OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 04-16-08

[mooseheadjack]

<SFJ#19 walks past Stank and Moosehead Jack sitting at the bar.>

Stank - See ya, Nina.

<SFJ#19 turns and blows a kiss toward Stank as she walks out the door. Moosehead Jack shakes his head, finishes off his beer, stands and leaves the Destroyitarium. As he walks out, Davin Morland is making his way in. Moreland and Moose pause a second at the door.>

DM - WHAT the...?

MHJ - ...

<Moose simply smirks and continues on his way. Davin stares after Moose, then walks in joining the OOWF World Champion at the bar.>

DM - What was HE doing in here?

Stank - Man's gotta drink.

DM - Then why not one of the other bars in town?

Stank - Was there something you wanted to discuss, Davin?

DM - As matter of fact there is, Lucas.

Stank - Speak.

DM - ... Are you on board or what?

Stank - What do you mean?

DM - I mean all the talk I'm hearing about you still being undecided.

Stank - You didn't hear that from me.

DM - No... but people are talking.

Stank - What people?

DM - Does it matter?

Stank - ... Look I said I was on Rick's team and I am. You haven't heard me say otherwise, so I wouldn't worry about what other people think.

DM - Oh but I do... especially when I see you consorting with the enemy.

Stank - Consorting?

DM - Yeah. It means to be in company with, associate, to be of one accord...

Stank - I fucking know what consorting means, Davin.

DM - Then what the fuck?

Stank - I wasn't consorting with Moose any more than you have been with Alexander Darling or his sister.

DM - Lexie? What have you heard?

Stank - Nothing but what the ninja cameramen catch.

DM - I fuckin hate them sometimes.

Stank - You just gotta know when they're around. For example they weren't paying any real attention to me until after Nina and Moose walked out and you walked in.

DM - So they didn't catch whatever you and Moose were talking about.

Stank - ... or not talking about.

DM - You know what else they didn't catch, Champ?

Stank- What?

DM - Whatever it was you whispered to Alex during your Pub segment.

Stank - Oh. That.

DM - ...

Stank - ...

DM - Well?

Stank - Well what?

DM - Are you going to fucking tell me what you said to him?

Stank - Sure.

DM - ...

Stank - ...

DM - Why are you jerking me around?

Stank - What?

DM - WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO ALEX!!??

Stank - I thought I told you the ninja cameramen didn't start paying attention to me until after you walked in.

DM - So... what? You're not going to tell me in front of them?

Stank - Exactamondo

DM - Well that sucks, Lucas. You're not exactly inspiring trust here.

Stank - Look what I said to Alex has a little something to do with this.

<Stank pulls an envelope out of his back pocket. He unfolds it and on the front one name stands out amongst what little writing is there.>

DM - Poe?

Stank - It was delivered to me by mistake the night of Mayhem last week.

DM - By mistake?

Stank - Yeah, read it.

<Moreland removes the note inside the envelope.>

DM - "Dear Seamus, I hope this letter finds...

Stank - NOT OUT loud, fool!

DM - Oh, right...

<Davin reads the rest.>

DM - Jesus...

Stank - Mary AND Joseph.

DM - Fuck, why would the guy send this to Seamus McNasty.

Stank - Look at the envelope.

DM - "To B.A.D"

Stank - Bad Ass Drinkers

DM - Ha. THat's fuckin hilarious.

Stank - The stagehand who delivered it probably was confused enough by the borderline gimmick infringement, to think Drink & Destroy and BAD were one and the same.

DM - So what did you say to, Alex?

Stank - ... Got damn it, Moreland... have you NOT been listening?

DM - What? THe fucking NCM's? So what?

Stank - What I said to Alex is not for them to hear. At least not from me. Especially in a conversation I'm having with you. Besides, I'm not sure he believed me anyway.

DM - Well he probably will believe whatever you said after seeing this little promo.

Stank - Which is why I felt it worth showing you the letter.

DM - I'll tell you something else... BAD, after seeing this, might want to come collect on their letter.

Stank - Or... (Stank turning to the camera) They might find it not worth the trouble.

DM - I still don't get why it was sent to them in the first place?

Stank - Beats me... Alex might want to discuss that with me.

DM - Is that what you told him?

Stank - Davin what I've told you already should be sufficient. Maybe you can use it to help recruit him to our side. I don't care about that really.

DM - Then what are you angling for?

<Stank just turns to his mug and takes another big gulp of his beer.>

DM - C'mon Lucas. What the fuck is this?

Stank - I may be on your side in this war Davin, but that don't mean I have to share EVERYTHING with you. I said from the beginning, that above all else I was on the sides of myself and Drink & Destroy. Quite frankly Rick comes in about 4th in the grand scheme of it all.

DM - Oh yeah. Then where does the OOWF fit into your grand scheme?

Stank - A damn sight above anywhere Bennett and his crew are involved... that's all you should care about.

DM - I'm still not comfortable, Lucas... I thought we had an understanding?

Stank - We do Davin. Rest assured. I am not out to screw you or the rest of OOWF over.

DM - Ok then why are you even breathing the same air as Moose and if you're trying to talk to Alex... you know he HATES Moose. Which I can't say I blame him.

Stank - Moose and I may be on opposite sides when it comes to Bennett, and I'm not naive enough to think that should we cross paths, he wouldn't try his damnedest to take me out, as I would him... but in there... there is common ground to be found. Moose and I find it quite often, which is why he's still welcomed in the Destroyitarium. There are people in this Fed that I can't stand. Moose isn't one of them... That's about the best explanation I can give concerning why Moose was here. The man finds peace in drinking a beer with his enemy. The chaos of it makes sense in his world. It amuses me, so I allow it. It ain't got jack shit to do with you or Alex for that matter. If Darling doesn't want to deal with this because I get along with Moose that's his loss. I think you're enlightened enough to not let my contentment with Moose come between an understanding between you and I, Davin... am I right?

DM - ... Yeah... whatever... I find your relationship with that guy disturbing, but if you tell me its no big deal then whatever... I believe you. But this game you're playing with Darling...

Stank - Not playing any games... a bit of information fell into my lap. It concerns Darling and intrigues me. Whatever happens after that... just happens.

DM - ... so you're NOT going to tell me what you whispered to Alex.

Stank - Oh for Fuck's... Fine! I'll tell you what I tacked on at the end of what was said... Surely, by now Davin you've heard the rumors about Alex's sister and Firewoman. Well, I told Alex that he should-

Spin - Stank! Stank! C'mere! You're NEVER going to BELIEVE THIS!

Stank - What Spin?

DM - Wait... what rumors?

Spin - DH is on the phone. Let him tell you.

<Stank rises from his seat and walks over to Spin Hansen.>

DM - Lucas... WHAT RUMORS...?

<Stank ignores him and picks up the phone. Davin shrugs his shoulders, pays for his beer, and walks out.>

Stank - Hello? .... yeah... Uh huh... yeah... yeah, that was just as funny now as it was the FIRST time you guys pulled this joke on me. I'm hanging up now... Spin you bastard.

Spin - HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Stank - Why must you mock me?

Spin - He SAVED money on his auto insurance by switching to GEICO!

Stank - Yeah, I quit endorsing them a long time ago... WAIT A SECOND!... That whole thing with the cavemen? THAT WAS YOU TWO???

Spin - HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

[mooseheadjack]

<Davin walks out of the Destroyitarium muttering under his breath when he hears a voice>

V: Not as easy as you thought it would be is it?

<Davin looks around but the owner of the voice is nowhere to be seen, Moosehead Jack jumps down from a stack of pallets and lands a few feet from Moreland>

DM: Naturally. And no Moose, its not easy, but nothing worth doing has ever been easy has it?

MHJ: And this is really worth it to you?

DM: You mean saving the company I work for? Yeah I put that pretty high up on the scale of ‘things that are important’

MHJ: You guys are looking at this all wrong

DM: Oh? Please, tell me how we are supposed to look at it then

MHJ: You are under the assumption that when Bennett wins this thing….

DM: IF

MHJ: When, that the OOWF will just go away.

DM: And that’s not the plan?

MHJ: Moreland, do you really think we could get twelve people fighting for this cause if they really thought their jobs would disappear if they were successful? No one ever said the OOWF would go away, Bennett may be a lot of things, but he is not a stupid man. This is all about getting Rick out of power and Bennett and others implementing their vision of what the OOWF should be

DM: And let me guess, that vision is a whole lot like the nWo pay per views in the old WCW days right? Its all about you guys and screw everyone else?

MHJ:<chuckling slightly> You must really think we are idiots. Look Moreland, say what you want about me, but I am not stupid and neither is Bennett or the rest. You mentioned the nWo, you know why they failed? Because they got too big. They got too dominant. They made everyone else look weak. We are not stupid, we know the value of a strong enemy. And we know that a strong adversary builds a strong rivalry, which builds a good feud, which brings in money.

<kayfabe walks around the corner and glares at Moose>

MHJ: NOT NOW!

<Kayfabe slinks away>

MHJ: You assume that once this is over it would be nothing but punitive punishments for everyone that opposed Bennett. That is counterproductive to the one thing he cherishes the most – money

DM: So, what, we are all supposed to just throw out hands up in the air and walk over and side with Bennett now? You really think any of these guys want to work with Cole after what he did?

MHJ: No, I would imagine they would want to kill him

DM: Exactly, so that could never work

MHJ: We are not asking for you to join us

DM: Then you are asking for…….what?

MHJ: Surrender

DM: HA! Fat chance of that happening

MHJ: That’s all well and good Davin. You know how I feel, blood is blood, whether its yours or someone else’s it makes no difference to me. Right now Rick is gone, you don’t want this shit piled on you, its already affecting your performance in the ring, Stank doesn’t want it, Erlana was nothing but Rick’s trollop, and Eco hasn’t got a clue. That’s not exactly something to inspire confidence

DM: Moose, it was a 13 on 1 beat down, you really think that can go unpunished?

MHJ:<laughing> you sound like HIM now

DM:<bristling> Go fuck yourself Moose

<Davin starts to turn away but Moose stops him>

MHJ: Wait, one more thing. What’s the deal with you talking to Lexie?

DM: Now YOU are calling her Lexie too?

MHJ: I’ll call her whatever the fuck I want

DM: Darling won’t be happy about that

<Moose just stares at Davin>

DM: Yeah I know, you don’t care what Darling thinks. Look, its just business, they could be potential allies that’s all, really no different than you sitting in a bar with Stank.

MHJ: Well, except that I would actually trust Stank if I were going into battle with him. Can you honestly say the same thing with Darling?

