MidWeek Mayhem (12/03) Live! From Springfield, ME

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Springfield, Maine

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
Davin Moreland vs. DH Magnusson

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Spin Hansen vs. Firewoman

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
Phantos & Lucios vs. Gods & Monsters

OOWF Onslaught Championship Triple Threat Match[/u]
Chris Cole vs. Seamus McNasty vs. Alexander Darling

OOWF Campeonas de Trios Title Match[/u]
IHOP & The Amnesiac vs. Fear Us & Moosehead Jack

Stank vs. Concrete TG
Tyson Kincaid vs. Damon Wrath
The Chickenshit Heels vs. Bryce Larson & Nayr

Card subject to Moxie poisoning

[mooseheadjack]

(Post PPV in the locker room of Gods and Monsters. Tytan frustrated as Selena celebrates that they get a title shot once again. Poe enters and sees Tytan's reaction.)

Poe: You guys won the match and that got us another shot at Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.

Selena: Don't go there, you know how I feel about Alice and Wonderland!

Tytan: Tonight I was going to show all of the OOWF that I was not just another partner. That I was a force not to messed with. I was going to show you tonight that I could stand with you side by side as your equal. And Attitude Adjuster tried to take the glory himself.

Poe: And look at what it got him. I did enjoy what you did to him.

Selena: Me too. That AA is such a loser.

Tytan: (Stands up) Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that we got a chance to kick Dumb and Dumbers asses one more time. This time we are going to take their titles and stick it to Run-DEA.

Poe: I do like the sounds of that partner.

Tytan: Then the time will come where I do feel like I have to prove something to you, me ,and the whole OOWF and I will face you in the ring.

Poe: There's no reason to do that. You and I are a team and that is that. Come Mayhem we will finally become the Tag-Champions.

(Selena starts singing "We are the Champions" and doing a really bad Air Guitar.)

(Tytan and Poe just look at shake their heads.)

Tytan: I appreciate that but this will be something I have to do.

(He walks out of the Locker Room.)

Selena: What's with him?

Poe: I think he's starting to realize his potential.

Selena: Wow! (Singing) We are The Champions my friend!

(Fade Out)

[mooseheadjack]

AA and JA look at the card.

AA: So we don't post a promo for a couple of weeks and we're facing a midget and an Indy wrestler? Moose sucks.

JA: Well, you did lose the bet AND didn't promo.

AA: ...

JA: That's it?

AA: I've decided to go on strike.

JA: You're kidding me.

AA: Nope. It's a great angle. Remember when Cactus Jack was in ECW and decided to start cutting all nice guy promos and doing wrestling matches that made Greg Gagne chant "boring!"? Well, that's what I'm going to do now.

JA: Serious?

AA: It's a better way of saying, "Damn, I don't have a lot of time right now." And instead of just pulling an Austin Idol and disappearing, I'm trying to incorporate my lack of time into an angle.

JA: I should have never come back from Thanksgiving.

[mooseheadjack]

<Bryce Larson and Nayr are seen backstage, finding out they are tagging on the next show...>

BL: Listen, little man. I'm here to win gold, and I won't let you stand in my way. I lost my chance at November Pain because someone else passed out, not me! So don't screw this up, okay?

N: What? Me screw it up? That's horsecrap. You're the "King of the Indies," not me. This is the big time, no one cares about the titles you won in Delaware, or how many stupid names you have for your moves. You're not the only one who has his eyes on gold.

BL: Hey, I won multiple championships on the Indies! I'm a legend in Delaware! You take it back. YOU TAKE IT BACK!

N: No. This is stupid.

<Nayr is obviously done with Bryce, and goes to leave. Bryce gets in his face.>

BL: I don't think so. You say this is the big time? Bryce Larson IS big time! Let's do this right now.

<Bryce shoves Nayr, who shoves back. Before they start brawling, GM The Rick enters the room to break them up.>

GMtR: Gentlemen. Gentlemen! You're missing the boat here. Everyone has aspirations, you morons. You're teaming up in Springfield, so you better figure out how to get along.

<GMtR leaves the room as Bryce and Nayr look at each other, pissed.>

[mooseheadjack]

AA and JA are watching The Indy Legend and the midget from around the corner.

AA: They didn't even mention us!

JA: How disrespectful!

AA: ...

JA: You're not going to say anything else?

AA: Nope. I was genuinely pissed. Now I'm back to not doing promos.

JA: So is disrespect enough to start a feud?

AA: I've seen worse. Unless you want to go throw some coffee on them or drag their Dad's coffin around behind your truck, I'm good.

[mooseheadjack]

Sexy Female Journalist #16 is standing by with the Onslaught Champion, "The Main Event" Chris Cole.

SFJ: Chris, you have had tough matches against both Alexander Darling & Seamus McNasty in recent weeks. Now you will have to face both at the same time in a triple threat match. How do you feel about that?

CC: The thinking must be that I've beaten both Darling & McNasty in singles matches and I have also gone to a 15 minute time limit draw with both of them as well. It looks like OOWF Brass is just trying to keep me challenged. I'm all for it. It will be a much tougher task since I have to make sure Darling & McNasty don't get a fall on each other.

SFJ: You aren't worried that the last time you fought each opponent you went to a draw?

CC: Worried isn't the right word. I am taking both results into account. Part of being the Onslaught Champion is adapting to the environment. The time limit draw is a win for me. Part of the challenge is that my opponents have to defeat me in the time frame. Anybody can tell you it is hard enough to defeat me in an hour let alone in 15 minutes.

Did you watch last week? The Onslaught Title is back, baby. Seamus & I had top billing and we tore the house down in the Main Event. It went to a draw but it wasn't like the modern WWE style Double DQ endings that piss everybody off. We went to the old school time limit draw. We gave the fans a fantastic wrestling match and were able to showcase the best of the Onslaught Division in a Main Event Match. So we are going to keep building on that momentum and adding to it. This triple threat match will just add to the legacy.

