OOWF MidWeek Mayhem/Onslaught Tournament 05/18/05

[mooseheadjack]

Donovan Viper vs. GimmickMan - OOWF World Title Match
Moosehead Jack, Concrete TG, Outback Jack & GatorBait vs. Uncle Entity, Mercury, FF Capslock & Stank
The Devil's Brigade vs. UnderDawg & Niles Anderson
Blackdragon vs. Morte
Mark Vander vs. Semaj B
Johnny Adrenaline vs. Corax - OOWF Intercontinental Title Match
LD Williams vs. Attitude Adjuster
Microplay vs. Chris Alt
3Piece Set vs. Revolution XX - OOWF World Tag Team Title Steel Cage Match
Onslaught Tournament - Round 2
Firechild vs. JW Westgaard
Seraph vs. Capellan
Hellion vs. Canadian Dragon
Endo vs. Thim Reynolds

Card subject to divine providence.

[mooseheadjack]

*CTG, MHJ, GB, and OBJ are watching footage of FFC and Stank earlier tonight*
CTG: Citizens!
OBJ: Actually, I just have a green card.
MHJ: I don't believe I'm hearing this.
CTG: Did you safely procure the services of a cab driver?
GB: Watch this. *puts a tape into VCR*

*OBJ & GB's cab circles the parking lot, and they get out next to a car covered with graffiti. They hang out for a while, then start gesturing wildly. An SFJ shows up with a camera crew, points to graffiti including various insults and a phone #. Camera pans back, to show FFC & Stank standing by a car with similar graffiti and the same phone # spray painted. They get into the car and speed out of the parking lot.

Camera pans back to OBJ and Gator, who walk away from the other defaced car, and hop into a car driven by the local Outback Steakhouse manager. *

MHJ: What the hell was the point of that?
OBJ: Well, the guy from the restaraunt did us a favor, so we thought we'd do our best to shut down the local Red Lobster.
CTG: But then to whom did the other vehicle belong?
GB: To whom?
MHJ: Welcome to my world.
OBJ: Well, Scheme Gene rented it. But I have a hunch the champ will hear about this.

[mooseheadjack]

*Soul Draogn is seen limping down the street, tryin to get his Knee back into shape as quick as posissble. Floolwing him, the Random Guy.

RG: So Soul Dude, why not take a break.
SD: Shutup Random Guy,...do you even have a name?
RG: yup
SD: What is it?
RG: Random Appearnace Guy
SD: Wait Random Guy is your name?
RG: yes...I know sad isnt it?
SD: Heck yea!
RG:Why dont you curse?
SD: Cuz I'm not angry......
RG: Oh....Can you bring me into OOW-
SD: Hell no...
RG: well can I atleat get some type of job.
SD: How about my Towel boy, and the guy that helps me cheat?
RG: SOund good to me.
SD: Ur gunna need some wrestlng experience....beside that Random Right Jab of doom.
RG: Huh..*Randomly hits him with it and SD falls over on his face*
SD: OW!!!! You little ass!*Gets up and chases him down the street
RG: AHHH*Runs as fast as possible*
SD:*Catches and Death Blows him* Now stay down. Ow....my knee...
RG:@.@

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan is WALKING WITH A PIZZA~!

As he comes around a corner in the backstage, he walks into a Big Boot from Uncle Entity. Capellan goes down hard as Mercury swoops in to grab the pizza before it can hit the floor.

"Man, we should keep this kid around just for all the free food." Mercury smirks to Entity.

Uncle Entity nods as the two heels help themselves to a slice of pizza each.

"Thanks punk." Mercury puts a kick into Capellan's side as he finishes his slice, then he and Entity walk off down the hallway, each contentedly munching on their second piece of pizza.

As soon as they are out of site, Capellan kips up to his feet. He reaches inside his jacket and pulls out an empty jar labeled 'EXTRA STRONG LAXATIVE POWDER'.

"You're welcome dude." he grins to himself, "I think you're gonna love the special seasoning."

[mooseheadjack]

Harper Camby enters the Devil's Brigade lockerroom. Tommy & Donovan Viper are reviewing the tape of Donnie's win at Mayhem.

HC: The Rick posted next week's lineup for Mayhem.

TO: De ay get Nials?

HC: Yea and I got Underdawg but instead of two singles matches he booked all four of us in a tag team match.

DV: That's pretty sweet. You guys have been tagging together for aawhile. Niles & Dwag don't even like each other. You guys can kill two birds with one stone. That's cool. Now we can put more focus into my match with Gimmickman.

TO: Don worry abot dat fekkin losa Gimmack. Me and 'arpa ul mak sure he dont get rowday wit ya.

DV: um, yea

HC: We'll make sure you and Gimmick have a "fair match"

DV: I know you guys will. My life has been so much easier with you two around even though The Rick is trying to screw me over at every turn.

HC: I do have one request this week Champ.

DV: What's that.

HC: When we got out and check out Chevy Chase, Maryland this week I want no more helicopter rides. I'll take my chances in the parking lot. I mean seriously. Would you mess with me?

DV: Point taken.

[mooseheadjack]

*Underdawg is sitting in his lockerroom when Niles bursts in.*

Niles - alright Dawg, we're gonna do it this way. I am obviously the superior force in the ring here so let me do the work so that I can soften up Donnie for my match with him the following week. Then you can meet me in the cage and all will be cool.