DM: That’s not the point right now

MHJ: So, no.

DM: Look, we need all the resources we can get right now, Alexis has a great business mind, and Firewoman is one of the best in the business

MHJ: And then there’s Darling

DM: Come on Moose, he is a damn good wrestler

MHJ: And he is about as trustworthy as……

DM: You?

MHJ: Would you trust me in the same situation?

DM: Probably not. Look, there is nothing set in stone anyway, What we discussed once before may still happen, but for now Darling is……

V: Darling is what?

<Moose and Davin both turn and see Alexander Darling walking down the hallway>

AD: So, look at this, Davin is consorting with the enemy now. How’s the chest Moose?

MHJ: I thought the only chest you worried about was Lexies chest. Can’t say I blame you, it is pretty impressive.

<Fire rages in Darling’s eyes but he quickly regains his composure>

AD: Cute Moose, real cute. Get back to me when you are holding one of these <holds up the IC title>

MHJ: Oh, you mean hold a title that I got by double crossing my opponent, and then held onto by sheer luck? Yeah I will be sure to do that

AD: Has been

MHJ: Never way

AD: Tell that to the men in Japan who can’t walk right because I broke their legs

MHJ: Looks like I will have a chance here soon

DM: Am I even needed in this conversation anymore?

AD: If you would tell Moose to shut the fuck up for a minute, we could talk. These “gifts” that keep coming, I want them to stop. Immediately

MHJ: Sounds like some one is jealous. Are you sad Little Alex? Are you sad that no one sends you gifts? Well boo fucking hoo.

AD: Again, fuck you Moose, no one gives a shit what you think. Moreland, I want them to stop, they are becoming a distraction.

MHJ: NO? REALLY? You are the clever one Darling!

DM: Moose, please, this is not helping

AD: How bout I just finish that carve job I started Moose? How would you like that?

DM: GUYS! Enough. Look, I will see if there is anything I can do about the gifts, though I doubt there is. For now, you are just going to have to deal with it until we can figure out WHERE they are coming from.

AD: THAT’S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!! I am not going to live my life afraid of some crazy stalker that lives in the shadows! If the OOWF cannot do a better job of protecting our safety, then maybe the DEA should go elsewhere

DM: Look Darling, I said we would look into it, that’s the best I……

MHJ: The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?

<Darling glares at Moose and trembles slightly, then without a word turns on his heels and walks away angrily>

DM: God dammit Moose, you are helping things at all! Who the fuck said that anyway

MHJ: Edgar Allen……..Poe

<Moose walks off laughing leaving Davin alone>

DM: I fucking hate both of them

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin stands there hating moose, trying to quickly work things out when he calls down the hallway*

DM: MOOSE!

MHJ: DAVIN!

DM: No no no...not that. Do you have a few minutes?

MHJ: (checks his watch) I suppose I could spare a FEW minutes.

DM: Cool, let's go see Curt.

MHJ: REALLY?!?!?!?

DM: Sure.

*The two head over to the Dunkin' Donuts Hospitality Tent, manned by Curt "The Golden God" Schilling. Moose and Curt get into a protracted discussion about GRT+ ratio, before Moose finally sits down*

MHJ: So, what is it?

DM: What is what?

MHJ: Why am I here?

DM: Oh yeah, that.

MHJ: Yeah that.

DM: Well, I wanted to dive into a little philosophical discussion.

MHJ: Um, ok...

DM: Well, ok so I was thinking, we're on opposite sides, right?

MHJ: Yup.

DM: Diametrically opposed, right?

MHJ: Yup.

DM: Bitter rivals.

MHJ: Sure, why not?

DM: So tell me this. Why don't we kill each other anymore?

MHJ: We've got better things to do?

DM: It's more than that.

MHJ: You think?

DM: I've come to the conclusion that you and I aren't on the opposite ends of the spectrum. In fact, the line isn't straight. It's more of a circle, and we're both a lot closer in our positions than we thought.

MHJ: Like the Darling thing.

DM: Yeah I mean, for God's sake Moose - why would we...you know...

MHJ: Because you don't like him and neither do I?

DM: More than that.

MHJ: Well Davin, maybe it's that I resp...

DM: DON'T say it.

MHJ: Fine. What's you're damned point? Did you have one?

DM: Yes I did. Maybe you and I can stop this before things get too far out of hand.

MHJ: Stop. This? Out of Hand? Where in Hell have you been the last 3 months?

DM: Hear me out.

MHJ: Go on then.

DM: Moose, I think you and I want the same things. We want to compete. We want to hurt people. You want to drink their blood or whatever, and I want belts. That may be our only difference.

MHJ: You're probably right, but I'm failing to see your point.

DM: Truth is this Moose. I have no love for Rick, especially now. You have no love for Bennett, especially now since Eric and The Dead have taken your "not" spot on the "not" totem pole.

MHJ: *smirks* Funny.

DM: I thought so.

MHJ: Again, your point please.

DM: Let's fucking end it Moose. Let's get a coalition of some real power players together and wedge right in the middle and say "enough". I KNOW this was about you originally...

MHJ: No it wasn't.

DM: Keep telling yourself that.

MHJ: It WASN'T.

DM: Moose, I was here, ok? I remember. But even so. If it WASN'T about you, all the more reason to put an end to it all.

MHJ: I like how you think, Davin.

DM: So...

MHJ: It can't work.

DM: Of COURSE it CAN...

MHJ: It can't Davin. It's too late. The lines are already drawn.

DM: Moose, we have too much in common for it to go down like this.

MHJ: We have too many difference for it to go down any other way.

DM: You're probably right.

MHJ: I give you credit for trying though.

DM: You're not unreasonable.

MHJ: No. A lot of people make that mistake.

DM: That's why they underestimate you.

MHJ: Stop giving my secrets away.

DM: Fine. You know I had to try, right?

MHJ: It was certainly a novel concept, the timing just doesn't work.

DM: Right.

MHJ: Anything else? I want to talk to Curt some more.

DM: One last thing, yeah. I know it's not you sending presents to Lexie.

MHJ: How do you know?

DM: A strong, educated hunch.

MHJ: Fine then.

DM: One thing though.

MHJ: What?

DM: Stay away from her.

MHJ: Scuse me?

DM: You heard me Moose, it's for your own good. That suspension is still automatic.

MHJ: Bennett will overturn...

DM: Bennett CAN'T overturn it. I can't overturn it. Some judge wrote it up.

MHJ: I don't appreciate being put in a corner like this.

DM: Whatever Moose, you'll live.

MHJ: Why do you care so much, anyway?

DM: She's a friend.

MHJ: Sure.

DM: No Moose, she's a friend, and that's it.

MHJ: They're twins you know.

DM: That doesn't mean they have identical personalities.

MHJ: Plus I hear she's..*clears throat* you know, Fire and all.

DM: That's her business.

MHJ: You mean to tell me you don't care.

DM: No I don't. Even if I did, it wouldn't matter. Nothing could ever come of it.

MHJ: Did I step on something here?

DM: No. Go talk to Curt. Thanks for listening anyway Moose. That was impressive.

MHJ: Not really. I'm just underestimated, remember? *He goes to talk to "The Golden God"*

DM: *under his breath* Not anymore.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

*Moosehead Jack is walking when he randomly encounters Outback Jack*

OBJ: I'm glad you and Davin didn't work things out.

MHJ: Is this when you belch out some Australian wisdom?

OBJ: No. This is when I start to get ready for the shit to hit the fan. Things have been too quiet. I wasn't going to go against Stank, because he took me in to Drink & Destroy when I was kind of drifting, but I was so eager to go to war. But now that we picked a side, I'm getting psyched. Prety soon, Bennett will get desperate, and we'll have Taipei fence matches again. I'll get to use C4 again. Barbed wire baseball bats will be standard operating procedure. All hell will be breaking loose.

MHJ: So?

OBJ: So your next beer at the Destroyitarium is on me. After that, cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

[mooseheadjack]

Seamus is sitting alone in a faded hotel room, sunlight flickers through the blinds. In the dank dark corner he sits with a half empty fifth of Tullamore Dew. His face lights crimson in the glow of the cigar as he puffs away…

Seamus: “Stank I believe you have something of mine, I really don’t care about Moose, Ric, Davin, Bennett…you or anyone else for that matter…you think I’m here for the money or the drama? Come on Stank you're smarter than that…you think anyone but wantta bes and the dysfunctional would be hauling ass to these podunk BFE little shit hole places we perform at…buy a clue…Zander, Lexie, Lisa ahhh I mean Firewoman, they all have things to hide…what about you Stank you got something to hide or you just a big fish in a mud-hole? You want to piss into the wind about BAD then don’t whine about getting any on your shoes…we do this like men and you could just give me the note and anything else that Mr. Poe sent me or you could puff your chest out, throw your back out with your imitation lat disease and get all indignant…Stank I’m asking nicely, we could get together share a drink and you give me what is mine and we move on or…well let me know…”

Seamus take a shot of whiskey, opens up a book that was on the table and begins to read out loud to himself…

Now this is the point. You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded --with what caution --with what foresight --with what dissimulation I went to work!...

Fade to black

[mooseheadjack]

<We cut back to the Destroyatarium where we see Davin Moreland sitting at a table in the corner by himself with a stack of paper work double checking figures and filling in some contracts, we hear a loud crash and loud laughter, Davin looks over and sees a clearly inebriated Golden God, Moosehead Jack, Stank, Outback Jack and The Midnight Sons toasting each other

All: GREENSLEEVES WAS ALL MY JOY, GREENSLEEVES WAS MY DELIGHT…..

<since they never showed anymore than that in the commercial and no one else seems to know the words they repeat that refrain several times. Davin gets back to work and after a few minutes a shadow falls across his paperwork, he looks up and sees Moosehead Jack standing there>

DM: Can I help you

MHJ: What you said earlier, I just want you to know………maybe

DM: Maybe?

MHJ: Now may not be the time, but we are businessmen right?

DM: Yes

<Moose sits down, and looks at Davin>

MHJ: Look, five men. IF this ever happens, we would need five men. Make a list of who YOU think would be the perfect candidates and I will make mine. Lets just see how far apart we are

DM: Well clearly I would have…..

MHJ: No, not now. We will talk about this later

<Moose goes back to the celebration, celebration of what no one seems to know, celebration of drunkenness evidently. Meanwhile we cut to another hall in the OOWF arena and we see LJ Bennett walking through the halls, he stops at the DEA Suite and knocks on the door. Lucky answers the door>

LL: Can I help you?

LJB: I need to see Firewoman

LL: Uh I don’t know if I should…..

