OOWF MidWeek Mayhem/Onslaught Tournament 05/25/05

[mooseheadjack]

Live! From Panic, Pennsylvania

OOWF World Title Match
Niles Anderson vs. Donovan Viper
OOWF World Tag Team Title Match
3Piece Set vs. The Devil's Brigade
Onslaught Championship Semi-Finals
Firechild vs. Capellan
Canadian Dragon vs. Thim Reynolds
Non-Title Intercontinental Title Match
SoulDragon vs. Johnny Adrenaline
Random Contenders Tag Team Match

Blackdragon & Mark Vander vs. LD Williams & Attitude Adjuster
Moosehead Jack & Concrete TG vs. Uncle Entity & Mercury
Morte vs. Corax vs. Semaj B
Seraph vs. Endo
Hellion vs. JW Westgaard
Chris Alt & Microplay vs. UnderDawg & GimmickMan
Outback Jack & GatorBait vs. FF CApslock & Stank vs. Revolution XX

Card subject to change, but probably not, at least maybe not, ok it COULD change. no it won't.......or WILL it? Tune in next week!!

[mooseheadjack]

3 Piece Set is recovering from their brutal title defense in their lockerrroom. In barges The Devil's Brigade. Cole and Ax manage to make it to their feet and stand nose to nose with Tommy, and well....they look up to Harper.

HC: Calm down fellas, we're here to talk not to fight.

CC: What could we possibly be talking about?

TO: Id seams ya to wankas ar next en linn fa um arse whoopin' Me an 'arpa ul be tekkin dos titels from ya nex wekk.

Ax: What the f*ck did this bitch say?

HC: He said next week you'll be facing us for the titles.

CC: Is that so?

HC: It is. I want you two boys to rest up and get your strength back. When we destroy the two of you in the ring next week and walk out the new Tag Champs we don't want to hear an excuses about injuries or fatigue.

CC: Don't worry about us. We aren't the Tag Champs for nothing.

HC: Good, get some rest you two look like sh*t

The Devil's Brigade walks out smiling while 3 Piece Set sit back down and put icepacks back on their heads.

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF LOCKER ROOM

JW Westgaard is sitting near his locker when SFJ#8. comeis in.

SFJ8: JW can i have a word with you?

JWW: I suppose, whats on your mind toots?

SFJ8: What are you thoughts on the Onslaught Tournament now that Firechild has eliminated you?

JWW: My thoughts?...well I can tell you right now whoever wins this thing better be ready for me. I am goin to be gunning for them...and not in this cheap ass way alot of guys have been using lately....I'm goin to beat their ass in the squared circle fair and square.

SFJ8: What about your match with Firechild?

JWW: well thats a different story, now that boy is a hell of a grappler, but something's got his logic twisted....IF he thinks the rest of this tourney is goin to be easy pickins since he got by me, well don't ya know he's got a nother thing coming, that Capellan kid is a hell of an athlete and the Canuck and Thim aren't exactly Smark and Smoley.

SFJ8:So what about his disresepct after the match
JWW: Firechild, you need to learn some things around here... so get your shit together, cause here's an open challenge.... whenever your done in this little tourney lets have ourselves a rematch... Onslaught Rules so I can put you ass on ice fair and square and cool down that little temper of yours, unless the thought of wrestling me again gives ya cold sweats......Its up to you.

cut to commmercial

[mooseheadjack]

Stank and F.F. Capslock come out to the ring for a promo.

S- We...are very large. So large, in fact, that we are very hard for other people to do their moves on. This is a huge advantage in a wrestling match.

FF- Yes...yes we are.

S- We are slated to wrestle Revolution XX and the Austrailians. Perhaps we shall win in this encounter.

FF- Sir, I believe you are correct. I say our chances are very good in said match.

S- Yes.

FF- What else ought we tell you fans about?

S- I'm sure we'll be showing up elsewhere on the show to interfere in someone else's match. Let's see, who are we feuding with these days?

FF- Like, everybody.

S- Okay! Look out, everybody! You're in trouble.

FF- Better watch your ass, everybody!

They leave and walk backstage.

S- That promo feel a little weak to you?

FF- F*ck it, let's go get drunk.

[mooseheadjack]

Welcome everyone to the Bob the Funky Spongepants radio show and today we're talking OOWF and particularly the Onslaught championship. Created by GM The Rick this championship was designed to bring actual wrestling back to the OOWF and boy has it succeeded in spades.

We've had some great matches so far but things are getting really interesting now as we're down to the final 4.

Firechild Vs Capellan is going to be a great match, there's no doubt about that. I actually think the big question in this one is if Firechild can keep his extra curricular activities under control. There's no doubt this boy's got game but I don't think Capellan is going to be exactly a pushover.