Dawg - awfully confident for a guy I just pinned a couple weeks ago.

Niles - didn't pin me clean though. I had you til that meddling Chris Alt messed things up.

Dawg - whatever. Listen, there is no plan. We go in there, we don't get in each others way and we should have no problem taking out the Devil's Chumps.

Niles - who the hell do you think you...

*Underdawg stands up and walks right over to Niles with the most intense look in his eyes. Niles cowers back a bit, then unconvincingly tries to regain his composure.*

Niles (wobbly voice) - You best not be... steppin' to the... Specimen.

Dawg - You best not be stepping to me or I'll send you right back in the test tube you came from. We might not like each other, but we're both agreed on one thing. You're good Niles, but not as good as me. And if you get in my way, I don't care if we win or lose this match, I'll take you out. You work with me just this once and we'll both get through fine and I promise I won't get involved in your title match the following week. But don't get all big man on me. You ain't got the balls to do it.

*Underdawg then brushes Niles aside and exits the room. Niles glares at the Underdawg.*

Niles (under his breath) - Oh, I don't have the balls, do I? We'll see about that.

*Fade to black*

[mooseheadjack]

Originally posted by Harper Camby

HC: I do have one request this week Champ.

DV: What's that.

HC: When we got out and check out Chevy Chase, Maryland this week I want no more helicopter rides. I'll take my chances in the parking lot. I mean seriously. Would you mess with me?

DV: Point taken.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TO: yea da fekkin choppa was a 'ole mess a shite

DV: um OK

HC: CHopper equals Bad Idea

DV: ya think?.....

TO: champ...ya know wat I tink? I tink me an' 'Arp neeed some fekkin' gold to go along wit yas

DV: all I heard was gold...

HC: HE thinks we should go after some straps...The tag titles I'm assuming?

TO: YA damn right 'Arpa...

DV: Sounds Like a plan to me gentlemen, then you'll be the World F*Cking Tag Team Champs and I'll continue to be the best damn world F*cking champ in the HIstory of the OOWF!

[mooseheadjack]

3PS is discussing straegy in their lockeroom after a great party the night before. There are empty bottles lying around, broken pictures and furniture, and the groupies are all passed out half naked on the floor. Cole & Ax are sitting down talking it over when Firechild comes back into the lockerroom.

FC: Alright I got next week's lineup. I got Westgaurd in the next round as we already knew. You guys are defending the straps against Revolution XX.

Ax: Again?? We did that 2 weeks ago.

Cole: No sweat, this time we are going to finish them.

Ax: I watched their match last week against Camby & O'Neil and one thing we need to account for is LD Williams. That bitch cheats like a motha

FC: I hate that guy.

CC: Good, we'll use that. You need to make sure L.D. sticks his nose out of 3Piece Set's business so that we can finally take care of those rejects one and for all.

Ax: Got it?

FC: Got it.

[mooseheadjack]

*Stank and FF Capslock exit a defaced vehicle in front of the local Outback Steakhouse. He and FFC then enter the restaurant*

Waitress - Hi welcome to Outback Steakhouse!

FFC - How long is the wait?

Waitress - 20 to 30 minutes.

Stank - We can't wait that long. We want to speak to the manager.

Waitress (annoyed) - I'm sorry the manager is not in today... What's that smell?

Stank - That's my stank.

Waitress - Phew! Would you mind waiting outside sir? You're disturbing the customers.

Stank - Yes I DO mind. Now I told you we want to speak to the manager. And don't give me that crap about him not being here. Who's that guy over there in the white shirt with the manager tag, in gold, on his breast pocket?

Waitress - Oh that's just...

FFC - Save it. That's the guy Stank.

Stank - Yo manager! We want to talk to you about your Queensland Chicken and Shrimp! Why do we get only 3 shrimp!

*The manager looks up and sees the behemoths standing by the entrance. He takes off running through the back. FFC bolts after him while Stank walks out front. FFC nearly catches the manager but trips over an overturned trashcan. The manager jumps into his GEO Metro and tries to drive around front but runs into a wall. Airbag blown into his face, the manager tries to escape but realizes to his dismay, as he is being yanked out of his vehicle, that wasn't a wall he ran into... it was...*

Stank - Ow.

*FFC runs up from behind, short of breath. He and Stank carry the manager to the back.*

FFC - All we wanted to do was talk. Then you made us chase you. Now, this will be painful.

Manager - PLEASE... I didn't mean to...

Stank - Shutup. Since you like doing favors for the Bloomin Onions we thought...

Manager - Bloomin onions? who?

Stank - Don't act like you don't know who I'm talking about. OBJ and Gatorbait! Since you like doing them favors.

FFC - We thought you would do us a favor and give them a message.

Manager - Oh shi...

*Stank lifts the manager up and drops him with a STANK U to the pavement. FFC then picks up the carcass and delivers the PRIDE OF FRESNO!*

FFC - G'day mate! Caught me a marlin!

Stank - Technically, I caught him

FFC - Whatever.

Stank - You know I wasn't kiddin about the shrimp. For $11.95 I expect more than three shrimp.

