OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 04/02/08

[mooseheadjack]

**Fade In.**

**The OOWF Plane had landed. In the DEA Suites, Eric O'Mac - with new look - is throwing his ring gear into his room. He goes into the DEA Suites lobby and sees Alexis Darling.**

Eric: I'm going out.

Alexis: Where?

Eric: If you must know, I have an important meeting with a fellow OOWF Wrestler.

Alexis: Like who?

Eric: Chris Cole.

Alexis: Why?

Eric: Because this is Chris' war as much as it is mine. And besides, I shouldn't even speak with you...*LEXIE*.

Alexis: You aren't allowed to call me that.

Eric: But my mortal enemy, the one who fucking screwed me over this past Sunday, Davin Moreland is? Look, I didn't spend time in Japan, I can't relate to anything in your past or in Alex's past. I did all of my pre-OOWF work in the States and in Puerto Rico. So maybe you and I don't relate as well as you and him do. But I can't beleive you would set up so many meetings with the man who screwed your own stablemate out of a title. I mean, say what you want about me and Moose, but the fact is, he's never done anything to you and I'll make damn sure he doesn't do anything to you in the future. But with Davin? He fucking hates me. He fucking hates your brother. No good can come out of aligning with him. At least on Bennett's side, you have me. And while your dear brother, my best friend, has pissed off every one on Bennett's Army, they won't mess with him if you come to Bennett's side because of me. I won't allow it. People have had a vendetta against Rick for years - they didn't do anything about it until I said so.

Alexis: What I'm doing is business. It has nothing to do with personal feelings or friendships.

Alexander: You know, kind of how your arrangement with Bennett is purely business?

**Alexander walks into the room.**

Eric: I can understand business. But Alex, you told me yourself, this is not your war. It's mine. If it's not your war, then why choose a side at all? And if you're gonna choose a side, why choose the side that is opposite of mine?

You are free to choose up sides. But what happened to Rick, that's only the beginning. That's only the start. Pretty soon, Rick's fate will become everyone who aligns with Rick. Pretty soon, Rick's fate will mirror what will happen to everyone who is against Bennett.

Davin Moreland is full of shit. You know it, Alex, and I know it. And while I have not leveled with you 100% on this issue, you can be rest assured that it's better to be on my side than against me, friend.

Now if you two will excuse me, I have to go meet with 'The Main Event.' And then I have a match to get ready for. I may not win my title back, but I'm sure as hell going to send a message.

**With that, Eric walks out of the room. Alexander turns to Alexis.**

Alexander: He's meeting with Chris Cole?

**Fade out**

[mooseheadjack]

<Erlana is sitting at her desk after Stank left staring out the window over the frigid North Atlantic Ocean when there is another knock at the door>

E: Stank, I told you I don't feel like talking

Muffled Voice: It's not Stank

E: <almost disappointed> Oh, come in then. OH! Its you! What do you want?

<we hear someone walk in, but never see their face>

MV: You are looking for someone to take over as the GM right?

E: Well, yeah

MV: I have the experience

E: Ehhh yeah, your last stint didn't end so well. Beside, aren't you kind of on the wrong side in all of this?

MV: Look, what happened in the past is in the past. And let me worry about alliances and such, my ties there are not what they once were.

E: Dammit why are you holding that in front of your mouth?

<the camera pans around and we see Ecosystem standing there>

MV: Oh, well thats the only way I could get the whole "muffled voice" thing.

<fade>

[mooseheadjack]

Viper walks into Erlana's office as Ecosystem walks out.

DV: Hmm.. I guess that answers the Fonz's question of what Eco's been up to. *shrugs*

E: Donovan. What can I help you with?

DV: Donovan? Woah, since when did we get super-professional? What happened to the gushy stuff from back in the day?

E: Since I took the job. God, you don't know how stressed out I am these days. And you recent actions sure aren't helping.

DV: Sorry. Gotta do what I gotta do. So you're not working for Wally anymore?

E: No. I was a young college student looking to make ends meet. You think I was going to turn tricks forever? I've got a career now, you know.

DV: So you're working for OOWF? They pay the bills?

E: Yup.

DV: There's no way you're getting paid more than you were with Wally.

E: Well, you're right... But this is at least a respectable position that I can put on a resume.

DV: Respectable? This place?

E: Well, considering.... But yeah, I probably get paid half as much as I used to, but I feel better about myself, ok?

DV: Maybe it's not much coming from me, but I ain't one to judge. And hey, I always thought you did feel pretty damn good about yourself.

E: Heh, well, I did when I was with you.

*strange uncomfortable silence*

DV: So why'd you call me in here? Obviously it's not to rekindle the past...

E: Why'd you do it? Why'd you go out there and beat up Rick like that?

DV: He deserved it.

E: Ok, I won't ever be able to argue against that, but still. You keep talking about being out for yourself, but here you are latching onto LOADED, latching onto Bennett. Do you even know what you're getting yourself into?

DV: You know what? I really don't.

E: So you really just hate Rick that much?

DV: Oh come on. Like you really need to ask me THAT question.

E: Good point....

DV: Say, about this match with Capellan this week...

E: Do you think he's beneath you or something?

DV: No, it's not that at all. I just don't want to wrestle him.

E: No?

DV: No. I don't. I'll wrestle anyone else. Not him.

E: You're a wrestler, Donnie. Do you damn job.

DV: We have history. If... If anything, make it a PPV match or something. Build up to it, whatever.

E: Donnie, we're having our first event in Iceland. It's a really important show. I'm treating this show like it's a PPV. So really, that's a poor argument.

DV: Listen. I just lost the most heartbreaking match in my career. I've got a slew of emotions going through my head. The last thing I want to do is face Capellan right now.

E: Suck it up, Donnie.

DV: Wanda...

E: No. Don't call me that anymore. I just go by Erlana now. And you're wrestling Capellan. That's final. If you don't want to wrestle, you can go ahead and forfeit the match, but don't expect ANY title shots with ANYONE in the future if you do that.