But as a wrestling fan you've got to be stoked for the match of the tournament. The clash of styles that will pit the high flying Canadian Dragon against the mat based Thim Reynolds. And with me as a guest today is that mat based English man, Thim 'The Physio' Reynolds.

BTFS: Welcome Thim

TR: Hiya, Bob. Thanks for having me on

BTFS: no problem Thim, call me Funky Spongepants if you like

TR: I'd really rather not if you don't mind

BTFS: errr, OK. Anyway Thim, how are you feeling?

TR: pretty good actually Bob. It's nice to be coming off a few weeks with just a bruise or two rather than lacerations and stitches

BTFS: yea, this Onslaught tournament is certainly a bit of a change around for OOWF isn't it?

TR: and not before time either Bob. I mean, everyone knows that the OOWF has got attitude and that no-one is ever afraid to really step it up a notch to get the job done - I mean did you see the parking lot back in South of the Border?

BTFS: heel yea, that was a near riot

TR: I know, but what this championship is really showing everyone for perhaps the first time is that the guys in the OOWF can leave the chairs, tables and ladders behind sometimes and actually wrestle.

BTFS: and it's showcasing some great matches so far. So onto your match next week with Canadian Dragon. What's your plan? Your styles, builds, everything about the two of you is so different. How do you see the match working out?

TR: well firstly Bob I'd just like to say that I don't care what people say about his size, Canadian Dragon is a former OOWF Heavyweight Champion and there's no way I'm taking this match lightly. We've seen him take on bigger guys than me and win so I know he's not going to be sweating this one. I think my key is going to be the Reflex-O-Lock. If I can get that on, even for just a few seconds, I'll be able to shut down half his game.

BTFS: just explain to us for a moment Thim, how does the Reflex-O-Lock actually work. It seems to affect everyone differently?

TR: well that's because it's no ordinary ankle lock Bob. With the strength in these hands I can manipulate the pressure centers in the soles of peoples feet even through their wrestling boots. This means that even though their ankle may be hurting like hell their probably more worried about certain other things happening to their bodies.

BTFS: like what?

TR: well you name it really. It's amazing how fast someone will tap out when they're in screaming agony and they suddenly think they're going to crap themselves in front of 10,000 people

BTFS: but I thought this reflexology stuff was all nonsense

TR: here Bob, let me show you. I promise I won't make you crap yourself!!!

BTFS: OK Thim, but go easy on me

TR: don't worry Bob

BTFS: do you want me to take my shoes off?

TR: no, it'll be fine. Trust me . . .

## Bob lies on the floor of the studio, still miked up, and Thim gently applies the Reflex-O-Lock, not really synching in the ankle at all

TR: how you doing there Bob?

BTFS: fine Thim

TR: how about now

## Thim's thumbs go to work on the base of Bob's foot who rapidly begins to turn green

BTFS: holy crap Thim, what the hell are you bbwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhthhhthtthhthththhhhhhcccchhh

## Thim releases the hold and helps Bob back to his chair

TR: errr, Bob?

BTFS: (spit, cough) yes Thim (cough)

TR: you appear to have redecorated the end wall of your studio a lovely shade of projectile vomit. And if you don't mind I'm getting out of here. This place stinks!!!

BTFS: well (cough) thanks for the demo Thim and good luck against the Canadian Dragon (spit)

TR: thanks Bob. Hope you feel better real soon.

BTFS: cheers Thim. God help anyone you ever face that wrestles barefoot!!

[mooseheadjack]

SFJ#83 found Capellan backstage.

"Capellan, a lot of the buzz is that you were lucky to beat Seraph. Any comment on this?"

Capellan scowled, and pointed a finger at the camera,

"I have only one thing to say to the people talking like that -" he suddenly broke into a grin and laughed "- and that's that you might have a point."

Capellan paused, then continued in a more sober tone,

"Seraph wrestled a damn fine match. He brought everything he said he was going to bring ... and if I happened to find a little extra move he didn't expect, that's no reflection on his ability. If I win the Onslaught belt, I fully expect him to be one of my first challengers."

"Speaking of the belt," SFJ#83 broke in, "what do you expect in your semi-final with Firechild?"

Capellan shrugged,

"The only thing I truly expect is to be on the receiving end of a three-on-one beat-down sometime this week. That seems to be how Firechild and his friends work. As for once we're in the ring ... Firechild's got the skills, or he wouldn't have made it this far, and he's shown he can wrestle clean if he has to. I think it'll be a great match, and I'm looking forward to it."

"Your role in the semi-finals means you don't have to face Underdawg, who you challenged three weeks ago. How do -" SFJ#83 broke off, her eyes going wide as she stared ovr Capellan's shoulder.