Manager - lying on the pavement and barely audible - Just request it and we'll add more at 80 cents each. Oh my back.

Stank - You were better off keepin your mouth shut.

*Stank runs and delivers the STANKONIA to the manager. FFC and Stank then walk to their car.*

FFC - You know I hate the fact that I've been around you for so long, I can't smell you anymore.

[mooseheadjack]

(Outback Jack, Gator and Moose are strategizing for the match)

Gator: so where's Captain Colorblind?

Moose: I don't really care right now, our match is a little more important to whatever he happens to be up to.

OBJ: Thinkin he moight be out fightin crime?

Moose: (shrugs)

(CTG Bursts into the lockerroom, startling them all)

CTG: Friends! allies! I'm surprised to find the Hurri-lair so crowded!

Moose: ...... <qw> make it stop...

Gator: where've YOU been? You know we're gonna need a plan against Mercury, Uncle Entity, FF and Stank!

CTG: Fear not, superheroes in training! We know that JUSTICE will prevail! And to show our unity against those datardly foes, I have come with gear for each of us!

Moose: (head in his hands)

OBJ: o.O

GB: O.o

CTG: As a unit, we will be the FOUR ANIMALS - (tosses costumes to each of them) MOOSE! GATOR! DINGO! And I will be - what else- a

OBJ: Kukaburra

GB: peacock

Moose: (under his breath) jackass

CTG: A GRYFON~!! (slings on a goofy, brightly colored costume that looks like a cross between a G-force "Birdsuit" and a Power Ranger outfit with a lion motif)

OBJ: ......

Moose: ......

GB: uh... thanks

CTG: MYYY WORK IS DONE HERE! WE WILL ACHIEVE VICTORY! (bows) I must go, for CRIME WAITS FOR NO MAN! (whoooshes out the door. after a moment, the Hurri-buggy starts up in the hall and speeds away)

[mooseheadjack]

(Jack, Jack and Gator watch CTG "fly" out of the room, they stand there for a moment no one says a word)

MHJ: See what the hell I have to put up with?
<OBJ & GB both shake their heads and laugh>
OBJ: I'd almost feel for ya, but you wanted it, so now ya got it.
GB: Carefull what you wish for and all that
<MHJ turns to both of them>
MHJ: Yeah, I got what I wanted, but that is only the start. The next thing is getting those tag titles, and to do that we will have to go through you guys.
<Jack and Gator both step closer ready for a fight>
MHJ: Hey, I'm not stupid, two on one? No thank you. We'll do this next week, I want Mercury and Entity to bleed, once we are done with those two chuckleheads, you two are next.
OBJ: You threatening us? What, you gonna wait till our backs are turned and then hamstring us in the match?
MHJ: Did you not just listen to me? Entity and Mercury bleed, you two can kill FFC and Stank, whatever, once the match is over, hey, all is fair.
GB: Is that right? Well maybe it is time for you to feel the Chomp again.
MHJ: <again sizing up the odds> just wait till after the match. I will say this, it will take more than a chomp to put me down again. More than you got. Trust me.

<Jack leaves Gator and OBJ standing>

******************

<Jack walks down the hall lost in thought when FF Capslock and Stank step out in front of him>

FFC: Well well well, the legendary Moosehead Jack. Say Jack, since you and Concrete are all chummy with those Australian asshats, I suppose that makes us ....enemies, now doesn't it?
Stank: Yeah, whats the deal? Or do we need to show you how we treat our enemies? And Steak house managers
MHJ: YOu do what you need to do, hey, its nothing personal, just business right?
FFC: So it would be just business if we lay this pipe upside your head and leave you laying in a pool of blood <FFC & Stank both grab pipes>
MHJ: Yeah, that would just be business, but that wouldn't be very smart business.
FFC: ooh whaddya gonna do Moose, beat us both up? <FFC and Stank both burst into laughter, Jack slaps the pipe out of Stank's hands and stares down Capslock>
MHJ: No you damn fool, stop and think for one second. Did you hear what I just said to Jack and Gator?
FFC: Yeah, so?
MHJ <oh for the love of> Ok, stop and put two and two together, Mercury and Entity suffer a beating from hell, they are out of the picture. Me and Concrete go after Gator and Jack, that leaves you two to....
Stank: to......
MHJ <good lord!> Were you two absent during Heel tactics 101? Damn! If me and Concrete are after Jack and Gator, that leaves you two free to go after 3Piece Set, you know, the tag team titles!
<It finally seems to sink in to both of them> Ohhhh, so you are saying don't kill ourselves out there helping Entity and Mercury, and then you two will take care of Jack and Gator while we chase the titles!
MHJ: Fucking brilliant! Now, don't forget our little chat, stick to the plan and all will work out just fine. Trust me.

[mooseheadjack]

*OBJ is on his cell phone*
Never mind how I got your number. Remermber, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.... No I didn't read the book, but I rented the movie.... OK, big man, let's stay in touch.

[mooseheadjack]

The Devil's Brigade is out walking the clean streets of Chevy Chase, Maryland.

Harper: Nice weather here. I like it in the 60s. I thought I was going to sweat my nuts off when we were in Florida.

Donnie: This is an odd place for an OOWF event. Look at the size of these homes. Who is goingt o show up for our show. A bunch of richers that's what.