DV: Shit... Fine. You got me.

E: Good. And don't half ass it either. You guys are great performers. Give those Icelanders a show bigger than Bjork, ok?

DV: I can do that...

E: Hey... with this war going on. You know that means you and I, we're on opposite sides now, right?

DV: Yeah.

E: Just promise me something, ok?

DV: What?

E: In this war we're having. Don't treat me like you do the SFJs.

DV: Have I ever?

E: No. You've always been good to me. Which I never understood, since you're pretty much an asshole to everyone else.

DV: What can I say. You were always good to me.

E: Ok, we're not going there again.

DV: Right.... Hey, I got something else to ask.

E: Yeah?

DV: How come you never told me about Stank?

E: Wait... How do you know that?

DV: I just watched the promo.

E: Where? We're not broadcasting the promos on the plane!

DV: I got the show streaming on my beautiful new Apple iPhone. Check this out.

Erlana looks into the beautiful Apple iPhone and sees herself on the screen looking at Viper's beautiful Apple iPhone.

E: Well I'll be damned... I really gotta get rid of these Invisible Ninja Cameramen.

DV: So you... Stank...

E: Yeah, we had a thing. So what? That had nothing to do with you.

DV: He was a customer of Wally's too?

E: No that was just me and him. No business involved.

DV: Oh... well...

E: Sorry. That was long time ago. And it has nothing to do with you and me.

DV: Yeah... huh... One last question... Who was better? Me or him?

E: Heh.... He's pretty damn good, I have to say... But when it came to... that. You're the champ.

DV: FINALLY! I BEAT STANK AT SOMETHING! WOOHOO! Thanks, babe!

Viper gives Erlana a kiss on the cheek and walks out of Erlana's office with a smile on his face. As he runs up the aisles and heads back to the LOADED cabin, he yells towards the Drink & Destroy area of the plane.

DV: THAT'S RIGHT STANK! I'M BETTER THAN YOU!

ST: What's that fool yelling about now? I must have beat him retarded or something....

[mooseheadjack]

*Fade in to Isafjordhur Arena’s boilerroom. Moosehead Jack sits in the middle of the room with his head in his hands. He is clearly distraught. As the bare lightbulb that hangs from the ceiling swings back and forth, three other figures can be seen at the edges of the darkness. One of them has very nice legs. The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth emerges from the shadows to speak to Moosehead Jack…

DM: Jack, we can’t stand here forever. You need to make a decision.
MHJ: I know, I know, but it’s really hard.

*snickers from the darkness*

MHJ: Skurge, Solly – making this decision is hard, you jackasses. God, I don’t know why I agreed to let a couple of 12-year-olds join me.
DM: Well, you did, and now you have to live with that. You also have to make a decision. I want to know what team your faction – our faction, too, might I remind you – is backing in the tag tournament. IHOP’s with you, so logic dictates that you should be with us. That’s not what I’m hearing, though.
MHJ: Look, I told you. This decision is really…difficult. All five teams are good. Phantos & Lucios are the champions, and the Midnight Sons have the best record, so those two are at the top of my list right now. The other three teams just seem to keep getting better, though, so I don’t know what to do. BAD just beat the Midnight Sons at OOWF Madness IV. IHOP looked really good against Blitz & Voltage. The Heels have come back really strong. I might just have to wait to see who wins the tournament before I decide.
DM: Wait to – Jack, I’m looking for support now to make sure IHOP’s opponents don’t cheat. My guys are the best team in this thing, but they need a level playing field to prove that. With the backing of the rest of our group, that can be assured.
MHJ: Look, I’m sorry Dorothy, but this really isn’t my strong suit. I usually like to see how things turn out before I decide who to back. Give me some more time. I’ll try to make a decision before IHOP’s first match in the tournament.

*The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth turns and storms out of the room with Skurge and Solly in her wake. She can be heard to mutter something about picking teams and sticking to them…

*FADE*

[mooseheadjack]

The OOWF team has finally made it after a long tension-filled flight to their final destination. Wrestlers and staff have filed into their assorted hotel rooms and crashed. We have an interior shot of one such darkened hotel room, where someone is sleeping soundly after such an ordeal.

Until there is a timid knock on the door. The figure doesn't stir. The knock is louder, and a voice calls through the door

V: Um...Ms. Erlana?

The figure stirs....The person knocks louder.

V: Ms. Erlana, we need you. There's been an... uh, incident.

Erlana sits up, grabs her robe, and staggers sleepily to the door. She opens the door, blinking at the light in the hallway as she faces the very nervous production assistant who drew the short straw to come get her.

E: What kind of incident?

PA: There's been a fire ma'am. In one of the storage areas.

E: Anyone hurt?

PA: No ma'am. It was put out relatively quickly. But there was some OOWF property damaged.

E: Oh great. What.

PA: Not sure right now, that's why we need you to come down. It looks like mostly paper stuff...all of our promotional photographs for the trip, including the posters.

E: All of them???!!! Geez, it'll cost a fortune to reshoot all those.

PA: I'm really sorry I had to bother you....I know it was a long tense flight.

E: Your first, eh? Yeah, shoving a bunch of over-aggressive over-tired wrestlers into the same plane is always a joy. This one was actually mild, no one attacked anyone, but as we get longer into the tour, that is bound to change. Okay, I'll be down to see the damage in a minute. Did anyone go to get Davin?

PA: I'm headed there now. I'm ... kinda nervous about it.

E: It'll be fine. Let me get dressed, I'll go with you.

Scene changes to the storage area where a large pile of what was once promotional photos and posters lie black and charred, and damp from the fire supression system. The pile still has whisps of smoke circling out of it. Erlana, Davin, and a handful of staff are standing around, surveying the damage to see if anything can be retrieved.

DM: Well, this is just great.

E: It could have been worse, I guess. We can reshoot the photos, get posters remade. It'll cost a fortune to get a rush order on them. Good thing the ones for Wednesday were sent ahead to Iceland.

DM: Why didn't we do that for all of them again?

