you.

Cole: That's definitely something to think about... and with my resources, I can definitely assemble the best group of wrestlers that the world has ever seen, with me as their leader. I'll be unstoppable. By the way, what's up with your voice, man? You sound... different.

GotP: I've got a cold, but never mind that. Let me put it this way... the next short while will show everyone that you deserve what's coming to you.

(GM The Rick comes into the room without knocking.)

Cole: Hold on, some asshole decided to come in here without knocking. Rick, how DARE you come in here after what you did to me last week. I have nothing to say to you right now... at least not with my mouth. My fists, on the other hand, are something else entirely.

GMtR: Looks like someone here can't take the taste of their own medicine. I'm just coming in here to see if you've learned your lesson... but it seems pretty obvious to me that you haven't.

Cole: Get out of here now before I make you regret the day you were ever born. (He starts talking to the guy on the phone.) Looks like your prediction isn't entirely right.

GotP: Oh, no... I DEFINITELY think that you will deserve what's coming to you.

(The gentleman on the phone clears his throat, and the voice issuing from it is instantly recognizable...)

Moosehead Jack: Trust me.

(Spin Hansen comes barreling through the door, wielding a metal baseball bat! He BLASTS Cole in the face with a vicious shot from the bat, dropping it and immediately hoisting him into position for Spinal Justice! SPINAL JUSTICE THROUGH A CONVENIENTLY-PLACED COFFEE TABLE! Cole is not looking good!)

Spin: Rick, count this for me!

(Spin covers as The Rick delivers a three count! )

GMtR: And now, YOUR NEW DDT IRONMAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION: SPIN FREAKIN' HANSEN!

(Spin grabs the belt from a corner, where it has been collecting dust, and hoists it high.)

Moosehead Jack (from the phone): I told you that I'd keep my end of the bargain. Now are you going to keep yours?

[mooseheadjack]

(Phantos & Lucios are walking down the hall. Phantos is reading a small paperback book. He bumps into an unnamed stagehand.)

P: Sorry man, you ok? (stagehand scurries away)

L: Man, I told you to take it easy with that book. I don't want to get into a fight beacuse you aren't paying attention.

P: Hey, I'm doing this for US. I'm trying to learn a little Spanish so we can understand what the heck Los Defensestrators are saying in their promos.

L: What do we care what they say about us?

P: Think man, They might have been planning that sneak attack last week right out in the open, except we don't speak Spanish! Next time, I want to KNOW what they're saying.

L: Don't they use subtitles or a translator like most foreigners?

P: Man, we're in South America. They Speak spanish here.

L: I thought They spoke Portugese in Brazil?

P: We're in Paraguay. this week. Brazil is Sunday. Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm really not understanding these verbs. It's all Greek to me.

L: Man, if it WAS Greek, My Uncle Nicky could translate it for us.

P: This is making me hungry. Let's go to Ric's for a sandwich

L: You eat way too much of that stuff. Why don;t you look up the spanish word for indigestion while you eat.

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland is WALKING~! and checks out the lineup thumbtacked on GM the Rick's door. Confused, he knocks*

GMtR: *watches Giambi take the collar for the third straight game* God Dammit...WHAT?

DM: Boss?

GMtR: Uh, oh, Hi...I'm just watching this roided out freak strike out 4 times in a row for $18 million a year.

DM: Ummmmm....k. *whispers* "Go Sox"

GMtR: What was that?

DM: Never mind, never mind...

GMtR: OK, so to what do I owe this annoyance?

DM: Well, boss, I mean, I was looking at your idea, and...It's a great idea actually, but...A tag match? I've never *had* a tag match.

GMtR: Seriously?

DM: Seriously.

GMtR: Well, I suggest you go find Attitude Adjuster and Phantos and get some tips from them. They're both pretty much tag specialists at this point.

DM: Yeah, umm, that's the other thing...

GMtR: What's that?

DM: Umm, I don't remember ever TALKING to anyone else, except for Chris Cole, and that's usually like "I hate you, I'm gonna kill you" stuff like that.

GMtR: Was there a point somewhere, or are you just sandifying my vagina here?

DM: No no boss, not trying to umm 'sandify your vagina', but these people all think Im still crazy and whatnot.

GMtR: Ok, you've been back here about a month now, so I think you need to drop your "intense loner" deal and actually talk to someone other than Naitch.

RF: Cause I'M the NAITCHA BOY! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

GMtR: Ric, out. Get me a sandwich.

RF: WHOOOOOOO Meat PILIN and PROOOO- FILIN'!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!

DM: Ok, I get your point boss...I just hope we can all work together.

GMtR: Well, I suggest you go and find them, and you guys probably can strategerize something. At least, I would do that.

DM: Stra-teg-er...never mind. Ok, I'm leaving. Thanks boss.

GMtR: Don't mention it...And Davin?

DM: What?

GMtR: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!!

DM: Uhh, ok.

*Moreland shakes his head at the probable bi-polaration that just took place in GM the Rick's office. He saunters off in search of Phantos and/or Attitude Adjuster to discuss...strategeri...whatever*

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

<Davin walks out of the hall and walks right into Moosehead Jack>

DM: Moose

MHJ: Moreland

DM: I suppose you are going to attack me

MHJ: Why would I do that?

DM: Aren't you and Cole aligned or something?

MHJ: You've been away for awhile haven't you

DM: Yeah, I was in the hospital, you mean, you didn't notice?

MHJ: Why would I?

DM: Well before I got hurt I was a rising star!

MHJ: You were? I seem to recall you coming in, doing well, then I pretty much lost track of you

DM: FINE! Look, you are not on my team next week right?

MHJ: No, you have Harris, Firechild, Dawg, AA and Phantos

DM: How do you know that off of the top of your head?

