OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 12-19-07

[mooseheadjack]

DH Magnusson and Spin Hansen are ~WALKING! Into the Destroyitarium when Phantos' promo plays across a nearby monitor.

DHM: Some people just don't get it. Shannon!

no one answers.

DHM: SHANNON!

still no response.

DHM: You. C'mere.

SFJ22 walks into frame, quickly snapping into interview mode

SFJ22: I'm backstage with Tag Team Champions Spin Hansen and D.H. Magnusson just moments after they addressed the audience and the entire locker room!

DHM: Yeah, and looks like some people still ain't gettin' it, Shannon.

SFJ22: My name isn't Shannon, it's J-

DHM: Phantos, Lucios...I wanna like you boys. I really do. I wanna think you're better than this. But you're makin' it damned hard. You can talk about bein' the uncrowned champions all you want. You can talk about bein' screwed outta these belts...OUR belts..all you want. You can talk about bein' the measuring stick all you want, but in the real world talk is cheap boys. And inside that ring, it ain't even worth that.

Lemme try and pull you away from your corporate jets and porno skanks long enough to show you reality of this world. ***tosses his belt across Spin's Shoulder*** We won these belts when you couldn't. For all the cryin' and whinin' about being screwed outta them the real simple fact is the you couldn't get the job done. You tried...we succeeded. For every minute you were inkin' your big money deals with bottled water and sandwich people, we were clawin' and brawling our ways to these. For every breath you wasted by complain' about bein' shafted outta the gold, we were shedding our blood and sweat making sure that it couldn't happen to us. We won these belts because we wanted the respect that goes with them. We weren't worryin' about our sponsors, or our cell phones, or who has the biggest goddamned trampoline.

Keep on about about bein' the measurin' stick, kids. You got your private jets, you got your custom locker room, you got your company cars and your inside track on the network news, and if you think that makes the be all and end all, that's fine...But you ain't got these belts. And if you ain't got these belts, I don't see where rest matters.

You boys'll get your shot, just as soon as we take out the trash this week, and at the PPV, you'll be next. Don't worry about that. Worry about havin' your heads outta Aquafina's ass and in the game.

SFJ22: Spin? Any thoughts?

SH: Yeah, I gotta get my partner some decaf.

DHM: You got your bonus soundbyte, Shannon...Get out. We got drinkin' to do

[mooseheadjack]

(Ecosystem is watching Night of the Living Dead with Voltage in the locker room.)

Voltage: I thought we were going to watch tapes of The Dead and Seamus McNasty to study them.

Eco: We are. This is The Dead.

Voltage: This is the Living Dead. This is not the wrestler.

Eco: But see, he always talks about "The Dead". He never says "I" or "me". Clearly, he's referring to his zombie army.

Volt: Or he's talking in the third person.

Eco: Let me rephrase: Would you rather watch wrestling matches, or a pretty good movie?

Volt: Neither. This is in black and white. Why would I watch something in black and white?

Eco: Why do you mate with men?

Volt: Okay, how do you not get that? MATE IS FRIEND!!

Eco: No, mate is sex. You should learn English.

Volt: Okay. You know the words "roommate" and "teammate"?

Eco: Yes.

Volt: Those words involve friendliness, yes?

Eco: Yes.

Volt: And what do they have in common?

Eco: They involve friendliness.

Volt: I mean in the words themselves.

Eco: The letters "t", "e", "a", and "m".

Volt: Actually, they share a WHOLE WORD.

Eco: I know. That spells team.

Volt: No...the word is actually spelled out in the words themselves.

Eco: Yes. Team is in teammate.

Volt: No. Another word.

Eco: Tea?

Volt: NO!

Eco: "A" shouldn't count.

Volt: THE WORD IS IN BOTH WORDS!

Eco: Team!

Volt: WITH LETTERS IN ORDER!

Eco: A!

Volt: NO!!!!

Eco: What is it then?

Volt: MATE!

Eco: With what? You? That's gross.

Volt: No! They both have the word mate!

Eco: Word mate? Like, the two words have sex?

Volt: GYAH!!!

(Voltage throws a brick through the TV.)

Eco: Gyah? Is that like, the term for word sex?

(Voltage leaves.)

Eco: Australians are so temperamental.

[mooseheadjack]

Rabbxt: You see the main event for Mayhem?

Fire: Stank and LD?

Rabbxt: And the match?

Fire: It's for the Heavyweight Title...

Rabbxt: Inside of a...

Fire: Oh, a steel cage.

Rabbxt: Damn straight. Now that's a match I could totally get into.

Fire: Oh, yea. But we can dominate in any match, no problem.

Rabbxt: True. But cages are fun.

Fire: That, they are.

Rabbxt: I was just thinking... We've both got locker rooms, but we're a tag team. You think, maybe...

Fire: I don't think I'd feel comfortable sharing a locker room with you, Rabbxt.

Rabbxt: Oh, come on. Why not?

Fire: I just... Don't think it would work out.

Rabbxt: You want me to stay in that nasty closet?

Fire: I'm sure you can find a new locker room. Just look around.

Rabbxt: Nah, that's alright. I can just store my Mountain Dew in the closet. I'll just change and shit in my car, I guess.