E: Plot device?

Kayfabe weeps

E: I mean, too expensive. Okay, I have some phone calls to make.

Erlana goes back to her room to start damage control.

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster are walking thru the hallway of the OOWF hotel in Iceland, Johnny on a cell phone relaying scores to AA, who is eating a sandwich.]

JA: Pirates 12-11 over Atlanta. So much for that under.

AA: [with mouth full] Sufubetch! Whodufick duda Baves tink day are?

JA: Don't remind me. [hangs up phone]

[As The Heels proceed down the hall Ecosystem pops out from his room.]

AA: [swallows bite of sandwich] Hey! Eco!

Eco: [turns around] Oh boy. What?

AA: Me and you. We have a problem.

Eco: We do?

JA: You do? Eco didn't vacate the titles.

AA: See, last time I checked, you were pallin' around with Roy Hibbert. Distracting him from issues at hand!

Eco: You talking about the Georgetown game, I presume? Well, let me tell you...

AA: No, no, no... let me tell YOU something. That's sticking your nose in my business, because I had a wad of cash riding on the Hoyas and to lose to Davidson?? You kidding me?

JA: Oh, Davidson? I had them.

AA: ...I'm gonna.... [hears Johnny and turns around] What?

JA: Davidson. Wildcats. Out of Charlotte. I had them beating Georgetown.

AA: Bullshit.

JA: No, seriously... [pulls a bracket out of his pocket] ...right here. Wisconsin, too. They weren't flying under my radar.

AA: You son of a bitch! You were holding out on me!

JA: I tried telling you that Curry played like he was 30, was actually 20, but looked like he was 10, but you went blabbering on about JT3 and Hibbert and Wallace, and I knew there wasn't gonna be any convincing you otherwise.

AA: Nevertheless, Eco, I still lost... [AA turns around and Eco is long gone] HEY! I WAS TALKING TO YOU!

JA: No, you were talking to me, Alan.

AA: SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHNNY!

[AA storms off, stuffing his face with a sandwich, as Johnny chuckles at him and follows suit.]

[mooseheadjack]

Damon: “Hey you want to go get breakfast or dinner or whatever?”

Seamus: “No, I’m going to bed…I've had it”

Damon: “Come on”

Seamus” “Piss off”

Damon: “Dude, who pissed on your Wheaties”

Seamus: “ Enough is enough! I have had it with those motherfucking wrestlers on that motherfucking plane!

[mooseheadjack]

*Isafjordhur, Iceland – OOWF Arena*

Inside the DEA suites, Firewoman walks out of her private room into the suite area. Alexis and Alexander are in an intense conversation, but stop when she enters.

Firewoman: Man, I had the strangest dreams on that flight. I dreamed that the Easter bunny was wandering around leaving black roses everywhere, while riding a moose up the aisle… or… something…..she yawns but I feel great now.

She notices that neither Alexis nor Alexander appear particularly interested in what she has to say.

Fine then; I’m going to the coffee bar. Firewoman leaves.

Alexander Darling: Look, Lexie, all I’m saying is that I can handle Davin. I don’t need you playing go between, and I don’t need you setting up secret meetings.

Alexis Darling: My dear brother, we are just going to have to agree to disagree on this. I’m looking out for all of us and right now I think it’s the right...

Alexander: Well, I don’t think it is and I thought I did have some say in what goes on around here.

Firewoman comes back into the suite with coffee.

And just where the hell did you go after we got in last night? I heard the door shut. So help me, if you are working behind my back with Moose or Dead or….

Fire: Or what Alex? I thought we were done with this whole over-controlling thing you have going on. And for your information, I didn’t go anywhere, I was exhausted. Too many people bothering me on that plane ride Did you wake up on the paranoid side of the bed, or something?

Before Alexander can provide his typical angry, smartass retort there is a knock on the door and Firewoman answers it after giving a dirty look to Darling. The bellboy is standing there with a box.

Bellboy: This was delivered to the front desk for Alexander Darling, Executive Director of the Darling-Eric Agency?

Fire: Bring it on in.
She intently watches the fine Icelandic lad bring the heavy box in and sit it on the table. She whispers, There ya go Lexi…er, A-lex-is. Take that one. He’s a Viking and he’d probably be one in bed too.

Alexis just glares at her. The bellboy appears not to have heard and goes about his business of waiting for a tip. Alexander gives a small glare to Firewoman as well, but then proceeds to open the large package. As he does, his eyes focus on the words “Amontillado.” His entire body tenses as he slowly pulls the large bottle of the fine expensive sherry out of the box.

Fire: Sweet. Free booze!

Alexis: DO NOT TOUCH THAT. Lisa, it’s, I…

Alexis just stops talking mid-sentence and drops down onto the couch and Firewoman is looking at her like she’s completely lost it. She looks over to Alexander to try and find out what’s going on.

]Alexander: It’s a cask of amontillado, Fire.

Fire: And that’s supposed to mean what exactly? It looks like a damn expensive bit of liquor, I’ll give you that, but still.

Alexander: NO!!!!!!! Damn, have you never read anything? Have any culture whatsoever? “The Cask of Amontillado;” it’s a fucking short story…

Fire: And I’m still in the dark here. What does a short story have to do with this?

Alexander:: Who do you think?

As the realization creeps over Firewoman, Alexis tries to crawl inside the couch. Alexander snaps around and attacks the bellboy, knocking him over, landing on top, and holding his collar with his left hand, while punching with his right.

Alexander: Who sent this!?! How did it get here!?!

Before he can hit the bellboy a third time, Firewoman grabs a large handful of Darling’s hair and
pulls him back. Darling crashes against the wall, and Firewoman shakes a small clump of hair from her hands.

Fire: Stay put.

Firewoman takes a moment, looks around methodically, and runs into the bathroom. There is a
loud sound of something banging against pipes. She comes out with a large cup of water and throws it on the bellboy’s legs, drenching his pants. She approaches Darling and says, matter-of-factly,

Give me your wallet.