Tommy: Na wonda des peepel imposed al dos ruls on is.

HC: He can see why they town council quickly outlawed all the explosions and such. They don't want their half million dollar property values decling.

DV: Too late. Once Stank shows up the place will never be the same.

TO: He smell wors den me nutz do

DV: BURN!

HC: You understood that didn't you Donnie?

DV: I'm picking up a bit. Look at that rich hottie over there. I bet she's one of those Deperat Housewives people keep talking about. I think I'm going to go hit that.

Donnie walks over to a big gated home. A young woman is outside walking her pet poodle.

TO: I'll bet ya a giness dis broad runes awa scremin

HC: Now, she is going to slap him.

We see Donnie talking to her but we are too far away to hear anything. He shows her the OOWF title and she stats to look a little interested. Then he starts makes a couple of pelvic thrusts and her face quickly turns to a horrofied look. She then slaps Donnie and head back though her gate.

HC: Looks like drinks are on you.

TO: Aye

[mooseheadjack]

FF Capslock and Stank are walking away from their "meeting" with Moosehead Jack.

FF- Okay, so we attack Outback Jack and Concrete?

S- I think we attack Gatorbait and Uncle Entity.

FF- Okay, you attack Mercury, I'll attack Stank.

S- I AM Stank.

FF- Wait...what?

S- STANK! MY NAME IS STANK!

FF- I know that. We've only been teaming together for like 2-3 months now. Jeez, buddy, I know your freakin' name. Calm down.

S- GODDAMNIT FF! Oh hey...what does FF stand for?

FF- I stand for destuction, chaos, greed and destuction.

S- No moron, what do the letters "FF" stand for?

FF- Fabulous Freebirds?

S- YOUR NAME IS FF CAPSLOCK!

FF- I know. And your name is Stank.

S- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

FF- YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH! PARTY!

S- I'm gonna walk over here somewhere and I want you to go in the opposite direction, okay?

FF- You got it, Greg.

S- Stank.

FF- FF Capslock, pleased to meet'cha.

Stank stomps off frustraited

FF- So who do I attack next week! Hey! Dave!

[mooseheadjack]

"Killing in the Name of" begins and Ax and Firechild walk towards the ring. Both of them are carrying boxes with a bow on them. They get into the ring and Firechild grabs mics for him and Ax.

Ax: Firechild and myself are here for a very important reason tonight. You see this Wednesday is May 18. That date has some significance. You see not only is that the date that we are going to finally beat the piss out of Revolution XX and send them crying home to their mommas.

FC: Or to L.D. Williams

Ax: Yea, that's true. Good one. Anway, May 18th is also the birthday of one half of your tag team Champions. "The Main Event" Chris Cole.

"Master of Puppets" begins and Chris Cole makes his way down the ramp. He gets into the ring and is met by Ax and Firechild both giving him a slap on the back.

CC: Thanks Ax. I have to say this past year has been a great one for myself. After holding the BTW Tag Team and World Championchips the year before I decided to step up to the OOWF and tour around the country showcasing my abilities. I quickly met up with the Ax-man and I am once again a World Tag Team Champion. And by the way, Ax and myself are the longest reigning Tag Team Champions in the history of the OOWF.

Ax: That's true. We surpassed The Dragons reign a few weeks ago and even if you combine Hellion & Corax's two reigns it does NOT equal ours.

CC: I've also gotton to intorduce you all to Firechild who Ax and myself found torching the indies.

FC: Literally sometimes.

CC: 3Piece Set is stronger then ever and we are going to continue kicking ass and taking names fir many more years to come.

FC: Chris, I want to wish you a happy birthday big guy. Here this is for you. (hands him one of the presents)

Cole opens it and pulls out a T-Shirt.

FC: That is the brand new 3Piece Set T-Shirt soon to be available on OOWF Shopzone.com . This wonderful black T-Shirt has the 3PS logo set against a drumset, guitar, and bass guitar with flames around it on the front. On the back it says "Sex, Booze, and Rock & Roll"
"The Main Event" Chris Cole
The Ax-man
Firechild

CC: Thank you Firechild. This is one fine looking shirt.

Ax: We got one more man. Here you go.

Cole opens up the last present and it is a giant framed photo of Cole and Ax holding up the OOWF Tag Title on the night they defeated Hellion and Corax.

CC: This is going right above my fireplace. Thanks guys.

FC: And on Wednesday you'll get your last present. A victory over Revolution XX. You can count on that.

Revolution XX's music hits. Out comes Carl Coolname and Eric O'Mac they walk to the ring and then to the opposite side.

Ax: What the hell are you punks doing out here. This is our time, go play with yourselves backstage and away from the Champs.

FF Capslock & Stank's music hits. Both men walk down to the ring and move to the other side of the ring.

FC: Who invited you fat f*cks to the party. This doesn't even involve you.

The Devil's Brigade music begins. Camby and O'Neil make their way down to ringside.

Ax: You guys are really starting to piss me off.

Outback Jack & Gatorbait's music begins. Now all four sides of the ring are covered by a tag team.

CC: Alright, you f*ckers are ruining my party. What the hell are you doing here.

FF Capslock: Don't sweat man. We here to wish you a Happy Birthday.

