<Archer, Lana, Mallory, Pam, Cyril, Cheryl and Ray are all walking through the halls of the arena>
Lana: Sooooooo, you gonna just admit you have no idea where you’re going?
Archer: Lana, I am perfectly aware of where I’m going
Pam: Yeah, in circles dicknuts
Archer: First, shut up, second, you don’t get to be the world’s greatest spy……
Lana: HA!
Archer: ……..without, again, shut up, knowing where you are at all times
Cyril: Ummmm I think we already passed this door
Mallory: Oh for God’s sake, how long are we going to wander around this place? A person could literally DIE down here and no one would find them
Archer: Mother, why are you even HERE?
Mallory: do you honestly think I would leave YOU TWO alone to do this mission?
Lana: What mission? We came here on some make believe Make a Wish mission, JUST so you could look for new décor for your office
Mallory: DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF UNSPEAKABLE THINGS HAVE GONE ON ON THAT OFFICE CARPET?
Archer: First of all, ewww. Second, we’re here
Lana: We’re where?
Archer: HERE Lana! If you would stop talking for ONE second, you would hear VOICES, and when you hear VOICES then you know you are around PEOPLE!
<while Archer is talking loudly, Banned From Everywhere opens the door to their locker room and stands there looking at them>
Lana: You just CAN’T not be a douchebag, can ya?
ABFD: Well, hell, you folks ain’t from around here is ya?
Mallory: Oh great, we are going to be murdered by a bunch of hillbillies. Ray, these are your people, maybe you can talk to them?
Ray: You know…………
Archer: OH MY GOD IS THAT A POLAR BEAR? LOOK! THEY HAVE A POLAR BEAR!
<Archer runs into the room and starts talking to Arctic McBearington>
EMFE: Hey folks, you must be lost…….you from that Make a Wish thing?
Cyril: Well, helllllllooooooo
Lana: Keep it in your pants Cyril
Mallory: Oh that’s just…….
EMFE: Come on in
<they all go in and look around, Cheryl freezes and her eyes get big>
Cheryl: It’s just like the gypsy lady said!
Pam: You REALLY need to stop going to that lady. So, Mudflaps, can a girl get a drink around here?
ABFD: Well hell yeah son! Gotta warn ya, this’ll put hair on yer chest
Pam: Already there
<Pam and Bill go over to the corner and Bill pulls the cover off a PCPL still>
Archer: HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A STILL!
ABFD: Yeah son, but this stuff will……..
<Archer ignores Bill and grabs a mason jar of PCPL and downs it, Bill just laughs>
ABFD: Outdamnstandener than hell son! Hope you didn’t have plans for……….ever
Archer: ugh…..oh my god……..what was in that? I can HEAR colors! This is the best……….
ABFD: And now for comes the blindness
Archer: ……….holy shit……..I CAN’T SEE! WHAT THE SHIT? Lana
Lana: ………
Archer: Lana
Lana: ………
Archer: LAAAANAAAAAAA
Lana: WHAT?
Archer: Just making sure you’re here. Can you get me another bottle of that……..what did you call it?
ABFD: Pine cone party likker
Archer: That. I need more of…………<Archer stumbles, then falls to the floor> zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Pam: Pussy. Ok truck nuts, now that the lightweight is out of the way, whaddya say, me and you, shot for shot
ABFD: Outdamnstandener than hell!
<while Pam and Bill down shots, we pan across the room where Arctic and Ray Gillette are standing by the bar>
AM: You want a drink?
Ray: Love one…….just not……..whatever the hell THAT was
AM: Appletini?
Ray: NOW you’re talkin!
Mallory: Ray, be a dear and mince your way over to the other side of the room and get my bags
Ray: You know………why do you even HAVE bags? This was supposed to be a ONE DAY trip
Mallory: Don’t get uppity with ME Missy! <cuddling up to Arctic> So…….whats a big strong bear like you doing here?