Darling doesn’t respond.

Give! Me! Your! Wallet!

He hands it to her and she takes a large wad of cash out of it. She picks the bellboy up by the
collar and heads for the door.

In almost a scared, timid voice…
Alexis: Wh…What are you doing? Where are you going?

Fire: Cleaning up. Right now I’m going to escort this poor soul down to talk with his manager about the leak in our bathroom that’s so dangerous that he slipped on it and gave himself a black eye, right Sven?

Firewoman shoves the cash in the bellboy’s pocket, and he nods in agreement. She leaves without a further look at the Darlings. After she leaves, she hears a loud crash from inside the room and we see a broken bottle of blood red sherry pouring down the wall and we see Alexis and Alexander simply look at each other.

*Fade to red*

[mooseheadjack]

**L.D. Williams is preparing for his title match when Sexy Female Journalist #23 approaches.**

SFJ#23: “L.D., how do you feel about the latest turn of events in the war for the OOWF?”

LD: “How do I feel? How do I FEEL? I FEEL…like a foot soldier. A grunt. A walking cliché – I’m on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know. But most of all, I feel tired of being fed crap. I joined Bennett because I didn’t want to be part of the herd waffling back and forth. I joined Bennett to be on-side with Moose. I did NOT join Bennett to be a mushroom.”

SFJ#23: “Does this mean you’ve decided to change sides?”

LD: “Of course not. If nothing else, I’m a man of my word. I’m a team player. That’s why I can stand in the same ring with the Heels and not staple their faces to their non-existent nutsacks. That’s why I can stand side-by-side with Brother Donnie and not throttle him. But, my so-called allies are running out of lines to cross, which is going to start mattering a great deal soon.”

SFJ#23: “Soon?”

LD: “Soon. This week, outside of this conversation, I haven’t given a thought to Bennett, Moose, Eric, Brother D, the DEA, or any of the rest of it. My only focus has been taking that World Title from Stank.”

SFJ#23: “You’ve had a number of shots at Stank in the past. Why do you believe this one will be different?”

LD: “It has to be. Bennett is obviously lining up the challengers – it’s only a matter of time until I lose my spot. I need to take the title while I can – for the good of the OOWF.”

SFJ#23: “Why is it for the good of the OOWF?”

LD: “If I get turfed back into midcard limbo…I will make Alexander Darling’s run of making enemies seem like a quaint little character quirk. I will shred this company – Rick’s, Bennett’s or otherwise. There won’t be an OOWF when I’m done.”

SFJ#23: “…”

LD: “Now, go away. I have a match to get ready for.”

[mooseheadjack]

It is the day of the first overseas Mayhem of the tour. In the DEA suites, Alexis is sitting catatonic on the couch. The rest of DEA is nowhere to be seen at first, then the door opens from the hallway, and Firewoman comes in with Lucky in tow. She’s carrying a brown bag.

FW: A-lex-is. Where is everyone?

A: Out.

FW: … oh-kay……

L: You want me to put this in your room?

FW: Not all of it.

Alexis comes back to reality for a bit

A: A spending spree? Really?

FW: No, but thanks for your confidence in me. I told Alexander I’d control the spending, and I meant it. Those of you who have always had money are so concerned about losing it, sheesh. [Alexis glares] These were just a few things I need. Here, I’ll show you.

A: If it’s from that sex toys store we passed, no thanks.

FW: [ignoring her] My anti-anxiety prescription …. Some Norwegian death metal for the flight. This store had a great selection….

A: How did you get a prescription filled in a different country?

[Fire shoots her a look]

FW: With the right bit of street knowledge, Alexis, one can find anything, anywhere. Oh, and batteries. Gonna be a long five months.

Firewoman wiggles her eyebrows. Alexis rolls her eyes.

FW: Lucky, you can take that stuff in my room, but don’t hang around in there. [Lucky leaves with Firewoman’s purchases.] I was looking for The Nerves Agent for some good old fashioned trash talking, but couldn’t find him. Someone said he went straight from the plane to his room and hasn’t come out since. Maybe he’s never been away from home before. Alexis? Did you hear me?

A: I’m sorry Fire. I’m just. On edge.

FW: I see that. [She walks gently over and sits down next to Alexis is sitting on the couch, and sits next to her.] Hey, how long has it been since you’ve done any training?

A: Probably since before you left.

FW: Well, might be a good time to pick it back up again. You never know when it’ll come in handy. I mean, you still have a wicked chair shot, but unless you’re planning on carrying a chair around with you everywhere, that’s not going to be enough.

A: I don’t think my brother would like that. And who around here would he trust to work with me?

FW: Well…. I could help you.

A: You. Really.

FW: Sure, why not.

A: He definitely wouldn’t go for that. He doesn’t really trust you either.

FW: Who says he has to find out?

Alexis thinks for a moment

A: Why? What’s in it for you? And don’t say “nothing” because I know you. You never do anything if there isn’t something in it for you.

FW: Fine. I need your help. With this. [She shows her the contents of a second paper bag.]

A: Oh, you’re kidding me.

FW: No I’m not. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t want to screw it up.

A: Seriously?

FW: Look, if this does what I think it will, we could both be getting out of a certain date in May. So yeah, that’s what’s in it for me.

A: Okay. I’m in. Where?

FW: Meet me in my locker room at the arena in 30 minutes?

A: Sure, I … wait, really? I thought that was off limits to everyone?

FW: Special limited-time offer. You’re either with me or you're taking your chances alone. But I'm telling you, Alexander is a mess, and he's not thinking straight. I'm your only other hope, Lex-

A: Don’t call…

FW: FINE, A-lex-is. [She reaches out and gently brushes some of Alexis’s hair back from her eyebrow, holding onto the lock of hair a bit while she talks, before gently releasing it.] You know, you were a lot more fun when you were a blonde. Just sayin’.

A: ….

FW: ….