Stank: It's not everyday a jackass like yourself celebrates a birthday.

Tommy O'Neil: Um thinkin muh lef' hok ul be a fin gif

Harper Camby: He said his left hook would be a fine gift for you.

Outback Jack: Meand my pal Steve might have a surprise for you. You like Snakes? How bout Gators?

Gatorbait: Speaking of... How bout a nice CHOMP.

Carl Coolname: But we'll save the biggest gift of all for Mayhem on the night of your birth when me and Eric pound you and your sissy partner Ax.

EOM: I'm thinking for your birthday rather then give we are going to take...YOUR TAG TEAM TITLES.

All eight guys storms the ring. 3Piece Set gets a few boots to Carl & Eric before they are hit from behind by the other 3 teams. Outback Jack levels Firechild with a clothesline and the Gator picks him up for the CHOMP. Capslock and Stank trade big corner spashes on Ax. Tommy O'Neill catches Cole with a devestating left hook. Cole is out cold in the center of the ring. Carl & Eric are talking trash right to his face. Ax has rolled out of the ring and can barely make it to his feet. Harper Camby picks up Firechild and military presses him over his head before chucking him right on top of Firechild. Outback Jack and Gatorbait then grab the picture of Cole and Ax winning the titles and they smash the glass fame and rip up the picture. They leave what's left in the ring and walk to the back. Tommy then picks up the T-Shirt and him and Harper rip the shirt into two pieces. They then leave the ring and head to the back. Stank then picks up one of the pieces of the shirt and starts rubbing the piece all over his body including his underarms. He then shoves the shirt over Cole's nose and into his mouth. Cole rolls over gagging and dry heaving. Capslock and Stank exit laughing the entire way up the ramp. Revolution XX is left alone in the ring with Cole still out of the ground. They each find a tag team belt and pose with the titles above Cole. Carl then slams the belt into Cole's head. He leaves the belt on top of Cole's chest. On the way up the ramp Carl gets a boot to Firechild's head and Eric level's Ax with the belt he was carrying. He then leaves Ax's belt across his chest. Revolution XX's music hits and they exit the arena to thier music.

[mooseheadjack]

[Bright white blinding-light fills the arena and tranquil music gently rolls over the crowd with sounds of nature and trickling streams. Casually Seraph walks down to the ring, and takes the microphone. The music fades but the blinding light remains]

Seraph: Capellan, someone once asked me why bad things happen to good people. How could justice take a back seat to malice, how could mercy be eclipsed by wrath - how could love be conquered by violence? Do you know? Can you speak to such quandries of existence? No - of course you cannot.

Capellan, you ARE a good person and I bring no judgement on your head, my desire is to see you succeed and thrive. But your fate and mine have now crossed paths and at the crossroads is where you do not want to be. I urge you - I implore you to hop in your taxi, turn around and leave this town before things get out of hand. If you stand in this ring before me when the bell tolls, it will toll for thee, and no amount of good-will will save you from propitiation.

Capellan, you cannot understand the age-old question of why bad things happen to good people - no one can. But if you come to the ring this week to face judgement - bad things will happen to you.

You may not understand now...

But you will.

[Seraph calmly hands back the mic to the ring announcer and walks back up the ramp. As he dissapears into the back the blinding white light finally fades and everyone in the arena tries to adjust their eyes]

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline is strolling thru the hallway, IC Title on one shoulder, pulling his golf bag behind him, singing again...]

JA: [singing] Can you take me higher... To a place where blind men see... Can you take me higher... To a place with golden streets... So let's go there... Let's make our escape... Come on, let's go there...

The Rick: No, let's not go there, Adrenaline! First of all, Scott Stapp is a douchebag. And second of all, even being a doucchebag, he can STILL carry a note better than your worthless ass, so quit singing!

JA: My bad, man.

The Rick: I assume you're coming to harass me.

JA: Damn, you're good.

The Rick: What is it today, Johnny?

[They walk back into The Rick's office. Rick sits down in his chair and Johnny stands in front of the desk.]

JA: Fifty thousand, right?

The Rick: Oh, you're gonna be a man and pay up? Yeah, fifty grand.

[Johnny pulls out his checkbook, writes out a check, and hands it to The Rick.]

The Rick: This ain't gonna bounce, is it?

JA: Boss, I'm good for the money, you know that.

The Rick: You better be. The whiskey budget needs a good deposit. Anything else?

JA: Well, about the pay per view...

The Rick: Nope, not tellin' you jack!

JA: Man, everybody else gets to know who they're opponents are! Me? The Intercontinental Champ? I've got TWO matches in one night, and I don't know who I'm gonna wrestle in either one of them! Please, help me out here...

The Rick: Johnny, you backed yourself into this corner. Now you're just gonna have to fight your way out of it.

[Johnny goes to angrily reply, but stops and collects himself.]

JA: Oh... I see. This is some sort of joke, right? You didn't REALLY release Smoley, did you? HE'S my opponent. Or did Smark really not get fired?

The Rick: We're finished, Johnny.

JA: Oh, so I'm right?? Okay. I'll check you later, boss. I've got a 2:30 tee time over at Congressional. Gotta make some money back somehow, right?

The Rick: Whatever, Johnny.