LJB: Mr. Lopez, I think it is in your best interest to get Fire for me <Bennett presses a $500 bill in Lucky’s hand>

LL: FIRE! There is someone here to see you!

FW: Goddammit I said I didn’t want to be disturbed! Who is it? Oh great Bennett! I don’t have the fine, I don’t have the time, I don’t have the patience, now if you will excuse me I…..

LJB: Fire, I wouldn’t bother you if I didn’t think it was worth it, here

<Bennett hands Fire a note, she reads it and her eyes get wide and she looks at Bennett incredulously>

FW: You sure about this? He is coming here?

LJB: After the tapings tomorrow night

FW: But, how? Why? After I…..

LJB: Look, it is to prove that there are no hard feelings on my end, it is just business

FW: I, uh, don’t know how to thank you

LJB: It wasn’t me

FW: Then who?

LJB: I am not at liberty to say, lets just say I know someone who has connections. He will be here early Wednesday morning until Thursday evening

<Fire turns and heads back to her room>

FW: LUCKY! WE HAVE SOME PLANNING TO DO!!!

<Bennett grins to himself and turns and walks back down the hall>

[mooseheadjack]

Moments ago, BEFORE Bennett made his way to the DEA Suites.

Firewoman returns to her locker room to find Lexie inside. There are, as always, the usual candles and incense going (Lucky makes sure to keep those lit).

FW: We had a date.

LD: I know. I'm sorry, I had some business things to take care of, that just couldn't wait.

FW: Whatever. I argued with The Dead. That just puts this day to about perfect. I have got the world's worst knot in my shoulder.

LD: Here, let me see...

Lexie guides Firewoman to the couch, and begins to try and work on the knot in her shoulder. Firewoman winces in pain.

FW: Ow...geez, Lexie....

Lucky: Ms. Firewoman, would you like something from the sandwich shop? I could go get it for you.

FW: [still cringing] Well, okay. But keep your eyes open. Don't open anything.

Lucky leaves. Lexie keeps working on Firewoman's shoulder.

LD: Look, I can't get to this through your sweatshirt. You'll have to take it off.

FW: Fine. [Firewoman removes her sweatshirt to the tank top underneath. Lexie goes back to working on her shoulder.] There's some oil over there if you need it.

LD: Oh good. Thanks. [She gets some, rubs it on her hands, and goes back to Firewoman's shoulder.]

FW: Okay, yeah...that's it. That feels great.

Firewoman closes her eyes. Lexie continues, leaning in towards Firewoman. As she does, a necklace she's wearing falls forward and brushes Firewoman's neck.

FW: What is that? [Firewoman turns and sees a small gold ankh hanging from a chain around Lexie's neck.]

LD: It's an ankh.

FW: No kidding. I mean, is that what I think it is?

LD: I'm not sure what you mean. It's...

There is a knock at the door.

FW: It's open Lucky, you don't have to knock.

AD: [voice muffled through the door] It's me. Alexander.

FW: [glaring at the door.] Go. Away.

LD: Please, Fire. He wants to talk to you.

FW: So this is the business that couldn't wait. Last time I trust you. [Firewoman pulls her sweatshirt back on, and Alexis puts the massage oil up, and hides the necklace at the same time.] Fine. You can open the door but you aren't...

AD: [opening the door] Allowed in. I know. Lexie, can you give us ten minutes?

FW: Make it five.

LD: Take as long as you need. And be nice... both of you.

Lexie leaves.

FW: Clock's tickin'

AD: Okay, just don't interrupt. Let me get through this. I'm sorry I destroyed your necklace. www.signature-gems.com/card.php?style=ancl100

FW: Apology not accepted. Leave.

AD: Look, I know. It's more than just the necklace.... I... oh for crying out loud, can I just come in?

FW: Fine. You've got four minutes left.

[Alexander sits down on the sofa.]

AD: I'm sorry I've been an ass. I know I promised we'd act more like team, and then I didn't do anything to help you with Lucky. I was so mad that you got Alexis arrested...

FW: See, that's the thing. I didn't get Alexis arrested. You didn't even ask what happened. You just assumed big bad Firewoman did something to your sweet innocent sister. Well, two things. If I hadn't been there, Alexis would have gotten seriously hurt. And she's not so sweet and innocent, either.

AD: I know. She told me you protected her. You helped us with the bell boy situation in Iceland...

FW: And you just ASSUME that just because you're getting creepy gifts, the ones I'm getting must be creepy too. They could be from anyone...Jericho, Kaz, Sven....

AD: Kaz? Sven?

FW: Focus, Alexander. You had no right to do that, and you have very little right to come in here again promising to change. In fact, the only thing keeping you from sailing through the door right now is the fact that both Davin and Bennett have made it painfully obvious that if I so much as breathe incorrectly, I'm out on my ass, if I survive May, which is probably not going to happen. So you'll excuse me, if I'm not all about accepting your apology to be one big happy family.

AD: You are impossible. Yeah, I may have a crappy track record with you lately, but you've not exactly been the easiest partner to have around. This latest stunt with the flames? Way to draw the attention of Bennett's army, when we were going to try and stay out of it. We need to lay low, and be smart about what we do and how we do it. I can forgive you the Finland situation, but the flamethrower in the sandwich shop is all you. You went out on your own, so you can't blame me for not helping when you didn't even ask. You should know by now... after everything... all you need to do is ask.

There's a pause, as both Alexander and Firewoman appear to think for a minute.

FW: You're right. I should have come to you. I mean I did mention I was going after them...

AD: Can we just stop at the part where you say I'm right?

FW: Fine. I believe your time is up.

AD: Okay. So....need any help with anything?

FW: I can't get an international phone call out in this gods-forsaken place. I have no idea what's going on with Chris.

AD: I'll see what I can do. Oh...and, uh. I got you something.

FW: Is it ticking?

AD: No. [He puts a box on the sofa between them.] I hope you like it. [He gets up to go] So does this mean I'm now allowed in here?

FW: No.

AD: Thought so. Oh and Fire?

FW: Yes?

AD: Keep your hands off my sister.

FW: Whatever are you talking about, Alex? [Firewoman smiles all cheshire-cat like.]

AD: Wonderful.

Darling leaves and shuts the door. Firewoman opens the box to reveal a new amber necklace that looks like this: www.signature-gems.com/card.php?style=an111 and is much nicer and more expensive than the other one. There's a note inside that says "Hope this is an acceptable replacement. –A.D."

[mooseheadjack]

Backstage before the show....

Alexander Bensouir: Well...This is interesting.

Mark Vander: What's interesting? Did I make the paper? How'd I make the paper when I freaking lost my first big match back?

ABS: What? Oh, no. Nonononono...I was trying to figure out where the "2" goes.

MV: Fuck Sudoku. I never did get the hang of that stupid game.

ABS: Look, Mark, I'm your business manager, and as such it behooves me to say that you really should win more matches. Like, tonight, against The Nerve Agent. What is your strategy?

MV: I'm going to punch him in the face and then try not to lose.

ABS: Did you get that from "The Art of War?"

MV: "The Tao of Pooh" actually. That Christopher Robin was a mean sumbitch.

ABS: Look, I'll admit as fast as anyone else that Melissa was the brains of this operation. I'm just a glorified PR rep-

MV: Nobody was glorifying you....

ABS: -but I'm going to have a hard time marketing a loser. What kind of company would hire a wrestler who never wins?

MV: TNA?

ABS: I meant to endorse their product?

MV: Hardees?

ABS: Look, that's not the point. The point is, we're going to have to do something about this. You're 1-1, but 1-1 isn't going to cut it for the return of the biggest superstar in OOWF history.

MV: I'm really not that good....

ABS: You let me worry about that. You go out there tonight and beat this Nerve Agent guy, and I'll make some calls. We're going to buff those skills of yours.

MV: Will this involve any actual work on my part?

ABS: Well, that's...Hmmm...Interesting.

MV: The Jumble got you down?

ABS: No. Have you ever heard of CB123?

MV: Sure, aren't they the sponsors of this show?

ABS: I have to go, will you excuse me?

MV: Sure thing.

This segment was brought to you by the letter R and the number 47! Ah-ah-ah!

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland mumbles something to Erlana and Eco (inaudibly) before leaving the the GM's office with a jacket on. He comes across Moose who is leaving the Destroytarium*

MHJ: *looks up* You got it?

DM: The list?

MHJ: Yeah.

DM: Yeah. You?

MHJ: Yeah. You ready?

DM: As I'll ever be.

MHJ: This should prove to be interesting.

*they trade lists and look at them, they just kind of look at each other after reading them*

MHJ: This is YOUR list, right?

DM: I think so. I dunno how we could have not switched them.

MHJ: Well, let's switch them again just in case.

*They trade lists again and they both kind of look dumbfounded*

DM: I told you.

MHJ: This is...weird.

DM: Well for now, we are what we are, right?

MHJ: It's just that...

DM: I know. It's creepy.

MHJ: It is.

DM: I'll see you tomorrow night for Mayhem.

MHJ: See ya.

*Moose stands there with his mouth agape, and seems unable to quite move yet. Hard cut to Davin entering a hole-in-the-wall-off-the-beaten-path Coffee Shop and goes to the far corner booth that kind of has a post blocking the view from the front*

V: Took you long enough.

DM: Life doesn't always work on your timetable, Lexie.

AD: *almost grinning* Well, it should.

DM: You know...

AD: Yes Davin. I know.

DM: So you can't...

AD: Nope. Neither can you.

DM: *audibly sighs* If you ever want to retire, let me know.

AD: Oh sure...like I need your help. Besides, I'm pretty high-maintenance.

DM: *sarcastically* No shit, really?

AD: You're in a mood.

DM: It's been a really...weird...day.

AD: That's been going around lately.

DM: Did you just make a joke?

AD: *nearly smiling again* I'm not completely humorless.

DM: True. You're witty.

AD: Was that a compliment?

DM: Happens sometimes.

AD: *sighs and looks across the table*

DM: What?

AD: *says nothing*

DM: Listen, it doesn't even need to be spelled out, does it? It can't ever happen, and ESPECIALLY now. That's just the reality of the situation. It sucks, but that's the story and we're doomed to live by it. You ARE ok with it, right?

AD: I don't really have much of a choice, do I?

DM: *sips coffee* Unfortunately, no. At least, I can't come up with anything. Then again, you're smarter than I am, so maybe you will.

AD: Way to put the pressure on.

DM: Backburner kid, backburner.

AD: Sure. More stuff on the backburner.

DM: Well, it's not just you.

AD: I understand this.