SFJ: What are your thoughts about last night's PPV?

CC: Well clearly I'm disappointed that we lost the elimination match. Stank really put up a hell of a fight and proved why he was able to break my OOWF World Heavyweight Championship record. I was surprised at how well Davin & myself managed to work as a team for as long as we did. I'm sure everybody here already knows how much we dispise each other. But I'm not going to blame last night on those differences. I'm man enough to call a spade a spade. Stank earned the win last night. If I was Davin I'd be worried because a motivated Stank is going to be tough to defeat. Between Stank and Eric O'Mac I think Davin's days as Champion are numbered.

SFJ: And your prospects on the World Heavyweight Title?

CC: I'm focusing on the Onslaught Title right now. Just know that when the time comes I'm going to throw my name back into the hat and I don't care if it is Stank, Eric O'Mac, Davin Moreland, or Santa Claus I'm going to become a 2 time World Heavyweight Champion.

[mooseheadjack]

We arrive at the OOWF Arena in whatever Springfield we are in this week. Firewoman disembark's from Phantos's pick up truck (because it's snowing and that's dangerous for motorcycles, and Alexander would never let her hear the end of it ...) and is immediately accosted by Sexy Male Journalist #12

FW: Hey, finally. You're lookin' mighty fine.

SMJ12: Firewoman, if you're riding with Phantos, does that mean that RunDEA is all on the same page now? What happened at the meeting at Davin's house?

FW: Easy there, Sparky. If that was any of your business, there would have been ninjacams there, and I'm sure I would have found someplace comfy for you to sleep, kay?

SMJ12: Oh, uh, okay....uh...

FW: See, here's the part where you ask me about my past match or my upcoming match.

She waits for SMJ12 to ask ... something. Anything.

FW: Fine. Sunday night, LD Williams did everything to me short of ripping my leg off and beating me with it. And a couple of times, it felt like he did. But you know what? In the end it didn't matter. You know why? Sorry to break this to you LD, as you seem like an okay guy, but I wasn't thinking about you. All I could think of was Tyson Kincaid, and what I would do to Tyson Kincaid if he were in the ring with me. When I looked into LD's eyes, it was Tyson's eyes I was thinking about, and how I could best shut them. And it took a while, because let's face it. You are no Tyson Kincaid. Be glad of that.

I guess Tyson could get all proud of himself, that he inspired me so. But don't. Really. Eventually Rick will put us against each other again. And once I've defeated the great LD Williams, and Spin Freakin' Hansen on Wednesday night, you will be like child's play.

Phantos comes around the corner carrying Firewoman's bag, like the gentleman he is.

P: Let's get to the locker rooms so we can go!

FW: Huh? Go where?

P: Lucios and I want to take you someplace.

FW: Uh-huh. Where?

P: It's a surprise. Kind of a thank you for taking us to that incredibly strange place we went to in Thailand, where Alexander got beat up by a ... what did you call it? A...."trannie?"

FW: Um, yeah, we aren't supposed to bring that up again, remember?

P: Oh yeah, right....okay, let's go!

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland is DOING AGILITY DRILLS~! in the Run DEA Locker Room and Suites, presented by Aquafina and Starwood Hotels. Samantha Darling is nowhere to be seen; neither is anyone else for that matter. That is, except for OMG...OGM Shawn Johnson who is holding a microphone, clearly looking for Alexander, and clearly looking for something to do. Davin wraps a towel around his neck after he notices her plight*

DM: What's up, jailbait?

OMGSJ: I'm 17.

DM: Congratulations, your older than Poe's jailbait.

OMGSJ: I'm bored.

DM: Why aren't you at the house?

OMGSJ: Whose house?

DM: MY House. Everyone else should be down there. At least I hope they are.

OMGSJ: Is Slamantha there too?

DM: That's not very nice.

OMGSJ: Hey...*I* didn't make it up.

DM: No, you didn't; and yes she is there; playing Holly Homemaker. Should be pretty comical, actually.

OMGSJ: So...why are you HERE, and not at home?

DM: You really want to know?

OMGSJ: Um...DUH That's why I asked!

DM: Well, now you know nothing with THAT attitude.

OMGSJ: Ok, fine, sorry. Why are you here?

DM: I'm done losing.

OMGSJ: What?

DM: You heard me. I'm done losing. I have more talent in my little finger than any three of these guys put together. I am bigger, stronger, faster than anyone. I am the single greatest talent ever to grace the OOWF Stage, and as a result, and I am the single greatest World Champion ever in the history of this company barring none. I am too good to lose to these bums in front of me every week; and I'm tired of it. So, I've decided to go back to what I know best. Training. Preparing. Scouting. Knowing what's going to happen before it does. If that pisses people off in the interim; tough shit.

OMGSJ: You mean Slamantha?

DM: What did I say before?

OMGSJ: Sorry.

DM: And primarily, yes; but there are others who just assume that I'm going to put up with the Mysterio booking, or think I'm essentially Scott Hall. Underestimate me. I've made my fucking living on suckers who've underestimated me.

OMGSJ: OHMIGOD, you're talking about people in DEA too, aren't you?

DM: RUN DEA. Don't you forget it. In case you haven't noticed; the actual Champions around here were here before the Darling Entertainment Agency was around. I'm sick and tired of the disrespect, and it's started right in this locker room. You're guilty of it Shawn. It's not your fault, but you're guilty of it too. It's going to change; and it's going to change now.

DM: When Lexie and I decided to combine forces; it was to make RUN DEA the most dominant force in the OOWF. As it stands, we've become a laughingstock. That's unacceptable. You know Alexander; you and Lexie have said some very true and honest things to me of late behind closed doors; and it was warranted, and received. I'm making a change as a result. My brothers have done their part and then some all along. However, I think it's time that we all look at ourselves a bit. Alexander. Firewoman. Alexis. Where are your contributions? That's why we've got the retreat this week. This needs to be resolved, and resolved now.