[mooseheadjack]

<Scheme Gene is walking backstage with a camera crew just looking for someone to interview, as they come around a corner they see Moosehead Jack sitting in a dark corner>

SG: Moose! Moosehead Jack, we see you in the corner, will you answer a few questions?

<Jack glances up at Gene but doesn't move>

SG: Jack, did you hear me? I need a few answers!

<Jack slowly gets to his feet and walks over to Gene>

MHJ: What? What the hell do you want?

SG: Well just a few short months ago you and Capslock and Stank were working together, and you and Concrete were bitter enemies, now you are teaming with Concrete AND Outback Jack and GatorBait against Capslock, Stank, Uncle Entity and Mercury, what gives?

MHJ: <after a long pause> Gene, I can't give you any answers. See, the decisions we make, the roads we take, once those decisions are made, once you take that road, there is no turning back. There is no turning back unless you are a coward. I may be a lot of things, but a coward is not one of them. In my desire to get even with Concrete, to break the man and send him spiraling to the depths of depravity, I made a deal with the devil. I got what I wanted, Concrete has to team with me for the next six months. Gene, the way I imagined it was beautiful, there was carnage, there was bloodshed, there was violence. I had finally tapped that part of Concrete that he was so afraid to let come through. Together he and I destroyed all those before us and we reigned over the broken bloody bodies of those before us.

But that is not how things have gone so far now is it? Instead, Concrete has gotten it in his head that we are some kind of lame ass super heroes. Instead of steamrolling all those in front of us and winning gold, we are struggling to keep up with two rookies in Uncle Entity and Mercury.

SG: Well you know what they say, the best laid plans of mice and men are apt to go arwy!

MHJ: <stares at gene> Shut up Gene. Look, I know things are not going as planned, but I chose this road, I chose my fate, and for the next six months it is sealed, I made that choice. So really, what do I do? Give in to Concrete and become a ridiculous parody? No thank you. Snap and beat the hell out of him? Won't do any good, that is what he wants. All I can do is keep my eyes on the goal I set, winning the tag titles, it will happen, it would just be a lot easier if Concrete would take it all a little more serious

SG: Concrete thinks you take things TOO seriously

MHJ: <shaking his head> I am being realistic, the teams here in OOWF are among the best in the world, you let your guard down for one second and it is all over. If Concrete isn't going to take the next six months seriously, well then maybe I should just beat the hell out of him and find something else to do

<Jack stops for a second, lost in thought, then just walks away>

[mooseheadjack]

*An OOWF van meanders its way up a complicated road, circling and spiraling upward in the warm May afternoon daylight. In the distance, and a few miles higher, is a mansion on the hill. The van finally reaches the summit and parks in a gravel driveway just in front of the beautiful house. The camera follows Sexy Female Journalist #867-5309 (Jenny) up the walkway to the home. Oddly, the house is entirely made of glass, and its contents are visible from the outside. A sign over the door reads “HARRIS.” But it doesn’t appear as if anyone is home. SFJ #867-5309 knocks.*

*A minute later a dwarf waddles to the door and opens a tiny slit about halfway up the partition. He pokes his head out and looks at SFJ, the cameraman, and then SFJ one more time.*

Dwarf: Orders are, nobody can see Hardbody, not nobody, not no how!
SFJ: But please, it's very important!
Guard: NOT NOBODY, NOT NO HOW!
Cameraman: But she's Sexy Female Journalist Jenny!!
Guard: Forrest Gump’s Jenny? Well, that’s a horse of a different color! Just, uh, wait here, I'll announce you at once. (leaves)
Boom Mic Man: Hmm. That makes no sense.
Cowardly Lion: I know. What a non sequitor.
SFJ: Ssh! You guys are breaking the fourth wall!

*The doors to Hardbody’s chamber open, with the booming, intimidating words: "Come forward." They grab each other for strength and creep forward. The cameraman covers his eyes and begs: "Tell me when it's over...I wanna go home!" In a spectacular, dazzling confrontation Hardbody, appearing as an enlarged, monstrous, disembodied head suspended above a throne/altar with roaring plumes of fire, his stentorian voice booms: "I am Hardbody Harris, the Great and Powerful. Who are you?" He repeats again even louder: "Who are you?"

Trembling, SFJ tiptoes up to speak for the group, stammering: "If you please, I am Sexy Female Journalist Jenny, the small and ditzy with a wonderful rack. I've come to ask..." Hardbody's thundering voice interrupts - he already knows why they have come to him as they each step forward.

Harris: Silence! The Great and Powerful Harris knows why you have come. Step forward, Boom Mike Man. You dare to come to me for a heart, do you? You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of collaginous junk!
Boom Mic Man: Uh, no, I have a heart, I’m kind of here jus….
Harris: Quiet!
Boom Mic Man: Whoa! (He retreats.)
Harris: And you, Cameraman, have the effrontery to ask for a brain. You billowing bale of bovine fodder.
Cameraman: (He bows and approaches on his knees) Yes, Your Honor. I mean Your Excellency, I mean Your Faceness
Harris: Enough. And you, Lion. Well?

Unable to explain his request, the Lion faints dead backwards onto the floor.