DM: Fine. Well, obviously I can't stay.

AD: Damned ninjas.

DM: I should sign a no-ninja clause. Of course, I'd never be on camera that way. Anyway, this came in the mail for you *he pulls an envelope out of his pocket*

AD: No address? No postmark? Davin, what the hell is this?

DM: It's got your name on it.

AD: Dammit I'm nervous.

DM: Don't be. Open it.

*Hesitantly, Alexis opens the envelope*

AD: *smirking* It's a money order for $1,000,050.

DM: It is? No fucking way. Hey, that just happens to be the amount of DEA's fines! How about that.

AD: Davin you didn't have to...

DM: Have to what? Hand-deliver the envelope? Well gosh, good thing I did; Imagine if someone had put that in the wrong mailbox or something?

AD: Davin, I can't...

DM: Can't what? Can't believe it? I know! Who sent it? Your Dad? Your bank?

AD: Davin...

DM: All I did was deliver an envelope with your name on it.

AD: *actually smiling for once* Well, thank you.

DM: For delivering the envelope.

AD: Right. For delivering the envelope. That's the ticket.

DM: Just so happens I have a pen here, in case you wanted to just sign that over to the OOWF General Fund.

*he hands her a pen. She signs and gives the money order back*

AD: Davin, that was...

DM: Stress relieving? Yeah, that must have been a strain. Well, I should get back to the office and drop this off. She needs to fucking stop though. I'm done playing.

AD: I'm not gonna forget.

DM: It's an envelope, Lexie. No big deal. See ya around.

*Davin leaves. Time warp. Davin is back in the GMs office and Erlana is behind her desk.*

DM: Who's the best assistant GM in the world?

E: Why? What did you do?

*Davin hands her the money order*

E: Holy Shit! You got it!

DM: I did.

E: How?

DM: Best assistant GM in the World?

E: Right now you are.

DM: Take it easy Erlana. See you in the morning.

E: Thanks Davin!

*Davin proceeds down the hallway to the Dunkin' Donuts Hospitality Tent, manned by Curt "The Golden God" Schilling *

C'TGG'S: Hey Davin! Wanna see my blog post?

DM: No thanks, man. Do you have a few minutes?

C'TGG'S: *looks around* No one else is here, sure.

DM: I have to talk to someone about all this.

C'TGG'S: Here's your coffee. I'm all ears.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

**Fade in.**

Date: 4/12/2008
Time: 1:12 AM Local (Russian) Time

*It's a dark, dark alley. The rain is falling, slowly. The streetlights in the Russian city are dimmed, flickering, and almost out.*

*The camera switches to another angle. A door. The camera goes in, and down a long flight of steps. A smoke filled room waits. We see the OOWF's own Alan "Attitude Adjuster" Capps sitting at a table. We zoom in to see him playing what appears to be Blackjack. A Russian man sits on the other side of the table; the dealer is handing out cards. The Russian is given a King and a 7.*

Russian Man: Hit me.

Dealer: I suggest you hold sir.

Russian Man:....I like to live life dangerously.

Dealer: OK.

*The dealer flips over a 4.*

Dealer: 21!

*The dealer pushes chips towards the Russian Man.*

Russian Man: I just had a feeling.

*The dealer flips over AA's cards. He shows a 3 and a 2.*

AA:....I think I'll stay.

Dealer: I suggest you take another card, sir.

*AA looks across at the Russian man.*

AA: I too, like to live life dangerously.

*The dealer flips over his cards to reveal a King and a 3.*

Dealer: My 13 beats your 5.

*The dealer takes AA’s chips.*

AA: That’s quite alright. Blackjack isn’t really my bag.

*The Russian man smirks.*

AA: Allow myself to introduce……myself. My name is Alan “Attitude Adjuster” Capps.

*We suddenly hear a voice from the next table.*
Eric: Damnit, AA, stop stealing lines from Austin Powers!

AA: But I’m an international man of mystery!

Eric: Can’t you shut up and just gamble?

AA: I’ve lost all of my chips.

Eric: Again?

AA: Yeah…this kind of gambling isn’t as fun as the kind I’m used to. In fact, I’ll think I’ll call it a night.

Eric: You’re walking if you do that.

AA: Why?

Eric: I’ve got the car keys.

AA: Then I’ll call Johnny.

Eric: Don’t bother him; you know he’s at the hotel enjoying the Masters right now.

AA: Well, how much longer will you be?

Eric: Well, I’ve made it to the final two, if you can stop trying to give me tips, maybe we’ll be out of here soon.

AA: Are you still mad about me revealing to everyone that you had the best starting hand in Hold ‘Em?

Eric: AA, a 2-7 off suit is NOT the best starting hand in Hold ‘Em.

AA: I hear what you’re saying, but you’re wrong. I was lucky enough to get that hand my first time playing.

Eric: Yeah, and you went all in and lost it all in the first hand.

AA: To you. So don’t tell me I never did anything for you.

Eric: Just give me a few minutes. Me and Boris will be done and then I can buy you a phone call to the States so you can bet on the Masters this weekend.

AA: I know Tiger is behind now, but I like him to win it all!

*Fade to black*

*Fade in.*

Date: 4/12/2008
Time: 1:45 AM Local (Russian) Time

*At the final table, Eric O’Mac and Boris The Russian are nearly deadlocks. Eric has a slight lead in chips over Boris with $750,000. Boris is at $550,000. The OOWF Poker Cam™ shows Boris’ starting hand to contain an Ace of Hearts and a King of Diamonds.*

Boris: I’m all in.

*The drunken Russian spectators go wild upon that announcement. Eric looks at his cards, and thanks to the OOWF Poker Cam™, the audience can too. His hand reveals a Queen of spades and a 10 of spades. Eric removes his trademark Oakleys, wipes his brow, and replaces the shades.*

Eric: I’ll call.

*The cheers get even louder. Boris flips over his hand and Eric’s eyes get kind of wide.*

Eric: Damn, that’s a good hand.

*Eric flips over his hand.*

Eric: Well, maybe I should say it’s looks like a good hand. Hell, I call your hand the Anna Kournikova. Do you know why that is, Boris?

Boris: No.

Eric: Because it looks great, but never wins anything.

*The dealer burns a card and revealed the flop. Ace of Spades, Ace of Diamonds, 4 of Hearts.*

Eric: DAMN.

Boris: That chip lead is mine, Eric.

*The dealer burns another card to reveal the turn card: King of spades.*

Eric: Well shit. That’s about it, ain’t it.

Boris: So much for the Anna Kournikova hand never winning anything, aye Eric? My full house is unstoppable.

*And the river card…: Jack of Spades. Boris starts to celebrate a bit prematurely…and then the dealer starts to push all of his chips over to Eric. Boris, screaming in Russian, demands an explanation.*

Dealer: Sir, Eric wins via Royal Flush. His two cards, plus the Ace, King, and Jack of Spades gives him a winning hand and he becomes our winner tonight! Over 1 million dollars in cash!

Eric: It was great playing you, Boris. Perhaps again sometimes?

*Boris pushes Eric’s hand aside.*

Boris: Fuck you. Take your one million fifty dollars and go.

*Boris walks away.*

Eric: Wait, I won $1,000,050?

*Fade out.*

*Fade in*

Date: 4/14/2008
Time: 2:45 PM Local (Russian) Time

*We fade in to the OOWF Arena. Inside the board room, Eric O’Mac and LJ Bennett are talking.*

Eric:…and that’s what I propose we do.

Bennett: I like it. And as for your opponent this week?

Eric: Concrete? He has no idea what he’s up against. If given the option, he should have stayed up North. But as it stands now? Concrete has no chance in hell of ever being as good as he was once was.

**Fade out**

[mooseheadjack]

Phantos is asleep on a couch with Spirios at his feet, while Lucios sits in front of the Sony Multimedia Center watching video of IHOP. Phantos wakes up suddenly screaming bloody murder. Spirios runs to his Petco Pet Palace and peers out at Phantos)

Lucios: WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN! You even scared the mutt.

Phantos: Sorry Luc, I just had this horrible dream. I was…

Lucios: I don’t care man.

Phantos: I was at Davin’s mom’s house, and knocked on the door. Suddenly, Jamie Lynn, Katie Couric, Shelly, Kelly, And Emma were all there. It was horrible!

Lucios: I’d think that would be your fantasy. Hey, why was Shelly there?

Phantos: I dunno man. It wasn’t cool though. They had been talking about me for hours it seemed and they all said I owed them an explanation!

(On cue, Emma opens the door the the Run DLP Aquafina Locker Room)

Emma: Phantos, who is Katie?

Phantos (who’s face turns ghostly white, except he wears a mask so you can’t see it happen, just trust me © Moosehead Jack): Umm.. Kaite? She’s Davin’s personal interviewer, Why?

Emma: I just met a delivery person outside the doors and she sent YOU a package

(Lucios grabs the box and opens it. He pulls out a CBS Evening News Mens’ Thong)

Lucios: What. The. Blue. Heck. (throws the thong at Phantos)

(Emma screams and runs crying out of the room.)

Phantos: Well this is turning out to be a crappy day.

(Time elapses)

(Phantos receives a text on his Sprint PCS Phone. He reads it, replies and sighs loudly)

Lucios: Let me guess. Emma wants to go home.

Phantos: (getting out his Sony Vaio Laptop): Yeah, I’m getting on Travelocity and getting her a flight.

Lucios: We’re sponsored by Travelocity now?

Phantos: Apparently, Davin’s always getting new companies on board. They probably do the OOWF travel arrangements since Davin got the AGM gig. Speaking of Mr. Moreland, any idea what this thing between him and Moose is?

Lucios: No. And don’t worry about it. Worry about beating SYB and Skurge.

Phantos: and regaining our Championships.

Lucios: Precisely. (turns to the invisible camera) IHOP, you have pulled off a couple of nice wins here lately. Unfortunatly for you, that little hot streak won’t continue this week. Phantos and I are the best tag team in the business. Period. We never lost those championships, and you can bet that they will be back around our waists soon. Remember, WE are the measuring stick. And you two simply don’t measure up.

(fade out)

(immediately cut back in)

Spirios: BARK!

(cut to black)

[mooseheadjack]

*While Eric O-Mac was playing against Boris the Russian, we see AA buying himself new chips. Blitz approaches him and does the same.*

B: Poker?

AA: Do I know you?

*They both sit down at another semi-crowded poker table.*

B: So we’re facing each other this week.

AA: If Johnny and I bother to even show up. I’m reading Forklift Driving for Dummies. It’s quite interesting.

B: I’m sure it beats losing to me and Voltage.