Fire: That's fine with me. How you think Nerves and Blitz are doing with that room you sold them... For five bucks?

Rabbxt: The room was tight. Sucks that I had to give it up. But five bucks is five bucks, and I needed that five bucks.

Fire: I'm not even going to ask why. The Dead and Seamus got a locker room?

Rabbxt: Not sure. I think they're usually lurking around the hallways. I've never seen a door with their names on it. It's not like they deserve their own locker room, anyway. I mean, who's the Iron Person Champion, here?

Fire: Totally. You feel strong about keeping that belt with you?

Rabbxt: You got my back, right? No turning on me or anything?

Fire: All the way. We're tight.

Rabbxt: Sweet. And you've got my back in this match against the Bastards?

Fire: No doubt. And you got mine?

Rabbxt: For sure, Fire. In every situation, I'll be right there, backing you up. And it's not like you don't already know this, but I'm not above cheating to win.

Fire: That's good to know. You do all the cheating you want. But I don't think we'll be needing it at Mayhem.

Rabbxt: No way. We can finish them guys off in minutes.

Fire: Seconds, even.

Rabbxt: We could.

Fire: But let's not. Let's have some fun with them.

Rabbxt: We're totally on the same page, Fire. You don't know how much cooler you are than Blitz.

Fire: Haha. Thanks for that. He always did seem like a... well, pussy.

Rabbxt: That he was, Fire. And that, he still is. And what about Nerves, crying and bitching about me hitting the 810 before him?

Fire: Total bitch boy. He's over it now, though. He's hit it and you've hit it. That shit's over.

Rabbxt: That shit was weak, too. A fight over a couple of flips?

Fire: ...

Rabbxt: So I've gotten into a little more than just that fight over my flips. Can you blame me?

Fire: Not really. Your flips are ill as shit.

Rabbxt: You best believe it. Now let's see that back flip again.

**Firewoman does a standing back layout.**

Rabbxt: Damn, girl. That's some sick shit.

Fire: I've been practicing the layout.

Rabbxt: It's tough, but once you get it down, it becomes natural.

**Rabbxt does a standing back layout.**

Rabbxt: I don't even have to think about it.

Fire: Hey, relax. I'm getting there.

Rabbxt: And you're getting there quick, too. I'm pretty surprised, actually. You're a fast learner.

Fire: Let's hope our match goes as well as my back layout.

Rabbxt: There's no way we're losing. You know that, right?

Fire: That's pretty obvious. How could we lose? We're better than all the other teams here.

Rabbxt: Exactly. Fuck all them. They better watch out. We're climbing up the ladder quickly.

Fire: Ooh, ladders. Those are fun.

Rabbxt: Damn straight. I could do mad flips off them.

Fire: Totally. Just get that Mountain Dew high you're so well known for.

Rabbxt: Oh, yea. Thanks for the reminder. I got to go get the Mountain Dew out of my car. Put it in my closet.

Fire: Haha. Alright, dude. See you later.

Rabbxt: Peace out, Fire.

**Fades to black as Rabbxt runs down the hallway.**

[mooseheadjack]

As Rabbxt runs back to locker room with Mountain Dew, Seamus steps out of the shadow and hits Rabbxt with a lariat that causes Rabbxt to do a flip to the floor

Seamus: Hahaha now that was a cool little flip Furby.

kicks Rabbxt a few times

Seamus: Where's your partner?

Cracks open a bottle of Mountain Dew and pours it over Rabbxt head.

Seamus: AHHHHH Refreshing!

Seamus lays the Iron Man belt across Rabbxt waist and begins to walk away

Seamus: Be careful little buddy I'll be back for that belt when I want it....

It's Wabbit Season


Rabbxt struggles to his feet holding his side and shaking in anger he stares off in the direction that Seamus walked

[mooseheadjack]

**Rabbxt puts his Mountain Dew into his closet, then goes and knocks on Firewoman's locker room door. Fire answers.**

Fire: What's up? You got a bloody lip.

Rabbxt: Yea. McNasty caught me off gaurd. Clotheslined me straight onto my face.

Fire: That asshole. Him and Dead seem to do the same sort of things.

Rabbxt: Except, Seamus didn't take my belt. Don't know why, but he didn't.

Fire: You wanna come in here and shower off? You got, something... Mountain Dew?

Rabbxt: Yea. He kind of poured some out on me when I was laid out. I hate that guy. We need a match against them.

Fire: We'll worry about that some other time, Rabbxt. I'm sure it'll come soon enough.

Rabbxt: Yea, but how many more attacks are we going to suffer before we get a fair shot at taking them out.

Fire: You know, you don't need a fair shot at them.

Rabbxt: You're right about that one, Fire. Yea, I'll come in and shower off. Just let me run to my car real quick and get a change of clothes. Peace.

Fire: See you in a few minutes.

**Fire closes her door, as Rabbxt runs down the hallway. He stops before rounding a corner and sees The Dead walking casually down the hallway.**

Rabbxt: Hey, Dead! Blame this on your partner!

**Rabbxt hits Dead with a Superkick to the face, laying him out. He follows up with a Standing Shooting Star Leg Drop. He then takes three steps up the wall and hits Dead with a Corkscrew Moonsault off the wall.**

Rabbxt: Seamus did this to you, Dead. Remember that.

