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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:26:38 GMT -5
OOWF MidWeek Mayhem!
Live! From Riding Mountain, Manitoba
(no setup this week, it is all pretty much straightfoward, it will make a little more sense when I post the rankings later tonight)
OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
Chris Cole vs. JW Westgaard
OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Uncle Entity vs. Tommy Wilder
Tag Team Turmoil Match - Winner Gets a Tag Team Title Shot[/u]
Drink & Destroy vs. The Devil's Brigade vs. KZ vs. The Team From Down Under
OOWF Intercontinental Title Tournament - Round Two[/u]
Niles Anderson vs. Josh O'Neal
Sriram vs. Capellan
Special Attraction[/u]
Mierda Del Pollo Rudos vs. Yukon Cornelius & British Columbian Bulldog
Altrageous vs. Concrete TG
Ax-Man vs. Eric O'Mac vs. Jim Jones
UnderDawg vs. Kane Eyne
Seraph vs. Thim Reynolds
card subject to immigration laws
[Edited on 5-18-2006 by mooseheadjack]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:34:49 GMT -5
[The Chickenshit Heels stroll into the Rick's office, Johnny wearing tag title, AA with belt over shoulder.]
The Rick: What the hell do you idiots want now?
JA: Actually, we just wanted to thank you for giving us the week off.
AA: You see, the last time me and Johnny were in Canada...
The Rick: I know, I know... you nearly got us thrown off television!
JA: Big deal, some backwoods Indian Elixir salesman! We probably did that town a favor, he was ripping everyone off!
AA: Yeah, but the law is still after us...
The Rick: Look, you don't have a match because I can't risk putting you two out in public for all to see. If the mounties show up in the middle of a tag team title match...
AA: We'll get disqualified. Don't want that to happen.
The Rick: No, dumbass, you'll get arrested and it'll be all kinds of bad publicity. But since you are representatives of this company as the reigning tag team champions, I DO require you to be backstage at the show. So get to Riding Horse however you can without getting caught.
AA: What about customs?
The Rick: You guys are clever, you'll figure something out.
AA: Hey, we're supposed to be the ones breaking kayfabe!
JA: One more thing, Rick... if you see Wilder or Westgaard, let em know that they aren't coming back to the States with any kind of title!
The Rick: You two just behave yourelves and everything will take care of itself.
[fade out]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:35:15 GMT -5
(CTG is reading over the match list)
CTG: hmm.... strange that so many guys aren't listed... between the releases and some issues in the booking department, I shouldn't be surprised.
(CTG looks over his shoulder to see LADDER leaning against a wall, looking at the lineup)
CTG: you're not on here either? wow... I figure they'll want you there anyway.. need a ride?
LADDER: .......
CTG: Just offering. (reads the list again) Altrageous? Why do I suddenly get the image of Chris Alt in a mask? Nah, that's WAY too easy.......
(CTG turns to go and bumps into LADDER. LADDER almost falls on him)
CTG: Hey~!!! don't tell me you're still mad about Justin Sane! (shoves LADDER against the wall) They didn't catch him, don't blame that on me!
(LADDER bounces off the wall and falls on CTG again)
CTG: (Shoves him back) don't give me that!
(LADDER bounces off the wall and falls on CTG again)
CTG: Don't start with me, too! You need to calm down!
(LADDER bounces off the wall and falls on CTG again)
CTG: (Stands LADDER up) look, you're a friend... we can talk about this on the trip out there. You ok traveling in a smaller car?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:35:35 GMT -5
Seraph walkes to the centre of the ring, politely asks for a microphone and addresses the local crowd at Riding Mountain (which is actually a national park and not a city).
S: Here in the beauty of creation, between the rugged forest and big sky; underneat the northern lights as they dance across the darkness, the OOWF has seen fit to present yet another match between myself and Thim Reynolds.
[Crowd erupts into a chorus of boos at the mention of Thim's name]
S: [Turning to adress the camera] Thim. I understand the pain you must feel - the frustration of not being able to intimidate me. But you must learn to understand that all things happen for a greater purpose. This place, here in by beautiful home country is going to be your Zarephath [check out 1 Kings 17 for a further explanation] - this is your crucible, and I am the instrument of your refining.
[crowd starts to get quiet and confused]
S: I hold no ill will toward you for what you've done. You are a deeply troubled man, but know this, if you continue to obsess your self with me you will feel the fire, and through the flame you will be purified. I know you don't understand what I'm talking about, but soon.... [Crowd waits to say the catchphrase along with the prophet] You will.
[Seraph looks confused at the crowd's participation - not being accostumed to it, but eventually chalks it up to the home crowd and calmly walks out of the ring]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:36:01 GMT -5
tank walks into GM the Rick's office.
Stank - Rick we've got to do something.
GMtR - Stank I...
Stank - Let me finish. I think something has happened to FFC, and given the crap the Devil's Brigade tried to pull in my match, I think either they or KZ had something to do with Lock's disappearance.
GMtR - Well let me tel...
Stank - I'm not done. Capslock and I are now in a number 1 contender's match.
GMtR - I know. I booked it.
Stank - Rick please... Now HOW am I supposed to compete without MY partner? I don't have any problems taking on any of the other teams on their own but, all three is a bit much. Josh is locked up in the IC title tournament so there's no help there.
GMtR - Stank...
Stank - Hell! What am I talking about?CALL the COPS for crissakes! Have KZ and the Brigade arrested!
GMtR - NOBODY'S GETTING ARRESTED! At least NOT for what you're thinking.
Stank - Rick... a CRIME has been committed. I think Lock has been MURDERED! You shoulda seen the blood! I've spilt my fair share but THIS was something different. Rick you gotta...