AA: You and who?

B: Allotta Fagina.

AA: Oh, I thought you said Voltage.

*They remain in silence as they both become involved in a 3-way battle against Stollin the Russian. Stollin wins, and takes $48 360 off both men. Stollin gets up to leave, and Blitz and AA realize that everyone else at the table has retired for the night. Blitz has $82 left and Capps has $85. The dealer deals.*

AA: All in.

B: You haven’t even looked at your cards yet.

AA: you suck and are banned pussy wimp.

B: Call.

*They reveal their cards. Blitz has a 7 of Diamonds and a deuce of Spades. Capps has a 5 of Diamonds and a 3 of Clubs.*

AA: You’ve got the best hand in poker!

*Eric O’Mac finishes his game and comes to watch the final hand.*

E: This seems lame as fuck.

B: Don’t worry, according the laws of cutting an OOWF promo, my 4 of a Kind will end up beating his full house.
*The flop is a 7 of Hearts, Queen of clubs and 4 of Diamonds.*

B: This is fucking epic.

*AA has fallen asleep and is snoring softly. The turn is a 10 of Hearts. Eric glances impatiently at his watch.*

B: I call your hand the Nerve Agent. It’s ugly, and never wins anything.

*AA is still asleep, so he doesn’t retaliate. The river is the Ace of Hearts. Blitz cashes in his chips and heads towards the exit while Eric O’Mac looks on in exasperation.

E: Is that fucking it!?

B: What?

AA: What what? Who won? Eric, I wanna go home.

E: You write a long-ass promo that ends with a piss boring poker hand. You don’t have any storyline connection to me or Capps apart from the fact that you’ll be jobbing to him this week at Mayhem. And now I had to read through this garbage!

B: That’s how real poker ends. Not with Royal Flushes beating Full Houses.

E: You clearly didn’t read your copy of OOWF Poker Promos for Dummies!

*Kayfabe storms in and glares at Eric. AA decides he’s had enough of this and hits Blitz in the head with OOWF Poker Promos for Dummies. Kayfabe kicks Eric in the balls. A huge slobber knocker erupts featuring Eric, AA, Blitz, Kayfabe, Boris, the drunken Russian crowd, Austin Powers, Tiger Woods, Hulk Hogan, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, F. Fonzworth McCappington’s semen, Smegma blah blah blah and the Dalai Lama. Eric and AA end it by putting everyone through a table. They leave.

Blitz slowly gets to his feet and makes his way to his wardrobe closet located nearby. Voltage awakes when he sees Blitz entering.*

V: Why are you covered in F. Fonzworth McCappington’s semen?

B: Long story.

[mooseheadjack]

Alex - Why do you even fucking care?

Stank - Because I see no need for you and I to become enemies. It's as simple as that. My offer to you stands as presented earlier. No drama. No bullshit.

Alex - And what do you expect in return?

Stank - Not a got damn thing, but you knowing that it's better for you to be my friend than an enemy.

Alex - I'm going to want that belt you're holding.

Stank - Then come get it like anyone else. I don't hold that against you. If you're in this company you should want it. You think I discriminate? Hell, I'm fighting LD Williams for the umpteenth time with no complaints. I know that my good fortune against him may soon run out. He knows it too. Nature of the business.

Alex - I don't like some of the company you keep.

Stank - Again, that shouldn't be an issue. It's not like I'm asking you to become my best buddy. I've seen how you've come here full of piss and vinegar. You've pissed off most of the locker room and maybe that works for you, who knows? But, I also know there's no longevity in it. You want to make a statement, fine. You want to be the best, fine. You don't have to rub everyone the wrong way, to get noticed... look, I don't really care about how everyone else feels about it. I only care about how you deal with me. You're an up and comer in this organization and I recognize that eventually you and I are gonna have a go in the ring. And when that time comes I'd rather you'd be more like LD Williams and less like Viper. So... in an effort not to HATE my eventual opponent I've reached out to you. When I can't stand the one I'm facing quite frankly it fucks up my performance. You may not care about that, but I do. That's why I'm talking to you right now. You've been told you have no friends here, and you brought that down on yourself. All I'm trying to show you is that it don't have to be the same way with me.

Alex - So you want to be my ally.

Stank - In a manner of speaking.

Alex - Does this mean I have to join Rick's side?

Stank - You can stay neutral. I don't give a shit.

Alex - You should have stayed neutral.

Stank - Well... ... I got issues. That need not be your concern. Japan's coming up. For all your bravado... you're going to need some friends.

Alex - I got friends.

Stank - Alright.

Alex - ... What happened to the note?

Stank - Seamus stopped by and picked it up.

Alex - What did it say?

Stank - Doesn't matter now. The fact that you know about it, renders what was written pretty useless. Seamus was none too happy about losing the potential pay off.

Alex - Pay off?

Stank - Alex... You got a lot of shit coming your way.

Alex - You think I don't know that?

Stank - Doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what are you going to do about it? I've presented you with an option that can make things easier for you. Maybe you like doing things the hard way, I don't know. Either way I ain't mad at cha. But let's get one thing straight... what you don't want to do is piss off the only one around here who genuinely wants to help you. That ain't a threat.

Alex - I still don't get your motivations.

Stank - Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Just trust what I'm offering you has value.

Alex - There is very little that I trust around here.

Stank - Alright.

Alex - I'll think about it.

Stank - Don't think too long.

Alex - Actually there is one thing you could do for me.

Stank - I ain't trying to be your lackey, Alex.

Alex - No it's nothing like that... Davin Moreland. You two are friends, right?

Stank - Yeah sure.

Alex - Get him to stay the fuck away from my sister.

Stank - They're adults.

Alex - I don't give a shit. Tell Davin to fuck off.

Stank - I don't think he'll listen to me.

Alex - Tell him it would go a long way toward me choosing a side.

Stank - I don't think he would believe that.

Alex - Why not?

Stank - Because I don't believe it.

Alex - Fair enough. Just let him know I'm NOT happy with it.

Stank - I think he knows... This really shouldn't have anything to do with you and me. Perhaps you should sit down and have a long talk with your sister.

Alex - As if she would listen. Look you said you wanted to help me... make this happen.

Stank - Ha! ha! What the fuck you expect me to do?

Alex - Whatever it takes.

<Alexander Darling rises from his seat and leaves the Destroyitarium. DH Magnusson joins Stank at the booth.>

DHM - You two seemed to be getting along.

Stank - That guy is some piece of work.

[mooseheadjack]

*Outback Jack is in the Destroyitarium, doing shots of vodka with Boris Zhukov*

BZ: Everybody remembers Nikolai. He got to sing the Russian national anthem, he had a great run with Freddie Blassie and the Iron Sheik, and he had the privilege of working with Ted Dibiase. Me? All they remember was that I had a big head.

OBJ: No way, mate. I'm sure people remember the "Russian Nightmare".

BZ: That was Nikita.

OBJ: Well, there was that time you turned on Sting.

BZ: That was Nikita also. And Ivan, and Krusher, and...

OBJ: Bad example, I guess. I mean everybody turned on Sting. Well, at least your son Dean turned out well.

BZ: He's Boris Malenko's son.

OBJ: Oh, right. That's kind of obvious, actually. Otherwise he's be Dean Zhukov, right?

BZ: I guess so.

OBJ: Are you related to Vladimir Kozlov?

BZ: No.

OBJ: Friend of his?

BZ: No.

OBJ: Oh. *Pauses to admire the pyramid of shot glasses in front of him, and downs more vodka.* Maybe I should switch to beer. This promo is running out of steam, isn't it?

BZ: Seems like it.

OBJ: At least nobody's getting covered in semen.

BZ: Good point. Hey, I did win a Slammy back in 1987 for Best Personal Hygiene. Be a shame to tarnish that reputation.

OBJ: I'll drink to that!

[mooseheadjack]

(CTG arrives at the arena just as Eric walks out of Bennett's office)

CTG: I was looking for you

Eric: for what?

CTG: you owe me a shirt, man

Eric: ? what, you're bitching over a $20 t-shirt?

CTG: that was one of my Up north shirts - they won't do another run, obviously....

Eric: so they're $10 now (digs in his pocket) here, I might have some change from lunch....

CTG: .... can't spare it from the millions you just got your hands on?

Eric: by the time it gets to Fire she MIGHT cover her fine. You can pay the rest when you settle up with her.

CTG: I didn't do anything wrong.

Eric: that's what they all say. The bigger mistake was for you to leave your cushy job up north

CTG: Jealous that you, "E", weren't asked?

Eric: they want me, they know where to find me. and right now I stand to make more once Bennett takes everything over.

CTG: That will not happen as long as I'm here.

Eric: Face it hero, you already know the problem. You haven't even started to solve it. Hell, you being here might only make things worse. I notice Rick hasn't been here to kiss your ass lately

CTG: ....

Eric: Bennett liked your work in PHWF, even the anime matches. who knows, maybe he'll let you wrestle Bunny in an anime rules match once you figure out you're on the wrong side.

CTG: and when Rick runs Bennett out of here, will you be on the same rail?

Eric: (hands Crete $10) you might want to put that in a trust fund for when I'm done with you.

CTG: (takes it) I'll have a shirt for you when this is done.

Eric: Buy two, blood doesn't rinse out easy. (walks off)

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland finishes his conversation with Curt 'The Golden God' Schilling (It took a long time) and goes back to the Run DLP Locker Room, Presented by Aquafina*

DM: Hey Lucios.

L: Hey man. How's tricks?

DM: Weird.

L: Are you gonna spill?

DM: Spill about what?

L: Moose.

DM: It's nothing.

L: Really?

DM: Yeah. Weird but nothing.

L: And uh...the other thing?

DM: What other...WHAT DID HE TELL YOU??

L: What do you think.

DM: Lucios, Ninja Cameraman - hear this and hear this well. We are friends. That is it. That's all it's ever going to be.

L: What about the money?

DM: What money?

L: The fine money.

DM: What about it?

L: Why did you pay it?

DM: Why did who pay it?

L: You.

DM: I didn't.

L: Are you sure?

DM: I think I would remember that.

*Phantos comes running in*

P: I can't get her to stop

L: Stop what?

L: Trying to leave!

DM: Who?

P: EMMA

DM: Oh. Why is she leaving?

P: Katie sent me a...present.

DM: Aw Christ, Phantos.

P: I DIDN'T ASK FOR IT.

DM: Let me go talk to her.

L: I think she's made up her mind, Davin.

DM: Let me go talk to her.

P: Fine, go ahead.

*Davin leaves to Phantos' quarters*

L: ...

P: ...