Although fearful, SFJ is outraged and morally indignant at him. While remaining courteous and polite, she rebukes the #1 FACE IN THE OOWF! for bullying the weak-kneed Lion: "You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Frightening him like that when he came to you for help." Harris booms back with a preemptory response: "Silence, you booty-licious reporter."

The great and powerful Hardbody promises that he will grant all their requests - but with one condition. They must first perform a task to test for the qualities that they each believe they lack. They must retrieve a full bottle of whiskey from The Rick.

SFJ: Then will you grant me an interview regarding Canadian Dragon and Fievel?
Harris: Yes. Now go get that whiskey!

*The giant head of Harris disappears, and is replaced by a similar floating visage*

Zordon: Rangers! Rita Repulsa and Lord Zed have sent Goldar down to wreak havoc on the city! You must stop them!
Boom Mic Man: MASTODON!
SFJ: Um...what is this?
Cameraman: TRICERATOPS!
SFJ: Guys, this isn’t working…
*TO BE CONTINUED*

[mooseheadjack]

MORTE: I am sick and tired of not getting any respect around here...
I am evil damit, I live in a crypt, I drive a herse, I unleash lightning bolts out of my ASS for fuck sake!

What do i have to do to get respect around here?

Blackdragon = sac-ri-fice

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mooseheadjack]

Having watched Seraph's declaration on a back-stage monitor, Capellan wanders down to the ring. He's got a "Guidebook to Chevy Chase" in his top pocket. He slides into the ring, rolls up to his feet, and takes the mic.

"You know, some people in the OOWF really need to lighten up." he shakes his head, "Last week Underdawg prophesied my doom if I faced him; this week it's Seraph." he does a bad impression of Seraph's portentous tones, "'If you face me, you will be destroyed. Run while you can.'"

Capellan shakes his head,

"Dawg, Seraph ... dudes, we're wrestlers. Beating on each other is what we do. I know I'm still a rookie here, but I don't walk around with my eyes closed. I've seen what you guys bring in the ring, and I respect it - you're both formidable opponents - but I do not fear it, and I never will. I came to the OOWF to face the best, and that's what I am going to do. See you in the ring, and may the best man win."

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline comes around the corner after Morte gets done addressing the camera.]

JA: Yo Mort!

M: What the hell do YOU want?

JA: What's this about sacrificing Black Dragon?

M: It's what I plan to do after I pin his shoulders to the mat on Midweek Mayhem.

JA: Uh... yeah, you do that. I'll tell ya what, put him out of commission.

M: What's in it for me?

JA: Well, there'd be a spot open in the Fatal Four Way match at the pay per view, and maybe you'd be interested in challenging for my Intercontinental Title...

[Morte gives Johnny a dead, blank stare and simply walks away.]

JA: The hell is wrong with that dude?

[mooseheadjack]

Firechild steps out of the men's room, and walks directly into SFJ#69.

SFJ: Firechild, after your convincing win over Semaj last week, waht do you think your chances are in the next round of the Onslaught tournament?

FC: Westgaard? I gotta say, I've not seen to much of him, bt like most guys here in the OOWF, he's a tough competitor. And unfortunately for him, he's also a big streak of vanilla piss.

SFJ: Thats quite the statement...

FC: Damn right, Im sick and tired playing the nice guy, Im gonna call it as I see, and the way I see it, when ice meets fire, ice melts and disappears, and thats what is gonna happen to Westgaard, whether he gets caght in the Wings of the Phoenix or gets his ass D-Tuned, his chances progress in the Onslaught tournament are gonna disappear like so much meltwater.

SFJ#69, apparently satisfied by this, turns to walk away but Firechild grabs her by the arm and pulls her back round.

FC: I'm not done. My match with Westgaard si just one of my concerns. Now, my buddies Ax & Cole are facing PreppyXX once again this week, in a steel cage no less. And now the whole tag division, from the Leprechaun Brigade, Steve Irwin and his pet and even the hygeinically challenged Backspace and Stink decides they want a piece of OUR tag team gold.
Understand this, every single one of you, I will NOT allow the 3 Piece Set to be deprived of the tag titles, and anyone who seems a bit too keen on that, is gonna find out what it's like to BURN.

Firechild pauses and thinks for a second, comes to a decision and..

FC: In fact, I think a demonstration is needed.....follow me.

He leads the SFJ and camera crew through the building, picking up a steel chair on the way. He walks up to a locker room marked Williams LD.

Firechild bursts into the locker room and surprises Williams with the chair to the gut then follows up with a massive smash to the back of Williams head as he doubles up.
Firechild smashes away with the chair for a few minutes, a look of sheer viscousness on his face. He picks up the prone Williams, sets the chair on the ground and hooks LD and smashes him with a Wings of the Phoenix onto the unforgiving steel.

Firechild grabs the microphone...

FC: Let this be a lesson. Do not get involved in my boys' title matches, do not call me 'rookie' and most of all don't be a weak willed son of a bitch. I might wrestle straight up in the Onslaught tournament, but thats just the way it needs to be, and anyway I am that damn good (tm), I dont need any of the extra curricular shit to win matches, but damn I enjoy it and you'd better believe that I will geta whole pile of medieval on anyone exactly when I please. Anyone, and I mean, anyone who gets in my way will feel just how LD feels now. Burned.