OMGSJ: You totally just called out Alexander and Firewoman! I'm not going to stand for that!

DM: I didn't call them out. It was a reminder. They understand. And as far as you not standing for it?

*Davin DESTROYS OMG Shawn Johnson on the floor with a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER. Her midget form is twitching around and she can probably use some medical attention.*

DM: That's a reminder for everyone else; and what exactly I'm capable of. Your World Champion is Dangerous and Awfully Pissed Off now. Congratulations. You all just bought yourself a World of Shit. And Mags? You know? We used to hang out at the catering table - doing our part for the best of the company. I'm glad you've healed up and rejoined us here in the OOWF. Unfortunately, your comeback will be short-lived. Don't worry; I'll have an ambulance ready for you after the match. Nothing personal. It rarely is.

DM: And Stank? I DARE you to interfere in the match. Please. I'm begging you. Do it.

*Davin leaves the room and the camera focuses on the still-unconscious gold medalist, and we fade*

[mooseheadjack]

(The camera comes up on Tytan DRIVING. He is still annoyed with how things went down at the PPV. His cell keeps on ringing and everytime he sees who it is usually it's either Poe or Selena he ignores it. Finally after turning off the radio he dials a familiar number.)

Tytan: Hello.

Voice: Jason is that you? It's been too damn long.

Tytan: Remember I don't go by that name anymore.

Voice: Sorry Tytan I forgot. So why the call? We aren't looking to take a walk down memory lane?

Tytan: Not the way your thinking. I need to meet with you I need to know some things.

Voice: It's time. You have finally realized that you haven't even done anything close to what you are capable of.

Tytan: Damn. I hate when you do that shit.

Voice: Sorry. So you want to meet?

Tytan: Exactly. The usual spot?

Voice: Yes, and I will make sure you are back by Mayhem.

Tytan: Good. It's a title shot.

Voice: But you won't win those titles until you cross the line that you need to cross, and you think I can help you?

Tytan: Yes.

Voice: Then get here as quick as you can.

Tytan: I was hoping you would say that. It will be an interesting Welcome Home.

Voice: Very true.

(FAde out)

[mooseheadjack]

<Moose walks into the Destroyitarium where we see Fear Us, Stank, Spin Hansen and DH Magnusson are all sitting. When Moose walks in, everyone stops what they are doing and just look at him. Moose ignores the stares and walks over to the table where Williams and Jack are sitting, orders a beer and sits down>

OBJ: No fear eh mate?

MHJ: Is there someone in here I should fear?

LDW: You should Fear Us

MHJ: You have been working on that catchphrase haven't you?

LDW: Can you tell?

MHJ: Hey, if anyone has a problem with me being in here, they will let me know.

LDW: I should have a problem with you

MHJ: For what?

LDW: You teamed with Firewoman

MHJ: Christ not you too

LDW: And she beat me

MHJ: Yeah? And?

LDW: You didn't have anything to do with that did you?

MHJ: You really think after what happened Wednesday that she would listen to a word I said? Beside, she is tough as hell, she caught you with that inside cradle when you had her vulnerable, could have happened to anyone

LDW: I suppose

OBJ: So, our match this week. Any way we don't walk out of there with the trios titles?

MHJ: Don't underestimate IHOP and The Amnesiac....

LDW: Who?

OBJ: Really?

LDW: Why am I the only one not allowed to have fun?

MHJ: Anyway, they have turned into a pretty tough unit, don't let their goofy promos fool you, they did beat Gods & Monsters and Eric to get those belts back

LDW: True, and Skurge is Canadian so you KNOW he is tough

OBJ: And I have seen The Amnesiac's work before he came to the OOWF, the kid is legit.

LDW: and SYB........

MHJ: I just want to punch that fucker in the face

<All three share a laugh>

LDW: Seriously, he is better

OBJ: That Hebrew Hammer is a nice move

MHJ: Like I said, we can't take them lightly, they may also have Fezzik with them, that big Grunt looking motherfucker

LDW: You know what makes me mad though?

MHJ: Canadian money?

LDW: Beside that. Those clowns are part of what is wrong with the OOWF right now. The three of us, we have been here since the beginning. We are the cornerstones of the OOWF, and yet, you will have IHOP ripping us, and making gay jokes

OBJ: And if they aren't bad enough, you have DEA, oh wait, excuse me RUN DEA throwing their weight around here like their shit don't stink. Have any of them even been here more than a year? I think Davin is here the longest, and he is just at a year and a half or so. The others, they are barely more than rookies. And yet, they walk around like they own the place. Think we should be afraid of them or some shit.

MHJ: Look, Run DEA's time will come. Right now, we have to focus on the Trios titles. We take those belts, and it is one less Run DEA will get, because there is no way they can beat us either.

OBJ: That all depends mate

MHJ: On what?

LDW: Look Moose, I didn't want to be the one to bring this up, but I figure better hearing it from me than one of those flighty SFJ's. What's your deal with Run DEA?

MHJ: What do you mean?

LDW: Look, you set things up with Fire, she can deny it all she wants right now, but she knows damn well you are a strong ally to have. And you and Moreland have this weird "respect" thing....

MHJ: Fair enough, but trust me when I say there is nothing there. As long as Darling is part of Run DEA, I will never be. Fire and I had a team of convenience that's all. As for Moreland, well lets just say I had some respect for the OLD Davin Moreland. The new one, well lets just say he leaves a lot to be desired.

OBJ: We had a feeling that was how you felt, but we wanted to hear it from you

MHJ: So, we all on the same page for this week?

LDW: Seems like it.

<fade>

[mooseheadjack]

*FADE IN TO THE PALATIAL IHOP LOCKER ROOM*

<SYB AND THE AMNESIAC ARE RUNNING ON TREADMILLS WHILE THE LOVELY AND TALENTED DOROTHY MANTOOTH IS IN HER OFFICIAL IHOP-LICENSED TANNING BED. SKURGE IS STILL ON ASSIGNMENT AND FEZZIK IS STILL OFF DOING FRENCH THINGS WITH HIS NEW FRIEND. I'M NOT HERE TO JUDGE, PEOPLE.>

SYB: Who do we have this week, fellow chimp?