Stank hears a toilet flush, then from the bathroom adjacent to Rick's desk, out walks... FF Capslock!
FFC - Hey.
Stank blinks twice saying nothing.
FFC - Look I know you probably have a million questions...
Stank - Did you wash your hands?
FFC - What?
Stank - Before you walked out of the bathroom... did you wash your hands.
FFC - Actually, no. I didn't.
Stank - That's disgusting. Go back in there.
FFC - Bu.. Don't you? I...
Stank - Go on... I'll wait.
FFC turns to Rick, turns to his partner, then with a puzzled look he turns and goes back into the bathroom.
GMtR - I was trying to tell you...
Stank - shhhhh. Just give me a moment to compose myself.
GMtR - Stank he didn't...
Stank - SHHHHH!
Moments pass, and after a few more, FFC walks out the bathroom, his hands clean in the literal sense. Stank takes one more look at his partner before saying...
Stank - Ok... Where the hell have you been?
FFC - Uh... spanking Smarks?
Stank - GOT DAMN IT LOCK!
FFC - Relax. I was just kidding.
Stank - I was WORRIED SICK! I've been CALLING EVERYWHERE looking for your ASS!
FFC - It's right here.
Stank - ...
FFC - Here it is. What?
Stank - Stop pointing to your butt.
FFC - What? You've been looking for my ass, I'm trying to show you it's here safely on my backside.
Stank - You've got jokes.
FFC - Alright I'm sorry.
Stank - Lock there was blood. You wouldn't answer your phone. You MISSED our barbed wire bat match, which incidentally turned into a CAGE match against both KZ AND The Devil's Brigade!
FFC - Wow you had to fight against all four of them?
Stank - No. Josh and The Aussies got mixed up in the brawl... Wait! Don't try to change the subject!
FFC - Look Stank. I know you've got a lot questions and I'll answer everyone of them. Let's just... go have brew. I'll try to explain as much as I can.
- To Be Continued -
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:36:24 GMT -5
*Because the human mind has a limited attention span, the camera cuts to Sexy Female Journalist #199,952, who is standing with Nayr*
SFJ#199,952: I'm standing here with Nayr the Halfling Luchadore. Nayr, how did it feel having the titles taken away from you like that?
Nayr: Well, it wasn't great. But I think that both of us, Matt especially, would have felt horrible if we found out we weren't the legal winners of the match. Yeah, it hurts to have the decision reversed, but I'm glad the titles are still with the people who deserve to have them- what's so funny?
SFJ#199,952: Nothing. Anyways, we haven't seen much of Matt lately, outside of his matches. Why is that?
Nayr: You know Matt, always out saving the world.
SFJ#199,952: Well, Nayr, thanks for your time.
*she leaves*
Nayr: Darn it, you'd think Matt would at least be able to leave a message. He must be really busy.
*fade out*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:36:48 GMT -5
Drink & Destroy are in the bar... drinking. After a few rounds of darts and several pints of beer, they settle down and find a booth.
Stank - So... we ever gonna get around to talking about what we came here to talk about?
FFC - I'm part Indian.
Stank - ... ... ... ... ... ... what?
FFC - I'm part Indian.
Stank - Indian, Indian or Native American, Indian?
FFC - SHIT! That's right! Native American.
Stank - Good because I think Sirriram would be pretty upset if he thought you were making fun of his people.
FFC - You mean Sriram.
Stank - Whatever.
FFC - Wait... Sriram is Indian?
Stank - Not Native American.
FFC - Oh.
Stank - But, apparently you are.
FFC - Right... What am I?
Stank - Native American
FFC - Right.
Stank - ...
FFC - ...
Stank - You'll forgive me if I don't get why your being part Native American has anything to do with WHERE YOU'VE BEEN THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS!
FFC - Well you see, the night of our last match I got a call from my grandpa Bilagaana...
Stank - Bill Agaaa-what?
FFC - My grandpa, ok? He's Navajo.
Stank - You mean the old white dude, I saw at your sister's house, with the weird looking cane, and all the... bees living in his beard?
FFC - That's grandpa.
Stank - He's... Navajo.
FFC - That's what I said, isn't it?
Stank - ... ... ... go on.
FFC - Grandpa said it was time for me to fufill my destiny... to take part in the right of ascension. You see, there are three parts to the ritual. The first two involve animal sacrifice.
Stank - ... ... ... ... ... ... what?
FFC - It was pretty cool Stank. I subdued and gutted a wild deer, for the first sacrifice. The second one was a bit more tricky. I had to kill a bear. I couldn't find one at first, then I realized... Panda! Of course! He hangs around with the Aussies and he's a bear, so...
Stank - Y... you... killed Panda.
FFC - No. No. No. I SACRIFICED Panda.
Stank - TO WHO?
FFC - Grandpa says to Kohkahycumest.
Stank - Coco Hi cum... dude you have flipped your wig.
FFC - C'mon man, this is serious.
Stank - LOCK, YOU'RE ATHEIST!
FFC - I'm not atheist. I'm Navajo, duh.
Stank - ... ... Waitress? Bring me another beer please... no... make it a whiskey sour.
FFC - Grandpa suggested I shoot some vignettes documenting the ritual but, I didn't want to steal Tatanka's thunder.
Stank - I think that would have been the least of your worries.
FFC - Stank, you should've been there. You would've been proud...
Stank - Hold on... I'm just now realizing... the blood in our locker room and at the Motel 6... you sacrificed animals at both those places?
FFC - Well the ritual was very specific about where...
Stank - You mean your grandpa was specific.
FFC - He was my guide throughout, yes.
Stank - Via cellphone?
FFC - Kohkahycumest works in mysterious ways.
Stank - KOKA... DUDE! Your grandpa is NUTS! And next to YOU he's the WHITEST WHITE MAN I KNOW! Bees LIVE IN HIS BEARD!