**Rabbxt goes to his car, while Dead lays there, in pain. Rabbxt runs back from his car, with a change of clothes, and knocks on Fire's door again. She answers.**

Fire: Hey, again. What was all that noise, earlier?

Rabbxt: Huh? Oh, yea. I laid The Dead out with a couple sweet moves.

Fire: The Dead? Not Seamus?

Rabbxt: Well, Seamus did this to me. But he's partners with Dead. He basically deserves a beat down, too. So I figured, this might cause some friction between the two, right? Something Seamus did causing The Dead to get beat down.

Fire: Yea, sure. That seems reasonable. Anyway, come on in and shower that Mountain Dew off your head.

Rabbxt: Damn Seamus ruined my du-rag...

**Rabbxt goes into Fire's locker room and she shuts the door behind him.**

[mooseheadjack]

[The Dead is sitting against the wall after the attack by Rabbxt.]

The Dead: You know, The Dead can't help but laugh at you Rabbxt. The Dead knows that you think you're clever, but in reality you're nothing more than a wannabe. A superkick? Really? How original of you. However, it was a little sloppy. Don't worry though, because once you and The Dead are in the ring together, The Dead will show you the proper form as he Closes the Casket on you.

As for this being Seamus' fault, The Dead is pretty damn sure it was you who attacked him, not Seamus. Quit trying to blame all of your problems on someone else, little rabbit.

[The Dead stands up and walks away, laughing.]

[mooseheadjack]

*Canadian Dragon is sitting on top of a ladder while a group of Sexy Female Journalist fight over who should have to interview him. LD Williams walks by an loos up at Dragon.*

LD: "Shouldn't you be cutting a promo about your match."

CD: "None of our fine journalist are willing to interview me."

LD: "Well can you blame them?"

CD: "Yes. I mean, they have sex with The Rick to get their job. You'd imagine getting tossed off a ladder would be a welcome experience."

LD: "You make a good point."

*Just then GM The Rick come by and starts yelling.*

GMTR: "Will one of you bitches just interview the bastard all ready!"

*Sexy Female Journalist # 314 looks at The Rick in disgust before kicking him in the balls.*

LD: "I'm liking the new gimmick."

CD: "Me too...I really don't have to do much work. And the number of people who want to kick The Rick in th nuts is incredibly high."

*The Rick gets up and tries to figure out who kicked him in the nuts as the camera fades to black.*

[mooseheadjack]

[The Nerves Agent is walking down the hallway and peeks his head into Blitz's old locker room. The Crappy Closet. He sees a box full of Mountain Dew laying on the floor. He bends over and takes a few.]

TNA: Hmm, that's pretty cool. Free Dew. Lets see Rabbxt do some insane flips without his Mountain Dew high.

[Blitz comes around the corner looking for his partner.]

Blitz: Oh hey, Nerves. Come here.

TNA: Dude check this out. You want some Mountain Dew?

Blitz: Word. Where did you get this from.

TNA: I found them in your old locker room. The one that Rabbxt uses now. I totally stole them.

Blitz: Cool. I bet he's not as good without his Dew.

TNA: Not like he's good with his Dew, either.

Blitz: How true. That little prick.

TNA: Still bitter about him turning on you?

Blitz: Nah, I'm fine with that. He's always been a little prick though.

TNA: Haha, okay cool. You wanna go practice on our trampoline.

Blitz: Not before we play a tournament of Wii Tennis. I've been practicing. There's no way you can beat me now.

TNA: Haha, you are so on. You're dead.

Blitz: We'll see about that.

[They run off to their big, luxurious locker room.]

[mooseheadjack]

SFJ#44 finds Capellan just as he turns off OOWF-TV.

"Cap: anything to say about Stank's comments?"

"No."

"No?"

"No. I'm done talking backstage. I'm doing my talking in the ring."

[mooseheadjack]

**The Knife is sitting in a dark room, surrounded by lit candles.**

Knife: Capellan knows nothing of any significance. Hence his unwillingness to speak anything whilst not in thy ring. I, on the other hand, have many unspoken words of wisdom, which shall remain unspoken until the time comes to reveal them.

**Fade to black.**

[mooseheadjack]

Davin Moreland walks into the Run DLP Aquafina Locker Room. Phantos is on his trampoline. Lucios is nowhere to be found.

Davin: Hey P-Dawg!

(Phantos does a corkscrew somersault off the trampoline and lands beside Davin.)

Phantos: Whats up man?

Davin: (grabbing an Aquafina) I was thinking about finding some food, where's your boy Luc?

Phantos: I don't know man, he disappeared a while back and hasn't come in yet. I saw him on the OOWF-TV, and he looked pissed. I bet he's out blowing off some steam. He does that alot.

Davin: Maybe he's at a gym. That's where I go when I need to work off some anger.

Phantos: I'm not looking for him.

Davin: Why?

Phantos: I know better. If he's as upset as he looked, then the best thing to do is leave him alone. He's likely to hurt someone if they got in his way.

Davin: He won't do anything to us, were his friends!

Phantos: Man, he's swung at me more times than I can count. I learned to just let him stew, he'll calm down and be ready to roll come Wednesday.

Davin: Any idea how to go at Nerve Agent and Blitz?