Ray: Not playing for your team, that’s for sure
Mallory: What was that?
Ray: Nothing!
<Cyril is standing with Ellie May trying to chat her up when Opus walks out from the back>
Opus: <eyes narrowing> El Contador!
Cyril: <eyes also narrowing> La Sombra!
Opus: ¡ mi amigo con gafas, por fin, por fin nos conocemos! (ah my bespectacled friend, we finally meet!)
Cyril: Seguramente no eres aún enojado por eso! (Surely, you are not still angry about that!)
Opus: usted y su pueblo en ISIS me costó uno de mis mejores hombres. Mi venganza será dulce! (you and your people in ISIS cost me one of my best men. My revenge will be sweet!)
Arctic: Wait…….ISIS?
Ray: No, not those douchebags. Bastards ruined our goo…….ruined our name
Krieger: <coming from the back> Ok…..so that should take care of……..oh
Mallory: KRIEGER? Do I even want to KNOW what kind of unspeakable things you were doing back there?
Krieger: ………..no?
Mallory: Well let me tell you mister, if ONE CENT of ISIS money was spent on whatever……….cyborg sex slave you were building………
Krieger:………aww chokey
Mallory: What?
Krieger: Nothing
<meanwhile Cheryl is standing in the middle of the room. Drunkey and Drunkette walk out from the back, and she gasps and drops her bag of LSD gummy bears. She freaks out a little bit, then Justin walks up to her and they stand and stare at one another. Cheryl raises her hand, and Justin does the same, she puts it down and raises her other hand, and Justin mirrors her. She turns her head and spits on the floor, and Justin does the same>
Cheryl: <gasping> You……..you must be Justin
Justin: <wide eyed> and…..you must be Cheryl
Both: JUST LIKE THE GYPSY SAID!
<they both cover their mouths and tremble>
Pam: Aw for shit’s sake! Anyone got some rubber cement around here?
Cheryl: PAM! This is serious!
Pam: Ok neckbone, I need you to get hold of yourself
Cheryl: YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!
Mallory: <looking at Ellie May> Do you SEE the level of incompetence I have to put up with around here?
EMFE: You have NO idea
Archer: <riding backward on Drunkey> WHOOOOOO LOOK I’M SAINT JOHN OF CAPISTRANO!
<everyone looks at him blankly>
Archer: Archer: Saint John of Capistrano! The Italian saint who rode through Perugia mounted backward on a donkey, wearing a paper miter on which his greatest sins were listed? Jesus people, read a book!
Mallory: See? Lana, do you think you could……
Lana: Nooooope
<Lana walks away>
Mallory: So. Much. Insolence!
EMFE: Well, I mean, you ARE the boss, right?
Mallory: You bet your sweet ass missy! But did you see the size of those hands? Freakishly huge……..
<Meanwhile over at the bar, Cyril and Opus have joined Pam and Awesome Bill>
Opus: Entonces, contador, déjame darte un trago <so, accountant, let me buy you a drink>
Pam: HOLY SHITSNACKS! Your penguin speaks Spanish!
ABFD: He done what now? Aw, that ol boy done jibberdy jabberdy all over the place! He done beatified ol Justin at UNO so many times, that that ol boy just signs his paychecks over to him…….
<across the room>
Justin: Cheryl, can I borrow five bucks?
Cheryl: What’s five bucks?
<back to the table>
Cyril: ¿Entonces, la sombra le gusta UNO? Quizás usted y yo debemos jugar un juego <So, the Shadow likes UNO, perhaps you and I should play a game>
Opus: Contador tonto! La sombra sólo juega para altas apuestas! ¿Qué podría tener para ofrecerme? <Foolish accountant! The Shadow only plays for high stakes! What could you possibly have to offer me?
Cyril: Dinero
Opus: <laughing> Ya soy un hombre de inmensa riqueza! ¿Qué necesitaría con tu dinero? <I am already a man of immense wealth! What would I need with your money?