FFC - And YET... He never get's stung. Expalin THAT one to me!
Stank - ... ... ... ... ... ... YOU'RE INSANE!
FFC - Hey!
Stank - Do Navajo's even participate in animal sacrifice?
FFC - Why wouldn't they? They're Indian.
Stank - Native American.
FFC - Right! Damn it!
The waitress returns with a shot glass and starts to pour Stank some whiskey. Stank simply takes the bottle and sends her on her way, 20 dollars richer.
Stank - So... you said there were 3 parts to this ritual. You killed a deer and a panda. Whatcha do for the third part.
FFC - The copious consumption of the holistic firewater. I did it and now... I'm a warrior.
Stank - I thought this was for ascension?
FFC - Yeah I've ascended from a mere wrestler to a warrior.
Stank - You're a warrior, huh.You're not gonna... paint yourself up, run around beating your chest, sprint down to the ring, shake the ropes and speak only in hyperbolic, holier than thou, non-sensical braggadocio?
FFC - No that would be gay...
Stank - ...
FFC - ... How long is Viper supposed to be in the hospital?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:37:10 GMT -5
*CTG is on his way to his locker room when he runs right into Altrageous, flanked by Sugar and Spice*
CTG: ...
Alt: You got something you wanna say to me?
CTG: Nah. You're the one that has to live with what you've done, not me. *CTG begins to walk away. Alt shoves him into the wall*
Alt: Let me guess. Your heart is just bleeding because of what I did to Hardbody Harris?
CTG: I just don't understand why you'd turn your back on everything you stood for.
Alt: Yeah? You keep on fighting the so-called "good fight", 'Crete. Me, I'll be taking the money, fame, and women. Let me know if being noble works any better for you than it did for me, chump.
CTG: Like I said, Chris... you have to live with what you did. I've washed my hands of you.
*Spice steps forward and slaps CTG hard across the mouth*
Spice: It's Altrageous, and don't you forget it.
Alt *smirking*: She's got spunk. I like that.
CTG: Letting a woman do the dirty work for you? You're just full of surprises, aren't you? I'll see you in the ring.
Alt: Yeah? I'll show you just how dirty I can be, 'Crete.
*Alt and the girls go on their way as an angry CTG rubs his jaw*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:37:35 GMT -5
NOTICE
Regarding the bounty on the OOWF Tag Team Championship:
Although the OOWF is currently in Canada, the bounty will still be delivered in American funds, and has been raised to $30,000 As well, up to one-half of this amount will be awarded to any individual who can provide proof of creating a situation that causes the OOWF Tag Team Championship to be declared vacant. *
*Including, but not limited to Johnny Adrenaline and / or Alan “Attitude Adjuster” Capps being detained by the Canadian Authorities.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:38:10 GMT -5
[Meanwhile, a suspicious vehicle pulls up to the checkpoint at the U.S/Canadian border. Camera cuts into to show Ron Simmons driving, Abdullah the Butcher in the passenger seat, and two old ladies in the back seat.]
Customs Agent: Hello... you, uh, got your passports?
RS: Passports? Since when the hell do ya'll check passports at the Canadian border?? Damn...
[Abdullah hands his over with no fuss, and Simmons reluctantly pulls his out and shows the guy.]
Customs Agent: And you, ladies?
RS: They're deaf.
Customs Agent: What?
RS: I said they can't hear, man!
Customs Agent: Well, fine, but I still need to see their passports.
[The two ladies each into their bags and pull out passports.]
Customs Agent: How'd they know I needed pasports from them?
RS: Uh....
ATB: They saw us getting ours out.
[The ladies hand the passports to Simmons, who show them to the Customs Agent. He looks them over quickly.]
Customs Agent: Hey! These aren't elderly women! What's going on here?
[Simmons snatches the passports back from him.]
RS: Those must be their sons' passports! They took that trip to Europe back in the spring....
Customs Agent: I'm gonna need all of you to get out of the car.
RS: Fine then, I was gonna try to smuggle a shitload of alcohol across the border, but since you're bein a jackass, you can have the shit. It's in the trunk!
[Simmons pops the trunk and gets out of the car, as does Abby. The ladies stay seated in the back.]
Customs Agent: False identification, smuggling... anything else I'm gonna have to get you on?
[The Customs Agent opens the trunk and THE BOOGEYMAN POPS OUT~!]
BM: I'M THE BOOGEYMAN!! AND I'M COMING TO CANADA!!
[Boogey smashes a beer bottle over the customs agent's head. Boogey grabs his ID card and chain and swallows it. Simmons and Abby hop back in the car, Boogey hops in the backseat, and Simmons steps on the gas, plowing thru the gate, on their way to Riding Horse.]
RS: Well, that was easy!
[Johnny and AA start taking off their old lady garb.]
AA: Yeah, and we didn't even need to use Ric for a diversion.
JA: I don't think that would've worked anyway.
AA: Suggested sexual assault of a minor?? They would've RUN to him!
ATB: Can we find somewhere to eat?
AA: Did you hear the man, Ron? Can we find somewhere to eat?
RS: We just beat up a customs agent, illegally crossed into a foreign country, and I got enough alocohol in the trunk to stay loaded for a week, and you wanna stop and get somethin to eat?
JA: Damn...
RS: Shut up, boy.
[fade out]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:38:38 GMT -5
Stank - Oh... my... god.
FFC - Neat huh?
Stank - Lock... you're wearing a headdress.
FFC - I'm a warrior now. They call me FF Capslock!
Stank - The... They already call you FF Capslock!
FFC - I know. But now it MEANS something.
Stank - What does it mean?
FFC - Excuse me?
Stank - What... does it mean?