The Amn: Fear Us and Moose. They’re already talking shit.

SYB: Let me guess – OBJ belched and said mate 500 times. Moose acted like a crazy tough guy when in reality he cries over a paper cut. I could take him out <snaps his fingers> in the blink of an eye. <looks at the camera> Hey Moose, Mankind called. He wants his gimmick back. Ooooh look at me, I’m so scary because I live in a boiler room. Trust me… blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up fat man and don’t even think about taking these belts from us. And stop raping sheep.

The Amn: Actually that IS kinda scary. Raping sheep?

SYB: Yeah well I was in the boiler room once and I saw a pair of cowboy boots that were way too big, even for Moose’s Harry and The Hendersons-esque feet.

The Amn: Fair enough. Look I don’t want to bring up the past but didn’t he make you his bitch a while ago?

SYB: Bitch is kinda strong, no?

The Amn: Brother, he made you shit yourself.

SYB: You saw that?

The Amn: Everybody saw that.

SYB: Yeah well there won’t be any shit at Mayhem. Never get in a war with a Joo when gold is on the line!

<The two run in silence for a few minutes>

The Amn: You know this is on OOWF-TV, right?

SYB: And?

The Amn: And Moose is probably watching this now at the Destroyitarium.

SYB: And? <He steps off his treadmill and faces The Amnesiac> I’m not worried about Fear Us or Ferris or Felch Us or whatever the fuck they want to be called. And I’m especially not worried about that fat, out of shape, boiler room balloon head…

<CRACK! Moose nails SYB with a barbed wire bat across the back, leaving the Joo yet again in another pile of his own piss and shit>

MHJ: Who’s laughing now?

The Amn: I’m not.

MHJ: And you are?

The Amn: I’m The Amnesiac!

MHJ. Sorry. Doesn’t ring a bell. Been here a while, have you?

The Amn: Long enough to know you’re going to get crushed by a phone booth.

MHJ: That’s just stupid – phone booths don’t just fall out of the sk…

<A LOUD WHISTLING SOUND IS HEARD AS THE PHONE BOOTH CRASHES THROUGH THE CEILING AND ON TO MOOSE’S LEGS. SKURGE STEPS OUT>

The Amn: Skurge!

SYB <getting up>: Thanks for the help, eh?

Skurge: No problem. I didn’t want to miss OOWF MidWeek Mayhem Lve! From Springfield, Maine when we defend our Chimpanzees on Tricycles belts against Ferris and Noose.

SYB: Lve?

Skurge: Eh?

SYB: You said Lve.

Skurge: Don’t blame me, apparently this is booked by a 5 year-old. Speaking of which, isn’t it time for Noose to switch teams? He’s been on kz, now with Ferris, where’s he going next? The Heels? Gaps and Ministers?

The Amn: Noose?

Skurge: OK not one of my better names but if you want a really good joke, look at his face.

<The camera zooms in on a struggling Moose who is trying to free himself from the phone booth>

MHJ: I was only going to pin you in the ring, now I’m going to skin you alive. All three of you.

Skurge: Your legs are crushed by a fucking phone booth, chief. Should you really be making threats right now?

MHJ: Tis but a fucking scratch. <to SYB> And to you, you little fuck. I’m going to enjoy using your skin as a coat. Fucking Silence of the Lambs style.

SYB: That’s precious, really.

MHJ: It gets the phone booth off Moose or else it gets fucked up at Mayhem. It does whatever’s it told.

The Amn: Sorry Jame, no dice. We got other things to do. Let’s go chimps.

SYB: Goodbye horses.

<IHOP & The Amnesiac head out of their palatial locker room>

*FADE*

[mooseheadjack]

<Stank is on his cell phone...>

Stank - Yeah... yeah I know.... ... he double dogged DARED me... I know... I should oblige him, but I wouldn't want to steal plays from Run DEA's playbook... Lock, you're such an ass... Because only YOU would make THAT connection... HA! HA!... ... ... No! Fuck NO!... You don't know him like I do... Mags can handle himself against our World Champ just fine without me... ... sure... ... ... okay... ... ... who's there?... ... The interrupting co-- ... ... Yeah I get it... ... yeah sure, it was funny... really... ... really I can't contain my laughter... how do you know?... ... ... of course it wasn't funny... ... because knock knock jokes are stupid... ... ...

<Stank ends the call and finishes his beer just as Concrete Takaken Gryfon walks in and seats himself next to Stank.>

CTG - Citizen Stank.

Stank - Crete... I thought we had an understan--

CTG - KAIOKEN!

<Crete suddenly BURSTS into FLAMES!! Stank jumps out of his seat and gawks at the display! Spin and DH Magnusson run into the room to see what the commotion is about. The bartender cowers behind the bar.>

Spin - What the...?

DHM - Is that Concrete?

<The members of Drink and Destroy stare at the spectacle of Crete's bio-luminescence. Will the Destroyitarium be consumed by fire? What could this awesome display of light mean? Will it have any bearing on Stank and Crete's upcoming match? And why does Crete have a tail? Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of... GryfonBALL Z!>

On the next GryfonBALL Z!...

<The members of Drink and Destroy continue to stare at the spectacle of Crete's bio-luminescence.>

Stank -

DHM -

Spin - ... it's been like, ten minutes. He's just standing there with his fists clenched.

DHM -

Stank - Lock was just telling me a knock knock joke over the phone. You want to hear it?

Spin - Sure.

Stank - Knock, Knock.

Spin - Who's there?

Stank - The interrupting cow.

Spin - The interru--

Stank - MOOOOOOOOOO!

Spin -

DHM -

Stank - ... ... I didn't think it was funny either.

DHM - Look! Look! Crete's making a move... ... no. no wait... he's just raising an eyebrow.