Underdawg loomed into shot,

"You dodged the dawghouse this time, rookie." he rumbled, folding his arms over his chest, "You going to stay out of my yard from now on?"

"Not a chance." Capellan shook his head, "What's the point of being in the OOWF if I don't face the best ... and beat them?"

The two wrestlers faced each other in a stare down as the camera cut away ...

[mooseheadjack]

FF Capslock and Stank are at the only bar in Panic, PA. It's getting late so Stank asks...

Stank - Gotdamn this town is small. Is there a hotel near here?

Bartender - Well I suppose you can stay at Earl's place up in Wishaw.

Stank - Earl's better be a hotel.

Bartender - No. He's got a big house, though. He's the one sponsoring you fella's tussling event.

FFC - We wrestle. We don't tussle.

Bartender - All the same. Earl's got nicest place here in Panic. There IS a Econo Lodge about 13 miles over in Salem.

FFC - No thank you.

Stank - What's wrong with the Econo Lodge?

FFC - Nothing. I just don't want to stay in Salem.

Stank -

FFC - Look, I had a... incident there that I don't care to relive ok?

Stank - ...

FFC - I'm not going to talk to you about it.

Stank - Okaaay. Well I'm not staying at some dude's crib. Do you have a map?

Bartender - Here you go

Stank - Now let's see... how about Desire? What's there?

FFC - I think that's where we passed through to get here.

Stank - Is it? I must've slept through it.

Bartender - My aunt Patty has a place there.

Stank - (glaring at the bartender) You're dismissed.

The bartender leaves.

FFC - Man fuck this we'll just stay in the van.

Stank - Do you really want to sleep in an enclosed space with... me?

FFC - Point taken.

Stank - Hey you! You know of any hotels around here, besides the one in Salem?

You - There's a Knight's Inn in Big Run about 20 miles from here.

FFC - Yeah I see Big Run on the map. Stank let's go.

Stank - I'm trying to call Moosehead but I can't get a signal. Why the hell did Rick choose Panic to hold our next event?

As FF Capslock and Stank walk out they see the OOWF truck crew pull up.

FFC - $2 dollar beers guys. Drink up, but do it quick. I think they're about to close.

OOWF crewman - Not until we're through setting up.

Stank - Hold on. You mean we're wrestling here? At a bar?

OOWF crewman - fraid so.

FFC - Well this ought to be interesting.

[mooseheadjack]

*Soul Dragon runs down a street, his knee showing signs of near complete healing when Random Guy runs up behind him and taps him on the shoulder*

SD: What do you want Random?
RG: Have you seen the card damnit!? you got a Non-title Match Against Johnny!
SD: You serious!? I'm in action next week!?
RG: Yes and no not a regular regular match a Non title match against Johnny. This is your chance to prove yourself!
SD: Hmm it sure is.....hehehehahahaha MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
RG: What are you thinking?
SD: Just accompany me to the ring
RG: What! You mean it?
SD: Yea sure...You can watch me destroy Short John Bronze.
RG: Alright!
*SD Speeds up leaving RG behind and enters the local gym*

[mooseheadjack]

*Niles is backstage rubbing the back of his head. Attitude Adjuster hands him a bag of ice and Niles puts it on the spot on his head he was rubbing.*

Niles - That bastard! How can he chokeslam me the week before my title shot?!? I'm not gonna be 100% at that match!

AA - don't worry, N-man, I got your back on this one.

Niles - N-man?

AA - well, I thought it was fun.

*Niles just stares at AA.*

AA - ok, scratch the N-man.

Niles - thank you. Back to business. We got problems here. I'm not 100% obviously, and after what happened last week, there's a good chance I won't get any other backing aside from you.

AA - I'm telling you, Moose owes you an apology.

Niles - yeah, but do you think he'll actually give it to...

*Niles is cut off by the sound of someone clapping. Camera pans to see Donnie Viper standing in the locker room with a shit-eating grin and the championship belt.*

DV - Brilliant performance tonight my friend. Spitting on the Underdawg, that'll get you far in this business.

AA - what the hell do you want?

DV - I just came to tell you not to get your hopes up for next week. I mean, if you can't handle the Devil's Brigade, how do you expect to take me?

Niles - maybe I'll catch you with a schoolboy when you least expect it. I mean, you never know when I might just decide to step in your lockerroom to say hi.

*DV takes a second before he gets this jab.*

DV (furious) - I'M NOT GAY!!!

AA - Hey, look Niles, he's throwing a bitchfit. He must be a catcher.

*DV emenates hells fury at this comment.*

DV - you two think you're funny? Well, who's holding the belt bitches? You think about that for a bit!