Phantos: Yeah, we faced plently of high-flyers before. Nerve and Blitz don't present any new challenges. What about you? Ryan Hardcore again and now that 'E' guy in a triple-threat match. At least it's not for your Onslaught Championship.

Davin: I'm not woried, I've beaten Ryan within an inch of his life often enough to know his game. Mr. O'Mac presents a little bit of a challenge, but I'll do a little scouting and be ready for him. How about another round of Guitar Hero?

Phantos: You're on!

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan pokes his head into The Rick's office just as the ice delivery guy is leaving. The GM is sitting behind his desk, a relieved expression on his face. He clouds over as soon as he sees he has a visitor.

"Rick, got a minute?"

"I thought you told 44 you didn't have anything to say."

"To her, I didn't."

"Lucky her. What do you want?"

"I want to know when I'm getting my next one-on-one with Dragon."

"Kid, I told you if you did't win, you wouldn't get another -"

"Actually, you said if I lost, I wouldn't get another match."

"Bullshit."

"I have the OOWF-TV footage if you want proof."

Rick sighs.

"I hate you people. I'll see what I can do."

[mooseheadjack]

Seamus walks around into catering and sees The Dead wiping blood off his lip laughing at him

Seamus: "What the fuck happened to you?"

The Dead looks at Seamus with a look of disgust

The Dead: " Blind-sided by Rabbxt, didn't hurt just surprised The Dead"

Seamus: "What are we going to do about him? I popped him in the hall way but I'm starting to lose my patience with him..."

The Dead: " Yeah he blamed you..."

Seamus: "Wow, well I guess I provoked him"

The Dead and Seamus turn to the camera

Seamus: " Silly wabbit, tricks are for kids! You want to play? Then game on Furby, you think your extreme....wait until I hit you with a Celtic Cross and The Dead Closes The Casket on your high flying, mountain dew drinking, hiding behind firewoman's skirt silly little ass!

The dead reaches up and grabs camera, it twist toward the ceiling and fades to black

[mooseheadjack]

We see Firechild's warehouse, in darkness lit only by a single bulb (gimmick infringement) swinging wildly. We see devastation, and hear crashing, then we see Firechild, with his bag over hsio shoulder and his guitar case in one hand making for the door. A mysterious voice echoes from the shadows.

MV: Hold.

Firechild spins round, ready to fight, but sees Seraph step out from the darkness...

FC: Jesus....Sorry, Seraph, I don't mean to profane.

S: Worry not young warrior. Where are you going?

FC: You don't expect mme to STAY? To wait hand and foot on that arrogant, pampered villain?

S: You said you would, when you thought you could profit.

FC: But he cheated, Lance throew me off the ladder!

S: And I intervened to throw HIM off the ladder to ensure fair play. A deal is a deal Chris, and I'd hate to see you throw all your progress away through pride.

FC: Pride? Am I not allowed enough pride to refuse to bend my knee to the likes of Cappington?

S: No, but you should have enough pride to see through the consequences of your actions. Perhaps see this as a penance.

FC: For what? Ever since I left the Set I have fought for the right!

S: Have you really? You joined the Guild out of convenience, and coveted Concrete's title from his side, and your issue with Cappington is more about vengeance than justice. That is why you failed.

FC: I don't...

S: No, you never did and thats why your repentance and purgatory was never complete. If you wish to truly burn away the sins of your past, you must submit to this indignity and trust that in the end, light will prevail.

FC: ....

S: You do not understand. But you will.

Firechild's phone rings and he is startled and pulls it out his pocket. When he looks up, Seraph is nowhere to be seen.

He looks at the phone, and groans, but answers.

FC: Yeah, I know. (long pause, he seems to be considering something) I'll be there..... Sir.

[mooseheadjack]

<We see Moosehead Jack discussing something with F. Fonzworth MacCappington III. They seem to come to an agreement and shake hands. As Moose is walking away, SFJ13 catches up with him>

SFJ13: You appeared to be doing business with MacCappington, what is going on?

MHJ: Like I am going to reveal all that now. You, and everyone else will find out when the time is right.

Trust Me

[mooseheadjack]

Firewoman is tapping her foot with a growing level of irritation as she stands out side her locker room door, waiting for Rabbxt to get done in the shower.

The door opens as Rabbxt is finally done

FW: What the hell?

R: Problem?

FW: There's water and soap everywhere. What did you do, step out and shake like a dog?

R: Well, no.... er, not exactly.

FW: And what is that smell?

R: Axe Body Spray. Sexy, no?

FW: No.

R: Oh...well, maybe I'll just use the hose in my crappy closet to shower off from now on.

FW: Fine by me. Or the hotel shower.

R: Oh...yeah...

FW: Anyway, I wanted to give you this hands him sheet of paper that looks a lot like a schedule.

R: Uh...what is this?

FW: Our workout schedule!

R: Our....huh?

FW: Yeah...if we're going to be a team, we work out together. That way we can learn to anticipate each other's moves.

R: Oh...yeah....6pm...that's not too bad.

FW: No, that's 6 AM. In the morming. For Yoga.

R: Yoga?

FW: Yeah. Really good for flexibility and stamina.

R: Every morning at 6 am?