L: Phantos...

P: DON'T! Don't even say it! I don't want to hear it. I know, ok I know. I know. Shut up about it.

L: Fine.

Spirios: BARK!

*10 minutes go by. Davin comes out to the main room with a teary but smiling Emma*

DM: Phantos, I think you should ...

P: Are you staying, Emma?

E: We'll talk about it. You're lucky you've got him in your corner. *she points to Davin*

P: Let's go "talk"

E: We're actually talking.

P: I know.

E: No REALLY.

P: I KNOW, gosh, let's go.

L: All's well that ends well.

DM: Nothing is over.

L: You're losin' Rock...You're losin' everything...

DM: Cut me.

Spirios: BARK!

Smokey: Meow.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

*OBJ and Stank are sitting at the bar of the Destroyitarium, watching OOWF TV*

OBJ: So are we working with the DLP guys?

Stank: Have you been paying attention lately?

*camera pans back to a pyramid of empty shot glasses reaching the ceiling, and Boris Zhukov asleep at the bar*

OBJ: Um, right, of course. I'm just thinking that Wally should talk to that Phantos guy.

Stank: Do tell why.

OBJ: Wally pretty much wrote the book on 2 chicks at the same time.

Stank: I think Phantos is beyond 2 chicks.

OBJ: Wally wrote that book, too.

Stank: Good point. So are you in any shape to wrestle Bunny?

OBJ (Slams a beer and belches): Australian for born ready, mate. If I can't pin him, I'll break him in half. And I picked up a new move watching Aussie Rules today!

[mooseheadjack]

**L.D. Williams’ mother walks into his locker room.**

LD: “Ma, Why are you here?”

LDWM: “Well, for some reason Spinch wrote me into his promo on the plane and -”

**Kayfabe enters the room with fire in her eyes.**

LDWM: “What?”

KF: “…”

LDWM: “Fine. Wally invited me to join the tour. I haven’t been to Omsk in a long time.”

**Kayfabe leaves.**

LD: “Well, at least you’re not with Viper’s father.”

LDWM: “You know, he’s also-”

LD: “Don’t.”

LDWM: “Watch your tone young man.”

LD: “<sigh> You’re obviously not staying for the whole tour, though, right?”

LDWM: “Why not?”

LD: “Have you seen the schedule? Mongolia, Cambodia, Burma…you’re not allowed in half of the countries we’re going to.”

LDWM: “Never stopped me before.”

LD: “On your own, sure. But the OOWF doesn’t exactly keep a low profile. I mean Firewoman tried to murder Johnny Adrenaline today.”

LDWM: “You have to admit, the girl’s got style – a little flashy for my taste, but impressive nonetheless.”

LD: “Oh I’m not complaining about her tactics – makes me wonder weather I should have taken the DEA up on their offer – but she draws attention you won’t want.”

LDWM: “True. Maybe I’ll come and go a little bit, just to be on the safe side.”

LD: “Speaking of the Darlings, have they called you yet?”

LDWM: “Should they have?”

LD: “With the way they keep talking about Japan, I thought they might want to hire you.”

LDWM: “Well, If you want my help…”

LD: “Don’t look at me, I’ve got nothing to do with it. I just figured if they wanted a bodyguard, you might be able to pick a few extra bucks.”

LDWM: “If Poe is in the way, there are more…permanent solutions.”

LD: “Ma, Ninja Cameraman. Ninja Cameraman, Ma.”

**L.D. Williams Mother moves toward the camera and the picture goes to static.**

[mooseheadjack]

Inside the DESTROYITARIUM~!

D.H. Magnusson: We ready?

Spin Hansen: For BAD? Why wouldn't we be? It's not the first time we been in the ring with them, and it won't be the last time we got to put them down.

DHM: Nah. I don't mean them. I mean what's comin' up. Goin' to war.

SH: Partner, I've been at war entire life. This just a different set of bodies. You know how it is.

DHM: Ain't no lie there. Seems to me that this might be a little different, though. They did a number on Stank last week, tryin' to send a pretty strong statement at us.

SH: And?

DHM: And I figure we got three things we gotta do. First, take care of BAD.

SH: Second is gonna be take care of our own?

DHM: And third...

DHM lays his chain on the table, and after a moment Spin smiles and draws the crowbar from his boot

DHM/SH: We might wanna send a little message of our own.

Stank: Maggs, Spin! Get over here, you gotta see this!

The Midnight Sons walk over to the bar, where Stank and Outback Jack are rewatching the latest promos from the Run-DLP locker room

St: I swear to god this is the funniest thing on TV since "Alf".

DHM/SH/OBJ: Alf?

St: Just shut up and watch. And hand me those beer nuts.

[mooseheadjack]

Cut to the DEA Suites where Firewoman is doing her ‘day of match’ preparation.

FW: … and that is why.

L: I think it’ll be okay. I’m your assistant…

FW: Valet.

L: Whatever, and I should be at ringside.

FW: I against The Dead and the Beast. You know, the one that keeps kidnapping you? No way, you are staying backstage, preferably in my locker room.

L: But….

FW: Oh my gods, have we not established by now that you are not supposed to question me? It comes down to this, Lucky. Sometimes the best defense is not to be there.

L: I thought the best defense was a good offense. Is that why you want to avoid--

FW: Which rule you follow depends upon the situation. Now hand me my gloves.

There’s a knock on the door. Lucky starts to open it.

FW: Did you not listen to a word I just said?

Firewoman pushes Lucky out of the way and opens it herself. As promised by Bennett, Chris Jericho is standing there.

CJ: Hello!

FW: Wow, so he didn’t lie!

CJ: Nope, I’m here in the flesh. Hello, Lucky.

L: Mr. Jericho.

CJ: So….one million dollars, eh?

FW: Yeah. Totally unfair.

CJ: Uh huh. How many felonies have we racked up on this little road trip so far, only three weeks into it?

FW: Bad luck to count. Well, make yourself comfortable, I’ll be back later.

CJ: Huh? But I just got here!! I took an all night flight, a bus, and a camel to get here. And all I get is a “Hi, See you later?”

FW: You know the drill. No ‘extra-curriculars’ until after the match. Plus, I’m not entirely certain that the reason Bennett arranged for you to come down was to try and make me lose focus, and I’m not letting that happen. So, the routine stays the same. You can hang out here in the suites, Alexander should be along in a bit.

CJ: Great. My favorite person. Well, instead of ... 'that,' I thought we could do something, at least go sightseeing…

FW: Can’t. I’m grounded because I dared to defend my valet and my partner. Speaking of which, Lexie is sleeping in today, so I don’t think she’ll be along until the afternoon. But there’s the other guys wandering around. Concrete is here, but he can’t come within 500 feet of me, due to the Arnold Expo incident.

CJ: Well…okay then. I’ll see you at the match and after. I have a seat ringside, but I may find a way to be in your corner too, if I can get Vince to agree to it.

FW: Whatever works… Gotta motor. See ya.

And with a quick peck on the cheek, Firewoman and Lucky head to the workout area.

CJ: Oh, my jaw is FINE by the way!!!!

On the way to the gym, Firewoman and Lucky go past Ric’s sandwich shop. They see Attitude Adjuster at the counter, again arguing with Ric about the quality of his fries. Finally, with a Woooooooo, Flair gives AA his food to go. AA turns towards the door and sees Firewoman and Lucky outside. He walks to just inside the door.

AA: Hey hey, Firebug. Betcha you’d LOVE a Ric’s sandwich shop special right now.

FW: Not really. Everything there is always so burnt and over done.

AA: I figured you’d like it that way. Don’t see your pal Seamus around.

FW: Don’t see Johnny Adrenaline either.

AA: Isn’t that interesting. Oh well. Too bad you’re banned from here. Maybe we could have a little sit down about your nearly killing my partner.

FW: Lucky, go get our stuff. Alan, if I’d wanted Johnny dead, he’d be dead already. Like I told him, stay out of this whole Lucky/Beast thing, and nobody gets hurt.

AA: Nobody’s getting hurt anyway. You can’t come in here, and you have to turn your back sometime, and when you do, there will be another chair with your name on it.

FW: *sigh* You’re right, I can’t come in there.

L: But I can.

Lucky has been standing behind AA the whole time, and with a signal from Firewoman pushes AA out into the hall, right into a chair the Firewoman found conveniently placed against the wall.

FW: See. That’s how you do a chair shot. Now again….STAY OUT OF IT.

AA rolls over and opens his bag of food, and suddenly….THE BEAST POPS OUT!! Lucky heads for the hills, while Firewoman tries to cover his exit. The Beast clotheslines Firewoman into the wall, and she slides down to be somewhat awkwardly seated on the floor.

TB: See you in the ring. And don’t forget to bring my friend Lucky with you.

[mooseheadjack]

*FADE IN TO LJB'S OFFICE*

A nervous-looking hand knocks on the door.

LJB: (looks up from his paperwork) Yes?

SYB slowly walks in and is amazed at the museum-esque display of precious works of art.

SYB: (thinking to himself) I wonder how much it cost to transport this shit from place to place... I bet my cousin Shlomo could do it cheaper and we could finally get a piece of that Bennett fortune... wait, time to get into character.)

SYB: You wanted to see me, sir?
LJB: Ahh yes, Solly. Take a seat.
SYB: May I call you LJ?
LJB: No you may not.
SYB: So what's this all aboot?
LJB: Oh lord, this act again?
SYB: Sorry, LJ.
LJB: Mr. Bennett. Just a little levity there?
SYB: Where?
LJB: Here.
SYB: Oh.
LJB: Sweet Jesus man, how is it anyone hasn't strangled you yet?
SYB: The line to do that is long and distinguished... just like my.... never mind.
LJB: I see. So let's get down to brass tacks. The reason I called you here is I think we can help each other out.
SYB: How so?
LJB: Well the way I see it, you and Skurge need some help tonight with your match against Phantos and Lucios... am I right?
SYB: Well I wouldn't exactly say we need help but having someone out there to keep an eye on things wouldn't be so bad.
LJB: Exactly... and then you and Skurge can help me with something.
SYB: And that is?
LJB: I'm a lonely man, Solly.
SYB: Whoa.... back up there, Champ. I know you want to let off some steam Bennett, but we don't roll that way.
LJB: No you buffoon. I meant your lady friend, Miss Mantooth. Perhaps I could take her out to a nice seafood dinner.
SYB: Am I wearing a big ass purple hat? Do I look like a pimp?
LJB: I'm simply asking for an introduction... (something catches his eye)
SYB: (stands up and points a feeble finger in LJB's face) Listen to me now and believe me later. You want no part of her. She's gone down on everything but the Titanic...
LJB: Um....Solly...
SYB: Seriously, her snatch is like the Sarlacc Pit...
LJB: Solly...
SYB: What you call a lumberjack match, she calls Friday night...
LJB: SOLLY!
SYB: WHAT? (pause) She's behind me, isn't she?
LJB nods.
SYB turns around to find a steaming mad Dorothy Mantooth.
Without saying a word, she grabs SYB by his hook nose and leads him out of LJB's office.
SYB: OWWWW... hands off the moichondise!