A: Okay, even though this sounds like a spider asking the fly back to her lair, I’ll meet you there. Let me call Alex…

FW: Um, maybe don’t tell Alexander just yet. Not everything. Just tell him you’re heading to the arena with Lucky and me.

A: Sure, I guess.

FW: Okay, see you there.

[mooseheadjack]

<Moose is watching Williams promo and catches him as he leaves>

MHJ: I like the intensity

LDW: You expected anything else?

MHJ: From you? No. You know I have your back right?

LDW: I know, at least, I know you say you do

MHJ: Whats that supposed to mean?

LDW: How many times did Viper interfere? I could have been the champ already

MHJ: You really want me at ringside? Just say it. I stayed away because WHEN you do it, I don't want anyone questioning it because I was out there, and you know they would. You don't need me to win that title.

LDW: No. I was serious about what I said. If I get shuffled to the back.....

MHJ: Look, Eric and Cole are handling things right now, and you know Cole is going to want a crack at that title. I know Bennett has a ton of faith in you, but you're right, the title shots won't come forever. But you're not going to need them forever.

LDW: All I need is one more. If I can get a clean match against him, I can win that title.

MHJ: Look LD, I know Darling has been making a lot of noise, and if Moreland, or whoever is running Rick's part of the show has a brain in their head, they will come after you HARD

LDW: Screw them, I said I had your back, and in turn Bennett too. If I do anything, it will be to do my own thing, not turn my back on anyone.

MHJ: Look, all I am saying is this, if you WANT me out there to keep Viper or anyone else out of the ring, I am there. And no bullshit. I have nothing against Stank, and I am not going to taint your win by interfering. You want it, you let me know

LDW: What about Crete? He's going to be out for blood

MHJ: Nothing new there, that will take care of itself as well.

<LD gives Moose a strange look and they walk off>

[mooseheadjack]

*Wally B King is walking and talking on his cell phone*

WBK: Right, darling, it seems like Drink and Destroy is still staying neutral for now. But if I can help you out with anything not related to the war, don't hesitate to ask...Moreland?...Sure, I'll remind him.

*WBK walks into the hotel's business center, where Curt "The Golden God Schilling" is busy updating his blog and Davin is working through a stack of papers.*

WBK: Hey, Davin! What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.

DM: Yeah, the coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Erlana talked to me about it.

WBK: Yeah, uh, did you get that memo?

DM: Yeah, I got the memo. And I understand the policy. The problem is, I just forgot this one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even a problem anymore.

WBK: It's just that we're putting the new coversheets on the TPS reports "before" they go out now. So if you could remember to do that, that'd be great.

[mooseheadjack]

Phantos is texting away on his Sprint PCS Phone inside the RUN DLP Aquafina Locker Room.
Phantos: Hey Luc, I need to go to the airport again.

Lucios: OK.... Why?

Phantos: Emma's flight is arriving soon.

Lucios: I still can't believe she agreed to come on tour with you. She barely knows you.

Phantos: I wish Erlana would have let her on the OOWF flight. Alexis got to come on the plane. Wally too. Why can't She be part of our entourage?

Lucios: Whatever. Just make sure the dog doesn't make a mess in here this week.

(Spirios comes running into the room. Phantos picks him up and pets him.

Phantos: You ready to go get Emma boy? Are you?

Spirios: BARK!

Lucios: Just be here in time for Mayhem. This crap with Our Tag Team Championships has me on edge. Vacating our titles. What was Rick thinking?

Phantos: He's been stressed lately, and he had the match with Moose on his mind.

Lucios: Still a rematch, in a cage, even Hell in a Cell would have been better options. But losing the titles in a no-contest? Crap. Nothing but Crap. Go. Take the Limo. Just be ready to roll tonight.

[mooseheadjack]

Phantos walks out of the Run DLP Aquafina Locker Room walking Spirios on his leash. A Randomly Numbered Sexy Female Journalist comes in the open door and approaches Lucios:

RNSFJ: Any comments on your match this week with The Midnight Sons?

Lucios: Spin, DH, you two are the best team we have faced in our 9 month tenure here. We tore the house down for a month in our best of 7. Tonihgt, I expect nothing less than a Match of the Year candidate... again. Once Phantos and I reclaim our rightful place as Tag Team Champions; Magnusson, Hansen, you have an open invitation for a Championship match whenver you want. But this week is step 1 in our quest to take back what we rightfully own. The Double O Double U F World Tag Team Championships. An No One will stop us.

[mooseheadjack]

*Scheme Gene is interviewing OBJ*

SG: Outback Jack, what do you have planned for Ryan Hardcore?

OBJ: Time to get back to basics. He can't hide behind a 3rd man this week at Mayhem. If Lauren Phoenix wants to get involved, well, lets just say that Wally knows how to handle her kind. That will let me take care of business and send a message to the rest of the OOWF.

SG: Speaking of taking care of business and sending a message, I've got details about a OOWF superstar who didn't put a coversheet on his TPS reports. Did he get the memo? Call the hotline to find out! Kids, don't bother to get your parents permission to call!


OOC: OK, I'll go sit in the corner now (TM GatorBait)

[mooseheadjack]

<Stank is roaming the halls of the arena where he runs into LD Williams and Moosehead Jack.>

Stank - Moose.

MHJ - Stank.

Stank - Williams.

LDW - Champ.

Stank - Moose could you give me a minute here with your boy?

<Moosehead Jack taps fists with LD Williams, then heads over to LJ Bennett's office.>

LDW - You here to wish me luck in our match?

<Stank gingerly massages his healed arm and shoulder almost subconsciously.>

Stank - Look LD, you and I have fought each other enough to know that IF you beat me... luck will have nothing to do with it.

<LD Williams shifts his weight as he considers Stank's words.>

Stank - But the question is... the question that has been nagging me since you and I have fought one on one... is if I beat you... will luck have a hand in it?

<LDW smirks.>

Stank - Now a win is a win, regardless, but I'm only telling you this so you will KNOW that I am not a complacent champion. I have a stake in our match ALMOST as big a retaining this title. And that is my determination to beat YOU in the middle of that ring, so that I know, that I know, that I know, that LUCK had NOTHING to do with it. No outside interference, no shenanigans. And hopefully by the end of the night, YOU will know... I beat you too.