FFC - It means I... capitalize... your, uh... letters... violently.
Stank - And just WHAT does THAT mean?
FFC - It means I capitalize you and then... lock it in, Biatch!
Stank - That doesn't sound very Native American. Matter o fact, it sounds... ghetto.
FFC - Yeah well... what do you know?
Stank - It says here on my blackberry that Bilagaana means "White dude" in Navajo.
FFC - What? Let me see that!
Stank - If you scroll down you'll see that your god is not really a god. It's just a native american name for "White Crow".
FFC - I don't believe this.
Stank - Which means you sacrificed a deer and a panda to a white crow... ... and I can't believe that sentence just crossed my lips.
FFC - Why would a white crow want a deer and bear sacrifice?
Stank - You're asking me?
FFC - But, Grandpa IS Navajo. He lives on a reservation!
Stank - I don't know about all of that but, I do recognize a stoner when I see one.
FFC - It's a peacepipe. He said it keeps the bees under control.
Stank - Oddly, that explains a lot.
FFC - All this time... I never had a clue.
Stank - You mean the pale skin...
FFC - It never crossed my mind, ok!
Stank - Sorry man, I'm afraid you're not Navajo.
FFC - Can I keep the headdress?
Stank - No.
FFC - I just bought this tomahawk. Can I go scalp someone.
Stank - ... Sure. Let's go find KZ.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:39:00 GMT -5
<MHJ is sitting in the locker room wrapping a bat in barbed wire when LD Williams storms into the room> LDW: Can you believe that shit! MHJ: What? LDW: Rick took the titles from Nayr and MAtt Daddy MHJ: So? LDW: So? So we would decimate Matt and Nayr! We would kill them! MHJ: What, you think we won't kill Johnny and AA? Isn't that what you want? LDW:<after a brief pause> Yeah you are right. WE can take those two clowns out anytime we want, but the bounty still stands, I want to see them sweat MHJ: Fair enough LDW: <noticing the bats> So, four way dance, I suppose we are going to go put some knots on Capslokc and Stank's head, or tear up The Aussies, or jump the Devil's right? MHJ: Nope. LDW: Nope. You are being awful quiet tonight. We have three other teams that are gunning for a shot at the Chickenshit Heels, a team that we should be fighting. Jack, I want those tag titles. It is fun wailing on Capslock and Stank, but this is getting ridiculous, we are spinning out wheels here. MHJ:<after a long pause> Williams you would fight them all on your own, wouldn't you? <chuckles> that is what I like about you, you got no fear at all. But stop and think about the big picture for a moment. YOu got Adrenaline and AA struggling to beat a team from the Onslaught Division. So I am not too worried about them. Then, this week, you have Drink & Destroy, Capslock is off on some vision quest, which is probably just his way of telling us he went on a bender. Stank can't trust him anymore, and Capslock is borderline insane. LDW: And the Aussies and the Devils? MHJ: They hate each other. Let them kill each other. That leaves you and I to take out Stank and either half-wit Capslock or that rookie O'Neal. We got no beef with The Devils - yet, why cause an issue? They can take care of some of our work for us. LDW: And we sit back and reap the rewards. MHJ: Exactly. LDW:<sitting down> Jack, I like the way you think. <fade> |
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:39:25 GMT -5
(hours earlier, at 11:30pm, on Friday, May 19th)
Sexy Female Journalist 007 is at Underdawg's locker room (because that's where wrestlers stay on Friday nights). The door is locked.
SFJ007: Underdawg? (knocks the door) Underdawg? I've been trying to reach you all day! Underdawg?
SFJ007 walks down the corridor and finds Drink & Destroy.
SFJ007: Stank, you saw Underdawg a few days ago. Have you seen him at all today? It's May 19th, and we want to know what the big deal about today is.
ST: Well, you know....
FFC: Lucas! You know you can't be talking to these Sexy Female Journalists no more! You always get in trouble when you cavort with them.
ST: Hey, listen here FF! Don't tell me who I can and can't talk to. Mr. Not-an-Indian!
FFC: Ah ah ah. Native American. And I'm still holding this tomahawk.
ST: Fair enough. And no, Amber. I haven't seen him since the other day at the bar.
FFC: You know her name?
ST: I know a lot of their names.
FFC: Oh, you... you! (pointing finger at Stank)
SFJ007 rolls her eyes and continues. She finds Fly in the hall way, practicing the robot.
SFJ007: Excuse me, Fly.
F: Damn, yo! What's the heezy mah beezy!
SFJ007: Excuse me, Fly?
F: I'm just sayin' dayam, you hotta than biscuits and gravy, yo! Girl, you gots da bootie that gots me buggin out like gotdamn gotDAMN you flyer than a mu'fucka!
SFJ007: Excuse me, Fly...
SFJ007 rolls her eyes and is about to leave when Nayr walks up to her.
N: I understand you're looking for Underdawg.
SFJ007: Yes, I am. Do you know where he is?
N: No, I don't. In fact, I don't think I've ever crossed paths with him since I've arrived here.
SFJ007: Then what help are you?
N: None, really. I just wanted to concur with my colleague, Fly, and exclaim that you do have the most delightful pair of buttocks I've seen in quite some time.
F: Fo' shizlle Nayrizzle!
SFJ007: Idiots!
She walks off in frustration. She continues down the hall when she sees the Chickenshit Heels locker room door wide open with no one inside.
SFJ007: Mr. Capps? Mr. Adrenaline?
Just then, the voice-box enduced howl of Kane Eyne can be heard in the hallway. In fear, 007 hides in a locker, clearly marked as Attitude Adjuster's.
SFJ007: Oh my god, it's fucking gross in here.
Invisible Ninja Cameraman: Shh! Amber, be quiet or he'll hear you.