Stank - Maybe if we wait four more episodes he'll finish whatever he's doing by Wednesday night.

<fade>

[mooseheadjack]

<Nayr and Bryce Larson are working out for their match against The Chicken Shit Heels, a workout arranged by GM The Rick. We join said workout in progress.>

BL: ...What the hell was that? A Shooting Star Press? I can do one better than that.

<Larson nails a SSP on the helpless jobber hired to help them train.>

BL: And I can do this.

<Larson picks helpless jobber (from this point on known as HJ) up and hits a Michunoku Driver.>

N: I can do a Michinoku Driver better than that!

<Nayr picks up HJ and nauls a picture perfect Michinoku Driver, but Larson isn't impressed.>

BL: Yeah, that was okay, but it's called a Michinoku Driver #2, you dweeb.

N: Hey, you have no right to call me that.

BL: Do too!

N: Do not!

<Nayr and Bryce nearly come to blows again, but instead Bryce scoops HJ up and nails another Michinoku Driver, which Nayr immediately follows up with a Shooting Star Press. Nayr covers and Bryce counts the three on HJ. Both men realize what just happened, and give each other the "not bad" look.>

[mooseheadjack]

**Scheme Gene approaches Fear Us, who are at the arena loading dock – Golfing?**

SG: “Gentlemen, there you are! Have yo- What are you doing?”

OBJ: “Practicing.”

**OBJ hits a beautiful shot that sails across the parking lot and pegs Phantos’ truck. The alarm sounds.**

SG: “But, those aren’t golf balls, they’re…little monkeys on tricycles?”

LDW: “Chimpanzees, Gene.”

**Williams takes a shot that also hits Phantos’ truck, silencing the alarm.**

SG: “You’re golfing with IHOP merchandise?”

OBJ: “We’re in a global recession Gene. Golf Balls are expensive.”

LDW: “IHOP merchandise? Not so much.”

OBJ: “Did you want something Gene?”

SG: “While the two of you are here taking cheap shots at IHOP's marketability, they’ve attacked Moosehead Jack with a phone booth!”

OBJ: “A phone-“

LDW: “Skurge is back.”

**Fear Us storm off toward the HOP locker room, clubs in hand. OBJ calls back over his shoulder.**

OBJ: “See Gene, that’s why we were practicing.

[mooseheadjack]

<IHOP and The Amnesiac head out their locker room door, and they see Fear Us hauling ass toward them gold clubs ready to dent their skulls, Skurge and The Amnesiac steady themselves and get ready for a fight. SYB turns around, screaming like a bitch and runs back into the locker room, where he runs right into a HEARTPUNCH by Moosehead Jack. SYB hits the floor, barely conscious.

Outside, in the hallway, Jack and Williams get there, Williams swings for Skurge's head, but he ducks, and Williams impales the club in the wall. Skurge takes Williams down and they brawl on the floor. Outback Jack fakes The Amnesiac out and goes low, jamming the club into his midsection, then uses the club to take him down to the floor with a side Russian legsweep. They fight through the halls as well.

Meanwhile back in the locker room, Moose pulls SYB to his feet and slams him face first through one of the panels of glass on the phone booth, then reaches into the booth and presses some random numbers, and the booth rockets up through the roof of the Springfield Arena, taking SYB with it, hanging by his neck and clinging to the booth for dear life.

Moose picks up a handy chair and heads out to the hall. As he gets out there Skurge is getting to his feet, but Moose staggers him with a chair shot to the back of the head, as Skurge lurches forward, Williams plants him on the floor with a DDT. Meanwhile, The Amnesiac has fought back to his feet, but by now, it is three on one. Moose smacks The Amnesiac on the back with the chair, and Jack and Williams KILL him with the CALL OF THE WILD! The Amnesiac is DEAD!

LD, Jack and Moose all stand there surveying the carnage for a moment, finally LD speaks>

LD; Where's SYB?

MHJ: No idea

LD: What do you mean, "no idea"

MHJ: I slammed his head into the phone booth, and sent it off somewhere into history, he could be anywhere

OBJ: He could be getting gang raped by cavemen right now

LDW: He's so easy, a caveman could do him

<Moose and Jack look at LD>

LDW: What? Dammit why am I not allowed to make jokes?

OBJ: We need a drink, especially you

LDW: What?

<the three head to the Destroyitarium>

[mooseheadjack]

*FU & Moose walk into the Destroyitarium. The clock reveals it's several hours after Blown Spot's promo. Crete has a more extensive aura of glowing light around him. He has completed the act of raising his eyebrow. His face shows an expression of great intensity, or perhaps severe constipation, or some combination thereof. Stank is reading a newspaper at the bar. The Midnight Sons are shooting pool. *

Bartender: HIS POWER LEVEL IS OVER 9,000!

Stank: Why do you keep saying that?

MHJ: We are not staying here.

OBJ: But I can get free beer here.

LDW: He's got a point.

MHJ: But we've got to put up with that! *points at Crete, who has raised his eyebrow another millimeter*

Bartender: HIS POWER LEVEL IS OVER 9,000!

LDW: Also a good point

[mooseheadjack]

Phantos and Firewoman are back at the RunDEA suites, having helped a certain Olympic Gold Medalist to the medical room, and being oblivious (for now) at a certain target practice taking place that better be missing the motorcycle in the bed of the truck, if people know what's good for them.

FW: Dude, according to this note, we were supposed to stay at Davin's the whole time, not just the day.

P: Oh... well, I thought we were done?

FW: So where were you and Luscious going to take me? A strip club?

P: Goodness no! I mean...well, according to this brochure, I don't think there's one in Springfield, Maine. I don't think there's anything here.

FW: Swell. What am I supposed to do for fun?

P:....well.....we could.......

FW: What? There's like nothing to do here. I mean, look at this...there's only 374 people that live here!!

P: What I was thinking though....

FW: I mean, I guess if you're into deer hunting, this is the place. But that totally doesn't sparkle with me, you know?