MHJ: It pays to know stuff, I like to know where my enemies are

DM: So you consider me an enemy then

MHJ: Are you breathing?

DM: You know, I WOULD like a shot at that Intercontinental title

MHJ: You want a shot at my title?

DM: <suddenly looking around nervously> Well yeah

MHJ: There's one way to get a title shot against me

DM: and that is?

MHJ: Take out Crete

DM: So all I have to do is.....wait, you want me to attack Concrete TG?

MHJ: How bad do you want a shot at this?

<Jack turns to walk away and sees Firechild standing behind him>

MHJ: What do you want?

FC: You're going to burn Moose

MHJ: That again? I told you, you can't beat me

FC:<glaring at Moose, very evenly and very calmly> You're wrong about that Jack. Bloodlust drives you, it consumes you not me. I am not going to let you get into my head. I am going to beat you bloody using any means necessary. I am going to beat you from one side of the ring to the other. And when I am done, I am going to pin you clean in the middle of the ring. You know why Jack? Because I know that will piss you off more than anything else. You will have no excuses, nothing to blame, you are going to get beat. And I am not doing it because of a lust for gold, I am not doing it for the money or the fame. I am doing it, just to piss you off.

<Firechild turns and walks away leaving Jack snarling in anger>

DM: Wow, that was a good promo! You gonna take tha......

<Jack wheels around and NAILS Moreland with a heartpunch sending him hard into the wall. Moreland slowly slides down the wall grimacing in pain as Jack walks away>

DM: Ok then......<wheeze>.......I'll uh......<cough>......I'll get back yo you.......<gasp>.....on that whole Concrete thing........<ow>

[mooseheadjack]

*Canadian Dragon is sitting in the Weapon X locker room when Moosehead Jack enters*

MHJ: "Dragon, I need to talk to you about your match this week."

CD: "Jack...is Crete still champ?"

MHJ: "You better have a point, or I will break your neck."

CD: "You wouldn't be the first to try Jack. But see, the longer me and LD hold these titles...the longer Crete will hold his. With UnderDawg being a failure, and you...well with you holding your precious IC title...well, I'm starting to think that if LD or I don't go after Crete, then the OOWF title will remain a joke."

MHJ: "You skating on thin ice Dragon. I have plans for Crete...you know that."

CD: "Like you had plans for us? Remember the five men, five agenda crap? Remember you coming to LD and begging him to convince me to join your group? Well I do...and the reason I signed up was to keep the belt off of worthless pieces of crap like Crete. And I'm starting to wonder if it was worth it..."

MHJ: "Oh it was worth it, tr.."

CD: "Trust you? I'd rather not Jack. But tell you what...if some team is ever lucky enough to beat Weapon X, and Crete won't give me a shot at his title...I'll do you a favour of taking the IC belt off your hands so that you can focus on Crete and the World title. How does that sound?"

*Dragon leaves as Moose looks on in anger.*

[mooseheadjack]

*Canadian Dragon walks out of the locker room right into Stank!*

CD - Out of my way!

*Stank makes a grand gesture of stepping aside all the while with a smirk on his face. Dragon continues to walk on by as Stank enters the locker room.*

MHJ - Stank.

Stank - Moose.

MHJ - Is this a social visit or did you have something on your mind?

Stank - Actually... I was looking for Williams.

MHJ - He's not here.

Stank - Dissension in the ranks?

MHJ - What? No. LD is simply not here.

Stank - I meant Dragon. He seemed... upset.

MHJ - He's always pissed these days.

Stank - I trust you can keep your men in line.

MHJ - First, he's not my man. Second, Even if he were, that would be none of YOUR concern. Now, if there's nothing else...

Stank - Actually there is.

MHJ - I'm listening.

Stank - I caught your little convo with Firechild and Moreland.

MHJ - So...

Stank - When I first approached you about... taking your title...

MHJ - As if you could.

Stank - My thinking was very much along the same lines as Flameboy.

MHJ - I figured as much.

Stank - You're just lucky I had bigger fish to fry.

MHJ - Hmmph.

Stank - After we've destroyed the Heroes Guild... you and I... we've got... unfinished business.

*Mooseheadjack smirks.*

MHJ - Let's just hope that unfinished business involves the World Title. Assuming you can take it from Crete, of course.

Stank - Oh I'll...

*Before Stank can finish, UNDERDAWG appears in a cloud of smoke. He glances at Moose then glares at Stank.*

UD - Your talk of championship gold is premature Stank. You will have to survive past Mayhem to get your shot at the title. In case you have forgotten, you and I will be on opposite sides in a tag match.

Stank - I haven't forgotten. I also noticed you'll be tagging with the enemy and against your faction buddy and my partner LD Williams.

UD - Firechild does not concern me. LD Williams does not concern me. Least of all... you.

*Stank mouths the word "least"*

UD - The ONLY thing that draws my interest is taking the prize. It is the key to my regaining the World Title. It matters not WHO I have to go through to get it. All you need to know is that you will

Rest.

In.

Grease.


Stank - ...

UD - ...

MHJ - ...

Stank - What does that even mean? Moose you better talk to your boy.

*Stank turns and walks out the locker room.*

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris is standing tall in his room of weaponry; he's actually perched on top of a thumbtack-filled cube of class. He's got a plastic bag in his hand. We pan back and see Firechild, Attitude Adjuster, Moreland, and Phantos all precariously and annoyingly scattered around the room, avoiding the weapons.*

HH: Okay. Thanks for coming. First of all, I want everyone to help themselves to the lemonade and donut holes back there on the banquet table. But please be careful; I plan on going through that table sometime, so gingerly pour yourselves a glass and remember to take a coaster. I don't want you guys getting stains on my stop signs and cookie sheets.