FW: Yeah....points to key things on the schedule. Then basically watching tapes until about 3-4pm and then it's back to the gym for weights 5 days a week, and then of course, your cardio...

R: Oh... of course....What's this at 10pm?

FW: More yoga.

R: More yoga? I'm going to need some more Mountain Dew.

FW: Oh yeah, about that... I totally get the caffeine fix need, but I think if we want to go far, you'll need to change your diet a bit. So if you turn the page over, you'll see your meal plan.

R: Meal plan?

FW: Well, it's not as drastic as all the ones you usually see. 6-7 smallish meals, balance of protein, carbs, fats, lots off good carbs..vegetables, fruits. Oh and this.

Firewoman hands Rabbxt some bizarre colored concoction in a GNC shaker cup. Rabbxt makes a face, but Firewoman insists:

Just try it.

R: What's in it?

F: Oh lots of good stuff. Water, of course (note you'll be drinking 80 oz of water a day), MuscleMilk Protein Powder and some fresh vegetable juice. sniffs at it I think this one is carrot. You like carrot right? I just guessed...given your name and all.

R: har har.

FW: No seriously!

R: Oh...well, yeah...I'll give it a try, I guess...

FW: Great.. I'll see you in the Yoga studio tomorrow morning, bright and early!

R: Yeah....

FW: Great...now I've gotta run.. I have to get ready for SMJ to come by for a promo.

R: Yeah....thanks....

Rabbxt walks away, looking down into his cup, unsure of whether to try it or not.

Firewoman calls maintenance

Hi, it's me. Can you please come up and disinfect my locker room? Thanks.

[mooseheadjack]

(CTG is watching Armageddon on his laptop. We can hear the commentary, suggesting he's watching Jericho/Orton. He frowns as the match comes to a close. He pauses the video and takes out his cell phone)

CTG: Chris? yeah it's me.... I see what you're talking about. I will speak to our GM this week.

[mooseheadjack]

[The Dead is at a training facility, working out in the ring. Androgynous Mic Stand just so happens to be walking by and sees The Dead.]

AMS: I was wondering if I could...

The Dead: If you could what?!? Annoy The Dead with your ridiculous cookie-cutter questions?

AMS: Umm, yes actually.

The Dead: Figures. Anyway, make it quick.

AMS: I'll try. There's alot to ask though. Teaming with Seamus, winning the gauntlet, feuding with the "nOObs", your match against The Defenestrators...

The Dead: Christ, this is gonna take forever, isn't it? Well, get started...

AMS: Okay, well, any comments about winning the gauntlet match last week?

The Dead: The Dead has said pretty much all he needs to say on that subject. You were all witnesses as The Dead stood victorious over five other challengers.

AMS: But what about the assistance from Firewoman and Rabb...

The Dead: Assistance? You think laying The Dead out in the middle of the ring was assistance? Next question.

AMS: But..oh, fine. After the match, everyone was in the GM's office demanding matches. What was that all about?

The Dead: Glad you asked. You see, The Dead calmly walked into the GM's office, wondering if he was impressed with The Dead's performance. All of a sudden Rabbxt runs in demanding that he be recognized as the greatest Iron Person Champion in history. Of course, this brought Blitz and Nerve in because you know they love themselves some petty drama. One thing leads to another and The Dead finds himself in a tag match with Seamus against The Defenestrators.

AMS: Wow, you just did my segue for me...

The Dead: Of course The Dead did, let's just hurry this up.

AMS: Ok, so, as a singles wrestler, how do you feel about entering a tag match with someone you're, umm, shall we say "less than fond of"?

The Dead: Easy. The Dead goes into every match, whether it be tag, singles, whatever, with the same mentality. The Dead goes in that ring to win. From what the Dead can see, Seamus seems to think the same way. We don't have to like each other. Hell, we don't like each other, but The Dead is confident that this week on Mayhem Team Dead Drunk will come out victorious.

AMS: Team Dead Drunk?

The Dead: Catchy, isn't it?

AMS: Well, I....

The Dead: Now get the hell out of here! I'm sure one of those lackeys like Nerve or Rabbxt would love some on-air time.

[Androgynous Mic Stand scurries away as The Dead goes back to his training.]

[mooseheadjack]

<Crete leaves the locker room and starts down the hall when he is met by Sexy Female Journalist 23>

SFJ23: Crete can I have a word with you?

CTG: Of course

SFJ23: It appears that you are right on the verge of some sort of career altering decision, speculation around the locker room is rampant, would you care to elaborate?

CTG:<taking a deep breath> Well it's like this. Some people have a purpose greater than others. And I feel like I have a message to get out to a ................

<the SFJ screams as two masked men attack Crete and beat him down to the ground. With Crete subdued, they pull him to his knees and hold his arms tight so he can't escape. F. Fonzworth MacCappington III walks into the scene>

FFM3: Well Crete, how the hell are ya? Look, I just wanted you to know that this is nothing personal, this is just business. BOY, come over here.