P: Yeah. Um...Totally? Anyway, there might be something....

FW: Oh my gosh, look at this....

P: What?

FW: This line...right here....

P: "According to our research there were no registered sex offenders living in this town in early 2007."

FW: Yeah, well now the OOWF is here, so they'll have to change that.

P: Fire, seriously. About our match against Gods and Monsters.

FW: What about it?

P: Well, we need someone to come down with us. That little groupie, or whatever she is, might interfere, so Luscious...darn it!....Lucios and I wanted to ask you.....

FW: I don't think that's a good idea....

P: Why not?

FW: It just isn't, okay?

Firewoman goes back to perusing the "Fun Facts of Springfield." Phantos appears to be deep in thought.

FW: Oh hey, I got you something when I was in LA.

She tosses him a bag that says "Jenni's Leather Shop" on it.

P: I'm kind of afraid to open it....

FW: Aw, c'mon....live a little.

He opens the bag and pulls out....a luchador mask!! It is white leather mask with flames.

P: Hey, sweet!

FW: Yeah...it matches this one. We could maybe wear them...together.

She holds up one that matches, but is a little bit smaller. About Firewoman-size

P:.....Oh.....uh....OH!...but what about....

FW: [smiling] Relax, Captain. I got one for Lucios too. I had a feeling that's how this would go....

P: These are AWESOME! Thanks!!!

FW: You're welcome.

P:.......

FW:.......

P: You could wear it when you come down during our match tomo--

FW: [anger flares] Are you fucking deaf? I told you I'm not--

P: Okay, okay. I just thought....you know, after our little retreat this weekend....we all promised to work together and stuff.... But yeah, it'll be fine. Selena's probably not going to do anything....

FW:.....[fuming]

P: ........[doing something that might be a fake pout, but it's hard to tell with the mask on]........

FW: FINE. I'll do it.

P: Great!! I'll tell Lucios. Thanks, Fire!

Phantos runs to his locker room to call Lucios. Fire looks down at her mask, and sighs.

[mooseheadjack]

Limo pulls up to Darby’s Restaurant & Pub (155 High Street Belfast, Maine 04915) and Gaelic Storm steps out and walks into the bar.
As they take their seats, a SFJ # 245 steps up to Seamus and begins an interview.
Seamus lights his cigar and takes a long drag and blows it into her face

SFJ: “Yuck, that’s disgusting, smoking is bad for your health.”
Seamus: “My grandfather lived to be 95 years old.”
SFJ: “Did he smoke cigars?”
Seamus: “No but he minded his own fucking business”
SFJ: “What do you think of your match with Damon?”
Seamus:” Ohhh, that’s a tough question there, I think the money spent at the American School of Broadcasting was well spent… I think I kicked his ass…again. Look I carried his dead ass for long enough, He’s a tough bastard but I’m moving on…go ask him…He’ll probably ramble on with something like “Me a gooder fighter than him, I fight good and me better looking”…or some drunken, half English, short bus horseshit.”
SFJ: “What about Chris Cole?”
Seamus: “Great follow up Cindy”
SFJ: “It’s Sarah”
Seamus: “Anyway Holly, You know Chris Cole is a fine wrestler, but he reminds me of the Miz, great potential, but never lives up to it, it’s like he does enough to get by but never gives 105%, not like Randy Orton, who has no potential and still underwhelms the masses, but Chris gets down on his knees every night…and no I’m not talking about the glory hole thing he does over at the White Castle…I’m talking later after he brushes the salty taste out of his mouth…he gets down on his knees and he thanks his God for helping him keep that belt, because when he’s all alone, just him and his teddy bear named Rupert that he drinks tea with out of those little plastic cups with his pinky out…that’s when he knows I got his number…you’d get that Debbie?
SJF: “It’s Sarah!”
Seamus: “Of course it is…now if you continue with this hard hitting fact finding line of questioning you are probably gonna ask me about Zander D…well, Alex my little friend and I have been down that road and I have no issues with him…but that doesn’t mean I won’t use his skull as a bed pan if he gets in my way…so SARAH, let me make this easy for you..Rory, Liam, grab the on notice board, cause I want all the boys in the OOWF to understand they are on notice…”
SFJ: “ Ahh you forgot about Firewoman…”
Seamus: “Honey how can I ever forget about Fire…I still have rashes besides she’s more man than half the locker room…”
Rory and Liam walk up to the table and place the board on the table
AC/DC
Guns and Roses
Sarah Palin
Bill O’Reilly
Detroit Lions
Wall Street
Auto-makers
Kobe Bryant
The Cleveland Browns
Rick Nash
Seamus: “Hmmmm, Let’s see, AC/DC over ten years and a shitty Wal-mart only CD,G and R…what the fuck took 20 some years, Sarah Palin…just keep talking you dumb ass, Bill O’Reilly ahhh that’s Mr. Dumb Ass, the Lions…man how bad can you be, it’s like watching a Tytan match, Wall Street fuck all you bastards, the auto makers too, damn Michigan sucks, Kobe….hmmm still a rapist, the Browns…I think Rory is starting at quarterback this week, Rick Nash….mmmm. 10 points in 13 games and a November to remember…yeah take off Rick and put the OOWF wrestlers on the board…now everyone knows YOU'RE ON NOTICE!”
Seamus: “All right, we done, so take off Geddy”
SFJ: “IT’s SARAH!!!!!”

[mooseheadjack]

We fade into the backstage area, where once again, an SFJ stands in front of an OOWF banner.

SFJ: Ladies and gentlemen, my guest at this time will be facing Damon Wrath on this week's Impact. Please welcome "The Riot Act" Tyson Kincaid.

Kincaid steps into frame.

SFJ: Tyson, you're fresh off another victory at last Sunday's pay-per-view and tomorrow night you step into the ring with Damon Wrath. What are your thoughts going into this match?

TK: To be honest, I don't have any. Damon Wrath hasn't even entered my mind. I have enough confidence in my abilites to worry about him when the bell rings and not before.