LDW - Fair enough.

Stank - Oh now you say that... but I caught your little promo with Donnie Vipes where he offered to interfere on your behalf so his ass can get another shot at the World Title.

LDW - Brother D and I were just talking.

Stank - Just talking? You said you wouldn't be opposed to his helping you out.

LDW - AND WHY SHOULD I BE...?

<Stank recoils a bit at Williams intense outburst.>

LDW - EVERY time I have had you... EVERY TIME I am a SECOND AWAY from BEATING YOU for THAT BELT... the BREAK has fallen YOUR WAY!! Whether it is other men getting involved, or YOU falling the right way out of a cage, count outs, refs not paying enough attention to their DAMN JOB... YOU! YOU CATCH ALL THE BREAKS!! Well I'M SICK OF IT! You say you're determined to prove to me you can beat me...? I KNOW I can beat YOU! And YOU know it too! So COME HELL or HIGH WATER, if the break comes MY WAY... I WELCOME IT! IF THAT is what it takes for me to FINALLY hold the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP... then that's what it takes.

Stank - ...

LDW - ...

Stank - ... You think you're the only one sick of it? You THINK I enjoy the no contests, the disqualifications and the count outs...? It EATS at me! Two years ago you and I fought one on one for the first time. It was at THAT year's Invitational, if I'm not mistaken. In that match, you nearly tore my arm from its socket, but I wouldn't tap... I passed out from the pain... and YOU won the match. It was the most humbling loss I have ever had in my time in the OOWF. Out of all the losses I've had THAT is the one I want back. Yes, I've held victories over you since then... but I haven't gotten THAT satisfying win back. In our last one on one... you nearly did it again... I wasn't going to tap, but I was determined not to pass out either... then Viper injected himself into the situation... and you know the rest.

I may hold the title... but your frustration is matched by my own... believe that! So I'm not going to wish you luck... oh no. The only thing I have left to say... is may the best man win.

<Stank extends his hand, and LD hesitates a beat or two, then accepts. They shake hands a moment before LD pulls Stank in close.>

LDW - Don't worry, Champ... I WILL.

<Camera fades>

[mooseheadjack]

*The camera fades in to a dark, cramped room that is lit be a single candle.*

Blitz: Seriously, why the fuck do we have to stay in the broom closet?

Voltage: Because Carl from Fresno needed a new locker-room.

B: Goddamn it, can you imagine what will happen when that Mark Vander guy comes back into the OOWF. Our locker-room will be the streets then. Anyway, who are we facing this week?

*Voltage squints at a piece of paper.*

V: I can’t make out what it says here.

B: Fuck. We need to buy ourselves a decent locker-room. Where can we get money?

V: We could get a sponsor. It worked very well for Run DLP.

*Blitz gets out his Sprint cellphone, and has a heated conversation with what we assume is an executive.*

B: For some reason, none of the major brands would sponsor us. But I managed to work out a deal with a pretty awesome company.

V: Who?

B: Viper Buttplugs.

V: Do we get free merchandise every time we say Viper Buttplugs?

B: Yep.

V: Sweet!

[mooseheadjack]

F. Fonzworth MacCappington gets off the phone.

FFM3: DONNIE! GOOD NEWS!

DV: You managed to get me a championship match?

FFM3: No...

DV: You managed to get me out of this match against Capellan?

FFM3: No.

DV: Then what is it?

FFM3: We've got a new source of revenue. This time thanks to you!

DV: How is that?

FFM3: Well, you know how when you signed the agreement to join LOADED that you would let me handle the liscensing of your name and the business aspect and just for that you'd get 50% of the profit?

DV: Yeah?

FFM3: Well, you and I now have some supplemental income.

DV: Nice. What's the product?

FFM3: Well, it's... um... JEEVES! CAN YOU GET US SOME CHAMPAGNE?

Jeeves: Yes, sir.

FFM3: So anyways, about getting you another title shot....

[mooseheadjack]

An Invisible Ninja Cameraman sneaks into an unmarked locker room. Inside, we see Attitude Adjuster, Johnny Adrenaline, FFC III and Stank sitting around a table playing cards, drinking beer and having an animated conversation.

AA: And then Johnny grabbed the chair from the 14-year-old girl and smashed it over Sam Houston's head!

JA: I never thought that girl would grab her brother's chair and clobber me. She swung a mean chair!

AA: And probably saved Houston's career.

(The others stare at AA for second before all bursting out in laughter.)

FFC: Sam Houston's "career"! Oh, Gawd, that's a good one!

Stank: It sounds like you guys had a great time away from the OOWF. But we're glad you're back.

JA: Looks like you guys did well on your own. Stank, the World Champ. Capslock, what a gimmick!

FFC: Yeah, it's pretty cool. But despite it all, we're still not making the cash like we were when it was D&D vs. TCH. Two-time match of the year, gimmicks of the year, angles of the year. We were beyond Styling & Profiling!

Suddenly, a chair mysteriously falls over, then the door opens and slams shut by itself. Yet we continue to see the locker room scene.

Stank: Got damn Ninja Cameramen! Can't even have a private conversation around here anymore.

AA: Ahh, it was just a matter of time before they found out about the OOWF Clique.

FFC: No way! If we wanted them to know, we would have done a Madison Square Garden when you guys left. The clique stays private.

JA: So when are you guys reuniting so we can bring the house down again?

Stank: Not sure. Maybe you guys attack us separately and we're forced to team with each other for a few one-night only deals?

AA: Let's think on it some more. Meanwhile, it's good to be back.

FFC: I LOVE YOU GUYS!

The foursome reaches across the table for a very unmanly group hug as the scene fades to black.