Kane Eyne walks in with Espy Seeay, Attitude Adjuster, and Johnny Adrenaline.
AA: I cannot believe what you just did.
JA: You guys are fucking crazy.
ES: Oooh yes.... Underdawg finally knows what the meaning of pain is.... Ooooh yes!
JA: I don't think I could ever get that low.
AA: Me neither.
ES: Remember.... not a word to anyone... Oooh yess!!
JA: No worries.
AA: You know what they say. See No Evil... Um... Help me out here Johnny.
JA: I forgot too.
AA: Yeah. But I still don't get it. What's the deal with today's date?
ES: The day Underdawg finally learned... what the true meaning of pain is... Ooohh yes!
JA: Yeah, yeah we get that already fatty.
AA: Hey!
JA: I was talking to Espy.
AA: I knew that.
JA: Are you saying that this is it? That there's nothing to it other than what we just did to Underdawg?
ES: Oh yes..... It's a special day indeed.
AA: That's fucking stupid.
JA: That's really stupid. I thought there would be something grand. Something really cool, like an unmasking, or electricuting someone in the nads, or lighting our lead announcer on fire, or having sex with the corpse of dead cheerleader.
AA: Or scalding hot coffee.
JA: Yeah, or... no. That's not grand at all Alan.
AA: Oh come on!
ES: You mean what we just did to the Underdawg wasn't cool enough? Oooh yesss?
AA: Oooh yesss!!!
JA: Something like... I mean, come on. You guys kept talking about May 19th like it was the opening of a really big movie or something.
Kane Eyne glares at Johnny through his mask. Puts the voice box up to his throat and menacingly says:
KE: Shut the fuck up, Johnny.
JA: All righty then. Um... sandwiches, Alan?
AA: It's almost midnight. Isn't that a little late?
Johnny does a double take.
JA: Huh?
AA: I mean, the sandwich shop is closed by now. We'd have to go to Denny's to get sandwiches, and it's 5 miles into town.
JA: I'm game.
The heels leave, in chickenshit manner.
ES: Kane Eyne. We must never let them know. We must never let anyone know, what really happened on this day, all those years ago.
Espy and Kane Eyne leave.
SFJ007 gets out of Attitude Adjuster's locker.
SFJ007: That was disgusting! There was cheese and mayonnaise all over that damn locker!
INC: Come on, Amber. Let's get out of here before they come back.
SFJ007: No shit Sherlock! Oh wait... speaking of Sherlock...
SFJ007 spies Kane Eyne's gym bag. She unzips it to find....
A video tape. Marked "May 19th, 1980". She grabs the tape and leaves.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:39:50 GMT -5
Moments later, The Chickenshit Heels walk into a nearby Denny's. They are wearing hats and dark sunglasses for fear of being spotted by the cops...or anyone from the OOWF, for that matter.
AA: It's a 106 miles to Chicago. We got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
JA: Huh? We're nowhere near Chicago and we came here by taxi. And neither of us smoke.
AA: Yeah, I know. But it's a great movie line. And it is dark and we are wearing sunglasses.
JA: The future's so bright, we have to wear shades!
RF: WHOOOO!!!!!!!!
Denny's Waitress: Are you two idiots done monkeying around?
AA: No, we left Fred the Monkey back in the States. Couldn't get the immunization papers squared away.
JA: Dude, we're Canadian...eh? United States, hack patooie! Cameraman, zoom in on abs!
AA: Isn't that usually my line?
DW: ...
AA: I'll have the toasted turkey sub on rye, a plate of fries, a Denny's Unlimate MeatBurger and a Chocolate Sundae. Oh, and a Diet Coke.
JA: I think I just lost my appetite. But I will have a Tequila Fresh and Fruity Tutie Rootie. Does it come with an umbrella straw?
TCHs eat, with AA taking some of his in a doggie bag. As they walk out the door, AA says:
AA: Man, with the bounty on us and the cops after us, I'm under a lot of pressure. It's a good thing I dropped that Iron Man Ozzy Osborne title to Harper Camby. I wonder who has that title now?
At that very moment, AA turns the corner and swings his full bag of food right into Ayaka's face, who was waiting to ambush The Chickenshit Heels. Ayaka falls to ground, dropping her kendo stick. AA trips over the stick, stumbles while trying to save his food, and falls on top of Ayaka. Ref Gavin Hale runs from a nearby cab and counts the pinfall.
YOUR NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, Attitude Adjuster!
JA: Aw, shit.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:47:39 GMT -5
## We see theRick ensconced in his office in Canada, desperately hunting around the TV for some decent sport and getting more and more pissed off by the second . . . knock knock
tR: fuck off!!
TR: why thank you theRick.
## The door open and a fully suited and booted Thim Reynolds enters theRicks office.
tR: I'm sorry, are you deaf as well as English? I said fuck off
TR: ah yes, but I'm sure you were joking weren't you Rick. We need to talk for a moment.
tR: what's the problem? Seraph cost you a match last week, I've given you a match with him again this week . . . end of story??
TR: you might think that Rick, I couldn't possibly lower myself down to something so simplistic . . . no no, Seraph cost me a very fucking winnable match last week, Josh should be in a hospital by now - even if you'd have sent me into that match blindfold the big lug would have done no better than pretending to be a large splat on the canvas for a while . . .
tR: so why are you here then?
TR: I want a different match . . . you know what happens in the ring with that smug supercilious bastard, it's the same every time. We fight for a bit, I gain the upperhand, put the bastard into a submission hold and he just switches off, nothing . . . I'm beginning to get the feeling the the bastard wouldn't scream even if I broke both his legs!!! And then to top it all, just as I'm getting him settled into an even better hold he goes and fucking well disappears!!
tR: so I suppose you're after a cage match or something to keep him in then??