Firechild flicks open his lighter, and considers dropping it on LD, then snaps it shut.

FC: It's not time for you yet, but it will come......

[mooseheadjack]

Donovan Viper is watching the Harris of Oz on the monitor.

DV: Huh. And they call me a homo. What's with this floating head shit anyway?

NH: Yes, Donovan Viper, what do you think about Hardbody Harris' recent actions?

At that moment, someone who kinda looks like Hurri-crete walks in wearing a suit and a fedora, with a microphone in hand. Huh?

DV: Who the f**k are you?

NH: Why, I'm mild mannered reporter, Nikki Heyman, interviewing our reigning world champion for Offline Onslaught.

DV: The what?

NH: Offline Onslaught. The daily... no... weekly... no... well, whenever it wants to come out newspaper. Hard hitting journalism, at it's finest.

DV: You look like that wackjob Hurricrete. I don't know why Moosehead's been hanging around with you lately. You're f*cking nuts, you know that?

NH: No, I'm simply a mild mannered reporter, Nikki Heyman. Although, I must say, Hurricrete only seems crazy because he is so courageous and fearless! He is truly a hero's hero!

DV: Ok, whatever. I'll play your stupid game. You want an interview with the world f*cking champion? Ok.

NH: Great! Mr. Viper, it appears that your luck is running out soon. While you may have squeaked by your match with Microplay, you have equaly tough opposition for the next week for your championship with the ever popular GimmickMan, and then, if you survive him, you face the diabolical Niles Anderson. And if you survive him, you have to face your old teacher, the unstoppable Underdawg in a steel cage! How are you going to survive this one, Mr. Viper?

DV: How? The same way I always do. On the f*cking top, with the belt around my shoulder as I sip champagne from between Sexy Female Journalist #98's bosom.

SFJ 98 walks by: No he doesn't.

NH: You heard it here first, wrestling fans! World Champion Donovan Viper has no luck with the ladies!

DV: Wha? Huh? Just who the f*ck do you think you are?

NH: Mild mannered reporter Nikki Heyman, of course!

DV: <groan> You look like Paul E Dangerously with rosier cheeks!

NH: Who?

DV: Nevermind. MOOSE! YO MOOSE!

Camera turns a few degrees to the right.

MHJ: I'm right behind you, Viper.

DV: What the hell is going on with your teammate?

MHJ: Don't ask.

DV: I have to ask. This is just f*cking weird.

MHJ: THIS is weird? You mean having Harris's floating head the size of Neptune isn't weird? Like our former champion spending his time catching a russian mouse isn't weird? Maybe having a legion of fans that are all taxi cab drivers isn't weird enough? Or maybe you and your Brigade survivng a helicopter explosion? How about a guy who shoots lightning out of his ass, or one who walks through walls (not in a Kitty Pryde way, but in a Peter Rasputin way), or a dead guy with wizard's powers and a DOG'S HEAD? Don't you think that's weird?

DV: Yes, but this shit here, it trumps all of that.

NH: Moosehead Jack! Nikki Heyman reporting for Offline Onslaught! How's it feel to be teamed up with such a virtuous competor like Hurricrete?

MHJ: Ok, Donnie. You've got a point. Concrete, please stop this.

NH: I don't see Concrete anywhere.

MHJ: I'm not joking.

NH: Good. You're not that funny.

MHJ: Or for chrissakes... Ok, Concr... er, Nikki, I've got things to take care of right now. You tell Hurricrete that I need to see him later this evening about... strategy.

NH: If I can find him, I will! You heard it here first, wrestling fans! Moosehead Jack wants to hang out with Hurricrete to play Stratego! Or maybe even Risk! Stay tuned for the scoop!

MHJ: <groan>

Viper walks off: This place is getting more ricockulous every second..

[mooseheadjack]

*Viper is walking as he rounds the corner and sees Fievel walking around.*

F: "Oh hello sir have you see my good friend Hardbody? I miss him oh so much!"

DV: "A talking mouse? You got to be freaking kidding me. I mean I'm the world f*cking champion of the f*cking world...and I have to share TV time with a talking rat? I mean what the..."

*Just then Viper is knocked out cold by a Dragon kick.*

CD: "Ahhh...my world title belt! I'll be talking this..."

*Dragon goes for the title belt but Fievel steps in between Dragon and the belt.*

F: "But Mr.Dragon, this belt doesn't belong to you."

CD: "Look kid, I take the belt and put it in my safe...it's kinda my gimmick. Yes, I know it sucks but you see it's either take the belt or have a ladder match every week. And between my insurance and the rising costs of ladders, my accountant suggested I just borrow the belt from Mr. Viper for a little while till I get that sweet sweet PPV cheque from facing off with Hardbody."

F: "HARDBODY!!! Have you heard from him? Is he coming to see me?"

CD: "Yeah sure he is. Just let me grab the belt and then hop back in the safe. Once both you and the belt are in the safe Hardbody will come."

F: "Hardbody would never just take a title belt...so I'm not going back in that safe!"

CD: "My god, you're more of a drama queen then freaking Niles Anderson...I'll give Viper his belt back."

*Viper starts to get up and turns around only to have Dragon smash the OOWF title belt into his head.*

CD: "you Viper's right about one thing though...this place is getting more ricockulous every second.."