Firechild: Yeah, yeah. Why did you call us all here?

AA: And where are the sandwiches? You couldn't even get this thing catered by a guy who wanders around the OOWF with a deli cart?

HH: You've already eaten 15 donut holes.

AA: Yeah, and I've got one left...

*Underdawg POOFS in out of nowhere and takes the last donut hole from Attitude Adjuster's hand.*

HH: Okay, now that we're all here, I just want to say "Hi" to everyone I haven't talked to yet since I've been back.

Davin Moreland: HI!

HH: Anyway, I know some of us have had some past differences--you know, me always winning matches against you and such--but I want to know that it's an honor to be your team captain.

All: CAPTAIN?

HH: Well, yeah. The way I figure, my name is at the top of our team's list. I'm sure Concrete is a captain. Moosehead Jack is probably a captain, since he thinks he's the boss of everything. Capellan's a captain because he made up the Ultimate Punjabi Prison X Triple Scaffold Match. By the way, Attitude: I feel sorry for you!

*AA scowls, more so because he's hungry than what Hardbody said*

HH: Anyway, I think I'm also Captain because I get three points if I win my match. If all you guys win your matches, you only get three points combined. That means it takes all of you to equal me!

UD: You better get to your point, Harris, before I Fireplug Drive you through that glass.

HH: That's what it's here for! But I don't want any animosity today. I want all of us to win our matches, then we can have our sweet battle royal! I think we all have some folks we'd like to beat up on. Besides, we all have something to gain. Specifically, you, Firechild. I know you want gold. We all want gold. Gold makes us popular. Concrete has gold. Nayr the Fucking Paladin now has gold after pinning Spin Hansen to win MY belt. Real heroes have gold.

Firechild (shifting his weight): What are you implying?

HH: Well, I'm the last one to get my hands on Moosehead Jack before the PPV. And if I win my match, and everyone else wins their matches, we'll get to have the Battle Royale. Think of it as an insurance policy!

Underdawg: My time is valuable. What's in the bag?

HH: Great! I thought you'd never ask. I think we need to be uniform, a team. So I brought all of us a gift. Ready...here it is!

*Hardbody throw everyone a white rubber bracelet*

HH: Go ahead, put 'em on!

Attitude: These say "Team Hardbody"

HH: Yep! Oh, shoot. Phantos, I forgot you were on the team. You didn't get one, did you? That's okay. I'm going to go into my closet, WHICH HAS A LOT OF WEAPONS. Then I'm going to close the door. Good thing THERE IS A SINGLE LIGHT BULB IN THERE. Then I'll get you, Phantos, a bracelet. Then we'll be good to go for our matches, like MY MATCH AGAINST MOOSEHEAD JACK. Okay?

*HH hops down and heads for the closet door*

HH: If I'm not out soon, just go ahead and finish off the snacks. Attitude, if you look under the table there's a special and delicious treat for you. GO TEAM HARDBODY!

[mooseheadjack]

<SFJ13 is wandering aimlessly down the hall when she comes across Moosehead Jack>

SFJ13: Moose?

MHJ: What?

SFJ13: I'm surprised to see you here!

MHJ: Care to elaborate on that?

SFJ13: Well Hardbody Harris just cut a promo in his Room of Many Weapons, I think he is expecting you to attack him.

MHJ: He is? Why?

SFJ13: Well, you two DO have a match this week.

MHJ: Fine, let me go see what the hell is going on

<Moose leaves and heads to Hardbody Harris Room of Many Weapons. Jack walks into the room and sees Firechild, Underdawg, Attitude Adjuster, Davin Moreland and Phantos. Jack glares at Firechild and walks up to Underdawg>

MHJ: What's going on?

UD: What are you doing out here?

MHJ: Where else would I be?

UD: Well, according to the noise coming from the closet, you should be in there kicking the crap out of Harris.

<The camera pans over to the closet and we hear banging and Hardbody Harris yelling "DEAR GOD NO!! This is the worst beating since Dusty Rhodes took on the Road Warriors by himself!! Only a TRUE face could take a beating this bad and still lead his team! Oh My God!! Are those jumper cables!! How will Hardbody ever fight out of this!!!>

MHJ: What the hell is wrong with him?

UD: I think someone slipped something into his lemonade

<Jack walks over to the closet and pulls the door open to reveal Hardbody Harris sitting on a chair yelling with various weapons of destruction around him used for sound effect. Harris opens his eyes and sees Moose standing there>

HH: MOOSE! Uh.....awkward!

<Jack slams the door behind him and attacks Harris this time the crashes appear to be real, and Harris' screams are a bit more believable. "AAAAGGH HOLY SHIT, THAT HURTS!! TEAM HARDBODY SAVE YOUR LEADER!!!! ACK HRUMPH -thud>

The room gets quiet and in a moment Jack walks out of the closet with bloody hands, Jack stops by UD

MHJ: I figure if he is going to pretend I am beating his ass, might as well cash in on the real thing

UD: Good plan

[mooseheadjack]

(Phantos sits back, listening to the muffled whimpers of Hardbody Harris after his beating at the hands of MooseHeadJack.)

Phanots: (Looking around at the others in the room) Should we go check on him?

(noone moves or responds)

(Phantos walks to the closet door)

P:Hey man, are you coming out?

(listens to HH moan a little)

P: I guess I'm not getting my bracelet.

[mooseheadjack]

After the “Team Hardbody” meeting, Attitude Adjuster takes aside Phantos and Davin Moreland.

AA: We’re in a six-man tag team match this week against Knife, Outback Jack & El Voltaje at this week’s Midweek Mayhem in Horqueta, Paraguay for a chance to be in a battle royal to win the purposely vague “Winner Gets to Choose Their Own Match and Opponent.” So what did you just learn?