*DV turns around and stomps out of the room. He tries to slam the door, but it's the type that you can't slam so it closes very slowly. In his frustration, DV tries to slam it again, and again, and again until finally, he gets so frustrated, he starts slapping it as if he were in a catfight and then continues to storm off. Niles and AA just look at each other and burst out laughing. Fade to black.*

[mooseheadjack]

(Uncle Entity is at Snake Eye's body shop outside of town, playing solitaire on a laptop computer. A huge pile of empty card board boxes of various sizes is behind him. Mercury speeds into the parking lot in the Hurri-buggy, screeching to a halt in front of him. The two men look at each other with shit-eating grins.)

Mercury: You ready to get to work?

UE: As ever friend. As Ever.

(Cut to commercial)

[mooseheadjack]

*OBJ and Gator are READING sheets of paper in the locker room*

OBJ: "Stank is a malodorous malformed malignant malefactor" - who wrote this crap?

GB: Rumor has it The Rick hired one of his internet writer friends to script some promos.

OBJ: That explains why FFC and Stank sounded so lame.

GB: Look at this. "Revolution X are callow and insipid" - we can't go out there and say this stuff.

OBJ: Too bad we don't get to work with that guy who writes Edge's catch phrases. He's good.

GB: Unfortunately I think we got stuck with material from that Lund guy.

*They look at each other, nod, crumple the pages, and toss them in the trash*

[mooseheadjack]

two of the three members of the devil's brigade, World F*cking Champ Donnie Viper and Harper Camby are sitting in their locker room when Tommy O"Neil comes busting, looking like as excited as a kid on christmas morning kid:

TO: 'oly shite!....'ave we some brilliat fekkin news!

DV: all I hear was brilliant news so I'm Guessing you learned how to Speak english

TO: nah ya fekkin twat, Ise jus worked a deal with Arthurs and were goanna be gettin paid to drink jars of the black stuff

HC: no shit?

DV: whats the deal?

HC: Tommy worked a deal where we have an endorsement with Guiness.

DV: I don't even like Guiness....

<Tommy Looks aghast at the champ>

TO: WHAT?!?! wat the bloody fekkin filth are ya spewin'.....yaint one a dem fluffas who drink dat piss wit fruit in it ares ya?
if ya is den i'd say yas a one a dem fellas thats a real pro at da skin flute, Nuffin wrong wit dat though.

DV: huh?

HC: ya like fruit in your beer?

DV: NO.... I"M NOT A HOMO!!!!!

HC: Nevermind then

TO:methinks 10 grand'll put a diffren't tought in ya head...and besides I'll drink ya share.

DV: Nice, but now that you're hear and before you got get all smashed...lets talk about our matches tonight...

TO: aye....but let do sumtin first.

with that Tommy hits the camera man with a quick left hook and we loose the feed to the locker room

[mooseheadjack]

(Back at Snake Eye's, UE is dismantaling the Hurri-buggy and placing the individual parts in cardboard boxes. mercury is printing out shipping labels with the addresses of post offices all over the world on them.)

UE: That Hurri-freak will have a long way to go if he wants to get this front fender back. And I think it's tomorrow in Kyoto Japan. Hehehehehe. Hope you got a passport sucker.

Merc: Hope your not on the no-fly list weirdo.

UE: (Finishing up) That takes care of that. now let's take care of MHJ - the old fashioned way.

[mooseheadjack]

(Hurri-crete stomps to The Rick's office)

Hurri-crete: Commissioner, I must speak to you about a GRAVE INJUSTICE!

The Rick: isn't it early in the season to bitch about the Reds?

Hurri-crete: I'm speaking of the disappearance of the mighty Hurri-buggy. I fear that it's been... buggynapped, and I have suspects in mind.

The Rick: Before your vagina gets any sandier about it, you might want to take another walk through the parking lot.

Hurri-crete: I'm afraid you don't understand.

The Rick: I read your email already, and my job here doesn't cover Vehicles of Excessive Gaudiness. You're on your own.

Hurri-crete: (holds up a bill) then can I humbly request a pay advance on this bill for $32,768.16 in 'Postage due' that has been unfairly charged to me?

The Rick: I don't pay for Unmitigated Mailboxxery. Now get out, the seventh inning stretch is over.

Hurri-crete: (to himself) justice WILL be served...... (storms out)

[mooseheadjack]

*Chris Alt is standing backstage with Sexy Female Journalist #11*

SFJ11: Chris, ever since you lost your title shot against Donovan Viper a few weeks ago, you've been uncharacteristically quiet. What's been going on?