<Firechild appears next to MacCappington with a steel chair>

FFM3: Do it

FC: No

FFM3: Do I need to remind you who owns whom here? And more importantly, need I remind you what happens if I make a certain phone call

<Firechild glares at MacCappington with hatred burning in his eyes>

FFM3: Now do it

<Firechild looks helplessly at Crete, then swings the chair catching Crete square in the face, sending Crete sprawling in the floor. Firechild throws the chair aside and glares at MacCappington. MacCappington just laughs and orders him off, then pulls out a wad of bills and pays the masked men.>

FFM3: Thank you gentlemen. This should come in handy during this festive season.

<MacCappington turns to someone in the shadows>

FFM3: He's all yours

<Moosehead Jack walks out and slumps to the floor, next to Crete who is struggling to get his bearings, Moose grabs Crete's hair and forces him to look him in the eyes>

MHJ: Lots of rumors going around Crete, lots of rumors. Now, I know your pride hurts a lot right now. I am sure you think this was completely unprovoked. But lets not forget this summer in Rio. Whether anyone else believes it or not, YOU had a couple of men jump me to keep me out of that tournament. Let's just consider this me squaring things up before you leave for greener pastures.

And Crete, don't be a fool. I know you saw what happened last night, and I know it annoys you more than you will let on. You know what you are going to do, make it official already. You wanna be a hero, go do it somewhere else. The OOWF doesn't need heroes.

Trust me

<Moose gets up and leaves, letting Crete slump back to the floor in pain>

[mooseheadjack]

*Voltage and Ecosystem are walking*

Volt: Let me try to explain it this way. The officer on a ship who helps the captain is the first...

Eco: The first officer?

Volt: Also known as the first...

Eco: Lieutenant?

Volt: Or first...

Eco: Assistant to the captain?

Volt: No, first mate!

Eco: Are we talking about a gay cruise ship?

*Outback Jack runs up behind Eco and drops him with a Boomerang, then picks him up and hits a Chomp! Voltage stands by while OBJ casually opens a beer, drains it, and belches.*

OBJ: That was Australian for excuse me for interrupting your promo.

*OBJ strolls off*

Eco: I could have used a little help.

Volt: Sorry, mate.

[mooseheadjack]

**Rabbxt walks away from Fire, holding the strange substance in his hands. He sees The Dead finishing up a promo and watched on as he walks away.**

AMS: Ooh, Rabbxt! Tell me things into this microphone!

Rabbxt: I'd rather not...

AMS: But I have to know things about you!

Rabbxt: Ugh... What do you want to know?

AMS: EVERYTHING~!

Rabbxt: Alright... My real name is Evan. I enjoy seeing people come up with new ways to mock my wrestling name. I did my first standing back tuck at age 8. I broke my arm at age 10 when I botched a 630 off my garage. I'm 21 and single. I don't drink often. I used to sell drugs, but I quit after a close call with the law. I switched my drug addiction to a Mountain Dew addiction and can honestly say I can't stop...

AMS: There! Firewoman said no more Mountain Dew! What are you going to do!? OMG~!

Rabbxt: Calm down, anxious.

AMS: HAHA! Anxious! There's an "x" like in your name! Yay!

Rabbxt: You're freaking me out. Let's finish this. I'm still thinking about this whole thing with Fire. She's a cool chick but I don't know how long I'll be able to stand her layout. I'll try to stick with it, but I highly doubt it will last long at all.

**Rabbxt shoves the microphone away from his face and walks down the hallway to his closet for his Mountain Dew.**

AMS: I love you, Rabbxt! You're so sexy!

**Rabbxt arrives at his closet and opens it.**

Rabbxt: No Mountain Dew!? Did Fire do this!? Ah!

**Nerve and Blitz pass by.**

Nerve: Hey, Rabbxt.

Blitz: Having a tough time without your Dew?

Rabbxt: You fuckers! Give it back!

Nerve: No can do, bunny boy.

Blitz: Ha, bunny boy. That's a good one.

Rabbxt: You fuckers are asses!

**Rabbxt slams his closet door and storms away.**

Nerve: You fuckers are asses?

Blitz: Yea, I know. Who says that?

[mooseheadjack]

AMS walks into pub to find Seamus drunk and singing Danny Boy

Seamus:"....the pipes the pipes are calling"

AMS sees SFJ sitting at the bar watching Seamus

AMS: "Lisa what are you doing here?"

SFJ: " I'm with Seamus toad, move your in the way"

Seamus done with song stumbles over to bar

Seamus:" Hitting on my girl isn't very smart."

AMS: "What, huh no, I have a few questions for you Mr. McNasty"

Seamus: "Mr ahh, me father's not dead, so don't insult him."

AMS: " ohhhh sorry, I just left the gym and The Dead was working out..."

Seamus: " So am I and your interupting me, so buy me a drink or hit the bricks"

AMS motions to bartender for a round for them.

AMS: "So The Dead called your tag team with him Dead Drunk, what do you think?"

Seamus: " I don't care if you care us Sonny and Cher, Donnie and Marie, Peaches adn Herb, Hall and Oates or Rabbxt and his blow up doll...what matter's to be is drinking and fighting...and my drinks empty...."

AMS quickly orders another round...camera fades to black

Several hours later camera returns to pub to see Seamus, AMJ and Lisa singing " ABC it's easy as 123"

[mooseheadjack]

<Stank walks up to Flair's sandwich stand where he finds... Ox Baker?!?>

Stank - What the hell are YOU doing back here?

OB - I'm the special referee in your match with LD Williams.