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland is on his SPRINT PCS PHONE~!~!~~!!~! in the GM's Office*

DM: Yeah...listen, now's prolly not the best time to talk about that...It's not important...Fuck you, I had nothing to do with that...uh huh...Well, I was leaving toward Erlana...Stop laughing...She's better than you are lately...Yeah, I said it...Well, that's why I was checking I mean, we have a match and all tonight...That would be weird...Fine, that makes sense...All right...Yeah, I was, I thought it went pretty well...Well whatever...it's not like they're all jumping at the opportunity. You haven't really inspired a lot of confidence of late...Well, we can worry about that when you get back...Oh that? Well, we're going through the surveillance tapes now, it wasn't anything we couldn't handle...No...No I used mine...Well, whatever, to me, it's all the same...All right...Get better, Rick.

*He clamps the phone shut*

E: So, what'd he say?

DM: He said he backs you too.

E: Goddammit.

DM: Listen, after tonight, I'll talk to Eco and see if he wants to step in too. Hell, Stank too, why not? Christ, 4 people has to be better than 2, right?

E: Maybe. Hey listen, you should talk to LD Williams.

DM: About what?

E: About us. Our side.

DM: Y'all must be crazy. He's Bennett's #1 Bitch.

E: He WAS.

DM: Fine, I'll talk to him, but don't expect much.

E: Listen, if you don't talk, they can't accept, ya know?

DM: A fair point, Erlana. That's what makes you such a good GM.

E: Fuck you.

DM: And so even-tempered too. All right, I'm off in search of LD, listen, if you hear from Stank, keep trying to convince him to help us, huh?

E: What about Crete?

DM: What ABOUT Crete?

E: You want to bring him in on this as well?

DM: Why in the blue fuck would I want to do that?

E: Umm, he's a supporter of Rick...

DM: He's also a godammned freak show. Trust me, if Crete were brought in on this, you'd see a bunch of people jumping ship; that list includes me, and it includes the World Champ, so you should tread really lightly when bringing him up.

E: Alright, sorry I brought it up.

DM: At least you know where I stand. Sometimes things aren't always what they seem to be.

*Davin leaves and heads for the Run DLP Locker Room, Presented by Aquafina. Before he gets there, his Sprint PCS phone rings again with "Danger Zone" as the ringtone*

DM: Hey...no, I was totally serious...Well, ask him and let me...uh huh...ok, I get that...I know it's not you, don't be silly...yeah...Well, I can tell...You're assuming he's the one that is...well, it's an important distinction, you don't know for sure...Didn't I say I would help if it came down to it? Yeah, even if that's what has to happen...I dunno why honestly, I just feel like I need to is all. People are people Lexie, no matter what they've done in the past...No, I get that too. No, I do...Well, if you really think you have to I'll be at the Dunkin Donuts Hospitality Tent...All right then...listen, just consider the offer, that's all I can ask; if it's no it's no; I can live with that. Alright.

*He clamps the phone closed and goes inside*

P: Hey D.

DM: Hey, where's Smokey?

P: I think she was in your room last.

DM: All right, don't bother me for like an hour, I need a nap.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

"I see you fell short agian, Viper." Capellan greets his ex-tag partner and long-time nemesis backstage. "How's that solo career going now I'm no longer 'holding you back'?"

"Fuck you."

Cap visibly thinks about hitting the obvious line, then shakes his head. "Too easy."

"Fu -" Viper catches himself. "Did you have a reason for bothering me?"

"Just to tell you to make your peace with losing agian this week. I beat LD at the Pay Per View. I'll beat you tonight ... and then I'll get my shot at Stank, and the outcome will be different."

"You're assuming you'll make it to the match tonight."

"Well, why wouldn-"

*DEATH ELBOW*

Viper lays the boots in on a prone Capellan.

"See you in the ring, Cap ... assuming you're conscious by then."

[mooseheadjack]

**Fade in**

**We join Eric O'Mac, in his wrestling gear, chilling in the DEA Suites. He is relaxing in a chair, staring straight ahead with a deep look in his eye. Lucky walks in with a pile of papers and puts them in Eric's lap.**

Eric:...the fuck is this?

Lucky: I wanted to help you prepare for your match tonight so I did some research on your opponent and higlighted areas where Bunny has strengths and weaknesses, where you have strengths and weaknesses, and I cross-checked them to see if there was anything alarming that you should be on the look out for. I also have an average of both Bunny's and your statistical averages since this past September.

Eric: And where the hell was this last Sunday?

Lucky: You told me to piss off when I brought it up. But I did it tonight because Mr. Darling yelled at me for not helping you prepare for your match Sunday.

Eric: Ah yes. Good times.

**Eric looks at the stack of papers.**

Eric: How many pages of research and stats are there?

Lucky: 58.

Eric: And you believe this is vital to my success tonight?

Lucky: The statistics do not lie.

Eric: OK....well, instead of me reading all of this, why don't you point out the most important things I need to keep an eye on.

Lucky: OK, well first of all, Bunny has a .987 FLIP Ratio.

Eric: I know he's a good flipper. You shouldn't have to put that in any research.

Lucky: No sir, the FLIP ratio is this: Flying Logistics Internal Profile Ratio.

Eric:...And that means?

Lucky: That he is more prone to flying through the air and doing flips.

Eric: OK, what else.

Lucky: Well, based on the past month of matches that you've had with him, I was able to calculate his FPR: Fluke Probability Ratio. Based on my results, his FPR is also very high, almost a perfect 1.000. It currently stands at .991. This means he isn't able to beat you unless something very unlikely was to happen.

Eric: Like Davin paying off the referee, beating the hell out of me with a chair in what should have been an obvious DQ?

Lucky: Exactly.

Eric: Who has my match tonight?

Lucky: I do not know.

Eric: Well, don't you think that is important? I mean, I got screwed last Sunday! And unlike my Onslaught Title win, this screw-job was NOT legal.

Lucky: I am sorry. But that brings me to you.

Eric: Me?

Lucky: Yes. I feel that your strongest factor is your ETSP: Entertainment Taunt Stalling Percentage. Using your taunts and your ability to make matches seem longer than possible, you will tire the Bunny out and out last him, thus makign your matches highly entertaining.