Cyril: Olvides que puedo cocinar los libros. Puedo hacer algo que no puedes...Puedo hacer tus riquezas... legal! You forget, I can cook the books! I can do something you cannot…….I can make your wealth…….legal!
Opus: <suddenly very interested> sigue <continue>
Cyril: Si ganas, te acompañe y cocinar tus libros. Pero si gano, conseguir el 50% de todo lo que haces <If you win, I come with you and cook your books. But if I win, I get 50% of everything you make>
Opus: <eyes narrowing> Baraja las cartas de mi amigo <deal thee cards my friend>
<at the legit bar>
Arctic: So…….you seem to stick out a bit from this group, you are……….
Mallory: A flouncing Queen?
Ray: You know…….
Mallory: Actually Ray, aren’t these your people? I mean weren’t you raised in some god-forsaken backward hick town?
Ray: For your information, it was West Virginia and…….oh yeah…….right. Dukes.
Archer: <coming up to the bar> So, Bear-tender, how bout a drink?
Mallory: STERLING! Don’t you think you have had enough? You already drank a quart of that…….whatever that is
Archer: Mother, you forget who you are talking to
Mallory: <walking away> God how I wish I could……
Archer: OH THAT IS SO TYPICAL YOU MOTHER! Seriously, Bear-tender, about that drink
<across the room, Justin and Cheryl are sitting staring at one another>
Cheryl: And then she said “you will be surrounded by sweaty men who pretend to fight one another, and one of them will look deep into your eyes, take your hand, gently lay you down, run his fingers through your hair, then put his hands around your neck and choke…….the…….living…….SHIT……out…….of……you!
Justin: <eyes wide> she said the same thing to me!
<they both get wide eyed. Just then Alan Capps walks into the room, sports jacket over his shoulder. He puts one foot on the barstool and looks directly into the camera>
AC: As the master promoificater of the OOWF, I have seen and done it all. The promos I have done are legendary, so legendary in fact, that I had to build a second house just to hold all the awards they have won…….
Lana: <to Ellie May> Who is he talking to?
EMFE: Invisible Ninja Cameramen
Lana: I understand what the words mean, but WHAT are you talking about?
EMFE: <sighing> They’re invisible ninja cameramen, they are always around, everywhere, they record pretty much everything we do, all the time
Mallory: Invisible Ninja Cameramen you say?
Lana: Nooooooope
AC: ……..and I know the frustration of being in the middle of an award winning promo and having no end for it. That’s why I am here to introduce the Alan Capps Promo Ending Poll! What we are going to do is give you, the viewer, the chance to end this promo! Let’s see what our options are
1. Opus and Cyril both cheat at UNO and a gunfight ensues
2. The WWE bursts in and takes advantage of the PCPL and other liquor flowing and lays everyone out
3. Ray, and his bionic legs, superkick Alan Capps through the wall into Firewoman’s locker room while she is in the shower!
Wait……..who came up with number three, I don’t think I like that one! Oh well, we can rig the vote to make sure that one doesn’t win. Oh, and edit that out too………
Pam: <slurring badly> Who the hell is that guy talkin’ to?
ABFD: <also slurring very badly> Uhhh, them’s them ghosty camera fellas what skulk around and recordify all your talkins so thems who have a squawkybox in they’s house can see what we’s talkifyin’ about
Pam: I didn’t understand a damn thing you just said
ABFD: Outdamnstandener than hell
AC: So just call 1-900-909-9900 and vote for your choice to the end of this promo! Only $2.99 for the first minute, and $12.99 every minute after that! Don’t worry about getting permission either! Permission is for fools! Also, remember, the OOWF Network will be available soon! Only $6.66 per month!
<Capps gives a double thumbs up and a shit eating grin and freezes>
Cheryl: Oh my god, ARE WE INVISIBLE?
JS: OH NO!
Lana: <facepalms> No, you are NOT invisible, and this…….I think this has gone on long enough
<fade>