TR: oh no Rick . . . I don't even want the bastard getting that far from me . . . I want a good old fashioned Dog Collar match
tR: Actually Thim, you know what, I think that's a really good idea - we haven't had a good Dog Collar match around here for an awfully long time . . . you've got your match
TR: well thanks Rick - you won't regret it . . .
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:49:48 GMT -5
**L.D. Williams and Eric O’Mac are reading the lineup.**
LDW: “Altrageous….moron.”
EOM: “Actually, it’s got kind of a nice ring to it.”
LDW: “What? He sounds like a rap idiot. I’m surprised he doesn’t spell it with a “Z”.”
EOM: “To each their own I guess. You gotta admit, though, joining the set was a good move.”
LDW: “How do you figure that?”
EOM: “You can’t argue with their track record…and they sure know how to party.”
**L.D. stares a hole through Eric’s back as he walks away.**
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:50:09 GMT -5
Cap and JW are looking at this week's card.
"Dude, title matches for you and Tommy. You guys pick up the wins, then when I've beaten Siririririram this week and Niles or Josh next week, we'll have all the belts in wCw."
"Beating Cole's not going to be easy." JW reminds Cap. "He'll have Firechild and the man-I-refuse-to-refer-to-as-Altrageous running interference for him."
"Speaking of 'Altrageous' -" Cap air quotes, "- what the hell was that last week? He gets DQed and then parties like he achieved something?"
"Don't ask me." the Birdman shrugs, "I would have thought you'd have a better idea than me ... you're the one whose supposed to be getting into Niles's head."
"Dude, like I have any idea what's going on with that guy." Cap shrugs, "Hell, right now I'd just like to know where he's getting all his cash from. Johnny and Alan have been bitching that the presents I got them weren't up to scratch."
"Johnny and Alan?" JW raises his eyebrows, "You're on a first name basis now?"
"Dude, I don't like it any more than you, but the Rick's got his little cross-gimmick thing going on, so I have to play along. And hey, we're in Canada. That's always backwards land for heels and faces anyway, right?"
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:50:32 GMT -5
Drink & Destroy are walking down the hall. FFC is still wearing the headdress and brandishing a tomahawk.
Stank - Lock would you please get rid of that headdress? You're embarrassing me.
FFC - Do you know how long it took me to find one of these that fit?
Stank - But I thought we established that you are NOT Native American!
FFC - Fine!
Stank - Give it to Sharon, maybe she can find some use for it.
FFC - Sharon?
Stank - SFJ#33. Unlike you she actually IS Native American.
FFC - You have got to tell me your secret one these days.
Stank - What secret?
FFC - This crazy hold you have over the SFJs.
Stank - What? I'm a playa.
FFC - Please.
Just then 3 Piece Set appear from the opposite end of the hall. The five men stop and GLARE at one another. After a moment, The Set walk off, laughing amongst themselves.
Stank - I can't stand those guys.
FFC - When did Chris Alt join The Set?
Stank - Actually it's "Altrageous" now.
FFC - What! And you think I'm nuts.
D&D walk near The Devil's Brigade locker room when out come Harper Camby and Tommy O'Neil. This encounter doesn't appear it's going to be the non-event D&D's and 3 Piece Set's was. Both teams get ready to scrap when GM theRick walks out of his office, nearby.
GMtR - Oh NO YOU DON'T! If ANY of you get's in an altercation with the other... more IMPORTANTLY, if ANY property is DAMAGED as a result of your fighting. THAT team will NOT be competing at MAYHEM! For that matter they won't be competing at ANY Mayhem for quite some time! IS THAT CLEAR?
FFC - Crystal.
GMtR - *sigh* I see you're taking this Indian thing to heart, FFC.
HC - Actually it's Native American, Rick.
Everyone turns and stares at Camby.
HC - What? I can be sensitive.
On that note D&D continue down the hall. They are soon accosted by The Team from Down Under.
OBJ - Hey. Have either of you seen, Panda?
FFC - Uh... ... ...
Stank - No... Nope. Haven't seen him.
GB - Damn. Where has that bear run off to?
Stank - We'll let you know if we see him.
TTFDU walk off.
Stank - Whew!
FFC - Hmmm. That's not gonna go well when they find out.
Stank - You just HAD to kill Panda!
FFC - I NEEDED a BEAR on short notice!
Stank - For a bogus RITUAL made up by your CRAZY ASS GRANDPAPPY!
FFC - Why you bringing up old sh*t?
Rick walks up from behind.
GMtR - Did I just hear you say you KILLED Panda?
Drink & Destroy look at Rick... then TAKE OFF running down the hall, Rick following close behind.
GMtR - COME BACK HERE YOU TWO!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:50:58 GMT -5
*TTFDU have taken a break from the search for Panda at a nearby bar*
WBK: I checked with Iron Eyes again. Still no sign of him.
OBJ: Maybe he got hit on the head and has that thing where you forget who you are.
GB: Amnesia?
OBJ: It happened to Cactus Jack when he was in WCW, you know.
GB: Right.
*meanwhile WBK has been talking on his cell phone, and now hangs up*
WBK: Bad news, mates. Iron Eyes was calling from the hotel we stayed at last week.
GB: The hotel? What is it?
OBJ: It's a big building with a lot of rooms, but there'll be time for that later. What did Iron Eyes say, Wally?
WBK: The trail was cold, but he found traces of blood and black and white fur. Sounds worrisome.
OBJ: Those Devil's Brigade bastards!
GB: Don't jump to conclusions, mate. KZ are sick enough to do something like this as well.
WBK: Right. Lets see what else Iron Eyes can dig up before we retaliate.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:51:56 GMT -5
Live from the Palms in Las Vegas - it's CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN! Here is your host - DAAAAAAAVE FOLEY!