DM: Not much. I already knew that.

AA shakes his head in shame.

AA: Phantos?

PH: That I already want to kick your ass?

AA: I doubt that. OK, see what I did up there? I explained to the audience who we’re facing, when, where and why. That is the start of at last a four-star promo! And this is why you guys are curtain jerkers and *I*--along with Johnny Adrenaline—are the No. 1 PROMO TEAM IN THE OOWF and the next OOWF tag team champions.

PH: This is ridiculous.

Suddenly, AA’s phone rings. AA looks at the phone number and sighs.

AA: Hang on a second. (Into phone): Hello? I’m kinda busy right now…Right now? Why? We can’t do that in 15 minutes? Why? Because I’m cutting a promo! No, the promo can’t wait. What? But… But…Yeah, I know…OK, I’ll call you back in just a minute.

AA sees Moreland and Phantos staring at him.

AA: Oh, like you don’t have a wife. Just give me 30 minutes.

*** (30 minutes later.) ***

AA: OK, let’s start from the top. (Clears throat.) And this is why you guys are curtain jerkers and *I*--along with Johnny Adrenaline—are the No. 1 PROMO TEAM IN THE OOWF and the next OOWF tag team champions.

PH (with obvious sarcasm): This is REALLY ridiculous.

AA: See, the thing is you guys got to get noticed. That’s why you’re in this tag match with me. I’m here to give you guys what we call in the business, “the rub.” So here’s what I need you guys to do. First, develop a character. Moreland, this whole “I ain’t your bitch anymore” is going to be dated soon. You can't run around five years from now still recycling the fact that you use to be a whack-job. And Phantos. I’m not even sure what you are. You’re like Shark Boy, except he’s funny.

Moreland and Phantos look ready to beat AA, but for some reason don’t.

AA: So here’s the five key rules to heel tag team wrestling. You guys are heels, right?

DM: Not any more!

PH: I’m not sure.

AA: Shit! Ok, I need to re-arrange the rules then. Rule No. 1: I stand on the outside and let you guys do all the work. I’m a Chickenshit Heel, after all. Plus it gives you guys the chance to show off your workrate. You do have workrate, right? Whatever…

Rule No. 2: Only tag me in when we have the advantage. I’ll get in a few cheap shots, then tag out to one of you once the other team fights back. Especially tag me in when that Voltage guy is in the ring. He stole our masked guy gimmick, and so I’m feuding with him.

Rule No. 3: This is kinda like Rule 2A, but roll with it. Once during the course of the match, tag me in when I‘m not looking. It would be best when Voltage is in the ring. That way he can have a chance to beat on me. But, of course, being a heel, I’ll run from the ring and eventually tag in one of you guys, to keep the feud at a slow burn.

Rule No. 4: Make fake tags. The “hand-clap in the middle of the ring” thing always works for heels. Just try it—it’s fun! And whatever you do, don’t run into the ring when your partner is getting beat up. The ref always catches that, sends you back to your corner and your partner gets beat up more. Besides, that’s a face thing.

DM: Look, I appreciate your talents and advice and all, but I’m a face. This just doesn’t work for me.

PH: This is STILL ridiculous.

AA: OK, fine then. Have it your way. Rule No. 5: At one point in the match one of you guys will need to make a tag. I’ll reach my hand out, then pull it back at the last second, jump off the ring apron and walk off. The guy who needs the tag will probably get pinned, but at least you’ll get a rub from me and maybe a feud for a couple weeks. And if you try to come after me, Johnny will come from the back and clobber you with a chair.

DM: So you have no intentions of winning this match?

AA: Not if you guys are going to work as faces. Besides, I don’t need to win matches. Johnny does that. Which leads me to Rule No. 6.

DM and PH: Rule No. 6?

AA: Rule No. 6: Watch your backs.

And with that, Johnny Adrenaline clobbers both Phantos and Moreland from behind with a driver, knocking them both to the ground.

AA: Ah, the old golf club is back. Nice work, Johnny.

JA: Just getting ready for our OOWF World Tag Team Ultimate Punjabi Prison X Triple Scaffold Weapons on a Pole Match against Weapon X and Capellan & Viper at the OOWF Bloodbath in Paradise PPV in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil this Sunday, July 29.

AA: And that’s how you cut a promo!

[mooseheadjack]

[El Voltaje approaches Outback Jack.]

El Voltaje: ¡Excelente! Otro australiano a team con esta semana. Vayamos y la bebida Fosters, Victoria Bitter y Crown Lager mientras que lleva en batea koalas.

Outback Jack: Uh...g'day. You aren't Australian though.

El Voltaje: ¡Por supuesto estoy! Puedo agregar colloqualisms australianos al azar como cobber en el centro de las oraciones que no tienen absolutamente ninguin sentido. ¡Soy claramente australiano!

Outback Jack: Did you say Victoria Bitter?

El Voltaje: Si.

OBJ: Alright, let's do this.

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris crawls out of the closet (NOT IN THE GAY WAY!). Blood trickles from his forehead, and he uses that to make a crude slip and slide as he maneuvers his way through the room of weaponry. His face is puffing out as he finds Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline stomping on Phantos and Moreland.*

HH: HEY! CUT IT OUT!

AA: How are you doing, "Captain"?

HH: Why are you still stomping on them? They're your tag partners. Plus, everyone knows you're a heel!

AA: What do you care? You didn't even give this poor sap a bracelet.

HH: That's true. Eve--HEY! You're not even wearing yours!

JA: Hmm. Y'know, Hardbody, he may have lost it when your Trophy Treehouse fell down.