CA: Whoa, hold up there, cowgirl... lost? I didn't lose that match, I got screwed. Ya know, Viper would be NOTHING without those two thugs Camby and O'Neil, and I'm getting really fed up with the three of them marching around with the OOWF World Championship like they just left the Gay Pride Parade. And now tonight my archrival Niles Anderson gets his shot against Viper. I've been in the ring with Niles a time or twenty now. Niles has beat me. I've beat Niles. He's a tough son of a bitch, but he's still going into a three on one encounter, and Viper and his little entourage are going to screw him just like they've screwed me, and Hardbody Harris, and Canadian Dragon, and Underdawg, and GimmickMan, and Microplay, and everyone else that our paper champion has "defended" his title against. Watch your back tonight, Niles, cause you aren't walking into a fair fight. I'd suggest a little backup if I were you.

SFJ11: Wait a second, are you offering to be in Niles Anderson's corner for his title match tonight? Don't you two hate each other?

CA: I'm not OFFERING him anything. I was just making a suggestion to him, and he can do what he wishes with my advice. However, if Niles were to approach me and ask me for my backup, then I guess we'd have to see what happened.

SFJ11: What about your match tonight? It's going to be you and Microplay, a man you seem to have a great deal of respect for, going up against Underdawg and GimmickMan. What are your thoughts?

CA: Hmmm... me... Microplay... Underdawg... GimmickMan. What do the four of us have in common? Ohhhh, we've all been screwed out of wearing the OOWF Championship by Viper and his two cronies. As far as I'm concerned, tonight is just four guys taking out their aggression on each other, and I'm horribly sorry that UnderDawg and Gimmick have to be on the receiving end of mine. But Viper, I hope you're listening. I hope you're paying attention. You haven't gotten out of the complete and total annihiliation that you're facing at my hands. Camby and O'Neil can't protect you forever, and I'll personally make sure of that. In fact, I'm challenging you and your boy band dropout pals to a six man tag match on June 1st edition of Midweek Mayhem. You three against me and two tag team partners that I'll announce next week... IF you and your boys have the balls to accept.

*CA throws down the mic and storms off*

[mooseheadjack]

*Chris Alt is walking down the hall after his interview when all of a sudden, he's confronted by Niles and Attitude Adjuster.*

Niles - I saw your interview. You have a good point there about the Devil's Brigade.

Chris - and?

Niles - Let's just say, if I win tonight, I could very well need a #1 contender. You play your cards right...

Chris - Are you asking me for help, Niles?

Niles - no, I'm just telling you to consider your options.

*Niles pats Chris on the shoulder and walks past him. Attitude gives Chris a grin and then follows. Fade to black.*

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan is playing cards in the back, when his opponents suddenly look up and flee the scene.

Capellan looks up to see Firechild, flanked by the 3 Piece Set looming over the table.

C: As expected.....

FC: Oh, no. You see, I heard your comments earlier, and thought that was a little low, bearing in mind that I do MY beatdowns for the most part solo, and that I never touched Westgaard before last weeks match.

CC: Yeah, he was too busy shoving LD's ego back down his throat.....

Ax: But missed a hell of a party in the hotel....

Firechild shoots Ax a 'shut the fuck up' look....

FC: Hey guys, why don't you head down o the Spinal Tap and get the drinks in, call the girls, y'know. I need to have words with Mr Capellan here......

CC&Ax: Sure man, whatever.

The 3PS walk past, Cole making to swing for Capellan who doesn't flinch, and they go off laughing.....

C: So?

FC: Just to say, I don't need to smack you with a chair, or a hammer, or a guitar, or paste your ass through a wall before our match to beat you, and I'm offended by the insinuation. Semaj needed taght a lesson, and that was a message to the locker room, that I'm not who you thought I was...

C: So you'll fight clean?

FC: Damn right, and I'll beat your ass down, chain, lucha, submission whatever way you wanna go, I can dance. I will make a mark in this company, and with the Onslaught title round my waist, PROVING that I am the best wrestler in the company, rather than having tough friends like some champions I could mention... I WILL make my mark, and all the OOWF will bear the scorch marks.

Firechild extends his hand to Capellan, who takes it and they share a semi-intense staredown.

Firechild turns to leave and walks right into a Tommy O'Neil left hook....

TO: Datsa stop u getin any fewkin billy-boy idea, bought messin wit our title match, ya faire eejit....

Firechild sits up, rubbing his jaw....

FC: I'll do as I please, O'Neil and you'll not be calling me an eejit again if you know whats good for you, you pisshead Fenian.

Tommy looks aghast, then extends his hand and pulls Firechild up.

TO: Shoulda known that a jock liek yersel would canna tha craic, like.... no gar ain pish fronted yankees....

O'Neil laughs and walks off.......

Capellan looks at Firechild, rubbing some feeling back into his jaw, looks inscrutable then laughs and wanders off himself.

FC: Time for a beer....