SFJ: OK. On another subject, last week Firewoman showed some footage of your time together at Storm Wrestling Academy, clearly trying to illustrate your...

SFJ nervously hesitates, clearly searching for the most delicate word to use.

SFJ...demons. Do you have any comments?

Kincaid stiffens and raises his voice slightly.

TK: Comments? I'll go one better than just comments. You see, Lisa's not the only one who can show old video from SWA. She's also not the only one with baggage. We all know that she has a temper that needs to be controlled but no one knows just how volatile she can be - especially when her dosage isn't quite high enough.

Roll the footage.

We cut to the familiar scene from last week with a wrestling ring sitting in the middle of a plain, industrial looking building with walls covered with wrestling posters and memorabilia. We can see Lance Storm standing in the ring, watching over a group training session. Eight students occupy the ring and as they go through their drills, it is immediately clear that two of them are head-and-shoulders above the rest. Obviously, those two students are Tyson Kincaid and Firewoman.

The camera shows Firewoman bounce off the ropes and prepare herself to take a back drop from another student. The student bends down, but instead of flipping over top of him, Firewoman lets out a war cry and kicks him hard in the face.

Confusion as to what lead to this seemingly unprovoked attack quickly turns to panic as we see Storm, Kincaid and the other students attempt to pry Firewoman off the student who is trying in vain to cover up and protect himself. Each time the group manages to get her away from the student, she lets out another scream and continues the attack.

This goes on for several attempts until Kincaid leans over and starts talking into Firewoman’s ear as she continues to reign down upon her victim with heavy blows. Finally, she relents and Kincaid guides her over to a corner of the ring while the rest of the class tends to the beaten and bloody student lying motionless on the canvas.

The video ends and the scene cuts back to Kincaid.

TK: I’ve got entire tapes full of this stuff.

So you see, when I said last month that Firewoman used me, perhaps I wasn’t being entirely fair. No, she didn’t use me, she needed me. Without me, her temper, her irrepressible rage would have landed her behind bars.

Face it, Lisa. We were so successful together because we compensated for each others weaknesses. Alone, we each had that one missing piece that prevented us from being truly great, but together we were complete and we were unstoppable.

But a time came when you realized that you could find a way to complete that puzzle without me. And eventually, I arrived to the same point.

And now? Now, it’s a blood feud. Two wrestlers with overwhelming flaws, both destined for absolute greatness who want nothing more than to see the other one suffer.

You have no one to blame but yourself for what will happen next.

Fade.

[mooseheadjack]

Neil Patrick Harris sneaks into a closed off gym. He motions for a cameraman to follow him. Just as he enters, what looks like a mannequin or dummy goes flying by with it’s head following behind it, rolling on the floor. The cameraman points to where it came from and we see Poe standing watching the dummy slam into the wall. Selena is off to the side hopping and clapping. Tytan is watching, seemingly impressed.

Poe: That, my friend, is how you do a truly dangerous Yakuza Kick.

Tytan sees Harris.

T: Who the hell are you and how did you get in here?

SG: Hey, it’s creepy dude.

NPH: Hey guys…

Poe and Tytan glare at Harris.

NPH: Gods & Monsters…sirs…

Poe: What do you want?

NPH: I was hoping I could get an interview with you about your title match.

T: Why should we talk to you? I got my own interviewer and honestly, I’d much rather talk to a hot piece of ass than you.

NPH: Please, I’m about to be fired if I don’t get an interview soon. I don’t wanna go back to making sitcoms. Everyone still calls me Doogie.

SG: Aw, poor fella.

Poe: Fine, let’s make this quick.

Harris smiles and stands next between Poe and Tytan.

NPH: Let’s start with you, Tytan. Your team was victorious at November Pain so you have some sort of title shot coming up in your near future. How would singles glory affect your position on this team?

T: November Pain wasn’t the best night for me, but you’re right, I have some sort of title shot coming. But you see, here’s the bottom line. Gods & Monsters are a unit. We’re not just a tag-team. We support each other and are happy with each other’s successes, whether it be as a team or individually. Ain’t that right big man?

Harris places the microphone in front of Poe.

Poe: You are right my friend. Separate we are forces to be reckoned with. Together…well…we’re simply unstoppable. Phantos, Lucios, you escaped last time we met. You will not be so fortunate this time.

NPH: Poe, throughout your history in this business, most would say you’re not a great team player. So what’s changed?

Poe stares at Harris for a moment.

Poe: People can say what they want. Those I have turned on have deserved it. Those who turned on me ultimately regret it.

NPH: Some would also say you’ve all but forgotten about Alexander darling since coming to OOWF…

Poe: Oh, I have not forgotten. You see, the Boy is a temperamental fool. He gets blindsided by some idea, goal, or distraction very easily. One day…he won’t see it coming. And then, Boy…your career…and your soul…are mine.

NPH: Okay, that’s creepy. Tytan…any particular title you’d like to add to the Tag Team Titles should you be victorious tomorrow night?

T: Once we win those belts tomorrow, I will go full throttle after whatever title shot I get. Whoever you are…you have my belt and I’m comin’ for ya.

NPH: Thanks guys, you might have saved my career. Oh, one more thing, in case you didn’t see OOWF-TV, FireWoman has agreed to be in Phantos & Lucios’ corner tomorrow night. Any thoughts? Poe?

Poe: She knows better than to get involved. If she does…well…it’ll be a hot time in the ol’ town tomorrow night. Ain’t that right…Fire? Namasdeh.

SG: *singing* There’ll be a hot time, in the ol’ town, toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Tytan and Harris just stare at her.

SG: Oh…Nevermore.

NPH: Any of you got any weed?

[mooseheadjack]

The Amnesiac is DEAD.

[mooseheadjack]

(Stank peeks over his newspaper at Crete, whose expression is actually... softening?)

CTG: so... are you at least going to talk to me about our match?