*FADE*

[mooseheadjack]

[Moosehead Jack is WALKING~! down the hallway when he hears loud swearing coming from around the corner. He turns said corner and sees that it's coming from The Dead's locker room, and that the door is slightly ajar. He peeks in.]

Moose: Everything ok?

Dead: Does everything look ok?

[Moose finally gets a good look at the room, and it looks like the aftermath of a rockstar hotel party.]

Moose: So I'm assuming it wasn't you that did this...

Dead: Do you think The Dead would be so upset if he did this himself?

Moose: Good point. So who was it? Someone from Rick's side?

Dead: Worse.

Moose: One of the neutrals?

Dead: No. It was El Muerte. The guy has been going crazy since we started this trip. And not only that, but it's getting expensive flying him from place to place each week. The Dead is thinking of shipping him back to Mexico as cheaply as possible. Maybe in a giant crate...

Moose: Well, you could do that, but I've got an even better idea.

Dead: What would that be?

Moose: Why don't you just send him straight ahead to Japan? He could be very valuable to us there.

Dead: That's not a bad idea. Muerte has done his fair share of international touring, and he knows quite a few people there.

Moose: Exactly. In fact, there is one person in particular that I'm sure he could get a hold of...

Dead: You don't mean...?

Moose: Yeah, "him".

Dead: Oh, this is too good. Let The Dead call Muerte and work out his flight arrangements.

Moose: This should be highly entertaining...

[The Dead goes toward the phone as Moosehead Jack starts to head out of the room. The Dead notices something in Moose's hand and stops him.]

Dead: Hey, what's that?

[Moosehead Jack shoves the piece of paper into his back pocket.]

Moose: Nothing.

Dead: It kind of looked like a list of some sort...

Moose: Don't worry about it. Just get Muerte to Japan. He'll know what to do from there.

[Moosehead Jack leaves the room as The Dead picks up the phone.]

[mooseheadjack]

(Scene opens in a small courtroom. Firewoman and ConcreteTG are present, each seconded by a lawyer (Firewoman is seconded by Chris Jericho; Crete has Gregory Helms at his side. Shawn Michaels is standing near the judge's bench, dressed smartly as the bailiff. The two parties talk quietly amongst themselves as the lights inexplicably dim)

HBK: ALL RISE FOR COURT IS NOW IN SESSSION! THE HONORABLE JUDGE HELMSLEY PRESIDING.

(The courtroom is treated to the full entrance of Triple H, who prodly brandishes his sledgehammer-styled gavel as he heads for his seat)

Jericho: (to Fire) we're so gonna lose

FW: (whispering) no we won't, you're not against him....

CTG:(to Helms) we're so gonna lose

Helms: (in a low voice) not so, Citizen Takaken. No judge can take his prejudices into a court of law.

HHH: You may be seated. (all seat themselves) Before I begin, I have a couple of announcements. (takes out some note cards) "In spite of current events, my biases toward the accused...." bah (tosses the card, takes out another one) "A lady named Helen Hunt has lost a purse..." (tosses the card and gives Jericho a pointed look)

Jericho: (grins and shrugs)

HHH: (puts the cards aside) never mind, I need to get this over with. (looks over the docket) ok, Miss "Woman", you're the one accusing this guy "Gryfon" of sexually harassing you?

FW: that's correct, your honor

HHH: (Looks over at Gryfon and Helms) Him? HIM? You realize he's still a virgin, right?

Helms: Objection!

HHH: yeah yeah.... I mean, come on, he runs around in a mask and tights, you think he's even looking your way?

HBK: (leans back to the bench) hunter, you're not supposed to ask questions, you're the judge....

HHH: huh? Oh, right... Miss "Woman", you guys go first.

Jericho: (steps around the table) Now Fire, tell us about that afternoon in March.....

FW: I was in Columbus, Oh, fulfilling my contractual obligations as a spokesperson for Muscle Milk Protein Shakes. I was trying to get back to my booth when my way was impeded by this imbecile. Instead of allowing me to pass, like a true face would do--

Kayfabe: (Stands) Objection!

HHH: No interrupting the testimony! (point) boot to the head!

HBK: (Shrugs and superkicks Kayfabe back into her seat)

Jericho: Was it just as good as when you kicked Flair for the third time?

HBK: (Tries to superkick Jericho)

HHH: uh uh, Shawn, I didn't say "Boot to the head".

HBK: (stops, frets)

Jericho: Fire, if you would please continue.

FW: Concrete blocked my way. When I insisted he move, he then touched me ... uh... inappropriately.

Jericho: And could you describe to the court what you mean by "inappropriately"?

FW: He picked me up and carried me into a Victoria's secret - in front of a crowd of children that had been following him. I had no choice but to defend myself.

HHH: (surprised look at Gryfon) wow, didn't think you had it in ya

HBK: hunter....

HHH: *ahem* Right.

Jericho: Your HHHonor, you realize that since this was not in the confines of a wrestling ring but in a very public place, this would certainly damage reputations of both parties. However, Gryfon was very much in the wrong for assaulting a lady.

HHH: bet it was fun, though (grin)

HBK: Hunter!

HHH: I ain't dead, I'm married and she's all knocked up at home.

HBK: (sighs and shakes his head)

Jericho: While this might be seen as good behavior in a bar, in a brothel, in some people's locker rooms and bedrooms, I don't think on the floor of a convention in front of many innocent eyes goes well above and beyond this simple assault.

HHH: a'right, now let's hear from the accused.

Helms: (Stands, gathers his notes) Citizen Takaken, please explain to these people the events of that fateful day.

CTG: I was attending the Arnold Fitness Exposition in Columbus Ohio as a representative of a Youth Sports Initiative, a program based on the one Arnold himself started back in the 1970s. It was an awards day and I had fallen behind schedule in getting the children to the stage for presentations, which Arnold himself was overseeing. Firewoman, along with her enterouge, had the entire aisle blocked before us so we could not reach the stage and our final destination. Lacking options and not wishing to initiate hostilities that could cause physical injury to the children, I began with negotiations in hopes that she or all the men following her would at least give us a lane to which we could continue to the stage. Refusing that, I felt that I had no further recourse than to gather Firewoman and set her to one side.

Helms: And how exactly did you gather her?

HHH: (grinning wider and wider)

HBK: (swats Hunter's arm)

CTG: since she was not willing rescue I could not use the typical means where I could carry her in front of me. So I gathered her with my hands around her waist and then placed her on one shoulder.

Helms: do you feel your method was "inappropriate"?

HHH: for walking into a Victoria's secret it wasn't

HBK: Hunter!

HHH: come on, Shawn, you didn't do that at least once in your life?

HBK: that was a LONG time ago

FW: He pinched my ass

CTG: I blame your fanbase

Kayfabe: Objection!

HHH: (point) Boot to the head!

HBK: (Superkicks Kayfabe back into her seat)

Jericho: That's two, going for that magic number

HBK: (Sets to Superkick Jericho)

HHH: Shawn.....

HBK: (sighs and walks dejectedly back to his post)

HHH: Answer the question so we can keep going

CTG: The arm I used to secure Firewoman never left her waist or hips. My other arm was away from her body, maintaining balance as she punched at by back and tried to knee me in the face

FW: (stands) you pinched my ass!

CTG: Given where we ended up, I'm sure one of your fans felt need to do such a thing

FW: (Fuming)

Jericho: (holding her back) sure, Junior, blame it on someone else!

Helms: *Ahem* were you aware that you were going into a store of ... ill repute?

CTG: I was simply moving her aside, and I would have set her down gentler if she wasn't pounding on me

Jericho: Boo hoo hoo

CTG: She didn't break my thumb

Jericho: Hey, that was a LONG Time ago!

HHH: (trying not to slam his gavel down) order, order.....

(everyone returns to their seats, except Helms)

Helms: Your HHHonor, you must take into consideration that while what he did may seem to the public at large as inappropriate, he did attempt at least to minimize hostilities. It seems that his actions have been misinterpreted.

HHH: okay, lemme see if I got this straight. You two were blocking an aisle at the Arnold Expo? (Crete and fire both nod) Neither one of you wanted to move? (they both nod) so you picked her up and moved her aside? (Crete nods) and you DIDN'T pinch her ass? (Crete shakes head no) Did you slap him before he picked you up? (Fire thinks a moment, but shakes her head no) alright, let me look over my notes.

(HHH picks up the folder (sideways) and it falls completely open)

FW: !!!

Helms: I sense Cerebral Harassment!

HHH: (grinning at the file)

Jericho: permission to approach the bench?

HHH: you don't wanna see this

FW: (about ready to charge the bench)

HBK: (Loud whisper) Hunter.....

HHH: huh? (drops the folder) oh yeah....(composes himself) now then, in the case of Concrete versus Firewoman, I find Concrete guilty-

CTG: (Stands) This is retaliatory!

HHH: (point) boot to the head

HBK: (Superkicks Crete back into his chair)

Helms: (stands) As a representative of this citizen-

HHH: You get one too (points) boot to the head

HBK: (Superkicks Helms back into his chair)

HHH: As I was saying, I find Concrete guilty of failing to seize the opportunity for sexual harassment and in light of people's exhibit "X" here (holding up the folder)

FW: That's Photoshopped!

HHH: (point) boot to the head

HBK: I don't kick girls anymore, Hunter

HHH: (points to Jericho) you've been wanting to kick him all day

HBK: (shrugs and superkicks Jericho back into his chair)

HHH: and to you Firewoman, I find you guilty of NOT posing for people's exhibit "X" and misrepresenting yourself in this courtroom. I'm not sure which is worse - Gryfon not wanting to touch your ass or you being offended for showing ass

Kayfabe: (stands) Objection!

HHH: (point) boot to the head

HBK: (Superkicks Kayfabe back into her seat)

Jericho: (still holding his jaw) that's three, Junior....

HHH: Shawn, how come you can kick her?

HBK: She doesn't count, Hunter, you don't like her either!

HHH: Right. When the virgins come to, tell em they owe you $75,000 for not sexually harassing you. Any final statements?