[mooseheadjack]

*The Rick is talking on the phone, swigging from the flask, and watching TV, in an impressive display of multi-tasking workrate*

TR: A dingo ate the scripts? There are no dingos around here....Oh, well, tell Steve to keep the damn thing in a cage! That was my last copy.... No, you can't meet "the sheila with the nice rack"....just stay out of trouble and stop sandifying my vagina! *hangs up*

TR: Maybe I should give one of the other guys a chance at this writer gig. The Raw Satire is popular. I can see it now: "Hellion comes out to complain about the lack of wrestling on the show so far" - could go over well.

*camera pans to show hardcore legend Tommy Dreamer*

Tommy Dreamer: Mr. The Rick, could we start my interview now?

TR: You're FIRED!

TD: You didn't hire me yet.

TR: That's convenient.

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline is standing by with Sexy Female Journalist #42 in the backstage interview area.]

SFJ#42: Johnny, this week on Midweek Mayhem, you've got a non-title Intercontinental Title match against Soul Dragon. Your thoughts?

JA: I said two weeks ago that I wouldn't be getting pinned again by anybody named Dragon. This guy's first name just happens to be Soul. Then there's the one with the first name Canadian. Then there's uh... uh... well, it don't matter. Fact of the matter is, I'm walking IN to Midweek Mayhem as IC Champ. And I'm walking OUT as IC Champ.

SFJ#42: Considering it's a non-title match, I certainly hope so.

JA: Watch the attitude there, missy. It's not like you're the poster child for intelligence around here. I'm not the one who booked a non-title title match. But then again, intelligence has never been a factor for our so-called boss.

SFJ#42: Yeah, he's booked you for two matches at Blood, Sweat, and Fear. You do not know your opponent in either match. How are you going to prepare for the big night?

JA: Well, first of all, it's easy. He wants to book me into a match and won't tell me my opponent until I get to the ring? No problem. There's a ton of jabrones in the back here who would be honored to just lay down for the three count. It would be a privilege for some of these chumps to lay down for the champ. So I don't think there's gonna be a problem. I command a whole lot more respect around here than The Rick.

SFJ#42: Then you'll be defending your Intercontinental Championship against the survivor of a fatal four way match featuring Attitude Adjuster...

JA: Beat him.

SFJ#42: ...Mark Vander...

JA: Beat him.

SFJ#42: ...Black Dragon...

JA: Who?

SFJ#42: ...and L.D. Williams.

JA: Ah, my main man. Ya see, I'm lookin' at two guys I've already beaten on multiple occasions. Another guy who doesn't even register on the radar. And then there's L.D. He's the number one contender, why doesn't The Rick just give HIM the shot straight up? Again, more political games by our leader. Bu that's beside the point. Thing is, L.D.'s gonna beat the crap out of those three idiots and it's gonna be Johnny and L.D., one on one, for the Intercontinental Title. Everybody's gonna be a winner.

[Johnny cockily grins and walks away.]

[mooseheadjack]

AA and LD Williams are WALKING~!! down the hallway. Surprisingly, they are civil to each other…sort of.

AA: This is going to work. Trust me!

LD: That’s just like you, stealing catch phrases. You can’t do anything original. That whole “AA Equals Ratings” really flew, huh? Don’t see that on T-shirts.

AA: Yeah, well you don’t have a T-shirt either!

LD: But I do have a coffee mug. And it’s available on at www.cafepress.com/oowfshirts. It’s a best seller!

AA: That’s only because there's only two mugs, you bought your own mug and even even Concrete TG didn’t sink that low. Look, we’re here, so just let me do the talking, kinda like how you work with Adrenaline.

AA and LD enter The Rick’s office.

AA: We need to speak with you!

The Rick turns from the Reds/Indians game, sees who’s in his office and nearly chokes on his sandwich.

TR: The hell? Did Randy Orton get a brain? Did the Diva Search get cancelled? Did Molly actually return my phone calls? Because seeing you two together and not brawling, hell must have definitely froze over!

AA: That’s what we were about to ask you. You’re The Rick, the man who condemns bad wrestling gimmicks, yet you have us in a “random” contenders tag team match. Whazupwitdat??

LD: You’re doing it again…

AA (ignoring LD): Look, don’t you remember Slamboree 1996, the Lord of the Ring? It was WCW’s second attempt at “random” tag teams, but all it was really was just a reason to put together a buch of guys who hate each other as partners for amusing miscommunication. Apparently, your brain doesn’t recall, so let me remind you of the stupidfication. Animal and Hawk were on opposite teams, and—surprise!—they both had partners they didn’t like. Chris Benoit and Kevin Sullivan were partners. Benoit and SUlliva, for crying out loud! The Steiners fought each other. Jim Duggan and VK Wallstreet…

LD: VK Wallstreet. Man, that was a crappy gimmick.