Stank - ... What?

OB - ... I'm WORKIN FLAIR'S SANDWICH STAND OBVIOUSLY! What the HELL do you THINK I'm doin here?!?

Stank - sorry I asked.

OB - Flair cut a deal with Vince and has left his business here for me to run indefinitely.

Stank - Really?

OB - Actually he left it to it Tully Blanchard, but Tully knows next to nothin about making sandwiches... so they called me in.

Stank - After the piss poor job you did last time?

OB - Well... about that... they called someone in to help me out.

Stank - Who?

GR - These tomatoes ARE ROTTENNNNNN!!!!!!

Stank - ... is THAT... Gordon Ramsey??

OB - I hate the bastard.

GR - OX!! OX!!

OB - Yes chef.

GR - You've seen this kitchen, yes?

OB - Yes chef.

GR - Oh my God. Look at the mold. Look at this..

OB - Yes, chef.

GR - I can say... from the bottom of my heart... that this is without a doubt... the WORST conditions I have EVER witnessed in a dinning establishment. You, sir are a colossal fuck up! and I mean that with everything in me.

OB - It's just a sandwich stand.

GR - What did you say?? Just a sandwich stand did you say, yes?

OB - I mean what do you expect?

GR - What do I expect? ... I expect some FUCKING PASSION for what it is you do here, yes? Some FUCKING desire not to be a total fuck up. Some FUCKING PRIDE in your work man, yes?

OB - The customers don't complain!

<Ramsey pulls out an unlabeled jar filled halfway with a blue/green mixture.>

GR - Look at this jar of mayo I found in your fridge.

Stank - Oh that's it. I'm eating somewhere else.

OB - No. WAIT! Chef Ramsey! THIS guy makes some damn good sandwiches!

Stank - Well I...

OB - Oh don't be modest. Your sandwich KILLED.

GR - No surprise there considering the conditions here.

OB - I didn't mean literally.

GR - So you make a pretty good sandwich, yes?

Stank - No it's a damn good sandwich.

GR - Oh yeah? Well let's see what you got, big boy.

Stank - What did you call me?

OB - Don't take it personally! He calls a lot of people that!

GR - Yeah, don't be such a sensitive fuck. Get your ass in the back and make me this sandwich of yours.

Stank - HEY! LISTEN, I'm the OOWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! I am NOT a FUCKING sous CHEF!!

GR - I don't CARE if you're the FUCKING Wizard of OZ! Get your ass in THAT kitchen and make me that FUCKING sandwich!! Let's just SEE if it is as FUCKING GOOD as you CLAIM IT IS!!

Stank - ... You challenging me?

GR - Call it whatever the fuck you like.

<Stank slings his title over his shoulder, pushes Ramsey aside, and steps to the back.>

GR - All the fresh ingredients are to the side next to the jars of mustard!

<After a few minutes Stank walks out from the back carrying a Stankwich. He hands it to Gordon Ramsey who inspects it thoroughly before taking a bite. Ramsey is overcome with a look of pure ecstacy.>

GR - Holy SHIT!!

Stank - Eh? What did I TELL you?

GR - Oh my GOD! It's fucking BRILLIANT! You're hired!

Stank - What? Wait!

OB - Good. I'm going to go pick up more supplies.

Stank - Hold on! I've got a match to prepare for! I'm fighting LD Williams! I ain't got time to be-

OB - WATCH THE STAND!!

Stank - ... crap.

[mooseheadjack]

Sexy Male Journalist #1 and NinjaCam enter the OOWF Traveling Weight Room. Team RabbxtFire is working out. Firewoman is completing an impressive bench press set [1], with Rabbxt spotting her.]

SMJ1: Firewoman? I'm sorry to bother you, but you said to meet you here around this time.

FW: Oh yeah....It's Rabbxt's turn anyway.

Firewoman gets up, wiping sweat from her brow. She adds plates to the bar, because, men have more upper body strength than women, ya know. Rabbxt smiles unconvincingly at the added weight, and then lays down on the bench, flashing a pleading look towards the NinjaCam.

FW: And nice introduction of respect to yourself there, Bif.

SMJ1: But that's not....Never mind...I was wanting to get your thoughts about last week's match. You played an integral role in the break up of the Noobs.

FW: You know, if I never hear that word, "Noobs," again in relation to anything at all in my life, it won't be too soon. Look, I didn't break up the Noobs. Blitz and NervesAgent broke up the noobs. [2] All that blathering on about my girliness. I made a solemn promise to myself to cut out ALL negativity. I tried to explain it to them. But, you know how men are. They still didn't get it. No offense Rabbxt.

Rabbxt: struggling with the bar, as Firewoman is not paying attention to spotting him None taken.

FW: Rabbxt got it, eventually. Even TheDead got it. So we decided that at least one of us should win.

SMJ1: Yes, but then you helped Rabbxt win the Iron Ma glare from Firewoman ...er, Person championship from him.

FW: That's part and parcel of the Iron Person championship. TheDead understands that. (C'mon Rabbxt, two more....)

SMJ1: Turning ahead to this week's match against the Apocalyptic Bastards.