AA: What? That was almost two years ago. Continuity, brotha!

JA: Oh, right.

HH: Look. First, Johnny, that golf club belongs in here. Don't pretend like it's your own and leave. Second, AA: heel up your match all you want. But if you don't get in the battle royal, you won't be able to be in any cool spots.

AA (stomps on Phantos one more time): What do you mean?

HH: Well, I figure if we have this battle royal, a few things are going to happen. One, you might get to do another promo. Two, there will surely be a spot where you'll get to rest in the corner under the turnbuckle so you don't get tossed out. Everyone hates when wrestlers do that.

AA: True. I'm listening.

HH: At one point, we're all going to gang up on Underdawg and try to throw him out, but then he'll crouch down and EXPLODE out of it, sending all five of us flying. Then you can run at him, he can put you in a gorilla press, but not throw you out to eliminate you.

JA: Ooh, I love that spot! You should do it.

HH: Also, I want to be a super-face again. So I figure, in the battle royal, that you could backbody drop me over the ropes and then turn around without checking to see if I hit the ground. I'll skin the cat and flip back in. Then you'll point at your head, saying "Ha ha! I'm smart!" Then I'll tap you on the shoulder, I'll turn you around, and throw you head first out of the ring. I'll be cheered. you'll get to be in a classic battle royale sequence, and everyone goes home happy.

AA: That does sound pretty sweet. I'm kind of conflicted.

HH: Well, think about it. I'm going to pass out for awhile.

*AA and JA leave. JA takes the golf club like a douchebag.*

[mooseheadjack]

Outside The Rick's Office

The camera is focused on tonight's lineup.

a shadow falls across the door.

We hear, "well, this'll be all kinds of fun....."

the camera turns to see JW Westgaard walking away towards the locker room.

[mooseheadjack]

(Then, JW walks into El Ecosistema.)

Eco: Pardon, senor.

JW: no problem...

Eco: Ay! Eres JW Westgaard, mi amigo (con Chris Cole) para el partido contra Johnny Adrenaline, Kenji & Lucios?

JW: i don't understand you...

Eco: Ay! Lo siento!

(Eco turns on his magic translator)

Eco: *Say! Are you JW Westgaard, my partner (with Chris Cole) for the match against Johnny Adrenaline, Kenji & Lucios?*

JW: yeah. i am....

Eco: *Great! Let's go find Chris Cole! He's the veteran after all.*

JW: sure....

Eco: *Clap these.*

JW: Okay...

(Eco hands JW Westgaard two coconut halves. Eco pretends to gallop along on a horse as JW claps them together following.)



Eco: Ay, caballo!

JW: eh?

Eco: Chris Cole estuvo el victima de un ataque! Esta herido!!!

JW: huh?

Eco: Llame a una ambulanica!!

JW: Translator...

Eco: (turns the translator on) *Sorry. Call an ambulance!*

Cole: (sitting up) It's okay, guys. I'm fine.

Eco: *Hurry! He's delusional!*

Cole: It's just a coffee table.

JW: Will he need a defibrillator?

Eco: *Good thinking.*

(JW runs off.)

Cole: (looking around) I could have sworn I had a belt earlier...

[mooseheadjack]

**Stank finds L.D. Williams wandering the hallways.**

S: “Williams.”

LD: “Stank.”

S: “Look, I know we’ve had our differences, but this week-”

LD: “Save your breath. Wednesday, it’s about winning. You forget about how Dragon and I won the belts, and I’ll forget about you recruiting Jack when he’s supposed to have my back.”

S: “Fair enough. What about Underdawg? He’s supposed to be your teammate too.”

LD: “Yeah, he sure acts like it don’t he? You take of the hero wannabe, I’ll handle ‘Dawg.”

S: “What about your alliance?”

LD: “Nothing lasts forever. The way things are going around here, there are two people in the OOWF I can trust, and ‘Dawg isn’t one of them. Neither are you.”

S: “Wednesday night I am…at least until the end of the tag match. Tr-”

LD: “Don’t.”

**Williams turns and walks away as Stank shakes his head, chuckling.**

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland stands up on one of the benches in the "Team Hardbody" locker room, getting the attention of Hardbody Harris, Underdawg, Firechild, Phantos, and Attitude Adjuster. Johnny Adrenaline is also there with a golf club*

DM: OK, Goddammit ENOUGH!

*All turn to look in shock as the normally mute Moreland actually looks to speak*

DM: Johnny leave.

JA: But...

DM: SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHNNY! LEAVE!

*JA leaves. Firechild leaves to use the restroom. AA shakes his head at the shameless plug of a tagline*

DM: Alright. I assume everyone wants to win here...Am I right?

*Everyone nods in agreement*

DM: Ok, I know this is tough, and I have NO experience in doing this, but we might have to give a little of ourselves to make this team work.

*AA motions to speak, but is cut off*

DM: NO! Dammit LISTEN! We're a mix of personalities and "factions" if you weeeeeeel...

*Everyone groans in embarassment*

DM: Ok fine. Here's the thing. If we want to be successful and TAKE this thing, we might have to drop our "Chickenshit Heel" or "Superface" personas for this...

HH: Uh-uh...No Way, I am the NUMBER ONE FACE IN THE OOWF~! Will SOMEONE please hit me with a chair?

DM: Harris, you've held as much gold in the company as anyone else, and believe me...WINNING makes you more of a face than being randomly attacked. I thought you would know this...

HH: I...I'm not so sure I buy that.

DM: Ok, ok, hear me out. This is what I was thinking. Ok, Underdawg?

UD: *nipping at a flea on his back* Yeah?

DM: You just...Go be a badass.

UD: That's what I do best! *disappears in a cloud of smoke*

DM: That's so cool. Ok, Harris?