Eric: OK. Lucky, put away the stats for a minute. Because I'll let you in on a little secret. Bunny's going to be champion tonight whether I like it or not. And that's OK. If I want another shot, I'll get one. But tonight is about more than championships. It's about blood. It's about revenge. It's about dominance.

And Bunny will be the FIRST to find out exactly what I'm talking about.

**Fade out**

[mooseheadjack]

A lawyer knocked on The Heels' door. Attitude Adjuster answers.

AA- Yeah, may I help you?

Lawyer- Alan Capps?

AA- Um...yes?

Lawyer- You are being sued for copyright infringement.

AA- WHAT!?

Lawyer- Do you remember saying this?

He shows him a video clip on a handheld video device.

:

JA: No, you were talking to me, Alan.

AA: SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHNNY!

Lawyer- That phrase is an official trademark of Mr. F. Fonzworth MacCappington III. We'll see you in court.

He leaves.

AA- Boy, this really isn't as much fun around here since FF got money.

JA- Yeah, way to go, jackass.

AA- SHUT THE...door on your way out, please.

JA- HA HA!

AA- Wasn't he just saying he loved us?

JA- Yeah, but he also loves his copyrights.

[mooseheadjack]

**Bunny is walking down the hallway, when he discovers that Moosehead Jack's locker room is engulfed in flames!**

Bunny: Holy shit, dude! What do I do!? What do I do!?

**Bunny scurries down the halls and finds LADDER leaning against a wall. He grabs it and takes it back to Moose's place.**

Bunny: Don't worry! I'll save you!

**Bunny climbs LADDER and notices a scaffold hanging above Moose's door. He transfers from LADDER to the scaffold.**

Bunny: This is getting really scary, man. I don't wanna up and leave, but I can't watch this.

**Bunny applies a blindfold, blocking his vision so he is no longer scared of what might soon happen to him.**

Bunny: I'm coming! I can't see shit, but I'm coming to save you!

**Bunny walks across the scaffold and climbs down and moves around and climbs back up.**

Bunny: I saved you. I knew I had it in me.

**Bunny is holding a kitten in his arms, very gently. He glances to the floor below him and sees that LADDER has run away.**

Firefighters: Jump into this trampoline!

Bunny: That ain't a trampoline! It's a giant OOWF flag!

Firefighters: It's all we could find around this place!

Bunny: Phantos has a trampoline at his place!

Firefighters: You're wasting precious time! Jump!

Bunny: Alright! Here I come!

**Bunny jumps off the scaffold, kitten in hand. He lands in the giant OOWF flag, but tears through it on impact and slams face first into the concrete floor.**

Bunny: Ouchies!

Firefighters: Whoops...

Bunny: I'm in pain!

Firefighters: Well, our job here is done...

**The firefighters leave Bunny to recover on his own. Bunny finally gets to his feet.**

Bunny: My eyes are bleeding!

**Moosehead Jack walks out of his locker room and the flames magically die down.**

Moose: Bunny...

Bunny: Moose...

**Moosehead Jack keeps walking. Bunny feints and hits the floor. He awakes several hours later.**

Bunny: Ew. My eye blood has crusted over. Maybe watching some TV will heal them up.

**Bunny walks through the halls and into his locker room. He turns on the TV.**

Black Sabbath: NA NA NANANA NANANANANANANA NA NA NA

Bunny: Iron Man? Doesn't look that good.

**Bunny changes the channel.**

Jim Ross: A Twist of Fate from the top of the cage!

Jerry Lawler: That's a Whisper in the Wind, JR!

Bunny: Yay! Cage match!

**Bunny zones out while watching the boring WWE programming. He ponders the events that had just taken place.**

Bunny: Moose's place up in flames. Inferno match. Setting up LADDER. Ladder match. Climbing around the scaffolding. Scaffold match. Blindfolding myself out of fear. Blindfold match. Giant OOWF flag. Flag match. Bleeding out of my eye sockets. First blood match. Moose walks away and I fall over. Last man standing match. The Iron Man movie. Iron man match. Steel cage match on RAW. Steel cage match. It's all coming together now!

**Bunny watches some more wrestling for a minute, then snaps out of it.**

Bunny: Wait... What was I doing?

**Fade to black.**

[mooseheadjack]

FADE INTO THE ER AT THE ISAFJORDHUR HOSPITAL

EMT workers burst in with Skurge strapped to a gurney with SYB and The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth at his side.

Doctor: (in broken English) OK what we have here?

DM: I don't know doctor, we were out and about celebrating a big win and he just fainted.

SYB: Aboot.

Doctor: Sir please no monkey business, yes? (to DM) Continue yes?

DM: My boys won a big match and we started drinking. I opened a bottle of champagne and he collapsed.

SYB: Hoser can't hold his liquor. He fell after sniffing the bottle, eh?

Doctor: He is Joo yes?

SYB nods.

Doctor: That explain it. Joo is weak and cannot drink.

Skurge is slowly coming to.

Skurge: Great Odin's raven, what happened?

SYB: You passed oot.

Skurge: But I-I-I didn't drink anything. I haven't touched a drop since the Manischewitz at my bar mitzvah.

Doctor: You have Joo liver, yes? You are lightweight. No more drinking.

SYB: No more drinking? Good thing you're not Canadian, Solly. We come oot of the womb with a case of Labatts, eh?

Skurge: (to DM) Now it's coming back. You paid a visit to Moose, right?

DM: I did... and I told MooseheadJack off.

Skurge & SYB: Heh heh heh heh heh.

DM: (rolls her eyes) Is he going to be OK, Doctor? We have a match tomorrow.

Doctor: He will be good, yes? He will still be Joo though.

Skurge: (mutters) Eat a goat cock.

SYB: Beauty, he'll be fine.

DM: Whew. Let's give him time to rest, Skurge. We still have another bottle...

SYB: That's what I'm talking aboot!

*FADE OUT*