AA: Tell me about it. Anyway, they were partners. Dallas Page tagged with The Barbarian. Savage and Flair were partners. And do you remember how much that sucked??? You had sand in your vagina until last month over that! So what the hell are you thinking teaming LD Williams and I together?

TR: Why? You want to know why? Do the numbers 15 and 28 mean anything to you?

AA: The gross national product of Ubekistan?

LD: AA’s win loss record?

AA: The total number of times LD brown nosed Johnny this week?

LD: The age of the girl AA did last night and the number of years he’s going to prison?

TR: That’s enough!! It’s the Reds record, damn it! We’re hitting .250, have a 5.55 ERA, our best pitcher is Aaron Freakin’ Harang and Griffey hasn’t even got hurt yet! Plus I still haven’t got rid of my Indy 500 tickets, and I have to be here in Panic, Pennsylvania, because Mooseheadjack wrote me into this damn fantasy wrestling federation. Where is Moose, anyway?

AA: Um, I think he’s on vacation in…

TR: It doesn’t matter where he’s on vacation!

LD: Now he’s doing it, too.

AA: Look, The Rick. Can I just call you “Rick”? Here’s the deal: LD and I are willing to team up, but only on one condition. There has to be a stipulation to this match. I mean, there’s no contendership at stake, no title shot, not even a Pinata on a Pole!

(The Rick doubles over in pain at the reminder of yet another horrible WCW gimmick. Or maybe it was one of the 12 strikeouts by Reds batters.)

AA: Here’s what I suggest. The loser of the match has to buy The Rick a case of Bushmills 16-year-old Irish Whiskey. It received a 96-point score from Wine Enthusiast and a double gold medal at the 2005 San Francisco Spirits Competition. Triple distilled for exceptional smoothness and matured in American oak, Oloroso Sherry and finally old Port barrels. At $59.99 a bottle, a tremendous value, now at Beverages and More?

LD: You sign a sponsorship deal?

AA: Oh yeah.

LD: Vander would be proud.

TR: Bushmills, huh? The way the Reds are playing, I’m going to need that to get through June. You have a deal. It’s now the Random Contenders Tag Team Match, sponsored by Bushmills 16-year-old Irish Whiskey: Loser Buys The Rick a Case. Now you two get out of my office…THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! BANK ON IT!

LD: I need to start stealing catch phrases.

[mooseheadjack]

<Shot opens on a train tressle bridge over a ravine in the Pennsylvania mountains - it zooms in on a figure sitting on the safety rail in the middle of the bridge>

Man... Ever have one of those times when you look out, and just say "Damn, that is SO freaking crazy!", followed up by "But DAMN, is it cool!"

I'm Tommy Wilder. I live for those moments. 50 mph ridin' a street luge on hot ashpalt, 2 inches off the ground. Base jumping off the TransAmerica building. Pulling back on the bars of a 250cc bike as you leave the ramp, going into that first back flip.... You got no margin for error - and you just can't stop yourself.

<Tommy stands up on the rail>

And now I'm here in Panic, PA. From Cali to Tibet to Maui to K-1 - to here. Chasing that moment. Was told that I can find that rush in the OOWF. So here I am...

<Tommy start bouncing up and down on his toes on the rail from nervous energy>

You guys know what I mean. To put it on the line, go for broke, no holding back - that feeling of sky-high or crash and burn. THAT'S why people watch the OOWF - why they pack arena's, bars, garages, and watch. Why they follow on the 'net. To just get a little taste of what we feel.

To watch one of you do something and say - "Holy Crap - that guy is CRAZY!" And love every minute of it!

I'm looking forward to the competition.
I'm looking forward to the challenge.
I gotta get that rush -

I'm gonna be the guy YOU watch from the back and say " Holy CRAP! That guy is CRAZY!"

<Tomy does a hand stand on the rail>

I'm going to love every minute.

Get ready guys - win lose or draw, it is going to be one Wild Ride....


<Tommy drops off the bridge, falling into the ravine - a base jump 'chute opens at the last second....>

ALL RIGHT!!!!!!!

[mooseheadjack]

Backstage, Capellan found his way blocked by Mercury and Uncle Entity.

"Hey guys." he greeted them calmly, "Enjoy the pizza?"

"Yeah, I bet you think you're funny with that little laxative gag." Mercury curled his lip, "You won't be laughing after we're done with you."

"Since Firedork's too uptight to give you the beatdown you deserve, we'll do it for him." Entity rumbled, smiling at the thought.

"And when we're done, you'll be the one who needs the colostomy bag." Mercury promised. "Got anything to say to that, pizza boy?"

"Just one thing: cinderblock."

"Cinder-?"

WHAM.

WHAM.