Dave: Welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown - it's kind of like Who's Line Is It Anyway, except here, the points do matter! We have 5 celebrities who are playing for charity tonight, and let's bring them out!
From the TV show Friends and such movies as the Whole Nine Yards and the Whole Tne Yards, we have Matthew Perry, playing for the Relay for Life charity!
[Matthew Perry comes out and sits down at the table.]
From the TV show "Boy Meets World", we have Ben Savage, playing for the American Diabetes Association!
[Ben Savage comes out and sits down.]
From the movie "The Break Up" and also from Friends, Jennifer Aniston, playing for the Adoption of Homeless African Children...wait. Wrong charity. That's Angelina's. Ah, who cares, come on out here.
[Jennifer Aniston comes out, looking mad.]
From the world of country music, playing for the survival of NASCAR, Toby Keith!
[Toby Keith comes out, yelling to the crowd and sits at the table.]
And last, but not least, playing for the charity of...himself, Eric O'Mac, from the OOWF!
[Eric comes out, looking wealthy and ready.]
Dave: Let the games and the better begin!
[The dealing begins, and everyone gets their cards. Dave Foley and Phil Gordon commentate]
Phil: Ben Savage from Boy Meets World is first to act....and he folds a 3 and a 7 off-suit.
Dave: And next up is Jennifer Aniston, still emotional over Brad Pitt....
Phil:....and she's got pocket Aces and she raises to $2000 total.
Dave: Toby Keith and Matthew Perry both folds quicky, and up next is Eric O'Mac. Let's see how he matches up against Jennifer.
{Eric looks at his hand, and he has pocket 7s}
Phil: Eric with pocket sevens, will he call?
[Eric thinks for a second.]
Eric: Ya know, I've been in a tough spots before. I was in a tough spot last week when Niles Anderson got lucky. I'll be in a tough spot this week when I'm in a triple threat with two...nobodies. But this isn't a tough spot. I know when a bitch is bluffing, and to call your bluff...I'm all in.
Phil: Whoa, Eric is all in on a pair of 7s!
Dave: After cutting a wrestling promo, of all things.
Phil: And it looks like Jennifer is going to call, and someone is going to double up HUGE! On the first hand, no less!
[Eric reacts violently when he sees the two aces.]
Eric: Sh[beep]! That's [beep]ing crazy!
Phil: Let's look at the flop.
[The flop is 7 of spades, 7 of diamonds, and Ace of hearts.]
Dave: My goodness! Eric just hit four of a kind on the flop! And while Jennifer has 3 aces, there is only one cards in that deck that can save her and that is the Ace of spades!
[Eric celebrates wildly!]
Eric: Damn straight! I'll eliminate your ass just like I will elminate Ax-man and Jim Jones at Mayhem! WHOO!
[The turn card is a King.]
Eric: WHOO!
RF: That's right, fat boy! WHOO!
Dave: Ric Flair has invaded the Palms!
Phil: Well, he did. Now, he's gone!
Dave: Well, let's see the river card.
[The river card is.......AN ACE!]
Phil: WOW! Eric is gone from the first hand!
[Eric is pissed! Eric is livid!]
Eric: FUCK! [Actually slipping that one by the censors] That is bull[BEEP]!
[Eric throws a haymaker to the first guy he see's, which happens to be Matthew Perry. Matthew Perry is down!]
Phil: Eric is starting a barroom brawl here, that is how mad he is about the cards!
Dave: Eric, attacking the Boy Meets World guy, Perry and Savage is down, and Aniston has ran away!
Phil: It looks as if former TNA wrestler Toby Keith will be next, and this is an impromtu battle, with no referee and chips flying!
Dave: Eric throws a couple of punches, but Toby lays him out with a stiff clotheslines.
Phil: We sound better than Mike Tenay and Don West! Hire us!
Dave: And here's comes Eric, he gets up an stiffs Toby Keith with a hard right, and delivers a hard DDT on the floor! Where the hell is Palms Security?
Phil: I've gotten word that they are busy occupied arresting a naked Ric Flair after he won a quarter slot machine and started stripping.
Dave: Eric places Toby Keith on the table....and he gets on the table with him! With Keith laid prone on the table, Eric looks at him, and jumps into the air, flip and landing a modified Frog Splash! the table buckles enough to break! This is chaos....! Eric O'Mac has gone mad over his cards....and now, he is finally getting escorted out by Palms Security!
We'll be back after order has been restored after this brief word!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:52:37 GMT -5
<MHJ is sitting comfortably perched on top of a stack of pallats reading the latest issue of Torture and Suffering Weekly when The Team From Down Under wander by and spot him>
OBJ: THERE HE IS! JAck you son of a bitch! What did you and Williams do to Panda?
GB: To hell with asking him, drag his ass down here and beat the answers out of him!
MHJ<calmly closing the magazine and folding his arms looks at TFDU> Come on up if you want a fight...
<Jack and Gator start toward the pallets>
...Just remember what Rick said, any fighting between the four teams, and you are OUT of the four way dance. Beside, you boys are barking up the wrong tree, I didn't touch your stupid panda
OBJ: Jack, you kidnapped a damn mouse and locked it in a safe, I wouldn't put anything past you
MHJ: That was to prove a point
GB: Which was?
MHJ: That Hardbody Harris was an idiot which has since been further proven by Alt and Cole
WBK: Ok Jack, you are a clever guy, what happened to Panda?
MHJ: Why should I tell you?
OBJ: Cause if you don't I am gonna beat your ass, and Gator is gonna chomp your ass off that stack and break your stupid neck!
MHJ: Temper temper boys, you wouldn't want to lose that shot at the gold would you?