FW: My plan is to stick with my usual excellent wrestling performance. I've alreayd beaten SYB once, and Rabbxt and I have been working on some new stuff. As long as I stay focused, and wrestle my game, I've got no doubt that I'll win

Rabbxt: Finishing his set We.

FW: Right...WE will win. Apocalyptic Existence wrestles what, every 3 weeks? So between SYB's earlier loss, and Apocalyptic Existence's ring rust, I'd say the odds are in our favor. Still, we never take anything for granted. We'll be there, and we'll be ready

SMJ: And what about your title shot at the next PPV. Any word on that?

FW: *sigh* No, not yet, and I'm getting damn pissed about that. I won that title shot fair and square, and I'd like to know which title it is, RICK. I'm not some little girl to be pat on the head and appeased with an OOWF Magazine cover shoot. I'm a wrestler, RICK, so it's time you start treating me as one.

Okay, it's time to get going. Oh wait, one more thing.

Firewoman reaches off camera and gets a box wrapped in Christmas paper with a bow on it. This is for you, Rabbxt.

Rabbxt: takes the box hesitantly. This isn't more of that MuscleMilk Protein Powder is it?

FW: No.

Rabbxt: Please tell me it isn't a box of carrots....

FW: No, no, no....open it.

Rabbxt rips open the paper, expecting some sort of health food strangeness. But it is revealed to be: a 12-pack box of Mountain Dew.

Rabbxt: SWEET!

FW: To replace the one Blitz and Nerves stole. I didn't tell you to stop drinking them, I asked you to cut down.

Rabbxt: Awesome!!

FW: Merry Christmas, Rabbxt. Now let's go kick some Apocalyptic ass!!

[NinjaCam fades out].

________________
[1] Because I just hit a new personal best for bench press at the gym yesterday. Yay me!

[2] see McMahon, V. K. 1997.

[mooseheadjack]

Outback Jack is at the sandwich shop.

OBJ: Stank? What are you doing here?

St: I'm working here.

OBJ: Why?

St: Man, don't ask.

OBJ: Well, I'm hungry, what's good?

St: Here, I'll make you a stankwich. On the house.

OBJ: Sweet! (munch munch munch BRAAAAAAAAP!!!!) That was Australian for holy SHIT that was a damn good sandwich!

Just then, Viper walks in.

OBJ: Hey! You have my Intercontinental Championship! I'm taking it back tomorrow!

DV: I don't think so buddy. This is just a precurser to when I take the title from that fat friend of yours.

St: I AM NOT FAT! I'm just big boned.

OBJ: So what are you doing here? Are you going to jump me?

DV: Like I'm stupid enough to do that with Stank here. No. I'm just here because the guy I just beat for his championship and the guy I want to beat for his championship just happen to be at the same place. I figure, you know, opportune promo time.

OBJ: Yeah, that makes good sense.

St: That it does. So are you gonna buy a sandwich or what?

DV: No. LOADED's got our Wolfgang Puck catering for us. But speaking of which, I wanted to tell you that, since Flair's not around to manage the shop anymore, some guy decided to open up a new shop in direct competition with you.

St: Competition with me?

DV: Yup.

St: This ain't my shop...

DV: Then what are you doing working here?

St: Man, I...

DV: I don't understand why you as the World Champion with your bonus pay and main event PPV revenues need this minimum wage job just to get by.

St: Dude, I....

DV: I mean COME ON! I just want to beat you for the title RIGHT NOW to put the World Championship around someone who doesn't need a second job doing something a highschooler can do.

St: You fucking...

DV: But NOOOOO.... LD Williams gets the title shot. Meanwhile, I have to entertain your burping loser aussie friend because of a stupid rematch clause.

OBJ: I'm no loser!

DV: You were last week, bitch.

St: GodDAMMIT! SHUT UP! Ok, so what's the deal with competition to Flair's Sandwich Shoppe?

DV: Look over there.

A new stand has been erected. It says "Roma's Pretty Glorious Wraps." Standing at the booth is former Horseman, Paul Roma!

St: WRAPS?!?!?

DV: They're the healthy alternative.

St: Oh THIS is BULLSHIT!

DV: That's what I'm saying. All this time he says Flair is jealous of him, but he waits for Flair to dissappear to finally set up shop. Fucking pussy.

Just then, Capellan walks over to Paul Roma's wrap stand.

Cap: California Special, please.

PR: $28 please.

Cap: That's pricey.

PR: Price you pay for quality. (rubs his pretty glorious abs)

Cap: Holy SHIT this is good! And HEALTHY! You're right!

Viper walks over.

DV: Hey, Cap. That looks really good. Can I get a bite?

Cap: I wouldn't give you a bite of my sandwich when we were tag team partners. Why would I give you one now, benedict?

DV: Oh come on...

Cap: You HAVE money now, sell out. Buy your own.

DV: But I'm cheap....

Cap: Oh Stank. I'm going to win this Five Man Scramble this week. And I'm getting that world title next week. Just you watch.

Capellan leaves very happy with his wrap.

DV: Well, I gotta go.

St: Man, Tully's gonna kill me....

Ox: HEY! DID YOU JUST GIVE THAT AUSSIE A SANDWICH WIHTOUT MAKING HIM PAY?!?!

St: Yeah...

Ox: THAT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK!!!!

St: GodDAMMIT!!!