ConcreteTG dropped the massive cement block to the floor and stood over his fallen antagonists.

"Justice has been served!"

[mooseheadjack]

(OOC: Originally posted before the above post. But technical difficulties ensued.)
------------------------


(Moosehead Jack is clipping his toenails when he looks up to see Uncle Entity and Mercury walking in his direction)

MHJ: Shit. Not these clowns again.

UE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look at what we have here! That badass Moosehead Jack! (UE steps up to Jack and stares at him). Don't think I forgot about our last meeting. In that tag match boy. Don't think your brutality has slipped my mind. I remember it. I'm ready for you this time. I can prepare for you in unconventional ways. I have many surprises up my sleeve.

MHJ: Well...

(Mercury clobbers MHJ with OMG~! STOP SIGN!

Mercury: Shut up bitch!

(MHJ attempts to fight back but is beaten down with kicks from Mercury and UE. UE then puts MHJ in the Crucifix, his new submission finisher. While MHJ has his arms pulled back behind him, Mercury begins slapping MHJ's face screaming more vulgarities at him, calling him a bitch and such. After farting in his general direction, Concrete makes an appearence at the dressing room door...)

Concrete: Stop evildoers!

(UE and Mercury run, laughing. Concrete tends to MHJ)

[mooseheadjack]

*Chris Alt is in a quiet, dark corner in the parking lot and seems to be on his cell phone*

CA: -well, he didn't come out and ask in so many words, no. But then again, I didn't just come out and offer, either. At any rate, the message is crystal clear. <pause> Of course I want to see him win the title. We don't like each other, but I think there's a certain amount of grudging respect and unlike Viper, at least HE would be a fighting champion. He's a horse's ass, but he does have a certain amount of... honor. <pause> What about Adjuster? <pause> Yeah, good point. Well, he seems to be pretty thick with him these days. <pause> Ya know, that's not such a bad idea. I bet they'd bite on that. <pause> Hey, at this point, I'd all but sell my soul to see Viper get his comeuppance. So I'll allign myself with whoever I have to. I'm not above sacrificing my pride for the fans. <pause> But that's not an issue. Viper's not going to retain tonight. I'm going to make sure of it. <pause> But I don't NEED a contingency plan, he's NOT going to- <pause> Fine. <long pause, and CA starts to grin> Wow. That is brilliant. Freaking brilliant. And it'll work. At least it'll get them out of the way for one night. Maybe we should do that tonight? <pause> No, OK, you're right. Yeah, but I'll definitely have Niles's back tonight. <pause> OK, see you at home.

*CA hangs up, chuckles to himself, and heads back into the arena*

[mooseheadjack]

Stank and FF Capslock are in GM The Rick's office-

TR- What's you guys' deal? You delivered the weakest promo ever. If anyone's ever delivered a weaker promo, I'll eat a bug.

FF- Chris Masters, Jon Heidenreich, Ken Shamrock...

Stank fishes into his pockets.

S- Let's see, I got a caterpiller, some kind of beatle, this is...what is this? Like, a stinkbug or something? Oh hey, there's a bunch of these guys in here!

FF- You carry those around all the time?

S- ...yeah.

FF- That expains a lot.

TR- Bug-eatery aside, by the way, it was a metaphor you douche-tard, but all that aside, are you guys apathetic or just pathetic? Heh heh...yeah. I'm funnier than Letterman AND Conan tonight.

S- If you could physically administer oral sex to yourself, would you?

TR- I've had enough out of you, Potsie. All I see out of you two is general plodding around the ring, preceded by terrible mic-work. Okay, so your ringwork is tobberable at best. Well y'know what, you guys are two of the best guys on the roster.

FF- How many times did you just change position there?

S- 12?

TR- Listen, I've told all the Capslock and Stank fellaters from the beginning how I felt about you and I stand by those words.

S- Well...uh...we were kinda...uh...kinda...

FF- Busy.

S- Right we were in one of those...y'know...

FF- Bars getting drunk.

S- Exactly, and we sorta wanted to...y'know...if it wasn't a problem...we wanted to...

FF- Get some barely legal tail all liquered up and take advantage of them in our hotel rooms.

S- Right. So...could you tell us...uh...

FF- What the hell your deal is?

TR- So you guys can deliver some good brawls but your ringwork is sorely lacking. I can't run a promotion like that.

FF- It works for ROH.

TR- What the fuck is that?

FF- Nevermind.

TR- Anyways, get a little peppier, eh fellas? If I hear another promo like that last one I'm gonna literaly tear my eyes out so I have something to plug my ears with.

FF- If you "literally" tear your eyes out, I'll eat a bug.

S- Let's see, I got a caterpiller, some kind of beatle, this is...what is this?

~fin~