HH: *playing with a singapore cane* Yeah?

DM: Consider, just consider that WINNING the match will do more for your facedom than anything else. If you focus on THAT, WINNING. I can guarantee you'll be the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF~! and the fans will love you again.

HH: Well...I'll think about it. I need a sandwich. *drops the cane and wanders to Flair's Sandwich Shop*

DM: *sits down on the bench and lowers his voice a little* Ok, Attitude, Phantos, you guys are the tag team specialists, so I'm going to defer to your experience. Attitude, I've watched 100 of your matches with Adrenaline. Can you really guarantee that we can WIN this match.

AA: Well, no. I mean, I'm a chickenshit heel. I don't necessarily win these things...

DM: Ok, well tell me. Hypothetically, how would a heel team win this?

AA: Well, hypothetically, if we could get a guy or prefereably 2 injured or out of comission near the end game...

*Everyone looks around. Ninja Cameraman shrugs his shoulders and whispers "Too late now"*

AA: Anyway, we take 2 guys completely out near end game, and make them powder out for the duration, we could go 2 or 3 on 1, and easily get a win.

DM: Ok. And we NEED a clean pinfall here. I think it would send a message to the other teams...

AA: Clean...Pin...What is this 'Clean Pinfall' of which you speak.

DM: I mean, 1,2,3 in the center of the ring. No doubts, no questions.

AA: Well, I guess it MIGHT work out that way... *twirls a Lob Wedge*

DM: Phantos, how would YOU approach this, Your team's been pretty successful.

P: Well, pretty much the exact opposite as Attitude would...Try as hard as we can, and let the better team win.

DM: Ok, that's pretty much what I'd thought you'd say. Ok, Attitude...Fake tags...double/triple teaming...distract the ref...weapons under the ring...That's how you'd play this?

AA: Yup. Steel Steps, ringposts, the bell, any belts lying around, microphones...yeah...anything available to get the job done.

DM: Ok, will you work for a clean pinfall??

AA: Ummm...I can try, but what's in it for me? What are YOU gonna do?

DM: Well, I'd be willing to turn heel for this match, if for no other reason than to make us a more cohesive unit...

AA: What about superfreak over here?

P: What's that supposed to mean?

DM: It means, no shark boy crap. No good guy underdog crap. Just intensity and win at any cost.

P: Win at...any...Gee, I dunno...

DM: Ok. If you wuss out here, we're sunk. We've never tagged together, and I've never tagged at all. AA couldn't be a face if he tried. You don't HAVE a personality on your own. You can do this...

P: Well...I'll try...I guess...I'll have to check...

DM: Ok. No checking. You've gotta man up and just DO this.

P: I'll do what I can.

DM: Fair enough. Ok, well...Someone other than me should come up with a name. I'm terrible with that crap...

AA&P: We Know...we know..

DM: Ok...Let's hit the ring!

AA: Hit the...

DM: Dude, it's called practice. We have to have SOME idea as to what we all can do before we go out there.

AA: Fine. I'll try it.

DM: That's all we can do is try it. Let's just call this a temporary alliance, just so we're all on the same page. We'll work up to that...but for now? We gotta practice. C'mon...

*All 3 leave to the ring to a song that sounds eerily similar to the music to The World's Greatest Tag Team...but definitely not that, because that would be copyright infringement.*

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris walks past Knife, El Voltaje, and Outback Jack, who are working on their Spanglishstralian communication skills. Suddenly Outback Jack rushes up behind Harris and slaps the back of Hardbody's head.*

HH: I'm being attacked! By my team's opponents! *staggers, with wobbly knees, selling big-time* No doubt they're going to hit me with tag team violence! Any moment now! While I'm still dazed! And vulnerable! *staggers some more*

OBJ belches.

Knife: He said he wasn't attacking you. He saw that a bee was about to sting you.

Volt: Si, Senor Harris.

*Hardbody appears not to have paid attention, as he staggers over to Flair's sandwich shop, throws a few punches at the air, and Flair-flops into the table of condiments*

[mooseheadjack]

***continued from OBJ's promo***

Flair flops onto the table of condiments, spraying Donovan Viper with mustard and relish.

DV: What. The. FUCK?!?!?

HH: OMG it's the SWAMP THING! It's attacking me!

Viper breathes in deep, in an attempt to cool his temper...

HH: DO YOU HEAR THAT? He's breathing menacingly at me! Like a lion ready to attack his prey!

DV (shaking his head): Dammit... my sandwich is ruined and I have to go shower again...

Viper wipes the mustard and relish of his chest and brow and flings it at Hardbody and walks away in disgust. It lands on Harris' face.


HH: AGGGH! SWAMP THING ATTACKED ME WITH HIS SWAMPINESS! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!!!! THAT VILLAIN!!!

------


****later...****

A shower turns off. We hear someone say... "But Swamp Thing was a hero..." The shower door opens, and Viper walks out. There to greet him is OOWF Superhero and World Champion Concrete TG and other superhero Nayr.

CTG: Greetings citizen Viper!

DV: Holy shit, man! Let me put on a towel!

CTG: We've got no time for that right now. We need to talk strategy!

Nayr: Please, let him put on a towel... I really didn't need to know that he shaves... down there...

DV: Why are you looking at me down there?

Nayr: No! Hey, wait! , it's not... come on, it was just hanging out there, all clean cut and such.

DV: It gets in the way.

CTG: That is a heroic thing to do, keeping your body parts trimmed and neat.

Nayr: That's just gross....

DV: No, having a big bushel of hair down there is gross, I mean, what if a girl decides...

CTG: Now, now, now. This is a family program. We will not have talk about sexual innuendo on this show. We must remain good role models after all.