WBK: Boys, calm down, Jack what do you know?
MHJ: All I can say is the rumor around here is it has something to do with Indians, you figure the rest out.
<WBK, OBJ and GB all think for a moment>
OBJ: That Sriram is an Indian isn't he?
GB: Let's go pay him a visit!
MHJ: Idiots
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:53:01 GMT -5
< 3 Piece Set is walking down the hallway backstage.>
CC: I can't believe that chumpstain Rick dissolved the divisons right after I became World Champion. Do you know why he did that?
FC: Attrition?
CC: He is screwing me over again.
FC: How do you figure?
CC: Well instead of having 8 challengers gunning for my title I have 28. And my first challenger is some crazy canuck that carries around a hockey stick. I fucking hate Canada!
A: 8, 28, 58 it just doesn't make a differnece. 3 Piece Set is indestruclible.
Sugar: Altrageous you are so hot.
A: I know.
Spice: Altrageous you are so sexy.
A: I know. Firechild, did I thank you for my birthday present.
FC: You sure did.
A: Well thank you again.
CC: Here we are. Lets get to work.
<The Set walks into a door. When the door closes the camera shows the sign on the door that read: wCw>
************
<Later that day. wCw and Missy enter there locker room. Smoke pours out of the room and all four start coughing. >
Cap: What the hell is going on in there?
JWW: I can't see a thing.
TW: I'm going to look. <runs off into the smoke>
JWW: Tommy. No. Wait.
TW: NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!
<JW and Cap give each other and quick look and run into the room. A few moments later they pull TW out of the room.>
Missy: What happened? Why did you scream?
TW: All of the Mountain Dew and our Endorsed Boards and Thread were on fire. It's all gone.
Cap: Who could have done this?
JW: Well destruction seems like the Devil's MO.
Cap: True. Although I'm sure Johnny & AA could have a reason to try and get to you and I did ruin Alt's party so the 3 Piece Set might be involved also,
JW: We sure are making a lot of enemies aren't we?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:53:55 GMT -5
*Nayr is in his locker room when Matt barges in.*
Matt: Nayr, I must say I find that disgusting.
Nayr: Huh?
*Matt picks up a remote and presses "play".*
Nayr: Wait, what?
Matt: Sorry, let me fast forward a bit.
Matt: Nayr, that was totally vulgar and inappropriate. Don't you know we have children watching this show?
Nayr: Sorry Matt, I was just joking around.
Matt: Nayr, it isn't funny. Women aren't just objects. They are human beings just like you and me.
Nayr: OK, OK. I won't do it again.
Matt: Good. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a scientist who just discovered a cure for cancer trapped in a burning building that I need to save. I'd better move quick, or else the building might collapse and crush the cat trapped in an adjacent tree, or destroy one of the walls at the neighbouring orphanage.
*He rushes away*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:54:21 GMT -5
Drink & Destroy round a corner and rush into their locker room. They turn around and slam the door shut, lock it, then collaspe in a heap trying to catch their breath.
Stank - Damn, Rick is FAST!
FFC - He nearly caught us by Flair's sandwhich stand!
Stank - Yeah. Good thinking, spilling that mustard in his path. If he hadn't slipped and fell we probably wouldn't have made it.
FFC - What happens when he gets up and heads over here?
Stank - I wouldn't worry about it. I looked back and saw Erlana walk over to help him up. She was wearing one of those numbers you see Lita wearing for Edge when she wants to look all slutty.
FFC - You mean the shirt that reveals all the ...
Stank - Exactly. Damn distracting, actually... anyway, between that and the bottle of whiskey she was carrying, I think Rick has other things on his mind.
FFC walks towards the bathroom.
FFC - It's a good thing too. I don't want to hear another one of his speeches about how we're not supposed to... YIKES!
Stank - Wha? What is it... OH! Heeeeey there Iron Eye's. Whatcha doin in our locker room?
Iron Eyes gives FFC the stink eye.
IE - Who the hell you supposed to be?
FFC - Uh... no one.
FFC YANKS the headdress off his head and tosses the tomahawk aside!
Stank - Um... So. Um... Whatcha doin here, Chief, I MEAN...uh... Why are you here Iron Eyes?
IE - I was lead here... let me see that tomahawk.
FFC - What for?
As Iron Eyes bends over to pick up the tomahawk, FFC CHOPS him on the back of his head, knocking Iron Eyes OUT COLD!
Stank - WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
FFC - He's ON to us!
Stank - You mean he's on to YOU!
FFC - Just hold him up for me while I tie him!
Stank - Question. Did you use that tomahawk to... you know?
FFC - The ritual was very specific!
Stank - I don't believe this.
FFC - What? It was a blood sacrifice! I couldn't just use my bare hands... heh... heh... I just said BEAR, get it?
Stank - ...
FFC - I crack me up!
Stank *sigh*- So what's your plan? We're just gonna lock him up somewhere?
FFC - Not just somewhere.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Jun 27, 2008 10:54:41 GMT -5
"Bye Johnny! Bye Alan! Hope you liked the presents! See you at the show!" we see Capellan leave TCH's dressing room. Inside, Adrenaline and AA share a look, then turn to the other door. Niles Anderson steps through.
"See what we meant, Niles?"
"Yes Johnny, I do." Anderson frowns, "You're right. He's suddenly very friendly. And making those those amusing attempts at 'subtlety'."
AA nods from his position in the newly installed TCH jacuzzi. Thankfully, the bubbling water hides his gut.
"He sure seems interested in how you're getting all this money, Niles."
"How are you getting it?" Adrenaline asks.
Niles waves the question away.
"That's a story for another time, boys. For now, we need to start thinking about how to put an end to Capellan's little Nancy Drew impersonation."
Fade to black.
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