Stank: Am I? You're the one glowin in the dark

CTG: The only way I can continue is if you try to match my power.

Stank: I don't even know what muscle to flex for that, Crete. Shut that crap off before I hear the bartender say-

Bartender: IT'S OVER 9,000~!!!!!!!

CTG: You know what? I'm sick of hearing that too

(CTG's hand suddenly snaps up and directly into the face of the bartender)

Bartender: (drops under the bar)

Stank: you gonna be using that crap in our match?

CTG: (grin) heh.... I could, but then it wouldn't be a fair fight

Stank: you'd rather have a fair fight than just destroy me?

CTG: what's the fun in destroying you? The thrill is in the battle

Stank: I don't know whether to call you a geek or a weirdo.

CTG: (shuts off the Kaioken) whew... keeping that up for five minutes is rough

Stank: Five minutes?

CTG: Five minutes of story time.... (counts) about 10 episodes. See you in the ring ^_^ (teleports out of the bar)

[mooseheadjack]

So, we're not sure how, but somehow the ninja cameraman is able to shoot the afterlife of The Amnesiac, after he dies at the hands of Moosehead Jack and Fear Us. We see The Amnesiac, in very pale colors, walking down a hallway.

AMN: What the hell?

A voice from behind him speaks up.

Voice: No, not hell. Limbo.

The Amnesiac turns around to see a man standing behind him. Although, it's not exactly a man, but a figure in a long black cloak with a hood over his head.

AMN: Who in the blue fuck are you?

Hooded Figure: Who I am is of no importance to you. I am simply here to guide you to your final resting place.

AMN: What do you mean, final resting place?

HF: Well, I'm afraid you've died.

AMN: Died? What the hell?

HF: See, you keep using that term. Did you somehow know where you were going to wind up?

AMN: What?! I'm going to wind up in hell?

HF: Well, that's where I've been instructed to accompany you.

AMN: No way... I'm not going. Can't I go back to Earth and be a ghost or something?

HF: No. We don't make any deals here. We just take you where you're supposed to go. So why don't you come peacefully with me.

At this point, the hooded figure grabs a pole off the nearby wall, with a blade attached to it. It's a scythe. The figure removes his hood, revealing a very pale, almost skeletal visage. It's the Grim Reaper.

AMN: I'm sorry, I'm not just going to go to hell peacefully.

GR: Well then, I guess I have no choice. I won't be accompanying you to hell, but you're certainly going.

Suddenly, The Amnesiac starts gliding towards a nearby door in the hallway. He falls to his knees, and tries to get a grip on the smooth stone floor, to no avail. The door opens, and The Amnesiac goes through it. Somehow, the ninjacam is able to follow The Amnesiac through the door.

On the other side of the door, the scene comes back to full color. The Amnesiac is standing in an empty room. There is a door at the other end of the room, and through the door strolls a Sexy Female Journalist. Behind her, is Moosehead Jack. The SFJ is carrying a microphone. The Amnesiac just stands there, confused.

SFJ: So, what do you have to say about your upcoming match, Moose?

MHJ: Well... I just wanted to reiterate how big and badass I am, and how my opponent is going to suffer at my hands. My opponent won't know exactly what to expect, because I'm insane. I am capable of many atrocities. The destruction that I can deal out is unfathomable. My opponent has no idea what depths I am willing to submit myself to in order to guarantee victory. I don't trust my opponent, but I also don't underestimate my opponent. My opponent has been through a lot of tough brawls in his or her life, but never any as tough as what they're about to face.

SFJ: So how would you rate your chances?

The Amnesiac turns away from the promo, and tries to go back through the door he was forced in from. It's locked. He runs to the other side of the room, to try and open the door that SFJ and MHJ came through. Also locked. Suddenly, The Amnesiac looks panicked.

AMN: Wait, wait... stop this promo.

But neither the SFJ nor Moose seem to hear or notice The Amnesiac. Moose just continues droning on about his toughness, insanity and willingness to bleed. The Amnesiac's panic turns into a look of horror.

AMN: Wait a second... so you mean to tell me that my own personal hell is having to listen to continuous Moosehead Jack promos?

After a beat, The Amnesiac runs to the original door he came through and starts pounding on it.

AMN: Please! For the love of god, please let me out!

MHJ: My opponent is going to suffer greatly. My opponent will never see it coming. I don't trust anyone, so I'm ready for anything.

AMN: Please! GRIM REAPER! LET ME OUT!

MHJ: Blah blah blah blah blood. Blah blah blah damage. Brawl blah blah blah.

*FADE TO BLACK*

[mooseheadjack]

Spin is in the boiler room. Flames from a barrel light the room...)

SH: Firewoman, we meet again. Another week, another match, another loss for you.

(He twitches violently, and then starts shouting...)

Ka mate, ka mate
Ka ora, ka ora
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra
Upane, upane
Upane kaupane
Whiti te ra!

(He follows this up with incoherent yelling as the camera fades...)

[mooseheadjack]

*FADE BACK IN TO THE AMNESIAC’S AFTERLIFE*

<The Amnesiac’s eyes and ears are gushing blood after the latest MHJ promo in which respect is mentioned 500 times>

The Amn: Make it stop. For the love of God and everything holy, nothing can be worse than this!

<A nearby door opens and SYB is thrown in. The door quickly closes behind him.>

The Amn: I was wrong.

SYB <pounding on the door>: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR MOTHER!

The Amn: Joo boy!

SYB: Hey Amnesiac.

The Amn: THE Amnesiac.

SYB: For fuck’s sake dude, we’re dead. You really wanna be bitching about nomenclature and whatnot in the afterlife?

The Amn: So what happened to you?

SYB: MooseheadFucko over there sent me to 1939 Poland. Nuff said.

The Amn: So now what? How do we get out of here?

SYB: Beats me. What the hell is Skurge gonna do now? The chimps are dead. This is like Project X or something.

The Amn: Skurge will have a plan. He always finds a way.

*FADE*