Nayr: Like families want to see Viper's shlong on TV? Put on a towel, man!

CTG: There's no time. Listen. I've got a match against your tag team partner, Capellan, and you've got a match along side my trusty companion, Nayr. But I also know that you have admitted that you are not a team player, and that you're a foul-tempered individual. I want to make sure that you're going to be part of the team.

DV: Sure. I want to win.

CTG: So I won't expect shennanegans when I fight against your partner?

DV: Cap and I already discussed this. During this tourney, we're not teammates. When this tourney ends, we go back to where we were.

CTG: And I can trust you to fight alongside Nayr?

DV: Nayr's a tough kid. We fought each other in the ring, and I know what to do against Spin and Dragon. I've fought them countless times.

Nayr: As long as you do it with pants on, I'm cool. Concrete, give him back his towel.

CTG: Shush, young hero. We're wasting time. Now what about your friend LD Williams? He and Capellan are on the same team. Williams is an evildoer, but yet, you are his friend. How will I know he won't try to tip the scales of justice for your teammate against my match?

DV: How about this? If he does come out in your match, I'll come out as an equalizer.

Nayr: That sounds fishy.

CTG: It does indeed.... (strokes chin) Hmm.... (strokes chin some more)

Nayr: Hey Viper, I think we have time to get you a towel no...

CTG: SHHHH! I'm pondering... Ok, Viper. While I should know better than to trust a snake I will take you up on that offer. If LD Williams does come out to interfere, which seems unlikely, you may come out to keep shennanegans from occuring.

Nayr: Speaking about snakes...

CTG: I must leave now, Nayr. You two can discuss your tag team strategy while I eat a Hero Sandwich!

Concrete leaves. Nayr stands there befuddled, as does Viper, who is still naked and dripping wet.

Nayr and DV: Towel. (Nayr hands Viper a towel, Viper finally covers his unmentionables)

DV: I gotta ask, man. What's the deal with your name?

Nayr: What about it?

DV: Dude, Nair's the shit I put on my balls to keep the hair off.

Nayr: Eeew, TMI!

DV: I'm serious!

El Voltaje: HAHA! Viper pone Nayr El Luchador Corto en sus cajones! *POP* AY! ¡Ese daño!

[mooseheadjack]

<Moosehead Jack finds Spin Hansen at the bar. Jack walks up, sits next to Spin and orders a drink>

MHJ: So

SH: So

MHJ: Looks like we are on the same team for this GM the Rick nonsense this week

SH: Nonsense?

MHJ: Come on, this whole thing is a sham. We, me, you and Stank, should be fighting Crete and those idiot Heroes, not wasting time in this.

SH: When we win though, we have Rick in our pocket right?

MHJ:<pondering for a moment> I like the way you are thinking Spin.

SH: So what about this team of ours. Canadian Dragon appears to hate you.

MHJ: That he does

SH: What the hell did you do to him?

MHJ: Hell if I know, I didn't kiss his ass or something when him and Williams started teaming, truth is, I don't trust him. He is a weaselly little bastard.

SH: Great, he is my partner against Viper and Nayr

MHJ: I wouldn't worry about it, he may be weaselly, but he wants to win. He knows that if he wins, that is a blank check to have a ladder match against Crete.

SH: Fair enough, what about Adrenaline?

MHJ: Same thing, he wants to win so he and AA can have another whatever on a pole match. He is a snake though, so I would worry about him during the battle royal

SH: And Lucios and Kenji?

MHJ: Hell if I know. They both have their own agendas, and I don't know a whole hell of a lot about them. On one hand, this is a golden opportunity for them, on the other, this is a chance for them to make their mark by taking someone out. Of course, that would be Adrenaline, so that doesn't concern us, except that it might cost us a shot at the battle royal

SH: Yeah, I'll see if I can find them and give them a little pep talk before the match.

MHJ:<downing his drink> ok I gotta go, gotta see someone about my match with Firechild in Rio

<Jack gets up and walks out of the bar. A minute later a shady looking figure gets up and trails Jack out of the building>

[mooseheadjack]

Lucios: So.

Kenji: So.

Lucious: Uhmm.

Kenji: Yes?

Lucious: So, uh, what do you do for fun?

Kenji: Right now I am teaming with a former religious zealot against a possibly mad possible Biogeneticist who has been experimenting on himself and his possibly Illuminati partner. They have brought two former wrestlers into their stable and altered them with some sort if unknown compound. Along the way we have talked with the Greek God Zeus, partnered with Spartans and been attacked by hit men from various action movies.

Lucious: Wow. Does that happen often around here?

Kenji: Not really. My adventures are fairly tame compared to some things that have happened around here.

Lucious: Oh. So, uh, what do you think will happen in our match.

Kenji: Our team includes MHJ, Spin, and JA. This does not bode well for us.

MHJ: [appearing from nowhere] What’s the matter, Kenji? Don’t you trust me?

Kenji: Not really, no.

MHJ: [Throws back his head and laughs] Smart man.

Knife: [after watching the multiple Harris promos] Wow. I should be thankful I’m not on his team. With him they don’t stand a chance.

Concrete: Hail, citizen!

Knife: Huh?

Concrete: I said, “Hail, citizen!”

Knife: Citizen of what?

Concrete:?

Knife: I’m a US citizen, but we’re in South America. Shouldn’t it be “Hail foreigner”?

Nayr: Dude, I’m a citizen of the state of ROCK! [bops down the hallway playing an air guitar]

Concrete: Well….

Knife: And look at Viper. He’s definitely a citizen of the state of fairyland. *POP* Ow!

Viper: Stop saying I'm gay!