FW: (point) boot to the head

HBK: (Superkicks HHH clean out of his seat)

[mooseheadjack]

This totally happened hours before Crete's awesome courtroom thing ever happened



*Davin Moreland is SITTING at a table near the Dunkin' Donuts Hospitality Tent, which is currently unmanned, because at the table is Davin, Curt "The Golden God" Schilling, Randy "Straight Cash Homey" Moss (there for the shift change) and Chris "Y2J" Jericho*

DM: How come I don't have a clever nickname?

C'TGG'S: Cause you're not that clever? *POP* Ow...

R'SCH'M: So anyway man, when are we goin back to the States? I got minicamp at some point.

DM: Oh, you're gonna be back in time for Minicamp. You might miss an OTA or two, but no minicamp.

R'SCH'M: Word.

C'Y2J'J: So anyway, John says hi.

DM: Yeah? Where's he been?

C'Y2J'J: Movie or something. Pretty much the E wants to keep him off TV for a while.

C'TGG'S: Not such a bad idea.

R'SCH'M: Word.

DM: Anyway, tell him I said hi when you get back.

C'Y2J'J: Will do. What's been up with you anyway? I haven't seen you since I got back.

DM: HA! How long you got? Let's see, I've been the longest reigning Onslaught Champion...I've chosen a side in this stupid war...I've joined management...Got Swerved...returned the swerve with a better swerve...and I'm made some pretty good friends here.

C'Y2J'J: That always helps in this business.

DM: Yeah, here come two of them now. Hey guys! P-Dawg! Lucios!

C'Y2J'J: Wait, you're friends with your stablemates?

DM: Yeah? Why?

C'Y2J'J: Cause that never happens.

P: Hey Davin. Hey! You're Chris Jericho!

C'Y2J'J: I am. You must be Phantos.

P: How'd you know?

C'Y2J'J: Mask. Cape.

P: Oh. Anyway...I use stuff out of your moveset all the time.

C'TGG'S: Most of them do.

DM: Hell, he KNOWS I do.

C'Y2J'J: It's frightening when you do it.

DM: Heh. I know.

R'SCH'M: I use it.

C'TGG'S: When the hell would you use it?

R'SCH'M: On the field. That's why they can't see me.

DM: I think you're thinking of Cena's moveset.

R'SCH'M: Oh yeah?

C'Y2J'J: Yeah.

R'SCH'M: Word.

L: So what brings you to Siberia, Mr. Jericho?

C'Y2J'J: Chris

L: Chris?

C'Y2J'J: One of your fellow workers wanted me to come in. Of course, I'm here for three seconds and she takes off. Thank God at least you're here Davin, otherwise I would have been bored to tears.

DM: You know Crete.

C'Y2J'J: I do.

L: You could have hung out with him too.

C'Y2J'J: I COULD have. I mean, it's physically possible.

DM: *smirks*

C'TGG'S: Why wouldn't you?

C'Y2J'J: I dunno, maybe because he politicked his way into the Main Event, jumping over those more deserving and then left the company high and dry with no notice.

DM: Sounds familiar.

P: He did that here too.

R'SCH'M: Word?

C'TGG'S: That's how it happened Randy.

C'Y2J'J: So what is he doing here? Same thing?

DM: Under the guise of "fighting for the good cause" but yeah, pretty much. Tried to angle into my feud with Cole. Luckily I do have a little stroke around here. Enough to put an end to that.

C'Y2J'J: It's almost sociopathic isn't it?

C'TGG'S: Good observation, Chris.

L: Anyway, we should go watch tape.

P: Why?

L: Because we should.

P: We watch SO MUCH TAPE!

L: And that's what made us champions.

P: You're right. Not our ability or our attitudes, it was totally the ENDLESS HOURS OF TAPE WE WATCHED OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

C'TGG'S: I watch a lot of tape. I even make a spreadsheet.

P: AHHHHHHHH!

*Phantos leaves*

L: I should probably go get him.

DM: Good plan.

L: See you later. Nice meeting you Chris.

*Lucios leaves*

C'TGG'S: Don't you have a promo to do, Davin?

DM: Yeah.

R'SCH'M: You need a plot device, homey?

DM: Nope this is gonna be pretty simple. *stands up* CAMERAMAN, ZOOM IN ON ABS!

C'Y2J'J: Pretty sure that's gimmick infringement.

DM: He's so crazy he wouldn't notice anyway.

C'Y2J'J: You've got a point.

DM: Ok, seriously quiet everyone. Ninja: 3, 2, ...; Chris "The MAIN EVENT' Cole. Tonight marks the beginning of the end with us, and after this; it's over. There's just one thing I think you should remember. After tonight? It's gonna be...*Davin holds up 6 fingers and the cameraman zooms in*...Cut.

C'Y2J'J: Good job.

DM: You gonna give me talking lessons at some point?

C'Y2J'J: I thought Cena did that with you?

DM: Yeah, and I've got it down if I want to sound like Randy.

R'SCH'M: Word.

*All of a sudden there's a voice from down the hall*

VFDTH: Chris!

*Firewoman and a just woken up Alexis Darling come into camera range*

FW: What are you doing down here?

AD: Hi Davin.

DM: Hi Lexie.

C'Y2J'J: Just talking with my buddy Davin here.

FW: You KNOW each other?

DM: Word.

R'SCH'M: HEY!

C'Y2J'J: Yeah, I met him a couple years ago through Cena. Good thing he was here. I would have had to talk to the sociopath.

FW: Um...you ARE talking to the sociopath.

DM: That's not very nice, Fire.

FW: Fuck You.

AD: *grabs Firewoman's arm* You really need to stop that shit. He's helped you so much.

FW: Oh bull Lexie. Why? Because he didn't book himself to beat me?

AD: For starters.

FW: For not retaliating after I smashed him in the face with a coffee cup?

C'TGG'S: That was funny.

R'SCH'M: Shut the fuck up, fool.

AD: Among other reasons.

FW: Like what? Like not suspending me? Like treating me like a child? By levying a ridiculous fine that I can't ever pay?

AD: It's paid.

FW: Bout time you two got around to that.

AD: Wasn't the Darlings.

FW: Then who the fuck was it?

*Alexis darts her eyes quickly once over to Davin and then back*

FW: You've GOT to be shitting me.

DM: Yes Lexie. Stop shitting her.

AD: You really going to keep this up?

DM: I don't want to get into details right now.

AD: Then maybe we should talk about this later.

*awkward silence*

DM: erm...Call the GMs office and we'll see if we can't set something up.

AD: I'd appreciate it.

FW: C'Mon, Chris.

C'Y2J'J: Yes Dear. Later guys. It was fun - we'll hang out again. I'm here for a while.

*Chris Jericho, Firewoman and Alexis Darling all leave*

C'TGG'S: Cool guy. I should blog about this.

R'SCH'M: Word.

Spirios: BARK!

Smokey: Meow.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

AA and JA are catching up with OOWF-TV. AA is selling the chair shot from Firewoman, because if there’s one thing The Heels do, it’s understand continuity.

AA: Have you noticed how everyone is now using the standard Heels promo format?

JA: You mean where they note the speaker and the statements, like a script?

AA: Exactly. And if OO was still around, we could prove we started it. Before then, it was just a bunch of random monologues.

JA: Have we ever received any credit for that?

AA: No. Well, except indirectly with all the Promo, Gimmick and Angle of the Year awards.

JA: If we win Angle of the Year this year, I want it to be Karen.

AA: Heels Sandwich!!!!

JA: You know, most of the time I’d find that gross, but with Karen that seems OK. Hey, is this promo going anywhere?

AA: Not really. I actually just wanted to talk about how long the promos are getting these days. I mean, how are we supposed to keep up with everything going on when even promo is three pages long? Does everyone think they’re Hollywood Writer Monkeys now?

JA: I’m with you. Most of that crap, after the first page, my eyes just glaze over.

AA: I fully agree. It’s like we could write anything in the middle of these promos and no one would notice. I could walk out of this room, grab a sandwich, and in my place we could have this:

VOSEN : Lets try and be adults okay? We all thought he was done, off the grid. But Bourne's back. Maybe he's a threat. We both want the same thing here.

LANDY: So what happened at Waterloo?

VOSEN: We have a leak. Bourne showed up in our surveillance. We had very little time to react.

LANDY: And the reporter ended up dead?

VOSEN: Bourne saw us coming.

JA: You mean I could walk out with my golf clubs, hit around for 18 holes, and while I’m gone...

OVEUR: Have you ever been in a cockpit before?

JOEY: No, sir. I've never been up in a plane before.

OVEUR: Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Joey has been paying very close attention to Murdock, and suddenly recognizes him.

JOEY: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers!

MURDOCK: I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

JOEY: You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My Dad's got season tickets!

MURDOCK: I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?

OVEUR: No, he's not bothering anyone. Let him stay up here.

MURDOCK: All right. But just remember, my name is Roger Murdock.

JOEY: I think you're the greatest. But my Dad says you don't work hard enough on defense.

MURDOCK (into microphone): Denver Control, this is Flight two-zero- niner intersecting Victor Airway seven- niner-niner.

JOEY: ...and that lots of times you don't even run down court.

MURDOCK: We are turning left to a heading of zero- niner-niner.

JOEY: ...and that you don't really try, except during the playoffs.

MURDOCK: The hell I don't! I'm out there busting my buns every night. Listen, kid, I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. Tell your old man to drag Unseld and Lanier up and down the court for forty-eight minutes. (into mike) Ah...Denver Control, this is Flight two- zero-niner continuing on a heading two- niner-niner...niner, ah...niner...niner.

AA: Exactly my point. And if anyone were still reading this, they’d laugh because…

TERMINATOR (V.O.): ...the Remington 1100 Autoloader...

WIDE as the CLERK, who looks like a sick lizard, pallid and paunchy, takes the rifle from a wall rack.He lays it beside the arsenal of perfectly legal anti-human artillery already on the glass counter. Terminator scans expressionlessly for additional selections.

CLERK: Anything else?

TERMINATOR: A phased plasma pulse-laser in the forty watt range...

CLERK (annoyed): Just what you see, pal.

TERMINATOR: The Uzi 9 millimeter.

CLERK (setting it out): You know your weapons, buddy.

Terminator examines each in turn, working the actions with curt, precise movements.

CLERK (continuing): Any one of them's ideal for home defense. Which'll it be?

TERMINATOR: All.

JA: Damn, that’s some good stuff there, AA.

AA: That’s why we’re still the No. 1 PROMO TEAM IN THE OOWF. Now let’s go kick some jobber ass.