Knife: Stop denying it and come out of the closet already! How many other guys here cut promos while naked in front of other guys? Huh? Have you ever seen Moose's junk? No! OBJ? No! Me? No! But you? Hell, it seems like every other week you're prancing buck naked across the screen!

Viper: I don't have to take this from you!

Knife: Truth hurts, Nancy!

Viper: [Balls his fist, and the towel he's wearing falls down]

Knife: Blargh! See?

Viper: [pulls up towel] Damn it, I! AM! NOT! GAY!

Concrete: Fellow teammates! Stop fighting! We need to work together to win this week!

El Votaje: ¿quién es la hada? ¿Es él un Tinkerbell masculino?

Knife: Ha! Even the non-foreign guy sees it!

[mooseheadjack]

**Chris Cole is watching OOWF TV in his locker room when L.D. Williams enters.**

CC: “If you’re going to invite me to some ‘yay team’ meeting, forget it.”

LD: “Please. I just ducked in here to avoid Harris. He’s lying in the middle of the hall on a bed of nails, trying to convince people to step on him.”

CC: “I guess puncture wounds are heroic now.”

LD: “Apparently. You ready for your match?”

CC: “What’s to be ready for? I could beat all three of those guys in my sleep.”

LD: “Just don’t do anything stupid. I don’t want the team getting disqualified because you aggravate The Rick.”

CC: “I thought you were supposed to be feuding with The Rick too. What happened to that?”

LD: “Joys of the mid-card. If you ignore an angle, it just goes away.”

CC: “Yeah, well for those of us in the main event-”

LD: “HA!”

CC: “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

LD: “Dude, you’re feuding with Davin Moreland. Are there even people in the seats when you wrestle?”

**Cole lunges for Williams, who darts out of the room. Stank is waiting in the hallway.**

S: “Well?”

LD: “He’s motivated.”

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank walks up to the Destroyitarium and is met at the door by Spin Hansen*

Stank - S'up Spin?

Spin - SHHHH. Do you hear that?

Stank - What?

Spin - Somebody is in there.

Stank - Well don't just stand there...

*Stank opens the door and inside he spies JW Westguard and Capellan doing shots of Red Bull*

Stank - Well if it isn't wC-.

Spin - I didn't know we had Red Bull.

JWW - I found it behind the Jagermeister.

Stank - I didn't know we had Jager.

Spin - I had a bottle left over from that party... you know?

Stank - Oh yeah the one where that chick...

Spin - Yeah.

Stank - And that dude slipped and got that thing lodged up his...

Spin - Precisely.

Cap - What are you guys talking about?

Stank - Jagermeister.

Cap -...

JWW - ...

Stank - So... Westguard... welcome back.

JWW - Thanks.

Stank - Any particular reason you fellas trespassing in our locker room?

Cap - Well, as you know, we're all on the same team in this thing Rick has put together.

Spin - *Ahem*

Cap - Oh... well most of us.

Stank - That doesn't give you the righ-

*Stank is interrupted by Ecosistema falling out a nearby closet, followed by two chickens flailing their wings wildly, and what appears to be a drunk burro.*

Spin - ...

Stank - I don't EVEN WANT to know what you were doing in there.

Cap - How were you all able to fit?

Eco- Que?

Stank - Look at them. They obviously found our case of Mahou.

JWW - Well... it's nice to see things haven't changed much around here.

Stank - Guys. I know we're supposed to be a team and all but...

*A brick is tossed out of the seemingly empty closet and hits Ecosistema on the noggin, knocking him even more loopy.*

Stank - ... Spin.

Spin - Hell no. Don't put this on me. This is YOUR team. I'm out.

*Hansen leaves*

Cap - Where's Williams?

Stank - Guys. We don't have to hang out and discuss strategy. Just go out there and do what you do... unless you're a loser. If so... kindly do the opposite of that.

Cap - Break on three... 1,2,3 GO TEAM!

JWW - Nice pep talk Stank. You should consider doing seminars.

Stank - Don't think I haven't thought about it.

Eco - Donde estoy?

[mooseheadjack]

(Earlier that day).

Periodista Femenino Atractivo Numero Dos (we are in South America, after all) corners Capellan backstage.

"Capellan, you're the only man in singles competition tonight who has never held the World Heavyweight Title. How does that make you feel?"

"Lucky."

"Lucky?"

"Well, the draw was random ... and I got lucky enough to get a one-on-one with the World Champ. If I pin Crete (and I plan to), and he retains against Stank this weekend, then this little experiment of Rick's might net me a World Title shot."

"World Title? I thought you were focussed on the tag belts these days?"

"That has been my main focus, but I'd be a fool to ignore a perfect wave like this. I plan on riding it all the way to the gold."

"Any word on what your tag partner thinks about this?"

"Donnie? He -"

"So it's Donnie now?" a new voice breaks in.

"Birdy!" Cap turns to face JW Westgaard and offers his hand, "I saw you were back. We should catch up for a Red Bull."

Westgaard looks at Cap's hand for a long moment, then shakes it firmly.

"Good to see you too, Cap. Just don't ask me to be buddy buddy with your new tag partner. I've already seen more of him today than I ever wanted or needed."

"I know what you mean, man. And wouldn't that itch? I can see trimming, but shaving -"

"Cap, I really don't want to think about it."

"Fair call. So - how 'bout that Red Bull?"

"Can I take a rain check? I should find the other guys Rick's put me in this 6 man with and see if we can work out a plan."

"Good luck with that, dude. I don't think Ecosistema speaks English, and the other guy's Chris Cole ..."

"Yeah, I got my work cut out for me. Which is why I better get to it."

"Sure thing, dude. Catch you later?"

"... bound to."

JW heads off, and Capellan saunters away to get a case of Red Bulls for later.